Ep: 76 "Dr. Cre"

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
Content warning. The Wards of the State podcast may contain
material that may be harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.
Listener discretion is advised. Hayli Shiners, Welcome back to another

(00:38):
enthralling episode of Wards of the State. We are counting up, y'all.
We're almost on our official one hundredth episode, and I
am so excited. This is three and a half years,
almost like four years in the making. We've been sharing
all of these stories, and I was talking to my
assistant the other day and I was just like, man, like,
we've had slowed down on people who want to share.

(00:58):
So before speaking of that, if you guys want to
share your story, make sure you guys send us an email.
There's a link in all of my social media bios. Also,
there's a link in the show notes here to sign
up for the show. We would love for you guys
to share. The show can only continue with more people
sharing their experiences. I kind of guess that's like a
dead end business model, like I can only continue to
go as long as people share. So if you guys

(01:20):
have been noticing we've been having like two weeks or
three weeks in between episodes, it's just because you know,
it's a holiday season, springtime, people getting outside and getting
ready for Eastern things like that. So we've kind of
slowed down a little bit. But if you guys send
more requests, we can definitely have our team go through
those requests and then we will have more episodes for you.
And if you have someone in mind that you think
would be great on the show, send it to them

(01:41):
as well. They may not know that they can share
their story. See yeah, speaking of that, and make sure
you guys are also leaving a one, two, three, four,
five star rating and review on Apple Podcasts, subscribing to
us on Spotify, and like I've been reminding you guys,
we're now live on YouTube, so every time I record,
you can actually watch the raw podcast live and the
video editions are also The edited to video editions also

(02:02):
go up the same day on YouTube. Other announcements, we
did have our first book tour guys in Las Vegas.
It was really great. We had some friends and family
fly out. We had the book tour. We were at
a little nice, little bookstore in Henderson, Nevada. We also
just spent the day. We went to a crab boil. Oh,
it was so good. We had a crab boil the team.

(02:24):
Carrie was there, Laura was there, my friend Zita, and
of course my husband came and then we went to
this bunch place on Sunday. It was absolutely amazing. So
the first stop I would say was successful. We didn't
have no books, but that's okay because most sometimes it's
just about getting the experiences. It's just about getting you experience.
And I didn't mind because it was it was Las

(02:45):
Vegas and we drove there from my house in Phoenix,
so I didn't have to invest too much money and
flights and stuff. But our next booking is going to
be in Portland, I believe May eleventh or tenth. Che
the check the bio, y'all. Can y'all show up please,
because I need you all to show up. Okay. We
have hundreds of thousands of listeners and I'm doing this
big book tour and I don't mind doing it. But

(03:06):
it's even free, you ain't even gotta pay. And then
we also have Seattle on May twelfth, so check the
links to my bio if you're in the Portland and
Seattle area. And last announcement is the both of my
memoirs are available everywhere books are sold. So my second book,
What Are the State of Barth The Adoption, officially launched
on Amazon on March twenty third. You guys can grab

(03:28):
the physical and the e book copy on Amazon, Barnes
and Nobles and any e reading devices And if you've
already read it, can y'all leave me some comments? Thank you,
thank you. I appreciate it. So those are all the housekeeping, guys.
I'm just there's so much going on and not a
lot going on. Everything like kind of came up and
then it kind of went down. So I'm kind of
happy because I'm tired, but we're going to continue with

(03:49):
this show. And speaking of the show, I'm excited to
introduce you guys to our next guest, doctor Creed. Hey,
doctor Creed, how are you?

Speaker 2 (03:55):
Good morning?

Speaker 1 (03:56):
Hello?

Speaker 2 (03:57):
I love your energy, Garlos.

Speaker 3 (03:58):
I am absolutely a big fans, so thank you for
having me.

Speaker 1 (04:02):
Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's why I listen.
I got my coffee. I got my coffee, and I
paid my bills. My bills are paid, so life is great. Okay,
I'm gonna pickle some I'm gonna pickle some of my
homegrown cucumbers. So oh so two years ago. So we
just got our house a year ago, and I was like, listen,
it's going down because I already knew. I already under

(04:23):
the prices, and I already learned through COVID. So during COVID,
we learned like how to plant and pickle and stuff.
But we lived in Seattle and it was like in
a condo, so we couldn't we didn't have space. But
now we have this huge backyard with a garden, and
we grow our potatoes, our tomatoes, our collar greens, our potatoes.
We got deal all types of herbs, meant and yeah,

(04:44):
so then we use those to pickle. And then we
just have a whole pantry just full of pickles and
pickled vegetables. And because when it goes down, I ain't
gonna have a lot of money, but I got some jars. Bar,
I'll bar, I'll give me, give me a chicken. I'll
give you two jars of pickles. Okay, there, listen. So
we unfortunately we moved into an ho way, so we

(05:07):
can't have chickens. But I was looking at the h
O way because you know, listen, I'm a foster child.
Never tell me no, okay, okay, tell me no, because
so in the in the hoa says we cannot have chickens,
and I'll say none but no quails, I wrote. I said, hey,

(05:27):
I'm gonna get some quells. Can can we reprove it?
And they're like, well, there's no In the they tried
to send me a section. I said, it says chickens listen.
I'm I usually don't, but this hoa they are. They
are if you had a weed sticking up, they'll send
you a picture and be like, that's seventy five dollars.

(05:50):
But no, it's really in the nice neighborhood. So I'm
I ain't gonna complain too much. That's why we picked it.
I was like, it's the ha. But we have a
really nice space, really nice house, really nice. But doctor Green,
enough about me, How are you listen?

Speaker 3 (06:00):
I am feeling amazing, have some great meetings this morning,
and I'm just happy to be here. And I was
saying earlier for those of you that are listening, I
just love your page, the information that we're receiving. And
I didn't know about the other side of foster care,
which is adoption, which is kind of the crown jewel.
What everyone is looking forward to please adopt me, you know,
take me out of the system. And so I have

(06:21):
just learned so much from you and the education, and
I'm like, listen, I think one day you had your
hair laid and I said, I have to be on
this show. Hey, I have an amazing story to tell
that I think would resonate with a lot of your listeners.
But b I am just a fan of you, and
I just love this energy and one of the things
that I really you know, at my foundation, my.

Speaker 2 (06:41):
Core is joy.

Speaker 3 (06:43):
And people always ask, you've been through so much, how
do you smile like this?

Speaker 1 (06:48):
Because what else can I go through? What else?

Speaker 3 (06:52):
I think you did a dance on one of your
Instagram videos, and I said, that's it right there. You're
gonna dance through the pain, You're gonna laugh through the hurt,
and you're gonna come out on the other side. And
you have turned your story into something that is triumphing
and strengthening and happy and joyful, and I vibe with that.
So I'm just so happy to be here with you
and be able to share my story and also to

(07:13):
sharing these laughs.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
This is right. No, So a lot of people don't
understand the hair so I literally didn't know how to
do my hair. My white parents just buzz cut it.
So the journey. If you actually look through on my
personal page, I have the life of Carlos and I
have like all of my hairstyles that I've had over
the last two years. And I don't really talk a
lot because it's still something that's like still personal to me.

(07:36):
But I do take care of my hair because it
was never taken care of and I had to learn
how to do It's like now that I know how
to do it and I know how to wrap it up.
Like the first time I got a silk press, I
cried in the mirror because it was it looked great,
and she explained She's like, you gotta comb it around,
and I was like okay, and I literally I literally
just sat there and I was like crying. I was
like trying to hold it and I was just bawling.

(07:57):
My husband's like, we'll figure it out. So he literally
had like four But then I learned the then I
learned the penning methods, and then and then I was
so now I'm just like but I think that's also
just like that's about adoption in Fostercare trauma. That was
something that I didn't learn as I needed as a child.
That literally like it was a part of me and
I should have learned that. But let's start off with

(08:19):
your story. How did you enter the external child went
for a system as a child.

Speaker 3 (08:25):
You know, officially, I have two brothers, so we entered
the foster care system when I think I was eleven
years old. But when I think about the stories, we
should have entered way before then. There was so much
violence in drug addiction and abuse that was happening that
no one knew about.

Speaker 1 (08:43):
Where are you from?

Speaker 3 (08:44):
So I'm from Los Angeles, California. Okay, I like my
parents are from Los Angeles, California. And you know, I
remember my one of my youngest memories is really of
one of violence, right, Like I witnessed my mother doing
crack cocaine and you know, didn't have the baby sitter
or someone to drop us off, so we're sitting there watching,
you know, what's going on. My father was very abusive.

(09:05):
He was an alcoholic, and so there was just a
lot of violence in the home. And so I was
actually quite surprised that it took us so long for
someone to find out what happened, and my brother had
gotten a beating really bad, and he had bruises all
over his body. And I talked a little bit about
this on my Instagram, and he had went to school
that day. One of the pe teachers, I guess he
was changing his clothes, saw that he had bruises all

(09:25):
over the body, and they showed up at our house
and they took all three of us and we never returned.
But honestly, it should have been it should have happened
years prior to that.

Speaker 1 (09:33):
It was.

Speaker 2 (09:33):
It was just really bad.

Speaker 3 (09:34):
So the things that I've seen, I mean, part of
our punishment was that he would my father specifically would
starve us, you know somebody. Yeah, if somebody acted up,
somebody did something he didn't like, we just wouldn't have
dinner for the day. And so I have a thing
around like food and security with children, and because you
just never know where they're coming from. I used to

(09:56):
run to school to get breakfast and made sure I
ate all of my lunch because I just wasn't sure
if we were going to have dinner in the evening.

Speaker 2 (10:02):
So yeah, so it was it was pretty traumatic.

Speaker 3 (10:05):
And sometimes when I think about the stories and all
the things that I went through.

Speaker 2 (10:10):
I'm just blessed to be here.

Speaker 1 (10:13):
No, absolutely, And I think a lot of people don't
understand the connection between like food and security and child neglect,
and a lot of folks also, like you were sharing,
I don't know. I look back. I like how you
said when you started off, like you should have been
removed earlier, because when I look back at my story,
I guess I should have too, Like literally, my mom
shouldn't even have children, like she was a foster child herself.

(10:37):
She was definitely too young to have four kids under
twenty one. But then I look back on my store,
I'm like, yeah, man, like that definitely should have happened
a lot like earlier. Do you think that with addiction, right,
especially in large cities like LA and Detroit, we understand,
especially in this eighties or eighties and nineties, the war

(10:58):
on drugs? You know, do you do you think that
if we had offered resources to our parents who are
going through that, do you think that that would have
made any difference and us going into the system or
what is your opinion on that? Because I feel like
a lot of pit folks when we talk about our experiences,
especially with our birth parents are like, oh, they were crackheads,
but why were they crackheads? Right?

Speaker 3 (11:18):
That's a great question, one that I've never really given
a lot of thought of. So I'm just going to
riff a little bit. When I was much younger, my
mom was a loving mom. She was there, she had
a job, she was a bus driver, She went to
work right like, she was a terrific, wonderful mother.

Speaker 2 (11:36):
And she got a hold of.

Speaker 3 (11:38):
Crack cocaine somewhere another that the rumors are out there
about how it happened, and things started slowly doing them.
You know, she didn't have a job anymore, she stopped
going to work, and then it became a lifestyle, right,
It became a blackstyle. Who was she hanging out with?
Who was the company that we were keeping. We moved
several times during that time, and again I'm not sure
about why we moved or what happened, but thinking back,

(12:00):
there must have been some situations that had us moving
as often as we did. My mom comes from a
good family. It comes from a really good family where
there were interventions, and I think the lifestyle held on
tur so strongly because she was seeking something else that
was prior to my existence. She was seeking acceptance, she

(12:20):
was seeking love, she was seeking to numb the pain
that existed far beyond me before.

Speaker 1 (12:25):
It's so funny that you said that because our stories
like flipped. My dad it's more like your mom's story
where he came from a great family. My dad's side
like they were old school motown. My grandfather worked at
Ford his whole life, like traditional story. Right. My dad
was raised in a nice, middle class black home with
like four siblings. He had a set of twin sisters,
but he just chose the streets where he met my mom,

(12:48):
who came from like a bad household, right, And it's
just like why did you why did you choose that lifestyle?
But it's like you said, it grabs hold of people,
especially I feel in the eighties and nineties when then
we had rap, we had we had more technology, more
ways to communicate, and I think that that kind of
exasperated these people wanted to live that life, right, But

(13:09):
what they didn't see is and this is what I
think that it is our jobs as millennials that we
have the opportunity to kind of break that generational curse
of like bitcha, I'm not going to do listen, y'all
have normal lives until you started doing drugs. So we stay.

Speaker 3 (13:24):
Far away from it because what I think is that
there's addiction in our DNA. Absolutely, both my mother and
father were addicted, and so I always say I have
an addictive personality, right, whether it's music, I will listen
to one song twenty seven times.

Speaker 2 (13:38):
Right, and you can't tell me that it's not the
best song ever.

Speaker 3 (13:41):
And so I stay so far away from anything that
could cause harm to my life because I don't want
to fall victim to.

Speaker 1 (13:49):
I'll be honest. Our last year of college, my last
year of college, I said it was the last semester.
I was like, I can got through college and I
did my job. I said, I want to try everything,
not everything, well nothing with it, nothing with needles, but
like because all my like nothing with needles. I knew
I wasn't that crazy. We're not adventurous. I'm avengers. Ain't
that adventurous. And what I recognize is that my front

(14:12):
we would just do like glow or like any other
you know, regular like club drug and they would be
high and I'd be like, I don't feel nothing, and
then I would have to like do like four times,
and I was like, oh, and that's why I was like, see,
this is how they got trapped into it. And I
do believe that addiction is generational because my great grandmother

(14:32):
has alcohol addiction, drug addiction, grandmother, my mother, my like
on both sides, right, well, not on both sides. On
my dad's side don't really have addictions, but my mom's
side does. So it is something in that year I learned.
What I learned is that it doesn't add more fun,
It really don't. It actually has more problems because then
you got people peeing and vomiting and all this other
stuff and your cause and you just bought your Mercedes

(14:53):
and this girl I had just bought my Mercedes and
my friend he on my seat in the McDonald's line,
and I was u but it was my fault. It
was my fault. But I just think it's something about
acknowledging because my siblings also went through the same thing,
and my sister died of her addiction and she took
my mother with her. Right, So it's like, if you

(15:15):
know this about yourself and your family history, you should
stay very far away from it. And I kind of
want to talk to you as a doctor because I
just did. I don't know if you saw my speech
at the naah it not the NACP. Yeah, National Academy
of Child and Analysts and Psychiatry. Yes, I did a
keynote there and I talked about psychologist over prescribing medications

(15:38):
to foster youth and how that has an effect because honestly,
I was on adderall respit, all riddling, rebute, and all
at the same time. As an adult, I'm like, girl,
that's math, Like they had you hoped up. So I
was like, it now makes sense that in college, I'm like,
I have a high tolerance. You've been doing upbers, You're

(15:59):
a whole show upwards, lowers, all types of all all
of them right, And this has a long time mental effect.
It also has like an effect on job career opportunities
in the future. And we still don't know the long
term effects of all of these. So I think it's
important for us to talk about addiction as we're having

(16:20):
these conversations. So you and your family went into foster care.
Did they keep your siblings? And there was three of
you or four of you?

Speaker 3 (16:27):
There were three, So I'm in the middle, the only girl.
I have two brothers an older brother and a younger brother.
My older brother actually passed away from addiction last year
in June, So this is very recent and very fresh,
and we just took two very different paths, and so
I'm sure we'll chat about that.

Speaker 2 (16:46):
So there's there's three of us total.

Speaker 1 (16:48):
And when you entered the foster care systems, you guys
stay together or did they separate you guys?

Speaker 2 (16:52):
For the most part, we stayed together.

Speaker 1 (16:54):
That's good.

Speaker 2 (16:55):
Yeah, it is good.

Speaker 3 (16:56):
Well, my little brother was much smaller than I was.
I was about eleven. He must have been five or six,
and I just let my baby go. Yeah, I mean,
you know, that's all you knew, and I would not
let him go. And my older brother, you know, he
had behavioral issues. And so they kept us together for
the first two placements and then he went off to

(17:17):
a separate home.

Speaker 2 (17:17):
But then family stuff was happening.

Speaker 3 (17:20):
My grandmother had my uncle was living in a property
under my grandmother's name, and she said, you better take
my babies, because you know, you had to have enough
space for every child to have a bed in order
to be.

Speaker 2 (17:33):
Considered right, like a viable living space.

Speaker 3 (17:35):
And if you were in opposite sex, you had to
have a separate room.

Speaker 2 (17:39):
Then you're so it makes it really challenging because we're three.

Speaker 1 (17:42):
And then they don't offer and then they don't offer
kinship anything. If well, some states have started offering them,
like a fourth or half of what they offer foster parents,
but most states don't offer anything. They're just.

Speaker 3 (17:54):
Right, yeah, well we you know, our kinship care. They
got something, but we didn't. We didn't see it, you know,
we see any of that. And so I remember the
visits from the social workers and coming over and saying,
is you know, is everything? Okay, it was everything, but
it was a fifteen minute check in and half the
time we were lying, right, And.

Speaker 2 (18:13):
I mean, I'm just gonna be honest, because.

Speaker 3 (18:15):
The living circumstances where we were were not ideal. We
weren't being cared for in a way that felt very loving,
and so we would find ourselves back at our grandmother's
house is sleeping on the floor for years and on
the couch for years because we just felt more comfortable there.

Speaker 1 (18:31):
Where your mom and dad during all of this happened,
did they were they trying to work their family plan?
They were just out on the streets.

Speaker 3 (18:40):
My mom was in the street, so let me just
tell you the quick story, and you're gonna just it's
so many things. So my father was extremely abusive. I
call this story like the Great Escape. He was on
something and he was like the whole I mean, he
threw somebody out the window. I just remember seeing all
this as a kid. We locked ourselves in a room
and we just didn't look up. He was in a
drunken stupord. My mom came back like throwing rocks at

(19:01):
my window, right, So she's like, you gotta get out
the house. So I scoop up my little brother, who
is a baby at the time, I mean in a crib, right,
and I tell my older brother and we sneak out
the house, terrified because if my father woke up from
his drunken stupor, we would have been done for. So
we get out the house and I call that the
Great Escape. We got in a cab when we left,

(19:23):
went to a hotel room and we stayed there for
a couple of knife. My mom, I guess, got some
courage and called her mom and was like, hey, this
is situation. So we went to my grandmother's house after that.
Once we were safe and secure there, my mom went
on a bench. She was in and out of the
house for years, and my grandmother finally told me that.
She told her, you can't keep doing this. If you're

(19:44):
gonna come, if you're gonna stay, stay, but if you're
gonna go, you gotta go, because she was just in
and out. And so we stayed for my grandmother for
three or four years without anybody saying anything.

Speaker 1 (19:56):
My mom.

Speaker 3 (19:56):
Back in the day, you would write a little note
on a piece of paper saying, I give my mom,
you know, the ability to take care of my kids
and take care of what enrolled us in school, do
the medical stuff.

Speaker 1 (20:06):
Except you can still do that today. You can you
can still do that today. That's called a unregulated custody transfer.

Speaker 2 (20:13):
That's what happened.

Speaker 3 (20:13):
And it was on a piece of I remember reading it,
and you know, your heart just breaks that your mom
is like saying, I can't take care of them. So
we stayed with my grandmother, no questions asked. Odd story.
My dad started them dating my mom's uncle's ex wife. Anyways, wow, right,
started dating her and she had children, and so they were.

Speaker 2 (20:35):
At my dad's house hanging out and I'm like, hey,
what about us.

Speaker 3 (20:38):
Like you're taking care of these kids, my cousins whom
I love to death, right, I just love them. But
you're taking care of these kids, what about us? So
finally you came and picked us up. And there were
seven of us living in a one bedroom apartment in Inglewood.
We rotated, sleeping on the food time. Oh, I lived
out of a cardboard box for years.

Speaker 1 (20:56):
That sounds like are you familiar with the Jenkins family
on TikTok? Is this family of this black guy, this
black dad, and he has his white wife wife, they're
not married, and they have five kids in a one
bedroom apartment and the kids be sleeping in like the refrigerator.

Speaker 2 (21:17):
Just look them up on That's how it felt felt.

Speaker 3 (21:21):
And we would just rotate, you know, the girls to
sleep on the food town one night and the boys
was sleep on the food time.

Speaker 2 (21:25):
We made palettes. I mean I didn't have a bedroom
for years.

Speaker 3 (21:28):
I'd have a bed for many, many, many years. And
that's when a lot of the abuse happened. Right, my
mother was gone and my father was still drunk. You know,
the woman that he was dating, which is my by
marriage of some sort, was also on drugs. Right, still
in things from the house Christmas was gone.

Speaker 1 (21:46):
I mean there was Christmas was gone.

Speaker 2 (21:49):
Baby. We had Christmas the next day.

Speaker 3 (21:50):
The flours were gone. Dang, they were gone, pond right.
I remember one time she wanted some money and she
made me take back. But we would steal from Kmart.
Please don't come after me, Kaymart. We would still we
would find receipts in the market. Why do I notice
we would find receipts in the parking lot? Go find

(22:12):
those items?

Speaker 1 (22:13):
Yeah, why do we?

Speaker 2 (22:15):
Yep?

Speaker 1 (22:16):
Because it's technically.

Speaker 2 (22:20):
Yes, because we never bought those items.

Speaker 1 (22:23):
And I never took any items out the store either.

Speaker 2 (22:28):
But we were getting compensated for them. That is so funny.

Speaker 3 (22:31):
But why did I know that? Why did I know
how to be so savvy? And we did all of that,
and I've seen all that. I witnessed all that, and
I'm part of all of that. So that's when a
lot of the abuse happened within those couple of years,
where there were you know, spankings and beatings and all
kinds of things happening.

Speaker 2 (22:46):
And that's when we officially got taken.

Speaker 1 (22:48):
Listen, that savviness that salbinist comes to handle when you
when you hit rough times. One thing that I use
from my childhood. My mom would always do is she
would call the fast food places and make a complaint
and she would similar things. She would she would go
and find somebody's receipt at McDonald's and then be like, oh,
I just came in and I had a whatever was
on the receipt. She's like, I'm making a complaint, and
then they would write her name on a listen and

(23:09):
you just go in and you could if you could
eat every day, just pick a different restaurant and just
for me. And I used to when I was home
is I did that shoot And then I learned that
on the receipts, especially at Chick fil A, you could
just write down like five numbers and they'll give a
free Chick fil A Savage because it's so fun.

Speaker 3 (23:25):
Yeah, the pizza wasn't high or you know whatever, we
would get double or whatever. It is.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
The hoods, the hood hacks of struggle. So you guys
go through all of this and then you can enter
foster care. And I'm assuming you said your parents didn't
even do their parental plans so well, my mom.

Speaker 2 (23:42):
Was like, m I a like, couldn't even find her.

Speaker 3 (23:44):
There were times when we were driving and there might
have been a sighting, you know, in several years. And
the only time I saw her after that, mind you,
she probably left when.

Speaker 1 (23:53):
I was like nine.

Speaker 3 (23:54):
The only time I saw her after that when I
was like maybe fourteen or fifteen, and she had.

Speaker 2 (23:57):
Medical scare and she came to the house.

Speaker 3 (24:00):
At that point, my grandmother had custody of us and
we were living in Orange County, really nice.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
Ritzy area. Nobody knew what we were going through.

Speaker 3 (24:06):
She was gifted a home halloweenja right that could you know,
hold all of us?

Speaker 2 (24:11):
And she came over because she had this medical scare.

Speaker 3 (24:14):
And I remember I had an attitude, you know, where
have you been?

Speaker 2 (24:17):
Who are you? And that fine?

Speaker 3 (24:18):
I'm growing up as a woman and I need I
need my mom and I just remember she said that
she would be here.

Speaker 2 (24:24):
After school, and she she left. I didn't see her again.

Speaker 3 (24:28):
I didn't hear from her again until she wrote me
a letter of my junior year in college that.

Speaker 1 (24:32):
When she was in prison. That is that where she
is now still in prison.

Speaker 2 (24:37):
No, she's passed. She passed. She passed the week before
I had my oldest son.

Speaker 3 (24:41):
Oh wow, I mean the story is so it means
I think I made a comment on one of your
posts about that it's like you finally get this, you know,
kind of opportunity to develop a relationship, and she was
so excited for it.

Speaker 2 (24:54):
So like, how was I as a baby? How was
I was a child?

Speaker 3 (24:57):
You know?

Speaker 2 (24:57):
Did you love me? You know? And all the things.

Speaker 3 (25:00):
She was excited to be a grandmother and that was
just stripped away from me a.

Speaker 2 (25:03):
Week before my baby boy was born.

Speaker 3 (25:06):
So that is still something that I'm dealing with because
I'm like, why is that the case?

Speaker 2 (25:09):
This was her.

Speaker 3 (25:10):
Redemption, you know, this was my opportunity to connect and
she was super super excited about it.

Speaker 1 (25:15):
So that always happens. They did like the same thing
with my mom. I think that was on a post.
I was just like she just got her life, Like
she had literally just got her life together. Like I
was so proud of her, Like she had two jobs,
she had gotten her ged. She was dating this guy
that was like he's pretty okay. He was just like
old and just worked, and I was like, cool, she
had her own place, and I was so proud of her.

(25:38):
I was so proud of I was like, how are
you just gonna turn around and die just.

Speaker 3 (25:45):
Right? Right, And I remember she didn't come to my
baby shower, and I was upset.

Speaker 2 (25:49):
I'm like, I don't.

Speaker 3 (25:51):
Ask much of you, I just want you to She
didn't come my baby shower, and she sent me a
box and it had a stuffed animal in it. And
when I went to foster care, like the stuffed animals
was like a thing for me because they say, grab
what you can, put it in a backpack, and you're
leaving your home everything that I had known, so you
take all this stuff. I had three or four stuffed
animals in my backpack, not a pair of draws, nothing,
you know, just that.

Speaker 2 (26:12):
But I had my stuffies, you know.

Speaker 3 (26:15):
So when she sent me the stuffed animals, she it
was kind of a remembrance that I had this this
love at one point in time.

Speaker 2 (26:22):
And she also before she passed, her roommate.

Speaker 3 (26:27):
Said she was so excited about, you know, your baby,
and she said that she saw.

Speaker 2 (26:31):
Him in your dreams.

Speaker 1 (26:32):
And that day she went.

Speaker 3 (26:34):
Out and purchased, you know, some things for the baby,
and the next day she was gone. So I believe
they probably crossed paths, you know, on his way here
and on her way out. So yeah, and then you know,
my dad, who was really responsible for, like the physical emotion,
all the abuse. I'm like, he's still kicking it, you know.
And people think they think I'm trying to be funny,

(26:54):
but I'm like, no, that man is evil.

Speaker 2 (26:56):
And the fact that he's still I was getting ready
to make it. I'm not making it. I was gonna say,
he's still walking around in this world, but he wasn't walking.
Both of his legs are amputated.

Speaker 1 (27:05):
Well, God don't like ugly.

Speaker 2 (27:07):
God don't like ugly, and you intimidated.

Speaker 1 (27:09):
Well, here's the thing here. I used to feel like
that because with my let me tell you my little story.
I reunited with my mom ten years before she died.
I was maybe like seven years before she died. My
dad was in prison. Didn't really care about him too much.
My mom's funeral, I get a tap on my shoulder.

(27:30):
I turned around my dad and I looked like Siamese Twins.
I turned around and I was like, hey, Dad, how
are you? He was like, hey, so, and I haven't
seen you in twenty years. That's my boy. Mind you.
I'm in front of my mom and my sister's coffins
and he goes, I have some people to introduce you
to and I said, oh, okay, I'm thinking like he
has a wife, maybe even a little baby. I see

(27:51):
a twelve year old my brother Beer, a ten year
old brother Josh. And then this little six year old
boy who looks just like me comes up and he's like, Hi,
my name's Carlos and I said, oh, my name is
Carlos too. I was like, what's your full name? Little man?
He tells me his full name. I was a junior

(28:12):
before I got adopted. Why didn't my father? I just
looked at my dad. I said, you was a trifling nigga.
You just raggedy. I said, how are you well? You know,
I mean you got adopted by them white folks. So
I had to pass a family name down to somebody
who was gonna stay with us. I said I couldn't even.

(28:32):
I couldn't even. So fathers are just raggedy. And I
was just like, why are you still here? But she
ain't why are you still here? But the thing is
my father. I do blame him a lot because he
was he was supposed like you're the man you're you
were supposed to be a man like man. I understand
you had to do some time, But like, you could

(28:53):
have got yourself a real job. You didn't have to
be hustling on the street. You know, you had a
girlfriend with four kids, one was yours and three weren't
the hell take your son and get the funk on
if you didn't want to, right, Like, I don't understand
that about specifically black men thinking that it's just because
they're not dating the woman that they just have to
abandon their children. That's that no, right, So I'm just like,

(29:18):
why are you still here? But then my thought process
in my healing process was my mom was taken and
I got the opportunity to see the healing. I got
my answer that for some reason, God said you got what,
you got what you needed, and you can heal from this.
My father needs to live this life and fucking hell
like he he needs to go through all the struggle. Yes,

(29:40):
he needs to go through all the struggle that he's
going through. He looks like Michael Jackson from Thriller, Like
he just just years of alcohol and drug us. Just
he swears to God he don't use drugs. I'm like, okay, buddy,
keep believing that. And so that's why I like, maybe
your dad is you're just the struggle just well, no,
he's passed.

Speaker 2 (30:02):
Bye.

Speaker 1 (30:02):
Oh well, you know I was hoping that he was
still here, just just so he could just keep struggling.

Speaker 3 (30:06):
He did suffer, He suffered quite a bit because at
first they took I think it was a tow, and
then it was afoot, and then it was both of
his legs. And can't nobody tell me I didn't do
what I was supposed to do?

Speaker 1 (30:21):
What did you do?

Speaker 2 (30:22):
Because my help?

Speaker 1 (30:24):
Oh hell now listen, oh hell, no better than me.

Speaker 2 (30:29):
Listen.

Speaker 3 (30:30):
And there are people out here who are better than me.
And so whenever somebody ever says like, well you weren't
if you heard half of the things that that man
did to me. And I still showed up when I
needed to and I did what I could. But when
he started I'm a grown woman name calling me, I
told when I told him my mom passed, oh yeah,

(30:50):
I heard that cow passed when I had my son, he.

Speaker 2 (30:54):
Was like, I thought you had a miscarriage. The man
was he my bull. But he came to my PSU
for my graduation from my doctorate.

Speaker 3 (31:05):
But he never showed his actual face to anybody because
he was in the wheelchair and apparently he was embarrassed,
and it was the first time he was ever like
vulnerable and said, I don't feel comfortable.

Speaker 2 (31:17):
And I'm thinking to myself because you intimidated people.

Speaker 3 (31:20):
You tormented people for years with your size.

Speaker 2 (31:24):
You hit women, you abuse children because you were big
and bad.

Speaker 3 (31:30):
And God took those legs from you and humbled you
and set you down in that wheelchair.

Speaker 2 (31:37):
And he lived like that for years.

Speaker 3 (31:40):
And when I would go to his apartment, I mean
my father used to dress I mean late. He was
prideful about his appearance, and his place was always meet.

Speaker 2 (31:51):
It was the opposite.

Speaker 3 (31:52):
It was the opposite of that during the latter years
of his life.

Speaker 2 (31:56):
And I said, and I in mind you, I went
through my own healing where.

Speaker 3 (31:59):
I forgave both of them right, because he's got his
own reasons for why he did what he did. But
what I wasn't going to do is allow him to
talk to me any kind of way, right, And so
our relationship. He never met my children. And he died
right before I moved to Dallas.

Speaker 1 (32:16):
He died.

Speaker 3 (32:18):
Listen to this, you know, I'm silly. He died a
month before. And my uncle's and aunts are like, well,
you gotta do something. No, I don't.

Speaker 2 (32:25):
I said, he's in the middle of my move.

Speaker 3 (32:27):
Nobody told her to be in the middle, always trying
to put the attention on himself.

Speaker 2 (32:32):
So I said, y'all deal with this.

Speaker 3 (32:33):
And nobody has any idea as to why I'm so
distant from you.

Speaker 1 (32:38):
As you were telling that story, you know why. I
was picturing that Tyler Perry movie, uh with the with
the husband who was beating his wife, and she was like,
would you like to get something to eat?

Speaker 2 (32:47):
That's it, that's it.

Speaker 1 (32:50):
You better call me Regina, Selina whatever, that Namelena.

Speaker 2 (32:53):
She's not here where she's not here because you need me.

Speaker 3 (32:59):
And I remember I was I was in grad school
and I was broke and he called me or something
and I was like, I could really use fifty dollars,
you know, to get some food.

Speaker 2 (33:07):
And he was like, okay, cool, I'm gonna send you
fifty dollars. I'm like, okay, great.

Speaker 3 (33:12):
Ten minutes later he calls me back because I ain't
send you know, goddamn money.

Speaker 2 (33:14):
You thought. Why talk about mind games?

Speaker 3 (33:20):
He would be in the hospital sometimes and be like,
I said, where are you right, Like let me come, Well,
you got to find me and Cli the.

Speaker 2 (33:28):
Man is sick.

Speaker 1 (33:29):
He sounds sick. So that seriously, So we have the
backstory with your with your mom and your dad. You
go through college, this whole time you're still with your grandparents.
So did you did you age out with your grandparents
under kinship care? No?

Speaker 2 (33:44):
See, I think kinship care stopped for us at eighteen.
I didn't. She didn't have any additional support that was grandmother.

Speaker 1 (33:51):
So you just turn eighteen and now you're just an adult. Yeah,
did your state California at that time didn't have any
kinship like support Now they do now they like once
you were even one day in foster care and California,
you just get the same qualifications as a kid who's
been into their whole life. So I think that that's
a great because there's people like you who like kind

(34:11):
of felt not saying that you fell through the gaps,
but you could have had a lot more, a lot
sooner if you had the resources like free college, free tuition,
housing access, food access right. Because people don't understand, Yeah,
your grandma kind of was y'all safety net, but she's
a grandmother with all of these children she's taking care of.
She doesn't have the resources to then support you. And
I truly believe that children need to be supported into

(34:33):
twenty five. I don't think the eighteen kickout thing. I
think that's really harmful to start on children because like
they can't even get a car, insurance, they can't get nothing.
Just give them some stability through college, and that's what
these stipends do. So how did you did you just
do old school like loans? Did you get scholarships? How
did you get make your way through college?

Speaker 3 (34:53):
So I was a go getter. I knew I had
a gift of it. I knew I was an excellent student.
So I that for me and I thank God for that.
So I used that to my advantage. And I always
said I wanted to go to college. So I remember
in eighth ninth grade, I started doing the research. What
does it take gathering applications with I don't want to
miss a deadline my social worker. Unfortunately I had several

(35:13):
social workers, because you know, they switched out like like
the days of the week, and nobody really had clear
information and I had to keep asking. I wanted to
get my license, but we couldn't afford too three hundred
dollars for a driver's ag class. I had to keep pushing, Hey,
can I get this money so I can get my license? Hey,
can you give me some information about college?

Speaker 2 (35:30):
What do you all do?

Speaker 3 (35:31):
Thankfully I did get connected with a beautiful organization called
Orange with a Children's Foundation in Orange County. They were
extremely helpful, so I was able to attend some of
their classes, and while I didn't find the information very useful,
I was able to gain bucks. And when I went
off to college, I had all these gift cards that
I could go and like buy things with. And my
grandmother did the absolute best that she could. But I
went to a really expensive private school, and I'm thankful

(35:54):
that I was ignorant. I am so thankful that I
was ignorant about financial aid because I would not have
selected that very expensive school, but ended up being the
best decisions.

Speaker 1 (36:02):
School for you. So one thing that you brought up
was the driver's license thing. A lot of folks don't
understand that. You know, even if you're a go getter,
you can only go so far, especially if you don't
have transportation, if you don't have good buzzing systems in
your city, right, And one of the things that One
of the solutions is folks, y'all know, y'all can volunteer
y'all's cars. I know it's a lot, but you can

(36:23):
volunteer your car. You can go. Most cities there's foster
care agencies, right, you can go, or even like the
fossil closets, they have programs where you can donate your
car for like an hour or two, or even if
you know a foster child, lend them your car. I
have a Toro. I have a toal fleet where I
have like three or four cars on Touro and we whenever.
We don't have any rentals. And if I know any

(36:45):
foster youth that needs to check drivers ahead, go ahead drive.
And I have like vovos and really secure cars. So
even if you can't even crash this car, it's going
to stop you even if you try. But I think
that people don't understand the access because if someone just
loans you a car for a day or two just
so you can take the testes or even like a
week or so just so you can learn, and then
you can have access to that to getting your actual license.

Speaker 3 (37:06):
I mean, think about the independence. Right, there's people and
you don't even have to be in foster care. But
just think of like low income, underserved areas where the
majority of the people around you don't drive. They rely
on public transportation, and now they've got uber. We didn't
have that back in the day. And so if you
don't have a reliable car, the car is not properly ensured.
You can't take your tests, right, if you've never been

(37:27):
behind the wheel for a consistent amount of time, you
can't you know, test to get your drivers because you
don't know what you're doing.

Speaker 2 (37:33):
And then you can't afford.

Speaker 3 (37:34):
Two three, four hundred dollars for a driver's education class.
Who's gonna get you there?

Speaker 1 (37:39):
You know.

Speaker 3 (37:40):
So there's all these barriers to getting your driver's license.
And so again I wasn't in the worst position. I
had my great aunt who would let me drive to
school every day and just got that experience behind the wheel.

Speaker 2 (37:51):
But it was still a hurdle to try to figure
you out.

Speaker 3 (37:53):
I've got to get my birth certificate, I've got to
do all of these things in order to obtain the
driver's license. And not everybody has the wherewithal to like
figure that piece out. There's multiple pieces, and that's just
one piece try to get into college right, figuring out
like how to fill out your FAST.

Speaker 1 (38:08):
See. You know, when I went to college, it was
so hard because I was technically adopted, but they probably
abandoned me at eight or sixteen. So when I was
eighteen in college, I had this lady at the financial
because I had applied for FAST, I had my pel grant.
I had even done like one student loan because I
was working three jobs. But to get myself out of homelessness.

(38:29):
As soon as I turned eighteen, I didn't have like
first class security. So I was like, I was like,
the smartest thing to do is to get an extra
student loan, pay off six months and nine months of
your rent. That way you just know you got a
home and you can focus on school. So that's what
I did every semester. So my loans were a little
bit higher for my degree. But now I look back
on it, I had to survive. I had to eat,

(38:50):
I had to have housing, and the college that I
went to, I didn't want to live at their student
housing and even they were charging, so I was like,
I might as well just go get an apartment. But
people don't understand, like I had this lady and faster,
but she was like, don't you know who your parents are?
Because I had to get a It's like a you
have to because you know what faster. You have to

(39:11):
have all your Firth certificate, so security number, your your parents,
tax I d I didn't have any of that. I
have my first security and I didn't have nothing. So
they have to give you a waiver. Then you have
to write all these affidavits and then you have to prove.
And this lady was like, I need you to prove
to me that you're homeless. You don't look homeless.

Speaker 2 (39:29):
Well, I don't look like what I've been through.

Speaker 1 (39:32):
Can I get an a man? She said, you don't
look home and I said, why would I look homeless
at school? And then she goes, what proved to me
you're homeless? I said, okay, come drive under this bridge.
To you, this is why.

Speaker 2 (39:48):
I do what I do. This is a perfect transition
to you know.

Speaker 3 (39:52):
When I first started being wanted to figure out what
I want to be in this world, I was like,
I'm going to be an attorney because I want to
give voice to the to the voiceless ldren who were
going through similar circumstances.

Speaker 2 (40:02):
I hated law didn't like it.

Speaker 3 (40:03):
I moved on, but then I went and got my
master's were in nonprofit management because the one thing that
was really stable for me.

Speaker 2 (40:10):
It was like giving back. And I would think to myself,
I don't have a pot to pissen. I don't have anything,
you know. I've got some key family members that hold
me down. But I am not rich by any means.

Speaker 3 (40:21):
But I've got resources, I've got access, I've got good looks, holleluvi,
you know, I've got I could show up with talent,
you know. And so I gave up myself to people
that could help them.

Speaker 2 (40:33):
In their situations. And I just ran with that and
I got the money with it ever since.

Speaker 3 (40:37):
And so once I got my master's in nonprofit management,
I went on to give my PGA and education because
everything that came back to me was that education was
the catalyst.

Speaker 2 (40:46):
Right. It helped me to change my life, not because
I felt like.

Speaker 1 (40:49):
I knew more.

Speaker 2 (40:50):
It put me in room with people who were hearing
me this all and love me. Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 3 (40:57):
It's not about learning the excels, read sheets and I
mean all that stuff is great, but it's about the networks.

Speaker 2 (41:05):
It's about the people.

Speaker 3 (41:06):
It's about I've got five six moms running around in
this world that I call.

Speaker 2 (41:10):
Mom because they have taken me again.

Speaker 3 (41:13):
And I thank God for having the wherewith all to
open myself up to that kind of flow and to
not be so hard in by.

Speaker 2 (41:22):
So that's what college did for me.

Speaker 1 (41:23):
And here's the thing. So I got a little bachelor's degree,
I ain't got no doctorate. And here's the thing, I
appreciate people. I never have a doctorate unless they give me,
unless the school just makes me more like an honorary
because hell is not my thing. Like right, I have PTSD,
I have ADHD, Like I just cannot sit down and focus.
I could barely get to where I got. And I
was proud to her. I was like, just take what

(41:46):
you can. But when I always have imposter syndrome. Because now,
over the last ten years i've been doing this work,
I've been doing a lot of educator Like I educate
as much as I'm an educator, I educate myself. I
go to a different conference, is I read different books.
I'm and some of these books are kind of like
over my head. But then if I don't know something,
I'm always been the person if you don't know someone something,

(42:07):
find it out or find someone who does know. And
when I got when I did my last keynote in Seattle,
I was in there was five thousand doctors. Like everybody
got alphabets after their names, just like I don't even
ms RSP, ms RP, CDD, ABCD, They just g all

(42:29):
of these letters. I felt so intimidated, and I went
up there and I did like a thirty minute speech
and there was literally a line of doctors being like,
I did not know this, What is this real? Yep?
Can you send me a sort? And they and I
would say, wait, y'all are y'all are doctors? Like how
do y'all not? And I'm teaching you about psychology? How
do you not know? And then like Carlos, we can

(42:51):
only educate ourselves on what research gives us, and research
comes from statistics, and statistics comes from lift experience. This
is why you're important, because we're reading and we're educating
ourselves on y'all's experiences. So then we can use the
knowledge and then our own brains to kind of come
up with a system and a program to help the children.
So I was like, I've never thought of it. That way,

(43:12):
and like you said, like you don't have to have
all of the things to be successful. You just have
to know what you know and do what you do
and show up and then you enter these rooms where
you think that you haven't polished syns room, but in
fact you're the one with you're expert on this topic. Now,
if we were talking about like I want to because
I went to the conference, so I was invited to

(43:33):
every session. Some of them they were some smart people
over my head, over my but I was like, I
was like, wow, this is beautiful that they can even
listen to someone with lived experience and say, hey, this
is what we're learning from you and this is how
we're going to change it. So when we come back,
doctor Create, I want to talk about your ideas on

(43:55):
how we can have of practitioners and supportive adults design
programs that can meet youth in students and children in
external childcare where they are. And then we'll also have
some other follow up conversations. So we're going to take
a quick break like Shiner quick break Light Shiners, and
we'll be right back. Welcome back Light Shiners to the show.
Make sure you guys are leaving a one, two, three,
four five star waiting and review. We haven't had any

(44:17):
Apple podcast reviews in a while, so make sure you
guys are leaving those reviews. Also, make sure you're sharing
this with all your families and friends. And I know
that we are having an issue with the YouTube's live
as we're recording. We're going to figure that out, but
you can watch the recordings afterwards on YouTube. Share those
two comment on there. If you guys want to tech
family and friends on there as well, definitely do that.

(44:40):
And let's see any other updates, any other updates, y'all.
My books are for sale. I need. I've invested fifteen
thousand dollars on this second book. I've only made about
like three thousand backs, So y'all need to start a reading.
That's what I was going to say. Speaking of reading,
you guys can get the books for free. I'm going
to put you on a hustle. Okay, put you on
some game. You can get both books for free. All

(45:01):
you need is a library card. Okay, get your library card,
go to your local library and then request both books.
They will actually submit a request and then they were
purchased them from my publisher. So you can get them
and read them. And then also what's cool about that
is that they stay in your local library, so not
only can you enjoy it, but other people can enjoy
it and they can educate themselves on the foster care
and adoption system. I think it's just brilliant. It's a

(45:23):
brilliant idea. It's our tax dollars. We might as well
use them in a way that helps and the authors
like myself, So make sure you guys do that. And
without further ado, I do want to get back to
the conversation with doctor Cree. Doctor Cree had me on
the break just dialog and y'all better not call me ablest.
Y'all better not call me because I've been trying to
hide my lab every time. She's like, Daddy, no legs,

(45:47):
do not cancel me, y'all. So, doctor Cree, before the break,
we were talking about colpartictioner or practictioners in support of
adults can design programs and meet and support youth. What
kind of ideas do you think can that we need
to be thinking about in programs that we need to
be building from that, can you know, kind of be
a safety net for these children that needed Absolutely.

Speaker 3 (46:08):
I think about my own experiences and what carried me through. Right,
when I think about my experience versus my brother's experience,
for instance, grew up in the same home, experience similar trauma,
seeing very similar things, what was the difference for my
outcome versus his outcome?

Speaker 2 (46:28):
And I will say relationships.

Speaker 3 (46:31):
And you know, if I'm talking to youth, I will
say your openness and your willingness to create relationships, tend relationships.

Speaker 2 (46:41):
And open up about who you are.

Speaker 3 (46:43):
Not to be embarrassed by your circumstances, because that is
not it does not define you, right, those are your
parents' choices, right.

Speaker 1 (46:51):
So guyhood, what she says is clouds don't get fed.
That's what she's saying. Closed mouths. People don't get fed.
Talk to people, Talk.

Speaker 2 (47:00):
To people, ask, tell them what you need and what
you're going through.

Speaker 3 (47:03):
I had multiple people step in where my grandmother could
not right, and so I had one mom who would
take me home every day from school. And after a
while I would say, could you She said, if you
don't stop asking me this.

Speaker 1 (47:17):
Is and don't you always feel like like you owe them? Yep?
So I've similar you know what, and you just put
it in perspective for me, I've always said, people always
ask me, how did you survive and your siblings didn't?
And I always said, oh, because you know, I had people.
I had certain people. But what that was was relationship building.
I had built relationships and I never thought about it
that way. I had built successful relationships with people. And

(47:38):
the reason I didn't think about that is because my
whole time in being adopted, they tried to diagnose me
with RED I had read. I had read I didn't
have reacted attachment disorder. I just didn't want to attach
to you because you were crazy as fuck.

Speaker 2 (47:50):
I don't would you You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (47:53):
Right?

Speaker 3 (47:53):
But it's it's it's figuring out who are your people.
And I'm not saying tell your story to everybody. Everybody
does have to be in your business. But as a youth,
you have to be active in your seek. You have
to be active in finding those people that can give
you the emotional support, throw you a couple of dollars
every now and then, you know, or buy the things

(48:14):
that you need to feel normal as a teenager or
whatever the case is. And I would say for adults,
it's to be open. I always say when I design programs, right.
What your office looks like matters.

Speaker 2 (48:27):
I've got a PhD.

Speaker 3 (48:27):
You'll never see my degree on the wall because it
doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 (48:31):
We are leveling.

Speaker 3 (48:32):
When I design my office, my desk, my back isn't you.
There's not a desk between us. It is open. I
want to embrace you. I want to be with you
in space together. And those are the things that matter.
When I used to work in youth programs, the door
was always open, mister creature.

Speaker 2 (48:50):
Are you busy? Never? Let's have baby?

Speaker 3 (48:52):
You are always open. When those kids got out of school, baby,
I'm roaming. I'm roaming the floor.

Speaker 1 (48:57):
And you know, there's even deeper psychology preparing your space
to work with trauma. Because one thing that I noticed
that a lot of folks when I was a kid,
or even what I suggest to a lot of people
who work with kids now, I said, turn off. Especially
at schools, they have that horrendous overhead light. I was like,
you gotta turn them off because my eyes hurts. And

(49:18):
then also for me as a kid, it feels like
you're always in the spotlight. So when I'm trying to
when I'm trying to present something to you, or if
you're trying to help me be vulnerable. It's easier for
me to do it in a dim space because it
feels a little bit softer, It feels a little bit
more safe. Right, have like a little one of them
little fake fog machine things with a little roma on.
They have that going some metal, some little jazz, put

(49:40):
some ambiance because then like it really will help a child.
And also, like as you can see, for me, I'm
color reactive. My personality. If like my friend who are
beige friends, I hate going to their house. It's just
like there's no personality. I get depressed in there. You
come to my house, I got color everywhere. Every room
is a different color, different vibe, different thing because I

(50:01):
react to color. So your environment really does matter. So
I'm really great that you brought that up, and I
hope that the professionals are listening. Right, y'all need to
start putting some effort into your environments and where you're
trying to heal. If you don't have a healing environment,
how are you going to do any healing?

Speaker 2 (50:14):
And it's your modes of communication.

Speaker 3 (50:17):
So I used to have all these different ways where
folks can communicate how they're feeling. So whether it's a
whiteboard with markers there. They could just come by and
leave me a note. They were posted notes always on
my desk, so I would get cute little notes or
something like that from young people, or like a pin board.

Speaker 2 (50:32):
You know, you ever had a chalkboard where they had all.

Speaker 3 (50:35):
The magnets on it, where you can great sentences, so
you just know the vibe in your area, and you
always greet people by their name.

Speaker 2 (50:42):
You always greet people up.

Speaker 3 (50:43):
So tips that you can have to make your environment
much more welcoming for young people because you don't know
what they're going through. And the other piece of it
I was, don't assume I learn so much from my
young people. I learn so much from my youngie just
by asking the questions. And I always say, stay curious,
right because in order to make change. And I'll tell
you about one of my hardest students, and you know

(51:04):
I'm going to reach out to him after this.

Speaker 2 (51:06):
That baby didn't want to do nothing. You don't want
to do anything right.

Speaker 3 (51:09):
He would come and just like you know, I don't
want to do anything. I don't want to follow directions,
I don't want to do well in school. I need
to help my family whatever the case is, okay. And
one day I was like, hey, I need you to
go to you know, this particular classroom.

Speaker 2 (51:22):
I don't want to do that.

Speaker 3 (51:23):
And he was cussing me out, telling me every which
way I if you this, and you can't tell me
you know, yeah, bucked up.

Speaker 2 (51:30):
And all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 3 (51:31):
And he ran out and I followed him, and when.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
We got to a place that was safe, I hugged.

Speaker 4 (51:37):
Him and I didn't let go, and I told him
it's okay, that there's nothing you can do to me
today that will ever make me not like you.

Speaker 2 (51:47):
Or not love you. And so from that point on,
we changed our relationship.

Speaker 3 (51:52):
And I will say that you don't throw the actions
of Tuesday back at them on Wednesday. Wednesday's a brand
new day. You deal with it the moment, and when's
is a brand new day for us to show up
because we all make mistakes adults included the amount of.

Speaker 2 (52:06):
Times I'll say sorry to my children.

Speaker 1 (52:08):
Right.

Speaker 3 (52:08):
I want to be the example that saying I am sorry,
acknowledging you know, what do you say?

Speaker 1 (52:14):
I had this lady on Instagram. I don't know if
you follow me my Instagram. I started building my Instagram platform.
It was crazy, but I had this lady on Instagram
and she she's foster mom, and I was because I
teach about like I'm really, I'm a realist. I'm not
finn to sit here and be like, oh, foster care.
I'm like, you have to be a strong person to
foster traumatize children. It is hard. And that's why they're like, well,

(52:36):
what you don't you're against Fostercram'm like, no, I'm just
against people just doing it for the money and not
being prepared because they end up harming children further. So
this lady was like, we're talking about kicking children out
of your home and when is it appropriate? When it's not?
And she was like if they don't, if they don't
respect me, if they're rude, I'm kicking And for me,
I'm just like, you're in the wrong ball game. You
were playing the wrong sport if that's your expectation, because

(52:58):
that is what's need. These will disrespect you and it's
going to be over and over and over until you
start to build rapport with them so they know one
you don't play that, and two even if you try
to play that, I'm still gonna be here it is
a survival tactic to protect themselves, to push everyone away
because the people that they have tried to trust, starting

(53:19):
with their parents, have disappointed them. So if you understand
that you're just this random lady that my social worker
put me in the house with, I owe you nothing.
I owe you nothing, not respect. No, I don't. I'm
not gonna respect you. You're a home or your wishes.
And but what I can do is follow some rules.
Possibly right, I can have a conversation with you, and

(53:42):
if I do get, you know, difficult, which I probably
will as a child who's gone through trauma, I'm going
to need that person to be there with me. I
had my one of my last foster parents. Her name
was mss D and I remember she was kind of
like like you you're explaining like I used to kick
holes on the wall, just like boo. The lady was
the nicest lady from the first time I've been in
her home. I was just reacting from the other thirty
six homes I was in and also the my birth homes,

(54:05):
and I was trying to push her away because I
thought that she was too good, Like I was like,
this is too good to be true. She's lying. Watch me.
I'm gonna I'm gonna trick her up. I'm gonna trip
her up. All right, let's see you you really nice.
That lady was like, all right, Carlos, let's go to
home depot. She went, We went and had McDonald's. We had.

(54:26):
She taught me how to fix a wall, and she
was like, we'll just keep fixing walls. But then she
also said, but it's coming out of your lounges as well,
like I'm not I'm not paying for this, so you
do get your and I that was the biggest thing.
She gave us our money from Foster Care, like a
portion of it, and she would let us spend it
on toys, clothes, do rags, whatever we want it. But
then I started to connected like, oh, I'm not gonna
get what I want in the long run, and she's

(54:47):
not going to be mean, so stop trying to kind
of push her buttons. She's going to be She's was consistent.
It was consistent, and then I started to trust her.
And then I just knew, like, hey, she has my back,
and I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna follow her rule.
And that's where the respect and the room follow he
comes in right there.

Speaker 2 (55:03):
Relationship before rigor. That's it.

Speaker 3 (55:07):
I can't be a mentor to you can't teach you
like you're looking at me like who were you?

Speaker 2 (55:13):
Why am I listening to you? Why am I here?
I'm so upset.

Speaker 3 (55:16):
I'm that You've got to get break down all of
that before you can get to Okay, Now, how are
we gonna make this world a better place? How are
you going to contribute to the world. You have to
say no, I am here with you through it all.
They can then, and I love you. You may not always
like me, you may not like the decisions that I make,
You may all of those things, but I'm always gonna

(55:36):
love you and respect you.

Speaker 2 (55:38):
And that's what they have to feel before you can
do any of the other stuff.

Speaker 3 (55:42):
So if you're trying to focus on getting them to college,
it's not gonna happen unless you have a relationship. If
you're trying to give them to get a job to
do their chores, it's not happening until there's that respect
factor and they can trust you.

Speaker 1 (55:55):
The same thing goes for my niece was here for
about a year and her mom allowed her to be
sexually active at it very young age, like ten eleven.
So we got her at thirteen, and it was my
husband's very old school. He might be a gay black man,
but he's very like fifty six year old black pete preacher.
Poor girl. Like I was like, let her, let her
some booty shorts and a crop top. Every once in
a while he was like, either a crop top highwaisted, No,

(56:19):
I don't want to see no skin. I was like, bro,
like you, it ain't that serious. But then what I
understood what he was saying was he he wanted to
teach her some type of structure. So then she understood herself.
And I actually learned this because we were stopped one day.
We're at the good will looking for some clothes, and
this lady comes and she goes, do you need help?
To my niece, she goes, do you need help? And

(56:39):
my niece was like what my husband's like, don't talk
to her. Why are you talking to her mind or child?
And she was like, she's being trafficked by you. To
be fair, that was one of the days that my
husband just like gave up on arguing and was like,
wear what you want, and she was wearing like a
boos da with some short shorts and I was just
like it. But the thing was, we had been telling
her for weeks, like we want you to be in

(57:01):
control of your body. We want you to be in
control of what you wear. But you also have to
understand your young black woman's society will see you differently.
They would treat you differently, and your first impression is
your best, Like we're trying to teach you all the things.
And I also said, I said, and they also might
get the different you look wrong you, they might get
the different We got street walkers out here and y'all
looking similar, like they might get the wrong idea. So

(57:22):
when the police got called, we had to show them
our guardianship papers. Oh she called. She wouldn't even she
followed us to our car. She called the police and
told them that we were human trafficking, like she really
thought that she was saving a child. And the police
came and not only was like she she got taught
to lessons in one day, first lesson. That was her
first time interacting with police like that. And she saw
her uncle and I and she was like Uncle Carlo

(57:44):
was like, why did you why did you get so
respectful to him? I was like, because we were black
and we live in Arizona, you yes, because she knows me, like,
I'm very much like bitch. What I was like, No, yes, sir,
no sense, here's this h I said directly. I told her.
I was like, keep your hands out of your pocket,
look them directly in their eyes as to their correct questions.
Don't answer it. Don't give them no information they did
not ask you. Just answer you ask no questions or

(58:05):
if or look at me if you need something. And
that day the police talked to her and she was like,
you know, these are my uncles like this and that,
and they let us go and in the car she
was like, so I get what you guys were saying
about how I present myself. And after that day we
did not have one issue with her.

Speaker 2 (58:23):
It's going to be my best feature.

Speaker 1 (58:25):
And she learned, she learned, and then she respected that
because I think I'm kind of grateful because it would
have probably been more weeks and months of relationship building,
but that one interaction literally made her trust everything that
we were saying is at least about the closed stuff,
because she saw it. She saw the cause and effect
and what we were trying to prevent.

Speaker 3 (58:45):
And you don't throw it in her face. After that,
right after that, then you help them weave it together.

Speaker 1 (58:50):
So I do that. I would what I would do
is because I would say, all right, so you already
know that experience. So when we go shopping, she would like,
she would show me everything, and I was like, what
do you think would be a probe? And I left
it up to her and she would be like, yeah,
She's like, this is cute, but like only like in
the house cute or with family cute. I can't really.

Speaker 2 (59:10):
And I'm outside clothes and.

Speaker 1 (59:12):
She would show me and she'd learned and she she
was like, this is cute, but and then I also
And then once she started doing that, I was like,
now we got to look at She was like she
kept getting seen she and I was like, baby, don't
wast your money on that. Go we're drift shopping. Go
get you some old school clothes that are going to
be quality, right. And it was so much growth when
she would she would she would come home and she

(59:33):
was like, uncle, this is a house appropriate, this is
school appropriate, this is like go out with friends appropriate.
And every time afterwards, I would see your outfits in
the outfits that I would be like, eh, I would say, hey, love,
take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask
yourself if you feel comfortable and if you think that's appropriate.
If you think not, I would change my outfit. If
you think so, let's go. And there are days where

(59:53):
she would look at you like this is not appropriate
for where we're going, because I was like, yeah, girl,
we're going to a four star restaurant? Why are you?
But I couldn't I learned it. I couldn't just force
her to do it. It had to be her choice. Yes,
And that's why I like your teenagers. That's why I
like working with teenagers. Most people they don't want to
work with teenagers because they're hardened. They give you resistance,
right like they have it. They know everything we know, right, And.

Speaker 3 (01:00:16):
So the idea is that you show up in a
way and you give them options, you give them choices,
you talk it through. I'm designing a program right now
because I'm getting ready to do a tour of talks
with girls groups. And I remember it's called becoming Her.
I love that, And it's really about who how do

(01:00:38):
you want to feel when you walk into any room?

Speaker 1 (01:00:40):
Right?

Speaker 3 (01:00:40):
You were talking about the impost syndrome. How do you
feel when you want to walk into any room? How
do you want people to perceive you? How do you
want to speak? How do you want to look? How
do you want to feel? Envision that woman and every
day work towards being her right And it's that ideas
like and if you've never seen it, now you have
to seek it. I remember a friend and I shout

(01:01:03):
out to Lakeisha. We were in high school and we
were in ninth grade, didn't know anything, and her mother
is polished, and we were talking about the kind of
woman that we wanted.

Speaker 2 (01:01:11):
To wanted to be.

Speaker 3 (01:01:12):
We went to the library and got books how to
become an elegant woman. I mean it was just so,
it was funny and silly, but it was the start
of becoming her. I would see women that had a
certain kind of air when they walked into the room,
a certain kind of confidence, a certain kind of swag,
and I'm like, I like that. I like their humility.
I love really self spoken, like kind women because I

(01:01:33):
am not soft spoken at all, but I admire that
so much from other women who really are but can
still command a room. And so if I'm like looking
at you and you're talking like that, I am just
enamored by it. So I would pick these things from
women that I loved and enjoy and I became her right.
And so the woman that you see today was shy

(01:01:53):
when I was eight years old.

Speaker 2 (01:01:55):
You couldn't get me to say anything.

Speaker 1 (01:01:57):
Honey.

Speaker 3 (01:01:57):
I would read my book and I would do my
work and I would go sit down.

Speaker 2 (01:01:59):
I have a lot of friends. I still don't.

Speaker 3 (01:02:01):
I got enough friends, but I would just be so
closed off and quiet and to myself. And that is
not the woman I am today. Because I saw it
in people that they showed up with energy and they
would have this light about them. Shine your light, right,
And so that's what it was, and I built this
person that did you see before me? And people were like, well,
you shouldn't really be changing yourself, and I'm like, but

(01:02:22):
these are all things that I wanted to do. You
have to be intentional about your actions. You have to
be intentional about how you show up to places. So
I love that example. Sometimes you have to learn by
and you're there not to ridicule them. Well, I told
you you shouldn't have been walking around with them. Bluety
shorts on it's like, see, baby girl, don't you like
that response?

Speaker 1 (01:02:42):
Yep? And I didn't even after the police thing, we
didn't even say anything. I was like, what's lunch? And
she was expecting us to be like yelling, and I
was just like, what are we having for lunch? And
then after like ten minutes she was like, so, I
think I understand why because I didn't even know. I
wasn't even either you picked it up or you didn't
she picked. I was like, that's.

Speaker 2 (01:02:59):
Literally your face right.

Speaker 1 (01:03:01):
Absolutely.

Speaker 3 (01:03:02):
I love working with teens and young adults are right
on the edge of independence because that's the.

Speaker 1 (01:03:08):
Most important age. That's the most important age. Because sure,
everyone when you think of kids who need, everyone's thinking
the babies to toddlers deny and not saying that they don't,
but there are so many people that are for them
and have that concern for them. So many people don't
want to don't want to bother with teenagers, especially teenagers
that aren't related or have been through trauma or they
have to work a whole lot with right, And those

(01:03:30):
are the put to me. I'm like, those are the
people that are about to enter society like they're going
to be your neighbors, your employees like, and you like,
these are the kids that we need to prepare right here.
And I can understand the frustration, but they need us, like,
they really do need secure inspirational people that will that
will really take the time and listen to them. So
what other type of programs I know you were talking

(01:03:52):
about her her program of what other type of programs
or ideas can you give to adults working with external
childcare kids? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:04:00):
So you know my day job, I am a nonprofit
management consultant, right, and so I take these organizations. My
bread and butter is young people and youth organizations. But
I really work with any nonprofit. But if you're a
nonprofit organization that works with young people, it's a coming
in to make sure that your programs are in alignment.
Can you get funding for what it is that you
say you're gonna do? But like the young lady on

(01:04:22):
your comment and Instagram, I commented on that and I
said that I think that she was disgusting for you.
That was me, and so she needs training. She made
that situation about that child about her. Ain't nobody gonna
disrespect me. Nobody cares, Right, It's not about you in

(01:04:43):
the moment, And I don't think people understand that when
you foster, you were giving up of yourself. It's just
like your birth child, right, I'm not closing the doors
on my birth child. You can be disrespectful. I'm gonna
call you on. We're gonna come together, and we're gonna
fix the problem, and then we're going to go to
sleep and start again the next day and fight a
new fight. But how do you train adults support people

(01:05:06):
for young people who are whether they're in foster care
or underserved populations in general, there's a lot of people
who aren't formally in foster care who meet those support services.

Speaker 1 (01:05:15):
Well, the thing is what I've noticed because I work
with adoptive from foster parents, that's my bread and butter
is taking the bad ones and trying to give them education.
The one thing that I require when I work with
adoptive from foster parents is y'all have to unpack your
trauma first with a therapist. So before you come to me,
I can't train you on anything that you haven't healed
from your childhood. So you don't have to go see

(01:05:35):
a licensed therapists or psychologists yourself, work with them understand
your triggers, understand your past, and then you will be
able to start to understand and educate yourself on how
because like you can't, you don't know what you don't know.
So if you don't even know how to work with
your own triggers and trauma, how are you going to
teach a child how to work with theirs? And the

(01:05:55):
issue with that is a lot of folks who don't
realize is that how triggering is like? For me, when
my niece was here, it was so hard, and I
was so thankful that I had access to resources and
people and professionals because it was so hard seeing her
do the exact same behaviors as I did. It was
excruciating because I felt her on a level that I

(01:06:16):
even think my husband felt like she would the tantrums
that we would see. I understood why she was doing it,
but then as the adult who's trying to raise her,
I now have to figure out, like, hey, how do
I calm you down? How do how do I get
you to understand that this is not the correct way
to get your voice over, or to get your light
out right, or even your frustration. But it was really

(01:06:36):
really difficult seeing that so with foster parents, if you
haven't done your own trauma healing, a child will trigger you.
And I'm gonna be honest, of course, if a child
spits in your stats and say f you bitch and
kiss a hole in your wall, you know how much
patience because that's the type of things that are going
to happen, right punch your hose, slashing tires, breaking your
car window. These are the things that will happen. If

(01:06:57):
you have been raised in a household where your mama
beat the f out of you for even looking at
her wrong, Guess what you're gonna do. It will be
almost instinctly boom. You got to unpack that trauma from
your own childhood. Yeah right, Because I work with a
lot of parents are like, man, Carls, I don't even
mean it. I didn't even mean to hit them. I
was like, I know, girl, but you didn't unpack your trauma.

Speaker 3 (01:07:17):
And that's the thing is I think one of the
questions is why are you doing this in the first place,
Because a lot of people who want to foster it's
really about them, right.

Speaker 1 (01:07:25):
They hate it when I say that, but there's the
money in it.

Speaker 3 (01:07:29):
And it's also a personal you know, and the people
who put it on over in.

Speaker 1 (01:07:32):
The church, especially if they're religious, it's either money or
they're doing it for praise through community or church.

Speaker 3 (01:07:39):
That's what I've seen, their own selfish needs, I mean,
you know, and desires and wants, and not necessarily for
what the child needs, because you have to have space
to take care of that child.

Speaker 2 (01:07:50):
You've got to go to the doctor a million times.

Speaker 3 (01:07:52):
The system says, you got to take them to checkouts
every week, but also anticipate the claw from the school
m h. Anticipated and make sure you can't work a
regular nine to five or be on call when you
were dealing with people who are suffering in their own
bodies and.

Speaker 1 (01:08:08):
In their lives. And something that me and my husband
we were We benefit that we both work from home,
so that has been a blessing when my niece was here.
One thing that we saw that helped we showed up
as a team the entire time when school called multiple
times a week, guests who walked up there. Both of
us calm because we're going to give you the same
thing that we give you at home here at school,

(01:08:29):
and that's going to be support, right and it shows
consistency right, you're gonna hey, whatever you need, I'm gonna
be there. I'm going to be patient, and it's about
showing up. A lot of parents don't even want to
get a phone call, or you get in trouble just
for the phone call. No, the phone call is that
I'd rather have a phone call than have them say
she didn't hurt somebody, or somebody and hurt her or
something that happened. Phone calls are usually preventative for worse

(01:08:52):
or behavior than the future. And if you keep getting
phone calls, then that just means that you have to
keep doing a little bit of work and then work
with the school. A lot of folks also take as
down to the motherfucker schoolhouse because I'm tired of parents
not going down to the schoolhouse. Go down there. They
have resources the school.

Speaker 2 (01:09:08):
They're intimidated themselves.

Speaker 1 (01:09:11):
Listen, listen because our you remind me of Miss Jack.
That was my niece's school counselor. She She had her
PhD and my Scott's child psychology and she was so great.
Her office was just like you explained. It was big,
it was open, it was calm. She always had a
call me demeanor, even for me like she put me
in line. I was like, yes, miss Jack. She's like,
sit straight straight up, yes, this is Jack. And we

(01:09:33):
would go like twice a week, three times a week,
and there would be an issue, and she was always consistent,
she was always asking. And then the thing is she
was like, do y'all need any resources outside of school?
I have friends. She was like, we can give you
public and I'm kind of like, I don't want to
get into any type of like public resources because that
means you got to be part of a system. And
I'm really just trying to keep her out of that.
And she's like, no, Carls, I have girlfriends that I

(01:09:54):
went to school with, my sorority sisters or and everybody
got something, they got a program, a nonprofit agency. And
she's like, I have resources that are outside of this
public system. And so that's the key. Y'all have resources,
So go into the school and ask for resources, ask
them for help. It's okay to say, hey, I don't.
There are times where I was like, miss Jack, I
don't know what I'm doing and she's like, Carlos, you

(01:10:16):
do know what you're doing because you asked me that.
She's like, you ask people who don't who think that
they know what they're doing are the ones that actually
don't know what they're doing. It's the parent because I
never parented before. I got a thirteen year old girl
just dropped in my lap and I was like, I
don't even know if I'm doing any of this right.

Speaker 2 (01:10:31):
She's like, you guys are doing none of us. Do
you see those little cute boys mind me, none of
them knowing.

Speaker 1 (01:10:37):
All look out cute they are. I don't know. I
just feel like with parents though, like when y'all have them,
you just get like And that was another thing too.
I would talking to them as Jack's about I was like,
is it different when you raise them and you see
them that they look because it was so hard sometimes
that she's just sitting the fuck you don't go down?
And I was like, dang, I don't even have any
like good memories to pull back home. I tried to,

(01:10:58):
like go back when she was a Tala used to
be such an it's toddler. But I was asking, parent,
do you guys pull back on those emotional memories of like, man,
like I'm got a birth you and you grew up
and as they're getting older and getting more aggressive because
kids be kids. Do you pull back on them or
is it just the same, It's just like, hey, I
don't I'm gonna love you still regardless.

Speaker 3 (01:11:17):
Well, think about this, look at our own experiences. Our
own experiences meant that the drugs were more important than
our parents having a relationship with us. Right, no matter
how little and cute and phenomenal we were as babies,
there was life happening around them. And I always try
to remember that I am a whole person prior to
becoming a mom, Right, I have interests and desires and

(01:11:41):
likes and things that I'm interested in prior to being
a mother is just a sliver of who I am,
and I try to remember that. So yeah, no, I mean,
the boys make mistakes, and you know, I do all
that I can.

Speaker 2 (01:11:53):
I hope that they ate, they always feel loved.

Speaker 3 (01:11:56):
I want when I leave this world, I want them
to know that nobody loved them more.

Speaker 2 (01:12:00):
Because people will.

Speaker 3 (01:12:01):
Say, oh, you spoil them, and I'm like, I'm there,
who else in the world is going to do it?

Speaker 2 (01:12:05):
You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 (01:12:06):
But they're respectful, they work hard, Like what are the
character traits that you want to see in your children?
And the same thing with your niece, and now you're
just coming, you know, behind the curve because she's already developed.

Speaker 2 (01:12:18):
And at that age it's just a lot harder.

Speaker 3 (01:12:20):
They have opinions, they have thoughts, they have independence that
you can't control. If she wanted to walk out the house,
she could, right, I've only got a few more years
left before they start walking out.

Speaker 2 (01:12:30):
Of my house.

Speaker 3 (01:12:31):
But you have to make sure that you have equipped
them with good choices and decision making and a lot
of parents. And I'm no parent expert at all, but
if you don't teach them how to make choices when
they're three, four or five and six, how is.

Speaker 2 (01:12:44):
It supposed to turn on when they become fourteen, fifteen, sixteen?
Something as simple as what do you want.

Speaker 3 (01:12:51):
To take your bath before dinner or after dinner? They
got to think about it. If I take it before dinner,
I'm gonna be dirty, you know.

Speaker 1 (01:13:00):
You know the thing. So my niece grew up having
no structure, like zero mom didn't. She could do literally
anything she wanted. When she got here, she told us,
She's like, I really liked having a schedule. I really
like knowing what I'm going to do, Like I'm very
old because of my trauma. We know what we're gonna
eat all week Monday through Friday. I already have a
whole schedule of dinners, we have a whole family calendar

(01:13:22):
of appointments where we're going to be, what we're gonna do, adventures,
all of these things. And I was like, maybe is
this too much? First She's like, no, like uncle, I really,
I really really like it. But then there were times
where she she liked the structure of the schedule, but
she didn't like the structure of rules. She didn't like
so like she but she wanted a structure so bad.
And I think that that's something to say, like when

(01:13:43):
when they were young, when they're with children are younger,
and they don't get that structure, they don't get that guidance,
then one or two things can happen. They're going to
always try to seek that out, and if you don't
give it to them, they're going to seek it out
through with their friends, or through schools, or two gangs,
or through online weird groups. Right, that's why we have
a lot, especially right now now the adoption to red
pill pipeline is really weird. We're seeing a lot of

(01:14:06):
foster and adopted youth become you know, like the red pill.
Like the red pill guys, they're like the like they
hate women, they hate like there's a pipeline and I'm
just like, because they're looking for family and support, and
these people are offering family and support and you guys
are not. So we got to you have to offer
family support and consistency and structure in your homes because
otherwise these kids are gonna find it somewhere else. And

(01:14:26):
when I find it somewhere else, it's probably not gonna
be great.

Speaker 3 (01:14:30):
And it's not you know, kids, kids thrive in structured spaces, right,
that's clear. But I think of this as like a
leadership approach. As a leader, I want to accomplish certain
things in my team, at my workplace, at my home, whatever.

Speaker 2 (01:14:43):
These are things that need to be accomplished.

Speaker 3 (01:14:45):
But I'm going to give you the creative authorship to
do with it as you please, as long as we
arrive at what the expectations are. Because as teenagers, they
want to figure it out themselves. They don't want to
be told line by line what do I do and
how do I do? If they're being handheld like that
that's going to be crippling to them later on in life.

Speaker 2 (01:15:05):
This is the direction.

Speaker 3 (01:15:06):
I want you to have creative autonomy to get there. However,
you see fit, here are some boundaries, right, here's some
things to think about and to consider as you're designing
your plan and how you're going to That's how you
develop navigational skills and teenagers because when they become adults
they struggle with it.

Speaker 1 (01:15:24):
I also think that that's how you create conversations. So
one thing that I learned in one of my parenting
courses that I took but when I had my niece
was they said, don't overdo your rules. Make them simple.
So then even if it's like, well what if something's
not covered, she goes. Then that's how you can have
a conversation. So we have like three basic rules, wake
up on time, do your homework, no cursing and disrespecting.

(01:15:46):
Other than that, really no rules. So then she would
be like can I do this? And she's like is
this against rule? And I was like, well, no, that's
not against any of the rules, but do you think
that that's appropriate to do? So then it creates a conversation.
So just be because if I have to create rules
for everything. I'm not giving you any opportunities to make
any mistakes, to learn or even have a conversation. Right.

(01:16:06):
And then we taught her the biggest thing was negotiation.
That was a big word in our house. She will
want to do something, her uncle would say no, and
I would say did you negotiate with him? And she
was like, well, he said no, And I said, okay,
did you ask him if it's negotiable? And she's like no,
But if a no is a no, And I was like,
a no is just an answer, which is an answer.
But you can also say is there any room for negotiation?

(01:16:29):
And if he says no, then I was like, then
that's your final answer. Somebody say there's no room, but
most of the times there was room for negotiation. And
she would ask and he was like, yeah, we can negotiate.
And I think that's another thing. Yes, no, it's a
complete answer. But then teaching kids just straight know and
listen to my straight no. I also don't think that
that's always beneficial because you should always be questioning and

(01:16:50):
always be asking and always looking for a different alternative.

Speaker 3 (01:16:55):
My six year old will, I mean, I'm teaching it's
a lot for me to deal with, right, because he's
consistently talking and trying to figure out how to navigate
in his own little world. But those are skills that
are going to be valuable for him as he navigates
life by himself.

Speaker 1 (01:17:12):
That's right.

Speaker 2 (01:17:12):
It's like I want people think I'm just I tell him.

Speaker 3 (01:17:15):
I'm saying we were somewhere, Well, we are at Panara
bread the other day and he needed something and I said,
you see that gentleman with the hat, go ask him
for whatever you need. And he goes on over there.
So he's very comfortable with speaking with people. We don't
do that a lot with our young people. We either
do it for them because and then especially don't be
a savior. You know, Oh, I'm gonna.

Speaker 2 (01:17:34):
Get this kid that's been sued through so much. I'm
gonna do everything for them. That's not doing it. I mean,
that's crippling them.

Speaker 1 (01:17:40):
And that goes with everything everything right answers. People are crez.
They're like, are you crazy? Why would you open up
a bank account for thirteen year old? She had an
American Express Platinum car. And I was like, because I'm
teaching him and I want her to make a mistake
on that car, because I can actually show her how
this is going to work a couple.

Speaker 2 (01:17:56):
Of dollars on roadblocks and can go hurt nobody.

Speaker 1 (01:17:58):
She puts six and thirty t you got it, Carlos,
I did, but she working off that six one hundred
and thirty two. I said, Oh, you only get fifty
dollars a week on allowance, so you just ate up
about three months of allowance, or you can work it off. Yep.

Speaker 2 (01:18:13):
Those are natural consequences, right, and they have to learn.

Speaker 1 (01:18:16):
Then by no more. She was like, I'm putting myself
on a roadbucked budget. I said, that's idea, because.

Speaker 3 (01:18:22):
The children have to be able to make mistakes while
they have a safety net and a lot of times
false so you don't have a safety net. So those
mistakes that they make are detrimental to their lives and
they just find themselves in a whole unable to get
out of it.

Speaker 2 (01:18:35):
And then if you.

Speaker 5 (01:18:36):
Also cannot be resourceful, So we've got to give our
baby something, have them be resourceful, like do not coddle,
teach with love, correct with love, but you got to
give them the opportunities to figure out how they navigate
the world.

Speaker 3 (01:18:51):
How they see themselves in this world and how they
navigate it. So all of these things are a great conversation.
And again I'm not no parent expert. I'm going through
my own stuff for my own little ones.

Speaker 1 (01:19:01):
Nobody but anyone a parent expert, because there's no expertise
in parenting. Everybody needs to just doing what they can
and learning as they go and.

Speaker 2 (01:19:11):
In the same thing.

Speaker 3 (01:19:12):
And I would say that that would be my last
thing in regarding like teens, is that there are definitely
proven resources and tasks and things that we can do.

Speaker 1 (01:19:20):
But if you.

Speaker 3 (01:19:21):
Can't yourself, be humble and apologize for the mistakes that
you've made. There's been times I remember my baby she
came into the room late for a college prep class
that I was teaching of some sort, and I was like, oh,
look at the time, you know, I embarrassed her, and
so she stormed out and I had no idea why
she was. So she had a bad day, and my

(01:19:41):
comment that usually would have been taken as a very
playful comment was just like over over, just too much
for her to handle, right, And so that became an
opportunity for us to grow closer in our relationship because
I had to recognize that she came full from a
full day of school, right, and she had her own feelings,
and I had to apologize for stepping and not being

(01:20:02):
considerate of her feelings and how she felt in front
of her peers. So if you can't apologize to a
young person, to another person and show humility and that
we're in this together because I don't know everything, I
need you to teach me. I need you to set
your expectations and your boundaries for me as well, then
we can't build relationship before we get to the riggor

(01:20:23):
you happily be able to know that we're going to bounce.

Speaker 1 (01:20:25):
Back from and you really lead and teach by example.
So if you can't apologize, why would they ever you
didn't teach them the example, right you?

Speaker 2 (01:20:32):
Just if you don't say I love you, if you
don't hug them.

Speaker 1 (01:20:37):
It's like I see parents when they make a mistake,
they just get mad and they just like ignore it
or act like it didn't happen. And I'm like, no,
have a convers say hey, I messed up. I made
a mistake, like that was me and now let's go
get some ice cream. Tell you something, do something well,
Doctor Creed, Thank you so much for coming on. I
love your energy, I love your story. Thank you so
much for sharing your story and about your experience going

(01:21:00):
through kinship care and with your family. Now, there is
a question that I like to ask everyone at the
end of the show, and that question is what's one
piece of advice that you would give a child that
it's in a similar situation as you were, What's one
piece of advice you would give them.

Speaker 3 (01:21:12):
It always goes back to just being confident in who
you are and who you want to be, and don't.

Speaker 2 (01:21:22):
Find the people to support that vision. You can't do
it alone. No one in this world is successful alone.

Speaker 3 (01:21:30):
And so find your people, find your try find your support,
people who are going to lift you up when you
feel down, people who are going to hug you.

Speaker 2 (01:21:38):
Will need that support. So there may have been like
people have been.

Speaker 3 (01:21:43):
You know, the most important people in your life have
wronged you right, whether it's your mother or father, whoever
it was.

Speaker 2 (01:21:48):
But don't give up on everybody.

Speaker 3 (01:21:51):
Like I know that it's easier said than done, but
trust that there are good people out there who care
about you and want to do for you.

Speaker 2 (01:21:57):
You just have to find them.

Speaker 1 (01:21:59):
Absolutely. Trust but verify. Okay, don't do somebody trusting everybody.

Speaker 3 (01:22:04):
Don't just jump in, you know what, Test them, right,
give them a little bit of a If they say
I'm going to bring you a you know, a bag
of chips, you know the next day, okay, well did
they actually bring me a bag of chips?

Speaker 2 (01:22:15):
I care? You know, give them little test before you
really dive in. Go see them consistently and see how
they received.

Speaker 3 (01:22:21):
Do they save the road, do they make time for
you when you walk into their office or you pick
up the phone?

Speaker 1 (01:22:27):
Right?

Speaker 2 (01:22:27):
Those things mat And.

Speaker 1 (01:22:28):
I'm going to add on to her advice, s y'all
a little bit. I never do them. Add on, let
them know your standards and boundaries when you first meet them.
And I've learned as an adult making friends as an
adult that works so much better than me reacting to
something that you did that triggered me. When I meet friends,
I'm like, hey, guys, so I grew up in foster care.
Like you said before, it's okay to share. I grew
up in foster care and I was abandoned a lot.
I don't like people who know show can you give

(01:22:49):
me twenty four if we plan anything? I need twenty
four to forty eight hours and not a text. You
need to call me, so I need to hear your
voice otherwise we will have an issue. And because I'm
going to invest time and energy into this relationship, i'd
rather know now if that's something that you can.

Speaker 2 (01:23:03):
Do, Carlos, I love you know right now, love that.

Speaker 3 (01:23:07):
I need to do more of that because otherwise I
just want to I don't have any friends.

Speaker 1 (01:23:11):
Well that's what happened. I kept losing friends because I'm
just like with but I'm like, well, she doesn't know
that canceling on you is like the worst thing ever
in your world. Like my friends know, Like if you're
a friend of mine, you know, canceling being late, being late,
be thirty minutes late, be late in any early is
on time. On time is late, and if you're late,
the doors closed.

Speaker 2 (01:23:31):
Listen. I love I love people.

Speaker 3 (01:23:33):
I get energy for people, and I love it. But
I can't There's certain boundaries that I have and I.

Speaker 2 (01:23:39):
Like that approach.

Speaker 1 (01:23:40):
Tell them first, yep, tell me right. It's like kind
of date. It's like dating. I see building friendships like
dating you. You wouldn't you on that first date? I
like this. I don't like this. This is what my
expectation is. This is where I see my future with you.

Speaker 2 (01:23:54):
I'm looking for friends, right like, I'm looking for friends.
Are you available to be a friend.

Speaker 1 (01:24:00):
I'm not gonna waste my time. And then because I've
done so many great friendships over like two three years,
and turns out we didn't do the work, so a
little bitty a little bit then and imploded the whole
and I just waited three years, right.

Speaker 3 (01:24:12):
People all that were Carlos, Listen, this is a different
podcast because I don't have it.

Speaker 1 (01:24:17):
I don't want.

Speaker 2 (01:24:17):
I need it to be organic.

Speaker 3 (01:24:19):
Right, And so I will seek and I will make
myself available and I will create opportunites and if it
just doesn't jail, it doesn't jail, yeah, right, Like I
really wanted to be organic. And I always talk about authenticity.
If I have to show up as a different person
in or for you to receive me, that's not the
place I'm supposed to be exactly.

Speaker 1 (01:24:38):
But that's I think that's the beauty of it. If
that doesn't sound like you, and I've had friends be like, hey, listen, Carlos,
I'm late on. Like my best friend Zina, I met
her on this podcast. No, my best friend Zine. I
met her on episode what thirty. I met her literally
how I met you. She she just happens to live
in my city. So afterwards I was like, girl, you're
real cool, like and you live in Phoenix, Like, let's
kick it. So then we went and at first meeting,

(01:24:59):
I was like, yo, let's and like because we already
done the podcast, so she already knows my story. So
I was like, I don't like being abandoned. I don't like.
She's like, CRLs, I'm wont to let you know I'm
late all the time. I'm gonna be laid all the
time period. She goes, I'm gonna be my best with you,
but I'm late. And then we were in faranis like
two and a half years. She is late every time,
but she told me, and I had to accept it

(01:25:20):
or not right like, so it's called expectations and boundary.
She told me. She's like, listen, I understand you got
a problem with that, but I didn't have a problem
with being on time.

Speaker 2 (01:25:29):
And but you had to the thing.

Speaker 3 (01:25:31):
It gave you the opportunity to say I can deal
with that because you told me.

Speaker 2 (01:25:35):
And that's the other thing is I'm big on is
like integrity.

Speaker 3 (01:25:37):
Move with integrity, because I'm going to tell you I'm
going to be ten fifteen minutes late if we're going
out someplace.

Speaker 1 (01:25:43):
Now. She takes advantage of it. So her birthday was
a couple of weeks ago. She was getting a silk
press and I told her because I had got my
silk pressed that late when I had died, mind the date,
and I said, girl, you have her hairs twice as
long as mine. I said, get your done the day before.
They're not going to finish it on time the same day,
or she didn't listen to me. She got her started
the same day. We're on the way to the restaurant
and it's like one of these fancy restaurants to stay.

(01:26:04):
It was they had entrees. There were like one hundred
and fifty dollars just for like one list ate. It
was very fancy. They charge you if you don't show
up on time. So we're showing up. It was like,
I think the reservations like five o'clock. I'm getting there
like four forty four, four thirty five, four forty. She
calls me, she said, hey, Carlos, I know you're there,
I'm going to be an hour late.

Speaker 2 (01:26:23):
Not an hour, not an hour.

Speaker 1 (01:26:25):
She end up be in like forty five minutes later,
her own birthday party. But I knew, like I expected
that from her because she that's just who she is.
And she's like, I'm not where. I was like, put
your reservation. She's like, oh no, no, I already put your
name on my reservation because I knew you were going
to be there before me. I was like, oh, so
you already knew I was gonna beat you too through
the extend.

Speaker 3 (01:26:46):
Can you move that reservation up then you an hour
is a long time, But no, I appreciate that. You know,
relationships are work. Relationships are work. They don't just happen overnight.
You have to tend to them. You have to have
the energy for them. You have to you have to
nurture them. And so and that's the same thing for
young people is they have they too, have to show
up in a certain way in order if they want

(01:27:09):
to create their relationship with a car and a built.

Speaker 1 (01:27:11):
Absolutely well, doctor Creed, do you have any events going
on anything you want to promote social media? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:27:19):
So I have this wonderful Okay, this is a man
when I was a teenager and I was going to
do all my fields. I was fourteen and I read
this book, the Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul.

Speaker 1 (01:27:31):
Have you heard of it? Well, I've read, Well, they
have a whole series. I've read Chicken Noodle Soup for
the African American Soul. I've read that one.

Speaker 3 (01:27:38):
See I don't know if that one was out when
I was reading, but it was a teenage soul and
that book really just changed my life.

Speaker 2 (01:27:43):
It gave me perspective.

Speaker 3 (01:27:44):
So I'm doing a little bit of a spin on
that kind of energy, and I'm doing the book series
on African American stories.

Speaker 2 (01:27:52):
For girls in particular.

Speaker 3 (01:27:53):
So I am doing a project and I have a
call for contributors for the book project. So if you
can go to my Instagram at I am Doctor Creed
d r cr E, i am d r cr E
and you'll see a link in my bio for you
to contribute your story. Your story is too small. Any
story that really has changed your life, I've shared a
lot of them here today.

Speaker 2 (01:28:13):
Anything that has made you think differently, or walk differently,
or mood differently.

Speaker 3 (01:28:17):
What would you want to tell a younger version of yourself,
you know, if you could. And so that's what the
story project is all about, is the stories we bear,
the stories to tell, and so I want folks to
contribute to that. That's going to be super powerful for
a young girl, you know, ages nine to twenty one.
I'm doing a couple of different versions of it. It
always should be so dope.

Speaker 1 (01:28:36):
You should go back through the old episodes because most
of the people who are on the show, I have
their social media linked. Because there are some amazing women
who share their experiences and they've already comfortable with sharing
it and then they can now share it. So I
would go back through the old episodes and set follow
up with them because they have some amazing experiences and
it's like from positive and negative to like draw like

(01:28:57):
on inspiring to like just jaw dropping. So I love
this project. I love that idea.

Speaker 2 (01:29:02):
It's going to be so dope.

Speaker 3 (01:29:03):
I mean I thought of myself as a child being
very reflective of what was going on, and I don't
think everybody has been given that gift.

Speaker 2 (01:29:11):
So this is going to be a space.

Speaker 3 (01:29:13):
That gives you an opportunity to think about your own
experiences and maybe how they relate. So I'm really excited
about it, and hopefully you all will consider contributing her.

Speaker 1 (01:29:20):
I love that, Y'allso y'all heard her. What is the
webpled again?

Speaker 3 (01:29:24):
My website is www dot I Amdoctorcree dot com and
my instagram is I am doctor Free.

Speaker 1 (01:29:30):
Alrighty y'all make sure I will also put those in
the linkey captions of this show and also in all
the links when I posted on social media. So thank
you so much, doctor Creek for joining us and taking
to simeon sharing your light and energy and smile and
laughter with me. I had a lot of fun, y'all,
A lot of fun I have. I have. I got
some ideas too also if you need some help, because
you know, if you need some help on the publishing
in I got some connections, I got resources, I got

(01:29:51):
the Insider and the Insider info.

Speaker 2 (01:29:54):
Bets do it.

Speaker 1 (01:29:55):
No, listen, it's not easy. It's not easy publishing. But
even if you do, if you go through a publisher,
or if you do self publishing, or if you do
print on the man like, there's so many different options.
You just got to see all less best fits for you.
So I can definitely help you with that and I'm
excited to hear your book. I'm excited to.

Speaker 2 (01:30:12):
Hear this amazing.

Speaker 3 (01:30:13):
I've got so many ideas here that I'm working through,
so I disappreciate this space. I knew this was going
to be a blast, and you did not disappoint. So
thank you for.

Speaker 1 (01:30:22):
Having me my pleasure in light. Shiners. Like I say,
every week, go out there, shine your light because you
never know who you might inspire. You never know who
might see you on social media or pick up your
book or just talk to you on the street. Go
out there, shine your light, and you never know who
you could inspire and just be a little dim light
of inspiration for them. So, like I say, every week,
always shiner light and I'll talk to you guys next week. Awesome.

(01:30:43):
That was great, doctor Creed. I'm

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Ep: 76 "Dr. Cre"

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Ep: 76 "Dr. Cre"

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