My Husband is a Pedophile, I called the police and turned him in. (A crazy Reddit Ask Me Anything)

My Husband is a Pedophile, I called the police and turned him in. (A crazy Reddit Ask Me Anything)

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Reddit, Ask me anything. My husband is a pedophile, U
K ask me anything. This year I found child pornography
produced by my husband on his PC. I called the
police and he was arrested. There is an active court
case currently in progress, so I may have to skirt
around some specifics when it comes to the case. My
friends and family have been very supportive, but also have

(00:22):
been morbidly curious about the ins and outs of everything.
I thought this may be something interesting to discuss here
on Reddit. Feel free to ask me anything. What was
your first reaction? I was in shock. Adrenaline took over
and I had the shakes. Initially I thought he was
having an affair, but when I realized what I had seen,
I called a friend, sister in law of one of

(00:44):
the children. When I spoke with her, are clarified in
my mind that this was big, bad and I needed
to call the police. I spent most of that day
shaking and drinking lots of tea. It was only an
hour or so in that it dawned on me that
my life was about to change in a drastic way.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. Shit. What
about the house? What about husband's name? What about kid names.

(01:09):
I have been a lurker on Reddit for over six years.
I finally signed up a user account today just so
that I could leave this comment. Thank you you are
doing the right thing. I am a thirty five year
old man, have dealt with PTSD and repressed memories from
childhood sexual abuse. I will never see my violator brought
to justice because everyone involved was too scared or confused

(01:31):
to do anything about it when I was a helpless child. Again,
thank you, you are doing the right thing, and in
your own way, you are a hero. Do not be
afraid of the fallout from this. You are on the
side of justice. Will you Guys married for a long time?
If so, was there any suspicion or hints he gave
along the way? This sounds like an incredibly tough situation

(01:54):
to be in. All the best with coming to terms
with it. Red Heart Suit, we have been together for
around ten years and married four or around three. At
the time I was blind to it, but in retrospect
there were definitely some things I should have spotted. He
was always interested in supporting younger girls and had quite
a few on Snapchat. He was in his thirties, but

(02:14):
I generally thought that he was being helpful and kind
to our extended family and friendship group. He was generally
quite a tactile person and enjoyed snuggling up with a
blanket on the sofa with friends, so when he was
also doing this with young teens, this didn't ring any
alarm bells for me. There were also a few times
that he was alone at home with children, but I
saw this as baby sitting, something that I am having

(02:36):
to deal with with a therapist. He is learning what
is normal behavior. I don't want to be skeptical of
everyone in the world because only a small minority of
people have bad intentions, but equally in the future with relationships,
I want to be aware of red flags. What do
you mean by supporting younger girls? How young? And are
you saying he was friends with them on Snapchat and

(02:57):
you didn't find that wit aged around twelve four ten,
as far as I believe giving them friendly advice for
example school or support with mental health. At the time,
I didn't find this weird as they were family or
family friends. Enjoyed snuggling up with a blanket on the
sofa with friends, so when he was also doing this
with young teens, This didn't ring any alarm bells for me. WTF.

(03:20):
I understand how it sounds, and in retrospect it does
sound ridiculous. However, at the time it just felt so normal.
We would all as a group be on the sofa
with blankets during movie nights, including family of the child
in question. I think little things like this became normalized
that to me does sound normal. Couzing up with young
family members on the sofa to watch a film is

(03:42):
normal and shouldn't be seen as a sign of something
more sinister. I don't have any questions, but I read
how you found it and didn't ask him. You just
turned him in, And I really want to just say
how grateful I am that people like you exist in
the world, because, Frankly, that's a shitty, shitty situation and
we all want wonder why, but why Frankly just isn't
the priority in that situation, and he can answer that

(04:04):
in jail. Thank you. I have a number of friends
who tell me that I have been brave, but honestly,
it just felt like the right thing to do. Nothing
brave about that, im hoe. How are the victims dealing
with his arrest and his crimes becoming public. Was he
making videos and images for his own collection or was
it an attempt to sell trade with other pedophiles? Scary

(04:26):
to imagine those images floating around the internet forever. Was
his suicide comment a reflection of his own guilt around
the circumstances, or something unrelated. What are the ways in
which you've found healing? You are incredibly brave and selfless
for reporting him. Thank you for being a good person.
I say this as a male victim of abuse when
I was underage. How are the victims dealing with his

(04:49):
arrest and his crimes becoming public? They've struggled. They were
groomed and believed that they were in relationships with him,
so that has been hard with them to get their
heads around, also learning that what has happened to them
is wrong. The crimes haven't been publicly reported yet that
is local press, but I imagine when it goes to
court it probably will. I hope that their names untreleased

(05:10):
as part of this though. Was he making videos and
images for his own collection or was it an attempt
to sell trade with other pedophiles? Scary to imagine those
images floating around the internet forever. I hope and believe
that they were for his own personal collection, but I
don't know was his suicide comment a reflection of his
own guilt around the circumstances or something unrelated. I'm not

(05:32):
sure if it was a true reflection of his guilt
or him manipulating me. One of the people he turned
to for help with his suicide comment was the mother
of one of the children, which could indicate either what
are the ways in which you've found healing? Counseling, lots
of tea, mindfulness, kitting, cuddles, sleep, spending time with my
amazing friends, looking at the bright side of situations, drinking

(05:56):
lots of water, going for walks, medication. I'm certainly not
there yet, but trying my best to put some healthy
behaviors to help. You. Are incredibly brave and selfless for
reporting him. Thank you for being a good person. I
say this as a male victim of abuse when I
was underage. Thank you. I hope that you have found

(06:16):
healing and peace from your situation. Has this situation inflicted
damage on yourself esteem or do you realize it's a
himn thing massively? From a physical perspective, I don't feel
attractive from a mental capacity, due to the situation, my
memory has gone to part and I struggle at work.
I'm usually quite a high achieving person and the fact

(06:37):
that I am not mentally as capable has really knocked
my confidence. I hope through self care the amazing support
network that I haven't professional help, that I will start
to rebuild and gain myself esteem again. You'll eventually get
to a point where you'll realize that he was going
to do this no matter what. It's a psychological problem
with him. I'm sure he did find you attractive and

(06:59):
as love you you, but it's something wrong with him,
not you. Your braves hell for doing this and extremely strong.
I have no doubt if you can do this, you'll
be able to do that as well. I'll get there
eventually and hope that he did care for me and
find me attractive. I'm just learning at the moment to
try and get myself worth myself rather than validation from

(07:20):
my partner. Something easier said than done. But what was
the folder called? It was hidden in a program file.
I can't remember the specific path, but it was something
like program name common NAP data set up general. How
did you find the folder? My husband had been acting
strange and had told me that he was suicidal. He

(07:40):
didn't want to speak to me about this. I knew
that he had been speaking to some people online, so
I'll log onto his PC. When he went to work,
I saw that he'd spoken with a friend and downloaded
some bits. I went on his recently changed folders, and
this was a folder which came up. I'm fairly tech
savvy myself, and something didn't seem quite right about the filepath.

(08:02):
How do you feel about him and the time you
have spent with him? In retrospect, it's really difficult to
believe that my husband has done all of this. I
find it easier to think of my husband and the
pedophile as two different people. I believe he must have
some sociopathic tendens sees to have been able to have
led should a double life. In retrospect, I have realized

(08:23):
that he was quite manipulative with me, and I didn't
see the simpler time in another breathe. I spent ten
years of my life with him and learned and grew
as a person. We shared so many fond experiences, and
I can't write those chapters out of my story. I
thank him for making me the person I am today,
but it is really difficult for me to accept how
much evil he has done. The more evidence that has

(08:45):
come out as part of the court case, the more
I realize the person who I knew and loved wasn't real.
I don't know how much sense that makes, but I
hope it answers your question. Do people treat you as
if you have committed the crime to or are they
supportive of watching you did once you found out? At
this moment in time, only the families involved, a few

(09:05):
of my friends and my employer are aware of the situation.
All of the people whom I have spoken to have
been very supportive of me. However, I am concerned when
it becomes public knowledge, I may run into issues. For example,
if my neighbors find out, they may not know that
I was the one who handed him in. Was the
first thing on your mind to get him imprisoned? Or
did you consider discussing this matter with him and seeing

(09:27):
if you could work it out. I think I was
in shock initially when I realized what the images and
videos were. To begin with, I thought he was cheating
on me, and then I noticed that I recognized the
children and the images. I called a friend prior to
calling the police, and I remember distinctly asking how this
is police? Bad? Isn't it? When I called the police,
I don't think I was aware of the consequences of

(09:49):
that action. It was only afterwards that it dawned on
me how much my life was going to be turned
upside down. I haven't wanted to speak with my husband
because I don't want him to try and win me
back over. Do you know if it was only children
he knew or random internet stuff? Do you think he
was physically abusive toward children? Your children? Sorry, if too personal,

(10:10):
no problem at all. As far as I'm aware, it
was children that we knew. However, there could be more
that I'm not aware of. I saw a folder on
his PC, but once I realized what it was, I
didn't look any further. I know that he has had
sex with children. However, I don't know if he has
any children. Luckily I don't have my own children. Have
you talked to the parents of the children or any

(10:32):
of the children that you recognize know from the images?
What has that conversation been like. I can't imagine having
to go through this as a parent. Thank you for
doing the right thing. What a nightmare. Yes, I have.
Luckily I didn't have to be the one who broke
the news, as I gave the information to the police
and they spoke with the parents. He had groomed the

(10:53):
children into believing that they were in relationships with him,
and if they told anyone that it would ruin their
families and break up his life family too. One of
the children originally deny it when the police came, but
later confessed. Conversations have been hard but necessary. We're all
on the same side, so to speak, so you have
been very supportive of each other. One of the parents
wanted me to go into all of the details, which

(11:16):
was hard, but I felt it was necessary for her
to hear it because she really wanted to know. Because
I am not a victim of the crimes, the police
haven't really been keeping me up the dates, so I've
been receiving updates via the parents of the victims regarding
the case. I can empathize with you. I found out
last year that my then best friend was a pedophile.

(11:36):
I wish I had some words of wisdom to help
you out, but I'm still struggling with it. If you
could go back in time, would you still want to
meet Tim? Thank you so much for reporting that sick duck.
How many victims did he have? How many years would
he get for being a pedophile? Fifteen is also technically underage,
which was when you'd met him. Could you also use

(11:57):
yourself as evidence to testify against him about his methods tactics.
I love the user name. At this moment in time,
I'm not sure of how many victims there are. I'm
aware of three. We haven't been given time scales because
he hasn't been officially charges at this point. The way
that the legal system works in the UK's the police
will investigate. Once they have the evidence they need to charge,

(12:20):
they will go to CPS and present the items they
feel they have enough evidence for. That is statutory rape,
possession of indecent images, production of indecent images. Depending on
the items they are able to charge. Four will depend
on the amount of time he could be put away for.
I have given the police a statement and they have
asked me questions regarding the beginning of our relationship, but

(12:42):
I think it will depend on whether or not that
will support whatever they eventually charge him with. I hope
that that makes sense and answers your questions. A few questions,
if you don't mind, what do you feel when you
think about your husband now? What do you feel about
yourself having fallen in love with someone who's done these things?
Have you spoken to your husband since he's been arrested,

(13:04):
and what was his reaction to the crime. What are
you going to do now? Hey, no problem at all.
I feel very conflicted. I explained it in a bit
more detail in one of the other comments, but I
find it easier to think of my husband as two people.
My husband, the man I knew and loved in the
pedophile who did these awful things. The more that has
come out over the court case, the more I realize

(13:26):
how little I knew of the true person he was.
I do think he must be mentally ill. I love
my husband to pieces, but I don't think that person
is real, just a side of my husband that he
presented to me when we met. I was fifteen and
he was in his twenties, And in hindsight, this could
have been a red flag. I was young enough, even vulnerable,
to someone who was older and exciting and liked all

(13:47):
of the things I was interested in. I do feel
a lot of shame around the situation and that I
was in love with him and didn't spot things sooner.
But I take solace in the fact that I acted
as soon as I knew what was going on. Beat
myself up for not spotting the signs. My husband is
not allowed to speak with me as part of his
bail conditions. His mom passed along a message that he

(14:09):
loved me, but that has been the extent of things. Sorry,
nothing too exciting. I'm stuck in limbo at the moment.
I'm waiting for the court case to happen. No date
yet as they're collecting and investigating the evidence. I'm currently
in the marital home and will look to file for
divorce once he has been prosecuted. Luckily, we haven't got children,

(14:29):
so once the divorce has been finalized, that should be
the end of any contact that we might have. When
we met, I was fifteen and he was in his twenties,
and in hindsight, this could have been a red flag.
This is a huge red flag that is to adults,
not so much to you. What did the people around
you think about you seeing someone so much older when
you were just a kid, parents, friends, etc. We only

(14:54):
officially started dating when I was sixteen. My mum was
very unhappy about the situation, but of a couple of
years dating him, he had won her over. My friends
didn't really vocalize any concerns they had. His friends used
to joke about him being a pedophile for dating me,
and it was always the running joke, but didn't raise
with me any serious concerns. I feel like his friends

(15:15):
should have been weird enough by it. I'm twenty two
and if one of my mates started dating a sixteen
year old, I'd find it very weird. I know it's
technically legal at that age, but you someone of that
age wouldn't even be on my radar. Have you told
your mum what you discovered? How does she feel about
it all? Yet? I'm in my mid twenties now, and

(15:37):
if one of my friends dated a teenager, I'd have questions. Yes,
I've told my mum she wants to have five minutes
in a loner, locked room with him, if I'm honest, sexty,
I think she harbors a lot of guilt over the situation,
especially because she has had safeguarding training as part of
her work and feels that she should have spotted the
sign sooner. What did you do with his staff? Burn them,

(16:00):
throw away, give to his parents. The temptation was to
definitely burn it and destroy everything. However, I've returned his
things back to him. I'm trying to be as amicable
as possible because I'm aware that we will have to
go through a divorce process and don't want to be
seen as a rational How are his victims? How much
support have you all been given? Had anyone bained you?

(16:22):
Nobody has explicitly blamed me, or at least they haven't
told me that the victims aren't doing great. To be honest,
luckily they have all been able to have psychological help,
and they also have liaisons with the police. I have
had to be proactive with my own support. I wasn't
referred by the police for any victim support. I have
to say, this is incredibly brave for you to turn

(16:43):
him in and now be so candid about it. Thank you.
Have you been in touch with the victim's family? How
are they reacting to you? There is some speculation that
pedophilia is a sexual orientation and as such there is
no way to fix these abuses. What are your thoughts
on that? I have to say This is incredibly brave
for you to turn him in and now be so

(17:04):
candid about it. Thank you, Thank you. I find talking
about it helps and appreciate that it's not an every
day occurrence, so people may find it interesting. Have you
been in touch with the victim's family. How are they
reacting to you? Yes? I have. They are very grateful
for what I have done and have been very supportive
of me. We have pulled together during this hard time.

(17:25):
There is some speculation that pedophilia is a sexual orientation,
and as such there is no way to fix these abuses.
What are your thoughts on that. I personally believe that
it is a sexual preference, like a fetish. However, there
is a difference between acting on those urges and not
People can do things to satisfy these urges, for example
ralh playing without harming children. I know that people can

(17:48):
also go to therapy for these feelings, as there could
be reasons for this fetish, for example, something happening during
puberty which has caused the attraction. I believe that acting
on those urges and having sex with a child or
consuming child pornography hurts innocent children and is not acceptable.
I am by no means a professional, and have no
sources to back up these opinions. Though did he ever

(18:11):
direct any abuse toward you, only psychologically After hearing the
testimony of the children, I personally believe that I was
groomed by him when I was younger, and he has
emotionally manipulated me over the years. Roe you made it
to the end, You're a ducking beast. I'll cast you
a deal smash. I can subscribe for more curated content.

(18:32):
Right it's free and that's a great price.