Episode Transcript
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(00:03):
It's easy to get focused on alot of other things other than
what you're doing.
Hello and welcome to the StandUp Dude podcast.
We are here today,joined with a special guest,
but first. Tim, how are you?Oh, man, I got whiplash right there.
(00:23):
I know I played a fast one on you.I'm doing great. Thank you.
Stuart. Yeah.Hey, uh, I wanted you to actually
enter this guest here, and, uh,because I think that it just works
better that way. Okay, I like that.You're right, you're right.
There's there's invested interest.Yeah, yeah,
although I got I got some invested.And it's just because she's amazing.
So this is Alicia White,Stewart White wife,
(00:48):
and we're so pleased to have her.And with some of the guys that
maybe listen to, like, what areyou this a lady? Like? Yeah. Yes.
Because we want to be here for you.Because I know none of you guys
got all the answers about women.You're either single.
You're you're you're you're marriedor or you're somewhere in between.
(01:09):
And and and you've probably madeso many mistakes along the way.
You've messed up.You didn't understand I said this,
I meant that, um.Uh, Alicia is going to dive in,
give us some tools.And we were talking as we were
warming up. Just saying.Talking about giving you guys
some some keys to the locks.But then we discovered, well,
women got lots of lots,lots of them, in a good sense.
(01:33):
And so we're going to have a lotof keys to offer you.
And we're glad that you're here.And thank you for being here.
Creative, sweet, insightful,hardworking, uh, young lady here,
young woman. Really beautiful.Really beautiful. Stop, stop.
Yeah, mom. She's a mama as well.And she's got some great kids.
(01:53):
Some cool kids.So glad you guys are here.
Well, so, Tim, as you were kind ofhinting at there, our big idea here
is solving some of the problemsthat men have when it comes to
their relationship with women.What is it that you run into the
most?What are the mysteries that you
can't seem to solve?The problems you keep butting up
(02:14):
into again and again?And as you also said, you know,
every woman is going to be alittle bit different.
But there are things that holdfairly universal across the spectrum
of just human beings in general.But women specifically have
particular traits and characteristicsthat they're universally going
(02:34):
to find in men appealing oroffensive or any of those things.
So we wanted to get your insighton those things, please,
and find out, you know, help usunlock the mysteries that are women.
Go. Okay. Let's do it. Wow. Okay.Um, well, first of all,
(02:55):
thank you for having me here.I love what you guys are doing
on this podcast.It's really, um, it's meeting needs.
It's answering questions.It's covering important topics.
So I appreciate and am humbled tobe here. Thanks for having me.
Good. Great show. Okay.We're done. Excellent job. Okay.
So I want to jump right into this andstart off with the what do women
(03:17):
wish men understood about them?Because unfortunately, as a man,
I hate to admit it.I'm an idiot and I think I know
things.And then I'm like, wait, what?
And I know married to you, I'vehad that too many times to count.
So I want to ask you, uh,what are kind of the top things that
(03:37):
women wish men understood about them?Emotionally? Spiritually?
Uh, just as a creature that isdifferent than them.
The very first thing that cameto my mind.
And I don't want to speak forall women, but I do think I can
speak for most women,or at least most healthy women,
or mostly healthy women.Women want to be pursued.
(04:01):
They want to be sought after.I think men often say like,
well, I just never know.I can't figure you out or I
don't know when to pursue youand when not to pursue you.
And I feel like I pursue you and youpush me away. And, um, I'm really.
I'm just saying things to.Has told me. Yeah. Yeah.
So this is from personal and fromall the husbands I've been asking
(04:22):
the general population. Yeah.Yeah, but I know, I know, for me,
there are times where my brain.I have so much going on, I have so
much I'm thinking and I'm feeling.And I just need to be asked a
question.I just need to be pursued because it
feels like I'm carrying so much,and I don't want to necessarily
(04:46):
be a burden by unloading mythoughts and feelings.
But sometimes I just need thatquestion of like.
It's almost giving you permission.Like, hey.
I think me yeah, I think men I thinkwomen want men to be curious. Mhm.
What's so funny is I,I speaking as a man, I know we are,
(05:06):
but we aren't always curious to thepoint of asking an actual question,
which leads to more confusion.It's a curiosity of confusion
than it is a curiosity of tryingto grow and learn.
And I'm still I still wrestlewith that, as you can attest.
But I do know that when I havepursued you,
(05:27):
when I have asked questions andand I want to add to that,
you can tell me if I'm wrong here.This has been a difficult thing to
learn, but asking questions to askthem and not to solve the problem
necessarily, which as guys were like,what do you mean you don't want
to solve the problem?You know, let me just solve the
(05:49):
problem for you.That's not it, guys. That's not.
That's not most of the time I'veheard of guys that ask,
is this a time where you want meto ask questions, or do you want
me to solve the problem?I would add to that women know when
you're asking questions just becauseyou need to check it off the box,
like the chick, like when youare asking. That though, right?
(06:09):
You did it yesterday.And brutal. Brutal. Yeah.
Um, you show women value by showinginterest in and caring about what
they think and feel, and you'replacing value on the the inside,
the emotional part of it.And I think most people have heard
(06:31):
like there's an emotional piece.Women want to emotionally.
Men want to physically connect.Women want to emotionally connect.
Women have a very hard timephysically connecting unless
they have been emotionallyconnected with first.
So if you want a key to akingdom right there,
that's a pretty important one.Like Like actually seek to
understand.Because if you don't,
(06:52):
if you're not asking questionsabout what she thinks and what
she feels about something,but you expect her to want to be
physically intimate, that thatjust makes her feel used. Yeah.
It's just like, well, he just caresabout me for what I can do for him
and not about what I actually thinkor feel about things. Mhm. Okay.
(07:12):
So when you said that we like tobe women, like to have questions
asked of them, would that bebecause when you get to answer,
first of all he initiatedsomething other than a task list.
I'm really bad at lists. Yeah.And and so when he asks you a
question like that, um,then that's that's that's that's
(07:35):
like a little half step forward.I think the bigger step.
Is this true? Please correct me.That's why I'm here. Yeah.
I would like I want to learn as wellthat when you're asked a question.
Um, the the real key is in many wayshas not a lot to do with your answer.
It's. Is he listening? It?Does he feel me? Does he?
(08:01):
Did he ask this just to check abox so he can be physical?
Or is this because he actually feelsme and wants to be and allow me to
be seen? Yeah. Is it more of that?And I think there's some layers
under there I could go on, but um,does that at least the first real,
actual step forward when you'reasked a question and then his
(08:25):
response is not his words,but but how he's receiving it. Yeah.
I think by asking a question to awoman and truly caring about what
her answer is, because you wantto know you desire after her.
You desire not just the physicalaspect, but the emotional aspect,
she feels connected.So if you want to foster connection,
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then you need to know about whereshe's at emotionally and you need
to actually want to hear it.Not just to check off a box.
Would it be safe to say it's notidentical, but it's akin to when
you're a little girl and you go toyour dad and you want him to see you.
You want him to notice you andto spend time.
And when he does, it just fills yourtank. You know, you're you feel joy.
(09:14):
You feel cared for.You feel loved and seen.
If men can get that now,that same kind of concept exists.
It just is a much,much more serious one.
Maybe even, uh, if we can get that,that's going to go.
It's very far in theirrelationship with their with their
wife specifically is what we'retalking about here too. Okay.
(09:35):
So I want to move into that themarriage side a little deeper here.
Um, and actually first Startingoff with the single men because
we've talked about marriage here.What advice would you give them then
for preparing in a relationship?Because they may not.
Obviously, as a Christian,we're saying, hey, don't be doing
(09:55):
certain things before you're married.Save that for after.
How can they still be practicingthese things in a way that's still
godly? I love this question.How can we be practicing what
and be godly? I missed that.Well, relating to your significant
other in this situation.Yeah, relating to a woman in a way
(10:17):
where she feels seen, she feelsheard, valued and cherished. Okay.
Um, while also not crossingboundaries that should be there.
You also said something aboutpreparing for for that.
So I want to answer that as well.Um, I think there are ways that you
can appropriately ask questionsof your female friends, but would
(10:38):
would this be to like a girlfriendspecifically or just any any. Yeah.
Well, I think it could go either way.It could be women that you're
friends with, women that youhave a romantic interest in,
but maybe you haven't started arelationship with yet. Yeah.
Um, how how can they be doing thisin an appropriate way? Yeah. Okay.
And growing in theirrelationship with this.
(10:58):
Person, I would say it startswith selflessness.
Um, the the less you areconcerned about yourself, um,
and the more you are concerned about.Well, this goes for all this isn't
just male female relationships,but this goes for all relationships.
If you can stop thinking aboutyourself, uh, there's that line
(11:18):
like how to become the mostinteresting person in the room.
Maybe it's a book.Um, but the first one,
the first question on the list is,um, ask questions and actually
seek to understand.So if you can stop thinking
about yourself and what you wantfrom a situation like,
I really want to get her attention,how do I get her attention?
Oh, I should ask her questions,and I should pretend like I want
(11:38):
to know what the answer is no.Like actually care about about
her and what is important to her.And stop thinking about what you
will get out of the situation.Um, and I think it's I think at
the root of it, it is there's aselfishness that comes with we have
an expectation of relationships.Men to women, women to men.
(12:02):
We have an expectation of whatcan I get from this person and
what will it do for me?And I think if we can let that go
and, and say, like, what valuecan I give to this relationship,
whether it's a friend or aromantic interest, like,
how can I bring value to them andhelp them feel connected and seen?
(12:23):
So I've heard an interestingpicture of basically what we're
talking about.Let's say you have two people in
a in a car and let's say, um,they're trying to kind of get to
know each other.Maybe it's the first time encounter.
Counter.Um, and one person,
let's call it the driver is talking,and, and the passenger asks a
(12:46):
question and the driver goes onand answers it. And just the lid.
The lid comes off. Not in a bad way.Just, just just goes and pours their
heart out to this person for likefive minutes without stopping.
And and the passenger says a fewwords and they and they get out
(13:08):
of the car and they getseparated and somebody says,
hey, how was your ride?Uh, how was that ride there with
with, uh, with Stuart and.Oh, y'all just first met, right?
Yeah. Gosh, he was awesome.I really loved that.
I loved our time together.And all you did was pour your heart
(13:30):
out, and and and that was it.It was just kind of.
I've heard that this is a beautifulthing that sometimes when people
encounter you to let them speak andwhen they say, how was your when hey,
how was that when you met?Oh man, they were great.
And and they did nothing other thanlet them, uh, they just listened.
Hold the held space for them.In essence,
that's a it's a great lead.And I heard something recently
(13:53):
from a gentleman, uh, a friend,um, he's a Christian therapist,
Phil Herndon, and he said, um,the the best thing you can do for
somebody when they're in a placeof anxiety or trauma is to give
them a voice, to not try to fix it,like you said in the beginning,
but to give them a,a safe space to have a voice.
(14:16):
And I think for women, women arecarrying a lot like the men are too.
But women have depending ontheir season of life.
They've got work, they've got kids,they've got the household,
they've got cooking dinner and theirfriendships and their relationships
and their family is. in.There's so much going on in a woman's
(14:37):
brain that if she can have a safeplace, if you can be a safe space for
her to just have a voice and be ableto communicate safely everything
that she's thinking and feeling,then she will feel connected to
you and she will feel seen.And women want to feel seen.
They they want they don't want to bealone. And they want to feel seen.
(15:00):
It seems so simple.And yet we blow that all the time,
don't we? Yeah.As men, we're definitely.
It's like, okay, be connected.Feel seen. Oh, okay. How do how.
Do we do that?We go into the fix. I know. Yes.
I mean, you know, a problem.To be solved. Yeah.
It's a beautiful thing, man.That's a beautiful thing.
If you're a fixer and you're a man.Praise the Lord. Seriously?
(15:23):
Yeah. Good job. And keep fixing.Keep standing.
But when it comes with with yourrelationships to women.
From, If I may summarize,they just want you to to to stand
for them. They want to be seen.They want to be heard and not fixed.
And man is that an antiintuitive to us.
(15:46):
If we get asked a question as a guywe're put on the spot to fix it
aren't we. I mean that's where I go.That's just what we do and
that's okay.But man there's this,
there's this piece.When you're talking to the opposite
sex, whether it's your your sisteror a friend that's a girl or a
girlfriend or your wife or evenyour grandmother or your mom,
(16:09):
they just they they just want toexpress themselves.
I know we've said that for the last15 minutes, but it's like Stu said,
it's just that simple.And, man, um, it's kind of like
riding in the car with the personthat really just did all the talking.
And they get out and they go,yeah, they were great.
(16:29):
I, they were great,and they hardly said anything.
And I think there's a there'ssome good insight there, guys.
So something I wanted to hit, uh,to the, to the single person.
How can they stand out as somebodythat is worth a woman's attention?
Oh,I have such a quick answer to this.
Yeah. Have vision. Oh, really? Yes.Know where you are going in life,
(16:54):
and you will very easily find a womanwho can get on board with that.
Yeah. Going back to creation.God created a helper and a woman.
I think most women have.We have a piece in us that is
meant to help. We want.We want to help. Um.
And that's how God designedmarriage to be.
You know, he designed it to be asymbiotic relationship and to help.
(17:15):
It's an equal partnership.But the woman is a helper. Um.
Helpmate. Helpmate? Yes.And so women want to help people that
are that know where they're going.They want to help a guy that
knows where where he's going.Didn't see that one coming,
did you? No.I mean, I kind of knew,
but I didn't know.I didn't know that's how she
(17:36):
would answer that.Uh, so there's a scripture that
goes with that. Very well.Uh, and it says my people perish
for lack of vision.Some some say knowledge or whatever,
but it's more like a vision oflack of seeing or purpose.
And I think what you're describingthere is a man who has no vision.
(17:57):
It's sort of like you'restumbling around blind.
And I could see I'm putting tryingto put myself into the shoes of,
of a woman going,I want to follow this guy around,
but I don't anymore because hehas no idea what he's doing,
where he's going.So it's like competence, it's
confidence, it's direction. Yeah.Those all follow. What is attractive.
(18:18):
I'll speak for myself.And women, especially women with
strong personalities or leader, likethere are a lot of leader type women.
Leader women don't just want to lead.They also want to be led because
to lead is exhausting.When you lead all the time,
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you need to be able to go home andhave a safe place to just know that
if you don't lead for a minute,it's still going to go in a good
direction. Yes.So if you are,
if you are a man who has vision,direction, knows where he is
going and you know how to, um,blend that with a woman who has who
has vision and who is a helpmate.And you'll be a force that cannot be,
(19:04):
cannot be reckoned with, can't be,can't be reckoned with. Yeah.
Which is. Also cannot. Right.English gets me every time.
So vision, direction.Be the kind of man who can lead
and also support a woman who whoalso can lead.
Here's something that thank youfor I like this.
Uh, something that I've seen iswe see it in churches often, um,
(19:30):
where the men just, uh, shrink back,dial back, um, uh, stop leading in
essence. And guess who steps up?It's the women.
And then we complain. Not cool.And so I think what happens is,
is when when men stop leading,then the, the feminine,
(19:52):
they're super strong, by the way.Incredibly strong big time is
that they will they will put onwhat I sometimes call the, the,
the um the male mask becausetheir desire is to be led.
And if you're not going to lead,they're going to put it on.
(20:12):
And then guess what, guys?If they're wearing the male mask,
we're starting, we're going tostart acting, or they're going
to see us as the little boy or,or And nobody, no woman wants to
be married to a little boy.And so when when you're leading,
they feel, uh.Correct me if I'm wrong,
(20:33):
but they feel secure.They feel more operative in
their femininity.Because now they can be. They can.
They don't have to wear the malemask. It's like one of those things.
They can they can take it off andand operate in their femininity and
their beauty and and and feel secure.And guess what?
When they're leading in theirsecurity,
(20:54):
because Alicia is a leader, shecan lead in in that with security.
When Stu is is the leader of ofof how God has built him and
continues to step up.She finds freedom in there.
And that's that symbiotic thingthat was kind of described.
So I wish that I could say to that.I have knocked that out of the
(21:15):
park and it's not true.I have I'm still barely scratching
the surface, I think, on graspingthis and not just grasping.
It's like I can mentallyunderstand this.
It's the putting it intopractice every day.
But I hope that maybe sharingthat would give some guys out
there hope because it isn't easy.We're not saying it is.
(21:38):
Conceptually it might be,but you're dealing with people you're
not dealing with, um, you know, bitsand pieces in a program or something.
So yeah, it's it's about your ownheart and being willing to humble
yourself and being willing to thinkof somebody else more than. You.
And to love somebody beyond yourown life.
And I want to be clear to thatwhen I say vision, leadership,
(22:00):
um, direction, take charge.When I say words like that,
I don't mean like there's,there's a, there's a version of
this that I think men um, in,in vision and that is like the
cosmetic, if that's the right term,the like how it how it shows up.
Like, I just need to talk firmlyand I need the superficial.
(22:21):
Yeah, and I'm just gonna tellher what we're doing,
and I'm just gonna have a plan andtell her to get on board with it.
That will not go over.See how well that goes. Yes.
So don't do that. It's.It's that women want to see that
you do have a vision and that youwill consider their heart in it.
Consider what they say and womenlike. I want to be a part of a team.
(22:41):
I don't want to be alone.And when I feel like we're not
co-leading or like when I'm tired, I.I can trust him that he's going to,
that he's going to be able totake it because women are going
to do what needs to be done.Most women just see the gap there.
It's a gift.They see the gap and they say no
one's leading there.So I guess I'm going to do it.
And that is a surefire way tolose respect.
(23:04):
Men want respect and women willrespect a man who can lead.
Can I want to share something tothat?
Because I think it was this morning.You you leaned over and you said
to me, hey,you've been really helpful lately.
Oh, and I was like, oh, thanks.You know, I think I said something
silly because I always respondwith funny things, but, um,
(23:26):
but then as I thought about it,I was like, you know, she knows that,
but it's because there's probablya lot of times where I'm not and
it's both appreciated,like you recognized it.
You gave that affirmation,which is something men do want.
We want to be affirmed in what we'regood at, and we want to be told,
hey, good job, buddy, you know?But on the other hand, too,
(23:48):
it reveals, like,you weren't doing a good job, Stu.
Like, oftentimes you're not helpful.And I know how that can be, like,
maybe a lot of guys are like me.You can get kind of single track
mind.You're like, I just got to get this
thing done, and I can't focus onanything else but the thing and
everybody around you is like,this is on fire. This is going crazy.
(24:09):
The kids are going nuts.And and you're like, well,
I'm doing something importantover here. So, so figure it out.
You know, and that's not that's justnot what we're supposed to be doing.
Like, if it's if I'm doing allof that, what's the point?
You know, what's the point ofdoing something to grow a business
or anything if my marriage isfalling apart? My kids are a mess.
(24:30):
Yeah. There you. Go.This vision just popped into my mind,
but I think it's helpful.I think life and family.
And if you can picture that as,like, a carriage.
And there are the two drafthorses that are pulling the
carriage forward.If one draft horse is just constantly
thinking about their own stuffand what's going on in their mind
(24:50):
and the job that they have to do,and they're just kind of.
And the other draft horse is,is like, I feel like I'm always
like pulling your weight.You know what I mean?
Like,you're thinking about your own thing,
and I'm and I'm thinking about this,this weight that we're pulling.
We're pulling it together.Right? This is a team effort.
And so I think women, um, women,just when I say they don't want
(25:14):
to feel alone.If you can picture that the cart is
the thing that you're pulling andyou're doing it together as a team,
then are you both?Are you both thinking of the
other one?And you're like, we are in this
together. We are doing this together.We are pulling this weight together.
And so when you say when I say like,that's how I felt this morning,
(25:35):
recognizing you had been so helpfullately, and I didn't feel like I
was pulling the cart alone.It's so I felt like we were
pulling it together.All right, well, it's encouraging.
And on the other hand, it's like,oh man, the fact is I wasn't
doing it before, but it's great.I'm like, hey, okay, keep doing
more of that. More of that.Yeah, women can do it too.
This is not just like a men'sconversation.
(25:56):
You know, women can do this.This is. That's a very good point.
Two way street.Here's, uh, speaking of,
my dad was a pastor, very busy 22,000member church, wrote 40 books.
You know,it was on all kind of boards.
His Approach from my mom as she wouldnotice his maybe twinkle in the eye.
(26:21):
Let's just get down to the facts.Um, she would always say that that
that sex starts in the kitchen.What that means is in this reference,
when, when when Alicia saidyou've been more helpful.
So to be the the the when if you'remarried or guys if you're not,
um, clean help clean the dishesafter dinner.
(26:44):
Help wipe off the table, take outthe trash and don't be asked.
But it's those little extrasteps where they feel seen and
understood and cared for.And, um,
I just hope that that helps somebody.But, um, uh, I've been married
28 years, and, uh, I have foundthat when I'm doing those things
(27:07):
around the house and guess what?There are days where you will
not be almost always.You won't be acknowledged per se
when that happens.I'll add to that,
because I think there's another wordthat you asked in the beginning,
what can single men be doing toprepare for a relationship or to be,
(27:28):
um, the kind of man that isdesired by a woman?
Um, along with vision and direction,I would say initiative.
Um, you said you said, uh,don't wait to be asked to do
something. Just do it.Women do not want to have to ask men.
We are already mothers.We don't want to mother our husbands.
(27:48):
You know, that's. That's very unsexy.No, they're like no. Yeah.
Whatever I was about to saywasn't gonna work on camera,
so I'm gonna move on. But.But if you are a man who can show
initiative that will make you sodesirable to a woman because they
will know I don't have to motherthis guy. I can just be on his team.
(28:08):
Yeah. Yeah.And I mean, there are going to
be times where that thing thatattracts you also repels you.
Um, but that's okay.Like, we're not talking about you
get this right and it's perfect.It's roses because we know we're
humans.We were broken and flawed and,
uh, sinful and everything else.And so we're going to have times
(28:30):
of selfishness.We're going to have times of,
uh, I did the thing right,but for the wrong motive.
Um, and all of that happensquite often, but it's about
making that progress forward anddoing it from the right heart.
I wanted to lead into a questionhere about, uh, a man's relationship
(28:50):
with God and how that affectshis ability to lead his family
and to lead, uh, his, his futureand his wife and everybody else.
How important do you think that is?And how can a man be growing his
relationship with God?Like, do you put value on that,
actually, as a woman? Oh, yeah, I.I think that if we're talking about
(29:14):
a healthy Christian relationship,um, where both spouses have a
relationship with the Lord,I believe that if the wife is has
a strong relationship with theLord and the husband has a strong
relationship with the Lord,then they're going to be hearing
from the same voice, which is goingto put them on the same path.
(29:36):
If the wife is listening to the voiceof the Lord and is hearing from
the spirit and senses something,and the husband is not like the
husband doesn't have a strongrelationship with the Lord, then
whose voice is he listening to? Yeah.He's either listening to his own
voice, which is selfishness.Um, it's going to get him in a
lot of trouble.Or he's listening to somebody else's
voice that has his ear in the world.But either way,
(29:59):
they're not going to be able tobe on the same page because the
voices aren't going to line up.So it's a it's an equal thing,
just as just as important forwomen to have a good relationship
with the Lord as a man.But back to the leadership.
The vision and direction part.Where are you getting your vision?
Are you coming up with it onyour own?
Or are you actually seeking thevoice of the Lord?
(30:20):
Because there's probably a lot ofmen out there who could be like,
my vision is that I'm going to get avan and I'm going to do whatever
I want, and I'm going to go,you know, to the bar every night.
It's like he's got he's got drive.Yeah.
I'm going to go live by the in avan down by the river.
He's got drive,but it's not really taught anything.
It's not with purpose.And so what I'm hearing you say is
(30:41):
it's so important to be pluggedinto the source of truth and the
source of vision and life.And if you're not, uh, it doesn't
really matter what vision you have,because it's probably going to
pale in comparison to what God'svision is for you.
And is it true that that that awoman, uh, would really like to
know that her man is plugged into,as Stu has just described,
(31:06):
in case maybe she is not.Maybe she's too tired that that at
that, at that season of her life.And but to knowing that there's a
as a pillar in her home that isdoing his darndest and putting the
work in and then that has to thathas to bring some true comfort to
(31:27):
a woman's soul. Yeah, absolutely.I think I think God is a
holistic God.He he cares about our mental,
spiritual, physical,emotional health, all of it.
So if you have a if you have ahusband who, um,
take takes initiative in theirphysical health and gets up and goes
to the gym every morning at five and,and he's providing for the family,
(31:52):
um, and he, and he's trying to be abetter person and working on his
mental health, all of those things.But there's still the spiritual
aspect of it.That's a part of part of our makeup.
That's who we are.So if you're not if you're not
putting any effort into thespiritual health,
then there is a quarter of yourbeing that is not being attended to.
(32:14):
Um, and I don't know how youcould like, we should be focused
on all of those things.I forget who who was it? Um. Oh, man.
Some some kind of, like,inspirational guru type guy in
the Christian sector.But he he had this whole thing
about your life being like a wheel.And if you each section of it,
(32:34):
you've got your faith, you've gotyour marriage, you've got your work,
you've got your fitness.And each one, if it's neglected,
it's like a flat tire.You want them to be balanced.
Oh, that's the wheel rolls and you'renot. Boom boom boom boom boom boom.
Going down the road going.Why is that? What is that noise?
Um, I know that's very hard to do.Living a balanced life.
(32:56):
Living a disciplined life inthat way is is difficult.
But as men, we know, difficult thingsare the things we are made to do.
And from what I'm hearing youdescribe, it's this growing as a
man in each of these areas.It doesn't mean that you've
nailed them.You're not going to nail them
until you're in heaven.You're not going to be perfect.
It's that it's an attitude ofthe heart. Really.
(33:17):
Like, I know I need to go to the gym,I know I need and I definitely
know I need to go to the gym.I know I need to be in the word.
I know I need to be spending timewith godly men who who build me up.
I know I need to be pouring intomy wife all of those things.
Um, that attitude of my heart growingin that direction is so critical.
I wanted to add to that,because it reminded me that women
(33:40):
love men who do what they say theywill do because it builds trust.
And if you say,I know I need to do this, and I
know I need to do that, women takenote of that and then they watch.
And so if you don't get up andgo to the gym tomorrow morning,
I'm going to look at you and sayhe's not doing what he said.
(34:02):
And I hate to use the trash analogy,but it's like it always comes
back to taking out the trash.It seems like if she just wants
you to take out the trash,you say you're going to take it out.
Take it out. It's a simple thing.You know, thankfully, you have
been very good about the trash.You know, some language.
I think it's important around thatis I have to take out the trash.
I have to work out.I have to take the kids to to school
(34:26):
in the morning is I get to work out.I get to take out the trash.
I get to take the kids to,to to school in the morning. Um.
It's helped. It's helped me.That's good.
Um, the the the the descriptionof the wheel.
Um, it's not the first time I'vethought this because I've seen this
(34:46):
wheel you spoke of. Yeah, the.Wheel of which you. Have spoke of.
Um, it sounds exhausting. Yeah.And there's I imagined, like a, you
know how a piece of pie is shaped andit's all going towards that center
axle and you've got the workout,you've got the keeping care of the
finances, you've got the the kids,you got the wife, you got the
(35:08):
exercise, you got the the time off,you got the scripture reading,
you got the men's Bible study thing,you got the oh my word.
It sounds exhausting,exhausting to be able to keep that
wheel from getting flat on one side,and then all of a sudden it's like,
(35:29):
oh my gosh.So here's here's what has been
helpful to me is that there arethere are seasons in our life now.
The the the off seasons are notexcuses.
They're just realistically, um,I'm 62 and there are seasons.
I like to think of it think, guys,if you're trying to get started,
(35:52):
think of the wheel as this big.It doesn't have to be a tractor
tire this big.What are the things in there?
Are there three then? Do those.And there may be some times where
you're going to get clumps.But guess what?
Continue that wheel spinning youget you get back on there. So.
So start with a smaller wheelbecause it sounds exhausting.
(36:14):
Because the older you get andthe more that that that life
brings you and the challengesthat are brought to you can
actually be great gifts to you.They will, they will,
they'll call you forward to thatnext season, these difficulties.
But accept those and keep rolling.And and don't be don't don't don't.
(36:34):
Um. Don't be burdened.Don't be burdened.
Do your 3 or 4 things.Well, I used to have 15.
Now I've got like, four, and, um.And it's been helpful. Um, again.
Um, then sometimes, you know,it's okay.
Let the little, little, little tireout of the air. Out of the tire.
I personally have a very hardtime doing that.
(36:56):
I have a hard time resting.So to hear this week was
exhausting just now.Um, but, you know, there are times
you can let some little air out.It doesn't mean you let any of
them go, but you're like rest.I mean, think of the creator of
the world, and then we'll move on.But think of the creator of the
world. He took a day off.He doesn't need that. But.
(37:20):
But he calls us to that.The Sabbath is.
And I'm getting way off of theSabbath is a new thing for me.
I'm actually not working out onthe Sabbath. I'm resting.
I'm not working.Just those will help you. Help that.
Will you continue on the otherdays of the week?
If you're spinning seven days.Not good.
(37:43):
It's not the way we were designed.So, um, you're gonna.
Wear yourself out? Yeah. Stay in.Stay. Stay in the battle.
Keep rolling is the best way Ican put it.
And and watch your pie piecesthat you put in there.
Just do do the ones you do real well.I do want to ask you back to the
singleness part for the guys whoare single, dating or not,
(38:04):
or looking to date.What encouragement can you give
them that about their singlenessof how they can use that?
And what are the next steps in their,their life like to to whether
they pursue a woman or not?This quote came to mind.
I just thought of it and I don't knowwho originally coined it, but it says
(38:25):
the reason why I'm successful andyou're not is because we're both
focused on what I'm doing. Mhm.And it,
it made me think for the single guy.I think they're they,
it's easy to get focused on a lotof other things other than what
you're doing. What are you doing.If we, if you're doing the first
thing you've got your relationshipwith the Lord strong,
(38:47):
and you're listening to the voiceof truth and you're focused on
what he's called you to do. Mhm.Then everything will fall into
alignment with that. Yeah.The other. Um.
Who was it that said love God anddo whatever you want. Mhm. Yeah.
You know that sounds like Psalm37 four.
Delight yourself in the Lord andhe'll give you the desires of
your heart. Yeah. Love the Lord.Do what you want. Yeah.
(39:08):
It's it's. It was. I don't.Maybe you're good with this junk.
Okay. He said, love the Lord.Love the Lord with your whole
heart and do whatever you want.Because if that's what you're
doing as a single guy, if you lovethe Lord with your whole heart,
and you're pursuing those desiresthat fall under alignment with
what he's created you to be, um,then those other pieces are
(39:31):
going to fall into place.I think I think what it comes down to
is, do you trust him? Do you trust?If you're a believer,
if you're a Christian and you have agood relationship with the Lord,
well, even if you don't,do you trust that he's going to
take care of you if you follow,if you are pressing into him.
If he's. He's giving you the vision.It's a faith thing.
(39:53):
Um, and so,so the that scripture in Isaiah,
I think, you know, whether youturn to the right or to the left,
you'll hear a voice behind yousaying, this is the way. Walk in it.
And I think of that for a single guy,like there's a faith aspect that
comes when you trust the Lordand you just say, I'm going.
(40:14):
I'm not going to stand in one place.I'm not going to get lazy and
complacent.I'm not going to wait for life
to happen to me.I'm going to have vision,
direction, goals, initiative.I know that I'm not going to do
it right the whole time.I'm going to make mistakes,
but I'm I'm going to walk in it.Women will get on board with that.
I think there's something here.I want to point out you could
(40:37):
probably find a bunch of podcasts,a bunch of shows on YouTube where a
woman gets on and she talks about,like, I want him to have a six pack.
I want like, not that these arethings you wouldn't want.
I'm sure they. Do.They do want you to have.
They do want you to have a six.Really? For real?
Come on,give us a give us the inside. I'm 38.
I don't care anymore, but,I mean, it'd be. Nice or not.
Bad. Okay, okay.But the bigger thing is,
(41:03):
all the things you have listed arethe underpinning, foundational
elements of all the rest, you know,fall into place. Hopefully.
Maybe you don't have a six pack,I don't know, but if you are a man
who has vision, you have purpose.You're connected to your creator.
You are living for somethingbigger than yourself.
These are all things that awoman is going to take notice.
(41:26):
And she's going to say,whether it's your wife or it's a
girl that you are dating or it'sa girl you're thinking of dating,
you have to trust in faith.I'm going to pursue this and not
worry so much about do I have do Ihave abs? Do I look good in the gym?
Do I like all of these things?Are the things that are you're shown
on social media and everythingto to be a man worth having.
(41:48):
But you lack substance.You lack depth.
And what you're saying is get depthfirst and then get a six pack. Yeah.
Yeah. Or do it at the same time.Why not both? Yeah. Why not?
It's not an either or. Yeah it is.It's the character. I just.
Really am trying to get out ofgetting this six. Pack.
I know you are.I feel like I'm not going to let
you off the hook. Hey. Insight.Evidently. Uh, is diet not as much?
(42:13):
It's not the sit ups. Like 80%.Diet. It's 80% diet. Yeah.
I'm sure that that's no revelationto anybody, but it's really,
every time I've cut back, I end upgetting a little bit of one without
doing a single six sit up, which is.Kind of crazy. What did you.
What did you say your mom usedto say to your dad?
Sex starts in the kitchen.In the kitchen. So do.
(42:33):
You like that? Coincidence?I think. Not. Anyway. So when?
When when your wife or your guyspracticing,
it would be your girlfriend. Um.When? When a woman, um, is emoting.
Mhm. Okay. She's an unknown.In essence. Unleashing.
(42:55):
Um, in in something that maybeher girlfriend said or or or
three girlfriends are saying.It's just like, uh, whatever
scenario she's emoting to her,let's say to her husband.
Uh, or for my wife, to me.My wife did emoted this morning
(43:16):
about something that was that'sgoing on with a couple of her
friends and a neighbor.And my question is this when when
a when a woman is is emoting.We want my instinct, like we've
already talked about is to fix it.I can, I could I feel like I
could speak into it and go, well,duh duh duh. And fix the matter yet?
(43:40):
Um, my question is this.When a woman is emoting,
is is it a little bit of a test of,look, I, I'm, I'm, I have a million
feelings going on right now and I've,I've got to to express them.
I wonder if they're asking 1 or2 questions.
(44:01):
One is am I am I safe to be ableto do that right here?
And if if I break down,if I'm having a breakdown in this
moment in the future, are you.This is maybe a little bit deeper.
Are you going to to hold spacefor me?
Am I going to be able to trust thatyou're going to still be here?
(44:23):
Am I going to be able to to to knowthat you're going to stand in the
if if I see myself in the futurewith you, if I do this right now,
are you going to still.Are you still going to be there?
Can I do that?Can I do this right now in this
space, knowing that you're stillgoing to be holding space for me.
(44:46):
Does that make any sense? It does.Okay. I hope so, but I think I.
Think of it almost like a test,sometimes from a feminine heart,
not from your head. Yeah.What happens when? When?
What do you wanting?Do you think when you do that?
I think women do that.I think when most women are
emoting like that,because the majority of women,
not all, but the majority, are verbalprocessors they're trying to grasp.
(45:09):
They're trying to figure outwhat they actually do feel.
And because verbally processing helpsus just get it all out when we hear
it. We can kind of assess it and it.It's hard.
You can't just sit there andverbally process by yourself.
So they want when you said a safeplace, they do want a safe place.
(45:30):
And generally they're their partner,their husband, their boyfriend.
That's going to be the safestspace that they have to be able
to verbally process.So I think it's what going back to
what you said in the very beginning,like the passenger seat being a
safe place for a woman to beable to verbally process and ask
(45:52):
her questions.If you ask her questions,
you will help her.The this is the spectrum of female
emotion. Like it's all up here.The more they get to talk about it
and ask questions, and they are inthe process of discovering what they
actually feel about a situation,they don't actually feel all of
these things that they're saying,right. So you think they are.
(46:14):
Yes. It's not they're.Trying to figure out what that
thing is that they do feel.So just be in that moment.
Flip the script and be ahelpmate for them.
They help you with a lot of stuff.Be a helpmate for them.
Ask them questions and just knowthat they're just trying to drill
down to what it actually is thatthey're thinking and feeling.
(46:35):
You know, for me,I got a short comment on that.
But for me, when my wife is isdoing this and she's eventually
working to hear my message after28 years of marriage and being a
pretty driven man, I immediatelythe first thing I go to every time
(46:56):
is I don't have time for this.And my challenge to me,
and possibly to other men out there,is that you do have time for this.
Um, what is possibly more important?Sure.
Your job, your your your vision,your deadlines.
(47:17):
Those are super important.But, man, for us to be able to
hold space to the to the womanthat we said I do to. Yeah.
That that it's the mother of ourchildren.
That's the keeper of the householdin essence around our house.
Um, when she's.When she's needing you to be there.
(47:40):
You do have time. And, um.The older that I've gotten,
the longer I've stayed married, themore I'm convinced that this is, uh.
What they want is our time,our attention, and for us to not
listen with our heads,but to listen with our hearts and
just hear them and not fix them.I think that's where initiative
(48:00):
comes back into.Just to add to that, because
everything you said was dead on,but they don't want to have to ask
for it. They want you to pursue them.So don't just have the time.
Make the time when,like she does not want to tell
you that she needs a date.She wants to to know that you
want to take her.Are you talking to me right now?
That's a good word. Such a good word.Last night we went to a, um,
(48:23):
a really nice, uh, event, uh,for a fundraiser and a very,
very nice home.And my wife dressed up, and I dressed
up and and we went And we got homelast night about 11:00 and she said,
oh, you you didn't ask to take apicture. I'm like, oh my, really?
(48:44):
Like she wanted for me to havethought not to fit to her.
I sent my comment and it wasn'tthe best comment.
I said, well, you could have asked.That was with my head, not with I was
hearing with my head, not my heart.And I was went into a little
self-protection mode when I shouldhave said I should have taken a
(49:05):
picture because I thought you lookedbeautiful and which was which was the
true answer, but I, I didn't takethat initiative to take that picture.
And I think that's what you're,you're, you're, you're alluding to is
for men to take the initiative, um,to do those things that a woman's
heart is, is desiring without being.Asked because it shows
(49:27):
thoughtfulness.It shows thoughtfulness
concerning thinking. Yeah, yeah.great that we're literally thinking
about them. Oh my word. Yeah.Alicia, thank you for being on the
show today. We've discussed marriage.We've discussed women and what they
think of men and wish men knew.We've discussed things all over
the spectrum here,but I wanted to give you, uh,
(49:50):
the spotlight one last time,to give one last piece of
encouragement or advice to themen listening and watching.
And, uh, what would you say to themif they are trying to take this in
and process it and take it to heart?I would say I think a lot of men
are either too hard on themselvesor or not don't hold themselves
(50:12):
to enough of a standard,too high of a standard,
or not enough of a standard.There's a beautiful middle that
you can find.If the Lord doesn't even expect
things of you,you shouldn't expect them of you.
So you don't have to shoot forperfection.
You don't shoot for perfection.You need Jesus for that.
That's what you go to Jesus for.Yeah.
(50:33):
Um, but also,do not be lazy and complacent.
Do not, um, do not just think thatthat life is going to happen to you.
God put you on this earth.He has a purpose for you.
Use your hand, get to work,and become the man that is deserving
(50:54):
of the type of woman that you want.Um, but give yourself some grace in
the process. Mm. Very nice. Man.I couldn't have said it better
myself, but I'll try. Yeah. No.I'm kidding. That was so good.
But I'll try. Hold on.Give me a minute. It's just a gift.
Way to go. Thanks. Yeah, well.If you guys are watching, listening,
and you want to learn more,you can reach out to us and email
(51:18):
us dudes at Stand Up Dude dot com.Or you can find us on any of our
socials, which you can check thelink in the in the show notes and
be able to get to any of those.We would love to hear from you.
We would love to support you.And also you can go to our
website at Stand Up Dude dot com.And if you scroll down there's a
(51:42):
little button there that says bemore.
If you are wanting to take that nextstep, maybe you're not a Christian,
but you're curious.You want to learn more, click that.
There's some resources therethat I think will help you along
your journey.Uh, again, Alicia,
thank you for being here with us.Thank you for taking the time.
Tim, thank you for being theever wonderful host and engaging
(52:04):
and all the things and.All the things. All the things.
Hey. Great energy today.Great great energy. Great energy.
This is for you. Thank you guys.God bless. We'll see you next time.
Like a moth to a flame. So drawn.But now I'm left. Burned and broken.