Understanding The Many Faces of CRPS

Step into the raw and unfiltered world of chronic pain and resilience with this compelling episode of The Pain Game Podcast. Your host, Lyndsay Soprano, dives deep into the complexities of living with chronic pain and trauma, sharing her personal journey and the relentless pursuit of finding purpose amidst suffering. This episode features a heartfelt conversation with Audrey Marie, an author, anti-trafficking advocate, and fellow CRPS warrior, who brings her unique perspective on managing pain and trauma while striving for empowerment and healing.

Audrey's story is one of unimaginable pain, beginning with a mysterious lump in her armpit at the age of 17 that led to multiple surgeries and a life-altering diagnosis of CRPS. Together, Lyndsay and Audrey explore the emotional and physical toll of chronic pain, the importance of mindset, and the power of pushing through adversity. They also discuss practical pain management strategies, the significance of pacing, and the delicate balance between seeking help and maintaining independence.

Join us for an episode that promises to inspire, educate, and remind you that even in the darkest times, there is hope and the possibility of a brighter future.

Find Audrey Marie Here:

Instagram: @chronically_unstoppable 
Website: Chronically Unstoppable

Episode Highlights:

(00:00) This is your pain game podcast about living with chronic pain and trauma
(02:15) Introduction to Audrey Marie and her journey with CRPS
(06:48) Audrey's early experiences with pain and the initial surgeries
(15:30) The emotional and physical toll of living with an open wound for a year
(22:05) The moment Audrey realized something was seriously wrong
(28:20) The struggle of getting a proper diagnosis and the endless tests
(35:10) The importance of mindset in managing chronic pain
(40:55) Practical pain management strategies and the significance of pacing
(47:30) The role of supportive relationships in the journey of chronic pain
(53:20) Audrey's work in anti-trafficking and her passion for advocacy
(57:45) The process of writing her memoir, "Chronically Unstoppable"
(01:03:15) The importance of grieving lost abilities and finding new passions
(01:10:00) Final thoughts and words of encouragement for listeners

Episode Transcript

(00:03):
This is Your Pain Game podcast wherewe talk about the game of living in
and with chronic pain and trauma,getting to the heart of how to heal.
I am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan
on discussing with doctors, chronic painpatients, holistic practitioners, loved ones,
and anybody that is interested in havingtheir voice heard. In the chronic pain

(00:27):
and trauma world that we live in. There are many faces to see RPS,
and every face that I meet whohas CRPS, like myself, has
stains of tears on their cheeks becausethis horrific disease is incredibly painful and debilitating

(00:55):
as it manifests itself right, andyou know, each person manifests theirs or
of course any other painful disease orcancers, whatever, anything that happens to
us, any trauma, we manifestit differently. Everybody is everybody. I
say that all the time on theshow. Every person is different, and
we cannot judge one other person fromanother based on how we are perceiving our

(01:17):
pain or how we've experienced pain.And as you guys know, those that
have been listening for a couple ofyears, I am almost eight years into
this diagnosis of mine, and Iam living proof that you can push through
pain by changing your mindset. Andthat has been a struggle recently with me.
As you guys have listened, I'vebeen really challenged with my mindset and
I've gotten some boosts back again,and Lindsay's feeling like she's back in town,

(01:41):
you know, because some of thosedays it's a bit to push through
the most challenging thing that I havebeen faced with in my life. And
I have been faced with so muchstuff. But what's the alternative? What
is the alternative to us pushing throughpain? I know what it is because
I've been in those dark and twistyplaces and it is not pretty, and
so we will not go there onthe show. We'll talk about it,

(02:02):
though, but we won't let anyof us go there. So today I'd
like to talk about how we canbreak through this gut wrenching pain that we
live in when we're suffering, andhow we can give our pain purpose.
That is what I am here for, to give my pain purpose and to
give your pain purpose as well.So, without further ado, i'd like
to introduce you to my guest today, Audrey Marie who also suffers from CRPS

(02:29):
medical PTSD. We're going to getinto this and FNSD also going to get
into that. Audrey. It isamazing to have you here. It took
us a while to get our schedules, our CRPS bodies together, to get
this put together. We made it. We made Audrey is an author,
an anti trafficking advocate has a passionfor helping those who have experienced trauma.

(02:53):
She is working towards her Masters inHomeland Security and Emergency Preparedness to gain more
knowledge in mitigating crises, to helpprotect and educate, and most importantly advocate.
At the age of seventeen, arelentless and excruciating pain struck Audrey.
Her world was suddenly turned upside downby the invasion of a really gross lump

(03:15):
in her armpit. That's the pits. I couldn't help it, couldn't sulp
myself. Surgery after surgery was justthe beginning of what she was going to
face for the rest of her life, a life in pain. And that
is a hard thing to accept andit's something that I've had to accept as
well in my world. She's writtena book, her debut memoir Chronically unstoppable.

(03:36):
How my life went from fight orflight to free and it is a
true life journey of strength and painand revitalized hope. And you know,
we always talk about hope on thisshow, and we'll get into that a
bit later. So I am rollingout the red carpet for you, babe,
and I'd like to start talking aboutwhat happened to you with this,
the pits, the invasion of pain, and what led up to that,

(03:59):
and let's kind of take it fromthere. Thank you so much for everything
that you said for that. Youknow, when I was in high school,
I started doing theater and I lovedit. I fell in love with
acting, and you know the amountof friends that I made all of that.
Something that's a little bit tricky isthat when it comes to acting and
doing theater, you're in these heaviercostumes, especially high school theater, right,

(04:21):
because a lot of these costumes arefrom some goodwill or something, and
so they're these thick costumes, right. And I was wearing these costumes with
the stage lights kind of coming downon me and that causes a lot of
sweat just naturally, and you're alsoperforming, right. What happened was I

(04:42):
started to develop this lump literally onmy armpit. It started super small,
and then with each you know,dress rehearsal, each show, it was
getting bigger and bigger. I kindof decided to just ignore it and to
kind of do my life, right, I'm about sixteen seventeen at this point.
Nothing's gonna stop me, you know, I'm living my life. And

(05:05):
after my final show, I wentto go and check it in the mirror,
and I realized it opened, andit was just this huge opening,
incredibly painful, incredibly painful. Andthat's kind of when I, you know,
brought it to my mom and Ishowed her, and she had this
sudden kind of concern on her facethat you know, Mom's trying not to

(05:29):
show, right, but us kidscan kind of also see it the level
of concern that we see. Yeah, but if they think they're hiding their
feelings from us a little bit moreus exactly exactly. So then that's when
I went to the doctor and theyrecommended surgery under my armpit, and so

(05:49):
it was kind of this moment ofwhat does that mean. I had never
had surgery before. I was anoverall really healthy kid, uh, And
I was absolutely utterly terrified I wentto the hospital and for surgery, and
they noticed that there was a lumpunder my left arm, and they were

(06:10):
like, you know what, we'rejust we're already going in there, let's
just go in the other arm aswell and take that out. Of course,
you know, naturally to them that'sso simple and easy. But it
was kind of the worst decision ofmy life. Having listened to them,
and you know, not ask manyquestions. I was young, I didn't

(06:30):
know too too much. I wentin for surgery and I came out and
they said it looked great. Theonly tricky thing with armpits, right,
is that you can't stitch an armpit up, so you have to leave
it open. And that's something evenafter surgery that's insane. So they like
they open up your armpit and theyjust leave it open, like what are

(06:53):
your arms above your head? Likefor like the rest of your life.
What the hell? This is insane? Exactly exactly. It was kind of
this you know, moment of yeah, what the hell's going on here?
Oh? Impossible? And you know, I didn't know very much. I'm
high, coming off of you know, sedation. My mom's in there listening
to everything, and I remember hearingsomething about oh, aftercare, and I

(07:16):
just kind of ignored it because youknow, I knew surgery came with after
care, so I just kind of, you know, pretended it wasn't there.
My key useful thing not useful asavoidance. So I'm just kind of
avoiding it all and I don't reallyam not worried about it. And the
next day rolls around and I'm sittingon my mattress in the living room and
my mom comes down and she says, Audrey, would you you know you're

(07:41):
we're ready to take you upstairs andhelp with the wound. And I wasn't
quite sure what she meant by that, but I got up, I took
my oxy, and I went intothe bathroom and she told me to go
in the bathtub, which I thoughtwas super odd at that point, kind
of of like that's a weird placeto do it. You also don't want,

(08:03):
you know, a wound to bewet, right, you don't want
a bacteriy and like what all thesoapy weirdness, but you don't want water
on it. But she said thatthe surgeon recommended to go into the bathtub
because the water would help take thingsout and That's when it kind of clicked
of this is open, but ithas some medical surgical supplies in it.

(08:26):
And I froze for a minute.And I got in the water after a
long kind of crying argument with mypoor mother, who's just trying to get
it over with as well. AndI get in the water and I'm like,
jeez, I don't feel anything.I didn't feel any pain. I
didn't feel anything. So I waslike, this is going to be easy,

(08:46):
right, and we kind of toughenourselves up a little bit and do
it that way. I lifted myarm and my mom started to kind of
pull and that's when I fully rememberis when I checked out for the first
time. I shut down. Itwas probably a thing of surgical supplies about

(09:09):
you know, this long or so, and it got pulled all the way
out. Yeah. Yeah, ifyou need a dixie cup, everybody get
a dixie cup out. Yeah,just kind of we're gonna, yeah,
try not to think about it.This episode sponsored by dixie Cup. If

(09:33):
you need a hurl, hurl inthe dixie cup. Yeah. So,
I mean it was it was oneof those moments where you know, I
moved out of my body. Ilet it happen, and then I realized,
Hey, there's the other side thathas to get done as well.
And my mom kind of looked atme and she said, you know,
you can scream as loud as youwant to scream. We're going to get

(09:54):
this over with. And it waskind of this moment of a level of
strength I had never needed to havebefore, which I know so well at
this point, but that really wasthis first moment that PTSD really began to
take its toll once we had tocontinuously, you know, re repack,

(10:15):
retake off and over and over andover again. So that's kind of how
that original PTSD started, and iteventually led into me getting CRPS because that
wound stayed open for a whole year. I can't even imagine how is yours?
Yours? Yours is fairly localized inyour CRPS, right, Is it

(10:35):
in your just in your arms orit goes down to my fingertips? Yeah,
your fingertips, yeah, so it'sup in that. So like we
both have the similar CRPS in nature. But that's what's so interesting. That's
kind of why I opened up withCRPS has many faces, and I kind
of like threw that in because itdoes we I know one of my best
friends on the entire planet has CRPSand she has it so different from mine

(11:01):
but also so similar. And thenyou and I speak and it's like,
God, we have so many thingsthat are exactly alike, and then so
many things that are like what howThat is so nuts? And because it
is such a noro logical disorder ontop of the physical part of it,
it is a complete mind fuck.I mean it is. There are days

(11:24):
where we wake up, you andI both We've talked about this on text
and everything, like we wake upand we're like, wow, this is
a great Nope, it's not goingto be a great day after all.
And we have to EBB and wehave to flow, and that's how our
bodies manifest it, and sometimes itchanges from hour to hour, and we
just have to kind of like gowith the flow and be prepped and be
calculated, calculated about what we aregoing to be able to do minute by

(11:50):
minute, hour by hour, dayby day. And it's hard for us
to make plans. It's hard forus to like, sure, I'll commit,
and then I feel really really guiltywhen someone's like, hey, i'll
see you in two hours and I'mlike, oh my god, I've been
waiting so hard to be able tolike pull this off, and I can't.
And that is something that's really challengingwhen you live in chronic pain as

(12:11):
a whole is putting together these calculatedmeasures and these calculated plans and order for
us to be able to like ebband flow and be part of this world.
It's nuts so completely well, andthat's what makes treatment so difficult too,
because everybody is so different exactly,so different for each individual person.

(12:31):
Yeah, no, it's it's sohard. So what happened? Then after
we've got you're pulling out like likea clown's pulling out flags out of his
like bunny hat out of your armpit. It's like a magic trick. That
is how I mentioned it in mybook. It's like a magic trick.
D I really did, I reallydid? It was. I love it

(12:52):
And I haven't been able to readit yet because we got it doesn't even
matter why, but I read portionsof it on Kindle and I'm like that
that's a good representation of it.I just felt like it just kept coming
and coming and coming and coming rightright, yeah, yeah, I mean,
and and you know the fact thatyou have to kind of continuously,
you know, fix the wound andtend to the wound and doing all this.

(13:13):
And remember this is just my mom, who isn't who isn't you know,
educated and she's nurse, she's noteducated in nursing or anything like that,
and what was you know, thestruggle with this specific issue is that
it wasn't healing. And it's reallyhard to heal that area in general,
right or if you think about kindof how much you move your arms and

(13:35):
how much your armpit actually flexes,which is so something you wouldn't think about
unless you have something open. It'sall the time. And so that's something
that makes it really difficult. Sowe started contacting the surgeon and saying,
hey, it's still not closing.He was doing his thing of yeah,
yeah, yeah, it'll close,right, like it'll it'll close. You

(13:58):
just keep caring for it. It'llIt's kind of that posture that he had
overall in months and months and monthspassed by, and I was a senior
in high school and we're continuously kindof saying, hey, it's not closing.
I'm starting school by throwing up inthe morning, I'm ending school by
crying. I am still though,doing theater, so I'm still kind of

(14:18):
pushing my body anyways, So I'msweating, right, I'm working out all
of that. So I'm still continuingmy life because I started to do this
you know thing that I feel likeso much of us are familiar with,
of just gaslating ourselves. Right.And finally we were like, hey,
we're going to go to a differentsurgeon because clearly something goes So we go

(14:41):
to we go to a different surgeon, thank god we did. But we
went to a different surgeon who workedactually under the surgeon that I had already
seen, and before she knew thathe was the one who did the surgery,
she I lift in my armpit andshe goes, who did this to

(15:01):
you? Oh? And I'm sittingthere like what he's doing this to me?
What does it? What did Ijust hear exactly? So I,
you know, I say who whothe surgeon was? And she shut off.

(15:22):
She didn't say anything else about whatwas going on with it. She
didn't do anything like that, Andso that was something that you know,
I I remember kind of seeing herand thinking, oh, man, she's
not gonna you know, she's notgonna complain about this because of you know,
the hierarchy of the medical system.And we could go on for that
about hours, but you know allof that. So I got the surgery,

(15:46):
and it took a solid about sixmonths to get it to close.
However, she followed that was afteryour that was after that when the new
doctor came in. Okay, sothis whole time, how long had that
gone by? So that problem tookus all of like three or four months,
and then another six months and thenso basically, yeah, exactly,

(16:06):
exactly, yeah and inane. Andthe difference was that I saw her probably
twice a week. I was seeingher constantly with her, you know,
attending to it, helping my mom, giving us different things, which was
so clear that there was such thisdifference of oh she can, she can
get it to close. But eventhough that did end up closing, within

(16:27):
it probably three I mean, itwas such a short time. But within
three weeks after the second surgery,I was sitting in math class. I
remember the key point. I'm sittingin math class, I'm talking to my
friend. My teacher passes out homework. She says, right, you know,
start working on your homework. Itake the pencil and I couldn't write,

(16:49):
and it was this overwhelming sense ofpain and lack of control of my
body. And I remember being terrified. I didn't know what was happening to
me. I didn't know if,like something else was going I mean,
I had no clue, and yourbrain starts to run. I'm seventeen at
this point, I'm young, andthis was something that I remember. I

(17:12):
looked at my friend and I washoping she didn't notice the fact that I
was having so much trouble. AndI'm sitting there trying to debate on kind
of what to do, and Iput the pencil down and just didn't do
the homework. It was like,maybe something's up the armpit's still given trouble.
I don't know, so I kindof talk. I mean, neurologically,
when you're cutting into nerves and stuff, it makes sense that you would

(17:33):
have she's with your hands in yourarm right, and that's what And I
remember telling my you know, mymom, and she was very much like,
yeah, the exact same thing ofyeah, you know, it's healing
all of these things. But inthe back of my mind it was a
different level of pain that I hadnever felt and it was this burning and
this deep to the bone pain thatI know so well at this point,

(17:53):
and I'm sure you know so well, and I sure do. I feel
like my bone marrow is on fivetwenty five hours a day exactly. So,
so it was definitely this inner strugglewith hey, something is clearly not
right and being told, you know, maybe it's the surgery, maybe it's
those sort of things that's causing it, but it the decline happened so fast.

(18:18):
Within a month, I was atthe point of not lifting things.
I was tremoring all the time.I couldn't write, I couldn't do fine
motor skills. But then more importantlythe pain I could not I could not
tape. And it kind of putme in this moment of, well,
what the hell do I do now? Because I did the surgery like they
said, I did the treatment likethey said, Like, what is going

(18:38):
on? And I'm sure you knowthat before you kind of get that diagnosis,
you get a ton of tests doneon you. They want to test
for even some random, you know, disease that could possibly potentially cause something.
Yeah, and when you're when you'rein that kind of debilitating pain that
you and I know as men ifour listeners know as well, and the

(19:02):
listeners listen to this show for theirloved ones as well, which is interesting.
I've been doing analytics on demographics,by the way, and it's like
so many men are listening for women. And it's a really interesting shift with
dynamics or with demographics, because I'vebeen watching it and I've been getting emails
from people about how they're listening tohelp other people, and I absolutely love
that because that's what we're here todo. But when you're in this kind

(19:25):
of pain and you feel hopeless andyou don't know what to do, and
all you're given is like, gotake this pill or go have another surgery,
or this is just how it's goingto be, You're like, there's
no way, this is how it'sgoing to be, Like give me a
fucking break. I will not livelike this, So how do we do
that? And You're like me,you and I would immediately when we did

(19:47):
our meet Ingrahamy, you and Iare cut from the same cloth as far
as like we're going to get throughthis no matter what. We're going to
have our crap days. And youand I both have experienced those stuff recently,
but those crap days really make agood days amazing. And what I
struggle with in pain management is onthose good days, I want to do
as much as I possibly can andenjoy. But I know, like you

(20:08):
and I have talked about, isthe calculation behind that. We know that
if I put this gas, thismuch gas into my body and I use
it up, I'm going it's gonnatake me two to three days to refill.
And that because my tank doesn't fillup in six minutes like everybody else's
does, it takes two days todo it, three days to maybe do
it. But is it all ofthat fun and that that excitement or whatever,

(20:30):
even vacuuming my home or whatever itis I want to do, is
it all worth the two days?Sometimes it absolutely is. And so it's
like picking and choosing what's the mostimportant thing and the most important people that
we want to go spend time withor do things with. But it's not
because we don't love the other peoplearound us. We don't love the other
things. We have to legitimately becalculated about how and who we are going

(20:55):
to be with, what we're gonnado, who we're going to allow into
our world because we know those peopleare gonna make I just want to blow
our brains out. We know we'renot going to go hang out with those
Trump supporters. We know we're notgonna go do this. We know we're
not gonna do that, right,So we make these We make these decisions
because we know how how fragile ourbodies are with our nervous system, and
how we are affected by the smallestthings. And I don't love that about

(21:18):
this disease, but it's something thatwe've had to learn. Yeah. Well,
and that's why pacing is so important. It took me months and months
of treatment to figure out pacing becauseexactly the minute you feel great, you
are gonna run. But the problemis you're going to burn yourself out.
And I talk so much about havingpain in that driver's seat all the time,

(21:40):
and how important it is for usto get into the driver's seat and
kind of kick it to the back, because when it's in the driver's seat,
that's when it becomes you know,us running, running, running until
we can't run anymore, and that'show we collapse. And so that's why
that's so absolutely beyond important. Yeah. Well, and you are wise beyond
your years and you already know thatshe sounds like she's far older than me,

(22:03):
and that's a compliment actually, butyou know, I mean that's extremely
wise. Like we do. Wewake up and we're like, all right,
because my legs are named Thumb andLouise, my left thumb and my
right is Louise. And we havea little conversation every morning when we get
up. We're like, all right, bitches, what are we gonna do
today? You know, what canwe do to get this body moving and
to get to work through whatever pain? We're going to deal with, whatever

(22:26):
it is that comes at us.And I so interesting because I end up
putting Thumb and Louise in the driver'sseat first before I choose, and I've
recognized that, and then I'm likewhoaa whoa like you said, kick it
into the back seat Thumb and Louise, even though they're known for being in
the front seat holding their hands,jumping over a cliff, putting them in
the back seat and let me driveand go, hey, you know what,

(22:48):
let's go down here and go tothe bar instead, right, or
let's go to Nordstrum, or let'sdo some other than jump off a cliff.
Seriously, seriously. And I feellike that's what's so empowering about,
you know, knowing that you havethose you know, Felmo and when we
use in the back seat, knowingthat they're in the back seat and you're

(23:10):
still doing what other people might nothave in the backseat and you're still doing
what they're doing. That's what's soempowering. And that's what's so important.
It is. And I kind offeel like a bad us on some days.
I'm not gonna lie. Oh absolutely, I'm like, give me a
break right now, all right,you know, And I don't need to
say it out loud, but it'sup in here. I'm like, oh

(23:30):
God, come on, dude,right right. And that's what you know.
And I think it's important for usto remember that no matter what,
whether we're in bed or whether we'redoing something, we're a badass, right
because we're still in bed and we'restill alive. And that's what's so key.
Yeah, And I'm still hitting allof the balls out of the court,
like, and I don't know,not as fast as I used to.

(23:52):
Things take me a little bit longerthan they used to. I've had
to make some sacrifices and let goof some people, some clients, things
in my life that weren't giving mejoy, they were only just like stressing
me out. So by letting goof all of those, I opened up
more doors for opportunity to meet peoplelike you, to start to do this
show blah blah blah. But whenwe open up those places where we've kept

(24:15):
people and things in our lives thatare nasty and dark and twisty, and
try to push those people out,not in the backseat, out of the
car, and that has been superhelpful for me with pain management. So
I want to kind of move into, if you don't mind moving into a
little bit about how you deal outsideof our mindset and what we just talked
about. But are there any thingsthat you do outside of our mindset shifting

(24:37):
and our meditation, all the thingsthat you and I have spoken about,
But is there anything that you do, particularly in a pain management perspective,
that can be helpful for other people, not just with CRPS, but other
pain conditions. Yeah. So,something that I learned pretty pretty late in
my kind of treatment journey is thatCRPS what makes it what I think the

(25:00):
absolute hardest, is that you youhave to find the things that are causing
pain and actually do them. AndI think that's something that a lot of
people don't think about our loved ones, our friends, our family, is
that you know, things are extrahard when we're doing the things that really
hurt and that really don't feel good. I make sure to go to the

(25:22):
gym, as you know, acertain amount of times a week. That's
not because oh I love the gin. Nobody loves the gin. No,
No, I don't care. Ifyou're there, like doing your stuff on
video and whatever, you still don'tlove it, So don't buy to me
anymore. Nobody likes anybody. Idon't believe yah any exactly. Nobody loves
the GMOs. But that's something thatI make sure to take care of myself

(25:48):
and do it in that way becauseas long as I keep moving, I
notice that, you know, itmight take a month, but my symptoms
actually improve significantly. And so doingthings that the minute that I see,
oh that hurts, maybe it'll bea fabric that you feel. Maybe it'll
be hot versus cold water or air. Guys, this is literally what Audrey

(26:12):
and I are fearing. Air.That is how bad, that is,
how bad ce RPS is. Weare afraid of wind and air and fabric.
Okay, if that, thank you, thank you for subbing that right
up, Because like your sheets onthe top of my feet at night,
I'm like, oh my god,I'm gonna die. This is how are

(26:34):
sheets painful? It's nothing last night, like you just said, pushing through
pain when it comes to one ofmy aunts is a physical therapist. She's
amazing, and she always says toldme, she's like, you just have
to keep on walking on the pain, no matter what, you have to
keep on walking. Whether it's yourhands that hurts, whether it's your shoulder

(26:55):
that hurts, don't just keep itthere. I mean, if it's medical
and your bone has broken, pleasekeep it weird. As I am not
doctor, do not use this asany medical advice, but take that as
advice. But like you know,once you're all clear and free and keep
moving, keep doing it. Likemy sweetie always says, oh honey,
I'll get up. I'll get that. I'm like if I if I don't
use them, I'm going to losethem. If I don't use them,

(27:15):
I'm going to lose him. Andlast night we went to this big fancy
schmancy thing for iHeart but anyway,we were there and we showed up and
we're all dulled up, and Icouldn't use my wheelchair at this event,
and I was really nervous about it, and I, uh, we get
there and I have my cane,which I don't use all that often and
I need to be better about it. But anyway, so I use a

(27:37):
cane and I walk in and itis in no shoes policy into this home
that we had to go into.So here I am. I don't have
like socks or anything with me.I have to go barefoot for this entire
night. And I stood up forseventy five percent of the night barefoot like
a bad ass. I was gonnasay, can we take a moment and
acknowledge everybody take a beat, andlet's do a round of applause. I

(28:02):
was so proud of myself last nightbecause the first night that I have gone,
you know what, fuck it,I'm gonna stand up, I'm gonna
show up. I'm supporting my sweetieand what we do and what he does.
And it was a really neat nightfor me to show that I could
do that, because I keep sayingI can't do that. Oh, I
can't do that, and we dofabric hurt. Stepping on carpet hurts every
surface. You're looking down, Well, for me, I'm looking down because

(28:25):
it's my feet, but for youwould be everything with your hands and anything
that would be like a purse underyour shoulder. I mean, you just
think about all the things that touchour body that we interact with that you
take advantage of that. We werenot grateful for the fact that we can
walk on carpet. You guys canall walk on carpet like badasses and do
ballerina poses, and I can't dothat heroetta carpet. What I'm not a

(28:48):
monster? Well, and that's whatI think is also so interesting is the
fact that once I moved out formy family house and I and I live
alone at this point. So onceI moved out and I realized people aren't
going to do things for me,that's when I like flourished, was when
I was able to. And soI think it's hard for loved ones and

(29:11):
friends and family to find that balancebetween supporting and also just doing everything for
the person that ultimately harms them atthe end of the day. That's well
said, because I know that youknow my mom's like she's she's very sensitive,
like, oh, let me helpthem, Like I'm good, I've
got it, I got it.I gotta do this on my own.
It's almost like she's trying to workher toddler, trying to learn how to

(29:32):
walk again. It's so weird andso sad, you know, And we
have to we have to learn becausewe all talk about our pain, and
we all talk about we're going through, but we in fact, my sweetie
is doing one hundredth episode with me, and we're going to talk about just
this about how we can be betterfor the people in our lives that support
us and educating them too, aboutHey, I know that you want to

(29:56):
help, but I really need youto like leave me the fuck alone for
just a little bit. Let mestand here at this event proud and not
be worried about me, because Ineed to do this for me and by
proxy for him. Right. No, that's and that's something that you know
with my book. When I waswriting my book and I'm talking about kind
of this time in my life,I had never taken a moment to realize,

(30:19):
Wow, my mom has been throughso she's got her own PTSD from
it, She's got her own stuff, right, And I know my mom.
In fact, our moms might reallyget along. Actually they need their
own support. And I keep tellingher. I'm like, hey, I
go to therapy. I talk topeople about this, Like who are you

(30:41):
talking to about how to appropriately likesupport me and also support you because the
people that are in our lives andI feel guilty about that. There's like
this guilt shame kind of thing thatcomes from like, oh God, our
loved ones have to like go totherapy to deal with us. I'm like,
we're going to therapy to deal withyou. Let me tell you.

(31:02):
I mean the therapist as I wasfourteen because of you. People give me
a break, seriously. Yeah yeah, Oh my gosh, so funny.
Oh gosh, I love you somuch. Such a great interview. I
love this. This is so great. So okay, so here we are

(31:22):
now and you're thriving and you've writtenthis book. Let's talk about your book
a little bit. Okay, yes, let's do it. So you started
this, you start obviously, we'vebeen on this pain journey and you've got
this chronically unstoppable. And I lovethat because what the alternative, like I
said, is not pretty. Youknow how can we move to some form

(31:44):
of freedom. We don't know whetherwe're ever going to be free of pain.
I have hope that will be inat least less pain. I don't
know if we'll ever be pain free. So talk to me about your book
just a little bit. Yeah,this is so exciting, I I know.
So I spent a solid three orso years writing this book, and

(32:05):
originally it kind of was birthed outof me writing a blog. And I
noticed that when I write the bloga very conversational way, people really connected
with it. So I'm not talkingway higher above them, I'm talking very
much at their level. So Istarted writing this book and it is about
kind of my journey from even beforeI originally had the surgeries, all the

(32:28):
way up until the point when I'myou know, living alone and thriving.
And it has a lot of thesemixtures of let me tell you about a
certain time in my life, andthen here's all the things that I learned
from it as I'm even writing it, as I'm exploring through it, talking
about it through therapy, and somethingin one of the biggest things that I

(32:50):
that I kind of realized is thatwe spend so much time fighting this pain
all the time, we're fighting it, and when I fully felt I will
say, at this point, eventhough I have pain, I do feel
a level of free And I thinkthat that's because I shifted my mindset from

(33:10):
that fighting the pain to actually workingalongside the pain and kind of making it.
You know, if it's gonna again, if it's gonna be in the
car, if it's going to bein the back seat, Okay, it
can chill in the back seat.You know, it can do its thing,
and I'm gonna work alongside it andnot fight for the wheel every single
day. And I think that's somethingthat I realized at the end of my

(33:36):
my treatment that I that I didfor about two months or so. It
kind of finally clicked of. Onceyou start, you know, pacing and
once you start figuring out kind ofokay, here are the things that cause
pain. I'm going to do twoof them today instead of all five,
I'm gonna do two and doing thiskind of you know, negotiation. I

(33:57):
guess you could say, yes,that's great word. I was just gonna
say that. Yeah. You're like, literally, it's like the Angel and
Devil on your shoulder. You're like, all right, I want to go
have some fun over here. Andshe's like, exactly, Lindy, I've
always battled with that, you know, because I'm a geminist rist. Oh
yeah, interesting people. Yeah,but I I I think that Taurus.

(34:22):
Yeah yeah, Taurus, we knowwho we are. But but you know
that that level of negotiation and thatlevel of working with what I noticed is
that my level of exhaustion went waydown because it is so exhausting feeling like
you are fighting it every day.You know, you're not not fighting for
your life, right, We're allfighting for our lives, but it's fighting

(34:43):
against something that is so exhausting mentally, physically, the whole, the whole
shebang. So that's something. Andyou're fighting against yourself, which is what
the challenge. You're like, waita second, this is me. Why
am I fighting against me? Andyou're like, and I know a lot
of that stems from trauma, andyours is a couple of weeks and we

(35:04):
didn't get into some of it,and that's okay, But when it comes
to trauma as a whole, traumais trauma's trauma, right. Pain is
pain is pain. I always saythat around here because I can experience something
and the same person can experience thesame thing and have absolutely completely different results
from it. Different experience, differentdoctors, different that's different, that different
family environment, different jobs, differentages. I mean, I mean,

(35:24):
there's nobody is the same, andit's it's one of those things where I
feel like I'm always kind of likethat again, that Gemini, that devil,
and that angel that's always been fightingwith itself. And it's been like
that since I was a little girl. So there's some of that that's in
my persona. That's part of whoI am, and it it keeps me
up at night trying to fight formy life and fight for the other life

(35:47):
that's in me. There's two peoplein here, and I'm not pregnant.
Just say God Almighty, just toclarify, because everybody all of a sudden
just drove their cars off the cliffingme. Everybody been like, oh,
no way, yeah, that's howI did it. Let me do the

(36:07):
gender reveal next, Jesus. Yeah, some big explosions on the news,
right, that would be my luckfor sure. So and you know,
I think a lot of for mewith pain management. One of the things
that's happened to me is I've hadto start to grieve the things that I

(36:29):
know I will never be able todo again. There's absolutely no chance I'm
going to be able to ski again. Nope, not a chance. And
there are some things that I knowI for sure will be able to do
again. Because that's what I'm goingto focus on the stuff that I know
I'm going to be able. Don'ttry to do the things that I know
I like legitimately unless there's an actof God that happens. There's no way

(36:51):
I'm going to get ski boots onmy on my feet, and there's no
way I'm going to be able todownhill ski and whatever like I used to.
But there are plenty of other thingsthat I used to do that I
can do, new things that I'mgetting interested in, Like I'm starting horseback
riding. Hello, not on myfeet, I mean they're in stirps.
But I'm going to be strengthening mybody in different ways that I haven't been
able to. And so looking atpain management as a strength instead of this

(37:14):
like negative thing is something that forme as a mindset that I have because
it's like, well, if Ido this, i'm strength in my body.
I'm doing something that's healthy for mybody and not going well. I
can't do that. It's what canI do? And then do the things
I can do, and I feellike whenever, like last night, like
my example, I woke up rejuvenatedthis morning because I stood for the longest

(37:36):
I've stood in four years. Thatis a win. That's a win.
Yeah, and I and you know, I got this condition at seventeen.
I missed senior prom. I missedsenior everything I didn't I my biggest thing
was going away to college. Iwas so so excited about going away to
college. I couldn't go away tocollege. I commuted, but I couldn't

(37:58):
go away. You know, myold sister had to drive me and drop
me off, and you know allof that, and you miss certain periods
in your life that you're allowed togrieve and you're allowed to feel. And
something that was so healing for mewas with my book when I was talking
about, you know, my mindsetduring that time period. I felt like

(38:21):
I was able to kind of allowyounger Audrey past Audrey to kind of feel
those feelings and say, you know, what, what you're going through is
valid. And I think sometimes wejust we our past selves. You know,
prior prior to developing any type ofcondition. That's all we want is
for somebody to say, hey,we see you, we see how hard

(38:45):
you're fighting. And so that's somethingthat you know, when I when I
think about, Okay, here arethe goals that passed Audrey wanted to do
in her life, But what doescurrent Audrey want to do in her life?
Because it could be totally different,and it is to different. I'm
on a totally different path right wherethat's kind of the way life works.

(39:05):
But it's something that kind of allowsyou to both grieve and to also say,
oh my gosh, I am soexcited for this, these future goals
that I have for myself instead ofthese past ones that I just didn't get
to make. Yeah, and thatlike for me, we are similar in
nature where I started in theater andmusicals and dance and all of that stuff,
and I was supposed to be thisfamous you know, Gwen Stefani.

(39:30):
I mean, that was like mygoal, That's what I wanted to do,
and then I ended up being like, I don't really want to be
a poor Thuspian, Like I justneed to like work, and so I
started my business and I went downthe business road and all of that,
and then there's that soul food thatgot lost somewhere in there, and I've
grieved that person. I'm grieving thatthat now this other person that I created
from that, And now I'm kindof like in I am forty six years

(39:52):
old and I am legitimately in themiddle of a midlife crisis. I'm like,
I started this show and it isturned in to it has moved me
into a whole entire different path inmy life that I never thought I would
would be. Where I never thoughtI would be the sick. I never
thought I would be having these kindsof conversations with people, certainly not to
thousands of people listening, right,Like what and now crafting a life for

(40:16):
myself Now that is meaningful for whereI am now in my life and where
I want to be, not fromwhere where I didn't end up. And
that's a hard pill to swallow.And it's sometime you know, when you
swallow a pill and it gets stuckand you're like, Okay, this is
it. I'm dying, this isit, Yes, the end, this
is how I die. By gettinga vitamin stuck in my throat, right

(40:38):
that we've all been there. It'sthe scariest moment of your life and the
first giant ones to always those hugeand if even after it goes down,
it's still there in your brain,you're like, I still can't. I'm
not gonna be able to eat chickenfor a week for sure. But it's

(41:01):
a hard pill to swallow, youknow. And when you finally get that,
oh that hard part out cut,very well done, Lindsay, good
job, good analogy. When youfinally get that down, you're like,
oh my gosh, that that aircomes in again and you feel safe and
you feel free, and it's noteasy to get there. But just keep

(41:21):
drinking your water. Hydrate people,Just keep hydrating, you know, and
hydrate, hydrate and moisturize, repeat, because these are the things that we
have to do in order to keepgoing on in this life. And our
goal here is to make sure thatpeople don't give up on hope and don't
give up on getting through that pillthat's stuck in your throat, like,

(41:42):
get through the hard stuff, becausewe can. And you're never alone,
even if you feel like you are. You can always reach out to people
like myself and Audrey, you know, we're these are the people that are
out here. We've experienced all ofthis pain and all of this joy,
and all of them kind of combinedtogether in some places, which is really
weird too. Oh yeah, ohyeah, there's always I feel like every

(42:04):
day has both the pain and joymultiple times with the amount of yin and
yang. It is an up anddown and our support team and people around
us are kind of going through thatroller coaster as well. And we applaud
you and thank you for being herefor us, and we also are here
for you trying to support you aswell. We might not always be as

(42:24):
good as good at it as wewant to, but thank you to everybody
in my world. And you knowwho you guys are. But okay,
what are you up to next?What's coming next with you? Oh?
That is a great question. SoI am currently working for an anti trafficking
organization that is human trafficking sometimes notturtles people. Yeah, I get that

(42:50):
can be not turtles, elephants,no, no, no, none of
that in rare bats yeah any goodwanti yeah yeah no. So so I
work for an anti human trafficking organizationand I kind of I fell in love
with that field and with the factthat you know trauma knows trauma, and

(43:15):
just like you said, it doesn'tmatter what your trauma is, it doesn't
matter how long your trauma is orthe severity you can understand each other when
you've when you've experienced a type oftrauma. And that's something that I've kind
of started to utilize within within mywithin my job. And then aside from
that, I am going to kindof continue doing podcasts and meeting up with

(43:38):
people and posting on social media andall that related to my book, which
I'm just I'm so excited about.It's it's craziness. But yeah, so
that's that's kind of what I'm gonnabe up to. I love it so
much. I mean, you arean inspiration to me, especially because you
we're twenty years apart, like legitimatelyand and exactly, and I feel like

(43:59):
I have gained so much wisdom fromyou just in the few short months that
we've known each other, and evenjust on this episode, and I want
to applaud you for being so strongand so wise having gone through what you've
gone through. And we know whatour future may or may not be with
CRPS, and that's something that Iknow Thelma and Louise and I have very

(44:20):
deep discussions about twenty four hours aday. Louise again, well, they're
here all day long. He's goingto be there always. I'm my Thelma,
would you stop being such a bitch. She's been the one the past
two weeks that is like, I'mlike, we're going to Low's and we're
getting a chainsaw because you're out ofhere, baby. I mean, it's
been nuts and so but you know, so interesting. Why they came where
I came up with that name ismy acupuncturist told me that I needed to

(44:45):
humanize my pain. And I waslike, okay. She's like, I
want you to name your feet.I'm like, what that is the dumbest
thing I have ever heard of.And it stuck and it is the best
thing that I ever heard, becauseI literally I do humanize them because I
felt like my legs were not partof my body anymore. I felt like

(45:06):
I was separated from like these don'teven feel like they're part of my body
anymore. And she's like, youhave to like talk to them like people
say talk to your plants. I'mlike, all right, I guess we'll
talk to my legs. There's acrazy lady sitting on the bench talking to
her legs. That's my future.If you see somebody doing that, if
you see me in a park withpigeons on my head, please call the

(45:27):
authorities. Well, I don't knowwhat's going on in the background, but
it sounds like a show behind youmight be coming to a close and we
need to close out as well.So is there anything else that you would
like to leave our listeners with beforewe hit the Thelma and Louise Dusty trail
here? Yeah? No, Ijust I want to say I appreciate everybody

(45:52):
for listening. And you know,my biggest thing is that you know,
living alongside and working with your painas possible, and it's something that you
can do. And if you're aloved one of somebody who's going through it,
no, we see you too andbeyond appreciate you for everything that you've
done. Whether we can say itone day or whether you're getting yelled at
bias the next day, or whoknows what it is, but we see

(46:15):
and appreciate you. And that's what'sso important, is to remember that you
know, we see it, whetherwe show it or not, we see
it. Thank you for that.That was Actually my sweetie needed to hear
that from me, So I'll havethem just listen to the episode and say
what she said. Yeah, justdouble that, yeah what Audrey said.
All right, ditto on that one. Thanks so much, girl. And

(46:37):
you know, I mean you andI are plugged in, so You're not
coming out of my life and I'mnot leaving yours, that is for sure.
Thank you so much for being here, babe, and I will talk
with you soon. Thank you.You are exclusively invited to share this.
Living alongside you and your pain vIP pain journey together, Let's get to
the heart of how to heal withyou by mine and Audrey's side. You

(47:00):
know someone who needs to hear thisconversation today, Someone that you love,
someone that is in your support,someone that you are. You're dealing with
this, did you need to hearthis? We are here, Welcome to
the Pain Game Podcast. That's whatwe're here for. Let's connect and hear
stories of your strength and grit.I am here to help provide a safe
place for you to be vulnerable andhonest and share your powerfully amazing stories.

(47:22):
So please follow the Pain Game Podcastwherever you digest your podcast content, we
will be there. Visit us atthe paingamepodcast dot com and follow us on
all the socials. Thanks for listeningmy little VIPs. Catch you on the
other side.