July 8, 2025 • 36 mins
In this deeply personal return episode, Susan Moore shares the raw truth behind her sudden silence — the story of losing 100 pounds, five infected teeth, and nearly losing her ability to write, speak, and pray. This isn’t polished. It’s not performative. It’s survival told in real-time.
From Delta-8 haze to Benadryl fog, hospital trips, and making her bed one day at a time, Susan invites listeners into her hardest season yet — and the daily acts of courage that brought her voice (and hope) back. If you’ve ever felt broken, unheard, or scared you’ll never find your way back — this episode is for you.
Welcome to The Uncomfortable Talk Show. We're not tying things up in a bow — we're naming them out loud.
From Delta-8 haze to Benadryl fog, hospital trips, and making her bed one day at a time, Susan invites listeners into her hardest season yet — and the daily acts of courage that brought her voice (and hope) back. If you’ve ever felt broken, unheard, or scared you’ll never find your way back — this episode is for you.
Welcome to The Uncomfortable Talk Show. We're not tying things up in a bow — we're naming them out loud.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
This is Susan Moore, and you're listening to the uncomfortable
talk show Space where we tell the truth even when
it stings. Over the past year, I've lost over one
hundred pounds without even trying. I lost my voice, my
ability to write, even the words that were inside my head.
(00:25):
I faced grief, silence, and survival. But I'm still here
and I've come to say a few things. Yeah, I've
got a few things to say. This is a show.
This show is where we talk about the messy middle faith, lost, healing, creativity,
(00:47):
mental health, and what it means to be a human
and a world that doesn't always make sense. Now, I
still welcome any author's artists and those who have something
with something, who have something. Let's restart that. I still
welcome author's artist and those with something real to share.
(01:11):
But I'm not sugarcoating anything as I go along on
this journey. So if you're tired of the polished, performative
and fakedy, pull up a chair. We're getting uncomfortable again,
and this time I'm bringing everything I've learned through the fire,
(01:32):
bringing a little music for you, a little bit of
the guitar. So I'm still going to if you haven't
listened to any of my shows from the past, I
do invite you to go listen to those. I may
(01:54):
sound a little bit different, as my voice doesn't sound different.
I don't think any but sometimes my mind doesn't always
catch up with what I'm trying to say, and I
will explain more about that here in just a second.
But I am trying, and the best way to do
(02:14):
that is to keep practicing. And the thing that I
would like to do is talk and continue to do
my podcast for you and for myself because it does help.
I do enjoy doing this, I really do. And the
best thing you can do whenever you're relearning something is
(02:36):
to continue practicing it. So I started the Uncomfortable Talk
Show way back when as a means of finding my voice,
figuring out who I am, and being unapologetic in what
I talk about. And I started off with things like
comedy and who I enjoy you know, Bob Odenkirk Martin,
(03:00):
short Money, Python, any kind of British humor what I
grew up with, and I still enjoy that. And I
kind of lost my memory in some ways. I still
remember a lot, but there's still some things that I
(03:21):
struggle with and I'm about to start with the beginning
and explain to you why that happened, and you know
the reasoning behind that. So last thing I was attempting
to do was before I went quiet. I wasn't quiet
because I was in one of my weird, funky moods
(03:44):
where I get depressed and I just kind of drop
off the face of the planet for a while, you know,
because I'm being broody. Life's too short to be broodie anymore.
And I just want to say where I was at
(04:04):
that point. But the last thing I did was at
the end of September, and I did a show with
my last show that I did on here, I was
interviewing an author, a new author, and she was doing
(04:27):
a book that was just coming out, and I believe
in one second, Yeah, it was Jessica Foster and she
has she wrote the books Endi of Extroverts and Summer
(04:49):
of Something, and I got to have a lovely chat
with her back in September. It looks like it was
the I published it on September twenty seventh of twenty
twenty four, so I probably recorded that like a couple
of days ahead of time, maybe a week and then
(05:09):
after that I went quiet. Why did I go quiet? Well,
while I was interviewing her, I actually broke a tooth.
As it happens with some of us humans, we end
up breaking a tooth every once in a while. And
I thought it was just something normal, like one of
(05:30):
one of my lower teeth. I was eating beans and rice,
and out of all things, was rice that broke the thing.
And I mean it heard it at the beginning, but
it didn't really you know, I didn't think it was
gonna be as serious as it turned out to be.
(05:52):
And I don't have dental insurance, which makes things complicated.
And I am from Memphis, Tennessee to give you a
general idea, so I'm regularly sorry about that. My words
kind of get weird sometimes, but I rely on the
health department because of that. Well, they won't pull your tooth,
(06:17):
I mean, at any place you go to unless the
infection's out of there. And I had a bunch of antibiotics,
and it became increasingly more difficult to eat anything, and
somehow or another, like when one tooth gets bad, other
teeth get bad and end up getting five really intensely.
(06:41):
In fact, the teeth and I was not able to
get any of them pulled actually until this past April.
And I'm just gonna suggest to anybody out there, don't
let this go a month or two, like, hardly like
(07:03):
even two weeks. I mean, once you know what tooth
is infected, go ahead and get the thing pulled out.
Because let's caused more trouble than I really expected it to,
and it robbed me of a lot of things. But
(07:24):
having five infected teeth inside your head has no fun.
So I'll try to give the short and not so
sweet a version of this. But from October November December,
I was not going to any family get togethers, not
because I don't like my family. I love my family,
(07:45):
if they get on my nerves, as people tend to do,
if you get close enough with somebody, they're eventually going
to annoy the crap out of you. So but that
wasn't the reason I didn't go to any of the
get togethers. I didn't go because I couldn't eat anything.
And when I say I couldn't eat anything, I'm not
being over dramatic with that. I really could not eat
(08:07):
anything at all, and I did try, I try to,
I was so far gone that. I was even trying
to make up a smoothie out of a can of
fruit cocktail and I just put yogurt in it, I believe.
I think it was yogurt and the fruit, and I
tried to drink that to get some kind of nutrition
(08:28):
in me, but I ended up hurting one of these
five teeth or I don't remember how many it was.
It was like it was like a mind filled in
my mouth and it just set everything off. And I
was trying to do everything under the sun to alleviate
the pain, aside from going to find like a marijuana
(08:56):
because that is completely illegal in this town. I got
as close as I could, and I got the Delta
eight things that you can buy at the store, and
I smoked those and that was some trippy stuff. I
can't remember exactly what I dreamed and what kind of
(09:18):
trips I went onto, but that was the only thing
that could really deaden the pain, you know, And I
was basically, this is a bad thing to do. I
don't recommend this, but I was taking way too much ibuprofen,
(09:40):
way too much pain killers. I stopped all sugar because
I mean, it scared me to death, and even regular
food scared me to death. And I wasn't eating anything,
particularly in THEA and the half, and at the midpoint
of December, all the way into the New I wasn't
(10:02):
eating anything. I was just frankly too afraid to. So
what I did was as I ended up giving myself.
I ended up getting myself into the emergency room. And
I was completely dehydrated and malnourished all that and by
(10:24):
that point I lost fifty pounds and I think and
I didn't have any any anything in my body really,
and it messed me up, and I needed something for
my body. So they gave me two bags of IVS
(10:46):
and some other stuff I got to get out of
the hospital. They gave me some antibiotics and something for
the antonagia. Because the thing is, after you've your body
is basically went on a forced fast like I was,
you can't just start eating things. You need to reintroduce
(11:08):
food to your body. And so there was a place
here in town that actually could help you out with
that if you have no insurance, and it was called Medicos,
And sadly they closed business a couple of months ago,
but they were still there while I was sick like that,
(11:30):
and they were able to help me out, and they
would give me like free things of insure and protein
drinks and things like that because I could. I had
gotten my body like some augmenting, which is like a
superpower version of maxicillin, and I was able to get
the infection out of my mouth and also my body
(11:53):
because I got bad and I ended up making my
ulcer to get out of control with taking away too
many Abbie proofens and to try to get the pain
out of my body right. So I did that, and
(12:15):
then I was They were concerned about my sleeping, so
they gave me bena jury and they told me to
take that every night to kind of relax me and
to make me sleepy. So I took my medicine. I
was being good. Everything they gave me, I took it,
and I was trying to get myself better because at
this point I was on the road down to what
(12:38):
I am now, like having lost the better part of
one hundred pounds, which you get. You get a lot
of comments and compliments about losing that much weight, but
I swear I wish I would have been able to
lose it in a better way because as that was
(13:01):
not healthy at all. You know, yes, you can see
my cheekbones again, and you know I look you know better,
I guess you know from the house I look at him,
but from the inside, I mean I wasn't. I still
am kind of recuperating. Like the thing that messed up
(13:25):
my memory and the ability to talk was actually the
benager will come to find out. I had a bad
reaction to it, and that the teeth thing was scary enough,
not to my teeth being infected like they were, but
(13:46):
when the thing happened where I was trying to get
help with the sleeping part and be able to relax
without any kind of problem, the ben adril, I think
I was taking it for about two weeks straight, like
every night. I would take it like like a like
a religious right. I would religiously take the Benadryl every
(14:11):
single night, and that ended up messing up my what
I've always loved to do ever since I was a
little kid. I mean I started I started reading at
the age of probably about three, Between ages of two
(14:34):
and three, I've loved to read, and about in that
time frame of being from two to three, I could
actually read the words back to my mother. She was
the one who read to me a lot. Dad did too,
but Mama read books to me, and like she kind
(14:54):
of opened up the door for that. And as I said,
I love all my family, but my Aunt Debbie, she
was a big reader. I remember her always reading a
book when I would spend the night with my cousin.
And so I bring that up, not to ramble there,
(15:17):
there's a point to that. That was the scariest thing
that I've ever experienced was the I woke up and
this was the last part of January. And it still
(15:41):
kind of affects me because some things I don't remember,
Like I just kind of zunk out, like short circuit
a little bit, and I completely lost my words. I
could not say words I could say like I knew.
(16:04):
It was so strange because I was inside my body
and I knew how to do certain things. I knew
the function of it, like I knew how to say
for example, because my aunt was really trying. My Aunt
Shirley was really trying to help me out through this
because she could catch on. She caught on. My family.
(16:25):
I have to say that for as much as we
aggravate each other, they really really were there for me.
Like my uncle Darren would talk to me on the phone,
and he would help me try to get my words back,
and it was just through practice, and he like my
sentences were like kind of broken up, like I wasn't
(16:48):
saying like I'm talking now, like with the full sentence,
I would just be kind of no one thereabouts what
I was trying to tell you. But I could only
say one or two words at a time, and it's
like I had no internal dialogue going on inside my head.
But I knew and I was highly aware of what
(17:10):
was going on, what I wanted to say, what needed
to be said, and I was saying it in as
few as words as I possibly could, because I really
couldn't do more than that. And you know, now nowadays,
(17:32):
back then, before this happened, I've always been writing poetry
and writing stories, and I love building worlds and I
love to get inside a character's head. But I couldn't
even get on in my own head at this point.
(17:55):
And I don't think I've ever been this scared of
my life. And I've been plenty scared for various reasons.
Because I remember going to the doctor after he doctor
Josh put me on the Bena drill along with the omniprosal,
(18:18):
which was for my ulcer and the antibiotics, and he
gave me the Bena drill as well, and I was
I tried to write him a letter before I went there,
because I made the appointment a couple days ahead of time,
and I was trying to express to him what was
(18:41):
going on. And I think I actually threw it away
because I don't know why. I think I threw it
away because I was so mad. But if I do
happen to find it again, I'll read it one day.
But I do remember what thereabouts. I said that I
remember writing it and telling him pretty much what was
(19:04):
going on, and then I was terrified, and I was
scared and I started actually I actually started crying in
his office because I felt like my words are being
(19:26):
taken from me and I was never going to get
him back. So I mean, I did get very, very
depressed about this. I mean, who wouldn't you know it's
been a real wild, very wild road, you know. H
(19:57):
So drill, if you take it consistently like I did
for two weeks, apparently it can mess up your cognitive
skills and trying to collect my thoughts on what I
(20:17):
want to tell you, because I'm not hopeless and I'm
not helpless, and I'm not even depressed about it anymore,
because I look back at what I went through and
(20:38):
I think it had to happen for a reason, because
I started to see what was important to me, what
I want to do with the remainder of my life,
because I'm going to die one day. I honestly felt
like I was going to die this past year because
it got pretty bad. And the first thing that I
(21:02):
was terrified of losing was of course, I mean I
had already lost it the reading and the writing and
the internally being able to dialog things. But I was
terrified of forgetting how to pray, because I am very
(21:28):
much a Christian, and you know I don't.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
I'm not the kind of person that tries to force
anything on anybody, but personally speaking, I am a Christian
and I have my reasons for believing in God, and.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
I love him. I do love God, and I couldn't
even remember the Lord's prayer. You know, our Father, who
are in heaven hell, will be the name the Kingdom Come,
that will be done on earth as it is in
heavy and give us his stay our daily bread. Lord,
Please forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who
(22:07):
trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but
deliver us from evil and the evil. And for them
is the Kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever.
And she's this name of pray Amen, and see then
and there. I still kind of stumbled on some of
my words. But if you fast, or if you rewind
(22:29):
back to February, I couldn't say any of it, not
even the our father part, like the very get go.
And so what I did to what I did was
when my uncle, my uncle Darren was talking to me.
(22:50):
I would call him every night about you know, from
ten to midnight something like that, and he would just
talk with me and help me get through this. And
he gave me hope, and he gave me encouragement to
keep trying. You know, even if you don't do everything
that you think you should be doing, at least do
(23:12):
one thing that you know it's going to make tomorrow
better and make today better. And so I would give myself.
He helped me.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
You know.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
I would give myself these little tasks to do every day,
and I would wake up and I would make my
bed and I would sit there with the Lord's prayer
and I would practice it every day, trying to read
it and trying to write it, like even if it
was shitty, you know, and even if I messed it up,
(23:48):
I was trying every day, and I didn't want to
lose that ability to read and write. And it's such
an important part of my entire life. The thought of
losing it, Oh my god, I promise you I've But anyways,
(24:10):
what I would do is my brother I remember, when
he came back from being away for a little bit.
I made up a Bible reading plan. It's called Grant Horners.
And the idea of it is is that you start small,
(24:31):
and you read a chapter from certain books of the Bible.
Because the Bible isn't a book, it's a collection of books.
So I would take I would give myself a reading plan,
and I would read a chapter from each book every day,
(24:52):
from seven books. And I would do it even if
I didn't understand what I was reading, if I couldn't
comprehend and what I was reading. I was doing it
every day as muscle, like I was doing it as
a memory, like trying to get myself back into it
and then I would start saying it. I did attempt
to write down notes about it, but I couldn't control
(25:15):
my hand because I've lost so much weight that my
muscles and my body weren't strong, you know, enough to
do stuff like that. But I still tried, even if
it looked like chicken scratch. And I obviously haven't drawn
anything since then, because that's another thing I like to do,
(25:38):
is draw, but I haven't been able to do that.
But let's start trying to do that. And yeah, that
little knocking noise you may have heard was my little
kitten that I we just rescued. He was Pharah outside everything.
(26:03):
He's cute, he's sweet. Anyways, what was I saying? Yeah,
I was starting small, and I kept doing it even
if I did it shit, you know, even if what
I was doing and what I was attempting to do
(26:23):
was shit and it wasn't up to par on the
things that I would like it to. You know, I
wasn't doing anything perfect. And that's one of the things
that I've really learned during this whole thing. You know,
this idea of the perfection is what we need to
strive to be. No, we don't need to do that
(26:43):
I mean it's just pointless because I'm not perfect anyways,
nobody's perfect, right, But the point was that I was trying,
you know, I was trying to do these things even
if I was weak, even if I couldn't hardly won.
And some days I could not even some weeks I
(27:04):
lost my ability to walk, and I was I'm forty
three years old and I'm walking around with a walker
for crying. I mean, it just got really really bad.
But I still got behind that walker, and I still
walked around this house, and I still try to talk,
and I still try to write something down. Every day.
(27:26):
I was writing my ABC's and I would like write
as far as I could with numbers like one to whatever.
And I was trying to like jog my memory back
into what I could do. And it didn't come easy,
like at any point really, But it was the fact
that I was doing it every day, you know, making
(27:49):
my bed, washing the dishes, still cooking, still, you know,
making myself not give up because I did not want
to die, you know, even though I felt like crap
and I was, you know, I was really kind of weak.
I just I didn't want to give up. And it's
not in my heart to want to give up, because
(28:13):
there's still life in me and I don't. I don't
want to say that it's over, even when things look
bad and look like they should be over, you know.
And I'm kind of stubborn that way, you know. So
(28:38):
I'm making this podcast today and I know it's I
hope it doesn't sound too rambly, and I hope that
you're getting something out of this, because I do want
to continue doing the podcast, The Uncomfortable Talk Show, and
I'm talking about some really uncomfortable stuff right now, you know.
But I do still want to interview authors. I still
(29:02):
want to interview artists. I still want to talk to people.
I still want to be around people, and I still
want to see people and show them that I do care.
I don't even know if you've made it this far.
I don't know you probably, but I care about you.
I really do, because I don't want you to feel
like you know, you've got to be perfect in this life.
(29:26):
I mean, Jesus never really asked us to be perfect anyways.
I don't care what these false, little dumb ass preachers
try to say. You know, you're not perfect. I'm not perfect.
We're not going to be perfect. Not on this side
of the veil. It's not going to happen. But you,
if you keep trying every day, that means more than
(29:48):
anything else, you know, because you're still giving it a shot,
You're still showing up, you're still being present. You're making
somebody's life better, even though I was really stuck in
this house, and in some ways I still am. But
I was stuck in this house, and I'm like making
my brother's life better by doing the laundry, doing the dishes,
(30:12):
still doing something, even if it's his life. I'm making
that one life better because I'm in this world and
I'm doing something. And here recently, I've gotten back into
writing my poetry. So some days I'm writing a shit,
a load of them. So because I mean, when you're
(30:32):
when you've not had the ability to use your words,
you know, it kind of turns into being like a
kid in a candy shop. You just can't get enough
of it, you know. So I love writing, and I
love I love words. I mean, I love building a world.
(30:55):
I'm going to get back to, you know, working on
that book that I have planned, the one about the
shit my brain don't want, stupid. It's the one about
the girl living up in a Lake County area and
(31:18):
the real foot Lake stuff with it with a Native
American chickasaw. But I mean, my memory is still faulty
in a lot of areas, but it's gonna come back.
It's come back this far. I mean, I'm able to
string a sentence together. So there's that. But this episode
(31:45):
is just too kind of talk about where I've been,
what I've been doing, and how I'm not giving up.
Some days are better than others. And got the infected
all but one out of my head. I get the
last one pulled out next month, and it's the least
(32:07):
worst of all of them, so you know, I can
eat again, and I'm I'm doing better, and I hope
you're all doing good. I really do. I don't just
say that as fluff. I really hope you're doing well.
And if there is ever a day that you feel
(32:28):
like you know this is it, you're done for, get
up and try one more time to do something. It's
just something to make someone else's life better, and that
includes you make your life better. You know it might
seem inconsequential, but making my bed every day at least
(32:49):
doing that, having that one goal in my head. I'm
making up my bed today without fail. You're making your
life better and making yourself feel more at ease as
you are able to sleep in a comfortable, clean bed
that's made. You know, it's not for aesthetic purposes, and
you know, kind of boast on yourself. This is for you,
(33:11):
Like you are making your bed to make it comfortable
for who you that's it. And if you wash dishes,
if that's the one thing that you do every day,
then you're making you and whoever you live with or
whoever comes over to visit, you know, have the ability
to have clean plates and dishes. Tea off of you know,
(33:36):
stepping outside and seeing what's out there in the world,
maybe you too will find a little pharal kit that
makes you laughing. You know you want to kiss it,
and you know it's something to show love to. So
it's everything has a meaning and it's gonna be okay.
(33:57):
You know, even if it doesn't feel like it's going
to be all right, it's gonna be okay. You know,
we are all all on this planet to help somebody.
So go out there today and find somebody to help.
But until then, until the day that I bring you
another podcast. If you really want to have a conversation.
(34:21):
You got a new book you've got you're working on
and you're about to publish it, I would love to
talk to you, and you know I would invite you
for that, And or if you just want to talk
and about something in particular, we can do that too.
I'm cool with that. And it was great talking to
(34:46):
you all today. Thank you so much for listening to
my podcast. I'm not anybody special, I'm nobody important, but
you know I'm still here, still have some life in me,
and I still want to live it. I'm not trying
(35:06):
to be cheesy there and stupid. Oh my god, I'm
just saying that I don't want my life just to
be nothing, as in, I want to make it count.
So if I can help you have your voice heard,
I will do that. And anyways, I hope you're doing good.
(35:29):
I'll talk to you all soon, and thank you so
much for listening. And peace help everybody talk to you later.
This has been Susan Moore of The Uncomfortable Talk Show, Peace,
love and all that good stuff. We might not tie
(35:58):
it all up in a bow here, but we name it,
feel it and say it out loud. Thanks for being here.
You are not alone. This is the Uncomfortable Talk Show
and I'm Susan Moore. See you in the next hard conversation.
This is Susan Moore, and you're listening to the uncomfortable
talk show Space where we tell the truth even when
it stings. Over the past year, I've lost over one
hundred pounds without even trying. I lost my voice, my
ability to write, even the words that were inside my head.
(00:25):
I faced grief, silence, and survival. But I'm still here
and I've come to say a few things. Yeah, I've
got a few things to say. This is a show.
This show is where we talk about the messy middle faith, lost, healing, creativity,
(00:47):
mental health, and what it means to be a human
and a world that doesn't always make sense. Now, I
still welcome any author's artists and those who have something
with something, who have something. Let's restart that. I still
welcome author's artist and those with something real to share.
(01:11):
But I'm not sugarcoating anything as I go along on
this journey. So if you're tired of the polished, performative
and fakedy, pull up a chair. We're getting uncomfortable again,
and this time I'm bringing everything I've learned through the fire,
(01:32):
bringing a little music for you, a little bit of
the guitar. So I'm still going to if you haven't
listened to any of my shows from the past, I
do invite you to go listen to those. I may
(01:54):
sound a little bit different, as my voice doesn't sound different.
I don't think any but sometimes my mind doesn't always
catch up with what I'm trying to say, and I
will explain more about that here in just a second.
But I am trying, and the best way to do
(02:14):
that is to keep practicing. And the thing that I
would like to do is talk and continue to do
my podcast for you and for myself because it does help.
I do enjoy doing this, I really do. And the
best thing you can do whenever you're relearning something is
(02:36):
to continue practicing it. So I started the Uncomfortable Talk
Show way back when as a means of finding my voice,
figuring out who I am, and being unapologetic in what
I talk about. And I started off with things like
comedy and who I enjoy you know, Bob Odenkirk Martin,
(03:00):
short Money, Python, any kind of British humor what I
grew up with, and I still enjoy that. And I
kind of lost my memory in some ways. I still
remember a lot, but there's still some things that I
(03:21):
struggle with and I'm about to start with the beginning
and explain to you why that happened, and you know
the reasoning behind that. So last thing I was attempting
to do was before I went quiet. I wasn't quiet
because I was in one of my weird, funky moods
(03:44):
where I get depressed and I just kind of drop
off the face of the planet for a while, you know,
because I'm being broody. Life's too short to be broodie anymore.
And I just want to say where I was at
(04:04):
that point. But the last thing I did was at
the end of September, and I did a show with
my last show that I did on here, I was
interviewing an author, a new author, and she was doing
(04:27):
a book that was just coming out, and I believe
in one second, Yeah, it was Jessica Foster and she
has she wrote the books Endi of Extroverts and Summer
(04:49):
of Something, and I got to have a lovely chat
with her back in September. It looks like it was
the I published it on September twenty seventh of twenty
twenty four, so I probably recorded that like a couple
of days ahead of time, maybe a week and then
(05:09):
after that I went quiet. Why did I go quiet? Well,
while I was interviewing her, I actually broke a tooth.
As it happens with some of us humans, we end
up breaking a tooth every once in a while. And
I thought it was just something normal, like one of
(05:30):
one of my lower teeth. I was eating beans and rice,
and out of all things, was rice that broke the thing.
And I mean it heard it at the beginning, but
it didn't really you know, I didn't think it was
gonna be as serious as it turned out to be.
(05:52):
And I don't have dental insurance, which makes things complicated.
And I am from Memphis, Tennessee to give you a
general idea, so I'm regularly sorry about that. My words
kind of get weird sometimes, but I rely on the
health department because of that. Well, they won't pull your tooth,
(06:17):
I mean, at any place you go to unless the
infection's out of there. And I had a bunch of antibiotics,
and it became increasingly more difficult to eat anything, and
somehow or another, like when one tooth gets bad, other
teeth get bad and end up getting five really intensely.
(06:41):
In fact, the teeth and I was not able to
get any of them pulled actually until this past April.
And I'm just gonna suggest to anybody out there, don't
let this go a month or two, like, hardly like
(07:03):
even two weeks. I mean, once you know what tooth
is infected, go ahead and get the thing pulled out.
Because let's caused more trouble than I really expected it to,
and it robbed me of a lot of things. But
(07:24):
having five infected teeth inside your head has no fun.
So I'll try to give the short and not so
sweet a version of this. But from October November December,
I was not going to any family get togethers, not
because I don't like my family. I love my family,
(07:45):
if they get on my nerves, as people tend to do,
if you get close enough with somebody, they're eventually going
to annoy the crap out of you. So but that
wasn't the reason I didn't go to any of the
get togethers. I didn't go because I couldn't eat anything.
And when I say I couldn't eat anything, I'm not
being over dramatic with that. I really could not eat
(08:07):
anything at all, and I did try, I try to,
I was so far gone that. I was even trying
to make up a smoothie out of a can of
fruit cocktail and I just put yogurt in it, I believe.
I think it was yogurt and the fruit, and I
tried to drink that to get some kind of nutrition
(08:28):
in me, but I ended up hurting one of these
five teeth or I don't remember how many it was.
It was like it was like a mind filled in
my mouth and it just set everything off. And I
was trying to do everything under the sun to alleviate
the pain, aside from going to find like a marijuana
(08:56):
because that is completely illegal in this town. I got
as close as I could, and I got the Delta
eight things that you can buy at the store, and
I smoked those and that was some trippy stuff. I
can't remember exactly what I dreamed and what kind of
(09:18):
trips I went onto, but that was the only thing
that could really deaden the pain, you know, And I
was basically, this is a bad thing to do. I
don't recommend this, but I was taking way too much ibuprofen,
(09:40):
way too much pain killers. I stopped all sugar because
I mean, it scared me to death, and even regular
food scared me to death. And I wasn't eating anything,
particularly in THEA and the half, and at the midpoint
of December, all the way into the New I wasn't
(10:02):
eating anything. I was just frankly too afraid to. So
what I did was as I ended up giving myself.
I ended up getting myself into the emergency room. And
I was completely dehydrated and malnourished all that and by
(10:24):
that point I lost fifty pounds and I think and
I didn't have any any anything in my body really,
and it messed me up, and I needed something for
my body. So they gave me two bags of IVS
(10:46):
and some other stuff I got to get out of
the hospital. They gave me some antibiotics and something for
the antonagia. Because the thing is, after you've your body
is basically went on a forced fast like I was,
you can't just start eating things. You need to reintroduce
(11:08):
food to your body. And so there was a place
here in town that actually could help you out with
that if you have no insurance, and it was called Medicos,
And sadly they closed business a couple of months ago,
but they were still there while I was sick like that,
(11:30):
and they were able to help me out, and they
would give me like free things of insure and protein
drinks and things like that because I could. I had
gotten my body like some augmenting, which is like a
superpower version of maxicillin, and I was able to get
the infection out of my mouth and also my body
(11:53):
because I got bad and I ended up making my
ulcer to get out of control with taking away too
many Abbie proofens and to try to get the pain
out of my body right. So I did that, and
(12:15):
then I was They were concerned about my sleeping, so
they gave me bena jury and they told me to
take that every night to kind of relax me and
to make me sleepy. So I took my medicine. I
was being good. Everything they gave me, I took it,
and I was trying to get myself better because at
this point I was on the road down to what
(12:38):
I am now, like having lost the better part of
one hundred pounds, which you get. You get a lot
of comments and compliments about losing that much weight, but
I swear I wish I would have been able to
lose it in a better way because as that was
(13:01):
not healthy at all. You know, yes, you can see
my cheekbones again, and you know I look you know better,
I guess you know from the house I look at him,
but from the inside, I mean I wasn't. I still
am kind of recuperating. Like the thing that messed up
(13:25):
my memory and the ability to talk was actually the
benager will come to find out. I had a bad
reaction to it, and that the teeth thing was scary enough,
not to my teeth being infected like they were, but
(13:46):
when the thing happened where I was trying to get
help with the sleeping part and be able to relax
without any kind of problem, the ben adril, I think
I was taking it for about two weeks straight, like
every night. I would take it like like a like
a religious right. I would religiously take the Benadryl every
(14:11):
single night, and that ended up messing up my what
I've always loved to do ever since I was a
little kid. I mean I started I started reading at
the age of probably about three, Between ages of two
(14:34):
and three, I've loved to read, and about in that
time frame of being from two to three, I could
actually read the words back to my mother. She was
the one who read to me a lot. Dad did too,
but Mama read books to me, and like she kind
(14:54):
of opened up the door for that. And as I said,
I love all my family, but my Aunt Debbie, she
was a big reader. I remember her always reading a
book when I would spend the night with my cousin.
And so I bring that up, not to ramble there,
(15:17):
there's a point to that. That was the scariest thing
that I've ever experienced was the I woke up and
this was the last part of January. And it still
(15:41):
kind of affects me because some things I don't remember,
Like I just kind of zunk out, like short circuit
a little bit, and I completely lost my words. I
could not say words I could say like I knew.
(16:04):
It was so strange because I was inside my body
and I knew how to do certain things. I knew
the function of it, like I knew how to say
for example, because my aunt was really trying. My Aunt
Shirley was really trying to help me out through this
because she could catch on. She caught on. My family.
(16:25):
I have to say that for as much as we
aggravate each other, they really really were there for me.
Like my uncle Darren would talk to me on the phone,
and he would help me try to get my words back,
and it was just through practice, and he like my
sentences were like kind of broken up, like I wasn't
(16:48):
saying like I'm talking now, like with the full sentence,
I would just be kind of no one thereabouts what
I was trying to tell you. But I could only
say one or two words at a time, and it's
like I had no internal dialogue going on inside my head.
But I knew and I was highly aware of what
(17:10):
was going on, what I wanted to say, what needed
to be said, and I was saying it in as
few as words as I possibly could, because I really
couldn't do more than that. And you know, now nowadays,
(17:32):
back then, before this happened, I've always been writing poetry
and writing stories, and I love building worlds and I
love to get inside a character's head. But I couldn't
even get on in my own head at this point.
(17:55):
And I don't think I've ever been this scared of
my life. And I've been plenty scared for various reasons.
Because I remember going to the doctor after he doctor
Josh put me on the Bena drill along with the omniprosal,
(18:18):
which was for my ulcer and the antibiotics, and he
gave me the Bena drill as well, and I was
I tried to write him a letter before I went there,
because I made the appointment a couple days ahead of time,
and I was trying to express to him what was
(18:41):
going on. And I think I actually threw it away
because I don't know why. I think I threw it
away because I was so mad. But if I do
happen to find it again, I'll read it one day.
But I do remember what thereabouts. I said that I
remember writing it and telling him pretty much what was
(19:04):
going on, and then I was terrified, and I was
scared and I started actually I actually started crying in
his office because I felt like my words are being
(19:26):
taken from me and I was never going to get
him back. So I mean, I did get very, very
depressed about this. I mean, who wouldn't you know it's
been a real wild, very wild road, you know. H
(19:57):
So drill, if you take it consistently like I did
for two weeks, apparently it can mess up your cognitive
skills and trying to collect my thoughts on what I
(20:17):
want to tell you, because I'm not hopeless and I'm
not helpless, and I'm not even depressed about it anymore,
because I look back at what I went through and
(20:38):
I think it had to happen for a reason, because
I started to see what was important to me, what
I want to do with the remainder of my life,
because I'm going to die one day. I honestly felt
like I was going to die this past year because
it got pretty bad. And the first thing that I
(21:02):
was terrified of losing was of course, I mean I
had already lost it the reading and the writing and
the internally being able to dialog things. But I was
terrified of forgetting how to pray, because I am very
(21:28):
much a Christian, and you know I don't.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
I'm not the kind of person that tries to force
anything on anybody, but personally speaking, I am a Christian
and I have my reasons for believing in God, and.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
I love him. I do love God, and I couldn't
even remember the Lord's prayer. You know, our Father, who
are in heaven hell, will be the name the Kingdom Come,
that will be done on earth as it is in
heavy and give us his stay our daily bread. Lord,
Please forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who
(22:07):
trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but
deliver us from evil and the evil. And for them
is the Kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever.
And she's this name of pray Amen, and see then
and there. I still kind of stumbled on some of
my words. But if you fast, or if you rewind
(22:29):
back to February, I couldn't say any of it, not
even the our father part, like the very get go.
And so what I did to what I did was
when my uncle, my uncle Darren was talking to me.
(22:50):
I would call him every night about you know, from
ten to midnight something like that, and he would just
talk with me and help me get through this. And
he gave me hope, and he gave me encouragement to
keep trying. You know, even if you don't do everything
that you think you should be doing, at least do
(23:12):
one thing that you know it's going to make tomorrow
better and make today better. And so I would give myself.
He helped me.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
You know.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
I would give myself these little tasks to do every day,
and I would wake up and I would make my
bed and I would sit there with the Lord's prayer
and I would practice it every day, trying to read
it and trying to write it, like even if it
was shitty, you know, and even if I messed it up,
(23:48):
I was trying every day, and I didn't want to
lose that ability to read and write. And it's such
an important part of my entire life. The thought of
losing it, Oh my god, I promise you I've But anyways,
(24:10):
what I would do is my brother I remember, when
he came back from being away for a little bit.
I made up a Bible reading plan. It's called Grant Horners.
And the idea of it is is that you start small,
(24:31):
and you read a chapter from certain books of the Bible.
Because the Bible isn't a book, it's a collection of books.
So I would take I would give myself a reading plan,
and I would read a chapter from each book every day,
(24:52):
from seven books. And I would do it even if
I didn't understand what I was reading, if I couldn't
comprehend and what I was reading. I was doing it
every day as muscle, like I was doing it as
a memory, like trying to get myself back into it
and then I would start saying it. I did attempt
to write down notes about it, but I couldn't control
(25:15):
my hand because I've lost so much weight that my
muscles and my body weren't strong, you know, enough to
do stuff like that. But I still tried, even if
it looked like chicken scratch. And I obviously haven't drawn
anything since then, because that's another thing I like to do,
(25:38):
is draw, but I haven't been able to do that.
But let's start trying to do that. And yeah, that
little knocking noise you may have heard was my little
kitten that I we just rescued. He was Pharah outside everything.
(26:03):
He's cute, he's sweet. Anyways, what was I saying? Yeah,
I was starting small, and I kept doing it even
if I did it shit, you know, even if what
I was doing and what I was attempting to do
(26:23):
was shit and it wasn't up to par on the
things that I would like it to. You know, I
wasn't doing anything perfect. And that's one of the things
that I've really learned during this whole thing. You know,
this idea of the perfection is what we need to
strive to be. No, we don't need to do that
(26:43):
I mean it's just pointless because I'm not perfect anyways,
nobody's perfect, right, But the point was that I was trying,
you know, I was trying to do these things even
if I was weak, even if I couldn't hardly won.
And some days I could not even some weeks I
(27:04):
lost my ability to walk, and I was I'm forty
three years old and I'm walking around with a walker
for crying. I mean, it just got really really bad.
But I still got behind that walker, and I still
walked around this house, and I still try to talk,
and I still try to write something down. Every day.
(27:26):
I was writing my ABC's and I would like write
as far as I could with numbers like one to whatever.
And I was trying to like jog my memory back
into what I could do. And it didn't come easy,
like at any point really, But it was the fact
that I was doing it every day, you know, making
(27:49):
my bed, washing the dishes, still cooking, still, you know,
making myself not give up because I did not want
to die, you know, even though I felt like crap
and I was, you know, I was really kind of weak.
I just I didn't want to give up. And it's
not in my heart to want to give up, because
(28:13):
there's still life in me and I don't. I don't
want to say that it's over, even when things look
bad and look like they should be over, you know.
And I'm kind of stubborn that way, you know. So
(28:38):
I'm making this podcast today and I know it's I
hope it doesn't sound too rambly, and I hope that
you're getting something out of this, because I do want
to continue doing the podcast, The Uncomfortable Talk Show, and
I'm talking about some really uncomfortable stuff right now, you know.
But I do still want to interview authors. I still
(29:02):
want to interview artists. I still want to talk to people.
I still want to be around people, and I still
want to see people and show them that I do care.
I don't even know if you've made it this far.
I don't know you probably, but I care about you.
I really do, because I don't want you to feel
like you know, you've got to be perfect in this life.
(29:26):
I mean, Jesus never really asked us to be perfect anyways.
I don't care what these false, little dumb ass preachers
try to say. You know, you're not perfect. I'm not perfect.
We're not going to be perfect. Not on this side
of the veil. It's not going to happen. But you,
if you keep trying every day, that means more than
(29:48):
anything else, you know, because you're still giving it a shot,
You're still showing up, you're still being present. You're making
somebody's life better, even though I was really stuck in
this house, and in some ways I still am. But
I was stuck in this house, and I'm like making
my brother's life better by doing the laundry, doing the dishes,
(30:12):
still doing something, even if it's his life. I'm making
that one life better because I'm in this world and
I'm doing something. And here recently, I've gotten back into
writing my poetry. So some days I'm writing a shit,
a load of them. So because I mean, when you're
(30:32):
when you've not had the ability to use your words,
you know, it kind of turns into being like a
kid in a candy shop. You just can't get enough
of it, you know. So I love writing, and I
love I love words. I mean, I love building a world.
(30:55):
I'm going to get back to, you know, working on
that book that I have planned, the one about the
shit my brain don't want, stupid. It's the one about
the girl living up in a Lake County area and
(31:18):
the real foot Lake stuff with it with a Native
American chickasaw. But I mean, my memory is still faulty
in a lot of areas, but it's gonna come back.
It's come back this far. I mean, I'm able to
string a sentence together. So there's that. But this episode
(31:45):
is just too kind of talk about where I've been,
what I've been doing, and how I'm not giving up.
Some days are better than others. And got the infected
all but one out of my head. I get the
last one pulled out next month, and it's the least
(32:07):
worst of all of them, so you know, I can
eat again, and I'm I'm doing better, and I hope
you're all doing good. I really do. I don't just
say that as fluff. I really hope you're doing well.
And if there is ever a day that you feel
(32:28):
like you know this is it, you're done for, get
up and try one more time to do something. It's
just something to make someone else's life better, and that
includes you make your life better. You know it might
seem inconsequential, but making my bed every day at least
(32:49):
doing that, having that one goal in my head. I'm
making up my bed today without fail. You're making your
life better and making yourself feel more at ease as
you are able to sleep in a comfortable, clean bed
that's made. You know, it's not for aesthetic purposes, and
you know, kind of boast on yourself. This is for you,
(33:11):
Like you are making your bed to make it comfortable
for who you that's it. And if you wash dishes,
if that's the one thing that you do every day,
then you're making you and whoever you live with or
whoever comes over to visit, you know, have the ability
to have clean plates and dishes. Tea off of you know,
(33:36):
stepping outside and seeing what's out there in the world,
maybe you too will find a little pharal kit that
makes you laughing. You know you want to kiss it,
and you know it's something to show love to. So
it's everything has a meaning and it's gonna be okay.
(33:57):
You know, even if it doesn't feel like it's going
to be all right, it's gonna be okay. You know,
we are all all on this planet to help somebody.
So go out there today and find somebody to help.
But until then, until the day that I bring you
another podcast. If you really want to have a conversation.
(34:21):
You got a new book you've got you're working on
and you're about to publish it, I would love to
talk to you, and you know I would invite you
for that, And or if you just want to talk
and about something in particular, we can do that too.
I'm cool with that. And it was great talking to
(34:46):
you all today. Thank you so much for listening to
my podcast. I'm not anybody special, I'm nobody important, but
you know I'm still here, still have some life in me,
and I still want to live it. I'm not trying
(35:06):
to be cheesy there and stupid. Oh my god, I'm
just saying that I don't want my life just to
be nothing, as in, I want to make it count.
So if I can help you have your voice heard,
I will do that. And anyways, I hope you're doing good.
(35:29):
I'll talk to you all soon, and thank you so
much for listening. And peace help everybody talk to you later.
This has been Susan Moore of The Uncomfortable Talk Show, Peace,
love and all that good stuff. We might not tie
(35:58):
it all up in a bow here, but we name it,
feel it and say it out loud. Thanks for being here.
You are not alone. This is the Uncomfortable Talk Show
and I'm Susan Moore. See you in the next hard conversation.
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