Ep: 72 "Lisa"

Hey Light Shiners! I am joined by Lisa an adoptee who didn’t find out she was adopted until she was 7 or 8. She also shares about the abuse she survived at the hands of her stepbrother. We share reunification stories and end the podcast with advice for one another. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Content warning.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
The Wards of the State podcast may contain material that
may be harmful or traumatizing to some audiences. Listener discretion
is advised. Hey, light Shiners, welcome back to another amazing

(00:38):
episode of Awards of This State. We are almost coming
up to our one hundred Oh god, that just took
me to.

Speaker 1 (00:43):
Hell out episode. I am so excited, y'all.

Speaker 2 (00:46):
This has been almost We're going on four years of
providing amazing, amazing stories from lived experience, from kids and
people who've experienced it. We've even started opening up once
a year to have parents, biological parents be on the
show and sure their stories and may even though we
only do that once a year, y'all, because you know,
you know what, who's important?

Speaker 1 (01:04):
The kids?

Speaker 2 (01:04):
Okay, our stories are important. But once a year we'll
give y'all may. We'll give y'all may. But I want
to continue. Guys, there's so many episodes. I'm sure you
haven't listened to them all. And if you have, have
you left me a one, two, three, four, five star
rating and review? Okay, I need that review so other
people can know to come to this show and really express.

Speaker 1 (01:21):
Don't just leave a five star. Put some comments in there.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
Let them know what you like, what you don't like,
what you want to improve, because I also look at
the comments. So if you guys want me to improve
on something, if I'm talking too fast, I know some
people say I was cutting people off.

Speaker 1 (01:33):
Somebody did it? Take me up on that, and they're
like cars, you becoming people off. So I'm working on it.
I'm working on it. Let me help me, help you
help me. Okay.

Speaker 2 (01:40):
But I want to thank everybody for just continuing to
come back every single week to listen to this podcast.
It is my pleasure to continue to be able to
share the lived experience of all of the children and
former false youth and adoptees and people who've experienced external
childcare because their voices are important. And not everybody wants
to build a platform, cause guess what the platforms they'd

(02:01):
be looking good until you be seeing them comments that
we got to deal with.

Speaker 1 (02:04):
Okay, okay, be careful what you wish for.

Speaker 2 (02:07):
But I do think there should be a safe environment
where people can share their stories without having to deal
with the world questioning them, right, And that's what we
provide here. We provide an hour for you guys to
listen to the stories of people with lived experience in
the child wilfare system. That is unadultraated, that is pure,
that is just them. It's their truth. So I want

(02:27):
to thank you guys for that. Also, make sure that
you are following us on YouTube. We are now going
live on YouTube, so make sure you're subscribing on YouTube.
If you want to watch the podcast live when I
record them, you can watch them. I believe we record
every Tuesdays and Thursdays, so every Tuesdays and Thursdays we
do our live recording. The shows do come out on Fridays,
so if you want to catch it early, that's the
way to catch it early for free. Otherwise you'll have

(02:49):
to wait until Friday for it to come out on YouTube.

Speaker 1 (02:52):
Edit it. Also, it's unedited.

Speaker 2 (02:53):
Live y'all, so if you want to watch it on
edited version, make sure you're checking out the YouTube. And finally,
make sure that you are subscribing to us on Spotify
and sharing with your family and friends. So those are
all the updates that we have for now. One last
update I do have to say, if you guys are
still waiting for your second book for my memoir series,
Ward of the State, thank you so much for your patients.

Speaker 1 (03:10):
They are coming.

Speaker 2 (03:11):
With the fires in California and everything, it has been
crazy getting them delivered, so we will have them to you.
Please give me. I'm going to just now push you
to February, the first week of February. I do appreciate
your patients and I do appreciate your support. So thank
you guys so much. And without further ado, I do
want to introduce our next guest, Lisa. Hey, Lisa, how
are you doing?

Speaker 3 (03:29):
Hey? I'm well, thank you, how.

Speaker 1 (03:31):
Are you doing?

Speaker 2 (03:33):
I am blessed and highly favored. So let's just hop
right into it. You were in the child warfare system.
Start with your story. What landed you in the child
welfare system?

Speaker 3 (03:42):
I was born in southern California to a team mom,
and later on in life I found out she had
a three year old when I was born. She about
fifteen sixteen, I guess with the first child. Her parents
said oh, it's okay, they'll go with the grandma, and
then she moved from her mother's house in La my
mother into her father's house down in San Diego after

(04:05):
they split up. So here's my mom with my grandfather,
and he had no idea she was pregnant till the
day I was born. She said I was born. She
couldn't remember I was born in the morning or the evening,
But when I caught up with her, she had said
that I was born early in the morning. It had
to be because he came out the house, looked at

(04:27):
the ambulance and turned around and kept it moving, like
went about his day. He was so upset, like it
was just like like she was trouble for them. But
I spent one day with her in the hospital, maybe
the second day. The first day she didn't she didn't
want to see me. She didn't want to, you know,
hold me or anything like that. I guess he was

(04:48):
very traumatizing to her as well. And they said the
second day she had to identify me for our identifying
information and things like that, because she had already made
the decision that they weren't gonna accept me, and she
had to interview several families to place me.

Speaker 1 (05:03):
Now, was there a reason that you k moved that
they weren't good too, that she just didn't want it
like the baby at the time.

Speaker 3 (05:09):
Now that I talked to my biological family, I found
them in my twenties, you know, now I've talked to them.
It was just very hush hush, you know, she was
living a little fast out there. I don't know what
the situation was for my grandparents to have split up
and moved so far away and all that, So I'm
sure my mom went through plenty of things that she
had to work through in other ways. You know, she

(05:31):
was working full time at wendy or part time rather
at Wendy's, and she was in school, so it wasn't
like she was in the streets for real.

Speaker 1 (05:39):
She was just a young girl, just.

Speaker 3 (05:41):
A young girl, gorgeous young girl. I saw her, I
was like, could I saw her picture at fourteen? I
was like, oh, no, wonder you were that her?

Speaker 1 (05:49):
She looked really street. Yeah, she looked really.

Speaker 3 (05:53):
Cute, you know. Really she was very attractive. And you know,
from what I've read in my adoption paperwork, she was
very smart at that time. For a lot, she was
very mature for her age. And there's never an excuse
for any type of abuse or anything like that, or
for victim blaming or anything like that. But she had
been through some things, and I don't think she's ready
to talk about those things. But I've also cut her

(06:13):
off here in the last year because you know, you
always think that you when you find your family, you
hope that they're inviting and they love you, and you know,
you help me find them. And I got used a
little bit or already, you know, just she struggles. She
ended up keeping, she kept having kids. All the high
hopes I had for her looking for her and growing up,

(06:36):
I really they didn't match up. They never you know,
I was.

Speaker 1 (06:39):
Excited to sell them for a second. Yeah. So have
you ever seen the movie Antoine Fisher?

Speaker 3 (06:44):
Actually no, I haven't seen it since I was a
little girl.

Speaker 2 (06:47):
I don't remember you if you remember, there's a scene
when he finds his birth family and they have like
this big old kitchen or like dining room for a
bunch of soul food, and like all of his parents
and family are there, you'll have to watch it again.

Speaker 1 (06:59):
That it's like what I thought my unification was going
to be.

Speaker 2 (07:02):
Like, I was like these they're going to be like
a house full of people just waiting there with their
arms open. My grape there, like yeah, but that's not
how it works, you know, And you know what's crazy.
So when my unification, it wasn't like that at all.
And I understand you when you say when you go
back and you kind of feel like they're burdens because
when I reunified, I was so happy to find my family.

(07:24):
But like the first thing they asked me was, hey, hey, nephew,
can I hold twin it up?

Speaker 3 (07:28):
Like right, wait a minute, I'm so sorry, honey.

Speaker 1 (07:32):
Can you help me? Can you put can you put
someone in light bill? I just wve twenty six hours
to come meet y'all.

Speaker 2 (07:38):
I haven't seen you in seventeen years, and the first
thing you asked me is put twenty dollars on the
light bill.

Speaker 1 (07:43):
Okay, I see how this is going.

Speaker 3 (07:45):
And you know, at least I feel like at least
they were upfront and their intenterest because I kind of
got duped. I got duped, you know. I feel like
they took advantage of that me being excited. And I'm
sure that that's what they did with you, is they
took it. They knew you were excited, they knew you
wanted to belong and with a lot of our relationships,
even with a doctor, a doctor, parents and friends, you know,

(08:06):
people that you need on that journey. They're taking advantage
of the fact that you want love that you that
you need someone you know to confide in, so you
know when you're I, honey, finding my adoptive parents to
be unfit after all these years of them being federal
big federal agents. My parents were let's.

Speaker 1 (08:29):
Roll back, let's roll back. We kind of got sidetracked,
did at the hospital.

Speaker 2 (08:34):
At the hospital, Yeah, your mom was looking through the
books of people, honey.

Speaker 3 (08:41):
She said she interviewed five families. But growing up, they
were so abusive to me, saying, nobody else wanted you.
We had to come get you from a foster care
lady and she was so old and she could barely
take care of you. Like they fed me this big,
crazy story that I was so unwanted and such a
burden to strangers.

Speaker 1 (09:00):
Your parents white or black or Latino Chinese?

Speaker 3 (09:03):
They're my father, My a doptive father is white and black.
He doesn't admit to being fully white or Caucasian, because
I have no idea why they're all pale, Like they're
he's mixed. So are they So?

Speaker 2 (09:16):
Are they FINEO? Typically white? Like if you look at that,
that's a white man in the photos.

Speaker 3 (09:20):
Yeah, in his in his family photos from the past. Yeah,
they're like transparent and you're like, my grandfather's white and
he's like no, Like I'm like, I don't know. I
don't know how Like he's not very open about his
family history, as if he doesn't love him, Like my
father has this complex like he preferred to be a
white man. Mm hmm. He's he's born fifty seven. So

(09:43):
I don't know what that means as far as the
times in you know, the country, because I was born
in California, but my parents, my a doctor parents, met
in San Diego and doing border patrol. They were ward
patrol agents. It's just it was, it was, it was.
It was hard growing up with people that aren't culturally
aware of their own selves. They don't love themselves, or

(10:05):
my father didn't love himself as a black man. It's
always these iggors, this with the hard R, the hardy R.

Speaker 1 (10:11):
Yeah he was as a white man.

Speaker 3 (10:13):
Yeah, And I loved him. You know, I tried to
I tried to respect him whoever he wanted to be
be you so I could be me type of thing.
But it was never that, you know, and I've seen
with other families on this show that that's that's what
it is. If you're not following their rules. You're not
marchan has to be to their drum, you're a problem.
And it's like you have everybody else doing something that's

(10:36):
not appropriate around you. But as soon as you do something, oh,
you're a big burden to everybody, and and you're this
and that, and it's like, dang, before I'm ten years old,
before I'm in double digits, that's crazy. So my parents,
my parents met in San Diego. I'm not sure why
you would adopt a child in the beginning of your career.
You my mother had three sons she had left in Virginia.

(11:00):
She had three boys, Yeah, and they were two years apart.
I think the youngest one was nine years older than
he's about seven to nine years old. I can't remember
because he was my first molester, don't I don't focus
on him too much. But he's a very big deal
in this story, which I'm grateful. I'm grateful to share
my parents. They married and worked in the border patrol

(11:23):
with none of the children. My mother's children were with
their father. My father didn't have any children at the time,
and so they worked as those agents. And then I
don't like, I really feel like, as I've been confronting
my dad. Now, it's a lot about money. It was
all about money. It was never about needing and wanting
a child, loving a child.

Speaker 1 (11:42):
So was your adoption private or through the foster care system?

Speaker 3 (11:45):
Now that I'm older and realized it was private because
of how I tried to go get retrieved my information.
That's how I found out. But they would make it like, oh,
you were in the foster care system for two years,
and I probably was. But they also turn around and say, oh, well,
we've had you your whole life since.

Speaker 2 (12:03):
You were Both both stories could be true, all right,
So you could have been You could have been removed
from your mother's care and placed into foster care while
your parents went through the adoption process, right, which could
take six month to two years. So technically they've had
had you. So they were doing visitations right, like weekend
visitations when you and you're an infant, right, But that

(12:25):
process you if it wasn't a private adoption, like a
specific private adoption.

Speaker 1 (12:29):
Also you said that because of the money. Did they
get paid for your adoption?

Speaker 3 (12:33):
See that's what I'm trying to figure out now because
my mother will say one thing, but it's like nobody
has real knowledge of what happen. Oh I don't remember
when it comes to me trying to find out things,
and then when I say, oh, well this doesn't make sense.
Why would this happen, And they'll put it on someone else,
like oh no. The last argument I have with my dad,
I was like, you literally adopted me to receive money
to help you and your new wife maintain a household

(12:55):
while y'all build your own legacy or wealth or whatever.
And he was like, no, that was I said me,
that was your mother. I was like wait, wait, which
he did not, and that's where the EPO kind of
took place the next day because he was like, I
will shoot.

Speaker 1 (13:09):
You, like every time I tell him, what is the EPO?

Speaker 3 (13:12):
So that just ended. I just got the letter for
it that I closed the case on the ninth because
I didn't want to see him again.

Speaker 1 (13:19):
I did.

Speaker 3 (13:20):
We've been in no contact for five months since August.
And August ninth, I got a new job that day.
I went like I couldn't. I can no longer rely
on him or anyone else. And I'm on foot. I
don't have a vehicle, so I you know, I'm trying
to find jobs and I find one that day, they're like, hey,
go down to this office and sign up. So I
hurried up and signed up. It was the first day

(13:40):
of school for the kids as well, and so I'm calling.
My dad's retired and he's a retired federal agent, and
I called him, and knowing he was already helping my
sister out with her son getting to him from school,
I thought, Hey, they want me to start this job.
I need the money. Can you please pick my son
up after school because I start at five right after
his bus kits there. And he's like, yeah, whatever. You know,

(14:01):
he has a little attitude, but he was like, yeah, sure,
we'll do. He goes and gets the baby. I'm at
work and I called a check to see if he's
got my son and he's like, yeah, I got him.
But I can't keep doing this, And like, bro, one,
I haven't worked in two months, and that's a long
time for me because of the last job, playing games
with me and not fitting my kids' schedule. Two I
never asked you. He didn't even know my bills relate

(14:22):
two months and all these things. I'm not giving you
my problems. I'm just trying to find solutions to him
and he's passed that on me, and I'm like, well,
I just got here, thank you forgetting my son. We'll
talk about this afterwork because it's my first day and
you're giving me crap. So hung up with him. Finished
my shift. It was only four hours long, four hour shift,
and when I got off work, I was able to like,

(14:42):
it's within five minutes distance of my home. So I'm
calling before I leave the building. Hey, I'm ready, I'm
getting off now, can you please bring him. I already
have to trust issues with him, so I'm trying to
get my son back before nine to eight or nine
pm because it's a school night and this is my
first time not doing the dinner thing. He's given me crap,
like I'm just putting too much on him, and I'm like,

(15:04):
I haven't even talked to you really all summer. I
haven't asked you for anything. And when I did tell
you my bills were behind and you knew I wasn't working,
you offered to pay one of them, which is great.
He well, I had to like force. I had to like,
I'm going insane, you know, please help me out. I
told you when my problems were, you ignored them. So
now I'm like begging. So he helped with one of

(15:25):
the bills, which is the light bill. I was grateful,
went to work that day, got home. My son didn't
come home. TI almost ten o'clock at night, and you
knew two hours ago. I was on my way home
and took five minutes, and so I'm waiting on my son.
I finally calmed down from being upset because I can't
work like this. I can't even start a new job,
and I don't feel supported. I don't feel loved, and

(15:47):
it's been like this for thirty plus years. So I
was waiting for him to pull up. I saw those
those lights pull up outside. I was outside at the
door waiting for them, Like Dad, I've been wanting to
say this for a long time. I don't feel supported,
I don't trust you. I'm unhappy. And every time I
start something, you guys come in and y'all say, oh,
y'all can't help me, that you're fully retired, and that's

(16:08):
not I can't tell you what to do with your schedule,
with your time. But if I see you helping my sister,
you're like, you're offering this help that she doesn't even
really need. She works from home, so you know, it's
kind of like we're I don't have child. Well, no,
she's two years younger than me. They end up having
a child after.

Speaker 1 (16:28):
That answers the question right there.

Speaker 3 (16:29):
Yes, that's his first and only child, biological child. And
also my mother.

Speaker 1 (16:35):
Did you not know that through, did you?

Speaker 3 (16:38):
Honey? And I never took that out on her. I
always defended her, her big sister. I love being a
big sister. But and you know, he plays that, he
uses that against me, like, oh, you're just jealous of her,
You're jealous. We won't even be talking about her, and
he'll say, you're just jealous of your sister. And it's
like you're the one who plays us against you. She
confides in me. When she's being believed her own biological father,

(17:01):
he calls her fat and belittles her, and when she
needs help, like she she'll go through all of that.
She's fine with that. I'm fine when not talking to
you for two to six months to get Jack right.
I don't need you. I prefer to have you in
my life because you're the only person I've ever known
to call a father. Even when I thought I found
my biological father and back in California because I'm in

(17:22):
Kentucky now. I found all my biological family and they're
still in California or Alaska or somewhere close to where
I originated. It's really hard because, like you said, with
the slavery thing, the adoption versus slavery thing, I've been
saying that for years now, and I felt guilty for
saying that. But I've been comparing my life to like
when when they was trying to force Kunta to say

(17:42):
his name is Toby.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
I had to be your name to who's Toby.

Speaker 3 (17:49):
I don't know that I had a birth name. I
didn't even know that my mother held me until I
was in my twenties. Like I didn't know. They said
she didn't care about me. She was a hoe, and
she was this and that. It's like they wanted me
to have zero identity. It took my name, changed my
name because at first it seemed sweet, like, oh, you
want a new baby, you want the baby to be
to be special to you and the family name and stuff.

(18:10):
Randy is a great uncle I have that I never
I met once and he lived in New York. We
never got to go visit him in New York. It's
like it's not even special really, so it's like, why
would you change my name? And it's so ugly. I'm
not gonna say Randy's ugly. It's just I always got
to teased. Is it being a boy name? You know?

Speaker 2 (18:27):
And twenty twenty five Randy's kind of cute? And then
you know what, they even spell it too cute.

Speaker 3 (18:35):
No, it's oh my god. So I'm super grateful for
the whole experience. But it starts off like being in California,
life is great, it was beautiful. I went with that family.
I didn't know I was adopted till we moved out
of California at seven eight years old. That's when I
started asking questions like y'all pale, like y'all like skin?
I'm dark skinned and my sister the only.

Speaker 1 (18:57):
Dark skin are you? The only dark skin sibling?

Speaker 3 (18:59):
Are your step brothers are? Because I'm black and Cuban.
That's when my parents were mixed with and then by
adopted brothers. There's three of them that were about the
same set, same pair. Their father's Mexican and my mother's black,
and it was just like even they were a different tone.
They were like either light, like they had a different
shade to them. I'm being Afro Latino, a for Latino

(19:20):
and everything, and even still that was she left them
behind and they still when they came back around. I
don't know why my parents decided they want to make
up for lost times when those guys were in their
teen late teens, early twenties. If you're not in that
household raising those kids, just focus on kids that you
gat at least right there in front of you, Like,

(19:40):
I mean, I don't know. It's like they went and
took them back in provided education for them. None of
them graduated high school. They all had to go get
their GEDs and stuff. And in the midst of them
trying to make up for lost times with them, I'm
getting molested. I'm getting ignored, like I'm getting told like
and then it's like you're calling me a burden and
a liar in front of this said person or these

(20:01):
said people, and it's like they're taking a bit. They
ate shit, they ate that up, especially when they are
probably jealous because I was adopted before they were raised
directly from their own parents.

Speaker 1 (20:12):
I've went through a.

Speaker 3 (20:13):
Lot of thought processes of why I was molested or
why my federal agent. Parents didn't do more to protect me,
And honestly, I feel like leaving the situation to analyze
it and figure it out. A lot of people don't
have the option till later in life, but leaving was
the best thing I could do so I can actually
have these conversations, see what was going on, so I

(20:34):
can raise my kids in a more healthy way, like
I already loved my children harder, more expressed to, like
I let them be them and get so many things
to like. All the bad things that happened to me
made me a better parent.

Speaker 2 (20:45):
So let's talk about that, because you're skating around that
a little bit, and I do want to because we've
heard a lot.

Speaker 1 (20:50):
About the current things that are going on. But what left.

Speaker 2 (20:53):
Yes, I know you spoke a little bit about the EPO,
but then there are some sexual abuse in scapegoating. So
I want to hear about how was your day to
day in this house. We heard a little bit of snippets,
but how was your dad to day? How did you
get through high school? How did you end up a
young Still? Yeah, I think we ended that around like

(21:15):
you were adopted, right, You're in this house, you live
in California.

Speaker 1 (21:19):
How was your day to day?

Speaker 3 (21:21):
So the earliest I can remember, I know, I was
like maybe two or three and it was just me.
And then they had this newborn and I'm like, okay,
and I'm not realizing I'm adopted. So we moved around
in California a lot. They went from border patrol to
I guess, promotions and stuff to become federal agents, and
so we moved around three times before I realized, Okay,
this is my family, this is what's going on. I

(21:42):
had me a little dog, a little dumbatian. I was happy.
You know. The first five years of my life awesome.
I couldn't ask for a better life. But it was
around the time where I guess they started taking my
brothers in again between twelve and they were between twelve
and seventeen at the time, the three of them, and
they came for the summertime, and we had three babysitters

(22:02):
that I can remember to this day that were weekly.
We had one girl who come if they want to
go out at night or worked on the graveyard shift.
She lived across the street. We had a few in
the area in the neighborhoods, and they lived across the
street from each other, so if one wasn't home. So
one summer they decided the twelve year old that they

(22:23):
had been estranged from all these years should watch the kids.
All I remember is like watching Power Rangers and being
a kid and enjoying the Cali life. We had a
great life in California. I enjoyed being a kid. And
I remember we weren't able to go outside with him.
We weren't able to do the stuff we do with
other babysitters with him. We had to watch TV in

(22:44):
the house and just be in the house. He me
being five turn at six and him being twelve. It's
like he was down there a group, Like, in my eyes,
that's a teenage grown almost a grown adult, and he was.
He was really he must have been doing this for
a long time prior, because he just whipped his stuff out,
talking about a joystick, and it was just like what

(23:06):
I went from being a kid in that moment to
like going into fight or fight mode. And I just
remember snatching out my little sister, you know, she's about
three at the time or something like that, and I'm like,
let's go to my room. And I realized only one
of the I had like French doors or whatever. Only
one of the doors locked, and I was like, fuck,
this is like all right, So we ran through my room.
He's like making up a game chasing surround and I

(23:26):
remember just being locked in the bathroom up the hall
till my parents came home. And then they had him
watch us the next day, and I just remember like
trying to leave little signs to my mom like she
wasn't right by leaving my overalls undone. I left him
undone after he was doing whatever he was doing, and
I just remember my mom looking at me all stupid,
like why are your clothes like not even thinking like

(23:47):
why are your clothes messed up? And I'm like you
figured that out, like I'm over like I don't know,
I'm trying to figure And so I left it alone
because he didn't watch us anymore after that. I guess
they went home to Virginia or wherever they were from,
and in two days changed the whole.

Speaker 1 (24:00):
Life he did he was that anything happen.

Speaker 3 (24:03):
In those two days or was it just here just
trying to his ride or whatever He's trying to get
all just remember joystick, like what because and back in
the day, you remember we had the little Nintendo and
all that stuff, so I'm thinking that ain't no Joystick boys.
So I just remember running around like this is not
a fun game, but you know whatever, and that's all

(24:24):
he said. He was like, you know, come touch it,
you know whatever, and just had this stuff out and
so I was like hell no, and I kept it,
kept it moving. And my parents never put two into together.
They might have known, like I feel, I have a
feeling after all the time that I spent telling my story,
behavior problems, whatever. Even when I told they they they

(24:44):
threatened to give me a lot of techtive tests, you know,
because I didn't put two and two together till okay.
So he left after those two days or just didn't
watch us anymore thro those two days, and then left
after the summer. And then we started moving around that
year or the following year to get closer to Kentucky,
where my parents are from. My adoptive parents are from
Kentucky and Chicago. So we we're going from San Diego

(25:05):
to and my dad stays behind. So we moved to
Kansas City with my mom. Then he goes to the
academy in Georgia to get a promotion and we're just
left behind. And my mother, honey, she I see why
she left in three kids in the first place. Because
when we were along with her and Kansas, it's like
everything flooded to me. That's when I first started getting
curious about all the sexual My parents had sex tapes,

(25:29):
they had, you know, little porn of the VHS porn
stuff they had. My dad was open with his playboys.
It was like a whole It was like a trophy catalog,
Like I don't even think he likes women at this
Like now I don't don't. I feel like it's all
the front. I think my parents' marriage was like a front,
you know, with the information I've gotten over the years.

Speaker 1 (25:46):
So you know, there's a.

Speaker 2 (25:48):
Tiffany's episode. Her parents sounds very familiar to your story.
Her parents got married. They were I think in the
military or something like that. His mom knew that the
man was gay, but he needed he needed a beard,
so they got together and then adopted this child so
they can have this idea of this a we're a

(26:09):
cute little family. And then years later he ended up
leaving the mom for a man, and then Tiffany got
abused by the mom, and then like that's like her story.
She went back home, then she went back to her
dad when he was with his partner, and she said,
like they did pretty good, but like it was like
so much trauma had happened all yeah, and you know
in the seventies and eighties and early nineties, like this,

(26:32):
this is what was happening people right couldn't live their
true self right especially.

Speaker 3 (26:37):
Say it's so sad because it's like, even with all
the abuse, even with not feeling protected, I heart more
from my father now finding myself and finding my spiritual
you know, healing and everything like that. I hate that
you hate yourself. I hate that you can't be yourself.
I hate that you take it out on other people.
But it makes me sad for your inner child because

(26:57):
throughout the years I would watch like that Scout documentary
and knowing my daddy that was his heart right there.
He still has little forks and shit they use in
the damn the woods and stuff, and he clings to
that and he's like way a hoarder sort of keeps.
He keeps a lot of stuff and then keep he's
like a pack rat. And me seeing how close he
is to the outdoors and that whole, his whole mentality

(27:19):
is he's not he's not healthy, he doesn't keep himself
in shape. But he's a camper. He's a boy scout.
He's always fixing something. He's always doing something. And it's
like I called him after that documentary I was watching Dishes.
I called him a couple of years ago after watching
it and I asked him, does something happened to you
in boy Scouts? He said, something happened to my little friend.
And what Ain't nothing happened to your little friend that

(27:42):
didn't happen to you? Boo, you must be the little friend,
because ain't no way they It just it messed me
up because throughout the years I started to question my
dad's sexuality, and you know, after my parents breaking up,
it really started to show he may not like women.
He's very mean to women. He does not black women
at all.

Speaker 2 (27:59):
So you were moving all over the place, I know,
and sorry, no, you're fine.

Speaker 1 (28:03):
I like to keep it.

Speaker 2 (28:04):
That's my job is keeping us on track too. So
we're moving all over the place. How long did things
start to get rocky? Like it wasn't only into your
brothers came with you guys permanently honey or were things
like Rocky Before.

Speaker 3 (28:18):
As soon as we moved from California, I was like
a punching bag. I was constantly urinating on myself in
the night, like I wouldn't be on myselven daytime. Hell,
I'm five sixty and I wasn't doing it after being
party trained, I wasn't peeing on myself before he came
to visit, and I didn't know what was going on.
And after a while, I think, even after being exposed

(28:41):
that I was messing myself in the bed, they didn't
put two into together. They didn't. It was just more punishment.
It was like you're nasty, or you're this and that.
And then when I started saying that instead of trying
to fiure out what was wrong with me, I started
hiding the soil pull ups and stuff or whatever. And
then that was like a phase because they started realizing, well,
of course the smell. I didn't know what a child,
you know, they would still find out. They started to

(29:02):
realize something might have been wrong, but they made it
like it was a psychological thing, like I was just
I came from a fuck up family, like I came
from a crazy woman or something like that. They wouldn't
got me a cat scan. They went and did all this.
At seven years old, I was like, well, I don't
feel like nothing's wrong with me. And I thought I
expressed like something was wrong when I left my clothes
undone and all that, but I didn't know how to

(29:24):
tell them what happened, so I just wanted them to
kind of guess. And then I just you know, eventually
I tried to train like my brain not to you know,
sleep so deep or whatever, and it didn't work out
till I told on him years later. That only made
it worse for me. Like as soon as I started
asking about my adoption, that's when things started turning left,
because I'm starting to wonder about myself more. I was

(29:46):
almost eight years old and I was almost developed like
a thirteen year old, and I started my my menstrual whatever.
I don't know what to say on there. I started
on my site.

Speaker 1 (29:57):
It's an explicit podcast, so you can say whatever you are.

Speaker 3 (30:00):
So I started my cycle around that time that we
moved to Kansas City, and she was preparing me for
She knew that, you know, I was developing at a
fast rate, and she would just take me to the
doctor and act like I was just crazy. And then
I became a liar with the whole hiding the panthers
but not wanting to be seen that way. I started

(30:20):
acting out of school, talking more in class, trying to
be the cool girl, stuff like that. And this is
very young. So and we're the only black families in
every neighborhood we've lived in. Like I my dad, he
wanted to prove that he was worthy. I don't know, Tom,
but leaving their families behind to pursue their careers, it
gave very much. They would run away from home, it

(30:42):
gave very much. They didn't love them, their life as
a child and stuff like that. So anyway, so we
moved to Kansas City. I'm starting to see that I
have issues that they're telling me I have that I
don't under you know, I'm kind of understanding why. It
was a secret between my little sister and I what
he did. She didn't really really remember, but we started
to use that against each other to get each other

(31:03):
to do stuff like I'll tell what he did if
you don't do the dishes type shit like it was weird.
It was. We both need a lot of counseling from that. Time,
like I've feeled myself and I've talked to a lot
of folks along the way. I'll put myself in counciling
to fifteen. But there's a lot that wasn't discussed. There's
a lot that I've gone back and apologized to her
for several different things. But it was still a very

(31:26):
different life for both of us. In the same household
in Kansas City. I was like her caregiver. Our parents
were never home. My dad was in a whole nother state.
My mother would go to work at like six am,
five or six am, and we would get up for school, ourselves,
get ready for school. I remember making easy bake oven
for a breakfast at some point, like we didn't have
My parents were militant, like, you better know your social

(31:46):
you better know this, you better know the phone number,
you better not don't call nobody, don't do da da
da da. Y'all keep all our business to ourselves. And
it's very hush hush, very hush hush family, very You're
responsible for yourself unless I'm in, unless I'm around. And
even then it just felt like they were telling us
go get beers and stuff like that. Oh, they've had
a long day. So we're just the servants type of thing.

(32:09):
But my sister was the baby there was that that
was the one that I got. My mom took her time,
even in Kansas City. That's when I remember her doing
her hair every night before school. But I'm in the
bathroom struggling at seven and eight years old to get
a hairstyle for the next day, and I would cry.

Speaker 1 (32:23):
I would hate myself, my.

Speaker 3 (32:26):
Own hair, and I used to steer in the mirror
until I could not recognize myself, like I disassociated. So
like every time I use the restroom, sometimes I go
in there just to do this. I would use the
restroom and come out and steer into the I was
stair into the mirror washing my hands or afterwards, until
I didn't recognize myself and until I didn't know, like
until I was a clean slate, didn't know who I
was because all the other stuff was messing with me,

(32:47):
like the molestation. I didn't know how to explain. My
mother treated me like I was a burden to her
because I had a problem at night, you know, using
the restroom. But you guys are kissing my little sister's
But yeah, got her hospital bracelets y'all have. Then they
swoon over that stuff every day every chance they got.
They were look at your this, look at this, and
I'm starting to wonder where to help my stuff at

(33:08):
And I'm like, oh, okay, so that's weird. And one
night I just asked them my dad was there to
visit to help us move and transition from Cali to
Kansas City. And I stepped out on the back of
porch back deck and I'm like, so, where's my stuff where?
It's like, why am I discolored? Why you know, what's
going on? And they're like shocked, like, oh, it's time,
Like what this is going on? And they explained to

(33:30):
me what was going on about being adopted. I don't
think it fully clicked still at seven or eight, come
on now, and I thought, wow, all this time, I
thought I belonged to them, and I thought it was
a loving family, and I thought it was I thought
everything was normal. So that's kind of why I didn't
feel like y'all trusted this kid with us. So it's like,
and that's your kid, So I didn't know if it was,

(33:52):
you know, normal or what. Then they sexualized everything. My
parents were freaks. If you want to say that my
mother was very unfaithful. They are fought a lot over
both sex. My mother was bisexual, so that's another reason
why I think my dad was or whatever. So it
was just it was a lot. It's a lot like
I feel like we need part two.

Speaker 2 (34:11):
I know it sounds like it sounds like a lot
in one household re least, if we're going to take
a quick break when we come back, I want to
talk about more about you reunifying with your family, your
birth family, yes, how you got to that process, and
how your childhood affected you as a young mother. So
we're going to take a quick break Light Shiners and
we'll be right back. Do you need to take a
break or anything left?

Speaker 3 (34:31):
No, I'm great. I've been really nervous, Like you're doing
this episode.

Speaker 2 (34:38):
Right, You're doing great, you're doing Welcome back to the show,
Light Shiners. Make sure you guys are once again leaving
usself one two, three, four, five star rating and review
on Apple Podcasts. Make sure you're subscribing to us on Spotify,
and make sure that you are subscribing to me on YouTube.
We're doing video episodes of all of the new episodes. Sorry, y'all,
I know some of y'all ask.

Speaker 1 (34:56):
If we could do the video episodes of the previous episodes.
We can't.

Speaker 2 (34:59):
We didn't have the techn but now we do. So
if you want to watch the episodes that you're listening
to right now, hop over to the YouTube. I believe
my YouTube is just my name, Carlos Dialer. Hop over
to the YouTube and check it out. Make sure you're
leaving some comments. I'm sure Lisa and all the other
guys would like to hear what y'all think about their
episodes and the comments.

Speaker 1 (35:15):
Be nice. Be nice, because I will delete night not
nice comments. Okay, but yeah, make.

Speaker 2 (35:19):
Sure you guys are sharing the podcast with everyone. Also,
make sure you're checking out Carlosdaler dot com for all
upcoming events. There is an announcement guys, I do I
did miss at the beginning of the show. Starting in February,
we are doing monthly newsletters, So there will be a
link in my bio for you to sign up for
a monthly newsletter. In the newsletter, it's just going it's
called the Ward Connection, and it's going to have like

(35:41):
movie suggestions to watch if you're interested in learning about
fALS care and adoption. We're going to have light shiners
highlights where we just kind of highlight adoptees and former
foster youth and people in the triad who are doing
great work. And then also we're going to have like
news adoption news that's been going on.

Speaker 1 (35:56):
So it's just kind of.

Speaker 2 (35:57):
A monthly thing to keep us all kind of on
track throughout the year. What's going on with the community,
what's going on with the law, especially with our new president.
We really have to keep our eyes out, especially for
our rights which are already being ignored and really just erased.
So thank y'all, and without further ado, I want to
get back to Lisa's story. So, Lisa, you were going

(36:18):
through all of this growing up. When did you conceive
your first child and how did your family react to that?

Speaker 1 (36:23):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (36:23):
MG, Well, I graduated high school and wanted to go
straight to the military. Well didn't want to, but I
looked at all my options to get away and learn myself.
And all three of my brothers had been in the military,
and at the time, my favorite brother, the only one
that wasn't weird to me for real, he had been
stationed in Maryland with his wife and decided that write

(36:45):
like a week after my high school graduation, I would
go with them, and that didn't work out. It was
so many issues with that that I came back home
and I tried to do like ups and like try
to find other ways to get into some military and
still maintain my independence. That the little independence I did
have was working all the time, and my parents weren't.
They weren't supportive with anything I wanted to do. It
didn't matter what it was. If it wasn't what they

(37:07):
wanted me to do at that moment, forget about it.
But I told them I was going to the military,
and they were like, oh, go for it. Well, you're
not gonna listen to authority. I didn't listen to y'all,
but I'm gonna listen to somebody's gonna pay me, you know.
So I was like, nah, I gotta get away from y'all.
And my brother's conditions at his home weren't that good.
So I came back home like I was not being
He used me for money and had a whole little

(37:29):
situation where I had, like I said, forget it, I
was only seventeen still for a couple months, So I
came back home and I went to like I said,
I went to ups. I think I got one of
my old jobs back from high school. And then I
just worked it out. I had been online. I wasn't dating,
but I was online, and Facebook at the time had
these weird little games or like young adults were doing,

(37:51):
like don't judge me, the little numbers and colors and
what do you think about me? Type of thing. Now,
I didn't never, I never partok in that stuff before.
But then I did this one time and I met
this boy on Facebook.

Speaker 1 (38:06):
We talked.

Speaker 3 (38:07):
I wasn't feeling him. I thought he was in the military.
I thought he had slip stuff going for himself, so
I thought, oh, he'd be a cool friend. I didn't
like him at first. It took me six months to
become a friend to him. My parents, my parents started
some mess. My dad had this cold credit card. Y'all
know if I don't know if y'all have clods out there,
but it's like little clothing store or whatever. So he
put a credit card in my name. I had no idea.

(38:28):
That's how it was that. I didn't know how credit
cards work. Yeah, which was, oh my god, it was
like those one of the only great things he did
for me as an adult, and I thought because he
just closed the count a couple years ago, I had
no idea because I never I haven't had a card
since I was eighteen, So I'm like, wow, the in
fact that he kept it open and kind of used
it as Christmas gifts and paid it off, Oh that

(38:48):
was good. But I had the card in my position
at this time, and my mother was asking for help
because she wanted to start monastery. She wanted to start school,
and she needed close for the school, and I'm like, mom,
you were so irresponsible. So I took her shot from
my mom with the credit card, and when I came back,
when the bill came back, my dad was like, you
spent six hundred dollars on this, and I'm like, no,

(39:10):
I three hundred for Christmas for my girls and you
my sister Da Da Da, and three hundred for that
trip with my mom weeks later. So when the statement came,
it's like, I'll hit the limit. And I'm like, I
didn't realize that you never cared before. He's like, your
mom already got all this stuff out of me from
the divorce. And it was really a fight between them
two because it wasn't a problem when I spent three

(39:30):
hundred dollars for me and my friends or my or myself.
And so my mother decided to lie and say, oh,
I didn't go with her to cols. We went to
two different coals. Honey, I couldn't give me up her stocks.
But I all got done with you, and she was like,
she must have spent it on a boy. Girl. That
fucked up our trust right there. Like I was done
with my mom right then and there. Done with my

(39:52):
dad because I got kicked out of school because he
didn't pay my tuition fresh out at their federal agency,
Like there's no fast FA. So I just got to
kick out of classes because I wanted to be you know,
I wasn't going to the military, so I wanted to
go to school. I took two classes. I paid for one,
he didn't pay for the other one. So they forced
me to kind of hang out with this guy. Because
the same night that they did all this arguing over

(40:12):
what I spent the money on, when the statement says
women's clothing, I call him up. I'm like, hey, you know,
I need someone to talk to. I get to crying
about everything and we don't even I have been pushing
this boy to the stide. I've been curving him for months,
so he's very open. He was like, cool, you want
to come over whatever, and we start off. Really we
were friends, you know, the first few months. He introduced

(40:33):
me to good music. Nipsey dropped the marathon that year,
and that was the game changer for me learning who
he was and all that. So he was he ad
great taste in music. I didn't really like we when
I first tried it, but we started smoking and started bonding,
and that started my relationship with my son's father where
I got pregnant maybe six to eight months later. We

(40:53):
had been kicking it every single day. I would try
to start new different jobs and do and try to
find myself and make that money so I can get
on my own.

Speaker 1 (41:01):
And I kind of messed up.

Speaker 2 (41:03):
I was listening it happened of stuff. So during that time,
it sounds like you were like a young adult. When
did you start to take the steps to find your
biological family.

Speaker 3 (41:13):
Soon as I got pregnant, I wanted to know health
issues stuff like that. So I was turning. I had
just turned nineteen when I found out I was pregnant.
I was breaking up with this guy. You know, things
just weren't working out. He wasn't as ambitious and stuff,
and I was ready to be done with him. And
even his mother said, oh, my son ain't worth two cents.
But when she started down in him we were breaking up.
I started feeling bad for him because I just that's

(41:34):
why I'm leaving my family, like they treated me like
should your honey, ice sees. I figured he needed more love.
I don't know what, Like, I was just attached and
felt bad because I figured, if parents are like this
and they're not my biological parents, and then your biological
parents are treating me like this, maybe you're you know,
you need more love. I don't know. And so as
soon as I was going to break up with him

(41:54):
for good, we I said, look, I think you need
to go to my next doctor's appointment with me. And
at first they said I wasn't pregnant. They said the
little pea the peace stick was negative. I was like,
what the hell, I ain't had a period in a month.
And his reaction to us being pregnant was so shocking,
like he was so excited he's never had children before.
He still lived at his parents' house, which is embarrassing.

(42:15):
But as soon as we found out we were pregnant,
I took upon myself to move at my dad's. So
I was like, look, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
But when I found out, I told him, look, you know,
I'm gonna move in with the dad in his family.
I don't want to be pregnant in your house. I
don't want to disrespect you, so I know how you
feel about that. And I left and he didn't take that.
He didn't take that well. I don't know if he
was a control thing or he felt, you know, like

(42:37):
pushed away or whatever, but he didn't like that very much.
And while I was living with my baby daddy or
whatever you want to call it. I don't usually use that,
but I was living with him, and I realized I
need to know more about my family. I started doing
more research. I had been using this website. I don't
remember what it is right now, but it was an
adoption website. I used to sneak on when we had

(42:58):
with AOL and the build up whatever it's called. There
you go dial up. When we had dial up, I
used to sneak on computer not to do with my
space and stuff, but to find my family and my
parents used to be pissed when they found out I
was like twelve and on and so the same website
I used at twelve, I tried it at twenty and
I found a lady that was willing to help me,

(43:19):
and she said, well, do you have any of your information?
I'm like, well, I only have this information. She was like, no,
that can't be all the information that you have. If
they gave you your packet. My parents fake pumped me.
They gave me a packet with two papers in it,
when there's a.

Speaker 1 (43:33):
Whole the whole file. Yep.

Speaker 3 (43:35):
I reordered it and when she asked me those questions,
I reordered it from San Diego County and I got
it within a few weeks. It took a while, and
to find out I was named. My mother expressed herself
so so in depth, like she was so deep with
how she felt about me being put up for adoption,
what she wanted from me, and everything was a lie.

(43:56):
It was just like, Wow, they really lived to me
my whole life. Who's Lisa?

Speaker 1 (43:59):
Like?

Speaker 2 (44:00):
I tell adoptees that all the time because so many adoptees,
specifically adoptees who are in the fog. They'll be like, oh,
my birth parents were drug heads, they were crackheads. They
did and I said, and I was like, he s
from the truth. Have you spoken to them personally or
have you read that file?

Speaker 1 (44:15):
Because if you're depending on what.

Speaker 2 (44:17):
Social workers or your adopted parents are saying, I'm telling
you it's probably not when I found your parents or
that file, right, And it's so sad that you can't
even rely.

Speaker 3 (44:28):
And then when I confronted him, like you told me that,
it was just like I was just okay, well what
it's like the adagere like okay, well what you want
me to do a better now? Like okay, apologize like.

Speaker 1 (44:39):
You like, that's what my adoption.

Speaker 3 (44:44):
My child being molested by their son. And I came
out at eleven with that. They were like, oh, get
over it, but he can still come around. He literally
they put him out of the home today that I
told them after they guessed what was going on with
me over the phone while there at work. They were like,
is he doing something to you? Because I was calling
about something else he did. I'm like, he's he's touching
my dad stereo. After he said yesterday. We none of

(45:04):
us can touch it. That's not even his dad. And
my mom was like, is he touching you? I was like, girl,
what the fuck? I'm like, if you knew, why would
you leave me with him? This is like years after
this is I'm like, no, I was like eleven, and I'm.

Speaker 2 (45:19):
Like the first incident happened around at six, So this
is six, yes, years.

Speaker 3 (45:23):
And we've had gaps where he didn't live with us,
but he's been living with us now for the last
couple of years, since we moved to Kentucky. They moved him.
I was just I was in church camp, a Lutheran
church camp, which is a whole other story. And I
came home to what would have been my birthday celebration
or my favorite brother, my only brother. Really he bought
me b twok takers, you know how that was back
in the day. I was so happy to come home

(45:44):
from from church camp. I said, I forget everything. And
I got home and also found out that man was
living with us, and like all the memories everything start
flooding my brain, like, oh, this is why I've had
issues my whole life or most of my life. Now
fast forward to like a year later after I spoke
on what he was doing. I couldn't take it for
a year. He was so bold about it, and it

(46:05):
pissed me. He'll do it in the car, my parents driving,
they're both in the car. He's in the backseat, touching
us or touching me.

Speaker 1 (46:10):
Rather.

Speaker 3 (46:10):
I don't remember him doing anything to my sister, and
I remember they'll like we were in between moving homes
and stuff, and he'll call my name and stuff. I'll
ignore him. I'll just like stay away from him, ignore him,
pretend I'm asleep, lock my doors. I got in trouble
for locking my doors. I would lock my sister door
and get us in trouble. I stopped caring about getting
in trouble. And it's like throughout the years, other people

(46:31):
abuse me and you know, uh, cousins out of town,
my dad, my dad, my parents just left us. They
just would leave us. And they felt like because if
they're authlready, they could do that. They felt like nobody better,
nobody's gonna mess with you, because nobody's gonna mess with me.
Type of attitude when it's like your whole family doesn't
love or respect you. That's why we had to mind

(46:51):
grade back to see them, and like when we moved
here to Kentucky where they wanted us to all be
a big, happy family, all of a sudden, nobody, there's
no support.

Speaker 1 (46:58):
Now.

Speaker 3 (46:59):
I haven't talked to my mother's family since she passed
eleven years, you know, Like, and I tried to insert
myself just to realize you hated my mother. Why the
hell were we hosting? We hosting shin digs and stuff.
No wonder we were getting abused, No wonder things were
so shady growing up, No wonder all the secrets were.
Get over it. They didn't want to be embarrassed. But
you should be embarrassed anybody that takes on children that

(47:20):
already has children on top of that, and lets things
happen to them without any real You're a federal agent,
and you bringing justice to all these little white girls
and boys and all these other little kids in around
the world, which I don't deserve it.

Speaker 1 (47:33):
I should get over The call was coming from the
side the house.

Speaker 2 (47:35):
It sounds like, right, So with your biological family, you
find this website.

Speaker 1 (47:41):
What was like? How to get out of these people? Like,
how was first meeting?

Speaker 3 (47:45):
I hate skating around this. I really at least like
cause some things I just don't even think about anymore.
But I found the PI. Then we find I gave
her more of the information I sold. I told her
what my identifying information stated, what my mother's name was,
and all this she came up with in like less
than two weeks. She came up with two lists, one
wast of what would be my birth mother's name, and

(48:08):
it was six people on that list. And then what
would be my brother who was three at the time
and I was born, what he you know, his identity love,
what his possible name would be. It is so ironic
that when we found my mother, I found out her
name was Brandy, was an eye, and she was like
second or third on the list. And I just I
reached out to all these people separately. But when I

(48:29):
was just do my research and stuff and I reached
out to her, I had a feeling it was her,
you know, I was like, WHOA, what are the odds?
And when I reached out to her, it was the
same month my adoptive mother had passed, so I had
put that on hold. Like this whole search, I wasn't
worried about any responses or anything like that. What broke
my heart about my mom because once I put the
two and two together, like Brandy had, But my birth
brother's name is Randy Randall or whatever. So it was

(48:51):
just like, oh, that.

Speaker 1 (48:53):
Kind of like after her because her name is Brandy
from maybe maybe maybe they knew your mama's name was Brandy,
sort of like, oh, we can name her Randy and
she has Listen, that's kind of gross thought.

Speaker 3 (49:07):
I don't like them for how the hell that's gonna
be the most important thing to you and y'all, I'm
not important, but the cuteness of the name, and I
get the hell out.

Speaker 2 (49:14):
They dropped the bea, just like they dropped that birth mother.
So they just dropped the bee and they said Randy.

Speaker 3 (49:19):
I can't believe they did that. You got a point,
you know what, Damn it's weeir. I'm named after their
uncle and my great grandmother in the middle name. But
I found you never met, Okay, honey, I'm still learning
stuff about myself and I can't I can't believe that
I went through that as a child, and I can't
believe a lot of us have gone through those things.

(49:40):
But when I reached out to Brandy, I didn't hear
back from her till two days after my birthday that
same year, and it pissed me off because it's may
I just lost the mother, the only one I did
know and struggled with in relationships. And then you waited
till July thirty, my brother to twenty eighth of July.
You had all this time to reach out to me

(50:00):
when I told you who I was, and you waited
till after my birthday. It's like, I don't even care
anymore at that point, I didn't care.

Speaker 2 (50:06):
Not to justify, but like you also have to remember,
birth parents go through trauma too, right, Like you just
living your life. You just live your life and the
child that you didn't even want to give.

Speaker 3 (50:18):
Up, right.

Speaker 1 (50:20):
Oh and then again you're like, shit, I don't are
they mad at me? Did they have a good life?

Speaker 2 (50:27):
Because when I reached out to my mom, it took
her like a couple of weeks too. And after I
asked her, she goes, Carlos, because I was scared because
they're human, Our parents are human beings too.

Speaker 1 (50:35):
She's like, I was scared. I was scared of what
had happened. Or maybe you were upset, or maybe you're
reaching out because something bad and it turns out horrible
things had happened.

Speaker 2 (50:43):
Right, So we also have to give some empathy to
these birth parents, especially the young ones, because it's not
like she was thirty years old and she's like, I
just don't want this child.

Speaker 1 (50:51):
She was literally a child herself.

Speaker 2 (50:53):
Yeah, she was a child herself, and that was probably
on her mind. You've been on her mind for years.
And the reason why sheld we out to you after
your birthday, because it always happens like that, is because
she never forgot your birthday, right, So you were probably
heavy on her heart.

Speaker 1 (51:07):
She was like, you know what I'm gonna do. I'm
gonna I want to reach out to my child. So
I can't speak for her, but that could be a.

Speaker 3 (51:13):
Well, thank you for being an advocate for her, because
just like I wanted the advocate all these years and
I finally have a community, it's like, I really still
want her to feel like she can talk to someone
or get through that. I understand. I think that's what
hurts me the most with everyone. I understand. I understand
my dad, I understand the boy that molest than me.
I understand all.

Speaker 1 (51:33):
I don't understand that. I don't, but I think a
lot of people who go through trauma. I think a
lot of people to go through trauma.

Speaker 2 (51:40):
We have a lot, we have a lot of higher
capability for empathy and sympathy.

Speaker 1 (51:45):
Right because my world has treated us so bad.

Speaker 3 (51:48):
And I would wish to other people.

Speaker 1 (51:50):
You weren't wish it. So you just like I want.
I know, I know you write me you you probably.

Speaker 4 (51:55):
Have some issues, and that's really what you gotta start
telling yourself, like, nah, fuck these bitches, fuck these like
the most compassionate person, like I will shut off my back,
I will listen to but then I have to be
like get mad again because.

Speaker 3 (52:12):
Because literally that's what saves us, That's what saved me,
you know, and me stand up to my dad this
year cutting off my biological mother for it's just temporary
unless it's permanent, you know, I hopefully hopefully it's not permanent.
But when I came to find her, I fed her
all this like I opened up, I opened up, I
told her everything. She broke down crying one night and
I was in his home. I was homeless, and I

(52:34):
was like in and out of his home, sleeping in
my car outside all this stuff because we couldn't get
along and I had to make decisions for my kids,
even to send them with their dad that didn't want
to do shit as a father to begin, like, he's
still at home with his parents. He doesn't have to
do anything. So I had to make him say, look, then,
my dad is toxic. I was like, look, you knew

(52:54):
this when you met me. Taking these kids till I
get on my feet, and then he It still was
a struggle, like I still had to be homeless with
my kids on and off, but that helped me finding
my mother, and by then I've had two kids. When
I was telling her what had happened to me when
we first started talking, it was just simply, I'm grateful.

(53:15):
I can't believe you know like I can. And I'll
try to find out more about my dad. I found
out I had two siblings in her care that had
passed away. They're still it's still not clear if it
was accident or they were murdered. So I don't really
trust her with some of the stuff I've learned along
the way because she's not very Let's just say, my
mama has a pet turtle, then she treats like a
real kid, and I'll be wondering about my baby's health

(53:36):
mental health.

Speaker 2 (53:37):
So listen, people mentally stop at the age that they
were first abuse and if they don't get any help
or have access to any help, she might just be
a twelve, thirteen, fourteen year old girl mentally.

Speaker 1 (53:51):
Wow, that's how my mother was her entire life.

Speaker 3 (53:54):
That don't makes sense.

Speaker 2 (53:55):
Even when she died at fifty, she still behaved in
her responses till issues were that of a twelve.

Speaker 1 (54:01):
Or thirteen year old.

Speaker 2 (54:03):
And here I am at twenty five, being like whoa
woman like you got to get your shit together?

Speaker 1 (54:08):
Like you can't. This is this is this is immature,
and you find yourself kind of almost parenting your parents
because especially if they've experienced trauma and they haven't worked
through it. Right.

Speaker 2 (54:19):
Once again, there's that, but you really you just like
that there are people and her child will always be
a part of them.

Speaker 1 (54:27):
Right, And unless you get healing.

Speaker 2 (54:28):
Which is why I talk I tell people talk about it, express,
don't don't hold it in right, because that's truly healing.
Trauma is not linear and you'll never completely heal from trauma.
But the more you speak about it, the more you
can just be okay with it, right, and you can
look at things differently, so you know, I agree with you.
She probably is just that twelve thirteen year old you

(54:49):
know who got person when aly young and had some
struggles growing up and then on top of having two
children die and I don't know what else happened in
her life, right, I had to learn from my mom,
Like I I thought, I was like, oh, my mom
was just I was youngest of four and she just
wanted to thought and bapa, hanging out on the streets.
And then when I reunified with her and I asked her,
I said, how was your childhood? She was like, my

(55:09):
mother was a severe alcoholic. She beat the crap out
of us. I was given to men like to pay
for drugs and beer.

Speaker 3 (55:17):
Oh my god, I hate those.

Speaker 1 (55:19):
And then she ended up in my mental hospital. She
was in foster care by like twelve fourteen. She had
her first kid at sixteen, whole lot. By the time
she was twenty one, she had four children.

Speaker 3 (55:30):
And you can understand hearing her background, damn right, it's like, damn, baby,
I need to hold you mm hmm. And I feel
that way for her even without the details, because I'm
really hurting from my other siblings you know, even the deceased.
I've got to speak with each of them. Some have
stories on the other ones that I didn't know, and
I made kind of stop talking to the ones that

(55:53):
violated the other ones. And then the one that wasn't,
the one that didn't do any violating, the one that's
left and in my mother's care. She's in her mid
twenties and she still lives with my mother, and it's
very you can tell it's very unstable. And she said
she wanted to move out of town with a boyfriend
or something. She didn't even tell me why she wanted.
She needed the money. She was it was like educational.
She's trying to do something better with her life, the

(56:14):
new job, and she let the boy part out. And
so here I am raising two children, coming out of poverty,
coming out of homelessness, and then knowing all this stuff,
and I'm thinking, well, they wouldn't ask me, if, you know,
knowing all I've been through and knowing how much I
care about, you know, starting a relationship with them. We
haven't even got to see each other. We've never met
in person yet, like I've known them for almost a

(56:35):
decade now to.

Speaker 1 (56:36):
This day, person yet my mother even trying to.

Speaker 2 (56:41):
As soon as I met them, I was at the door,
I said, I'll see you in about two weeks, three weeks,
because I just I'm a very much like I need
to confirm and see you in person.

Speaker 3 (56:50):
That's great, and that's why I feel I have not
met them in person. My mother said that she was
gonna move closer. Being from California and knowing my mother
conceived those two and my sister and one of my
deceased siblings, she can see them here across the bridge
in Indiana. So that kind of pisses me off. There
while I was still in California, you were thoughting you
were doing your thing, you know, and I'm hoping that

(57:12):
you know, you're getting your education and stuff. And so
she says to me, she's like, oh, well, I'm gonna
move closer at some point in two years into our relationship,
She's like, I'm gonna move closer to you and help
you out and be there for you. And she breaks
up with this guy that she's dating online and that's
no longer a thing. But I didn't know that, Like,
they keep a lot of stuff until I read the
context clues and do my own observation from over here.

(57:35):
My mother's still kind of a man crazy boy crazy.
It's a new boy reading.

Speaker 2 (57:39):
One thing that I'll say is that it took the
effort from me. None of my family came to see me.
I had to go see them. I had to drive
twenty six hours. And then after that, I flew my
mom to me every year for one month because after
the rest of the family, I was like, I loved
to see my siblings, but I wasn't. I wanted more
time with my mom because they had years with her

(58:00):
by herself. So I didn't want to go when I
visit Mom, I didn't want to have to split it
with all my siblings and nieces.

Speaker 1 (58:05):
And nephew, her friend, her boyfriend.

Speaker 2 (58:08):
So I told Mom, I said, hey, Mom, once a year,
I'm going to fly you. I will go home once
a year to see everybody, but then another time I'm
going to fly you out. And we did and that
was so that was so much better because she was
in my environment right, she was enviting. Oh, she got
to know your environment, and she got to know me
my life and my husband and my job and stuff.
Put out all of the other distractions of her regular life.

(58:30):
I my mom and my sister died in a car
accident in twenty eighteen, and I always encourage every adoptee
go see them, even if you got to take a loan,
just because humans are not guaranteed tomorrow. And the one thing,
even though you've connected, you haven't even heard her heart
beat in person yet. Right hugging your biological parent for

(58:51):
the first time after you haven't seen them in it's
something different.

Speaker 1 (58:54):
It's something different. I remember, I.

Speaker 3 (58:56):
Can't imagine I can't imagine your whole life, your whole night.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
First night when I go went there, it was late.

Speaker 2 (59:03):
We got there late, it was like eleven thirty, so
she had her bedroom set up, and I just kind
of went to sleep, like I hugged her, of course,
but I went I was so tired. I had just
drove from Florida to Michigan straight like twenty six hours.
So I was tired, and so I went to sleep.
But then I woke up early in the morning, and
I was like a little kid again, Like I woke
up confused, like where I'm at. And I was like, wait,

(59:23):
like Christmas morning, you're at your mom's house.

Speaker 1 (59:26):
So I creeped to her bedroom.

Speaker 2 (59:27):
She still she's there with her new husband, and I
just remember I was nineteen years old this time, I
like tap her like I tapped her, and she just
lifts up the cur like the covers. And then I
just as a grown man, I just slided to bed
with her and I laid my head on her chest,
and like everything as a kid that I've always just missed.
It was like in that moment, I was like, this
is what I was missing right here.

Speaker 1 (59:48):
And we didn't speak.

Speaker 2 (59:49):
I just laid here and I just listened to It
was the most beautiful thing. Our heartbeat literally matched, like
I her smell. I remembered it. I remembered her smell.
I remembered the heartbeat. I felt so safe.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
Everything that had happened before that, the foster care, the adoption,
none of that mattered. So my biggest advice.

Speaker 2 (01:00:06):
To you, no matter how hard it is, no matter
how difficult it.

Speaker 1 (01:00:09):
Is, to go see her, go see her. Will your
children also deserve to see what they do. That's their
only grandmother that they got right now, yeah, right past.

Speaker 3 (01:00:20):
It breaks my heart to think, like I've been sitting
here holding on to the idea that my kids are
the first biological family member. I got to see look
like me, think like have features that I've never seen
the same features on anyone else. And my thirteen year
old he's starting to get freckles. I'm like, oh my god,
like he really is my baby, holding them for the
first time and seeing them, like having that initial blood

(01:00:43):
relative for the first time. Oh my god. So I
can't imagine, like my own seed is one thing, but
my mother, the person I came out of. Oh my god,
you're right. She trying to get me to move to Alaska. No,
because it's like a.

Speaker 1 (01:00:56):
Whole you're moving to Alaska? Right?

Speaker 3 (01:01:01):
And then we have her. Her elder brother that helped
take care of her before she was started getting pregnant,
was in Las Vegas last time I checked, and he
has a house. He is my Cuban grandmother, the one
that they say acts like like she she's wonderful. She's
like the older version of me. The garden, she's mine,
her business. She love you, take care of your Fija.

(01:01:23):
And IRA's my girl.

Speaker 1 (01:01:25):
It's my girl.

Speaker 3 (01:01:26):
I haven't met her yet, but I will be. I
think that would be our meeting point. Is that home there,
and I know we'll need our separate time but I'm
not going to Alaska, so yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:01:35):
Yeah, thank you put that on your bucket list well
after we were at our time. And I do want
to thank you so much for sharing your story. As sporatic,
as crazy as it was, it made sense and I'm
so proud of you. I want you to know that
I'm so proud of you as a black woman, as
a black mother, thank you as an adoptee. I want
to ask you this, and I ask every guest this,

(01:01:56):
what is one thing, one piece of advice that you
would give black little girl who got adopted. What's one
piece of advice you would give her from your lift experience?

Speaker 3 (01:02:05):
I would say when I didn't have anyone else besides God,
like God was very important to me. My faith was
very important to me, even though I wasn't fully educated.
So stay, stay planted firmly into your faith, whatever that is,
and know that you'll be okay as long as you
focus on being you. I couldn't. I couldn't make anybody

(01:02:27):
happy being what they wanted me to be. I couldn't
make myself happy being someone else that it wasn't me.
But I had to learn who I was first to
even know me who I was. I had to know
who I was before I can love me. And so
you see a talent like pain, art, music, investing yourself
because no.

Speaker 1 (01:02:46):
One else willings.

Speaker 3 (01:02:48):
Yeah, I wanted a nice life.

Speaker 1 (01:02:50):
I've been looking at those the whole time. Those were beautiful.

Speaker 3 (01:02:54):
Thank you. When I'm in pain, I paint when i'm sad.
You know, anything going on, break up, whatever, bust one out.
But it's really helped me a lot to know that
I'm enough. I'm talented, and just because I don't know
what I'm talented in doesn't mean that I'm not important,
you know. And that's for adoptees and non adoptees. You
and love yourself, you know, I do what you can.

Speaker 1 (01:03:15):
Yeah, well that's great.

Speaker 2 (01:03:17):
If I say, girl, next time you paint and let
me know, because I want a peace I want to
custom piece, I'll buy it.

Speaker 1 (01:03:21):
I love art.

Speaker 2 (01:03:22):
I love art. I love custom art too. I love
custom art.

Speaker 3 (01:03:26):
Thank you. Oh wow, it's amazing.

Speaker 2 (01:03:31):
No, no, thank you so much for coming on the
Wars of the State podcast and being vulnerable. And I
know I push a little bit. I was pushing you
a little bit. I was like, come on, share. It's
hard to unpack. But it's a safe space and I
hope that you felt safe here. My hope absolutely continue
to share your story and continue to advocate for yourself.

Speaker 1 (01:03:50):
You're in a child and other children of in this
country that go through everything, and I want to remind
all the light shiners that no matter how dark life
life gets, just keep shining. This is what I say.

Speaker 2 (01:04:00):
Always shine your light because you can inspire someone just
by even if you're them, even if you're low, your
light still shines bright and a completely dark brow. So
keep shining, Lisa, Thank you. I can't wait when we
do our part two because I usually try to do
a follow up episode in a year or two, so
I can't wait to see like I've met my family,
we went to Vegas, I've met my Grandma's some way

(01:04:22):
to hear that story. But until then, I wish you
nothing for love and light and light shiners. Always shine
your light and we will see you guys next episode.

Speaker 1 (01:04:30):
By now, Hey you guys,