America, What?/Healing after a Narcissistic Relationship

Healing is essential when coming out of a relationship with a narcissist. Jayden Miller shares his advice from personal experience and experts. Also, what is going on in the United States? Can we do better? A podcast that will surely make you want to listen.

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/think-about-it-with-jayden-miller--5114996/support.

Episode Transcript

(00:15):
Good day, good day, andwelcome to Think About It with Jaden Miller.
I am your host, Jaden Miller. Welcome on this beautiful Sunday in
Phoenix, Arizona. It is goingup to about one hundred and eleven degrees
today on auguste twenty seven, twotwenty three. I hope you guys are
doing well. Welcome back to anotherepisode of my podcast. But before I

(00:40):
get started, please check out mywebsite at www dot Jadenmiller dot com.
That's Jay D E N M IL L E R dot com. You
can find out some interesting things aboutme there, and also please like,
share, and subscribe on my YouTubechannel and like comm and then follow on
your favorite podcast platform. You canfind me on Spotify, Apple podcast Spreaker,

(01:07):
Google podcast cast Box, I HeartRadio, Good Pods, Podvine,
Amazon podcast, podcast Addicts, andso many more. Again, welcome back
to my podcast for this week,August twenty seven, twenty twenty three.
A lot has gone on in thelast few days. Just wanted to share

(01:30):
a few things before I really getinto my topic today. Yesterday, a
little after one pm Eastern time inthe Great State of Florida, unfortunately,
there was a shooting that happened.So there was a young man and I

(01:53):
will tell you his name in justa moment, But he decided that he
wanted to go into a local dollargeneral store in Jacksonville, Florida and killed
three black people. Uh. Itwas racially motivated. He did target these
people, and he authored several manifestosfor the media, his parents, and

(02:17):
law enforcement detailing his hatred for blackpeople. The suspect had no criminal history
and had purchased the weapons. Hehad, an AAR fifteen and a handgun
glock handgun. Uh. During thisthis killing of these African American people yesterday,

(02:38):
as I mentioned, he had nocriminal record. Uh. There was
once a domestic violence call with hisbrother a few years prior. However,
there were no other red flags forthe police or anybody else to know.
He had a Baker Act, whichis a Florida law that allows people to

(03:01):
be placed in temporary detention with emergencyservices for up to seventy two hours for
a mental health examination. The shooterhad authored three manifestos, one to federal
agents, one to his parents,and one to the media in which he
detailed his disgusting ideology of hate.That's according to Jacksonville Sheriff TK Waters.

(03:27):
The actual name of this individual isRyan Christopher Palmeter, Ryan Christian. I'm
sorry, Ryan Christopher Palmeter, twentyone years old, and you have to
ask yourself the question what causes atwenty one year old to have so much
hatred? Probably for individuals that hehas very little contact with anyway. But

(03:52):
it's the state of times that welive in. There's just so many ugly
things that are happening, happening allacross our country. One of the guns
that this shooter had used that usedwas had a swastika on it and the
f a photo of the weapons wereshared at a press conference at the Sheriff's

(04:15):
office in Jacksonville, Florida. Theshooting occurred less than a mile away from
Edward Waters University, which is ahistorically black college, and the university put
out a statement that said that amember of its security team actually saw the
shooter on campus. They confronted himand when he wouldn't identify himself, they

(04:38):
asked him to leave Waters. Thesheriff said that he put on his vest
and masks before leaving, but itisn't known if he intended to attack the
school. The FBI's Jacksonville office hasopened a federal civil rights investigation and will
pursue the incident as a hate crime. Now shocking for me. Florida Governor

(05:00):
Ron Descantist, someone who doesn't likeAfrican American books to be taught in Florida
schools, called the shooter a scumbag, saying it was totally unacceptable that he
targeted people based on their race.I have my issues with Florida Governor Ron
Descantis, probably more so his choiceof words. But when three people,

(05:23):
three African American people, are killedby someone that has these racist tendencies and
puts out a manifesto, his actionsare not totally unacceptable. We can find
certainly so much better vernacular comments wordsthan it's totally unacceptable. It's totally totally

(05:44):
unacceptable for school children to misbehave ina classroom, okay, But when someone
takes the life of three innocent individuals, that's a little little bit more than
totally unacceptable. Uh. He toldhe targeted these people based on their race.

(06:05):
Uh. Well, anyway. GovernorRon Decantists also said that the shooter
took the coward's way out by killinghimself rather than facing the consequences of his
actions, and then the Sentists wenton to say, we condemn what happened
in the strongest possible terms. Well, totally unacceptable. Acceptable is a U

(06:26):
is not a strong possible term.But anyway, we're not sure what motivated
this. Uh. If there's anythingthat you know triggered this individual, Uh,
he's dead. There's no way totalk to him. The police have
not released more information from his manifestosother than he had some ugly things to

(06:50):
say about African American people. Andthen you have to ask the question again,
and I want you guys to thinkabout this, because the Seists think
about it with Jada Miller, iswhere does it's Where does this hatred come
from? Where does this hatred comefrom? U? Does it come from
the state of our nation where there'sso many racial incidents that happen, some

(07:15):
of them known and some of themnot. H Does this come from uh?
Child rearing? Does it come fromthe family? Does it comes from
who we associate with? Does itcome from the political tide of our country
today? So those are some somequestions that really need to be answered.

(07:36):
Uh. This, of course,it's not the first time that someone has
gone off and did a shooting suchas this targeting people of color, or
because someone has a different sexual orientation, or they come from a different country
or something of that nature. Andso, uh, it's just a really

(07:57):
really sad thing. Now. Also, on the very same day that this
incident happened, thousands converged on theNational Mall for the sixtieth anniversary of Reverend
Martin Luther King Juniors marched on Washington. Of course, that happened back in
nineteen sixty three when two hundred andfifty thousand people gathered, and it is

(08:20):
still considered one of the greatest andmost consequential racial justice and equality demonstrations in
United States history. So unfortunately,while this individual was shooting African American people
to death in a Dollar General storein Jacksonville, Florida, at least there

(08:41):
were thousands of people that were gatheringto celebrate the legacy of doctor Martin Luther
King, Junior. And his speech, the speakers talked about the importance of
Asian American rights and rights for everyone, not singling out people, because that
is not what this country is supposedto be about. Yolanda King, the

(09:07):
fifteen year old granddaughter of the ReverendMartin Luther King Junior roused marchers with remarks
delivered from the same spot our grandfathergave the I Have a Dream speech sixty
years ago, according to Yolanda King, and I quote, if I could
speak to my grandfather today, Iwould say, I'm sorry. We still
have to be here to rededicate ourselvesto finishing your work and ultimately realizing your

(09:33):
dream. She said. Today racismis still with us, poverty is still
with us. And now gun violencehas come for places of worship, our
schools, and our shopping centers.So those two incidents, those two things
happened yesterday at shooting in Jacksonville,Florida, and thousands of individuals went back

(09:56):
to Washington, d on the NationalMall to mark the sixtieth anniversary of the
I Have a Dreaming speech. Now, you know, I don't want to
just leave or you know, asI continue to have this conversation with you,
I don't want to just leave youall with the well, you know
some of that was negative or thatI started off negative. You know,

(10:20):
I've been watching a lot of TikTokvideos lately on a variety of different subjects.
But I came across this one yesterdayas well, And you know,
I thought I would share this becauseeven though we have ugly things that happen
in our country, you know,this TikTok video that I watched yesterday reminds

(10:43):
me that, you know, wearen't always as bad as what we think
we are. There are incidents thatovershadow the positive ones, but I would
beckon to believe that there are probablya whole lot more positive things, positive
things that go on in terms ofhow we get along as different racial groups

(11:07):
and how we should be getting alongas Americans. But I saw this video
of Ken Griffy Junior and his formerSeattle Mariners teammate Jay Buner. Now,
if you know anything about sports,Ken Griffy Junior was a baseball player and
he played for a number of teams, including the Chicago White Sox and the

(11:28):
Seattle Mariners. And his teammate wasJay Buner. Now, Ken Griffy Junior
is African American and Jay Buner isa white Man. But back in two
thy thirteen, Ken Griffy Junior wasinducted into the Seattle Mariners Hall of Fame,
and he gave a speech that night, and this goes back to you

(11:52):
know, race relations in this countryand how there's always hope and that we
need to see more of what I'mabout to share with you. In the
TikTok video, Ken Griffy is onthe stage and he's, you know,
talking about his career and that,and then he looks over at Jay Bunor

(12:13):
who's sitting there as one of theattendees, and this is what Ken Griffey
Jr. Says. He says,and I'll quote of all people that I
would consider my brother from another mother, a guy who listens to country music
whereas cowboy boots, big belt buckles, I got seventeen speakers in the car,

(12:35):
wear sweatsuits and love rap music.Two people that are so far apart
on every level became really close.And I don't know if that's the position
changes that we had. I wentover to right field, he came over.
But there was no other person inthis world other than my parents that

(12:56):
if something ever happened to me,my wife, that I would want to
raise my kids. Now, ifyou see this TikTok video, during this
speech, you'll see Jay Buner andhe's on the stage and he is crying.
He is actually crying, okay,they are best of friends. Okay.
And here again you have this AfricanAmerican man and you have this white

(13:18):
man who, really, as KenGriffy Junior said, you know, couldn't
be further apart, just in termsof the things that they like. And
yet here's Jay Bunor crying okay likea little kid, okay over the wonderful
words that Ken Griffy Junior is speakingto him. If we had more of

(13:41):
that in the United States of America, this country would be a much better
place. If we had less peoplethat were spouting off their big mouths over
political gains and wanting to be presidentand all of the other silly, ugly
things that have including the killing ofpeople regardless of its three black people are

(14:03):
three white people. If it's aschool full of Latino kids, it's ridiculous,
and it's and it's just sad thatit happens. But if we have
more of this happening, which Isuspect does happen, we just don't hear
about it as much. We justdon't see it as much because the powers
that be that want to continue tokeep us divided as a nation don't want

(14:28):
us to see that they want usto focus on the negativity that happens,
and so that makes it really reallysad. All right, well, let
me move on to some other goodnews. If you guys did not know
she carry Richardson, that girl canrun, okay, I mean she that's
a bad girl, Okay, butanyway, Sha carry Richardson Gaby Thomas.

(14:54):
In the United States women were ableto hold off Team Jamaica to win the
relay, running running a championship recordtime of forty one point zero three.
Regison ran the anchor leg and shewas able to maintain the United States lead
over a hard charging Sharika Jackson,who ran the anchor leg four. Team
Jamaica. Jamaica crossed the line secondat forty one point twenty one. Great

(15:20):
Britain ran a forty one point ninetyseven to get third. The win gave
Shakari Richardson two gold medals at thisyear's World Championships and three total medals.
Regison pulled off an upset and thewomen's one hundred meters to win the event.
She also raced to a bronze medalin the women's two hundred meters,
So congratulations to them. Congratulations tothe men's team as well, because my

(15:45):
understanding is that they won, andin fact, Noah Lyles and the men's
four by one hundred vlay team rana world leading time of thirty seven point
thirty eight to win the event.The United States men had a comfortable lead
almost the entire higher race around thetrack. Italy claimed the silver, running
a season best time of thirty sevenpoint sixty two, and Team Jamaica ran

(16:08):
a thirty seven point seventy six toround out the top three. So we've
got winners on both sides. We'vegot the men United States men winning winning,
and we have the United States womenleading. Saw a good day for
them. I have, as Imentioned earlier, been watching a lot of

(16:33):
TikTok videos, and a couple ofweeks ago, I did a video.
I'm sorry, not a video.I did a podcast. I did a
podcast on NPD. That's narcisistic,narcissistic, and I still have a problem
saying that word because it's so hardto say. I don't know who developed
that word, it came up withthat word, but narcis narcist. Staff

(16:56):
here I go again. I'm gonnatry it again. Narcistic. There we
go narcisistic. I think I wantto say cissists too many times, narcissistic
personality disorder. I did a podcaston that a couple of weeks ago and
got a number of individuals to watchthat or and too. I'm sorry I

(17:18):
keep saying watched because I'm thinking aboutvideo. But I got a lot of
people because I watched TikTok videos.But you listen to my podcast, so
I had a lot of people tolisten to it. And since then,
I have been finding a lot moreabout narcisistic personality disorder, and I guess

(17:41):
I'm doing so. And it's reallynot that I guess I am doing so
because admittedly, and most people don'tlike to admit when they've been a victim
of something, But I've been avictim of a narcissistic, narcisistic wife.
Okay, well actually a narcisstic Xwife now. And abuse comes in many

(18:08):
forms, and so a lot oftimes we think about abuse just being physical
abuse, and sometimes we think aboutmental abuse, but that mental abuse is
so much different. Okay, wetalk about emotional abuse and the trauma that
comes after being abused by individuals,and so a couple of weeks ago,

(18:30):
I laid it out. I talkto you all about narcisstic personality disorder,
and I mentioned that, you know, I am now divorced and happily so
to be rid of that type ofabuse in my home and in my life,
because it can rob you of yourpeace, It can rob you of

(18:53):
your physical stamina, It can robyou of your finances and your relationship and
ships with other people. It isextremely enduring. Okay, And no one.
My podcast was generally geared towards men, but it was for women too,
and I made mention of that anumber of times, that no one

(19:15):
should be in a narcissistic relationship,Okay. And I've shared some videos that
others made on my TikTok account andon my Instagram account and also on my
Facebook account, and people have reallybeen a commenting and rallying around that because

(19:38):
you know, narcissistic behavior in manyways, it's kind of covert. It's
kept behind closed doors. And justlike physical abuse should not be hidden,
this kind of abuse should not behidden either, because it robs people,
okay, of their dig it robsthem of their self esteem, it can

(20:03):
rob them, it can actually robthem of their lives as well, and
so I've really been a proponent ofmaking sure that I share from my own
experiences how you how narcissistic narcissistic behavior, how it occurs, why it occurs,
and what you need to do toget from under that type of abuse,

(20:26):
because it is abuse. Okay.Oftentimes when men are the victims of
abuse, it's pushed aside because we'resupposed to be the stronger sex. But
abuse is abuse, and abuse canhave long lasting effects on anyone, regardless

(20:47):
of your sex. And so,as a man who has been married to
or dates women, you know,I just want those of you that are
either in those relation relationships or thinkingabout getting out of those relationships to tell
you that you do have support.So I watched a TikTok video from a

(21:08):
man yesterday that I reposted, andhe talked about being in a relationship with
the narcissistic wife for ten years,and he went on to say that he
lost a six figure job, hehad four kids, He said he was
thirty five years old, he losta six figure job, he lost his

(21:30):
reputation in the community, but hesaid that he would gladly give that up
to be free of this woman.And her behavior. He had had enough
of that behavior. And so certainly, no one that I know personally,

(21:51):
and most people that I don't know, don't like when women are mistreated,
whether it be physically or emotionally,mentally, what have you. But we
should also have that same regard formen that have been mistreated by women,
because it happens. You know,I was watching the other day and actually

(22:15):
listening on the entertainment tonight and someother and watching and just looking at some
stuff on on websites. But ifyou guys know who Steve Harvey is,
he's the entertainer. He's a comedian, and he has his own show,
to Steve Harvey Show, and alsohe's the host of the Family Feud.
Well, his wife was caught cheatingwith his security, his bodyguard. So

(22:41):
now, when men cheat on women, that seems to be such a negative
for women, you know, sucha negative. But when men get cheated
on, it seems as though thatsame that same stamina, that same disregard,

(23:03):
that same you know, dislike forthat type of behavior is not as
high. And that's the double standardthat I don't like. So Steve Harvey
is hurting. Steve Harvey has beenhe's been abused in a certain kind of
way, all right, but he'sbeen betrayed. And betrayal is really really

(23:26):
hard. It's really really hard.It's hard for women that have been cheated
on in relationships, and it's hardfor men that have been cheated on.
And the thing about his relationship isthat it's so public, and she cheated
on him, and now she hasthe nerve to go and file for divorce
because now she wants half of hisfour hundred million dollar fortune. See,

(23:51):
it's that kind of stuff that reallycauses men to step back, to not
want to get married, to notwant to be in serious relationships, because
sometimes you have women that are outthere for material things and not for love.
Women will love their children, butwhen it comes to relationships, sometimes,

(24:12):
oh my gosh, women cannot benice. And I'm just pointing that
out. And again, I wantto be very very clear that men can
be awful in relationships too, Trustme, men can. But I don't
want to deny mentioning that women cantoo, and it can be just as

(24:33):
hurtful. But the response to itought to be equal. Okay, if
you don't like it when men cheaton women, don't come up with the
excuses for women that cheat on men. It's just that simple. What's good
for the goose is good for thegander, and it's very, very hurtful
to whomver it happens too. Solet me get back to the narcissistic wife

(24:56):
thing. Okay, I'm gonna talkabout this again because I really want to
just hit a couple of more pointsthan things that I didn't hit when I
talked about it a couple of weeksago. But I want to talk about
the seven lasting effects of your narcissisticwife's abuse. And again, it is
abuse, man. Okay, don'ttry to call it anything like, oh,

(25:19):
well, that's just how she is. No, narcissistic behavior is not
just how someone is. Okay,that's something that they need to go to
therapy or go to counseling four becauseyou need to change those behaviors. Okay.
See, narcissistic behavior is totally unacceptableshooting three people in a dollar general.

(25:41):
We can come up with terms betterthan totally unacceptable. So anyway,
getting back to my point, nomatter how much you try to do for
your wife, and this goes notjust for wives, this goes for men
or women. That are in relationshipsand not married, boyfriend and girlfriend,
what have you. Okay, itcan be same sex relationships whatever. Okay,

(26:04):
But because she's a narcissist, andI'm just gearing this towards men right
now, because I'm a man thatlikes women dates women, you will never
be able to do enough. Youmight love her, but you need to
be aware of how her behavior willaffect you in the long run. I've
said on my videos that I've sharedor reposted on my Instagram account and my

(26:26):
TikTok account, you need to leave, get away from these people. You
cannot stay in a relationship with anarcissistic abuser. You cannot women. If
you are in a narcissistic relationship witha man, you have got to divorce
him. If you're married to him, or if you are in a relationship
with him, you have got toleave. If you just are friends with

(26:49):
the narcissist, that person will continueto put you down and put themselves ahead
of you. You can choose betterfriends than them. You can do not
whatever relationship you are in, ifthat person has a narcissistic behavior or personality
disorder, you need to leave themalone. They need to find out or

(27:10):
they need to be told by someoneelse that they have these tendencies, they
have this behavior, and they havegot to seek help because they damage people.
They damage people. But here areseven damaging effects of the narcissistic abuse
you're enduring or you endured. Okay, Now, as you continuously live with

(27:33):
her constant criticism, gas lighting,lies and manipulations, you start to doubt
your own abilities. Yourself confidence takesa hit because it seems like you can't
do anything right no matter how hardyou try. I watch a TikTok video
yesterday that a man put up avideo camera and secretly recorded the conversation between

(27:57):
him and his wife, and mygod, gosh, that man he had
the lower self esteem. All hecould talk about is well, I didn't
do this because every time I tryto do something, you know it's not
right for you. You know,I mean just low self esteem that it
impacts his ability to do things becauseof her reaction to it. When your

(28:19):
self esteem drops people, it canaffect every other part of your life.
It can make you question at working, home, and it can cause you
to put up with treatment you otherwisewouldn't endure. And that is me Okay,
so when I'm sharing these things withyou, I'm sharing them about myself
as well. I put up withtreatment I otherwise wouldn't endure. Okay.

(28:42):
So my ex was was good looking, Okay, she was soft spoken,
Okay, kind hearted, kind naturedto other people in public. Okay.
So people her friends are the peoplethat I've known her for a while.
Those people see a totally different sideof her. Try living with her in

(29:07):
a or being with her in arelationship. It's totally different. Okay.
You can do You can want tohave a conversation about something very very mundane
or simple, or you want totalk about something positive that happens and I'm
talking about. In a matter ofseconds, she will turn it around and
make it seem as though you've donethe worst thing because you did not put

(29:30):
her first. Okay. So that'sthe one thing about narcissist behaviors or personality
disorder. They always want you toput them ahead of everyone else. Okay.
You can't have relationships with your parentsthat are ahead of her. You
can't have relationship with friends that you'vehad for years because she's threatened. Okay.

(29:52):
You can't go to the store andbuy anything because if you do and
you buy it for yourself and notthink of her, that's a problem.
My gosh, it is extremely difficult. And I want you all to think
about this because this is think aboutit with Jada Miller. Have you all
been, or any of you allin relationships with people like that that causes

(30:14):
you to have self low self esteemthat anything you do, if you don't
put her first and deny yourself orother people that are close to you,
you are with the wrong person.Next chronic anxiety. When you're living with
a narcissist, it's like walking aroundon eggshells all of the time. You

(30:37):
never know what can trigger their ragefulresponse. Listen, folks, I am
not a share I tell you guysthis. You know a little bit about
me, those of you that havelistened to my podcast I've been on for
a couple of years now. Iwas a cop in Chicago, Okay,
I mean I was. I patrolledsome of the meanest streets in Chicago,
the meanest and none of the timethat I worked in Chicago on some of

(31:03):
the baddest streets. Did I everhave any anxiety? Did I ever walk
around on eggshells? And I putsome people in prison. Never did I
have constant stress or constant anxiety untilI was in a relationship with this person.
That's when it started. That's whenI became so anxious because I'm walking

(31:23):
around and I'm wanting, Okay,did I do this right? You know?
I mean even at work, Iwould come home and try to share
something that happened and it might involvea female or coworker, and oh my
gosh, I get the third degreeabout who is this person and does she
like you? And you know,and I did not even want my ex

(31:45):
to even come to my job becauseshe would start that kind of mess.
Well, such and such looked atme. Strangely, what they just looked
at you. It's that kind ofanxiety that you have to deal with.
And the narcissists they can't really,so they'll again, this is their behavior.
They'll turn it around on you andsay, oh, you're not being
supportive of me. So I'm supposedsupposed to support you in your mess.

(32:09):
No, that's not what goes onin relationship. In a good relationship,
I'm supposed to point out your messso that you can change it. Because
that's not logical, that's not acceptablebehavior. Folks, Chronic anxiety can affect
both your physical and mental health.You may find that you're jumpy all the
time and that you overreact when somethingdoes happen. It can cause you to

(32:31):
lose sleep, and the higher levelof stress can cause physical damage to your
body that will shorten your life.I'm telling you people, a narcissist will
can cause so much damage in yourlife, more than just mental, more
than just walking on eggshells. Theycan actually shorten your life if you are

(32:52):
in a relationship with them. I'llsay this again, you have got to
get out. You must leave.You must divorce them, you must break
up with them. If they areyour friend, unfriend them. You've got
to get away from them. Letme take a break and just remind you
guys to check out my website atwww dot Jadenmiller dot com. Please like,

(33:13):
share, and subscribe on my YouTubechannel, and like, comment and
follow on your favorite podcast platform.Again. You can find me on all
of the podcast platforms including Spotify,speaker cast, Box, ihop, I'm
sorry, all right, Heart Radio, Apple Podcast, and so many more.
All right, let me get backto this again. All right,

(33:35):
fatigue, All right, so we'retalking about the seven lasting effects of narcissistic
abuse. Okay, Number three isfatigue. Living with chronic anxiety and walking
around on eggshells all the time isexhausting and can lead to chronic fatigue.
You may find you feel too tiredto do any of the things you previously

(33:57):
enjoy doing. The narcissist loves thatbecause she wants you focused solely on her.
Losing out on the things you lovein life just causes more depression and
fatigue. Folks, I used to, oh gosh when I worked at a
school. I was an assistant principalat this one particular school, but before
that, before I even became assistantprincipal, and I was a teacher at

(34:20):
the school, I would love togo and see my students play volleyball,
or play basketball, or play football. Those were things I enjoyed doing.
Okay, Well, my narcissist Xwould get so bent out of shape because
I wanted to stay after school,okay, and see my students play a

(34:43):
game and not run home so Ican sit underneath her all day all evening.
She would get upset. Get upsetbecause I want to see students achieve,
not just academically, but athletically aswell. But I couldn't do that,
okay, So the things that Ipreviously see enjoyed doing couldn't do them
anymore, okay, because again nowI'm anxious, all right, I'm anxious,

(35:08):
I'm fatigued, okay, and allof these different things. So now
I just I just want to comehome. And oftentimes I just wanted peace,
and oftentimes when I got home,I couldn't even have peace. Next
number four, sleep disruption. Livingwith chronic anxiety, constant fatigue, and

(35:28):
low self esteem can cause you tolose the sleep you need to stay healthy
and feel good. This can takethe form of being unable to sleep,
or it might involve nightmares. Ineither case, it's detrimental to both your
physical and mental health. Folks,again, oftentimes we choose a mate because
of how they look and what theyhave. The wrong reasons to choose anybody.

(35:52):
Okay, she looks good or helooks good, or he has money,
or she has potential, or hehas a great job or he drives
a nice car. Those are thewrong reasons to get into a relationship with
anybody. And for those of youthat may be younger than our that are
listening, I hope this is alesson that you will learn earlier in life.

(36:14):
Okay, physical beauty is skin deep. Okay, you need to be
focused on that person's mind and theiractions. Okay. How do they treat
you? How do they treat otherpeople? Okay? What are their goals
in life? Do they have anyhumanitarian causes that they're interested in? Okay?

(36:34):
How do they treat their parents andtheir siblings? How do they treat
their friends? Those are things thatyou need to start looking at. What
is their IQ level? And whenI say IQ level, not just their
academic prowess, but I'm talking aboutthis. What about their social emotional How
do they treat people in public?When you go to a restaurant, how

(36:57):
do they treat the waitress or thewaiter? If they go to a store,
how are they treating the clerks?You know, it's all about that
kind of stuff, and narcissists canbe real ugly when it comes to dealing
with people like that. But again, I want you guys to remember,
don't choose anyone just because they lookgood. And even at my age,

(37:20):
that's an issue that I've had todeal with as well, because who doesn't
want someone beautiful on their arm.Who doesn't want someone handsome on their arm?
Who doesn't Who doesn't want someone thatreally appeals to us physically? We
want that. I'm just saying thatthat can't be the only thing, because
you'll find yourself in a relationship withsomeone that looks good but it's ugly inside.

(37:45):
Don't do it. Listen to me, all right? Number five panic
attacks. It's not at all uncommonfor people living with narcissists to suffer panic
attacks. The constant undermining of yourself esteem, feeling anxious all the time
and trying so hard to please someonewho can't be pleased can lead you to
feel panicked about every move you make. Panic attack can also feel like you're

(38:08):
having a heart attack. You mightfeel chest pain and be unable to breathe
properly. You might even have togo to the hospital. This is just
another very damaging result of your wife'snarcissistist narcissistic behavior or and again not just
your wife. It can be ahusband, It can be a best friend,
it can be a friend, itcan be someone in you're in a

(38:29):
relationship with this, you're in arelationship with Sorry, all right, So
again, I remember having pains inmy back, in my shoulders, sometimes
having headaches when I never did before. All of that is a result of
this behavior because it didn't happen prior. It didn't happen prior, and it

(38:52):
hasn't happened since my ex got outof my house. Okay it hasn't.
I am in such a better statephysically mentally because I got rid of the
narcissist. And again, you haveto you cannot stay in that relationship.
You've got it for your own mentalfor your own longevity. You cannot stay

(39:15):
in a relationship with someone like that. You can't. Number six irrational behavior.
It's not surprising that you might sometimesact irrationally after being treated in such
an abusive way. The narcissistic abuseyou're in doing at the hands of your
wife or girlfriend or boyfriend or friendcan make you doubt yourself and feel like

(39:35):
you're losing your mind. It canalso make you react in a way that
doesn't make sense. It's all partof the pattern of abuse. And so
what we mean by irrational behavior isthis so you know that whoever it is,
and in my case, my exwife, you know she's ready to
get started on something because you cansense it. Now you've been in a
relationship with this person for a while, now you know, okay, because

(40:00):
there's a little there's little tell talesigns. But also you can feel it
in your spirit. You can feelit in your soul. Okay, there's
this voice that's telling you, uhoh, it's getting ready to start.
You can tell by the expression.I could always tell by the expression on
her face or the way that she'sgetting ready to talk. Okay, I

(40:21):
knew it was about to happen.Okay. And so then what you become
is defensive. All right, Youbecome defensive because what else can you be
when someone is coming at you?You become defensive. But what the narcissists
will do is they will spin thataround and then make it seem as though
you're the aggressor. They will startthings and then get on you because of

(40:44):
your reaction to them. Well,if you call me a liar, how
do you expect me to respond?So in my case, I'm was supposed
to respond in a loving way,you know, and you shouldn't raise your
voice. And why I'm like,excuse me, you just call me a
liar. I am a human being. I am upset, I am angry.

(41:05):
Okay. Yelling is the word.Yell is a part of the English
language. Okay, it's part ofour emotions. Okay. So sometimes,
and I'm not saying that we shouldyell at people arbitrarely. What I'm saying
is is that when there's a negativeaction, sometimes there's gonna be a negative
reaction. Okay. So if youdon't start none, there won't be none.

(41:27):
It's very simple, and that comesfrom the South Side of Chicago.
Don't start none, there won't benone, okay. And that's the thing.
If there's a problem in a relationship, what we do as mature couples
is we sit down and we havea conversation about it. If there is
something that's bothering you, you bringit to my attention, okay, in
the proper way, and we willsit and we will discuss it. But

(41:50):
when you accuse me without facts,when you accuse and you lie and you
come up with other stuff, orif I'm having a conversation with you about
something positive or something that's mundane anddoesn't mean anything, and then for you
to bring up something to cause meto lose my joy and to cause me

(42:12):
to not want to talk to you. That's a problem that is not on
me. That is not on me. Number seven is loss of joy.
That brings me right into that.This is the ultimate and the damage that
narcissistic abuse can do. You canfind that you just can't ever seem to
be happy anymore. I remember atmy old place of employment, there was

(42:36):
a lady that came to me andtold me, she said, you know
what, you used to have thisgreat smile on your face, and now
you don't anymore. And I'm like, yep, that's because of the crap
that I deal with at home.That's a big red flag that you need
to make some changes when you havelost your joy. And I lost it,

(42:59):
folks, I lost my joy.I did lost it. Really,
the only place I liked to beis I liked being at work and somewhere
other than home when she was here. It's just the truth. I hated
to be home when she was herebecause I knew that always there was the

(43:21):
tendency for something to get started.Always it was always something she did.
It's constant criticism and even if youmake a mistake, if you make a
mistake, you never hear the endof it. But if she makes mistakes,
whether it be in her past orin the present, she is not
all. She will not she can. You cannot hold her accountable, okay,

(43:45):
because she can't be held accountable becauseyour mistakes are worse than her mistakes.
So if she does something and youbring it up, it's pushed under
the rug. And if you bringsomething to her attention and the way that
you've discussed that we would do so, she'll minimize it because it's not that
important to her, Okay, What'simportant is how you treated her. So

(44:10):
men, young men, middle agedmen, older men, people that are
married, people that are in relationships, if you're in a same sex relationship,
if you are a woman married toa man, or a woman in
a relationship with a man, itdoes not matter what it is. If
you are in a relationship with thistype of individual, they are abusers and

(44:37):
you need to get out of thatrelationship. See a marriage or a relationship
of any kind, it's supposed toinvolve two people, depending on a relationship,
who love and shares one another.They are supposed to support each other
and help each other through life's changesand challenges. A narcissistic wife or girlfriend

(44:57):
or husband or boyfriend or whomever.It's been really capable of doing anything for
anyone else other than themselves. Asa victim of abuse, you can suffer
long lasting damage to your physical andmental health. Okay, you can.
But these are just seven effects thatI'm talking about. There are many more.

(45:21):
Taken together, they constitute what's calledas narcissistic victim syndrome. And sometimes
you need to seek help so thatyou can get the joy back in your
life. And I'm gonna tell youagain the first step, the first step
is to remove yourself from the presenceof a narcissistic abuser. And that's what

(45:44):
they are. Let's call them whatthey are. They are abusers. They
are narcissistic abusers. Regardless, awoman can be a narcissistic abuser of men.
You do not have to stay inthat relationship. I know how that
is. You want to be theprotector and the provider, you are the
alpha male and all of that kindof stuff, but you're also going to

(46:06):
have a short life living with thisidiot. You cannot stay with them.
Okay. There are so many othermen and women and friendships in the world,
people that are not narcissist, peoplethat will be supportive of you and
will love you and will cherish youand not try to reign over you and
control you. That is not whatyou need in your life. You don't,

(46:30):
You absolutely do not, all right, So really quickly, I also
want to talk a little bit beforeI get ready to close. Is what
you need to do in order toget some support, all right, because
you need to heal from this,and this is something that I am doing
as well. I am healing,Okay, I am healing. Yes,

(46:54):
I have a good cadre of friendsand relatives, all right. Going to
get therapy or counseling is not somethingthat I personally need. What I need
was the companionship of my friends andmy family, okay, because in my

(47:15):
former relationship, they were all drivenaway from me. Because again, when
you're in a narcissistic relationship, thatone person is supposed to be the center
her Okay. So my relationships withmy relatives dwindled, and my relationship with
my closest friends in the world werenon existent because she made me get rid

(47:38):
of them. Okay, Yes,in order to continue to be in a
relationship and not have to have tofight every day about it, I mean
I recall you know, my friendships, you know, and mentioning them at
the very beginning of our relationship,and she held that over me till the
very end of our relationship. Imean, there were men friends that I

(48:00):
had that I was going to nowand starting to talk to because again,
you know, she had cut meoff from people. So now towards the
end of the relationship, I'm startingto talk to them again, and they're
starting to share advice with me,and oh my god, she did not
like that because she was not theshare of advice. And in fact,
in one situation, went on Facebookto find the phone number to one of

(48:22):
my friends and called him without hispermission. He's a married man with the
wife, so she could let himknow that she was disturbed by him giving
me advice. That is narcissistic behavior. And when I pointed that out to
her, she justified that did nottake any responsibility for that at all.

(48:43):
None. But luckily I've got allthose relationships in those friendships back. I
had to go around and apologize toa number of people I did for now
cutting them off so that this womancould be the center of my life.
And that's not to say she shouldn'thave been. What I'm saying is that

(49:05):
you can be the center, butthen also there's branches on a tree.
Okay. Yes, there's the trunk, which can be the center, all
right, which pulls up all thenutrients out of the ground. Yes,
but there are also branches, okay, and those branches need to be fed.
But they also play an integral partin how that tree lives as well,

(49:29):
and so to cut them off sothat only the trunk gets all of
the attention, gets all of thenutrients, is certainly not the way that
nature intended. So if you're oneof those people that needs to get professional
support, then I say that youshould reach out to a mental health professional

(49:51):
because that can be a first stepfor you. My mental health professionals are
my aunt's, you know. Andmy female friends that will tell me the
truths, that will let me knowthat are true friends and don't sugarcoat things,
and they'll let me know when I'mright, and they'll let me know
when I'm wrong. My male friendsthat stick with me but also will tell

(50:15):
me and say, hey, dude, that's not right. You know you
need to fix that. That's whatI needed in my life. So if
you need someone that can help youidentify the covert abusive behaviors of the narcissistic
person. Then you need to getthat. You need to develop coping skills

(50:37):
to manage this individual if you aresteal in a relationship with them. You
need to treat symptoms of depression,post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, or
other mental health conditions that have comeupon you because of the actions of this
demon. You need to challenge negativeself talk, and you need to set

(50:57):
goals for the future. I justtalk about this one a little bit.
Maintaining healthy relationships. One of themost common effects of narcissistic abuse may be
feeling lonely or having a sense ofworthlessness. And that's what happened to me.
I felt lonely. I felt alone. I didn't have anybody. She
had driven them all away. Icouldn't talk to anyone else about it,

(51:21):
So now I'm alone. She maintainsall of her friendships. And see,
the thing also is that she wantsme to be friends with her circle,
her people, because those people haveher back, you know, So now
I have no one. She gotrid of them, but she was able
to maintain all of her friendships,all of her relationships. So I may
have had a friend, you knowthat I and actually maybe not even a

(51:45):
friend, maybe more so of anassociate or someone I had a few conversations
with. Okay, I had tocut them off, But then she was
able to keep in contact with menthat dated her in the past. Asked
because, and this was the excuse, Well, she wants to know what
they're doing, you know, andshe needs to know if they're still contacting

(52:07):
her, you know, if youknow why they are. And you know
one guy, you know, Imean we're married, and he's still sending
her little roses and stuff, youknow, through through messages. But see,
that was acceptable. But I tellyou if one of my friends,
and actually this did happen, oneof my friends sent me stuff on Instagram,

(52:28):
and she would be hostile. Hostileagain, folks, you cannot be
in a relationship with this kind ofperson. You cannot. So maintain healthy
relationships, cultivate those relationships that canhelp you heal from the hurt the abusive

(52:49):
relationship caused you. You should joina support group, and that can be
any kind of group where there arepeople that are supportive of you, people
that are not judging you. SometimesThey can be people that are recovering from
abusive relationships. It could be agroup of men or a group of women,
and you all go to the moviesevery Saturday, or you guys go

(53:10):
for a walk every Tuesday, orwhatever it is. Something like that can
be very, very helpful for you. You need to practice self care,
all right. Try to allow yourselfto experience your emotions, which is what
I've had to go through because Ifelt that I felt guilt, confusion,

(53:31):
regret, grief, sadness, anger, and all of my feelings are valid
and so are yours. The narcissistswill tell you that your feelings are not
valid, and that's what happened.Even in my relationship. If I couldn't
feel guilt, I couldn't feel sadness, I'm sorry, I couldn't feel anger.
Okay, I could be sad.I was sad all the time,

(53:53):
but I couldn't. I couldn't allof those things. I couldn't. I
could feel guilt because you would guilttripped me. Okay, I was confused
all the time. I had tonsof regret, lots of grief, lots
of sadness. And then there aretimes where I would have some anger.
But now afterwards, I still Ifeel guilty that I allowed this person in

(54:16):
my life. I feel guilty thatI didn't see the signs. And there
were many of them before we gotmarried. There were a ton of them.
There was the anger, there wasthe physical abuse, there was the
destroying of things. Yes, whenI was confused, I should have listened
to that small voice that we hearwhen there was regret. I should have

(54:38):
done something about it so much earlier. When there was grief and sadness.
I should have been able to reachout to people and I couldn't. And
when there was anger, I hadthe channel it in another direction when I
should have been able to express thatyour feelings people are valid and you need
to have them. Don't let anyonetell you you can't have them. So

(55:00):
practice self care, maybe yoga ordance lessons or sessions art therapy. I'm
a photographer, so that's where Ifind where I can practice my self care.
And let me share this with youguys too. You know I would
take my ex with me on photographysessions. Okay, and board what a

(55:21):
mistake that was because I was notable to be myself. Now, I
want you all to think about itwith Jada Miller, and you can also
tell me what you think, allright. But I was on a photography
session. This happened last November,okay, And I'm photographing the bride and
her friends as they are coming upto a particular place at the reception.

(55:45):
And so one of them, oneof her friends, meets up with the
bride and the friend sticks her tongueout towards the camera and does something else
that's silly with the bride. Sonow my job as a photographer is to
do what folks, it is tocapture images. It is to capture the

(56:07):
wonderful moments that are happening for thislovely couple. Okay, This woman whoever
she was, was just having funwith the bride. Let me tell you
my ex came up to me atthe wedding and made me a guilt tripped
to me to make it seem asthough I got that person. How do

(56:29):
I have control of another person?Now, as a narcissist, you can
control people. But at a wedding, okay, and I'm the photographer and
someone comes in front of my camerawith the bride to do stuff, how
do I have control over them?How did I know she was going to
stick out her tongue? How didI know she was going to do these
other things? But my ex guilttripped me and made it seem as though

(56:51):
I'm the one that got that personto do those things, and that I
forget the word that she used forit. Maybe it'll come to me in
a couple of seconds or so.But made it seem that I was the
one causing her to be sexually suggestive. And I'm like, excuse me,
I'm the photographer. I have noidea what this So now for the rest

(57:12):
of the freaking wedding, my jobis to photograph and make people feel good
about themselves. Now, now whatis it? Now I'm feeling guilty.
Okay, for what reason? Idid nothing wrong? Now I'm feeling guilty.
Now I'm walking on eggshells. Okay, that's what I'm talking about.

(57:38):
Folks. You can't be in arelationship with this person. So all my
attention is supposed to be on myex at a wedding that I'm being paid
for. When my attention is supposedto be on capturing images. I am
working, Okay, I'm a workingI'm sorry. I don't have time to

(57:58):
be focused on you at the moment. These people are paying me to do
a job. But the only thingshe could see is this woman, you
know, making the sticking out hertongue, you know, and making it
seem as though, oh, wellshe's you know, like like she's coming
on to me, is what itwas. And I'm like, that lady

(58:19):
does not know who the heck Iam. I'm she's doing it because there's
a camera in front of her face. Again, is that type of behavior.
That's the kind of person I wasdealing with? And so I'm the
ride home it was hell because nowhere's the guilt tripping. Well I wasn't
going to bring this up, butyou know, and I'm like, see,

(58:39):
and so now I'm trying to explainI'm at a wedding. You know,
I'm not. I'm not trying toYou're my wife. I'm happy to
be here with you. I'm happythat you're helping me, okay, but
I'm not responsible for how someone elseacts when I'm taking photos. Gosh,

(59:00):
folks, there is so much more. And let me tell you, healing
is a continuous process. Okay,So what I want you to do if
you've been I mean just again.You know, if you've been in a
relationship like that, you've got toheal. Okay, So I mentioned art
therapy. Photography is mine. Sonow when I go on photography sessions,

(59:21):
I go alone and I'd have myjoy back again. I can actually tell
a bride or the bride's maids,you look beautiful, instead of wondering what
my wife's standing across the room isgonna say. You know, because I
told someone else at their wedding thatthey look beautiful in their dress. Journaling
is another way listening and dancing tomusic. I used to love to listen

(59:44):
to music. That all went away, So now I do that and I'm
using positive affirmations and so again,folks, I just want to share with
you some of my experiences, experiencesdealing with the narcissist. I'm seeing that
on so many Instagram videos and TikTokvideos. There are so many people warning

(01:00:05):
you of what to look for innarcissistic relationships. And this is the thing.
It's not I'm not listening to justmen. There are women coming on
telling men what to look for inwomen that are narcissists. So it's not
a sexist thing. It's not aman against women thing. There are women
that are saying, listen, Ihave suffered this abuse, but also there

(01:00:30):
are men that have suffered this abuseand men. When you're dealing with women
that are narcissists, you've got tohave some strategies if you aren't gonna stay
in a relationship, and if you'renot gonna stay in a relationship, you
need to high tail it out ofthere, get a divorce. Like that
man in a TikTok video that Isaw the other day, he said,

(01:00:50):
you know what, I left mysix six figure job at the loss of
my reputation because my ex went aroundtalking wrap about me. He said,
I am still better off being bymyself than being in a relationship with this
bullying, backstabbing, betraying demon.You don't want to be in a relationship

(01:01:15):
with that kind of person, allright, So again, listen to my
podcast from a couple of weeks ago. It really gets into the MPD,
the narcissistic personality disorder. If youare suffering from this kind of abuse,
folks, seek some help from yourfriends, from your family, if you

(01:01:35):
still have them, if they haven'tcut you off from them, If you
need to go seek counseling. Doso. But whatever you do, plan
your exit strategy. If you arestill in a relationship, plan your exit
strategy to get out. And ifyou are just beginning a relationship again check
out my podcast from a couple ofweeks ago. This one has some good

(01:01:58):
information in it as well. Knowthe signs go on TikTok, listen to
those people talk about narcissistic abusers andfor whatever you need to do, do
not watch for the signs. Andif this is not the relationship for you,
then you need to get out,be honest and tell them. Listen.
You know, I can't be ina relationship where I'm walking on eggshells,

(01:02:22):
where I can't be myself, whereI feel as that, where I
feel as though you have to bethe center of my attention at all times,
and I can't have a friend ora family member. No, I'm
sorry. I've got to walk awayfrom this and hopefully that narcissist will start
to find ways to change their behavior. All right. Once more, Please

(01:02:42):
check out my website at www dotJayden Miller dot com. Please like,
share, and subscribe on my YouTubechannel, and like, comment and follow
on your favorite podcast platform. Youknow I have some good friends that also
have a podcast, man Space.Go check them out. They're on Spotify
just like me and Apple Podcast andSprinker. You can find them on YouTube.

(01:03:07):
There are on so many podcast platformstoo. Man Space Podcast. I
love those guys, so I justwant to make sure that I give a
shout out to them. So again, I'm gonna get ready to end this
episode. You guys have a wonderfulweek. I'll be back again soon.
Thank you so much for listening,and please, folks, take care of
yourself. Have a great day.