PARENTING ADULT CHILDREN- w/ Quinelle’s Check-In’s

Parenting Adult Children: it’s one of the most difficult—and yet least discussed—life transitions facing today’s boomers.
Toddler tantrums and teen hormones were no picnic, but there is an abundance of resources available for those stages of parenting—not so much for how to parent adult children, though.

There may be overlap and outliers in these decades—for example, more than 10 million millennials are currently caregivers for a parent or grandparent—but these are among the general milestones and markers for young adults.

Check out our Conversation from the Professional and Personal point of view of a Parent with new Adult Children and an Adult Child who lives in the same building as her Parents

REF 1 How to parent adult children: Tips for effectively guiding grown kids

REF 2 18 Things Great Parents Do Differently - BRAINY DOSE

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
The views and opinions expressed in thisprogram are those of the participants and do
not reflect the views of the streamingplatforms, public access channels, the Kiddie
Rose Lifestyle, or the program underwriterssimp from my feet, stopping out the

(00:26):
negativity, and everybody's not in frontof me, spread the love, the
umble, deliberately do what he says. Two on what does happen? Leading
Girl? So things love the energylooking seventeen So I take the liberty to
take on a journey liberally. Heyeveryone, and welcome back to the next

(00:50):
chapter where we discuss shades of Gray. I am your host, Minister Cat
aka Kitty Rose, and we arejoined once again again for the third time
in our second show for the thirdseason. Queenws Check ins everyone. Yea,
welcome back, qu Now, I'mso excited. This is a great

(01:11):
topic that you're joining us on today. The topic of the week is drum
roll, please you already parenting adultchildren? Now, all you guys know,
I got about three babies fall withmy godson twenty eight, twenty five

(01:36):
and I'm refusing to admit, butmy baby will be my baby will be
twenty on Friday, and this isTuesday, and she's like, I'm already
twenty, and I'm like, thistopic is gonna be great for you because
I haven't learned the transition because Ihaven't called her an adult. She was
like, what am I a teenager? I'm not a teenager at twenty,

(01:57):
I'm an adult. I was like, when you're a young adult. She
was like, no, I'm anadult. So before we actually get into
the topic of the week, Ijust want to say to everyone, happy
fall. Happy fall has finally begun. We are in October. We're getting
ready for all of the fall festivitiesthat happened in October. My cousin says

(02:20):
she wants to do a costume party. I hope that means not Halloween,
but anyway, so I'm excited.And I love sweater weather. Yeah,
sweat weather, sweater sweater weather.I love it. So welcome fall.
But yes, this week's topic ofthe week is parenting adult children. And

(02:43):
I knew that this was a topicthat's very close to my heart, which
is why I wanted to talk aboutit because I am going through that phase
now where not only it's the verbageabout parenting your adult children, but it's
also how you I guess I identifywhat those changes and that transition looks like.

(03:04):
And because I think we don't kindof have those conversations unless we have
the trial baby, which is thefirst baby, the trial and ever so,
everything we do we learn through thefirst baby, and hopefully we get
it and then the other kids getto enjoy and reap the benefits. But
the first kid hated us and wehated them, and I noticed that I

(03:25):
had to start making that transition asearly as like sixteen seventeen. And it
was difficult with the first one becauseat sixteen seventeen, I'm still talking to
him like he's twelve or thirteen,and that's where the friction was coming.
So now that he's twenty eight,that's a different realm that we're going in.

(03:46):
And it's a different realm that we'realso going in with my twenty five
year old who's now dating someone thatI don't could particularly care for. You
know what I'm saying, And she'sa lovely girl, Fyi, you know
what I'm saying, the lovely woman. I like you, diva, don't
get it wrong. However, youknow, I have my own choice,
and that's also what comes in.Does my choice even matter. No,

(04:12):
it does not, and nor shouldit. Yeah, because at the end
of the day, all I'm supposedto do is love them or love him.
But that's but that's that's interesting.And then my baby, my baby's
twenty and you know, she's reallyquite independent, but in my head,
that's still my baby. So youknow, I knew that this was a

(04:33):
conversation I needed to have, youknow what I'm saying. And then since
this was our regular timing for Quinnell'schecking, how I deal Because you live
in the building with your parents.You don't live with them anymore, but
you're in the same building. Idon't know what that looks like. And
you're about to be thirty or goup, really, so you're over your

(04:58):
thirties, you know what I'm say. So, how does that look like?
Does mom just come over? Doesshe have the keys to the house?
Life? Does she just pop up? Does she care about who you're
dating? Like, let's get intoit, you know what I'm saying.
So before we get into it,I do have one video I just want
to introduce to you guys, andthen when we come back to the from
the video, we'll kind of chopit up So let's go to that first

(05:19):
video that I was able to pulland good morning everybody. Well, we
have heard a lot about the Terribletwo's and the troublesome teens, but rarely
do we discuss the issues that comeup as our children and to adulthood.
From dating, to marriages, tojobs, to finances to buying homes.

(05:40):
It can be a trying time foryoung adults and a really trying time for
their parents. There are the questionsthat sixty five million Americans with adult children
often find themselves asking, should Ilend my twenty four year old money?
Is it okay for my twenty sevenyear old to move back home? How
do I tell my thirty year oldI disapprove of their significant other? Those

(06:03):
issues and more are tackled in doctorLarry Steinberg's new book You and Your Adult
Child, How to Grow Together inChallenging Times. How to Grow Together in
Challenging Times. Okay, let's getinto it. So when that quest these,
when these questions were being posed inregards to, you know, lending

(06:26):
money to your children, if theywanted to move back in, if you
don't like their significant other or marriage, I kind of was thinking more about
like the dating scene or the datingcomponents of when their early stages of dating,
having my input because I definitely hadmy input when my oldest son was
dating his lady that he's been withnow five years. I definitely had input

(06:50):
with my son and his current relationshipat twenty five, who he's been with
for three years. And I definitelygot input in my daughter's relationship. But
I love her boyfriend, so itworks. And I'm going to love my
oldest son's girlfriend because again she hasdefinitely held him down. But I know

(07:10):
for me it's been challenging because Iam an opinionated person in general, so
as a mother. You know,there was another part of that video that
was like, you know, learnhow to be quiet, And I'm like,
what what learn how to be quiet? Get the fuck out of here?
Like that don't make sense to me. It don't because you have these

(07:31):
different stages that they go through.And yes, again we talk about the
terrible tool, we talk about teens, but you know, I realized the
transition when COVID hit. And whenCOVID hit, I stayed down south at
my oldest son's home, and Istayed at his home as a guest.
I could not come to his homethat he shared with his lady and be

(07:54):
like, Oh, move this,y'all. Do this, y'all, what
time is dinner? No, Ihad to shut up, But it was
so humbling, and it was sobeautiful because I got to really see my
son be a man. And thenwhat was also good, It was nice
to see that the seeds I hadplanted actually did something like, no matter
what I have an opinion on,I got to see that what I taught

(08:18):
him and who he was as aman was something that I could be like,
good jock cat. All right,so I'm talked the good five minutes
already in the show. What areyour thoughts as a young adult? Yeah?
Yeah, it's interesting because watching thevideo, my first thought was really
about reprimanding and consequences when we starttalking about adults and adult children, or

(08:43):
parents and adult children. Because it'sone thing to reprimand or consequence your thirteen
year old, your twelve year old, right, but it's another thing to
try to consequence a grown a person. So and so I wanted to talk
about that today. Let me knowif it's if I'm going straight into that
or not. I mean, thatwas the video talking about money, dating,

(09:07):
marriage? Is it just challenges?And I don't know is that a
good word? Yeah, I don'tthink it's challenges. What if it's just
learning to adapt to new transition becauseit doesn't have to be challenging. I
don't think it has to be.I think a different word is adjustments,
yes, right, And I thinkpeople put challenging on it because it's inclusive

(09:31):
of what adjustments come with. Adjustmentsdo come with a little bit of challenges.
It's a learning curve. You're notused to it, and anything that
we're not used to, there's alittle bit of resistance and rejection because naturally
our minds just want to do whatwe have been doing routinely. Whatever the
habit is, we want to dothat. And that goes back to how
do we parent an adult child versusa thirteen year old? Right? And

(09:56):
so when I am seeing a lotof clients, I do individual work and
I do couples work as well,and we tend to go back and talk
about, well, how did youget reprimanded? Because a lot of times
the way that people are reprimanded aschildren, they start to reprimand their partner
that way. When there's a problemon me I need to put the camera

(10:18):
on me. The thing she say, wit discipline or tell it okay continue?
So yeah, and so the differencethat you know that people need to
really really be mindful of people,meaning parents. When you are a parent

(10:39):
of a thirteen year old, youtend to give well, get into straight.
Yeah, we're not We're not doingwhat we learned back before. Yes,
all right, now we are adultchildren. All right. I don't
want to try to twenty people twentytwenty, no problem, So twenty is.
And I want you to start doingcertain things right Twardinton. I need

(11:01):
you to stop with the guilt trip, like, oh, the guilt trip
sounds like, well I want tohave done that to you or you should
know better than that. Why wouldyou do that like that? You don't
love your mom, you don't loveyour dad, you don't call your dad.
What's your problem? You know betterthan that? Please stop, please,

(11:22):
please please wait. I know youdon't get that living in the same
building with your parents, am Iall right? A little? But everything
that I'm talking about is from aclinical point of view. It has an
effect on your relationship. And sothat's what I'm talking about, and that
is the point of Qannelle's check INDsso that she could give us the clinical

(11:45):
point of view, because you know, I'm gonna give you a straight emotional
I'm gonna be like, wait,but what to me? That doesn't feel
right? This is how it feelsto do. So we forgot. I
forgot that I bring her in soshe's not talking about her life, talking
about what she's learned through her clientsand research. Yes, I stand corrected,

(12:05):
So she said to stop. Okay, so let me think. I
don't Okay, I don't think thatI do the guilt trip thing, but
I do. I have heard.I have said, call your mother.
I could be dead in the houseand you didn't check on me. Do
you not care? So yes,I've done that. But the beauty is

(12:30):
that they called me on a regularbasis. So it worked for me.
And then the funny thing about isthat when I started to give them some
space, my daughter now was onsome you can call me some more like,
you can call me more often.But I think it's a matter of
communicating and not well did you dothis? What did you do that?
Did you do this? Well,that's my next point, right, there's

(12:52):
something about nagging child constantly saying heydid you do this? And not just
hey did you do that? Butyou gotta be careful about the tone.
You also have to be careful aboutthe way that be careful. Yeah,
you see, I'm so happy.I'm so happy that she asked me,
do I have to be careful?Did you hear? The tone was almost
like excuse me, excuse me?Talking to an adult? But wait,

(13:20):
yeah, yeah, but you're stilltalking to an adult, right, And
the reason for this, don't getthe hall. Yeah, you just you
have to be mindful. Yes,yes you're still talking to your child,
and yes you still give them guidance. But if you think about anybody's approach,
when somebody is constantly saying certain thingsto you in a certain way,

(13:43):
at a certain point, you startto tune them out because then you start
to be like this, this personalways has something to say about it.
I will agree to that. Yes, it's really it comes across as criticism
and critical. And if you thinkabout the life stage, think about the
life stage that we're at. Weare talking about an adult who is likely
let's give you forties to sixties,okay, right, and then we're talking

(14:03):
about a child who is twenties tomaybe thirties, and really the mind does
not really develop until twenty twenty seven. So now you're talking about watching children
who, yes they have responsibility,and yes they're adults, but they are
going into this transition, as we'recalling it, with not the same wisdom

(14:24):
and experience as the parent. Andthe wisdom and experience brings you a certain
level of caution, brings you acertain level of routine, and I think
if you could call it tunnel visionsometimes that you might not have as a
twenty year old, or at leastabout the same things. Right, if
we're talking about parents, you mightbe having tunnel vision when you're talking about

(14:46):
Okay, well, how am Igoing to enjoy life at this stage the
twenty to twenty seven forty we're havingthe same conversation, but career is inside
of that. So there's different thingsthat people are tuned into. And so
as a parent, you might belooking at your child and saying, well,
you know better than to do Xwhile Z is happening, Like,
okay, so you know that youhad to go to work at you know

(15:07):
you have to go to work ateight am, right, so why would
you stay out until five am?That doesn't make any sense. Okay,
Well, as a forty to sixtyyear old, you know that your body
works differently, right, and youjust need to make different decisions. But
the twenty something to the thirty somethingyear road, we're still trying to have
fun. It's a completely different phase. And so as a parent, you

(15:30):
have to watch your approach. Youhave to watch your approach. You want
to make sure that you're not nagging, and nagging really just means you say
the same thing, even if youthink, oh I didn't say the exact
same words, I didn't say itin the same tone. All you're doing
is trying to find a nicer wayto say what you have to say.
So just give it time, giveit space. Your child is going to

(15:50):
come to you when they absolutely needyou. Well, on that note,
let's take a break. See youin the month. But the first thing

(16:19):
and we lost it. Welcome backto the next chapter. Who she had
a lot to say, didn't she? She had a lot to say?
But I can agree. I willsay that I agree with what she had
to say, and I have takenthose things in consideration. And I believe

(16:42):
that I've taken those things into considerationbecause once again of the trial and the
ever of the first child and thefirst child allowing me to kind of understand
what didn't work and what did workthat I was able to kind of trickle
down to the rest of the othertwo children. But it kind of was
sad because he kind of had toget like the bulk of everything bad.

(17:03):
And that can cause resentment in youradult children because when they start now seeing
that you treat the twenty one thetwenty year old different than when they were
twenty, it causes a little riff. And then also what I've noticed is
not the riff, but the undertonejealousy, you know what I'm saying,
The undertone jealousy that consciously you don'twant to have, but you're lifeweight,

(17:27):
like why, you know, whydoes she get it or why do they
get it better? And I hadit so worse, And I wanted to
apologize for all the firstborn children outthere because it is that learning curve.
And that's why I want to havemore dialogues like this, because again,
like that first video show, theseare conversations that we're not talking about.

(17:49):
That's why we as parents are fuckingup, because we don't know how to
talk to you because in our mind, yes, you still are our children.
And the funny thing is we getannoyed when our grown parents tell us
I'm forty nine years old, andI will get well, you know,
you shouldn't talk to your child thatway, and I'm like, wait,
what now? So I know thatwe don't want our adult parents talking to

(18:15):
us telling us what to do,or criticizing or input that feels like criticism,
you know what I'm saying. SoI do think just like in all
relationships, the basic of communication isthe tone, you know, because our
delivery can be not our delivery.Our intention can be one from love,

(18:37):
but our delivery is so harsh andso controlling, and because I know comes
in the sentence, then it doesn'tget received because the delivery doesn't work.
So I definitely agree with you onthat. Yeah, even something as simple
as not just I know, buteven when you start a sentence saying why

(18:59):
why are you doing this like this? Don't you know that it's the tone.
But it's very be very very mindfulof starting a sentence with why because
it could come across as critical.It puts people's alarms up because then it
feels like you're just pointing a bigfinger at somebody and saying I know better
and your way is not good.I do know better and your way is
not good. So I do knowbetter and your way is not good.

(19:22):
Right, But that's what I'm saying. Right, We're talking about being at
different stages in your life cycle.So yes, you do know better,
you do have some more wisdom.But at the same time, you want
to give your child room to makethe mistakes and learn. You only learned
because you went through it. Well. Most most of lessons they come from
getting your hand burned a little bit, right, And so those things that

(19:44):
are going to stick with you themost is because you had to go through
the experience. So you have togive your child room to live their life.
As long as they are not inany eminent danger, meaning like nothing
is going to happen to them anytimesoon. They're not a harm's way.
You don't need to worry about them. I think a lot of times parents
will jump in because it's like,well, I'm going to be indirectly affected
because I'm watching you do XYV andthat is gonna come back on me somehow,

(20:07):
Right, And you just have tohave patience and grace and remember like,
yes, you know better, youhave a better way, but maybe
your way is better for you becauseyou have all of the knowledge that you
have and your child is just doingthe best that they can with the knowledge
that they have. Okay, sowhat were your thoughts on like the money
thing, because I currently so atmy twenty year old and my twenty five

(20:30):
year old. I currently paid thecell phone bill and my partner said,
they too old for you to bepaying a cell phone bill. Why are
you still paying a cell phone bill? And my response is, to be
honest, you with you, that'sthe only thing that they asked me for.
You know what I'm saying. Theytake care all of their bills on
their own, all of their debton their own, all of their trips,

(20:51):
everything that they want to do outsidetheir life, they take care on
their own. So if that's theonly thing while both of them are still
getting and paying for their education,that's the least I feel I can contribute
to them. But my girlfriend said, that's all you can still have some
control, cause then it could belike I'm gona turn it off your cell
phone and I haven't done that,saying, but well I did but I

(21:17):
haven't done it lately, right,I need to conferring ones than I or
just text us. But but I'mnoticing that what I do like is that
they will lend money between each other. And I love that concept, even
though my oldest son owes my daughtersome money right now, you know what
I'm saying. But I'm glad thatthey're not necessarily coming to me, you

(21:38):
know what I'm saying. But Iam in a position finally where I can
help. But I'm always thinking aboutwhat is that gonna look like in their
thirties when they want to now buytheir first house and they might need help
with their mortgage, you like,or when they come back home, if
they come back home. Before wego to our next video, my none

(22:00):
of my children live with me.My daughter is obviously still with me because
she's in college, but she livesin Philly the majority of the year,
being a full time college student.But the funny thing I noticed is that,
you know, I'm a little sadthat they don't live with me.
That my middle son went to livein Harlem, my oldest son down south,
And I'm like, why do withme and me and your parents we

(22:22):
have the same size apartment, sowe have the space, right. But
my boyfriend says, well, one, they can't have sex in your house,
so duh, well eat it.They could walk in whatever time without
your comment, but they're going tothe fridge to eat the next day.
So what was you They could dothat? Wait? I think they can.

(22:48):
I think they can. But whateverthey can or cannot do, They've
all decided to be independent and liveon their own, pay their own rent,
got their own lease, and I'mvery proud of that. But there
is those times and moments where childrenmight have where adult children might have to
come back home. So when theybrought that up, like, did did

(23:11):
your brother come back home and gethis own place too? Where is he
home with the parents? No,so my brother has his own place.
I at my own place. Allthe kids once we left, we stayed
out. And that is something thatI thought was an interesting point to bring
up because the census says that onein three adult children live at home.
Still I thought the same thing,and no shame, but I think that's

(23:34):
the white people think, because no, but I do, I think because
I don't know a lot of blackadult children that do go back home.
So I was gonna so I wasgonna get into that. I think that
the one and because that sensus wasI've seen it, I've seen the year
in twenty twenty one, right,So to me, I think that that

(23:57):
that might and be of more Blackand Latino children or adult children. But
I'm saying that to say that thelonger you let a child stay, it
allows them the advantage to get theirmoney together, to save, to make
certain decisions that now they can stayaway longer. Or does it is it

(24:18):
a catch twenty two that the longeryou let them stay, the comfortable they
become and not wanting to leave.Because upstairs in the control room we got
a twenty eight year old who stilllives at home. So is he at
home because he's safe or is heat home because he had to? And
he's not white at least, Idon't think, you know what I'm saying,

(24:40):
So that might knock out my stereotypeand thinking that it's a white people
think where it's a maybe a parentwho's being more mindful of not necessarily rushing
the adult child out and giving themthat grace and that time to kind of
put their finances. But when thathappens before we go to our next video.

(25:00):
Do we now set boundaries? Dowe set a time limit? Do
we say okay, you got fiveyears, okay, by the time you
thirty, Like, how does thatnow begin to work when they are still
at home? Do we just belike, okay, you're going to be
home and change my pamples? Yeah? No, you have to set boundaries.
But also we don't want to generalize. We have to also take into

(25:22):
account cultural right so well, culturalstandards. So it might be okay for
let's say a Caribbean person to sayour Haitian, that's the first person that
I'm thinking of. Okay, thereare a lot of women who do stay
home until they get married. Right, so if we're you know, if
we're talking about certain cultures yet thatinto account. Yes, very good point,
that is very true. I didnot take that into consideration. Let's

(25:47):
go to our next break. First, human beings we meet once we arrive
in this world, and they arethe most important guidance we have in life.
Everything we ever become later in life, it's pretty much built on the
foundation made by Parenting is a complicatedendeavor and a big responsibility. And while
no parent is perfect in carrying outtheir responsibilities. Generally, they all strive

(26:11):
to be good with that in mind, there are certain things that great parents
do differently. Let's find out whatsome of these things are. So I
want to break that video up intothe intro that I showed you and then
come back to something else I foundinteresting in the video rather than giving you
guys all eighteen topics, but ifyou want to look them up, it's

(26:32):
eighteen things great parents do Differently byBrainy Dose, and I got the video
on YouTube very interesting parenting tools fromthe beginning to adults. So I kind
of would love for you guys totake a look at that. But what
I find interesting about that intro wasagain that I do believe that we are
all trying to do the best thatwe can, which is why, again,

(26:55):
conversations like this are necessary, becausewe don't want to fight with our
kids. With our children, nomatter what age that they are, you
know, we do want to respectboundaries. We do want to understand that
they are coming into a different phaseand we'll be coming into different phases,
and we generally do want to havethese relationships with our adult children. You
see, even me, I'm beingmindful not to call these babies, children

(27:18):
and babies and kids, you know, so obviously changing our dialect, you
know, our verbiage, so thatwe can make the adjustment up here,
because if we can't make the adjustmentup here, first, all of this
just sounds like want want one,because we're like, we're the parents,
we know best, and we don'tnot in this phase. You know what

(27:38):
I'm saying that Amen, you knowamen, So let's go to that second
half of the video and then comeback. Great parents don't try to impose
unrealistic and unsuitable expectations on their children. They encourage their kids to always follow
their hearts, even if it makeslittle or no sense to others. Good

(27:59):
parents constantly remind their children that eachand every one of us is meant to
walk on a unique path in life, and not only by walking on their
own path will they always remember whothey really are, where they come from,
and where they're going. Number eighteen. They practice self care. Great
parents understand that prioritizing self care isa huge protective factor when it comes to

(28:23):
raising healthy children. Parents who appropriatelymanage their own stress will in turn be
more relaxed and thoughtful as parents,while at the same time teaching their children
how to regulate their own emotions ina healthy way. Parenting is a journey
that takes plenty of patience and understanding. Some parents follow textbook parenting techniques.

(28:45):
Others rely on their instincts to makedecisions and handle the behavior of their kids.
While much of the parenting journey variesdepending on the children's actions, cultivating
these qualities can certainly go a longway. I can definitely agree with those
things because my fifteen minutes helps balanceme out so that I'm at a peaceful

(29:08):
place when interacting with all three ofmy children at the same time. So
self care, you know, keepingmy mind right, keeping myself at a
place of peace even helps me getthe information I need to be able to
parent better, because then I'm ableto receive without my own But blah blah
blah. But wait, interjection,what were your thoughts? Yeah, it's

(29:30):
interesting that you say that about stress. I think that what we don't give
enough credit to is how sneaky stresscan be. And we don't even have
to know that we're stress. Wedon't. Sometimes we think that stress is
only recognizable exactly when it hits us, When it kind of hits the fan,
But you need to take time everyday to make sure that you're doing

(29:51):
that self care so that you're notmoving from a place of criticism like we
were talking about earlier, but alsomoving from a place of impulsivity. So
stress will have you move and beingreactive and saying things that you don't really
mean to say, and then youcalm down, you're like, why I
didn't I didn't mean to say that, Like DA shouldn't have said that.
So it is absolutely necessary to stress, get your stress relief, and get

(30:11):
your self care. And the otherthing that they said in the video is
a nothing. They said in thevideo was to make sure that you parent
your child based off of how yourchild's actions are. And you were asking
me earlier, what do you do? Do you set boundaries? And I
say, yes, you set boundaries, but you also have check ins with
your child. If you think aboutyou all both moving day to day now,

(30:33):
you all are two adults. Youhave work going on, you have
work, stress, you have life, you have relationships. All of these
stresses that are happening outside of thehome, if you don't check in with
your child and make sure, like, hey, can we have a time
to sit and talk about this againthat what I just did, if you
are mindful of that, is verymuch a calm approach, right. You

(30:55):
want to make sure that you're noton ten when you're approaching your child,
because you don't want to come acrossas critical are like I'm the parent,
you live in my house. Youstill have to do things my way.
So you just want to be mindfulof your approach. But the check ins
to say, like, hey,what's going on with you? You can
talk about what's going on with yourself, but that is how you get to
have those discussions around like so whendo you think that you might want to
move? Are you thinking about movingor just saying like, hey, I

(31:18):
actually like this space. I've beenthinking about doing XYZ with the space,
and I think that in maybe twoyears X amount of years whatever it is
that you want to have your childdo. It's a conversation. What about
the money? Do you still borrowmoney from your parents? I do not
borrow money, but something that's happeningnow. I think I'm just a little
bit more independent. And you know, when we started the show, you

(31:40):
asked me at my thirty I'm like, go up. I think that you
know what my parents will do now, And this is I think a part
of parents an adult child sometimes andyou said you miss your child, I
think sometimes your parents still wants toknow that they can help, Okay,
and they still want you to knowthat they're there. Right. So it's
one of those is that a personaland clinical opinion? So that one was

(32:04):
actually personal the second part they justwant you to know that they're there.
But I think from a clinical standpoint, all parents want to still be involved.
All parents want to still help asmuch as they can in a way
that makes sense to them that they'rewilling to do. So. That might
not mean lend you money, no, but that might mean you know what
I'm gonna cook for you, I'mgonna call you on the phone and ask
you did you eat today, orI'm gonna remind you of certain things.

(32:27):
Because parents just want to be involved. That's clinically okay. So when it
comes to let's just say the moneysituation for a minute, how do parents
who are not necessarily to co parentswho are co parents but don't live together.
Yeah, and then their significant otherhas an opinion on why are you
still doing this for your adult children? Or you know or like my significant

(32:52):
other. His daughter's thirty six.You know she's damned near a grown woman,
So how do well? No,I'm sorry, girls, grow woman.
I'm working on myself. No,But like I said, this was
for me because i know that I'mstill in this next chapter and I'm still

(33:15):
so fresh as a newly empty nester. So I don't want to mess up
because I do enjoy the relationship I'mbuilding with my with my adult children.
I don't want to go backwards.I just want to continue to grow and
be a better parent. And you'reabsolutely right. I do come from a
place of still wanting them to knowI'm there. But I think some of

(33:37):
us come from a place of wantingstill to have a level of control,
and that's something that we have tokind of step away from, you know
what I'm saying. And I thinkthat letting go that level of that level
of control is difficult because we've beenin control since day one. For damn

(34:05):
there at least seventeen years. Evenif they're still living at our house,
thinking and we're thinking that they're doingwhen one thing and they're doing something else,
there's still what we think is goingon in our head control. So
for us not to have control intheir decision making, Like they don't even
have to ask you. You know, my daughter just left the country.

(34:27):
Excuse me. She's twenty and shejust left the country with her boyfriend.
But she ain't asked me for adime, so I can't say nothing.
But I'm also like, what theyou accent? What time of the year
is is going? And she's like, excuse me, you know something about
that? I want to ask youand not assume. Okay, you know
you brought that up. What isthe worst thing that could happen if you

(34:49):
relinquish that control in your mind?Why are you holding so tight? I
don't know if it's even consciously becausewhat my oldest sons said to me,
which was woo, light bulb,trust what you have taught us, And
I don't know if we've learned asparents to do that. So I don't

(35:12):
know if it's a control thing orwe just have not learned that we did
a good job, or that we'vedone our jobs. And now you're done,
and now it's a different type ofparenting. Not that I'm about to
be no buddy buddy best friends,because I'm still not your peer, but
I do find that the transition islike I'm able to have conversations with my

(35:35):
twenty year eight year old because nowwe're talking about investing and we're talking about
financial responsibility for our future, youknow. So those conversations aren't the same
as, well, do you havefive dollars in your savings? It's more
like, Okay, this is thenext step. And now we're having different
conversations about insurance that wasn't had tome when my mother gave me my life
insurance at eighteen. I kept itfor like a year, but I didn't

(36:00):
think nothing of it. I didn'tthink that keeping life insurance would have secured
my freaking adult life and helped insome other things that I was going through.
And now at forty seven or fortyeight, when I started my life
insurance plan, and now I havemy financial advisor telling me, well,
you know you could have done this, and you know you can do this,
I'm like, wait, what thisis what insurance is for? So

(36:22):
now at nineteen twenty five and twentyseven, we're having the conversation and starting
up their mutual funds and their youknow, other types of things that wasn't
taught to me that now again,I understand it's not about telling them you
should do this, but now justbringing that new content of adult realization to
their life of what's going on orwhat they can expect or what they should

(36:45):
maybe incorporate or just think about becausethey may not still do it until they're
thirty or forty. It's a conversation, right exactly. The biggest thing about
this. But to go back towhat I was asking you, what is
the worst thing that can happened tooh, if you relinquish control? Many
times I will see that. It'smulti phone, it's multifaceted. It is
the safety that you're concerned about aboutyour child. But then the other thing

(37:08):
is you want to have a levelof closeness with their child. You want
to be able to call them onthe phone and get them on the phone.
You want to be able to callthem and ask them. Some of
this is not just closeness. Someof this is like I actually need you
now. I won't say it right, I won't say it, but I
need you. Well no, yes, because Rose just told me that,

(37:29):
because a part of me was kindof like, I'm not really a phone
person because my business is talk.So I'm tired of talking when I get
home. So now that everyone's kindof like out the house, I'm thinking,
all right, you know, Ido the text and I do the
once a week call or whatever haveyou, and I'm like, okay,
that's enough, you know. Andshe told me just last week, she

(37:50):
was like, you could call mesome more. No, not last week,
a month ago. She was like, you call me some more.
And I was like, really,and say what what they talk about?
She was, you just just checkit, and I swear our conversations have
been beautiful. And what she saidto me, she was like, I'm
liking this. You know that happenedbecause you gave her space. So as
hard as it is for you todo that, and you know the emotions

(38:14):
that came up for you when youwere thinking about relinquishing the control, that
is what the self cares for.That's what the distance is for. Because
you go through all those emotions alone. They don't have to see it,
and you can say, like,you know, this is really hard for
me. I think there are certainthings that you can just be vulnerable with
your children about, and that's partof the discussion, so that they understand
if you are still sound and controllingthen they understand what this transition is like

(38:37):
for you. But if you havefriends, this is really a really really
big part of being the parent.If you have friends, If you don't
have a social group, then youare going to struggle because your life can
no longer be tied to your adultchildren. They have their own lives.
So now when I stay in yourlane, I mean this would love.

(38:58):
I mean this would love. Stayin your lane. If you're like I
don't have any friends, or I'mtired of talking to the same people,
where do I go? There arechurches that you can go to and you
can make friends, and you canvolunteer. There are actual places other places
that you can volunteer. Just thinkabout a hobby that you might have,
or if you're like I don't haveany hobbies, I just watch TV.
Sometimes you just have to google andsee, all right, what's going on

(39:21):
in my neighborhood that I might beeven slightly interested in. You can start
at your building. Sometimes you talkto your neighbors and figure out what's going
on. You can start by joininga committee in your building. But the
biggest thing is branching out and figuringout what your life is now going to
look like, because being an emptynester and calling your kids up because you
miss them and you need them issweet. But then at a certain point

(39:43):
in time, you're not gonna getyour children on the phone. Wow.
And if that turns into well,you know you don't call your mom,
you know you don't call your dad. It's nice initially, right, but
then again it starts to sound likewah wah wah wah wah, or if
it turns into what I notice nowthis we're in the social media age,
right, So now if you areFacebook stalker or ig stalking your child,

(40:05):
and this is the commentary that you'regiving them, I see the x y
z oh, I wouldn't have wornthat right things that this is why parents
get blocked. And now I wasjust getting way because you know I follow,
and now I'm talking personally. Okay, Now personally I don't. I
don't block my parents, but I'mjust and my parents have and my children

(40:27):
have not blocked me. But theywill be mindful about what they post on
the platform that I follow. Theymight have a different page. We all
do that. I mean, youwill understand if you think about your job
and what you post, when youthink about your job is watching, right,
So it's not necessarily personal. It'sjust there are some things that you
want to keep to yourself, which, going back to Cat's point earlier,
that's why you want to have yourown space. You want to move out

(40:49):
because there are certain things that asan adult, even though we're gonna put
child at the end, as anadult child, you want to do by
yourself. And the funniest thing isthat that video that I also apply about
the first one where we did MarieSchreiber from NBC that, by the way,
that was the NBC Today's show thatI got that video from. There
was a part of the video thatthere was actually a mother and son and

(41:10):
the son moves back home, andthere was a part of the conversation with
they were telling the mom like justdon't say anything, And I'm like,
how do you not say anything whenyour child when your adult child still lives
at your home or had to comeback. So again, I really think
it goes back to again just communicationand how we communicate, because I don't
think we as parents can really bethey were and they were an Asian family,

(41:36):
so that was interesting because again Idon't know if that's the culture thing.
But I don't know a lot ofblack parents who can be silent,
you know what I'm saying. SoI think it does matter how we learn
how to change our tone with speakingto our adult children, because yes,
they are now adults, and wethe same respect that we ask for we

(42:00):
now have to give. And Ithink that that's also what becomes hard about
letting them be, not letting themacknowledging and accepting that they're adults and there
are going to make their own decisions. And I think when it comes to
like their mate or how they spendtheir money, or what jobs they take
or where they live, they're stilljust needing us just to kind of be.

(42:23):
Now, maybe a sounding board onthat note, let's take another break.
Being prepared is a part of whoyou are, but it's especially important
in the case of a disaster.Be informed about possible emergencies in your area.
Make a plan that covers where yougo in an emergency, Build a

(42:45):
kid with the things you need tosurvive. There's no one more capable of
planning for your situation than you startyour plan today. Go to ready dot
God slash my plan. Wow,I mean, there's nothing left to talk
about. We might as well goright to our Jesus moment, because go,

(43:07):
oh Jesus, what was what isyour takeaway? What is your Jesus
the moment? For the parents outthere, yes, if you don't remember
anything else, just please give yourchildren grace and then stay in your lane.
And I mean that would love.That means that means just go find
something else that brings you joy andcomfort but also stress relief because your children

(43:29):
might stress you because yes, youdo know better, you have more experience,
more years on them, but youabsolutely want to give them their own
space to learn, and then they'llcome to you when the time is right.
They will ask you for help.And if they ask you for help
and you're not sure, like okay, do I jump in real quick to
give my advice, just put yourphone on mutes. Please let them get
out all the things, and youprobably will be pleasantly surprised that you,

(43:51):
as a sounding board, will heartheir thought process and you will find that
they'll come to a solution. Andif you're too quiet, if you're worried
about being too quiet, they'll say, hello, what do you think?
So I'm just trying to mute first? Wow, that makes sense. And
I think that there's a great takeawayand a great tool. After I give
my Jesus moment, you know,we're going to give you her website again
so that you can contact Quelle forher clinical advice. This way, so

(44:16):
my Jesus moment, because remember Igot to take you back to the scriptures.
So my Jesus moment was looking backat Proverbs like we did last week.
Proverbs is such an encouragement chapter inthe Bible because it's all about encouragement.
It's not about this is what youdo. It's kind of just giving
you words that work. So ifwe go to Proverbs twenty two six,

(44:40):
it says to train up a childin the way he or she should go.
Even when he is old, hewill not depart from it. So
what you said about hello, Hello, are you there? You know?
Yes, if they want your opinionor they want feedback, they'll ask for
it. And how I know tobe true My testimony is my daughter's friends

(45:02):
will be like, oh, Ineed to pray. Can we call your
mother? And they will call me. Easha will call me and be like,
all right, callers on the phone, you know what she needs.
So I do agree when they wantyou because of the way that you train
them. Because it doesn't even startas adults. It's still that beginning part.
Because even Ephesians. For Ephesians,well, I'm gonna give your Ephesians

(45:24):
chapter six one through four, ittalks about children, obey your parents and
the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother. This
is the first commandment, with apromise that it may go well with you
and that you may live long inthe land. But this is the interesting
part that the scriptures tell you fathersand mothers, do not provide your children.

(45:51):
Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord.So when it's with the So when I
looked at that, you know,if that's not our intention, then we
have to take accountability of again,as we've been saying all through this,
show our tone and the other scripturethat I've found later on, so we

(46:14):
won't see a lower thirty. Forthat is also goes back to Proverbs.
Proverbs fourteen twenty four it's said whoeverspares the rod hates their children, But
the one who loves their children iscareful to discipline them. And I don't
think that that means the discipline timeout as a child. I think that
discipline is still encouragement and loves ofguidance that we will still give our children

(46:37):
as they become adults, or asthey are adults in their thirties and their
forties. I know, when Iwas in covid down South, something happened
with my middle son and he wasstill in school at Benington. So as
a mother, I freaking freaked out. And the one time as an adult

(47:01):
child, I was in the sametown that my mother, my biological mother,
was in and I couldn't call himbecause I'm in South Carolina, so
all of my village is here.Yeah, and I called my mother,
and even though we don't have arelationship, she came over and all I
did was cry in her arms atforty seven. At forty so at forty

(47:23):
seven, I still needed mommy.You know what I'm saying. I don't
think we give ourselves credit, butwe really are all just big kids still
working it out. Yeah. Youknow that crying, that tear, those
tears that came out, is becauseit's the little girl in you. If
you think about yourself as a littlechild, even though you're a parent.
That also might help you be alittle bit more gracious with your child,

(47:45):
right because you're still figuring some thingsout too, and so are they what
you may don't I know it all, but yeah, that's a good point.
I am still like this little fragilenot yeah, you know what I'm
saying. And it's crazy because we'regonna say goodbye to you in a minute.
But what's really crazy about that,and this is an another conversation,
is that you know, we asadult children still need our moms and dads.

(48:08):
You know, I yearn from myparents and they're still alive, and
I have no relationship with neither oneof them. And that's a hurtful thing
because I don't need them to youknow, pay a bill, but it
would be cration. Yeah, yeah, And that's the stage of the life
cycle that parents are in now too, right, just maybe not having your

(48:29):
parents there physically or just emotionally.And if you just focus on that a
lot of the times, you'll beable to talk to your child differently.
But also you'll be able to stayin your lane because you have your own
stuff. She keeps saying that lane. I don't like that your lane so
we getting ready to say thank youso much. Quell. I love Cornell's

(48:52):
check in. This was our thirdinstallment. Where can the good folks find
you? Yes, you can findme at w w W at Counseling to
Comfort dot com or ig at Counselingto Comfort Underscore p LLC. And she
will be back with us next month. So again, go to our Facebook

(49:14):
group page if you have any questionsfor her that you want her to answer
on air, but you can alsogo to her website. You can go
to her ig you can answer thosequestions. She's not that famous yet that
she will take your she will stilltake your messages. So you know she
on fancy fancy, but she gonnahave a reception. Is answering her call

(49:35):
answering service, So take advantage nowbecause we get it while it's out,
you know what I'm saying. Sothank you counel and we will see you
next month. All right, let'sgo to our last break of the night.
Guys, every day thousands of kidsstart vaping, and I can't let
this happen to my kid. Ofcourse, it's awkward to talk to you
kids about the dangers of vaping.A bestie, how sketches rape, it's

(49:57):
hard to get their attention ready,go yes, look at that, yeah,
and turn years over. So ifyou want to talk to your kids
about the dangers of vaping, youhave to get a trending right back by
kid first, invide you a kidto do the vakee talk. Let's try
this, alright, why is hehere? I gotta get a trending.

(50:22):
Come on, let's go. Ohhoney, can we talk? Yeah?
What's up? I see a lotof your friends Vacon liz It talk about

(50:43):
vaping dot org for tips on whenand how to have the bake talk.
I love me some cunel. Yes, all right, guys. So remember
I told you last week that I'madding a new segment, and the new
segment is called did you Know?Did you Know? Do you Know?

(51:04):
Did you Know? And this weekdid you Know is going to be health
Tips. Health tips are very importantfor our community to be mindful of.
As I am forty nine approaching fifty, I'm going through different stages of our
life. I'm premenopausing. Things arehappening to my body that I don't understand.
But what has helped me along inthis process are these six health tips

(51:28):
that I'm going to give to youguys tonight and hopefully you can begin to
incorporate these things into your life tohelp you go to whatever transition that you're
going through from teenagers to toddlers toyoung adults to now pre menopausal stage,
and who knows what happens after afterthat. So I wanted to give you

(51:49):
these tips. So one preventive preventivemedicine finding a primary doctor early, using
your network for refs. If you'relike right now, my daughter, you
know, has to change her primarycare provider from when she was young because
she lives in a different state.So how do you know in a different
state where to go to. Shehas cousins, she has aunties that live

(52:15):
in that state that she's in,so I suggested for her call them up
see who they're going. Because atnineteen, it is important for you to
have your own doctor that can gothrough these stages with you. Don't think
and go to the doctor when it'stoo late or when you're sick. Preventative
medicine is why you pay for yourinsurance, so that you could take full

(52:37):
advantage of things, not when you'resick, but to prevent you getting sick.
Number two, be honest with yourpartictioner practitioner. If you smoke,
if you do drugs, whatever youdo, be honest because they can't.
First of all, they'll know anywayin your tests, but they can't help

(52:57):
you if you're not honest. Sodon't get it twisted. My primary doctor,
I was having an issue with mycough. My primary doctor said,
well, maybe you should stop smokingweed for a minute, So you know
I do I hide that. No, when I go in and talk to
her about my sexual partners. IfI had sex with someone without protection,
I have to say that. Sobe honest with your practitioner because it's like

(53:21):
the lawyer. Whatever you say withthem stays with them. Even if you
have children, with your children tellsyour practice. They're a practitioner. Do
you believe they can't tell you asthe parent, So be honest with your
practitioner. Number three, Pay attentionto your body. Your body will talk

(53:42):
to you. My need was hurting, and it was hurting for two months.
There was no swelling, there wasno you know, no hotness.
But I ended up going to mydoctor that gave me referral and found out
that I'm developing arthritis in my knee. But if I did and pay attention
to my body and just dismissed itall and I'm just getting older all I

(54:07):
was a dancer, I would havemissed it and would not have been able
to get the physical therapy. Nowthat I'm getting that, my insurance is
helping to pay for that, Ipay into four Google reviews. Nowadays,
we could google everybody. So ifyou're not sure about a practitioner, or
you're not sure about a clinic,or you're not sure about a hospital,

(54:30):
google the reviews. Because when peopledon't like stuff, they will definitely report
it, you know what I'm saying. When people like stuff, they will
reported. So if you're uncertain,google the information so that you can get
clarity on where you're going. Sizepreventive services. Preventive services like these urgent
kids now that they've built up everywherewhere you don't have to go to an

(54:52):
hospital, or you don't have togo to your primary You could go to
a city or any of these smallurgent cares that are opening. My boyfriend
works for an organization called Relay Services, and those services help people who are
going through drug addiction or drug abusesand what happens is that when you od

(55:13):
they send these people from relay tothe hospitals and give them nord Kane kids
as well as introduce them to theprogram to see if they're ready to get
off drugs. So these are thingsthat get again your insurance because health is
just not your medicine or when you'resick, health is even the self care.
And when we addiction is a disease, my friends, alcoholism, drug

(55:39):
addition, these are diseases that needto be treated. And last but not
least as questions, as questions,ax questions. You're not gonna know what's
going on if you don't ask questions. So don't be afraid what they say

(56:00):
say no question is a dumb question. Don't be afraid to ask questions because
you may be surprised at what theanswer is. Everything nowadays is in our
food, how we eat our diet, and we are clueless. So if
we're clueless and all these things that'shappening to us, how will we know
how to fix them or understand themif we don't ask questions. So that's

(56:23):
it. That's our second segment orour first segment of do you know?
And I like that I think thisis definitely going to be a new segment
that I'm going to be enjoy doingeach week. So now you know,
this time of the show comes tothe part that I that I'm really not
a fan of. And that's whenI need all of you to follow,

(56:45):
like and share, follow like andshare. Yes, because we want to
keep this engine going. I toldyou last week were about to do some
more awards this year because we arenow an award winning show. So I
need you, you guys, togive me some feedback. And I need
you guys not only to give mesome feedback by joining my Facebook group page,

(57:07):
but yeah, man, subscribe tomy channel, follow like, and
share, watch me every Saturday nightat Bronx neck here at eleven and you
know I'm at break on Mondays andemming them on Wednesdays and YouTube all the
time. But you're not gonna knowthat unless you follow, like and share.
So yeah, that's it. Thisa week. I've enjoyed this ride.

(57:28):
I'm enjoying all of you guys thatstop me in the street. You
are wonderful. Continue to stop mebecause in a minute you ain't gonna be
able to stop me with my securityaround. No, I'm joking I'm always
gonna be for the people because Iam your host, Minister cat aka Kitty
Rolls. And this is the nextchapter where we discuss shades of gray.

(57:51):
Until next time. I see youguys all next week. Be safe and
stay focused out there, peace,the liberty to take morning journey liberically,
go through hallways and alleys, darkdays that cavary, sharp pains and bellys.
All days be heavy when your programto survive, letting every safe,
to get the emptys and the jobs. The city never sleeps, slept from

(58:15):
one to five, And when COVIDhit the block and we had to stay
inside the club. That's all Iknow. So be gentle with myself,
learn to navigate once. It's whenno cod If you've never been cold,
never being broke us in twenty fourseven, just to stay afloat so you
are like buy the pizza in thatcold wollshit. That real life great from

(58:35):
the part of the city is ashard as the gifts, just that New
York ship. That real life greatfrom the part of the city is as
hard as the gifts.