June 5, 2024 • 51 mins
Hey Light Shiners! I am joined by CJ a birth father who was on the show 2 years ago. He gives us an update and how he has been advocating for himself and his daughter.
Follow the guest on social media! @Childlessparent
Watch the video of this episode only on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/user?u=45714095&fan_landing=true
If you would like to be on the show please fill sign up here https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdFZxNnCSntbuvjrxjjvZco3BmsCVNELmU1WzlYPCOongNNiA/viewform?usp=pp_url
Please help us keep shining light on the truths of the foster care system by donating. Please click the link to donate! https://karlosdillard.com/checkout/donate?donatePageId=611ab8be7dbb68767abf984e
Follow the guest on social media! @Childlessparent
Watch the video of this episode only on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/user?u=45714095&fan_landing=true
If you would like to be on the show please fill sign up here https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdFZxNnCSntbuvjrxjjvZco3BmsCVNELmU1WzlYPCOongNNiA/viewform?usp=pp_url
Please help us keep shining light on the truths of the foster care system by donating. Please click the link to donate! https://karlosdillard.com/checkout/donate?donatePageId=611ab8be7dbb68767abf984e
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
Content warning. The Wards of theState podcast may contain material that may be
harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.Listener discretion is advised. Heylight Shiners,
(00:38):
Welcome to Wars of the State FirstParent, Birth Parent Edition. Heylight Shiners,
Welcome to another amazing episode of Wardsof the State Biological Parent Special.
If y'all know, every single Maywe highlight birth and first parents because they're
(00:59):
important. Their stories are important,and they're part of the triad as well,
and it's important for us to realizethat the stories that we hear from
former foster youth, adoptees, transracialadoptees, kinship placement guardianship placements, part
of their story is their parents' story. Right, So every year, every
May during Foster Care Awareness Month,and it's also Mother's Month, and you
(01:22):
know it's Mother's Day. Next monthwe have Father's Day. So these are
the two months which are really reallyimportant for us to highlight the stories of
the people whose children experience the system. Today, I'm really excited we have
an update. If you guys remembertwo years ago, you guys might know
him as childless parent on TikTok,but here he's done as CJ, and
he shared his story. If youhaven't heard it, like really in detail,
(01:44):
I encourage you to go back totwo years ago during Biological Parent Specials.
You'll see it there. It willsay Biological Parents Special CJ. Go
listen to the details of his story. Today, two years later, we're
going to get an update on howhe's doing, how his advocacy is going
for his child, where he's been, where his mental health is at,
(02:05):
and if if anything has changed.So Hey, CJ, thank you for
coming back on the show. It'sbeen two years since we last spoke.
How is everything, How are you? What's going on? Ah? Yeah,
I appreciate it. Thank you forhaving me back. The first time
was it was? It was.It was such a significant part of my
(02:25):
journey to connect with you and beable to share my story with UH others
and be embraced by a community thatI was very much a part of at
the time, but just new toand unaware of a lot of it.
So yeah, a lot has changedin two years. In the last years
I've been I've been really good.I think the last years have been great
(02:49):
for me in a lot of ways. The struggle is always going to be
there in many ways, but yeah, I think the last I would say,
the last two years have been great. That's fantastic to hear, you
know, yeah, two years,especially on TikTok Lane, it feels like
it's been like seventeen years. Itdoes. So much has happened if you
(03:13):
spend any time over on my platformso fast. I was talking to somebody
is they were like, yo withthe with the Kendrick and Drake thing over
the last couple of weeks has beencrazy in terms of drama, and I
was like, you are absolutely right. And I live on adopted tiktoks,
so I am very well aversive preparedfor just NonStop. Yes, things be
(03:38):
busy, things really be busy.But one thing that says current over there
is I do think that the advocacyfor children does shine through even when there's
bullshit. At the end of theday, everyone still has a main focus,
which is what I really appreciate byabout that group of people and everyone
involved in that. You know,everyone's really centered at changing the system.
We may not all agree how we'redoing it though, right right right,
(04:01):
I will say, yeah, thewhole whether you want to call it,
I think somebody I heard it referredto as the child welfare community on TikTok
is. It is a very act. I wish more people were just flies
on the wall and listening and listeningand being aware and sharing stories. The
(04:23):
stories that are shared are something thatI think for me are super helpful from
adult adoptees and former fossil youths andbirth parents as well, to just show
that how much we are not amonolith, the diversity amongst us as great
as you pointed earlier, we areso not alike that we don't always get
along even we on the exact samepage. And I think a lot of
(04:46):
people have in their mind this iswhat adoptees look like, which not even
just like how they operate, butlike look like there's an image of this
is what an adoptee is, thisis what a birth parent is all the
time. You're too pompous, you'retoo loud, you're too aggressive to be
an adoptee. I'm like, who'sthat that we can be all those things?
(05:09):
That's so crazy because for me,in my brain it is, as
I've been learning more again, nota monolith. But they're teaching. I'll
find I'll have students who I findout are adopted, and there are so
many things that like I don't saya loud in my brain. I'm like,
(05:30):
this makes a lot of sense now, And yet like some and they
like in fast variety of like thatstudent has not said anything for two years
other than like maybe a word ortwo or day, and that student has
not stopped talking. So it's like, yeah, the fact that someone can
say you're to this and to likewhat are you talking about? What are
(05:54):
you even talking about? Like whereare you getting your information from? And
birth Like, you can't be abirth mother because you're not addicted to heroin
at twelve years old, right right, you can't pass for a birth father.
You say you love your child,that's not what things are. Yeah.
So, speaking of sharing stories,particularly with birth followers, I don't
know if you caught the story ofEmily and her dad and her aunt who
(06:16):
I covered. I think it waslike two or three weeks ago, and
the foster parents stole her for eightyears and kept them in court. They
took it all the way to theSupreme Court, got their baby back,
and now everyone's like, well thedad, what about that? And I'm
like, literally, this man hasbeen fighting for his child since it was
an infant right, and I thinkit's important. I've tried to make a
(06:39):
kind of a transition, you know, from I still educate, but like
you said earlier, sharing stories,I have found gets more people's eyes on
it right instead of sharing even likeour personal stories as adoptees are birth parents,
active stories that are happening right now. Really it engages people like,
hey, this is happening right nowunder our eyes. And I really have
(06:59):
seen a shift in a lot offolks when because before it was like,
oh, he was a crackhead andwe got a little bit of that,
but now I'm seeing more of like, hey, this is a little illegal.
And the his story really particularly remindedme of your story, which is
why I wanted to have this conversationtoday. Where he was alerted after the
baby was born that there was achild. He showed up child's already and
(07:21):
foster care mother has already given upher rights, and instead of just like
handing over his child like, oh, here you go, sir, here's
your baby, they fought him.They tricked him into a family plan,
fought him and he and his familyhave been going through torture for eight years.
How is that relevant? And howdid listening about that experience? How
(07:45):
did that make you feel? CJIt It is there's always a two part
of it is one is always niceto know that I'm not alone, like
even in my in this best physiciessometimes of being a birth father, that
I'm not alone. And then atthe same time it's always like I wouldn't
(08:07):
wish my experience upon anyone. I'mglad I'm not the only one going through
it, but I would not wishthat upon anyone. No one deserves that
type of torture or pain and hurt. And I am really at a place
in my life when I look atparticularly how things operate within the United States
of America is like evil, disgusting, vile, just inhumane lack of caring
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and compassion for children on a grandscale. We don't know what like it's
I can't even wrap my head aroundit to say their way like we are
such an awful place in terms ofour humanity. And you can look at
us how we treat our children whoare in crisis. If you have children,
(09:00):
how does your country treat your children? In christis and we treat ours
like a commodity. I think thereason why this father just immediately didn't give
this child because you do it withanything else, right if you pulled up
I teach middle school. So there'sa hoodie that's been laying in the Lost
and Found for three weeks. Pullit out, we see whatever. Look,
(09:24):
anybody know who's hoodie this is?Somebody was like, no, nobody
knows the hoodies is. Someone's like, well, can I have it?
Like maybe I guess And somebody,oh, oh, that's my hoodie.
I didn't know where hoodie was.It's was buried at the bottom of the
other hoodies. Oh okay. IfI were to say, well, I'm
(09:46):
gonna give it to Timmy instead,everybody in the planet was being like the
fuck, No, it was hishoodie, It's like, and I'm well,
like, well he didn't. Hedidn't wear it for three weeks,
like so what? And I heardhim say that he didn't even like the
hoodie. Dude, it doesn't matter. Is his hoodie? Give him his
(10:07):
hoodie. But as soon as youput it in terms of children and the
difference is a loss and found hoodieis not very profitable, Carlos. There's
not much money that can be madeoff of a hoodie and the loss and
found, but a human being.And that's when it comes in. It's
like, how why would his fathernot just get his his child immediately offered
him ten thousand to fifteen to fifteenthousand dollars these foster parents to give up
(10:31):
his rights. And I was like, y'all know, y'all just asked this
man of traffic his own child.Yeah, you wart of it is,
I would say, of when youtell someone, because we get told,
you know, straight up, weget told all the time it's not purchasing
people, it's not buying all that. And then in this right here,
we'll give you ten to fifteen thousandNUO like the the the I'm so like
(11:01):
the fact that you think you couldnow put myself in his position, the
fact that you think you could buyme off like this from my child pisses
me off. Fifteen thousand dollars.That's it, fifteen thousand, fifteen thousand
dollars. But that because they thinkthat black people think that fifteen thousand dollars
(11:22):
is a whole lot of money.Fifteen thousand dollars is maybe for some people,
but even for a human being,for a child, No, fifteen
thousand dollars, Like that's so insultingof because I also like put it out
put it in this perspective though,what is also fifteen thousand dollars? I
(11:45):
don't even want to think about whatelse is fifteen thousand dollars? The adoption
tax credit? So what they justthe tax credit? So they're like,
we'll give you fifteen grand but knowingthat they're going to get a fifteen thousand,
so they're they're losing nothing. It'sgreat you said that, because my
(12:09):
next question was gonna be like wheredid you get this number from? That's
my where, Like where would you? Where did you because I've heard people
talk about like if you raise achild for eighteen years, is this much
money for medical bills? No?Na, So you'll think, like where
did you get like to put aprice on another human being sick name like,
(12:33):
regardless of the circumstance, to puta price on another human being and
say like it is these and theseare the same people who will say black
lives matter. These are the samepeople who open their mouth to say black
lives and you say, they gotthat fist and they buy with a dog
pick. But they're being honest,you say how much black lives matter,
(12:54):
They're like, I don't about fifteenthousand. So how has it so when
I first talked to you, likeyou said, you were just starting to
get like share your story really publicly. And over the last two years,
how has that experience been? Youknow, I see your platform sometimes and
I just I just leave heart emojisof support because I cannot engage. It's
(13:18):
already got too much going on overhere at water of the State. It's
been, Yeah, it's us been. It's been great the last especially like
TikTok is where I am mostly thelast years of followers have gained a great
ordeal or gained a lot of followersand like that despite like the app like
(13:39):
shadow banding me in intention, I'vebeen at fourteen thousand followers for like over
a year. Wow, Like itjust won't let me. Well, you
know that they just made new guidelinesthat say it that they will suppress your
content if it has anything sad init, anything sad in it. Yeah,
like sadness, Like there's this likeit's like sadness depression talking about any
(14:05):
like if you're not happy and checking. So like literally like I've been having
to intentionally like smile even when I'mtalking about like so today, guys,
we have three babies that are missing. I gotta oh man, I cannot
wait to start making more videos,making my my happy trauma videos. They
(14:30):
just they just started that on thefifteenth of this month. It's like it's
they will supressure content and they won'trecommend it if it has any sadness in
it. Sadness. Sadness that's solook, that's so offensive. And who
gets to determine what's sad You knowwhat I mean? Because I guaran you
know, no, it ain't gonnathey I bet uh Katelee Clark fans and
(14:52):
getting suppressed. I bet when Ibet, I bet any, I bet
any Taylor Swift fan who talk aboutlike I can't afford to go to the
car, I bet it don't getsuppressed. What is who defined sadness?
The algorithm and sadness a pretty muchany marginalized identity that has anything to say.
(15:13):
Just right, that's really what they'resaying. That's what it sounds.
We want you to we want youto dance, nigga like because it's like
this you we want you to bringyour one authentic self to this platform,
but only the parts that entertain us. Anything that that makes us uncomfortable sad,
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and you know, like I knowwhat doesn't make white people uncomfortable and
sad. When it comes to ussharing anything that that that that's not a
soft showing, they start getting uncomfortableand sad. That's crazy sadness. All
right, Well, guess what,I hope they like these jokes. I'm
about to I'm about to come withit with the adoption parent adoptive parents jokes.
(15:56):
You know, I'm going back to. I'm going back because like last
year, maybe two years ago,I was doing this thing where I would
do you know that I would doa stitch and then it would be like
me opening someone closing a microwave andme opening a microwave and giving cost effects
kind of like how those businesses weredoing like the most. That's how I'm
gonna start doing foster care an adoptionstatistics be gear because it's like I can't
(16:18):
beat sad, so I want todo this and I don't know if this's
gonna work. I'm gonna get introuble. I'm gonna get in trouble.
I'm gonna get in trouble for it. That's fine. I want to start
you seeing me. You know howpeople do the on TikTok to the videos
where it's like, oh man,Lebron James just scored thirty points. I
(16:40):
wonder if you'll go score thirty fiveand if you want to find out you
can support, then now that you'repaying attention, you can support this family
in palace signs that I like thatI want to do that. But instead
of but I want to do itfor like adoption stuff, Like now that
you're paying attention, do you knowthat adoptees are nine times more like you
should? You should make it,you should make it into your knees.
(17:02):
She could be like, hey,y'all, I just find out that all
crack all birth parents are crackheads,even me, now that I got your
too, because you know, gotto get that at like what what I
thought about doing that? Like Ijust found out even me, Like you
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know, they stay tuned in andpast that six seconds. Right, you're
right, thank you for work shoppingthis with me. This is no I'm
gonna start. I'm gonna start sayingpro adoption things like I believe that human
beings love is love and whoever doesn'tbelieve that is just racist. Now that
I have your attention, if you'restill here, oh man, I think
(17:48):
I'm gonna try to do it.Of I think I'm gonna try to just
be happy with it. Like ifyou have fifty forty do you have forty
thousand dollars to spend? Don't youwant a blond baby? Come on down
to the adoption agency and hey,if you only have twenty thousand, you
can get a black one discount threefifths of the price, not three fifths
(18:12):
of the price. So excuse me, during your last two years of you
know, advocating for yourself and yourstory and your child, what are some
positives? Like, what are somethings that you've seen changed? Have you
seen anything in the industry changed overthe last two years? Has anything even
changed from I know that I don'tthink you still have contact with with the
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adoptive your adoptive parents don't have wehave. I like emailed the adoption agency
and then they ford the letters tomy daughter's parents and occasionally they will send
a letter back in response, butit's usually it's all very like bullet point
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facts. There's nothing. It feelslike there's like no humanity written in the
letter, like like at all thepositives that I've seen, though, I
think are making so many more connectionswith birth parents in ways that I feel
(19:15):
like when I came when I cameinto the game, when I came in
the game as an early birth parent, I had people like Sierra and Dee
and Rosa, who if you wereon TikTok and back, they're still there
but not as active like honest birthMom and Commy Orphan and Sierra watchs they
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were, and like, I'm stillin communication with them, and they helped
me a lot when I was comingout of the fog as a birth parent
and like realizing like, yeah,what happened to me was not right,
and I know it wasn't right,but there's sometimes there was this thing where
it's like you feel like you're crazybecause everything that you're seeing in terms of
(20:02):
pop culture and that you were raisedto believe and everything else says like,
at the end of the day,this was a good thing, though,
and it just saysn't. So havingbirth parents to be like, nah,
shit's fucked up, and I knowhow you feel, and being able to
have them support me in ways wasvery very helpful. And then I found
myself making connection with other birth parentsas they are starting to learn more and
(20:30):
widen their eyes more, and I'min a position to be supportive for them
in ways that other people have beensupportive for me, which is what I
really like. And I had acolleague at work the other day tell me,
and I was talking about somebody wassaying like they would love for me
(20:51):
to one day, like talk infront of Congress about adopt stuff, and
I was like, I would bekilled and sadinated long before they ever let
me. Anyway, I hate thegovernment everything about them, so they're yeah.
But I was telling her to acoworker about how like I think I
was in a bad one, Likethe system was never going to change it,
so fix structures how it was designedto work. And she was telling
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me how she went to she hadjust come back from Disney World in Florida,
Disney World in Florida, and wasbecoming very cognizant of all the transracial
adoptees that were there and like alot of and she was like and like
(21:37):
watching how the parents, the waythe parents interacted with them and the way
that they spoke with them and theand and she was and she said,
so while you talking to me,like feel like the rules and this whatever,
like you, like I and othersview adoption differently now when when we're
(22:00):
when it's mentioned on television or anything, or were mentioning some of student mentioned
in the class and anything else,like I have a whole new perspective of
looking at it. And and thatfor me is really helpful to remember sometimes
that like not just me, butpeople on TikTok and other platforms, and
just and like people like you,especially you with advocating your voice and with
(22:22):
all the bullshit that you got todeal with, there are people who are
listening and and and hesitant in thinkingtwice again about like the other episode of
Modern Family is like you know what, I thought it was funny, but
now I'm like, or we likego back and watch different strokes again,
and like just every single time adoptionis used is just like a story trope
(22:47):
that's unnecessary. Ready to do that? Yeah, yeah, I think that
that's like a lot of people askme, like Carls White, like same
thing, why don't you speak toCongress? I'm like, well, you
know that actually is on my checklistbut I discovered that we like you,
the government, don't want this tostop. They want this was set up
by them for them. So Icould sit there and flat my gums all
(23:10):
day long and they're gonna be like, yep, yep, yep, yep,
yep, and nothing will change whatI have found, Like you said,
community engagement, getting people just tochange their idea and not support it
outwardly and ask questions and push back. And I feel like that is how
we're going to make systemic change whenit comes to changing policies. Yeah,
we could try to demand it fromthe top, or we could grow it
(23:32):
from the bottom and grow support andjust have people say, you know what,
there are alternatives. There are reasonswhy we don't buy and sell to
Relgium, right. And I seeway more of that, and I see
way more change happening with people oreven people like Carls. I never even
thought about false care and adoption.I didn't care, but like now I
do care, right, Or Ialways wanted to adopt, but now I
want to help a child and analternative. And then some people who just
(23:56):
weren't even aware. I think that'sa large part of it. Issues.
So many people are just like notaware of what it legally is. They're
like, oh, yeah, youknow Sander Brock girl. First of all,
that was ten that was a movieand he even got fucked over as
an example anymore, So, like, I think that's going to be the
(24:17):
best. Next thing is to keepalerting people about this systemic oppressive thing called
adoption in child welfare and foster care. It is, it's and it's sometimes
it feels overwhelming because I think aboutlike it's crazy. I laugh at him,
is not funny, but it's likeinsane to think about. There truly
(24:40):
was a time, and I'm nottalking about like a ten year period,
like a century long stretch where whiteliberals who consider themselves to be progressive,
somebody told them that slavery was wrongand inhumane and they were like is it
(25:00):
though, Like they had to beconvinced, like like how can you look
at this and you're aware they're aware, Yeah, where we get our cotton
and everything from and tobacco, Yeah, they make the blacks of the thing.
Like yeah, and you think you'resaying that that's wrong that it happens,
and like yeah, they have childrenand babies are sold whoever and families
(25:25):
are constantly toning apart and the other. We took them from another country and
they're not allowed to practice of religiousit's not illegal for them to learn how
to read. And they're like,I know, I know all of that,
I know all of that, butyou're saying that that's wrong though,
Like it's better for them though,right, Like they're not an African where
they're here, we'll give them abetter life. Yeah, there's some slave
(25:45):
owners and planeator where they're rough onthem, and yeah, I'm sure some
people, there's bad people everywhere,but slavery, Like it's a you can't
you're not anti slavery, right,Like that's you're saying abolished slavery, Like
that's crazy to think, but when, but that's how it feels when when
we talk about adoption reform and adoptionabolition and the human traffick of adoption people.
(26:10):
The way people react to us sayingthose things and like how dare you
make these comparisons and how dare yousays the right And the more that they
try to push me not to sayadoption to slavery, the louder I'm going
to say it, because y'all needto hear it adoption to slavery because some
(26:30):
point that somebody would saying slavery iswrong, and people were like they were
getting docked whatever docs was called inthe eighteen hundreds, like straight up for
real, they were people saying slaverywas wrong, and they were like,
we can catch you after church becausethe So what I try to remember is
(26:52):
like and all the heat we catch, like the reason we catch it is
because that's what avolition is. That'swhy people react to that like people have.
I try to remember there was atime where so the vast majority of
white people, the majoricity of peoplewho are either didn't know the horrors or
(27:15):
slavery or looked at at slavery anddidn't know that it was horrific, look
dead, asked at it, looksright at you and say look right us
and say, yes, there isa parent in crisis and a child in
crisis, and yes, I knowthere's a whole entire biological family, both
sides of the family, but you'retelling me the best thing for that child
(27:38):
is not to have their rights removedand be put into another family and denied
their culture and heritage for whenever tillthose people who paid for them decide that
they can have some connection. You'retelling me that that's not good, you
know what I mean? Like thisthey're talking about like that is like that
(28:00):
is adoption. It's like, youhave thirty thousand dollars and you could give
just fifteen of it to the familyand crisis and really help them out,
but you think instead that extra fifteengives you the right to change names on
(28:21):
the birth certificates. So let's talkabout that. I've recently started helping families
out with finances because, like weknow, it's less than five thousand dollars
to keep a family together. Thatain't a whole lot of money. It's
not in a grand scheme. Andwe've been fundraising, and it blows my
mind where people will be like getoffline, get off the internet, begging
for other people go And I waslike, first of all, y'all have
(28:41):
whole forty thousand dollars, go fundmes. Y'all have yard seals. You put
children on an American Express card toget cashed back. We can't fundraise for
these families there we we It's likethey're okay with them with adoptive parents fundraising
money to purchase human but oh,let you say you fundraising for a famen,
(29:03):
they should just get rid of thefamily. They should just get rid
of the kid if they can't affordit. Well, this family shouldn't have
a kid if they can't afford it. It's like the double standard. This
is the somebody maybe it needs tome, somebody needs to write a play
series of movie where there is afamily who is doing the gofund me because
they want to adopt the child,and then that they used to get their
(29:26):
numbers up, and somebody else islike, motherfucker, we want to go
fund me to keep the child,and now we have a grand scar and
they just come outbidding each other,outbid each other. People keep putting their
money in, outbid each other,and at some point it's gonna be like
whose baby is this? Does itmatter who who bids the most? What
are we doing? Because somebody elseAnd now I'm right to play and somebody
(29:48):
else is gonna come in and belike, well I got even more money.
Me and my who is so partpartner want a baby too, in
fact, and we think it's homophobicthat we're not allowed to bid on a
baby, because there's that's I wantto write that story. I want to
write a story on the first openlygay plantation owner who wants to buy slaves,
(30:08):
not open gay plantation. It's Carlos. It would be hard to be
an open gay plantation owner in sixteenthirty. And he out there and he
wanted his own slaves, and theylike, we don't want you to buy
slaves, and he like, butit's homophobic if you don't let me buy
slaves. I mean, weren't theyalready openly homophobic buck breaking black men in
(30:30):
the public, Like they already doingthat all your things, everything, everything
they do is the same thing youtalk about. Like you're gonna say they
can't afford a baby, they can'thave one, Well, they can't afford
one too. They should never gofor me everything about it, which is
why they keep changing the rules nomatter what it is, it is.
(30:52):
They always stories both they know Igot some stories of right, We need
you to write those stories because thosethings need to come into foulition, all
right, CJ. So things haveseen, things seem to be you know,
you're advocating, you're getting your voiceout. How many years until your
daughter turns eighteen and she just turnednine A couple of weeks ago. Nine
(31:17):
years is not that long. Lookat it this way. You already got
halfway. And I tell you,and I say, like, and there's
no guarantee that that it'll be thatlong. It won't, it won't.
Yeah, it might not be thatlong. Maybe people pull the head of
asses and just like give me somethingand then but there's also I'm trying to
like be aware of, like there'sno guarantee to shoot that she'll want to
(31:42):
find me at eighteen, like theway I see it, and try to
remind myself. And these are partof the things where like this is what
TikTok don't want the people don't wantme telling stories because the idea of the
adoptive parent is like this savior,good person role who wouldn't do horrific things.
And I say people, people arelike, when your daughter's eighteen,
(32:06):
It's like, if that is thecase, then what you're saying is the
people who are raising my child areintent they're reading my letters or hearing all
the stuff I'm saying, and theyare intentionally keeping her from me. There's
no way to do that without alsotelling either telling her nothing about me or
(32:28):
telling her things about me that aren'ttrue, because if you wouldn't be able
to say like, yeah, ohyeah, we know your where your dad
is. He's in Philly, he'shis teacher. He writes you all the
time about he loves you. Hemakes these videos for you know the other
things, that child would be like, well, I wanna say and what
are you gonna tell him? SoI'm like I'm always and maybe I'm paranoid.
(32:49):
And as part of being a birthparent of like what are they saying
about me? What are they sayingabout me that would make this child not
demand to know who I am beforethe age of eighteen and whatever they began?
And because we've both seen like ourfair of adult adoptees who will be
(33:10):
like stop getting on TikTok and sayingthese things, adoption is beautiful and all
these things. And I'm like,those are the stories. They are scared.
They're the ones that scared. Ihate to have the deal with that,
like and that like a fogged outadult adoptee, like, oh my,
they scared of shit? There areThere was adoptee and she was originally
(33:34):
from South Africa send her account endedup getting banned, which I was like
I knew that was getting banned.She was way too out there, called
herself the chosen one, biracial,super anti black, black father, white
mother, super anti black was shehad stitched my video. She was like
(33:58):
it was you know, I'm Idon't mind clapping back at anybody. I'm
very and nowadays up to be verycareful or hesitant to like to go back
at an adoptee. I'm like,I'm not also with the community. There
are enough adoptees who will go backat it. I don't have to do
that. But when the way thatshe was saying things, and there you
(34:24):
see for like the farthest thick thickand like beyond, this felt like the
brainwashing of like it was sad.It was sad, and it was scary,
and it frightens me that my childcould view me like that. But
she's being raised by white people whoI was talking to to. I was
(34:47):
sharing my story with my students,like earlier this year, a sixth grade
class, and they were A studentasked me like, well, do you
think your daughter's parents are good people? And I said, they know.
I wanted to keep her and theychose to take her from me anyway,
and they have kept her ever since. Do you think they're good people?
(35:12):
So bad people are raising my child. I don't know what they're teaching her.
I don't know what's uh, howshe's gonna when she's eighteen, what
she you know what I mean?So I but I have allowed all the
hope in the world that maybe itwon't be won't maybe it won't be to
eighteen, but also have to givemyself the space that whenever it whenever it
(35:37):
is like I'm I'll leah, Iknow it'll be them. And that's why
it's important for platforms like mine andother adoptees who have been specifically transracially adopted
for us to have our platforms.That's why I do the show, this
is why I have these episodes.It's because I want transracial adoptees who are
(35:58):
coming up out of the fog andbecoming adults. When I turned it,
that was nothing like the Internet wasjust starting to pop, like we had
Facebook, but as far as likeknowledge about this stuff really didn't happen in
a host scale until about like tenyears ago. And then I would say
it really wasn't accessible until about fiveyears ago when TikTok came out four or
five years ago. That's when itbecame accessible where people were like, here's
(36:21):
the link, here, here's whereyou can get this information. Here's where
you get that information. Right,And hopefully in the next nine years,
if we've done that, We've we'vebeen able to grow platforms and share community
and networks in the last four yearsand nine years. Can you imagine I
know where I'm going to be innine years. I'm going to be somewhere
out here making sure that your children, your child knows that, Like,
(36:43):
yo, listen, this is notnormal. We little fucked up in the
head. But it's okay, baby, because we've been there and done that
right, and hopefully there are books, there are more books, there are
podcasts, there are things and theresources that she will have that we didn't
have because all we had was alittle bit of knowledge statistics in the wild
(37:04):
wild west of TikTok. Like y'allare, y'all are the and I give
it to everyone in the trial,but specifically for the adoptees and former fosters,
because you all are the ones whoare at the center of it and
always should be centered of it.Of you all have truly have built a
(37:25):
brand new community and created a spacefor so many people that I feel so
honored that to be a part ofand welcome into and make connections with people,
And I hope that they're and Iknow that there are so many people
(37:45):
who are. The way I seeit is for every time somebody like leaves
a comment like on the positive anda comment on a post, there's probably
at least five other people who weremoved as well but just didn't comment because
they don't dang what people do orwhatever, like no knocking out whatever.
But it's like, so every personwho says it's like, yeah, there's
(38:08):
all those people and people who areI also love, and there's people who
the bridges started happening from people whoare again child wealth community, like from
the donor conceived community, and wekeep hearing these stories and people keep saying
things, and we and people whoaren't involved in like in any ways at
(38:30):
all but are listened to it.They're like, oh, I thought about
it. I thought about adopting aslike Nope, not gonna adopt. Maybe
I'll just go the donor donor route, and like, well there's a lot
to think about it there, andlike good whatever, your whatever, your
next step is the fact that youthought twice about two very problematic capitalists driven
(38:55):
into trafficking trafficing industries. Yeah.Like good, because too many people are
not thinking and like potentially not.That's been my goal this year, I
said in twenty twenty four, youknow, I'm done arguing with people on
the internet. I've done that toolong, so I need to I've done
it for too long. It's notworking, so I need to, like
you said, navigate and bridge thegaps. So I started working with adoptive
(39:21):
parents, and people were like,wow, Carlos, you're going to do
interviews with adoptive parents. I waslike yeah, because they're the people that
I'm literally trying to talk to rightlike they're and not only I find it
if I can get an adoptive parentwho's already adopted to come and say,
yo, listen, we know betternow here are the people were more empt
to listen to them than me,because they're like, hey, we did
(39:44):
it and it wasn't the greatest optionand there are all these other options.
So yes, I started working withsome of the largest families, like the
Wilders in their podcast with the DonorReceived community, they have a podcast called
Hey, their Parenthood. We didnumbers. We did like thirty mili in
views on that podcast episode. Uh, but they have two million followers,
Like, we're going to do numbers. And I'm charismatic as hell, so
(40:08):
you knew it was going to donumbers. But there were so many adopted
parents and on their YouTube, ontheir Instagram, on their TikTok being like,
wow, like we really have participatedin this industry unbeknownst. And I
was like, yeah, you did, you did. And I'm not trying
to say you're a horrible person,but you did some horrible legal right And
(40:29):
instead of sitting there and whate wasme and being like you're a horrible person
doing that. I don't want youto take that energy. I want you
to say, how the fuck canwe fix it? That's where we're at
now, now where we gonna Yeah, we're gonna do right. Same thing
with the donor conceived community. Idid uh insemination with Loura High five and
I'm not donor conceived, but likeyou said, our communities intertwined so much
(40:50):
because adoption is an alternative to infertilityissues, right when donor conception doesn't work.
Oh you can just adopt. Andwe're like, no, you can't.
We can't just do that. We'renot an alternative to your wants and
needs for human beings. So I'mfocusing on, you know, reaching out
to other communities. Hell, doctorPhil reached out and said, hey,
I want to and I said,I don't like you, doctor Phil,
(41:15):
But who is this democratic? Yeah, that's this key demographic? Are middle
age white women with a little money. Who am I trying to reach middle
aged white women with a little money. Just stop y'all from adopting these kids
and offer alternatives. It's funny.It's like as soon as you say like
no more, arguing more, talkingto the ones, changes like it's not
(41:39):
the a couple of steps for it, Like, oh man, it feels
like it might be safer to goback because I was like, I was
talking to my team about that.They're like, I got some pushback on
the doctor Phil thing. They're like, well, do you know he's problematic?
I was like yes, They like, do you know he supports trouble
team industries. I'm like, yes, yes, yes, I know all
of this. Well why would youwant to do it? I was like,
(42:00):
because he has the key demographic ofthe people are trying to me.
Also, They're like, well,aren't you afraid of his community and what
they're going to he might drag you. I was like, do you see
what I deal with? Every singleday? I get caught an in slur
at least twice if I had onehundred dollars, but each ever or f
(42:20):
slur like he can't alright, callme an effort on the national television,
right, He's going to have tobe coded. Also if I'm able to
articularly hold myself up and combat thesepeople and then not only combat them,
change a lot of their minds,right because they throw all these slurs.
And I say, Okay, I'mso sorry you feel that way, but
you didn't answer my question, andlet's stay on topic. I can do
(42:45):
that with mister Phil. I surecan, I sure can you know?
And I think that we need moreadoptees and more foster youth to say,
like, let's not the arguing thatthe void does work sometimes, but I'm
trying to not argue with the becausewe have kids right now who need help
right now, we have kids agingout, we have kids turning adults as
adoptees, and the who the fuckwatches Doctor Phil. Probably her parents,
(43:10):
right, that's all my adopted doctor. Could you imagine your daughter at nine
years old watching Doctor Phil, atransracial adopter, be like, hey,
listen, it's not all what it'shoped up to be, and we should
really reach out to your parents andeven like make a connection with the biolog
That's where I need to be iswhere the people are who are doing the
things, and they're doing the adoption. So why would I be over here
(43:34):
where they're not even at They can'tthey outside the club, they can't even
get in. I need to gooutside the club. So that's my that's
my focus. Hopefully I don't getdragged by Doctor Phil, but he ain't
listen. Even if the way thatmy team's talked about it and I talked
with my husband, I was like, good or good or negative, it's
(43:55):
gonna get views right, and thatwhich is that's what I need people to
do, is hear my voice andbe like, what is he talking about
adoption at slavery? What is talk? Let's go Yeah, it's yeah,
yeah, it's it's all again.The the heat that's coming you dealt with
(44:19):
and I feel like it's all gonnabe house money for like the wind,
Like people are gonna listen, they'regonna hear. The ones who are gonna
get it, We're gonna get it. The ones who ain't gonna get it,
not gonna get it. But yeah, the demographic of the people who,
Yeah, it's like being a Idon't know, like a beautiful terrorist.
(44:43):
You just go to the spots andhit him with hit him with these
truth box and listen to right nowand now they fucked up forever. So
like they they don't want it.But the next time do they hear adoption,
they're gonna be like sat on doctorPhil. So even yeah, what
you I'm not terrorism, right,we just want you to be thinking.
Yeah, we don't want you tobe able to walk. I want I
(45:05):
want to fuck up everybody's sitcoms andMarvel movies. I want you. You
can't. You can't watch Gardens ofthe Galaxy or Loki or anything Avengeance anymore
without thinking about adoption and how thesemovies use plot points and then be highlighting
shit without knowing that highlighting shit withI mean, like even like everyone's favorite
(45:28):
book, everyone's favorite book, HarryPotter, that series that's a series about
kinship, care. How about howkinship parents aren't supported and I recently started
because you know, I just starteddoing kinship care for my niece. So
I was like, because we werewatching Harry Pottery, Harry Potter, and
I was like, wow, Iused to hate his family, but now
I'm like, well, damn.They didn't ask for this little nigga dropped
(45:55):
door, he did nod. Theyweren't the nice his people. But like
Homeboy was also weird, Like Homeboy, weird was happening. He was born
and he was he was trauma.He was trauma all over from the jump
like he making it flowing ship likehe like he fucking with they kid with
(46:17):
magic and ship. It was likelisten, we I hated his his aunt
and uncle, but like they couldhave put him in foster Carol. There's
something about about him being magical andthem not that there's a transracial story in
there, Like they didn't know howto deal with his, with with his
with his with his black magic lass. And when they redo it and make
them Harold Potter, that's when it'sgonna be fire. When they redo it.
(46:42):
When when when they when they geta queer black writer to fix all
the ship JK. Robbins up.That's gonna be when we when we get
the story of Harold, of HaroldPotter or his twin sister who was a
lesbian that nobody knew. That's whatthat's the one I want, And that's
the one. That's the one,that's the one. Harriet, Harriet,
(47:10):
Harriet Potter. Oh, it's beenso wonderful catching up with you. I
hope to do it again in acouple of years and hopefully, oh my
pleasure, hopefully we'll have more news. And I'm just going to keep encouraging
you like I did two years ago, like keep up, keep it up,
keep speaking, keep speaking. Forblack fathers. I know that even
(47:31):
doing more stories, there's more blackmen standing up now. There's more fathers
in general standing up then. AndI can personally see that just by the
influx of people who reach out tome. They're way more fathers reaching out
to me, way more Dad's beenlike, yo, what are my rights?
I'm like, brother, you know, like they don't we know they're
(47:51):
rights. Yeah, And I thinkthat your voice and other father's voice voices
have definitely made that influx. SoI always ask this on every single episode,
what's something and I'm going to kindof change it for you a little
bit. What's something that you wouldsuggest or a piece of advice that you
would suggest a birth parent who's tryingto share their story on social media.
(48:12):
What's something that you've learned that hasbeen working for you that's a birth parent.
Something that has been working for meis following wherever your heart takes you.
There are I found that there arecertain books that I reread without knowing
(48:39):
exactly why, certain movies or televisionshows that they can like just lean into
that, lean into that, leaninto that, and just find out what
the connection is with these stories.I'm a big story person. I think
stories that will make us. Ithink that's the word about hearing each other's
(49:01):
stories. How we learn about eachother, connect with each other, find
our similarities, find the differences thatmake us beautiful. And therapy. I
know that's a privilege that everybody has, but therapy has allowed me to make
connections with those with myself more andjust being a birth parent. Man,
(49:24):
you or you are eternally grieving,there there's no way to heal that pain.
It's a wound that remains open andyou just learn to learn and live
and adjust with it, and traumaworks for all of us in strange ways,
and leaning into the trauma may bea strange thing to say, but
(49:45):
safely leaning into it and going withwhat feels right allow yourself to be Hopefully
that makes sense. I love itall right, CJ. Well, where
can people find you? Do youhave any social media? Any projects?
Anything you want people to do?I have, so find me child,
(50:05):
childlest parent on TikTok is with whereyou can find me mostly Instagram, c
J. And milorady is where youcan find me. I'm trying to get
my I G game up a littlebit. Maybe that'll be what I do
when school is out for the song? Did you see the updates on I
G? It's just like TikTok.You can respond to comments now with video.
(50:28):
You can do green screen it's alittle bit, and you can use
gifts and stickers in the comments section. So if you don't want to be
mean, you can be like bitchand like put like a little gift of
somebody beating them up. I likeit? Can I can? I?
But can I be sad on it? Yes? You can be sad?
(50:50):
All right? CJ. Well,thank you so much for joining and like
I say every week, like shyness, please please please do listen to the
lived experience of everyone in the triad. I do these specials once a year
because I think it's important to showuh the birth parents' voices. And I'm
so happy that CJ is able tocome today and catch us up and inspire
us. And I inspire and inspireyou who's listening to do something about this,
(51:15):
this horrible industry called adoption in fostercare. So always shine your light,
like I always say, because younever know who you might be inspiring.
And then to next week, guys, I'll see you later.
Content warning. The Wards of theState podcast may contain material that may be
harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.Listener discretion is advised. Heylight Shiners,
(00:38):
Welcome to Wars of the State FirstParent, Birth Parent Edition. Heylight Shiners,
Welcome to another amazing episode of Wardsof the State Biological Parent Special.
If y'all know, every single Maywe highlight birth and first parents because they're
(00:59):
important. Their stories are important,and they're part of the triad as well,
and it's important for us to realizethat the stories that we hear from
former foster youth, adoptees, transracialadoptees, kinship placement guardianship placements, part
of their story is their parents' story. Right, So every year, every
May during Foster Care Awareness Month,and it's also Mother's Month, and you
(01:22):
know it's Mother's Day. Next monthwe have Father's Day. So these are
the two months which are really reallyimportant for us to highlight the stories of
the people whose children experience the system. Today, I'm really excited we have
an update. If you guys remembertwo years ago, you guys might know
him as childless parent on TikTok,but here he's done as CJ, and
he shared his story. If youhaven't heard it, like really in detail,
(01:44):
I encourage you to go back totwo years ago during Biological Parent Specials.
You'll see it there. It willsay Biological Parents Special CJ. Go
listen to the details of his story. Today, two years later, we're
going to get an update on howhe's doing, how his advocacy is going
for his child, where he's been, where his mental health is at,
(02:05):
and if if anything has changed.So Hey, CJ, thank you for
coming back on the show. It'sbeen two years since we last spoke.
How is everything, How are you? What's going on? Ah? Yeah,
I appreciate it. Thank you forhaving me back. The first time
was it was? It was.It was such a significant part of my
(02:25):
journey to connect with you and beable to share my story with UH others
and be embraced by a community thatI was very much a part of at
the time, but just new toand unaware of a lot of it.
So yeah, a lot has changedin two years. In the last years
I've been I've been really good.I think the last years have been great
(02:49):
for me in a lot of ways. The struggle is always going to be
there in many ways, but yeah, I think the last I would say,
the last two years have been great. That's fantastic to hear, you
know, yeah, two years,especially on TikTok Lane, it feels like
it's been like seventeen years. Itdoes. So much has happened if you
(03:13):
spend any time over on my platformso fast. I was talking to somebody
is they were like, yo withthe with the Kendrick and Drake thing over
the last couple of weeks has beencrazy in terms of drama, and I
was like, you are absolutely right. And I live on adopted tiktoks,
so I am very well aversive preparedfor just NonStop. Yes, things be
(03:38):
busy, things really be busy.But one thing that says current over there
is I do think that the advocacyfor children does shine through even when there's
bullshit. At the end of theday, everyone still has a main focus,
which is what I really appreciate byabout that group of people and everyone
involved in that. You know,everyone's really centered at changing the system.
We may not all agree how we'redoing it though, right right right,
(04:01):
I will say, yeah, thewhole whether you want to call it,
I think somebody I heard it referredto as the child welfare community on TikTok
is. It is a very act. I wish more people were just flies
on the wall and listening and listeningand being aware and sharing stories. The
(04:23):
stories that are shared are something thatI think for me are super helpful from
adult adoptees and former fossil youths andbirth parents as well, to just show
that how much we are not amonolith, the diversity amongst us as great
as you pointed earlier, we areso not alike that we don't always get
along even we on the exact samepage. And I think a lot of
(04:46):
people have in their mind this iswhat adoptees look like, which not even
just like how they operate, butlike look like there's an image of this
is what an adoptee is, thisis what a birth parent is all the
time. You're too pompous, you'retoo loud, you're too aggressive to be
an adoptee. I'm like, who'sthat that we can be all those things?
(05:09):
That's so crazy because for me,in my brain it is, as
I've been learning more again, nota monolith. But they're teaching. I'll
find I'll have students who I findout are adopted, and there are so
many things that like I don't saya loud in my brain. I'm like,
(05:30):
this makes a lot of sense now, And yet like some and they
like in fast variety of like thatstudent has not said anything for two years
other than like maybe a word ortwo or day, and that student has
not stopped talking. So it's like, yeah, the fact that someone can
say you're to this and to likewhat are you talking about? What are
(05:54):
you even talking about? Like whereare you getting your information from? And
birth Like, you can't be abirth mother because you're not addicted to heroin
at twelve years old, right right, you can't pass for a birth father.
You say you love your child,that's not what things are. Yeah.
So, speaking of sharing stories,particularly with birth followers, I don't
know if you caught the story ofEmily and her dad and her aunt who
(06:16):
I covered. I think it waslike two or three weeks ago, and
the foster parents stole her for eightyears and kept them in court. They
took it all the way to theSupreme Court, got their baby back,
and now everyone's like, well thedad, what about that? And I'm
like, literally, this man hasbeen fighting for his child since it was
an infant right, and I thinkit's important. I've tried to make a
(06:39):
kind of a transition, you know, from I still educate, but like
you said earlier, sharing stories,I have found gets more people's eyes on
it right instead of sharing even likeour personal stories as adoptees are birth parents,
active stories that are happening right now. Really it engages people like,
hey, this is happening right nowunder our eyes. And I really have
(06:59):
seen a shift in a lot offolks when because before it was like,
oh, he was a crackhead andwe got a little bit of that,
but now I'm seeing more of like, hey, this is a little illegal.
And the his story really particularly remindedme of your story, which is
why I wanted to have this conversationtoday. Where he was alerted after the
baby was born that there was achild. He showed up child's already and
(07:21):
foster care mother has already given upher rights, and instead of just like
handing over his child like, oh, here you go, sir, here's
your baby, they fought him.They tricked him into a family plan,
fought him and he and his familyhave been going through torture for eight years.
How is that relevant? And howdid listening about that experience? How
(07:45):
did that make you feel? CJIt It is there's always a two part
of it is one is always niceto know that I'm not alone, like
even in my in this best physiciessometimes of being a birth father, that
I'm not alone. And then atthe same time it's always like I wouldn't
(08:07):
wish my experience upon anyone. I'mglad I'm not the only one going through
it, but I would not wishthat upon anyone. No one deserves that
type of torture or pain and hurt. And I am really at a place
in my life when I look atparticularly how things operate within the United States
of America is like evil, disgusting, vile, just inhumane lack of caring
(08:39):
and compassion for children on a grandscale. We don't know what like it's
I can't even wrap my head aroundit to say their way like we are
such an awful place in terms ofour humanity. And you can look at
us how we treat our children whoare in crisis. If you have children,
(09:00):
how does your country treat your children? In christis and we treat ours
like a commodity. I think thereason why this father just immediately didn't give
this child because you do it withanything else, right if you pulled up
I teach middle school. So there'sa hoodie that's been laying in the Lost
and Found for three weeks. Pullit out, we see whatever. Look,
(09:24):
anybody know who's hoodie this is?Somebody was like, no, nobody
knows the hoodies is. Someone's like, well, can I have it?
Like maybe I guess And somebody,oh, oh, that's my hoodie.
I didn't know where hoodie was.It's was buried at the bottom of the
other hoodies. Oh okay. IfI were to say, well, I'm
(09:46):
gonna give it to Timmy instead,everybody in the planet was being like the
fuck, No, it was hishoodie, It's like, and I'm well,
like, well he didn't. Hedidn't wear it for three weeks,
like so what? And I heardhim say that he didn't even like the
hoodie. Dude, it doesn't matter. Is his hoodie? Give him his
(10:07):
hoodie. But as soon as youput it in terms of children and the
difference is a loss and found hoodieis not very profitable, Carlos. There's
not much money that can be madeoff of a hoodie and the loss and
found, but a human being.And that's when it comes in. It's
like, how why would his fathernot just get his his child immediately offered
him ten thousand to fifteen to fifteenthousand dollars these foster parents to give up
(10:31):
his rights. And I was like, y'all know, y'all just asked this
man of traffic his own child.Yeah, you wart of it is,
I would say, of when youtell someone, because we get told,
you know, straight up, weget told all the time it's not purchasing
people, it's not buying all that. And then in this right here,
we'll give you ten to fifteen thousandNUO like the the the I'm so like
(11:01):
the fact that you think you couldnow put myself in his position, the
fact that you think you could buyme off like this from my child pisses
me off. Fifteen thousand dollars.That's it, fifteen thousand, fifteen thousand
dollars. But that because they thinkthat black people think that fifteen thousand dollars
(11:22):
is a whole lot of money.Fifteen thousand dollars is maybe for some people,
but even for a human being,for a child, No, fifteen
thousand dollars, Like that's so insultingof because I also like put it out
put it in this perspective though,what is also fifteen thousand dollars? I
(11:45):
don't even want to think about whatelse is fifteen thousand dollars? The adoption
tax credit? So what they justthe tax credit? So they're like,
we'll give you fifteen grand but knowingthat they're going to get a fifteen thousand,
so they're they're losing nothing. It'sgreat you said that, because my
(12:09):
next question was gonna be like wheredid you get this number from? That's
my where, Like where would you? Where did you because I've heard people
talk about like if you raise achild for eighteen years, is this much
money for medical bills? No?Na, So you'll think, like where
did you get like to put aprice on another human being sick name like,
(12:33):
regardless of the circumstance, to puta price on another human being and
say like it is these and theseare the same people who will say black
lives matter. These are the samepeople who open their mouth to say black
lives and you say, they gotthat fist and they buy with a dog
pick. But they're being honest,you say how much black lives matter,
(12:54):
They're like, I don't about fifteenthousand. So how has it so when
I first talked to you, likeyou said, you were just starting to
get like share your story really publicly. And over the last two years,
how has that experience been? Youknow, I see your platform sometimes and
I just I just leave heart emojisof support because I cannot engage. It's
(13:18):
already got too much going on overhere at water of the State. It's
been, Yeah, it's us been. It's been great the last especially like
TikTok is where I am mostly thelast years of followers have gained a great
ordeal or gained a lot of followersand like that despite like the app like
(13:39):
shadow banding me in intention, I'vebeen at fourteen thousand followers for like over
a year. Wow, Like itjust won't let me. Well, you
know that they just made new guidelinesthat say it that they will suppress your
content if it has anything sad init, anything sad in it. Yeah,
like sadness, Like there's this likeit's like sadness depression talking about any
(14:05):
like if you're not happy and checking. So like literally like I've been having
to intentionally like smile even when I'mtalking about like so today, guys,
we have three babies that are missing. I gotta oh man, I cannot
wait to start making more videos,making my my happy trauma videos. They
(14:30):
just they just started that on thefifteenth of this month. It's like it's
they will supressure content and they won'trecommend it if it has any sadness in
it. Sadness. Sadness that's solook, that's so offensive. And who
gets to determine what's sad You knowwhat I mean? Because I guaran you
know, no, it ain't gonnathey I bet uh Katelee Clark fans and
(14:52):
getting suppressed. I bet when Ibet, I bet any, I bet
any Taylor Swift fan who talk aboutlike I can't afford to go to the
car, I bet it don't getsuppressed. What is who defined sadness?
The algorithm and sadness a pretty muchany marginalized identity that has anything to say.
(15:13):
Just right, that's really what they'resaying. That's what it sounds.
We want you to we want youto dance, nigga like because it's like
this you we want you to bringyour one authentic self to this platform,
but only the parts that entertain us. Anything that that makes us uncomfortable sad,
(15:35):
and you know, like I knowwhat doesn't make white people uncomfortable and
sad. When it comes to ussharing anything that that that that's not a
soft showing, they start getting uncomfortableand sad. That's crazy sadness. All
right, Well, guess what,I hope they like these jokes. I'm
about to I'm about to come withit with the adoption parent adoptive parents jokes.
(15:56):
You know, I'm going back to. I'm going back because like last
year, maybe two years ago,I was doing this thing where I would
do you know that I would doa stitch and then it would be like
me opening someone closing a microwave andme opening a microwave and giving cost effects
kind of like how those businesses weredoing like the most. That's how I'm
gonna start doing foster care an adoptionstatistics be gear because it's like I can't
(16:18):
beat sad, so I want todo this and I don't know if this's
gonna work. I'm gonna get introuble. I'm gonna get in trouble.
I'm gonna get in trouble for it. That's fine. I want to start
you seeing me. You know howpeople do the on TikTok to the videos
where it's like, oh man,Lebron James just scored thirty points. I
(16:40):
wonder if you'll go score thirty fiveand if you want to find out you
can support, then now that you'repaying attention, you can support this family
in palace signs that I like thatI want to do that. But instead
of but I want to do itfor like adoption stuff, Like now that
you're paying attention, do you knowthat adoptees are nine times more like you
should? You should make it,you should make it into your knees.
(17:02):
She could be like, hey,y'all, I just find out that all
crack all birth parents are crackheads,even me, now that I got your
too, because you know, gotto get that at like what what I
thought about doing that? Like Ijust found out even me, Like you
(17:26):
know, they stay tuned in andpast that six seconds. Right, you're
right, thank you for work shoppingthis with me. This is no I'm
gonna start. I'm gonna start sayingpro adoption things like I believe that human
beings love is love and whoever doesn'tbelieve that is just racist. Now that
I have your attention, if you'restill here, oh man, I think
(17:48):
I'm gonna try to do it.Of I think I'm gonna try to just
be happy with it. Like ifyou have fifty forty do you have forty
thousand dollars to spend? Don't youwant a blond baby? Come on down
to the adoption agency and hey,if you only have twenty thousand, you
can get a black one discount threefifths of the price, not three fifths
(18:12):
of the price. So excuse me, during your last two years of you
know, advocating for yourself and yourstory and your child, what are some
positives? Like, what are somethings that you've seen changed? Have you
seen anything in the industry changed overthe last two years? Has anything even
changed from I know that I don'tthink you still have contact with with the
(18:33):
adoptive your adoptive parents don't have wehave. I like emailed the adoption agency
and then they ford the letters tomy daughter's parents and occasionally they will send
a letter back in response, butit's usually it's all very like bullet point
(18:53):
facts. There's nothing. It feelslike there's like no humanity written in the
letter, like like at all thepositives that I've seen, though, I
think are making so many more connectionswith birth parents in ways that I feel
(19:15):
like when I came when I cameinto the game, when I came in
the game as an early birth parent, I had people like Sierra and Dee
and Rosa, who if you wereon TikTok and back, they're still there
but not as active like honest birthMom and Commy Orphan and Sierra watchs they
(19:38):
were, and like, I'm stillin communication with them, and they helped
me a lot when I was comingout of the fog as a birth parent
and like realizing like, yeah,what happened to me was not right,
and I know it wasn't right,but there's sometimes there was this thing where
it's like you feel like you're crazybecause everything that you're seeing in terms of
(20:02):
pop culture and that you were raisedto believe and everything else says like,
at the end of the day,this was a good thing, though,
and it just saysn't. So havingbirth parents to be like, nah,
shit's fucked up, and I knowhow you feel, and being able to
have them support me in ways wasvery very helpful. And then I found
myself making connection with other birth parentsas they are starting to learn more and
(20:30):
widen their eyes more, and I'min a position to be supportive for them
in ways that other people have beensupportive for me, which is what I
really like. And I had acolleague at work the other day tell me,
and I was talking about somebody wassaying like they would love for me
(20:51):
to one day, like talk infront of Congress about adopt stuff, and
I was like, I would bekilled and sadinated long before they ever let
me. Anyway, I hate thegovernment everything about them, so they're yeah.
But I was telling her to acoworker about how like I think I
was in a bad one, Likethe system was never going to change it,
so fix structures how it was designedto work. And she was telling
(21:14):
me how she went to she hadjust come back from Disney World in Florida,
Disney World in Florida, and wasbecoming very cognizant of all the transracial
adoptees that were there and like alot of and she was like and like
(21:37):
watching how the parents, the waythe parents interacted with them and the way
that they spoke with them and theand and she was and she said,
so while you talking to me,like feel like the rules and this whatever,
like you, like I and othersview adoption differently now when when we're
(22:00):
when it's mentioned on television or anything, or were mentioning some of student mentioned
in the class and anything else,like I have a whole new perspective of
looking at it. And and thatfor me is really helpful to remember sometimes
that like not just me, butpeople on TikTok and other platforms, and
just and like people like you,especially you with advocating your voice and with
(22:22):
all the bullshit that you got todeal with, there are people who are
listening and and and hesitant in thinkingtwice again about like the other episode of
Modern Family is like you know what, I thought it was funny, but
now I'm like, or we likego back and watch different strokes again,
and like just every single time adoptionis used is just like a story trope
(22:47):
that's unnecessary. Ready to do that? Yeah, yeah, I think that
that's like a lot of people askme, like Carls White, like same
thing, why don't you speak toCongress? I'm like, well, you
know that actually is on my checklistbut I discovered that we like you,
the government, don't want this tostop. They want this was set up
by them for them. So Icould sit there and flat my gums all
(23:10):
day long and they're gonna be like, yep, yep, yep, yep,
yep, and nothing will change whatI have found, Like you said,
community engagement, getting people just tochange their idea and not support it
outwardly and ask questions and push back. And I feel like that is how
we're going to make systemic change whenit comes to changing policies. Yeah,
we could try to demand it fromthe top, or we could grow it
(23:32):
from the bottom and grow support andjust have people say, you know what,
there are alternatives. There are reasonswhy we don't buy and sell to
Relgium, right. And I seeway more of that, and I see
way more change happening with people oreven people like Carls. I never even
thought about false care and adoption.I didn't care, but like now I
do care, right, Or Ialways wanted to adopt, but now I
want to help a child and analternative. And then some people who just
(23:56):
weren't even aware. I think that'sa large part of it. Issues.
So many people are just like notaware of what it legally is. They're
like, oh, yeah, youknow Sander Brock girl. First of all,
that was ten that was a movieand he even got fucked over as
an example anymore, So, like, I think that's going to be the
(24:17):
best. Next thing is to keepalerting people about this systemic oppressive thing called
adoption in child welfare and foster care. It is, it's and it's sometimes
it feels overwhelming because I think aboutlike it's crazy. I laugh at him,
is not funny, but it's likeinsane to think about. There truly
(24:40):
was a time, and I'm nottalking about like a ten year period,
like a century long stretch where whiteliberals who consider themselves to be progressive,
somebody told them that slavery was wrongand inhumane and they were like is it
(25:00):
though, Like they had to beconvinced, like like how can you look
at this and you're aware they're aware, Yeah, where we get our cotton
and everything from and tobacco, Yeah, they make the blacks of the thing.
Like yeah, and you think you'resaying that that's wrong that it happens,
and like yeah, they have childrenand babies are sold whoever and families
(25:25):
are constantly toning apart and the other. We took them from another country and
they're not allowed to practice of religiousit's not illegal for them to learn how
to read. And they're like,I know, I know all of that,
I know all of that, butyou're saying that that's wrong though,
Like it's better for them though,right, Like they're not an African where
they're here, we'll give them abetter life. Yeah, there's some slave
(25:45):
owners and planeator where they're rough onthem, and yeah, I'm sure some
people, there's bad people everywhere,but slavery, Like it's a you can't
you're not anti slavery, right,Like that's you're saying abolished slavery, Like
that's crazy to think, but when, but that's how it feels when when
we talk about adoption reform and adoptionabolition and the human traffick of adoption people.
(26:10):
The way people react to us sayingthose things and like how dare you
make these comparisons and how dare yousays the right And the more that they
try to push me not to sayadoption to slavery, the louder I'm going
to say it, because y'all needto hear it adoption to slavery because some
(26:30):
point that somebody would saying slavery iswrong, and people were like they were
getting docked whatever docs was called inthe eighteen hundreds, like straight up for
real, they were people saying slaverywas wrong, and they were like,
we can catch you after church becausethe So what I try to remember is
(26:52):
like and all the heat we catch, like the reason we catch it is
because that's what avolition is. That'swhy people react to that like people have.
I try to remember there was atime where so the vast majority of
white people, the majoricity of peoplewho are either didn't know the horrors or
(27:15):
slavery or looked at at slavery anddidn't know that it was horrific, look
dead, asked at it, looksright at you and say look right us
and say, yes, there isa parent in crisis and a child in
crisis, and yes, I knowthere's a whole entire biological family, both
sides of the family, but you'retelling me the best thing for that child
(27:38):
is not to have their rights removedand be put into another family and denied
their culture and heritage for whenever tillthose people who paid for them decide that
they can have some connection. You'retelling me that that's not good, you
know what I mean? Like thisthey're talking about like that is like that
(28:00):
is adoption. It's like, youhave thirty thousand dollars and you could give
just fifteen of it to the familyand crisis and really help them out,
but you think instead that extra fifteengives you the right to change names on
(28:21):
the birth certificates. So let's talkabout that. I've recently started helping families
out with finances because, like weknow, it's less than five thousand dollars
to keep a family together. Thatain't a whole lot of money. It's
not in a grand scheme. Andwe've been fundraising, and it blows my
mind where people will be like getoffline, get off the internet, begging
for other people go And I waslike, first of all, y'all have
(28:41):
whole forty thousand dollars, go fundmes. Y'all have yard seals. You put
children on an American Express card toget cashed back. We can't fundraise for
these families there we we It's likethey're okay with them with adoptive parents fundraising
money to purchase human but oh,let you say you fundraising for a famen,
(29:03):
they should just get rid of thefamily. They should just get rid
of the kid if they can't affordit. Well, this family shouldn't have
a kid if they can't afford it. It's like the double standard. This
is the somebody maybe it needs tome, somebody needs to write a play
series of movie where there is afamily who is doing the gofund me because
they want to adopt the child,and then that they used to get their
(29:26):
numbers up, and somebody else islike, motherfucker, we want to go
fund me to keep the child,and now we have a grand scar and
they just come outbidding each other,outbid each other. People keep putting their
money in, outbid each other,and at some point it's gonna be like
whose baby is this? Does itmatter who who bids the most? What
are we doing? Because somebody elseAnd now I'm right to play and somebody
(29:48):
else is gonna come in and belike, well I got even more money.
Me and my who is so partpartner want a baby too, in
fact, and we think it's homophobicthat we're not allowed to bid on a
baby, because there's that's I wantto write that story. I want to
write a story on the first openlygay plantation owner who wants to buy slaves,
(30:08):
not open gay plantation. It's Carlos. It would be hard to be
an open gay plantation owner in sixteenthirty. And he out there and he
wanted his own slaves, and theylike, we don't want you to buy
slaves, and he like, butit's homophobic if you don't let me buy
slaves. I mean, weren't theyalready openly homophobic buck breaking black men in
(30:30):
the public, Like they already doingthat all your things, everything, everything
they do is the same thing youtalk about. Like you're gonna say they
can't afford a baby, they can'thave one, Well, they can't afford
one too. They should never gofor me everything about it, which is
why they keep changing the rules nomatter what it is, it is.
(30:52):
They always stories both they know Igot some stories of right, We need
you to write those stories because thosethings need to come into foulition, all
right, CJ. So things haveseen, things seem to be you know,
you're advocating, you're getting your voiceout. How many years until your
daughter turns eighteen and she just turnednine A couple of weeks ago. Nine
(31:17):
years is not that long. Lookat it this way. You already got
halfway. And I tell you,and I say, like, and there's
no guarantee that that it'll be thatlong. It won't, it won't.
Yeah, it might not be thatlong. Maybe people pull the head of
asses and just like give me somethingand then but there's also I'm trying to
like be aware of, like there'sno guarantee to shoot that she'll want to
(31:42):
find me at eighteen, like theway I see it, and try to
remind myself. And these are partof the things where like this is what
TikTok don't want the people don't wantme telling stories because the idea of the
adoptive parent is like this savior,good person role who wouldn't do horrific things.
And I say people, people arelike, when your daughter's eighteen,
(32:06):
It's like, if that is thecase, then what you're saying is the
people who are raising my child areintent they're reading my letters or hearing all
the stuff I'm saying, and theyare intentionally keeping her from me. There's
no way to do that without alsotelling either telling her nothing about me or
(32:28):
telling her things about me that aren'ttrue, because if you wouldn't be able
to say like, yeah, ohyeah, we know your where your dad
is. He's in Philly, he'shis teacher. He writes you all the
time about he loves you. Hemakes these videos for you know the other
things, that child would be like, well, I wanna say and what
are you gonna tell him? SoI'm like I'm always and maybe I'm paranoid.
(32:49):
And as part of being a birthparent of like what are they saying
about me? What are they sayingabout me that would make this child not
demand to know who I am beforethe age of eighteen and whatever they began?
And because we've both seen like ourfair of adult adoptees who will be
(33:10):
like stop getting on TikTok and sayingthese things, adoption is beautiful and all
these things. And I'm like,those are the stories. They are scared.
They're the ones that scared. Ihate to have the deal with that,
like and that like a fogged outadult adoptee, like, oh my,
they scared of shit? There areThere was adoptee and she was originally
(33:34):
from South Africa send her account endedup getting banned, which I was like
I knew that was getting banned.She was way too out there, called
herself the chosen one, biracial,super anti black, black father, white
mother, super anti black was shehad stitched my video. She was like
(33:58):
it was you know, I'm Idon't mind clapping back at anybody. I'm
very and nowadays up to be verycareful or hesitant to like to go back
at an adoptee. I'm like,I'm not also with the community. There
are enough adoptees who will go backat it. I don't have to do
that. But when the way thatshe was saying things, and there you
(34:24):
see for like the farthest thick thickand like beyond, this felt like the
brainwashing of like it was sad.It was sad, and it was scary,
and it frightens me that my childcould view me like that. But
she's being raised by white people whoI was talking to to. I was
(34:47):
sharing my story with my students,like earlier this year, a sixth grade
class, and they were A studentasked me like, well, do you
think your daughter's parents are good people? And I said, they know.
I wanted to keep her and theychose to take her from me anyway,
and they have kept her ever since. Do you think they're good people?
(35:12):
So bad people are raising my child. I don't know what they're teaching her.
I don't know what's uh, howshe's gonna when she's eighteen, what
she you know what I mean?So I but I have allowed all the
hope in the world that maybe itwon't be won't maybe it won't be to
eighteen, but also have to givemyself the space that whenever it whenever it
(35:37):
is like I'm I'll leah, Iknow it'll be them. And that's why
it's important for platforms like mine andother adoptees who have been specifically transracially adopted
for us to have our platforms.That's why I do the show, this
is why I have these episodes.It's because I want transracial adoptees who are
(35:58):
coming up out of the fog andbecoming adults. When I turned it,
that was nothing like the Internet wasjust starting to pop, like we had
Facebook, but as far as likeknowledge about this stuff really didn't happen in
a host scale until about like tenyears ago. And then I would say
it really wasn't accessible until about fiveyears ago when TikTok came out four or
five years ago. That's when itbecame accessible where people were like, here's
(36:21):
the link, here, here's whereyou can get this information. Here's where
you get that information. Right,And hopefully in the next nine years,
if we've done that, We've we'vebeen able to grow platforms and share community
and networks in the last four yearsand nine years. Can you imagine I
know where I'm going to be innine years. I'm going to be somewhere
out here making sure that your children, your child knows that, Like,
(36:43):
yo, listen, this is notnormal. We little fucked up in the
head. But it's okay, baby, because we've been there and done that
right, and hopefully there are books, there are more books, there are
podcasts, there are things and theresources that she will have that we didn't
have because all we had was alittle bit of knowledge statistics in the wild
(37:04):
wild west of TikTok. Like y'allare, y'all are the and I give
it to everyone in the trial,but specifically for the adoptees and former fosters,
because you all are the ones whoare at the center of it and
always should be centered of it.Of you all have truly have built a
(37:25):
brand new community and created a spacefor so many people that I feel so
honored that to be a part ofand welcome into and make connections with people,
And I hope that they're and Iknow that there are so many people
(37:45):
who are. The way I seeit is for every time somebody like leaves
a comment like on the positive anda comment on a post, there's probably
at least five other people who weremoved as well but just didn't comment because
they don't dang what people do orwhatever, like no knocking out whatever.
But it's like, so every personwho says it's like, yeah, there's
(38:08):
all those people and people who areI also love, and there's people who
the bridges started happening from people whoare again child wealth community, like from
the donor conceived community, and wekeep hearing these stories and people keep saying
things, and we and people whoaren't involved in like in any ways at
(38:30):
all but are listened to it.They're like, oh, I thought about
it. I thought about adopting aslike Nope, not gonna adopt. Maybe
I'll just go the donor donor route, and like, well there's a lot
to think about it there, andlike good whatever, your whatever, your
next step is the fact that youthought twice about two very problematic capitalists driven
(38:55):
into trafficking trafficing industries. Yeah.Like good, because too many people are
not thinking and like potentially not.That's been my goal this year, I
said in twenty twenty four, youknow, I'm done arguing with people on
the internet. I've done that toolong, so I need to I've done
it for too long. It's notworking, so I need to, like
you said, navigate and bridge thegaps. So I started working with adoptive
(39:21):
parents, and people were like,wow, Carlos, you're going to do
interviews with adoptive parents. I waslike yeah, because they're the people that
I'm literally trying to talk to rightlike they're and not only I find it
if I can get an adoptive parentwho's already adopted to come and say,
yo, listen, we know betternow here are the people were more empt
to listen to them than me,because they're like, hey, we did
(39:44):
it and it wasn't the greatest optionand there are all these other options.
So yes, I started working withsome of the largest families, like the
Wilders in their podcast with the DonorReceived community, they have a podcast called
Hey, their Parenthood. We didnumbers. We did like thirty mili in
views on that podcast episode. Uh, but they have two million followers,
Like, we're going to do numbers. And I'm charismatic as hell, so
(40:08):
you knew it was going to donumbers. But there were so many adopted
parents and on their YouTube, ontheir Instagram, on their TikTok being like,
wow, like we really have participatedin this industry unbeknownst. And I
was like, yeah, you did, you did. And I'm not trying
to say you're a horrible person,but you did some horrible legal right And
(40:29):
instead of sitting there and whate wasme and being like you're a horrible person
doing that. I don't want youto take that energy. I want you
to say, how the fuck canwe fix it? That's where we're at
now, now where we gonna Yeah, we're gonna do right. Same thing
with the donor conceived community. Idid uh insemination with Loura High five and
I'm not donor conceived, but likeyou said, our communities intertwined so much
(40:50):
because adoption is an alternative to infertilityissues, right when donor conception doesn't work.
Oh you can just adopt. Andwe're like, no, you can't.
We can't just do that. We'renot an alternative to your wants and
needs for human beings. So I'mfocusing on, you know, reaching out
to other communities. Hell, doctorPhil reached out and said, hey,
I want to and I said,I don't like you, doctor Phil,
(41:15):
But who is this democratic? Yeah, that's this key demographic? Are middle
age white women with a little money. Who am I trying to reach middle
aged white women with a little money. Just stop y'all from adopting these kids
and offer alternatives. It's funny.It's like as soon as you say like
no more, arguing more, talkingto the ones, changes like it's not
(41:39):
the a couple of steps for it, Like, oh man, it feels
like it might be safer to goback because I was like, I was
talking to my team about that.They're like, I got some pushback on
the doctor Phil thing. They're like, well, do you know he's problematic?
I was like yes, They like, do you know he supports trouble
team industries. I'm like, yes, yes, yes, I know all
of this. Well why would youwant to do it? I was like,
(42:00):
because he has the key demographic ofthe people are trying to me.
Also, They're like, well,aren't you afraid of his community and what
they're going to he might drag you. I was like, do you see
what I deal with? Every singleday? I get caught an in slur
at least twice if I had onehundred dollars, but each ever or f
(42:20):
slur like he can't alright, callme an effort on the national television,
right, He's going to have tobe coded. Also if I'm able to
articularly hold myself up and combat thesepeople and then not only combat them,
change a lot of their minds,right because they throw all these slurs.
And I say, Okay, I'mso sorry you feel that way, but
you didn't answer my question, andlet's stay on topic. I can do
(42:45):
that with mister Phil. I surecan, I sure can you know?
And I think that we need moreadoptees and more foster youth to say,
like, let's not the arguing thatthe void does work sometimes, but I'm
trying to not argue with the becausewe have kids right now who need help
right now, we have kids agingout, we have kids turning adults as
adoptees, and the who the fuckwatches Doctor Phil. Probably her parents,
(43:10):
right, that's all my adopted doctor. Could you imagine your daughter at nine
years old watching Doctor Phil, atransracial adopter, be like, hey,
listen, it's not all what it'shoped up to be, and we should
really reach out to your parents andeven like make a connection with the biolog
That's where I need to be iswhere the people are who are doing the
things, and they're doing the adoption. So why would I be over here
(43:34):
where they're not even at They can'tthey outside the club, they can't even
get in. I need to gooutside the club. So that's my that's
my focus. Hopefully I don't getdragged by Doctor Phil, but he ain't
listen. Even if the way thatmy team's talked about it and I talked
with my husband, I was like, good or good or negative, it's
(43:55):
gonna get views right, and thatwhich is that's what I need people to
do, is hear my voice andbe like, what is he talking about
adoption at slavery? What is talk? Let's go Yeah, it's yeah,
yeah, it's it's all again.The the heat that's coming you dealt with
(44:19):
and I feel like it's all gonnabe house money for like the wind,
Like people are gonna listen, they'regonna hear. The ones who are gonna
get it, We're gonna get it. The ones who ain't gonna get it,
not gonna get it. But yeah, the demographic of the people who,
Yeah, it's like being a Idon't know, like a beautiful terrorist.
(44:43):
You just go to the spots andhit him with hit him with these
truth box and listen to right nowand now they fucked up forever. So
like they they don't want it.But the next time do they hear adoption,
they're gonna be like sat on doctorPhil. So even yeah, what
you I'm not terrorism, right,we just want you to be thinking.
Yeah, we don't want you tobe able to walk. I want I
(45:05):
want to fuck up everybody's sitcoms andMarvel movies. I want you. You
can't. You can't watch Gardens ofthe Galaxy or Loki or anything Avengeance anymore
without thinking about adoption and how thesemovies use plot points and then be highlighting
shit without knowing that highlighting shit withI mean, like even like everyone's favorite
(45:28):
book, everyone's favorite book, HarryPotter, that series that's a series about
kinship, care. How about howkinship parents aren't supported and I recently started
because you know, I just starteddoing kinship care for my niece. So
I was like, because we werewatching Harry Pottery, Harry Potter, and
I was like, wow, Iused to hate his family, but now
I'm like, well, damn.They didn't ask for this little nigga dropped
(45:55):
door, he did nod. Theyweren't the nice his people. But like
Homeboy was also weird, Like Homeboy, weird was happening. He was born
and he was he was trauma.He was trauma all over from the jump
like he making it flowing ship likehe like he fucking with they kid with
(46:17):
magic and ship. It was likelisten, we I hated his his aunt
and uncle, but like they couldhave put him in foster Carol. There's
something about about him being magical andthem not that there's a transracial story in
there, Like they didn't know howto deal with his, with with his
with his with his black magic lass. And when they redo it and make
them Harold Potter, that's when it'sgonna be fire. When they redo it.
(46:42):
When when when they when they geta queer black writer to fix all
the ship JK. Robbins up.That's gonna be when we when we get
the story of Harold, of HaroldPotter or his twin sister who was a
lesbian that nobody knew. That's whatthat's the one I want, And that's
the one. That's the one,that's the one. Harriet, Harriet,
(47:10):
Harriet Potter. Oh, it's beenso wonderful catching up with you. I
hope to do it again in acouple of years and hopefully, oh my
pleasure, hopefully we'll have more news. And I'm just going to keep encouraging
you like I did two years ago, like keep up, keep it up,
keep speaking, keep speaking. Forblack fathers. I know that even
(47:31):
doing more stories, there's more blackmen standing up now. There's more fathers
in general standing up then. AndI can personally see that just by the
influx of people who reach out tome. They're way more fathers reaching out
to me, way more Dad's beenlike, yo, what are my rights?
I'm like, brother, you know, like they don't we know they're
(47:51):
rights. Yeah, And I thinkthat your voice and other father's voice voices
have definitely made that influx. SoI always ask this on every single episode,
what's something and I'm going to kindof change it for you a little
bit. What's something that you wouldsuggest or a piece of advice that you
would suggest a birth parent who's tryingto share their story on social media.
(48:12):
What's something that you've learned that hasbeen working for you that's a birth parent.
Something that has been working for meis following wherever your heart takes you.
There are I found that there arecertain books that I reread without knowing
(48:39):
exactly why, certain movies or televisionshows that they can like just lean into
that, lean into that, leaninto that, and just find out what
the connection is with these stories.I'm a big story person. I think
stories that will make us. Ithink that's the word about hearing each other's
(49:01):
stories. How we learn about eachother, connect with each other, find
our similarities, find the differences thatmake us beautiful. And therapy. I
know that's a privilege that everybody has, but therapy has allowed me to make
connections with those with myself more andjust being a birth parent. Man,
(49:24):
you or you are eternally grieving,there there's no way to heal that pain.
It's a wound that remains open andyou just learn to learn and live
and adjust with it, and traumaworks for all of us in strange ways,
and leaning into the trauma may bea strange thing to say, but
(49:45):
safely leaning into it and going withwhat feels right allow yourself to be Hopefully
that makes sense. I love itall right, CJ. Well, where
can people find you? Do youhave any social media? Any projects?
Anything you want people to do?I have, so find me child,
(50:05):
childlest parent on TikTok is with whereyou can find me mostly Instagram, c
J. And milorady is where youcan find me. I'm trying to get
my I G game up a littlebit. Maybe that'll be what I do
when school is out for the song? Did you see the updates on I
G? It's just like TikTok.You can respond to comments now with video.
(50:28):
You can do green screen it's alittle bit, and you can use
gifts and stickers in the comments section. So if you don't want to be
mean, you can be like bitchand like put like a little gift of
somebody beating them up. I likeit? Can I can? I?
But can I be sad on it? Yes? You can be sad?
(50:50):
All right? CJ. Well,thank you so much for joining and like
I say every week, like shyness, please please please do listen to the
lived experience of everyone in the triad. I do these specials once a year
because I think it's important to showuh the birth parents' voices. And I'm
so happy that CJ is able tocome today and catch us up and inspire
us. And I inspire and inspireyou who's listening to do something about this,
(51:15):
this horrible industry called adoption in fostercare. So always shine your light,
like I always say, because younever know who you might be inspiring.
And then to next week, guys, I'll see you later.
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