Brian P. - AA Speaker - The Road to Redemption - THE M2 THE ROCK SHOW - Michael Molthan

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
I ran alcoholic rams for Bryan, so he echoing here, Huh, well,
I think Mike for ask me to come down and speak.
I don't get out much at night anymore, so this
is a gift. You know, the Big Book says share
what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like. Now,

(00:27):
you know, I'm gonna share a little bit about my story.
I don't know. I never really know what I'm gonna say.
You know, I have a story. We all have a story.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (00:37):
If you're a new daaaa, how many have you running
there under a year's sobriety?

Speaker 2 (00:42):
Raise your hand?

Speaker 1 (00:45):
Alright? And I the reason I asked that is when
I was a new Dayah, I had a tendency to
compare my story to other people's story, tendency to say,
you know, why didn't do that as me. I'm not alcoholic,
and I know I can say that. It doesn't matter.
If you're gonna do it, you're gonna do it. But
the drama of my life has really nothing to do

(01:06):
with my alcoholism. My alcoholism has everything to do with
my inability to control my drinking once I started putting
alcohol in my system. Uh, all the drama that happened.

Speaker 3 (01:16):
All the stuff that was uh retal stuff was just
it was just a a by product of the life
I lived in, the home I was raised in and uh.

Speaker 1 (01:27):
And and we all have that I was alcoholic. You know,
I could if I really looked looked at it. Honestly,
I was alcoholics back when I.

Speaker 2 (01:36):
Was eighteen nineteen. I was drinking out of control.

Speaker 1 (01:38):
Like many times, I went to places to just knock
that edge off, and uh found myself drink into a
blackout or pukeing all myself and then wondering the next
day how that happened. Uh, But I wasn't. I didn't
get sold on my Frida Days in Mark the sixth
of nineteen ninety three. And the interesting thing about that
day is I don't remember my last drink because I

(02:01):
didn't wake up on March sixth of that year to
get sober. I had kind of resigned for the fact
that I was gonna die. I I've been in AA
prior to that for about a year and two weeks.
I had a year and two weeks of sobriety in AA,
going to two meetings a day and in the middle
of a recovery ranch, living on a recovery ranch popping hing,

(02:23):
but recovery two a meetings a day and groups all
during during the day. And two weeks after I got
my year chip, I'd drink, and for the next three months,
I drink every day. Go after the second meeting, I'd
go to a noontime meeting, and then i'd go to
a six o'clock meeting, and in between I'd do big
Brook meetings or step meetings or group therapy or whatever

(02:46):
it was were going on at the ranch. And then
at seven o'clock, right after that meeting, I'd beline over
the buddy's house and I'd start drinking, and then i'd
start smoking cold and then I would come back around
three o'clock in the morning and get it the next
day and say, I'm not doing that the last time
I'm doing that. I'm just gonna get honest and tell

(03:06):
everybody that I've been drinking. And I did. The week
of nineteen ninety three, March first. All the way through
the fifth I had given up and I was contemplating suicide.
I you know, I was like, how am I gonna
kill myself? Or I was gonna move to Phoenix. That
was this one. My other I had two plans. When

(03:28):
I was gonna kill myself. The other one I was
gonna move to Phoenix about banks. And the interesting thing
about those two choices, I had already done both those
or tried to do both those nine years before, and
that was a failure of both those endeavors. And so
for me to think I was a solution should just

(03:50):
give you an idea of the where my mental capacity
was at the time. And what happened that morning. It
was like any other morning. I was just got up,
did my deal. He went to the noon pla noontime meeting,
came back, and I was gonna go to a meeting
that night. When two guys twelve step meet and it
wasn't your typical twelve step. It wasn't like, you know,
hey me here, you got a problem. Uh. It was

(04:12):
sit your eys down, we wanna talk to you kind
of stuff. And uh. And I'd been friends with these
guys for a while and one of 'em was like
a brother to me, and his name was Max, and uh,
Max saved my life. You know, Max, Max made my

(04:32):
drink in his business and I'll never forget it, and
I can never give him enough Thanks. Max. Stout shooting
dopes andwhere in California.

Speaker 2 (04:40):
Now I don't even know if he's alive.

Speaker 1 (04:42):
I try to get hold of him. It's interesting. My son,
my son act three months ago. His name was Max,
and uh, you know, I didn't name my son because
of the guy who saved my life. But I can
tell you it came into play because uh, he really
made my ha he he s he really put his
our friendship on the line. And he called me on

(05:05):
the carpet and asked me questions like, so, how long
he been sober? And uh? And I said things like
I always said. I said, oh, I've been sober the year,
three months, in two days or whatever. And he said, no, really,
how long you been over the day?

Speaker 2 (05:17):
Two days?

Speaker 1 (05:17):
Maybe you're not even sober right now. And as I
got more animated and I got to get up to leave,
another guy came in and he sat me down. He said,
just sit down and shut up. You wanna talk to you?
And Max had that look in his eyes, you know,
the the look of you see it in AA lot,
you know, when you get to know people and you
really start to connect. Oh, if he really loved me
and he really knew I was going on the path,

(05:39):
and he said, now I love.

Speaker 2 (05:40):
You, man, I don't wanna see you die.

Speaker 1 (05:42):
And I don't know what it was I I and
maybe I just had no more fight, but I just
broke down and said, man, I can't I can't stop.
And I haven't had a drink or drugs since that day.
And both those guys went out to use within a year,
one member to I don't know where if he's ever
come back, and the other guy's just coming back. And

(06:02):
I've been sober thirteen years. So it's like there's some
magic in AA.

Speaker 2 (06:08):
There's some stuff that goes on to that I don't.

Speaker 1 (06:10):
Understand, but I'll be forever grateful for that. I'll tell
you why I didn't drink and why I didn't stayed sober. See,
I came to AA, and I believed the lie I
think happens a lot in alcoholics and honest and I
believe it because somebody told me it. And I don't
think he tried to mislead me, but he told me
the truth. He said his truth, which was he said, Ron,
you're going to drinking problem, you need to go to AA.

(06:33):
And so I went to A thinking I had a
drinking problem. And the solution for that is not drinking.
But that's not the solution for what I have. I
have alcoholism. And what happened for me was I went
crazy in AA and not drinking and not living a
spiritual life.

Speaker 2 (06:50):
I really went the same.

Speaker 1 (06:52):
So when I came back on March six, I went
on a different path. By uh yeah, So here's what happened.

(07:16):
Here's here's my story. I'm going to give you the
reader's dies. I'm not gonna get in details about my life.
I'm talking about my recovery. But yeah, no, I understand
on alcohol. And I grew up in an alcohol home.
I grew up in California. I grew up in a
town called Stockham, California. If anyone's from California, you know,
I'm not bragging about it. It's no disrespect to my
friends from Lewisen over here, but the California don't take

(07:42):
offense to it like I. Uh. It really wasn't a
pleasant place to grow up, but I learned a lot
of things in that home. I learned a lot of
you know, my mom was a part of the drunk
and uh my mom, she was, and all my uncles
were drinkers. Everybody was drunk. The only person in my
time I wasn't a drunk with my oldest brother and
my dad, you know, my mom. My brother was four

(08:02):
years old at me, he was a drunk. You know.
I learned from the age of ten to that I
could steal bikes from school and sell them for my
brother for five bucks and the respect of his friends.
When you're ten years old and you're making five bucks
and you're stealing bikes and you get the respects of
the fourteen year olds, that's a big deal. And I
carried that idea and that whole acceptance all the way

(08:25):
up to going to the penitentiary when I was twenty one.
Even while I was doing time, I live in a
why I never really wanted to steal bikes, but you
know what, I liked five bucks. That was good when
you're ten years old back early seventies, a lot of money,
get a lot of baseball cars in and which is funny,
I steal a bike and I go buy baseball cars
and trade what you know, Like that's the mentality of

(08:45):
with the home I grew up in. And I started
smoking weed when I was about eleven, and I started
drinking on I was twelve, and it wasn't a lot
of consequences for that stuff. You know. I ran away
from home for my first time when I was twelve.
Me and my brother stole a boat and we tried
to get it out of the canals and get today
at San Francisco Bay and we you know, we hit

(09:08):
a sandbar. We ended up docking it, and uh, you know,
so there's a lot of stuff that happened. But I'll
tell you what what what. What really was magical for
me was what alcohol did for me and getting hot,
but really alcohol when I drank. You know, I'm five.
For one, I've been the shortest somebody every you know,
every class picture I've ever been in, there ain't no

(09:29):
one smaller than me. Even the girls were tall than me.
So when you're raised, when you grow up like that,
you always feel like you're less than anyway, you know.
I always felt like I wasn't mad enough, and so
like if everybody said, well, we're gonna break into the school,
but who's gonna climb through the window? You know, I'm
the guy. I'll climb to the window. You know, who's

(09:49):
gonna throw a rock at that guy? And in the
head and I'll do that, you know. I mean, that's
just like and then I'd run. Many of my friends
would come in and protect me. It was like looking
for the respective others through really messed up ways an alcohol,
the magic of alcohol. It changed my perception of everything,
of who I was, how I felt, how I saw
the people, how I thought they saw me. I felt

(10:13):
like this was such an angry, violent world and part
of the environment I grew up, and there was that way,
But when I would go to a party and start drinking,
I felt like that there was just more everything was okay. Then,
you know, there was a sense of peace around. Everybody
was a little bit calmer, and I could pop that.
And I know I grew at.

Speaker 2 (10:31):
Least six inches.

Speaker 1 (10:32):
Sometimes if I had the right minute, I could grow
eight nine inches, you know. And the problem is, you know,
you're still only five for one hundred and five, so
we gotta be careful. But that was the magic of alcohol,
so that I would giving it up never even entered
into my mind. And I hid my alcohol. And a
lot of young guys do this. And I'm not pointing

(10:55):
young people up, but I know for me, as a
young man, I didn't is I hid my alcoholism behind
my drug addiction, you know, because when I was twenty one,
you know, from the age of eighteen nineteen twenty, I
started dealing. I started doing coke, and I started understanding
that if you really are painting houses making seven bucks
an hour and you're smoking as much folk as I was,

(11:15):
you can't. They don't match up, you know, like a
paycheck is two hudred and fifty bucks and that's gone
that weekend, you know, and then so you got to
start finding other ways to supplement that. But I was
a drunk. I was drinking daties from the time I
was eighteen nineteen eighty. I was a daily drinker. And
I was a daily drinker because I moved out of
my house. I graduated in high school.

Speaker 4 (11:35):
I moved out and moved there with four guys and
we got a house and that was it.

Speaker 1 (11:39):
I became a daily drinker. And it was only because
it wasn't like I had to drink, at least I
didn't think I had to drink. It was because I could.
There was no one around, and I ran with people
who drank and party like I drank and party, So
I had nothing to compare it to. I didn't have
like somebody drinking socially over here, like wow, you know,
they don't do what I do. I ran it as

(12:00):
you were drunks, and so we all looked at each
other like we're okay, and we're getting evicted six months later,
but we're all right. You know, it's a misunderstanding, you know.
So I started dealing coke. I became a dealer. That
was another thing that was tied into me being you know,
like understanding that the status at okay. Well, I can't
really get with you because you know, it's like when
you hang around guys and they're all five foot ten,

(12:22):
you know who's going to date the five foot one guy? Right?

Speaker 2 (12:24):
I mean, so, hey, you know what, you're dealing.

Speaker 1 (12:26):
Coke, and you got money, and you got a bag.
You can get girlfriends and so I and also the respect,
you know. And so that's what I did. And the
probably is this is a failed business plan. If you're
if you're using the substance that you're selling, it's DestinE
for fail. But I'm good. I'm telling you I have

(12:47):
a way of convincing people that your money will be
coming next week. And I look right, yeah, and you
know what I know I owe you two grand and
you know, we like a lot of stuff fronted out
and I got stuff coming in and just give me
one more. I'll get you covered on the back end.
We're all set, okay, man. You know, I ran through
a bunch of drug.

Speaker 2 (13:06):
Dealers in Tucson, Arizona.

Speaker 4 (13:08):
And got to a place at the age of twenty
one where I was it was checkout timing, you know.

Speaker 1 (13:13):
It was like everybody gets that place. I can surprise
how much we don't talk about suicide in AA at
least somethings like it's a shameful thing. But I can
guarantee I've sponsored a lot of guys. Most guys I
sponsored attempted suicide at one time or another. And at
the age of twenty one, it was Mike Journey, you know,
and I'm not care enough. I looked at my life.

(13:33):
I had a beautiful girl, I had, you know, a job,
and my boss was addicted to cocaine, so I'd get
about a three hours. I lived in a decent house
and I had one sometimes sometimes I didn't, but outside
it wasn't that bad. And one night I'm sitting around,

(13:53):
I'm looking at my life. The real life of the
facade that I want to really see, but really what's
inside my heart on? Everybody was gone, and I'm realizing that.
Then if the game is over and I remember, I'll
tell the stories because it's goofy and it just describes
accurately of who I really am. I sitting around with

(14:16):
a buddy of my named Dave Kirk and Dave Kerr
and I we were party here. If we partied, we
smoked a lot of coke. We drank a lot together
and I turned to Dave. To Dave, I said I
need some money, and he said I need some money.
I said, let's I got a plan. Let's go uh,
let's go rob back and took your prete chicken down
the road days I see. I guess he didn't have

(14:36):
a better plan because he went a window. And I remember,
because my car wasn't work at a time getting in
his car. There was a CDC back and black had
just come out. I think we even had on eight track,
but I think it came out and we were jammed
through it and we were like all pupped up. Where
did to do this? We had masks and ropes and

(14:59):
guns and I'm taking them out and uh, everybody in there.
We ended up going in there and buying like a
three piece of meal, and so, you know, it's like,
I'm not you know, I'm not. I'm not a gangster,
that's for sure. I am yeah kind of man. So

(15:28):
that night I got up David and I went out
to kill myself and I, you know, and I and
I talked about this because I think it's really important
to know that I was out there to do it.
I wasn't out there to just play games to get caught,
you know, so somebody feel sorry for me. I was
not a self pity kind of drunk. I wasn't one
of those guys who cried in my beer. I was
really happy. I was either really happy to have a

(15:49):
great time. I was punching holes in the walls. I mean,
that's the two things I went to. And at this time,
you know, I was just done. I cut a piece
of it, was off, took my roommates color to go out,
and and I and I and I remember even when
I smell fumes today, even today, and it's been it's
been at least twenty four years, twenty at least twenty
three years since it's happened. I can still remember being

(16:13):
in the car while those fumes are flowing through there,
thinking I got no reason to live twenty one years old.
I mean, you just start in life, man, And I
was like ready to go. I was an old man
at twenty one. Today I was so old and now
the only thing that saved ay was a conscious that
I hadn't had since I was ten years old. I
had lost feelings of ten years old. I got my

(16:34):
lesson by a a family member, and from that time on,
from the age of ten to at least this moment,
I had lost my consciousness about like caring about anybody,
only about myself when I can be out alive, not
getting close to people, not trusting people. And that night
I was writing letters to my mom about how sorry

(16:54):
I was and that you know, I'm sorry I.

Speaker 2 (16:56):
Had to do this, but I can't live anymore.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
I couldn't do it. But I couldn't do it. I
just could not. You know. My mother had My mother
had already had a very one son, and my brother,
Chucky died when he was seven leukemia, and I watched
what that did in my family. I watched when I
was five Chucky was seven, I watched how that destroyed
my mom and my dad, how my mom was drinking

(17:20):
became like overwhelmingly powerful.

Speaker 2 (17:22):
And uh so.

Speaker 1 (17:29):
I didn't kill myself And that's obviously no, but I
think I share that way in Whisfication you talked. But
I made a decision that night. And which is one
of my problems in my mind is I kind.

Speaker 4 (17:41):
Of figured out the wrong solution. It's always because I
got the wrong problem. And see, you've got to.

Speaker 1 (17:48):
Know what the problem is before you can really fix it.
That's why it's really important AA when you take guys
through the book to really find out am I really
an alcoholic? Am I really powerless over alcohol? My plug?
What am I? What's my problem? Well, my problem at
this time was that I just didn't have enough money.
Lack of funds, no money, no money. I need money, right,

(18:09):
It's obvious to me. It's not that I'm I'm smoking coked,
robbing from the drug dealers, uh, taking my roommates ran.
You know when it's not no, no, remember that the
problem I don't have enough money. I haven't enough money.
All my problems go away. And what happened is that
the Simpsons would have gone away, everything would have looked good,
but have ever been the same thing? And so next
day I go over to town to rob the bank.
That's what I did. I went in there and robbed it,

(18:32):
asked for the money left. I'm I gonna tell you.
I'm gonna tell you that to Daves keeps telling me
I should tell the story because you guys can start
thinking I'm a real gamester. But yeah, I got fifty
dollars in my first bank robber. Yeah, I got fifties.
I asked before, So you know, I got what I asked.

(18:57):
You know, I'm gonna ask me what I would get
a silver black out, you know. But I got my
fifty bucks, and uh, I'll never forget like thinking that.
At first, I was scared of that. You know, twenty
one year old chacter. I couldn't even shave it this time.
You know. In fact, when they wro up the newspaper
like day, they said seventeen year old kid robs two banks.

(19:17):
But uh, because what happened, I have like fifty bucks
when about told pack a Bodweiser, and uh, I'll never
those were like I drink four of them real quick. Man.
I I got that sense of ease and comfort. I
got okay, all right, ship fifty bucks. I drove across town.

(19:37):
I robbed the notele bank and uh, then I got
all the money I wanted. You know, I got a
lot of money, and I paid all my dad's off
and I just started this lie. Six months later, ran
a money tell my boss, hey, you know I need
the band. I got to go into town and get
some stuff. Gives me the keys of the vand I
drive in the town. Who at bank, go back to
the job seers like nothing happened. It was like, uh,
it was like I became addicted to it, Like, oh,

(19:58):
well cool. You know, they don't know who I am,
No big deal. When I run on money, they give
me a license to do whatever I wanted to do.
And uh, two weeks after that, I got arrested and
we're doing time. And these we used to always make
Yeah you didn't get you didn't get arrested, you got saved.
That was a running joke, right, And I was one
of the truth was I was one of those guys.
I'd say that in the heartbeat, you know, we would

(20:19):
be playing you know, spades or peanut or wherever you
were playing and talking to craping like yeah, you were saved,
but I was saved. I'm gonna tell you right now.
If I haven't got caught, I think I don't think
i'd be here today. It was the best thing ever
happened to me. Now, you could the conviction of that
when they arrested me, or even for years later, but
the city here today. I just saved my life, saved

(20:39):
my life, and my parents failed me out and my
parents loved me. You know, I'm a baby. My mom
already lost one son. You know. I got a good family,
you know. And they came and got me, and they
got me.

Speaker 4 (20:51):
A lawyer, and the lawyer told me the truth which
I needed to hear, which is, you're going to prison.

Speaker 1 (20:57):
You can't rob three banks and not going to prison.
It's gonna happen. You gotta do. The only thing is
how much you're gonna get. You know. I hadn't really
had any records since I've been as old two minile stuff,
but that stuff was gone, you know. And uh, two weeks,
about two or three weeks before I was supposed to
go to trial, I robbed another bank. So that's the

(21:17):
the overview of my nas n you know, and you know,
and then to day. I did that.

Speaker 2 (21:22):
I mean.

Speaker 1 (21:25):
I used to hang with this guy named Johnny Donswayla.
We used to we were drug dealers together, and there
you used to have a lot of resentment against himcause
he slept with my girlfriend who went to prison. Johnny
was a good friend. I remember sitting there saying, and
we're all fakes. And we got home from work, you know,
we're like the bombs out and we're like, you know,

(21:49):
we're feeling good. And I say, hey, I gotta go
to the bank and catching checks. And I had your
car and he throws me the keys to his car,
and I go and rob this bank. And I did
have a Friday afternoon knowing I'm gonna get caught. But
guess what I'm gonna do that weekend. I'm gonna part.
I See, my lawyer told me you're going to prison.
So if I go to prison, you're twenty one years old,

(22:10):
and you're thinking of twenty years in prison, that's that's forever,
and that's like my life is over. I mean, thirty
years old was like dead. As far as I was thirty,
I was forty four on Sunday. I'm taking fifties young.
But back then thirty was nothing. I mean, I was like,
I couldn't even believe me in thirty, you know, and
so I'm taking my life is over, and I robbed

(22:34):
this bag and it's gonna get caught, and I ain't
get caught. Their hacked. I know they're gonna look at
the tapers. I mean, how many guys are out there
on bond and pinter fight for one years and then
when the when the camera can't see the top of
your head as you're leaving the bank. You know, that's
like the twiter, you know. That's so they came and
got me, and and I wasn't gonna get out. I
didn't get out for the next six years. And there's

(22:55):
nothing exciting that happened in prison. I drank in prison.
My alcohol isn't continued with me. You know. It was
the same way I didn't fit in. You know, when
you're five for one hundred five pounds and you know
from the suburbs and you're going to federal penitentiary. It's like,
I'll figure out how to fit in. So I became,
whether people wanted me to became, I became a racist, right,
I'm proud of that. I never had a racist going

(23:17):
in my body. But guess what, some of the racists
that I don't want to protective. So that's what I became.
I did a lot of things I'm not proud of.
Hurt a lot of people I didn't want to hurt,
lived the life I didn't want to live, to survive
in the world and everyone. It's just where it is.
I'm proud of it. I don't regret it. I wouldn't

(23:39):
do it again if I had a choice. But that's
the life that my alcoholism took me. And I got out.
I was twenty eight years old and I wasn't supposed
to drink. I wasn't supposed to drug, and I had
I had a year where I had eight months with parole,
and then I had five years of probation ran wild
n consecutive and so they fed were gonna have to
for a while. And I was really mad that I
couldn't drink when I'm twenty eight years old. Then I

(24:01):
don't want to drinking, Papa, I'm sure I shouldn't be
using cocaine. I mean that causes problems, but drinking. And
I remember asking my proficer, so you say I can't
have any foods at all. He said, no, no drinking.
It's part of your conditions of your release. So here's
a clue for me. I didn't take it. But here's
a clue if anyone of you guys are on parole
and you're drinking and you're not supposed to a normal drinker.

(24:23):
If they're told, okay, while you're on parole, you can't drink,
and if you do drink, you will lose your freedom, well,
normal fakers says, okay, I want to drink it because
I couldn't take it and leave it. I couldn't take
it and leave it. My mind gave it to me,
like who is he to tell me I can't drink.
It's a legal substance. And so I drank, and of

(24:48):
course I got caught, and of course I went back
to prison. And the lie I told myself then was
my pro officer's an asshole. He had it out for me,
and he sent me back to the ten atention. And
the reality is my proficer was just doing his job.
He's actually very kind man. And I sent myself back
to peditecture. But I couldn't see that truth, and so

(25:10):
I started to go through my inventory process. I couldn't
see that truth. So I started living in the spiritual path.
I was incapable of seeing the reality of my life.
I just couldn't see it. So I went back to
another twelve months and everything changed. It's just like my
whole life. I kind of stopped because for that time,
my parents, my mom and dad, I didn't time of
mind in Michigan and Cahoe, Indiana, and so that's pretty

(25:31):
far away. When I grew up in Tucson, and so
my parents would fly out and visit me, my grandmother
would come, my brother would fly on and visit me.
They'd send me money orders so I could get compensated,
and they would, you know, they would. They would take
care of me while I was doing time right. Well,
guess what the only letter I got this last sting
was from my letter for my mom's lad, we're done
if you ain't want to here anymore, when you get

(25:52):
out of the stuff's in the storage and you get
to live on the streets because we're not thinking. You
won't get any more money orders. And I love you
too much to watch done. And the why I told
myself then was my mom's you know evil, you said
another word, But that's what I said, you know, Like
that's what I meant, Like, how dare her? It is

(26:12):
arm or baby?

Speaker 2 (26:14):
You know?

Speaker 1 (26:15):
And I thought it was a lie. I a year later,
I started to get released and asked for my pro plan.
I said the same thing I'd always said, Well, I'm
gon go to live with my parents, and my dad's
got a friend who will give me a job. And
my caseworker said, well, and you know what, I talked
to your parents and you're not welcome home. And that
was like, you know, that was like a reality check.
And so I had to go live basically on the streets.

(26:35):
I became homeless. I had sixty dollars gate money. I
was twenty nine years old. I had no job, skilled,
I had no family members wanted anything to do with me.
Even my trunk brother didn't wong the in his house.
Couldn't go to any of my youth and buddies because
my props would been coming over. So I go to
live in this halfway house downtown Tucson, and I was mad.

(26:56):
I was still mad, and I've been mad. I was
a lot. I'm really kissed and major chip on my
shoulder and they told me the very first day. I
got here and said, okay, Brian, you would beat here
from four months drink. Here's the rules. Anytime you leave
these premises and you come back on the premises, you're
subject to a breathalyzer or your analysis. If you fail

(27:17):
we do one of those, we will send you back
to prison. I already spent seven years, I mean, from
twenty two to twenty nine. I was done. I was like,
am I'm tired of the time. I mean, my life
had passed me on. You know, all my friends were
married and careers and kids. I'm living in some crappy
old copway house downtown too soon, with no money, no respect,

(27:38):
no skills, no hope. And they tell me I can't
drink cause I'm like, okay, I want to drink. Four months,
I can do that third day out on a third
day out, sixty dollars, that's all I got to my name.
Somehow my mind visits me, Hey, you deserve you haven't
been in prison for a year, dude, you deserve to drink.
Who are they to say you can't drink? You don't

(27:59):
got to drink a couple drinks and can be bad. Flat.
So I drank and see here's another way. I always
tell myself, because I controlled it that day, right, Oh,
then I have to park. The Big Book says the obsession,
the grip session I ever had. No one drink was
to control and enjoy his drinking. You don't match those

(28:20):
two things up. If you can control and enjoy your drinking,
or you may not be alcohol See. I could control
it at certain times, but I never enjoyed it when
I was controlling it. But I got them and anytime
that I was enjoying it, I can guarantee I wasn't controlled.
That's a guarantees. And so what happened for me was

(28:41):
I didn't get drunk that day. I got a few
good you know, I've got some good stuff going in
and I got good all right. Man, life's starting to
come together. Man, the puzzles starting to work. I'm gonna
be the job. Maybe I wouldn't lottery, you know it
so happen. I'll find me a girl. You know, girls
are hanging out in this park. I know. So next day,
same thing, you know, crop third day. Guess what my

(29:03):
mind start, dude, It's Friday night. Go back to the
halfway house, man, bring the tequila. They got the wheat
sat on. They don't have a normal stat You know
that the rookies are on the night man. You could go.
You don't want to go back without Who's go back
on drink? You know, So I pray a bottle with
the Quilan premises and I get drunk. Of course there
there was fifty people in recovery. They're all guys are

(29:25):
going times, getting have a frison, going to prison. Whatever.
Somebody told on me, and I got some mind. You know,
somebody told on me. That's my problem. When I wake
up next day, somebody to hold along met the problem,
and I didn't share it with the right person. I
know they were jealous. You know. We stumbled down the
walkway to my room and had nothing to do with it.
And uh so, you know, Monday comes around. My pross

(29:47):
he calls me up and says, uh you know, Bryan
Hurk gots to the front of lobby, you know, and
I go up there with all my little cosmetics because
I know I'm doing time. I got my toothpaste. I
got like three two or three things a twothpaste. I
showed my sh We got a little bit of prison.
You know, you never know whether how far are you
going away and stuff. So I got a little bag
and I walk in there and he says, hey, I
have to see you. He says, what's that. I said

(30:09):
that this is one of my stuff I'm bringing back.
Bring him back? Where you going? I said, why don't
you violate me? And this asshole prow off? So I
thought with a jerk, sat me down and told him
he did something and nobody can done Maybe somebody I
had done it, but for some reason I was able
to hear it. He said, you know what, let me
have a talk with him. He said, you know, so,
I'm Brian.

Speaker 2 (30:28):
Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 (30:29):
I've been in AA for seven years. So that's the
first thing is he broke his anima. I've been a
member of the Autonoms for seven years. He says. You
keep thinking that drugs are a prop He says, but
you gotta drink. You can't not drink.

Speaker 2 (30:44):
That's a problem.

Speaker 1 (30:46):
He said. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna
give you one favorite. It's the last favor you've ever seen.
And this guy who violated in me a year before,
all right helped filing me. He said, here it is,
I'm gonna make sure, I'm gonna recommend her accorporation. You
don't go back to prison because it's not I'm been
doing it. It's not gonna fix you after seven years
go back for four months. To think that's gonna fix
you is ludicrous. He says, I'm gonna send you to

(31:07):
AA and you gotta go to an Amy every day
while you're here, and you gotta get a job. And
in fifteen days and the four months you're here, if
you don't get any tickets, you don't get any riots,
and you do Amy and every day, and then we'll
be off. He'll be all set. He says, you make
one slip up, I'm sending you back and wash my hands.

Speaker 2 (31:25):
That man tad in my life.

Speaker 1 (31:27):
He sent me to new people. I mean, I'm gonna
want to come to see you guys. Hey, hey, A,
you got thirty years old. AA. I was twenty nine
at that time. I even be like, please, hey for alcoholic.
I mean that's the people I was drinking without the
park Man. People living on the skideing row. Oh I lived.
In my first week of sobriety, I had to sell blood.

(31:47):
I'll never forget the area. This is not earning now,
I'm a week sober. I just gotta I just got
saved by by braw So I have no money, oh yeah,
learning out of money. And I see an ad to
paper for first time donations, right, twenty five dollars plasm
I gotta go plastic. You can't sell blood. You're gonna
sell self plasmic because you can do it more in

(32:09):
the blood. So I go and sell plasma. And I'm
sitting there in lying for all the other street guys
right and women. You know next next I'm judging everybody,
and I'm like loser, that's a leaser. And the whole time,

(32:30):
I'm praying I weigh one hundred and ten because you
got me one ten to be able to get a
plasma because I'm like, man, I don't like tip that scale.
So so I got caught. I told my classics. You know,
I've made my mind, and I come to hey, I
fell in love with alcoholics, anonymous. I really did, even
though I would never told you that. Sat back, I

(32:52):
had that pissed off look that newcomers get that are
trying to be tough, right, that out doing anything. Don't
touch me, don't don't definitely don't hug me. I don't
saws anybody, but because if you hugged me out, I
know you want to phone. I don't know what I had.
I mean, I was living in a half but I
was thinking of the bust of meetings. But somehow I
knew I had something that he wanted. And uh, but
there's a few guys at the meeting that I still

(33:15):
stay in contact with, that throw with a barrier, and
they just kept coming after me with love and love.
And I'm gonna tell you right now, when you live
in a world at eighty, my guy lived in the
world of eight. Love is some powerful stuff, man. Love
is really powerful. The kindness of another man. Don't have
one on the resume reaching your hand out to a
guy who goes pissed off. And I want to tell

(33:36):
you right now, most of them really want someone that talk.
It's a facade, you know. I was so scared and
they knew it. He knew it, man. He reached out
and they touched me many. I don't know. I'll never forget.
I'll never forget you. Sit at the bus stop. It's
one hundred and ten degrees. I got eighteen cups of
coffee because that's what you do when you knew there's
lots of coffee is way way won why you can't

(33:57):
sleep at night? Right? Sweat corn? Me? And I'm sitting
at this bus stop and it's really hot. This guy
drives up. He's got the air conditioning on. You know,
it's all like it's like almost frosty inside. This guy's
car rolls the window down. Hey, you want to ride
back to the half house. I'm like, now I'm cool.
I got to this. You know, I cannot accept the

(34:18):
kindness somebody, you know, like, what's up with that? I
accept it? And I would have been helping him more
than he would help me the whole time there. I'd
have been freaking out with it. What do you want?
You know? Yay, you know, I'm my mind where No,
we'll go places, you know, and uh. But eventually I
got to be down. Eventually I start of the fire.

(34:38):
I'd moved away up there, back to the front. I
used to go play pool with these guys. They ain't
want to go. We're gonna go up for lunch and
then and then we'll go place in pool. And I
was like, okay, you know, guy didn't know what to
talk about. Holy Recovery what do you talk about? You know,
I don't know how to have a conversation. I had
nothing to talk about, like, yeah, okay, coffee is good.
You know. I was like so scared that I was,

(35:00):
and they knew it. They didn't forced anything on and
they really just were kind. So I came and I came,
and I thought, and here's what happens. I went to
this New Time meeting. There's about forty people, about fifteen
over here. We're talking about recovering, going through the twelve stead.
I didn't relationship with God, making amends, right, of course.

(35:23):
The inventory they were talking about royal substance and another
group over here with equal amount cup somebody time wise,
they were talking about you just don't drink, whether your
asshols are just show up no matter what. Right, And
these people over here were judging everybody and we didn't know.
And you owe a lot of money because you stole
a lot of money, and you don't want to do
any about those a minute, right, you definitely want, you know,

(35:45):
inventory of my life. Yea, I'm just all right now.
I ain't hanging with these guys like they were way
too intense for me, right, because they're the one smiling, laughing,
having a good time.

Speaker 4 (35:56):
But I kind of dripped over these guys, the kind
of hung out with these guys, And anytime someone talked
about God, I'd get up.

Speaker 1 (36:05):
I didn't know. I don't know why. I mean, I
know why. I had deep resentments against God, but I
didn't want to hear any of that stuff. Anyone talked
about the horseman. I didn't want any to do with that.
And so I fell in tune with a group of
people who were not drinking. Seemingly we're doing okay and
able to have some fun like sleep around with each other,

(36:26):
you know, do with that stuff, you know, got corners
and uh. And I did that for a year or
two weeks ago. I didn't do the recovery puss. I
didn't want to any to do with the record pause.
I didn't even know I was alcoholic. It came out
of the room and said that, and I said, it
was like I was a duck. Yeah, uh plack. And

(36:48):
if you'd asked me for you had to come up
to me and said, so your alcoholic. This is what
my spotor did when I finally got a fought here.
It was a big book. I went, it's funny as
I went. After I drank and got so rub that
they I knew I had to go to those group
of guys. I knew I had to go there. I
didn't want you. I wasn't like I was skipping over
to hang out with these guys that were, you know,

(37:08):
doing this stuff. But I knew that there was no choice.
I had no choice. It was like this game was over.
So I went and asked this guy. Cowboy came and
he was the guy I liked. I disliked the least
for it that way, I'm gonna dislike. He was probably
in the bob and so I went and asked Kaye
sponsor me. I said, I need help. I need help.

(37:29):
I'm two days sober man. He said, you know what,
I'd love to help you. I'd love you know. I've
been watching you for a year. You know what. This
will be great? He says, you have a big book.
I said no. He said, well, here's a big book.
Gave me a big book, gave me some pages reached.
I want you to read eighty four to eighty eight.

(37:50):
I want you to read that every day until.

Speaker 2 (37:53):
I could come and see you this Thursday. It's like
a Sunday night, because.

Speaker 1 (37:55):
He's gonna come and see me in the period, gonna
come and see me visit at this for every ch
I was done to fight. And he asked me if
I had believed in God. I said, uh, I hate God.
He said, well, that means you believes. That's good. There's
a belief there, right. I mean, so even if you
hate God, then you believe it. At least I'm not
a non believer. He said, I believe. Will work for that.

(38:20):
He said, you don't have to light out God because
you don't even know God. But I'm going to give
you some prayers. And so he gave me some basic
directions and then he came and see He came and
saw me on that Thursday. I'll never forget the conversation.
He said, so are you alcoholic? And I said, oh,
you had I'm alcoholic. He said, well are you out?
Why are you alcoholic? How do you know you're alcoholic?

(38:42):
And I'm like such an ass. I started giving something
like something I heard in the rehabbity, you know, but
I don't know. I was talking somewhere. He shut me
down and I said, no, let's stop. He said, let's
just say Let's assume you don't know why.

Speaker 2 (38:55):
You're alcoholic, because you really don't.

Speaker 1 (39:00):
First step, and let's walk through this process, because that's
what I'm If you want me to respond to you,
that's what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna be your
maid or you're you know, I'm not gonna I'm not
gonna be in your drive and I'm just gonna be
a guy who's gonna guide you through this process. I'll
introduce you to a god and you understand, He says,
these steps Step twelve. Having had a spiritual awakening as

(39:23):
the result of these steps, he says, that's what will happen.
You will be awaking spiritually and the obsession to drink
alcohol will be moved. Would that be wonderful? See my
first year in AA, I thought about drinking all the time.
You know, but if you go to enough meeting, you
kind of get squashed because you're hearing all the drama
and you're especially when you're in a recovery range. Everybody's

(39:44):
new and rehab. You know, It's like, but I thought
about drinking all the time. See if not, there's the thing,
this is what's true for me. It's not the first
drink to get you drunk. That's what we say in aas. No,
it's always a it's a cute phrase. It's the first
drink that it gets you drunk. But here's what it
gets drunk. The unprotected thought that precedes the first drink,

(40:06):
all right, that's what's going to get you drunk, all right,
The first drink happens after that. I never had protection
against that first thought. Now, my protection was meetings and
hangout there. But eventually human resources they wore out, and
all reasons for not drinking were pushed aside for the
insane idea that I could drink safely. And I think

(40:30):
when you're going to two av living on a recovery ranch,
doing groups during the day and you're still drinking at night,
that's a fall. That's not just social drinking. That's time out.
And he taught me and said, I would give you

(40:51):
tools so you can have some power in your life,
so you won't be powerful up. Now. That was like
hair saying, I, WHOA, we're always powerless. No, he said,
this is about getting power physically. You will always be
powers of alcohol, but this is about being powerful, getting power.
We're not gonna be from you your group, or you
sponsor your growl friend, your wife, your gigs. It'll be

(41:13):
from a power graph yourself. And he guided it through
that process. And I'm gonna tell you right now, I
was a skeptic. I was a doubter. I was anti God.
But I have no more answers. I was done fighting.
The surrender was there, man, I was surrendered. I was beat.

(41:34):
I mean the big we're talking about as some of
the as we bought. I didn't thought. But it was
very very short pought for me because I'm not a
guy who suffers well emotionally. I just don't suffer well
my whole life. Man, if I feel uncomfortable, I know
what will fit that. It'll be a drink. It'll be

(41:55):
a fatty that the guy passes me next to me.
It'll be anything that makes me not still. So I don't.
I'm like that. My problem is I don't. Sobriety sucks.
That's my problem without a spiritual solution. Sobriety is painful
for a god like is just not home. And here's
the type of guy I used to drink. Hey, Fran,

(42:16):
go to a party right away? I started getting anxious.
Who's party? Oh? When he's having a party. How many people?
All the probably fifty people there? Really where we're going?
We're going an hour? Why better gonna get drunk because
if I don't, I will always talk. I gotta go
to the party sober, you know. I get nice and mubricated,

(42:36):
and then I can fly in another party. Because if
I walk getting sober, everybody's looking at me. I'm all
freaks out. I said the way I am, you know,
So I got to learn how to live a way
that I'm comfortable being sober. And the twelve steps above
all it's anonymous, are magical, you know. And I walked
through those begrudgingly. I tell you that some of the

(42:58):
key things that really shaped and my foundation changed my life.
The fourth step, I come from a sponsorship that's straight
out of the Big Book. It's Big Book sponsorship, all right.
They don't have any forms or anything like that. It's like,
let's just follow over us, all right. We do four
call resentment inventory, we do a fear inventory, we do
a sex inventory. And when you all went down, I'm

(43:21):
going you share it with the sponsor. Everything and all
the secrets that I didn't write down, I share it all,
lay all out. You know this is who I am,
all right, because my sponsor was slick enough after I
did that. Here's a few one. The guy who the
guy who were lessed me had deep seated resentments. And
I remember when I was doing my fourth call, they
call him turn around sports call. It doesn't matter. I'm

(43:41):
looking at where. You know where I am I to
blame right, and you're like, I'm ten years old, and
I would sit there thinking, okay, okay, I you know,
screw this guy. I call my sponsor on mad as
Hell like, dude. From first off, I understand where you're
going from. But I was ten years old. Ten years
old man a part that he said, Oh really, yeah,

(44:02):
so you're probably right. He said, how old you help? Thirty?
He said, wow, He said, over twenty years. You allow
this guy to continue to hurt you. When you're gonna
get to a place of forgiveness, he said, Brian, if
you ever really wish to be free, you're gonna have
to forgive this man. And I'm thinking, how can I

(44:27):
forgive this? It's an unforgivable act. He said, well, you're right,
you can't forgive it, but God can help you forgive.
He says, you want to be free, he said. Now
I want to be free more than you imagine. He said,
all right, because see here's a lie about free. I
always thought, well, they let me open the gates and
let me out on free. And I was in jail
wait before I went in prison, and I was in
prison way after they let me out of prison. I've

(44:49):
never been free until I walked through this path. So
I learned to forgive. I took it in the prayer
and learned to forgive the man. And here's a kicker.
I thought, well, I'd do this in particular, all right,
and then I pray the guys go day to get
his man. Well, here's here's what happened. Years later. Now
I'm talking. I'm in Maine. I'm doing taking guys to
the steps over at Main State Prison. Guy comes up

(45:11):
to me and says, hey, He says, uh, I really
like what you're doing with these guys. I really, I
really think that. You know. It's an inmate saying these
guys are really everything's really cool, and I really can
you can you take me through the twelve steps? And
I know this guy's crying. See, I know I know
he's got a client against kids, and I, uh, I

(45:33):
didn't say yes, didn't say yes, I'd love to help you.
I said, I'll have to get back to you next week.
I'm so ashamed of that. I'm really ashamed of that.
And I remember going out to my car and crying
and thinking what is wrong with me? Everything that my
sponsor and everybody that my heroes are they till me
that and my my real purpose in life is to

(45:54):
be a match of service to God and my fellows.
And here is one of God's children put in my path,
and I I totally said I have to get back
to you. And I call my sponsor up and I
told him what happened. I said, yeah, and I have
a great spot. He doesn't bash me when he knows
he doesn't need to be hard. He doesn't do part
he's not hard. He said, yeah, that sucks. I said,
so what are you gonna do? I said, I gotta

(46:15):
help this guy. He said, yeah, that's probably right. So
I went back in the next week and I told
this guy sponsor might take him to the twelve steps.
And here's the magic. As a result of me walking
this manage through this process, I got free of the
last piece of resentment that I was holding onto. Cause See,

(46:38):
if I didn't have any resentment, I would have just said, yeah,
I'd love to help him m But the fact that
I had to walk for him and by me, just
by the gift of God, he allowed to walk this
mansion the process, I understood that though I might have
an issue with the crime, I have no issue with
the man attached to him. I harbor no ill feelings,
no judgments. Now of my outpower, I can't get there,

(47:02):
all right.

Speaker 2 (47:04):
That's the gift, you know, being of service.

Speaker 1 (47:07):
And this other one against my mom was very important
for me, and it still is today, and it's just
sally as my mom gets older and I don't get
to see her nearly as much. But you know, my
mom had to disown me. And I think that the
reality of that is that I made my mom do that,
and I never understood be any pack to that, even

(47:29):
when I was doing my turno, even when I was
looking at my part, and that resentment against my mom
for kicking me to the streets, even when I looked
at that, the truth was I put the pen in
my mom's hand. I made her do that. Even when
I made the manage with my mom when I had
to sit down face to face and say, Mom, I
need to talk to you. We need to chat. And
I told her, I said, you know, Mom, I don't

(47:50):
know how I'll ever be able to repay the damage.
I'd die, but I know for a fact that you
did everything in your in your best. You did the
best job ever to raise me, and the problems I
had on my problem had nothing to do with you.
And I'm truly sorry for making you have to write
that letter. And I was guided through this process in

(48:11):
a way.

Speaker 2 (48:11):
When you're doing the man.

Speaker 1 (48:12):
Said, let people ask people, is there anything that you
wanna share? Is there anything else that you would wanna
share with me? And then shut up and listen to
what they have to say. And I sh asked my
mom bad. He said, yeah, I like to talk to
you about that. She said, you know, Brian. Now we're
not saying this, we're crying. She said, you know, Brian,
She said, uh, She said, I you know, writing you

(48:37):
that letter was harder than bearing Chucky.

Speaker 2 (48:42):
And I'm like, I don't wanna hear that.

Speaker 1 (48:45):
Right. She had to bury her boy was seven years old,
and she just told me that writing me that letter
was harder than bearing Chucky.

Speaker 2 (48:54):
And that just hit me there.

Speaker 1 (48:56):
I was like, oh, yam, And I asked her why
and she said, she said, you know what, Chucky, I
had no choice. Rupeemia took 'em like it was it
was a done deal. But with you, I didn't have
to write you that letter. I had a choice to
whether do it or not. And having to do that

(49:18):
was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. So
when I when they talk about selfishness being the root
of our problem, I understand that, and not at some
educational level, but deep down in my heart and I
my alcoholism and me, I will destroy people a while.

(49:39):
And the healing process of that is magical because my
mom and my I'm really said, my mom is second
to none. You know my mom. You know it's like
the one of a lot of has deal with Chloe.
You know, my mom finally realized I met a woman
that it was really helped me. But I can't say
enough for the twelve steps of alcoha anologs that he

(50:01):
ain't have happened as the years old of that going
to my brother's grave, you know, like I hadn't been
to my brother's grave of twenty five years and realizing, like,
I gotta go, Chloe. We got to go to San
franc So I got a fly across the country and
I need to put flowers out of my brother's grave.
I need to respect my brother because I was just
type of a guy who, Oh, your brother died, you
know what a shame I'd like, Yeah, well I hate it,

(50:23):
not even now ims with the union to me and
how cold and cows, no respectful. I'm never honored my brother.
And I had to go and flew to Frisco. My
older brother lives there, so we did some of that,
and then I took Chloe out where I grew up,
and then we went out to the cemetery and we found.

Speaker 2 (50:40):
My brother was graved.

Speaker 1 (50:43):
It was a huge cemetery. I went in there. I'll
never forget I went in there and he said, I
need to find her grave and it's probably I haven't
been out here in twenty five years at least. I
said he was seven years old when he died, and
she said, oh, that he's in lullaby Land. When she
said that him, he was just a kid, he was

(51:04):
a baby. I never honored her. And she told me
where it was. And then went out and I I
got quiet. I honored my brother, you know, and you
guys did that, you taught me that. And so life
goes on, you know, and I got two kids. You know,
I look at my daughter when she was born. I realized,

(51:26):
you know, I realized that a deeper letter of how
much dammage I really did to my parents, you know,
when I see a child. When I looked at my daughter,
I had never had unconditional love ever in my life.
Never there was always a conditional my love. But when
my daughter was completely wanted, I resent unconditional love. This woman,

(51:47):
this woman, way that one, this girl could do no wrong,
I don't matter. I always love her. And then I
understood why my walk to do it's the same way.
And uh so I'm forever grateful. I can't take credit

(52:08):
for anything that's ever happened strictly me being willing, but
only based on a pain and fear. And uh I'll
be forever grateful for the men and women who walk
before me and teach me and know deep in my
heart a lot more than you know. I'm the father
of two now, and I have a son to raise
and a daughter to raise. It's my job to teach

(52:30):
them how to live life, to show them the way.

Speaker 2 (52:34):
It's a big undertaking for a guy like me.

Speaker 1 (52:37):
Now so again, I I think Mike for asking me
to come up here. It's an honor and privilege. And
I think you were for listening to me. Thanks. How'd

(53:01):
you buy the Junior Seniors plus? Uh? If you'd like
to go a member of this group, pleasing me after
the meeting and we'll close up the door. Spey

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Brian P. - AA Speaker - The Road to Redemption

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