August 27, 2024 • 40 mins
Lyndsay Soprano and Hannah Tuckett tackle the all-too-common struggle of burnout in this eye-opening episode of The Pain Game Podcast. With a focus on the fine line between boundaries and balance, Lyndsay reflects on her own journey of battling burnout fueled by a relentless drive for success and the urge to please others. Meanwhile, Hannah, a seasoned burnout coach, shares her hard-earned wisdom, revealing the moment in 2017 when she realized she could no longer continue living in overdrive.
For anyone feeling trapped in the exhausting cycle of overachievement and self-neglect, this episode offers a refreshing perspective. Hannah's compassionate guidance and practical tips light the way toward breaking free from burnout and embracing a more authentic, balanced life.
Find Hannah Online Here:
Website: www.serenesuccess.net
Instagram: @serene_success
Facebook: Hannah Tackett
Find The Pain Game Podcast Online Here:
Website: thepaingamepodcast.com
Instagram: @thepaingamepodcast
Episode Highlights:
(00:00) This podcast focuses on living with chronic pain and trauma
(02:10) Introduction to the topic of burnout
(10:30) Lyndsay's personal journey with burnout
(15:45) The impact of people-pleasing on burnout
(20:20) Hannah Tuckett's story and her path to becoming a burnout coach
(25:50) The four success traps: people-pleasing, perfectionism, overextending, and overachieving
(30:15) The role of fear in driving burnout
(35:00) The secret key to ending burnout: authenticity
(40:10) Practical strategies for aligning with your core values
(45:20) Energizing your being and resetting your nervous system
(50:30) The importance of setting boundaries and asserting your voice
(55:00) Claiming your surplus and focusing on self-care
(01:00:00) Final thoughts and words of encouragement for listeners
For anyone feeling trapped in the exhausting cycle of overachievement and self-neglect, this episode offers a refreshing perspective. Hannah's compassionate guidance and practical tips light the way toward breaking free from burnout and embracing a more authentic, balanced life.
Find Hannah Online Here:
Website: www.serenesuccess.net
Instagram: @serene_success
Facebook: Hannah Tackett
Find The Pain Game Podcast Online Here:
Website: thepaingamepodcast.com
Instagram: @thepaingamepodcast
Episode Highlights:
(00:00) This podcast focuses on living with chronic pain and trauma
(02:10) Introduction to the topic of burnout
(10:30) Lyndsay's personal journey with burnout
(15:45) The impact of people-pleasing on burnout
(20:20) Hannah Tuckett's story and her path to becoming a burnout coach
(25:50) The four success traps: people-pleasing, perfectionism, overextending, and overachieving
(30:15) The role of fear in driving burnout
(35:00) The secret key to ending burnout: authenticity
(40:10) Practical strategies for aligning with your core values
(45:20) Energizing your being and resetting your nervous system
(50:30) The importance of setting boundaries and asserting your voice
(55:00) Claiming your surplus and focusing on self-care
(01:00:00) Final thoughts and words of encouragement for listeners
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
This is Your Pain Game podcast where we talk about
the game of living in and with chronic pain and
trauma get into the heart of how to heal. I
am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan
on discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, holistic practitioners, loved ones,
and anybody that is interested in having their voice.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Heard in the chronic pain and trauma world that we
live in.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
So, you guys here often on the show that I
am exhausted, I am burned out, and I was doing
pretty well for a couple months where I wasn't letting
my burnout completely overtake me. And the past couple of
months have been crazy, and that I'm exhausted phrase is
far too often used in my life right, and it
(01:01):
is for you guys as well.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
I mean, we all have it.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
It's not just burn out with our jobs, it's not
just burnout with our health.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
It's burnout. It's burnout.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
It's burnout because we are all trying to do so
many things all day long, for everyone, for everything, and
as I always say, I always end up being the
last person on the list. I end up being that
person that is so burnt out that by the end
of the day, I don't even have anything left to
give myself, and I keep saying I'm working on it,
(01:32):
I'm working on it. I'm working on it, and I am.
That is how hard burnout is to deal with. Does
burnout increase our pain levels? Does it increase our s
cortisol levels? Does it increase Does it increase? Absolutely it does.
And that is what we are going to be talking
about today to discuss this and discover where we are
(01:52):
doing some things that we could probably do a little
bit better to ease a little bit of that burn right,
But a lot of that burnout from especially from somebody
like me, comes from the desire to be successful. I
came from a very successful family, both sides, both my
stepfather and my father both very successful. My husband to
be absolutely successful. I have been and it has been.
(02:14):
But for me as a woman, it's always been success achievement.
That is all that fueled me. And my health took
a back burner to that. So when you get that
grit and that fire to continue to be successful, within
that place comes people pleasing, and people pleasing is my
biggest quite frankly, it is absolutely my biggest fault as
(02:38):
a human being is people pleasing, which sounds counterintuitive, but
it is. And this people pleasing has led to burnout
for me like no other, and it has led to
my health issues, it has led to relationship stressors, it's
led to work stress right, and like I said in
the beginning, it's not just about your job. It is
about your children, it's about your nieces and nephews, it's
(03:00):
about your spouse's, your family, your politics, your health, you
name it. We're burnt out and we're burnt out and
that can cause resentment. So let's talk about it today.
What is burnout, what are the symptoms of it, what
are the difference between boundaries and balance, and most importantly,
what can we do to get that flame fired up
(03:21):
again instead of it burning us to the ground. So
I have got an amazing guest, Anna Techt, Hello, Darling.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
Hello, I'm so happy to be here. I'm so excited
to talk about this because I know that there are
so many high GIENA women, women that are driven to success,
who don't even realize that they're on the path to
burnout until they hit that wall.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, and I mean you used to be in technology
and leader and you were like to in corporate American
all of that, and I get it from being in
technology myself. That burnout is so real, especially when we're
women and guys. It's not that we don't care about you,
because we do, but we take on so much more
than you guys do, and you don't even understand it.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
And it's not as slamming you, but it is not
as slamming you.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
So you are now dedicating yourself to coaching against burnout.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Yes, yes, I am.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
That is insane.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
So I'm relling out the red carpet for you, babe,
And I'd like to start talking about what started your
I'd like to say suffocation of burnout and let's take
it from there.
Speaker 3 (04:25):
Sure. So this came about obviously, maybe not obviously, but
out of my own burnout experience. And the thing that
I experienced in my life is I've burned out more
than once. I have managed to burn out in every career.
I've burned out as a student. I made my I
work myself until I'm sick and passed out. That is
like the way I go about life. And the last
(04:45):
time I burnt out, it scared me. It was twenty
seventeen I had two babies to take care of. I
had this amazing career that I put a lot into
making happen for myself, and this marriage, and like I
just had so much on the lah on the line,
Like I had this beautiful life, but I had built
and I was not showing up for it. I was
not showing up for anything. I was literally in bed
(05:07):
and I couldn't get up, and I didn't know why.
You know, I went to the doctors. They ran all
the test and they just came back and said, there's
nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. And I'm like,
but there is, obviously, I can't get up. And so
what I realized in that moment was I.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
Was just fry.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
I pushed myself too hard for too long, and I
needed to change. I need to change how I show
up in the world. And so that was like a
tipping point for me, when I couldn't show up for
my own life, when I was afraid that I was
going to fail as a mom, I was going to
lose my job, my marriage is going to crumble. Because
I was destroyed. I had nothing left to give, and
(05:44):
so I made a decision that I was prioritizing my recovery.
I was going to end the burnout. I was going
to make sure it never happened again. And it was
my commitment to ending the burnout and then making sure
it never happened again that set me on this path
where now I'm working with other professional women, other women
who are driven by success, who are struggling with burnout,
and or who burn out on a habitual basis, you know,
(06:07):
like we're I realized, you know what I did stealing
working myself, and I became a coach, and I studied
all of these things and I got these certifications, but
I was still working in tact, going to conferences, meeting
all these women, talking all these people, and I'm like, oh,
this is not just a me thing. So many of
the women I was talking to were also burnt out,
They were fried, they were struggling, Like I need to help.
(06:28):
I need to set up a system that can help
people and the burnout and make sure it never happens again,
Like way faster than it took me, because you know,
let's accelerate that healing, you know, so you're not spending
years wandering through hundreds of books. I talked to like
every kind of professionally you can imagine, you know, chirofactors, acupuncturist, doctors,
every kind of specialists you can think of to find
(06:50):
my way there. And I was like, I can just
really condense this and get a predictable, repeatable system in
place to help women get unstuck.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Yeah, And I think that the getting stuck part of
it is where I have had to be challenged in
my world to be like, I've always been high performing.
I've always been the woman that's like, hear me, rore
got it, I.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Got it, I got it, don't worry about it. I'll
take care of it. I'll pay for it.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
And I don't even know where that came from outside
of as I've gone through actually doing this show. Is
I had no idea how much people pleasing was part
of the burnout and why that happens to women in particular,
where we're faced with all of these adversities, and we've
(07:37):
got kids and nieces and nephews and all of these
people that are coming and going, and we're doing all
the things trying to run our business. We're trying to
be successful. We're trying, and we're trying, and we're trying
and we're trying it. It just it feels so endless. It
feels so endless, and so why do we do this?
Why do we do this? Especially women? And I'm sorry
(07:59):
guys again, I'm say we're not putting you out there,
but this is definitely a woman saying big time, and
we're also going to kind of blame you.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
So there are men obviously that burnout. There are men
that are people pleasers. So however, women are reporting burnout
on a much higher level. So yeah, so let's dive
into that. So I love the bringing of the people
pleasing because what you don't hear talked about when people
are talking about burnout is the five to six or
I think like the four success traps, and these are
(08:29):
the people pleasing and that's where you know, you're trying
to hear your boss happy, your kids happy, your spouse happy,
and your needs are inevitably last on the list on
the bottom. And part of that people pleasing tend there
tends to be, you know, a fear of saying no.
And the second success trap is perfectionism. So we've all
heard people talking about their perfectionism and its relationship to burnout.
(08:51):
So you know, having impossibly high standards, high attention to detail.
Something I want to call out about these success traps
is that their flip sides of a coin. Right, So
these are the behaviors that have likely driven you to success.
So they've been working for you in so many ways
in your life, which is why you keep doing them. Right.
So on one side, people pleasing and a fear of
saying no. You are making other people happy and you
(09:13):
are probably getting rewarded for that by being given more work.
If you have high standards, that's a great thing. It's
a wonderful thing to have attention to detail, the high standards.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Right.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
What's different about these success traps, though, is when the
drivers to success and it's like they cross a line.
They've gone too far, and they start to drive us
to burn out. And I believe that happens when our behaviors,
these success traps are rooted in fear. And the fears
that I've seen come up a lot in working with
women is people call it the imposter syndrome, but it's
(09:46):
really the fear of nothing worthy. And so a lot
of women they are showing up and they're proving themselves,
and these are highly qualified women. In leadership. They are
more than qualified for the job, right, but they're showing
up every day like they have to prove themselves. It's
like they're brand new and they pushing and they push
and they push, and they feel they always had to
be on, they always had to be responsive. And at
the root of that is a fear of you know,
(10:08):
nothing worthy. I fear of not being accepted right. And
so those are the what I find is like when
these success traps, when they go from driving you to
success and they cross the line and to burnout, they're
usually rooted in fear. So we've got the people pleasing
that fear of saying no perfectionism. There's also the overextending behavior.
(10:29):
There're a success trap, and that's where whenever you are
helping everyone around you, So your team needs help, your
children need help, your husband needs help, everyone needs help,
so you are picking up the problems and responsibilities of others.
And then the fourth success trap is overachieving. And I
am a big guilty one on this and that's just
it's almost like an addiction to being busy. And so
(10:50):
that's where we feel like, if to be worthy, we
need to be busy, right, So if we're not double
booked all day long, then we're not worthy, We're not
in and not valued. So we make sure that we're
busy all of the time so that being worthy. So
those are the five success traps that books out of
the coin right, they can drive us to success, out
(11:10):
of balance when rooted and fear, they drive.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Us to burn out. Yeah, and you know I say
this often on the show.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
My father has always said, lindsay, the most wonderful things
about you are the worst things about you. And I
say it all the time just in my general life.
Like I'm like, because it's true, I am overproductive, over perfectionist,
and those things do. They do me very very well
(11:37):
in some places, but they also take me into you know,
Dante's inferno on the other side, because I am trying
to do all of these things for other people that
are not interested in me helping them, but I want
to help them.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
I want to help them.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
I'm like, I am watching you completely destroy your life
and I'm here to help, help, help, help, help, and
all it does is actually drag me down when people
that I'm trying to help don't even give a shit
about where I'm trying to help them. And so that
people pleasing inside of me has been a very interesting
(12:16):
challenge over the past couple of years as I've learning
about what that actually means, because it almost turns itself
around to me almost being selfish because I want to
take care of everybody else. And is it because I
want to make sure that everybody else is taken care
of and I get a pat on my back? Or
(12:39):
is it because I actually love and care for these
people and really want them to get their shit together?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
There is this like weird, like Teeter.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Totter that I'm going on right now, in particular in
a certain situation in my sweetie and nice life, that
I am doubting anything that I've ever done to help
and support everybody that I always have. But that comes
from this fear. So where is fear coming from?
Speaker 3 (13:10):
So the fear is going to come from? Like I said,
there's so many ways, right, We can so many ways
that we can pick up a fear of mindset in
our lives. And it can range from having super critical parents.
It can range from fearing of disapproval from said parents
if they have really really high expectations. It can come
from being rejected maybe having experiencing a job loss or
seeing all of your colleagues around you laid off. It
(13:33):
can come from growing up in an environment where there
wasn't enough. It can also come out of trauma almost
and so that the house are endless. How we got
there is endless like the other. There's so many ways
that we can end up with a fear mindset. The key, though,
is to change the mindset. Yes, so we got there somehow,
(13:56):
somehow We've got these beliefs. Somehow we have these feelings
and this understanding of the world around us that we
feel like we have to prove ourselves. We feel like
we have to maintain a certain standard, We feel like
we have to help everyone around us. So what do
we do? This is not It sounds simple to change,
but it is not easy to change. And I know
this firsthand. There's this this key to ending burnout that
(14:17):
I don't hear people talking about. So I always want
to call it like a secret key. There's a secret
key to ending burnout, just because I don't hear it
being discussed. And that is authenticity. And I know that
sounds really rude. You're like, what does that even mean?
And why would it? Why would it have any impact
on burnout. And so stepping into authenticity, what that really
does for us is it when we step into alignment
(14:39):
with our values, right, we prioritize and align your actions
with your core values and beliefs, and that will reduce
the internal conflict, a dissonance, that resonant that you mentioned
resentment earlier. It will reduce that resentment, that resistance inside
that is draining you. Right, So being in align with
your values super important. It'll reduce emotional exhaustion because authenticity
(15:04):
involves us being true to ourselves and expressing our thoughts, beliefs,
and needs honestly. And that openness and that honesty can
reduce the emotional exhaustion by fostering genuine connections with others.
And also by being authentic, we become more self aware,
and that self awareness leads us to understand our strengths,
our limitations, and where our boundaries need to be. And
(15:28):
that awareness kind of allows us at realistic expectations for
ourselves and you know, reduce the likelihood of overcommitment that
can lead to burnout. So there are some really big
pieces that stepping into authenticity by you know, using that
key to unlock burnout that can can shift us away
from the burnout cycle. But that I know that that
stuff sounds kind of like, how right? How do these things?
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Yeah, for sure, because I mean everybody that's listening is
going like every single thing in their brain is swirling
ourn So everybody, just listen to your brain swirling around
for just a hot second, okay, because that is where
we all kind of feel like. This is almost like
we feel like we're out of control to a certain extent,
(16:16):
even though we are people and I'm speaking to people
that are incredible people pleasers. I am a person that
wants to have complete control of my environment all of
the time, and unfortunately, the world around me is out
of control. So I am trying to control a world
(16:39):
that I have no control over. And that's something that
I've been dealing with since I was a very very
very little girl. I think I've been burned out since
I was nine. I mean, I'm not even kidding, And
I know that that stems from childhood trauma to a
certain extent, and I know that I've been identifying things
throughout my life that have led towards this this burnout
(17:05):
because I was burnout when I was like in junior high,
I was already burnout and motherfucker, you know, like I
was already there. And now I'm forty six and I'm
still doing the same things and still trying to fight
for the same things that I did when I was
a young girl.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
And I do that through my business. I do that
through success.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
I deal with it through making money, being successful, doing
this show, doing this, doing doing doing doing doing that
is how I have treated my trauma. So we got
to talk about that, baby.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Absolutely, absolutely so, yes. So I subscribed to some of
the same kind of mindset like traps is I if
I make enough money, I will be safe, can't be
harmed if I have enough money. So I need to
really successful work and you can be safe without making
a lot of money. I did. I have learned this,
and although I'm still not willing to not make a
(18:07):
lot of money, however, I'm not willing to injure myself.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
I do not want to live on a tent, but
this side of the river, no, I don't want that.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
Yes, but I think what you're saying is like, okay,
so we want the success. Absolutely, Like there's a reason
I name my company Serene Success because I love success.
I want the success, I want the money, I want
the comfort, I want the security.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
And success can be defined however, your success, right, yes, yes,
so I.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Mean that that also involves having healthy relationships. That also
involves having a healthy body. So we define what success means.
But then there's a serene aspect, right, so success and
be able to be present to enjoy it. And so
so you know, I've got this five step method I
called the Peace method, and they sound simple, sometimes harder
(18:58):
in execution, but this there's pretty simple. That the first
one is to pursue your yes, and that's where we
kind of ditch all the shoulds. So I know that
in my life, I've picked up a lot of expectations
like you know, my parent my parents wanted to adopt
be a doctor, and or you know, in the world
of tech, there's you know, certain expectations that your career
will go a certain way, or you know, you want
(19:19):
to be successful, you succeed like this person or and
I know a lot of my clients, like you know,
I have one plan that's a first generation right, so
their parents loaded on lots and lots of lots of expectations.
It's like, okay, I got to be a doctor, I
got to be perfect all times, got to make enough
money to support myself, and you know, the folks back
home and like just piling and piling and piling up
all these expectations from all over the place. And so
(19:41):
what we need to do is like peel back the
onion and figure out yet clarity on what matters to
you now in this season of life. Because also what
I see people doing is marching to the beat of
a drum that they set back seven years ago. So
in different seasons of life, in different phases, we have
different you know, aspects of our of our purpose coming
(20:02):
into play. Right, So tuning in to what matters to
us now in this season of life, letting go the shoulds,
and then actively pursuing what we're saying yes to. Simple
solution to stop saying yes to everything is to get
really clear on what your big yes is, Like what
matters to you? Not what are you asked to do,
not what is coming your way, but like what is
(20:23):
the one thing that matters to you. We're like the
top couple of things that are in alignment with your
core values, that are in alignment with what matters to you, Right,
now this season of life and what does that yes
look like? And when you get really crystal clear on that,
it becomes easier to say no to the things that
aren't going to move that forward. Because everything you say
(20:44):
yes to is a no to something else. So if
we're not intentional strategic with our yeses, we may not
end up we want to go. We may not end
up anywhere other than exhausted. So yes, So getting really
really intentional and aware of what we're saying yes to.
And then the second and stuff is I call it
energized your being. And this is where we you know,
(21:05):
we reset your nervous system, we release trauma and start
taking care of our own selves. Right, so we are
eating for energy, improving our sleep, connecting with loved ones,
joyful movement, these basics basic human care that myself and
all the women i've I've worked with and talked to
(21:25):
put at the bottom of the list, right.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
Bottom bottom of thought.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
And then we get sick.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Yeah, we don't know why, and I know why.
Speaker 3 (21:34):
Now we know why.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
We don't know why. Now that's insane. We know now why.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
We know now why, so there are no excuses anymore.
We know now and that and I am speaking to
myself when I say this. I know all of this.
I know this now, especially by doing this show. My God,
the things I've learned about the the places that I've
held The body keeps the score, right, I use it
(22:00):
all the time on this show. Body keeps a score
all of these places that all of this stuff has
sat in and I've not having a conversation with and said,
you know what, it's okay for you to go now.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
It's okay for you to release that. Now. This was
something that happened in your nine.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
This was thirteen, this was seventeen, this was twenty one,
this was twenty four, this was twenty seven.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Go up the ladder.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
It's about time for me to relinquish the control that
that stuff has held on me and my health.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
It's time to say goodbye.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Right.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
And also, like the I think part of it is
also Haavy compassion.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Right.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
So for those of you who are listening right now
and you're like, I'm a people pleaser, I'm a perfectionist.
I'm going to beat myself up now. I put my
health last.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
I'm so tiful consented here.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Yeah, yeah, So don't beat yourself up if you're doing
all of these things, right, super common observe with curiosity.
You're like, oh, I just deprioritize my workout again because
I think that I'm going to have more time if
I sit down and crank through this work that I've
set for myself to do. You know, there's there's ways
that we sabotage ourselves and sabotage as a part of
(23:06):
the process. So so yeah, so we want to energize ourself.
And one of the big mines that shifts is to
realize that you are the most critical asset in your business,
in your career, in your relationships, in your life, and
you require maintenance. So investing in yourself is necessary. It's
(23:31):
a requirement for all of these sort of things that
you think that you need to do. So you've got
to put yourself first. We all know this, you know,
we've heard it before. I can't We're have an empty cup.
But the way that I shifted it because I like,
I'm a very responsible person, right, I like to get
things done. If I think of myself as an asset,
if I think of myself as a resource that has
to be managed in order to do X Y and
(23:53):
Z and x y and Z, matter to me that
I have to take care of this resource because this
resource can't fund if I don't. And so that's how
we get into the prioritizing of self, and it's really
done a number on our minds where we think that
it's wrong to take care of ourselves and noble to suffer.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
It is not.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
It is not noble to be a martyr. You are
the most important as asset in your life. Invest in
yourself and you will see exponential impacts on the areas
of your life. Do you care about your relationships will improve,
your business will improve, your career will grow. Like the
things that you want to happen, that you're slaving away,
stressing and striving and pushing for will start to happen
(24:35):
for you when you put yourself first and you start
investing in the one resource that matters, which is you.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
There are so many people that needed to hear what
you just said. I am one of them. I have
fallen into every single one of the traps my whole
entire life. I've always been that person that puts everybody
ahead of myself, which is this. I come from a
religious background. I'm not religious at all anymore, but it
came from this like you've got to get give of
(25:00):
yourself to everybody else. And it may sound beautiful, but
I feel like the message should have been, take care
of your soul, your heart, your spirit, you're this you, you.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Before you can take care of other people.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Because if we are not strong enough to take care
of our own self, how are we going to be
better for anybody else?
Speaker 2 (25:28):
And I have learned that the.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Hard way, and one hundred percent it is why I
am ill, not even ninety nine percent. It is one
hundred percent why I ended up not having but starting
this show was because I learned very quickly how important
(25:50):
these conversations are and they're not being had and they
need to be had. And I'm grateful for you to
have this with me today because this has cut your time.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
I mean, is just like stupid good.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
But I'm glad I am people pleasing again like a motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
And I am angry with myself because I was doing
so good.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
I have been applying so many wonderful things, and then
I jumped right back into my people pleasing trap. So
I'm right back into it and now I am clawing
my way out of it. Yeah, and other people are
doing the same thing, and it's okay, guys, it's ok
it's okay, it's okay.
Speaker 3 (26:33):
It's a part of the process. Yeah, and I love that,
you know, we have this forum to talk because the
women who struggle, who have a habit of burning out,
like you, like me, like the women I work with,
like the women who have a habit of it. Right,
we're on oh rest cycle. We're doing this on raps yep.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
Yeah, yeah, this is a one off.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
Yeah. The women who are struggling with the success traps,
the people pleasing, the overachieving, the over extending and helping,
the fear of saying no. All of that's these women
who've been trained their whole lives to be selfless, are
so afraid that being selfish by putting themselves first, by
doing basic self care like eating their lunch, like going
(27:13):
for a walk, you know basic.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Right, we're even doing like feed our body and exercise.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
Yeah, the silly stuff that we should be doing, but
we're not doing it because we're so afraid of being selfish.
Here is the message. You couldn't be selfish if you tried.
Those of us who are wired this way, those of
us with this kind of a relationship with showing up
in the world. It is darn near impossible to be selfish.
You're so far on the other end of the spectrum
that you trying to be selfish is just going to
(27:41):
get you a little bit closer to the middle. So
don't worry about the selfishness you're not You're not selfish.
And so I love that you're saying, like, Okay, there's
these things, these habits that we have. And I loved
thinking about it, like hait right, because one of the
things that I do with women is like, you have
to set up conditions for a notable success because we
are changing behavior yours and as an adult, any kind
(28:03):
of change, any kind of learning, right, We're going to
learn something new. We're going to learn a new way
to show up in the world, a new way to
interact with working, have a new relationship with work. Anything
new like that will trigger babotage, right, because anything new,
any new learning as an adult is essentially change in
(28:23):
our cretit brain. And there's so many ways to refer
to that thing. The cretit brain the part of our
the part of our brain that is there to keep
us safe. It wants things to stay the same, because
the same is familiar, the same is safe. It's been
working for you so far. You're still alive, right, And
so it'll flare up and you know, drag you back
into old behaviors or come up with excuses like well,
(28:47):
I'll just go for a walk later because I'll have
so much more time after I finish this really big
project that's on my mind.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Well, it also shows up in our body.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
It does, yes, And so yeah, that's where the sicknesses
come in. I don't know if I had have it
getting sick. I don't any more thinking, but yeah, we
get sick all the time. And that was another way
of my body just kind of like just stopping.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Yeah, your body, your body keeps the score. We've talked
about it all the time on the show, the book,
We know about it.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
It is straight up.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Our bodies are affected by everything we do, everything we eat,
the movies, we watch, the people we are hanging around,
our families, that we have no control over, our ancestry,
I mean all of it, guys.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
It's a lot. It's a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
And until you start paying attention to the things that
actually matter and not focus on the things that don't
that outside influence that's always penetrating us if we don't
just like get in and go, okay, yeah, this is
really messing my entire life up.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
And then you go back down and you go.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
This is the reason, this is the reason that I
am this upset. And it's like sometimes it's mediocre at best,
like it's the smallest thing, but that all these people
and all these things all climb on top of it
and they make it larger than it should be, and
then us people pleasers, add more to it on top
(30:16):
of it because oh my gosh, this is going to
be the end of the world and we've got to
make sure everything is okay. And like, I can't even
begin to explain how many like school lunches I'm making
for children that I don't even know in my brain.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
I'm making. I'm a lunch lady, Hannah, I'm a lunch lady. Goodness,
maybe it's food for kids. I don't have.
Speaker 3 (30:42):
So much work that you don't need to do. And
I think also like I know when we're when we're
taking on projects or like if we're incorporate, you're you're
familiar with like the whole rules and responsibilities. So another
way to structure this in our brain is like, what
are we really responsible for? What do we have ownership of?
Speaker 2 (30:58):
Yeah, the only thing.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
You're responsible for is you at the end of the day,
at the end of your life. The only thing you're
responsible for is you and the outcomes that you've created
in your life. So realizing that, it kind of becomes
a lot easier to let other people go and fail.
Just let them, let them, that's okay, and it's good
for them.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
I love you today, I love you hand them today.
I needed this message today because I never put myself first,
and I continue to say, oh no, I got it,
I got it, I'm doing it, I'm doing the thing,
and then I fall straight back into it. And I
needed this message today because I have to. I have
to boundary.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Some of the fuckers.
Speaker 3 (31:40):
Today talking about boundaries. So step three in the piece method,
just the system to end burn out right and make
sure it doesn't come back, is to assert your voice. Yeah,
And so that's where we learn how to ask for
what we want and get it. And that's also how
we learn where we learned how to say no right
and getting confidence and pctice because say no is a skill.
(32:03):
So just because you feel afraid of doing it. Yeah, yes,
saying no, and you may not have developed the skill.
I did not develop the skill of saying no until
I was in my late thirties.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
I'm working on it and I'm forty six.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
Right, So it's realizing that it's a skill that you
can learn, you can practice, and you can develop, just
like anything else. Just like anything else. So just because
you're uncomfortable saying no, or you said no and you
didn't get the response or reaction you're hoping for, it
doesn't mean you suck at it. It just means or
it doesn't mean that you can't say no. Doesn't mean
(32:36):
that's not part of your personality. It's not.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
It's a skill.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
And then the last two steps are claim your surplus.
Because if you've done pursue your yes, energize your being,
and assert your voice, Guess what, you now have more energy,
more focus, and more time in your life. And so
what we want to do with that fourth step is
make sure that we're claiming that time for you, making
sure that we're claiming that energy for you. What matters
(33:00):
for you. Remember, you're not being selfish, You're investing in
the asset that matters the most, and everyone else is
going to benefit from that investment. So we claim that
turtless and make sure that we're focusing all that extra
energy and time that you now have back on to
yourself so that you continue to grow and show up
in the best way possible in your life.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
Well, and I love that you said that about how
when we make positive changes in our lives, when we
make anything positive in our life, it absolutely trickles down
to other people.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
And we think that if.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
We take care of everybody else, then it's going to
reflect positively on us.
Speaker 2 (33:36):
It is not the case.
Speaker 1 (33:37):
It's absolutely not the case, certainly not from our experience
and certainly not from this conversation. But when I know
that I've made some changes where I'm like nope, people
are like, wow, okay, it's almost like some people in
my world that are closest to me, where I've made
some boundaries with them, they have almost, in their words, said, well,
(33:59):
find almost like they knew that they just have been
taking advantage of me for this entire time. Like it's
such a slippery slope with all of it.
Speaker 3 (34:10):
It is, And what you're saying is true, Like if
you don't claim your yes. If you don't pursue your yes,
someone else will claim your yes. Yeah, because that's human nature,
that's just the world. They're not necessarily being evil, they're
just they're just absorbing a resource that's available. Yeah, because
you've made it available. And yeah, it's it's such a powerful,
(34:30):
powerful thing when we start putting up those boundaries and communicating.
And I love how you said like it has positive
effects on other people. I was terrified to say no
to anything at work at one point in my career,
right I was like double triple booked. I was dragged
into a million projects. I was doing five miles jobs.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Yes, yes, sure, I got it, I got it, I
got it, I'll do it, I'll take care of it.
Speaker 3 (34:48):
And I would not say I didn't say no to
anything ever. And then I got very sick. But what
I learned was when I came back, when I recovered,
and I started saying no, I learned how to say no.
First of all, you know, would you like me to
do or that you are the resources that we have
right now, we can do what you just asked were
in this timeframe, or we could get more resources and
do it faster, Like what would you like to do here,
(35:09):
you know, learning how to have these conversations right. And
what ended up happening was I did not lose my job,
which was my fear. I got promoted, I was given resources,
I was given a team.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
So I was no longer doing five people's jobs. I
had five people to do my job. It was magic.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
It is that that was going to happen.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
Absolutely not, because we think that immediately by us speaking
our voice, there were essentially these weak women that can't
put up with anything, and we're going to lose our
job or lose our spouse or lose our kid or
whatever it is. And by just sticking up for ourselves,
isn't that nuts? What a brain twisted nineteen eighty resituation
(35:49):
we're in.
Speaker 3 (35:51):
And it's good for them, right, because I wasn't doing
five people's jobs well, you.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
Know, five people's jobs well.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
And not sustainable for sure. So when I you know,
when you come back and you're like, here's our options,
here's the best way to do it. Here's a reasonable,
sustainable way to move forward. It's good for the company,
it's good for your boss, it's good for your teammates.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
Bottom line, it's good for the bottom line.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
It's good for your spouse and a big mindset shift
is like going from I'm superwoman, I can do it
all to I'm a leader and it's my job to
empower the people in my life to align under my
vision and then help them to grow into being able
to do it. And I know part of exercay it's
a perfectionist. You don't want to let it go because
(36:35):
they can't do it as well as you. Got to
let that go. Got to let it go because no,
they're not going to do it the same way as you.
They're probably not going to do it as good as you.
It doesn't matter because you're empowering them when they're going
to grow because you are now a leader. And that
applies at work, it applies at home, applies in relationships,
it applies everywhere.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
So what can we do?
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Let's talk about really quick about how you work with
people and what do what your business is all about?
Speaker 3 (37:00):
Absolutely so if any of this is resonating with you,
like if you're like, I'm definitely the people pleaser or
I'm definitely owned over achiever. If any of this landed
and you're like, what do I need to do to
stop the cycle. To break the cycle, you can reach
me at Serene success dot net. So that's a Serene
success dot net and there you can find the resources
that you need. You can grab uspot of my calendar
and we can go deep and figure out what are
(37:22):
the biggest challenges right now in your life and what
you should do next. And then as far as how
I help people, how what the what the structure looks like.
So I've got a it's a combination of group coaching,
so we have the community support and one on one coaching,
and it's set up as an initial three month program
and we go through those those five steps where we
pursue our yes, we energize our being, we assert our voice,
(37:44):
claimer surplus, and then elevate success. And then at the
end of that three months, there's an option to go
on and continue to have support at whatever level that
you want if you need that. That's much few That's
what we do. That's what we do.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
It's really so much. That's it.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
Well, she is beautiful to look at and she's beautiful
to listen to, and I just I'm so grateful for
this conversation. I hope that it resonated with Edny and
all of our listeners. If you were a man and
you are feeling like you need this conversation too, you
can reach out to us as well. You know, we're
not going to throw you guys out of the mix,
(38:21):
but women, yes, we are the queens of burnout. We
are the queens of taking on too much. We are
the queens of perfectionism. We want to do and love
and hold and conquer and succeed in every place that
we're ever in touch with.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
And that is a burden.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
And I am so grateful to have you here today, Hannah.
Thank you for your message to our guests and myself.
I needed to talk to you today as well, so
ended up being a.
Speaker 2 (38:49):
Big win for everybody.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Is there anything else that you'd like to leave our
listeners before we hit the dusty trail here?
Speaker 3 (38:57):
I think, just once again, you are the lynchpin of
your life. Investing in yourself will result in exponential growth
in your relationships and your impact in your career and
your business, so very important. You are not selfish. You
cannot be selfish.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
I love that you cannot be selfish, because man, that
is what people pleasing feels like, is that I am
not that I'm never giving any You're wonderful.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Thank you for this message today. Thanks for being here, Hannah.
Speaker 3 (39:24):
Well, thank you for having me such an honor.
Speaker 1 (39:27):
You got it, babe, You are exclusively invited to share
this stay aligned with your authentic self VIP pain journey together.
Let's get to the heart of how to heal with you.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
By my side. Please follow the Pain Game Podcast.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
Wherever you digest your podcast content, we will be there,
including my sweet little Hannah. Visit us at the Pain
gamepodcast dot com and follow us on all the socials. Baby,
Thanks for listening, my little VIPs. Catch you on the
other side, people,
This is Your Pain Game podcast where we talk about
the game of living in and with chronic pain and
trauma get into the heart of how to heal. I
am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan
on discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, holistic practitioners, loved ones,
and anybody that is interested in having their voice.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Heard in the chronic pain and trauma world that we
live in.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
So, you guys here often on the show that I
am exhausted, I am burned out, and I was doing
pretty well for a couple months where I wasn't letting
my burnout completely overtake me. And the past couple of
months have been crazy, and that I'm exhausted phrase is
far too often used in my life right, and it
(01:01):
is for you guys as well.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
I mean, we all have it.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
It's not just burn out with our jobs, it's not
just burnout with our health.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
It's burnout. It's burnout.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
It's burnout because we are all trying to do so
many things all day long, for everyone, for everything, and
as I always say, I always end up being the
last person on the list. I end up being that
person that is so burnt out that by the end
of the day, I don't even have anything left to
give myself, and I keep saying I'm working on it,
(01:32):
I'm working on it. I'm working on it, and I am.
That is how hard burnout is to deal with. Does
burnout increase our pain levels? Does it increase our s
cortisol levels? Does it increase Does it increase? Absolutely it does.
And that is what we are going to be talking
about today to discuss this and discover where we are
(01:52):
doing some things that we could probably do a little
bit better to ease a little bit of that burn right,
But a lot of that burnout from especially from somebody
like me, comes from the desire to be successful. I
came from a very successful family, both sides, both my
stepfather and my father both very successful. My husband to
be absolutely successful. I have been and it has been.
(02:14):
But for me as a woman, it's always been success achievement.
That is all that fueled me. And my health took
a back burner to that. So when you get that
grit and that fire to continue to be successful, within
that place comes people pleasing, and people pleasing is my
biggest quite frankly, it is absolutely my biggest fault as
(02:38):
a human being is people pleasing, which sounds counterintuitive, but
it is. And this people pleasing has led to burnout
for me like no other, and it has led to
my health issues, it has led to relationship stressors, it's
led to work stress right, and like I said in
the beginning, it's not just about your job. It is
about your children, it's about your nieces and nephews, it's
(03:00):
about your spouse's, your family, your politics, your health, you
name it. We're burnt out and we're burnt out and
that can cause resentment. So let's talk about it today.
What is burnout, what are the symptoms of it, what
are the difference between boundaries and balance, and most importantly,
what can we do to get that flame fired up
(03:21):
again instead of it burning us to the ground. So
I have got an amazing guest, Anna Techt, Hello, Darling.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
Hello, I'm so happy to be here. I'm so excited
to talk about this because I know that there are
so many high GIENA women, women that are driven to success,
who don't even realize that they're on the path to
burnout until they hit that wall.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, and I mean you used to be in technology
and leader and you were like to in corporate American
all of that, and I get it from being in
technology myself. That burnout is so real, especially when we're
women and guys. It's not that we don't care about you,
because we do, but we take on so much more
than you guys do, and you don't even understand it.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
And it's not as slamming you, but it is not
as slamming you.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
So you are now dedicating yourself to coaching against burnout.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Yes, yes, I am.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
That is insane.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
So I'm relling out the red carpet for you, babe,
And I'd like to start talking about what started your
I'd like to say suffocation of burnout and let's take
it from there.
Speaker 3 (04:25):
Sure. So this came about obviously, maybe not obviously, but
out of my own burnout experience. And the thing that
I experienced in my life is I've burned out more
than once. I have managed to burn out in every career.
I've burned out as a student. I made my I
work myself until I'm sick and passed out. That is
like the way I go about life. And the last
(04:45):
time I burnt out, it scared me. It was twenty
seventeen I had two babies to take care of. I
had this amazing career that I put a lot into
making happen for myself, and this marriage, and like I
just had so much on the lah on the line,
Like I had this beautiful life, but I had built
and I was not showing up for it. I was
not showing up for anything. I was literally in bed
(05:07):
and I couldn't get up, and I didn't know why.
You know, I went to the doctors. They ran all
the test and they just came back and said, there's
nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. And I'm like,
but there is, obviously, I can't get up. And so
what I realized in that moment was I.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
Was just fry.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
I pushed myself too hard for too long, and I
needed to change. I need to change how I show
up in the world. And so that was like a
tipping point for me, when I couldn't show up for
my own life, when I was afraid that I was
going to fail as a mom, I was going to
lose my job, my marriage is going to crumble. Because
I was destroyed. I had nothing left to give, and
(05:44):
so I made a decision that I was prioritizing my recovery.
I was going to end the burnout. I was going
to make sure it never happened again. And it was
my commitment to ending the burnout and then making sure
it never happened again that set me on this path
where now I'm working with other professional women, other women
who are driven by success, who are struggling with burnout,
and or who burn out on a habitual basis, you know,
(06:07):
like we're I realized, you know what I did stealing
working myself, and I became a coach, and I studied
all of these things and I got these certifications, but
I was still working in tact, going to conferences, meeting
all these women, talking all these people, and I'm like, oh,
this is not just a me thing. So many of
the women I was talking to were also burnt out,
They were fried, they were struggling, Like I need to help.
(06:28):
I need to set up a system that can help
people and the burnout and make sure it never happens again,
Like way faster than it took me, because you know,
let's accelerate that healing, you know, so you're not spending
years wandering through hundreds of books. I talked to like
every kind of professionally you can imagine, you know, chirofactors, acupuncturist, doctors,
every kind of specialists you can think of to find
(06:50):
my way there. And I was like, I can just
really condense this and get a predictable, repeatable system in
place to help women get unstuck.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Yeah, And I think that the getting stuck part of
it is where I have had to be challenged in
my world to be like, I've always been high performing.
I've always been the woman that's like, hear me, rore
got it, I.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Got it, I got it, don't worry about it. I'll
take care of it. I'll pay for it.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
And I don't even know where that came from outside
of as I've gone through actually doing this show. Is
I had no idea how much people pleasing was part
of the burnout and why that happens to women in particular,
where we're faced with all of these adversities, and we've
(07:37):
got kids and nieces and nephews and all of these
people that are coming and going, and we're doing all
the things trying to run our business. We're trying to
be successful. We're trying, and we're trying, and we're trying
and we're trying it. It just it feels so endless. It
feels so endless, and so why do we do this?
Why do we do this? Especially women? And I'm sorry
(07:59):
guys again, I'm say we're not putting you out there,
but this is definitely a woman saying big time, and
we're also going to kind of blame you.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
So there are men obviously that burnout. There are men
that are people pleasers. So however, women are reporting burnout
on a much higher level. So yeah, so let's dive
into that. So I love the bringing of the people
pleasing because what you don't hear talked about when people
are talking about burnout is the five to six or
I think like the four success traps, and these are
(08:29):
the people pleasing and that's where you know, you're trying
to hear your boss happy, your kids happy, your spouse happy,
and your needs are inevitably last on the list on
the bottom. And part of that people pleasing tend there
tends to be, you know, a fear of saying no.
And the second success trap is perfectionism. So we've all
heard people talking about their perfectionism and its relationship to burnout.
(08:51):
So you know, having impossibly high standards, high attention to detail.
Something I want to call out about these success traps
is that their flip sides of a coin. Right, So
these are the behaviors that have likely driven you to success.
So they've been working for you in so many ways
in your life, which is why you keep doing them. Right.
So on one side, people pleasing and a fear of
saying no. You are making other people happy and you
(09:13):
are probably getting rewarded for that by being given more work.
If you have high standards, that's a great thing. It's
a wonderful thing to have attention to detail, the high standards.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Right.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
What's different about these success traps, though, is when the
drivers to success and it's like they cross a line.
They've gone too far, and they start to drive us
to burn out. And I believe that happens when our behaviors,
these success traps are rooted in fear. And the fears
that I've seen come up a lot in working with
women is people call it the imposter syndrome, but it's
(09:46):
really the fear of nothing worthy. And so a lot
of women they are showing up and they're proving themselves,
and these are highly qualified women. In leadership. They are
more than qualified for the job, right, but they're showing
up every day like they have to prove themselves. It's
like they're brand new and they pushing and they push
and they push, and they feel they always had to
be on, they always had to be responsive. And at
the root of that is a fear of you know,
(10:08):
nothing worthy. I fear of not being accepted right. And
so those are the what I find is like when
these success traps, when they go from driving you to
success and they cross the line and to burnout, they're
usually rooted in fear. So we've got the people pleasing
that fear of saying no perfectionism. There's also the overextending behavior.
(10:29):
There're a success trap, and that's where whenever you are
helping everyone around you, So your team needs help, your
children need help, your husband needs help, everyone needs help,
so you are picking up the problems and responsibilities of others.
And then the fourth success trap is overachieving. And I
am a big guilty one on this and that's just
it's almost like an addiction to being busy. And so
(10:50):
that's where we feel like, if to be worthy, we
need to be busy, right, So if we're not double
booked all day long, then we're not worthy, We're not
in and not valued. So we make sure that we're
busy all of the time so that being worthy. So
those are the five success traps that books out of
the coin right, they can drive us to success, out
(11:10):
of balance when rooted and fear, they drive.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Us to burn out. Yeah, and you know I say
this often on the show.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
My father has always said, lindsay, the most wonderful things
about you are the worst things about you. And I
say it all the time just in my general life.
Like I'm like, because it's true, I am overproductive, over perfectionist,
and those things do. They do me very very well
(11:37):
in some places, but they also take me into you know,
Dante's inferno on the other side, because I am trying
to do all of these things for other people that
are not interested in me helping them, but I want
to help them.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
I want to help them.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
I'm like, I am watching you completely destroy your life
and I'm here to help, help, help, help, help, and
all it does is actually drag me down when people
that I'm trying to help don't even give a shit
about where I'm trying to help them. And so that
people pleasing inside of me has been a very interesting
(12:16):
challenge over the past couple of years as I've learning
about what that actually means, because it almost turns itself
around to me almost being selfish because I want to
take care of everybody else. And is it because I
want to make sure that everybody else is taken care
of and I get a pat on my back? Or
(12:39):
is it because I actually love and care for these
people and really want them to get their shit together?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
There is this like weird, like Teeter.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Totter that I'm going on right now, in particular in
a certain situation in my sweetie and nice life, that
I am doubting anything that I've ever done to help
and support everybody that I always have. But that comes
from this fear. So where is fear coming from?
Speaker 3 (13:10):
So the fear is going to come from? Like I said,
there's so many ways, right, We can so many ways
that we can pick up a fear of mindset in
our lives. And it can range from having super critical parents.
It can range from fearing of disapproval from said parents
if they have really really high expectations. It can come
from being rejected maybe having experiencing a job loss or
seeing all of your colleagues around you laid off. It
(13:33):
can come from growing up in an environment where there
wasn't enough. It can also come out of trauma almost
and so that the house are endless. How we got
there is endless like the other. There's so many ways
that we can end up with a fear mindset. The key, though,
is to change the mindset. Yes, so we got there somehow,
(13:56):
somehow We've got these beliefs. Somehow we have these feelings
and this understanding of the world around us that we
feel like we have to prove ourselves. We feel like
we have to maintain a certain standard, We feel like
we have to help everyone around us. So what do
we do? This is not It sounds simple to change,
but it is not easy to change. And I know
this firsthand. There's this this key to ending burnout that
(14:17):
I don't hear people talking about. So I always want
to call it like a secret key. There's a secret
key to ending burnout, just because I don't hear it
being discussed. And that is authenticity. And I know that
sounds really rude. You're like, what does that even mean?
And why would it? Why would it have any impact
on burnout. And so stepping into authenticity, what that really
does for us is it when we step into alignment
(14:39):
with our values, right, we prioritize and align your actions
with your core values and beliefs, and that will reduce
the internal conflict, a dissonance, that resonant that you mentioned
resentment earlier. It will reduce that resentment, that resistance inside
that is draining you. Right, So being in align with
your values super important. It'll reduce emotional exhaustion because authenticity
(15:04):
involves us being true to ourselves and expressing our thoughts, beliefs,
and needs honestly. And that openness and that honesty can
reduce the emotional exhaustion by fostering genuine connections with others.
And also by being authentic, we become more self aware,
and that self awareness leads us to understand our strengths,
our limitations, and where our boundaries need to be. And
(15:28):
that awareness kind of allows us at realistic expectations for
ourselves and you know, reduce the likelihood of overcommitment that
can lead to burnout. So there are some really big
pieces that stepping into authenticity by you know, using that
key to unlock burnout that can can shift us away
from the burnout cycle. But that I know that that
stuff sounds kind of like, how right? How do these things?
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Yeah, for sure, because I mean everybody that's listening is
going like every single thing in their brain is swirling
ourn So everybody, just listen to your brain swirling around
for just a hot second, okay, because that is where
we all kind of feel like. This is almost like
we feel like we're out of control to a certain extent,
(16:16):
even though we are people and I'm speaking to people
that are incredible people pleasers. I am a person that
wants to have complete control of my environment all of
the time, and unfortunately, the world around me is out
of control. So I am trying to control a world
(16:39):
that I have no control over. And that's something that
I've been dealing with since I was a very very
very little girl. I think I've been burned out since
I was nine. I mean, I'm not even kidding, And
I know that that stems from childhood trauma to a
certain extent, and I know that I've been identifying things
throughout my life that have led towards this this burnout
(17:05):
because I was burnout when I was like in junior high,
I was already burnout and motherfucker, you know, like I
was already there. And now I'm forty six and I'm
still doing the same things and still trying to fight
for the same things that I did when I was
a young girl.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
And I do that through my business. I do that
through success.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
I deal with it through making money, being successful, doing
this show, doing this, doing doing doing doing doing that
is how I have treated my trauma. So we got
to talk about that, baby.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Absolutely, absolutely so, yes. So I subscribed to some of
the same kind of mindset like traps is I if
I make enough money, I will be safe, can't be
harmed if I have enough money. So I need to
really successful work and you can be safe without making
a lot of money. I did. I have learned this,
and although I'm still not willing to not make a
(18:07):
lot of money, however, I'm not willing to injure myself.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
I do not want to live on a tent, but
this side of the river, no, I don't want that.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
Yes, but I think what you're saying is like, okay,
so we want the success. Absolutely, Like there's a reason
I name my company Serene Success because I love success.
I want the success, I want the money, I want
the comfort, I want the security.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
And success can be defined however, your success, right, yes, yes,
so I.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Mean that that also involves having healthy relationships. That also
involves having a healthy body. So we define what success means.
But then there's a serene aspect, right, so success and
be able to be present to enjoy it. And so
so you know, I've got this five step method I
called the Peace method, and they sound simple, sometimes harder
(18:58):
in execution, but this there's pretty simple. That the first
one is to pursue your yes, and that's where we
kind of ditch all the shoulds. So I know that
in my life, I've picked up a lot of expectations
like you know, my parent my parents wanted to adopt
be a doctor, and or you know, in the world
of tech, there's you know, certain expectations that your career
will go a certain way, or you know, you want
(19:19):
to be successful, you succeed like this person or and
I know a lot of my clients, like you know,
I have one plan that's a first generation right, so
their parents loaded on lots and lots of lots of expectations.
It's like, okay, I got to be a doctor, I
got to be perfect all times, got to make enough
money to support myself, and you know, the folks back
home and like just piling and piling and piling up
all these expectations from all over the place. And so
(19:41):
what we need to do is like peel back the
onion and figure out yet clarity on what matters to
you now in this season of life. Because also what
I see people doing is marching to the beat of
a drum that they set back seven years ago. So
in different seasons of life, in different phases, we have
different you know, aspects of our of our purpose coming
(20:02):
into play. Right, So tuning in to what matters to
us now in this season of life, letting go the shoulds,
and then actively pursuing what we're saying yes to. Simple
solution to stop saying yes to everything is to get
really clear on what your big yes is, Like what
matters to you? Not what are you asked to do,
not what is coming your way, but like what is
(20:23):
the one thing that matters to you. We're like the
top couple of things that are in alignment with your
core values, that are in alignment with what matters to you, Right,
now this season of life and what does that yes
look like? And when you get really crystal clear on that,
it becomes easier to say no to the things that
aren't going to move that forward. Because everything you say
(20:44):
yes to is a no to something else. So if
we're not intentional strategic with our yeses, we may not
end up we want to go. We may not end
up anywhere other than exhausted. So yes, So getting really
really intentional and aware of what we're saying yes to.
And then the second and stuff is I call it
energized your being. And this is where we you know,
(21:05):
we reset your nervous system, we release trauma and start
taking care of our own selves. Right, so we are
eating for energy, improving our sleep, connecting with loved ones,
joyful movement, these basics basic human care that myself and
all the women i've I've worked with and talked to
(21:25):
put at the bottom of the list, right.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
Bottom bottom of thought.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
And then we get sick.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Yeah, we don't know why, and I know why.
Speaker 3 (21:34):
Now we know why.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
We don't know why. Now that's insane. We know now why.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
We know now why, so there are no excuses anymore.
We know now and that and I am speaking to
myself when I say this. I know all of this.
I know this now, especially by doing this show. My God,
the things I've learned about the the places that I've
held The body keeps the score, right, I use it
(22:00):
all the time on this show. Body keeps a score
all of these places that all of this stuff has
sat in and I've not having a conversation with and said,
you know what, it's okay for you to go now.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
It's okay for you to release that. Now. This was
something that happened in your nine.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
This was thirteen, this was seventeen, this was twenty one,
this was twenty four, this was twenty seven.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Go up the ladder.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
It's about time for me to relinquish the control that
that stuff has held on me and my health.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
It's time to say goodbye.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Right.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
And also, like the I think part of it is
also Haavy compassion.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Right.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
So for those of you who are listening right now
and you're like, I'm a people pleaser, I'm a perfectionist.
I'm going to beat myself up now. I put my
health last.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
I'm so tiful consented here.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Yeah, yeah, So don't beat yourself up if you're doing
all of these things, right, super common observe with curiosity.
You're like, oh, I just deprioritize my workout again because
I think that I'm going to have more time if
I sit down and crank through this work that I've
set for myself to do. You know, there's there's ways
that we sabotage ourselves and sabotage as a part of
(23:06):
the process. So so yeah, so we want to energize ourself.
And one of the big mines that shifts is to
realize that you are the most critical asset in your business,
in your career, in your relationships, in your life, and
you require maintenance. So investing in yourself is necessary. It's
(23:31):
a requirement for all of these sort of things that
you think that you need to do. So you've got
to put yourself first. We all know this, you know,
we've heard it before. I can't We're have an empty cup.
But the way that I shifted it because I like,
I'm a very responsible person, right, I like to get
things done. If I think of myself as an asset,
if I think of myself as a resource that has
to be managed in order to do X Y and
(23:53):
Z and x y and Z, matter to me that
I have to take care of this resource because this
resource can't fund if I don't. And so that's how
we get into the prioritizing of self, and it's really
done a number on our minds where we think that
it's wrong to take care of ourselves and noble to suffer.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
It is not.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
It is not noble to be a martyr. You are
the most important as asset in your life. Invest in
yourself and you will see exponential impacts on the areas
of your life. Do you care about your relationships will improve,
your business will improve, your career will grow. Like the
things that you want to happen, that you're slaving away,
stressing and striving and pushing for will start to happen
(24:35):
for you when you put yourself first and you start
investing in the one resource that matters, which is you.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
There are so many people that needed to hear what
you just said. I am one of them. I have
fallen into every single one of the traps my whole
entire life. I've always been that person that puts everybody
ahead of myself, which is this. I come from a
religious background. I'm not religious at all anymore, but it
came from this like you've got to get give of
(25:00):
yourself to everybody else. And it may sound beautiful, but
I feel like the message should have been, take care
of your soul, your heart, your spirit, you're this you, you.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Before you can take care of other people.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Because if we are not strong enough to take care
of our own self, how are we going to be
better for anybody else?
Speaker 2 (25:28):
And I have learned that the.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Hard way, and one hundred percent it is why I
am ill, not even ninety nine percent. It is one
hundred percent why I ended up not having but starting
this show was because I learned very quickly how important
(25:50):
these conversations are and they're not being had and they
need to be had. And I'm grateful for you to
have this with me today because this has cut your time.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
I mean, is just like stupid good.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
But I'm glad I am people pleasing again like a motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
And I am angry with myself because I was doing
so good.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
I have been applying so many wonderful things, and then
I jumped right back into my people pleasing trap. So
I'm right back into it and now I am clawing
my way out of it. Yeah, and other people are
doing the same thing, and it's okay, guys, it's ok
it's okay, it's okay.
Speaker 3 (26:33):
It's a part of the process. Yeah, and I love that,
you know, we have this forum to talk because the
women who struggle, who have a habit of burning out,
like you, like me, like the women I work with,
like the women who have a habit of it. Right,
we're on oh rest cycle. We're doing this on raps yep.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
Yeah, yeah, this is a one off.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
Yeah. The women who are struggling with the success traps,
the people pleasing, the overachieving, the over extending and helping,
the fear of saying no. All of that's these women
who've been trained their whole lives to be selfless, are
so afraid that being selfish by putting themselves first, by
doing basic self care like eating their lunch, like going
(27:13):
for a walk, you know basic.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Right, we're even doing like feed our body and exercise.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
Yeah, the silly stuff that we should be doing, but
we're not doing it because we're so afraid of being selfish.
Here is the message. You couldn't be selfish if you tried.
Those of us who are wired this way, those of
us with this kind of a relationship with showing up
in the world. It is darn near impossible to be selfish.
You're so far on the other end of the spectrum
that you trying to be selfish is just going to
(27:41):
get you a little bit closer to the middle. So
don't worry about the selfishness you're not You're not selfish.
And so I love that you're saying, like, Okay, there's
these things, these habits that we have. And I loved
thinking about it, like hait right, because one of the
things that I do with women is like, you have
to set up conditions for a notable success because we
are changing behavior yours and as an adult, any kind
(28:03):
of change, any kind of learning, right, We're going to
learn something new. We're going to learn a new way
to show up in the world, a new way to
interact with working, have a new relationship with work. Anything
new like that will trigger babotage, right, because anything new,
any new learning as an adult is essentially change in
(28:23):
our cretit brain. And there's so many ways to refer
to that thing. The cretit brain the part of our
the part of our brain that is there to keep
us safe. It wants things to stay the same, because
the same is familiar, the same is safe. It's been
working for you so far. You're still alive, right, And
so it'll flare up and you know, drag you back
into old behaviors or come up with excuses like well,
(28:47):
I'll just go for a walk later because I'll have
so much more time after I finish this really big
project that's on my mind.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Well, it also shows up in our body.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
It does, yes, And so yeah, that's where the sicknesses
come in. I don't know if I had have it
getting sick. I don't any more thinking, but yeah, we
get sick all the time. And that was another way
of my body just kind of like just stopping.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Yeah, your body, your body keeps the score. We've talked
about it all the time on the show, the book,
We know about it.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
It is straight up.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Our bodies are affected by everything we do, everything we eat,
the movies, we watch, the people we are hanging around,
our families, that we have no control over, our ancestry,
I mean all of it, guys.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
It's a lot. It's a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
And until you start paying attention to the things that
actually matter and not focus on the things that don't
that outside influence that's always penetrating us if we don't
just like get in and go, okay, yeah, this is
really messing my entire life up.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
And then you go back down and you go.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
This is the reason, this is the reason that I
am this upset. And it's like sometimes it's mediocre at best,
like it's the smallest thing, but that all these people
and all these things all climb on top of it
and they make it larger than it should be, and
then us people pleasers, add more to it on top
(30:16):
of it because oh my gosh, this is going to
be the end of the world and we've got to
make sure everything is okay. And like, I can't even
begin to explain how many like school lunches I'm making
for children that I don't even know in my brain.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
I'm making. I'm a lunch lady, Hannah, I'm a lunch lady. Goodness,
maybe it's food for kids. I don't have.
Speaker 3 (30:42):
So much work that you don't need to do. And
I think also like I know when we're when we're
taking on projects or like if we're incorporate, you're you're
familiar with like the whole rules and responsibilities. So another
way to structure this in our brain is like, what
are we really responsible for? What do we have ownership of?
Speaker 2 (30:58):
Yeah, the only thing.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
You're responsible for is you at the end of the day,
at the end of your life. The only thing you're
responsible for is you and the outcomes that you've created
in your life. So realizing that, it kind of becomes
a lot easier to let other people go and fail.
Just let them, let them, that's okay, and it's good
for them.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
I love you today, I love you hand them today.
I needed this message today because I never put myself first,
and I continue to say, oh no, I got it,
I got it, I'm doing it, I'm doing the thing,
and then I fall straight back into it. And I
needed this message today because I have to. I have
to boundary.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Some of the fuckers.
Speaker 3 (31:40):
Today talking about boundaries. So step three in the piece method,
just the system to end burn out right and make
sure it doesn't come back, is to assert your voice. Yeah,
And so that's where we learn how to ask for
what we want and get it. And that's also how
we learn where we learned how to say no right
and getting confidence and pctice because say no is a skill.
(32:03):
So just because you feel afraid of doing it. Yeah, yes,
saying no, and you may not have developed the skill.
I did not develop the skill of saying no until
I was in my late thirties.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
I'm working on it and I'm forty six.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
Right, So it's realizing that it's a skill that you
can learn, you can practice, and you can develop, just
like anything else. Just like anything else. So just because
you're uncomfortable saying no, or you said no and you
didn't get the response or reaction you're hoping for, it
doesn't mean you suck at it. It just means or
it doesn't mean that you can't say no. Doesn't mean
(32:36):
that's not part of your personality. It's not.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
It's a skill.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
And then the last two steps are claim your surplus.
Because if you've done pursue your yes, energize your being,
and assert your voice, Guess what, you now have more energy,
more focus, and more time in your life. And so
what we want to do with that fourth step is
make sure that we're claiming that time for you, making
sure that we're claiming that energy for you. What matters
(33:00):
for you. Remember, you're not being selfish, You're investing in
the asset that matters the most, and everyone else is
going to benefit from that investment. So we claim that
turtless and make sure that we're focusing all that extra
energy and time that you now have back on to
yourself so that you continue to grow and show up
in the best way possible in your life.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
Well, and I love that you said that about how
when we make positive changes in our lives, when we
make anything positive in our life, it absolutely trickles down
to other people.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
And we think that if.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
We take care of everybody else, then it's going to
reflect positively on us.
Speaker 2 (33:36):
It is not the case.
Speaker 1 (33:37):
It's absolutely not the case, certainly not from our experience
and certainly not from this conversation. But when I know
that I've made some changes where I'm like nope, people
are like, wow, okay, it's almost like some people in
my world that are closest to me, where I've made
some boundaries with them, they have almost, in their words, said, well,
(33:59):
find almost like they knew that they just have been
taking advantage of me for this entire time. Like it's
such a slippery slope with all of it.
Speaker 3 (34:10):
It is, And what you're saying is true, Like if
you don't claim your yes. If you don't pursue your yes,
someone else will claim your yes. Yeah, because that's human nature,
that's just the world. They're not necessarily being evil, they're
just they're just absorbing a resource that's available. Yeah, because
you've made it available. And yeah, it's it's such a powerful,
(34:30):
powerful thing when we start putting up those boundaries and communicating.
And I love how you said like it has positive
effects on other people. I was terrified to say no
to anything at work at one point in my career,
right I was like double triple booked. I was dragged
into a million projects. I was doing five miles jobs.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Yes, yes, sure, I got it, I got it, I
got it, I'll do it, I'll take care of it.
Speaker 3 (34:48):
And I would not say I didn't say no to
anything ever. And then I got very sick. But what
I learned was when I came back, when I recovered,
and I started saying no, I learned how to say no.
First of all, you know, would you like me to
do or that you are the resources that we have
right now, we can do what you just asked were
in this timeframe, or we could get more resources and
do it faster, Like what would you like to do here,
(35:09):
you know, learning how to have these conversations right. And
what ended up happening was I did not lose my job,
which was my fear. I got promoted, I was given resources,
I was given a team.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
So I was no longer doing five people's jobs. I
had five people to do my job. It was magic.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
It is that that was going to happen.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
Absolutely not, because we think that immediately by us speaking
our voice, there were essentially these weak women that can't
put up with anything, and we're going to lose our
job or lose our spouse or lose our kid or
whatever it is. And by just sticking up for ourselves,
isn't that nuts? What a brain twisted nineteen eighty resituation
(35:49):
we're in.
Speaker 3 (35:51):
And it's good for them, right, because I wasn't doing
five people's jobs well, you.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
Know, five people's jobs well.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
And not sustainable for sure. So when I you know,
when you come back and you're like, here's our options,
here's the best way to do it. Here's a reasonable,
sustainable way to move forward. It's good for the company,
it's good for your boss, it's good for your teammates.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
Bottom line, it's good for the bottom line.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
It's good for your spouse and a big mindset shift
is like going from I'm superwoman, I can do it
all to I'm a leader and it's my job to
empower the people in my life to align under my
vision and then help them to grow into being able
to do it. And I know part of exercay it's
a perfectionist. You don't want to let it go because
(36:35):
they can't do it as well as you. Got to
let that go. Got to let it go because no,
they're not going to do it the same way as you.
They're probably not going to do it as good as you.
It doesn't matter because you're empowering them when they're going
to grow because you are now a leader. And that
applies at work, it applies at home, applies in relationships,
it applies everywhere.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
So what can we do?
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Let's talk about really quick about how you work with
people and what do what your business is all about?
Speaker 3 (37:00):
Absolutely so if any of this is resonating with you,
like if you're like, I'm definitely the people pleaser or
I'm definitely owned over achiever. If any of this landed
and you're like, what do I need to do to
stop the cycle. To break the cycle, you can reach
me at Serene success dot net. So that's a Serene
success dot net and there you can find the resources
that you need. You can grab uspot of my calendar
and we can go deep and figure out what are
(37:22):
the biggest challenges right now in your life and what
you should do next. And then as far as how
I help people, how what the what the structure looks like.
So I've got a it's a combination of group coaching,
so we have the community support and one on one coaching,
and it's set up as an initial three month program
and we go through those those five steps where we
pursue our yes, we energize our being, we assert our voice,
(37:44):
claimer surplus, and then elevate success. And then at the
end of that three months, there's an option to go
on and continue to have support at whatever level that
you want if you need that. That's much few That's
what we do. That's what we do.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
It's really so much. That's it.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
Well, she is beautiful to look at and she's beautiful
to listen to, and I just I'm so grateful for
this conversation. I hope that it resonated with Edny and
all of our listeners. If you were a man and
you are feeling like you need this conversation too, you
can reach out to us as well. You know, we're
not going to throw you guys out of the mix,
(38:21):
but women, yes, we are the queens of burnout. We
are the queens of taking on too much. We are
the queens of perfectionism. We want to do and love
and hold and conquer and succeed in every place that
we're ever in touch with.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
And that is a burden.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
And I am so grateful to have you here today, Hannah.
Thank you for your message to our guests and myself.
I needed to talk to you today as well, so
ended up being a.
Speaker 2 (38:49):
Big win for everybody.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Is there anything else that you'd like to leave our
listeners before we hit the dusty trail here?
Speaker 3 (38:57):
I think, just once again, you are the lynchpin of
your life. Investing in yourself will result in exponential growth
in your relationships and your impact in your career and
your business, so very important. You are not selfish. You
cannot be selfish.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
I love that you cannot be selfish, because man, that
is what people pleasing feels like, is that I am
not that I'm never giving any You're wonderful.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Thank you for this message today. Thanks for being here, Hannah.
Speaker 3 (39:24):
Well, thank you for having me such an honor.
Speaker 1 (39:27):
You got it, babe, You are exclusively invited to share
this stay aligned with your authentic self VIP pain journey together.
Let's get to the heart of how to heal with you.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
By my side. Please follow the Pain Game Podcast.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
Wherever you digest your podcast content, we will be there,
including my sweet little Hannah. Visit us at the Pain
gamepodcast dot com and follow us on all the socials. Baby,
Thanks for listening, my little VIPs. Catch you on the
other side, people,
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