What does it take to truly heal your heart and build lasting, healthy love? In this deeply moving episode, Brandi Harvey sits down with relationship expert and emotional wellness coach Love McPherson to talk all things love, healing, and emotional wholeness.
Love breaks down the myths we’ve been taught about relationships and guides us through the hard—but necessary—work of healing our past to transform our future connections.Whether you're single, dating, or married, this episode is a masterclass in loving better—starting with yourself.
Watch the full episode on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/KRl9M_q99FQ?si=O3ZMLDccJN13KmrN
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Love breaks down the myths we’ve been taught about relationships and guides us through the hard—but necessary—work of healing our past to transform our future connections.Whether you're single, dating, or married, this episode is a masterclass in loving better—starting with yourself.
Watch the full episode on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/KRl9M_q99FQ?si=O3ZMLDccJN13KmrN
Follow us on social media for more inspiring stories ⬇️
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vaultempowers
X: https://twitter.com/vaultempowers
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vaultempowers
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@vaultempowers
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/
Stay connected with Brandi Harvey ⬇️
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/iambrandiharvey/
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/vault-empowers-talks--5932708/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This thing called love.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
We all want it, we're all chasing it, but we
don't know it when we see it, and we don't
know how to give it when we want to.
Speaker 3 (00:09):
You're not asking too much. You're asking the wrong thing.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
You really are.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Yeah, for both men and women. We're asking for the
tall guy. The average height is five to eight. You
have to be able to look deeper in everyone.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Really, the wounded child, it's the one that's showing God.
Oh yeah, in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
First Corinthians, the thirteenth chapter. When I was a child,
I spoke as a child. I thought as a child,
I reasoned as a child. When I became a man,
I put away childish things.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Why did they stick? This in the middle of a
love chapter? And I came to a revelation.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Unless you put away the inner child's thinking and mentality,
you will not even have the ability to love and do.
When it says through the fourth Yeah and the ephe,
you will not get out of this life without certain
levels of trauma. We have to have the grace and
the love to cover certain parts of them. That doesn't
(01:00):
mean you accept abuse. That means you asked the question,
can my love cover that?
Speaker 1 (01:05):
And when your love can't walk away.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
My twenty two year old self said I do, But
I have had to say I do many times at
each stage there is different work to do in order
to say I do.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
Forty two years of marriage.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
What's the one thing that we can implement into our
life to love better and perfect our love walk? Welcome
to all Empower's Talks. So we don't just scratch the surface,
we dive deep into the lives of some of the
world's most amazing change makers. I'm your host, Brandy Harvey. Y'all,
we got a good one today. Were about to grow
(01:41):
up and love today. Love McPherson is an author, speaker,
and engaging media personality on a mission to impact generations
and heal relationships by teaching individuals how to love better.
In twenty ten, she founded her relationship coaching company Love
Infinity and Core Rated, which has enabled her to make
(02:02):
a global impact speaking to national and international audiences. Love
has been a reoccurring guest on the Number one News
broadcast in Chicago, has appeared on Bravo TV's Real Housewives
of Atlanta, Wendy City Live on ABC Network and TV
one Network. Her expertise has also been featured on media
outlets such as NBC, VH one, Bride's Magazine, and People Magazine,
(02:26):
just to name a few. Love considers her greatest success
to be her forty two year marriage to Anthony McPherson.
Vought empower talks, welcome, passionate author, captivating speaker, and relationship expert.
Speaker 4 (02:38):
Love McPherson to the show.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Oh wow, now that was a big one.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I appreciate all of that because that is all of you.
Speaker 4 (02:48):
Love.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
We were just talking about this off off camera before
we got on. You know, you and I share the
stage together two years ago, doctor Carrie Bryan over at Newbergh.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Lover.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
We love Carring. That is the glue that brought us.
That's the magnet that brought us together.
Speaker 4 (03:06):
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
It has been such a joy meeting you and watching
you just grow and move forward in your light.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
I just love watching your light.
Speaker 4 (03:18):
Thank you. I appreciate this.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
I told them, I said, listen, I got on that panel, baby,
and I got humble. Let me tell you sit on
the panel with Love. You just gonna need to be
quiet because there's nothing your little tail is about to say.
This is about the outweigh all the wisdom that has
rolled up into this woman. So I am so honored
that you are here today because guess what we're gonna do.
Speaker 4 (03:39):
We're gonna grow up in love.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yes we have to.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
We have to if we want to experience love correctly,
We've got to grow up. You cannot allow our little child,
the inner child, to manage our relationships. And that's what
we do if we don't be intentional, If we are
not intentional about growing.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Up now love, you said, we pulling up the high
chair to some of our tables, right, So many of
us are pulling up the high chair in the relationships
because really, the wounded child is the one that's showing God.
Speaker 4 (04:12):
Oh yeah, in a relationship. Why is that, you know?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Because what happens is we are so vulnerable as children.
You know, they say the stress levels actually are reduced
the most when you have resources. If you you know,
your stress levels are reduced. If somebody's not at your door,
but you got a gun in there, you feel a
little bit less stressed. Okay, if somebody's asking you for money,
(04:37):
you have some money in the bank, you feel less stress.
But human resources is actually the greatest level of stress
that person. But when you're a child. Think about this,
You're at the total mercy of parents. You have nothing
but the parents to be kind to you, to take
care of you. Now, this is what happens. The child
(04:59):
learns survey in order to keep the love of a
parent so that they can survive and be taken care of.
Those same survival skills, their need for love, their need
for protection. They take that into their adult relationships. So
if they had the people, please, that's what they do.
If they had to lie, that's what they do. If
they had to manipulate or keep them funny, or just
(05:22):
let's switch roles. I'll be the parent, the parentified child,
and you'll be the the kid, and you can go
out to the clubs, and I will stay here and
take care of your children, my siblings. I will wake
them up. I'll get on the stove at five years
old and cook a whole fried chicken dinner. Whatever I
(05:43):
have to do to survive, I will do it. But
that little girl or that little boy will have to
one day grow up, and when they begin to engage
in relationships, those are the skills they take out of
that house. That's a bag of skills they take out
of that house. They take the skills that they learned
from having a relationship with their parents and watching them
(06:06):
have a relationship with each other. Yeah, and those skills
they take. If lying was the skill that you had
to do in order to keep your mother satisfied or
your father not beating you, then guess what they will
take that right into that next relationship in a woman
like why you lie about it? What was the purpose
of you lying about it? But it's a habit.
Speaker 4 (06:27):
Wow, it's a habit.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
So it's a skill that just to get what they want.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
I mean you said this in there are six how
many stages of development?
Speaker 4 (06:37):
How many stages? Seven? Six stages of the six stages
of development.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
There's some afterwards years later, but basically the first six
is the major one.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
By the time we get to nineteen to forty, we're
already in stage six.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Absolutely, if you have gone through trust, you have gone
through autonomy, you have gone through just learning how to
be a friend and all this kind of stuff, and
then you take all of what you have take learned
in all of those stages, all of the skills you
have cultivated, and you place them in the nineteen year old.
If during those stages you've learned that you are not enough,
(07:13):
You're not worthy. If you learn that if you were
neglected and then all of a sudden there is a
need to say, hey, I'm gonna get what I want.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
You've learned that if you were abused.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
And the difference is neglect is something that was done
that was not done for you, that should have been
done for you. Abuse is something that was done to
you that should not have been done to you.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
But people who are.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Guilty of neglect, what you will find is that they
are constantly comparing and they also have a sense of entitlement.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
I want you to get into this because during this
stage six of our lives nineteen oh forty, this is
either the time of intimacy or isolation. And so if
I have been neglected all this time and now I
have this sense of entitlement, how am I showing up
(08:08):
in relationship serial cheater?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Because you feel like this, this is what you feel
you will feel like if you don't succumb to my
needs when I need it. And when I work with couples,
a lot of times the men you ask them, okay,
and I do this with premarital counseling. Do we go
through a sex agreement. I mean, it's not in you know,
a binding agreement. It's just like, we want to know
(08:35):
how many times do you want sex every single you know,
throughout your marriage, most of the men say I would
love it daily? Okay, the women say maybe once or
twice a week or something like that. However, now here's
the thing. If you have suffered from neglect and you
have not dealt with that or disciplined yourself or walked
the work through your healing, you feel entitled to daily
(08:57):
why because somebody deprived you when you were a child.
So the child is still throwing tantrum saying I one mind,
I want mind. And so the next you know, miss
Lola walk up in there and she'd be like, I
got yours baby, and you'd be like, you know what,
And then you'll blame that person why, and that person
will turn into your mom or your dad or whoever deprived.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
You of whatever.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
So as you begin to tell them why, if you
are justified, you may not say it like that, right,
but it's kind of like, man, you know what, you
ain't mean.
Speaker 4 (09:29):
But you ain't.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
You ain't an't, but internally you are actually talking to
that woman, but you're also talking to your mother. And
so the child will begin to rise up to the
mother because now they can pay for their own food
and they can pay for their own rent, and they
will rise up against the mother. And you will be
the mother that they rise up to, and if reverse
(09:50):
to it could be the father. We can we can
switch this to male or female.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
Love child. I don't even know where to go.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
It's places love without me getting on your therapists, puch
to that.
Speaker 4 (10:05):
Because it could go. We could go there quick, you know,
love could bring it, bring it a tears quick.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
Okay, But I mean it's so real because okay, we
live in a society now, Internet is We're running rampant
on the Internet. We have everything at our disposal. So
now it's not cheating. Now I'm just polyamorous and I'm
in a polygamous relationship.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
Now I need two queens for the king. You know.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
So what do you say to that appetite? What do
you say to that stage of development?
Speaker 1 (10:36):
This is what I say to that stage.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Please let me know your appetite before I get ingrafted
into a relationship with you. Do not surprise me if
we decided we're gonna be vegan and then all of
a sudden, you love soulful, we gonna have a problem when.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
It's time to go out.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Okay, so before just just say hey, I like a
bunch of them. Then I'll say, oh, guess what, we
are not a match and I get to walk away
if I have enough self esteem to believe that I
will get somebody else, or if I will live in
reality and realize I'm not going to change them out
of that type of way.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
So it's healing on both ends.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
But you have to have the courage to walk away
from what you know somebody has told told you. But
you also have to have not the little boy who's
the liar, but somebody who have the courage to actually
tell the truth about what they want, stand on it,
say it with your chest, and leave alone those people
who are not going to fulfill that fantasy or desire.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
That's the part right there. It's the honesty and the transparency. Absolutely,
it's you being honest upfront to say, hey, this is
what I'm interested in. I like to have multiple women,
I like to experience multiple men. Whatever that is right
that they were honest and transparent, but don't try to
flip it on me. Once we now a year in
and now I catch you in something exactly and now you.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
Like, But but you know I got a big appetite.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Yeah exactly.
Speaker 4 (12:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
And here's the thing. It goes both ways on absolutely,
because this is what I'm saying a lot of times,
what you'll find is the men who do have the
courage to tell the truth, they get badgered.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
I mean, these women come at them.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
No, let me tell you know what, one of my favorites.
Let them. Okay, if they have that kind of appetite,
let them. That is not something that you have to discuss.
That's not something you have to beat them up about.
That's something you stay away if you don't agree with it.
But let them. And so my thing is let them,
let them do that. H But don't encourage them to
(12:42):
go undercover because they are afraid of the ridicule and
the voice of you after they tell you the truth,
or because even though they tell you the truth, you
still don't listen.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
You still believe you have some kind of magic power
to change them.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
But but please have the courage men to tell the truth.
Please have the courage women to tell the truth.
Speaker 4 (13:03):
Yea, in'sti telling the truth?
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Well, I mean, but there are some predictors that you
said into really why we show up in our relationships
the way that we do. One of those things is
one of the top reasons or predictors of divorce is
contempt for your spouse. Yes, and so this plays into
that contempt, right, because you hear things on the back
(13:27):
end or you don't believe them on the front end. Yes,
and so now the contempt grows.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
See, contempt is that I look down on you because
of who you are.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
I am better.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
And that's why in a courtroom you'll see a judge
hit a person hard for contempt of court because you
were saying. He says, I'm the leader in this court,
and you are deciding to diminish my power. So the
woman that shows up through I rolled it like I
got four You know she might have four children. Oh
I got five. My husband is just a bit baby.
Speaker 4 (14:00):
You know that I so much.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Yeah, and so they contempt as though I am better,
I am more learned, I am more educated, or I
make more money. And that whole contempt thing is one
of the top four predictors of divorce according to research. Wow,
the contempt, Yes, and this is the thing about the contempt.
Contempt is actually the opposite of adoration, and what we
(14:30):
have is the one of the reasons why, especially male children,
the contempt is such so egregious to them. Is sometimes
not all the time. A lot of them have did
issues where mother never looked at them.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
In a loving way.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
But those whose mother adored them, there was adoration or
the grandmother who adored them, and the male child adoration.
What ends up happening with that adoration is they get
used to looking at a look in their eyes that
you know when you when somebody loves you, you know,
(15:05):
when you got their heart, you know how to manipulate it.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Walk up behind your mama.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
And kiss her on the jall and she'd be like, boy, exactly,
I'm trying to cook, you know. And so they they
learn that the mothers get a lot of their emotional
needs met, and so that whole adoration piece happens. And
then when the wife comes, she spells your dirty draws,
(15:30):
so she ain't really adoring you like that. After a while,
it might have started off as adoration and then all
of a sudden, it's just kind of it's real, and
you don't get it. But la la la, still give
you that look. You understand what I'm saying. So you
have to see that there is temptation out there. Sometimes
(15:51):
when there is adoration that has been lost and now
you have it and you're used to it, you you're
thrive with it. And so when that happens, it it
can affect your relationship with your spouse.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
I mean, but you said this in one of your
in one of your grow Up and Love sermons, in
the grow Up and Love Sermon from the Church of Love. McPherson.
You're not asking too much. You're asking the wrong thing.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
You really are.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Yeah, and here's the thing, And let me tell you
something that is true for both men and women, especially
as I watch what's happening today.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
I look at.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
One of the.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Questions they asked me was about he's a ten, but
he has Oh yeah, but but but.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
His car is junkie.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
And they said a lot of times that that is
I said, oh, he's still at ten, because we can
always go killing up the car and somebody, right, But
if his hard is junkie, you know, if he's raggedy,
and then and I'm not even talking about his clothes,
but a lot of times we're asking for the perfect guy.
We're asking for the tall guy when most of the
(17:03):
majority of what's in America the average height is five
to eight.
Speaker 4 (17:08):
Come on talk.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
We are asking for the We're asking for the rich
guy when our black men are making.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
The statistics show.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
And I'm not here to you know, but the statistics show,
whether it's been sussists systemically driven, it is opportunities. They
are ten times less than their well, their white male comumers,
ten times less than their male counterparts for many reasons,
(17:40):
for various reasons, they didn't even start off at the
same lines. And what we're asking for such a small
percentage of what's out there, and we're asking most.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Of all, what we're asking too much for is this.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
We're asking for people to heal our broken spaces. We
are asking for people to be our and nurture us
and love us and adore us. We're asking for people
to understand and predict what we want, even when it
comes down to food. We are asking that is just
absolutely ridiculous. That is because you are not communicating. That
(18:17):
is because you are not reality of Everybody walks into
these relationships with broken parts of them. Everybody has been
damaged at some point if it wasn't in your home,
walk out those doors and face the racism in this country.
And I promise you you will experience it on a
job or somewhere of friendship.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
You will experience it.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
You will not get out of this life unless you
dive right away without certain levels of trauma. And so
when we come in, we have to have the grace
and the love to cover certain parts of them. Now,
let me tell you something. That doesn't mean you have
to go into dysfunction. That doesn't mean you accept the abuse.
(19:00):
That means you asked the question can my love cover that?
And when your love, Kate walk away, don't keep.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Using that's so good love. I love when you say that,
can I love cover that? And I think that that's
the thing that we're not asking right because you talk
about how love goes from passionate, honey, all the dopamine
and serotonin is getting dropped off byby on.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Drugs, maybe you on drugs. Okay, this is going, this
is gonna end. You have to make a decision after
that's over.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
You gotta make a decision, yes, And I think that
that is the and it moves to compassion that decision.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
Are you going to be compassionate with your mate? Are
you going to now begin the work?
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Uh? Forty two years, forty two years in May, which
is next month.
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Mary is forty two years married Mary, And it is
forty two years and forty two years to one man.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
My whole life year twelve over here that you know
is forty two years for.
Speaker 4 (19:57):
One man, the one man, but my whole lifetime.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Whole lifetime. Let me tell you something.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Because of that, it was and people look at that
and they say, oh, they've been married forty they've been
married five. The glory is not in the marriage of
forty two years, you know what it is in It
is in the fact. It's not even that we love
each other still, it is that we like each other.
Because let me tell you, there are people, even your grandparents,
(20:22):
who sat in those marriages and they were not soulmates.
They were salemates. They had no other choice. Okay, how
and there's people right now who are sitting in marriage.
They are salemates. They're not soulmates. However, if you keep
doing the work, because every single part of those stages
of life and that happened to you, they bring challenges
(20:43):
and you've got to adjust. So it is my twenty
two year old self said I do. But I have
had to say I do many times after we buried
our parents.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
And we evolved. I do still because you change. You're
a different person.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
After you have children, you look different, you feel different,
you experience life different.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
I do again.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
After you begin to get older, your body changes.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
I do again. It is a.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Constant I do, And at certain ages people say I don't,
not anymore.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
And so what I am saying.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
To you is you at each stage there is a
different work to do in order to say I.
Speaker 4 (21:28):
Do, Yeah, a different level of work to.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Do, yes, a different type. It's a whole different type.
Speaker 3 (21:34):
Well what do you think that, because even you're saying,
we're asking the wrong thing, right, I mean, and I
kind of want you to go back to this because
I mean, you you married a tall man, like you know,
and she got tall children. Okay, they tire everybody tall
around here is the giants, okay. But there are women
who are like, I can't get with a short king.
(21:56):
I can't do the short king love.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
I know. I know he might be one, but he five.
Speaker 4 (22:01):
Eight, you know, And I came to what would you
tell him?
Speaker 2 (22:04):
I will tell them the exact same thing that I
actually told my daughter. For real, my daughter is tall,
like you mentioned. And what ended up happening is because
the short men actually kind of abused her, because if
there was some levels of jealousy or resentment I should
say resentment, so they would treat her a little funny
you know, oh, how's the water up there? You know,
(22:25):
just kind of making a little sny remarks. So I
saw her developed defensiveness against short men. So even when
the nice ones came around, I could see that she
would actually look over their head and do kind of
one of these things. And I said, Tiffany, I think
you act badly around short men.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
What is going on? So we kind of had this conversation,
because we have real.
Speaker 4 (22:45):
Talk, this happens.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
So she was just like, Mom, I just I'm just
over it, you know, the way that you know they
treat you and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
And so I said, well, here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
She says, I just don't believe God has for me
a short man. And I said, Tiffany, that may be true.
I said, but here's the thing. What you're going what
you are doing is the same thing they do to
you both is rejection. Men are rejecting you because of
your height, and you're rejecting men because of their height.
I said, so you are reaping what you're sewing. I said,
(23:18):
until you accept short men and treat them kindly and
value them for whatever height they are. And I'm not
saying you have to date them. I'm not saying you
have to marry them. I'm not even saying that God
has this for you. I am just saying your attitude,
your heart has to be open, that you don't judge
that package and discount it because it's about love. And
(23:42):
so she says, you know what, Mom, I'm gonna work
on that. She did work on it, and she said, Mom,
I finally think I'm there. You know where you know
I treat And I saw her it was the fruit
of it. I could see that she would treat shorter
men kinder, and she had more tolerance for the short
men and things like that. And God blessed her with
a beautiful husband and he's right there at the height
(24:04):
he should be with her in her heels.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
So yes, So I'm happy. I love my sudden law.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
I love that.
Speaker 4 (24:11):
You know, I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
I didn't gave some shor kings a good you know
what I'm saying, Like, and I might be taller than
him when I put these heels on, but mayby easier back. No,
I'm just like, yeah, you know, something might be short,
but I need to be long. Okay, okay, listen, I'm
gonna grow up in love though.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
And listen.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
And you know the thing about it, I think i've
because I've had conversations with shorter guys right and I
remember one telling me. He says, you know, in this
country right now, we if we body shame, we are killing.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Yeah, body shame, That's that's it, he said.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
But the only people you don't have to worry about
body shaming it's short men. You can sit in the
room make jokes about short men something we cannot help
because of our height. You can shame us all you
want and it's still a joke and nobody will protect that.
And so they short men are people too. They have
real feelings, and they also experience rejection, which is one
(25:17):
of the most difficult emotions that humans can experience. Why
because rejection means throw back, That means you once held me.
I'm not saying you know you once had me, You
had possession of me. You might have seen me in
the hospital room or see me in my mom's stomach.
You had possession of me. And when you saw me,
(25:41):
you made a choice to throw me back. That's rejection.
When you ghost me, you make a choice to throw
me back. When you hire me and I give all
that I've given and you desire to just dismiss me,
you throw me back. That rejection is damaging. It will
damage you physically, spiritually, emotionally, and you wonder why people
(26:04):
have anger issues. And so I think we have to
have a respect. That's not a joke to be laughed
at about something that you do not control. I think
you have to be able to look deeper in everyone.
Speaker 4 (26:19):
For sure.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
I don't care if it's a black woman, look deeper,
if it's a tall black man, look deeper. Because the
man that I had before my husband all those years
ago was shorter than me. So it was not about
oh I want to pick somebody tall. I wanted integrity.
Speaker 3 (26:35):
That's I think those are the things love, and I
think sometimes there are people like myself who look at
those things later on, right, because my nineteen to forty,
in that stage development, I was trying to work through
some stuff.
Speaker 4 (26:51):
Right. I finally got me some therapy.
Speaker 3 (26:54):
I started working through those that neglect and that entitlement
and that comparison and all all of that that I
had to work through. So by the time I got
to thirty five, I'm like, I'm ready to grow up
at love. So now you're like, I'm open to a
short guy. You know, I'm open to it now. All
y'all don't need to be coming up emailing and stuff vault.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Or yes, you can if you're a good guy, a
short guy, because the short guy did was a serious cheater.
So but but I'm telling you, but if you're a
good short guy, you go ahead and put.
Speaker 4 (27:28):
Yeah, a good one.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
But I think that.
Speaker 4 (27:30):
That is it.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
It's the integrity, it's the character, it's the kindness, you know.
And I think one of the things that a friend
of mine, who has been married for a number of years,
one of the things he told me in my twenties,
he said, Brandy, He said, yeah, you can want him
to have all these things, and he can have all
the money, and he can have all but is he kind?
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Is he kind?
Speaker 4 (27:50):
He said?
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Because I always he said, what it took me longer
to realize what I wanted from my wife. And the
thing I didn't get, he said, was I wanted somebody
who was kind because my wife wasn't always kind to me.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
You know, the thing about it is the short I mean,
you can be tall, but by the time you get
to my age, you could be leaning over because of
you know age.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
The thing about it is.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
Tall will not carry you through a marathon marriage. It
just will not take it from me. Tall is not
what I see when I come to my husband.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
He's tall.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
I don't look at and say, oh, he's nice. I
think is he a good man?
Speaker 1 (28:36):
Yes? Has he been good to my children? Yes?
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Does he still bring me coffee just the way I
want it every single morning?
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Yes? Has he fulfilled his promise in the that before
we ever got me? I said I hate doing dishes?
He says, oh, I don't mind doing dishes.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
I've never washed a dish well, So he has integrity
in that area to keep his promise. I don't care
if he was short or tall. If he's doing that
and treating me that way, he's worth my attention and
he's worth.
Speaker 4 (29:06):
My love, worth the love. I mean. Let's get into it.
The love does and the love does not.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Because you talk about this, and so many times you
do these conversations all around the world, and you're talking
to people about the love not, the dudes and the don'ts,
the love does and the does not, and many people
aren't doing the love does, and they're doing a whole
lot of love does not.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
Absolutely, you know, when I refer to that, I actually
come from First Corinthians, the thirteenth chapter, which I was
made to memorize as a child because my name was Love,
so my mother made me memorize it. But when I
got down to the eleventh verse, where it says, you know,
because it's the verse that talks about you know, though
(29:52):
I speak with the tongues of men and evangels and
have not charity, I've come, it sounded restidic. So it
goes through all of that, and then when you get
to the fourth verse, it says love does not behave
itself unseemingly love, love is not our own, does not
keep the record or wrong. It talks about all of
the does not. Love does not do this, Love does
not do that. But then it goes down to that
(30:12):
chapter and it begins to talk about when I was
a child, I spoke as a child. I thought as
a child, I reasoned as a child. When I became
a man, I put away childish things, and I thought,
why did they stick this in the middle of a
love chapter. I always thought that since a child, I thought,
why are they talking about children? Then I came to
a revelation and realize, unless you put away the inner
(30:33):
child's thinking and mentality, you will not even have the
ability to love and do what it says through the
fourth yeah and the eighth you cannot do it because
the child is selfish. The child is needy, The child
wants its own thing. The child is does not have it,
engages in cognitive errors because they do not have the
(30:56):
privilege of perspective of the whole world. So the child
comes to conclusions that are not accurate. So as you
go in and you're talking about keeping a record wrong,
that the child will continue to girls get together and
bully you because of one thing, childish behavior, childish mentality, me, me, mind, mine,
(31:16):
all of those things. You've got to release that grow
up and love. You've got to realize that during love,
love requires for the character of an adult, the mindset
of an adult forgiveness, integrity, honesty, sacrifice, loyalty, all of this,
(31:39):
all of those things are required in order to love
in a mature way. But you can continue to be
a little boy, or continue to be a little girl
and let the boy and the girl run your relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Daddy.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
For instance, if you were that child who waited in
the window for your father to come home, or not
come home, but to come pick you up, they promise you, yeah,
I'm gonna pick you up this weekend. They weren't, they
didn't live with you. Pick you up this weekend, take
you someplace. You get dressed, You're excited, you looking, you
waiting for him, and he never shows up.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
Yeah, guess what ends up happening?
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Is that spouse or that boyfriend or that girlfriend who
is late or cancels a date. That little girl or
that little boy will show up and show out. They
will tell you everything they wanted to say to their father.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
They will the trauma of that will show up and
display itself.
Speaker 4 (32:40):
Love, get off my street. I need you to get
up out my business.
Speaker 3 (32:44):
Love, because I'm telling you until I went to therapy,
I mean, let me tell you the tantrums. Yes, the oh,
the tantrums, the little eight year old, the disappointed eight
year old, the one waiting, the one who got promised
the bike and the bike never showed up. All of
those memory, they come up, and they show up, and
I'm sitting there and you tell me you're gonna do
(33:06):
something and you don't do it.
Speaker 4 (33:07):
Baby, ready for it? Here we go, and.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Let me tell you something. That little eight year old girl.
A lot of times you will find that that eight
year old girl is the one. And I'm not talking
about you. I'm just talking about it in jail. That
eight year old girl is the girl that'll be like
and and to make up she ain't saying this part
for this internal to make up for daddy who didn't
show up with the bike. I want you to not
(33:31):
take me to know cheesecake factory. I need you to
have this for this and I need you to buy
me this. Why because somebody neglected you and in your brain,
in your little child's mindset, it said, if he loves me,
he would show up with gifts. That I saw my
little friend when I went at her house. Her daddy
(33:52):
had gotten her a doll or a bike or this
and this. If my daddy loved me he would do that.
So when that man shows up, he better show up
with your he better show up with your barbie. He
better take you to the best experience possible because you
missed too many experiences.
Speaker 3 (34:07):
Honey, you better call him the Three Wise Men coming
bearn you have stady, you better come following.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
The north Star.
Speaker 4 (34:14):
Honey, listen. But that is the part of the grow
up in love.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
Because when you start to grow up and you start
to love yourself better, and you start to treat yourself
better and you stop neglecting yourself, well, then I'm not
I don't need to demand that from you, really don't.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
And so and let's flip that.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
We gotta flip it because you gotta be talk about
both sides what ends up happening. Also, when a lot
of men have mother issues and they are dealing with a.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Mother who was disapproval.
Speaker 2 (34:47):
I talked about adoration, but I did talk about that
critical mom, that dismissive mom. That mom was hard on
them because she was raising, she was being the mother
and the father in that relationship, and so he missed
the nurturing. Now, my mom didn't really give me love.
Now my mom I knew she loved me. She worked
real hard, but no, we didn't have any hugs. There
(35:09):
was no I love you or any of that stuff.
So when that woman shows up and she is giving
all of that, you don't even have the capacity and
the skills to receive it.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
You demand it.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Why can't you be nicer? Why can't you be Why
can't you understand the load she's carrying? You know why
you can't because you never even understood your mother's load.
You never had compassion for your mother. You've got to
go to the root as that child. You've got to
go back to the root. It's not just about just
deciding you're gonna love yourself, but it's also about forgiving.
(35:44):
And when I say forgive, I mean releasing your parent.
You've got to see with an adult eye, you know what.
That's all they had. And I'm not saying they couldn't
have done better, but you do have to say, you
know what this is, This is all they knew. They
were still in their child's state, and so it wasn't
(36:06):
personal towards me. Once you acknowledge it wasn't personal towards you,
you have the capacity to love the you that you
feel they rejected or they did not love, or that
they saw something in you that was not lovable. Once
you come to the conclusion, it wasn't me that was
not lovable, it was them that was not loving themselves.
(36:28):
And that's your whole that's your own issue. Once you
give that to them to solve, you unpack that off
of you. You separate and cut the umbilical cord from
that that they.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
Had over you. You cut that.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
On purpose and intentionally, and you begin to live your
life and say, I will begin to love me.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
So what you know what?
Speaker 2 (36:49):
I look at these arms with them you know they
covered right now, but they got little wings, and I said, arms,
I love you for writing that. What I need you
to write and typing and fixing my hair. I will
tell the body parts that we are like, Oh, I
just hate this about me.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
I ha, No, I don't hate anything.
Speaker 2 (37:05):
I thank my knees, I thank my teeth, I thank
I thank everything about me, and thank God for giving
it to me. Why I am grateful. I am grateful.
And we once we began to love the parts of
us that we felt was unlovable. I'm still talking about
self love. I'm talking about the physical parts. I'm talking
(37:27):
about the inward parts. I'm talking about the little girl
who got molested and did not say anything. You forgive her.
You go look her in the eyes and you love her.
You go look at the little girl who was bullied
and everybody shunned her. You go and look at the
little boy who had to sell drugs to help take
care of his family. You look at those people and
(37:50):
began to forgive and love them, and then you operate
from that point. But the first thing you do is
release the unloved partsview that you felt were given to
you and that you took on and began to give
to yourself.
Speaker 3 (38:07):
How difficult is that for people to do over and
over again, because because it doesn't just happen.
Speaker 4 (38:14):
I did it.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
I released it. Because I've done it, I've released it.
I had to release.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
And then that's like going on a diet. You go
over and over a keating.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
Okay, sometimes you follow off the wagon and you keep
get back up and you keep doing it. It is
both loving yourself and forgiving yourself is actually a process.
To say it is an event. You say, I have
decided that I'm going to love myself. That's an event
I've decided I'm going to forgive myself or I'm going
to forgive you. That's an event. However, you walk the
(38:44):
process process out daily, and in order to continue to
walk the process out daily, there are some things you
take away from your your routine and some things you
add to your routine. Like in a diet, you might
want to take some of those sweets out of your
house so they don't act as temptations, and you might
want to add some more fruit and healthy foods so
there will be accessible when you need them. So if
(39:07):
you know that social media certain places will actually make
you compare, because you already have you are prone to
comparison due to your neglect. If you feel that that
is a hindrance in your self love activities, then you
may want to look less at that.
Speaker 3 (39:25):
Oh that's so good, because of course we're all inundated
every day.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
Absolutely with that little phone, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (39:32):
And we get I mean, every message in the world
is thrown to us instantly, and then we sit and
go down the scroll hole. We wake up scrolling, we
go to be a scrolling We sit in here scrolling,
you know, all the things, and for.
Speaker 4 (39:46):
People who have been neglected.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
And you struggle with that comparison now twenty four to
seven right in your hand. You get to compare and
contrast your life all hours of the day.
Speaker 2 (39:59):
But the the problem is studies show that many people
when they are comparing their lives, it's actually miswanting. That's
a term miswanting. They think that if they had what
that person has, it would make them happy, when in reality,
the truth when Harvard studies, one Harvard study show that
(40:22):
in all of the things that people thought, if I
lose more weight, if I get this certain job, if
I make this certain income, I will be happier. You
think could be happy, but I would be happier. The
truth of the reality is it really the only real
true happiness came in giving back. Believe it or not,
the Bible is true. It is more blessed to give
(40:43):
than to receive. So when people were volunteering and doing things,
even like this podcast, you know that you're helping people.
When you sit in this chair, the people that tune in,
you're changing lives.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
So this portion.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
Of your life can be so fulfiling, even if it's stressful,
even if it's things that has happened.
Speaker 1 (41:02):
But it can be so stressful. Why because you're not.
Speaker 2 (41:05):
Here just taking you are here, giving, and so that
kind of stuff like that that is actually more precious
and creates a more fulfilling life and a more happiness
than some of the other stuff. Even if you know
with the mall right around here, I mean you can
walk there. I ain't saying you gotta not go through
(41:25):
there and it won't make you happy. But it doesn't.
It's not as long lasting.
Speaker 1 (41:29):
It's what you're doing.
Speaker 3 (41:30):
It's not as long lasting. I mean, forty two years
of marriage. What has been the key to making it last?
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Work?
Speaker 4 (41:39):
For you?
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Doing the work and recognizing when it's time to work.
Because when you see when I talk about liking, i'd
really I know people think that's a nice clue cliche,
But like is I gotta like what you have become
because we're all evolving, so when you get to the
next evolution, I still gotta like it.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
Let me give you an example.
Speaker 2 (42:06):
My husband, we're we're in our sixties down and when
my husband I remember sitting in the car and we
were on our way to our morning dates.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
We do it on on weekends, we date and.
Speaker 4 (42:18):
So you all day y'all have been married forty two years.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
Every week still day, every week, every single week.
Speaker 4 (42:24):
Love that.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
And so we were on our way to our day,
but we stopped at the cleaners first because we do early.
We don't do it at night because we'll sleep through
those dates. And so we we're the first ones in
the restaurant and.
Speaker 4 (42:37):
Give me a date party.
Speaker 2 (42:38):
We went to the theaters and I was sleeping out, like, man,
I paid three hundred dollars for these seats and I'm
sleeping and so so we don't we know better.
Speaker 1 (42:46):
So so I'm sitting there.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
We had to get to the cleaners because you know,
at a certain app you can't get you clothes.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
So I saw my husband getting out of the car.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
He's walking into the cleaning and I saw him kind
of leaning over, and I'm thinking, and I said, I'm
gonna tell.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
Him stand up straight. Now. He's tall, right, six foot nine.
Speaker 2 (43:01):
So when I when I met him, one of the
things I admired about him is because he wasn't one
of those slumped over tall guys.
Speaker 1 (43:09):
He was one of the tall guys who.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
You know, and when I saw him sumped over, my
first mind was critical about I looked in and I said,
I'm gonna tell him stand up when you when you
walk in stend, you know, taller.
Speaker 1 (43:24):
And then it dawned on me.
Speaker 2 (43:27):
I heard guy said, Love, that's what old age looks like.
And I had to actually on purpose except him getting older.
And then I said, well, why is that that I'm
having a problem accepting him getting older? And I realized,
I remember when my father started getting older and sicker.
(43:52):
It was hard for me to even go into the house.
My husband and my father were real close, and I
was real health and I'm named Love because of my dad.
Speaker 1 (43:59):
But I remember there.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Was sometimes and I would and I sat in that
car something I said, what's going on here?
Speaker 1 (44:05):
I said, it's hard to watch your hero weakend.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
It's so difficult, And that was real, and I realized
that day in the cleaners, I had not resolved that.
So the girl, the little girl who wanted her daddy
always to be this big, strong protector of her, who
always was, who was always present, and at the point
in which I was taking care of him because he
(44:31):
was sicker, that girl did not want that in her husband.
So I was trying to push him to not ever
be that. But I'm not saying he's gonna be bed
ridden or any of that, but I needed him to
grow older gracefully without rejection, and so I had to check.
Speaker 4 (44:48):
Me grow older without rejection.
Speaker 1 (44:51):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (44:51):
I mean, of course, at forty two years of marriage,
you've seen each other every stay, absolutely, every change of
your life.
Speaker 2 (45:00):
Absolutely, and changes have happened. Let me tell you that
we could sing the sung or change is gonna come,
and it did. Okay, so, but but he's loved me
at every up and down. And I'm telling fifty pounds higher,
fifty pounds lower, all of that. He has loved me
and never said anything about my weight. And for me
to have the audacity to sit in that car and
(45:22):
be about to criticize him for growing naturally older. But
he's still strong, he's still moving about and doing We
still walk thres three miles a day every morning, and
so you know, it was just a matter of just
checking myself. And I said that to say, as we change,
you gotta know that the work is never done. That
(45:45):
I can say, I'm a whole relationship expert. It's all finished.
It's been forty two years. I can gloat in that. No,
it either we gonna go to separate rooms and we
gonna just be a part because we too grumpy to
live together, or we're gonna make a decision, conscious decision
that we're going to still like each other, We're going
to still be cordial to each other, We're going to
(46:07):
still respect each other, even at this age where our
children can come together and continue to respect us.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
You mentioned something here that made me think of this,
and I had no expectation and talk about this. But
now there's the lat movement living apart together, right, and
people live separately their lives, they have different homes, and
they're married to one another. I mean, you know, we
talked about Shirley. Ralph has been in the news for
(46:36):
her marriage of however many years, and she and her
husband don't even live in the same state. And so,
as a person who's been married for forty two years,
what is your take on the living apart but together?
Speaker 1 (46:49):
Let me tell you something. I am such a fan
of that.
Speaker 2 (46:52):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (46:52):
I'm so glad you said that. I was.
Speaker 1 (46:55):
No, no, no, that's what I want.
Speaker 2 (46:57):
Let me tell you know why I'm such a fan
of that, and I know it could be a controversial subject.
Nobody has asked me that question. I'm so glad you
asked me that question. Yeah, because I get to speak
on it. The reason why I am such a fan
on it, and this is this is before I even
go there, a lot of times people will come with
the Bible.
Speaker 1 (47:14):
Oh, the Bible.
Speaker 2 (47:16):
If you're a Christian, you should be living together, you
should be sleeping seving. I'm thinking, do y'all even read
the Bible? Like they don't?
Speaker 3 (47:25):
You know?
Speaker 2 (47:26):
I'm thinking, did y'all realize that that those those queens
never stayed in the same chambers as their husbands? Do
you know that they would come in every now and
that they live separately and then they came together, and
so biblically, it wasn't even something that always was done.
Speaker 1 (47:42):
And so what I am saying to.
Speaker 3 (47:43):
You the only people that live together and share the
beard was the poor people. Y'all can catch me on
the internet for that one, because I know y'all come in,
but mindja manners in them comments?
Speaker 4 (47:53):
Go ahead?
Speaker 1 (47:53):
Is love?
Speaker 2 (47:55):
I mean, you could hit it for the truth is
the only you can come at it for. But if
you just go read your Bible, you'll find it to
be true. And I'm not saying you have to live apart.
I am saying you should have the freedom to live apart,
because let me tell you what happens when I come
to fifty year old women and they are single and
(48:16):
they say, I want to be married again, I always,
but always.
Speaker 1 (48:20):
And I'm not. I'm a married woman. I love being married.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
Me and my husband do sleep in the same bed
every night, although he does have a man cave where
he can have his part during the day. I have
my spaces. Everybody has their own space, so the girls,
one girl has a theater room, the other one has
the family room. So we got all our hangouts and so.
But with my husband and I, what ends up happening
(48:44):
is people think that you have to be in the
same spot. And I asked the fifty year olds, I say,
are you is it marriage that you want for sure?
And they say, I said, okay, you have your own
you're successful, you have your own house, all of that.
(49:04):
You do things the way you do, you go in
and out as you want. I said, you want a
man who is there every day, who is accountable that
you are accountable to, that you know you are. And
I just break it down, these are the things you
know that after you eat. That's not everybody's who needs
to be fed, you know, And I'm not saying he
can't be independent, you know that kind of stuff. I'm
(49:26):
just saying, these are some of the things for marriage,
the forgiveness, the you know, all of those things. Are
you ready for that? And a pause, and I'm telling
you at least fifty percent says no, I don't want that.
I said, is it just a companion? Is it that
you want somebody who's dedicated to you, who says you
(49:47):
are the one?
Speaker 1 (49:48):
And but I don't want.
Speaker 2 (49:49):
To get entangled with the whole, you know, I don't
want to get that. I don't I don't want to
give a license where we would if we had to separate,
you know, we you know, have to go through the
courts and all this kind of stuff. You may not
want that, you may want companionship. If that is what
you want, Please don't go just because the only thing
(50:10):
on the menu is marriage or or single. It's there's
some stuff in between. You know that you can create
them the menu. Can make some stuff at home, but
but there's some different Some of the most successful relationship
couples that I that I see are those who have
(50:30):
I know one couple who had. They they were older,
so they were successful. They had two separate houses, but
they actually were kidty cornered from each other. One lived
across the street and one lived on one side. And
this is what the uh they did that for. They
all had adult children, they all had adult grandchildren. They
wanted when their adult grandchildren and children came home, they
(50:55):
wanted them to have the opportunity where they didn't feel
like they were invading their their step parents' space like
we over at so and so's house.
Speaker 1 (51:04):
Really they wanted to fill the family home.
Speaker 2 (51:07):
This is where my parents, my family lived, but they
would come together, they would have dinner together, all of
those different things.
Speaker 1 (51:14):
There are different options.
Speaker 2 (51:16):
And I'm telling you, just if you don't know that
to be true, to go read the book of Esther
and see where she was when it was time to
go to her King.
Speaker 4 (51:24):
Come on, love.
Speaker 3 (51:27):
I think sometimes I struggle with this too, And I
think because I come from a very traditional family, both
of my parents, you know, staunch Christian backgrounds.
Speaker 4 (51:39):
I grew up in the church, all of those things.
Speaker 3 (51:40):
So the foundation of my life is very biblical and
very much these Christian principles and beliefs and guiding practices.
But then, of course, as you start to learn, and
you start to grow and you start to mature, you
find out WI wait a minute, there's some other ways
of thinking. And I've learned a lot of things in
(52:01):
my life. But I also know, like I teetter her
with this idea of what partnership and marriage and relationship
looks like, and I know that it can look.
Speaker 4 (52:11):
However you choose for it to look.
Speaker 1 (52:14):
It can.
Speaker 2 (52:14):
Yeah, it really really can. And the main thing is
the love and the commitment. Yeah, that's what you have
to really look at. It is the integrity of that
that loyalty, that person who absolutely is committed to you
and is capable of making a covenant to you, whether
it is a covenant that you say before the courts
(52:37):
or and get a license for it. Let's just tell
the truth right here in shame the double. First of all,
we went most of our lives without it being necessary
for a marriage license. Okay, a marriage license was introduced
to us because only in nineteen the nineteen forties, in
order to regulate who we married. They did not want
(53:00):
interracial marriages. So so the marriage license was introduced in
order to stop interracial marriages, and so as a license
that they can regulate. So now it is not God
that's getting you into these relationships. It is the government
that controls you getting in and the government that controls
you getting out. And many people are divorced way before
(53:24):
the government lets them out.
Speaker 4 (53:26):
Hold on, Love, I think you gotta rewind it back.
Speaker 3 (53:30):
You're said, it's not God getting some of y'all in
these relationships.
Speaker 1 (53:33):
It really is.
Speaker 4 (53:34):
It is that's the thing.
Speaker 3 (53:36):
Right, then, It ain't God that's getting y'all in these relationships.
Speaker 1 (53:39):
It really is not.
Speaker 2 (53:40):
And it's and it's not God that's keeping you in
some of these abusive relationship on And as much as
you want to say, oh, God hates divorce, God also
said he hated the abuse that that that the men
would put up on those women, because back in the
those days, it wasn't the women abusing the men, it
was the men abuse the women couldn't ask for a divorce
(54:02):
or any of that kind of stuff. So he never
he says that he despised that type of behavior. So
he hates divorce, not because he hates the vorce. If
you read the scripture, he didn't just say he hated divorce.
He said he hated the repercussions of divorce. How it
hurt the women, how the men were cheating on the
women and then coming on his altar and crying, and
(54:25):
it was so damaging to the women. That's what that
scripture is talking about if we read it. And so
what I am saying to you is that it was
a scripture of compassion, not judgment. And so we need
to go back and look at some of these things.
I mean, there are so I think that one of
the things for me is because I've had to really
(54:48):
do a lot of research. I've had to really do
a lot of study, and I've had to look at
passages of scripture, not just with the Western eye, but
I've had to really really research it with biblical times
to put things into perspective. And some of the things
that we have decided ore uh pre nupts, that was
(55:09):
pre nups. We're always instituted in the Word of God
that it's it's it's called the katura. It is it
is a pre nup uh uh And so literally that's
what how the men got out of the marriages. And
and I don't know, I don't need to take you
that far, but but it is a it is a
thing where we have not studied, and we are are
(55:31):
are imposing Western views on Biblical scriptures without placing things
into context, and because of that, we are failing. We
are failing at these relationships. And then we're not placing
enough emphasis on what matters. We are not placing enough
emphasis on character. We're not placing an emphasis on perfecting
(55:54):
our love walk and and and loving each other the good,
the bad, the ugly, understanding that we all have flaws
but loving anyway. I'm not talking about abuse. I am
talking about flaws. You have a flaws and I have
a flaws. All God's children got flaws. Okay, when we
get we're gon put away our flaws. And so my
(56:16):
thing is we have to understand that this thing called
love is targeted in a way where it is.
Speaker 1 (56:28):
Against us.
Speaker 2 (56:30):
We all want it, we're all chasing it, but we
don't know it when we see it, and we don't
know how to get it when we want to. And
we've got to perfect this thing.
Speaker 3 (56:41):
Yeah, we got to perfect the love walk we do.
What's one thing we can do for all our people
who are listening, because it doesn't matter if you're married
or single. We can all learn to love better. So
what's The one thing that we can implement into our
life every single day to love better and perfect our love.
Speaker 2 (56:58):
Walk gratitude, absolute gratefulness, because as long as you decide
that you don't have enough, you will impose those standards
upon your mate, the person closest to you, or your children,
or your parents or things. It will always be a
spirit of I need more, and that person will never
(57:21):
feel like they can win. You've got to stop and
look and say what are what have they given me
that I am really and truly grateful for? And if
you married that, it's probably some things. Absolutely, there might
be some things that they can improve on. But every year,
and this is what I would say, every year, maybe
you could do something that my husband and I do
(57:44):
on our anniversary. We get we go to our nice,
beautiful restaurants for whatever, wherever were gone and wherever we celebrating,
and we asked each other two questions. We said, how
has your year been happy? And then we ask how
can I make it better? We don't ask how you
(58:05):
can make how can I? What can I do to
make your next year happier for you?
Speaker 1 (58:11):
And we?
Speaker 2 (58:11):
And it's not about we're not just talking about happy.
We're talking about more peaceful, give you more peace, give
you more grace, to do better, to support you at
this stage of your life. And we listen and when
they answer, we cannot become defensive.
Speaker 1 (58:28):
That's the rule.
Speaker 2 (58:29):
You listen to learn, not listen to defend. But what
about you is know what about yous? It is a
exploration that we take down and we learn from and
we seek to implement in our in our love relationship.
Speaker 3 (58:46):
Listen to love, Yes, yeah, listen to love. I think
we can all listen a little more to love a
little better. One word love that you are committed to
in this season of your life.
Speaker 2 (59:01):
Giving why because I am at the stage in my
life until where you realize you're on the other side.
And I am giving because i am leaving a legacy
on purpose, and I'm actually almost at that stage where
(59:21):
I've always where I.
Speaker 1 (59:23):
Operated in my marriage. This is what I did on purpose.
Speaker 2 (59:28):
I set out to say when I was raising my family,
I said I would like at seventy years old, I
would like to come to the table like a Thanksgiving table,
and I would love my children to come. And I
want them to come, not under duress. I don't want
them to come because I pressured them, manipulated them, guilt
(59:48):
tripped them. I want them to actually be there. I
want them to choose to be there and enjoy being there.
And when they sit there, I would like them to
look at my husband and I and respect what I
would like them to look and in spite of some
of the bad things that have happened, that they can
look and see that life gave them great things. And
(01:00:13):
because of that, we would literally I would sit down
and ask my kids, says they were growing up, are
you having a happy childhood?
Speaker 1 (01:00:19):
And they would say no, because you give Christal more
than you give me or you know that.
Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
So they would tell me, and we couldn't become defensive
as parents.
Speaker 1 (01:00:26):
We had to listen.
Speaker 2 (01:00:27):
And so what I'm saying to you is I'm reaching
that and I see positive. I see my children when
we come with our family gatherings. I see them loving
to be there and appreciate it. We have good times.
One lady at the rest of her says, we was
looking at your table to see if y'all had alcohol.
Y'all laughed so much. Go out of all on our
(01:00:47):
table and just have fun. And I thank God that
there were decisions made and so at this stage of
my life, it's all about giving, not just to my
family but to the world. If I can leave what
I promise God and make my deal God, if you
will give me unprecedented wisdom about love because you are love,
(01:01:08):
I will rebrand who you are through my teachings about love.
Speaker 3 (01:01:16):
Love. McPherson, it is always a pleasure you are. You
have all the knowledge and wisdom about love, and I
love hearing you give it to us. So thank you
so much for joining me. Bought Empowered Talks another good
one for the book. Send us to somebody who needs
to grow up and love because we all can perfect
our love walk Until next time, I'm your girl. Brandy
(01:01:36):
Harvey eat well, give a damn move your body every
single day.
Speaker 4 (01:01:39):
Peace,
This thing called love.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
We all want it, we're all chasing it, but we
don't know it when we see it, and we don't
know how to give it when we want to.
Speaker 3 (00:09):
You're not asking too much. You're asking the wrong thing.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
You really are.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Yeah, for both men and women. We're asking for the
tall guy. The average height is five to eight. You
have to be able to look deeper in everyone.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Really, the wounded child, it's the one that's showing God.
Oh yeah, in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
First Corinthians, the thirteenth chapter. When I was a child,
I spoke as a child. I thought as a child,
I reasoned as a child. When I became a man,
I put away childish things.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Why did they stick? This in the middle of a
love chapter? And I came to a revelation.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Unless you put away the inner child's thinking and mentality,
you will not even have the ability to love and do.
When it says through the fourth Yeah and the ephe,
you will not get out of this life without certain
levels of trauma. We have to have the grace and
the love to cover certain parts of them. That doesn't
(01:00):
mean you accept abuse. That means you asked the question,
can my love cover that?
Speaker 1 (01:05):
And when your love can't walk away.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
My twenty two year old self said I do, But
I have had to say I do many times at
each stage there is different work to do in order
to say I do.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
Forty two years of marriage.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
What's the one thing that we can implement into our
life to love better and perfect our love walk? Welcome
to all Empower's Talks. So we don't just scratch the surface,
we dive deep into the lives of some of the
world's most amazing change makers. I'm your host, Brandy Harvey. Y'all,
we got a good one today. Were about to grow
(01:41):
up and love today. Love McPherson is an author, speaker,
and engaging media personality on a mission to impact generations
and heal relationships by teaching individuals how to love better.
In twenty ten, she founded her relationship coaching company Love
Infinity and Core Rated, which has enabled her to make
(02:02):
a global impact speaking to national and international audiences. Love
has been a reoccurring guest on the Number one News
broadcast in Chicago, has appeared on Bravo TV's Real Housewives
of Atlanta, Wendy City Live on ABC Network and TV
one Network. Her expertise has also been featured on media
outlets such as NBC, VH one, Bride's Magazine, and People Magazine,
(02:26):
just to name a few. Love considers her greatest success
to be her forty two year marriage to Anthony McPherson.
Vought empower talks, welcome, passionate author, captivating speaker, and relationship expert.
Speaker 4 (02:38):
Love McPherson to the show.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Oh wow, now that was a big one.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I appreciate all of that because that is all of you.
Speaker 4 (02:48):
Love.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
We were just talking about this off off camera before
we got on. You know, you and I share the
stage together two years ago, doctor Carrie Bryan over at Newbergh.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Lover.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
We love Carring. That is the glue that brought us.
That's the magnet that brought us together.
Speaker 4 (03:06):
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
It has been such a joy meeting you and watching
you just grow and move forward in your light.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
I just love watching your light.
Speaker 4 (03:18):
Thank you. I appreciate this.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
I told them, I said, listen, I got on that panel, baby,
and I got humble. Let me tell you sit on
the panel with Love. You just gonna need to be
quiet because there's nothing your little tail is about to say.
This is about the outweigh all the wisdom that has
rolled up into this woman. So I am so honored
that you are here today because guess what we're gonna do.
Speaker 4 (03:39):
We're gonna grow up in love.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yes we have to.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
We have to if we want to experience love correctly,
We've got to grow up. You cannot allow our little child,
the inner child, to manage our relationships. And that's what
we do if we don't be intentional, If we are
not intentional about growing.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Up now love, you said, we pulling up the high
chair to some of our tables, right, So many of
us are pulling up the high chair in the relationships
because really, the wounded child is the one that's showing God.
Speaker 4 (04:12):
Oh yeah, in a relationship. Why is that, you know?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Because what happens is we are so vulnerable as children.
You know, they say the stress levels actually are reduced
the most when you have resources. If you you know,
your stress levels are reduced. If somebody's not at your door,
but you got a gun in there, you feel a
little bit less stressed. Okay, if somebody's asking you for money,
(04:37):
you have some money in the bank, you feel less stress.
But human resources is actually the greatest level of stress
that person. But when you're a child. Think about this,
You're at the total mercy of parents. You have nothing
but the parents to be kind to you, to take
care of you. Now, this is what happens. The child
(04:59):
learns survey in order to keep the love of a
parent so that they can survive and be taken care of.
Those same survival skills, their need for love, their need
for protection. They take that into their adult relationships. So
if they had the people, please, that's what they do.
If they had to lie, that's what they do. If
they had to manipulate or keep them funny, or just
(05:22):
let's switch roles. I'll be the parent, the parentified child,
and you'll be the the kid, and you can go
out to the clubs, and I will stay here and
take care of your children, my siblings. I will wake
them up. I'll get on the stove at five years
old and cook a whole fried chicken dinner. Whatever I
(05:43):
have to do to survive, I will do it. But
that little girl or that little boy will have to
one day grow up, and when they begin to engage
in relationships, those are the skills they take out of
that house. That's a bag of skills they take out
of that house. They take the skills that they learned
from having a relationship with their parents and watching them
(06:06):
have a relationship with each other. Yeah, and those skills
they take. If lying was the skill that you had
to do in order to keep your mother satisfied or
your father not beating you, then guess what they will
take that right into that next relationship in a woman
like why you lie about it? What was the purpose
of you lying about it? But it's a habit.
Speaker 4 (06:27):
Wow, it's a habit.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
So it's a skill that just to get what they want.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
I mean you said this in there are six how
many stages of development?
Speaker 4 (06:37):
How many stages? Seven? Six stages of the six stages
of development.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
There's some afterwards years later, but basically the first six
is the major one.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
By the time we get to nineteen to forty, we're
already in stage six.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Absolutely, if you have gone through trust, you have gone
through autonomy, you have gone through just learning how to
be a friend and all this kind of stuff, and
then you take all of what you have take learned
in all of those stages, all of the skills you
have cultivated, and you place them in the nineteen year old.
If during those stages you've learned that you are not enough,
(07:13):
You're not worthy. If you learn that if you were
neglected and then all of a sudden there is a
need to say, hey, I'm gonna get what I want.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
You've learned that if you were abused.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
And the difference is neglect is something that was done
that was not done for you, that should have been
done for you. Abuse is something that was done to
you that should not have been done to you.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
But people who are.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Guilty of neglect, what you will find is that they
are constantly comparing and they also have a sense of entitlement.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
I want you to get into this because during this
stage six of our lives nineteen oh forty, this is
either the time of intimacy or isolation. And so if
I have been neglected all this time and now I
have this sense of entitlement, how am I showing up
(08:08):
in relationship serial cheater?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Because you feel like this, this is what you feel
you will feel like if you don't succumb to my
needs when I need it. And when I work with couples,
a lot of times the men you ask them, okay,
and I do this with premarital counseling. Do we go
through a sex agreement. I mean, it's not in you know,
a binding agreement. It's just like, we want to know
(08:35):
how many times do you want sex every single you know,
throughout your marriage, most of the men say I would
love it daily? Okay, the women say maybe once or
twice a week or something like that. However, now here's
the thing. If you have suffered from neglect and you
have not dealt with that or disciplined yourself or walked
the work through your healing, you feel entitled to daily
(08:57):
why because somebody deprived you when you were a child.
So the child is still throwing tantrum saying I one mind,
I want mind. And so the next you know, miss
Lola walk up in there and she'd be like, I
got yours baby, and you'd be like, you know what,
And then you'll blame that person why, and that person
will turn into your mom or your dad or whoever deprived.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
You of whatever.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
So as you begin to tell them why, if you
are justified, you may not say it like that, right,
but it's kind of like, man, you know what, you
ain't mean.
Speaker 4 (09:29):
But you ain't.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
You ain't an't, but internally you are actually talking to
that woman, but you're also talking to your mother. And
so the child will begin to rise up to the
mother because now they can pay for their own food
and they can pay for their own rent, and they
will rise up against the mother. And you will be
the mother that they rise up to, and if reverse
(09:50):
to it could be the father. We can we can
switch this to male or female.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
Love child. I don't even know where to go.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
It's places love without me getting on your therapists, puch
to that.
Speaker 4 (10:05):
Because it could go. We could go there quick, you know,
love could bring it, bring it a tears quick.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
Okay, But I mean it's so real because okay, we
live in a society now, Internet is We're running rampant
on the Internet. We have everything at our disposal. So
now it's not cheating. Now I'm just polyamorous and I'm
in a polygamous relationship.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
Now I need two queens for the king. You know.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
So what do you say to that appetite? What do
you say to that stage of development?
Speaker 1 (10:36):
This is what I say to that stage.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Please let me know your appetite before I get ingrafted
into a relationship with you. Do not surprise me if
we decided we're gonna be vegan and then all of
a sudden, you love soulful, we gonna have a problem when.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
It's time to go out.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Okay, so before just just say hey, I like a
bunch of them. Then I'll say, oh, guess what, we
are not a match and I get to walk away
if I have enough self esteem to believe that I
will get somebody else, or if I will live in
reality and realize I'm not going to change them out
of that type of way.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
So it's healing on both ends.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
But you have to have the courage to walk away
from what you know somebody has told told you. But
you also have to have not the little boy who's
the liar, but somebody who have the courage to actually
tell the truth about what they want, stand on it,
say it with your chest, and leave alone those people
who are not going to fulfill that fantasy or desire.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
That's the part right there. It's the honesty and the transparency. Absolutely,
it's you being honest upfront to say, hey, this is
what I'm interested in. I like to have multiple women,
I like to experience multiple men. Whatever that is right
that they were honest and transparent, but don't try to
flip it on me. Once we now a year in
and now I catch you in something exactly and now you.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
Like, But but you know I got a big appetite.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Yeah exactly.
Speaker 4 (12:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
And here's the thing. It goes both ways on absolutely,
because this is what I'm saying a lot of times,
what you'll find is the men who do have the
courage to tell the truth, they get badgered.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
I mean, these women come at them.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
No, let me tell you know what, one of my favorites.
Let them. Okay, if they have that kind of appetite,
let them. That is not something that you have to discuss.
That's not something you have to beat them up about.
That's something you stay away if you don't agree with it.
But let them. And so my thing is let them,
let them do that. H But don't encourage them to
(12:42):
go undercover because they are afraid of the ridicule and
the voice of you after they tell you the truth,
or because even though they tell you the truth, you
still don't listen.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
You still believe you have some kind of magic power
to change them.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
But but please have the courage men to tell the truth.
Please have the courage women to tell the truth.
Speaker 4 (13:03):
Yea, in'sti telling the truth?
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Well, I mean, but there are some predictors that you
said into really why we show up in our relationships
the way that we do. One of those things is
one of the top reasons or predictors of divorce is
contempt for your spouse. Yes, and so this plays into
that contempt, right, because you hear things on the back
(13:27):
end or you don't believe them on the front end. Yes,
and so now the contempt grows.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
See, contempt is that I look down on you because
of who you are.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
I am better.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
And that's why in a courtroom you'll see a judge
hit a person hard for contempt of court because you
were saying. He says, I'm the leader in this court,
and you are deciding to diminish my power. So the
woman that shows up through I rolled it like I
got four You know she might have four children. Oh
I got five. My husband is just a bit baby.
Speaker 4 (14:00):
You know that I so much.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Yeah, and so they contempt as though I am better,
I am more learned, I am more educated, or I
make more money. And that whole contempt thing is one
of the top four predictors of divorce according to research. Wow,
the contempt, Yes, and this is the thing about the contempt.
Contempt is actually the opposite of adoration, and what we
(14:30):
have is the one of the reasons why, especially male children,
the contempt is such so egregious to them. Is sometimes
not all the time. A lot of them have did
issues where mother never looked at them.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
In a loving way.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
But those whose mother adored them, there was adoration or
the grandmother who adored them, and the male child adoration.
What ends up happening with that adoration is they get
used to looking at a look in their eyes that
you know when you when somebody loves you, you know,
(15:05):
when you got their heart, you know how to manipulate it.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Walk up behind your mama.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
And kiss her on the jall and she'd be like, boy, exactly,
I'm trying to cook, you know. And so they they
learn that the mothers get a lot of their emotional
needs met, and so that whole adoration piece happens. And
then when the wife comes, she spells your dirty draws,
(15:30):
so she ain't really adoring you like that. After a while,
it might have started off as adoration and then all
of a sudden, it's just kind of it's real, and
you don't get it. But la la la, still give
you that look. You understand what I'm saying. So you
have to see that there is temptation out there. Sometimes
(15:51):
when there is adoration that has been lost and now
you have it and you're used to it, you you're
thrive with it. And so when that happens, it it
can affect your relationship with your spouse.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
I mean, but you said this in one of your
in one of your grow Up and Love sermons, in
the grow Up and Love Sermon from the Church of Love. McPherson.
You're not asking too much. You're asking the wrong thing.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
You really are.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Yeah, and here's the thing, And let me tell you
something that is true for both men and women, especially
as I watch what's happening today.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
I look at.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
One of the.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Questions they asked me was about he's a ten, but
he has Oh yeah, but but but.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
His car is junkie.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
And they said a lot of times that that is
I said, oh, he's still at ten, because we can
always go killing up the car and somebody, right, But
if his hard is junkie, you know, if he's raggedy,
and then and I'm not even talking about his clothes,
but a lot of times we're asking for the perfect guy.
We're asking for the tall guy when most of the
(17:03):
majority of what's in America the average height is five
to eight.
Speaker 4 (17:08):
Come on talk.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
We are asking for the We're asking for the rich
guy when our black men are making.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
The statistics show.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
And I'm not here to you know, but the statistics show,
whether it's been sussists systemically driven, it is opportunities. They
are ten times less than their well, their white male comumers,
ten times less than their male counterparts for many reasons,
(17:40):
for various reasons, they didn't even start off at the
same lines. And what we're asking for such a small
percentage of what's out there, and we're asking most.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Of all, what we're asking too much for is this.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
We're asking for people to heal our broken spaces. We
are asking for people to be our and nurture us
and love us and adore us. We're asking for people
to understand and predict what we want, even when it
comes down to food. We are asking that is just
absolutely ridiculous. That is because you are not communicating. That
(18:17):
is because you are not reality of Everybody walks into
these relationships with broken parts of them. Everybody has been
damaged at some point if it wasn't in your home,
walk out those doors and face the racism in this country.
And I promise you you will experience it on a
job or somewhere of friendship.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
You will experience it.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
You will not get out of this life unless you
dive right away without certain levels of trauma. And so
when we come in, we have to have the grace
and the love to cover certain parts of them. Now,
let me tell you something. That doesn't mean you have
to go into dysfunction. That doesn't mean you accept the abuse.
(19:00):
That means you asked the question can my love cover that?
And when your love, Kate walk away, don't keep.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Using that's so good love. I love when you say that,
can I love cover that? And I think that that's
the thing that we're not asking right because you talk
about how love goes from passionate, honey, all the dopamine
and serotonin is getting dropped off byby on.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Drugs, maybe you on drugs. Okay, this is going, this
is gonna end. You have to make a decision after
that's over.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
You gotta make a decision, yes, And I think that
that is the and it moves to compassion that decision.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
Are you going to be compassionate with your mate? Are
you going to now begin the work?
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Uh? Forty two years, forty two years in May, which
is next month.
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Mary is forty two years married Mary, And it is
forty two years and forty two years to one man.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
My whole life year twelve over here that you know
is forty two years for.
Speaker 4 (19:57):
One man, the one man, but my whole lifetime.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Whole lifetime. Let me tell you something.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Because of that, it was and people look at that
and they say, oh, they've been married forty they've been
married five. The glory is not in the marriage of
forty two years, you know what it is in It
is in the fact. It's not even that we love
each other still, it is that we like each other.
Because let me tell you, there are people, even your grandparents,
(20:22):
who sat in those marriages and they were not soulmates.
They were salemates. They had no other choice. Okay, how
and there's people right now who are sitting in marriage.
They are salemates. They're not soulmates. However, if you keep
doing the work, because every single part of those stages
of life and that happened to you, they bring challenges
(20:43):
and you've got to adjust. So it is my twenty
two year old self said I do. But I have
had to say I do many times after we buried
our parents.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
And we evolved. I do still because you change. You're
a different person.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
After you have children, you look different, you feel different,
you experience life different.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
I do again.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
After you begin to get older, your body changes.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
I do again. It is a.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Constant I do, And at certain ages people say I don't,
not anymore.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
And so what I am saying.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
To you is you at each stage there is a
different work to do in order to say I.
Speaker 4 (21:28):
Do, Yeah, a different level of work to.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Do, yes, a different type. It's a whole different type.
Speaker 3 (21:34):
Well what do you think that, because even you're saying,
we're asking the wrong thing, right, I mean, and I
kind of want you to go back to this because
I mean, you you married a tall man, like you know,
and she got tall children. Okay, they tire everybody tall
around here is the giants, okay. But there are women
who are like, I can't get with a short king.
(21:56):
I can't do the short king love.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
I know. I know he might be one, but he five.
Speaker 4 (22:01):
Eight, you know, And I came to what would you
tell him?
Speaker 2 (22:04):
I will tell them the exact same thing that I
actually told my daughter. For real, my daughter is tall,
like you mentioned. And what ended up happening is because
the short men actually kind of abused her, because if
there was some levels of jealousy or resentment I should
say resentment, so they would treat her a little funny
you know, oh, how's the water up there? You know,
(22:25):
just kind of making a little sny remarks. So I
saw her developed defensiveness against short men. So even when
the nice ones came around, I could see that she
would actually look over their head and do kind of
one of these things. And I said, Tiffany, I think
you act badly around short men.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
What is going on? So we kind of had this conversation,
because we have real.
Speaker 4 (22:45):
Talk, this happens.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
So she was just like, Mom, I just I'm just
over it, you know, the way that you know they
treat you and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
And so I said, well, here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
She says, I just don't believe God has for me
a short man. And I said, Tiffany, that may be true.
I said, but here's the thing. What you're going what
you are doing is the same thing they do to
you both is rejection. Men are rejecting you because of
your height, and you're rejecting men because of their height.
I said, so you are reaping what you're sewing. I said,
(23:18):
until you accept short men and treat them kindly and
value them for whatever height they are. And I'm not
saying you have to date them. I'm not saying you
have to marry them. I'm not even saying that God
has this for you. I am just saying your attitude,
your heart has to be open, that you don't judge
that package and discount it because it's about love. And
(23:42):
so she says, you know what, Mom, I'm gonna work
on that. She did work on it, and she said, Mom,
I finally think I'm there. You know where you know
I treat And I saw her it was the fruit
of it. I could see that she would treat shorter
men kinder, and she had more tolerance for the short
men and things like that. And God blessed her with
a beautiful husband and he's right there at the height
(24:04):
he should be with her in her heels.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
So yes, So I'm happy. I love my sudden law.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
I love that.
Speaker 4 (24:11):
You know, I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
I didn't gave some shor kings a good you know
what I'm saying, Like, and I might be taller than
him when I put these heels on, but mayby easier back. No,
I'm just like, yeah, you know, something might be short,
but I need to be long. Okay, okay, listen, I'm
gonna grow up in love though.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
And listen.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
And you know the thing about it, I think i've
because I've had conversations with shorter guys right and I
remember one telling me. He says, you know, in this
country right now, we if we body shame, we are killing.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Yeah, body shame, That's that's it, he said.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
But the only people you don't have to worry about
body shaming it's short men. You can sit in the
room make jokes about short men something we cannot help
because of our height. You can shame us all you
want and it's still a joke and nobody will protect that.
And so they short men are people too. They have
real feelings, and they also experience rejection, which is one
(25:17):
of the most difficult emotions that humans can experience. Why
because rejection means throw back, That means you once held me.
I'm not saying you know you once had me, You
had possession of me. You might have seen me in
the hospital room or see me in my mom's stomach.
You had possession of me. And when you saw me,
(25:41):
you made a choice to throw me back. That's rejection.
When you ghost me, you make a choice to throw
me back. When you hire me and I give all
that I've given and you desire to just dismiss me,
you throw me back. That rejection is damaging. It will
damage you physically, spiritually, emotionally, and you wonder why people
(26:04):
have anger issues. And so I think we have to
have a respect. That's not a joke to be laughed
at about something that you do not control. I think
you have to be able to look deeper in everyone.
Speaker 4 (26:19):
For sure.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
I don't care if it's a black woman, look deeper,
if it's a tall black man, look deeper. Because the
man that I had before my husband all those years
ago was shorter than me. So it was not about
oh I want to pick somebody tall. I wanted integrity.
Speaker 3 (26:35):
That's I think those are the things love, and I
think sometimes there are people like myself who look at
those things later on, right, because my nineteen to forty,
in that stage development, I was trying to work through
some stuff.
Speaker 4 (26:51):
Right. I finally got me some therapy.
Speaker 3 (26:54):
I started working through those that neglect and that entitlement
and that comparison and all all of that that I
had to work through. So by the time I got
to thirty five, I'm like, I'm ready to grow up
at love. So now you're like, I'm open to a
short guy. You know, I'm open to it now. All
y'all don't need to be coming up emailing and stuff vault.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Or yes, you can if you're a good guy, a
short guy, because the short guy did was a serious cheater.
So but but I'm telling you, but if you're a
good short guy, you go ahead and put.
Speaker 4 (27:28):
Yeah, a good one.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
But I think that.
Speaker 4 (27:30):
That is it.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
It's the integrity, it's the character, it's the kindness, you know.
And I think one of the things that a friend
of mine, who has been married for a number of years,
one of the things he told me in my twenties,
he said, Brandy, He said, yeah, you can want him
to have all these things, and he can have all
the money, and he can have all but is he kind?
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Is he kind?
Speaker 4 (27:50):
He said?
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Because I always he said, what it took me longer
to realize what I wanted from my wife. And the
thing I didn't get, he said, was I wanted somebody
who was kind because my wife wasn't always kind to me.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
You know, the thing about it is the short I mean,
you can be tall, but by the time you get
to my age, you could be leaning over because of
you know age.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
The thing about it is.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
Tall will not carry you through a marathon marriage. It
just will not take it from me. Tall is not
what I see when I come to my husband.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
He's tall.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
I don't look at and say, oh, he's nice. I
think is he a good man?
Speaker 1 (28:36):
Yes? Has he been good to my children? Yes?
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Does he still bring me coffee just the way I
want it every single morning?
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Yes? Has he fulfilled his promise in the that before
we ever got me? I said I hate doing dishes?
He says, oh, I don't mind doing dishes.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
I've never washed a dish well, So he has integrity
in that area to keep his promise. I don't care
if he was short or tall. If he's doing that
and treating me that way, he's worth my attention and
he's worth.
Speaker 4 (29:06):
My love, worth the love. I mean. Let's get into it.
The love does and the love does not.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Because you talk about this, and so many times you
do these conversations all around the world, and you're talking
to people about the love not, the dudes and the don'ts,
the love does and the does not, and many people
aren't doing the love does, and they're doing a whole
lot of love does not.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
Absolutely, you know, when I refer to that, I actually
come from First Corinthians, the thirteenth chapter, which I was
made to memorize as a child because my name was Love,
so my mother made me memorize it. But when I
got down to the eleventh verse, where it says, you know,
because it's the verse that talks about you know, though
(29:52):
I speak with the tongues of men and evangels and
have not charity, I've come, it sounded restidic. So it
goes through all of that, and then when you get
to the fourth verse, it says love does not behave
itself unseemingly love, love is not our own, does not
keep the record or wrong. It talks about all of
the does not. Love does not do this, Love does
not do that. But then it goes down to that
(30:12):
chapter and it begins to talk about when I was
a child, I spoke as a child. I thought as
a child, I reasoned as a child. When I became
a man, I put away childish things, and I thought,
why did they stick this in the middle of a
love chapter. I always thought that since a child, I thought,
why are they talking about children? Then I came to
a revelation and realize, unless you put away the inner
(30:33):
child's thinking and mentality, you will not even have the
ability to love and do what it says through the
fourth yeah and the eighth you cannot do it because
the child is selfish. The child is needy, The child
wants its own thing. The child is does not have it,
engages in cognitive errors because they do not have the
(30:56):
privilege of perspective of the whole world. So the child
comes to conclusions that are not accurate. So as you
go in and you're talking about keeping a record wrong,
that the child will continue to girls get together and
bully you because of one thing, childish behavior, childish mentality, me, me, mind, mine,
(31:16):
all of those things. You've got to release that grow
up and love. You've got to realize that during love,
love requires for the character of an adult, the mindset
of an adult forgiveness, integrity, honesty, sacrifice, loyalty, all of this,
(31:39):
all of those things are required in order to love
in a mature way. But you can continue to be
a little boy, or continue to be a little girl
and let the boy and the girl run your relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Daddy.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
For instance, if you were that child who waited in
the window for your father to come home, or not
come home, but to come pick you up, they promise you, yeah,
I'm gonna pick you up this weekend. They weren't, they
didn't live with you. Pick you up this weekend, take
you someplace. You get dressed, You're excited, you looking, you
waiting for him, and he never shows up.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
Yeah, guess what ends up happening?
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Is that spouse or that boyfriend or that girlfriend who
is late or cancels a date. That little girl or
that little boy will show up and show out. They
will tell you everything they wanted to say to their father.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
They will the trauma of that will show up and
display itself.
Speaker 4 (32:40):
Love, get off my street. I need you to get
up out my business.
Speaker 3 (32:44):
Love, because I'm telling you until I went to therapy,
I mean, let me tell you the tantrums. Yes, the oh,
the tantrums, the little eight year old, the disappointed eight
year old, the one waiting, the one who got promised
the bike and the bike never showed up. All of
those memory, they come up, and they show up, and
I'm sitting there and you tell me you're gonna do
(33:06):
something and you don't do it.
Speaker 4 (33:07):
Baby, ready for it? Here we go, and.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Let me tell you something. That little eight year old girl.
A lot of times you will find that that eight
year old girl is the one. And I'm not talking
about you. I'm just talking about it in jail. That
eight year old girl is the girl that'll be like
and and to make up she ain't saying this part
for this internal to make up for daddy who didn't
show up with the bike. I want you to not
(33:31):
take me to know cheesecake factory. I need you to
have this for this and I need you to buy
me this. Why because somebody neglected you and in your brain,
in your little child's mindset, it said, if he loves me,
he would show up with gifts. That I saw my
little friend when I went at her house. Her daddy
(33:52):
had gotten her a doll or a bike or this
and this. If my daddy loved me he would do that.
So when that man shows up, he better show up
with your he better show up with your barbie. He
better take you to the best experience possible because you
missed too many experiences.
Speaker 3 (34:07):
Honey, you better call him the Three Wise Men coming
bearn you have stady, you better come following.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
The north Star.
Speaker 4 (34:14):
Honey, listen. But that is the part of the grow
up in love.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
Because when you start to grow up and you start
to love yourself better, and you start to treat yourself
better and you stop neglecting yourself, well, then I'm not
I don't need to demand that from you, really don't.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
And so and let's flip that.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
We gotta flip it because you gotta be talk about
both sides what ends up happening. Also, when a lot
of men have mother issues and they are dealing with a.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Mother who was disapproval.
Speaker 2 (34:47):
I talked about adoration, but I did talk about that
critical mom, that dismissive mom. That mom was hard on
them because she was raising, she was being the mother
and the father in that relationship, and so he missed
the nurturing. Now, my mom didn't really give me love.
Now my mom I knew she loved me. She worked
real hard, but no, we didn't have any hugs. There
(35:09):
was no I love you or any of that stuff.
So when that woman shows up and she is giving
all of that, you don't even have the capacity and
the skills to receive it.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
You demand it.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Why can't you be nicer? Why can't you be Why
can't you understand the load she's carrying? You know why
you can't because you never even understood your mother's load.
You never had compassion for your mother. You've got to
go to the root as that child. You've got to
go back to the root. It's not just about just
deciding you're gonna love yourself, but it's also about forgiving.
(35:44):
And when I say forgive, I mean releasing your parent.
You've got to see with an adult eye, you know what.
That's all they had. And I'm not saying they couldn't
have done better, but you do have to say, you
know what this is, This is all they knew. They
were still in their child's state, and so it wasn't
(36:06):
personal towards me. Once you acknowledge it wasn't personal towards you,
you have the capacity to love the you that you
feel they rejected or they did not love, or that
they saw something in you that was not lovable. Once
you come to the conclusion, it wasn't me that was
not lovable, it was them that was not loving themselves.
(36:28):
And that's your whole that's your own issue. Once you
give that to them to solve, you unpack that off
of you. You separate and cut the umbilical cord from
that that they.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
Had over you. You cut that.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
On purpose and intentionally, and you begin to live your
life and say, I will begin to love me.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
So what you know what?
Speaker 2 (36:49):
I look at these arms with them you know they
covered right now, but they got little wings, and I said, arms,
I love you for writing that. What I need you
to write and typing and fixing my hair. I will
tell the body parts that we are like, Oh, I
just hate this about me.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
I ha, No, I don't hate anything.
Speaker 2 (37:05):
I thank my knees, I thank my teeth, I thank
I thank everything about me, and thank God for giving
it to me. Why I am grateful. I am grateful.
And we once we began to love the parts of
us that we felt was unlovable. I'm still talking about
self love. I'm talking about the physical parts. I'm talking
(37:27):
about the inward parts. I'm talking about the little girl
who got molested and did not say anything. You forgive her.
You go look her in the eyes and you love her.
You go look at the little girl who was bullied
and everybody shunned her. You go and look at the
little boy who had to sell drugs to help take
care of his family. You look at those people and
(37:50):
began to forgive and love them, and then you operate
from that point. But the first thing you do is
release the unloved partsview that you felt were given to
you and that you took on and began to give
to yourself.
Speaker 3 (38:07):
How difficult is that for people to do over and
over again, because because it doesn't just happen.
Speaker 4 (38:14):
I did it.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
I released it. Because I've done it, I've released it.
I had to release.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
And then that's like going on a diet. You go
over and over a keating.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
Okay, sometimes you follow off the wagon and you keep
get back up and you keep doing it. It is
both loving yourself and forgiving yourself is actually a process.
To say it is an event. You say, I have
decided that I'm going to love myself. That's an event
I've decided I'm going to forgive myself or I'm going
to forgive you. That's an event. However, you walk the
(38:44):
process process out daily, and in order to continue to
walk the process out daily, there are some things you
take away from your your routine and some things you
add to your routine. Like in a diet, you might
want to take some of those sweets out of your
house so they don't act as temptations, and you might
want to add some more fruit and healthy foods so
there will be accessible when you need them. So if
(39:07):
you know that social media certain places will actually make
you compare, because you already have you are prone to
comparison due to your neglect. If you feel that that
is a hindrance in your self love activities, then you
may want to look less at that.
Speaker 3 (39:25):
Oh that's so good, because of course we're all inundated
every day.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
Absolutely with that little phone, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (39:32):
And we get I mean, every message in the world
is thrown to us instantly, and then we sit and
go down the scroll hole. We wake up scrolling, we
go to be a scrolling We sit in here scrolling,
you know, all the things, and for.
Speaker 4 (39:46):
People who have been neglected.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
And you struggle with that comparison now twenty four to
seven right in your hand. You get to compare and
contrast your life all hours of the day.
Speaker 2 (39:59):
But the the problem is studies show that many people
when they are comparing their lives, it's actually miswanting. That's
a term miswanting. They think that if they had what
that person has, it would make them happy, when in reality,
the truth when Harvard studies, one Harvard study show that
(40:22):
in all of the things that people thought, if I
lose more weight, if I get this certain job, if
I make this certain income, I will be happier. You
think could be happy, but I would be happier. The
truth of the reality is it really the only real
true happiness came in giving back. Believe it or not,
the Bible is true. It is more blessed to give
(40:43):
than to receive. So when people were volunteering and doing things,
even like this podcast, you know that you're helping people.
When you sit in this chair, the people that tune in,
you're changing lives.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
So this portion.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
Of your life can be so fulfiling, even if it's stressful,
even if it's things that has happened.
Speaker 1 (41:02):
But it can be so stressful. Why because you're not.
Speaker 2 (41:05):
Here just taking you are here, giving, and so that
kind of stuff like that that is actually more precious
and creates a more fulfilling life and a more happiness
than some of the other stuff. Even if you know
with the mall right around here, I mean you can
walk there. I ain't saying you gotta not go through
(41:25):
there and it won't make you happy. But it doesn't.
It's not as long lasting.
Speaker 1 (41:29):
It's what you're doing.
Speaker 3 (41:30):
It's not as long lasting. I mean, forty two years
of marriage. What has been the key to making it last?
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Work?
Speaker 4 (41:39):
For you?
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Doing the work and recognizing when it's time to work.
Because when you see when I talk about liking, i'd
really I know people think that's a nice clue cliche,
But like is I gotta like what you have become
because we're all evolving, so when you get to the
next evolution, I still gotta like it.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
Let me give you an example.
Speaker 2 (42:06):
My husband, we're we're in our sixties down and when
my husband I remember sitting in the car and we
were on our way to our morning dates.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
We do it on on weekends, we date and.
Speaker 4 (42:18):
So you all day y'all have been married forty two years.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
Every week still day, every week, every single week.
Speaker 4 (42:24):
Love that.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
And so we were on our way to our day,
but we stopped at the cleaners first because we do early.
We don't do it at night because we'll sleep through
those dates. And so we we're the first ones in
the restaurant and.
Speaker 4 (42:37):
Give me a date party.
Speaker 2 (42:38):
We went to the theaters and I was sleeping out, like, man,
I paid three hundred dollars for these seats and I'm
sleeping and so so we don't we know better.
Speaker 1 (42:46):
So so I'm sitting there.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
We had to get to the cleaners because you know,
at a certain app you can't get you clothes.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
So I saw my husband getting out of the car.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
He's walking into the cleaning and I saw him kind
of leaning over, and I'm thinking, and I said, I'm
gonna tell.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
Him stand up straight. Now. He's tall, right, six foot nine.
Speaker 2 (43:01):
So when I when I met him, one of the
things I admired about him is because he wasn't one
of those slumped over tall guys.
Speaker 1 (43:09):
He was one of the tall guys who.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
You know, and when I saw him sumped over, my
first mind was critical about I looked in and I said,
I'm gonna tell him stand up when you when you
walk in stend, you know, taller.
Speaker 1 (43:24):
And then it dawned on me.
Speaker 2 (43:27):
I heard guy said, Love, that's what old age looks like.
And I had to actually on purpose except him getting older.
And then I said, well, why is that that I'm
having a problem accepting him getting older? And I realized,
I remember when my father started getting older and sicker.
(43:52):
It was hard for me to even go into the house.
My husband and my father were real close, and I
was real health and I'm named Love because of my dad.
Speaker 1 (43:59):
But I remember there.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Was sometimes and I would and I sat in that
car something I said, what's going on here?
Speaker 1 (44:05):
I said, it's hard to watch your hero weakend.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
It's so difficult, And that was real, and I realized
that day in the cleaners, I had not resolved that.
So the girl, the little girl who wanted her daddy
always to be this big, strong protector of her, who
always was, who was always present, and at the point
in which I was taking care of him because he
(44:31):
was sicker, that girl did not want that in her husband.
So I was trying to push him to not ever
be that. But I'm not saying he's gonna be bed
ridden or any of that, but I needed him to
grow older gracefully without rejection, and so I had to check.
Speaker 4 (44:48):
Me grow older without rejection.
Speaker 1 (44:51):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (44:51):
I mean, of course, at forty two years of marriage,
you've seen each other every stay, absolutely, every change of
your life.
Speaker 2 (45:00):
Absolutely, and changes have happened. Let me tell you that
we could sing the sung or change is gonna come,
and it did. Okay, so, but but he's loved me
at every up and down. And I'm telling fifty pounds higher,
fifty pounds lower, all of that. He has loved me
and never said anything about my weight. And for me
to have the audacity to sit in that car and
(45:22):
be about to criticize him for growing naturally older. But
he's still strong, he's still moving about and doing We
still walk thres three miles a day every morning, and
so you know, it was just a matter of just
checking myself. And I said that to say, as we change,
you gotta know that the work is never done. That
(45:45):
I can say, I'm a whole relationship expert. It's all finished.
It's been forty two years. I can gloat in that. No,
it either we gonna go to separate rooms and we
gonna just be a part because we too grumpy to
live together, or we're gonna make a decision, conscious decision
that we're going to still like each other, We're going
to still be cordial to each other, We're going to
(46:07):
still respect each other, even at this age where our
children can come together and continue to respect us.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
You mentioned something here that made me think of this,
and I had no expectation and talk about this. But
now there's the lat movement living apart together, right, and
people live separately their lives, they have different homes, and
they're married to one another. I mean, you know, we
talked about Shirley. Ralph has been in the news for
(46:36):
her marriage of however many years, and she and her
husband don't even live in the same state. And so,
as a person who's been married for forty two years,
what is your take on the living apart but together?
Speaker 1 (46:49):
Let me tell you something. I am such a fan
of that.
Speaker 2 (46:52):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (46:52):
I'm so glad you said that. I was.
Speaker 1 (46:55):
No, no, no, that's what I want.
Speaker 2 (46:57):
Let me tell you know why I'm such a fan
of that, and I know it could be a controversial subject.
Nobody has asked me that question. I'm so glad you
asked me that question. Yeah, because I get to speak
on it. The reason why I am such a fan
on it, and this is this is before I even
go there, a lot of times people will come with
the Bible.
Speaker 1 (47:14):
Oh, the Bible.
Speaker 2 (47:16):
If you're a Christian, you should be living together, you
should be sleeping seving. I'm thinking, do y'all even read
the Bible? Like they don't?
Speaker 3 (47:25):
You know?
Speaker 2 (47:26):
I'm thinking, did y'all realize that that those those queens
never stayed in the same chambers as their husbands? Do
you know that they would come in every now and
that they live separately and then they came together, and
so biblically, it wasn't even something that always was done.
Speaker 1 (47:42):
And so what I am saying to.
Speaker 3 (47:43):
You the only people that live together and share the
beard was the poor people. Y'all can catch me on
the internet for that one, because I know y'all come in,
but mindja manners in them comments?
Speaker 4 (47:53):
Go ahead?
Speaker 1 (47:53):
Is love?
Speaker 2 (47:55):
I mean, you could hit it for the truth is
the only you can come at it for. But if
you just go read your Bible, you'll find it to
be true. And I'm not saying you have to live apart.
I am saying you should have the freedom to live apart,
because let me tell you what happens when I come
to fifty year old women and they are single and
(48:16):
they say, I want to be married again, I always,
but always.
Speaker 1 (48:20):
And I'm not. I'm a married woman. I love being married.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
Me and my husband do sleep in the same bed
every night, although he does have a man cave where
he can have his part during the day. I have
my spaces. Everybody has their own space, so the girls,
one girl has a theater room, the other one has
the family room. So we got all our hangouts and so.
But with my husband and I, what ends up happening
(48:44):
is people think that you have to be in the
same spot. And I asked the fifty year olds, I say,
are you is it marriage that you want for sure?
And they say, I said, okay, you have your own
you're successful, you have your own house, all of that.
(49:04):
You do things the way you do, you go in
and out as you want. I said, you want a
man who is there every day, who is accountable that
you are accountable to, that you know you are. And
I just break it down, these are the things you
know that after you eat. That's not everybody's who needs
to be fed, you know, And I'm not saying he
can't be independent, you know that kind of stuff. I'm
(49:26):
just saying, these are some of the things for marriage,
the forgiveness, the you know, all of those things. Are
you ready for that? And a pause, and I'm telling
you at least fifty percent says no, I don't want that.
I said, is it just a companion? Is it that
you want somebody who's dedicated to you, who says you
(49:47):
are the one?
Speaker 1 (49:48):
And but I don't want.
Speaker 2 (49:49):
To get entangled with the whole, you know, I don't
want to get that. I don't I don't want to
give a license where we would if we had to separate,
you know, we you know, have to go through the
courts and all this kind of stuff. You may not
want that, you may want companionship. If that is what
you want, Please don't go just because the only thing
(50:10):
on the menu is marriage or or single. It's there's
some stuff in between. You know that you can create
them the menu. Can make some stuff at home, but
but there's some different Some of the most successful relationship
couples that I that I see are those who have
(50:30):
I know one couple who had. They they were older,
so they were successful. They had two separate houses, but
they actually were kidty cornered from each other. One lived
across the street and one lived on one side. And
this is what the uh they did that for. They
all had adult children, they all had adult grandchildren. They
wanted when their adult grandchildren and children came home, they
(50:55):
wanted them to have the opportunity where they didn't feel
like they were invading their their step parents' space like
we over at so and so's house.
Speaker 1 (51:04):
Really they wanted to fill the family home.
Speaker 2 (51:07):
This is where my parents, my family lived, but they
would come together, they would have dinner together, all of
those different things.
Speaker 1 (51:14):
There are different options.
Speaker 2 (51:16):
And I'm telling you, just if you don't know that
to be true, to go read the book of Esther
and see where she was when it was time to
go to her King.
Speaker 4 (51:24):
Come on, love.
Speaker 3 (51:27):
I think sometimes I struggle with this too, And I
think because I come from a very traditional family, both
of my parents, you know, staunch Christian backgrounds.
Speaker 4 (51:39):
I grew up in the church, all of those things.
Speaker 3 (51:40):
So the foundation of my life is very biblical and
very much these Christian principles and beliefs and guiding practices.
But then, of course, as you start to learn, and
you start to grow and you start to mature, you
find out WI wait a minute, there's some other ways
of thinking. And I've learned a lot of things in
(52:01):
my life. But I also know, like I teetter her
with this idea of what partnership and marriage and relationship
looks like, and I know that it can look.
Speaker 4 (52:11):
However you choose for it to look.
Speaker 1 (52:14):
It can.
Speaker 2 (52:14):
Yeah, it really really can. And the main thing is
the love and the commitment. Yeah, that's what you have
to really look at. It is the integrity of that
that loyalty, that person who absolutely is committed to you
and is capable of making a covenant to you, whether
it is a covenant that you say before the courts
(52:37):
or and get a license for it. Let's just tell
the truth right here in shame the double. First of all,
we went most of our lives without it being necessary
for a marriage license. Okay, a marriage license was introduced
to us because only in nineteen the nineteen forties, in
order to regulate who we married. They did not want
(53:00):
interracial marriages. So so the marriage license was introduced in
order to stop interracial marriages, and so as a license
that they can regulate. So now it is not God
that's getting you into these relationships. It is the government
that controls you getting in and the government that controls
you getting out. And many people are divorced way before
(53:24):
the government lets them out.
Speaker 4 (53:26):
Hold on, Love, I think you gotta rewind it back.
Speaker 3 (53:30):
You're said, it's not God getting some of y'all in
these relationships.
Speaker 1 (53:33):
It really is.
Speaker 4 (53:34):
It is that's the thing.
Speaker 3 (53:36):
Right, then, It ain't God that's getting y'all in these relationships.
Speaker 1 (53:39):
It really is not.
Speaker 2 (53:40):
And it's and it's not God that's keeping you in
some of these abusive relationship on And as much as
you want to say, oh, God hates divorce, God also
said he hated the abuse that that that the men
would put up on those women, because back in the
those days, it wasn't the women abusing the men, it
was the men abuse the women couldn't ask for a divorce
(54:02):
or any of that kind of stuff. So he never
he says that he despised that type of behavior. So
he hates divorce, not because he hates the vorce. If
you read the scripture, he didn't just say he hated divorce.
He said he hated the repercussions of divorce. How it
hurt the women, how the men were cheating on the
women and then coming on his altar and crying, and
(54:25):
it was so damaging to the women. That's what that
scripture is talking about if we read it. And so
what I am saying to you is that it was
a scripture of compassion, not judgment. And so we need
to go back and look at some of these things.
I mean, there are so I think that one of
the things for me is because I've had to really
(54:48):
do a lot of research. I've had to really do
a lot of study, and I've had to look at
passages of scripture, not just with the Western eye, but
I've had to really really research it with biblical times
to put things into perspective. And some of the things
that we have decided ore uh pre nupts, that was
(55:09):
pre nups. We're always instituted in the Word of God
that it's it's it's called the katura. It is it
is a pre nup uh uh And so literally that's
what how the men got out of the marriages. And
and I don't know, I don't need to take you
that far, but but it is a it is a
thing where we have not studied, and we are are
(55:31):
are imposing Western views on Biblical scriptures without placing things
into context, and because of that, we are failing. We
are failing at these relationships. And then we're not placing
enough emphasis on what matters. We are not placing enough
emphasis on character. We're not placing an emphasis on perfecting
(55:54):
our love walk and and and loving each other the good,
the bad, the ugly, understanding that we all have flaws
but loving anyway. I'm not talking about abuse. I am
talking about flaws. You have a flaws and I have
a flaws. All God's children got flaws. Okay, when we
get we're gon put away our flaws. And so my
(56:16):
thing is we have to understand that this thing called
love is targeted in a way where it is.
Speaker 1 (56:28):
Against us.
Speaker 2 (56:30):
We all want it, we're all chasing it, but we
don't know it when we see it, and we don't
know how to get it when we want to. And
we've got to perfect this thing.
Speaker 3 (56:41):
Yeah, we got to perfect the love walk we do.
What's one thing we can do for all our people
who are listening, because it doesn't matter if you're married
or single. We can all learn to love better. So
what's The one thing that we can implement into our
life every single day to love better and perfect our love.
Speaker 2 (56:58):
Walk gratitude, absolute gratefulness, because as long as you decide
that you don't have enough, you will impose those standards
upon your mate, the person closest to you, or your children,
or your parents or things. It will always be a
spirit of I need more, and that person will never
(57:21):
feel like they can win. You've got to stop and
look and say what are what have they given me
that I am really and truly grateful for? And if
you married that, it's probably some things. Absolutely, there might
be some things that they can improve on. But every year,
and this is what I would say, every year, maybe
you could do something that my husband and I do
(57:44):
on our anniversary. We get we go to our nice,
beautiful restaurants for whatever, wherever were gone and wherever we celebrating,
and we asked each other two questions. We said, how
has your year been happy? And then we ask how
can I make it better? We don't ask how you
(58:05):
can make how can I? What can I do to
make your next year happier for you?
Speaker 1 (58:11):
And we?
Speaker 2 (58:11):
And it's not about we're not just talking about happy.
We're talking about more peaceful, give you more peace, give
you more grace, to do better, to support you at
this stage of your life. And we listen and when
they answer, we cannot become defensive.
Speaker 1 (58:28):
That's the rule.
Speaker 2 (58:29):
You listen to learn, not listen to defend. But what
about you is know what about yous? It is a
exploration that we take down and we learn from and
we seek to implement in our in our love relationship.
Speaker 3 (58:46):
Listen to love, Yes, yeah, listen to love. I think
we can all listen a little more to love a
little better. One word love that you are committed to
in this season of your life.
Speaker 2 (59:01):
Giving why because I am at the stage in my
life until where you realize you're on the other side.
And I am giving because i am leaving a legacy
on purpose, and I'm actually almost at that stage where
(59:21):
I've always where I.
Speaker 1 (59:23):
Operated in my marriage. This is what I did on purpose.
Speaker 2 (59:28):
I set out to say when I was raising my family,
I said I would like at seventy years old, I
would like to come to the table like a Thanksgiving table,
and I would love my children to come. And I
want them to come, not under duress. I don't want
them to come because I pressured them, manipulated them, guilt
(59:48):
tripped them. I want them to actually be there. I
want them to choose to be there and enjoy being there.
And when they sit there, I would like them to
look at my husband and I and respect what I
would like them to look and in spite of some
of the bad things that have happened, that they can
look and see that life gave them great things. And
(01:00:13):
because of that, we would literally I would sit down
and ask my kids, says they were growing up, are
you having a happy childhood?
Speaker 1 (01:00:19):
And they would say no, because you give Christal more
than you give me or you know that.
Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
So they would tell me, and we couldn't become defensive
as parents.
Speaker 1 (01:00:26):
We had to listen.
Speaker 2 (01:00:27):
And so what I'm saying to you is I'm reaching
that and I see positive. I see my children when
we come with our family gatherings. I see them loving
to be there and appreciate it. We have good times.
One lady at the rest of her says, we was
looking at your table to see if y'all had alcohol.
Y'all laughed so much. Go out of all on our
(01:00:47):
table and just have fun. And I thank God that
there were decisions made and so at this stage of
my life, it's all about giving, not just to my
family but to the world. If I can leave what
I promise God and make my deal God, if you
will give me unprecedented wisdom about love because you are love,
(01:01:08):
I will rebrand who you are through my teachings about love.
Speaker 3 (01:01:16):
Love. McPherson, it is always a pleasure you are. You
have all the knowledge and wisdom about love, and I
love hearing you give it to us. So thank you
so much for joining me. Bought Empowered Talks another good
one for the book. Send us to somebody who needs
to grow up and love because we all can perfect
our love walk Until next time, I'm your girl. Brandy
(01:01:36):
Harvey eat well, give a damn move your body every
single day.
Speaker 4 (01:01:39):
Peace,
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