December 16, 2025 • 43 mins
On this episode I’m joined by Zoey Charif — author of Love Can, In Fact, Be Calculated — a woman who’s redefining what it means to understand love, self-worth, and the choices we make in relationships.
With a background in criminology and data analytics, Zoey spent nearly two decades decoding the patterns of attraction and human behavior. Her work reminds us that love isn’t luck or magic — it’s math, psychology, and self-mastery.
In this conversation, we dive into how to rebuild self-trust after heartbreak, why confidence is the foundation of every healthy connection, and how to raise your own standards — and finally live by them.
Follow Zoey: @zoeycharif |
Learn more: www.lovecaninfactbecalculated.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to The Rewrite, a podcast about divorce, choice and
new beginnings. I'm your host Wendy Sloan, former TV producer,
mom of two and one sweet golden retriever. This is
a space for real talk about the moments that break us,
the choices that define us, and the power we have
to begin again. You'll hear personal stories, heartfelt insights, and
(00:22):
honest conversations about healing relationships and reclaiming your life one
choice at a time. I'll be joined by experts in divorce, finance,
mental health, wellness and more and everything you need to
support your next chapter. The most powerful chapters might be
the ones you write next. Let's begin your rewrite together.
This episode is brought to in part by the Needle
(00:44):
Kuda Law Firm guidance that moves lives forward. I'm so
excited for my guest today. Welcome back to the Rewrite.
I'm your host Wendy Sloan, and my guest today isn't
just redefining how we think, she's giving us a blueprint
for it. The author of love can in fact calculated,
and yes it can be now.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
I know that for a fact.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
She spent nearly two decades decoding the patterns of human attraction,
and a relentless drive to challenge everything we've been taught
about relationships. Her work a wake up call. Love isn't magic.
I'm going to hear all about that. Welcome to my show,
Zoe Sharif.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Did I say it right?
Speaker 3 (01:20):
Chari? Thank you so much for having me. I'm so
excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Okay, You're just as beautiful as this book that you wrote.
Loves can in fact be calculated?
Speaker 2 (01:29):
What a great title.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
Thank you, Thank you so much. You know that was
actually the last sentence of the preface. And I think
initially I called the book the Love Formula mathematical perspective
of love and relationships, and that last sentence of the preference,
love can in fact be calculated. That just stuck with
so many people, that redded and you know, edited. So
(01:52):
I'm like, you know what if I made that the title?
And here we are.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
So well done, well done. There's so much to dive into.
This might take twelve hours. But so love isn't magic,
then what is it?
Speaker 3 (02:07):
It's just calculations. It's about the mind, it's about checkboxes
on steroids, and honestly, it's about numbers. It's just about
measuring self worth and standards and measuring whether someone fits
your standards. Now, of course, standards are all subjective. You'll
have different standards to me right, But beyond that, you'll
(02:28):
also evaluate yourself in a different way. So, if, for example,
you evaluate yourself as at a seventy percent, you will
not fall in love with someone or want to match
with someone below seventy percent. The mind is not wired
in that way. The human brain, because of our instinct
to evolve and to create strong offsprings, the brain is
(02:51):
wired to match with either someone who's a true match
or someone who's higher. So the brain will automatically turn
off if they don't meet your standards, whatever those standards
may be. We all have our different set of standards.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Is that why my brain's always turned off? No, I'm
just kidding.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Yeah, but that's great. That means that you take good
care of yourself. You have high standards for yourself, you
have high self worth. So clearly, if you have high
self worth and you work on yourself, and you spend
all this time doing things that build on your self respect,
why would you want to match with someone who doesn't
fit what you do? If you feel lucky to have yourself, right,
(03:34):
you need to have someone that you feel lucky to have.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
The way you say it makes so much sense, but
like you wouldn't think about that. So your background in
criminology and data analytic two decades decoding the patterns of
human attraction. I guess this is where this all came from.
But to share with us, I know, I want to
know what inspired you to write love can in fact
be calculated, and where the idea of data meets emotion
begin for you and your personal story.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Absolutely, twenty years ago, when I was studying criminology, I
was cheated on by my long term partner. At the time,
I was devastated. I was so so heartbroken, and my
laser focus essentially shifted from criminology, which is the dark
side of human nature, to love, which before I was
(04:21):
cheated on, felt like it was the bright side of
human nature. And then I realized how dark that can become.
So I needed to understand. I needed to understand why
it hurt so much, why he betrayed me, why I
couldn't get over it. And I was browsing online and
I came across this one article and one sentence stuck
(04:43):
out to me, and it said, you can't fall in
love with someone who's not a match. That's it. So
I started thinking, I'm like, okay, hold on, that makes
sense to me. And of course in criminology we learn
about human behavior and evolutionary psychology, so I felt like
I already had background to make that sentence make sense.
(05:03):
And I started to brainstorm, Okay, well, how do you
measure a match? And I realized, okay, well, first you
have to measure yourself to understand if someone's a match.
And then I went into how do you measure yourself?
That's where I came up with the idea of top
five values, which are standards for yourself and for humans.
(05:25):
Standards and values can be things like career choice. It
can be whether you're purpose driven. It could be whether
you're a family person. Right, So, based on all these things,
all these values that you have, when you score yourself,
when you tally all of that up and you score yourself,
that's a numerical assessment of how you feel you show
(05:46):
up as a human. Now, next step is if you
have a partner, do they match you? And if it's
a match, then great. If they're a little above you
even better. That's at the analytics show the people who
are currently together, their partners tended to have on average
four percent above them, i e. They felt lucky to
(06:08):
be with them. They were admiring their partner, which makes
perfect sense. And over time in the last twenty years,
I actually expanded that from top five values to also
include top five trait preferences because we have to take
into account that we do go into destructive relationships. Values
are values, those are standards. So why do we fall
(06:30):
into toxic relationships? It's because of our traite preferences. It's
because of these dysfunctions that, sadly.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
We may have.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Seen growing up. That is now a part of our mind,
and that is now what we find to be comfortable
in love, whether it's emotional and availability or just bad behavior,
and for whatever reason, sadly, our brains are just wired
to want that. If that's how we grew up, right,
(07:00):
it normalizes that behavior, and not only normalizes that behavior,
but you become familiar. And when you become familiar, it
becomes a trait preference. It feels like you, It feels
like your body and your chemicals are relating to it.
It feels like you're drawn to it. So, yes, you
have the top five values, but it's also very important
to also evaluate your top five traits and if you
(07:22):
fall into destructive patterns, it'll likely be in those trade preferences.
It's self awareness in terms of what you're drawn to
and not allowing yourself to spiral into a toxic dynamic.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Coupled with your background in criminology and the data analytics,
makes so much sense the way you're saying this, like,
what are some of the most surprising patterns you discovered
about attraction and compatibility?
Speaker 3 (07:52):
Okay, so I didn't realize how important it is for
your partner to be either an exact match or slightly
above you. We had one group of survey takers. They
were in an on and off relationship, and we found
that the partner's score was five percent below. That's not
a lot. So the ones who were pretty together had
(08:13):
the partner score of four percent above on average. The
ones who were in an on and off had five
percent below on average. All to say, we're we really
need to admire our partner because the moment we feel
like we don't admire them, we might get lazy. In
the relationship, and guess what if we get lazy, the
other partner will get lazy, and then you've got this
(08:35):
back and forth of two people who are lazy not
putting their best foot forward, and then you're you end
up in on and off. That makes sense, right, So
I didn't realize how sensitive, how sensitive we are as
humans to needing to feel fulfilled to make the relationship work.
That's one thing. Another thing is across the board the
(08:59):
number one on value for men women didn't matter the
age group, and by the way, our sample size was
mostly men and women, not enough of the non binary
to make conclusive statements here. But across the board, the
number one value was dependability and reliability, which I love
to see, so essentially everyone is looking for a rock everyone.
(09:24):
And the second one was communication style and manners. And
as I myself evaluated my relationship with my husband after
our first year when things were very misaligned, we both
did the formula together and I realized that he was
losing points in dependability and reliability and I was losing
(09:47):
points on his side for communication style and manners. And
I'm like thinking, I'm like, wow, isn't that just so
common for men? And women to come across in terms
of the number one and number two reasons why there's
no respect and why the love fades and why the
emotional safety chips awaits because they don't feel like they're
(10:08):
each other's rocks and they don't feel like they treat
each other with respect. I either communication style manners. So
I feel like I uncovered with this. Yeah, just a
lot of information that makes sense. Like it makes sense.
The analytics validated that.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
It's pretty it's pretty amazing.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
What is there a formula for love or is it
more about learning the right framework of self awareness?
Speaker 3 (10:33):
Yes, I think that there is a formula for love.
I think so. First, understanding your top five values. If
you are putting your top five values as things that
are superficial, such as materialism, fashion, social status, right, it
is possible that you're gonna have top five values that
(10:55):
don't necessarily guarantee that you're attracting a rock, that don't
necessarily guarantee that you're attracting loyalty. And if you're not
putting that as a top five value, that means you're
also not showing up in that way. So there are
certain traits and values that are more conducive to healthy relationships.
(11:17):
Of course, it's about balance, right. As humans, we are nuanced. Right,
It's okay to enjoy materialism in my opinion, it's okay
to enjoy fashion in my opinion. The question is are
you balancing it with values that allow you to show
up as a good person and a good partner. And
if you do, then you will attract that, right And
(11:39):
if you do happen to attract that but you're not
giving it to the partner, you're probably not going to
sustain that relationship.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Okay, so Zoe, So what happens if you're in a
relationship with somebody and you're married. You're not married, however
it is, and someone picks up this book and you're like,
love can't in fact be calculating. You start reading it
and then you start doing the test here and then
it's like you guys, don't align.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
You find out you don't align, Then what happens?
Speaker 3 (12:09):
Yeah, So the first step is actually to communicate it
just the way that you would communicate love languages and
say this is how I give and receive love, And
then it allows you to gain more perspective and insight.
This is checkboxes on steroids. So what you're doing for
your partner is you're saying, this is the stuff that
attracts me to you, that makes me feel emotionally safe,
(12:32):
that makes me want to be with you, this is
why I started dating you. Over time, you've gone lazy. Right,
don't say it on that way, please, but you know
you can stay it in your own way. Right. But essentially,
the goal here is not to blame. It's not to say, hey,
this is what you did two months ago. No, the
(12:53):
goal is to say, here's where you were here when
I was so lucky to have you and felt like
I admired you so deeply. Here's where you were over time,
here's where you landed, here's where you are right now.
And if the partner cares enough for you, they will
(13:16):
make the changes to make sure that they're meeting your standards.
But trust that it's probably a two way street. I'm
sure that your partner will have certain things where they
feel like, maybe you know, it became misaligned. What if
at one point you were very adventurous and then you
became not so adventurous and a bit more of a homebody,
(13:38):
but that was the thing that it attracted them to
you in the first place, right, So, just as much
as you're going to communicate where you feel they're falling short,
you have to have an open mind and let them
communicate that too, and don't worry about the blame game
of well, I'm this way because you did the fuck that. Yeah,
forget it, forget it. Just get back to a place
(13:58):
of alignment. Now, with that said, we need to acknowledge
that sometimes you're just feeding a dead horse, and we
need to acknowledge that sometimes people out grow each other
and values shift and trade preferences shift, and people grow
in different ways. There's nothing wrong with that. If you
(14:20):
feel like you're doing this formula over and over and
over again, and the misalignments are very clear, and your
partner is not hitting high numbers, and you can see
it in how you feel for your partner, you can
see it, and just being turned off, being unhappy, being miserable,
you know, not wanting to put your best foot forward
during arguments and whatever, and you're truly like I'm stuck.
(14:45):
This is also a tool for you to gain the
confidence of knowing whether you're making the right decision or
whether you should keep working on it. If you're having
a bad week or having a bad month or whatever.
This tool should give you that site and that perspective
if it's just stuff to do with you and the
relationship is actually truly okay okay. But then also it'll
(15:08):
give you insight to know this specific person is simply
not a match to me anymore. They were at one point,
but not anymore. And at that point it's it's up
to you what you want to do with that information.
You can get feedback from your friends, you can get
feedback from a counselor a coach, a therapist. This is
(15:30):
just another way to get feedback, except that this is numerical,
This is measurements, and.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Would with that, it's pretty remarkable. We're going to take
a very quick break for one of our sponsors. We
I'm going to be right back. We're talking to Zoe
Sharif and her book is Love can in fact be calculated.
I'm going to ask her, your work begins with self worth,
but what you call it self score? We're going to
talk about that and.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
We come back. We'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
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Speaker 2 (17:17):
We're back. Love can, in fact be calculated. What an
amazing book.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
It's kind of like your own therapist sort of friend
that's guiding you, that's helping you. And that's like helping
you guys, correct things and adjust things and fix things
in all good things. I mean, there's so many amazing
chapters and there I love all the case studies that
you have in here too.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
It's really I mean, what a job you've done.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
With this book. Thank you so much. Thank you. I
mean I poured my heart and soul into it.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
I'll you can you can tell every page.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
I mean I was when I was just even reading
the free face and you started and it was like
that faith well. Fateful Night marked the beginning of my
quest for answers about love and heartbreak. In fact, it
became an obsession. I needed to know everything about the
workings of my heart. Why do we love? Why do
we hurt? Why do we hurt the ones we love?
And I just I couldn't stop reading after that, over
and over again. You could tell that it came from
(18:17):
somewhere deep.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
It did. It did in fact that you know, it's
funny that you said that I cannot count the number
of hours that I've put into it, But do you
know what gave me the drive? Every time I felt awful,
every time I felt like a rap, every time I
was down on myself, every time I felt heartbreak, every
time I had an argument, every so every time I
(18:41):
felt that, I'm like, I need to channel it, and
I channeled it in this book, in the words, in
the case studies, in the preface, in the epilogue, in
the whole framework. This is I mean, of course, I
personally feel like I live with heart, but this is
one hundred percent and manifestation of my heart. Knock on wood.
(19:03):
But also I think that it is something was channeled.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
I think also your background is fascinating too. I mean,
that's like that's like another dimension to you. That's like
so cool. And you could tell the way that you're
talking about this and the way you're explaining it to
the audience, to listeners, it's remarkable.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
So let's talk about self score.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
Sure, Okay, So here's the thing in the analytics right
when we did our surveys, one of the groups was,
you know, people who are currently together, they had a
strong self score. What that means is they had high
self worth. So whatever their values were, they felt like
(19:46):
they were doing very well within those values and they
were approaching life as a respectable human. Okay, what we
found was that the people who were currently together had
a strong self score. In other words, if you have
a low self score, if you have low self worth,
you're not likely going to be able to sustain that relationship.
(20:09):
It'll likely project in one way or another. Either you'll
feel infatuated, which is not healthy, or you'll go into
relationships that the quote unquote score distortions, which is a
whole section of my book. Score distortions can be whether
you're a competitor, whether you're a self sacrifice or whether
you're self focused, whether you need to have the savior syndrome, whatever. Right, So,
(20:34):
if you don't have good self worth, you're likely going
to project unhealed I etoxic behaviors within that relationship. If
you truly care about someone, the best thing you can
do for the health of that relationship and to attract
that person and make them feel lucky to have you
is to work on yourself. All comes down to that.
(20:56):
It all comes down to that. This is not about manipulation.
This is not about strategy. This is not about how
can I blah blah blah so that you know I
influence them and you know, how can I have power
over them and blah blah blah. The only power that
is available to you is within your own body, your
own soul, and how solid you are within yourself. That's it.
(21:18):
And when you do that, and when you tap into
that power, that's how you become magnetic. That's how you
make the other person feel I'm lucky to have this
person because they're sure about who they are and they're authentic.
So whether you're going through a breakup, whether you're in
a relationship, whether you're looking to find someone and your
(21:41):
single work on your self score, everything else will fall
into place, guaranteed. In fact, there was one group above
the group that's currently together in terms of self score.
There was one group that had an't even higher self score.
That group did the breaking up, so they weren't with anyone,
(22:03):
but they chose to do the breakup.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
I e.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
They chose not to settle. They chose not to settle.
They divided, this relationship does not serve my highest purpose.
I feel drained, I'm unhappy. And they made the decision
to leave. And it didn't matter if they were in
a marriage, didn't matter, if it was a two month relationship,
it didn't matter. But they said, this does not fit
(22:26):
my standards. And do you know what happened. What happened
was they ended up being even more fulfilled. Okay, so
all to say, it comes down to the self score.
It really does. Whether you're single or with someone, that's
where you get fulfillment. You don't get fulfillment from the
other person. In fact, if you're relying on the other
person to fulfill you, analytics are showing it's not going
(22:48):
to work. You're likely going to fall into the bucket
of people who are not together, who are either on
and off in a mutual breakup or were broken up with.
But if, like I said, you not to settle, you're
likely going to exceed everyone's self score. That's where fulfillment
comes in. Don't settle, don't settle.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
What's one practical step someone can take today to start
strengthening their self confidence after divorce.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
Self score man, so first and foremost, how do you
even achieve a self score? You have to do the
formula the way you do the formulas by identifying your
top five values. Make sure that those top five values
are conducive to healthy love and self love. Okay, remember
if you put dependability and reliability as one of your
(23:36):
top five, what that means is you become a rock
to yourself too, not just for someone else, not your
ex husband or your ex wife. I'm a rock for yourself.
If you value purpose, which I wish i'd seen in
the analytics purpose to be more prevalent. It wasn't. Purpose
(23:57):
is such a natural medicine, or it's your kids, whether
it's a podcasting, whether it's coaching. This is something that
you give back to the world without calculating how much
you get that, right, That's what purpose is. It's something
from the soul, something that recharges you naturally. It can
be anything. Sadly, I did not see that in the
(24:19):
majority of the people's top five values. So for anyone listening,
I would encourage you to actually consider putting that as
of top five value. Besides that, really, I mean, it's
whatever you want it to be like I enjoy fashion, right,
I enjoy materialism. Not over the top, but yeah I
kind of like it. Right. Does that make me a
(24:40):
bad person?
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Know?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Does that make me someone who doesn't have good values? No?
It just means I enjoy the spice of life of
being human. Okay, we are nuanced. I may be different
to my husband, I may be different to my best friend.
We are all nuanced. The point of these top five
values is to identify who you are, who you truly try,
really are, and then evaluate whether you're attracting a good
(25:04):
person with all of this. And if you feel like
there are some things that are questionable or that you're
not adding things to your values that would attract a
good person, do it. Do it, and what you'll see
is that you'll also be a good person to yourself
when you do that. I'll give you a perfect example.
I expanded my top five values to top ten values.
(25:25):
Whereas my top five we're very like basic stuff, right, career, purpose, whatever?
Just you know, I start adding what about peace of mind?
I really love and enjoy my peace of mind. In fact,
I work hard for my peace of mind. I pick
and choose the people in my environment. I pick and
choose my clients. I pick and choose the people I
(25:46):
want to appear on a podcast with. Right, that gives
me peace of mind. That means that my life knock
on Wood is mostly drama free. Right, what about freedom?
I love my freedom. I want to know that I
can come into work when I want, lee when I
want again, and enjoy the clients that I want. All
of that. So I start expanding mine to kind of
(26:06):
delve a little deeper and ask myself what truly makes
me happy? Truly? And when I start putting that into perspective,
I'm like, these are the things I'm going to work for,
and whoever I will invite into my life need to
meet these standards because that's what keeps me happy. So
for anyone who's coming out of a divorce, I can't
(26:27):
imagine that it's easy. You're attached to someone. Clearly, no
one goes into a marriage thinking that they're going to leave, right,
But the reality is that people outgrow each other. We're
all human, We are dynamic, we learn, and life is
too short to be unhappy. Yes, if you're out a
(26:49):
have the confidence that you'll be okay. The people who
chose not to settle have even more fulfilling lives than
the ones who are together. Okay, so first and foremost,
just know that you're on the right path if you
chose not to settle. If you were broken up with
ask yourself, was dependability and reliability one of your top
five values probably wasn't. The reason I say that is
(27:13):
because if someone is breaking up with you, there's no
reason to give them a top score for dependability and reliability.
They're choosing not to be your rock. They're choosing to say,
I want to go elsewhere, and if that's the case,
don't give them top scores. I used to give someone
who broke up with me a top score for dependability
and reliability. Once I remove the rose colored glasses, I'm like,
(27:35):
what the fuck am I doing? Why am I doing this?
Speaker 2 (27:37):
No?
Speaker 3 (27:37):
I deserve better. I deserve someone who wants to be
with me. So it all comes down to this. Evaluate
what your values are. Give yourself a true assessment of
how you fit within each value and how your partner
fits within each value your ex partner. If you, as
a woman are scoring below seventy six percent, you're lower
(27:58):
than the average for a self score. Okay, if you're
scoring below seventy six percent, work on those values that
you have. If it's peace of mind, ask yourself if
you're surrounding with people who give you peace of mind.
If it's career great, are you putting in time towards
expanding that and being proud of where you're at. If
(28:22):
purpose is not included, my strong recommendation is to include it.
It's a natural medicine. And with the trade preferences, ask
yourself if you have a pattern of falling into dynamics
where the traits are very clear, whether it's emotional and availability,
jackasses right, bad boys, whatever, or other way around, right,
(28:45):
ask yourself if you have a pattern of falling into
those dynamics. If you do, be honest with yourself, write
it out. And as much as we want to choose
what we're attracted to as humans, sometimes it's wired within us.
That doesn't mean that you can't stop the spiral. So
let's assume you know that you have a tendency to
(29:05):
attract or to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people, and
you happen to come across someone who raises all those
flags for you. Okay, you might be attracted, but you
as a human have free will. That's what differentiates us
from animals. We are not just purely driven on our
primal instinct. We can make decisions and say no, not
(29:26):
for me, No, not this time. Okay. So even if
you find yourself drawn to a certain character, if you
see that this is clearly not panning out for you,
take a step back next time you meet that person
or someone who fits that profile and just say no,
I have strong enough self worth. I've worked on myself
(29:46):
so much, and my peace of mind so much, and
my freedom so much, and all these values so much
that this destructive trait I know where it's gonna go.
And I choose to say no, have self worth, have
self confidence. And I said, those are the ones who
choose not to settle. Those are the ones who tend
to be happier.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
And the ones that choose to settle.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
And that just sees this and sees this book and
realizes that if you calculate it, it doesn't work, and
they still can't leave.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
What do you say to those people?
Speaker 3 (30:21):
It all comes down to healing. Right, Like your therapist
could tell you, your own knowledge in terms of attachment
theory and attachment styles can tell you. Your best friends can
tell you, we can give you all the tools and
all the advice. No one can force you. I self
awareness is always the first step, right, and the self
(30:43):
score will actually give you that awareness that you need
if you keep falling into toxic patterns. My hunch is
that the self score needs a bit of work. And
by the way, we've all been there, I've been there.
The whole reason I was able to draw out this
framework is because I'm a whole human of trial and
error on the things that worked and the things that didn't,
(31:06):
And the thing that always, without fail worked was working
on my self score. That's what allowed me to make
good decisions in my relationships, decisions that today I have
zero regrets about, zero decisions and going into relationships, leaving
relationships zero regrets. And I can say that because when
(31:30):
the calculations were done, I'm like, yeah, you know, like
this matches how I feel, and acting on that, acting
on those decisions based on these calculations, At least for me,
it confirmed that I made the right decision because I
always came out a better person and happier and more fulfilled.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
So understanding the science of love can actually how can
it make relationships feel more human.
Speaker 3 (32:01):
So keep in mind that this is, at the end
of the day, just a tool. There's still a human
that's doing all these calculations. Everything is subjective. Humans are
so nuanced, right, So just because I'm giving you a
framework to understand where you stand with your partner, where
they stand with you, and where the misalignments will be
(32:25):
at the end of the day, this is such a
human experience. In fact, I'm a very spiritual person. Okay,
I'm not like all about oh, brain numbers, analytics. No,
I'm actually very spiritual, and I use this framework to
speak to the cosmos, to be honest with you, when
I write out affirmations, it kind of comes down to this.
(32:49):
In fact, on the background of my phone, I be
honest with you, I have like a little number here
in terms of the number that I want to be
as a human that I show up and to me,
the cosmos are listening to this, right, So, humans, I mean,
there are so many aspects to us, right, We're physical beings,
(33:10):
we're spiritual beings that everyone has their own definition of
what it is to be human. Yes, this is very analytical,
and I'm providing a framework where you can calculate love
self love. But at the end of the day, your
emotions are so powerful. Here your emotions will be what
drives the actual calculations. And if you believe in spirituality
(33:32):
and affirmations and the cosmos or God is listening to you,
this is just another way to tell the cosmos what
you want, or tell God what you want or where
you want to be, and what your vision is for
yourself and for the person that you're attracting.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
It makes a lot of sense. What do you want
people to take away from this book?
Speaker 2 (33:51):
So many things?
Speaker 3 (33:52):
Yeah, there's so many things, but really the main thing.
So when I started this, I thought it was going
to be a tool to understand whether two people fit together.
It turned out to be a tool to see how
you fit within your own standards, and a byproduct of
that is how someone will fit within your own within
your standards. The byproduct of that will be a healthy relationship.
(34:16):
So the number one thing, whether you're in a relationship
not knowing if you should leave, if you've just come
out of a divorce, whether you made the decision or
your ex partner made the decision, whether you're six months
down the road or you're down the road and you're
feeling totally hopeless, right, or if you've never been married
and you want to get married and you want to
(34:38):
avoid all these red flags that you hear from people
getting divorced and whatever. It comes down to knowing who
you are and then acting on who you are. That's
what it comes down to. Your self score.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
That's what you said, do you fit in your own standards?
And people need to ask themselves that all the time,
over and over again.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
Yeah, exactly that analytics are showing that if you don't
meet your own standards, you're not likely going to sustain
that relationship. You need to have standards.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
That's what what does rewriting love mean to you personally? Zelli?
Speaker 3 (35:13):
Oh? Thank god?
Speaker 2 (35:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (35:19):
I used to think that love was about how can
I be there for the other person and how can
I be a rock and how can I prove myself?
And over time I realized, actually, I have to be
(35:39):
a rock to myself and I have to prove myself
to me and with that, that's what creates healthy dynamics
within relationships. That's what allows you to glow from within,
That's what allows you to radiate, That's what allows you
to step into a date or whatever it may be.
With self CONFI evidence with just a glow right in,
(36:03):
not a cocky glow, not oh my god, I'm so
much better than you, but a like I'm confident with
who I am. I know what I bring to the table.
I'm curious what you bring to the table and are
you my match?
Speaker 1 (36:15):
Right?
Speaker 3 (36:16):
So, I think rewriting love is not about showing up
for the other person. It's literally about how you show
up for yourself and then all the pieces will fall
into place, like guaranteed, guarant If there's anything I'm sure about,
it's that work on yourself.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
I've alreadys said that you have to love yourself first
before someone else can love you.
Speaker 3 (36:42):
And the analytics are confirming that cliche, that cliche of
you can't love someone or no one can love you
unless you love yourself. It's one hundred percent true. One
thing I say to people is how can anyone feel
lucky to have you? If you don't feel lucky to
have yourself? That's not fair, doesn't make sense. Feel lucky
(37:02):
to have yourself and then see how their universe responds,
and see how other humans respond to you.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
You've poured so much into this book, I feel like
there's another one coming, but it's deep.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
And you you can do your own you know, check
marks in here.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
In the book and it's it's just And like I
said before, the case studies, I love reading all those
and you just it's it's a great it's a great
guide for someone to follow and to share with their
partner and to grow with their partner or realize that
maybe you guys need to make adjustments.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
Yeah, and if the adjustments don't work, and if you're
dating and beating a dead whrse, Yeah, maybe it's just
not for you.
Speaker 2 (37:52):
If someone.
Speaker 1 (37:54):
In standing at a crossroads between heartbreak and a new beginning,
what's one truth you want them to remember.
Speaker 3 (38:00):
That you'll be okay. If you're true to yourself, you'll
be okay. The more you work on your self score,
the more it'll put things into perspective. If your partner
can meet you. And I know heartbreak is tough, like
we've all been through it, but it's kind of like
ripping the band aid. Would you rather go through many
heartbreaks for the next twenty years or one big heartbreak
(38:20):
and then be happy for nineteen years or whatever? Nineteen
and a half years However, the long heartbreak lass right.
Another thing is that I don't believe heartbreak has a
time on it. The times that I feel like shit,
I do my little ritual with the affirmations, with whatever,
and the next day I'm fine. I'm fine, right, So,
(38:41):
whereas other people you know may not have tools and
they may dwell and you know, so, heartbreak doesn't have
to be a six month, one year thing. It really doesn't.
It'll be as long as you want it to be.
And by convincing yourself that you're okay and convincing yourself
that you're strong. Right, maybe that's not fair, but like
(39:04):
just the healing time, in my opinion, is in your hands.
It's not well, we've been together for twenty years, therefore
I need twenty more years to heal from it. I
don't believe that at all. I think that with rituals,
with feeling confident with where you're at, the heartbreak will slowly,
slowly heal on soul.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
If not so, and so you touch back on what
you started.
Speaker 2 (39:28):
We've talked about the beginning.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
I like what you were talking about saying, like if well,
you know, I used to love that you did this
and you were like this with me and talking about
those things that maybe they forgot or maybe they got
slack with, or maybe they're not doing as much and
you need that, like talking about this book helps.
Speaker 2 (39:48):
You with that.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
I want to get you, guys back to where you
were when you when you fell in love or when
you were super happy, or letting someone know that you're
missing something exactly.
Speaker 2 (40:00):
You know.
Speaker 3 (40:01):
So when Kevin and I my husband, when we were
I think six months in, we did the formula together
and he didn't realize that I admired him. He hid
all my top five values and his score was actually
above mind slightly above mine, which is the perfect relationship
based on the analytics. One year into our relationship, we
(40:25):
were not in alignment and I felt like our communication
was not great. We were speaking completely different languages. So
we both sat down and we did the formula together,
and we both had those scores compared to how we
were in our first six months. And for dependability and reliability,
(40:47):
that's where I felt he wasn't as strong for communication,
silent manners. He felt like I had gotten very lazy
with how I was approaching topics and speaking to him.
So what we ended up doing was working on that.
It was working on that now for anyone here though,
who feels like they've been doing that right and they've
(41:08):
been communicating using this framework. By the way, because of
the beauty of this framework is that there's actually no
blame game here. It's just here's the number. I just
need you to pick it up. That you don't need
to talk about why you don't know. Well, actually you
probably should, But what I'm trying to say is no
blame game. Just work on those numbers, work on how
you can be a how you can fit your partner's standards.
(41:31):
With that said, I've come across couples where it's just
beating a dead horse and where it's just like, I
don't know how much I can explain this, and I
don't know how much longer I want to be unhappy,
And you know, and if they're doing these scores and
this formula over and over and over again and they're
still not coming to a place of alignment, it might
(41:53):
just be another tool or source to tell to give
you the confidence to say, maybe there's a better match
out there for me, just saying, right, you do with
the numbers what you want. The numbers are there for you.
No one can make that decision for you. It'll be
your own time frame. You're going to decide how much
(42:15):
you want to work on it. You're going to decide
how flexible you want to be. You're going to decide
all of that. No one can do it for you.
Like I said, it's just a tool. It's just a
tool for you to know where you stand.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
Zoe Sharif her book Love can in fact be calculated.
Speaker 1 (42:28):
Yes it can. It's a must read. It's a must buy. Everyone,
go out and get it. Share this with your friends,
share this with your partners. It's such an amazing book.
You've so well written, it so well done. Thank you
so much for sharing all that with us and your background.
I could want to talk about that at another time.
More so interested in all of that and well done.
Speaker 3 (42:50):
Thank you so much, Wendy, Thank you so much for
having me. I have a great time.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
Thank you, Nito Kuda.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
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five seven nine to five zero zero
Welcome to The Rewrite, a podcast about divorce, choice and
new beginnings. I'm your host Wendy Sloan, former TV producer,
mom of two and one sweet golden retriever. This is
a space for real talk about the moments that break us,
the choices that define us, and the power we have
to begin again. You'll hear personal stories, heartfelt insights, and
(00:22):
honest conversations about healing relationships and reclaiming your life one
choice at a time. I'll be joined by experts in divorce, finance,
mental health, wellness and more and everything you need to
support your next chapter. The most powerful chapters might be
the ones you write next. Let's begin your rewrite together.
This episode is brought to in part by the Needle
(00:44):
Kuda Law Firm guidance that moves lives forward. I'm so
excited for my guest today. Welcome back to the Rewrite.
I'm your host Wendy Sloan, and my guest today isn't
just redefining how we think, she's giving us a blueprint
for it. The author of love can in fact calculated,
and yes it can be now.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
I know that for a fact.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
She spent nearly two decades decoding the patterns of human attraction,
and a relentless drive to challenge everything we've been taught
about relationships. Her work a wake up call. Love isn't magic.
I'm going to hear all about that. Welcome to my show,
Zoe Sharif.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Did I say it right?
Speaker 3 (01:20):
Chari? Thank you so much for having me. I'm so
excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Okay, You're just as beautiful as this book that you wrote.
Loves can in fact be calculated?
Speaker 2 (01:29):
What a great title.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
Thank you, Thank you so much. You know that was
actually the last sentence of the preface. And I think
initially I called the book the Love Formula mathematical perspective
of love and relationships, and that last sentence of the preference,
love can in fact be calculated. That just stuck with
so many people, that redded and you know, edited. So
(01:52):
I'm like, you know what if I made that the title?
And here we are.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
So well done, well done. There's so much to dive into.
This might take twelve hours. But so love isn't magic,
then what is it?
Speaker 3 (02:07):
It's just calculations. It's about the mind, it's about checkboxes
on steroids, and honestly, it's about numbers. It's just about
measuring self worth and standards and measuring whether someone fits
your standards. Now, of course, standards are all subjective. You'll
have different standards to me right, But beyond that, you'll
(02:28):
also evaluate yourself in a different way. So, if, for example,
you evaluate yourself as at a seventy percent, you will
not fall in love with someone or want to match
with someone below seventy percent. The mind is not wired
in that way. The human brain, because of our instinct
to evolve and to create strong offsprings, the brain is
(02:51):
wired to match with either someone who's a true match
or someone who's higher. So the brain will automatically turn
off if they don't meet your standards, whatever those standards
may be. We all have our different set of standards.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Is that why my brain's always turned off? No, I'm
just kidding.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Yeah, but that's great. That means that you take good
care of yourself. You have high standards for yourself, you
have high self worth. So clearly, if you have high
self worth and you work on yourself, and you spend
all this time doing things that build on your self respect,
why would you want to match with someone who doesn't
fit what you do? If you feel lucky to have yourself, right,
(03:34):
you need to have someone that you feel lucky to have.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
The way you say it makes so much sense, but
like you wouldn't think about that. So your background in
criminology and data analytic two decades decoding the patterns of
human attraction. I guess this is where this all came from.
But to share with us, I know, I want to
know what inspired you to write love can in fact
be calculated, and where the idea of data meets emotion
begin for you and your personal story.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Absolutely, twenty years ago, when I was studying criminology, I
was cheated on by my long term partner. At the time,
I was devastated. I was so so heartbroken, and my
laser focus essentially shifted from criminology, which is the dark
side of human nature, to love, which before I was
(04:21):
cheated on, felt like it was the bright side of
human nature. And then I realized how dark that can become.
So I needed to understand. I needed to understand why
it hurt so much, why he betrayed me, why I
couldn't get over it. And I was browsing online and
I came across this one article and one sentence stuck
(04:43):
out to me, and it said, you can't fall in
love with someone who's not a match. That's it. So
I started thinking, I'm like, okay, hold on, that makes
sense to me. And of course in criminology we learn
about human behavior and evolutionary psychology, so I felt like
I already had background to make that sentence make sense.
(05:03):
And I started to brainstorm, Okay, well, how do you
measure a match? And I realized, okay, well, first you
have to measure yourself to understand if someone's a match.
And then I went into how do you measure yourself?
That's where I came up with the idea of top
five values, which are standards for yourself and for humans.
(05:25):
Standards and values can be things like career choice. It
can be whether you're purpose driven. It could be whether
you're a family person. Right, So, based on all these things,
all these values that you have, when you score yourself,
when you tally all of that up and you score yourself,
that's a numerical assessment of how you feel you show
(05:46):
up as a human. Now, next step is if you
have a partner, do they match you? And if it's
a match, then great. If they're a little above you
even better. That's at the analytics show the people who
are currently together, their partners tended to have on average
four percent above them, i e. They felt lucky to
(06:08):
be with them. They were admiring their partner, which makes
perfect sense. And over time in the last twenty years,
I actually expanded that from top five values to also
include top five trait preferences because we have to take
into account that we do go into destructive relationships. Values
are values, those are standards. So why do we fall
(06:30):
into toxic relationships? It's because of our traite preferences. It's
because of these dysfunctions that, sadly.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
We may have.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Seen growing up. That is now a part of our mind,
and that is now what we find to be comfortable
in love, whether it's emotional and availability or just bad behavior,
and for whatever reason, sadly, our brains are just wired
to want that. If that's how we grew up, right,
(07:00):
it normalizes that behavior, and not only normalizes that behavior,
but you become familiar. And when you become familiar, it
becomes a trait preference. It feels like you, It feels
like your body and your chemicals are relating to it.
It feels like you're drawn to it. So, yes, you
have the top five values, but it's also very important
to also evaluate your top five traits and if you
(07:22):
fall into destructive patterns, it'll likely be in those trade preferences.
It's self awareness in terms of what you're drawn to
and not allowing yourself to spiral into a toxic dynamic.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Coupled with your background in criminology and the data analytics,
makes so much sense the way you're saying this, like,
what are some of the most surprising patterns you discovered
about attraction and compatibility?
Speaker 3 (07:52):
Okay, so I didn't realize how important it is for
your partner to be either an exact match or slightly
above you. We had one group of survey takers. They
were in an on and off relationship, and we found
that the partner's score was five percent below. That's not
a lot. So the ones who were pretty together had
(08:13):
the partner score of four percent above on average. The
ones who were in an on and off had five
percent below on average. All to say, we're we really
need to admire our partner because the moment we feel
like we don't admire them, we might get lazy. In
the relationship, and guess what if we get lazy, the
other partner will get lazy, and then you've got this
(08:35):
back and forth of two people who are lazy not
putting their best foot forward, and then you're you end
up in on and off. That makes sense, right, So
I didn't realize how sensitive, how sensitive we are as
humans to needing to feel fulfilled to make the relationship work.
That's one thing. Another thing is across the board the
(08:59):
number one on value for men women didn't matter the
age group, and by the way, our sample size was
mostly men and women, not enough of the non binary
to make conclusive statements here. But across the board, the
number one value was dependability and reliability, which I love
to see, so essentially everyone is looking for a rock everyone.
(09:24):
And the second one was communication style and manners. And
as I myself evaluated my relationship with my husband after
our first year when things were very misaligned, we both
did the formula together and I realized that he was
losing points in dependability and reliability and I was losing
(09:47):
points on his side for communication style and manners. And
I'm like thinking, I'm like, wow, isn't that just so
common for men? And women to come across in terms
of the number one and number two reasons why there's
no respect and why the love fades and why the
emotional safety chips awaits because they don't feel like they're
(10:08):
each other's rocks and they don't feel like they treat
each other with respect. I either communication style manners. So
I feel like I uncovered with this. Yeah, just a
lot of information that makes sense. Like it makes sense.
The analytics validated that.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
It's pretty it's pretty amazing.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
What is there a formula for love or is it
more about learning the right framework of self awareness?
Speaker 3 (10:33):
Yes, I think that there is a formula for love.
I think so. First, understanding your top five values. If
you are putting your top five values as things that
are superficial, such as materialism, fashion, social status, right, it
is possible that you're gonna have top five values that
(10:55):
don't necessarily guarantee that you're attracting a rock, that don't
necessarily guarantee that you're attracting loyalty. And if you're not
putting that as a top five value, that means you're
also not showing up in that way. So there are
certain traits and values that are more conducive to healthy relationships.
(11:17):
Of course, it's about balance, right. As humans, we are nuanced. Right,
It's okay to enjoy materialism in my opinion, it's okay
to enjoy fashion in my opinion. The question is are
you balancing it with values that allow you to show
up as a good person and a good partner. And
if you do, then you will attract that, right And
(11:39):
if you do happen to attract that but you're not
giving it to the partner, you're probably not going to
sustain that relationship.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Okay, so Zoe, So what happens if you're in a
relationship with somebody and you're married. You're not married, however
it is, and someone picks up this book and you're like,
love can't in fact be calculating. You start reading it
and then you start doing the test here and then
it's like you guys, don't align.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
You find out you don't align, Then what happens?
Speaker 3 (12:09):
Yeah, So the first step is actually to communicate it
just the way that you would communicate love languages and
say this is how I give and receive love, And
then it allows you to gain more perspective and insight.
This is checkboxes on steroids. So what you're doing for
your partner is you're saying, this is the stuff that
attracts me to you, that makes me feel emotionally safe,
(12:32):
that makes me want to be with you, this is
why I started dating you. Over time, you've gone lazy. Right,
don't say it on that way, please, but you know
you can stay it in your own way. Right. But essentially,
the goal here is not to blame. It's not to say, hey,
this is what you did two months ago. No, the
(12:53):
goal is to say, here's where you were here when
I was so lucky to have you and felt like
I admired you so deeply. Here's where you were over time,
here's where you landed, here's where you are right now.
And if the partner cares enough for you, they will
(13:16):
make the changes to make sure that they're meeting your standards.
But trust that it's probably a two way street. I'm
sure that your partner will have certain things where they
feel like, maybe you know, it became misaligned. What if
at one point you were very adventurous and then you
became not so adventurous and a bit more of a homebody,
(13:38):
but that was the thing that it attracted them to
you in the first place, right, So, just as much
as you're going to communicate where you feel they're falling short,
you have to have an open mind and let them
communicate that too, and don't worry about the blame game
of well, I'm this way because you did the fuck that. Yeah,
forget it, forget it. Just get back to a place
(13:58):
of alignment. Now, with that said, we need to acknowledge
that sometimes you're just feeding a dead horse, and we
need to acknowledge that sometimes people out grow each other
and values shift and trade preferences shift, and people grow
in different ways. There's nothing wrong with that. If you
(14:20):
feel like you're doing this formula over and over and
over again, and the misalignments are very clear, and your
partner is not hitting high numbers, and you can see
it in how you feel for your partner, you can
see it, and just being turned off, being unhappy, being miserable,
you know, not wanting to put your best foot forward
during arguments and whatever, and you're truly like I'm stuck.
(14:45):
This is also a tool for you to gain the
confidence of knowing whether you're making the right decision or
whether you should keep working on it. If you're having
a bad week or having a bad month or whatever.
This tool should give you that site and that perspective
if it's just stuff to do with you and the
relationship is actually truly okay okay. But then also it'll
(15:08):
give you insight to know this specific person is simply
not a match to me anymore. They were at one point,
but not anymore. And at that point it's it's up
to you what you want to do with that information.
You can get feedback from your friends, you can get
feedback from a counselor a coach, a therapist. This is
(15:30):
just another way to get feedback, except that this is numerical,
This is measurements, and.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Would with that, it's pretty remarkable. We're going to take
a very quick break for one of our sponsors. We
I'm going to be right back. We're talking to Zoe
Sharif and her book is Love can in fact be calculated.
I'm going to ask her, your work begins with self worth,
but what you call it self score? We're going to
talk about that and.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
We come back. We'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
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Speaker 2 (17:17):
We're back. Love can, in fact be calculated. What an
amazing book.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
It's kind of like your own therapist sort of friend
that's guiding you, that's helping you. And that's like helping
you guys, correct things and adjust things and fix things
in all good things. I mean, there's so many amazing
chapters and there I love all the case studies that
you have in here too.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
It's really I mean, what a job you've done.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
With this book. Thank you so much. Thank you. I
mean I poured my heart and soul into it.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
I'll you can you can tell every page.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
I mean I was when I was just even reading
the free face and you started and it was like
that faith well. Fateful Night marked the beginning of my
quest for answers about love and heartbreak. In fact, it
became an obsession. I needed to know everything about the
workings of my heart. Why do we love? Why do
we hurt? Why do we hurt the ones we love?
And I just I couldn't stop reading after that, over
and over again. You could tell that it came from
(18:17):
somewhere deep.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
It did. It did in fact that you know, it's
funny that you said that I cannot count the number
of hours that I've put into it, But do you
know what gave me the drive? Every time I felt awful,
every time I felt like a rap, every time I
was down on myself, every time I felt heartbreak, every
time I had an argument, every so every time I
(18:41):
felt that, I'm like, I need to channel it, and
I channeled it in this book, in the words, in
the case studies, in the preface, in the epilogue, in
the whole framework. This is I mean, of course, I
personally feel like I live with heart, but this is
one hundred percent and manifestation of my heart. Knock on wood.
(19:03):
But also I think that it is something was channeled.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
I think also your background is fascinating too. I mean,
that's like that's like another dimension to you. That's like
so cool. And you could tell the way that you're
talking about this and the way you're explaining it to
the audience, to listeners, it's remarkable.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
So let's talk about self score.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
Sure, Okay, So here's the thing in the analytics right
when we did our surveys, one of the groups was,
you know, people who are currently together, they had a
strong self score. What that means is they had high
self worth. So whatever their values were, they felt like
(19:46):
they were doing very well within those values and they
were approaching life as a respectable human. Okay, what we
found was that the people who were currently together had
a strong self score. In other words, if you have
a low self score, if you have low self worth,
you're not likely going to be able to sustain that relationship.
(20:09):
It'll likely project in one way or another. Either you'll
feel infatuated, which is not healthy, or you'll go into
relationships that the quote unquote score distortions, which is a
whole section of my book. Score distortions can be whether
you're a competitor, whether you're a self sacrifice or whether
you're self focused, whether you need to have the savior syndrome, whatever. Right, So,
(20:34):
if you don't have good self worth, you're likely going
to project unhealed I etoxic behaviors within that relationship. If
you truly care about someone, the best thing you can
do for the health of that relationship and to attract
that person and make them feel lucky to have you
is to work on yourself. All comes down to that.
(20:56):
It all comes down to that. This is not about manipulation.
This is not about strategy. This is not about how
can I blah blah blah so that you know I
influence them and you know, how can I have power
over them and blah blah blah. The only power that
is available to you is within your own body, your
own soul, and how solid you are within yourself. That's it.
(21:18):
And when you do that, and when you tap into
that power, that's how you become magnetic. That's how you
make the other person feel I'm lucky to have this
person because they're sure about who they are and they're authentic.
So whether you're going through a breakup, whether you're in
a relationship, whether you're looking to find someone and your
(21:41):
single work on your self score, everything else will fall
into place, guaranteed. In fact, there was one group above
the group that's currently together in terms of self score.
There was one group that had an't even higher self score.
That group did the breaking up, so they weren't with anyone,
(22:03):
but they chose to do the breakup.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
I e.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
They chose not to settle. They chose not to settle.
They divided, this relationship does not serve my highest purpose.
I feel drained, I'm unhappy. And they made the decision
to leave. And it didn't matter if they were in
a marriage, didn't matter, if it was a two month relationship,
it didn't matter. But they said, this does not fit
(22:26):
my standards. And do you know what happened. What happened
was they ended up being even more fulfilled. Okay, so
all to say, it comes down to the self score.
It really does. Whether you're single or with someone, that's
where you get fulfillment. You don't get fulfillment from the
other person. In fact, if you're relying on the other
person to fulfill you, analytics are showing it's not going
(22:48):
to work. You're likely going to fall into the bucket
of people who are not together, who are either on
and off in a mutual breakup or were broken up with.
But if, like I said, you not to settle, you're
likely going to exceed everyone's self score. That's where fulfillment
comes in. Don't settle, don't settle.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
What's one practical step someone can take today to start
strengthening their self confidence after divorce.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
Self score man, so first and foremost, how do you
even achieve a self score? You have to do the
formula the way you do the formulas by identifying your
top five values. Make sure that those top five values
are conducive to healthy love and self love. Okay, remember
if you put dependability and reliability as one of your
(23:36):
top five, what that means is you become a rock
to yourself too, not just for someone else, not your
ex husband or your ex wife. I'm a rock for yourself.
If you value purpose, which I wish i'd seen in
the analytics purpose to be more prevalent. It wasn't. Purpose
(23:57):
is such a natural medicine, or it's your kids, whether
it's a podcasting, whether it's coaching. This is something that
you give back to the world without calculating how much
you get that, right, That's what purpose is. It's something
from the soul, something that recharges you naturally. It can
be anything. Sadly, I did not see that in the
(24:19):
majority of the people's top five values. So for anyone listening,
I would encourage you to actually consider putting that as
of top five value. Besides that, really, I mean, it's
whatever you want it to be like I enjoy fashion, right,
I enjoy materialism. Not over the top, but yeah I
kind of like it. Right. Does that make me a
(24:40):
bad person?
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Know?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Does that make me someone who doesn't have good values? No?
It just means I enjoy the spice of life of
being human. Okay, we are nuanced. I may be different
to my husband, I may be different to my best friend.
We are all nuanced. The point of these top five
values is to identify who you are, who you truly try,
really are, and then evaluate whether you're attracting a good
(25:04):
person with all of this. And if you feel like
there are some things that are questionable or that you're
not adding things to your values that would attract a
good person, do it. Do it, and what you'll see
is that you'll also be a good person to yourself
when you do that. I'll give you a perfect example.
I expanded my top five values to top ten values.
(25:25):
Whereas my top five we're very like basic stuff, right, career, purpose, whatever?
Just you know, I start adding what about peace of mind?
I really love and enjoy my peace of mind. In fact,
I work hard for my peace of mind. I pick
and choose the people in my environment. I pick and
choose my clients. I pick and choose the people I
(25:46):
want to appear on a podcast with. Right, that gives
me peace of mind. That means that my life knock
on Wood is mostly drama free. Right, what about freedom?
I love my freedom. I want to know that I
can come into work when I want, lee when I
want again, and enjoy the clients that I want. All
of that. So I start expanding mine to kind of
(26:06):
delve a little deeper and ask myself what truly makes
me happy? Truly? And when I start putting that into perspective,
I'm like, these are the things I'm going to work for,
and whoever I will invite into my life need to
meet these standards because that's what keeps me happy. So
for anyone who's coming out of a divorce, I can't
(26:27):
imagine that it's easy. You're attached to someone. Clearly, no
one goes into a marriage thinking that they're going to leave, right,
But the reality is that people outgrow each other. We're
all human, We are dynamic, we learn, and life is
too short to be unhappy. Yes, if you're out a
(26:49):
have the confidence that you'll be okay. The people who
chose not to settle have even more fulfilling lives than
the ones who are together. Okay, so first and foremost,
just know that you're on the right path if you
chose not to settle. If you were broken up with
ask yourself, was dependability and reliability one of your top
five values probably wasn't. The reason I say that is
(27:13):
because if someone is breaking up with you, there's no
reason to give them a top score for dependability and reliability.
They're choosing not to be your rock. They're choosing to say,
I want to go elsewhere, and if that's the case,
don't give them top scores. I used to give someone
who broke up with me a top score for dependability
and reliability. Once I remove the rose colored glasses, I'm like,
(27:35):
what the fuck am I doing? Why am I doing this?
Speaker 2 (27:37):
No?
Speaker 3 (27:37):
I deserve better. I deserve someone who wants to be
with me. So it all comes down to this. Evaluate
what your values are. Give yourself a true assessment of
how you fit within each value and how your partner
fits within each value your ex partner. If you, as
a woman are scoring below seventy six percent, you're lower
(27:58):
than the average for a self score. Okay, if you're
scoring below seventy six percent, work on those values that
you have. If it's peace of mind, ask yourself if
you're surrounding with people who give you peace of mind.
If it's career great, are you putting in time towards
expanding that and being proud of where you're at. If
(28:22):
purpose is not included, my strong recommendation is to include it.
It's a natural medicine. And with the trade preferences, ask
yourself if you have a pattern of falling into dynamics
where the traits are very clear, whether it's emotional and availability,
jackasses right, bad boys, whatever, or other way around, right,
(28:45):
ask yourself if you have a pattern of falling into
those dynamics. If you do, be honest with yourself, write
it out. And as much as we want to choose
what we're attracted to as humans, sometimes it's wired within us.
That doesn't mean that you can't stop the spiral. So
let's assume you know that you have a tendency to
(29:05):
attract or to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people, and
you happen to come across someone who raises all those
flags for you. Okay, you might be attracted, but you
as a human have free will. That's what differentiates us
from animals. We are not just purely driven on our
primal instinct. We can make decisions and say no, not
(29:26):
for me, No, not this time. Okay. So even if
you find yourself drawn to a certain character, if you
see that this is clearly not panning out for you,
take a step back next time you meet that person
or someone who fits that profile and just say no,
I have strong enough self worth. I've worked on myself
(29:46):
so much, and my peace of mind so much, and
my freedom so much, and all these values so much
that this destructive trait I know where it's gonna go.
And I choose to say no, have self worth, have
self confidence. And I said, those are the ones who
choose not to settle. Those are the ones who tend
to be happier.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
And the ones that choose to settle.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
And that just sees this and sees this book and
realizes that if you calculate it, it doesn't work, and
they still can't leave.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
What do you say to those people?
Speaker 3 (30:21):
It all comes down to healing. Right, Like your therapist
could tell you, your own knowledge in terms of attachment
theory and attachment styles can tell you. Your best friends can
tell you, we can give you all the tools and
all the advice. No one can force you. I self
awareness is always the first step, right, and the self
(30:43):
score will actually give you that awareness that you need
if you keep falling into toxic patterns. My hunch is
that the self score needs a bit of work. And
by the way, we've all been there, I've been there.
The whole reason I was able to draw out this
framework is because I'm a whole human of trial and
error on the things that worked and the things that didn't,
(31:06):
And the thing that always, without fail worked was working
on my self score. That's what allowed me to make
good decisions in my relationships, decisions that today I have
zero regrets about, zero decisions and going into relationships, leaving
relationships zero regrets. And I can say that because when
(31:30):
the calculations were done, I'm like, yeah, you know, like
this matches how I feel, and acting on that, acting
on those decisions based on these calculations, At least for me,
it confirmed that I made the right decision because I
always came out a better person and happier and more fulfilled.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
So understanding the science of love can actually how can
it make relationships feel more human.
Speaker 3 (32:01):
So keep in mind that this is, at the end
of the day, just a tool. There's still a human
that's doing all these calculations. Everything is subjective. Humans are
so nuanced, right, So just because I'm giving you a
framework to understand where you stand with your partner, where
they stand with you, and where the misalignments will be
(32:25):
at the end of the day, this is such a
human experience. In fact, I'm a very spiritual person. Okay,
I'm not like all about oh, brain numbers, analytics. No,
I'm actually very spiritual, and I use this framework to
speak to the cosmos, to be honest with you, when
I write out affirmations, it kind of comes down to this.
(32:49):
In fact, on the background of my phone, I be
honest with you, I have like a little number here
in terms of the number that I want to be
as a human that I show up and to me,
the cosmos are listening to this, right, So, humans, I mean,
there are so many aspects to us, right, We're physical beings,
(33:10):
we're spiritual beings that everyone has their own definition of
what it is to be human. Yes, this is very analytical,
and I'm providing a framework where you can calculate love
self love. But at the end of the day, your
emotions are so powerful. Here your emotions will be what
drives the actual calculations. And if you believe in spirituality
(33:32):
and affirmations and the cosmos or God is listening to you,
this is just another way to tell the cosmos what
you want, or tell God what you want or where
you want to be, and what your vision is for
yourself and for the person that you're attracting.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
It makes a lot of sense. What do you want
people to take away from this book?
Speaker 2 (33:51):
So many things?
Speaker 3 (33:52):
Yeah, there's so many things, but really the main thing.
So when I started this, I thought it was going
to be a tool to understand whether two people fit together.
It turned out to be a tool to see how
you fit within your own standards, and a byproduct of
that is how someone will fit within your own within
your standards. The byproduct of that will be a healthy relationship.
(34:16):
So the number one thing, whether you're in a relationship
not knowing if you should leave, if you've just come
out of a divorce, whether you made the decision or
your ex partner made the decision, whether you're six months
down the road or you're down the road and you're
feeling totally hopeless, right, or if you've never been married
and you want to get married and you want to
(34:38):
avoid all these red flags that you hear from people
getting divorced and whatever. It comes down to knowing who
you are and then acting on who you are. That's
what it comes down to. Your self score.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
That's what you said, do you fit in your own standards?
And people need to ask themselves that all the time,
over and over again.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
Yeah, exactly that analytics are showing that if you don't
meet your own standards, you're not likely going to sustain
that relationship. You need to have standards.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
That's what what does rewriting love mean to you personally? Zelli?
Speaker 3 (35:13):
Oh? Thank god?
Speaker 2 (35:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (35:19):
I used to think that love was about how can
I be there for the other person and how can
I be a rock and how can I prove myself?
And over time I realized, actually, I have to be
(35:39):
a rock to myself and I have to prove myself
to me and with that, that's what creates healthy dynamics
within relationships. That's what allows you to glow from within,
That's what allows you to radiate, That's what allows you
to step into a date or whatever it may be.
With self CONFI evidence with just a glow right in,
(36:03):
not a cocky glow, not oh my god, I'm so
much better than you, but a like I'm confident with
who I am. I know what I bring to the table.
I'm curious what you bring to the table and are
you my match?
Speaker 1 (36:15):
Right?
Speaker 3 (36:16):
So, I think rewriting love is not about showing up
for the other person. It's literally about how you show
up for yourself and then all the pieces will fall
into place, like guaranteed, guarant If there's anything I'm sure about,
it's that work on yourself.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
I've alreadys said that you have to love yourself first
before someone else can love you.
Speaker 3 (36:42):
And the analytics are confirming that cliche, that cliche of
you can't love someone or no one can love you
unless you love yourself. It's one hundred percent true. One
thing I say to people is how can anyone feel
lucky to have you? If you don't feel lucky to
have yourself? That's not fair, doesn't make sense. Feel lucky
(37:02):
to have yourself and then see how their universe responds,
and see how other humans respond to you.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
You've poured so much into this book, I feel like
there's another one coming, but it's deep.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
And you you can do your own you know, check
marks in here.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
In the book and it's it's just And like I
said before, the case studies, I love reading all those
and you just it's it's a great it's a great
guide for someone to follow and to share with their
partner and to grow with their partner or realize that
maybe you guys need to make adjustments.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
Yeah, and if the adjustments don't work, and if you're
dating and beating a dead whrse, Yeah, maybe it's just
not for you.
Speaker 2 (37:52):
If someone.
Speaker 1 (37:54):
In standing at a crossroads between heartbreak and a new beginning,
what's one truth you want them to remember.
Speaker 3 (38:00):
That you'll be okay. If you're true to yourself, you'll
be okay. The more you work on your self score,
the more it'll put things into perspective. If your partner
can meet you. And I know heartbreak is tough, like
we've all been through it, but it's kind of like
ripping the band aid. Would you rather go through many
heartbreaks for the next twenty years or one big heartbreak
(38:20):
and then be happy for nineteen years or whatever? Nineteen
and a half years However, the long heartbreak lass right.
Another thing is that I don't believe heartbreak has a
time on it. The times that I feel like shit,
I do my little ritual with the affirmations, with whatever,
and the next day I'm fine. I'm fine, right, So,
(38:41):
whereas other people you know may not have tools and
they may dwell and you know, so, heartbreak doesn't have
to be a six month, one year thing. It really doesn't.
It'll be as long as you want it to be.
And by convincing yourself that you're okay and convincing yourself
that you're strong. Right, maybe that's not fair, but like
(39:04):
just the healing time, in my opinion, is in your hands.
It's not well, we've been together for twenty years, therefore
I need twenty more years to heal from it. I
don't believe that at all. I think that with rituals,
with feeling confident with where you're at, the heartbreak will slowly,
slowly heal on soul.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
If not so, and so you touch back on what
you started.
Speaker 2 (39:28):
We've talked about the beginning.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
I like what you were talking about saying, like if well,
you know, I used to love that you did this
and you were like this with me and talking about
those things that maybe they forgot or maybe they got
slack with, or maybe they're not doing as much and
you need that, like talking about this book helps.
Speaker 2 (39:48):
You with that.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
I want to get you, guys back to where you
were when you when you fell in love or when
you were super happy, or letting someone know that you're
missing something exactly.
Speaker 2 (40:00):
You know.
Speaker 3 (40:01):
So when Kevin and I my husband, when we were
I think six months in, we did the formula together
and he didn't realize that I admired him. He hid
all my top five values and his score was actually
above mind slightly above mine, which is the perfect relationship
based on the analytics. One year into our relationship, we
(40:25):
were not in alignment and I felt like our communication
was not great. We were speaking completely different languages. So
we both sat down and we did the formula together,
and we both had those scores compared to how we
were in our first six months. And for dependability and reliability,
(40:47):
that's where I felt he wasn't as strong for communication,
silent manners. He felt like I had gotten very lazy
with how I was approaching topics and speaking to him.
So what we ended up doing was working on that.
It was working on that now for anyone here though,
who feels like they've been doing that right and they've
(41:08):
been communicating using this framework. By the way, because of
the beauty of this framework is that there's actually no
blame game here. It's just here's the number. I just
need you to pick it up. That you don't need
to talk about why you don't know. Well, actually you
probably should, But what I'm trying to say is no
blame game. Just work on those numbers, work on how
you can be a how you can fit your partner's standards.
(41:31):
With that said, I've come across couples where it's just
beating a dead horse and where it's just like, I
don't know how much I can explain this, and I
don't know how much longer I want to be unhappy,
And you know, and if they're doing these scores and
this formula over and over and over again and they're
still not coming to a place of alignment, it might
(41:53):
just be another tool or source to tell to give
you the confidence to say, maybe there's a better match
out there for me, just saying, right, you do with
the numbers what you want. The numbers are there for you.
No one can make that decision for you. It'll be
your own time frame. You're going to decide how much
(42:15):
you want to work on it. You're going to decide
how flexible you want to be. You're going to decide
all of that. No one can do it for you.
Like I said, it's just a tool. It's just a
tool for you to know where you stand.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
Zoe Sharif her book Love can in fact be calculated.
Speaker 1 (42:28):
Yes it can. It's a must read. It's a must buy. Everyone,
go out and get it. Share this with your friends,
share this with your partners. It's such an amazing book.
You've so well written, it so well done. Thank you
so much for sharing all that with us and your background.
I could want to talk about that at another time.
More so interested in all of that and well done.
Speaker 3 (42:50):
Thank you so much, Wendy, Thank you so much for
having me. I have a great time.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
Thank you, Nito Kuda.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
Divorce and Family Laws attorneys have guided Connecticut and New
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(43:42):
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Betrayal: Weekly
Betrayal Weekly is back for a brand new season. Every Thursday, Betrayal Weekly shares first-hand accounts of broken trust, shocking deceptions, and the trail of destruction they leave behind. Hosted by Andrea Gunning, this weekly ongoing series digs into real-life stories of betrayal and the aftermath. From stories of double lives to dark discoveries, these are cautionary tales and accounts of resilience against all odds. From the producers of the critically acclaimed Betrayal series, Betrayal Weekly drops new episodes every Thursday. Please join our Substack for additional exclusive content, curated book recommendations and community discussions. Sign up FREE by clicking this link Beyond Betrayal Substack. Join our community dedicated to truth, resilience and healing. Your voice matters! Be a part of our Betrayal journey on Substack. And make sure to check out Seasons 1-4 of Betrayal, along with Betrayal Weekly Season 1.