June 30, 2025 • 53 mins
In this episode, Karlos Dillard interviews Diana Colon, who shares her harrowing journey from being born in Russia and living in orphanages to being adopted in America. Diana recounts her traumatic experiences in the orphanage, including abuse and neglect, and the challenges she faced in her adoptive home. Despite the struggles, Diana emphasizes the importance of resilience and healing, and she offers valuable advice for future adoptees. Her story is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the power of sharing one's narrative.
Takeaways
Diana's early life in Russia was marked by hardship and neglect. She faced unique challenges as the only black child in her orphanages. Diana experienced severe trauma and abuse during her time in the orphanage. Adoption brought new challenges, including cultural and language barriers. Diana struggled to communicate her past trauma to her adoptive family. Therapy was difficult for Diana as she couldn't open up about her experiences. Diana's relationship with her adoptive mother was complicated and strained. She found solace in her siblings, who provided support during tough times. Diana emphasizes the importance of sharing one's story for healing. She encourages future adoptees to seek understanding and support in their journeys.
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Takeaways
Diana's early life in Russia was marked by hardship and neglect. She faced unique challenges as the only black child in her orphanages. Diana experienced severe trauma and abuse during her time in the orphanage. Adoption brought new challenges, including cultural and language barriers. Diana struggled to communicate her past trauma to her adoptive family. Therapy was difficult for Diana as she couldn't open up about her experiences. Diana's relationship with her adoptive mother was complicated and strained. She found solace in her siblings, who provided support during tough times. Diana emphasizes the importance of sharing one's story for healing. She encourages future adoptees to seek understanding and support in their journeys.
Follow her on Tiktok
Watch the Video Podcast!
If you would like to be on the show, please fill out the form.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Content warning. The Wards of the State podcast may contain
material that may be harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.
Listener discretion is advised. Heyli Shanners, Welcome back to another
(00:37):
amazing episode of Wards of the State.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
We're back, We're back, We're back, and we are getting through. Guys,
we're getting so close to one hundred.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
I cannot wait until we have one hundred episodes and
podcast time. That's a long time, right, one hundred. Think
about it. Each episode is forty five minutes to an
hour on average. Some are a little bit longer, some
are a little bit shorter. But that means that we've
spent one hundred, almost one hundred hours uplift experience.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
That's crazy. You ain't getting that nowhere else.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
That's one hundred different stories, one hundred different hours for
foster parents, adopted parents, guardianship parents, anyone who's working excite
inside or alongside the child Wilfare system to get some
free education, because 'all, the podcast is free. It's free,
free nine to nine. That's the best price, free ninety nine.
So like always, make sure you guys are sharing the
podcast with your families and friends. Make sure you're following
(01:24):
us on Spotify and subscribing, and also make sure you
are listening on podcast Apple Podcasts and leaving us a one, two, three,
four five star rating and review.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
We haven't had a review, y'all since December. What's going on?
The views is there?
Speaker 1 (01:38):
The views is the We still getting ten to twenty
thousand downloads for episode What's going on?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Ten thousand of y'all listening? Ain't nobody got a review
for a brother? All right? Go ahead, pow us this
right now? Go ahead, pause it. I mean I am
even sharing this story.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Pause it, go ahead, pout leave a review. You left
it all right, now, we can go ahead. Our next
guest to join us is gonna be Miss Diana. Hi, Diana,
how are you doing today?
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Feld? How are you?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
I am fantastic. Diana's over there. Crack it up.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
I'm trying my best because my parents told me you
got to hold it together.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yes, yes, yeah, Well listen, I think we're gonna have
a lot of inspirational and an emotional journey today. So
let's start off with Hi. We might get real low
depending on how your story goes, but let's just start
from the top. Diana, how did you get into the
external childcare.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
System, so I have a different experience. I was born
in Russia, I believe it or not. I know a
lot of you guys don't believe me. But I was
born in Russia. But I ended up.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
In an orphanage in Russia ESS.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
So I jumped through different orphanages. I'm not sure exactly
how many, but it was at least twenty three orphanages.
But when I ended up in Russia, I was born there,
and my mom is ar Leaning and Russian. Then I
have an African father. I don't know anything about him.
I am just now getting information about my mom at
(03:10):
a thirty two, which is a hard pill to swallow.
But my life in Russia was really tough because I
was the only black child and all the orphanagess that
I live in, and being the only black child was
hard for me because the experiences I had to go
(03:31):
through were totally different compared to the other kids. For example,
people did not know how to take care of my
hand and I and the way my hair experience went
was very hurtful and it was homful to me and
to my mental space. So I would sit in between
(03:52):
the caregiver's legs on the floor with no cursing or anything,
and she would rip out my hair with a small
pisco something that's just coming out. But every time I
saw the comb and had like patches up hair. So
I had bald patches throughout my hair. I had a
little afro, and I was proud of it. But I
(04:14):
couldn't have that either, So it's like that my goodness. Yeah,
So when I was going through that haircare, it was
happening every week before that's this didn't make sense because
they weren't wrapping my hair and I wasn't understanding why
I had to get my hair with out of myself
before beds because we're not going anywhere, we're going to tweets.
(04:34):
But then at the same time, I look at it
right now and it's like, it's a bittersweet moment for
me because it was a way for me to stay
away from older kids that were bigger than me. So
it was a way of you to be kind of safe.
But not exactly because when I was with the caregivers
(04:55):
the other kids, we were in a playroom and they
were about thirty to forty kids in the small room
watching black and white t beat When I was in
a corner and stating by.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Myself and what ye what year was this?
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Hey? It was great my understanding, I remember my life
sixteen anywhere, because seven and now before seven and now
I did not remember anything at all. I'm hoping that
I was treated okay in the previous time. But yeah,
(05:29):
so I was going through that every night before bed.
They don't know why, but it was a way like
for me to stay away from the WS that was
expending with older kids in the orphanage. The older kids
somehow got the authority of taking care of the little kids,
which doesn't make sense. And with me being taken a
care of by the older kids, I wasn't doing a
(05:52):
second care. I was being abuse surgically, sexually mentally. Like
there were times where they would drag me fro my
bug that night and rapping and sheep and dragged me
to the room to just amuse me. There were times
where like they were strictly naked and they we're gonna
start hitting me with objects like two brand hus, their chees,
(06:14):
their had For some reasons, I believed that I wasn't
feeling only plently, so that's why they were doing that,
And it was a way of them to see so
I would like cry or anything like that, which I
would crying always time. Me living in the orphanist, I
learned how to hold my tears back, which was not
(06:35):
good because I got to a point where when I
was like, you know what, I fuck it, Like I'm
gonna deal with whatever I have to deal with, regardless
of this abuse or whatever.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Wow, when you were in Russia, Like you speak fluent
in Russia because you were an older kid, right, you
grew up in the Russia.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
Yeah, so I'm actually relearning it because moving an adopted
and then being forced to learn English. I kind of
forgot about it. I kind of forgot forgot about.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
So what age did your parents come and adopt you?
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Nine?
Speaker 1 (07:05):
I was nine, So you spoke US language for nine
years or about what probably like what eight years because
kids started learning wrong talk like you want or too,
so like seven eight years.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
And then like that's a long time. I got adopted
at nine.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
That's crazy that you would have like this whole identity
and then they just erase it all like they didn't
support you speaking Did they speak Russian?
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Your adoptive parents are they prepare themselves?
Speaker 3 (07:27):
The saying is that my adopted parents. They adopted seven
others and three other kids are from Russia, and one
of the kids spoke Russian, so he was my translator.
But the relationship with us have like change dlastically within
(07:47):
like a few weeks. I want to say, because when
I got adopted in two thousand through August, I remember
going home to bear Chicago home where they lived, and
then within a few minutes we flew out through Switzerland.
In Switzerland, I had to like learn everything. I don't
know why we went to Switzerland, but we went there
for a week and I was just amazed about.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
What nationality were your parents, I mean, like nationally, like
what nation like German? Are they from America? And Switzerland
German America?
Speaker 2 (08:19):
So why did they go to Switzerland?
Speaker 3 (08:21):
Because my so, my adopted mom's biological daughter was living
in Switzerland at that time?
Speaker 2 (08:28):
Gotcha? Gotcha?
Speaker 3 (08:29):
Gotcha went to somebody's wedding. I don't okay, like after
that trip. That's one of things I have really dras
equip for me because I started school right away. I
went straight to third grade instead of like you know,
doing from beginning, I went straight to third grade. I
(08:49):
had to learn the language at school, but on nots
of me going to school, I was still communicating with
my adopted Russian brad her, but that relationship has changed
because within the time that I started school, I was
being molested by him. By him, yeah, so.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
It was Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
And then you couldn't even say anything because no one
understood you and he was your translator.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Yeah, so it was very fresh. Like I remember when
my mom adopted mom. We stayed at a hotel the
night that we the night that she got me from Russia,
and she asked my brother quote unquote, where those bruises
from because she saw my she saw my body like
I had bruises, scars, I had everything on my body. Unfortunately,
(09:44):
she told her something else and I was like, no,
this is from you know, the orphan is And he
told her a different story. So she never asked about it,
like he never asked somebody. So like I was living
with things from the orphanage bringing it to America, and
I never told my story to anybody after I got
(10:05):
adopted anybody. They didn't know what I went through. One
of my sisters did have a feeling that I went
through something hard in there because the way I was
like walking and talking. I was very sereful of everybody.
I was still full of loud noises. I was just
like very scared, and I was glued to one of
(10:25):
my adopted sisters to a point where I couldn't like
leave their sight. I would not speak because I didn't
know how to articulate myself, especially learning English, but in Russia,
like it was hard because I don't think I knew
myself either, because I didn't know my full name when
(10:46):
I was doing the workfield. I only knew my first name,
which is the Jana and Russia. That's it. And I
didn't know that. I don't know if I had a
family out there. But recently of February, I found out
that I have a biological brother and we reunited. But
(11:06):
it's just because it's like three decades Slaters. You reunite
with the brother that you were listening for all those
decades and finding out that he was taking care of
you when you were a baby before you got put
into an orphios. It's a hard pal.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Was he adopted as well?
Speaker 1 (11:27):
No, so he just said that orphanage his whole childhood
or what happened with him?
Speaker 3 (11:31):
This isn't that crazy part? I was the only one
that ended up in the orphans and the reason why
it's the reason why I ended up there is because
my mom's my biological mom's mom told her, you have
to get rid of your two black parts, which is
myself and my brother Jeremy, or you can't live with me.
(11:53):
So that was the ultimatum that my biological mom was
given in order for her to not be on the streets.
So I guess I was. We were hopping to apartments
apartment with him, you know, with a few weeks after
I was born. But at like shortly after I was born,
I ended up at somebody's house, and then I ended
(12:13):
up at an orphanage, and then I was transferred to
a different orphanage in Krossnada, Rocha. So my brother stayed
with our aunt the whole time. And from what I'm
on his standing, he said that my grandparents used to
visit me at the first orphanis. So I don't I
don't recall because I don't have the memory.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
And have you have you reunited with your birth mother
or anyone besides your brother.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
No, So we don't know if she's alive. We don't know,
We don't know if she's alive. From what he told me,
he thinks she's not based on the conversations I he heard,
but he's not sure. So we still to this day
we don't know. But I mean, I hope, I hope
(13:01):
she's alive. I hope she's okay. If she's out there,
it would be great to meet her. I don't have
any of my crud's feelings towards her anymore, just because
I never knew her. But then I also regained my brother,
so it's like I gained something that I was waiting
for looking for all these years. Yeah, and then, like
(13:26):
I talk about my so, I wrote a memoir, my
first memoir, and it's in process of getting editor and
I want some I write a letter to my biological mom,
and I'm basically telling her what I had to go
through in the orphanage, because she made such a needed
decision without considering my situation by my brothers, Because why
(13:52):
did we have to get separated? Like he said, And
I went to the orphan it's to get abuse. And
then I got adapt kid, and then in the adoption
and the adoptive family, I was basically tidered the same way.
So what was the purpose of me being in the
orphanage if I if nobody could care of me, because
(14:15):
there were times where like we didn't so we only
had oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We didn't have
anything else, and we had water home, no in the orphanage.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
And I said, goddamn, Okay, that makes better sense in
the orphanage. Okay, it's still bad, but it makes more sense.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Oh yeah, so that was the breakfast lunchings than oat
man there day they were. There were days where I
didn't eat anything. They chose that for me, like they
would make decisions of what kind of punishment I would get.
So I would go days without eating compared to other kids.
And then there were days where I would get crumbs
(14:53):
off there that's to oatmeal. I said, there was no
milk or water in it, dan egg, and like when
I told I remember, I told a caregiver, a male caregiver,
telling him that I was getting abused by the boys,
older boys. And I appreciate what he did, but the
(15:16):
ending was bad. I appreciate that he went to the
boys and asked them, like, hey, is that happening with
but sin such, But unfortunately, because they denied that they
were not as falcony for me, helling that caregivers. I
ended up getting beat up by them. So it was
like situations something like that. I was a small child.
(15:37):
I'm four eight and I'm still I'm an adult, so
i was smaller than four and i was under forty
pounds and I'm trying to find out two guys that
were seeing the postulars while they're like doing whatever. So
after their sexual assaulted me, they left me on the
bare floor and make me and they start like cooking
(16:00):
me on my ribs and kicking. Yeah, h they kicked me.
They yelled at me, they hit me with their chunes.
This was after there was sexual assaulting me, and I
remember like that nice. I thought I was not going
to see another day because I should have, like, you know,
that should have been my last day by the way
(16:23):
I was getting beat up. But then like they just
left me. So I ended up staying on the floor
for a few minutes, like crying and you told me,
and then I ended up getting the gout kicks get
off the floor and I was limping a lot. Mind you.
Their room was upstairs on the first floor and the
little kids room were on the bottom floor, so I
(16:45):
had to go all the way downstairs, and I was
very tired because you know, if you get caught, you
get in tubble. Barely made it to my room, but
I did end up linking there and I remembered that
no day, so he did. One of the taigavers asked
me why I was limping, and I told her why
(17:05):
and because it was telling her like, she didn't believe me,
so she brushed it off. So like the past few days,
I was working going and then like there was a
couple of nights where if you wet a bed or
if he wets your bed in the orcanes, you get
pun for wetting your bed. So like there was a
night where I wet in my bed and I was
(17:27):
like seven six and I wet my bed and I
woke up for my nightmare and I got scared, so
I didn't say a word. I didn't realize I wet
my bed until I looked at myself. So Bactery Gaver
pay in the room and she's like, what are you
crying for? And I'm like, and I even saying with
him because I was scared. So she started yelling at me.
So she stripped the blanket off of me, and she
(17:48):
saw that I wet my bed and I was like
scared as a hug. So from her doing that, she
like stripped me naked. She told me that I'll have
to go to the bathroom. And before all that, she
stripped the bed and she saw the rocks sticks underneath
my pillow, and those were the two items that used
to focus on to distract myself from all the craziness
(18:13):
I was dealing with. So because she set that away
for me after like finding out that dude, I was like,
I thought my life was over at that point because
those were like two things that I was holding on.
And I would create a picture of how and of
a sun on his clouds, and that was a picture
of hope for me and that I focused on on
(18:35):
because and I'm like, man, when need somebody going to
come and got it? So for her she said that
away from me, I was broken. I was broken. She
told me to go to the bathroom, so I went
to the bathroom and when she told me to turn
the water on, so I had to stand under cold water.
I was crying at that point because of the rocks
and sticks and men, because I had to stay under
(18:56):
the water, so I reached for the soap and she
told me, don't you dare type feel like this is
not for you. You don't use that soap, don't it
run your body? So I wasn't allowed to get clean
cleaned properly. And this was happening on a daily basis.
Mind you, we didn't six hours every day because you
know the orphanis that I lived in, they didn't have
(19:18):
a lot of resources, so we were liking a poor
orsenal story. But I wasn't allowed to use the soap.
So instead, she told me that I had to eat
the bar of soap instead of cleaning my body. And
I gave her the look like what the fuck are
you serious? And then I didn't do anything with the soap.
(19:42):
I just froze and she forced the soap in my
mouth and I had to literally like shoot the bar
of soap, the whole bar of soap. So I was
doing that while crying, and then I was peeking the
soap out and it was happening for a few being little,
but it's felt like it was for and she finally
like realized that I wasn't going to do it, but
(20:04):
I had to like swallow pieces of soap because I
was forced to. If you disobey, you get in trouble.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Do you know my adopted mother made me.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
My adopted mother did the soap and mouth thing too,
and I wasn't forced to chew it. She would have
me sitting with soap in my mouth for hours, so
like I would chew it in spite, like just like
just chew it up and just spit it out in
spite and then get stuck in your teeth and it's
just experience.
Speaker 3 (20:28):
So so then like I she finally let me wrinse
my mouth out, and I thought I was good, I
can take in my bed, but I ended up sleeping
on the floor. I went back to the room and
to tell me, like, you can't sleep on the bed
because you keeped the bed and brought stakes and rocks inside.
And I was like, oh man, So then what I
(20:50):
would do this was happening is pretty often of me
squeeping on the floor, or me forced to sleep in
the bathroom on the floor. I would sneak the blanket
and pillows when they're not in the room, and then
I would put it back on the bed. And I
got thought of doing that, so I was like not
(21:12):
allowed to eag got caught. I got in trouble. So
because I got caught, they forced me to clete in
the bathroom on the floor. So I would sneak out
of the bathroom to go into the room to replete
for a few minutes. So all those knights that had
to experience that, I barely had any fleete. I barely
got in sleep because I was like on the fight,
(21:32):
like fite mode. Yeah, like there was constants. There are
things that they call me, and there's some things that
we hear on regular basis for a black apples, you
know us. And at that time, I didn't understand what
the words word because I was cool with I didn't
(21:55):
know how to read in Russian. I spoke, but I
didn't know how to read or write because we didn't
have school in the orphans. It was basically like a daycare.
We didn't have school within Like if we had toys,
we had to share toys amongst all the kids. We
had to share clothes amongst the kids. They would choose
(22:17):
my outfits, but I was the last one to get
on the thing to wear because I'm like the bottom
of the barrel. There were times where like I didn't
even have shoe to wear, and when we went outside,
we would go outside in our underwear because it was
so hot. It gets hot in resta over one hundred
(22:39):
degrees hot, Yeah, it gets hot, Rutle. But when we
used to go outside, I would play with the sticks
and rocks and I would create my little picture. And
I would hide out some people because I'm just like,
you're not going to bother me. And I would get
in trouble for hiding out, but it was my way
(23:01):
of not being targeting from by people, by the older
kids and the play gimmers. And I was to say,
that's why I was more afraid of the older clips
than the players, because the care gimmers were physically and
mentally abusive, but the older kids were everything above and
(23:23):
more so It's like I was afraid of the older kids.
And there was times where like I was, I went outside.
We went outside and a step on a wood that
had a seize, you know, on me, and it was
stuck on my and my foot, bottom of my foot,
and I was by myself because I was hiding out.
I was scared of that because I didn't know where
(23:43):
everybody was and it was time to go in for dinner.
Oh no, and the older clips. There was four older kids.
There was two girls and two boys. And they heard
me and they started like whistling on me. They started
yelling on me and telling me to come out. If
you don't come out, we're gonna find you. So they
used to play those games quote unquote games, their game
(24:07):
where they've had me run as fast as I can
to see if they can touch up to me. So
if they cut off to me, they could do whatever
the hell they want to do with me. So that's
what I was doing. And mind you, I had a
nail on my foot, so I was like, how am
I supposed to run? So I pulled the nail out
on my foot and I started running as fast as
(24:28):
I could to get to the line. I made it,
but from the distance, I could see the kids. Wait,
so tonight, we'll see what will happen with you tonight
from the distance because they were like bullying, and that
night things happened abuse like so these they were like,
you know, doing the same thing, abusing them with her hands,
(24:52):
shoes they used to like so I still have scars.
I don't know them. But they used to use sharp
to like cuts to see if I can kill points.
So I have like two cuts on life.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
These are the kids and these and these are kids
your age.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
These are older. So like in this particular orphans, it
was pus from like maybe six years old to eighteen.
So in the orphanage, Wow, once you're eighteen, you're out.
Let's kick you out. You're on your own. But the
thing is with the orphans, if you are anywhere between
like fifteen and eighteen, you have some kind of authority.
(25:30):
And also, like the older kids, they recruit the younger
kids too, so sometimes it could be anywhere younger from
like thirteen to fourteen, you know, in their little quote
unquote group doing whatever they have. Yeah, so it was
it was scary to live through that. I've never told
(25:50):
a soul about anything I went through because it's like
when you hear yourself tell your tell the story, it
just sounds crazy. It sounds crazy. It does because it's
like the stuff that happened, it's crazy. I tried to
speak up for other kids, but yet I'm the one
(26:10):
who got in trouble, Like I couldn't even speak up
for them. I couldn't speak up her. Any of the
kids that.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Were my age and you were the only black person
in the orphan is your entire time?
Speaker 3 (26:22):
Yeah, there was no adults. There was no not a like.
There was a time where we were outside and I
was playing with the little boy. He was mine size,
like very scilly. Everybody was skating because we weren't getting
bed enough. This little boy was like afraid to speak.
Of course, I'm just saying that. But that particular day,
(26:44):
we saw a house like next to the playground the
field where we were living, and there was a lady
that was milking food and she was looking dinner and
there was boys. If you don't know what boys is,
it's a beat soup and it's really good. You have
to cry. Look it up on YouTube, find a recipe,
pat out. But okay, she was making boys and she
(27:08):
was talking to us, and during that moment, I felt seen.
I felt like I was being respected, I felt like
I was being considered into a conversation. So it felt
really good. And she offered us a piece of bread,
and of course we said yet. But because we took
the bread, because we ate it, we got in trouble.
(27:30):
But my punishment was for checking the bread. But the
crazy thing about it is that my punishment was different
compared to the little boy, Like I'm not saying that
she should have got what I got, but at the
same time, it sucks because once I got in trouble,
I got whipped with the wooden stick. Compared to him,
(27:52):
he was told, oh, just don't think a pizza bread
coming strangers. So it's like stuff like that. We're like,
why are we not being treated in the firm way?
Why are you going to extreme with me and to
a point where you can brace me? So I got
what they wouldn't stick, and I was on the floor
for a couple of minutes because I couldn't get up.
(28:14):
And once I got the guts to get up, we
had to go in to eat. And I thought I
was good. I was, you know, okay, still limping and
crying my eyes out. The caregiver told me to sit
at a table by myself, and I was like, oh,
whatever can come out, like I'm gonnaused to come out.
I used to be an isolated and while I was
(28:35):
sitting at a table by myself, everybody else was surrounded
because it's like a big cafeteria that we were eating them.
Each table was divided by a group and the caregivers.
So there was like about we would see fifty care
givers throw off a day, at least fifty and because
(28:56):
there was like over two hundred kids and dis orphaned.
So I was sitting by myself, cry my eyes out
and with them like a few minutes, I want to
say two. I see a plagiver with a huge bowl
of bread. He tells me like you need to eat those.
You can't leave until you finished the whole bowl of bread.
And I'm like, what the hell is this? Like I'm
not used to eating this much food and I'm not
(29:18):
going to eat food under pressure. So I was forced
to eat some bowl of bread. I couldn't leave until
I was younge and that lasted over an hour and
I finally finished her and I told me like, hey,
I have a stomachache, like I'm not I'm not feeling good.
And she was like, oh no, you're okay, You're fine.
(29:38):
You don't have a stomach cache. This is what happened
if he pick up with some bread cormuch tenter. So like,
my my health was this mess too, like where I
would tell them I have a headache. I used to
get a lot of migraines, and I would tell them
like I have a bad migrant. I can't like I
can't stand up, I have to tweet, and they would
(29:59):
leave me in a huge room by myself. Mind you,
this is a prime time for older kids to do
whatever the hell they want to do. So there were
times where I was left alone in a hige room
of different beds, you know where we sleep, and the
older kids would come and just like nothing wrong with it,
Like they would use the opportunity. So it's like every
(30:20):
time I was trying to be safe, I wasn't safe.
I was in danger. Like I was in danger all
the time. It got to a point where I was
like I'm going to let help. I'm going to let
everything happen, whatever it is. I don't care, because it
was I was silent every single day for the same thing,
to stop abusing, to stop beating me up, like why
(30:43):
are we doing them? And they saw me crying, so
like why are we going to watch a child cry
over a beast? So it's like I turned my tears off.
I learned how to stop crying, which was danger because
it's like I just let everything happen and I am
just now realizing that it's not my fault with whatever
(31:05):
happened to me. I am just now, like you know,
telling myself like, hey, you're not the one that caused that,
you're the victim.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
And it's hard to absolutely they were a baby, you
were You were a baby.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
So let's fast forward a little bit.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
So your adopted parents come to Russia, they pick you up,
you go to your sister's wedding. I guess in Switzerland
what happens then? Did your adopted parents? I guess you
said that you were quiet about it, so you never
really told anybody about what your situation was in the orphanage,
but I'm sure you were dealing with the trauma of
it as a child.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
So what I did, I kind of bottled everything up
and just kind of for that. Technically I didn't bring
it up, but then deep inside it like when I
was alone, it would come up and I would get
really like scared of thinking about it to a point
where like I would sat down completely so people and
(32:00):
know like what I was dealing with. They thought I
was a happy kid. I mean, I could put it
on a smile, but that doesn't mean I'm not dealing
with something Because I was, so I was trained to
say yes, ma'am, yes, sir, it's my one. You have
to I was like a robot from the orphanage. So
everything I had to deal with in the orphanage, I
(32:21):
was sharing that with my adopted family, so nobody knew.
First of all, I was getting elected every single day
of my life for two years. Nobody knew that I
heard trauma from the orphanage. My like I said earlier,
my sister knew that something was something happened to me,
(32:42):
but she never knew ten. So I was just yeah,
just like everything is fine. And the way my mom
found out about the malitiation work. We used to have
the draining long family meetings and a week stat at
those particularly and this quick toward Saturday was different because
it wasn't during the morning. It was that night, and
(33:05):
this is a time where there were secrets being put
out from my other sisters. One of my sister got
pregnant and my other sister was in the meeting with them.
From then Bamudle was seated because I could hear them
from that door. So within a few minutes, my mom
called me and my other sister that I was not
(33:25):
called to actual that person made it me to be
got from the time that I arrived into the family.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Now were you the were you the only adoptee or
were there other adoptees in your adopted's home.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
There were other adoptees. There were seven of us day,
there were seven of us, and I was the youngest
during their time. And then she adopted another girl from
Russia ortanly maybe like I. Uh. She adopted her in
two thousand and six. So yeah, that was the life.
(33:58):
Myself and the little girl was were the last one.
But during the tea, my mom called us in and
my sister, the one that didn't like me sees the one.
They walked on us in the band. I remember till
this day how it happened. Like I was in bed
no good with him, and I kicked my head out
(34:21):
of the bed and I got there because I heard
the boy. So she said, get to clothes on, come downstairs.
I was like, God said, I'm in trouble, and I
go downstairs and her question was what were you doing
in bed? And I'm like, oh, I was working for
toquaitoes my sol. I'm not looking for Stios who was
working for pos looking And she kept asking me that
(34:44):
second question every single day. But I still saw that
they did not understand why instead of asking me, are
you okay? Do you a hug? Instead of asking me
those things like you went to your friend and told
them a what he saw, so your friends and you
knew about a situation that could have then stopped earlier.
(35:08):
Mind you, that situation did not stop after her finding out,
like they kept going, going, going until so during the meeting,
she was like asking me again what happened? And back
when I had to explain to her, like.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
Your baby, he just came in smiling.
Speaker 3 (35:25):
Okay, give me a few minutes. I month ago.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
But but.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Yeah, so during that that's when I told you everybody
what happened. I did not go in to details because
I'm not about to do that. We're going to be
sitting there forever. Did not going to details. My sisters,
my two other sisters, they saw that something was wrong
because they knew I was a happy cry quote unquote.
(35:52):
So once they saw me like throw everything out, they
knew that something was wrong and they gave me a
hug they which felt good. But then mom, he was
asking all these questions about like why didn't you tell
me you should have told me how come this happened?
Speaker 2 (36:09):
Da dat all?
Speaker 3 (36:10):
So it was like I didn't care that I was
being hurt. And after that it felt like my mom
didn't give two cracks about me because of my Like
I said in your life, when I was adopted, she
brought me to the house and I was basically pawn
to my sisters. My sisters were responsible to me, not hers.
(36:34):
She was a workaholic. She worked home, bought off, which
I admired.
Speaker 2 (36:39):
Was she single? Was there dad? Was there an adoptive father?
Speaker 3 (36:42):
It was adoptive father, but I don't have an even
recollect enough him besides like one of then there's the
three abusers and verbally but I don't he like, I
did not have a relationship with him. I ever called
him a dad. I called my mom. But then it
(37:03):
was like it was fake because you know.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
We all got babies.
Speaker 3 (37:10):
Cool.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
So how long did you how long did you stay
like did you turn eighteen in your adoptive home? What
happened after? You know, did they do anything about the assault?
Speaker 2 (37:21):
Ever? Did your brother get in trouble? Like what happened?
Speaker 3 (37:23):
So? Yeah, so after the assault, I was I went
into the therapy. I went into therapy one on one,
and the parrapy would not help because I didn't open
up because first of all, I'm going to therapy for that,
but I never went to therapy for comment in the
organ so I couldn't. I wasn't able to talk to
(37:44):
the therapist about what really was going on in my
head and why I didn't peak up because I was
I was being held down by the drama, the orphans.
I went there for about a year at least, and
then I don't know why it stopped, but it stopped.
(38:04):
But then we're saying about it is that I was
forced to go see my brother in the facility that
he was locked up at for molesture, so I wasn't.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
So he did get in legal trouble, he got arrested,
He led.
Speaker 3 (38:19):
To a hostility. She didn't like, go to president or
jail like it was that a fstility.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
It was like a trouble team, like a trouble team institution.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Yeah. Back, So he went there and I had to
see him face to face from me. Mom was like
upset with me every every time because I wouldn't speak
to the board, to the guy. And there were times
where like I was sitting by myself, and she was
hitting with him on the opposite shock. So it's like,
(38:47):
why he's sitting with him, but you're not sitting with me?
And why do I not have anybody by my thigh?
Speaker 2 (38:53):
And why did you have to go?
Speaker 4 (38:54):
Anyways, I don't know because there's day if I've asked
my doctor's sisters and they don't know, like they don't
know why.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
Did they have to go?
Speaker 3 (39:07):
No, it was only me. And from what I'm just
saying is that mom tried to bring him back onto
the family.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
She's trying to heal what happened, like as if I
could heal it. That's crazy, that's insane.
Speaker 3 (39:22):
I remember going to I remember going to a room
and I had to act out what happened because I
wasn't able to talk, and I used dolls to explain
to some I believe there was somebody from GPS, to
be honest from what I'm understanding, and I showed them
(39:43):
what happened. But that's all I remember. And then I
remember going to so many different doctor appointments to get passed,
you like, just make sure that was passed and da dah,
Like I had to go to so many doctor appointments
with mom nobody, so that was where too, like nobody
was able to go with me but her. So it's
(40:05):
like my I never had a relationship with my adopted
mom at all. She would threaten me, like, with you
going act right, you're gonna go to be sent back
to the orphan. It's okay, sign me back. What are
we going? So it was that those threats happened when
we moved to Colorado two thousand and eight, when I
(40:26):
was in eighth I was in eighth grade and then
I just she would tell me to go to my room.
So every time I got in trouble, so he'd tell
me to go to my room. So every time I
went to my room, I was not it at all
because she would force him to apologize to her. And
I'm not about to apologize to you, but I don't
(40:48):
want to cause any issues or to just eat. So
it got to a point where I was yet to
it because I was going days without eating. The org
for me, but it wasn't a huge deal for me
to go date without food in America. But it got
to a point where it when my younger sister was
(41:10):
dealing with a fansone where she was getting in trouble,
and what I would do for her. I would sneak
food for her so she can eat because I was like,
nobody's spending for her. No, I don't know, I'm nobody's
spending for her. Like why are we not going to
treat each other like we're a family. So I still
(41:32):
tell her someone stops his mom has passed away, rest
for soul. But I have not dealt with the trauma
from her because I'm just now dealing with the trauma
from the orchid. So I'm unpacking everything, like right now
while I'm writing my story. And it's hard because it's
(41:55):
like I was able to forgive my biological moms than
my back mom, and I I still don't. I still
have not forgiven my adopted mom. I am working on her.
She passed away like two it will be two years
in August, and I got invited to her. What is
(42:17):
it to her awake or whatever? And I don't think
I'm going because I need to heal before I can go. Yeah,
because she cooks me out on Mother's Day, which mothers
said to me till this day is a little salty
because I'm a mom now and she cooks me out
(42:38):
in mothers on Mother's Day. Thankfully I was engaged at
that time. She refused for me to get on my
husband's on shirt. She was for me to get a job.
She did not want me to drive Soul's Day. I
still don't drive, but I have to get over that
fear I wasn't able to work. Once she kicks me out,
(43:01):
I was like, oh whatever, I could get a job now.
So I got myself a job at college. I was
taking sixth classes and working and my husband is the
one who was helping me, like we're getting a state id.
I didn't have a state idea because of like the
longest until I met my husband and I was twenty one. Wow,
(43:23):
So stuff like that, Like she prevented me from doing things,
and it's a way of first to control, like I
wasn't able.
Speaker 1 (43:32):
It's always when you're doing something, they be leaving you
alone when you just and house chilling, but as soon
as you gotta follow, they want to be all over you.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
So it's okay.
Speaker 3 (43:43):
Yeah, So my mom was like she was a hard
working person, but I still on this day don't I
don't know why I was. I just don't, okay, So choking.
Speaker 1 (43:55):
It's so adorable. That's so Diana. So you don't, so
do you?
Speaker 3 (44:02):
You do?
Speaker 1 (44:02):
You still have relations with your siblings some of your siblings, right,
your adopt.
Speaker 3 (44:05):
Have relationship with my two favorites. Okay, with my two
favorite sisters. I talk to them every day, and I don't.
I talked to my youngest, talk to my younger sister,
talk to my younger sister here and there. But yeah,
I keep public. But I talked to my biological brother
(44:26):
every bore.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
But that's what I love that I love. And do
you still talk to what? What happened to creep?
Speaker 3 (44:32):
Well?
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Creeper?
Speaker 3 (44:34):
So I don't talk to him. I haven't seen him.
Speaker 2 (44:38):
Do they do? They still talk to him?
Speaker 1 (44:40):
Because that's that's hit their siblings too, They don't they
everybody didn't cut him off.
Speaker 3 (44:43):
Everybody cuts him off. Yeah, I don't talk to him.
I haven't seen him. I think we have a ristain
in order due for him for us or whatever. Would
that work?
Speaker 1 (44:56):
But yeah, that's that your story is so I see
why you're writing a memoir. I see why you're writing
a memoir because it is inspiring. It's crazy. It's also
just like you just have so much light though you
remind me so much of myself. Yeah right, and just
like your smile and your energy, because this is like
people see me and they're just like when I tell
them my story, like I was just sitting here listening
(45:17):
to you, and I'm just like.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
Oh my god, this is like this, this is this
how I sound.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
I don't my story because to us, you're just telling
your story because it's just like second nature just what happened.
Speaker 2 (45:28):
But like I'm just like, what, yeah, yeah, what so
it really wasn't.
Speaker 1 (45:33):
I'm like, and she has like such a bright spirit
and like you definitely don't look like what you've been through.
Speaker 2 (45:37):
But that's exactly what people say to me.
Speaker 3 (45:39):
I try. I try to be thankful. I try to
be thankful for being adopted, even though it didn't turn
out the way I wanted it to come out. So
that's how I looked at my life, Like, yes, I
went through all that, and I went through more you
will find out in the book, but I think the
(46:02):
things that I went through it has I am now
I look at life in a certain way where like
I still feel like there's hope out there for kids
to get home good homes at that for like people
in general, like people that are struggling in their life,
(46:23):
hope that they find ways to cope with it where
they don't feel like they're alone.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
Absolutely, and that's kind of like, that's why I do
my work, That's why I have my platforms, this is
why we have this podcast.
Speaker 2 (46:36):
I want people to understand that they're not alone.
Speaker 1 (46:38):
And sometimes when we have traumatic childhoods, it always feels
like nobody's story could be worse than ours. But babes,
there are people worse or stories because I'm de terrible,
but Diana, thank you so much for coming on. I
do ask every guest every week if there's one piece
of advice that they would give an adoptee in their
same situation. What's one piece of advice would give a
(47:01):
trans racial international adoptee.
Speaker 3 (47:03):
I think the advice I would give is like, if
you're going to adopt somebody that's not of your race,
please please do as much research as possible. Try to
put yourself in places where the kids can feel like
they're being king, where they feel like they're being heard,
because a lot of times we don't get heard, we
(47:26):
get rest off. And I think that it is important
for everybody to find ways to cope with thems that
they're dealing with. Because everybody has a story to tell,
like everybody. And if you want to share your story,
share your story, because your story my revene with somebody
(47:47):
that's dealing with similar things like yours, your story like
a lot of people. I'm getting your most. By the
Thank God, a lot of people can resonate with your
story or they see the real life that you had
to live through. When people don't understand or know what
other person went through until.
Speaker 1 (48:07):
They really see, until they see or read and I
and I and I appreciate that, and I appreciate you
grabbing a copy and I can't wait to read yours.
Speaker 2 (48:15):
Let me know.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
And if you ever need any help with publication, like
you know, I have a whole consulting business with with
UH with books, So if you need any and I
won't even charge it because I'll just like listen, I'll
put you on the game.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
I'm on my second book. There's a game.
Speaker 1 (48:28):
There is a game, but you know it is it
can be it for me. I didn't do it for money.
I did it before because I wanted my legacy to
be heard and I thought that it was important to
be heard going on.
Speaker 2 (48:39):
Money did come with that too. Money did come, but
I come, money came with that too. But if I didn't.
Speaker 1 (48:44):
Sell one book, it would been okay because that was
like my founder. That was like me finally saying to
the world, like this happened to me.
Speaker 2 (48:52):
And even after I die, my.
Speaker 1 (48:54):
Book will remain, It'll remain on bookshads, It'll remain in libraries.
That's my legacy. So I didn't go through all of
that for nought, right, And I didn't want to go
through all of that and survive all of that and
just like die and my story disappears. Right, So I
think it's really important for anyone. Rather you're doing it
just just to have your book or rather and then
here's another thing, if you do profit from your pain,
(49:17):
profit and walk to the fucking bank.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
I hate when people, oh my god, you're rage bating.
You're profiting off your pain.
Speaker 1 (49:22):
Yeah, yeah, so many other people profit off my pain,
so I might as well make a couple of dollars
while we add it. You only got no problem with
these agencies making sixty seventy eighty thousand dollars off our body, bitch,
I can't ask for nineteen ninety five for a soft
cover book. Now I'm a grifter because I'm selling my
own story.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
So please be inspired, Please write your book.
Speaker 1 (49:41):
I cannot wait to reach it.
Speaker 3 (49:42):
Yeah, it took me. It took a long time from
me to comforts to write it, and I started writing
Jayline and idn't okay.
Speaker 1 (49:51):
So this is some advice I would give to you
right now. Don't even worry about like the publishing part.
That'll all come later. That'll come later. Right now, give
yourself because you're a mom too.
Speaker 2 (50:01):
You get busy. You gotta work all the things a
page to yourself a day.
Speaker 1 (50:07):
Sometimes you can only do like a paragraph, but work
on it every single day for thirty minutes.
Speaker 2 (50:12):
That's what I did for both of my books.
Speaker 1 (50:15):
And then sometimes you have to take a break because
there are some times where I was talking about some
really tragic stuff and I was.
Speaker 2 (50:20):
Like, I need to take a couple of days. All
I got I can, Yeah that's and do that.
Speaker 3 (50:25):
I had to take a home.
Speaker 1 (50:26):
Yeah, dude, take those take those breaks, because what happens
is if you try to force yourself through that writing,
it's not it's not gonna come over. It's not gonna
come across the way you wanted to come across, and
then it's going to be you know, all that anger, that frustration,
that fight or flight. When you're writing, you want to
be in a healed position where you can tell the whole,
because a lot of the times where I found in
my book is like when the thing, like when sexual
(50:47):
assault or homelessness, or like any bad thing happened to me.
If I try to force myself through that writing, I
wouldn't get as detailed and descriptive as I should have,
because that's me just trying to be all right, girl,
I was raped and move on?
Speaker 2 (50:59):
No know how what was the sight? What would you
What did you smell? What did you feel? What did
you see?
Speaker 1 (51:06):
And you really have to sit in your moment of
trauma and be like what color was the sheets?
Speaker 2 (51:12):
What did were their pillows on the bed? Right?
Speaker 1 (51:15):
And that is what's going to make a grappling memoir
because it's the details. But a lot of people don't
want to focus on the details when it pertains to
their trauma because that's literally just sitting in your trauma.
Speaker 2 (51:25):
Remind like unpacking your brain, Like no, was the light on?
It wasn't light off. Now did they rape me it
once or twice? No, but it's real. It's real.
Speaker 1 (51:35):
That's what you gotta do. But no, I'm super excited. Diana,
thank you so much for coming on the podcast. And
light shinters like you say every week and like Diana
said in her experience earlier, y'all show y'all stories. That's
why my slogan has always shine your light. Always shine
your light means be light, be bright, always shine, Always
share your story because you never know you might guide.
Always shine your light because you never know who might
(51:56):
be in a dark room and your light might guide
them out of that dark room.
Speaker 2 (52:00):
Listeners, We'll see you guys for the next episode. And Diana,
thank you again. Is there any place on social media.
Speaker 1 (52:08):
In pre order? What can we do to support you?
Where can we support you?
Speaker 3 (52:11):
So I'm in passed right now. It's nice and out, okay?
Speaker 1 (52:19):
Or do you have any social medias as you want
people to kind of like follow you.
Speaker 3 (52:22):
I'm on tittalk and I join your lives every week.
I'm on tik talk, I'm on Instagram.
Speaker 2 (52:30):
What is that? What? What's what's the act? Your user name?
Speaker 3 (52:33):
Diana dra okay and spell.
Speaker 1 (52:36):
It out spell it out for the listeners.
Speaker 2 (52:40):
Diana draws perfect yep yep, yep, yep.
Speaker 1 (52:43):
Well, I will put it also in the show notes guys,
so you guys can follow Diana and I cannot wait
for that book to come out, so definitely when you
get to editing done and the publishing done, y'all make
sure you follow Diana and Diana thank you so much
again for coming on Awards of the State.
Speaker 2 (52:54):
Podcast and we'll see you next time.
Speaker 1 (52:56):
Okay, awesome, I was great.
Content warning. The Wards of the State podcast may contain
material that may be harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.
Listener discretion is advised. Heyli Shanners, Welcome back to another
(00:37):
amazing episode of Wards of the State.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
We're back, We're back, We're back, and we are getting through. Guys,
we're getting so close to one hundred.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
I cannot wait until we have one hundred episodes and
podcast time. That's a long time, right, one hundred. Think
about it. Each episode is forty five minutes to an
hour on average. Some are a little bit longer, some
are a little bit shorter. But that means that we've
spent one hundred, almost one hundred hours uplift experience.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
That's crazy. You ain't getting that nowhere else.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
That's one hundred different stories, one hundred different hours for
foster parents, adopted parents, guardianship parents, anyone who's working excite
inside or alongside the child Wilfare system to get some
free education, because 'all, the podcast is free. It's free,
free nine to nine. That's the best price, free ninety nine.
So like always, make sure you guys are sharing the
podcast with your families and friends. Make sure you're following
(01:24):
us on Spotify and subscribing, and also make sure you
are listening on podcast Apple Podcasts and leaving us a one, two, three,
four five star rating and review.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
We haven't had a review, y'all since December. What's going on?
The views is there?
Speaker 1 (01:38):
The views is the We still getting ten to twenty
thousand downloads for episode What's going on?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Ten thousand of y'all listening? Ain't nobody got a review
for a brother? All right? Go ahead, pow us this
right now? Go ahead, pause it. I mean I am
even sharing this story.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Pause it, go ahead, pout leave a review. You left
it all right, now, we can go ahead. Our next
guest to join us is gonna be Miss Diana. Hi, Diana,
how are you doing today?
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Feld? How are you?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
I am fantastic. Diana's over there. Crack it up.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
I'm trying my best because my parents told me you
got to hold it together.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yes, yes, yeah, Well listen, I think we're gonna have
a lot of inspirational and an emotional journey today. So
let's start off with Hi. We might get real low
depending on how your story goes, but let's just start
from the top. Diana, how did you get into the
external childcare.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
System, so I have a different experience. I was born
in Russia, I believe it or not. I know a
lot of you guys don't believe me. But I was
born in Russia. But I ended up.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
In an orphanage in Russia ESS.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
So I jumped through different orphanages. I'm not sure exactly
how many, but it was at least twenty three orphanages.
But when I ended up in Russia, I was born there,
and my mom is ar Leaning and Russian. Then I
have an African father. I don't know anything about him.
I am just now getting information about my mom at
(03:10):
a thirty two, which is a hard pill to swallow.
But my life in Russia was really tough because I
was the only black child and all the orphanagess that
I live in, and being the only black child was
hard for me because the experiences I had to go
(03:31):
through were totally different compared to the other kids. For example,
people did not know how to take care of my
hand and I and the way my hair experience went
was very hurtful and it was homful to me and
to my mental space. So I would sit in between
(03:52):
the caregiver's legs on the floor with no cursing or anything,
and she would rip out my hair with a small
pisco something that's just coming out. But every time I
saw the comb and had like patches up hair. So
I had bald patches throughout my hair. I had a
little afro, and I was proud of it. But I
(04:14):
couldn't have that either, So it's like that my goodness. Yeah,
So when I was going through that haircare, it was
happening every week before that's this didn't make sense because
they weren't wrapping my hair and I wasn't understanding why
I had to get my hair with out of myself
before beds because we're not going anywhere, we're going to tweets.
(04:34):
But then at the same time, I look at it
right now and it's like, it's a bittersweet moment for
me because it was a way for me to stay
away from older kids that were bigger than me. So
it was a way of you to be kind of safe.
But not exactly because when I was with the caregivers
(04:55):
the other kids, we were in a playroom and they
were about thirty to forty kids in the small room
watching black and white t beat When I was in
a corner and stating by.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Myself and what ye what year was this?
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Hey? It was great my understanding, I remember my life
sixteen anywhere, because seven and now before seven and now
I did not remember anything at all. I'm hoping that
I was treated okay in the previous time. But yeah,
(05:29):
so I was going through that every night before bed.
They don't know why, but it was a way like
for me to stay away from the WS that was
expending with older kids in the orphanage. The older kids
somehow got the authority of taking care of the little kids,
which doesn't make sense. And with me being taken a
care of by the older kids, I wasn't doing a
(05:52):
second care. I was being abuse surgically, sexually mentally. Like
there were times where they would drag me fro my
bug that night and rapping and sheep and dragged me
to the room to just amuse me. There were times
where like they were strictly naked and they we're gonna
start hitting me with objects like two brand hus, their chees,
(06:14):
their had For some reasons, I believed that I wasn't
feeling only plently, so that's why they were doing that,
And it was a way of them to see so
I would like cry or anything like that, which I
would crying always time. Me living in the orphanist, I
learned how to hold my tears back, which was not
(06:35):
good because I got to a point where when I
was like, you know what, I fuck it, Like I'm
gonna deal with whatever I have to deal with, regardless
of this abuse or whatever.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Wow, when you were in Russia, Like you speak fluent
in Russia because you were an older kid, right, you
grew up in the Russia.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
Yeah, so I'm actually relearning it because moving an adopted
and then being forced to learn English. I kind of
forgot about it. I kind of forgot forgot about.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
So what age did your parents come and adopt you?
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Nine?
Speaker 1 (07:05):
I was nine, So you spoke US language for nine
years or about what probably like what eight years because
kids started learning wrong talk like you want or too,
so like seven eight years.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
And then like that's a long time. I got adopted
at nine.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
That's crazy that you would have like this whole identity
and then they just erase it all like they didn't
support you speaking Did they speak Russian?
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Your adoptive parents are they prepare themselves?
Speaker 3 (07:27):
The saying is that my adopted parents. They adopted seven
others and three other kids are from Russia, and one
of the kids spoke Russian, so he was my translator.
But the relationship with us have like change dlastically within
(07:47):
like a few weeks. I want to say, because when
I got adopted in two thousand through August, I remember
going home to bear Chicago home where they lived, and
then within a few minutes we flew out through Switzerland.
In Switzerland, I had to like learn everything. I don't
know why we went to Switzerland, but we went there
for a week and I was just amazed about.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
What nationality were your parents, I mean, like nationally, like
what nation like German? Are they from America? And Switzerland
German America?
Speaker 2 (08:19):
So why did they go to Switzerland?
Speaker 3 (08:21):
Because my so, my adopted mom's biological daughter was living
in Switzerland at that time?
Speaker 2 (08:28):
Gotcha? Gotcha?
Speaker 3 (08:29):
Gotcha went to somebody's wedding. I don't okay, like after
that trip. That's one of things I have really dras
equip for me because I started school right away. I
went straight to third grade instead of like you know,
doing from beginning, I went straight to third grade. I
(08:49):
had to learn the language at school, but on nots
of me going to school, I was still communicating with
my adopted Russian brad her, but that relationship has changed
because within the time that I started school, I was
being molested by him. By him, yeah, so.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
It was Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
And then you couldn't even say anything because no one
understood you and he was your translator.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Yeah, so it was very fresh. Like I remember when
my mom adopted mom. We stayed at a hotel the
night that we the night that she got me from Russia,
and she asked my brother quote unquote, where those bruises
from because she saw my she saw my body like
I had bruises, scars, I had everything on my body. Unfortunately,
(09:44):
she told her something else and I was like, no,
this is from you know, the orphan is And he
told her a different story. So she never asked about it,
like he never asked somebody. So like I was living
with things from the orphanage bringing it to America, and
I never told my story to anybody after I got
(10:05):
adopted anybody. They didn't know what I went through. One
of my sisters did have a feeling that I went
through something hard in there because the way I was
like walking and talking. I was very sereful of everybody.
I was still full of loud noises. I was just
like very scared, and I was glued to one of
(10:25):
my adopted sisters to a point where I couldn't like
leave their sight. I would not speak because I didn't
know how to articulate myself, especially learning English, but in Russia,
like it was hard because I don't think I knew
myself either, because I didn't know my full name when
(10:46):
I was doing the workfield. I only knew my first name,
which is the Jana and Russia. That's it. And I
didn't know that. I don't know if I had a
family out there. But recently of February, I found out
that I have a biological brother and we reunited. But
(11:06):
it's just because it's like three decades Slaters. You reunite
with the brother that you were listening for all those
decades and finding out that he was taking care of
you when you were a baby before you got put
into an orphios. It's a hard pal.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Was he adopted as well?
Speaker 1 (11:27):
No, so he just said that orphanage his whole childhood
or what happened with him?
Speaker 3 (11:31):
This isn't that crazy part? I was the only one
that ended up in the orphans and the reason why
it's the reason why I ended up there is because
my mom's my biological mom's mom told her, you have
to get rid of your two black parts, which is
myself and my brother Jeremy, or you can't live with me.
(11:53):
So that was the ultimatum that my biological mom was
given in order for her to not be on the streets.
So I guess I was. We were hopping to apartments
apartment with him, you know, with a few weeks after
I was born. But at like shortly after I was born,
I ended up at somebody's house, and then I ended
(12:13):
up at an orphanage, and then I was transferred to
a different orphanage in Krossnada, Rocha. So my brother stayed
with our aunt the whole time. And from what I'm
on his standing, he said that my grandparents used to
visit me at the first orphanis. So I don't I
don't recall because I don't have the memory.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
And have you have you reunited with your birth mother
or anyone besides your brother.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
No, So we don't know if she's alive. We don't know,
We don't know if she's alive. From what he told me,
he thinks she's not based on the conversations I he heard,
but he's not sure. So we still to this day
we don't know. But I mean, I hope, I hope
(13:01):
she's alive. I hope she's okay. If she's out there,
it would be great to meet her. I don't have
any of my crud's feelings towards her anymore, just because
I never knew her. But then I also regained my brother,
so it's like I gained something that I was waiting
for looking for all these years. Yeah, and then, like
(13:26):
I talk about my so, I wrote a memoir, my
first memoir, and it's in process of getting editor and
I want some I write a letter to my biological mom,
and I'm basically telling her what I had to go
through in the orphanage, because she made such a needed
decision without considering my situation by my brothers, Because why
(13:52):
did we have to get separated? Like he said, And
I went to the orphan it's to get abuse. And
then I got adapt kid, and then in the adoption
and the adoptive family, I was basically tidered the same way.
So what was the purpose of me being in the
orphanage if I if nobody could care of me, because
(14:15):
there were times where like we didn't so we only
had oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We didn't have
anything else, and we had water home, no in the orphanage.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
And I said, goddamn, Okay, that makes better sense in
the orphanage. Okay, it's still bad, but it makes more sense.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Oh yeah, so that was the breakfast lunchings than oat
man there day they were. There were days where I
didn't eat anything. They chose that for me, like they
would make decisions of what kind of punishment I would get.
So I would go days without eating compared to other kids.
And then there were days where I would get crumbs
(14:53):
off there that's to oatmeal. I said, there was no
milk or water in it, dan egg, and like when
I told I remember, I told a caregiver, a male caregiver,
telling him that I was getting abused by the boys,
older boys. And I appreciate what he did, but the
(15:16):
ending was bad. I appreciate that he went to the
boys and asked them, like, hey, is that happening with
but sin such, But unfortunately, because they denied that they
were not as falcony for me, helling that caregivers. I
ended up getting beat up by them. So it was
like situations something like that. I was a small child.
(15:37):
I'm four eight and I'm still I'm an adult, so
i was smaller than four and i was under forty
pounds and I'm trying to find out two guys that
were seeing the postulars while they're like doing whatever. So
after their sexual assaulted me, they left me on the
bare floor and make me and they start like cooking
(16:00):
me on my ribs and kicking. Yeah, h they kicked me.
They yelled at me, they hit me with their chunes.
This was after there was sexual assaulting me, and I
remember like that nice. I thought I was not going
to see another day because I should have, like, you know,
that should have been my last day by the way
(16:23):
I was getting beat up. But then like they just
left me. So I ended up staying on the floor
for a few minutes, like crying and you told me,
and then I ended up getting the gout kicks get
off the floor and I was limping a lot. Mind you.
Their room was upstairs on the first floor and the
little kids room were on the bottom floor, so I
(16:45):
had to go all the way downstairs, and I was
very tired because you know, if you get caught, you
get in tubble. Barely made it to my room, but
I did end up linking there and I remembered that
no day, so he did. One of the taigavers asked
me why I was limping, and I told her why
(17:05):
and because it was telling her like, she didn't believe me,
so she brushed it off. So like the past few days,
I was working going and then like there was a
couple of nights where if you wet a bed or
if he wets your bed in the orcanes, you get
pun for wetting your bed. So like there was a
night where I wet in my bed and I was
(17:27):
like seven six and I wet my bed and I
woke up for my nightmare and I got scared, so
I didn't say a word. I didn't realize I wet
my bed until I looked at myself. So Bactery Gaver
pay in the room and she's like, what are you
crying for? And I'm like, and I even saying with
him because I was scared. So she started yelling at me.
So she stripped the blanket off of me, and she
(17:48):
saw that I wet my bed and I was like
scared as a hug. So from her doing that, she
like stripped me naked. She told me that I'll have
to go to the bathroom. And before all that, she
stripped the bed and she saw the rocks sticks underneath
my pillow, and those were the two items that used
to focus on to distract myself from all the craziness
(18:13):
I was dealing with. So because she set that away
for me after like finding out that dude, I was like,
I thought my life was over at that point because
those were like two things that I was holding on.
And I would create a picture of how and of
a sun on his clouds, and that was a picture
of hope for me and that I focused on on
(18:35):
because and I'm like, man, when need somebody going to
come and got it? So for her she said that
away from me, I was broken. I was broken. She
told me to go to the bathroom, so I went
to the bathroom and when she told me to turn
the water on, so I had to stand under cold water.
I was crying at that point because of the rocks
and sticks and men, because I had to stay under
(18:56):
the water, so I reached for the soap and she
told me, don't you dare type feel like this is
not for you. You don't use that soap, don't it
run your body? So I wasn't allowed to get clean
cleaned properly. And this was happening on a daily basis.
Mind you, we didn't six hours every day because you
know the orphanis that I lived in, they didn't have
(19:18):
a lot of resources, so we were liking a poor
orsenal story. But I wasn't allowed to use the soap.
So instead, she told me that I had to eat
the bar of soap instead of cleaning my body. And
I gave her the look like what the fuck are
you serious? And then I didn't do anything with the soap.
(19:42):
I just froze and she forced the soap in my
mouth and I had to literally like shoot the bar
of soap, the whole bar of soap. So I was
doing that while crying, and then I was peeking the
soap out and it was happening for a few being little,
but it's felt like it was for and she finally
like realized that I wasn't going to do it, but
(20:04):
I had to like swallow pieces of soap because I
was forced to. If you disobey, you get in trouble.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Do you know my adopted mother made me.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
My adopted mother did the soap and mouth thing too,
and I wasn't forced to chew it. She would have
me sitting with soap in my mouth for hours, so
like I would chew it in spite, like just like
just chew it up and just spit it out in
spite and then get stuck in your teeth and it's
just experience.
Speaker 3 (20:28):
So so then like I she finally let me wrinse
my mouth out, and I thought I was good, I
can take in my bed, but I ended up sleeping
on the floor. I went back to the room and
to tell me, like, you can't sleep on the bed
because you keeped the bed and brought stakes and rocks inside.
And I was like, oh man, So then what I
(20:50):
would do this was happening is pretty often of me
squeeping on the floor, or me forced to sleep in
the bathroom on the floor. I would sneak the blanket
and pillows when they're not in the room, and then
I would put it back on the bed. And I
got thought of doing that, so I was like not
(21:12):
allowed to eag got caught. I got in trouble. So
because I got caught, they forced me to clete in
the bathroom on the floor. So I would sneak out
of the bathroom to go into the room to replete
for a few minutes. So all those knights that had
to experience that, I barely had any fleete. I barely
got in sleep because I was like on the fight,
(21:32):
like fite mode. Yeah, like there was constants. There are
things that they call me, and there's some things that
we hear on regular basis for a black apples, you
know us. And at that time, I didn't understand what
the words word because I was cool with I didn't
(21:55):
know how to read in Russian. I spoke, but I
didn't know how to read or write because we didn't
have school in the orphans. It was basically like a daycare.
We didn't have school within Like if we had toys,
we had to share toys amongst all the kids. We
had to share clothes amongst the kids. They would choose
(22:17):
my outfits, but I was the last one to get
on the thing to wear because I'm like the bottom
of the barrel. There were times where like I didn't
even have shoe to wear, and when we went outside,
we would go outside in our underwear because it was
so hot. It gets hot in resta over one hundred
(22:39):
degrees hot, Yeah, it gets hot, Rutle. But when we
used to go outside, I would play with the sticks
and rocks and I would create my little picture. And
I would hide out some people because I'm just like,
you're not going to bother me. And I would get
in trouble for hiding out, but it was my way
(23:01):
of not being targeting from by people, by the older
kids and the play gimmers. And I was to say,
that's why I was more afraid of the older clips
than the players, because the care gimmers were physically and
mentally abusive, but the older kids were everything above and
(23:23):
more so It's like I was afraid of the older kids.
And there was times where like I was, I went outside.
We went outside and a step on a wood that
had a seize, you know, on me, and it was
stuck on my and my foot, bottom of my foot,
and I was by myself because I was hiding out.
I was scared of that because I didn't know where
(23:43):
everybody was and it was time to go in for dinner.
Oh no, and the older clips. There was four older kids.
There was two girls and two boys. And they heard
me and they started like whistling on me. They started
yelling on me and telling me to come out. If
you don't come out, we're gonna find you. So they
used to play those games quote unquote games, their game
(24:07):
where they've had me run as fast as I can
to see if they can touch up to me. So
if they cut off to me, they could do whatever
the hell they want to do with me. So that's
what I was doing. And mind you, I had a
nail on my foot, so I was like, how am
I supposed to run? So I pulled the nail out
on my foot and I started running as fast as
(24:28):
I could to get to the line. I made it,
but from the distance, I could see the kids. Wait,
so tonight, we'll see what will happen with you tonight
from the distance because they were like bullying, and that
night things happened abuse like so these they were like,
you know, doing the same thing, abusing them with her hands,
(24:52):
shoes they used to like so I still have scars.
I don't know them. But they used to use sharp
to like cuts to see if I can kill points.
So I have like two cuts on life.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
These are the kids and these and these are kids
your age.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
These are older. So like in this particular orphans, it
was pus from like maybe six years old to eighteen.
So in the orphanage, Wow, once you're eighteen, you're out.
Let's kick you out. You're on your own. But the
thing is with the orphans, if you are anywhere between
like fifteen and eighteen, you have some kind of authority.
(25:30):
And also, like the older kids, they recruit the younger
kids too, so sometimes it could be anywhere younger from
like thirteen to fourteen, you know, in their little quote
unquote group doing whatever they have. Yeah, so it was
it was scary to live through that. I've never told
(25:50):
a soul about anything I went through because it's like
when you hear yourself tell your tell the story, it
just sounds crazy. It sounds crazy. It does because it's
like the stuff that happened, it's crazy. I tried to
speak up for other kids, but yet I'm the one
(26:10):
who got in trouble, Like I couldn't even speak up
for them. I couldn't speak up her. Any of the
kids that.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Were my age and you were the only black person
in the orphan is your entire time?
Speaker 3 (26:22):
Yeah, there was no adults. There was no not a like.
There was a time where we were outside and I
was playing with the little boy. He was mine size,
like very scilly. Everybody was skating because we weren't getting
bed enough. This little boy was like afraid to speak.
Of course, I'm just saying that. But that particular day,
(26:44):
we saw a house like next to the playground the
field where we were living, and there was a lady
that was milking food and she was looking dinner and
there was boys. If you don't know what boys is,
it's a beat soup and it's really good. You have
to cry. Look it up on YouTube, find a recipe,
pat out. But okay, she was making boys and she
(27:08):
was talking to us, and during that moment, I felt seen.
I felt like I was being respected, I felt like
I was being considered into a conversation. So it felt
really good. And she offered us a piece of bread,
and of course we said yet. But because we took
the bread, because we ate it, we got in trouble.
(27:30):
But my punishment was for checking the bread. But the
crazy thing about it is that my punishment was different
compared to the little boy, Like I'm not saying that
she should have got what I got, but at the
same time, it sucks because once I got in trouble,
I got whipped with the wooden stick. Compared to him,
(27:52):
he was told, oh, just don't think a pizza bread
coming strangers. So it's like stuff like that. We're like,
why are we not being treated in the firm way?
Why are you going to extreme with me and to
a point where you can brace me? So I got
what they wouldn't stick, and I was on the floor
for a couple of minutes because I couldn't get up.
(28:14):
And once I got the guts to get up, we
had to go in to eat. And I thought I
was good. I was, you know, okay, still limping and
crying my eyes out. The caregiver told me to sit
at a table by myself, and I was like, oh,
whatever can come out, like I'm gonnaused to come out.
I used to be an isolated and while I was
(28:35):
sitting at a table by myself, everybody else was surrounded
because it's like a big cafeteria that we were eating them.
Each table was divided by a group and the caregivers.
So there was like about we would see fifty care
givers throw off a day, at least fifty and because
(28:56):
there was like over two hundred kids and dis orphaned.
So I was sitting by myself, cry my eyes out
and with them like a few minutes, I want to
say two. I see a plagiver with a huge bowl
of bread. He tells me like you need to eat those.
You can't leave until you finished the whole bowl of bread.
And I'm like, what the hell is this? Like I'm
not used to eating this much food and I'm not
(29:18):
going to eat food under pressure. So I was forced
to eat some bowl of bread. I couldn't leave until
I was younge and that lasted over an hour and
I finally finished her and I told me like, hey,
I have a stomachache, like I'm not I'm not feeling good.
And she was like, oh no, you're okay, You're fine.
(29:38):
You don't have a stomach cache. This is what happened
if he pick up with some bread cormuch tenter. So like,
my my health was this mess too, like where I
would tell them I have a headache. I used to
get a lot of migraines, and I would tell them
like I have a bad migrant. I can't like I
can't stand up, I have to tweet, and they would
(29:59):
leave me in a huge room by myself. Mind you,
this is a prime time for older kids to do
whatever the hell they want to do. So there were
times where I was left alone in a hige room
of different beds, you know where we sleep, and the
older kids would come and just like nothing wrong with it,
Like they would use the opportunity. So it's like every
(30:20):
time I was trying to be safe, I wasn't safe.
I was in danger. Like I was in danger all
the time. It got to a point where I was
like I'm going to let help. I'm going to let
everything happen, whatever it is. I don't care, because it
was I was silent every single day for the same thing,
to stop abusing, to stop beating me up, like why
(30:43):
are we doing them? And they saw me crying, so
like why are we going to watch a child cry
over a beast? So it's like I turned my tears off.
I learned how to stop crying, which was danger because
it's like I just let everything happen and I am
just now realizing that it's not my fault with whatever
(31:05):
happened to me. I am just now, like you know,
telling myself like, hey, you're not the one that caused that,
you're the victim.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
And it's hard to absolutely they were a baby, you
were You were a baby.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
So let's fast forward a little bit.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
So your adopted parents come to Russia, they pick you up,
you go to your sister's wedding. I guess in Switzerland
what happens then? Did your adopted parents? I guess you
said that you were quiet about it, so you never
really told anybody about what your situation was in the orphanage,
but I'm sure you were dealing with the trauma of
it as a child.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
So what I did, I kind of bottled everything up
and just kind of for that. Technically I didn't bring
it up, but then deep inside it like when I
was alone, it would come up and I would get
really like scared of thinking about it to a point
where like I would sat down completely so people and
(32:00):
know like what I was dealing with. They thought I
was a happy kid. I mean, I could put it
on a smile, but that doesn't mean I'm not dealing
with something Because I was, so I was trained to
say yes, ma'am, yes, sir, it's my one. You have
to I was like a robot from the orphanage. So
everything I had to deal with in the orphanage, I
(32:21):
was sharing that with my adopted family, so nobody knew.
First of all, I was getting elected every single day
of my life for two years. Nobody knew that I
heard trauma from the orphanage. My like I said earlier,
my sister knew that something was something happened to me,
(32:42):
but she never knew ten. So I was just yeah,
just like everything is fine. And the way my mom
found out about the malitiation work. We used to have
the draining long family meetings and a week stat at
those particularly and this quick toward Saturday was different because
it wasn't during the morning. It was that night, and
(33:05):
this is a time where there were secrets being put
out from my other sisters. One of my sister got
pregnant and my other sister was in the meeting with them.
From then Bamudle was seated because I could hear them
from that door. So within a few minutes, my mom
called me and my other sister that I was not
(33:25):
called to actual that person made it me to be
got from the time that I arrived into the family.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Now were you the were you the only adoptee or
were there other adoptees in your adopted's home.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
There were other adoptees. There were seven of us day,
there were seven of us, and I was the youngest
during their time. And then she adopted another girl from
Russia ortanly maybe like I. Uh. She adopted her in
two thousand and six. So yeah, that was the life.
(33:58):
Myself and the little girl was were the last one.
But during the tea, my mom called us in and
my sister, the one that didn't like me sees the one.
They walked on us in the band. I remember till
this day how it happened. Like I was in bed
no good with him, and I kicked my head out
(34:21):
of the bed and I got there because I heard
the boy. So she said, get to clothes on, come downstairs.
I was like, God said, I'm in trouble, and I
go downstairs and her question was what were you doing
in bed? And I'm like, oh, I was working for
toquaitoes my sol. I'm not looking for Stios who was
working for pos looking And she kept asking me that
(34:44):
second question every single day. But I still saw that
they did not understand why instead of asking me, are
you okay? Do you a hug? Instead of asking me
those things like you went to your friend and told
them a what he saw, so your friends and you
knew about a situation that could have then stopped earlier.
(35:08):
Mind you, that situation did not stop after her finding out,
like they kept going, going, going until so during the meeting,
she was like asking me again what happened? And back
when I had to explain to her, like.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
Your baby, he just came in smiling.
Speaker 3 (35:25):
Okay, give me a few minutes. I month ago.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
But but.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Yeah, so during that that's when I told you everybody
what happened. I did not go in to details because
I'm not about to do that. We're going to be
sitting there forever. Did not going to details. My sisters,
my two other sisters, they saw that something was wrong
because they knew I was a happy cry quote unquote.
(35:52):
So once they saw me like throw everything out, they
knew that something was wrong and they gave me a
hug they which felt good. But then mom, he was
asking all these questions about like why didn't you tell
me you should have told me how come this happened?
Speaker 2 (36:09):
Da dat all?
Speaker 3 (36:10):
So it was like I didn't care that I was
being hurt. And after that it felt like my mom
didn't give two cracks about me because of my Like
I said in your life, when I was adopted, she
brought me to the house and I was basically pawn
to my sisters. My sisters were responsible to me, not hers.
(36:34):
She was a workaholic. She worked home, bought off, which
I admired.
Speaker 2 (36:39):
Was she single? Was there dad? Was there an adoptive father?
Speaker 3 (36:42):
It was adoptive father, but I don't have an even
recollect enough him besides like one of then there's the
three abusers and verbally but I don't he like, I
did not have a relationship with him. I ever called
him a dad. I called my mom. But then it
(37:03):
was like it was fake because you know.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
We all got babies.
Speaker 3 (37:10):
Cool.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
So how long did you how long did you stay
like did you turn eighteen in your adoptive home? What
happened after? You know, did they do anything about the assault?
Speaker 2 (37:21):
Ever? Did your brother get in trouble? Like what happened?
Speaker 3 (37:23):
So? Yeah, so after the assault, I was I went
into the therapy. I went into therapy one on one,
and the parrapy would not help because I didn't open
up because first of all, I'm going to therapy for that,
but I never went to therapy for comment in the
organ so I couldn't. I wasn't able to talk to
(37:44):
the therapist about what really was going on in my
head and why I didn't peak up because I was
I was being held down by the drama, the orphans.
I went there for about a year at least, and
then I don't know why it stopped, but it stopped.
(38:04):
But then we're saying about it is that I was
forced to go see my brother in the facility that
he was locked up at for molesture, so I wasn't.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
So he did get in legal trouble, he got arrested,
He led.
Speaker 3 (38:19):
To a hostility. She didn't like, go to president or
jail like it was that a fstility.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
It was like a trouble team, like a trouble team institution.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Yeah. Back, So he went there and I had to
see him face to face from me. Mom was like
upset with me every every time because I wouldn't speak
to the board, to the guy. And there were times
where like I was sitting by myself, and she was
hitting with him on the opposite shock. So it's like,
(38:47):
why he's sitting with him, but you're not sitting with me?
And why do I not have anybody by my thigh?
Speaker 2 (38:53):
And why did you have to go?
Speaker 4 (38:54):
Anyways, I don't know because there's day if I've asked
my doctor's sisters and they don't know, like they don't
know why.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
Did they have to go?
Speaker 3 (39:07):
No, it was only me. And from what I'm just
saying is that mom tried to bring him back onto
the family.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
She's trying to heal what happened, like as if I
could heal it. That's crazy, that's insane.
Speaker 3 (39:22):
I remember going to I remember going to a room
and I had to act out what happened because I
wasn't able to talk, and I used dolls to explain
to some I believe there was somebody from GPS, to
be honest from what I'm understanding, and I showed them
(39:43):
what happened. But that's all I remember. And then I
remember going to so many different doctor appointments to get passed,
you like, just make sure that was passed and da dah,
Like I had to go to so many doctor appointments
with mom nobody, so that was where too, like nobody
was able to go with me but her. So it's
(40:05):
like my I never had a relationship with my adopted
mom at all. She would threaten me, like, with you
going act right, you're gonna go to be sent back
to the orphan. It's okay, sign me back. What are
we going? So it was that those threats happened when
we moved to Colorado two thousand and eight, when I
(40:26):
was in eighth I was in eighth grade and then
I just she would tell me to go to my room.
So every time I got in trouble, so he'd tell
me to go to my room. So every time I
went to my room, I was not it at all
because she would force him to apologize to her. And
I'm not about to apologize to you, but I don't
(40:48):
want to cause any issues or to just eat. So
it got to a point where I was yet to
it because I was going days without eating. The org
for me, but it wasn't a huge deal for me
to go date without food in America. But it got
to a point where it when my younger sister was
(41:10):
dealing with a fansone where she was getting in trouble,
and what I would do for her. I would sneak
food for her so she can eat because I was like,
nobody's spending for her. No, I don't know, I'm nobody's
spending for her. Like why are we not going to
treat each other like we're a family. So I still
(41:32):
tell her someone stops his mom has passed away, rest
for soul. But I have not dealt with the trauma
from her because I'm just now dealing with the trauma
from the orchid. So I'm unpacking everything, like right now
while I'm writing my story. And it's hard because it's
(41:55):
like I was able to forgive my biological moms than
my back mom, and I I still don't. I still
have not forgiven my adopted mom. I am working on her.
She passed away like two it will be two years
in August, and I got invited to her. What is
(42:17):
it to her awake or whatever? And I don't think
I'm going because I need to heal before I can go. Yeah,
because she cooks me out on Mother's Day, which mothers
said to me till this day is a little salty
because I'm a mom now and she cooks me out
(42:38):
in mothers on Mother's Day. Thankfully I was engaged at
that time. She refused for me to get on my
husband's on shirt. She was for me to get a job.
She did not want me to drive Soul's Day. I
still don't drive, but I have to get over that
fear I wasn't able to work. Once she kicks me out,
(43:01):
I was like, oh whatever, I could get a job now.
So I got myself a job at college. I was
taking sixth classes and working and my husband is the
one who was helping me, like we're getting a state id.
I didn't have a state idea because of like the
longest until I met my husband and I was twenty one. Wow,
(43:23):
So stuff like that, Like she prevented me from doing things,
and it's a way of first to control, like I
wasn't able.
Speaker 1 (43:32):
It's always when you're doing something, they be leaving you
alone when you just and house chilling, but as soon
as you gotta follow, they want to be all over you.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
So it's okay.
Speaker 3 (43:43):
Yeah, So my mom was like she was a hard
working person, but I still on this day don't I
don't know why I was. I just don't, okay, So choking.
Speaker 1 (43:55):
It's so adorable. That's so Diana. So you don't, so
do you?
Speaker 3 (44:02):
You do?
Speaker 1 (44:02):
You still have relations with your siblings some of your siblings, right,
your adopt.
Speaker 3 (44:05):
Have relationship with my two favorites. Okay, with my two
favorite sisters. I talk to them every day, and I don't.
I talked to my youngest, talk to my younger sister,
talk to my younger sister here and there. But yeah,
I keep public. But I talked to my biological brother
(44:26):
every bore.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
But that's what I love that I love. And do
you still talk to what? What happened to creep?
Speaker 3 (44:32):
Well?
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Creeper?
Speaker 3 (44:34):
So I don't talk to him. I haven't seen him.
Speaker 2 (44:38):
Do they do? They still talk to him?
Speaker 1 (44:40):
Because that's that's hit their siblings too, They don't they
everybody didn't cut him off.
Speaker 3 (44:43):
Everybody cuts him off. Yeah, I don't talk to him.
I haven't seen him. I think we have a ristain
in order due for him for us or whatever. Would
that work?
Speaker 1 (44:56):
But yeah, that's that your story is so I see
why you're writing a memoir. I see why you're writing
a memoir because it is inspiring. It's crazy. It's also
just like you just have so much light though you
remind me so much of myself. Yeah right, and just
like your smile and your energy, because this is like
people see me and they're just like when I tell
them my story, like I was just sitting here listening
(45:17):
to you, and I'm just like.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
Oh my god, this is like this, this is this
how I sound.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
I don't my story because to us, you're just telling
your story because it's just like second nature just what happened.
Speaker 2 (45:28):
But like I'm just like, what, yeah, yeah, what so
it really wasn't.
Speaker 1 (45:33):
I'm like, and she has like such a bright spirit
and like you definitely don't look like what you've been through.
Speaker 2 (45:37):
But that's exactly what people say to me.
Speaker 3 (45:39):
I try. I try to be thankful. I try to
be thankful for being adopted, even though it didn't turn
out the way I wanted it to come out. So
that's how I looked at my life, Like, yes, I
went through all that, and I went through more you
will find out in the book, but I think the
(46:02):
things that I went through it has I am now
I look at life in a certain way where like
I still feel like there's hope out there for kids
to get home good homes at that for like people
in general, like people that are struggling in their life,
(46:23):
hope that they find ways to cope with it where
they don't feel like they're alone.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
Absolutely, and that's kind of like, that's why I do
my work, That's why I have my platforms, this is
why we have this podcast.
Speaker 2 (46:36):
I want people to understand that they're not alone.
Speaker 1 (46:38):
And sometimes when we have traumatic childhoods, it always feels
like nobody's story could be worse than ours. But babes,
there are people worse or stories because I'm de terrible,
but Diana, thank you so much for coming on. I
do ask every guest every week if there's one piece
of advice that they would give an adoptee in their
same situation. What's one piece of advice would give a
(47:01):
trans racial international adoptee.
Speaker 3 (47:03):
I think the advice I would give is like, if
you're going to adopt somebody that's not of your race,
please please do as much research as possible. Try to
put yourself in places where the kids can feel like
they're being king, where they feel like they're being heard,
because a lot of times we don't get heard, we
(47:26):
get rest off. And I think that it is important
for everybody to find ways to cope with thems that
they're dealing with. Because everybody has a story to tell,
like everybody. And if you want to share your story,
share your story, because your story my revene with somebody
(47:47):
that's dealing with similar things like yours, your story like
a lot of people. I'm getting your most. By the
Thank God, a lot of people can resonate with your
story or they see the real life that you had
to live through. When people don't understand or know what
other person went through until.
Speaker 1 (48:07):
They really see, until they see or read and I
and I and I appreciate that, and I appreciate you
grabbing a copy and I can't wait to read yours.
Speaker 2 (48:15):
Let me know.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
And if you ever need any help with publication, like
you know, I have a whole consulting business with with
UH with books, So if you need any and I
won't even charge it because I'll just like listen, I'll
put you on the game.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
I'm on my second book. There's a game.
Speaker 1 (48:28):
There is a game, but you know it is it
can be it for me. I didn't do it for money.
I did it before because I wanted my legacy to
be heard and I thought that it was important to
be heard going on.
Speaker 2 (48:39):
Money did come with that too. Money did come, but
I come, money came with that too. But if I didn't.
Speaker 1 (48:44):
Sell one book, it would been okay because that was
like my founder. That was like me finally saying to
the world, like this happened to me.
Speaker 2 (48:52):
And even after I die, my.
Speaker 1 (48:54):
Book will remain, It'll remain on bookshads, It'll remain in libraries.
That's my legacy. So I didn't go through all of
that for nought, right, And I didn't want to go
through all of that and survive all of that and
just like die and my story disappears. Right, So I
think it's really important for anyone. Rather you're doing it
just just to have your book or rather and then
here's another thing, if you do profit from your pain,
(49:17):
profit and walk to the fucking bank.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
I hate when people, oh my god, you're rage bating.
You're profiting off your pain.
Speaker 1 (49:22):
Yeah, yeah, so many other people profit off my pain,
so I might as well make a couple of dollars
while we add it. You only got no problem with
these agencies making sixty seventy eighty thousand dollars off our body, bitch,
I can't ask for nineteen ninety five for a soft
cover book. Now I'm a grifter because I'm selling my
own story.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
So please be inspired, Please write your book.
Speaker 1 (49:41):
I cannot wait to reach it.
Speaker 3 (49:42):
Yeah, it took me. It took a long time from
me to comforts to write it, and I started writing
Jayline and idn't okay.
Speaker 1 (49:51):
So this is some advice I would give to you
right now. Don't even worry about like the publishing part.
That'll all come later. That'll come later. Right now, give
yourself because you're a mom too.
Speaker 2 (50:01):
You get busy. You gotta work all the things a
page to yourself a day.
Speaker 1 (50:07):
Sometimes you can only do like a paragraph, but work
on it every single day for thirty minutes.
Speaker 2 (50:12):
That's what I did for both of my books.
Speaker 1 (50:15):
And then sometimes you have to take a break because
there are some times where I was talking about some
really tragic stuff and I was.
Speaker 2 (50:20):
Like, I need to take a couple of days. All
I got I can, Yeah that's and do that.
Speaker 3 (50:25):
I had to take a home.
Speaker 1 (50:26):
Yeah, dude, take those take those breaks, because what happens
is if you try to force yourself through that writing,
it's not it's not gonna come over. It's not gonna
come across the way you wanted to come across, and
then it's going to be you know, all that anger, that frustration,
that fight or flight. When you're writing, you want to
be in a healed position where you can tell the whole,
because a lot of the times where I found in
my book is like when the thing, like when sexual
(50:47):
assault or homelessness, or like any bad thing happened to me.
If I try to force myself through that writing, I
wouldn't get as detailed and descriptive as I should have,
because that's me just trying to be all right, girl,
I was raped and move on?
Speaker 2 (50:59):
No know how what was the sight? What would you
What did you smell? What did you feel? What did
you see?
Speaker 1 (51:06):
And you really have to sit in your moment of
trauma and be like what color was the sheets?
Speaker 2 (51:12):
What did were their pillows on the bed? Right?
Speaker 1 (51:15):
And that is what's going to make a grappling memoir
because it's the details. But a lot of people don't
want to focus on the details when it pertains to
their trauma because that's literally just sitting in your trauma.
Speaker 2 (51:25):
Remind like unpacking your brain, Like no, was the light on?
It wasn't light off. Now did they rape me it
once or twice? No, but it's real. It's real.
Speaker 1 (51:35):
That's what you gotta do. But no, I'm super excited. Diana,
thank you so much for coming on the podcast. And
light shinters like you say every week and like Diana
said in her experience earlier, y'all show y'all stories. That's
why my slogan has always shine your light. Always shine
your light means be light, be bright, always shine, Always
share your story because you never know you might guide.
Always shine your light because you never know who might
(51:56):
be in a dark room and your light might guide
them out of that dark room.
Speaker 2 (52:00):
Listeners, We'll see you guys for the next episode. And Diana,
thank you again. Is there any place on social media.
Speaker 1 (52:08):
In pre order? What can we do to support you?
Where can we support you?
Speaker 3 (52:11):
So I'm in passed right now. It's nice and out, okay?
Speaker 1 (52:19):
Or do you have any social medias as you want
people to kind of like follow you.
Speaker 3 (52:22):
I'm on tittalk and I join your lives every week.
I'm on tik talk, I'm on Instagram.
Speaker 2 (52:30):
What is that? What? What's what's the act? Your user name?
Speaker 3 (52:33):
Diana dra okay and spell.
Speaker 1 (52:36):
It out spell it out for the listeners.
Speaker 2 (52:40):
Diana draws perfect yep yep, yep, yep.
Speaker 1 (52:43):
Well, I will put it also in the show notes guys,
so you guys can follow Diana and I cannot wait
for that book to come out, so definitely when you
get to editing done and the publishing done, y'all make
sure you follow Diana and Diana thank you so much
again for coming on Awards of the State.
Speaker 2 (52:54):
Podcast and we'll see you next time.
Speaker 1 (52:56):
Okay, awesome, I was great.
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