Brian Yellow Eyes - NA Speaker - Addict on a Mission! - THE M2 THE ROCK SHOW - Michael Molthan

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I took a couple of notes, and once I get
the notes out of the way, maybe I'll get out
of the way and God can do something with us.
I'm very, very old school. I'm an old school traditionalist.
So if y'all are looking for a candy coated message,
here you go have one.

Speaker 2 (00:31):
Have a candy coded message. There is a message in there. Again,

(01:02):
that's a little awkward, but you know, let's get it
off on the right home.

Speaker 1 (01:05):
We don't have to take everything serious. Just our recovery.
I think we can still have a good time. That's
only caddy coat and you're getting out of me today, folks.
I don't go there. I skip around, Like our last
beater said, I skip around sometimes. At the end, I

(01:26):
hope I can pull it all together. We can get
a serious message out of this. Uh. If you're new here,
stick around. It gets different. I would like to ask
for a moment of silence, thank you. Since I most

(02:05):
of y'all ain't from where I'm from, I'll give you
one little piece of a history about us. I'm gonna
teach you a red neck word. I borrowed it, so
if you know about it, don't roll your eyes. Red
neck word for the day. Man. Man, ain't a lot
of folks in this root in today. Sometimes I use animation,

(02:38):
so I don't like to stand still. And this is
really important right here. I don't like this thing because
I feel separated from you when I put me up here.
I would rather be right here with you because I
am the same as you on the inside. I don't know. Oh,
I'm Brian, I'm a maddict. This is time to do that.

(03:03):
I don't know the clothes you wearing, the cards you're driving,
the people that you know. And I don't know the
foods you eat. And I don't know the job that
you have, because that's inconsequential bullshit. It's on the outside,
but on the inside, I know you like a book.
I know what it feels like to feel less than
I know what it feels like to feel self hatred.

(03:27):
I loathed myself by the time when Narcotics Anonymous found
me because I didn't find it. I got here on
the coattails of someone else. It doesn't matter why we
get here, It doesn't matter how we get here. It
doesn't even matter if you come to see somebody. It

(03:47):
just matters that you get here, because here is where
we might hear the message. Now, everything that I say
and do is age, and sometimes I can tell you
a message that may leave you confused. I hope I

(04:09):
don't do that today. The message hope and the promise
of freedom, and that is the only message that we
have to carry, because that's all we have to give.
If I share something that I tell you comes from
our literature. Most of the time it's going to come
out of the twelve out of the twelve traditions. Most

(04:32):
of time it's going to come out of the Basic Text.
And when it comes out of the basic Text, I'm
not going to enable you anymore. If you want to
know where it is in the basic Text, read the
first ten chapters, because I ain't telling you. Maybe if
you read the whole book you'll find it. If you
don't read it again until you do. Now, why did

(04:58):
I get here? You see, very long time ago, when
I was very very small, before I could speak, I
was authentic. I could tell no lies because I had
not been spoiled by someone else telling me that you

(05:22):
shouldn't do that. And that's not the way that you
should feel. You should be this way. When I was
told that I should be this way, But I'm not.
At that point in my life when I decided to
believe that from the people that I was supposed to

(05:43):
love me the most, I started to doubt myself, and
in that self doubtred brought a little bit of self hatred.
I was no longer good enough. One mask there was

(06:06):
the beginning of mister Hyde. So what I want to
talk to you about today is not just why I
got here. We've all heard all that crap. I want
to tell you what keeps me here, and I want
to tell you how I can learn to take each
one of those masks off that I still have some.

(06:27):
Come on, I'm still alive. I still have a mask
because every time and then I find something that causes
me shame. And when it causes me shame, it's because
it's not me. It's something that I want to do
for you, and that is not authentic. That's for me, fake,

(06:48):
phony and shallow. That's me. That's where I was. I
was a fake, phony, shallow human being for a lot
of years. I acted like I thought you wanted me
to act. I did that to get your praise because

(07:13):
I had none for myself by this point, and if
I had none for me. I had to get it
anywhere that I could, so I put on a mask
and I acted. Now. I don't know what kind of
disease y'all got, but my disease is it's in the
basic text. If you read the basic text, you'll find this.

(07:35):
It is obsession and the compulsion that comes from the
fear through that obsession. This funny looking thing between these
two years is my addiction. It ain't told, it ain't
It's nothing but my thought process. Drugs has got nothing
to do with my disease except that I used them

(07:58):
until my life was so unmanageable I had nowhere to go.
And when I had nowhere to go, something outside of
him he stepped in. Because I didn't get here on
my own. My friend got busted. So the judge looked
at him and said, why, I'm gonna give you a

(08:19):
choice here, partner. You can either uh, well, you can
go to jail for several months, or you can go
to this twenty eight day program. I'm sure he scratches head,
fuck jail sounds pretty good. Three hots and a cotton
on that, But well, I think this twenty eight days.
So he went in this twenty eight day program and see,
I'm a nice guy, right, So how many people came

(08:41):
if you went through treatment? I didn't go through treatment.
I came here and got treatment, as Judge puts it.
But he had to go to treatment. So when he
got here, how many people came to visit you and
your treatment and program that you ran with. How many

(09:03):
people came to visit you in jail? Was it an eg?
Was it one of them eggs? You know, so I'm
a nice guy, I'm gonna go visiting. So I go visiting.
It's his problem. I'm going to support him and his problem.
You know, today I understand that I don't know if

(09:24):
he was an addict, because after he got out of
that twenty eight day program, he never went back to
another meeting. His life was not unmanageable. He had two
and a half cars and on two and a half
kids and the pick of fence in the house, and
he paid his bills. You had a job. Well. I
don't know if he was an addict, but something outside
of me said you need to go visit him because

(09:46):
you needed I didn't know I needed this program I
had never heard of in a My first meeting was
of the liquid folowship. Okay it was. I went to
a few meetings. In the first one, some guy said
he was an alcoholic, and then he said he had blackouts,
and I went, gee, I had about forty of them

(10:07):
last year. Maybe there's a connection here. So I went
to three or four of those meetings with him, and see,
out there at California, they didn't take your license away
if you didn't get busted for drinking and driving. So
after you get out of blue pajamas, you could drive
your own vehicle from the treatment facility to the meetings.
So after he got out of his blue pajamas, I

(10:29):
got into truck with him and we'd go to somebody's
house and get loaded and then go to the meeting.
After three or four of those meetings, there was this
unity day that went down. And then that Unity day

(10:49):
I went to visit him and he says, yeah, we're
all right. I got to go this NA thing. I
went in a hell, is that no idea? I never
heard of n and together, I'll go with you all,
ride with you. We used on the way to that meeting.

(11:10):
We stopped using one hundred feet from the front door,
g louted to the gills. I walked up to the door,
and we looked inside and didn't see anybody that we knew,
because they were clean and we weren't. So we stepped back,
looked at the mar leasion and looked at each other
and simultaneously, sure would be nice to know somebody. He said,

(11:35):
you know, I got to go in here before I
get in trouble, because it because of the trade of
facility paid for him. So he went in and got
his hands damn everything, and I stepped up. I didn't
bring any change with me. It's right. Uh, michael Z
still talk with him today. He was doing the registration table.

(11:55):
He said, you know, like uh, you know, like you know,
registration you know. I was like, you know, three dollars
and I pulled out twenty one cents and I started
to back up. I was leaving. No one had ever

(12:17):
given me anything without a motive before. He said no, wait,
come here, come here, come here, come here. I took
that little smiley face and he stamped my hand. He said,
there's a play next door, there's a meal after that,
there's a mainspeaker to dance. Come on in. Went over

(12:43):
there and sat with the bunch that I knew the
folks from the treatment facility and they're all going, y'all
get loaded to no, no, not uh. We didn't smell
like anything. So anyway, I went to the play next
door and we had a meal and there was a speaker.

(13:03):
I finally found out who the speaker was is Bob
RR from California. It took me twenty two years to
figure that one out. So but I finally asked the
right person. And anyway, I didn't know what he said.
I was loaded. I don't know what he said. I
don't know the first thing. All I know is that
I was accepted coast to coast, hoped to die, garbage

(13:27):
canned dope fiend, and y'all said, come on in. Well,
I found a home because I loathed myself because of
my thought process that brought on so many activities that
were suspect. I hated me, I hated what I'd become.
I had lost all my identity because see, you see,

(13:49):
they told me how I should be, but that's not
how I was. So I had to stop doing how
I was, my authentic self and I had to start
taking it. So I got here real shallow, But they
told me, you just keep sticking around, and they wasn't
getting ready to meet because I found some people that

(14:11):
accepted me just exactly how I was, all screwed up
and with no identity and no worth. I was looking
up at the bottom and the bottom fell out, couldn't
even reach the bottom room. So I didn't go to
a meeting on Sunday. Oh no, no, I know. You

(14:33):
know that afternoon after the main speaker, they did that
countdown thing, you know, some of us countdown if you
don't know what it is. And we started a big
number like forty, and then we go thirty nine, and
whoever has those many years of twenty seven or what.
They all stand up and go up, and everybody collapse
and they make a big circle. And hopefully when the

(14:54):
circle is complete, the oldest, the member with the most
amount of abstinence is haanding next to the least amount
of abstinence, so we can come together and then they
do it. Then we do the serenity prayer. We did
his count down, and here's my idea of one day
at a turn. Excuse me, that's the wrong terminology just

(15:16):
for today. Excuse me for going into that fellowship. Apologize.
So we got down and it was like thirty days,
and you know, on three weeks and two and then
and then somebody said seven days, one week week hell after. Now,

(15:36):
let me tell you something, folks, God has mysterious ways
and wonders to perform, because from seven days to one
day is a freaking eternity in narcotics, Anonymous, one day
was one hell of a thing for us to get,
wasn't it the first day? And I had least amount

(15:58):
of clean time? I'm throwing my hand up having days
and I had the least. I had the least amount
of clean time in that room. Tell me that ain't
God doing something for me? That I didn't know what
the hell I was doing. So I liked attention a
whole lot more than I do now. After it was

(16:19):
all done, it's hey, come here, love here man. Oh,
I'm bounded up on that stage and I'm hemming and
I'm an edict and two hundred people are standing up
on chairs. Keep coming back, keep coming back, going for me,
a coast to coast, hope to die, garbage can dope fee.

(16:41):
You ain't getting rid of me, y'all ain't old enough
to get rid of me. And believe me, what was it.
Deck Al said about two years she knew everything. Eight
months when I walked through the area service door, they called, hey,
there's a president of men. That's because I thought that

(17:05):
I knew something. You see, there's my thinking, and that's
my disease. And my thinking is not knowledge. My thinking
is a skewed. I think. I know that was said,
but that was me. So now let me get into
something that that's really really dear to my heart. That's

(17:28):
how I got to na. Well, let me throw this
into that just for fun. But I didn't go to
a meeting on Sunday. I didn't get loaded. I did
take a meeting schedule home. Monday was the first day
of the second semester that I started college, and so
I went to school and I came home and I

(17:50):
don't know. I absolutely don't understand. Well, I don't know
what I fail. I don't know. Something happened in that
meeting I was in. I don't know if it was
two hundred people holding hands doing the Lord's Prayer back.
I don't know if it was them calling me up
there and giving me a third edition book. I don't

(18:11):
know what it was, but something happened inside me just
a tiny little moment of clarity maybe, And I picked
up that meeting schedule after I got home from school
on my bicycle because I had done ran the cars
out of my life. Well, at least the police said
that I wasn't both to dry, you know. And I

(18:32):
got that thing out and I looked at it, and
I dialed the telephone. Let me tell you something, folks,
this thing is turned off. This thing has changed the
face of the world, and it's changed the face of
nan And if yours has not turned off, what's your
motive for having it back on? There's a clock right there.

(18:53):
If I don't even know why I got it to
make a point with it, or it would be in
my car. And I'm not telling y'all what to do,
but I leave mine in the car when I go
to an narcotics anonymous meeting, because I used to take
it with me. I thought, well, maybe i'm cool, you know.
I get my little BlackBerry to help, and I set
it up here and I look cool. And I've caught

(19:15):
myself texting, you know what. When I'm texting, I'm sure
as hell I ain't listening to what the speaker's share.
And when I'm anticipating the next vibration of the text.
I don't I ain't at the meeting. I might as
well get the hell out the room because I ain't here.

(19:38):
So anyway, that's another nothing of that. This is the
most important tool that you have in recovery, people, bar none.
It's more important than your basic text. It's more important
than your functor. It's more important than meetings, because if
you don't that meeting happens one hour, one hour and
a half. Of what am I supposed to do with

(19:59):
twenty one and a half hours? Pull my hair out you.
I can use some dope. That's what I can do.
And I think this is a program of total abstinence,
not partially and not pretend, and not just off of
illegal illicit drugs, all of them. I have to throw
my disclaimer in here. If you're on a medication, don't

(20:21):
get off of it just because I told you to.
Please do not do that. If you're on a medication
and you want to be clean, you have a desire
to be not chained to that peel bottle. If you
find a good sponsor, and a good sponsor is probably
somebody that's going to tell you. The second thing they

(20:43):
tell you is get a dictionary. Maybe that'd be a
good sponsor. And if they work with you and a
knowledgeable doctor and you have a desire to get off
of medication, you might be able to become total the abstinence.
And that's what narcotics Anonymous is. It's all the way
through it, from one end to the other anyway, that's

(21:11):
the most important tool you have, because in twenty two
and a half hours, when I'm not at a meeting,
my life has been unmanageable. I have gone straight to
hell in a handbag. Before between meetings, life happened. I
was in a safe place in the meeting. But I'm
not in the meeting. What am I supposed to do.

(21:32):
I'm supposed to pick the phone up and use it.
Twenty six years and whatever I got of abstinence, I
won't tell you that's how much recovery I got, because
that'd be a lie. Every time I step away from
every time I relapse away from the spiritual principles that

(21:54):
are embodied in this program, I am not in recovery.
I am in refs. And if I stay and relapse
long enough, I will find a reservation that I'm not
willing to surrender into this total universal program that has
room in it for all manifestations of my disease. And

(22:14):
if I don't put it in this program. And I
stopped going to me, I relaft the way from going
to me. Then I re left away from picking up
the phone and calling my sponsor, and I relapped away
from doing service work, and I laughed away from and
the next thing, you know, I forgot how to turn
my reservations into this program. And I use and die.

(22:36):
It ain't about that. I married this program when I
got here, and I ain't about to get divorced. This
program keeps me grounded, keeps me centered. The fellowship that
uses this program is my eyes in my ears. When

(22:58):
I stop using you, no one's there to tell me.
Not a little bit of a suspect activity their boss.
Maybe you want to would you like to look into that?
And that was the nice way of putting it. You
know a lot of them they don't do that. Hey you,

(23:22):
the hell's going on with you? So now I'm going
to skip back into something I started to do while going.
The three most freeing words in the Narcotics Anonymous basic
text to me is complete, creative, freedom. If you want

(23:51):
to know where it is, get it and read it.
It's in the first ten chapters. Heard the sins that
goes with that, if you want to hear it. Never
before so many clean addicts, of their own choice and
in free society been able to meet where they pleased

(24:13):
to maintain their recovery and complete creating freedom. Let me
tell you something, folks. I may have had creative freedom
in my life, but I didn't recognize it, so I
didn't use it, and I had it taken away from
I gave it away. So because I was acting like

(24:34):
I thought you wanted me to, I was confused. I
was disoriented because I wasn't me now narcotics Anonymous in
the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous isn't going to stand in
here in spoonfeed Joe asked and tell you that you
got to do this. I mean I was told what
to do and ask me. Believe me. I needed to

(24:56):
be told. What do you call me? Krispy Fry? Yeah.
My first meeting, though, my first little skip around. My
first meeting was in a I called these guys in
the Michael that stamped my hand. He was driving John's
nineteen fifty eight Cadillac limousine they came to. I was
born in nineteen fifty eight, and I like Cadillacs, you know,

(25:17):
so stock cool had these guys showed up, Michael's wearing
the chauffe hat and the whole nine yards and they stopped.
He gets out and hops up the back door, and
John Bob steps out and shakes my hand. We all
get in the car, and John and Mike shuts the
door and he gets in the car and we drive
and I got to the meeting on a red carpet bottom.
It doesn't matter why you get here, doesn't matter how

(25:39):
you get here, just matters that you get here. So
where am I at? Okay, complete creative freedom. I'm not
going to tell you how to do this, but I'm
going to give you my experiences and you can choose to,

(26:00):
Oh this is so beautiful, take what you need and
leave the rest all six of us. You can't take
all of this in. I used to try to do
that in different venues that I went to. I go
to this other place over there. And when I was
a kid, my mother would take me to this place,

(26:22):
and I thought I had to understand as that person
was sharing their understanding. I never caught it. The ball
went flying past me. I couldn't even find the bat
and it was a football game, so I never caught it.

(26:45):
I never heard two things. Take what you need and
leave the rest. And as you understand, there's the freedom.
I'm not going to tell you about my God, because
I don't care how long you've been here. If I
tell you a out my God, you'll get loaded. I
know you will, because it's mine, not yours, and it'll

(27:06):
confuse you. I'll tell you how I find my higher
power though in complete creative freedom, taking what I need
and leaving the rest. I go, wait a minute, what's
that word? In what is a Narcotics Anonymous program? It's
in here twice. Let me see, it's at the first

(27:27):
and it's at the last. You but know what that
word is is twice in here. It's a real long
where it's got four syllables, so it must be damn important.
Regularly you hear it regularly? Did you use drugs six
times a day? Did you use drugs every single day
of your life until you got the Narcotics Anonymous then

(27:49):
once a goddamn week is not regularly, So maybe it's
time to go to a media at least one media
day for a year to happen. We'll go from there.
When I got a year and a half in, I
realized I needed another year and a half. But how
I found my understanding or my misunderstanding is I said

(28:13):
in these rooms and I listened to you when I
heard that one sentence out of your mouth, maybe just
one word, when I heard that, and it hit me.
You know that, you know that you don't know what I'm
talking about when that hits you like a ton of breasts.

(28:35):
I realized today, for a long time now, that is
what I need to take, and I need to God
throw it away, but leave the rest of it, Just
leave it lay, so let it be. And I need
to take that one thing that just just ripped me
open and said, give yourself a little honesty, boy. And

(28:59):
when that happened, I need to nurture that. I need
to hold it in my heart and I need to
come to an understanding of that piece that hits me
so deeply that all I can do is cry. Maybe
that's a piece of your higher power too, when you

(29:19):
know in your heart when that person says it, it's like, oh, Wow. Man,
it's like I knew that all my life. Wow, you
probably did. You just forgot it. And that's what our
disease is. It's a disease that wants me to forget
and forget that I forgot so regularly. I must come

(29:41):
here to remember, to remember, so I can remember. In
my remembering, it's my understand it's complete. See. See, we
had judges telling us what to do and how to
manage our life. We had police doing what we were,

(30:04):
managing our lives. We had parents, we had whatever we
had in our lives, teachers managing our lives and telling
us how we should be. And when I heard I
should be and I'm not, I'm no longer good enough.

(30:25):
There's another one of those masks. Have you heard some
of my masks? Have you heard them? One at a time.
Narcotics Anonymous gives me the courage and the strength to
take one of those masks off. It was doctor Jekyl,

(30:48):
an honest, hard working, kind, loving person. And I was
that way. Oh yes I was. I can remember when
I was twelve and thirteen and I got really into
being a servant and a misunderstanding that I had. I
knew that, but I stopped doing that, and one mask

(31:11):
at a time. Every time I put a new mask on,
I was one step away from Doctor Jekyl and one
more step into the lion seeven, cheating shallow fool that
was mister Hyde, suspecting all of his activities because his
thought process was so far askewed, never thought of anything

(31:37):
that was right and good. I thought, what can I
do to get the next thing that I need to
stop the process that's in my head. The process wasn't
let's get up getting loaded. I did that for a
lot of years, but that wasn't the process. The process

(31:58):
was I hate you and I need something to stop
this fate. I hated me, I hated everything about me
because I was so confused. I wasn't me. I was
acting like you. I don't live in Hollywood. I didn't
take any actors' classes. I need to learn how to

(32:20):
come back to me. I need to learn how to
be an authentic Brian yellow Eyes. I don't need to
be like you. You don't need to be like me.
I take a little tiny piece of you and you
and you and you that I hear, and I form
me with a little less confusion. Now, okay, Now, How

(32:46):
do I do that? Bill wanted me to do. He
wanted me to say something about that. Gee, how do
I do that? First of all, I have to get
out an ink pen and write thesises on these steps.
In the first few times I have to write, let
me tell you what I've learned about. When I'm finished

(33:07):
with a step, the pen stops writing. It just stops.
And if you know it, time.

Speaker 2 (33:17):
To move on.

Speaker 1 (33:18):
Don't sit on it. Don't think why I'm not gone.
It's only for a paragraphs. I'm not gone if it's
only four paragraphs. But it's the best that you can do.
But you know you're done with it. Move on. Call
you a sponsor. Oh that's what I was gonna tell

(33:38):
you too. Twenty six years and whatever, I don't know,
nine thousand whatever days. I call my sponsor almost every day. Oos.
I think that goes back to that regularly thing, doesn't it.
You know, sometimes my sponsor and I we talk about
Nathcar and Red next of you know, cars, and he

(34:01):
loves his toys. He likes to get these lawnmowers and
you know, so sometimes we talk about inconsequential bullshit. But
is it really because maybe even talking about about lawn tractors,
and how to care for a lawn tractor, and how
to keep it clean so it doesn't rust out and
I have to buy a new one. Maybe I'm learning
to Maybe I'm learning some principles of this programmed about responsibility,

(34:26):
about accountability, And then we talk about all these things
that we think are inconsequential bullshit, and all of a sudden,
because I'm choosing to call him oft and oh regularly,
I'll use that our terminality when I call him regularly
when the gem comes out, I don't miss it. Sound

(34:50):
called once a week, I might miss something. Excuse me,
my drugt Reggie said it. So the second gaal, my
drug choice was more, more in all, give it all
to me. More is not always better anymore. I've come

(35:10):
that far. How did I get there? I chose to
marry this program. It's my life, the center of my life.
I put narcotics Anonymous around No, No, that's wrong. I

(35:31):
put my life around narcotics Anonymous. I don't put narcotics
Anonymous around my life. It's the first thing I think
about when I wake up. I think about, how better
today can I implement these steps, these traditions and these
principles in my life today than I did yesterday. It's

(35:55):
the first you know, you remember when the first thing
we thought about, where's the thing I did at where's
that damn thing on the bedside? It was maybe the
old lady wanted to dish. The first thing we thought
about was dope. Maybe maybe now the first the first
thing we can learn to think about is what narcotics
anonymous can do to uplift my spirits so that I

(36:16):
can learn to be me nothing but me. Y'all are
beautiful people. All of y'all are beautiful. Y'all got some
wonderful things on your insides going on. Even if you're
in turmoil right now, you've got some beautiful things going
on the inside of you. Because you're here, you're doing

(36:37):
something different, but you're not me. So I don't need
to act. Acting is just I told you about then
I already went there. So these principles lead me back
to me. I'm going to go somewhere. I asked Joe

(36:57):
about it. I said, because if you look into our symbol,
and it's in the first ten chapters, you look for it.
In our symbol, it talks about self, society, service, and God.
Now it's kind. I kept going on, and I thought
it was God first. What's going on here? And I asked,
and I said, well, you know, it's God's first, and

(37:18):
then I can learn them, you know whatever. Whatever I said,
I don't know. And Joe Marcos, God rest his soul,
he said to me, you know, the reason it's in
that order for me is that I first had to
come back to see who I am. I had to
work on myself before I could integrate myself properly and

(37:39):
helpfully back into society. And until I could get to
me and society, I'll never be of service to me
and or society in the right manner. And once I
do that, then I've led me back to God. It's
led me back to a good, orderly direction. And that's

(38:01):
what Narcotics Anonymous does for me. Every day. Every single day,
I wake up and think, what can I do today
that will make me stronger? Give me more courage, Give
me more love, compassion instead of hate and self condemnation.

(38:24):
Give me the hope, give me the pride, Give me
the love of myself so that I can reach out
and I can love you too, because until I love me,
I can't love anybody else. Oh, you know, check this
out for all y'all newcomers. I don't know where you are.
I guess we're all newcomers because we're not dead. But

(38:46):
for all you folks, will less than ninety days. Every
single thing that you will ever need to learn how
to stay clean and are using the program of Narcotics Anonymous,
you will learn in your first thirty days. Yeah. It
takes the rest of my life to learn how to

(39:06):
implement those things that I learned in the first thirty
days into my life to being a model of health. Yes,
and I can be a model of health. Yeah, I'm
gonna make mistakes. I said, God damn a minute ago,
and I really don't like that. Could I could take
I could take the shame that comes from that and

(39:28):
beat myself over the head until I feel so badly
that I just go in the corner and isolate it.
Or I could just say, you know what, Okay, I
did that, and I apologize for saying that because I
really didn't like saying that, and move on, Get up
and move on. It ain't about staying in the misery.
When I stayed in the shame, it just built upon itself.

(39:49):
Didn't it. It built up until I had the mass
completely embodying men. It was dark, see, and you know,
and I thought that I built the walls up. I'm
getting ready to get signed here. I got, I got,
I got so I got so into building these brick walls.
I went out and I got the finest mortar that

(40:10):
I could find, and I got the best bricks, and
I started building. And I put this all around me
so that I could be safe. It was dark in there.
And not only was it dark when I farted, it
didn't smell too good. What you see Wait a minute,

(40:33):
wait a minute, that's funny. But check this out. The
wall that I built that I thought was out of
brick and mortar was through rose colored glasses. No, you
know what it was. I built a wall of glass,
as you could see right through my bony face. Shallow ass.

(40:54):
Y'all knew who I was long before I knew, Well
you had to do then I'd want that fake bass work,
you know. And I talked to people after I got
cleaned for a while, and I talked to these folks
that were still out there. I ran across someone one
time and I said, you, I was talking to him
about it. You know why did y'all want to get

(41:16):
away from me? Said? We liked you, You're a nice guy.
We just can't stand to be around you. They couldn't
stand to be around me because I didn't have principles
in my life. I had hatred in my life. So
if you gave me three minutes of attention, I'm gonna
follow you. I don't care who you are. I'm following
you around like puppy dog. I'm gonna build a bubble

(41:37):
around me and you. So you can't get away from me,
because you're giving me the acceptance that I couldn't find
for myself. Now what happened. You crawled out from under it.
Was called smother kate. That's right next to rationalization and justificate.

(42:00):
There's a good word for that, rassification, and that suspect too.
But anyway, so I'm smothercating you, I'm killing you. I'm
a nice guy, a voice, been a nice guy. I
just couldn't. I just didn't know how to be me.

(42:20):
So I was sucking when you. I was sucking the
life out of you. You crawled out from underneath it
and ran just as hard as you could run to
get away. From me, which added to my pain on No, see,
I can't even have him in my life. Oh gosh,
there is nothing that this program cannot give me. Oh,

(42:48):
the sky's the limit. Yeah shit, the sky is the beginning,
Thank you, dear. The sky is the limit, not the limit.
The sky has yet a new beginning. There are only
there is only one limit to narcotics, anonymous, and that's
the limit that I put on it. You can achieve

(43:10):
anything through your own creative freedom and the tenacity to
stay here. I don't keep coming back people, Just stay here,
Just stay here. Surrender one, okay, check us out. Speaking
of surrender, you know all the times when we blame it. Yeah,

(43:35):
look what he did, let me go away. He did that,
you know, and this person don't hear he did that.
And I'm not looking at it. You know, that's a pie.
I've never been in a fight with you. Never. I've
had arguments with Bill O. I've never been in a
fight with Bill. I'm using, Oh school, I'm using here.
Maybe I need a wait, chick, I'm using someone else

(44:02):
to escape from looking at me. I am using you
as a distraction from the fear and a shame inside
of me, and As long as I'm looking at you,
I will never find my answers because they're not in you.

(44:22):
It's all an inside job. There is nothing external about
this process. Nothing I need to stop. That's close to
watch this, check this out, and I sit. Who is
a recovering addict? Well, most of us don't have to

(44:44):
think twice about this question. We know our whole life
in thinking was centered in NA in one form or another,
the getting and giving and finding ways and means to
give more. We live to give, and we have to
live very simply. A recovering addict is a maneral woman

(45:04):
whose life is controlled by a loving higher power. We
are people in the grips of a continuing and progressive
recovery whose ends are always the same, happy, joyous. That's mine.

(45:41):
I got the zero four zero zero four five, any
number forty five. We keep going. You're good man, I'm

(46:11):
having I see my baby. What the help? I'll save
the money looking into.

Speaker 2 (46:23):
I was talking over the second person coming. Yeah, I
ain't go panda.

Speaker 1 (46:32):
Coding that I got what by that home? That hold
on you? Don't you want you get back? You know
back mine? You got it? Oh? This is r. Can

(46:54):
we do something a little different. I want to recite it,
and then when we do it together, it gets to
the third that prayer out of the out of the
gray Farm. It goes like this, God, I've made a
mess of my life. I can't solve my problems. I
asked you to take care of me and show me
how to live. Okay, So let's try this. I want

(47:18):
everybody to do something. No, I want you to close
your eyes. Are you gonna join us? I'm okay? Thank
you there, thank you, yes for those Okay, we can
do that. We'll make a heart out of it. If

(47:52):
you'll close your eyes, Please think about the one that's
standing next to you holding you up. If you understand
God to simply be whatever keeps the rest of us clean,
that's fine, as that power to take care of you

(48:13):
as it takes care of us, even if it makes
you feel stupid. Go out by yourself and say silently God,
I may let me ask some of my life. I again,
is all my problems. I ask you to take care
of me and show me how to live clean. Doesn't

(48:33):
even day stick around, It gets better. Thank you so much.

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Brian Yellow Eyes - NA Speaker - Addict on a Mission!

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