Clancy I. - AA Speaker - One of his funniest talks ever! - THE M2 THE ROCK SHOW - Michael Molthan

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Uh, three and a half decades.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
I've had the.

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Honor and pleasure of leading this particular meeting, and the
speaker tonight was able to convince me that I could
go a day without drinking. And for all the hundreds
of things he's done for me, I really and great
deal of gratitude, and I love this man very much.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
Clancy, my name is Clancy Emmus, London. I'm an alcoholic.

(01:00):
I'm very glad to be here. I want to in
kind of an honor of my dear friend and baby Tom.
Let me just take a moment. But I must say,

(01:27):
there's a lot of young people here. A lot of
young people stood up, and there's always some old people
and meet some young people like John and I and Tom.
You know, we get up every morning and read the
old bits and see if we made it. And I
had a special thrill the other day. I was reading
the magazine because I was in World War Two as
a young man, and they tell me that now something

(01:50):
over fifteen hundred a World War two veterans die every day.
So treat me of the love. But that's the incongruity
of AA because it's a strange place. You know, there's
some old guy, I'll get up there today. I stayed
drunk around the clock for forty years, as if to

(02:16):
say to the little snots in the front row, I've
been around longer than you've been alive, and they didn't know.
The little snots are thinking, you can't be much of
an alcoholic if you left than forty years, you old
son of a bitch. And it turns out how long
you drank even there's nothing to do with it. It's something
that makes an alcoholic as something that none of us

(02:37):
seem to know very easily. It takes a hard time
to find out. If you don't find it out, a
doesn't make sense. I came to my first AID meeting
great many years ago, and I was just out of
the University of Wisconsin. I was back from being in
the war. In the war, i'd learned to drink a
little bit, and I love drinking, and just I did
very great in college. You drank a lot, and when

(02:58):
out in the world, became a sports writer and drank
a lot. But I had one little problem is that
I seemed to drink a little too much, sometimes more
than I planned to, and I would act bizarrely. That
was the term they used for me. And so somebody says,
I suggest I go to alcoholics anonymous. So I went

(03:18):
to my first AA meeting. I'm sure I felt something
like ways on the newcomers here, except I was in
the town where there's only eight people sitting around to top,
eight fat old guys. One guy says, what the hell
are you doing here? God, that's a wonderful introduction. I
now know why I said it, because I was twenty two.
I looked much younger, and there wasn't anybody in that

(03:40):
state under forty years old in AA. And so there's
like some kid twelve years old coming in and say, I
think I'm an alcoholic, or do you I think you
have a broken nosey? But they let me sit around
and listen to them, and it doesn't take long if
you're new to know about a easy Alcoholics are people

(04:02):
who's problem is alcohol, obviously, and they drink too much,
they get in trouble, and I come to AA and
admit their problem is alcohol, which gives them a sense
of relief apparently. Then apparently they return to God. Then
they show their gratitude by helping others, And it's just
kind of a dreary gray tunguel it looks like and
everybody has to confront that. But it doesn't take long

(04:24):
to learn about a tell HER's a study around here.
And so I learned that in my first a meeting,
and I learned it thereafter and moved to a different
city where I was an executive to the company, and
I started drinking too much, and they told me that
you're gonna stop drinking. You will have to let you go.
And I had a great idea. I said, oh, mister Carlson,

(04:45):
you know I'm I got drinking in the war overseas.
And I said, but they've got this new thing downtown
called alcoholics anonymous, which you put me on a paid
leave of absence, and I'll go down there and get
sober up and quit drinking and be ok. He said, yeh,
that'll be very fine, because nobody knew much money is
very mysterious. Then so I went down sat in some

(05:07):
meetings in that city, and different faces with the same
old pukes, you know, and I could see that I
was never going to stay sober with these jerks, because
my problem wasn't drinking. My problem was drinking provided would comfort.
I had my job was trying to find a way
and not to drink too much, and so I I

(05:28):
looked for another job and found it. I didn't go
back to that company. And I did that for years.
I would work in the company and I could write
very well, had very good things happened to me, and
I would get in trouble and they'd give me if
you have to stop your drinking. I'd go to AA
for a while and find another job. And one of
the nice things about it in those days is you

(05:51):
could go home and tell your wife, well, dear, I've
gone back to AA. Wonderful, wonderful. I think it'll do
wonders for you, darling. What do they want you to do? Well,
they want me to tape her off. And there wasn't
any alan On then to screw it up for everybody.

(06:14):
Since the birth of allan On, there's ever been a
moment's rest for anybody anywhere. Now. They don't want you to
taper off, just wants to stop entirely. We know it's
a program of apisode. Being summer, we have the same steps,
we have the same book I release you use on
them a bitch. But I did that, and I went

(06:34):
to AA and I. And it's funny thing. You know.
When I first came there, I had a sponsored briefly
who gave up me quickly, but he had me read
the book. And I read the book Alcoholics anonymouss. I'm
sure somebody would ask you to do and they said,
it's a badly written book. It is not a badly
written books. It's a dull book. It's what it is.

(06:57):
It does never get anywhere. And I read it, and
I'm a writer on the way to becoming a successful writer,
and it is a nice place. But I like things
that have some action. Do this, take this action, bla
blah blah, And you read that book if you were

(07:18):
thorough at the stage of your development. I just gave
up with a damn book. But I went to AA.
And my problem with Alcoholics Anonymous always was this. These
other people had terrible drinking problems, and they got sober,
they felt better. I had. I had a need for

(07:42):
alcohol to because I was imbalanced somehow inside of me,
and I needed something to put me in balance and
make me feel good. And my problem always was that
I couldn't watch it. I thought about that later, was
many years later, when it came to a again and
stayed around for a while, and I read the book again,
and I read something in there I didn't even recall reading.

(08:04):
It really is the story of my life, and if
you're new here, that it's the story of your life,
although you may not even recognize it. At the beginning
of chapter three, there's a page or two that talks
to you a little bit about we alcoholics, and they
talk about what we have in common, and you could
read right through that never identify a thing until you
stop and think what it's saying. There's one thing in

(08:26):
there that seems to embrace alcoholics of our type, and
that is somewhere along the line, we all have had
to voluntarily or involuntarily accept the obsession that somehow, someday
I will control and enjoy my drinking. It says, the
persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into

(08:50):
the gates of insanity and death. See why would that be?
But we all do it. And they talk about to
talk about how we fight the term alcoholic. I suppose
the reason I fight the term alcoholic is because not
only is degrading, but that means I can't drink. And
I got to find a way to drink a little,

(09:10):
a little something to get me over the hump, and
they talk about another thing that happens, dreadful occasional brief
recoveries always followed by a worse relapse, and we've all
had those little recovery I got it together. Now, I
gotta remember to eat before I go out. That's it,

(09:32):
which just gives you more to puke later. It turns
out and you keep fighting it and you reach there's
one delicate little phrase in there that is just peachy.
I wish i'd have written it. Reach a stage of
pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I remember reading. I think that's

(09:52):
how drunk these poor people get. But that is what
that means at all. That's how you feel after your
souber again, and people, I want some explanations for your behavior,
and you haven't got him. The correct answer is leave
me alone. God damn it, because I don't know any
any more about it than you do. All I know

(10:12):
is that you don't understand. You think my problem is alcohol,
but it isn't. I alcoholics can stop drinking. Can't stop drinking.
They don't say, well, once I start drinkers, I can
stop stop drinking for special occasions, all sorts of things.
In the mid nineteen fifties, I was going through a
bad pattern. Therefore, I'd get a certain stage of drinking

(10:34):
and I'd have to go out and council police officers
bad move. I start going to jail quite often, not
for a long time, not like felons like Johnny Harris,
but decent citizens who were misunderstood. And I got so

(10:54):
I could get up in the morning and go home,
take a shower, and go to work. I mean, I
really handled well. One night I came came out of
one morning. I came out of jail in the morning,
and I didn't go that much, but I once we
have a couple weeks or so, and one of my
neighbors was there. I say, you shouldn't come down here this.
You know, I got that damn cop. He really abused me.
I got his badgerom I'm going to get his job,

(11:16):
he said. I don't know about that. He said, but
while you're out there, we couldn't find you last night
and your little son died and we couldn't find you.
And it just about killed me. Because I had a
bunch of little girls. Said one little boy, and he
was the apple by eye, I'll tell you, and I
almost couldn't stand it. We took him up to Wisconsin
and buried him in his grandmother's foot of his grandmother's grave,

(11:37):
and I put my hand in his little casket. I said,
John Himmerslin, this will never happen again. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have let that app for
the world. And I came back and I quit drinking.
I didn't go to AA because that's the help. I
quit drinking. We come home after work night, have dinner
with my kids, first time in a long time. Night
after night, go home to eat dinner, and after we

(11:58):
didn't we're working the homework, take it for a little ride.
Just wonderful. And the one problem I was had with
drinking was this, I can always stop, but after a
day or two, someone seems to sneak into my bedroom
and put an invisible spring in my gut, and the

(12:19):
next day they start to tighten it. And it doesn't
come out as I need drink. It comes out as
just a little restlessness, little irritability, a little tired of
the daily sermon. Who what I did the last time
I was struck get off it, little by little, watching
whatever technicolor there is my life grave did Greg go

(12:41):
back to that gray? And the job gets gray, and
the people get gray, and my kids get gray. It's
just my whole life is gray. And I've spent thousands
of dollars in psychoanalysis to try to find a way
to break that pattern. And I did a lot of things.
But I'll tell you how you break that pattern. In
case you don't know, have a drink. Oh Jesus, oh,

(13:11):
But then you must remember to say I'll watch it
this time, not knowing that you can't watch it, but
I this time it didn't happen. My kids now were
getting loong, good meal would say a little prayer for
baby John like he was for this, and everything was

(13:32):
just going fine, best two or three weeks I'd had
for a long time. And then one night somebody snuck
into my bedroom put an invisible spring in my gut.
And the next morning I got up and just a
little irritable. I'm little tired about going to work and
feeling going to work it is feel like taking a
crap for those people who putting up with their nonsense.
And but I did, and the next day it was

(13:55):
a little bit worse, a little more intense, so it
couldn't sleep very well last night. Why the hell, Well,
now I'm in Norwigian Uthrian. I was born, raised and conceived,
catechized and confirmed in the church. And I did. I
was a good boy. And I got older, i'd start sitting.
But I mean, I'd been very good. And it suddenly
struck me why my son was died, Why he'd killed

(14:18):
this Norwegian Lutheran god, this punishing son of a bitch,
had taken my little boy, who never committed a sin
in his life, and killed him to punish me. Well,
screw you, God. You'll get me in hell, but you
won't get me before that. Screw you. Now's the end
of that. But unfortunately, the days kept going, and every

(14:40):
day I was getting awfully bad, and I really needed
some relief badly. But when you've taken the vow on
your son's casket, you can't do that, and said went
on and on. Uh. And one day I got up
and my wife had taking the children to church, and
I just couldn't stand another day of this. Hold my

(15:00):
car in the garage and hooked up holding the exhaust
pipe and turned the motor and went to sleep and
died just craze. Incidentally, that was fifty four years ago today,
anniversary time. Can you bring another Kate Tom upside down?

(15:22):
But I uh in a neighbor next door. We having
to drink his breakfast, don't having to cup coffee, and
saw me go in there and didn't come out, and
heard the motor running, so we wandered over, finding I
was all right. He found me dead in the car
and he pulled me out and they beat on my
chest and breathed my mouth and rushed me to the
hospital and oxygenated me, worked on me, and then they

(15:42):
evaluated me and determined I was seriously mentally ill and
committed me to the state insane aside for an indefinite period.
Now that's they go away in a way when I go.
But I stopped drinking, Folks, that's no answer in my life.
Maybe some people, but not mine. And I went to
this nuthouse and spring and as there are a couple
of weeks, I've starting to feel better actually, because you know,

(16:05):
I was protected. I didn't realize it, but there's no
there's no pressure on me, all protected. Think I had
a little tuble sleeping. If you've been in a state
mental hospital, but every time he just doze off somewhere
you hear it keeps you alert. I'll tell you. But

(16:29):
what saved me, some big boob of a counselor better
not ever try to escape from here, boy, escapeproof hospital?
I said, oh, is that? So? It took me a
few days. I found a way to get through a door,
down a corridor, through another door, across the yard, and
over the fence, and I was gone. And when I

(16:52):
got out, I suddenly realized what the guy told me
was true. It is true. It's Escapeproof hospital. But you
don't know until you get out. And if you're in
West Texas, but they can see you running for three
days after if you like to ketch a fool in
your white bathroom just while there goes that a little

(17:16):
yankee sum bitch now. And they snatched me back and
gave me a couple of months of electric shock for
that run. After that, you never run much at all.
What's your name, boy, I don't know. Check with the disk.

(17:38):
Then in the early December, I was starting to come
out of that, and they noticed on my record that
I had done the staging in direction of a grand
oper at the University of Texas. That Spring is one
of my side lights. So they asked me if I
would like to tea director Christmas pageant. So I directed
the Big Spring Christmas pageant that year. Not very complex.

(18:00):
The big job was trying to keep the three wise
men off the Virgin Mary. If you possibly in, we
just want to worship her clan, say. And the next
year they put in an experimental alcoholics anonymous for that hospital.
I pretended to be an alcoholic because I knew what
they wanted, and I got out. In fact, I got

(18:22):
to be their prize pupil. They would send me out
to Odessa and Midland and towns like that to talk
at their AA meetings, to attend it would come with
me a friends, I'm here on behalf of my fellow
patients at Big Spring State Hospital. Folks such a view
have made it possible. It says, though we were going

(18:43):
across the vast desert of alcoholism, we came to the tall,
green hills of sobriety, but they were too steep for
our weary legs. We didn't know what to do. But
folks such as you pointed out twelve golden stairs one
after another that we can climb. And now as we
approach the top of our heel of sobriety, prepare ourselves
to return to our homes from out West Texas. We

(19:05):
wanted to tell you that God bless you in your
wonderful work. You don't know what you've done. Thank you.
Laugh got me out of the Texas Dunhouse, and I
never had another drink til I ran out authority. But

(19:28):
my problem was, I know, I mean, I can't stop drinking,
and yet I can't continue drinking. That is the great
damned if you do, and damned if you don't try
new techniques eat. In fact, at the end of that
chapter three there's an interest. I mean that little section
of chapter three, there's a little paragraph that just nails it,

(19:48):
talking about some of us have tried to try and
from one kind of drink to another, from Scotch to brand.
You see drinking beer only, taking physical exercise, drinking only
natural wines, reading spiritual literature, taking trips, not taking trips,
swearing off with or without a solum, a whole bunch
of things, remember sober. While I read that again, I thought, God,

(20:12):
I've tried every one of those thinking except one. I
never tried not taking a trip. When the heats on,
I move it out. Only cowards stay and face the consequences.
But it was just on and on, and I came

(20:34):
out of that hospital, and I convinced people i'd learned
my lesson. One of the things. I had to go
to an AA meeting once a week, which I did,
and I kept taking my medication, so I didn't notice
the absence alcohol very much. I'm not drinking at all.
I remember the night of my anniversary of Man of

(20:55):
September twenty second, nineteen sixty seven. I'm standing in Juarez
waiting for midnight. Huh that was a year later, goof
fifty seven, that's what I said. What okay, don't ever

(21:27):
argue with the guy that's got the mic. You learned
that someday curly. Anyway, I stood in Juares and waiting
for midnight, twelve o'clock rom and coke. Oh god, that
was good, and I went home. I didn't get drunk,

(21:49):
and the next morning I realized that I had whipped
up perhaps, and that afternoon I had dinner that night.
The next night and had a couple cocktails with dinner,
went to the a meeting to get my chip. Remember
the magic client said you've been drinking. I said yes,

(22:11):
I had a couple of cocktails with dinner. Why he said, well,
this is supposed to be for being sober for a year,
And I said I was sober year. Give me the
goddamn chip and punished them and never went back. So
I didn't need them anymore. And then I was looking
pretty good. I got a job in Daft Dallas said

(22:32):
the biggest, the largest advertising against you in the South. Boy,
this is my big chance. Now I've learned my lesson.
I was working on if You're old you remember them
Elsie Elmeraz for the Board and Company and some of
the others. And I was under a lot of pressure.
I realized I could drink safely. Now I would stop
him drinking, person not drinking more and more in person,

(22:54):
I was drunk and person They're calling me and again
I couldn't believe it. I was trying to try everything.
It's just so much pressure. And they finally called me
one morning and said, you don't, clancy, give me the
car keys. We're firing you. You cost us a big
account by not showing up where you were supposed to
be last night and not to be found anywhere. Turn

(23:15):
out leading you were drunk somewhere. You've cost us that account.
And he said, I'm going to tell you something. I
called your wife this morning and I told her that
you were being fired and a few smart you'd get
away from you and take the children. He is, I'm
going to make it my business to see that you
never work in advertising again. It's kind of bad to
go with your morning hangover. So I got my severe

(23:40):
check and I drank for a couple of days because
I realized I'd have to go on the wagon probably.
But by that time my wife I got home, my
wife had taken left, taking the children, sold the furniture,
left my clothes on the front porch. I thought, isn't
that just like them? One little mistake and they turned
on you. But I knew I had to get out
of Texas because I was signed out of the state

(24:04):
hospital my wife. That's the way they did it. Then
your family could sign you in and they could sign
you out. I was signed out to my wife, and
all she ever had to do was pick up the
phone and say I don't want him anymore, come and
get him and they come and get you. That makes
for tough around the house. Here, are you going to

(24:24):
take the scarbage out? Yes, I am so. I knew
how to get out of town. I had no car.
A guy told me a couple weeks before that he
was trying to get a car moved to Los Angeles.
Did I know anybody that would drive a car from her? No?
I don't think so. But that morning I did, Yes,

(24:46):
I do, and I said I'll drive it. I said, well,
how about your big job? I said, I quit him.
I don't like their al phonies. And I got in
the car and the first night I got as far
as El Paso, where I was big and wuarez the
bar of the Chinese Palace, stricken interminal mounster rum and
singing my little song, Yo soiled my ass, throw the

(25:08):
look sends you, wah wah, and all my fans going green,
go green go. I up the next morning and hungover,
and I drove got as far as Phoenix and got drunk.
I thought, I gotta wash this car. I don't anybody

(25:29):
hear it. I hit it and I never did find that.
I haven't found it yet. All my money, all my clothes,
everything in that car, and I'm just desperate. I was
looking for it. Who in my car? Some guy says,
my shoes, knock it off to get to find I
get me, help me, not gonna help you. I come out,
for crissake. Turned to me a plain clothes cop threw

(25:50):
me in jail, said you're going to cool me off
in that one hundred and thirty degree jail. You cool
really cool off for there. And I woke up the
middle and that's so sick. Sick. Oh, I had to
throw up.

Speaker 1 (26:04):
I want to.

Speaker 2 (26:05):
Turned out of somebody's bed. Actually, it's what it was.
There was no one in it. How would I know,
you know? So then I did what I'm sure many
of us have done. Lay down and put your cheek
in the cool tile, and oh god, that feels good,
and go to sleep. This guy came back from wherever

(26:27):
he was. He found his bed full of vomit and
his drunken fool lads, you damp. I don't suppose he
meant to do it, but he kicked my front teeth out,
And that was one of the few mornings in my life.
I was really glad I'd spend all those thousands of
dollars in psychoanalysis. I was almost instantly able to identify
his problem. Remember thinking, this a bitch is overreacting. But

(26:55):
I didn't want to say anything to make trouble. And
that morning they released me out of the Phoenix Jail,
just overnight again sick, covered with vomit and blood. But
I learned one thing. All these years I would go
to A I learned one thing. Whenever you get to
a point where you is it looks so bad and
smells so bad, and nobody wants to see you, there's

(27:17):
one place you're always welcome. Go to an AA club.
The worse you look, the better they like it. That's
what's mine, jim. So I found where the A club was,
a North third Street called the Arid club shertainly was,
and I walked over there so sick and I sat

(27:40):
by the door. I figured someld me, offered me some money,
offered to help me, stepped around me, and I saw
some old lady trying to get up her courage to
be kind to me, and I thought, such a poor lady.
I'll give her a pass. So she came up to
a young man. Yes, ma'am, are you sick? Yes, I
certainly am, ma'am, you was so wonderful to see you
younger folks kidding here before you've had to go all

(28:02):
the way, well, you old bitch. I didn't say that,
but it cost her twenty dollars and I ran downtown,
called a bus to Los Angeles and hit Los Angeles sick, desperate,
maybe a dollar in my pocket. I knew one guy here,
guy named Ted Collen, who was the chief star at

(28:23):
KfW B at that time. They were at number one station,
and said Ted, I'd give him him a start. Years
before I d Ted, I had a terrible car accident.
Could you possibly help me? He said, of course I can.
Can you drive out here? I have no car, I've
smashed my car to trip down and take the bus
from Roundtown out of Hollywood. Bullewarr says, come in see me,

(28:44):
you poor guy. And I went in. Finally got there
and went to Jfliver, just terrible, grubby, smelly. I remember
he saw me say, oh my god, Clancy, oh my god,
I'm so sorry, and he peeled off pretty good wad
of money for me. I said, Jesus, I'll get back.
I'll get a check it, but you soon, I'll pay
it back. And I got a little room and I

(29:05):
drank for a while and had some fun, went at
the beach, did this and that for a while, I
know how long. And then one day I ran out
of money. I called him up as ted, I'm really sick.
Could you let me have a few. My check didn't come.
He's I called Dallas clientsy, and you have had a
car accident. You're a bum. Everybody knows you're a bum.

(29:25):
Now say stay away from you. If Jesus said, for
old times sake, please for Christ's sake, okay, did you
come to the back of the station tonight, not the front,
the back. Come on the alley at nine o'clock. I'll
come on the fire estate for you there. I'll see
what I can do. So I was out there eight
thirty the rain. He came on. He said, you make

(29:46):
me sick, Stay away from here. He threw a five
dollar billet, floated down to mud puddle, and I crawled
out got it, but I really smarted out smart at him.
And the next night I went to sleep in a
all night theater on schedule. And if any of you
have been in all night theaters on schedule, but they
they don't run all night for one thing. They run

(30:06):
at five o'clock in the morning, and they only cost
about two bits because they're designed for people bumbs to
go in and sleep all night. At five in the
morning they roushed you out and mop it down and
open it up again. Remember that morning. Okay, how are
your bums out? I said, where are we outside? In
the rain? Oh my god? What am I going to do?

(30:30):
I'm gonna die? What am I gonna do? Some guys said,
you want to sell a pile of blood for four bucks?
I said, Christ, yes, So he took us up, took
him about eight blocks and through a blood bank. There
was a group of men out in front, turned out
upon it. Later. They were there every morning. Different guys
were there. They're also sick. I'm going God, just a

(30:51):
crowd of people going to and from the distance like
they're dancing. Used to call it the dance hall. All
these poor old guys we stood lying and they me
and the fighting guys said, too could drop a run
of myron. So you don't have enough iron in your
blood to sell a pine a blood kid, I said, Jesus,
you got to help me. I'm sick. She's sound me
about four blocks or something called the Midnight Mission. Got

(31:14):
down there maybe and get some breakfast. Where I went
went to the Midnight Me said, oh god, I'm glad
to be out of the rain. I like some breakfast please.
Guy said, you just missed it. We just got done serving.
I said, well, find me one more, one more munch.
I'm so sick. I don't know if I gone much. Brother,

(31:34):
he said, I told you we were done serving. Come
by at lunch. We'll give you some deed. I said,
grandmother the p I said, I need something now, And
guys came over on each side and unpeeled my hand
and threw me out the front door and says, don't
come back, your son of a bitch. And I tried
to explain to him I'm not a son of a bitch.
Three years ago, I was on the faculty of the

(31:55):
University of Texas. Ads that I wrote these Elsie Namords
were running that very weak in life and time in
New Yorker and serving post vanity Fair. I've had my
picture in the New York Times for one of my achievements.
It's really hard to explain these things. In mid Air,
I star. I was out of that mission on a cold,

(32:17):
rainy morning, and I had a terrible feeling. I didn't
know what the feeling was. I know what it is. No,
because I've seen Halpen others. You get the sudden knowledge
there's no friendly direction. It's all foreign. Nobody cares anymore.
What's pub your crap? And if some old god, probably
that morning, he said, you know, Slim, you're dying. You're

(32:37):
down to one hundred and twenty some pounds. You've lost
your wife and children, never see them again. You've lost
your career. They used to call you a boy genius.
You can't even get a job washing dishes. Look at you,
you're miss You've lost all your money, all your clothes
is in that damn car in Phoenix that you lost.
Your little mother up in Wisconsin is no longer allowed
to accept phone calls from you because your stepfather is

(32:58):
so tired of watching you. Why on your emotions her?
So she'll get out into her little tiny bank account
and take get a few more dollars and send it
to her little boy. You'd rather have her think you're
dead than the way you are. And he might have said,
you've been munking around AA now for ten years, and
you sit in these meetings everywhere all over the country,
laughing to yourself and laughing at their little steps, the

(33:19):
little traditions, and their little slogans and their birthdays. And
I think she is. I wish I was born dumb
like you idiots. And now you're dying. You could have said,
why should go back to A one more time and
at least admit you're an alcoholics? See what happens. And
if someone had said that to me, and if ire
in the mood to be honest, I'd have to say, Pal,

(33:40):
you don't understand I'm not an alcoholic. By this time,
I wish I were. I wish I were an alcoholic.
I'll do anything to be that simple. I wish my
mind didn't tell me point out what nonsense is is.
I wish my mind didn't point out that there's something
wrong inside of me. But nobody came up to me
that morning to there. I said, why is the eight club?

(34:03):
I gotta geut of the rain so there's nothing downtown,
he says, wanted Wilshard Fairfax. When I held that, So
when you have to cut this hill to hill street
cover to wilshared walk watch to take up to Fairfax. Why.
I remember walking and walking and walking and walking, and
tried to be seven and a half miles although I
didn't know it. I got to this damn old club,

(34:26):
same old crap. Some guy inside the door welcome home, son,
ha oh Jesus Christ. When I lurked around that club
for a couple of days and went to their silly meetings,
to their servant cake and had a terrible time, I
had no idea that'd be my sobriety. They had no idea.

(34:47):
I had no desire to stop drinking. Tonight when they
read the traditions, tradition three said the only requirement for
members we desire to stop drinking. I do desire to
stop drink. You know what happens to me when I
stopped drinking, I go to the insane as sound. It
was a suicide. That's what happens to me. And so
the hardest thing I I was so close to dying,

(35:07):
and here it is now. I've been sober ever since then.
In fact, next week will be my fifty second anniversary
of coming to Los Angeles, and so September it was
a big month for me and I I've done with
the therapy. I've had his alcoholics anonymous. It's nineteen fifty eight.

(35:28):
That's a long time ago, and you wonder how could
that be. I'll tell you. Let me put it basically
what it is quickly, then i'll tell you why. Because
a man got a hold of me who eventually got
me to listen to him because I had some respect
for him. But over period time, I learned that everything
I knew about AA was false. Alcoholics are not people

(35:50):
who's got an alcohol problem. You don't come to a
feel better by admitting you're an alcoholic. You never return
to God if you don't want to. You don't show
your gratitude for helping others. Every one of those tenants
they sound right, and they're almost right, but they're false,
and I had come to learn to disbelieve them. First

(36:11):
of all, what do you mean an alcoholic? He's not
a person who's problem is alcohol. My sponsor was very
brutal with me about that. We saw a guy at
the meeting who said that he didn't work the steps
because he stopped drinking. That was enough for me. He
went over to him and offered to keep him out
of AA. You shouldn't be an AA. People like you
and on the way home. Why did you give that

(36:33):
guy hell, Bob? Because he's that his problem was alcohol,
I said, Bob, I don't want to break it into you,
but that's what AA is. Four people with alcohol props. Nah,
people with alcohol probs shouldn't be an AA. I pershould
we be, Bob, They should be wherever they want to be.
I'll tell you what they do. They stop drinking, They
clean up their act, and when they're offered to drink,

(36:55):
say no, thank you. Silly, Bob, I've tried that a
hunt undred times over the last ten years. He said,
maybe got because your problem is an alcohol What do
you think my problem is, Bob? He said, something sounds
like alcohol, and it fools a lot of people, young
and old. Something called alcoholism. Oh Jesus, Bob, don't play

(37:19):
word games with me. I look terrible. I'm smarter than
you believe alcohol alcoholism. Hoorray, I'm cured. I'm cured. Shut up,
he explained, and he gave me about a three hour harangue,
most of which I was able to blot out before
I went insane. But somewhere in the middle of it,
I heard something in looking back subconsciously begin to change

(37:41):
my life, although I never knew it then and didn't
know it for a while. He said, alcoholic people stop drinking,
and they quit and they take care of themselves in
this strange thing called alcoholism, which unfortunately for you and me,
looks almost exactly the same to the naked eye, and
our mind sometimes tells us it's the same, but it
isn't mind consuming perception distorting bodily wroteing thing called alcoholism.

(38:05):
You will discover that stopping drinking and cleaning up your
act has no significant long term effect on your life
other than to make it gradually so uncomfortable you can't
stand it. I said, Jesus, Bob, I never heard anybody
say that before. They said didn't drink them. They said
stop and drinking was the answer. Nah, stop drinkers, not
at all. Stop and bringing is the doorway. If all

(38:27):
you do stop drinking, you're always guaranteed you're going to
drink again, I said, Bob. One thing I don't understand.
Why are these alcoholics? Because I explained to me, I
wasn't an alcoholic. Why do these alcoholics drink all the time?
If Dune says terrible things to them, then I just
killed them. Why would they drink, he said, kid, alcoholics
don't drink alcohol because it's doing terrible things to them.

(38:49):
You don't even know where very much, he said. Now
you say you've been around a ten years, you know
that alcoholics are people getting unnatural reaction to alcohol. Yes,
I do, Bob, it says, a phenomenal craving. Then they drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,
and you go goofy and nice podium talk. He had
a couple of coffee in his hands. This was Johnny

(39:11):
Walker Kidd, and I took a big drink. Hmm. The
effect would be would almost instantly alter my perception of reality.
The world is a softer, a little nicer place. M

(39:33):
another big drink or too, begins to change my relationship
to the world around me. Either I have a couple
more drinks, and inside of me, I get taller and stronger,
and they get smaller and less afraid, less threatening than me.

(39:54):
And I'm tough and I'm slick, I'm great. Unfortunately I
don't stop there. But that's what alcohol does. He said.
Alcohol has got to do something special for you that
it doesn't do for other people. I said, just do
that for other people. He said, Nah, less than ten
percent of people who drink alcohol will ever get that effect.

(40:16):
But if you get that effect, you're lucky. It's going
to kill you. I said, my God, I said, Jesus, Bob,
you say, change your perception of reality and it makes
you get along with better with people, and you're strong.
And tell what's wrong with that, he said, because it

(40:37):
is not really happening, you asshole. Well, there's no way
to talk to a newcomer. I'll tell you that. I said, Okay,
I understand that. Well, but now, last time to me,
there's a girl who'd been sober and she got up,
says she'd got drunk again. Why would she get drunk again?

(40:58):
That's the other part of the disease. Kid and he
had a theory that I thought was stupid, but I
heard a tape of it years later, and I thought,
right on. When people are born and raised, you grow up.
It's not easy growing up in the world emotionally. I mean,
some people grow up emotionally for fifty years. You're not
People don't interested what you got to say, really, because
you don't fit in really, and you know, feel uncomfortable

(41:20):
a lot. And every time you fall in love. You're
not going to have your heart broken. Just one thing
after another, ask to solve problems you don't really know,
to solve and deal with obsessions you don't can't deal with,
and worst of all, you don't even know the goal
where you're going. It turns out the goal, although we
don't know it, is emotional maturity. And if you go

(41:40):
through enough grubby things, apparently you can become emotionally mature.
But alcoholics almost never become emotionally mature. Why do you
think that is? Because they have a difficult problem they
have to learn something from They can drink it away.

(42:01):
Airs to you, household finance.

Speaker 3 (42:04):
Airs to you, bitch, I never liked you anyway, Ay,
mister Cross will take your job and.

Speaker 2 (42:21):
Shout up your nose. And it works, It really works.
I've done it all. But as he explained, the problem is,
every time it works, it leaves a little cold, invisible
ball in your psychic somewhere that never bothers you. Just
builds up with a lot of quandt of it, and
it doesn't bother you until you try to stop drinking,

(42:42):
and then it gets it's propos poised for action, and
sooner or later, either at home or officer that treats somewhere,
some will get it going. Someone will do things like
hurt your feelings, treat you disdainfully, say bad things about you.

(43:03):
Used to always happen to me on a job, and
when I was a young man, I had a solution
to it. I'd quit the job and an some person
in the face, and I wouldn't have to worry about
But we got a house fold of kids. You can't
do that anymore. So you got to take it. Figure
out how can I get back at this puke without
fine being found out? And little by little you notice
that some of his friends are looking at your funny too.

(43:24):
After a while, for sure, you wind up laying awake
at night thinking about these people. And pretty soon you
get to a point where scientists say that people like
us can get to a point where we literally must
drink to preserve our sanity. So then I drink, and
then it all blows up, and I say, what up
Jesus clients, But it's such a great job, but happen

(43:45):
there a bunch of phonies. I quit, I get a
better job. I get a better job. That happened to
me again and again, and uh, I said, Jesus, Bob.
We described that that's the story of my life for
the last ten years. I've had some big jobs. I've
had some big jobs, and I made some big money,

(44:05):
and now I'm living in the backseat of an abandoned
car in the a club parking lot, taking crap from
people I wouldn't hire to mow my lawn. He says,
there's a name for people like you, kid. I thought, oh, oh,
what could that be? Bob? He said, you're an alcoholic.
I said, alcoholic? How could I be an alcoholic? My

(44:26):
problem isn't really alcohol, he said. Alcoholics are on people
who's problem is alcohol. Alcoholics are people whose answer is alcohol. Now,
December of nineteen fifty eight, I was sober about six weeks,
and I didn't notice any significant change in my life
for a while after that, but it relieved me of

(44:46):
one great fear I always had a part of my head.
It was the feared maybe I'm secretly insane, Maybe we're
going to be goofy my whole life. And I begin
to think maybe there's a name for this whole condition,
maybe it's a pattern. Maybe what he says is right,
And so I stayed sober, and he got me a
good little job. It's pretty sure. I came along one
by one, took the steps and so on, and I

(45:09):
eventually stayed sober. But I discovered one thing. If my
problem is alcohol, I don't need a what I need
a for? If I got alcohol? Said, then there's no
place else you're going to get it. But what do
you are You supposed to get a sense of relief
when you come to it? And I say, you're an alcoholic.
Maybe for twenty minutes or so, but reality creeps right
back in there. That's not the point of aid and

(45:31):
mature an alcoholic. But certainly then you return to God.
And I my sponsors said, kids about tell me get
on the steps. I said, Bob, I know you mean well,
but I cannot return to God. I just can't. I
have reasons in my own the deeper than I can
tell you. He says nothing, and an he says, you
got to return to God, oh, to a power greater

(45:52):
than myself. Bob, does that fool the other children? Does
it fool me? I know what the hell are talking about?
He says not. I think an AA ever ask you
to return to anything, because you come out of sickness.
Read what it says, outlier than the wall, came to believe,
came to believe. Can't you come to believe in a
loving God? I said, no, I can't. He can't you

(46:14):
believe in AA? I said, like it better than I
used to? Not much? He says, you think I'm doing
better than you are? Of course, your mob, congratulations, I'm
your new higher power. And I got accept that because
I believe he was trying to help me. But the
thing to remember that about that, I'm just going to
talk a little bit about the first three steps in

(46:35):
the South. But those first three steps have kept more
people out of anything. I know, the idea that you're
an alcoholic if you drink too much and you're going
to return to God. The second steps says, I have
to come to find a power, and that's what you
have to do too. If you're due, you don't have
to know what even what the power is. You have
to believe one must exist here. Because these people didn't

(46:58):
all stay sober to be here so they could fool
you when you finally came around. They found a power.
Some people find berries just have to believe there's a
power here in the second step. That's all we'll do.
What restore me to sanity? What the hell does that mean?
You could read ten books on mental health and get
ten different definitions of sanity. Oddly enough, insanity it is

(47:23):
easy to define. When the human brain is under sufficient
intense pressure conflict can't find a solution in order to
maintain its neural integrity, it will alter its perception of reality.
That is called psychosis. And if you become psychotic, you
usually stay psychotic. You don't go back and forth. But

(47:44):
what psych is your absolute defense against? If you're all goofy,
it's easy to spot you. They put you away. But
mostly it's just things that have to be triggered. Like
you read the paper. God, I destroyed that guy for
ten years, came home when I took a rifle, killed
as kids, killed self, killed his wife. Why would he
do that? Something triggered his psychosis, I guess. But the

(48:06):
interesting thing is that alcoholics almost never become psychotic. Isn't
that funny? You'd think we'd be the number one candidates
because we're so goofy. We've become get offully, neurotic and awful, painful,
But we don't become alcoholics, and I couldn't figure that out,
but I found out why quite a simple reason. But

(48:27):
it gets bad enough long enough, alcoholics trick alcohol, and
his number one help is to alter my perception of reality.
You and I, without knowing it, have the power to
induce temporary psychosis and then to borrow your back in reality.

(48:50):
And so what the second step really means, I believe
what it says. It's hard sometimes when you hear about
these philosophers. What it really means is this, Those goddamn
steps mean what they say. You have to try to
come to believe somehow there's a power here somewhere that
will make it unnecessary for you to drink alcohol. That's

(49:12):
the second step. And the last step was a little
born difficult, made your decision your torturn your will and
your life over the care of God. As you understand,
I would not do that. My sponsor wanted me to
write an inventory, said, I wrote to my enjoy the psychiatrists.
He said, what you got to do it again is
that I know I'd like to believe you, Bob, but
I can't turn my willing life oward to God. That
doesn't work. And I was feeling very bad one night,

(49:35):
I sit in the plate in the club having a
cup of coffee, and my pen pencil went across the
paper and I found myself writing the third step, I
am going to try to do what Bob says, which
became probably one of the more successful third steps anybody
ever did, because it had gotten me doing things that
I never would have done otherwise. And eventually I came

(49:58):
to believe in different things in AA and it's people,
in situations, promises, it's book, it's everything. But the big
thing to remember out of that is that I could
have died in my disbelief of God. You don't have
to return to God if you've got a bad thing there.

(50:19):
You just have to find a power greater than yourself.
And the last thing I had to find out was
that now I'm sober for a while, and I'll show
my gratitude by helping others. Falls one of the great
lessons you learned in as you get gratitude by helping others.

(50:39):
You help others when you feel crappy, don't like anything,
help some six out of a bit that doesn't deserve it.
You want to slap him. Love is the answer, But
little by little you get I'll tell you the funny thing.
Let me tell you something. When I was about five
years sober, I was really doing quite well. I had
front teeths mil lot. If any of you knew people

(51:03):
have lost teeth, let me give you hope. Once you
become spiritually perfect, they grow back. Anyway, I was working
in Hollywood and radio and television, and I was slick,
and I thought I should be a secretary of a meeting. Jesus,
I now have authority at AA. So the biggest meeting
in town was Brentwood. I got somebody to nominate and

(51:24):
be able to have died. For lack of a second,
I could see there was no ground swell to have
me be sent secretary. A couple of weeks later, said
over to Ohio Street, there's a little building of their
Bay meetings. The Tuesday night meeting has just died. Anybody
wants to start one? Yes, I do. And I went
over there and paid rent for a month and wrote
a little format based on what I knew, and took

(51:45):
ten or twelve of my tattered followers and started his crew.
And first week we had fourteen people, maybe, but my
announcements were pretty electric. Next week we had twenty two.
Next week we had thirty and I offended a lot
of people to get back to twelve. Well, but at

(52:08):
the end of the year we had about forty people
coming to regular fifty people, and I thought I could
have an election now, but that'd be unfair to these people.
They don't know nothing. I got to teach them. I'll
sacrifice myself and I'll just continue to be secretary and
won't mention an election. So at the end of the
second year, by election time with than you know, they're

(52:29):
like an emerging third world country. They want to do
it right, but they don't know how. Perhaps I'd better
just sacrifice myself one more year. About two months later,
something Boob came up to me and said, are you
going to be a secretary forever? Around here? I said, why,
what's the difference? We're doing well, we get fout of
the dridges. He said no, no, don't be mad. He said,

(52:50):
but people in other groups say say that you're a dictator,
and if we elected you, they couldn't say a word.
I had a good idea, Billy, So why announced the
elect should now the election? I passed on ballats. I said, now,
of course you can vote for whoever you want to.
You know, you don't have to vote for any particular person,

(53:10):
but if you find someone that you think can really
do a wonderful job, put them in office again. And
then the election I was swept out of office. I
didn't say anything. I don't care. As the same year,
Tom Whalen came around and added to my heartaches. But

(53:33):
were you at that election, tom so you and Tommy Welling.
When I got done with my tearful goodbye, they gave
me a standing ovation. Tommy Whalen and Tommy carron Can
were the only two who sat there. You boob, love

(53:57):
is the answer anyway. But now, wow, to show you
what a good job of that and building it. Even
after I left, it really took off. And now it's
the largest weekly alcoholic is anonymous meeting in the world.
It's called the Pacific Groups in West LA and I
sit there every week. Everyone's the night except tonight, and
I'm not the secretary, but I'm the founder. Nobody pays

(54:30):
the attention, but it makes me feel good. And after
the meeting somebody will bring a newcomer up and say,
this is Clancy. He founded the meeting. He travels all
over the world speaking, and he's been sober over fifty years.
The newcomers said, oh, welcome. I hope you brought your

(54:52):
problems tonight. Many folks leave them here and you know
it's happened. A lot. Does have much effect on me
except just to who's this puke? And once in a
while somebody come up saying, I don't know who you are, pale,
but yeah, could you give me a ride back over
to the AA hospital. I'm into the Veteran's Hospital psychle Award.

(55:15):
I think you got nice thing about you can look
up right in the eye and think, what give you
a ride back to the VA psychle Award? You should
have stayed there, you crazy bastard. There's almost a thousand
people in this room. All need action desperately. One has
given all year after year after year. I'm not just
some guy in a suit. I'm Clancy, I from up

(55:36):
in the sky high. Now. I can think that as
long as I say okay. And the great part about
a is after I dropped this puke off at the
VA and I'm driving home, my head says, oh, Clancy,
is there no end to your goodness? Every time I

(56:01):
help somebody, I feel better. That's why I help people.
I don't help them to help them. I help them
because it helps me. That's why in our book specifically says,
when all else fails, try to help another alcoholic, get
that sick mind off yourself. You gotta do that. But
isn't that an interesting thing? All the things I knew
about A sound so right? Alcoholics are a problem whose

(56:21):
problem is alcohol. They overcome that, becoming to AA. They
return to God. Maybe maybe not. They show their gratitude
by helping others, not at all. It's a funny thing.
I used the steps, so I took away inventory and
I made a immense to people. I got a sponsor,
get me going. And when I was fifty, when I

(56:45):
was five years sober, the same family joined me from
Texas because I was doing so well. And they've all
had another child, grew up, another son, and they've all
grown up now. Three of my daughters turned twenty one
this year in AA or last year, this year the
International Convention. It's all very nice. Only one of my
daughters has turned out badly. She she's become a judge.

(57:12):
A few years ago she came home for Christmas, said, Daddy,
remember we little girls used to get so mad at
us and holler at us. I said, sure, darling, you'd
send it to our room. Yeah's when you come to Albuquerque.
I'm going to send you to a little room. I'm
not going to Albuquerque. But I eventually worked in radio
and television again, and I became quite successful. When I

(57:34):
was fifteen years summer as of marketing Gretrom Beverly Hills
doing great. And I had discovered one thing, which maybe
the most important thing I got to say tonight. The
purpose of alcoholics anonymous, I used to think is to
get drier and drier and drier. If that were to
out burst into flame up here, you know the purpose

(57:56):
of AA. And I believe this implicitly used to very
slowly do what alcohol did fast, to change my perception
of reality and make it a friendly place, to change
my relationship to people. So I live with some degree
of dignity, To grow en up in self confidence or

(58:17):
a glance or a chance remark doesn't destroy me. To
live with some degree of hope and understanding. That's a
great thing. And there's only one thing wrong with that.
It sometimes catches you off guard. When I was fifteen
years sober, I went through a little spell of that,
and I felt good. My kids were doing well, I
was doing well. I just been at the university was

(58:40):
God named their alumnus of the Earth, and went back
and spoken commencement. Just wonderful. And one day I found
myself swept away by this hideous feeling, and I left
my job in Beverly Hills. And for the last thirty
six years I've run the midnight mission on scaredro the
place that threw me out nineteen fifty eight. Say why

(59:00):
would you give up your great career on that mission?
And there's no good answer to that. Well, it was
such a significant decrease in salary, I couldn't pass it up.
But this morning I did something I'm sure none of
you did. I live out by the ocean in La
Big House, Big yard. Every Saturday one hundred and twenty

(59:21):
five as play ball in my backyard, and I'm on
the road somewhere. But I got my house and got
a highway ten and dumps through Beverly Hills down to Schiedrow,
this ravaged area in downtown Parks underath the building, went
inside to first, I took a walk around the buildings
they do every morning and see who's still alive and
who's dying, and who's new and who's not going to
make it. And sometimes you find yourself stepping over the

(59:43):
bodies of men, women and children dying from alcoholism and
drug addiction and insanity and abandonment. And we spent all
day to day in various aspects of how we can
get these poor bastards tecknowledge there's a problem, that'll do something,
want be willing to do something about it. It's very,
very difficult to get through and skied Row, I'll tell you,
but once we get some Last week we had a

(01:00:06):
one year birthday from the Pacific Group of a guy
from skid Row. And then I had lunch with my
friends Johnny and my friends, and came down here tonight
and had dinner with my friend Tom and his lovely wife,
and we laughed and talked about things, and I came
to the meeting. I want to go home around, go
to bed, and get up early in the morning do

(01:00:27):
it again. Doesn't sound like a very exciting life for me,
but it's a very good life because somehow along the way,
all of you knew people. I understand your doubts and feelings,
of different. You never had them as bad as I
did already any worse, because I had him and I
knew that they couldn't work for me. That's why it's
such an unusual thing. The things that had up here

(01:00:47):
and say this stuff that I already knew about fifty
years ago. It wasn't worth the crap has saved my
life because I allowed someone to direct me how to
take the actions. But the great do you know? We
have a circle and a triangle, and if you look
inside of that you see all kinds of mishmash. There's

(01:01:09):
traditions and steps and meetings and books and people and
sponsors and fuckal So if you're turned upside down, at
least you get the point to the bottom. You still
see all that mush in there when you're new, but
the bottom, there's a little point. And that point is
absolutely as true Knight in Laguna Beach as it was
July tenth, nineteen thirty five, when these two guys started

(01:01:32):
in Akron, Ohio. Here's what alcoholics anonymous is. It isn't
what you think it is. It is one alcoholic talking
to another alcoholic to help him reduce his feelings of
difference at least enough so that he will begin to
take actions he does not yet believe in. Almost impossible,

(01:01:55):
but that happens. The miracle starts, and people like you
and I can live in the world, and I can
come down here and take great pleasure in telling you
how I feel. Here's how I feel. I'm glad to
be safe and sane and sober. Thank you, M. M.

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Clancy I. - AA Speaker - One of his funniest talks ever!

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Clancy I. - AA Speaker - One of his funniest talks ever!