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Episode Transcript

(00:07):
Time to meet the Men from theMinistry. We present Wilfrid heid White and
Richard Murdoch in The Men from theMinistry, a weekly tribute to those who
work in our government departments. Theseare dedicated men, for the jobs they
do are varied and pressing, andthe offices they work in are varied depressing

(00:30):
too. From big Burn to Nelson'scolumn stretches the most famous street in London,
Whitehall. Here is the nerve centerof the country, where an army
of public servants works unceasingly. Hereare the men whose decisions affect the lives
of millions. Here is the brainof Britain. They haven't got any current

(00:53):
funds. Who I had to bringeccos cakes, put them in the filing
cabinets and elevenses. Would you missAdam long to wait? Will they oh
my late again? It's a matterof fact. I had an accident.
I caught my umbrella in my bicyclechain and stopped all the traffic on Lambeth's
Bridge. Why don't you try givingup earlier. I'll bet you don't have
any breakfast as it is. Oh, I have a cup of tea and

(01:15):
a good cough. But you're right, though, I do need a woman
to look after me, someone likeyou, Miss Adams. Now I've had
all that out before, honestly,Miss Adams. April married Miss Adams,
and if we get it done quickly, you'll save a year's in context,
it's the lamb, honestly, April, milt it. Why don't you knock

(01:38):
before you come in? I'm sorryit's to lamb. I didn't realize would
be at it, so that calltoo milted and I was not at it
as you put it, untortonately.Anyway, you should be getting on with
your work. Where's the post?No posts? Then you better write some
quick or they'll make us redundant.Well, I mean there, I got

(02:00):
some posts that you can't have itbecause I haven't dated it yet. Wilvin,
stop painting your nails and date it. I can't say the post because
the date stamps gold vanished. Butif we can't have the post till you
find the dates, stemp the wholedepartment that a standstill. Mister Hamilton.
Jones will be here in any minute. And what am I going to tell
him? You have to tell himyou've lost the date then, but I
haven't. You are in charge nextto number one. It's my job to

(02:22):
stand the post. When I've gota stamp to stand with, it's your
job to provather. Sam. Thisis terrible, the cold wall, the
economic crisis, and now we've lostthe date stamp is going to be humid
here he is good worring everybody.Bring the post into my office with you
too. There's just one thing,man, Did you have a simple,

(02:46):
splendid weekend? Very pleasant? Anger, I spot a shooting with Lord Carroway,
dinner with the Duke of Dorset.Very quiet, you know, bring
in the post. There's a goodfellow. Don't wony, I don't rush
me. Have you sorry? Lostdates? Damp? I say? Can't
you any voice? And have youtransferred? Not? Can you? Have
you transferred to record in the glockierecord? But that's in the other hebrides

(03:10):
where all the civil servants go whenthe top a kaner. Bernard said,
though, and who's Bernard? Myboyfriend in ag and Fish? He said,
it's a horrid place in the Glockee, just rocks and the seat out
and a norse wing threezing into thenarrow. Bernard said, it's worth in
Doubles Islands. You don't be ridiculous. One wouldn't send me to a place

(03:34):
like that just because we've lost thedaystm Will you, I say two?
Do you know the western Isles ofScotland at all? No? Not yet
today, stuck on a crossword clue. Never mind, I'll get my second
ring up the Scottish artist. Bythe way, here's the dates stamp I
borrowed you yesterday. Oh the datestamp you were changing the rubberna What No,

(03:58):
I was changing the data. I'mlibrary book now. Come along,
Come along into my office, mydear chap, and don't fiddle fable.
I never have fiddle fall. Itis not good enough. You know eleven
o'clock already we happen to starty.I'm terribly sorry when you see my bicycle.
I don't know about your bicycle.There's no time to waste here.
The golf club's and there of theballs, we'd have three shots each tripping

(04:19):
into my waistcaper bin treppens around asusual. But when I've got heage to
do this morning, there's a memoin tiplicate from admin asking my memos are
being sent out in triplicate. Thenthere's the Meteorological Office wanting to borrow our
barometer, not to mention that.Never mind, never mind, never mind
about that. I'll have the firstshot. I'm all right? Oh girl,

(04:43):
good old you got? Isn't saidof my mark? When you're all
right? General assistance departments? I'mafraid he's in conference at the moment.
Yes, who is it? It'sridiculous? Or I give it to me?
Hello, Sir Gregory. Nice toher from you? How are the

(05:06):
Petunio's coming along? Well? Haveyou read it? Have I read it
over last night? I'm sure wehaven't looked at your mail half past eleven
in the morning. Oh no,I wouldn't tell you that, Sir Gregory.
Quick to I delt for this solong ago, Sir Gregory, I've
forgotten all the baddy you see howthe Holly Hawks a memo from memo?

(05:29):
Yes? What do I think ofthe memo? Very neatly done, Sir
Gregory. I wish I had yoursecondary from the Christmas GLAMs girl. Hello,
Hello, I can't eat this upmuch longer. This is a very
bad line, Sir Gregory. Thismust be I love White Purchase. You

(05:56):
love what I of White Purchase project? Oh you too? I see thank
you very much. Yes, theGregory is it seems the War Off is
one of the biosmaphies of land onthe Isle of White for army can sanel.
Let's don't be the old disclaiming memoback to me. I want to
know how you're tackling it. Well, we're tackling it. Yes, quite
right. I'm glad you said so. Listen, we're leaving no turn on
step well, no tackle. Thisis top secret, top priority John,

(06:20):
top War Office US corner of theIsle of White's top job. They can't
show their hands for security reasons.That's why you're going to make the purchase
well or boy, compulsory purchase atall costs. We don't want well,
of course, not don't want it, don't want I'll handle this myself and
my caddis regards to lady pit,doar mean some scutters or to the War

(06:44):
Office one is by some bit ofland. It's all in that rigid memo.
Sy to it, will you?Yeah, yes, I'm going off
my club. Now your club?Which one? The ethneum or the VENUSTI
two? I may tell you I'mmeeting the Undersecretary for Cultural Affair. Oh,
then it'll be the venus stript.Bring me back the program, and
don't worry about the Isle of WhiteBusiness. I'll give it my full personal

(07:06):
attention. Good Man April. There'sa beastly memo here about some land in
the Isle of Wight. Do somethingabout it, will you. Ah,
there you are, mister Lang.I've got all the information on this by
the Isle of Wight, the WarOffice. Once. Thank you, April.

(07:26):
Oh, you are a treasure,you really are. I'll take it
into EIGHTHJA. If he's back fromlunch, it's four o'clock. Well,
you never know, he may beearly. Ah, there you are one.
Did you have a good lunch?Qush? Oh pretty good? What?
Pretty good? Yes, sir?Did I have a good one?
Were you talking about? Did youhave a good lunch? Oh? Yes,
excellent, excellent, Thank you,and you well. I didn't have

(07:49):
much time to eat. I've beenfireting out all this stuff on the Isle
of Right now, here's a largescale map. In the list of the
details, you can see the areain christ in this remote corner of the
eye. Here the nice spot.We'd ask a good price for it,
but we're not selling it. We'rebuying it. Oh, I see a
big pardon, Well, we needn'toffer much for a gingy place like that.
Neayway, Oh dear, I missedit that time, thank you.

(08:22):
Now, then who does this placebelonged to? There are twoist states in
the area that the Army want.One is owned by a retired admiral called
Monthly, and the other by aMiss Amelia Chambers. Apparently she runs hers
as a bird sanctuary. She breedspuffins. Tell me what exactly is a
puppin. It's a gloomy sort ofbird with round eyes and the big sat

(08:45):
bean bit like old phips over theborder trains. Oh phips, that's rather
good. I'm selling that one.I'd rather if still be any difficulty.
Well, not a bit, nota bit of old fips obviousseas a joke?
Remember that? Remember that Christmas Evewhen Arthur Band filed his umbrella with
trees sandwiches. Yes, we dosee life here in right holder? Yes?

(09:05):
One? And then was will thesepeople sell their lands? Oh,
good graters? Yes, all youwant to do send them a number one
stiff letter. When they read thaton our headed notepaper, they won't stop
to argue. All right, I'llgo and get on with it. Now
good. I wonder if I needa number nine on this Mildred take a
letter for you. It's for AdmirableMumpley and Miss Chambers. Let's see dear

(09:26):
sir and madam. Of course Idon't mean sir and madam on the same
letter. I mean one on oneand the other on the other. If
you see what I mean, Yes, I think good. I wish I
did. Now where was I Willyou read that, Mildred yet on maton?
Yes, yes, sir madam,you know that might be a good

(09:50):
place to break off for a cupof something. All work and no play
makes jack. Yes, yes,splendid. That's a good job done.
Now can I see those? Saysmild man. Thank you, dear sir.
On one good and on the other, dear madmen, hearled, you
must do something about these mistakes.No, no alterate afterwards, I want

(10:11):
to check the rest of it.Presume to amended Planning Policy, an area
of land which includes your property isurgently required for government redevelopment, and I
are asked to negotiate with you forthe sale thereof. Your early agreement will
be officiated. The government is convincedthat any delay is a menace to the
national welfare, and I am thesame. Your obedience et cetera. Good.

(10:37):
I think that covers it. Iwonder what the admiral will say to
this talk. Honey, up theflaming pottle. Okay, oh the window
a high admirals, Oh that's better. The last head bureaucrats, bowler headed

(11:03):
buffoons, black suited bounders. Seethis body, I, Admiral, tottle
them quick, helload the canon upongarden pens for some paper and a good
admiral government redevelopment scheme. Indeed,grab my language. And what about miss
Chambers, that poor, weak,defenseless woman. I suppose that we get
old devils, have one of thesetwo come along, Eat our children,

(11:33):
move those our passage, Let thegills have a bite, eat up all
of you. And that's right.We are going to have to fight for
our home. The men from theministry want to take it away from us.
Ah ah, yes they do,but we won't let them. We'll
wait, No, we won't helloto someone's coming up the park. Look

(11:58):
gracious? Is simple? Edward?Play? Well, this is the prime
mind you somethings who might think it'schanged. If we are neighbors, and
we haven't spoken to fifteen years.They wouldn't think so, madam, if
they've seen what you're puffing did tomy blazer, or if they knew what
your cutter did to my kitty wakes. No, Somna, this is no

(12:20):
time for borrowing. You and Ihave got to put our heads together.
I beg your pardon. I supposeyou've had one of these letters in the
ministry or whatever it is. Wewant you to take this place over as
an army training ground. Oh yes, I have. You'd better come inside
fucking pertinance. My family have beenbreeding puffins there for eight hundred years.

(12:41):
I've didn't back control them so butthey've got to face the fact. These
people can use compulsory purchase, can'tthey. Well, I'd sooner die and
have a lot of soldiers disturbing mysea waters. Yes, yes, but
we've got to handle them carefully.Make sure you're behind me and I am
behind you at the same time.What do you suppose I felt were talking

(13:03):
over today? Then tomorrow I'll goup to London and see these people in
their office. Find out very well, Admirals, You're right, we must
stand together. I'll make a potof team. Perhaps you care for the
soft broiled goal day you can't thinkwell on a Kitai morning one. I've

(13:26):
had the replies from the Isle ofWight. I'm afraid they don't look too
hopeful. Look here's the Admiral's letterhung from the yard. Damn fair faced
brigands pulling. What it's a wordhere? I don't understand. I think
it's a naval expression. You seethis as a refusal, do you well?

(13:50):
Reading between the lines, I doget that impression. And this Chambers
letter seems much the same where littleHitler's in that one. When I'll say
April to bring the papers into myoffice where the legal papers know the midday
papers are called, there's a horserunning at bogs sides afternoon. I've been
told what are we going to doabout this island? White business, what

(14:11):
we've made no progress? And warofficers sending one of their top men over
this morning to see how we're gettingon. One of the top men.
Are they that's different or we haveput up some kind of show and make
him think it's all buttoned up?Tell you what, have we got a
big map of the island? Yes, I had one cent over we'll spread
it on the table. Let's takelittle flags in it might be doing those
war pictures. Oh, what's agood idea. But have we got the

(14:33):
little flags? Yes? My topgoals full of kept them all from past
flag days. Says bad again.Next year, here we are this yellow
one can mark the animal's place.What's it say? Home for ad horses?
Splendid and miss Chambers can have theexcellent prevention man, I say,
I'm not enjoying this. Just giveout and bill Mildred to let the War

(14:56):
Office chap in when he comes aprilsaway on the typing test. Good idea.
Now where can I put this one? Will did? If you could
just tear yourself away from that copyof this the teenage disc ground up for
a moment. I want to tellyou something, mister Hamilton Jones, and
I are expecting a man from theWar Office to discuss this is of white

(15:16):
business. Send him strazy when hecomes with him. It's crazy, right,
answer me? Oh, I wonderif Bernerdy three two four? Oh?
Did you hello? Burn Ludy's here? No? I got this slaying

(15:37):
myself. I just start to watchout for somehow square from the War Office
and send him into h ja hereburn I was stop looking in this and
it says there's a big beat packageshow at the Battle Drone tonight. Yes,
they've got Charlie Rosey, Jory lastFull and Fred Ludy. How good?

(16:02):
Where should we meet them? Oh? Inside the Battle Drone? It's
all right? Yeah then, Ohit looks like the month in the War
office. Old, good morning.Is this the office seeking to put this
land on the isle of white Yes, that's right. What you goes thirteen?
So they are expecting you, expectingme. See you're over there,

(16:22):
you of this isle of white business. I want to find out. Oh,
yes, I'll come in, comein, come in my job.
Hello, don't worry, We've gotit all buttoned up here. We are
sit down at a chair and thisis mister Lamb Marsterston. How do you
do? How do you do?I want to make it clear, I'm
extremely concerned about you. Of courseyou are put me in on us.
It might have been a triggy businessfind it. However, you'll be glad

(16:45):
to hear we'll soon have these isleof white people right where we want them.
What mind you? We are havinglittle trouble with someone full of the
retired o what's his name Monthly?We call him months because he's an awful
team in the mix, just astupid old wind bag. We'll soon get
the measure of him. Oh youwill, will you? There's him and

(17:07):
the miss Chambers that they'll come around, all right. Were stenningram our number
two stiff letter, they won't arguewith that. They wouldn't want to get
our number three stiff letter, oneof what you can do with a bit
of bluff and a little brown envelopewith a window in it. What both
compulsory put call don't money? Weknow the War Office don't want compulsory purses
because of the plicitor. But ofcourse these vandowners don't know that the flat

(17:30):
will be enough. I don't supposemuch they do know, living in a
remote spot like that, probably ifit's simple, yes, I say,
can't you imagine that old pool ofan admiral. I bet he's got a
cannon in his garden and a flagpole. I expect he plays with boats
in his bar, if they have. I'd like to to have bars in

(17:51):
a place like that. More likelydo just to avoid each other. I
see jolly wood idea of yours touse that spot as an a training ground.
I've never been to the Isle ofRight, but from the method doesn't
look as if much goes on there. I wonder you don't use more of
it, you know, kind ofthing of it. You could take the
whole island, use it as arocket ray. What a splendid idea.
I'm sure we could fix it toil. Yes, I'll just make a note

(18:12):
of that. Good good. Now, as we've seen in your God Things,
take that it went title a littlecelebration. What you say to get
the branded in the first day.Yeah, I'm here already, you like
little brand and mister mister Monthly,Admiral Monthly, Yes, of course,
Well your very good health alude overyour dan you poor drink all down amer
months Childers. Did you say AdmiralMonthly? I did? I rather thought

(18:37):
you did. I'm all the hostcrookiness, How gracious, I'm not.
Oh what office don't want any publicity? Well, let me tell you before
you get hold of one into theIsle of Wight, you'll have to face
the biggest publics handle of a century. Oh to a brand new spa in
the country. Oh, dear me, even the Sunday especially much. We

(19:00):
are quite too lip into the wayMinisterry idiots, useless perfect you want away
this. I don't think he's goingto cooperate. Do you realize he called
us the ministry of idiot and uselessboy treat march. I gathered the contempt
theators ignore them like I do.Hello, ministry of idiots here, but

(19:26):
I won't argue with that. Didn'tmore office conscience there, Vanouver. So
they've asked me ring of what's happeningon this heart of white business. Things
are definitely moving that they were alwayswant this man as soon as possible.
But above all, remember no publishing. Oh there's going to be a terrible

(19:48):
round about this. And just whenI look like getting a copee in my
office, I can't say I'm pleasedwith the way you've handled things too scarcely
diplomatic. Should have left things tome, but when you specifically too late
for diplomacy now, of course,no use offering our naval friend the Olive
Brans probably just hit us over theadwith it. You could tight on this,

(20:10):
miss Chambers. I'll bet you'd bea pushover for that old world charm
of your not now, after theadmirals told her about the single episode.
They may have to see her beforehe does. We order a first calm,
go down there at once. It'sour only chance, said, he
don't lose her head. You can'tgo just dashing off like that. One
has commitments, you know that.Missus s here tonight tonight My wife has
her friends round. You're right,we'd better go quickly. You authorize my

(20:33):
expense sheet, and I'll authorize yourgood idea. If we can get Miss
Chambers to sell her place, theadmiral will have to come round. Well,
this is the house too, can'tthink why Miss Chambers and Angerstan.

(20:53):
I'm to it not a very goodrepairs. No, if it's only kipped
together by the di watch beatles holdinghand, I'll knock. I look too
when he answers and wants you tolet me do the talking. I wasn't
in the diplomatic branch all those yearsfor nothing. You know? Now?
All right? You are man.You turn on the charm and I'll put
my foot in the door. Hardlythink that'll be necessary? Yes, oh

(21:15):
good, Hughter know now do youdo? Miss Chambers? Oh my foot,
kindly remove it from my door.I know you you're the man from
the ministry. Aren't you now come, come, come, missus Chambers.
Can't we talk this over? We'vecome a long way, you know,
Oh very well, come in.Thank you. I thought my neighbor,

(21:36):
Admiral Monthly, had already been tosee you. Yes, O wipe your
feet too. Yes, he's beento see us. Indeed he has most
corporative and helpful. He's selling hisproperty, of course he is. No.
Yeah, it's talk. Yeah,I understood. Yes, there's miss
Tambers. And you will do thesame, now, won't you. I
have the agreement here for you tosign. You won't want to stay when
the admiral's face is taken over bythe army get chased around by a lot

(21:57):
of rough soldiers. But you knowit's not so ridiculous, it sounds,
I says, but like this isstrangest things could happen. Oh care you
anyway? A charming girl like youshouldn't be stuck in a place like this.
Sell it to us and you canhave a bit of a fling when
you're still compared to be young.I think I meant, I mean I

(22:18):
compared with the tortoise, for instance, as those toses lived to be two
hundred gunk hold. So we overfifties have quite a long way to go.
Yet I don't. And you needmy house as well. No,
no, no, no, youhaven't signed the bill of sale yet,
miss Chambers, nor shall I.I do not propose to sell this property.
I see you realize, Miss Chambers, we can use compulsively purchase a

(22:38):
be happy. Oh no, youwon't heave to them, Admiral man,
I just got back from London.So you Dora Jars okay, straight in
this band are trying to pull allover your eyes. Take note of this.
Don't worry. I didn't. Idon't think the diplomacy was a great
success. One do you want ifI try another text? Has it you
churd to you? Miss Chambers?This may be your only chance to get

(23:00):
a good price for the house.I mean it's in pretty bad condition,
isn't it. Look at all thedry ross in this paneling, for instance,
where you've only got to bag it, And I say I'm sure of
this on it? Did you usethat staircase much? Oh? What an

(23:26):
ice? It's fantastic. But waita minute, what's that scroll of paper?
Look inside the broken paneling? Idon't know that there's paneling's been there
for eight hundred years and now it'snast I shall call the police. Come
along too. I think it's timewe were all This scroll must have been
here all easier. Yes, lookit's parchment, dated twelve forty one.

(23:47):
Good heavens, it's a royal proclamation. By this deed, we edward the
first thing of England you give toThomas Belwolf Chambers, that piece of land
known as the Isle of Wight,as reward for loyal services rendered by Thomas
Chambers in our foreign wars and byhis wife in his absolucy. The sur

(24:07):
Isle of White sabi rule forever byThomas Chambers and his heirs on annual payment
to the British clown of forty puffinsgiven under our royal hand this first day
of June twelve hundred and forty one. Amazing thing fie pees. You'll see
what this means uncture The Isle ofWhite isn't part of Britain at all.
It's ruled by the descendant of ThomasChambers. And that's you, Queen Amelia.

(24:40):
And here is the news. Anemergency meeting of the International Court of
Justice of the Hague has upheld thenewly discovered documents giving the Isle of Wight
independence. In swiftly moving developments,today the British governor was expelled from the
island and Queen Emilia the first wasinstalled in Carrisbrook Castle. The Isle of
People are said to be solidly behindtheir new regime, Following an announcement by

(25:03):
their Prime Minister Horatio Monthly that therewas a ministered plan to turn the whole
island into a rocket range in Moscow, mister Krustoff called for an end to
British imperialism in the Isle of WightGreens and announced he would be visiting Ventnor
on a good will tour. Heconfirmed that Russian technicians were already arriving to

(25:23):
help develop the island's economy and nowhere is a late newslash. Admiral Monpley
has been asked about rumors that Isleof Wight forces are massing in the Cow's
area for an imminent invasion of England. In reply, he said we should
write good relations with our neighboring island, but unless we receive an immediate guarantee
of non intervention, a state ofwar will exist. He declined to comment

(25:48):
on reports that the Southampton Ferry,recently seized by the Islanders, had today
shelled. Badner reaches stand by forfurther bulletins. A for swittiga for gonnas
sake. I can't stand it,and it's all our fault. What are
we gonna do? Well? IfI unit the lamb, I throw myself
out of the window. Thank you, Milton. There's no use. I

(26:11):
couldn't commit suicide to save my life. The papers are calling it the biggest
international crisis since World War Two.My bern it's got his call up papers
this morning. He says. It'sthe same old story. The flower of
Britain's use answering the call to arms, if it's with any lucky sadies,
medical you got to get out ofthe way too. Ah. I got

(26:33):
that stop rider last. Honestly,how on earth you can pray gold at
a time like this. I raiseno sense in panicking, mypl You're honest
tablish stuff years, but I don'tthink even that'll save us this time.
The Prime Minister has given us twentyfour hours to find a solution. Yes,
bits high handed, I thought,mind you. I think he's not
upset about those faulty puffins. Outof why people sent his payment. By
the way, so Gregory says,we've got to move the puffins from the

(26:56):
conference law. It's your noise,gamgee. I think it's the policy subcommittee
in there. Puppins, those beastlypuppins. Every time I go in,
they seem to be more of them, more of them, more puppins.
Wait a minute, I think I'vegot it. More patsies. We ought
to have more puppies. That's thefirst day there, Williams. Adam's going
off her head. Yet is ofright charter said an annual payment of forty

(27:19):
puppies. See, they've been failingto supply pappins for the last eight hundred
years, so they've broken the charter. The island reverts to Bristain. David
Bright, you're right, she's right. A for your madness, hold you
unless they send us a back paymentof thirty two thousand. Push Sam,

(27:40):
that's likely too. No, Ithink we've gotten beaten. The International Court
of Justice are sure to reverse thedecision when they hear this. Yeah,
it's quite like, quite right.I'm just bringing up the PM and tell
him I found a solution. Anyposts this morning only this card from Monte

(28:00):
Carlo from Admiral Montly and miss Chambers. Oh yes, or I should say
Admiral and missus Muntley. Are theyenjoying their hormon peralthy? And so they
joined those suits on the manage.The War Office paid for their property about
three times. It's proper panera.Never mind that it was worth it to
get the whole business settled. There'sone thing to prove the island White still
legally belonged to Britain. There's quiteanother get in the island as a settled

(28:23):
down again. I must say itwas an inspired idea sending Wilfred Pickles on
a state visits. The main thingwas to kill that stupid rumor about turning
the whole island into a rocket range. Never know how that starts, but
it was you till Amy two.Are you still hoping to get an eventual
upgrading? Yes, I never knowhow it started either. Anyway, I

(28:48):
know what finished it, my officialstatement as all proposed rocket testing sites would
be in Scotland. That's what finallykilled the old feeding on the island.
Nothing worse. You know, Cardthat cat's making trouble on your own doorstep
when we immediately special edition of theSo No need to Oh my goodness,
you see this too? What?Oh? No ministry rocket statement in flames,

(29:11):
Scotland's Scottish troops invade the door Carlislebesieged by ten thousand Scottish soldiers under
General and Stewart Muddling Fools. TheMen from the Ministry were Wilfrid Hyde White

(29:37):
and Richard Murdoch, assisted by DianaOlson, nor m'ronald and Ryder Tries for
Great Britain, and opposed by JulianSummers and Joan Sanderson for the Isle of
Wight. The Men from the Ministryis written and produced by Edward Taylor.

(30:00):
Let's look as cont