Chapter 3 - The Search - Grace Hill

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Naguib Mahfouz, Egyptian literature, existentialism, identity, love, relationships, social commentary, cultural norms, social class, personal growth, literary style, literary legacy, literary analysis, literary adaptation, literary criticism, Cairo, modernity, cultural influence, societal expectations, individualism, human nature, psychological analysis, Arab culture, family, urbanization

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Chapter three. It had taken onlya short time after all. The crowd
drowned its cheer in one deep gaspof silence, and broke up tearfully into
little groups, beginning to melt awayat the sound of Michael ringing up the
gates and telling the cars and wagonsto hurry that it was almost time for
the up train. Ruth MacDonald startedher car and tried to bring her senses

(00:25):
back to their normal calm, wonderingwhat had happened to her and why was
there such an inexpressible mingling of lossand pleasure in her heart. The way
at first was intricate with congestion oftraffic, and Ruth was obliged to go
slowly. As the road cleared beforeher, she was about to glide forward
and make up for lost time.Suddenly a bewildered little woman with white hair

(00:49):
darted in front of the car,hesitated, drew back, came on again.
Ruth stopped the car shortly, muchshaken with the swift vision of catastrophe
and the sudden recognition of the woman. It was the same one who had
been with John Cameron. Oh,I'm so sorry I startled you, she
called, pleasantly leaning out of thecar. Won't you get in, please?

(01:11):
And let me take you home.The woman looked up and there were
great tears in her eyes. Itwas plain why she had not seen where
she was going. Thank you,No, I couldn't, she said,
with a choke in her voice andanother blur of tears. I you see,
I want to get away. I'vebeen seeing off my boy, I

(01:33):
know, said Ruth with quick sympathy. I saw you, and you want
to get home quickly and cry.I feel that way myself. But you
see, I didn't have anybody there, and I'd like to do a little
something just to be in it.Won't you please get in? You'll get
home sooner if I take you.And see we're blocking the way. The
woman cast a frightened glance about andassented. Of course, I didn't realize,

(01:59):
she said, climbing awkwardly and sittingbolt upright as uncomfortable as could be
in the luxurious car beside the girl. It was all too plain she did
not wish to be there. Ruthmaneuvered her car quickly out of the crowd
and into a side street, glidingfrom there to the avenue. She did
not speak until they had left themelting crowd well behind them. Then she

(02:21):
turned timidly to the woman. Youare his mother. She spoke the words
hesitatingly, as if she feared totouch a wound. The woman's eyes suddenly
filled again, and a curious littlequiver came on the strong chin. Yes,
she tried to say, and smotheredthe word in her handkerchief pressed quickly
to her lips in an effort tocontrol them. Ruth laid a cool little

(02:45):
touch on the woman's other hand thatlay in her lap. Please forgive me,
she said. I wasn't sure.I know it must be awful cruel
for you. He is all Ihave left, The woman breathed with a
quick control old gasp. But ofcourse it was right that he should go.
She set her lips more firmly,and blinked off at the blur of

(03:07):
pretty homes on her right, withoutseeing any of them. He would have
gone sooner. Only he thought heought not to leave me till he had
to, she said, with anotherproud little quiver in her voice, as
if having once spoken, she mustgo on and say more. I kept
telling him I would get on allright, But he always was so careful
of me ever since his father died, of course, said Ruth, tenderly,

(03:31):
turning her face away to struggle witha strange, smarting sensation in her
own eyes and throat. Then,in a low voice, she added,
I knew him, you know.I used to go to the same school
with him when I was a littlebit of a girl. The woman looked
up with a quick searching glance andbrushed the tears away firmly. Why aren't

(03:51):
you Ruth McDonald, Miss McDonald,I mean, excuse me. You live
in the big house on the hill, don't you. Yes, I'm Ruth
Donald. Don't call me miss.I'm only nineteen and I still answer to
my little girl name, Ruth answeredwith a charming smile. The woman's gaze
softened. I didn't know John knewyou, she said speculatively. He never

(04:14):
mentioned, oh, of course,not, said the girl, anticipating he
wouldn't. It was a long timeago when I was seven, and I
doubt if he remembers me any more. They took me out of the public
school the next year and sent meto Saint Mary's, for which I've never
quite forgiven them. For I'm sureI should have got on much faster at
the public school, and I lovedit. But I've not forgotten the good

(04:35):
times I had there. And Johnwas always good to the little girls.
We all liked him. I haven'tseen him much lately, but I should
think he would have grown to bejust what you say he is. He
looks that way again. The woman'seyes searched her face as if she questioned
the sincerity of her words. Then, apparently satisfied, she turned away with

(04:57):
a sigh. I'd have liked himto know a girl like you, she
said wistfully. Thank you, saidRuth brightly. That sounds like a real
compliment. Perhaps we shall know eachother yet, some day, if fortune
favors us, I'm quite sure he'sworth knowing. Oh he is, said
the little mother, her tears brimmingover again and flowing down her dismayed cheeks.

(05:19):
He's quite worth the best society thereis. But I haven't been able
to manage a lot of things forhim. It hasn't been always easy to
get along since father died. Somethinghappened to our money. But anyway,
he got through college. With aflash of triumph in her eyes, wasn't
that fine, said Ruth, withsparkling eyes. I'm sure he's worth a

(05:42):
lot more than some of the fellowswho have always had every whim gratified.
Now, which street you'll have totell me? I'm ashamed to say I
don't know this part of town verywell. Isn't it pretty down here?
This house? What a wonderful clematisI never saw such a wealth of bloom.
Yes, John planted that and fussedover it, said his mother with

(06:04):
pride as she slipped unaccustomedly out ofthe car to the sidewalk. I'm very
glad to have met you, andit was most kind of you to bring
me home, to tell the truth, with a roguish smile that reminded Ruth
of her son's grin. I wasso weak and trembling with saying goodbye and
trying to keep up so John wouldn'tknow it that I didn't know how I

(06:27):
was to get home, though,I'm afraid I was a bit discourteous.
I couldn't bear the thought of talkingto a stranger just then. But you
haven't been like a stranger, knowinghim and all, Oh, thank you,
said Ruth. It's been so pleasant. Do you know? I don't
believe I ever realized what an awfulthing the war is till I saw those
people down at the station this morningsaying goodbye. I never realized either,

(06:50):
what a useless thing I am.I haven't even anybody very dear to send.
I can only knit. Well,that's a good deal. Some of
us haven't time to do that.I never have a minute. You don't
need to. You've given your son, said Ruth, flashing a glance of
glorified understanding at the woman. Abeautiful smile came out on the tired,

(07:14):
sorrowful face. Yes, I've givenhim, she said. But I'm hoping
God will give him back again someday. Do you think that's too much
to hope? He is such agood boy? Of course not, said
Ruth sharply, with a sudden stingof apprehension in her soul. And then
she remembered that she had no veryintimate acquaintance with God. She wished she

(07:35):
might be on speaking terms at least, and then she would go and present
a plea for this lonely woman.If it were only Captain LaRue, her
favorite cousin, or even the President, she might consider it. But God,
she shuddered, didn't God let thisawful war be Why did he do
it? She had never thought muchabout God before. I wish you would

(07:59):
let me come to see you sometimeand take you for another ride, she
said sweetly. It would be beautiful, said the older woman, if you
would care to take the time fromyour own friends. I would love to
have you for one of my friends, said the girl gracefully. The woman
smiled wistfully. I'm only here holidaysand evenings, she concluded. I'm doing

(08:20):
some government work. Now I shallcome, said Ruth brightly. I've enjoyed
you ever so much. Then shestarted her car and whirled away into the
sunshine. She won't come, ofcourse, said the woman to herself,
as she stood looking mournfully after thecar, reluctant to go into the empty
house. I wish she would.Isn't she just like a flower? How

(08:43):
wonderful it would have been if thingshad been different and there hadn't been any
war, and my boy could havehad her for a friend. Oh.
Down at the clubhouse, the womenwaited for the fair young member who had
charge of the wool. They ralliedher joyously as she hurried in, suddenly
aware that she had kept them allwaiting. I saw her in the crowd

(09:05):
at the station this morning, calledout, missus pryor a large placid tease
with a twinkle in her eye.She was picking out the handsomest men for
the next sweater. She knits,Which one did you choose? Miss Ruth?
Tell us are you going to writehim a letter and stick it in
the toe of his sock? Theannoyed color swept into Ruth's face, but

(09:26):
she paid no other heed as shewent about her morning duties, preparing the
wool to give out. A thoughthad stolen into her heart that made a
tumult there and would not bear turningover, even in her mind in the
presence of all these curious people.She put it resolutely by as she taught
newcomers how to turn the heel ofa sock. But now and then it

(09:48):
crept back again and was the causeof her dropping an occasional stitch. Dotty
Weatherull came to find out what wasthe matter with her sock, and to
giggle and gurgle about her brother Boband his friends. Bob, it appeared,
was going to bring five officers homewith him next weekend, and they
were to have a dance Saturday night. Of course Ruth must come. Bob

(10:09):
was soon to get his first lieutenant'scommission. There had been a mistake,
of course, or he would havehad it before this, some favoritism shown.
But now Bob had what they calleda pull, and things were going
to be all right for him.Bob said, you couldn't get anywhere without
a pull, and didn't Ruth thinkBob looked perfectly fine in his uniform.

(10:30):
It annoyed Ruth to hear such talk, and she tried to make it plain
to Dottie that she was mistaken aboutpull. There was no such thing.
It was all imagination, she knewfor her cousin, Captain LaRue, was
very close to the government, andhe had told her so. He said
that real worth was always recognized,and that it didn't make any difference where

(10:50):
it was found or who your friendswere. It mattered what you were.
She fixed Dottie's sock and moved onto the wool table to get ready an
allotment for some of the ladies totake home. Missus Wainwright bustled in,
large and florid and well groomed,with a bunch of photographers, proofs of
her son Harry in his uniform,she called loudly for Ruth to come and

(11:13):
inspect them. There were some twentyor more poses, each one seemingly fatter,
more pompous, and conceited looking thanthe last. She stated in boisterous
good humor that Harry particularly wanted Ruth'sopinion before he gave the order. At
that Missus Pryor bent her head toher neighbor and nodded meaningly, as if
a certain matter of discussion were settlednow beyond all question. Ruth caught the

(11:37):
look and its meaning, and thecolor flooded her face once more, much
to her annoyance. She wondered angrilyif she would never be able to stop
that childish habit of blushing and wyatannoyed her so very much this morning to
have her name coupled with that ofHarry Wainwright. He was her old friend
and playmate, having lived next doorto her all her life, and it

(12:00):
was but natural, when everybody wassweethearting and getting married, that people should
speak of her and wonder whether theremight be anything more to their relationship than
mere friendship. Still it annoyed hercontinually as she turned the pages from one
fat, smug Wainwright countenance to another. She saw in a mist the face
of another man with uplifted head andsorrowful eyes. She wondered if when the

(12:24):
time came for Harry Wainwright to go, he would have aught of the vision
and aught of the holiness of sorrowthat had shown in that other face.
She handed the proofs back to themother, so like her son in her
ample blandness, and wondered if MissusCameron would have a picture of her son
in his uniform, fine and largeand lifelike as these were. She interrupted

(12:48):
her thoughts to hear Missus Wainwright's clarionvoice, lifted and parting from the door
of the club house on her wayback to her car. Well, goodbye,
Ruth, dear, don't hesitate tolet me know if you'd like to
have either of the other two largeones for your own specials. You know,
I shan't mind changing the order abit. Harry said you were to
have as many as you wanted.I'll hold the proofs for a day or

(13:11):
two and let you think it over. Ruth lifted her eyes to see the
gaze of every woman in the roomupon her, and for a moment she
felt as if she almost hated poorfat, doting Mamma Wainwright. Then the
humorous side of the moment came tohelp her, and her face blossomed into
a smile as she jauntily replied,Oh no, please, don't bother missus

(13:33):
Wainwright. I'm not going to paperthe wall with them. I have other
friends, you know. I thinkyour choice was the best of them all.
Then, as gaily, as ifshe were not raging within her soul,
she turned to help poor Dottie Weatherull, who was hopelessly muddled about turning
her heel. Dottie chattered on abovethe turmoil of her soul, and her

(13:54):
words were as tiny april showers sizzlingon a red hot cannon. By and
by she picked up Dotty's dropped stitches. After all, what did such things
matter when there was war and menwere giving their lives? And Bob says
he doubts if they ever get toFrance. He says he thinks the war
will be over before half the menget trained. He says, for his

(14:16):
part, he'd like the trip overafter the submarines have been put out of
business. It would be something totell about don't you know? But Bob
thinks the war will be over soon, don't you think so, Ruth?
I don't know what I think,said Ruth, exasperated at the little prattler.
It seemed so awful for a girlwith brains, or hadn't she brains

(14:37):
to chatter on interminably in that inanefashion about a matter of such awful portent.
And yet perhaps the child was onlytrying to cover up her fears,
for she all too evidently worshiped herbrother. Ruth was glad when at last
the morning was over, and oneby one the women gathered their belongings together
and went home. She stayed longerthan the rest to put the work in

(15:01):
order. When they were all gone, she drove around by the way of
the post office and asked the oldpostmaster, who had been there for twenty
years and knew everybody, if hecould tell her the address of the boys
who had gone to camp that morning. He wrote it down, and she
tucked it in her blouse, sayingshe thought the Red Cross would be sending
them something soon. Then she drovethoughtfully away to her beautiful, sheltered home,

(15:24):
where the thought of war hardly daredto enter yet in any but a
playful form. But somehow everything waschanged within the heart of Ruth MacDonald,
and she looked about on all thefamiliar places with new eyes. What right
had she to be living here inall this luxury, while over there men
were dying every day that she mightlive. End of Chapter three.