Chapter 13 - The Search - Grace Hill

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Naguib Mahfouz, Egyptian literature, existentialism, identity, love, relationships, social commentary, cultural norms, social class, personal growth, literary style, literary legacy, literary analysis, literary adaptation, literary criticism, Cairo, modernity, cultural influence, societal expectations, individualism, human nature, psychological analysis, Arab culture, family, urbanization

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Chapter thirteen. It was a clear, crisp day in March, with just
a smell of spring in the air. When Cameron finally united with the Church,
he had taken a long time tothink about it. Quarantine had extended
itself away into February, and whilehis company had had its regular drill and
hard work, there had been noleave from camp, no going to y

(00:23):
M c A huts, and novisiting canteens. They had been shut up
to the company of the members oftheir own barracks, and there were times
when that palled upon Cameron to adistressing degree. Once when it had snowed
for three days and rained on topof it, and a chill wind had
swept into the cracks and crannies ofthe barracks and poured down from the ventilators

(00:45):
in the roofs. The old stoveswere roaring their best to keep up good
cheer, and the men lay ontheir cots and rows, talking, telling
their vile stories one after another,each to sound bigger than the last,
some mere lads boasting of wild orgies, and all finally drifting into a chat
on a sort of philosophy of thelowest ideals. Cameron lay on his cot,

(01:08):
trying to sleep, for he hadbeen on guard all night, and
a letter from Ruth was in hisinside pocket with a comfortable crackle. But
the talk that drifted about him penetratedeven his army blankets when he drew them
up over his ears. The fellowshad arrived at a point where a young
lad from Texas had stated with adrawl that all girls were more or less

(01:30):
bad, that this talk of thehigh standards of womanhood was all bosh.
That there was one standard for menand women. Yes, but it was
man's standard, not woman's, aswas written sometimes white womanhood bah, there
was no such thing in vain.Cameron stuffed the blanket about his ears,
resolutely shut his eyes, and triedto sleep. His very blood boiled in

(01:53):
his veins. The letter in hispocket cried out to be exonerated from this
wholesale blackening. Suddenly Cameron flung theblanket from him and sprang to his feet
with a single motion, A tallsoldier with a white flame of wrath in
his face, his eyes flashing withfire. They called him, in friendly
derision, the silent Corporal, becausehe kept so much to himself. But

(02:15):
now he blazed forth at them.You lie, Keilly, you know you
do. The whole lot of youare liars. You know that rot you've
been talking isn't true. You knowthat it's to cover up your own vile
deeds and to excuse your own lustfulpassions. That you talk this way and
try to persuade your hearts and consciousnessthat you are no worse than the girls

(02:36):
you have dishonored. But it isn'tso, and you know it. There
are good women there always happen,and there always will be you, every
one of you know, at leastone you are dishonoring your mother's and your
sisters. When you talk that way, you are worse than the beasts you
are going out to fight. That'sthe rotten stuff they are teaching. They
call it cooltur You'll never win outagainst them if you go in that spirit,

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for it's their spirit and nothing more. You've got to go clean.
If there's a God in heaven,he's in this war, and it's got
to be a clean war, andyou've got to begin by thinking differently of
women, or you're just as badas the huns. With that, he
seized his poncho, stamped out intothe storm and tramped for two hours with
a driving sleet in his face,his thoughts a fury of holy anger against

(03:23):
unholy things, and back of itall the feeling that he was the Knight
of true womanhood. She had senthim forth, and no man in his
presence should defile the thought of her. It was during that tramp that he
made up his mind to ally himselfwith God's people, whether it would do
any good in the long run inhis search for God or not, whether

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he was even sure he believed inGod or not, he would do that
much if he were permitted. Hisinterview with the minister had not made things
much plainer. He had been toldthat he would grow into things, that
the Church was the shepherdfold of thesoul, that he would be nurtured and
taught, that by and by thesedoubts and fears would not trouble him.

(04:04):
He did not quite see it howhe was to be nurtured on the distant
battlefield of France. But it wasa mystical thing anyway, and he accepted
the statement and let it go atthat. One thing that stuck in his
heart and troubled him deeply was theway the minister talked to him about love
and fellowship with his fellow men.As a general thing, Cameron had no

(04:26):
trouble with his companions in life,but there were one or two, notably
Wainwright and a young captain friend ofhis at camp named Worts, toward whom
his enmity almost amounted to hatred.He was not altogether sure that the minister's
suggestion that he might love the sinnerand hate the sin would hold good with
regard to Wainwright, but there hadbeen only a brief time before the communion

(04:49):
service, and he had had tolet the matter go. His soul was
filled with a holy uplifting as hestepped out from the pastor's study and followed
into the Great Church. It hadstartled him just a little to find so
many people there. In contemplating thisact of allying himself with God, he
had always thought of it as beingbetween himself and God, with perhaps the

(05:13):
minister and an elder or two.He sat down in the place indicated for
him much disturbed in spirit. Ithad always been an annoyance to him to
be brought to the notice of hisfellow townsmen, and a man in uniform
in these days was more than everan object of interest. His troubled gaze
was downward during the opening hymns andprayers, But when he came to stand

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and take his bows, he liftedhis eyes, and there, off at
one side, where the seats groupedin a sort of transept, he caught
a glimpse of Ruth MacDonald standing besideher tall captain cousin, who was home
for the day. And there wasa light in her eyes that steadied him
and brought back the solemnity of themoment once more. It thrilled him to

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think she was there. He hadnot realized before that this must be her
church. In fact, he hadnot thought of it as being any church
in particular, but as being apart of the great Church invisible, to
which all God's children belonged. Ithad not occurred to him until that morning
either that his mother might be hurtthat he had not chosen her church.
But when he spoke to her aboutit, she shook her head and smiled.

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She was only glad of what hewas doing. There were no regrets.
She was too broad minded to stopabout creeds. She was sitting there
meekly over by the wall. Nowher hands folded quietly in her lap,
tears of joy in her eyes.She too had seen Ruth MacDonald and was
glad, But she wondered who thetall captain by her side might be.

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It happened that Cameron was the onlyperson uniting by confession at that time,
for the quarantine had held him beyondthe time the pastor had spoken of when
so many were joining, And hestood alone, tall and handsome in his
uniform, and answered in a clear, deep voice, I do, I
will. The vows were put uponhim one by one. Every word he

(07:02):
meant from his heart a longing forthe God who alone could satisfy the longings
of his soul. He thrilled withstrange new enthusiasm as the congregation of church
members were finally called upon to riseand receive him into their fellowship, and
looking across he saw Ruth McDonald againand his beloved Captain LaRue, standing together,

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while everybody sang blessed be the tidethat bines bharts and Christian love.
The flaship of kindred minds is liketo that above. But when the bread

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and the wine had been partaken ofthe solemn prayer of dedication spoken the beautiful
service was over, and the richtones of the organ were swelling forth.
He suddenly felt strange and shot.Among all that crowd of people whom he
knew by sight, only the eldersand some of the other men and women
shook hands with him, and hewas trying to slip away and find his

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mother, when a kindly hand waslaid upon his shoulder, and there stood
the Captain, with Ruth beside him, and a warm handshake of welcome into
the church. I'm so glad,he said, that you have taken this
step. You will never regret it. Cameron. It is good that we
can be of the same company hereif we have failed in other ways.

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Then, turning to Ruth, hesaid, I didn't tell you, did
I Ruth, that I failed intrying to get Cameron transferred to my division.
I did everything I could, butthey've turned down my application flatly.
It seems like stupidity to me,for it was just the place for which
he was most fitted. But Iguess it's because he was too much of
a man to stay in a quietsector and do such work. If he

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had been maimed or half blinded,they might have considered him. They need
him in his present place, andI am the poorer for it. There
was a glow in Ruth's eye asshe put her hand in Cameron's and said
simply, I'm glad you're one ofus now. That warmed his heart with
a great gladness. I didn't knowyou were a member, he said,
wonderingly. Why. Yes, I'vebeen a member since I was fourteen,

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she said, And suddenly he feltthat he had indeed come into a holy
and blessed communion. If he hadnot yet found God, at least he
was standing on the same ground withone of his holy children. That was
the last time he got home beforehe sailed shipping. Quarantine was put on
his company. The very next week, the camp was closed to visitors and

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all passes annulled. The word camethat they would be going over in a
few days, But still they lingeredtill the days grew into three weeks,
and the spring was fully upon themin all its beauty, touching even the
bear camp with a fringe of greennessand a sprinkle of wild bloom in the
corners where the clearing had not beencomplete. Added to his other disappointments,

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a direful change had taken place atcamp. The peach of a captain had
been raised to the rank of major, and Captain Wurtz had been put in
his place. It seemed as ifnothing worse could be. The letters had
been going back and forth rather oftenof late, and Cameron had walked to
the loneliest spot in the camp inthe starlight and had it out with himself.

(10:24):
He knew now that Ruth MacDonald wasthe only girl in all the world
to him. He also knew thatthere was not a chance in a thousand
that he could ever be more toher than he now was. He knew
that the coming months held pain forhim, and yet he would not go
back and undo this beautiful friendship.No, not for all the pain that
might come. It was worth itevery bit. He had hoped to get

(10:48):
one more trip home, and shehad wanted to see the camp. Had
said that perhaps when the weather gotwarmer, she might run down some day
with his mother, But now thequarantine was on and that was out of
the question. He walked alone tothe places he would have liked to show
her, and then with a sigh, went to the telephone office and waited
two hours till he got a connectionthrough to her house just to tell her

(11:11):
how sorry he was that he couldnot come up as he had expected and
take that ride with her that shehad promised in her last letter. Somehow
it comforted him to hear her voice. She had asked if there would be
no lifting of the quarantine before theyleft, no opportunity to meet him somewhere
and say goodbye, And he hadpromised that he would let her know if
any such chance came. But hehad little hope, for company after company

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were being sent away in the trooptrains now hour after hour, and he
might be taken any minute. Thenone day he called her up and told
her that the next Saturday and Sundaythe camp was to be thrown open to
visitors, and if she could comedown with his mother, he would meet
them at the hostess house and theycould spend the day together. Ruth promptly

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accepted the invitation and as to arrangeit all with his mother and take the
first train down Saturday morning. Afterhe had hung up the receiver and paid
his bill, he walked away fromthe little telephone headquarters. In the days
of Joy, she had promised tocome for one whole day he would have
her to himself. She was willingto come with his mother. Then,

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as he passed the officer's headquarters,it occurred to him that perhaps she had
other interests in coming to camp thanjust to see him, and he frowned
in the darkness, and his heartburned hot within him. What if they
should meet Wainwright? How the daywould be spoiled? With this trouble on
his mind, he went quite earlyin the morning down as near to the

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little trolley station as he could get, for since the quarantine had been put
on, no soldiers without a specialpass or alowed beyond a certain point which
was roped off about the trolley station. Sadly, Cameron took his place in
the front rank and stood with foldedarms to wait. He knew he would
have some time to stand before hecould look for his guests, but the

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crowd was always so great at thetrain times that it was well to get
a good place early. So hestood and thought his sad thoughts, almost
wishing he had not asked them tocome. As he realized more and more
what unpleasantness might arise in case Wainwrightshould find out who were his guests.
He was sure that the Lieutenant wasnot above sending him away on a foolish

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errand, or getting him into ahumiliating situation before his friends. As he
stood thus, going over the situationand trying to plan how he might spirit
his guests away to some pleasant spotwhere Wainwright would not be likely to penetrate,
he heard the pompous voice of theLieutenant himself, and, slipping behind
a comrade, turned his face awayso that he would not be recognized.

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Yes, I've got special leave forthree days, proclaimed the satisfied voice,
and Cameron's heart bounded up so joyouslythat he would have almost been willing then
and there to put aside his vownot to salute him and throw his arms
about his enemy. Going away forthree days. That meant two things.
First that Wainwright would not have tobe thought of in making his plans,

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and second that they were evidently notgoing to move before Wainwright got back.
They surely would not have given himleave if the company was to be sent
away that day. A third exultantthought followed. Wainwright was going home,
presumably to see Ruth, and Ruthwould not be there. Perhaps, oh,
perhaps he might be able to persuadeher and his mother to stay over

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Sunday. He hardly dared to hope, however, for Ruth McDonald might think
it presumptuous in him to suggest it, and again she might wish to go
home to meet Wainwright, and twowhere could they sleep if they did stay?
It was hopeless. Of course,they would have to go back to
Baltimore or to Washington for the night, and that would be a hard jaunt.

(14:56):
However, Ruth McDonald had thought ofsuch a possi ability herself, and
when she and missus Cameron stepped downfrom the Philadelphia train at the small country
station that had suddenly become an importantpoint because of the great camp that had
sprung up within a stone's throw ofit, she looked around inquiringly at the
little cottage homes in sight, andsaid to her companion, would it be

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very dreadful in us to discover ifthere is some place here where we could
stay overnight in case John's company doesnot go just yet, and we find
we would be allowed to see himagain on Sunday. She knew by the
sudden lighting of the mother's wistful facethat she had read aright, the size
half stifled that she had heard onthe train when the mother had thought she

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was not noticing. Oh do yousuppose we could stay? The voice was
full of yearning. Well, wecan find out at least anyhow, I'm
going in here to see whether theywould take us in case we could.
It looks like a nice neat place. Ruth pulled open the gate, ran
up the steps of the pleasant porchshaded with climbing roses, and knocked timidly

(16:03):
at the open door. Abroad,somewhat frowsy woman appeared and surveyed her coolly
with that apprising glance that a nativeoften gives to a stranger. Took in
the elegant simplicity of her quiet,expensive gown and hat, lingering with a
jealous glance on the exquisite handbag shecarried, then replied apathetically to Ruth's question,

(16:26):
No, we're all full. Weain't got any room. You might
try down to the Salvation Army Hut. They got a few rooms down there.
It's just been built. They mighttake you in. It's down the
road, apiece, that green buildingto the right, you can't miss it.
You'll see the sign. Ruth caughther breath, thanked her and hastened
back to her companion. Salvation Army. That was eccentric, queer, but

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it would be perfectly respectable, orwould it? Would aunt Rhoda disapprove very
much. Somehow the Salvation Army wasassociated in her mind with slums and drunkards.
But at least they might be ableto direct her to a respectable place.
Missus Cameron, too, looked dubious. This having a society girl to

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chaperone was new business for her.She had never thought much about it,
but somehow she would hardly have associatedthe Salvation Army with the McDonald family in
any way. She paused and lookeddoubtfully at the unpretentious, little one story
building that stretched away capaciously and unostentatiouslyfrom the grassy roadside. Salvation Army arose

(17:32):
in bold inviting letters from the roof, and ice cold lemonade beckoned from a
sign on the neat screen door.Ruth was a bit excited. I'm going
in, she declared, and steppedwithin the door, Missus Cameron following half
fearfully. The room which they enteredwas long and clean and pleasant, Simple
white curtains draped the windows. Manyrush bottomed, big rocking chairs were scattered

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about. A long death or tableran along one side of the room with
writing materials. A piano stood openwith music on its racks, and shelves
of books and magazines filled the frontwall. Beyond the piano were half a
dozen little tables, white topped andready for a hungry guest. At the

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back, a counter ran the widthof the room, with sandwiches and pies
under glass covers, and a brightcoffee urn steaming suggestively at one end.
Behind it, through an open doorwas a view of the kitchen, neat
handy, crude, but all quiteclean. And through this door stepped a
sweet faced woman, wiping her handson her gingham apron and coming toward them

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with a smile of welcome, asif they were expected guests. It was
also primitive, and yet there wassomething about it that bore the dignity of
refinement and puzzled this girl from hersheltered home. She was almost embarrassed to
make her enquiry, but the heartyresponse put her quite at her ease,
as if she had a great favorof another lady in a time of stress.

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I'm so sorry, but our roomsare all taken. The woman waved
a slender hand toward the long sideof the room, and Ruth noticed for
the first time that a low partitionran the length of the room at one
side with doors. Mechanically, shecounted them, eight of them, neat
gray painted doors. Could these berooms, how interesting? She had a

(19:25):
wild desire to see inside them.Rooms. They were more like little stalls,
for the partitions did not reach allthe way to the ceiling. A
vision of her own spacious apartment athome came floating in vague contrast. Then
one of the doors opposite her openedas its occupant, a quiet, little
elderly woman came out, and shehad a brief glimpse of the white curtained

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window, the white draped, comfortablelooking bed, a row of calico curtained
hooks on the wall, and aspeck of a washstand with tin pitcher and
basin in the corner, all asclean and new as the rest of the
place. She swiftly decided to stayhere if there was any chance. Another
look at the sweet face of thepresiding woman, who was trying to make

(20:08):
them understand how crowded everything was,and how many mothers were there with sons
who were going that night or thenext, and who wanted to be near
them, determined her. She wassaying, there was just a chance in
case a certain mother from Boston whohad written her did not arrive at five
o'clock. But we ought not totake a chance, said Cameron's mother,

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looking at the eager faced girl witha cautious wistfulness. What could we do
if night came and we had noplace to stay? Ruth cast her eyes
about couldn't we sit in a coupleof those rocking chairs all night? She
asked eagerly. The Salvation Army Womanlaughed affectionately, as if she had found
a kindred spirit. Why, dearie, I could give you a couple of

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cots out here in the dining roomif you didn't mind. I wouldn't have
pillows, but I think I couldget you some blankets. Then stay,
said Ruth triumphantly, before missus Cameroncould protest, and went away, feeling
that she had a new friend andthe why sweet Salvation Army Woman. In
five minutes more, they were seatedin the trolley on their way into the
camp. I'm afraid your people wouldnot like you to stay in such a

(21:17):
place, began Missus Cameron dubiously,though her eyes shone with a light that
belied her words. Nonsense, saidRuth with a bewildering smile. It is
as clean as a pin, andI'm very much excited about staying there.
It will be an adventure. I'venever known much about the Salvation Army before,
except that they are supposed to bevery good people. There might be

(21:41):
some rough characters. Well, Iguess they can't hurt us with that good
woman around. And anyhow, you'regoing to stay till your son goes,
laughingly, declared Ruth. Well we'llsee what John says, said his mother
with a sigh. I can't letyou do anything questionable. Please, missus
Cameron, pleaded Ruth. Let usforget things like that this trip and just

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have a happy time. The mothersmiled sadly wistfully through a mist of tears.
She could not help thinking how wonderfulit would have been if there had
been no war and her dear boycould have had this sweet, wholesome girl
for a friend. End of Chapterthirteen.