June 18, 2024 • 28 mins
Hey Light Shiners! I am joined by Laura a birth mom who almost lost her kids to the system because of a mental health crisis. She speaks about co-parenting with an abusive Ex-spouse and how she was alienated as a mom.
Follow the guest on social media! @Iwinnard1982 also check out her business at Crystal Hope Creations
Watch the video of this episode only on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/user?u=45714095&fan_landing=true
If you would like to be on the show please fill sign up here https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdFZxNnCSntbuvjrxjjvZco3BmsCVNELmU1WzlYPCOongNNiA/viewform?usp=pp_url
Please help us keep shining light on the truths of the foster care system by donating. Please click the link to donate! https://karlosdillard.com/checkout/donate?donatePageId=611ab8be7dbb68767abf984e
Follow the guest on social media! @Iwinnard1982 also check out her business at Crystal Hope Creations
Watch the video of this episode only on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/user?u=45714095&fan_landing=true
If you would like to be on the show please fill sign up here https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdFZxNnCSntbuvjrxjjvZco3BmsCVNELmU1WzlYPCOongNNiA/viewform?usp=pp_url
Please help us keep shining light on the truths of the foster care system by donating. Please click the link to donate! https://karlosdillard.com/checkout/donate?donatePageId=611ab8be7dbb68767abf984e
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
Content warning. The Wards of theState podcast may contain material that may be
harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.Listener discretion is advised back to another episode
(00:31):
of Wards of the State. Butyou guys know Mother's Month and Parents' Month.
It's a special. So we're doingbiological parent specials all month this month.
This is our second annual time doingthis. I think it's important for
us to listen to the lived experienceof the people who brought us into this
world. Ultimately, you know,if you're an external childcare rather you're a
(00:53):
false youth and adoptee or a kinshipplacement, your story does come first.
You are at the head of theseat. You're at the head seat of
the table. But I do wantto open up the platform to listen to
the biological parents. So make sureyou guys are first of all subscribing on
Spotify, make sure you're leaving usa one, two, three, four,
five star rating and review, andalso sharing with a family or friend
(01:15):
who wants to learn more about thechild welfare industry. So so, without
further ado, I do want tointroduce our next guest on the Wars of
the State podcast, Birth Parents Specialand that is Laura. Hi, Laura,
how are you doing today, nichCarlos. I'm doing okay. How
about you? I am fantastic.So kind of tell the folks about your
experience. What were your birth mother, did your child get adopted, were
(01:38):
they in care? What was yourlived experience? So, as we know,
a lot of foster children end uphaving their children in the system as
well, and that's something that happenedwith me. I was I'm a former
foster youth. I was in thesystem, and then finally my grandmother ended
(01:59):
up getting kinship care with us,and then you know, later on down
the line, I ended up gettingsick and my ex husband left me and
I was alone with my children andthey ended up being put into the system
(02:20):
because I had no resources or help. And how old were your kids when
this happened. So my youngest wasfour almost five, and my middle was
almost seven. My eldest was withher father at the time, and my
(02:45):
so I have two baby dad,I have two ex husbands, so my
first sex husband long story well notvery long, but anyway, so they
my eldest is with my first exhusband, and then my youngest two are
with my second ex husband. Andgot so my first sex husband actually lives
(03:09):
in Arizona. They live in Tucson, and he reached out to me and
he got I let him have custodyof my daughter with the with the caveat
that I would be receiving custody backonce I got on my feet. And
(03:30):
then so then I had my myyoungest two with me, And when I
ended up getting sick, that's whenCPS ended up stepping in because I was
going to be end up homeless inlike twenty four hours. I was given
(03:51):
like twenty four hour notice that Iwould be homeless, and one of the
neighbors found out and called CPS,and there was a big to do and
were taken and how did that processwork? Were you offered a family and
(04:13):
how long were your t were theyplaced in the foster care? Were they
placed with relatives? What happened afterthey were CPS was involved. So once
CPS got involved, I was notreally given any kind of parenting plan.
(04:33):
I ended up trying to can westay commit suicide on here? Okay?
So I ended up trying to commitsuicide and I ended up getting served paperwork
in the mental hospital the day beforeI was supposed to be leaving that they
(04:55):
would be trying they would be doingthe the court stuff to try to take
temporary customer, to try to removecustody or something like that. And apparently
they had reached out to my exhusband and he had offered to take them.
So despite their being having been domesticviolence in the past and him having
(05:20):
a record, CPS claimed they couldnot find his criminal record. And they
did that because and the judge statedthat because there was no complaint against the
father that he could just take them. So they remove your children and place
(05:41):
them with your abusive X. Anddid they remove your rights at that moment
or was it more voluntary on yourend to say, Okay, my ex
husband can take them, But thenyou still had your parental rights. You
just gave up custodio rights. SoI gave up custodial rights to keep my
parental rights. So he So thething was he was in Japan at the
(06:04):
time. He had to fly.It was it was all very much emergency
state, you know, with him, like he only had like a couple
of weeks here in the States toget everything completed. So once he got
into town, once he got intothe States, we had the emergency hearing
(06:29):
and he got custody, which Iwas still under the assumption that I was
still trying to get the kids back. That's what they led me to believe.
They said that, you know,everything looked really good for reunification.
And this was only in a matterof months. This was not I was
not given years to reunify or anythinglike that. So they said everything looked
(06:57):
good. They said that, youknow, my son was talking about the
things that my husband, my exhusband did to him and to me and
to the family, and that theydidn't really want to give the kids to
him. And then I turned aroundthe next day or you know, the
next court hearing, and I hearthere's no reason why the father shouldn't have
(07:17):
these kids. So what happened waswe had a former judge, a former
JAG attorney as our as our judge, and my ex husband was military,
and he basically painted me out tobe you know, the bat the dependa
(07:39):
is what they call them, theone that keeps their kid from the parents
and lives off the military husband andthis, that and the other. But
the issue was he went to Japanafter you know, being abusive, and
he ended up cheated on me again, so I left him and but no,
he he painted this whole story.Now, after they placed them with
(08:03):
their your children with their father,they didn't require I mean, there would
be no parenting plan then, becausethat was pretty much settled. You guys,
you gave it, like you said, you gave up your custody to
keep your parental rights. But didthey offer you like any like mental health
resources or any other resources or they'rejust like, all right, thanks for
giving your kids up to the otherguy. See, yeah, Actually they
(08:24):
offered nothing to me. And theywere I was supposed to have I was
supposed to be on counseling and Iwas supposed to be doing counseling for reunification.
And when sorry, okay, takeyour time. When they when I
(08:58):
find you had to give up custody, I went to the counselor that they
had they had set me up with, and they were supposed to have taken
my insurance and I was. Iended up being in debt to them for
(09:18):
over two hundred dollars while being homelessbecause it turns out something happened and they
didn't take my insurance. So that'sheavy. And thank you so much for
being open to share your experience,and it's such it's such a sad thing
(09:41):
that people like it's little. It'stwo hundred dollars can make your break of
family, you know, or canmake a break a person. And I
just don't understand the system that takesremoved children and then doesn't help at all.
Just be like, okay, wetook your kids, now we're not
going to help. Yeah, Ihad to quit. I ended up having
(10:01):
to quit the counseling because there wasno way that I could finish that I
could pay that off. And youknow, they only they don't allow you
to go to continue seeing the counselorif you have a balance. So I
ended up having to stop going.And the medical the medical place that they
(10:24):
set me up with to continue mymedications and stuff. The doctor tried to
put me on a medication that causedsuicidal ideation a week after I had gotten
out of the mental hospital. Ohmy goodness, they tried to set you
(10:46):
up for failure. So how manyyears did your ex keep your children?
How did that work out? Well? What was what happened with that out
over the time? So my exwas very vindic So I made sure that
I put in the custody papers,stuff that would protect me from him,
(11:11):
which you know, he didn't likevery much, but because he was in
a hurry for the divorce and thecustody and everything, because he has he
had a fiancee in Japan that hemarried three months after returning home, he
signed the papers no matter what,so I was able to protect myself from
(11:31):
him. However, the judge putin the paperwork that the like being able
to FaceTime them and see them wason the discretion of the father because it
was such a and inconvenience because wewere in we were I think he's like
(11:52):
twelve hours ahead of me, Soit was at the discretion of the father.
Because visited, well not visitation,but facetiming was at the discretion of
the father because of the special themitigating circumstances of him being in Japan and
me being in the States. Soanytime he was upset with me or annoyed
(12:18):
because I wasn't under his thumb,basically he would it was the only way
he could control me. So Idid not get to speak to my child
for a few years, and thenwhen I did get to speak to my
child, he was very angry becauseI didn't get to speak to him for
(12:41):
a few years, and I thinkhe was thirteen at the time. He
told me that he never wanted tospeak to me again. And then two
years later he sent me a messagesaying, hey, Mom, I'm sorry,
and I was like, I knowthat wasn't you. So I I
know that, you know, likeyour mom's going to love you the metal.
(13:03):
You know, even if you toldme, you know, don't ever,
I'm going to be here, I'mgonna speak to you. I'm not
going to hold a grudge against you. Your my bank exactly. And you
know, coliation is such a realthing. I deal with that with a
lot of my clients people and familiesI help, and it's just like it
could just be so simple, likeI don't understand, especially like people who
are going through divorce or custody battlelike they're like the least child center because
(13:26):
you know, like being adults anddon't use your children as ponds in this
right and it causes so much,so many problems. But eventually, like
you said, kids always go backto their mom. They do. I
know, it's genetic. They alwayswill go back to their mom. So
at what age did your son reachback out to you. So he was
(13:46):
fifteen when he reached out to me. He had just turned to seen him
in all of those years that younever saw him between all of those years,
No, wow, not I could. I had. I got to
FaceTime him a few times when hehad first moved back to Japan and then
when he realized that he couldn't controlme, and because he was wanting me
(14:11):
to pay him a bunch of money, and we never set out because I
knew how he could be. Wenever set an exact amount. In fact,
we never stated that I had topay child support, like we put
that in the paperwork, because Ididn't want him coming after me and trying
to put me in jail, becauseI knew that's something that he would try
(14:35):
to do, so, you know, and I said, I will volunteer,
I will give money, but Ijust don't want him to have a
way to control me. So hegot very upset by that. And because
I would not unblock him from myFacebook, so he refused to let me
(14:58):
speak to my kids for like,it's crazy six, that's crazy. Well,
we're going to take a break rightthere when we come back, Laura,
We're going to talk about reunification withyour children, how that has been
and how that has affected you.So we'll be right back listeners, and
I'll see you when you get back. Welcome back light Shiners from the Break.
Make sure you guys are leaving aone, two, three, four,
(15:18):
five star rating review it. Alsomake sure that you are sharing this
with your families and friends. Andwhen I say leave a review, write
something. I don't know when thelast time I looked at it. I
think it was like two episodes ago, I look. So I'm going to
look after this episode specifically and seeif any of y'all listen, because I
say it every single week, Butthe more that you guys leave reviews to
let people know, the more peoplewill listen to this. And this podcast
(15:39):
is strictly about lived experience and themother's specials and the biological parents specials are
so important for you guys to heardifferent aspects, especially as a foster or
adoptive parent. You know, weknow not every case is the same and
foster care and adoption is not amonolith, but we can always learn from
people who been through it. Wecan always learn from lift experience. So
(16:03):
please make sure that you are sharingthis, talk about it with your friends
and family. And I do wantto think shout out to all my Patreon
members. You guys make sure thatI can continue to do this work on
this podcast. So shout out toall of my Patreon tears. I appreciate
y'all. And without further ado,I do want to get back to Laura's
lift experience. So, Laura,your song came back at fifteen, How
(16:25):
has that been? How has reunificationbeen for you? So it's been it's
been a it's been an experience.So I actually, uh, when when
(16:48):
he came home, there was westayed at this hotel that had like double
rooms so he could have his ownlittle space and we could have ours because
we were still moving into the apartmentbecause we had like So what happened was
(17:08):
my ex husband and my young mymiddle son do not get along at all
anymore. And so he told mehe did not tell me he was sending
my son. My son reached outto me to tell me, hey,
Dad already bought the tickets and everything, and he said that if you don't
(17:30):
pick me up, then I'm justgonna be stuck in America. America bounced,
but he sent him on a planehimself. He's coming with them,
and like, we had no idea, so like we had to scramble to
get a new apartment because we wereliving in a one bedroom at the time,
(17:52):
so we had to scramble to geta new apartment, all this other
stuff. We were able, luckilyable to do that, but you know
how hard that it can be.But I mean, obviously definitely worth it.
So we got him into a charterschool because he's pretty traumatized by his
father and by the parental alienation,you know, they and it's so messed
(18:18):
up because imagine being a child andthinking that your mom downnourished you. I
can kind of relate to that alittle and going through your life kind of
relate to that a little bit.Because for the longest time, I thought
all of these things about my momand then when I met her, she's
like, nah, I didn't dothat, like or like it wasn't like
one thing that they're like, oh, she would starve you. I was
(18:40):
like, she would just poor.So we didn't have a lot of food,
but like we had food. Andthen when I talked to my brother,
he because you know, I wasthe youngest, so they have a
better memory with our with our birthmother than I do. And my brother's
always corrected me. He's like,you know, mom wasn't always the best,
but it's he goes Carls. Idon't know, like I feel like
my brothers tell me that they feellike I would tell the social workers one
(19:03):
thing like, oh, well,I didn't get to get my I didn't
get to eat today. When thatmeant I didn't get my French fries and
my chicken nuggets that I wanted,but we had like ramen noodles and peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches. And theylike took that and ran with it with
like, oh she's starving them.No, he just didn't get what he
wanted to ye, right, youknow, yes, well you want to
hear how ridiculous. This is thereason they thought that they were being malnourished
(19:27):
is because his wife is Japanese andshe expected them to come from America being
obese because they're Americans, and becausethey came home they came to Japan healthy.
She thought I was malnourishing them.Sounds like racism. Oh my goodness.
(19:48):
So it's been a struggle since.Now did just one come home or
did all your children come home?So my eldest is now twenty one,
so she was, uh, theywere never sorry, they're not they're not
binary and I'm still trying to getused to the pronouns and being respectful for
her stuff. So they're not.They are twenty one and they were able
(20:14):
to stay with their dad. Iwas not able to get her them back
for because I was still working ongetting back on my feet and everything.
They were like thirteen at the time, so yeah, they're old. They're
they are way older than the othertwo. But the I got my middle
(20:41):
son, my my youngest son,he is still in Japan and he wants
to come home. He wants tocome to me, and we're still working
on that. But my eldest soonce uh, we're actually like in the
pro like looking at land and buildinga house and stuff like that. But
(21:03):
what we want to do is wewant to build uh three houses, well
four houses technically, so our houseand then three houses for the children.
They wouldn't be like extravagant or anythingat like that, just you know,
a small like one of those tinyhomes. I guess, maybe a little
bit bigger. But they all wantto live with Mama, and I have
(21:29):
a very special relationship with my children. Even though my eldest didn't get to
live with me, we still gotto visit. We still got to talk
and stuff like that. And shestill does. She's she visits here and
at one point she's gonna come livewith us, but then she got a
job over there and stuff, soshe wanted to stay over there. But
(21:53):
my my middle he is thriving withus. I recently just went to his
first honorall academic letter certificate program andI got to see I know, I
got and I started crying, andmy husband got it, and my son
(22:15):
was like, what's wrongst Like,I didn't get the thing. I didn't
think I was going to get thisthis. So, what has been the
most difficult thing? And over theyears, you know, being an alienated
parent dealing with CPS, what whatwas what has been the most difficult thing?
(22:36):
And like even with the reunification,what has been the most difficult thing
in this whole process for you?So I do have PTSD from all of
this. Anytime we have any kindof inspection for the house or anything,
because we live in a least apartment, so we do have inspections. So
(22:56):
anytime we have a least inspection oranything like that, I do get really
anxious and start, you know,hurting Laura going around the house and cleaning
everything. But I still have nightmares. I've actually beaten my husband off in
the middle of the night with mynightmares. You know, my my new
(23:21):
relationship was pretty much you know,right at the at at right after I
lost custody. I ended up movingback to miss well back to the South,
but I ended up moving to Mississippiand I ended up starting dating my
my husband now, but like thatwas all during that So like we've had
a very interesting relationship because there's alot of loss there right at the beginning,
(23:45):
and now we're getting, you know, to happy times. But I
think, you know, dealing withthe mental health and you know, just
being afraid, like, oh,you know, what goes on in our
home stays in our home because Idon't trust CPS and I don't trust you
(24:11):
know, that kind of thing.And my son's al most eighteen and I
still, like, you know,brace at the thought of CPS ever visiting.
That's one of my I was justtalking to my husband about that today.
I was just like, you know, with us bringing in our niece,
that's one of my fears. Butthen I also just know that you
can't fear them, you know,just know your laws, know your facts,
(24:34):
standing your truth, standing your power, and like just know, like
even though but it's it's traumatizing though, it really is, you know,
and it really is. I mean, like I remember, like one of
the things that like, you knowyou have PTSD flashbacks, One of them
(24:55):
is hearing my youngest son cry ina way that I've never heard him cry
before, and hear him say I'mhis mommy, can she come with with
us? And I'm like, everytime I think about that, yeah,
it just sends me right back intoits Yeah. Well, Laura, I
want to thank you so much forcoming on and sharing your lived experience as
a birth parent and also as aformer foster youth. I asked this all
(25:21):
of the guests usually on the platform, about what you what would you tell
and adopted your foster youth in yourexperience? But since we're in birth Parents
Special Month, what piece of advicewould you give to a birth mother whether
they're fighting custody, whether they're fightingCPS or being an alienated parent, what
piece of advice would you give themdon't give up, don't let him make
(25:48):
you give up. I love that. I love that. Lord, did
you I know you have a business. I know you have a business because
I love giving my packages. Doyou want to give a shout out to
your business? Y'all? She makesthe most amazing beautiful necklaces and jewelry and
(26:08):
earrings and bracelets. So definitely,And I'm so happy that your family,
you know, everything's on up andup. We rarely hear, you know,
positive story, but you know what, the last two years for the
birth parents specials except for one CJhasn't had reunification yet, and I want
to be there for CJ's like reunificationwhen he finally gets to see his daughter
(26:29):
again or at least like talk tohim about it. But majority of the
birth parents the last two years,they really they're the I feel like that's
because we have people and we haveso much more knowledge on what to do
and like how to fight back.But we're seeing a lot more parents,
you know, reunify as of latein the last five to ten years.
So I loved hearing the positive perspectiveof like something happening positively after all of
(26:51):
that negative stress, you know.But yeah, absolutely he's a happy,
healthy boy. He has a boyfriend, he has a's and lovely. Right.
Let us know where can people checkout your work, check out your
your jewelry, give yourself a lettshout out. Okay, so my uh,
(27:14):
my business is called Crystal Hope Creations, not that there's Hope in there.
I never gave up Hope, andyou can check me out. I
have my TikTok is mostly where Ido most of my business stuff, where
I post most of my stuff,but you can also check me out on
(27:36):
Instagram. It's Crystal Hope Creations onInstagram. And then there's also my TikTok
which is Laura Winner. Now we'lltag that below in the show. Note,
but I want to thank you againso much Laura for coming and sharing
your lift experience and light shine.It's just like Hope said, don't give
(27:56):
up Hope, never stop shining orlight, which is why I always the
show with always shine your light becauseyou never know who you might inspire,
and you never know who you mightgod without light. So until next week,
guys, always shine your light andI'll talk to you then
Content warning. The Wards of theState podcast may contain material that may be
harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.Listener discretion is advised back to another episode
(00:31):
of Wards of the State. Butyou guys know Mother's Month and Parents' Month.
It's a special. So we're doingbiological parent specials all month this month.
This is our second annual time doingthis. I think it's important for
us to listen to the lived experienceof the people who brought us into this
world. Ultimately, you know,if you're an external childcare rather you're a
(00:53):
false youth and adoptee or a kinshipplacement, your story does come first.
You are at the head of theseat. You're at the head seat of
the table. But I do wantto open up the platform to listen to
the biological parents. So make sureyou guys are first of all subscribing on
Spotify, make sure you're leaving usa one, two, three, four,
five star rating and review, andalso sharing with a family or friend
(01:15):
who wants to learn more about thechild welfare industry. So so, without
further ado, I do want tointroduce our next guest on the Wars of
the State podcast, Birth Parents Specialand that is Laura. Hi, Laura,
how are you doing today, nichCarlos. I'm doing okay. How
about you? I am fantastic.So kind of tell the folks about your
experience. What were your birth mother, did your child get adopted, were
(01:38):
they in care? What was yourlived experience? So, as we know,
a lot of foster children end uphaving their children in the system as
well, and that's something that happenedwith me. I was I'm a former
foster youth. I was in thesystem, and then finally my grandmother ended
(01:59):
up getting kinship care with us,and then you know, later on down
the line, I ended up gettingsick and my ex husband left me and
I was alone with my children andthey ended up being put into the system
(02:20):
because I had no resources or help. And how old were your kids when
this happened. So my youngest wasfour almost five, and my middle was
almost seven. My eldest was withher father at the time, and my
(02:45):
so I have two baby dad,I have two ex husbands, so my
first sex husband long story well notvery long, but anyway, so they
my eldest is with my first exhusband, and then my youngest two are
with my second ex husband. Andgot so my first sex husband actually lives
(03:09):
in Arizona. They live in Tucson, and he reached out to me and
he got I let him have custodyof my daughter with the with the caveat
that I would be receiving custody backonce I got on my feet. And
(03:30):
then so then I had my myyoungest two with me, And when I
ended up getting sick, that's whenCPS ended up stepping in because I was
going to be end up homeless inlike twenty four hours. I was given
(03:51):
like twenty four hour notice that Iwould be homeless, and one of the
neighbors found out and called CPS,and there was a big to do and
were taken and how did that processwork? Were you offered a family and
(04:13):
how long were your t were theyplaced in the foster care? Were they
placed with relatives? What happened afterthey were CPS was involved. So once
CPS got involved, I was notreally given any kind of parenting plan.
(04:33):
I ended up trying to can westay commit suicide on here? Okay?
So I ended up trying to commitsuicide and I ended up getting served paperwork
in the mental hospital the day beforeI was supposed to be leaving that they
(04:55):
would be trying they would be doingthe the court stuff to try to take
temporary customer, to try to removecustody or something like that. And apparently
they had reached out to my exhusband and he had offered to take them.
So despite their being having been domesticviolence in the past and him having
(05:20):
a record, CPS claimed they couldnot find his criminal record. And they
did that because and the judge statedthat because there was no complaint against the
father that he could just take them. So they remove your children and place
(05:41):
them with your abusive X. Anddid they remove your rights at that moment
or was it more voluntary on yourend to say, Okay, my ex
husband can take them, But thenyou still had your parental rights. You
just gave up custodio rights. SoI gave up custodial rights to keep my
parental rights. So he So thething was he was in Japan at the
(06:04):
time. He had to fly.It was it was all very much emergency
state, you know, with him, like he only had like a couple
of weeks here in the States toget everything completed. So once he got
into town, once he got intothe States, we had the emergency hearing
(06:29):
and he got custody, which Iwas still under the assumption that I was
still trying to get the kids back. That's what they led me to believe.
They said that, you know,everything looked really good for reunification.
And this was only in a matterof months. This was not I was
not given years to reunify or anythinglike that. So they said everything looked
(06:57):
good. They said that, youknow, my son was talking about the
things that my husband, my exhusband did to him and to me and
to the family, and that theydidn't really want to give the kids to
him. And then I turned aroundthe next day or you know, the
next court hearing, and I hearthere's no reason why the father shouldn't have
(07:17):
these kids. So what happened waswe had a former judge, a former
JAG attorney as our as our judge, and my ex husband was military,
and he basically painted me out tobe you know, the bat the dependa
(07:39):
is what they call them, theone that keeps their kid from the parents
and lives off the military husband andthis, that and the other. But
the issue was he went to Japanafter you know, being abusive, and
he ended up cheated on me again, so I left him and but no,
he he painted this whole story.Now, after they placed them with
(08:03):
their your children with their father,they didn't require I mean, there would
be no parenting plan then, becausethat was pretty much settled. You guys,
you gave it, like you said, you gave up your custody to
keep your parental rights. But didthey offer you like any like mental health
resources or any other resources or they'rejust like, all right, thanks for
giving your kids up to the otherguy. See, yeah, Actually they
(08:24):
offered nothing to me. And theywere I was supposed to have I was
supposed to be on counseling and Iwas supposed to be doing counseling for reunification.
And when sorry, okay, takeyour time. When they when I
(08:58):
find you had to give up custody, I went to the counselor that they
had they had set me up with, and they were supposed to have taken
my insurance and I was. Iended up being in debt to them for
(09:18):
over two hundred dollars while being homelessbecause it turns out something happened and they
didn't take my insurance. So that'sheavy. And thank you so much for
being open to share your experience,and it's such it's such a sad thing
(09:41):
that people like it's little. It'stwo hundred dollars can make your break of
family, you know, or canmake a break a person. And I
just don't understand the system that takesremoved children and then doesn't help at all.
Just be like, okay, wetook your kids, now we're not
going to help. Yeah, Ihad to quit. I ended up having
(10:01):
to quit the counseling because there wasno way that I could finish that I
could pay that off. And youknow, they only they don't allow you
to go to continue seeing the counselorif you have a balance. So I
ended up having to stop going.And the medical the medical place that they
(10:24):
set me up with to continue mymedications and stuff. The doctor tried to
put me on a medication that causedsuicidal ideation a week after I had gotten
out of the mental hospital. Ohmy goodness, they tried to set you
(10:46):
up for failure. So how manyyears did your ex keep your children?
How did that work out? Well? What was what happened with that out
over the time? So my exwas very vindic So I made sure that
I put in the custody papers,stuff that would protect me from him,
(11:11):
which you know, he didn't likevery much, but because he was in
a hurry for the divorce and thecustody and everything, because he has he
had a fiancee in Japan that hemarried three months after returning home, he
signed the papers no matter what,so I was able to protect myself from
(11:31):
him. However, the judge putin the paperwork that the like being able
to FaceTime them and see them wason the discretion of the father because it
was such a and inconvenience because wewere in we were I think he's like
(11:52):
twelve hours ahead of me, Soit was at the discretion of the father.
Because visited, well not visitation,but facetiming was at the discretion of
the father because of the special themitigating circumstances of him being in Japan and
me being in the States. Soanytime he was upset with me or annoyed
(12:18):
because I wasn't under his thumb,basically he would it was the only way
he could control me. So Idid not get to speak to my child
for a few years, and thenwhen I did get to speak to my
child, he was very angry becauseI didn't get to speak to him for
(12:41):
a few years, and I thinkhe was thirteen at the time. He
told me that he never wanted tospeak to me again. And then two
years later he sent me a messagesaying, hey, Mom, I'm sorry,
and I was like, I knowthat wasn't you. So I I
know that, you know, likeyour mom's going to love you the metal.
(13:03):
You know, even if you toldme, you know, don't ever,
I'm going to be here, I'mgonna speak to you. I'm not
going to hold a grudge against you. Your my bank exactly. And you
know, coliation is such a realthing. I deal with that with a
lot of my clients people and familiesI help, and it's just like it
could just be so simple, likeI don't understand, especially like people who
are going through divorce or custody battlelike they're like the least child center because
(13:26):
you know, like being adults anddon't use your children as ponds in this
right and it causes so much,so many problems. But eventually, like
you said, kids always go backto their mom. They do. I
know, it's genetic. They alwayswill go back to their mom. So
at what age did your son reachback out to you. So he was
(13:46):
fifteen when he reached out to me. He had just turned to seen him
in all of those years that younever saw him between all of those years,
No, wow, not I could. I had. I got to
FaceTime him a few times when hehad first moved back to Japan and then
when he realized that he couldn't controlme, and because he was wanting me
(14:11):
to pay him a bunch of money, and we never set out because I
knew how he could be. Wenever set an exact amount. In fact,
we never stated that I had topay child support, like we put
that in the paperwork, because Ididn't want him coming after me and trying
to put me in jail, becauseI knew that's something that he would try
(14:35):
to do, so, you know, and I said, I will volunteer,
I will give money, but Ijust don't want him to have a
way to control me. So hegot very upset by that. And because
I would not unblock him from myFacebook, so he refused to let me
(14:58):
speak to my kids for like,it's crazy six, that's crazy. Well,
we're going to take a break rightthere when we come back, Laura,
We're going to talk about reunification withyour children, how that has been
and how that has affected you.So we'll be right back listeners, and
I'll see you when you get back. Welcome back light Shiners from the Break.
Make sure you guys are leaving aone, two, three, four,
(15:18):
five star rating review it. Alsomake sure that you are sharing this
with your families and friends. Andwhen I say leave a review, write
something. I don't know when thelast time I looked at it. I
think it was like two episodes ago, I look. So I'm going to
look after this episode specifically and seeif any of y'all listen, because I
say it every single week, Butthe more that you guys leave reviews to
let people know, the more peoplewill listen to this. And this podcast
(15:39):
is strictly about lived experience and themother's specials and the biological parents specials are
so important for you guys to heardifferent aspects, especially as a foster or
adoptive parent. You know, weknow not every case is the same and
foster care and adoption is not amonolith, but we can always learn from
people who been through it. Wecan always learn from lift experience. So
(16:03):
please make sure that you are sharingthis, talk about it with your friends
and family. And I do wantto think shout out to all my Patreon
members. You guys make sure thatI can continue to do this work on
this podcast. So shout out toall of my Patreon tears. I appreciate
y'all. And without further ado,I do want to get back to Laura's
lift experience. So, Laura,your song came back at fifteen, How
(16:25):
has that been? How has reunificationbeen for you? So it's been it's
been a it's been an experience.So I actually, uh, when when
(16:48):
he came home, there was westayed at this hotel that had like double
rooms so he could have his ownlittle space and we could have ours because
we were still moving into the apartmentbecause we had like So what happened was
(17:08):
my ex husband and my young mymiddle son do not get along at all
anymore. And so he told mehe did not tell me he was sending
my son. My son reached outto me to tell me, hey,
Dad already bought the tickets and everything, and he said that if you don't
(17:30):
pick me up, then I'm justgonna be stuck in America. America bounced,
but he sent him on a planehimself. He's coming with them,
and like, we had no idea, so like we had to scramble to
get a new apartment because we wereliving in a one bedroom at the time,
(17:52):
so we had to scramble to geta new apartment, all this other
stuff. We were able, luckilyable to do that, but you know
how hard that it can be.But I mean, obviously definitely worth it.
So we got him into a charterschool because he's pretty traumatized by his
father and by the parental alienation,you know, they and it's so messed
(18:18):
up because imagine being a child andthinking that your mom downnourished you. I
can kind of relate to that alittle and going through your life kind of
relate to that a little bit.Because for the longest time, I thought
all of these things about my momand then when I met her, she's
like, nah, I didn't dothat, like or like it wasn't like
one thing that they're like, oh, she would starve you. I was
(18:40):
like, she would just poor.So we didn't have a lot of food,
but like we had food. Andthen when I talked to my brother,
he because you know, I wasthe youngest, so they have a
better memory with our with our birthmother than I do. And my brother's
always corrected me. He's like,you know, mom wasn't always the best,
but it's he goes Carls. Idon't know, like I feel like
my brothers tell me that they feellike I would tell the social workers one
(19:03):
thing like, oh, well,I didn't get to get my I didn't
get to eat today. When thatmeant I didn't get my French fries and
my chicken nuggets that I wanted,but we had like ramen noodles and peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches. And theylike took that and ran with it with
like, oh she's starving them.No, he just didn't get what he
wanted to ye, right, youknow, yes, well you want to
hear how ridiculous. This is thereason they thought that they were being malnourished
(19:27):
is because his wife is Japanese andshe expected them to come from America being
obese because they're Americans, and becausethey came home they came to Japan healthy.
She thought I was malnourishing them.Sounds like racism. Oh my goodness.
(19:48):
So it's been a struggle since.Now did just one come home or
did all your children come home?So my eldest is now twenty one,
so she was, uh, theywere never sorry, they're not they're not
binary and I'm still trying to getused to the pronouns and being respectful for
her stuff. So they're not.They are twenty one and they were able
(20:14):
to stay with their dad. Iwas not able to get her them back
for because I was still working ongetting back on my feet and everything.
They were like thirteen at the time, so yeah, they're old. They're
they are way older than the othertwo. But the I got my middle
(20:41):
son, my my youngest son,he is still in Japan and he wants
to come home. He wants tocome to me, and we're still working
on that. But my eldest soonce uh, we're actually like in the
pro like looking at land and buildinga house and stuff like that. But
(21:03):
what we want to do is wewant to build uh three houses, well
four houses technically, so our houseand then three houses for the children.
They wouldn't be like extravagant or anythingat like that, just you know,
a small like one of those tinyhomes. I guess, maybe a little
bit bigger. But they all wantto live with Mama, and I have
(21:29):
a very special relationship with my children. Even though my eldest didn't get to
live with me, we still gotto visit. We still got to talk
and stuff like that. And shestill does. She's she visits here and
at one point she's gonna come livewith us, but then she got a
job over there and stuff, soshe wanted to stay over there. But
(21:53):
my my middle he is thriving withus. I recently just went to his
first honorall academic letter certificate program andI got to see I know, I
got and I started crying, andmy husband got it, and my son
(22:15):
was like, what's wrongst Like,I didn't get the thing. I didn't
think I was going to get thisthis. So, what has been the
most difficult thing? And over theyears, you know, being an alienated
parent dealing with CPS, what whatwas what has been the most difficult thing?
(22:36):
And like even with the reunification,what has been the most difficult thing
in this whole process for you?So I do have PTSD from all of
this. Anytime we have any kindof inspection for the house or anything,
because we live in a least apartment, so we do have inspections. So
(22:56):
anytime we have a least inspection oranything like that, I do get really
anxious and start, you know,hurting Laura going around the house and cleaning
everything. But I still have nightmares. I've actually beaten my husband off in
the middle of the night with mynightmares. You know, my my new
(23:21):
relationship was pretty much you know,right at the at at right after I
lost custody. I ended up movingback to miss well back to the South,
but I ended up moving to Mississippiand I ended up starting dating my
my husband now, but like thatwas all during that So like we've had
a very interesting relationship because there's alot of loss there right at the beginning,
(23:45):
and now we're getting, you know, to happy times. But I
think, you know, dealing withthe mental health and you know, just
being afraid, like, oh,you know, what goes on in our
home stays in our home because Idon't trust CPS and I don't trust you
(24:11):
know, that kind of thing.And my son's al most eighteen and I
still, like, you know,brace at the thought of CPS ever visiting.
That's one of my I was justtalking to my husband about that today.
I was just like, you know, with us bringing in our niece,
that's one of my fears. Butthen I also just know that you
can't fear them, you know,just know your laws, know your facts,
(24:34):
standing your truth, standing your power, and like just know, like
even though but it's it's traumatizing though, it really is, you know,
and it really is. I mean, like I remember, like one of
the things that like, you knowyou have PTSD flashbacks, One of them
(24:55):
is hearing my youngest son cry ina way that I've never heard him cry
before, and hear him say I'mhis mommy, can she come with with
us? And I'm like, everytime I think about that, yeah,
it just sends me right back intoits Yeah. Well, Laura, I
want to thank you so much forcoming on and sharing your lived experience as
a birth parent and also as aformer foster youth. I asked this all
(25:21):
of the guests usually on the platform, about what you what would you tell
and adopted your foster youth in yourexperience? But since we're in birth Parents
Special Month, what piece of advicewould you give to a birth mother whether
they're fighting custody, whether they're fightingCPS or being an alienated parent, what
piece of advice would you give themdon't give up, don't let him make
(25:48):
you give up. I love that. I love that. Lord, did
you I know you have a business. I know you have a business because
I love giving my packages. Doyou want to give a shout out to
your business? Y'all? She makesthe most amazing beautiful necklaces and jewelry and
(26:08):
earrings and bracelets. So definitely,And I'm so happy that your family,
you know, everything's on up andup. We rarely hear, you know,
positive story, but you know what, the last two years for the
birth parents specials except for one CJhasn't had reunification yet, and I want
to be there for CJ's like reunificationwhen he finally gets to see his daughter
(26:29):
again or at least like talk tohim about it. But majority of the
birth parents the last two years,they really they're the I feel like that's
because we have people and we haveso much more knowledge on what to do
and like how to fight back.But we're seeing a lot more parents,
you know, reunify as of latein the last five to ten years.
So I loved hearing the positive perspectiveof like something happening positively after all of
(26:51):
that negative stress, you know.But yeah, absolutely he's a happy,
healthy boy. He has a boyfriend, he has a's and lovely. Right.
Let us know where can people checkout your work, check out your
your jewelry, give yourself a lettshout out. Okay, so my uh,
(27:14):
my business is called Crystal Hope Creations, not that there's Hope in there.
I never gave up Hope, andyou can check me out. I
have my TikTok is mostly where Ido most of my business stuff, where
I post most of my stuff,but you can also check me out on
(27:36):
Instagram. It's Crystal Hope Creations onInstagram. And then there's also my TikTok
which is Laura Winner. Now we'lltag that below in the show. Note,
but I want to thank you againso much Laura for coming and sharing
your lift experience and light shine.It's just like Hope said, don't give
(27:56):
up Hope, never stop shining orlight, which is why I always the
show with always shine your light becauseyou never know who you might inspire,
and you never know who you mightgod without light. So until next week,
guys, always shine your light andI'll talk to you then
Popular Podcasts
CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.