Dr. Raquel Martin: The questions to ask before dating, dating when you're healthy not healing & more

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Say you're consistently like thirsty and someone just tells you
to drink water. That's helpful right for the moment, But
no one's taking the time to think about like why
do I can see? Why have I been dehydrated for weeks?
What would you tell For people who are out here
dating or they want relationship, they want partnership, what are
three questions they should be asking in the dating process.
Everyone deserves to engage with a happy and healthy you, right, Like,

(00:24):
when I think about health and wellness, it's not like
an individualistic thing, it's a community thing. A big thing
I see with black men is not recognizing when they're
being treated poorly, like only for what they can provide tangibly.

(00:44):
Welcome to Vought Empower's talks. So we don't just scratch
the surface, we dive deep into the lives of some
of the world's most influential change makers. I'm your host,
Brandy Harvey. Y'all, My Internet friend has come to join
me today. She is my ig friend. Doctor or Raquel
Martin is a licensed clinical psychologist and an assistant professor
at Tennessee State University, where she trains the next generation

(01:08):
of culturally competent clinicians. Doctor Martin has been featured in
Forbes and recognized by the Boris L. Hinson Foundation as
a mental health leader who is reshaping the way we
talk about racial trauma, identity, and healing. With credentials to
span across more than twenty states via side pack, doctor
Martin brings a unique blend of academic rigor, clinical expertise,

(01:29):
and a real world compassion. She's the creator of Burned
the Cape, a transformative group program dismantling the toxic belief
that strength requires silence, especially for black women. Whether she's
leading research on black identity development or dropping truth bombs
on Instagram, doctor Martin shows up to disrupt, deconstruct, and
deliver healing. Vaughdenpower's Talk's Welcome wife, mother, psychologist, professor and

(01:53):
disruptor Doctor Rakeel Martin to the show. Thank you. That's
nothing really good. I mean, hey, hey, ig friend, it's
in person. Now. We saw each other too with those
really good What were they? The spring rolls? Spring rolls?
Week after you were like, you're eating this yonger thinking
about them spring rolls. They were so good. Listen, this

(02:15):
is when ig friends that you meet on Instagram. Right
that y'all are following each other, you connect on Instagram
and then you actually do a real in person meet up. Yeah,
it's way more fun. That's what social media is supposed
to be. Are supposed to connect and not just supposed
to be like creepers and hot tapes and stuff like that.
Like when it's good this, you meet people. The whole
point of it. You meet people and you have great

(02:36):
conversation over dinner. And I was like, okay, we I'm
not going to ask you too many questions when I
was at dinner. I was like, I mean I got
to save some of this for the interview. Like I
did say that, but I have to say. I mean,
you just be having your way on Instagram. Yeah, I
kind of just like, you know, I gotta okay. So
you know, some people are content creators for like that's

(02:57):
their whole job. And I'm more so like a doctor
creates content. So I'm just gonna do what i want
to do. It's not like I'm not gonna lose my license.
I'm just sitting here giving free game. So I just
talk about what I want to talk about, and the
stuff that irritates me. I'm gonna talk about that too.
Just keep going talk about the stuff that irritates you. Misinformation, oversimplifications,

(03:17):
I don't like hot takes, foolishness, what else, people who
don't state their actual credentials. Yeah, and then people just
don't acknowledge that. Sometimes stuff just sucks, you know, like
people will really oversimplify things and be like, you know,
just cut that person off, and I'm like, well, you
know or not, you know, maybe just see how you can.

(03:39):
We got to a point where people can't handle any
realm of discomfort and they think for their mental health.
It's like, oh, we'll just dip out on that person.
And I'm like, oh, okay, so you think they're the
problem when you're the problem. Yeah. I can't stand that
people simplify stuff way too much. Mental health is grey,
Like there's no black or white in it. My husband's
account and his world is very much black or white chill,

(04:00):
but like we're people are not that way. Yeah, I
mean there are so many things you give your take on.
Quite a few videos that come across you know that
you come across online. One in particular, and this was
one that I was like, oh, I've got to bring
it up. You know, there was an episode of the

(04:21):
Dear Future WiFi podcast. Shout out to Latira's He is
a friend of the show. He's been on the show before,
and there was a couple yeah on his show, yeah
that the woman said she was graced by God to
really endure quite a bit of pain and suffering at
the hands of her husband. She was ironing his clothes

(04:43):
to go see his side check. Yeah, she was being abused.
I don't know if she's still being abused, but everything
she named in her scenario is perfect example of like
emotional abuse. Yeah. Yeah, I mean when you did your
breakdown of this, I mean this sparked quite the conversation
because even later you all end up doing a live yeah,
because I like, okay, so we you have platforms and

(05:06):
people are sharing information, and his platform has a lot
of individual like a lot of believers and people who
are looking for partnership and looking to this for an example.
And when you have this kind of platform, you also
think that the people that they bring onto the show
are meant to be an example. Like I'm bringing on
individuals who are what you're looking for, like happy and
healthy marriages. So to put this, this broady, like the

(05:28):
significant example of emotional abuse, which was shrouded in like
spiritual guidance and all that on such a huge platform.
It was incredible, Like it was just it was harmful.
And I typically, like I go back and forth with
like what I comment on because I have two children,
like I don't. I typically just post like a bunch
of mental health stuff, but I miss out on stuff

(05:52):
that's like live. But that one just kept coming up,
and like everyone kept sharing it, and I'm like, surely
you know how people share the worst clips, And I'm like,
surely it's just a clip. It was the entire said
you went and watched them. I watched the whole thing.
I had to pause so many times. Yeah, I was
just like, all right, we only got like twenty minutes left.
We can do it. We can do this. It was

(06:12):
really bad. It was the whole thing. It wasn't just
a clip, Like, it wasn't just one of those moments
where people chose like the worst thing. They chose one
of the many bad things that was said during it. Yeah,
I really want to lean into this conversation because you
talked about even like the people who tune into a
show like that, they are looking for a Christian relationship.
They're looking for a relationship that's kind of steeped in faith.

(06:35):
And so I'm sure that with the people that you
see in practice, you're coming across a lot of Black
women who are you know, they're held by quite a
sum of beliefs that maybe keeping them stuck, maybe keeping
them stagnant, or maybe be keeping them in relationships that

(06:57):
don't serve them. Yeah, And I would say that's for
black men too, right, Like, even a big thing I
see with black men is not recognizing when they're being
treated poorly, like only for what they can provide tangibly
and then not generally. But there are a lot of
internalized beliefs for black women about what they deserve that
might be holding them back lack of recognition. But the

(07:20):
thing with difference with most of the black men and
black women I've seen is we're more so allowed to
show our emotions. We've had more time to think that
it's healthy to process our emotions. But black men is
not that, Like, they're not allowed to have emotions discuss
them most of the time from childhood, so it's really
difficult for them to even acknowledge that the emotions are

(07:40):
present and then to build a relationship with someone and
you have to have some aspect of vulnerability and transparency.
It's like you're being asked to do something that's never
been considered healthy or okay for like black men. It's like, okay,
so I'm an adult now and you want me to
share my emotions. But as like a black man, I've
never been told that that's okay, So I'm just supposed
to know how to do it. It's like walking into

(08:01):
it and intermediate French and then being surprised, like what
you mean you don't speak French. It's like, it's my
first day. It's my first day. What's the patty label? Saw?
I can tell you this is it? But that's kind
of like the expectation, and it's it's tough because like

(08:23):
it's and we're also dealing with black people, so like
we're in a relationship where many of us have been
harmed by the other end. It's just like, I know
we're still a community, but people just get rightfully justifiably
upset and it just goes into this whole thing. And
then when it comes to the church, the church is
such a big tenant, like spirituality and faith is such
a big thing within the black community that we look

(08:44):
to these individuals as leaders, Like we've always looked to
individuals and faith as leaders in our homes and our
communities and civil rights. So to see something so toxic
put on such a huge platform, because that's a huge platform,
like very very big. It's just like people are going
to think this is a appropriate. Someone who's getting treated
the same way is gonna think, oh, well, I was

(09:04):
graced by God. Yeah, Like maybe I need to tough
it out. Someone who may have been considering leaving may think, well,
they've been that that happened when they were in their
twenties and they're in their fifties now, so maybe I
just need to stick it out. Like you, I understand
everyone's not a clinician, but you gotta have some sense now,
Like there's no way you thought that that was okay? Yeah,
what are the things that you were saying when you

(09:24):
are encountering us from a cultural standpoint of black people?
Because you you love black people, you should black people, baby,
you black blackly black black, black black. Okay, it's my
favorite people. I like everybody else. But it's just it's
just not equal, you know what I'm saying and that's okay.
I'm just gonna be honest, you know. So when you're

(09:45):
seeing that so many people coming in I'm sure sitting
across from you, and they have these beliefs that have
been a part of their you know, their upbringing. We
talk about this obedience, or we talk about this long suffering.
What are you seeing that You're like, hey, I want
you to start rethinking and reframing these things. I think

(10:09):
that one of the best things about therapy is you
get to like slow down and have someone on the
outside actually show you that this is like an unhealthy
thought process or it's like a pattern because a lot
of times we can be surrounded by individuals who were
going through the same thing. So what's happening around us,
Like everyone who's having these thoughts about I'm only what
I can provide, And you know, it's okay to be

(10:30):
treated poorly. Everyone's getting treated that way. So it's normalized.
But normalized and healthy isn't the same thing, right, So, Like,
I think it's helpful to have someone who's objective, who
can be on the outside looking in, who has no
stake in the game, like, you know, I'm really just
a collaborate on helping you reach your goals to be
Like I have you noticed a pattern when you know
people try to get closer to you all of a sudden,
like there's justification to never see them again, or have

(10:52):
you noticed, say a lot of women come in with
these thoughts that they need to keep going and going
and going, even when it's like unsustainable stripe, even though
there's signs that like you're about to break down, and
you still justify it. So, like, do you have any
appropriate examples of like individuals who didn't push through the pain,
who didn't turn their pain into productivity, who didn't bottle
things up? And it's just like, oh no, I've never

(11:14):
had that. It's just like all of the women in
my family like that. I'm like, yeah, it's normalizing all
the women in your family, but it's not healthy. Yeah, right,
So it's really helpful to be able to have someone
to slow it down and try to do more of
like root work. So I specialize in Black health and
well being, and I think a lot of times people
will see clinicians and they maybe don't look like them
or they've been trained differently, and they do a lot

(11:36):
of branch work. Which I consider is just like okay,
so let's do some breathing exercises, let's do some journaling,
which can get to the root at times, But the
difference between branch work and root work is more so
like say you're consistently like thirsty and someone just tells
you to drink water. That's helpful right for the moment,
but no one's taking the time to think about, like
why do I can see? Why have I been dehydrated

(11:56):
for weeks or months? Right? Like you can't just drink
the water. You also have to be like, well, let's
also get to the reason why I was dehydrated in
the first place. With the black community, there's a lot
of like internalized limiting beliefs. There's a lot of things
that are normalized that are inappropriate. It's really hard for
us to create a life for ourselves or healthy relationships
that we haven't seen up close. So we're doing so

(12:19):
much additional work, and then half the time it's not
even being acknowledged. So we're still getting told to just like, oh, well,
your peer over here was able to drink water and
they were fine, so you should be able to drink
water and be fine and be like, right, my roots
go like ten times deeper. So that's why the water's
not getting to where it needs to. Right, Just drink
the water, like it'll be fine. Right. So, Like most
of the time we're upending just internalized beliefs that we

(12:42):
see in media or that we've seen from people like
you know, strong black women tropes, or black men not
showing emotions they're weak, or even all the stuff in
media about like men not showing up for their families
and stuff like that. Like me ingests this stuff and
it's always out there. It's so I'm like, I'm around
black dads every day. I have more minim my life

(13:04):
than women, you know, like showing up for their children. Like,
we have to stop this. But it's intentional though, because
we're not the ones. We're not the ones creating the messages,
but we are on the end of it and we're
the ones ingesting it. Right, Like a lot of times
I'll talk about limiting beliefs and internalized oppression and stuff
like that, but it had to be injected first, Right.
So you think about vaccines, vaccine gets injected to you

(13:26):
and the vaccine is in your body. It's the same
thing with all of these beliefs. It's the same thing
with these stereotypes and tropes, like they had to come
from somewhere. It's not the fact that we have so
many amazing messages and we go through the past the
amazing messages and we hold onto the negative one. They
have been putting this out in media and film and cartoons,
in books, medical journals, medical journal science has used this

(13:47):
a way to uphold all of these, you know, this
falsification of we have thicker skin and we feel painless, right,
And that's been happening for generation and generation and generation.
So in order for us to get to a healthier place,
it takes so much more, Like we have to be
more intentional about it. We didn't have to be. You know,
these messages came at us from all ends. We have
to avoid them, but we have to be intentional about
building things that disparage that. So most of the time

(14:10):
I'm working on like it's way more deep work, Like
where'd the messages come from? When was the first time
you noticed that you thought the rest was guilty? When
was the first time you thought that you deserved less
just simply because of I don't know, the way you
looked or the fact that your skin was darker. When's
the first time you felt that your hair the way
a grut of your head wasn't professional. When's the first
time you believe that, like if you are vulnerable with someone,

(14:32):
they're going to leave you, Like you really have to
get to the root of it, or you're just you
just drinking water like it's not gonna do anything. Youre
gonna be thirty tomorrow, yeah, instead of being like, well,
you know, maybe I also need to do other things
to be less dehydrated and then I won't have to
have twenty seven thousand ounces a day. But it's a
lot more root work when it's working with black people
because we don't realize how much we take in. I mean,

(14:53):
I want you to go back because you said something
that really suck out to me. You said the pain.
We have repackaged pain as purpose, yeah, and productivity and productivity. Yeah,
pain and productivity. And I think so many of us
have adapted to that belief that I just keep going yeah,
and if I don't do it, no, it's not gonna
get done. And who's going to actually do it? I

(15:15):
gotta be the one. Yeah, And now that pain is feeling, well, well,
look at how busy I am. I have so much
on my calendar. I have so much to do, and
we're really dying on the inside. We are because the
thing is, we're very good at adapting. And this isn't
a bad thing like this, it's it's it's not the
fact that like stresses the silent killer. It's not that

(15:36):
because you know everything. It's it's never been silent. We
silence it like you silence the back pain, you silence
the exhaustion, you silence the negative thought. You just adapt
it because you think you have to keep moving and
you think that there's going to be just this light
at the end of the tunnel. And most of the
time I tell my clients, because I can't be serious
more than ten minutes, I tell my clients like, yeah,
maybe that light at the end of the tunnel is
a train. Maybe it is a train, maybe it could

(15:58):
maybe it could be the sun. But also it could
be a trade. You know. You get to the end
and you keep thinking like the next I'll celebrate after this,
or I'll rest after this, or I have to earn
that rest, and then it never comes, and then you
get that goal and it's not fulfilling, or you add
something else. It's really hard for us to acknowledge our
wins because we just be like, oh, I was supposed
to achieve that, or you push the goal post back,

(16:20):
like we're very good at adapting. And when you overwork
and you turn that pain into productivity and you ignore it,
it's really it's easier to miss out on the signs
that things are going wrong. There's a reason why black
women are more society like we what are we? Eighty
sixty seventy percent are likely to have autoimmune disorders, which
is literally the body attacking itself. Yeah, you know, we
call it the caretaker like disease. When I was talking

(16:43):
with Gary Breca, like because it's affected most caretakers. Yeah,
caregivers are affected by autoimmune disease because they're outpouring to
everybody else. And it's like when people say, like who
else is going to do it? I don't know. Maybe
someone else will learn how to do it, maybe it
won't get done, but like there are times when it's

(17:04):
just like, well, nobody else can do it, and that
means it's not getting done because I'm not gonna do
it or someone else can learn how to do it.
But it's also how many times do we also kind
of make this environment perfect for that? Right? Like I've
worked with parents and we talk about default parenting right when,
Like it's just like a lot of times the mom
is the default parent, Like she's the first call, She's
all this, and I'm like, Okay, well, what if you

(17:25):
let your partner do it, Well, they gonna do it wrong? Okay,
what if you let them call the number, Well, they're
not gonna know where to find it, all right? What
if you let them make the lunch? Will they not
gonna know what they like? Right? Right? Mm hmm. So
you just like this, You just like being the only person, right, Like,
that's how you get into the default parenting role versus
being like for my boys, I always call it the

(17:47):
big one, a little what I got six year old,
three year old. I'm responsible for getting the big one
too from school and all his medical appointments. My husband
is responsible for the little one and getting all his
medical appointments. We have a shared calendar, so at any time,
either one of us can look at this calendar and
see who's the doctor and all of that if they
if somebody is calling me at school and I'm busy,

(18:07):
the secondary calls my husband. I even say, if you
can't reach me, call my husband. That's the other number
one there. Maybe he doesn't make dinner the exact way
that I want. But they ate. Yeah, you know, like yeah,
it's we we when we think of we have to
think about the way we do things, like okay, so
no one else is gonna do it. They're not gonna
do it the way I want it done. It's just
not it's just not gonna get done right, Like we

(18:29):
we're holding on to the range, and then we wonder
why no one has to help, and it's just like, well,
last time, I actually you know how, let you get it.
It's it's it's it's it's very typical, and it's just
it's it's it's just pain repurpose because it also lets
you avoid all of the issues. If you're working to
the point of being exhausted, you don't realize how many
negative beliefs you have during the day. You don't realize

(18:50):
you don't have anything outside of work. I've also found
that for a lot of people overworking and doing all
that stuff and work, sometimes you feel like it's the
only good thing. You're the only thing you're good at, right,
Like you may not have other relationships, you may not
have other hobbies, your family may be crumbling, but at work,
you know you're good. Like you know you get to
complete the tasks, you're consistently getting praised, So you focus

(19:11):
on this one environment instead of trying to build up
the other ones. And I think that's pretty typical. Like
as a mom, there were times when I'm just like, man,
I ain't doing nothing right. But I can go on
the stage wonderful, Well, we love you, that's fantastic. I
go home pancakes again. It's like, I'm where's my bag? Somebody,
somebody can put on the stage. I'm getting out of here,
you know what I'm saying. But like, that's it's understandable

(19:32):
that sometimes you feel like the work is the only
environment that you do well at, so you lean into
that instead of trying to improve other aspects of yourself.
And that's just a trap, because you should be caring
for yourself first. I mean we all every I know,
everybody who's listening is either seeing themselves in this conversation
or someone close to them that they know, right, because
I know shout out to my mother, Marsha, because she

(19:54):
is the queen of I gotta do it my mother
as well, And I say this ends with me. I
can't die. I don't want to do it. I don't
want to I don't want this. I said the same thing.
I was like, oh, hell nah. I'm like my grandmother
got her running on two wheels half the time, you know,
because she is a caretaker for my grandmother. So she is,

(20:15):
you know, making sure her clothes get washed, her this
and that happened at the house, managing if she has
any projects at the house, all of these different things.
And it's like, well, why can't somebody else, Like why
can't you just let well, Chris can't do it, you know, her,
her brother, my uncle. And I'm just like, you don't
let him try. Yeah, you don't let him try to

(20:36):
do it. I have no interest. Yeah I want to
kick it. I don't like It'll be so many times
when people will be like, oh, you know, I used
to get all the time, Well your husband okay, with
the children, couldn't tell you. I have a cult. I'm
going for days, I'm assuming and then if there's an emergency,
I mean, I'm not the Avengers. You should probably take
me to the hospital, you know what I'm saying. So

(20:56):
I'm just like, you mean, tell me the other person
who only other person probably loves them as much as me.
I'm not supposed to trust them with this person with
their children. Yeah, I don't know. And it was hard
to get to that place anyway. I would literally be
backing out the car, backing out for it, Like he's like,
you need a break crying, But I would just back
up and cry, and the I would still go. Like
people who feel guilty about resting feel guilty still do it. Yeah.

(21:18):
I used to just be like I shouldn't be leaving
my children. I cried for like five minutes, and then
it got to four, and then it got to three,
and then I was running out the door in my shoes,
you know, Like you can still do it when you
feel guilty in the first place. Like I think there's
this thing of us just not really knowing how to
deal with the discomfort. It's like, oh, yeah, I feel
bad about it, but everyone deserves to engage with a

(21:40):
happy and healthy you, right, Like when I think about
health and wellness, it's not like an individualistic thing it's
a community thing. No one should have to deal with
me when I'm tired or when I'm hungry and when
I'm irritated. I don't want that for you. It's best
for all involved, everybody, So like, leave me alone, let
me go out and take ten fifteen minutes. And I
think that's what people forget. And then you have individuals

(22:00):
who don't understand that, like irritability that they wake up
with it's actually like either depression or anxiety or you're
just significantly unhappy. They think it's their personality trait, like
I'm always irritable, and it's like that's not true, Like
none of us operate that way. You're not caring for yourself,
and this is the way it's coming out. Yeah, some
of y'all sellib it and don't need to be I

(22:23):
don't know, it just felt like the time to say it.
Some of y'all irritable because it's a thing you need,
you need a release. Well. I will also say I
told I told one of my younger clients I sawd her,
I was like, you need to eat some fiber and
drink some water because I genuinely think to just stomach
hurt because you just always irritable. You eat trash, y'all
also full of fiber. Because I feel like, are you okay, No,

(22:48):
you had a banana? You don't like you just all
like it is tacky's tacky. So I'm just like, that's
why you You just go sit drink something, drink some water. Girl.
I think I think you just you just stop. It's
wrong with you. Just what is wrong? Man's see? I
mean I really want you because you talked about your son,
she talked about your husband, and even when you and

(23:09):
I went out to dinner. I love the conversation of
how you met your husband and these two, these two
boys that are like bundles of joy for you. Yeah
they're super rough though. Yeah they they be lit. Yeah, yeah,
your kids be lit. The soldiers man, they are they
in the background in the video she doing a video.
You can hear them talking and I'd be like, mom, mom,

(23:35):
yeah she's not listening. But you you talked at dinner,
which I was like, okay, we got to discuss this
on the show because you talked a lot about the
cultural norms that we have been used to and we say,
oh I turned out fine. You know, the person telling
you trash. You know, I turned you know, I turned

(23:58):
out fine. I randomly attacked people online and you know,
I haven't been in a good relationship since the nineteen hundreds,
So I'm fine. And it's just like, right right, I
can see that you screaming at me right now. It's
totally normal. You do not scream at your children, not
yell at your children. You do not cuss at your children. No,
do not hit your children. No. Well, and I try,

(24:19):
I try really hard not to raise my voice. I
definitely raise my voice this week. But in my defense,
they lost their minds. And honestly, I work on it
every single day because I also apologize to my children.
So it's even more it's more annoying to me when
I raise my voice because I'm likeugh, now I got apology,
because that's not the kind of family we are. Carly

(24:40):
is so good, My sister's so good to apologizing. Yeah,
because I want them to understand that, like, everyone makes mistakes.
Like so when we get into this realm up. And
this is also like with therapy psychology, you have people
who will be like they're perfectionists or they just really
struggle with attachment to stuff like that. And perfectionism is
just anxiety. It's just a fear, and when you get

(25:02):
to the root of it, that's the only way that
you can break it down. You kind of get got
to get to the fear's like, oh, I want this
assignment to be perfect. Oh why Oh, because I want
to do a good job. Oh okay, good job and
perfect are at the same But continue, like what happens
if it's not perfect? Well then maybe I'll say somebody
will say something negative, okay, whatever, and then what does
that mean? Well, then maybe they'll think I don't I
don't belong here, belong at the job. It's like oh yeah,

(25:22):
And a lot of times the black people is like, yeah,
I'm like the only black person. Oh okay. So your
fear is like the age ol stereotype that like you
somebody just gave you this job and stuff like that.
That's why you think it has to be perfect. So
it's not actually like you want it to be good.
You just don't want anyone to think that you don't
deserve to be there. That's the root, right, And if
you don't address the stereotypes that contribute to that thought,

(25:42):
it is a matter I off, it's perfect and also
perfection is not humanity, right, Like it's another way of
dehumanizing black people. So if we operate in a world
where people were children, especially black children, understand that everybody
makes mistakes, even grown ups, and no one has the
right to treat you poorly, Like I want them to
be so steep and like accountability and compassion that anytime

(26:04):
they go into an environment where it's not that there
are signals off, right, because that's all we're doing is
like we're building their little like alarm system. So if
they're in a system where people raise their voice, they're like,
oh oh oh, my mom will talk to me like this.
You must to lost your mind. Yeah no I can't.
I'm not going to take this job or where people
aren't accountable for their actions. Like what you mean you
don't have to apologize just because you you the boss. No,

(26:25):
that's my mom apologized. I mean you like you really
you're just building their little alarm systems and also raising
your voice. It just seems unnecessary. It just seems unnecessary.
And this is from like East Coaster. I'm a very
aggressive person and like most even with me, like I'm
a I'm a loud person, anyway. Like my husband's from
down South and he's like very, like very At one

(26:46):
point I think he was just like you always just loud,
I sure am, I sure am, what you know, but
like it's just not necessary. And also it freaks them out. Yeah,
it does. They get scared and like that it's the
last thing I want, and they start to shrink and
they have less of their voice, and once again, like
we're we need to build their alarm system. And especially

(27:07):
when it comes to black youth, you really they need
to get they have to get used to being able
to advocate for themselves, because black youth get challenged and
pushed and treated differently than anybody else. And I want
them to understand that, like nobody has to right their
treat you wrong. Like a lot of times black parents
will do this operation of like the world is tough,
so I'm going to be tougher. Yeah, And I always

(27:27):
say like, oh, the world is tough, so I'm going
to be a safe space to land for my children.
Because if it's one thing that every black person can agree,
it's the fact that we don't get treated the way
that we should be treated. So why would we mirror
that in our homes, you know. Like, so it's just
it's a lot of us were parented out of obedience,
and I parent out of respect, right Like, obedience builds relationship,

(27:48):
where obedience builds resentment. It's compliance. You know, respect builds relationships.
But it's exhausting. You know, you raise the child and
you let them know that their voice matters. You never
gonna not hear that. Baby always hear that. Yeah, I
see that with my nephew. My god, I be like,
he has a voice, and baby he can't use it.

(28:08):
Oh my god. Yeah. Like, and it's easier, right Like,
it's it's not difficult to make children like comply. It's
not difficult to make children fear you. It's not really hard.
We're bigger than them. They depend on us for everything. Wow. Really,
people will be like the whole I don't know if
they call it gentle parenting. I just treat my children
like humans. But they'll be like, that's weak. But it's
just like, well, no, you think it's weak to be
hearing questions twenty seven thousand times a day, or you

(28:30):
think is weaker to like as soon as you get frustrated,
tell your child to shut up and pop them like
it's more so your regulation. Right. Children are supposed to
be inquisitive, they supposed to ask questions, they supposed to
be annoying. It just is, you know, they're amazing, but
they're also irritating. That's just life. You know. Children are annoying.
People are annoying. I'm sure I annoy my husband. He
better not even tell me. I'm sure I know him.

(28:51):
Like people are just that's what it's like being in
community with other people. Like you're going to get you
have to have some kind of frustration tolerance. But like
the goal of parenting is like you regulate yourself and
then you co regulate your child. People are hitting their
children because their children are loud and you're you know,
you you can't take a breath and calm down with them,
so you pop them and then you just end up
being fearful of them. But ultimately it's because you probably

(29:13):
had a bad day. That's a you thing. Or your
child is like selfish. Children are ego centric, like what
else are they going to be? Or they won't stop
hitting their children. They won't stop hitting their siblings, so
you hit them, you know, like every time I'd be
like just to just to confer. Just confirmed they were
hitting someone else, correct, yes, so you hit them and
said don't hit right right right right? Yes, So we

(29:40):
will have to look into delusions for you, because that's
just absurd. Man. I'll be like, right, and you're mad
because they're too loud, right and you so you screamed
at them to be quiet? Correct? Cool? Cool, Cool, It's
totally reasonable. I can't imagine they're modeling your behavior. It's
just absurd. But it does take, it does take more.
Like I total, it is easier to pop them and

(30:02):
stuff like that, but I really want my children to
have like a voice and to understand that they can
advocate for themselves and we're gonna be their most salient relationship.
So if they can go toe to toe with me
and not rudely, but like asking questions, and they can
do that with anyone, because we're not gonna be with
them like. So, I really think we need to think
about you know, it's parenting out our respect and that's
how we end up being in community with each other too.

(30:22):
So like people get parented, they can't express themselves. They
hold it all in. It starts from childhood. That's why
some of us have issues in the first place. But no,
it's exhausting. They don't stop talking. It's crazy, Like they
question stuff that I would have I would never Like
one time we were at a store and my son
was like, oh, do they have cars here? And I'm like, oh,
I don't think they have cars here, and he's like, okay,

(30:44):
I'm going to ask the person who works here if
they have cars here. And I'm like, oh, okay, you're right.
I don't work here. But let me tell you something.
If my grandma had told me they had no cars,
there was that, right, you know, versus me being like, yeah,
that's a good point. I don't work here, and we
should all get their boys. We should all get young men.
I don't want to, you know, generalize, but sometimes people

(31:06):
have difficulty asking for directions or asking for help. I
also want them to get used to being able to
ask for help and it not being like the end
of the world. Because our thing is like if you
don't have a question, if you don't know the answer
to something, ask instead of just like making a mistake.
We got a bunch of stuff in the house. If
you don't know answer this question the answer. Ask. We
always have to ask questions. You have to try first

(31:28):
and you can't always win, but you can always have fun.
So like everything's a choice, right, Like some things are
I always say, like stop giving me answers when I
didn't ask you a question, like if I just told
you to do something, and it's just like, oh, well,
I was thinking, Oh I didn't ask you a question.
I said you needed to pick that up. You know
I did that seem like I had a question mark.
No cool, just do it right. But some things will

(31:50):
be choices, right, So it's like everything is a you
may not want to go, we're still going, but you
can choose to have fun or you could choose to
be grumpy. But either way, I need you to in
the car in five minutes. Yeah, yeah, I love that.
I think too. When we were having a conversation before
one of things, you said you and your husband give
each other the out right of like being able to

(32:12):
take a break, Like he's like, we call it tap out,
like we literally be like I'm out, I've met my
limit on this child. Yeah. I don't think that sometimes
women understand that they can have that if they're in
a partnership with someone in a marriage relationship, you're co parenting,
they may not feel like they have that ability to

(32:33):
tap out. But and with that, I'm like, so what's
the point of this person being here, right, because I
mean we're all pretty fully functioning people. I can do
I can do many things by myself. I have no
interest in it, right, So, like, if you're not going
to contribute to like making my life easier, because that's
to me, it's great to have somebody there with you

(32:54):
in a relationship, but honestly, the goal is for you
to make my life easier. That's it. Like whether it's
making my life easier because you listen to me and
I feel like I have a sounding board. Whether it's
making my life easier because I wash the dishes and
you dry them, or I cook and you grill. Whether
it's making my life easier because I don't have to
be on the clock with the with the boys all
the time. That's the whole purpose of a relationship is

(33:15):
to contribute to like to build a partnership and build
skills together. So if I don't get that in a relationship,
I mean I could do this myself, you know. And
then also like have one week and have wee week
off make more money, hire a nanny. I mean, what's
the point if it doesn't contribute. I just find no
purpose to it. And always being very open about that.
When my husband were dating. Mind you, we've been together forever.

(33:38):
I was very intentional about like talking about everything. We
talked about kids before we were together for a couple
of years, Like we've been together for I'm thirty six.
We got to say that. I was twenty, got married
seven years in. He took forever. Anytime, listen, I will
never let it go. I don't care. I don't care.

(34:00):
I know you're rolling your eyes. I don't care. It's
crazy you said this, you said, Brandy, he took forever.
I bring it just brings me back, like are you okay?
It was that whole man thing of will we got
you know, I gotta make sure I have things situated.
We about to buy a man chain, Like what are
you talking about? We live, we live in a nice apartment.
Calm down, just give me my ring, Like you know,
it's just so and that's the way they're brought up though,

(34:22):
right like sure you yeah, you said he took forever,
but seven years he's been a stand up guy the
entire time. Yeah, yeah, he's been a stand up guy.
I'm still alloud to be mad though. Yeah, but I
love the fact that you all tap out like you basically,
I look, I can't, I gotta And you all tell

(34:43):
each other too, like you need to take a minute,
you need to. Yeah, because our fresholds are different for
different things too, Like sometimes Brandon just they'll be he'd
be like, oh, have they been crying for twenty minutes?
I don't know what it is. It's just like and
plus as when our bodies like respond to it, like
at one point, like my heart rate is increasing, like
I in the beginning, I'm cool with it. Now they
cry and be like, sounds like you're having a tough moment.

(35:05):
Let me know if I can help. Yeah, it sounded
like Nellie and Lashanti, Well no, because my husband helps.
That's crazy. And you know what, whatever works for you,
whatever works for you. I don't know if that does
work for you. I can't imagine, but you know, I

(35:26):
don't have any openings. So but like I can't imagine
because like yeah, but no, like so for him, I
don't know what it is for him, maybe like constant
asking questions. He's not a ridiculous talker, but he also
married a talker who produced two talkers. Yeah thats for
his life. Yeah, an accountant, he is not gonna be
doing too much talking. Nah, So like that for him,

(35:47):
Like sometimes, you know, versus me, I'll be like, I
don't know. At two am, I don't know, let's see
tomorrow what the answer is. I love it right, So
that might be it for him. For me, Uh, they're
a little rough. Uh, So there's that. And there are
times when I just want to read. I really just
like reading. When you walked it away your mom, I
just want to read. So I rolled up on you

(36:08):
reading a book. You were like, well you were in
an uber coming to me for dinner. You're like, it
gives me a chance to read my book. I just
want to read, literally get to you know. My job
is being smart, so I want to do good at
my job, you know. So like sometimes it's just like
taking a moment back when it comes to that. But
we kind of just like tap out and he'll just
say when he needs a moment, which is rare, thank goodness,

(36:30):
versus me being like, yeah, I know I needed a
moment ten minutes ago. I still need another motment and
not feeling guilty for that, and I feel like I'm
being judged for that, especially as a mom, because like
we get a lot of messages about parenthood, and I
think it used to be my fear that he would
be like, oh, you know, just not the not the
best mom. But he would just be like, man, if
you need a minute, take ten, ain't got none, like
leave they're insane up. So just being with someone who

(36:52):
honestly makes it easier so I can enjoy being a
parent in the way that i'm a I'm a parent
because I do think it's it's different then. I don't know,
maybe some other people do it. Like people are really like, oh,
you just told them you wanted to leave. Oh yeah,
I'm in a car. I same text, like a I'm out,
like I don't know what's going on, but they've been
tripping all day. It's like, oh, yeah, I feel you. Well,

(37:12):
let me know when you get back, you know, and
being open now it's not every five seconds, but feeling
comfortable enough to say I need a minute and not
thinking it makes me look like a bad mother. It's
kind of like everything you know, there's a relationships supposed
to make it easier for you. If it's not making
it easier for you, dip and that's doctor's orders. Like
that's the whole point, because you could be alone once

(37:34):
you get to know yourself, well, it's amazing, Like you know,
being alone. We were talking about you love your place.
It's got to be somebody has to be quality. I mean,
to get you out of the home that you have,
like built top tier, you like, and that's what the
standard should be. And I think that's why some people
struggle in relationships because women are also able to take
more time to build themselves. It's normalized. I think more

(37:55):
than men are doing this more now too, But like
they'll think that they're being expected to, Oh, I'm expected
to provide you with the same lifestyle you provide yourself.
I don't think that's always the case, but you are expected.
You kind of got to contribute in some way because
I'm already a whole person, So like what are you
doing for me? And what am I doing for you?
To improve? Like to make their lives better. And that's

(38:16):
not always money. It could also be like I know
I can come home and just breathe, like I've been
working all day and like we can just be chill.
It's it's not always money, but I think it's tough
because women do get more allowances to like build and
acknowledge their emotions. And there's this whole thing now about
like men and what are they called it, like the
age of loneliness. And now if you have so many

(38:38):
people who are able to like provide for themselves, you
got to bring more than money. Like I got money.
It's kind of mine, you know, like you came in.
You see those artismals tho, those Egyptian sheets, you see,
I'm bout myself. So what you bring to me emotionally?
Because I got cash? Like we can always do cash,
But like, can I talk to you about my fears?
Can we grow as people? Are you going to be
able to think about long term relationships? Are you going

(38:59):
to be there to be able to walk me through
the grief of like losing relatives. Are you going to
be able to be there the grief of losing friendships?
Are you going to be able to be here for me?
It has to be more than money, because if you're
talking about long term relationships, we're getting older. These are
this is the person who's going to be able to
have to walk you through everything. Childbirth, which is if
you want children, which is intense, jobs, racism, public policy

(39:23):
ozone layer. I don't know, but like maybe they don't
send you flowers every week, but do they have integrity?
Like that's kind of the stuff you really got to
focus on because me and my husband are very different
but value wise, yeah, same values on certain things. He
does say I'm pretty radical when it comes to a
lot of things. But he's also from down south for
off of Philly, you know, like he's normal Philly, he's
normal Nashville. Like it's just like you know, you could

(39:47):
always I'm a burn it down person. So when we
look at family, what are some questions that any parent
could have in their arsenal that they could ask on
a daily, a weekly, kind of monthly check in with
their children or their family, their spouse. What are some
of those questions that are like tools that can really
help sharpen their tool kit? Who I always ask my

(40:10):
husband my son, like what made you laugh today? Like
what made you laugh today? And sometimes he'll say nothing,
and then I'll say something that made me laugh today,
and then I'll get into that, what's something new you learned?
Which is a is a pretty cool thing because that's
one of the cool things about parenting, Like you're literally
watching them learn something new for the first time. The
first time, my oldest learned how to do the peace sign,

(40:33):
and he doesn't like every pictures because it's like a
new skill. But it's so weird just knowing that, Like
at one point he didn't know how to do this
with his hand, so he does it in everything. What's
something that made you laugh? What's something new that you
learned today? What's a a what is it I like
to do the peak in the pit of the day,

(40:54):
like and the pit? Yeah, the peak and the pit,
like what was the high point of the day, what
was the low point of the day. And then honestly,
sometimes I'll just sit with them and do stuff and
he'll just talk. Right. I think one of the struggles
would be in a parent and by bobbies do this
all the time. Everything was a lesson, my god, Like, oh,
you know, it's this joke with black people like you

(41:14):
better depress them dishes my god, you know, like, oh
my goodness, bro, Like everything does not have to be
a lesson. Sometimes I'll just do activities with him, like
he likes coloring, so like I'll sit at the table
and color with him and he'll just talk about stuff
or do legos and stuff. And I think that's even
harder for black families because we have like pay gaps
and we're over here working significantly harder, and we're providing
the space for the children to have the house and

(41:35):
to have the things, and we don't get to spend
as much time with them, and they don't see it
as us providing them with that space. At one point,
my son was like, we didn't have milk, and he
was like, oh, can we you know, get milk? And
I was like, oh, no, I'm not. I'm not going
to the story of slate. And he said, well, can't
you just order the milk to come to the house.
And I said, I said, I can't just do anything.

(41:56):
But also like, you know, I'm not you know, it's like,
I'm not going to order it of milk, you know,
just to do that. And he's like, well, just just
use the money card and I said, just what are
you okay, what are you talking about? But it's also
part of that was on me because I do just
like I never talked to him. I don't talk to
him as much about money. I just wipe the card,
but the fact that he you know, he just use
the card. Yeah, just use the card. Like I think

(42:18):
we forget that they don't really realize how much we
do to like provide them with that space. But a
lot of times it's not even just about like asking
them things. It's really just like doing the things that
they enjoy, even if you don't enjoy them, like even
if they're not fun, Like I don't think you have
to play fifty minutes out the day or anything like that.
If I don't want to do something, I will tell
my son like I don't want to Like if I
have color for twenty minutes, I'm out, you know, like, oh,

(42:40):
I want you to do more, and it's like I'll
do more tomorrow, but now I want to read. And
I also want him to get accustomed to like it's
not my job, especially since you know he's a boy,
I feel a certain you know, you you know we
all dated that guy. He was a but heat. My
biggest fear is that someone will date my boys and
be like who raised you? Because everyone's had that moment
when you have dated someone and been like, who is

(43:02):
your mother, Like, how does she raise such an awful
person because you can't be the mom to be like, oh, well,
I ain't raised my child that way? Well, who did?
I would love to talk to them he's a monster,
you know, So like that's like my biggest fear. So
some of the things are very particular about like I
want him to understand the like if I don't want
to do something, you know, I shouldn't just have to
stop because of your comfort, right. I want him to

(43:25):
understand that, like everything isn't going to be about you, like,
oh you want to keep playing I don't want to, Yeah,
and normalize that. But it's also about just like spending
time with them, seeing the stuff that they like. You
don't have to enjoy it a thousand percent, but like
it creates a space for them to just like talk
because some of the children actually are not I think
there is a decrease in communication, not in my house,

(43:45):
but we also talk a lot in our house. But
I think you have to think about it as like
it doesn't always have to be a lesson. Just be
there with them and then when they randomly talk, you know,
don't make eye contact, you know, because then they'll know
that they're doing something. Well, you know, you just be
like right cool and you know, and then you you
call your family and be like, oh my god, yeah

(44:06):
he told me about his day. I didn't even have
to ask. Coincidentally, I do think that there's something going,
you know, I think something wrong in that school, but like,
good for you. Yeah, so just just be when I'm
doing some fun stuff with them. You're a professor a
TSU in Tennessee c. Yeah, and so although your children
are not gen Z, you work with gen Z. Yeah,

(44:27):
what are they Beta? So your your students though, areg
ur gen Z. Yeah, yeah, your students are gen Z
the Yeah. Yeah, So I want you to talk because
there's so many parents who are trying to communicate. They're
trying to learn all the they're trying to learn all the
hand movements. They trying to waste your time. They change

(44:49):
them every day. They're trying to learn the text, the
new texts, your message short shortenings. They're trying to learn
all the new everything. I'm trying to keep up. No,
my students call me old and one thing I will say,
one thing I will say, and mind you, I'm like
one of the youngest faculty members, which is in SAE
what like they're getting older, so they do have to learn, like,

(45:09):
you know, the way they communicate. But that's something all
of us had. For example, I think I told you
a story about like there was something that they named
and I didn't know what it was, and I didn't
know if it was a band or like a clothing thing.
And I was like, oh, is that like a band?
And they was like, oh my god, come on, doctor Martin.
And one of my favorite students, she was like, come on, y'all,

(45:30):
y'all know she old. Y'all have to explain stuff to her.
She don't know she's old. And I was like, exactly,
I am old, So just explain it to me, now.
Could you do that? You can't. You can't do that
with other people because they would be like, you know,
you got to learn how to talk to people and stuff,
and I'm just like, well, I'm just going to focus
on the fact that we have open communication instead of
the fact that you just viscerally insulted me. And I'm
just gonna like the fact that you can communicate with me.

(45:51):
But like a lot of times people will state that
like they don't talk. I've never had that issue. I
try to make it like a receptive space. Always have
snacks in my office. I also don't make everything a lesson.
Some things do have to be a lesson. The number
of times I have to talk about substance us is
absurd because they have way more access to it. So
even something as simple as like you know, you guys
all know the rules with like you know the impact

(46:14):
of substances. I was like, I don't need to repeat
that to you, but I will need to tell you,
Like you need to know who you're getting stuff from.
Like a lot of people literally have a conversation. Like
you know, people lay they stuff right, So like you
just met someone. It's a substance use all the time,
but you use that substance from someone you just met. Yeah,
I'm not gonna be after school special because you know
the effects of it. But like, don't smoke with everybody. Like, also,

(46:35):
people have germs. You know how much saliva goals. They
don't really roll up their stuff anymore, but you know
how much a liva goes into that thing? Yeah, and
that man brushes they don't even use mouth use mouthwash COVID.
I'm like you, oh, y'all COVID, you know, like so
trying to like meet them on their level. I have
conversations with them and letting them know that their voice matters,

(46:55):
and you know, trying to take deep breaths through when
they say something so absurd, I'm like, that sounds really dangerous.
I'll come back to that, Like, no, like maybe don't
get in the car with someone you were just doing
shots with in their minds, you know. But like right,
that party sounds fun, That's what's up. So just just
to go back, how many shots do that it said

(47:17):
person have before you got into the car? Cool? Cool?
So here's my number just in case you need a
ride somewhere. And I was on my students and the like,
you know, you have my cell phone number. Your parents
don't have to be the first call, but they will
be the second, you know. Like I'm not going to
hide anything. But now I love them. They're so extreme.
Everything's like the ends of the world. Oh my gosh,

(47:38):
everything's the end of the But when you think about it, though,
aren't a lot of things the end of the world though,
like in their minds, Like I mean, think about how
wide their world is. Yeah, but do you consider them
the anxious generation that they have been dubbed. Okay, I
think when it comes to like a good chunk of studies,

(48:00):
I would have to double check to see, like what
the disparity is between like European American children versus like
Black children in terms of the data with that, because
we are not reared the same, right, Like, one of
the things of the tenets of the anxious Generation is
the fact that, like you know, a lot of parents
don't know the difference between discomfort and danger, so they

(48:21):
accommodate a lot of things with their children, right it
being a parent is the most like, it's the most
amazing anxiety producing thing in the world. Like I told
my husband, I was like, man, I used to do
shots of ninety nine berries on the yard and now
I'm over here investigating microplastics and my cutting board like lame,
you know what I'm saying like this, And I'm just

(48:42):
like I just don't want them to have we got
to get stainless steel stuff, you know. And I'm like, dude,
like I'm over here. I didn't look at the ingredients
in the ninety nine berries before I like went to
the party on the yard. I'm just knocking them back. Now,
I'm just like, well, technically this is this is organic
and then this is food dye yellow yellow life six
red number eight. I used to eat hot cheetos, you know. Like,

(49:04):
so it is very anxiety producing bringing a person into
the into the world. But you have to understand that
difference between discomfort and danger, because it's not my job
to remove discomfort from my children. It's my job to
provide them with the skills and the capabilities to know
that they can handle it and kind of like work
with them and corregulate them so they understand it. And
I think the anxious generation. One aspect of it is
the fact that like a lot of people are removing

(49:25):
discomfort from their children, so they don't really get to
experience certain things, and because of that, a lot of
scenarios make them uncomfortable. Does that sound like a lot
of black families though, yeah, like so, like I would
have to look at that. But a lot of times
people are like, oh, you know, because they don't really
get the opportunity to care for themselves, and a lot
of them aren't doing chores and a lot of them
aren't you. And I'm just like, I never met a

(49:47):
black child who didn't have choices you the mouth, listen, like,
I've never met that person that is the prerequisite to
go out on Saturday. Listen a baker. Yeah yeah, and
this day I hear Nia Baker. I'd be looking for
Pine sal like yeah, Like it's trained in my brain.
Like so a lot of times when people are like
holling that stuff, I'm just like, yeah, I would love

(50:07):
to see because it's based on dat I would love
to see the data on like if we're also looking
at black families because also like we rear our children
differently to a good thing. And there's also the aspect
of like the world is tough, it's going to so
I'm going to be tougher. So a lot of them
they don't have freedoms and they don't get to be creative.
And you know, the biggest fear is, you know a
lot of us are parenting out of racism related stress.

(50:27):
We have a fear that like one most mistake will
be the end for them versus other households. They literally
think that the police are there to protect them because
they are and they know that one mistake won't be
the end of their their well being because they likely won't,
and so we do parent differently. But most of the time,
you know, I don't. I think our issue is not
really I think our anxieties for the children might be different.

(50:49):
Like I actually think they need a bit more freedoms.
I ask a lot of clients like to be like
did the child do it wrong? Or do they just
do it differently when they have like frustrations about the
way a child has done something. Like one time my
son was like, I was like, oh, you know, clean
the room before we head out, and he was like, okay,
well do we? He said why? And I was like, oh,

(51:10):
I want the room to be clean today and he
was just like, oh, can we clean and when we
get back? And I'm like, I mean that means we
could leave earlier, and like that also means I wouldn't
have to clean because when he cleaned and I'm cleaning,
so I'm like, man, that means I could also get
out of cleaning. I mean you gonna do when we
get back though, Like deal, like, yeah, I do get back.
He did too, and it's just like cool, cool, cool,

(51:31):
we did right, But like how many people it's not wrong.
It's just like just clean the room. I just don't
want the house to be a mess. I think our
thing is more so pulling back in and asking ourselves
did they do a different verses did they do it wrong?
And my parenting had a racism related fear, which could
also be making them anxious because a lot of times
you'll have people you know you're extra strict on the children,

(51:51):
but we're not even explaining why, and sometimes they'll end
up doubting themselves, thinking their parents don't trust them in
all actuality, I don't trust the world to see you
as a child like because they don't see you as children.
I don't trust the world to protect you because they don't.
So I think if we're creating like an anxious generation
within the black community, I think it's more so because
we're not talking to our children as much because also
that's not how we were brought up, Like it's very

(52:12):
hard to create a reality that we didn't see up close.
I think we're also not centering like our culture and
stuff in terms of they see so many negative messages
about being black. Do we counteract that with positivity in
the house or are we also giving negative messages in
the house, like you're not gonna be looked at the
same You got to watch this person. If something goes missing,
they're gonna be the first one to ask you if
it was you. That might be true, but are we

(52:33):
counteracting it with like culture and pride and support. So
I think we may be creating an anxious generation when
it comes to black youth. But I think it's because
we're parenting out of racism related stress and it's harder
for us to create something that we haven't seen. And
we have to be more intentional about affirming them and
not just affirming them as children, but affirming them as
black children like they I mean, like we are very

(52:55):
be the sauce. There's a reason why I'm we're are faves.
Like it's hard not to like, even if I wasn't black,
I'm sure I would we would still be the favorite.
There's no way to confirm that. But you know, so,
I think we have to be more intentional about, like
actually speaking power into our children because there's so many
environments that are speaking negativity into them and a lot
of times we're not counteracting it and also acknowledging that,

(53:16):
like it may not take a ridiculous amount of time
and energy. I'm super busy, and I just have to
be intentional with it. But we have to think about
all of the negative messages that they get. Are we
counteracting those in our house or we kind of just
the world is tough, so I'm going to be tougher
for them, like in the first place. So maybe, but
I don't think it's the same reasoning because I don't
know a black child. We ain't wake up. Saturday is
like the thing, like you want to go you want

(53:38):
to go out? What at three? You better clean these dishes.
It's Saturday, which is was gonna do, but you better
not touch that TV. Thank God for a twin cause
we could. We we had our assignments like I do
the bathroom, she do the living, like we had to
me like we got this listen, yeah you know we're
trying to go out to that because we talk about
it Friday night, trying to hit Yeah. Just as soon

(54:01):
as as soon as they asked, be like, yup done,
now you can come. That's it? Yeah. Yeah. I mean
as we begin to close out this, I really want
you to give our audience a few questions that they
can ask in relationship, right because you talked about your
husband talked about you know, you didn't tell the story

(54:24):
of like what you said when you met him. Oh. Yes,
So I met him when I was celebrating finishing my
bachelor's at Fisk like go Fist, go Bulldogs. And I
was celebrating with my friend and he had happened to
be outside and we were walking from one bar to
another good Time Broadway. But I saw I saw him.
I used to work with his co with his friend,
and I said how to his friend because I had

(54:44):
recently gotten fired from that job. He used to get
fired a lot, but you always have another done, you know,
Like I was young, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go
work at FedEx, like it's not that good world. But
I saw I was talking to his friend and saying, oh, hey,
it's been a minute. I ain't talk to you since
I got fired. And then I saw him letely stoping,
like literally in the middle of conversation cause it's just like,
I mean, we're friend, I don't care about you. And

(55:05):
then I was just like walked up to my feet
my husband at this time, and I was like, you
are cute. Put my number in your phone. He was
like excuse me, and like so very like. My husband
is a textbook Southern black man. I always say, like,
I basically married like an eight year old man, like
just very much. Like he's not terrible, but I just
hear being like, first of all, you're not about to

(55:26):
approach me as a excuse me. So he's like, excuse me,
and I said, you're keeping a number your phone. He
brought his phone out and it was an Android. I
don't like androids. I don't and I understand that there
are better phones, but so what And I was just like,
I literally said, I said, ugh, all right, how do
I And even to the it was really hard to

(55:47):
press the button. It was really hard to press the buttons.
And I was just like, God, all right, here you go.
And then I left. We tell the story differently because
he always says that, like and then she like wobbled
on her heels because she was clearly drinking. I was drinking,
but I have never I have never wabbled on a
heel in my life. And I was just like, you whatever.
And when we were dating for a little bit, I
was like, what made you decide to call me? Because

(56:08):
that is very not much not your personality. How long
did it take for him to call all the next day. Okay,
I'm adorable, yeah, you know, like, and it's also I
didn't take his number. I don't like the responsibility having
to call people. So if you call me, you call me.
If you don't, you don't like. This is something youth
y'all need to understand. Just go out. Yeah, if they
don't like you, okay, some people have bad taste, guys. Yeah,
you can't teach good taste. Some people just have bad taste.

(56:30):
Just assume it's that, you know. And if he didn't
call it, be like, well, yeah, you're lost. I'm delightful.
But he when we had dim and dating for a
little bit, I was like, why would you Why did
you call me back? Because that's very much not your personality,
And he basically said, I really asked my friend first
to see if you were insane. Like I was just like, hey,
who's the deal with this girl? He was like, oh,
she cool, she's she's fine. But he definitely had to
vet me first, because that's not like him at all

(56:51):
to be like, you're not about to excuse me. Yeah,
I'm the man, you know. Okay, So then what would
you tell for people who are out here dating or
they want relationship, they want partnership. What are three questions
they should be asking in the dating process? Oh okay,
I would say one question, notebooks out. This is the thing.

(57:15):
Get your notebook out. Because I go back and forth
between questions and also observing, like I would never trust.
I would never date anyone who is rude to a server. Yeah,
me too, because they have to get right with God.
There's something wrong with you. And I also say, pay
attention to how people act when they're bored or inconvenienced, right,
Like can someone like kick it with you in a
traffic jam, or they like a little thing like from

(57:37):
a traffic jam to like I don't know, someone spilled
coffee on them, Like how they respond to that. It's
kind of how they're gonna respond to you. Something as
simple as okay, so, how do you like? What define success? Right?
Because you can ask people about their goals, but asking
someone how they define success. Some people will be like

(57:57):
family and marriage and stuff like that. Some people will
be like promotion. Some people would say something like I
don't know, doing like getting to their personal record with
working out. But you get to learn more about them
and the things that they really like appreciate in life,
so like, how do you define success? I also think
it's helpful to ask, like you know, and I go
according to I do the backrounte because as a clinician,

(58:19):
you know, we can't just so I might start with
the story like, man, today it was like real frustrating,
like and it was a really tough day. So I
decided to go for a walk, you know, talking about
the day. You know, what do you do when you're
like really stressed out? Like how do you manage it?
And I think it's just as important to get the
answer to see if they have an answer, if they
don't have an answer, what their coping technique is. If

(58:43):
they be like, oh, you know, I'll just play video
games for twenty seven hours, and it's like right, right,
And I got a problem with video games, you know,
but there has to be a limit, you feel, like,
you know, But if you want to see if they
have anything else that they incorporate into their day when
they're dealing with stress. I also like to see how
people in questions because sometimes people may not know the
answer to something and they may BSU because something as

(59:05):
simple as you also have to kind of know who
there are as a person, like what do they value?
So you're like, oh, I just heard this crazy story
about like the when it came down to like you know,
the justice system and they're voting on this, and like,
what's your opinion on that? Now, they may not know
what you're talking about, so they may ask like, oh,
I can't hear about that. Explain Yeah, that's cool because
you don't have to know to answer to everything. But

(59:26):
somebody who will really just be like, oh, you know,
because a square plus B square to see squ what
what are you talking about? It's okay to acknowledge that
you don't know the answer to something. So one, I
want to see if you're keeping up with current events too.
I want to see if you are, what's your opinion
on the current events? And three, I want to see
if you're okay with acknowledging the fact that you don't
know the answer to something like because someone who can
admit to being wrong or not knowing something, I mean

(59:49):
you're not gonna be able to grow with that person.
And they may be though just like, well it's the
first date, so you know, I want to seem like
I didn't know something, and it's just like, oh, okay,
so when you don't so your automatic response is to lie. Good.
That's that's a good thing to know. Like it's not
always just about the answers, if they have the answers,
it's also like how do you deal with like not
knowing the answer to something and if they have complete

(01:00:10):
opposite views for you, right, like say, if you have
non negotiables, because I think you also have to have
to understand your non negotiables, Like how do you feel
about someone who doesn't want to have children? Like do
you want children? Do you even know if you do?
How do you feel about religion? Like are you do you?
My mom is Christian and my dad is Buddhist, so
like it's very it's very different. It's very different. My
dad's whole side of the family, they're all Buddhists, and

(01:00:33):
that we Baptists Philly at African Methodist Piscopal like so
they always have this running joke like if my mom
wants my dad to do something that we know he's
not gonna do, or he'll ask for something, she'll be like, yeah,
I will do that when you say the Sunday prayer,
Sure I will be sure, I'll mow the lawn when
you decide to, you know, bring us home in prayer,

(01:00:54):
because it's never gonna happen, like because he's Buddhists, right,
So like that's how they joke it. When it comes
down to it and getting to the point of like
how their relationship with their family is. It's always a
really good conversation around the holidays because it can be
something as simple as like, man, holidays are crazy. You know,
we have all these cool traditions and we do this
kind of stuff. What kind of stuff do you you do?
And it could be it can let you know that like, oh,

(01:01:15):
we may value family, can let you know that like
maybe they're not close to them how they talk about
them their family. Because I also, of course, as a psychologists,
I pay attention to what you say, but I also
pay attention to how you say it. Like I think
anyone who talks to me about psych or books knows
that I like, I love like you know. So it's
also like the way their face lights up, or if
they just like, man, I ain't go home in years

(01:01:36):
and people are crazy. And one of the biggest red
flags is if anybody tells you that every single one
of their exes. We're crazy like every like every single
ex is crazy, like because the only common denominator is them.
Don't even finish an advertiser like dip Like maybe say you
go to the bathroom if you don't want to be rude.
I mean it's rude either way, but like just leave

(01:01:58):
because it's not possible. It's literally not possib But like,
I've worked with clients like that and I'm just like okay,
And that's what they say at the beginning, and towards
the end they'll be like, am I am I the
drama you are? But we're working on that. Yeah, that's
why you're here, because yes, you are the drama you.
I'm sure somebody is going to therapy right now because
of their encounter with you, because of you. But that's

(01:02:19):
an ultimate red flat because I want to publicly apologize
to all of y'all out there. I barely acknowledge my
exes exists. So they asked for a reason. They ask
for a reason. It was like, I'm sure you're doing fine.
I don't really care, but like, I'm sure I hope

(01:02:40):
that well. Did you see the interview with fifty cent
where he was just like They were like, can you
say anything positive about jarh Rule, and he was like,
I mean he's alive. I'm like, man, I hope you
guys are his love of Petty, I love Petty. I

(01:03:03):
can't be petty, so like it's it's like an occupational hazard.
Everybody has a story. You know, the world is tough,
so I really can't be a butt anymore. I miss
those days where I could be a jerk. But it's
really it's really hard because it's just like I don't
know what they're going through and it's just like it sucks.
So I like pettiness because I can't be like that. Yeah,
as we began to close out one word you're committed

(01:03:25):
to in this season of your life, I would probably
say humanity. I think everything I try to do is
to try to help like people reclaim their humanity and
rehumanize themselves because the world, you know, has worked to

(01:03:46):
make it seem like we're not human. That's why they
have all these atrocity stuff. So I would say, like,
that's my biggest thing, is trying to get us to
not only me helping them humanize them ourselves, but like
them figuring out ways to advocate for it themselves, like
perfectionism is the exact opposite of humanity, and I think
a lot of times we forget that humans are allowed
to rest and have feelings and get stuff wrong and

(01:04:09):
be accountable and just build together. So I would definitely
say humanity, humanity, Doctor Raquel Martin, it has been a pleasure.
Thank you. When Ig meets the seat, listen Bought Empowers Talks,
another good one for the books. Be sure to share
this with someone who needs a little who needs to
up their humanity in this season of their lives. Share
this with somebody who needs to be more intentional in

(01:04:30):
raising themselves and their children. Okay, so until next time
you guys, I'm gonna girl, Brandy Harvey eat well, give
a damn move your body every single day piece

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