May 13, 2025 • 38 mins
Let's talk about Sex - with my guest speaker Laura Lee.
Access my pleasure packed online courses, content, toys and tools at
In this episode of the Pleasurelit Podcast, we talk about:
- Common blockages when it comes to communication in the bedroom
- Why sexual communication is so important
- The difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, and how communication play a role in this
- How non-verbal forms of sexual communication shape intimacy
- Practical ways couples can improve their sexual communication
- Things you can do today to improve your sexual communication
- Lauras favourite pleasure products, more about her pleasure journey, her number one pleasure tip and so much
Laura is a psychologist & sexologist with over 17 years experience in clinical practice and coaching. She is the Director of Blue Space Psychology where she helps individuals with their mental and sexual wellbeing. Lauralee.com.au
For educational and informative purposes only
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the pleasure lit podcast, a podcast to inspire
and empower you on your pleasurejourney.
Hi, I am Pleasure Lit Patricia, your trusted, multi
award-winning and certified pleasure educator and creator,
guiding you on your journey to awaken deep and widen and
(00:25):
embrace your pleasure potential through apologetic self love,
empowered exploration, embodied self-care, nourishing
connections and relationships, and conscious King, BDSM, Tantra
(00:46):
and so many other delicious pleasure practices.
Let's be and live the pleasure lit way before we're going to
get into this podcast episode. I would love it if you could
screenshot this podcast episode,share it onto your social
medias, and then tag me and the guest speaker in this with your
(01:07):
take away message from this episode so we know what you have
learned through this and we can share your love.
Thank you so much. And today I've got a beautiful
guest speaker with me, which is Lauren.
She's a psychologist and sexologist with over 17 years
experience in clinical practice and coaching.
(01:28):
She's the director of Blue SpacePsychology where she helps
individuals with their mental and sexual well-being.
Welcome to the podcast. Thank you.
It's such a pleasure to be here.Thank you for having me.
We usually ask a couple starter questions just so we can get to
know you. Where are you currently at on
your pleasure journey? What a great question I am in my
(01:54):
like taking up space era. This is a a topic I know I love
it. This is a topic I am super
passionate about. I talk to my clients, I work
with a lot of women and women identifying people and I this
topic of like being allowed to take up space comes up in my
clinical practice every day. So taking up space for me in my
(02:16):
pleasure journey looks like being patient with myself and
asking and taking and receiving and and all those good things.
All the good things, I love themso much for you.
Thank you. What is something that brings
you a lot of pleasure? Something that brings me a lot
(02:36):
of pleasure is in my current relationship, we have really
made a concerted effort to nurture the sexual and erotic
part of our relationship on a daily basis.
And that gives me a lot of pleasure because I find that,
well, number one, that's super fun, right?
So that's really fun. But #2 it really flows into all
(02:58):
these areas of my life in terms of kind of a sense of vibrancy
and vitality that I noticed shows up for me when I'm able to
kind of nurture these parts of my relationship.
So that is giving me a lot of pleasure at the moment.
Sounds amazing. I would love to talk with you
about how to talk about sex withyour partners in the bedroom
(03:19):
because I've gone through this transformation myself.
So I've been a people play them.I have said yes to things I
wanted to say no to. I have not spoken up what I
actually desire. I had partners where they
eventually did at some stage askme, like, what do you want from
me now? And I'm like, yeah, whatever you
want or like, you know, just to go along with it or, you know,
(03:42):
couldn't speak up, couldn't really set my healthy boundaries
or speak up my desires. And now to becoming such an
embodied pleasure, a woman who'sso confident and really asking
for what she needs and wants andreclaiming my pleasure and
setting healthy boundaries. And especially because a lot of
people who are following me or getting to know me, then
(04:04):
eventually meeting me, they're like, Oh my God, you're talking
about the things that I can't even talk at home to my partner.
And you talk about this on social media like it's
breakfast. And I'm.
I'm just like, yeah, this has been a huge step, a huge
transformation. And there are so many women, but
also men who reached them out tome and asked, how do you do it?
(04:27):
I just can't talk openly about it.
So This is why I would love to chat with you about that topic.
And I think we could start with what I like some common
blockages around why are they not communicating in a
partnership about sex? Absolutely.
I've really appreciate you sharing your experience.
I mean, that is my experience too.
I've spent most of my adult life, I'm in my 40s now, and I
(04:51):
spent most of my adult life having sex, but not talking
about the sex that I was having.That's very common.
Certainly. It is really a very fraught
topic for people. It feels really high stakes.
So some of the common blockages are the the level of risk that
(05:12):
we appraise when it comes to talking about sex.
Sex is high stakes. It has the potential to activate
shame, to be judged, to be rejected, to be abandoned, to be
hurt, to hurt this person I careabout.
Like it feels like a minefield in terms of the risks involved.
And then I overlay that with thefact that we still live in a
(05:34):
really sex negative culture. None of us are taught how to
talk about sex. And in fact, a lot of people
were actively discouraged. I have memories of being
actively discouraged from talking about sex growing up.
So I overlay all my fears about being judged and rejected with
the fact that it's definitely not a skill I've ever been
(05:54):
actively taught and didn't really have the opportunity to
learn about and practice. And most of us just started
having sex without being taught how to talk about it.
So there are a number of blockers here.
Now, I mentioned I mentioned shame.
And I'm going to say that in my clinical experience, this is
probably one of the most significant challenges for
(06:17):
people. Like shame is our shame is our
like really tender spots, you know, like our most painful kind
of bruises, those parts of ourselves that say we are not
good enough or not okay as we are or defective in some way.
And we've all got shame parts ofourselves, but a lot of people
have shame stuff when it comes to sex, and the risk of that
(06:40):
being activated is so great, so significant and so deeply
painful. I can really understand why
people would rather just avoid that.
That feels high risk. I get a lot of people reaching
out and then saying they actually are ashamed of.
I can't really like say that this is my desire or my fantasy
or that I've got this fetish or that I want to try this king.
(07:02):
Some of the men that reach out and ask how can I get my partner
to try pleasure toys and tots for example, which I always can
say like you can't like manipulate anyone to any to do
anything but you can have an urban honest communication.
Why is communication so important though within that
relationship about sex? Yeah, so communication about sex
(07:26):
is really important for a coupleof key reasons.
I actually did some research on this last year.
I had a paper published last year and the research told us
that sex, when it comes to sexual communication, rather it
is one of the biggest predictorsof two things.
It is a really big predictor of sexual satisfaction.
(07:47):
So how effectively I appraise mysexual communication with my
partner or partners, he's going to directly correlate to how
satisfied I am with the sex thatI'm having.
And it's also, this is so interesting to me.
Sexual communication also has a really strong protective
function for desire. And as you probably know, people
are very concerned about their levels of sexual desire.
(08:10):
It's the still the number one reason people seek kind of sex
therapy is support for issues ofsexual desire, particularly
mismatched desire in a relationship.
So people are very concerned with their levels of want for
sex, their levels of interest for sex.
And the research tells us that talking about sex and
communicating about sex can really protect our levels of
(08:32):
desire, meaning that it can helpus really cultivate a desire for
sex or a want for sex. So those three factors, So we've
got sexual communication, sexualdesire and sexual satisfaction,
they're all related, and they can really kind of protect each
other and help each other and make each of those factors
better. And in fact, this is like a
(08:52):
really fun fact for people with Volvers.
The research also showed that people with Volvers are more
likely to have more frequent orgasms and more intense orgasms
if their sexual communication was appraised to be really high
quality. So it's pretty like, it's pretty
motivating. It's pretty motivating, yeah.
And it's, it's like I find it now very like so much more
(09:12):
satisfying personally for myself, obviously when I
actually know speak up and really tell them how I like it
and what I desire in bed. But also I have got the feedback
now from them that they find it so hot when I am confident in
myself and actually tell them no, go a little bit like I like
(09:33):
it this way or I would love if you could do this.
Now they actually loving it. They're getting some direction
and they're getting feedback to it and they are really loving
how embodied and confident I am.So it's actually also I think
once we start opening up and getthis feedback from the partner
as well, it can actually help toreally enhance that even more
(09:55):
with that communication. What are some of the beginner
tips or what could you recommendto someone who is in that
position of I would love to get there and I know it's not going
to happen overnight, but how could I start?
What could I do to just like, yeah, ease into that
communication with my partner? Absolutely.
And I'm so glad you used the word ease in because I'm
(10:19):
wondering if people have a bit of an image of sexual
communication as being. I don't know what the picture is
that people have in their mind, but sometimes, sometimes I hear
from people that they imagine that it is communication about
sex acts, so like specific acts or positions or something like
that, when in fact that's actually a really small part of
(10:40):
sexual communication. And I think people also imagine
it as like quite a heavy the conversation, you know, like
sitting down with your partner, like turning the TV off, looking
at each other and be like, we need to talk about our sex life.
And I just, I'm just like, Oh mygosh, that makes me feel
anxious. Even just like saying to you, if
my partner came in and turned off the TV and was like, we need
(11:01):
to talk about our sex life, I'd be like, Oh my God, what's
coming? So I really wanna kind of shake
up this definition of sexual communication.
And I think that will help with this easing in topics.
The example that you just brought up, it's similar to
these checklists that you can get from King educators, coaches
out there. It's like, okay, if you want to
(11:22):
have this conversation, here's your checklist and you can go
through with your partner like, yes, maybe, or that's a heart
limit. And sometimes, and this is where
people start, they just take this big checklist and they're
like, all right, let's talk about it, let's go through it.
And that's confronting. And especially when you go
through like a big checklist andyou've never actually talked
openly about sex. And then you go straight into
(11:44):
all these. Yeah, so it's pegging on the
list or not. And are we gonna do this?
And are we gonna like, you know,am I gonna dominate you?
I'm. Am I gonna put you on the leash?
Yeah. Oh my, yeah.
Absolutely, absolutely. And that, that sounds
frightening. That sounds really anxiety
inducing, right? And it's really hard to engage
(12:06):
in a, in a really connective conversation if our nervous
system is kind of going haywire and we are scared and anxious
and that sort of thing. So actually my kind of first bit
of advice for easing in, particularly if this is a first
conversation or, or you haven't talked about sex with this
partner for a really long time. He's actually to remember that
this initial conversation is nota place where we're going to be
(12:28):
raising issues or solving problems.
And instead frame it as the first of an ongoing dialogue
where we're starting by simply looking for willingness and
openness. He's my partner kind of willing
to come on this journey. And so that can look like
something as simple as I listened to this podcast today
talking about sexual communication and I realized
(12:51):
that it's something we don't talk about.
And I feel a bit awkward here. I feel a bit awkward bringing it
up. But it occurs to me that I, I
care about you very much and I want us to both have really
great experiences of our sexuality for a long time to
come. What do you think?
Are you up? Are you up for us kind of even
if it's a bit orcs and we're a bit clunky, are you up for us
talking about it a bit more and exploring this a bit more?
(13:12):
And hopefully you get a a yes. And you go, OK, let's let's keep
that up then. So that's it.
That's it for that first conversation.
It's just checking for openness and willingness.
And it's really OK to acknowledge the awkwardness.
Like it's awkward. As I said, it's not a it's a
learnt skill. So the only way through is
practice, like any other skill we develop.
(13:34):
I love that approach to just really check in, where are you
currently at? Would you actually be open to
unwilling to have this conversation and see where your
partner is AT and then having that moment of separating?
And then you can both have some reflection on it, what you
actually want to talk about. And then you can come create a
plan, I guess to how you want tocome together and start talking
(13:56):
about it. Absolutely.
My other tip there, I mentioned in that example about like, hey,
I listen to this podcast today. The using of external resources
is a really lovely strategy to turn the heat down.
And you mentioned before, you know, worksheets like yes, no,
maybe list, there's obviously card games, there's podcasts,
there's shows like there's so many ways that shifts the
(14:19):
feeling. They're like in terms of
managing people's nervous systems.
In this conversation, it's totally different.
If I say to my partner, I want to talk to you about having a
threesome versus I see a threesome on a TV show or in a
movie and I turn to my partner and say, have you ever done
that? Like, or have you thought about
that or like, what do you, what do you think?
(14:40):
Have you ever wanted to? That is a totally different
feeling in my body and that's going to invite a lot more
openness. Are you ready to become the
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(15:46):
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I always bring this kind of similar scenario to the ones who
say I would love my partner to use sex toys.
I always suggest you could say you've either found one of my
reviews and you heard about thisamazing sex.
(16:07):
So that brings all these amazingorgasms and features and you
could ask your partner, what do you think about you know that
particular sex toy? Would you be open to explore it
or have you actually used toys and see where that partner is?
Because sometimes they don't even know if she or Hima or
whoever the partner has a box oftoys under the bed they're using
(16:29):
and you know, without the other partner knowing.
So it's just opening up that conversation of like, oh,
there's this lady with 300 toys.Wow, that's a lot of toys.
What's your perspective towards toys?
Like have you used them before or, you know, what do you think
about them? Would you like to explore them
just to have that conversation? Ready to turn up your pleasure
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You deserve it. And then I usually also suggest
(17:56):
to like separate to give each other space and then come back
again and have further communication about going a
little bit deeper. So you're not like, oh God, now
you're asking me where the otherpartner might have already
thought about that topic for a while, but the other partner has
never or haven't. So just giving them a little bit
of space. And I love the card games as
(18:17):
well. They are so fun.
Fun way to ask each other questions.
Absolutely. I love your kind of example
there too of having people explore the the conversation
initially, but also that's not where the conversation has to
end. You know, that encouragement to
like go away and think about it and come back together.
(18:39):
This is a really important pointabout sexual communication,
particularly if we're raising a desire is and as you said, the
person raising it's thought about it for a while before the
other person's invited into the conversation.
I think that's really important to keep in mind going into a
conversation like that isn't an exploration and an invitation
for exploration. It's not AI need an answer,
(19:02):
right. That is that is an unhelpful
frame. If it's I'd like to explore
using toys, for example, yes or no, Like are we are we doing
this or not? I don't think that that kind of
pressure is helpful. So that conversation is just a
yeah, I saw, you know, I saw this toy review and like, have
you used toys and what do you think?
And would you be interested in et cetera, et cetera.
(19:23):
OK, like I might go do some moreresearch and I'll like send you
some links and that. And so there isn't a, a weight
on the other person of like, I have to kind of catch up to
where you're at and provide an answer.
So thinking about our conversations, This is why
curiosity is so important, because curiosity creates
expansion and thinking about ourconversations about sex through
(19:45):
the frame of I want to expand our dialogue and open up.
And when we do things like create pressure for a yes or no
answer, we we close things down.It's the opposite of expansive.
We close things down and that isnot a great example of sexual
communication. I also find the environment is
(20:06):
very important. So obviously you don't want to
like do this. Why you get lunches ready for
the kids in the morning for school.
And it's like, hey, darling, youknow, I've read this article
about this research. Maybe later when the kids at
school we should try this and that.
Yeah, right. Yeah, for creating like a safer
(20:27):
space. And since I've done my Tantra
practitioner, I've really gone down that road to really include
more somatic practices and breath work or breath play how I
like to call it, to really get alittle bit more stepping into
our body space. And because it could be such a
mind thing of conversation, but actually knowing, like you've
(20:50):
already mentioned, the nervous system, we are much more
receptive when we are in a relaxed state of mind.
So if we can bring ourselves into some eye gazing and
connection with your partner before you actually start
opening that conversation can bealso yummy and delicious.
You can make it sexy. It doesn't have to be boring.
(21:11):
Yeah, absolutely. This is a really important point
actually, that all of everythingabout pleasure, as I'm sure that
you well know, occurs in a context, right?
It's a really broad context and I think considering context when
it comes to any kind of communication or conversation is
really key. So think, you know, read, read
the room, read the tone, your partner's energy, what they've
(21:36):
got left in the tank in terms ofhow they're feeling in
themselves, other competing demands and stresses, that kind
of thing. But on in addition to that, I
guess not, but just, and I thinkit's really important to
remember that sexual communication isn't a series of
heavy chats. When I said before that my
partner and I communicate sexually everyday, I understand
(21:59):
that people might hear that and go good God, like how do you
have the time? But actually what I'm referring
to is lots of incidental dialogue that looks like
flirtation, expressing, expressing desire for each
other, expressing attraction foreach other, looking forward to
something, reminiscing about a previous spicy memory, sharing a
(22:23):
toy or something that we want totry.
So it's not a let's talk about our sex life.
It might be that he walks into the room and he's talking and
I'm like, sorry, you look so hotright now.
Like, are you aware how good youlook right now?
Or it might be like, yeah. Or it might be like sending a,
you know, an article about some spicy new positions to try and
(22:44):
being like, we should try this one.
Have you ever done this one? And we're just engaging over
messages. Well, we're both at work just
briefly. But it's a really nice way to
still nurture that sexual part of our relationship and stay
sexually connected. So if and when the time comes
where we have to have a, you know, bigger conversation, we've
laid the foundation for sex being a safe space for us, a
(23:05):
safe topic for us, and that is really important groundwork.
I love that because the way you approach it like seeing
something texting, it's like, you see, I don't know, someone
has opened a new restaurant and you send that screenshot to your
to your partner's like, oh, new restaurant has opened up.
Maybe we should book dinner for that day.
Or you've got some really amazing meal in front of you and
(23:28):
you share that with your partnerand it's like, Oh my God, this
was just so delicious. We should come here next time
together. But that easy should like you
said with Oh yeah, this text position or I've just seen this
toy or just read this and then just send it to your partner.
It becomes so easy in light so and I love that that you also
just mentioned. It doesn't have to be this
(23:48):
series, just talk. There can also be nonverbal
forms like. Yeah.
Could you give some more examples around this?
How it can be like in a nonverbal form the
communication? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Because what we're talking abouthere is being in an erotic space
together. So it's expressing that I see my
partner as a desirable person. I might do things like get ready
(24:12):
in the morning. He goes to work much before me.
I often get ready and then sent him a selfie when I'm, like, in
my underwear getting ready, Right.
So all these things that show I still see you as my sexual
partner. Some other examples are the way
we send cues to each other aboutwhat we feel like we have a, we
have like a candle in our bedroom.
If one of us lights the candle, we know what that means, right?
(24:34):
We know that means we're saying like I want to be.
It does not mean I want to be clear.
It doesn't mean I'm up for necessarily like 3 hours of
acrobatic sex every night. It does mean I want to spend
some time with you in an erotic space together.
So we might do that and then just it might be late.
We're all tired. We've all got busy lives and
long days at work. It might just mean we want to
(24:56):
like be connected for a few minutes.
So it's not always these big productions, but it is about
engaging in an erotic way every single day.
Oh, we express admiration for each other.
Admiration is a wonderful predictor of relationship
success and sexual connectivity.So we genuinely admire and
(25:18):
appreciate each other. So when I say this, I'm talking
like he is my he's one of my biggest pipe fans on my
Instagram. You know, if I'm sharing
something on my business page, he's like sharing it on his
page. We're expressing this genuine,
like, I think you're great and that's really hot.
So these kinds of back to basic stuff that come much more easily
(25:39):
at the start of the relationshipand they can kind of pitter away
if we're not careful. Curious to see what real, raw
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(26:03):
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So there's spontaneous and there's responsive desire.
And for anyone listening, could you just explain the difference
and how that plays a role in communication with each other
about sex? Absolutely.
(26:49):
So spontaneous desire is what I think most people think of when
it comes to desire, which is that I am just going about my
day and I just might suddenly have the urge for something
sexual. I suddenly have like a sort of
horny thought or feeling and I'mlike, Oh yeah, I could like go
for some sex. Damn, I wish my partner was
here. That is not actually how a lot
(27:11):
of people experience their desire, and also it changes over
the lifespan anyway. So even if you've had that
experience before, your desire could change and it could become
more responsive. Responsive desire is desire that
shows up when it's got somethingto respond to, to show up for
when there is something happening.
Whether that's like the candles lit or like I get into bed, you
(27:34):
know, naked with my partner and like feel his skin or he touches
me in a certain way. Or I use a certain toy or I
maybe listen to porn or watch something sexy.
And then I'm like, uh, I wasn't really fast.
I hadn't thought about sex all day, but now I kind of feel like
it. Now I'm kind of responding.
And actually the rates of responsive desire are huge.
(27:54):
So I came across some research recently that said this research
is it's going to use gendered language.
So I'm going to use gendered language here.
It said that 75% of the time forwomen, desire is responsive, and
actually 45% of the time for mendesire is responsive.
So we may as well expect that we're going to experience our
(28:17):
desire responsively. This is really important for
sexual communication because youcan imagine how if we're not
kind of talking about these things and talking about what
kind of activates desire for us,it might be easy to assume it is
just gone. And this is this language we
hear, right? I've lost my sex drive, I've
(28:38):
lost my interest in sex. I have low desire.
And I'm talking to people about this everyday.
Like maybe your desires just being experienced differently in
your body now. And that's so OK.
But it does highlight the importance of, of communication
and of expressing interest and fondness for each other and
(28:59):
knowing what it is that generates interest in each
other. So this, this is a really
important piece to sexual communication for sure.
And not making assumptions, not making those assumptions that
just because I haven't really thought about sex today, that
that means I've lost my desire or I don't have desire.
It's just a different experienceof.
(29:19):
You might have just not been stimulated enough.
And especially as a single person, if you don't have a
partner who, you know, moves, moves in their their little
initiations, then you might haveless reactions to it because
you've got less of these signalsto you.
Yeah, I really find this really important and interesting for
(29:42):
people to understand that there's a difference.
And personally for myself, I think the only times I'm really
spontaneous, have a spontaneous desire is when I'm ovulating.
This is. Very common.
But other than that is usually then also like a responsive
desire or something triggers it and then I'm just like, Oh yeah,
(30:03):
right. So yeah, this is really, this is
really important. I know this could be like a
whole separate podcast, but whatI would say about this that is
really important is that it's easy to make assumptions about
ourselves and others if we don'tcommunicate.
And this was something I experienced early on in my own
(30:24):
relationship with my partner. Currently, his desire, I
certainly have consent to share about him.
Luckily, because I share about him very openly, his desire is
largely responsive. And at the start of our
relationship, I would often mistake that for lack of
interest and a rejection. And now that we've gotten to
know each other, we've communicated a lot more.
I understand a lot more about what's necessary for him to
(30:47):
access pleasure. And he's actually high, very
high desire. There's just some things that
his desire needs to show up for.There's some pleasure that needs
design is to show up for. So I know that now I know I can
unlock those cheat codes now that I know and activate that
pleasure for him, invite him into this pleasure space, which
(31:09):
is a really fun place to be. Thank you for highlighting that.
And I'm giving that example as well, and that it's actually
also. Yeah, that's amazing.
Love that. Thank you.
Where could people find you if they want to work with you?
Yeah, if anything has resonated for people today, I would love
to hear from you. Please reach out.
The best place to find me is probably on my website,
(31:30):
whichislauralee.com dot AU, or on my Instagram, which is Laura
Lee Sexology. I have a bunch of resources on
my website because I am so passionate about this
information reaching people. But I really understand that
therapy is not ongoing. Therapy is not really accessible
or suitable for everyone. So I've been thinking about what
are some other ways I can and reach people.
(31:52):
So there's lots of different ways to work with me, so please
reach out. Yeah, I highly suggest you do
what is one of your favorite like pleasure product item,
Something that brings you a lot of.
Pleasure. So I thought that you might ask
me this. I have one here.
Can I show you? Can I show you?
Yeah. So this this is my favorite.
(32:14):
I have a lot of toys. Not as many as people and.
This is like this is. Like my favorite.
So this is the Dyer feather. Are you familiar with the
feather? This is the.
Oh, I haven't seen that one. Beautiful, beautiful box.
It is the softest, softest silicon and it's got three.
I won't turn it on, but it's gota few vibration settings, but
(32:35):
it's this beautiful soft feather.
So it's perfect for like external play.
I love this because sometimes like all of us, sometimes I'm
like in my head, it takes me some time to get into my body
and get into into the mood. This is when I talked before
about unlocking my partner's like cheat codes.
This is his cheat code for me. He knows that like running this
(32:59):
all over my body, all over my other erogenous zones, inside my
arm, down my neck, over my breasts, down my legs is really
grounding. It's the most.
It is like like I said, it's a cheat code.
It grounds me in the moment so beautifully.
The sensation is so lovely to, to concentrate on.
(33:21):
It's a really like pleasurable sensation, a really lovely like
introductory toy too because as I said, it's just for external
use and obviously it's for all bodies.
So he also enjoys this toy as well.
It's for all people, all bodies.And I just, I love it.
I love it. Look at me like hugging.
It I'm probably going to have toget my hands on that one.
(33:42):
Yes, it's my toolbox. Good, good.
It's my favorite. I love sensation play exactly
for that reason of yeah, anything that like a pinwheel or
I've got these vampire gloves that have got like these spikes
in there that you can like just like slide stretches or you can
like do like grips with it or feathers or even just kind of
(34:06):
like different kind of impact tools that you can even just run
over the skin putting on a blindfold.
Absolutely. I'm there.
I'm that's it. Yeah, that's.
Just it, it gets me why it gets me all going.
Yeah, I'm with you, I'm with you.
I love the sensory focus. It's so lovely and grounding and
I feel my most embodied my most in the moment with that.
(34:28):
Same can you. Do you have like a favorite book
or a recommendation for book that's in the pleasure field?
Easily hands down the best nonfiction sex related book I've
ever read is Come Together by Emily Nagoski.
Hands down my most favorite, my most practical.
(34:50):
I use it every day in my practice, but also in my own
relationships because it talks about some of what we've talked
about today. This Yeah.
The context within which this has to occur.
No one is spending their day, you know, disconnected,
disembodied Latin and then falling into bed and having
three hours of hot sex. That's not what we do.
(35:11):
So this idea of, like, cultivating pleasure and
connection and desire and all ofthis stuff during the day as
this like, flowing fluid processis, is such a helpful frame to
have. So yeah, that's my fave.
Oh yeah, I love that one too. I've got that one and lots of
other really good ones. And I'm writing my own book
(35:32):
right right now. I've been following online.
I'm so excited for you. Oh, it's been 10 days off, the
30 days challenge that I set myself and I've got 16,800 words
down and it just flows out. It's just, it just wants to be
out and be shared. I'm including pleasure practices
(35:53):
with each chapter and general prompts.
So I'm like getting into the body mind, soul and body man and
just it's just unlocks and winesthe pleasure of potential.
I can't wait for everyone to have it.
I can't wait to read it sounds amazing.
Congratulations. That's that is really exciting
to hear how it's just flowing out too.
Yeah, it has been like it has been in the back for a while,
(36:15):
for a few years, and it's only now that I'm.
If you're ready and it just pours out.
It's just amazing. That's wonderful, wonderful.
Thank you. What is your well one of your #1
tips for pleasure? I think my #1 tip, actually, I'm
just reflecting on my own experience.
It's making me come to watching that self talk, like those
(36:39):
scripts we have running in the background.
So noticing those and really starting to explore what are the
things that might be getting in the way of my pleasure and how
can I kind of rewrite some of these scripts that I've maybe
had running in the background for a really long time.
You know, one of mine was, I talked before about taking up
space. One of my groups that really got
(37:02):
in the way of my pleasure was I take too long to orgasm, right?
I just had this strong belief I take too long, I'm a burden, I'm
annoying for my partners. They, they're sick of me.
All of these kinds of stories that were not true, and once I
became aware, I wasn't even aware of that script for most of
my adult life. Once I became aware of it and I
could tackle it, it freed me up to access pleasure that I didn't
(37:26):
even know I was being prevented from accessing.
So my #1 tip for pleasure is really to kind of firstly
examine what might be getting inthe way, tackle that, get rid of
it. Thank you for sharing and thank
you so much for coming onto the podcast, Love.
Having you. I loved having this chat with
you. Me too, me too.
(37:48):
It's been my absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for tuning
into this pleasure LED episode. I would love it if you could
share this episode along with your loved ones and also make
sure you follow and subscribe tomy channel so you don't miss out
on any future episodes. And if you haven't rated or
reviewed the Polish LED podcast yet, it might be time to do this
(38:10):
now. I will see you or hear you at
one of my next episodes. With love and pleasure.
Welcome to the pleasure lit podcast, a podcast to inspire
and empower you on your pleasurejourney.
Hi, I am Pleasure Lit Patricia, your trusted, multi
award-winning and certified pleasure educator and creator,
guiding you on your journey to awaken deep and widen and
(00:25):
embrace your pleasure potential through apologetic self love,
empowered exploration, embodied self-care, nourishing
connections and relationships, and conscious King, BDSM, Tantra
(00:46):
and so many other delicious pleasure practices.
Let's be and live the pleasure lit way before we're going to
get into this podcast episode. I would love it if you could
screenshot this podcast episode,share it onto your social
medias, and then tag me and the guest speaker in this with your
(01:07):
take away message from this episode so we know what you have
learned through this and we can share your love.
Thank you so much. And today I've got a beautiful
guest speaker with me, which is Lauren.
She's a psychologist and sexologist with over 17 years
experience in clinical practice and coaching.
(01:28):
She's the director of Blue SpacePsychology where she helps
individuals with their mental and sexual well-being.
Welcome to the podcast. Thank you.
It's such a pleasure to be here.Thank you for having me.
We usually ask a couple starter questions just so we can get to
know you. Where are you currently at on
your pleasure journey? What a great question I am in my
(01:54):
like taking up space era. This is a a topic I know I love
it. This is a topic I am super
passionate about. I talk to my clients, I work
with a lot of women and women identifying people and I this
topic of like being allowed to take up space comes up in my
clinical practice every day. So taking up space for me in my
(02:16):
pleasure journey looks like being patient with myself and
asking and taking and receiving and and all those good things.
All the good things, I love themso much for you.
Thank you. What is something that brings
you a lot of pleasure? Something that brings me a lot
(02:36):
of pleasure is in my current relationship, we have really
made a concerted effort to nurture the sexual and erotic
part of our relationship on a daily basis.
And that gives me a lot of pleasure because I find that,
well, number one, that's super fun, right?
So that's really fun. But #2 it really flows into all
(02:58):
these areas of my life in terms of kind of a sense of vibrancy
and vitality that I noticed shows up for me when I'm able to
kind of nurture these parts of my relationship.
So that is giving me a lot of pleasure at the moment.
Sounds amazing. I would love to talk with you
about how to talk about sex withyour partners in the bedroom
(03:19):
because I've gone through this transformation myself.
So I've been a people play them.I have said yes to things I
wanted to say no to. I have not spoken up what I
actually desire. I had partners where they
eventually did at some stage askme, like, what do you want from
me now? And I'm like, yeah, whatever you
want or like, you know, just to go along with it or, you know,
(03:42):
couldn't speak up, couldn't really set my healthy boundaries
or speak up my desires. And now to becoming such an
embodied pleasure, a woman who'sso confident and really asking
for what she needs and wants andreclaiming my pleasure and
setting healthy boundaries. And especially because a lot of
people who are following me or getting to know me, then
(04:04):
eventually meeting me, they're like, Oh my God, you're talking
about the things that I can't even talk at home to my partner.
And you talk about this on social media like it's
breakfast. And I'm.
I'm just like, yeah, this has been a huge step, a huge
transformation. And there are so many women, but
also men who reached them out tome and asked, how do you do it?
(04:27):
I just can't talk openly about it.
So This is why I would love to chat with you about that topic.
And I think we could start with what I like some common
blockages around why are they not communicating in a
partnership about sex? Absolutely.
I've really appreciate you sharing your experience.
I mean, that is my experience too.
I've spent most of my adult life, I'm in my 40s now, and I
(04:51):
spent most of my adult life having sex, but not talking
about the sex that I was having.That's very common.
Certainly. It is really a very fraught
topic for people. It feels really high stakes.
So some of the common blockages are the the level of risk that
(05:12):
we appraise when it comes to talking about sex.
Sex is high stakes. It has the potential to activate
shame, to be judged, to be rejected, to be abandoned, to be
hurt, to hurt this person I careabout.
Like it feels like a minefield in terms of the risks involved.
And then I overlay that with thefact that we still live in a
(05:34):
really sex negative culture. None of us are taught how to
talk about sex. And in fact, a lot of people
were actively discouraged. I have memories of being
actively discouraged from talking about sex growing up.
So I overlay all my fears about being judged and rejected with
the fact that it's definitely not a skill I've ever been
(05:54):
actively taught and didn't really have the opportunity to
learn about and practice. And most of us just started
having sex without being taught how to talk about it.
So there are a number of blockers here.
Now, I mentioned I mentioned shame.
And I'm going to say that in my clinical experience, this is
probably one of the most significant challenges for
(06:17):
people. Like shame is our shame is our
like really tender spots, you know, like our most painful kind
of bruises, those parts of ourselves that say we are not
good enough or not okay as we are or defective in some way.
And we've all got shame parts ofourselves, but a lot of people
have shame stuff when it comes to sex, and the risk of that
(06:40):
being activated is so great, so significant and so deeply
painful. I can really understand why
people would rather just avoid that.
That feels high risk. I get a lot of people reaching
out and then saying they actually are ashamed of.
I can't really like say that this is my desire or my fantasy
or that I've got this fetish or that I want to try this king.
(07:02):
Some of the men that reach out and ask how can I get my partner
to try pleasure toys and tots for example, which I always can
say like you can't like manipulate anyone to any to do
anything but you can have an urban honest communication.
Why is communication so important though within that
relationship about sex? Yeah, so communication about sex
(07:26):
is really important for a coupleof key reasons.
I actually did some research on this last year.
I had a paper published last year and the research told us
that sex, when it comes to sexual communication, rather it
is one of the biggest predictorsof two things.
It is a really big predictor of sexual satisfaction.
(07:47):
So how effectively I appraise mysexual communication with my
partner or partners, he's going to directly correlate to how
satisfied I am with the sex thatI'm having.
And it's also, this is so interesting to me.
Sexual communication also has a really strong protective
function for desire. And as you probably know, people
are very concerned about their levels of sexual desire.
(08:10):
It's the still the number one reason people seek kind of sex
therapy is support for issues ofsexual desire, particularly
mismatched desire in a relationship.
So people are very concerned with their levels of want for
sex, their levels of interest for sex.
And the research tells us that talking about sex and
communicating about sex can really protect our levels of
(08:32):
desire, meaning that it can helpus really cultivate a desire for
sex or a want for sex. So those three factors, So we've
got sexual communication, sexualdesire and sexual satisfaction,
they're all related, and they can really kind of protect each
other and help each other and make each of those factors
better. And in fact, this is like a
(08:52):
really fun fact for people with Volvers.
The research also showed that people with Volvers are more
likely to have more frequent orgasms and more intense orgasms
if their sexual communication was appraised to be really high
quality. So it's pretty like, it's pretty
motivating. It's pretty motivating, yeah.
And it's, it's like I find it now very like so much more
(09:12):
satisfying personally for myself, obviously when I
actually know speak up and really tell them how I like it
and what I desire in bed. But also I have got the feedback
now from them that they find it so hot when I am confident in
myself and actually tell them no, go a little bit like I like
(09:33):
it this way or I would love if you could do this.
Now they actually loving it. They're getting some direction
and they're getting feedback to it and they are really loving
how embodied and confident I am.So it's actually also I think
once we start opening up and getthis feedback from the partner
as well, it can actually help toreally enhance that even more
(09:55):
with that communication. What are some of the beginner
tips or what could you recommendto someone who is in that
position of I would love to get there and I know it's not going
to happen overnight, but how could I start?
What could I do to just like, yeah, ease into that
communication with my partner? Absolutely.
And I'm so glad you used the word ease in because I'm
(10:19):
wondering if people have a bit of an image of sexual
communication as being. I don't know what the picture is
that people have in their mind, but sometimes, sometimes I hear
from people that they imagine that it is communication about
sex acts, so like specific acts or positions or something like
that, when in fact that's actually a really small part of
(10:40):
sexual communication. And I think people also imagine
it as like quite a heavy the conversation, you know, like
sitting down with your partner, like turning the TV off, looking
at each other and be like, we need to talk about our sex life.
And I just, I'm just like, Oh mygosh, that makes me feel
anxious. Even just like saying to you, if
my partner came in and turned off the TV and was like, we need
(11:01):
to talk about our sex life, I'd be like, Oh my God, what's
coming? So I really wanna kind of shake
up this definition of sexual communication.
And I think that will help with this easing in topics.
The example that you just brought up, it's similar to
these checklists that you can get from King educators, coaches
out there. It's like, okay, if you want to
(11:22):
have this conversation, here's your checklist and you can go
through with your partner like, yes, maybe, or that's a heart
limit. And sometimes, and this is where
people start, they just take this big checklist and they're
like, all right, let's talk about it, let's go through it.
And that's confronting. And especially when you go
through like a big checklist andyou've never actually talked
openly about sex. And then you go straight into
(11:44):
all these. Yeah, so it's pegging on the
list or not. And are we gonna do this?
And are we gonna like, you know,am I gonna dominate you?
I'm. Am I gonna put you on the leash?
Yeah. Oh my, yeah.
Absolutely, absolutely. And that, that sounds
frightening. That sounds really anxiety
inducing, right? And it's really hard to engage
(12:06):
in a, in a really connective conversation if our nervous
system is kind of going haywire and we are scared and anxious
and that sort of thing. So actually my kind of first bit
of advice for easing in, particularly if this is a first
conversation or, or you haven't talked about sex with this
partner for a really long time. He's actually to remember that
this initial conversation is nota place where we're going to be
(12:28):
raising issues or solving problems.
And instead frame it as the first of an ongoing dialogue
where we're starting by simply looking for willingness and
openness. He's my partner kind of willing
to come on this journey. And so that can look like
something as simple as I listened to this podcast today
talking about sexual communication and I realized
(12:51):
that it's something we don't talk about.
And I feel a bit awkward here. I feel a bit awkward bringing it
up. But it occurs to me that I, I
care about you very much and I want us to both have really
great experiences of our sexuality for a long time to
come. What do you think?
Are you up? Are you up for us kind of even
if it's a bit orcs and we're a bit clunky, are you up for us
talking about it a bit more and exploring this a bit more?
(13:12):
And hopefully you get a a yes. And you go, OK, let's let's keep
that up then. So that's it.
That's it for that first conversation.
It's just checking for openness and willingness.
And it's really OK to acknowledge the awkwardness.
Like it's awkward. As I said, it's not a it's a
learnt skill. So the only way through is
practice, like any other skill we develop.
(13:34):
I love that approach to just really check in, where are you
currently at? Would you actually be open to
unwilling to have this conversation and see where your
partner is AT and then having that moment of separating?
And then you can both have some reflection on it, what you
actually want to talk about. And then you can come create a
plan, I guess to how you want tocome together and start talking
(13:56):
about it. Absolutely.
My other tip there, I mentioned in that example about like, hey,
I listen to this podcast today. The using of external resources
is a really lovely strategy to turn the heat down.
And you mentioned before, you know, worksheets like yes, no,
maybe list, there's obviously card games, there's podcasts,
there's shows like there's so many ways that shifts the
(14:19):
feeling. They're like in terms of
managing people's nervous systems.
In this conversation, it's totally different.
If I say to my partner, I want to talk to you about having a
threesome versus I see a threesome on a TV show or in a
movie and I turn to my partner and say, have you ever done
that? Like, or have you thought about
that or like, what do you, what do you think?
(14:40):
Have you ever wanted to? That is a totally different
feeling in my body and that's going to invite a lot more
openness. Are you ready to become the
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hadtopleasurelit.com and let's be and live the pleasurelit way.
I always bring this kind of similar scenario to the ones who
say I would love my partner to use sex toys.
I always suggest you could say you've either found one of my
reviews and you heard about thisamazing sex.
(16:07):
So that brings all these amazingorgasms and features and you
could ask your partner, what do you think about you know that
particular sex toy? Would you be open to explore it
or have you actually used toys and see where that partner is?
Because sometimes they don't even know if she or Hima or
whoever the partner has a box oftoys under the bed they're using
(16:29):
and you know, without the other partner knowing.
So it's just opening up that conversation of like, oh,
there's this lady with 300 toys.Wow, that's a lot of toys.
What's your perspective towards toys?
Like have you used them before or, you know, what do you think
about them? Would you like to explore them
just to have that conversation? Ready to turn up your pleasure
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You deserve it. And then I usually also suggest
(17:56):
to like separate to give each other space and then come back
again and have further communication about going a
little bit deeper. So you're not like, oh God, now
you're asking me where the otherpartner might have already
thought about that topic for a while, but the other partner has
never or haven't. So just giving them a little bit
of space. And I love the card games as
(18:17):
well. They are so fun.
Fun way to ask each other questions.
Absolutely. I love your kind of example
there too of having people explore the the conversation
initially, but also that's not where the conversation has to
end. You know, that encouragement to
like go away and think about it and come back together.
(18:39):
This is a really important pointabout sexual communication,
particularly if we're raising a desire is and as you said, the
person raising it's thought about it for a while before the
other person's invited into the conversation.
I think that's really important to keep in mind going into a
conversation like that isn't an exploration and an invitation
for exploration. It's not AI need an answer,
(19:02):
right. That is that is an unhelpful
frame. If it's I'd like to explore
using toys, for example, yes or no, Like are we are we doing
this or not? I don't think that that kind of
pressure is helpful. So that conversation is just a
yeah, I saw, you know, I saw this toy review and like, have
you used toys and what do you think?
And would you be interested in et cetera, et cetera.
(19:23):
OK, like I might go do some moreresearch and I'll like send you
some links and that. And so there isn't a, a weight
on the other person of like, I have to kind of catch up to
where you're at and provide an answer.
So thinking about our conversations, This is why
curiosity is so important, because curiosity creates
expansion and thinking about ourconversations about sex through
(19:45):
the frame of I want to expand our dialogue and open up.
And when we do things like create pressure for a yes or no
answer, we we close things down.It's the opposite of expansive.
We close things down and that isnot a great example of sexual
communication. I also find the environment is
(20:06):
very important. So obviously you don't want to
like do this. Why you get lunches ready for
the kids in the morning for school.
And it's like, hey, darling, youknow, I've read this article
about this research. Maybe later when the kids at
school we should try this and that.
Yeah, right. Yeah, for creating like a safer
(20:27):
space. And since I've done my Tantra
practitioner, I've really gone down that road to really include
more somatic practices and breath work or breath play how I
like to call it, to really get alittle bit more stepping into
our body space. And because it could be such a
mind thing of conversation, but actually knowing, like you've
(20:50):
already mentioned, the nervous system, we are much more
receptive when we are in a relaxed state of mind.
So if we can bring ourselves into some eye gazing and
connection with your partner before you actually start
opening that conversation can bealso yummy and delicious.
You can make it sexy. It doesn't have to be boring.
(21:11):
Yeah, absolutely. This is a really important point
actually, that all of everythingabout pleasure, as I'm sure that
you well know, occurs in a context, right?
It's a really broad context and I think considering context when
it comes to any kind of communication or conversation is
really key. So think, you know, read, read
the room, read the tone, your partner's energy, what they've
(21:36):
got left in the tank in terms ofhow they're feeling in
themselves, other competing demands and stresses, that kind
of thing. But on in addition to that, I
guess not, but just, and I thinkit's really important to
remember that sexual communication isn't a series of
heavy chats. When I said before that my
partner and I communicate sexually everyday, I understand
(21:59):
that people might hear that and go good God, like how do you
have the time? But actually what I'm referring
to is lots of incidental dialogue that looks like
flirtation, expressing, expressing desire for each
other, expressing attraction foreach other, looking forward to
something, reminiscing about a previous spicy memory, sharing a
(22:23):
toy or something that we want totry.
So it's not a let's talk about our sex life.
It might be that he walks into the room and he's talking and
I'm like, sorry, you look so hotright now.
Like, are you aware how good youlook right now?
Or it might be like, yeah. Or it might be like sending a,
you know, an article about some spicy new positions to try and
(22:44):
being like, we should try this one.
Have you ever done this one? And we're just engaging over
messages. Well, we're both at work just
briefly. But it's a really nice way to
still nurture that sexual part of our relationship and stay
sexually connected. So if and when the time comes
where we have to have a, you know, bigger conversation, we've
laid the foundation for sex being a safe space for us, a
(23:05):
safe topic for us, and that is really important groundwork.
I love that because the way you approach it like seeing
something texting, it's like, you see, I don't know, someone
has opened a new restaurant and you send that screenshot to your
to your partner's like, oh, new restaurant has opened up.
Maybe we should book dinner for that day.
Or you've got some really amazing meal in front of you and
(23:28):
you share that with your partnerand it's like, Oh my God, this
was just so delicious. We should come here next time
together. But that easy should like you
said with Oh yeah, this text position or I've just seen this
toy or just read this and then just send it to your partner.
It becomes so easy in light so and I love that that you also
just mentioned. It doesn't have to be this
(23:48):
series, just talk. There can also be nonverbal
forms like. Yeah.
Could you give some more examples around this?
How it can be like in a nonverbal form the
communication? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Because what we're talking abouthere is being in an erotic space
together. So it's expressing that I see my
partner as a desirable person. I might do things like get ready
(24:12):
in the morning. He goes to work much before me.
I often get ready and then sent him a selfie when I'm, like, in
my underwear getting ready, Right.
So all these things that show I still see you as my sexual
partner. Some other examples are the way
we send cues to each other aboutwhat we feel like we have a, we
have like a candle in our bedroom.
If one of us lights the candle, we know what that means, right?
(24:34):
We know that means we're saying like I want to be.
It does not mean I want to be clear.
It doesn't mean I'm up for necessarily like 3 hours of
acrobatic sex every night. It does mean I want to spend
some time with you in an erotic space together.
So we might do that and then just it might be late.
We're all tired. We've all got busy lives and
long days at work. It might just mean we want to
(24:56):
like be connected for a few minutes.
So it's not always these big productions, but it is about
engaging in an erotic way every single day.
Oh, we express admiration for each other.
Admiration is a wonderful predictor of relationship
success and sexual connectivity.So we genuinely admire and
(25:18):
appreciate each other. So when I say this, I'm talking
like he is my he's one of my biggest pipe fans on my
Instagram. You know, if I'm sharing
something on my business page, he's like sharing it on his
page. We're expressing this genuine,
like, I think you're great and that's really hot.
So these kinds of back to basic stuff that come much more easily
(25:39):
at the start of the relationshipand they can kind of pitter away
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So there's spontaneous and there's responsive desire.
And for anyone listening, could you just explain the difference
and how that plays a role in communication with each other
about sex? Absolutely.
(26:49):
So spontaneous desire is what I think most people think of when
it comes to desire, which is that I am just going about my
day and I just might suddenly have the urge for something
sexual. I suddenly have like a sort of
horny thought or feeling and I'mlike, Oh yeah, I could like go
for some sex. Damn, I wish my partner was
here. That is not actually how a lot
(27:11):
of people experience their desire, and also it changes over
the lifespan anyway. So even if you've had that
experience before, your desire could change and it could become
more responsive. Responsive desire is desire that
shows up when it's got somethingto respond to, to show up for
when there is something happening.
Whether that's like the candles lit or like I get into bed, you
(27:34):
know, naked with my partner and like feel his skin or he touches
me in a certain way. Or I use a certain toy or I
maybe listen to porn or watch something sexy.
And then I'm like, uh, I wasn't really fast.
I hadn't thought about sex all day, but now I kind of feel like
it. Now I'm kind of responding.
And actually the rates of responsive desire are huge.
(27:54):
So I came across some research recently that said this research
is it's going to use gendered language.
So I'm going to use gendered language here.
It said that 75% of the time forwomen, desire is responsive, and
actually 45% of the time for mendesire is responsive.
So we may as well expect that we're going to experience our
(28:17):
desire responsively. This is really important for
sexual communication because youcan imagine how if we're not
kind of talking about these things and talking about what
kind of activates desire for us,it might be easy to assume it is
just gone. And this is this language we
hear, right? I've lost my sex drive, I've
(28:38):
lost my interest in sex. I have low desire.
And I'm talking to people about this everyday.
Like maybe your desires just being experienced differently in
your body now. And that's so OK.
But it does highlight the importance of, of communication
and of expressing interest and fondness for each other and
(28:59):
knowing what it is that generates interest in each
other. So this, this is a really
important piece to sexual communication for sure.
And not making assumptions, not making those assumptions that
just because I haven't really thought about sex today, that
that means I've lost my desire or I don't have desire.
It's just a different experienceof.
(29:19):
You might have just not been stimulated enough.
And especially as a single person, if you don't have a
partner who, you know, moves, moves in their their little
initiations, then you might haveless reactions to it because
you've got less of these signalsto you.
Yeah, I really find this really important and interesting for
(29:42):
people to understand that there's a difference.
And personally for myself, I think the only times I'm really
spontaneous, have a spontaneous desire is when I'm ovulating.
This is. Very common.
But other than that is usually then also like a responsive
desire or something triggers it and then I'm just like, Oh yeah,
(30:03):
right. So yeah, this is really, this is
really important. I know this could be like a
whole separate podcast, but whatI would say about this that is
really important is that it's easy to make assumptions about
ourselves and others if we don'tcommunicate.
And this was something I experienced early on in my own
(30:24):
relationship with my partner. Currently, his desire, I
certainly have consent to share about him.
Luckily, because I share about him very openly, his desire is
largely responsive. And at the start of our
relationship, I would often mistake that for lack of
interest and a rejection. And now that we've gotten to
know each other, we've communicated a lot more.
I understand a lot more about what's necessary for him to
(30:47):
access pleasure. And he's actually high, very
high desire. There's just some things that
his desire needs to show up for.There's some pleasure that needs
design is to show up for. So I know that now I know I can
unlock those cheat codes now that I know and activate that
pleasure for him, invite him into this pleasure space, which
(31:09):
is a really fun place to be. Thank you for highlighting that.
And I'm giving that example as well, and that it's actually
also. Yeah, that's amazing.
Love that. Thank you.
Where could people find you if they want to work with you?
Yeah, if anything has resonated for people today, I would love
to hear from you. Please reach out.
The best place to find me is probably on my website,
(31:30):
whichislauralee.com dot AU, or on my Instagram, which is Laura
Lee Sexology. I have a bunch of resources on
my website because I am so passionate about this
information reaching people. But I really understand that
therapy is not ongoing. Therapy is not really accessible
or suitable for everyone. So I've been thinking about what
are some other ways I can and reach people.
(31:52):
So there's lots of different ways to work with me, so please
reach out. Yeah, I highly suggest you do
what is one of your favorite like pleasure product item,
Something that brings you a lot of.
Pleasure. So I thought that you might ask
me this. I have one here.
Can I show you? Can I show you?
Yeah. So this this is my favorite.
(32:14):
I have a lot of toys. Not as many as people and.
This is like this is. Like my favorite.
So this is the Dyer feather. Are you familiar with the
feather? This is the.
Oh, I haven't seen that one. Beautiful, beautiful box.
It is the softest, softest silicon and it's got three.
I won't turn it on, but it's gota few vibration settings, but
(32:35):
it's this beautiful soft feather.
So it's perfect for like external play.
I love this because sometimes like all of us, sometimes I'm
like in my head, it takes me some time to get into my body
and get into into the mood. This is when I talked before
about unlocking my partner's like cheat codes.
This is his cheat code for me. He knows that like running this
(32:59):
all over my body, all over my other erogenous zones, inside my
arm, down my neck, over my breasts, down my legs is really
grounding. It's the most.
It is like like I said, it's a cheat code.
It grounds me in the moment so beautifully.
The sensation is so lovely to, to concentrate on.
(33:21):
It's a really like pleasurable sensation, a really lovely like
introductory toy too because as I said, it's just for external
use and obviously it's for all bodies.
So he also enjoys this toy as well.
It's for all people, all bodies.And I just, I love it.
I love it. Look at me like hugging.
It I'm probably going to have toget my hands on that one.
(33:42):
Yes, it's my toolbox. Good, good.
It's my favorite. I love sensation play exactly
for that reason of yeah, anything that like a pinwheel or
I've got these vampire gloves that have got like these spikes
in there that you can like just like slide stretches or you can
like do like grips with it or feathers or even just kind of
(34:06):
like different kind of impact tools that you can even just run
over the skin putting on a blindfold.
Absolutely. I'm there.
I'm that's it. Yeah, that's.
Just it, it gets me why it gets me all going.
Yeah, I'm with you, I'm with you.
I love the sensory focus. It's so lovely and grounding and
I feel my most embodied my most in the moment with that.
(34:28):
Same can you. Do you have like a favorite book
or a recommendation for book that's in the pleasure field?
Easily hands down the best nonfiction sex related book I've
ever read is Come Together by Emily Nagoski.
Hands down my most favorite, my most practical.
(34:50):
I use it every day in my practice, but also in my own
relationships because it talks about some of what we've talked
about today. This Yeah.
The context within which this has to occur.
No one is spending their day, you know, disconnected,
disembodied Latin and then falling into bed and having
three hours of hot sex. That's not what we do.
(35:11):
So this idea of, like, cultivating pleasure and
connection and desire and all ofthis stuff during the day as
this like, flowing fluid processis, is such a helpful frame to
have. So yeah, that's my fave.
Oh yeah, I love that one too. I've got that one and lots of
other really good ones. And I'm writing my own book
(35:32):
right right now. I've been following online.
I'm so excited for you. Oh, it's been 10 days off, the
30 days challenge that I set myself and I've got 16,800 words
down and it just flows out. It's just, it just wants to be
out and be shared. I'm including pleasure practices
(35:53):
with each chapter and general prompts.
So I'm like getting into the body mind, soul and body man and
just it's just unlocks and winesthe pleasure of potential.
I can't wait for everyone to have it.
I can't wait to read it sounds amazing.
Congratulations. That's that is really exciting
to hear how it's just flowing out too.
Yeah, it has been like it has been in the back for a while,
(36:15):
for a few years, and it's only now that I'm.
If you're ready and it just pours out.
It's just amazing. That's wonderful, wonderful.
Thank you. What is your well one of your #1
tips for pleasure? I think my #1 tip, actually, I'm
just reflecting on my own experience.
It's making me come to watching that self talk, like those
(36:39):
scripts we have running in the background.
So noticing those and really starting to explore what are the
things that might be getting in the way of my pleasure and how
can I kind of rewrite some of these scripts that I've maybe
had running in the background for a really long time.
You know, one of mine was, I talked before about taking up
space. One of my groups that really got
(37:02):
in the way of my pleasure was I take too long to orgasm, right?
I just had this strong belief I take too long, I'm a burden, I'm
annoying for my partners. They, they're sick of me.
All of these kinds of stories that were not true, and once I
became aware, I wasn't even aware of that script for most of
my adult life. Once I became aware of it and I
could tackle it, it freed me up to access pleasure that I didn't
(37:26):
even know I was being prevented from accessing.
So my #1 tip for pleasure is really to kind of firstly
examine what might be getting inthe way, tackle that, get rid of
it. Thank you for sharing and thank
you so much for coming onto the podcast, Love.
Having you. I loved having this chat with
you. Me too, me too.
(37:48):
It's been my absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for tuning
into this pleasure LED episode. I would love it if you could
share this episode along with your loved ones and also make
sure you follow and subscribe tomy channel so you don't miss out
on any future episodes. And if you haven't rated or
reviewed the Polish LED podcast yet, it might be time to do this
(38:10):
now. I will see you or hear you at
one of my next episodes. With love and pleasure.
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