June 2, 2025 • 45 mins
Jayden shares his process of healing from an emotionally abusive relationship with a covert narcissist to help others recognize the signs. He shares the pitfalls and ways to overcome them, helping you free yourself from these abusers. You don't have to remain their victim.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to Think About It with your host, Jadenmiller.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Good day, Good day, and welcome to Think About It
with Jaden Miller. Please like, share, and subscribe on my
YouTube channel and the like, comment, and follow on your
favorite podcast platform. You can find me on Spotify, Apple,
podcast Speaker, iHeartRadio, and a whole bunch of other ones
(00:32):
as well. Don't forget to check out my website at
www dot Jadenmiller dot com. Well, I hope that you
all are doing well. This is my first time back
on the podcast waves in a little while. It's been
a busy year twenty twenty five so far. And I know,
(00:52):
way back in January I promise to do these a
lot more frequently, and yes, I unfortunately broke my promise.
But it is now summertime here in Arizona. School is
out and it's time for fun. Well anyway, there's a
whole lot going on in the world. Today is Monday,
(01:17):
June the second, twenty twenty five, and my Chicago Cubs
are first in the National League. This is the first
time they've had a great start since twenty sixteen when
they won the World Series that year. So some of
these players that they have are phenomenal. They've got this
(01:37):
peacro armstrong guy that is just killing it, and Kyle
Tucker and Matt Shaw and a whole host of other
guys that are really really bringing Chicago back to the top.
So it is so much fun watching the Chicago Cubs.
What a fun team. Just like back in twenty sixteen, yesterday,
(01:59):
Sun Day, June first, there was an attack in Colorado,
Boulder attack. There was a Boulder attack, Boulder, Colorado, meaning
an attack on Pearl Street, a street that I've walked
down and been on so many times when I've gotten
to Boulder, Colorado, and as some of you are may know,
I used to live in Colorado, still own a house
(02:20):
in Colorado.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
But there was this.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Attack on some people that were just hanging out in
Pearl Street. The man that is suspected of throwing molotov
cocktails in an act of terrorism during a pro Israel
demonstration in Boulder, Colorado, injuring twelve people, has been charged
(02:49):
with a federal hate crime and state charges, including sixteen
counts of attempted first degree murder. According to court documents,
the suspect, forty five year old Mohammed's Solomon, told investigators
he researched on YouTube how to make Molotov cocktails, purchased
the ingredients to do so, and constructed them. According to
(03:12):
federal documents, Solomon took a concealed carry class to learn
how to fire a gun. I'm glad that he wasn't
able to use a gun doing this, but had to
use Molotov cocktails after he was denied the purchase of
a gun due to him not being a legal citizen.
According to state documents, Solomon, who allegedly disguised himself as
(03:34):
a gardener doing the attack, allegedly told police he wanted
to kill all Zionist people and wished they were all dead.
Federal documents hey Solomon stated he would do it again.
He said this had nothing to do with the Jewish
community and was specific in Desionist group supporting the killings
of people on his land, which happens to be Palestine.
(03:58):
This Solomon person is husband and father of five, and
he allegedly said he had been planning Sunday afternoon's attack
for one year, but waited waited until his daughter graduated
from high school last Thursday to carry it out. To
carry it out, wow, waited until his daughter graduated from
(04:19):
high school. I just I'm wondering what thoughts are going
through her mind. He said no one knew about his
plans and he expected to die during the attack. He
appeared at his first date court hearing from the Boulder
County Jail this afternoon today, this afternoon, during which the
judge kept his bond at ten million dollars. He acknowledged
(04:41):
that he had received and understood a protection order borrowing
him from contacting the victims. He is due back in
court on Thursday for the filing of state charges. Imagine
those people that were out on a Sunday afternoon, really
just enjoying them themselves, and this gentleman h sets them
(05:07):
on fire. Really ridiculous. And again, as I've mentioned, I've
been to Boat of Colorado more times than any of
you all can count. I've been on Pearl Street where
this happened, many many times as a photographer. I've taken
photos there and and have eaten there on Pearl Street
and just had enjoyable times on Pearl Street. So it's
(05:30):
really shocking in such a really really family centered, nice
place that this type of incident would occur. So but anyway,
that's the state of our world. Donald Trump is still
Donald Trump. His his terroriffs are still rocking the world.
(05:54):
I now hear that they've called him a taco. Whatever
that means, Well, we all know what it means. But uh,
he doesn't like that, and so he's been very upset
at people that have been calling him, uh a taco
in regards to his.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
In regards to his.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Failing at keeping his word on on uh on the
Texas and the tariffs. So but anyway, Uh, he got
really really mad last week when someone called him what
called him a taco, so uh, and it simply means
Trump Trump always chickens out.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
So he he didn't.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Really care for that, and got really upset with the
reporter that called him that the other day, mainly because
he didn't know what it meant until after she had
asked him a question about.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
His taco trade.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
So yeah, he got upset with her and said that
you ask a nasty question like that. It's not a
nasty question, it's a legitimate question. He just didn't like
the question. It's not a nasty one. She asked a
legitimate question. It's not her fault that he didn't know
that people were calling them taco Trump always chickens out
(07:13):
is what it means though, So but anyway, Donald Trump
is still Donald Trump. America is still in some ways divisive, unfortunately,
and so we continue to go on.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
School is out, School is out.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
It was a really great year, a really great academic year.
So many students have moved on to different grades. Some
have graduated from high school, and a number of them
have graduated from eighth grade and going to high school,
and some have simply promoted from seventh grade to eighth grade,
(07:53):
and so really really happy to see these young people
can to move forward in their lives. What am I
going to talk about today? So it is sometimes really
difficult for me to come up with topics to discuss.
I'm really busy, which is not a legitimate excuse, but
(08:17):
I am pretty busy. I'm working on a PhD, and
the classes get progressively more intense, and so a lot
of my time is spent making sure that I'm getting
and providing the right information. As a photographer, I am
pretty busy. On weekends, I have photo session, some weddings
and a lot of family and Senior citizen, I'm sorry,
(08:41):
senior citizen, Senior citizen, Senior photos seniors in high school
senior photos that I do and have been doing consistently
since January and February. So sometimes I just don't know.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
What to talk about.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
I want to find something that's going to be enlightening
and something that's going to be interesting, and I'm a
really boring person, I think, so sometimes it's really difficult
for me to come up with topics because I just
don't know what to say, and sometimes I don't want
to say the wrong things because you never know who's listening.
(09:19):
But then also I feel the need to say what's
on my mind. And so today I decided that I
wanted to talk about me, but a specific thing with me,
and it really boils down to my healing process. At
(09:39):
one time in my life, it would not have been
easy for me to talk about being the victim of abuse,
and as a man, it's really really difficult for us
to talk about when we have been victims. But as
a teacher, as a former law enforcement officer official, I
(10:04):
think it's important that I specifically be able to share
my experiences because my hope is that people will learn
from them and recognize certain qualities and people and avoid them.
During the year of course, I see lots and lots
(10:24):
of relationships, mainly the seventh and eighth grade relationships, and
I see so many signs in certain individuals, especially how
they treat other individuals. I've seen many boys get upset
(10:46):
cry over how they've been treated by a girl. I've
seen many girls cry and be upset about how they
were treated by some boy, and as I listen to them,
because often times many people will come and share with me.
Many of my students will come and share with me,
you know, their relationship issues, and I generally listen unless
(11:09):
I'm asked for some advice, and then I'll share some
with them. But quite often I see signs of abuse
in the offender. And while you don't want to really
call a twelve or thirteen or fourteen year old an
(11:30):
abuser or an offender, it does start somewhere, and quite
often it starts when people are young, and because those
those qualities are not checked, or because another young person
does not know how to check those qualities or don't
(11:52):
know what those qualities are. Sometimes you know those behaviors,
specifically narcissistic behaviors, emotional abuse. They grow in an individual
that is the offender and the victim unaware of this
allows certain behaviors to happen, and so I try to
(12:16):
share some of my experiences because my hope is that
I can help you avoid some of the things that
I actually went through. So just a really quick recap
because those of you that have listened to my podcast
before have heard me talk about the fact that I
(12:38):
was in a relationship with the narcissistic abuser, a female,
a woman. Yes, women can be abusers. Yes, women can
be narcissist. Yes, women can be emotionally abusive to men.
So let's get that straight from the very beginning. Now,
my talk today is one and while I share my experiences,
(13:01):
that does not mean that it is only for men,
because I don't want any girls, females, women, young ladies
to be victims of narcissistic abuse either. So I share
my story in the hopes that you will learn from
it and that you will avoid those individuals that can
(13:24):
change your life for the negative. So yes, so yes,
I met a person who I did not know was
a narcissistic abuser until later on. I married this individual,
and the signs were there, But as it is usually
(13:46):
with a narcissist, specifically a covert narcissist. Because the person
that I married was a covert narcissist. You're unaware the
signs were there, but I ignored them, okay, quite often, just
like I see young ladies today that ignore some of
the behaviors from the boys that they are dating or
(14:09):
like or whatever, and then they end up getting hurt
because you ignore certain things. Your mind is telling you
wait a minute, but yet your heart is telling you,
but give them a chance.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
And it's not that way.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Oh yes, it is. It is that way. It is
that way. So I married somebody who at the time
I did not know, but how I found out later,
who was not in a good family relationship.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
For mother.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Was not in a good place, and her father had
left and had started a totally different family, and so
she had a lot of childhood issues that grew into
her adulthood again because they were never or checked. No
one checked them, they were afraid to check them, or
(15:04):
she hid them so well that no one could check them.
And it wasn't until I was able to get back
in my right mind that I was able to finally say, oh, no,
you have got to go. So today I'm going to
(15:25):
just share with you my journey to healing, and some
things that you can do to avoid getting yourself into
a relationship that may not be very healthy for you.
All right, So, first of all, the question needs to
be asked, what is a covert narcissist. A covert narcissist
(15:49):
is an individual who use this passive aggressiveness. For example,
they might use sarcasm, disregard your feelings by keeping your
needs low prior, or give you the silent treatment. When
they're upset, they play the victim. This is one of
the ones that I had to deal with very often.
A covert narcissists often frames themselves as misunderstood and rarely
(16:14):
will take accountability for anything. This is the person that
I dealt with. This was my ex wife. She never
ever took accountability for anything. She always played the victim.
It was always my fault.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
Gas Lighting is another sign.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
They might casually question your memories, opinions, and interest, letting
the doubts slowly creep in. Yes, gaslighting making you think
things are a certain way when they are absolutely not
that way. Withholding affection and subtle criticism, they might disguise
criticism as concern or advice to undermine your confidence. So
(16:57):
these are a lot of the signs that I came
to find out once I got involved in the relationship.
And so, yeah, it was difficult the insecurities. Were there
anybody that is so insecure in themselves that is a
(17:20):
relationship you should not be involved in. And the thing
about it was was that there was no need to
be insecure. She was an attractive person. And what I
mean by that is physically she was very attractive. There
was no need for her to be insecure, but she was.
She was the type of individual that was so insecure
(17:42):
that she, in a covert manner, went out of her
way to dissolve many of my relationships, many of my friendships,
because she insisted that she the sole person that I
focused on. So friendships that I had had for forty years,
(18:09):
she really manipulated and tried to get rid of them.
With family members, my own children, she tried to find.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
A way to divide us.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
But when it came to her own family, it was different,
you know, except for you know, some some relationships she
she didn't try to keep me from them, she kept
herself from them. But that was just part of her
her whole insecure self, you know, And as a result
(18:43):
of her inadequacies and insecurities and and and other you know,
trauma that she had dealt with as a child and
maybe as a young adult, and all of that. She
now took those out on me. And being a man
and being kind hearted. Uh, you know, I often overlooked
(19:09):
certain things.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
You know.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
There are many times, you know, before we got married
that that I knew that this was not the relationship.
You know that there were there were certain signs, you know.
I recall one time I was at work and she
called me and was so upset because I didn't answer
my phone call at a certain time.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
And that was another thing.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
If you if I didn't respond quick enough for her,
she'd be upset.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
You know.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
It's that those kinds of relationships, those kinds of individuals
you need to avoid, okay. Uh, someone that is so
self absorbed, so dependent and to the point where you
can't make a move. Uh, that's somebody you ought not
be involved with. So I had to heal from this
(20:03):
covert narcissistic relationship. At a certain point, it was I
was just done and the type of person that I am,
I give so many chances, and I didn't want the relationship,
and I wanted it to work, but I got tired
of being blamed for everything or every little I mean,
(20:24):
it was like walking on eggshells every little move I made.
It was always question. If I spent a dollar on me,
she'd be upset, but if I spent dollars on her
or her children, it was okay.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
It's that kind of abuse, you know, making your making
you feel less stand. So I had to prioritize my
self care. And the first thing was she had to
get the hell out of my house. Okay, it's my house.
And I needed to divorce her. Okay, it was time
to go. It was time for me to take back
(20:58):
control of myself. And the only way that I was
going to be able to do that was that relationship
had to end. There were many many signs at the
very tail end of the relationship, contacting friends of mine,
you know, because they had an opinion about our relationship,
(21:18):
and getting on their case about it, and then making
me look bad in front of her family and her friends.
And the top it all off, she claimed to be
a religious person, you know, so into the church, but
yet her actions prior to the divorce, and then her
(21:41):
actions afterwards, one of which is trying to continue to
divide me and one of my daughters, you know, by
being present and sharing things about me totally untrue or
at least from her perspective, to try to make me
look bad in front of my own daughter. That's horrible.
(22:03):
And the thing about it is is that she did
not have a relationship with her own father until I
helped get them back together again. But this is the
type of person she is. And so again I needed
to practice some self care and some self compassion because
I was going in the wrong direction and I was
(22:23):
not caring so much about myself anymore. And so that's
one of the things about healing. You have got to
prioritize self care and self compassion. You have to learn
to acknowledge and accept your feelings without judgment. I had
to learn to engage in activities that bring me joy
and promote a sense of well being. When I was
(22:46):
an assistant principal at a middle school, I used to
love to go and watch volleyball and my students prior
to me becoming assistant principal, would love for me to
come to their games. I could not go to a
game because she would be so insecure or I had
(23:06):
to go with her. She had to be invited. I
couldn't sit in the stands and just enjoy your game,
you know, watching my students play, because she had to
be there, and if I didn't invite her, she'd be upset,
and so I would feel guilty being there.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
I'm telling you, it was horrible.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
This the kind of psychological games a covert narcissist can play.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
On you in your mind.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
So I had to get back, and so I love softball.
So last year I coached vo voluntarily coach softball, but
then I also did soccer. I was head coach. So
I started getting back into activities that I had denied
myself because of her. The other thing I had to
do is I had to learn how to forgive myself.
(23:54):
I had to understand that I was the victim of manipulation,
and I had to understand that I was a victim
of manipulation and abuse is essential for healing.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
I had to understand that it.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Was not my fault, that I should not blame myself
for the situation. I was a victim of manipulation and abuse.
It's just that simple. Back during the divorce, which went.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
Very very quickly.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
I filed and there was no need for a lawyer
or anything like that. I handled it myself. I mean
I drove to the courthouse, I filed the papers. I
paid for it because I had to be done with
this individual, okay, and so I established no contact. So
anything that she gave me in our relationship, I put
(24:45):
it in a box and sent it back to her
wedding ring, sent it back to her. It notes that
she had written to me. Sent it back to her
because I did not want anything from this emotional abuser.
I did not want to be able to look back
on something or read something, because then I know it
was a lot would just make me upset. So I
gave her. I sent it all back to her. Didn't
(25:05):
want it. I didn't want your hand in marriage. I
didn't want your wedding ring.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Goodbye.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
I had to established firm boundaries so you know, she
cannot contact me. I blocked her on any and every
social media telephone that I could. I learned a whole
lot about narcissistic abuse after divorcing her. I did not
(25:31):
know a whole lot of what was going on in
the trauma that she was creating in my life until later,
and so I learned.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Quite a bit about her.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
But I also learned quite a bit about covert narcissism,
and then I learned a whole lot about me. So yes,
I had to rebuild my self esteem. I had to
focus on my strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities. I had
the child negative narratives that I internalized because of what
(26:04):
she had said and what she had told other people.
I had to reconnect with my values and passions. In
other words, I had to reconnect with my interest in
the pursuit of my goals to help me to regain
a sense of purpose and direction because I was going
in a direction that was not a good direction. I
had to build rebuild a supportive network. So those friends
(26:28):
that I had abandoned because she said, well, I should
be the only female in your life, and I had
to reconnect with them. I had to surround myself with
them again. I had to go back to them and
apologize to them forsaking them for this individual win. Many
of them warned me about her, and of course sometimes
(26:50):
when you're in love, you just ignore certain things. So
I had to understand that healing is a process. I
had to be patient with myself and understand that healing
takes time and that there may be periods of progress
and setbacks. But I never ever let myself contact her.
(27:14):
When I'm done, I am done. But sometimes the memories
would come back because there were some good times. They
weren't all bad. There was a lot of bad, but
they weren't all bad. And sometimes you have a tendency
to go back to the times that were good. And
there are times where I go places and those places
(27:37):
bring back memories. But I've learned to understand that those
are exactly what they were, memories. They don't represent the present,
and they certainly do not represent my future. So going back,
(27:57):
I did not really know what a narciss was until
I later really really got into some really deep diving
into the topic. A narcissist is, in the simplest sense,
a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration
of themselves. This definition alone does not even scratch the
(28:21):
surface of what someone with narcissistic personality disorder is and
the impact they have on people close to them.
Speaker 3 (28:29):
Most people don't.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Even realize they are getting into a relationship with the
narcist because they do not reveal their true selves initially,
which is how she was. They are skillfully manipulative, which
allows them to appear charming and loving. I was so
so charmed, Okay, I should have known, you know, really
early on that she was manipulative, especially when it came
(28:55):
to money. Wanting to get married very quickly, wanting to
move in with me very very quickly, those were some
tell tale signs. And you know there have been many
times that I broke up with her prior to getting married,
and you know, just allowed her back in which I
now know I should not have done. Narcissistic relationships are
(29:19):
emotionally abusive. They include put downs, accusations, criticism, gas lighting,
and threats. A narcissist end goal is always to have
an abundant supply of constant attention and admiration and will
do many things to maintain and build on it. So
with her is you know, like I mentioned, I couldn't
(29:41):
go to games at the school that I was at
I worked at, I couldn't have my female friends. Uh.
If I had to talk to an employee as their
supervisor and it was a female, she would ask who
that person is in? Is that person marrying? And does
(30:01):
that person like you, you know, just really childish, silly stuff,
you know that she would ask me, and so I
had to avoid coming home from work engaging in conversations
with her about work because if it dealt with the
female then I was going to be in trouble. So
it's that type of narcissistic abuse and of behaviors that
(30:22):
she exhibited. So yeah, it was really really difficult. It
was really really difficult dealing with this person. So I
had to learn something. A younger version of me believed
I could change people in a positive way. I thought
I could influence them into being better, stronger, happier versions
(30:44):
of themselves. I saw the best in her and I
fell in love with that potential. I hoped my habits
would rub off on her. But you cannot change in narcissists.
You can only be changed by their abuse. I learned
this lesson hard, and when I did, it never left.
So I no longer try to change anyone, friends, family members.
(31:07):
I see people for who they are and how they are,
and I don't expect them to behave differently than I am.
Shown if they are not respectful or if they don't
respect my boundaries, I no longer ask myself why are
they treating me this way? Instead I asked myself why
am I allowing this treatment? This was a huge shift
that changed the way I interacted with people, and it's
(31:27):
helped me so so much till this very day.
Speaker 3 (31:31):
So I had to learn how.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
To set boundaries and stick to them. Setting boundaries with
the narcissist is incredibly hard. Narcissists tend not to respect
boundaries or see them as a personal attack, which is
what she did. I had to learn to set boundaries
that enforced how I wanted to be treated, and then
hold the boundary when the line was crossed. This allowed
me to create enough space from the relationship so I
(31:53):
could start listening to myself and my knees again. With
no strong boundaries in place, I was consistently getting trampled
by the narcissist. You've got to have boundaries, and you've
got to stick to them. I had to learn who
I am again, and finally I have gotten to that
point where I do know who I am again because
(32:14):
it was not about me, it was about her all
the time. I had to learn how to listen to
myself again. I had to scrape myself up off the
floor and heal. I had to learn how to listen
to myself again. I had to learn how to ask
myself what I think before I speak. I also learned
how to stand my ground and not be shaken when
(32:34):
someone is trying to intimidate me, which is how she was.
I also had to learn how to ungaslight myself as
a narcissist. She tried to write my history. I had
to learn how to rewrite my history and to dedicate
myself to my own reality and the truth, which certainly
(32:56):
was not in her when it came to me. There
were so many transitions to getting to become a healthy
person again. And I am so glad that I've gotten
to the point now where I am healed, and that
(33:16):
I acknowledged the abuse, and that I ended the relationship.
As difficult as it was, I ended it. And I
am so happy that I because at one point, even
even when we were at the point of her moving out,
I mean, there was this one thought that came to
(33:38):
my mind and said try again.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
And I am so glad, so glad that.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
I did not, and that I continued to watch her
put all of her shit in a truck and drive
the hell off. That was the most rewarding day. It
was a day of freedom. It was a day that
the stars and the sky just opened up and the
(34:04):
sun came back out because it was a cloudy, cloudy
time in my life during that time.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
And so.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
I just learned to really get to know who I
am and I really learned how to love myself again
because she had taken so much away from me, you know, relationships,
my peace, financially not so much. But she tried, She
(34:36):
really did try. But luckily I had most of what
I already earned and owned prior to meeting her. But
she would have, because she's that kind of person. She
would have tried to get more money out of me.
She actually, you know, was able to get a little
bit out of me because you know, she threatened to
(34:58):
go to court and do something, and could have fought her,
but I just was like, you know, it's easier to
just let you have this because I'll get it back,
and there's karma, and karma will come back around, and
I just hope that it has. If it hasn't already,
we'll bite her nice, a nice chunk out of her
(35:20):
and so that she'll forever remember how ugly she treated me.
But yeah, so it is so good just to embrace
self compassion and to focus on my future. And now
it is so much brighter, you know. I just look
at today as opposed to then. I mean, so many
(35:41):
great things. I've met so many wonderful people since leaving her,
so many opportunities have come my way. Since leaving her,
I've been more of a happier person and have allowed
people to engage with me so much better than than
I did prior to her. I'm able to go places
(36:05):
and not have to feel like I'm doing something wrong,
and I'm able to date again, and it is so
so great to be healed, to finally get over somebody.
So I hope this has helped.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
Again.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
You know my experiences. My experience was really difficult, and
I have not really shared all of the difficult parts
of it. That's because I have chosen to move beyond them,
so I can share little pieces of how I was
treated and that kind of thing. I think most people
get the message. And you can certainly look up covert
(36:45):
narcissist or narcissism, or female narcissist or just narcissists in general,
because again, as I mentioned This is not only about
female narcissists. Men are narcissists as well, and I don't
want any females to be emotionally abused by this type
(37:05):
of behavior as well. We need to have relationships where
people are respectful, people understand boundaries. People want to help
others to be better, to be great, and not focus
all on themselves. You don't want someone that's totally insecure.
Speaker 3 (37:29):
That is not good.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
Someone that needs to go through your phone, or go
through your computer, or go through your messages. That is
not a that is not a good and trusting relationship.
Speaker 3 (37:39):
Now.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
I know sometimes people think that, oh, well, you know
my phone is open, and you know she can go
through my phone anytime she wants to know. That's that's
that's not that's not healthy Because if someone trusts you, okay,
they should not have to go through your belongings in
a way in which they're looking for something bad. Understand
(38:02):
what I'm saying. I'm not saying that it's wrong for
your spouse or your girlfriend to have access to your phone.
That's not what I'm saying. That's up to you. That's
your relationship. What I am saying is that if they
use the trust that you've given them to start looking
for things Okay that are negative. Okay, that's a problem.
(38:24):
That's a problem. And allowing someone to have access to
your private things should be something that is given, not
something that they demand from you, not something that they
require to be in a relationship. If someone comes to
me and says, well, in order for me to trust you,
I need to have access to your phone and you're
(38:45):
a computer and all that, then sorry, we don't need
to be in a relationship because first of all, that
should not be a priority to you.
Speaker 3 (38:51):
All right, If I'm in a.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
Relationship with you, then we need to develop that trust.
I don't have a problem with you looking through my phone,
but when you come at me that way, but I
need to see this or I only feel good if
I have access to it, then no, you've got a problem.
You have a problem because I'm not coming to you.
I don't need to see your computer and what's on
your computer. I don't need to see what's on your phone.
(39:13):
I don't need to answer your phone. I don't need
to do all of that. I don't need that. If
I'm in a solid relationship with someone, the keyword being solid,
there is no need for me to have to Okay,
I'm not gonna ask you for it, but if you
give me because you feel comfortable, you say, hey, this
(39:34):
is the password, the code to my phone, this is
the password to my computer, because I just want you
to have it.
Speaker 3 (39:43):
That's fine, that's good.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
I like that. That is a good, healthy relationship. But
when someone demands that of you, that is not healthy.
That's insecurity. So anyway, it is just really good to
be in a healed PA, and it's really good to
be in a place where I can share with others
(40:07):
what to look out for. So again, be very very careful.
If someone is not treating you right. You know when
someone is not treating you right. You know when someone
is gaslighting you. You know when someone is putting you down.
You know that it does not take rocket scientists scienti
as rocket scientists. It doesn't take multiple degrees to understand
(40:31):
when you are being mistreated. When you are being mistreated,
you have options. The first option is to let the
person know that you are being mistreated and how you feel.
Speaker 3 (40:42):
Let them know.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
You cannot hide from it, you cannot put it off.
You have got to let them know right up front.
And if they respect and understand what you're saying and
listen carefully and change. Then give them another chance. But
after giving somebody a chance and they still are abusive,
and I'm talking about emotional abuse, they're still abusive. They
(41:06):
still could care less about your feelings. They gaslight you,
They do all of these things that I've shared with
you today. You need to end that relationship. Nobody is
that good looking, nobody is that wealthy, nobody is that whatever.
To be in a relationship where they make you feel bad,
you have got to get out of that relationship.
Speaker 3 (41:28):
You just have to.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
You cannot remain in a relationship with someone that treats
you bad. You just have to So playing the victim,
the passive aggressiveness, the sarcasm, the disregarding your feelings, the
withholding affection, the subtle criticism. That's not healthy in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (41:52):
It is not.
Speaker 2 (41:53):
And take the advice from me. You have got to go.
You have got to run, you have got to live,
you have got to leave. That means, you know, if
your boyfriend and girlfriend, you need to cut it off.
If you are a husband and wife, then you need
to find a way to end that relationship. There are
so many women and men that have been in relationships
(42:15):
with narcissists for years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty years,
thirty years. That's a lot of wasted time, a lot
of wasted time. I was married to this person for
two and a half years.
Speaker 3 (42:28):
That's it, okay.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
So after seeing the emotional abuse and finally recognizing the narcissism,
I realized that I have a long life to live
and I am not going to be in a relationship
with someone that hits me because yep, she used to
do that too, that plays the victim, that gas lights
(42:52):
that I can't go to the store without her or
without her making me feel like I'm the worst thing. No,
and you can either. So find relationships with individuals that
are respectful. Find relationships with people that know and understand
and respect boundaries. Find relationships with people that don't withhold
(43:15):
their affection, that don't withdraw from you because you don't
give them what they think they deserve. Don't get into
relationship with someone that constantly has criticized you, or is
constantly sarcastic towards you, or that disregards your feelings. That
is not the type of relationship you want to be in.
(43:36):
You want to be in a relationship with someone that
is kind, someone that is loving, someone that has your
interest at heart, someone that enjoys when you all do
things together, but also understands that sometimes you need time apart.
Someone that will help you develop yourself to become the
best person that you want to be, someone that helps
(43:59):
you to reach your goal. That's the type of person
that you want to be with, not someone that is
going to use all of those positive things, all of
those positive attributes about you against you. All right, well,
I think that is enough for today. This is Jadenmiller,
and please don't forget to check out my website at
(44:22):
www dot Jadenmiller dot com. Please like, share, and subscribe
on my YouTube channel, and like, comment, and follow on
your favorite podcast platform. I'm on Spotify, I'm on Apple Podcast,
I'm on Spreaker, and i am on iHeartRadio. All right again,
(44:43):
Jaden Miller, I look forward to talking to you on
my next podcast episode. Have a great day, everybody, stay saying,
stay safe, have fun.
Speaker 1 (44:54):
Thank you for listening to think about it with Jaden Miller.
Don't forget to like and subscribe ube to his YouTube channel,
and like and follow on your favorite podcast platform,
Welcome to Think About It with your host, Jadenmiller.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Good day, Good day, and welcome to Think About It
with Jaden Miller. Please like, share, and subscribe on my
YouTube channel and the like, comment, and follow on your
favorite podcast platform. You can find me on Spotify, Apple,
podcast Speaker, iHeartRadio, and a whole bunch of other ones
(00:32):
as well. Don't forget to check out my website at
www dot Jadenmiller dot com. Well, I hope that you
all are doing well. This is my first time back
on the podcast waves in a little while. It's been
a busy year twenty twenty five so far. And I know,
(00:52):
way back in January I promise to do these a
lot more frequently, and yes, I unfortunately broke my promise.
But it is now summertime here in Arizona. School is
out and it's time for fun. Well anyway, there's a
whole lot going on in the world. Today is Monday,
(01:17):
June the second, twenty twenty five, and my Chicago Cubs
are first in the National League. This is the first
time they've had a great start since twenty sixteen when
they won the World Series that year. So some of
these players that they have are phenomenal. They've got this
(01:37):
peacro armstrong guy that is just killing it, and Kyle
Tucker and Matt Shaw and a whole host of other
guys that are really really bringing Chicago back to the top.
So it is so much fun watching the Chicago Cubs.
What a fun team. Just like back in twenty sixteen, yesterday,
(01:59):
Sun Day, June first, there was an attack in Colorado,
Boulder attack. There was a Boulder attack, Boulder, Colorado, meaning
an attack on Pearl Street, a street that I've walked
down and been on so many times when I've gotten
to Boulder, Colorado, and as some of you are may know,
I used to live in Colorado, still own a house
(02:20):
in Colorado.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
But there was this.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Attack on some people that were just hanging out in
Pearl Street. The man that is suspected of throwing molotov
cocktails in an act of terrorism during a pro Israel
demonstration in Boulder, Colorado, injuring twelve people, has been charged
(02:49):
with a federal hate crime and state charges, including sixteen
counts of attempted first degree murder. According to court documents,
the suspect, forty five year old Mohammed's Solomon, told investigators
he researched on YouTube how to make Molotov cocktails, purchased
the ingredients to do so, and constructed them. According to
(03:12):
federal documents, Solomon took a concealed carry class to learn
how to fire a gun. I'm glad that he wasn't
able to use a gun doing this, but had to
use Molotov cocktails after he was denied the purchase of
a gun due to him not being a legal citizen.
According to state documents, Solomon, who allegedly disguised himself as
(03:34):
a gardener doing the attack, allegedly told police he wanted
to kill all Zionist people and wished they were all dead.
Federal documents hey Solomon stated he would do it again.
He said this had nothing to do with the Jewish
community and was specific in Desionist group supporting the killings
of people on his land, which happens to be Palestine.
(03:58):
This Solomon person is husband and father of five, and
he allegedly said he had been planning Sunday afternoon's attack
for one year, but waited waited until his daughter graduated
from high school last Thursday to carry it out. To
carry it out, wow, waited until his daughter graduated from
(04:19):
high school. I just I'm wondering what thoughts are going
through her mind. He said no one knew about his
plans and he expected to die during the attack. He
appeared at his first date court hearing from the Boulder
County Jail this afternoon today, this afternoon, during which the
judge kept his bond at ten million dollars. He acknowledged
(04:41):
that he had received and understood a protection order borrowing
him from contacting the victims. He is due back in
court on Thursday for the filing of state charges. Imagine
those people that were out on a Sunday afternoon, really
just enjoying them themselves, and this gentleman h sets them
(05:07):
on fire. Really ridiculous. And again, as I've mentioned, I've
been to Boat of Colorado more times than any of
you all can count. I've been on Pearl Street where
this happened, many many times as a photographer. I've taken
photos there and and have eaten there on Pearl Street
and just had enjoyable times on Pearl Street. So it's
(05:30):
really shocking in such a really really family centered, nice
place that this type of incident would occur. So but anyway,
that's the state of our world. Donald Trump is still
Donald Trump. His his terroriffs are still rocking the world.
(05:54):
I now hear that they've called him a taco. Whatever
that means, Well, we all know what it means. But uh,
he doesn't like that, and so he's been very upset
at people that have been calling him, uh a taco
in regards to his.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
In regards to his.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Failing at keeping his word on on uh on the
Texas and the tariffs. So but anyway, Uh, he got
really really mad last week when someone called him what
called him a taco, so uh, and it simply means
Trump Trump always chickens out.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
So he he didn't.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Really care for that, and got really upset with the
reporter that called him that the other day, mainly because
he didn't know what it meant until after she had
asked him a question about.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
His taco trade.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
So yeah, he got upset with her and said that
you ask a nasty question like that. It's not a
nasty question, it's a legitimate question. He just didn't like
the question. It's not a nasty one. She asked a
legitimate question. It's not her fault that he didn't know
that people were calling them taco Trump always chickens out
(07:13):
is what it means though, So but anyway, Donald Trump
is still Donald Trump. America is still in some ways divisive, unfortunately,
and so we continue to go on.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
School is out, School is out.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
It was a really great year, a really great academic year.
So many students have moved on to different grades. Some
have graduated from high school, and a number of them
have graduated from eighth grade and going to high school,
and some have simply promoted from seventh grade to eighth grade,
(07:53):
and so really really happy to see these young people
can to move forward in their lives. What am I
going to talk about today? So it is sometimes really
difficult for me to come up with topics to discuss.
I'm really busy, which is not a legitimate excuse, but
(08:17):
I am pretty busy. I'm working on a PhD, and
the classes get progressively more intense, and so a lot
of my time is spent making sure that I'm getting
and providing the right information. As a photographer, I am
pretty busy. On weekends, I have photo session, some weddings
and a lot of family and Senior citizen, I'm sorry,
(08:41):
senior citizen, Senior citizen, Senior photos seniors in high school
senior photos that I do and have been doing consistently
since January and February. So sometimes I just don't know.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
What to talk about.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
I want to find something that's going to be enlightening
and something that's going to be interesting, and I'm a
really boring person, I think, so sometimes it's really difficult
for me to come up with topics because I just
don't know what to say, and sometimes I don't want
to say the wrong things because you never know who's listening.
(09:19):
But then also I feel the need to say what's
on my mind. And so today I decided that I
wanted to talk about me, but a specific thing with me,
and it really boils down to my healing process. At
(09:39):
one time in my life, it would not have been
easy for me to talk about being the victim of abuse,
and as a man, it's really really difficult for us
to talk about when we have been victims. But as
a teacher, as a former law enforcement officer official, I
(10:04):
think it's important that I specifically be able to share
my experiences because my hope is that people will learn
from them and recognize certain qualities and people and avoid them.
During the year of course, I see lots and lots
(10:24):
of relationships, mainly the seventh and eighth grade relationships, and
I see so many signs in certain individuals, especially how
they treat other individuals. I've seen many boys get upset
(10:46):
cry over how they've been treated by a girl. I've
seen many girls cry and be upset about how they
were treated by some boy, and as I listen to them,
because often times many people will come and share with me.
Many of my students will come and share with me,
you know, their relationship issues, and I generally listen unless
(11:09):
I'm asked for some advice, and then I'll share some
with them. But quite often I see signs of abuse
in the offender. And while you don't want to really
call a twelve or thirteen or fourteen year old an
(11:30):
abuser or an offender, it does start somewhere, and quite
often it starts when people are young, and because those
those qualities are not checked, or because another young person
does not know how to check those qualities or don't
(11:52):
know what those qualities are. Sometimes you know those behaviors,
specifically narcissistic behaviors, emotional abuse. They grow in an individual
that is the offender and the victim unaware of this
allows certain behaviors to happen, and so I try to
(12:16):
share some of my experiences because my hope is that
I can help you avoid some of the things that
I actually went through. So just a really quick recap
because those of you that have listened to my podcast
before have heard me talk about the fact that I
(12:38):
was in a relationship with the narcissistic abuser, a female,
a woman. Yes, women can be abusers. Yes, women can
be narcissist. Yes, women can be emotionally abusive to men.
So let's get that straight from the very beginning. Now,
my talk today is one and while I share my experiences,
(13:01):
that does not mean that it is only for men,
because I don't want any girls, females, women, young ladies
to be victims of narcissistic abuse either. So I share
my story in the hopes that you will learn from
it and that you will avoid those individuals that can
(13:24):
change your life for the negative. So yes, so yes,
I met a person who I did not know was
a narcissistic abuser until later on. I married this individual,
and the signs were there, But as it is usually
(13:46):
with a narcissist, specifically a covert narcissist. Because the person
that I married was a covert narcissist. You're unaware the
signs were there, but I ignored them, okay, quite often, just
like I see young ladies today that ignore some of
the behaviors from the boys that they are dating or
(14:09):
like or whatever, and then they end up getting hurt
because you ignore certain things. Your mind is telling you
wait a minute, but yet your heart is telling you,
but give them a chance.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
And it's not that way.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Oh yes, it is. It is that way. It is
that way. So I married somebody who at the time
I did not know, but how I found out later,
who was not in a good family relationship.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
For mother.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Was not in a good place, and her father had
left and had started a totally different family, and so
she had a lot of childhood issues that grew into
her adulthood again because they were never or checked. No
one checked them, they were afraid to check them, or
(15:04):
she hid them so well that no one could check them.
And it wasn't until I was able to get back
in my right mind that I was able to finally say, oh, no,
you have got to go. So today I'm going to
(15:25):
just share with you my journey to healing, and some
things that you can do to avoid getting yourself into
a relationship that may not be very healthy for you.
All right, So, first of all, the question needs to
be asked, what is a covert narcissist. A covert narcissist
(15:49):
is an individual who use this passive aggressiveness. For example,
they might use sarcasm, disregard your feelings by keeping your
needs low prior, or give you the silent treatment. When
they're upset, they play the victim. This is one of
the ones that I had to deal with very often.
A covert narcissists often frames themselves as misunderstood and rarely
(16:14):
will take accountability for anything. This is the person that
I dealt with. This was my ex wife. She never
ever took accountability for anything. She always played the victim.
It was always my fault.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
Gas Lighting is another sign.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
They might casually question your memories, opinions, and interest, letting
the doubts slowly creep in. Yes, gaslighting making you think
things are a certain way when they are absolutely not
that way. Withholding affection and subtle criticism, they might disguise
criticism as concern or advice to undermine your confidence. So
(16:57):
these are a lot of the signs that I came
to find out once I got involved in the relationship.
And so, yeah, it was difficult the insecurities. Were there
anybody that is so insecure in themselves that is a
(17:20):
relationship you should not be involved in. And the thing
about it was was that there was no need to
be insecure. She was an attractive person. And what I
mean by that is physically she was very attractive. There
was no need for her to be insecure, but she was.
She was the type of individual that was so insecure
(17:42):
that she, in a covert manner, went out of her
way to dissolve many of my relationships, many of my friendships,
because she insisted that she the sole person that I
focused on. So friendships that I had had for forty years,
(18:09):
she really manipulated and tried to get rid of them.
With family members, my own children, she tried to find.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
A way to divide us.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
But when it came to her own family, it was different,
you know, except for you know, some some relationships she
she didn't try to keep me from them, she kept
herself from them. But that was just part of her
her whole insecure self, you know, And as a result
(18:43):
of her inadequacies and insecurities and and and other you know,
trauma that she had dealt with as a child and
maybe as a young adult, and all of that. She
now took those out on me. And being a man
and being kind hearted. Uh, you know, I often overlooked
(19:09):
certain things.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
You know.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
There are many times, you know, before we got married
that that I knew that this was not the relationship.
You know that there were there were certain signs, you know.
I recall one time I was at work and she
called me and was so upset because I didn't answer
my phone call at a certain time.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
And that was another thing.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
If you if I didn't respond quick enough for her,
she'd be upset.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
You know.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
It's that those kinds of relationships, those kinds of individuals
you need to avoid, okay. Uh, someone that is so
self absorbed, so dependent and to the point where you
can't make a move. Uh, that's somebody you ought not
be involved with. So I had to heal from this
(20:03):
covert narcissistic relationship. At a certain point, it was I
was just done and the type of person that I am,
I give so many chances, and I didn't want the relationship,
and I wanted it to work, but I got tired
of being blamed for everything or every little I mean,
(20:24):
it was like walking on eggshells every little move I made.
It was always question. If I spent a dollar on me,
she'd be upset, but if I spent dollars on her
or her children, it was okay.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
It's that kind of abuse, you know, making your making
you feel less stand. So I had to prioritize my
self care. And the first thing was she had to
get the hell out of my house. Okay, it's my house.
And I needed to divorce her. Okay, it was time
to go. It was time for me to take back
(20:58):
control of myself. And the only way that I was
going to be able to do that was that relationship
had to end. There were many many signs at the
very tail end of the relationship, contacting friends of mine,
you know, because they had an opinion about our relationship,
(21:18):
and getting on their case about it, and then making
me look bad in front of her family and her friends.
And the top it all off, she claimed to be
a religious person, you know, so into the church, but
yet her actions prior to the divorce, and then her
(21:41):
actions afterwards, one of which is trying to continue to
divide me and one of my daughters, you know, by
being present and sharing things about me totally untrue or
at least from her perspective, to try to make me
look bad in front of my own daughter. That's horrible.
(22:03):
And the thing about it is is that she did
not have a relationship with her own father until I
helped get them back together again. But this is the
type of person she is. And so again I needed
to practice some self care and some self compassion because
I was going in the wrong direction and I was
(22:23):
not caring so much about myself anymore. And so that's
one of the things about healing. You have got to
prioritize self care and self compassion. You have to learn
to acknowledge and accept your feelings without judgment. I had
to learn to engage in activities that bring me joy
and promote a sense of well being. When I was
(22:46):
an assistant principal at a middle school, I used to
love to go and watch volleyball and my students prior
to me becoming assistant principal, would love for me to
come to their games. I could not go to a
game because she would be so insecure or I had
(23:06):
to go with her. She had to be invited. I
couldn't sit in the stands and just enjoy your game,
you know, watching my students play, because she had to
be there, and if I didn't invite her, she'd be upset,
and so I would feel guilty being there.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
I'm telling you, it was horrible.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
This the kind of psychological games a covert narcissist can play.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
On you in your mind.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
So I had to get back, and so I love softball.
So last year I coached vo voluntarily coach softball, but
then I also did soccer. I was head coach. So
I started getting back into activities that I had denied
myself because of her. The other thing I had to
do is I had to learn how to forgive myself.
(23:54):
I had to understand that I was the victim of manipulation,
and I had to understand that I was a victim
of manipulation and abuse is essential for healing.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
I had to understand that it.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Was not my fault, that I should not blame myself
for the situation. I was a victim of manipulation and abuse.
It's just that simple. Back during the divorce, which went.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
Very very quickly.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
I filed and there was no need for a lawyer
or anything like that. I handled it myself. I mean
I drove to the courthouse, I filed the papers. I
paid for it because I had to be done with
this individual, okay, and so I established no contact. So
anything that she gave me in our relationship, I put
(24:45):
it in a box and sent it back to her
wedding ring, sent it back to her. It notes that
she had written to me. Sent it back to her
because I did not want anything from this emotional abuser.
I did not want to be able to look back
on something or read something, because then I know it
was a lot would just make me upset. So I
gave her. I sent it all back to her. Didn't
(25:05):
want it. I didn't want your hand in marriage. I
didn't want your wedding ring.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Goodbye.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
I had to established firm boundaries so you know, she
cannot contact me. I blocked her on any and every
social media telephone that I could. I learned a whole
lot about narcissistic abuse after divorcing her. I did not
(25:31):
know a whole lot of what was going on in
the trauma that she was creating in my life until later,
and so I learned.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Quite a bit about her.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
But I also learned quite a bit about covert narcissism,
and then I learned a whole lot about me. So yes,
I had to rebuild my self esteem. I had to
focus on my strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities. I had
the child negative narratives that I internalized because of what
(26:04):
she had said and what she had told other people.
I had to reconnect with my values and passions. In
other words, I had to reconnect with my interest in
the pursuit of my goals to help me to regain
a sense of purpose and direction because I was going
in a direction that was not a good direction. I
had to build rebuild a supportive network. So those friends
(26:28):
that I had abandoned because she said, well, I should
be the only female in your life, and I had
to reconnect with them. I had to surround myself with
them again. I had to go back to them and
apologize to them forsaking them for this individual win. Many
of them warned me about her, and of course sometimes
(26:50):
when you're in love, you just ignore certain things. So
I had to understand that healing is a process. I
had to be patient with myself and understand that healing
takes time and that there may be periods of progress
and setbacks. But I never ever let myself contact her.
(27:14):
When I'm done, I am done. But sometimes the memories
would come back because there were some good times. They
weren't all bad. There was a lot of bad, but
they weren't all bad. And sometimes you have a tendency
to go back to the times that were good. And
there are times where I go places and those places
(27:37):
bring back memories. But I've learned to understand that those
are exactly what they were, memories. They don't represent the present,
and they certainly do not represent my future. So going back,
(27:57):
I did not really know what a narciss was until
I later really really got into some really deep diving
into the topic. A narcissist is, in the simplest sense,
a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration
of themselves. This definition alone does not even scratch the
(28:21):
surface of what someone with narcissistic personality disorder is and
the impact they have on people close to them.
Speaker 3 (28:29):
Most people don't.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Even realize they are getting into a relationship with the
narcist because they do not reveal their true selves initially,
which is how she was. They are skillfully manipulative, which
allows them to appear charming and loving. I was so
so charmed, Okay, I should have known, you know, really
early on that she was manipulative, especially when it came
(28:55):
to money. Wanting to get married very quickly, wanting to
move in with me very very quickly, those were some
tell tale signs. And you know there have been many
times that I broke up with her prior to getting married,
and you know, just allowed her back in which I
now know I should not have done. Narcissistic relationships are
(29:19):
emotionally abusive. They include put downs, accusations, criticism, gas lighting,
and threats. A narcissist end goal is always to have
an abundant supply of constant attention and admiration and will
do many things to maintain and build on it. So
with her is you know, like I mentioned, I couldn't
(29:41):
go to games at the school that I was at
I worked at, I couldn't have my female friends. Uh.
If I had to talk to an employee as their
supervisor and it was a female, she would ask who
that person is in? Is that person marrying? And does
(30:01):
that person like you, you know, just really childish, silly stuff,
you know that she would ask me, and so I
had to avoid coming home from work engaging in conversations
with her about work because if it dealt with the
female then I was going to be in trouble. So
it's that type of narcissistic abuse and of behaviors that
(30:22):
she exhibited. So yeah, it was really really difficult. It
was really really difficult dealing with this person. So I
had to learn something. A younger version of me believed
I could change people in a positive way. I thought
I could influence them into being better, stronger, happier versions
(30:44):
of themselves. I saw the best in her and I
fell in love with that potential. I hoped my habits
would rub off on her. But you cannot change in narcissists.
You can only be changed by their abuse. I learned
this lesson hard, and when I did, it never left.
So I no longer try to change anyone, friends, family members.
(31:07):
I see people for who they are and how they are,
and I don't expect them to behave differently than I am.
Shown if they are not respectful or if they don't
respect my boundaries, I no longer ask myself why are
they treating me this way? Instead I asked myself why
am I allowing this treatment? This was a huge shift
that changed the way I interacted with people, and it's
(31:27):
helped me so so much till this very day.
Speaker 3 (31:31):
So I had to learn how.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
To set boundaries and stick to them. Setting boundaries with
the narcissist is incredibly hard. Narcissists tend not to respect
boundaries or see them as a personal attack, which is
what she did. I had to learn to set boundaries
that enforced how I wanted to be treated, and then
hold the boundary when the line was crossed. This allowed
me to create enough space from the relationship so I
(31:53):
could start listening to myself and my knees again. With
no strong boundaries in place, I was consistently getting trampled
by the narcissist. You've got to have boundaries, and you've
got to stick to them. I had to learn who
I am again, and finally I have gotten to that
point where I do know who I am again because
(32:14):
it was not about me, it was about her all
the time. I had to learn how to listen to
myself again. I had to scrape myself up off the
floor and heal. I had to learn how to listen
to myself again. I had to learn how to ask
myself what I think before I speak. I also learned
how to stand my ground and not be shaken when
(32:34):
someone is trying to intimidate me, which is how she was.
I also had to learn how to ungaslight myself as
a narcissist. She tried to write my history. I had
to learn how to rewrite my history and to dedicate
myself to my own reality and the truth, which certainly
(32:56):
was not in her when it came to me. There
were so many transitions to getting to become a healthy
person again. And I am so glad that I've gotten
to the point now where I am healed, and that
(33:16):
I acknowledged the abuse, and that I ended the relationship.
As difficult as it was, I ended it. And I
am so happy that I because at one point, even
even when we were at the point of her moving out,
I mean, there was this one thought that came to
(33:38):
my mind and said try again.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
And I am so glad, so glad that.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
I did not, and that I continued to watch her
put all of her shit in a truck and drive
the hell off. That was the most rewarding day. It
was a day of freedom. It was a day that
the stars and the sky just opened up and the
(34:04):
sun came back out because it was a cloudy, cloudy
time in my life during that time.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
And so.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
I just learned to really get to know who I
am and I really learned how to love myself again
because she had taken so much away from me, you know, relationships,
my peace, financially not so much. But she tried, She
(34:36):
really did try. But luckily I had most of what
I already earned and owned prior to meeting her. But
she would have, because she's that kind of person. She
would have tried to get more money out of me.
She actually, you know, was able to get a little
bit out of me because you know, she threatened to
(34:58):
go to court and do something, and could have fought her,
but I just was like, you know, it's easier to
just let you have this because I'll get it back,
and there's karma, and karma will come back around, and
I just hope that it has. If it hasn't already,
we'll bite her nice, a nice chunk out of her
(35:20):
and so that she'll forever remember how ugly she treated me.
But yeah, so it is so good just to embrace
self compassion and to focus on my future. And now
it is so much brighter, you know. I just look
at today as opposed to then. I mean, so many
(35:41):
great things. I've met so many wonderful people since leaving her,
so many opportunities have come my way. Since leaving her,
I've been more of a happier person and have allowed
people to engage with me so much better than than
I did prior to her. I'm able to go places
(36:05):
and not have to feel like I'm doing something wrong,
and I'm able to date again, and it is so
so great to be healed, to finally get over somebody.
So I hope this has helped.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
Again.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
You know my experiences. My experience was really difficult, and
I have not really shared all of the difficult parts
of it. That's because I have chosen to move beyond them,
so I can share little pieces of how I was
treated and that kind of thing. I think most people
get the message. And you can certainly look up covert
(36:45):
narcissist or narcissism, or female narcissist or just narcissists in general,
because again, as I mentioned This is not only about
female narcissists. Men are narcissists as well, and I don't
want any females to be emotionally abused by this type
(37:05):
of behavior as well. We need to have relationships where
people are respectful, people understand boundaries. People want to help
others to be better, to be great, and not focus
all on themselves. You don't want someone that's totally insecure.
Speaker 3 (37:29):
That is not good.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
Someone that needs to go through your phone, or go
through your computer, or go through your messages. That is
not a that is not a good and trusting relationship.
Speaker 3 (37:39):
Now.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
I know sometimes people think that, oh, well, you know
my phone is open, and you know she can go
through my phone anytime she wants to know. That's that's
that's not that's not healthy Because if someone trusts you, okay,
they should not have to go through your belongings in
a way in which they're looking for something bad. Understand
(38:02):
what I'm saying. I'm not saying that it's wrong for
your spouse or your girlfriend to have access to your phone.
That's not what I'm saying. That's up to you. That's
your relationship. What I am saying is that if they
use the trust that you've given them to start looking
for things Okay that are negative. Okay, that's a problem.
(38:24):
That's a problem. And allowing someone to have access to
your private things should be something that is given, not
something that they demand from you, not something that they
require to be in a relationship. If someone comes to
me and says, well, in order for me to trust you,
I need to have access to your phone and you're
(38:45):
a computer and all that, then sorry, we don't need
to be in a relationship because first of all, that
should not be a priority to you.
Speaker 3 (38:51):
All right, If I'm in a.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
Relationship with you, then we need to develop that trust.
I don't have a problem with you looking through my phone,
but when you come at me that way, but I
need to see this or I only feel good if
I have access to it, then no, you've got a problem.
You have a problem because I'm not coming to you.
I don't need to see your computer and what's on
your computer. I don't need to see what's on your phone.
(39:13):
I don't need to answer your phone. I don't need
to do all of that. I don't need that. If
I'm in a solid relationship with someone, the keyword being solid,
there is no need for me to have to Okay,
I'm not gonna ask you for it, but if you
give me because you feel comfortable, you say, hey, this
(39:34):
is the password, the code to my phone, this is
the password to my computer, because I just want you
to have it.
Speaker 3 (39:43):
That's fine, that's good.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
I like that. That is a good, healthy relationship. But
when someone demands that of you, that is not healthy.
That's insecurity. So anyway, it is just really good to
be in a healed PA, and it's really good to
be in a place where I can share with others
(40:07):
what to look out for. So again, be very very careful.
If someone is not treating you right. You know when
someone is not treating you right. You know when someone
is gaslighting you. You know when someone is putting you down.
You know that it does not take rocket scientists scienti
as rocket scientists. It doesn't take multiple degrees to understand
(40:31):
when you are being mistreated. When you are being mistreated,
you have options. The first option is to let the
person know that you are being mistreated and how you feel.
Speaker 3 (40:42):
Let them know.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
You cannot hide from it, you cannot put it off.
You have got to let them know right up front.
And if they respect and understand what you're saying and
listen carefully and change. Then give them another chance. But
after giving somebody a chance and they still are abusive,
and I'm talking about emotional abuse, they're still abusive. They
(41:06):
still could care less about your feelings. They gaslight you,
They do all of these things that I've shared with
you today. You need to end that relationship. Nobody is
that good looking, nobody is that wealthy, nobody is that whatever.
To be in a relationship where they make you feel bad,
you have got to get out of that relationship.
Speaker 3 (41:28):
You just have to.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
You cannot remain in a relationship with someone that treats
you bad. You just have to So playing the victim,
the passive aggressiveness, the sarcasm, the disregarding your feelings, the
withholding affection, the subtle criticism. That's not healthy in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (41:52):
It is not.
Speaker 2 (41:53):
And take the advice from me. You have got to go.
You have got to run, you have got to live,
you have got to leave. That means, you know, if
your boyfriend and girlfriend, you need to cut it off.
If you are a husband and wife, then you need
to find a way to end that relationship. There are
so many women and men that have been in relationships
(42:15):
with narcissists for years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty years,
thirty years. That's a lot of wasted time, a lot
of wasted time. I was married to this person for
two and a half years.
Speaker 3 (42:28):
That's it, okay.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
So after seeing the emotional abuse and finally recognizing the narcissism,
I realized that I have a long life to live
and I am not going to be in a relationship
with someone that hits me because yep, she used to
do that too, that plays the victim, that gas lights
(42:52):
that I can't go to the store without her or
without her making me feel like I'm the worst thing. No,
and you can either. So find relationships with individuals that
are respectful. Find relationships with people that know and understand
and respect boundaries. Find relationships with people that don't withhold
(43:15):
their affection, that don't withdraw from you because you don't
give them what they think they deserve. Don't get into
relationship with someone that constantly has criticized you, or is
constantly sarcastic towards you, or that disregards your feelings. That
is not the type of relationship you want to be in.
(43:36):
You want to be in a relationship with someone that
is kind, someone that is loving, someone that has your
interest at heart, someone that enjoys when you all do
things together, but also understands that sometimes you need time apart.
Someone that will help you develop yourself to become the
best person that you want to be, someone that helps
(43:59):
you to reach your goal. That's the type of person
that you want to be with, not someone that is
going to use all of those positive things, all of
those positive attributes about you against you. All right, well,
I think that is enough for today. This is Jadenmiller,
and please don't forget to check out my website at
(44:22):
www dot Jadenmiller dot com. Please like, share, and subscribe
on my YouTube channel, and like, comment, and follow on
your favorite podcast platform. I'm on Spotify, I'm on Apple Podcast,
I'm on Spreaker, and i am on iHeartRadio. All right again,
(44:43):
Jaden Miller, I look forward to talking to you on
my next podcast episode. Have a great day, everybody, stay saying,
stay safe, have fun.
Speaker 1 (44:54):
Thank you for listening to think about it with Jaden Miller.
Don't forget to like and subscribe ube to his YouTube channel,
and like and follow on your favorite podcast platform,
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