Chapter 5 - The Search - Grace Hill

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Naguib Mahfouz, Egyptian literature, existentialism, identity, love, relationships, social commentary, cultural norms, social class, personal growth, literary style, literary legacy, literary analysis, literary adaptation, literary criticism, Cairo, modernity, cultural influence, societal expectations, individualism, human nature, psychological analysis, Arab culture, family, urbanization

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Chapter five. The letter was writtenin a fine, beautiful hand, and
even before he saw the silver monogramat the top, he knew who was
the writer, though he did noteven remember to have seen the writing before.
My dear friend, I have hesitateda long time before writing, because
I do not know that I havethe right to call you a friend,

(00:23):
or even an acquaintance in the commonlyaccepted sense of that term. It is
so long since you and I wentto school together, and we have been
so widely separated since then, thatperhaps you do not even remember me,
and may consider my letter an intrusion. I hope not, for I should
hate to rank with the girls whoare writing to strangers under the license of

(00:44):
mistake and patriotism. My reason forwriting you is that a good many years
ago you did something very nice andkind for me. One day. In
fact, you helped me twice,although I don't suppose you knew it.
Then the other day, when youwere going to camp and I sat in
my car and watched you, itsuddenly came over me that you were doing
it again, this time a great, big, wonderful thing for me,

(01:07):
and doing it just as quietly andinconsequentially as you did it before, and
all at once I realized how splendidit was and wanted to thank you.
It came over me too, thatI had never thanked you for the other
times, and very likely you neverdreamed that you had done anything at all.
You see, I was only alittle girl, very much frightened because

(01:30):
Chuck Woodcock had teased me about mycurls and said that he was going to
catch me and cut them off andsend me home to my aunt that way,
and she would turn me out ofthe house. He had been frightening
me for several days so that Iwas afraid to go to school alone.
And yet I would not tell myaunt because I was afraid she would take

(01:51):
me away from the public school andsend me to a private school, which
I did not want. But thatday I had seen Chuck Woodcock steal in
behind the hedge ahead of the girls. The others wore ahead of me,
and I was all out of breathrunning to ketch up because I was afraid
to pass him alone. And justas I got near two of them,
Mary Wurts and Caroline Meadows. Youremember them, don't h they gave a

(02:14):
scream and pitched headlong on the sidewalk. They had tripped over a wire he
had stretched from the tree to thehedge. I stopped short and got behind
a tree, and I remember howthe tears felt in my throat, but
I was afraid to let them outbecause Chuck would call me a cry baby,
and I hated that. And justthen you came along behind me and
jumped through the hedge and caught Chuckand gave him an awful whipping licking.

(02:38):
I believe we called it. Then. I remember how condemned I felt as
I ran by the hedge, andknew in my heart that I was glad
you were hurting him, because hehad been so cruel to me. He
used to pull my curls whenever hesat behind me. In recitation, I
remember you came into school late,with your hair all mussed up beautifully,

(02:58):
and a big tear in your coat, a streak of mud on your face.
I was so worried lest the teacherwould find out you had been fighting
and make you stay after school,because you see, I knew in my
heart that you had been winning abattle for me, And if anybody had
to stay after school, I wishedit could be me, because of what
you had done for me. Butyou came in laughing as you always did,

(03:20):
and looked as if nothing in theworld unusual had happened. And when
you passed my desk, you threwbefore me the loveliest pink rosebud I ever
saw. That was the second thingyou did for me. Perhaps you won't
understand how nice that was either.For you, See, you didn't know
how unhappy I had been. Thegirls hadn't been very friendly with me.
They told me I was stuck up, and they said I was too young

(03:44):
to be in their classes anyway,and ought to go to kindergarten. It
was all very hard for me becauseI longed to be big and have them
for my friends. I was verylonely in that great, big house with
only my aunt and grandfather for company. But the girls wouldn't be friends at
all until they saw you give methat rose, and that turned the tide.
They were crazy about you, everyone of them. And they made

(04:06):
up to me after that and toldme their secrets and shared their lunch,
and we had great times. Andit was all because you gave me the
rose that day. The rose itselfwas lovely, and I was tremendously happy
over it for its own sake,but it meant a whole lot to me
besides, and opened the little worldof school to my longing feet. I

(04:27):
always wanted to thank you for it, but you looked as if you didn't
want me to, so I neverdared. And lately I wasn't quite sure
you knew me, because you neverlooked my way anymore. But when I
saw you standing on the platform theother day with the other drafted men,
it all came over me. Howyou were giving up the life you had
planned to go out and fight forme and other girls like me. I

(04:49):
hadn't thought of the war that waybefore, although of course I had heard
that thought expressed in speeches, butit never struck into my heart until I
saw the look on your face.It was a kind of nightliness, if
there is such a word, Andwhen I thought about it, I realized
it was the very same look youhad worn when you burst through the hedge

(05:10):
after Chuck Woodcock, and again whenyou came back and threw that rose on
my desk. Although you had abig broad boy's grin on your face then
and were chewing gum, I rememberquite distinctly, and the other day you
looked so serious and sorry, asif it meant a great deal to you
to go, But you were givingup everything gladly, without even thinking of
hesitating. The look on your facewas a man's look, not a boy's.

(05:35):
It has meant so much to meto realize this last great thing that
you are doing for me and forthe other girls of our country, that
I had to write and tell youhow much I appreciate it. I have
been wondering whether someone has been knittingyou a sweater yet, and the other
things that they knit for soldiers,and if they haven't, whether you would

(05:55):
let me send them to you.It is the only thing I can do
for you, who have done somuch for me. I hope you will
not think I am presuming to havewritten this on the strength of a childish
acquaintance. I wish you all honorsthat can come to you on such a
quest as yours, And I hadalmost said all good luck, only that
word sounds too frivolous and pagan forsuch a serious matter. So I will

(06:19):
say all safety, for a swiftaccomplishment of your task and a swift homecoming.
I used to think when I wasa little child that nothing could ever
hurt you or make you afraid.And I cannot help feeling now that you
will come through the fire unscathed.May I hope to hear from you about
the sweaters and things, And mayI sign myself your friend, Ruth MacDonald.

(06:44):
John Cameron lifted his eyes from thepaper at last and looked up at
the sky. Had it ever beenso blue before? At the trees?
What whispering wonders of living green?Was that only a bird that was singing
that heavenly song, a meadow lark, not an angel? Why had he
never appreciated meadow larks before? Herested his head back against a big oak,

(07:08):
and his soldier's hat fell off onthe ground. He closed his eyes,
and the burden of loneliness that hadborne down upon him all these weeks
in the camp lifted from his heart. Then he tried to realize what had
come to him. Ruth MacDonald,the wonder and admiration of his childhood days,
the admired and envied of the hometown, the petted beauty at whose

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feet every man fell, the girlwho had everything that wealth could purchase.
She had remembered the little old rosehe had dared to throw on her desk,
and had bridged the years with thisletter. He was carried back in
spirit to the day he left forcamp, to the look in her eyes
as he moved away on the train. The look had been reeled then,

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and not just a fleeting glance helpedout by his fevered imagination. There had
been true friendliness in her eyes.She had intended to say goodbye to him.
She had put him on a levelwith her own beautiful self. She
had knighted him, as it were, and sent him forth. Even the
war had become different since she choseto think he was going forth to fight

(08:13):
her battles. What a sacred trust. Afar in the distance, a bugle
sounded that called to duty. Hehad no idea how time had flown.
He glanced at his wrist watch andwas amazed. He sprang to his feet
and strode over the ground. Butthe way no longer seemed dusty and blinded
with sunshine. It shone like apath of glory before his willing feet,

(08:37):
and he went to his afternoon roundof duties like a new man. He
had a friend, a real friend, one that he had known a long
time. There was no fear thatshe was just writing to him to get
one more soldier at her feet,as some girls would have done. Her
letter was too frank and sincere toleave a single doubt about what she meant.
He would take her at her word. Sometime during the course of the

(09:00):
afternoon, it occurred to him tolook at the date of the letter,
and he found, to his dismaythat it had been written nearly four weeks
before and had been traveling around throughvarious departments in search of him. Because
it had not the correct address,he readily guessed that she had not wanted
to ask for his company and barracks. She would not have known who to

(09:22):
ask. She did not know hismother, and who else was there.
His old companions were mostly gone toFrance or camp somewhere, And now,
since all this time had elapsed,she would think he had not cared,
had scorned her letter, or thoughtit unmaidenly. He was filled with dismay
and anxiety lest he had hurt herfrankness by his seeming indifference. And the

(09:43):
knitted things, the wonderful things thatshe had made with her fair hands,
would she have given them to someoneelse? By this time of course,
it meant little to her, saveas a kind of acknowledgment for something she
thought he had done for her asa child. But they meant so much
to him, much more than theyought to, he knew, for he
was in no position to allow himselfto become deeply attached to even the handiwork

(10:09):
of any girl in her position.However, nobody need ever know how much
he cared, had always cared forthe lovely little girl with her blue eyes,
her long curls, her shy,sweet smile, and modest ways,
who had seemed to him like anangel from heaven when he was a boy.
She had said he did not knowthat he was helping her when he
burst through the hedge on the coweringChuck Woodcock, and he would likely never

(10:33):
dare to tell her that it wasbecause he saw her fright and saw her
hide behind that tree that he wentto investigate, and so was able to
administer a just punishment. He hadpicked that rose from the extreme west corner
of a great petted rose bush onthe Wainwright Lawn, reaching through an elaborate
iron fence to get it. Ashe went cross lots back to school,

(10:56):
he would call it stealing now todo that same, But in it had
been in the nature of a holyrite offered to a vestal virgin. Yet
he must have cast it down withthe grin of an imp boorish urchin that
he was. And he remembered blushinghotly in the dark afterwards at his presumption,
as he thought of it alone atnight, And all the time she

(11:16):
had been liking it, The littlegirl, the little sweet girl. She
had kept it in her heart andremembered it. His heart was light as
air as he went back to thebarracks for retreat. A miracle had been
wrought for him, which changed everything. No, he was not presuming on
a friendly letter. Maybe there wouldbe fellows who would think there wasn't much

(11:39):
in just a friendly letter to alonely soldier and a sweater or two more
or less, but then they wouldnever have known what it was to be
so lonely for friendship, real friendship, as he was. He would hurry
through supper and get to the ym c A Hut to write her an
answer. He would explain how theletter had been delayed, and say he

(12:00):
hoped she had not given the thingsaway to someone else. He began planning
sentences as he stood at attention duringthe captain's inspection at retreat. Somehow,
the captain was tiresomely particular about buttonsand pocket flaps and little details. Tonight,
he waited impatiently for the command tobreak ranks, and was one of

(12:20):
the first at the door of themess hall waiting for supper, his face
alight, still planning what he wouldsay in that letter, and wishing he
could get some fine stationery to writeupon, wondering if there was any to
be had with his cadjuses on it. At supper he bubbled with merriment.
An old schoolmate might have thought himrejuvenated. He wore his schoolboy grin and

(12:41):
rattled off puns and jokes, keepingthe mess hall in a perfect roar.
At last he was out in thecool of the evening, with a wonderful
sunset off in the west. Onhis way to the YMCA Hut. He
turned a corner, swinging into themain road, and there coming toward him,
not twenty feet away, he sawLieutenant Wainwright. End of Chapter five