019

Episode Transcript

(00:09):
Time to meet the Men from theMinistry. We present Wilfred Hyde White and
Richard Murdoch in the Men from theMinistry, A weekly tribute to the men
of Whitehall, men whose principal concernis quick and efficient service in the ancient

(00:31):
tradition and other well known public houses. At the heart of modern administration are
the experts, officials of judgment andexperience, trained to make clear and rapid
decisions. I'll take the whole mealbiscuits. No, I'll take the ginger.

(00:53):
No, I'd better take the wholemeal. I'll make your mind.
Mister Lane, if I take theginger biscuits, Number one will be annoyed.
He's said it partial to them.Well, if he last in that
match, he shouldn't get insulate.The early bird catches the gingerbeescuit. Morning
too, Good morning, Mildred,Good morning, said, good morning one.
You're early. We've only just startedour elevances. Oh I see,

(01:15):
and you've sorted out my favorite gingerbiscuits for me, splendid. I'll leave
you the homeil mister Lamb. Well, any work. There's the yeah,
and there's the and then again there'sthe no. Not really a chance to
file our papers and declutter the office. Good, good, good, No

(01:38):
angry messages from Sir Gregory. Iknow the Permanent under Secretary. No,
we nearly met crossing Trafalgar Square,but I managed to skulk behind one of
the line ar get it. Hello, General Assistance Department, Richard Lamb skulking
the speaking can help. It's you, I assure you behind one of the

(01:59):
Lions Square this morning. And ohI don't think so, was Greg I
was looking the other way at thetime. Yeah, yes, of course
it's for you one. That's yes. Hello, it's the greg How are
you and are you to bring meup? Are you keeping well? Eye
trust? What are you working onit? Not? Well? You know,

(02:20):
things are it'll quiet at the moment, Sir Gregory. A chance to
what did you get a chance todo a chance to file our papers and
declutter the office? And you yes, a chance to cutter our papers and
defile the office. What do youknow about British British Railways, to say,
Greg, Oh they run trains andthings, don't they. Well they
used to any one of the topone of the top one. Oh yes,

(02:45):
yes, Trotter's got a bit ofa book. Oh, certainly certain,
greg you give my regards to LadyTrotter and they depict today Greg begaun,
you've seen you've been cut off.What was all that about? There's
a chap coming over from British Railway. Oh heavens they've caught up with me.

(03:07):
I accidentally pulled the communication cord lastweek? What hooked it with my
umbrella? Hell? While demonstrating acricket shop accidentally pulled the communication cord.
What happened? Then? A scotsmanin our carriage offered to throw a fit
for two pounds ten Well, Ihardly think it's likely to be anything to

(03:28):
do with that. Yes, Mildred, thank you very much. That's him.
I send him in. Will youlook business like to it? Yes?
I better get all these biscuits offthe desk? Oh yeah, where
can I hide them? You'll begood morning? P R O to b
are How nice? How are you? Hamilton Jones MB and this is my
assistant Richard lamb BA failed so soGregory tells you are coming. Mister what's

(03:53):
the name again? Hes youre going? Do? Sit down? Mister?
You can take my hat off thechair, I say, you know it's
full of ginger biscuits. Is itjust an office? I am afraid we
finished all the whole meal. Well, I'll get strayed out. Fact,
there's something funny going on, somethingfunny going on. We've had reports in
amount of train running. Oh dearme, there are still a few left,

(04:15):
aren't there. Yes, but thisparticular one is running on a disused
line, closed down more than ayear ago. Whole things completely against regular
sticky business. Normally. Of coursewe'd send the railway police a law,
don't you, Yes, But they'rebusy at the moment. What would the
sports day coming out? Of courseI've tasted up a lot of time.
You want us to look into it? To you precisely? Don't want any

(04:36):
fuss, bad publisher, Do youleave it to ask? Mister r mister
leave to ask. We'll drop everythingelse. But we haven't done anything.
Be careful. We could do witha few days away from the hectic pace
of this office. You know whereis this closed down section? He tild
in the country. In the countryhas a small circular line. It runs

(04:57):
between love Grimley and Little pig Marle, or a charming spot where you used
to live. There there myself fullof grass and trees and things. What's
the best way of getting there?Are? The best way is by train,
straight there and no puss or bother. It always quicker by rail.
You know the railway lines closed down? You say, yes, of course
it is. You know it's alovely run. What's the better? Well,

(05:19):
how do we get there? Then? Very very difficult, very difficult.
Roads are in a shocking state,and that's why they build the railway
line. See it's closed it.Oh yeah, yes, it's a shame.
You know what. There's better?Stork man, I say, shall
we be devils in order of ministry? What a good idea is get on
to the right away, ring themup, Give me, give me a

(05:39):
ring if you find anything I havean off victorious street. Oh yes,
I congratulate you, right, sure, I must say. I'm looking forward
to the driveway, are you too? I'm looking forward to the drive very
comfortable. Those ministry cars well sprung'spatients, and best of all, you
can rarely depend on them. Ah, you're right, honestly, when I

(06:01):
don't think I can walk another step? Nonsense too? This is lower grimly,
isn't it. We're there, yes, but it must be ten miles
since the car broke down. Wewere very lucky to find this farm car
worried. It's all very well foryou sitting in the car that I can't
say I've enjoyed walking between the shaftspulling it. Now, don't fuss,

(06:23):
you do fuss, which an affrontto human dignity. We should both have
sat in the cars, and thechauffeur should have pulled it. Roberts had
to get the car picked up bya garage you know perfectly well all about
that. Look you're all right.There's the village pub. Ah, yes,
the laughing gamekeeper. That is awelcome sight of that splendid You can't
beat these village pubs for a goodold fashioned welcome absolutely a homing tanker and

(06:46):
a friendly game of Tiddley hate name. Let's go in, Let's go another
daddy lighted burner. A good afternoon, good afternoon, maybe teas? Maybe
tain't? Yes, well, Ithink of pints of bitter and go down

(07:09):
rather well, no bitter, Well, never mind, I'll have a couple
of hand sandwiches, may I miss? There'll be only one left? No
arm sandwiches. Oh yeah, well, we'll have the same as that chef
over in the corners drinking that theold trotten tater wine. Who gracious,

(07:30):
haven't you anything else? Nope,then I supposed we better have some hometrotten
taster wine, home trodden tater wine. Yes, no, arm trodden tater
wine. Just finished the last tubfor I say one. I've got the
feeling where not very welcome time,gentlemen, please time. It's only half
past one are but there's no sensein waiting until the last minute. Now

(07:56):
look here. It may surprise you, but we're not local people, right.
We're from the government in London,from the government in London, but
investigating reports and an illegal train hasbeen running on your local line. There
ain't been no trains around here sincea year last, not gathering, but
we've seen the report. It distinctlysaid a train had been running along the
line between here and a little pig. That's what indistinct They said. How

(08:18):
do you explained that? Eh,come along the malls, right, sir.
Yes, they're no trains here,no more, leastwise, no natural
trains. Natural trains. What doyou mean because what you just said,
sir, that does sound like thephantom locomotive. Would the endless engine driver
headless engine driver. What ah theydo sail on the moonlight night? It

(08:41):
comes thundering round. It's best forgood Christian folk not to think on such
things, Oh headless engine driver.Oh no, oh, we don't want
to pay no money to him?Did like you know wise tale? Oh
well then that's yay. I don'tsuppose he really searches for innocent folk to
fling on the firebox of his phantomlocomotive. Oh yeah, and perhaps you

(09:07):
will be getting back to the office, went on, goode, what are
you talking about? We'd go downto the station and have a look round.
I can see photo. Well,we won't learn anything here. Come
along to snoopers. I knew atthe minute they walked in. Here are
and would old Jed do on hisregular run this very day. Let's get

(09:31):
some more colon in nad we doat Brimley autumn ten minutes right now,
grand Dad, we're going to stopthere. Must keep the regulations. Lad
wouldn't do for the pig marsh flyerto be late on our last run with
it. I remember, boy,these very lines was laid by my great
grandfather is Sambourg Kingdom Jones. Andthere's not a man in the family,

(09:52):
since it hasn't worked for the railways. Careful watch him, Sprocketts. Yes,
Grandad, good mad, we'll soonbe at Brimley. At here we
are too grimly Hall station. What'sthat note? Is on the gate closed

(10:13):
by order of doctor beaching? Thensomeone's written a few remarks underneath. I
see, Never mind about it,Open up the gates. Open up the
gates. Yes, seems deserted enoughterus it does? Ever? Look around
behind this door? Do you thinkI see one? You can't go in
there? Why not? Oh?Is I do beg upon? Quite right?
No not, Let's try this oneover hed in refreshments, beer and

(10:37):
spirits, sir, spirits, servial. I don't like the sounds there.
Don't be ridiculous. No, it'sspooky, isn't it. I wonder if
they've left anything to eat. I'mstarving. There's an eighteen month old egg
and tomato sandwich here? Has thatany good? Not quite as stale as
the usual station food. I don'tsuppose anything behind the countess to rusty old

(10:58):
hammer. As far as I cansee, that would have been for chipping
the cutters. Bright boy. Verylikely, Well, there's nothing in here.
Let's have a look outside. Isay, one, have you got
an got a penny? What for? It's something I always do when I'm
on a rail. Waste what youmean? I just can't resist those machines
that stamp out your name on alittle strep. There you are, waste

(11:24):
of money. Waste of money.Here's one of those weighing machine things.
There we are rue name plate,very useful for all the very useful.
Let me see Richard Lamb, generalass It was going to be general assistance.
I ran out of What is yourcard? Say? My card says
you are hard working and conscientious.Your only fault is your extreme generosity.

(11:48):
It's got your weight wrong. Togo and see what's in the booking office?
Right you are? I often wonderedwhat it was like inside of these
little windows. The booking clerks neverseemed to be able to hear me properly.
Empty in the What did you say? I beg a pardon. It's
all about I can't hear you properly. No use to. I can't hear

(12:09):
a word you're saying. I bettercome out. No, no, I
think you'd better come out anywhere elsewe can look. I was beginning to
enjoy it. I don't think Itried the waiting room locked, of course,
as usual, wasting our time here. This station hasn't had a train
through it in a long while.Of course it hasn't fancy those characters,
and the pump tried to frighteners likethat pansom locomotive. Indeed, oh,

(12:31):
agent for me. It's him,so head his engine driver, it come
to take his ponsible revenge. Don'tbe absurd, heavens, it's a train
coming around the bend, a realtrain. Bit old fashioned, isn't it.
But it's as solid, is allright? Where are you behind this
bubblegum machine? Come out of there? Remember we got a job to do.

(12:56):
You're absolutely right, man, it'sjust a train, probably got on
the wrong line by mistake. You'llsee the passengers all star complaining in a
moment. That doesn't seem to beanybody in it. Nonsense, must be
someone about. Let's have a lookin a carriage or two, shall we?
Yeah, I knew it. There'snobody here. The whole trains deserted.

(13:16):
Looks like an old newspaper picked upand see look at the headline.
I lost my head, says accusedman. Lost his head. Let your
imagination run away engine the men?What's that footstep on the platform. He's
coming to us steady too. Don'tworry about British Railways don't employ headless engine
drivers contrary to regulations. Allow whatare you two doing here? Then?

(13:41):
Oh, thank goodness he has gota head, look well right between his
shoulders and enough bits. Why say, granddad? I bet they're traveling without
or tickets. It's a midget farmand my grandson. Why no, I
don't show. But he's right.You know, the kicking off from the
art be closed nine forty months now. Look here, whatever your name is,

(14:03):
well Polk Foundies partly call me oldJeff the indeed, Well, I
think you've got some explain to OldJebes. My name is Hamilton Jones is
my assistant Lamb. We've come downfrom the Department of General Assistance in London
to find out what the devil you'replaying at running this unscheduled author thoroughly illegal
trade on a closed down line.Oh well, what are you going to

(14:26):
say for yourself? For I cansee I should have to come clean.
Yes, yes, well tis likethis Jersey. I've been driving a local
train for nine and forty years aboutyou to get my goal watch. I
was then a bit over a yearpassed. They shut down this line and
I was redundanmant you were redundant?Yeah good yeah, bad luck because nothing
can be done about it. Butof course that sad story. Sad story.

(14:48):
I was about to tell you.I gets me pension, all right,
still yeah, but but no gowatch you see for all me years
of service, no gold wall,No there I was cash aside. I'm
watching study ONNLD of your My greatgrandfather had to go watch me. Yeah,
my grandfather had to go watch myfather hather go watch but me nothing

(15:09):
nothing, Now I hadn't completed meforty years. Serve set yourself. Yeah,
you mustn't upset. No, I'mnot doing it, No no,
And now you see the village Froatgets together and has just think the squire,
who's of course very well up inlegal matters. And I can't have
been sued by all them women,he says. The railway by laws don't

(15:31):
say nothing about me having to completeforty years on any one of their trains.
Good gracious, Ah, that's right. See, so I qualified for
my watch if I runs a properregular train service between air and Little pig
Marsh Kill or forty years is up. The line was closed. Where did
you get this train? Ah,that's the square is doing too. Yes,
of course he helps to run thepig Marsh Museum. He does,

(15:52):
and he arranged for USh you seet. They were sort of burrow this old
pig Marsh flyer and I it's notto have your old carriages. What was
left in the side in and wewas all set. It was very interesting,
but it's almost irregular and it can'tgo on, you know, but
this is our last one. Morearound the line to a little Pigment.
Oh please, hear, let me, let me finish a run shirt please
one. Don't you think that justicethink my family? You see, sir,

(16:15):
there's all railways always have been CousinJoshua in sigamal boxes to see cousin
Jooner what caps are wheels? Andeven in nebew barth alom you and we
don't talk about and account he tooka white colored job. I suppose to.
I suppose in the circumstances, justthis one trip. Oh, bless
you, bless, I gotta getme go. What have I gotta get

(16:41):
he's turning blue. Excitement has beentoo much for looks like his nursty turn
to take him down at the pub. I'm that it's not serious. I
got I gotta take train. No, no, no, you can't drive
a train in your andy. Igot joy, I got you the family

(17:02):
honor. Oh, dear, Iwish there was something we could do.
Well, that's right answer. Maybethe youngster air can show you out at
work in the control over. Ididn't mean all the ductures session that I
shouldn't be excited, that one thatI haven't want to returns you see anything
like Acne, says, Oh,the shame of it. The family tradition,
broken land. And if it's onlya short run, that's right.
Will the lad air show you allyou need to know? And then he

(17:23):
can come back and help his oldgrandad along the pump. Oh isn't this
exciting? I've always wanted to drivea railway engine. Ever you indeed so
have I? Oh exactly, let'ssee how good you are at shoveling coal?
Well, begs eye to the whistle. Sit you down, Jed,

(17:48):
you look quite shook up. Theministry man been pestering him I'll be bound
nay now, they're fine pear lads. And two offered to take the old
engine to a little pig Marsh whenhe had my nasty turn. Well,
I told him all about this family. You see what it always worked in
the railway. Are you every rightto be proud of your family? All
excepting your nephew, Boss, youwe don't talk about in math. Took

(18:10):
me up behind the signal box.He did promise to show me how the
points worked. Tell me boilers.That reminds me. I forgot to tell
them there and the nurse to getout and change the points at barley Mo
corner. And if they don't dothat, they'll find themselves on the main
lines. Oh there, you doit all right. Everyone knows that you
have to change the points at barleyMo Corner. I say one, shouldn't

(18:44):
We have reached Little pig Marsh bynow stop fasting too, Let's have some
more colon. I'm doing my best, but it's all dirty. I'll give
it a rab with your handkerchief.Keep your eye on the thin jig which
thing the g one next to thedodar? They watch them call it?
Whether what you're going up? Anddown. You know that they am I
being too technical for you? No? No, no, you certainly seem
to know all about rail quite simple. Ere you know? How do you

(19:07):
stop it? I bring the train? How do you stopple at your problem?
Didn't the lad tell you no?But I don't panic. I'm sure
one of these leaders would do thetrain. Which one shall we try?
Let's try this one, shall we? Oh? Yeah, it's going faster.
I don't think I better touch anythingelse. Look out, there's something
coming. There shouldn't be any othertrains on this line. It's all closed

(19:30):
down. Dear. I've got ahorrid feeling. We must be out onto
the main railway system. Yes,and the thing's going faster every minute and
we don't know how to stop it. Now I'm getting worried about them.
They're Londoners, two arts and weheard no more on it. Shouldn't it

(19:52):
taken them more than fifteen minutes toget a little pig marsh. They should
have been back by now. Theircar will be waiting outside, complete with
a driver, all dressed up inliverish. Well, well, I hope
say to get a move on.I don't like the look at the weather,
are like they do say when greenkits fly, load is ail and
snow true enough? And when greenkitch fly I it will never be dry.

(20:15):
And what do they be doing today? I don't know. It's never
been no green kitchen In his part, I've turned on the wire in this
weather forecast about you. Here thereis a news flash. Reports are coming
in of a runaway locomotive throwing theBritish railway system into chaos. An eye
witness account has been given by thedriver of the Swansea Express right here,
twenty seven year old Arthur Hughes.He saw the locomotive coming towards him on

(20:40):
the same line and had to drivehis own train backwards for ten miles through
depots and sidings. I finished up, he said, with fifty coaches,
nine restaurant cars and a wagon ofHereford bull. How them right? Enough?
Passengers from London to save End havebeen diverted via Glasgow and to go
to Arrow has been taken aboard theWoolage ferry. Sounds like trouble. JAD.

(21:04):
There is no truth in the rumorthat a goods train carrying sheep has
been diverted onto the Piccadilly line ofthe London underground. Well, thank the
Lord for that. It was,in fact the baker Loo. The train
that is causing all the trouble appearsto be heading for Victoria. Switch it
off. I'll switch it off whenyou with You're all my fault. I'll
have to borrow their car, getthat chat and drive me to Victoria Station.

(21:33):
Attention please, owing to circumstances beyondour control, there will be no
further trains arriving here in Victoria Stationfor the next hour. The train down

(22:00):
standing in the refreshment puffe two weseem to have stopped. Yes, these
station buffetes are more solid than theylook. See your coffee, dearie,
a pardon? They won't like it. You know you're bringing that train in

(22:21):
here trying to jump the queue?Were you? This can all be explained
metal. We're not bothered. Firstbit of excitement I've had since I found
some meat in a sausage roll.I see you. What the devil do
you think you're playing it? Dear? Is that mister Trotter from British woo
Wue engine driver? What's going on? Good afternoon, there's little chili for

(22:44):
the time of year, don't youthink bringing your train into the passenger,
Buffey, why do you think weprovide a staff, Cantino Totter. We're
not staff. We're Hamilton Jones andLamb from the General Assistant department. My
worst, there you are. Ididn't recognize rather all that you asked us
to look into this illegal train.Good brief man. I didn't want it
brought here, and I certainly didn'twant to run into the station. Buffy.

(23:08):
Be fair, it's only about halfwayin just a minute. You're the
ones who've been followed up the wholerailway system, all right, yes,
of course the national emergency. WhenI put in my report, I wouldn't
like to be in law shoe.Where are the gentleman who's that? It's

(23:29):
the head discensine driver Google, goodheavens, Uncle Jib, Uncle Jim.
That's right. Yeah, this jarsmy nephew by telling you that we're all
ashamed of your yea, what's goingon? I'll tell you what's going on,
old Jim. Your nephew barthol himis going to put in a report,
and he said he wouldn't like tobe in our shoe. That said,

(23:52):
it's going to get my friends inthe trouble. As by slam you.
I haven't you here, but uncleJim, they've coursed kills. Oh
your tongue. Man. Any troublefor my friends here and I'll be telling
mar where you are. Maul youmean that bomb made person. Ah.
She's got the idea of an obligation, like so is her father. You

(24:12):
know in Watch County Wrestling Champion,they keep asking after you're whereabouts? Yes,
if you wouldn't tell them Only ifyou make a lot of trouble,
I think he said, if he'sfrom the chaos, the damage. I
can't conceal the fact. Ah.But what matters is how you present them.
How I present yes. Now listen, I've got an idea, Molly

(24:44):
Mildred. Oh man, it's veryexciting. I can't see the newspaper,
not yet. Your names in allof them. Look daring civil servants,
Stop runaway train, I say,read it out. Ronald Hamilton, Joe
st Oxford, Rugger Blue upheld thefine traditions of the British civil Service yesterday
when he holed himself aboard a trainthat was out of control. The train,

(25:10):
drawn by an old engine from pigMarsh Museum, is thought to have
been started by hooligans. Mister HamiltonJones in the area on business allow himself
aboard and managed to bring the runawaysafely to a halt in Victoria Station.
He was assisted by his colleague andmister Richard Lamb. Richard Lamb, Yeah,
they spelt it wrong. They nevermind. Is still a big picture,

(25:33):
mister Hamilton Jones. Oh yes,they've just got my left children.
Come into the office this morning.Oh indeed he is. He's just gone
along to see old Jim presented withhis girl. Watch here he is now
morning man. Did you see thepresentation? Oh yes, they did.
The old boy proud brig speeches andshakes tears of joy in his eyes when
he finally got the wall splendid.I wonder what he'll do with it in

(25:57):
the last case, no, no, no thing. I got you m'
you're gonna do the same with hisgrandfather and his father died. You know
what, sell it said if itwas worth at least fifty pounds, thank
god, something else. He totterbought it for young James's grandson. You
know you know the Yeah, Isaid, I said, we deliver it
for it. What is it?It's a large train, set here we

(26:18):
are, come and look at thissignal stations that tunnels the lot. I
think we better test it. Whata good idea you lay the lines are
lay the lines out mildered. Youcould be in charge of the points,
can't you? I'll drown. Itis going to be a busy day to
day muddeling through as The men fromthe Ministry were Wilfred Hyde, White and

(26:48):
Richard Murdoch. Also featured Maroy DetriceNorman, Ronald Jack Watson, and Brandon
Hawkins. The program was written byJohnny Mortimer, Bryan Cook and Edward Taylor
and produced by Edward Taylor. RyderTrice is a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company.