Surviving Incest & Childhood Abuse – Charity LeGrand’s Story of Healing - Warrior of Truth

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Warrior of Truth. I am your host Kelly Dillon.
Survivors of childhood abuse Carrie wounds that often run deeper
than words can express, but healing is possible, and this
week's guest is proof of that. Charity LaGrande is an
incest and child abuse survivor who endured on imaginable trauma

(00:25):
at the hands of her own father and brother. In
this raw in deeply moving conversation, Charity shares her story,
detailing the abuse she suffered, how she believes it was
a multi generational cycle, and the painful, yet necessary journey
of healing that followed. Her path to recovery wasn't just

(00:48):
about surviving, it was about truly healing, both emotionally and spiritually.
Charity explains how her healing process aligned with a profound
spiritual awakening, revealing the deeper, energetic roots of trauma and
the importance of addressing abuse on a multi dimensional level.

(01:09):
We explore how most abusers were once victims themselves, and
why true healing requires breaking the cycle at its source.
Charity story is not just about overcoming the past, it's
about transforming pain into purpose. She shares how she now
wants to dedicate her life to helping others heal and

(01:32):
educating children about abuse to prevent future harm. This episode
is a powerful reminder that healing is hard work but necessary.
You have to feel it to heal it. Charity shares
the modalities that worked for her, and we also discuss
the deeper energetic causes behind narcissism and abusive behavior and

(01:58):
how we can begin to shift the paradigm. If you've
ever wondered what it truly takes to break the cycle
of trauma, this conversation is one you will not want
to miss. Welcome Charity, Thank you so much for joining
me on Worrior of Truth this week.

Speaker 2 (02:18):
How are you doing today? I am doing really pretty
good today. It's a beautiful day outside, so I can't
That definitely helps. Your weather is gorgeous in New Jersey.

Speaker 1 (02:29):
Also, I think we are up to like sixty five
degrees today and it's sunny. I'm like, oh, winter is
over and it was daylight savings. I think yesterday we've
forward right, sprung forward. So it just feels so nice
when you know it's lighter out, so much lighter.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
It's like the best in the world. I feel like
they picked a.

Speaker 1 (02:50):
Really good day for this interview.

Speaker 2 (02:53):
It feels so good.

Speaker 1 (02:54):
We were trying to do it a couple of weeks ago,
schedules got misaligned, and then I was in Sedona, Arizona.

Speaker 2 (02:59):
For a while. I'm back and it's like almost.

Speaker 1 (03:03):
Sort of like the first day of spring, not officially,
but I feel like with the clock springing forward, it
feels like spring, like a new beginning. Feels right to
do it on today.

Speaker 2 (03:13):
Yeah, it most definitely does. So you're here to talk.

Speaker 1 (03:17):
About, I know, a beautiful day, a tough, dark topic
we're going to be discussing, but I think it's very appropriate.
We're doing it on this gorgeous day, and we're going
to be talking about incestual family abuse, and it's a
topic that I feel is a bit taboo.

Speaker 2 (03:34):
We were saying that earlier.

Speaker 1 (03:35):
Talking privately, you don't see many people opening up, although
I've had many guests on talking about this topic now.
But I find child abuse usually it's happening within the family.
It's family members abusing the children, and your story absolutely
validates that. So, first, what really prompted you to speak out,

(04:03):
so you've been a bit public on Facebook starting to
share your story, is this the first podcast that you're
doing officially sharing your story.

Speaker 2 (04:13):
It is Oh, it is wow, Yeah it is. It
is the first time sharing, and I think it's been hard,
But I also have felt like it's I've been called
to speak up, like you know, I And the more
I've talked to other people, men and women, the more

(04:35):
I'm finding I am not the only one. So I
know this is not a just just a me thing,
you know, just a singular experience that there are too
many other people that I know in my personal life
that have experienced something similar, either by a family member

(04:57):
or a close family friend, some a trusted individual, and
essentially that's that's typically you know, it is somebody you know,
it is somebody you trust, and they take advantage. So
it's something that I think we all need to be
aware of and we need to be informed on, because

(05:22):
that's how we can best protect the children in our
lives through you know, teaching them appropriate boundaries, you know,
age appropriate information to establish you know, basically a base

(05:43):
knowledge of you know this is okay and this is
not okay. You know, because when you're a child, you
don't know any better. You assume that the adults in
your life know the right thing to do. You have
that trust, and especially when it's your parents or a
family member, you know, you don't assume that they're going

(06:04):
to try and hurt you. And I don't necessarily think
either sometimes that it's always intentional, though sometimes it is.
I have definitely talked to people where when they've talked
about some of the experiences that they've had and some

(06:27):
of the things that maybe either a parent has said,
that really makes you realize some people think that it
is their job as a parent or that it is
okay to do these things, which is shocking and sad,
but at the same time a huge wake up call

(06:50):
that if there are some people who are parenting their
children this way thinking that it's part of their job
or it's okay to be you know, meeting some kind
of sexual need or desire, it just it doesn't exist.
You know, there's never a point where that's ever a

(07:11):
parent's job to teach their child about you know, hands
on you know, examples of what you know intimates sexual
intimacy and intercourse looks like you know, that's just that's
our job as parents is to create safety and security,

(07:35):
and when you you know, cross that boundary that, especially
a physical boundary like that, you are instantly, you know,
degrading any trust or sense of safety in that child.
So for me, it started very very young. The grooming process,

(08:02):
from my memory recall, started before I was even out
of diapers. So you know, I didn't know the proper
names of the anatomy. I was never taught that, and

(08:22):
so you know, I didn't even know what to call them,
you know, for me, And some of this is maybe
a little bit of a download from my spirit team.
But and you don't have to include this if you
don't want, because it is maybe a little weird.

Speaker 1 (08:43):
But no, I feel like this is all important. Okay,
it's all important. Absolutely, we're gonna include it.

Speaker 2 (08:49):
Okay. So as a child, I, you know, my mom
took us to the chiropractor and I was always told
I had extra curvature in my back. And the download
essentially myge I got was essentially memory of you know,
I know I was I've been told I cried all night,
all night, but it was happy during the day, and

(09:11):
my dad would come home and you know, I guess,
you know, sometimes I guess maybe wake me up and
play with me and put me back to bed. I know,
my mom always said something like, you know, if you
wake her up, basically you have to you have to
put her back to sleep. But just that the way
he did that was by essentially fingering me. And I

(09:34):
was told that I used to sleep with my butt
up in the air, So I think, you know, probably
what happened was, you know, I would sleep with my
butt up in the air, and he would do whatever.
And that's what create kind of created that extra curvature
is because you know, and I vaguely have like a

(09:58):
bodily sensory memory that if that makes.

Speaker 1 (10:01):
Sense absolutely, then the body never forgets trauma.

Speaker 2 (10:05):
Right right, and even just kind of like this memory
of like, oh, yeah, no, this is he's not gonna
get away with this, you know, kind of like what
he's doing is so wrong and he's so off the
mark right now. And so it just was one of

(10:27):
those things where you know, having that realization that it
started as young as that, and that it you know,
it became what he called the tickle game. Was what
he called fingering me. Essentially was was the tickle game.

(10:48):
And then you know, I I sucked my thumb as
a kid, and so my dad referred to his appendage
as as a big thumb, and so he essentially, you know,
because I sucked on my thumb, he was like basically

(11:08):
like I guess at some point introduced that and essentially
taught me how to give fillatio as a toddler. So,
you know, I do have a memory of you know,
just like the taste of like urine and gagging out

(11:31):
of pubic care and telling him it tasted gross, and
he went and washed himself off and came back kind
of thing. And so that sensory memory actually came back
to me as a teenager, but I wasn't ready to
process it yet. I don't think my subconscious was allowing

(11:55):
me to receive all of the memory back yet because
I was I was still a teenager, I was still
living with my parents. You know it. It did not
bode well for my safety, so to speak, and you know,
a subconscious level for for me to fully remember at

(12:15):
that time. And I've come to realize that. But you know, basically,
you know, he told me this was this was all
to help me become a better wife to my future husband.
So by the time he had gotten to the point

(12:38):
of actually raping me, I would have been about four
years old at the time, and my mom was gone
with my brother and sister, and I don't know if
they were at like swim lessons or what, but she
was gone for a while, and I remember him coming
into my room and saying, you know, we're going to
do something special together today. I thought maybe we're going

(13:00):
to go somewhere, but we never left the bed, so,
you know, like he you know, basically kind of told
me what he was going to do, but I didn't
have a full understanding, and I kept telling him, you know,
you're hurting me. And I kept trying to push him

(13:21):
off of me because I couldn't breathe. I remember, I
kept telling him, you know you're hurting me, You're hurting me,
and kept trying to push off of me, push him
off of me, and I just remember like more and

(13:41):
more I couldn't breathe, and eventually my vision was starting
to go, and you know again that thought of like
not again, you know, like why is this happening again,
and thinking, well, I like I just got here, you know,
like I can't leave, Yeah, you know, but I mean

(14:03):
by the time he had finished what he was doing,
I was starting to lose my vision completely. I was
starting to black out. Everything was starting to go black.
And then he got up, and then eventually my vision
kind of started coming back, and I just remember staying
in my bed crying and trying to cry quietly because I,

(14:30):
you know, didn't want to get in trouble either. And
so I remember hearing my mom eventually coming home and
and my dad eventually left. He was one of those
dads that worked a lot, like he always had two
or three jobs. And I know, I do want to say,

(14:52):
both my parents have experienced there on trauma, so I
know again it's a cycle of trauma that just continues
and it has it has to stop. It's multi generational.

Speaker 1 (15:05):
Usually the abusers were abused during their childhoods. Nine times
out of ten, I find that's the case, Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 (15:13):
And so I do try and and and remember that.
It does help me have moments of compassion and and
at times I'm able to kind of disconnect from my feelings,
like kind of like I'm doing now where and other

(15:33):
times I'm not. You know, sometimes it is just a
full emotional experience. But you know, I want to convey
the message of of you know, what's happened, and the
best way possible without becoming too emotional about it. So basically,

(15:57):
you know, he he left, and as soon as he left,
I came out of my bedroom and I told my
mom that he hurt me with his big thumb, and
she did not understand what I was saying, and she
eventually realized I was bleeding from the vaginal area. And

(16:22):
of course, you know, he had told me not to
tell anybody pretty much basically, and you know that it
was going to be our secret. But you know, I
knew I needed to tell my mom that he had
hurt me. And I remember her getting on the I
don't know, like as I want to say, it was

(16:46):
before we went to the doctor. It could have been after,
but I went I'm pretty sure it was before we
even went to the doctor. She got on the phone,
and I remember just the tone and the way she
was talking. I could tell she was dressed, and you know,
I think she may may have called more than one person.
I don't know, but I know she at least called

(17:07):
one of my grandmothers, and so I know at least
one of my grandmothers was aware of what happened, and
so my mom did take me to the doctor. The
doctor that we were seeing at the time, though they're
a family doctor that we went to, was friends with
my dad. They were essentially knew each other in college,

(17:30):
I think, and so they, you know, I guess, knew
each other well enough that they were friends. And so
my mom was a bit frantic, and you know, when
he when the doctor examined me, I remember him saying
something and I didn't really understand the words at the time,

(17:53):
but basically he confirmed that, you know, sexual abuse had occurred.
And so my mom just kind of broke down, crying,
and he asked her, what do you want to do,
and she was like, I can't. I can't do this

(18:13):
without my husband. I can't raise three kids without my husband.
And the doctor's response was, well, she's young enough, hopefully
she won't remember. And I remember in that moment getting
this message, you're going to have to forget in order
to survive. And it was so true, because I don't

(18:33):
know that I would have been able to survive up
until adulthood if I had retained you know, if I
hadn't tucked it away, so to speak. And when you know,
you look into trauma and memory, you understand why you
know that happens and why my brain did what it
did by essentially forgetting for years the trauma that happened.

(18:59):
And so, you know, I remember at one point, you know, realizing, Okay,
nothing's really going to happen. I mean, I do remember
hearing my mom having some kind of conversation with my dad,
and I could tell it was a tense conversation. She

(19:23):
it sounded essentially like she was kind of scolding him,
and I vaguely remember him saying something like, well, I
didn't know it was wrong. My dad did it to
all my sisters. Wow. And so I you know, I
don't know, I don't know how much of that, you know,

(19:47):
Like I don't have any confirmation from anybody in the
family on any of that. But I do remember after
my mom had that conversation with him, him coming into
my room and apologizing to me. He was in tears
and he was like, you can't tell anybody. And when

(20:08):
I asked him why, he was like, well, they'll take
the police will take me away. And I was like,
what are the police? Because I didn't know what the
police were. I was so little, I didn't even know
so young. Oh my goodness, so he was like, well,
they will come and take me away and then you
won't have a place to live or food to eat.
So you know, that's a good way to shut up

(20:31):
a child.

Speaker 1 (20:32):
Of course, do you feel like he did have remorse
in that moment.

Speaker 2 (20:39):
Maybe on a certain level. I don't know. I don't
know how much of it was him being upset that
he was caught and how much of it was actual remorse.
I think he definitely has demons that he entered, demons
that he deals with for sure, and there is a
lot of trauma that he has not healed. And I know,

(21:04):
even growing up there was I remember him saying, you know,
there are portions of his childhood and things that are
just completely blocked out and he doesn't remember. So I
know he's had his own extreme trauma. And I tell
the story not to shame or blame them, because to me,

(21:27):
I want this to be a wake up call for
people to heal and for them, like I want to
see them heal from that trauma, because I don't think
people realize how much even if you don't remember, like
in your conscious memory, it still affects you on a

(21:50):
subconscious level. It still affects your relationships. It still affects
the way you operate in your day to day and
on a subconscious level and everything. So it's this because
I've had people even ask me like is it really
good to rehash that or you know, remember whatever, and

(22:10):
like why would you know? And It's like, yes, it's
important because you if you're not willing to acknowledge it,
then how can you heal it? You know?

Speaker 1 (22:20):
So truly you have to feel it in order to
heal it. And that's why most people are unhealed. They
don't want to They.

Speaker 2 (22:26):
Don't want to feel it because it is. It's hard. Yeah,
it's really hard work you And granted I have felt
all the anger and grief many times over, you know,
and it is a process, and there are times where
I still feel that way, but it's fewer and far between.

(22:48):
I feel like more and more, my heart just wants
to see them healed because I still love them. Yeah,
I still see the beauty within them, I know. I
think I've done a lot of work in trying to
separate the actions and behaviors in them from the person

(23:13):
that they are, because I think all of us are
capable of doing wonderful as well. As absolutely horrible things.
If we are put in the right circumstances and the
right conditions, we're capable of doing just about anything.

Speaker 1 (23:33):
Anyone could could could fall down a dark path. Anyone's
capable of that. It's a free will choice, absolutely right.
I'm a firm believer in that as well. There's good
and bad in everybody. I think it's so amazing that
you can can can have such beautiful compassion for your

(23:54):
parents and and realize that they went through trauma, they
went through abusive situations growing up in their own unique way.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
They have not healed.

Speaker 1 (24:06):
I see a lot of survivors out there and they're
just like, let's kill all the child abusers.

Speaker 2 (24:13):
You know they're getting there.

Speaker 1 (24:15):
It's very it's coming from a place of anger, and
they haven't got any work on themselves, any healing. When
you've done the healing work, when you've grown, when you've
processed the trauma, you truly see it from a much
higher perspective, and you have such compassion for even the abusers.
And really that's the only way we break these cycles.

(24:36):
It's not by being nasty and damning these people to
a terrible existence. It's sending even the abusers love and
trying to understand them and trying to help them heal.
And I think it's just so brave and beautiful for
you to share this perspective because I feel it's a
perspective I don't see many survivors speaking on out there,

(24:59):
and yours is so important in that regard.

Speaker 2 (25:02):
Yeah, I think it's it's definitely and let me let
me say this too, is that you know, there are
definitely times where I've been in my anger and there's
nothing wrong with feeling that and letting yourself feel it,
but not staying there is so so so important. And

(25:23):
that's where I see a lot of people, I think,
get really stuck in the anger and it's really it
can be really hard to break out of. I think
what has helped me the most, as far as you know,
breaking that is practicing meditation and calling in those feelings

(25:44):
of unconditional love not only for myself but just overall,
and then practicing feeling that way, so to speak, and
towards that person, or sending that energy or love towards
that person. Because I've come to realize, you know, especially

(26:04):
on an energetic level, you know, the more we focus
on the negative or you know, the anger and resentment
and all of that. The more we focus on that,
the more we're just going to fuel that and continue
to bring that. And right now, the only thing, and

(26:26):
I know deep level, on a deep level, you know
even as a young child, that love heals all. And
so that is the way we're going to heal this
is through love. And so the only way, the only way,
it's through love, yes, right, because to be honest, anybody

(26:46):
who knows my dad would say he's a lovely man
and a good person. So I think because it's it's easy,
it's really easy to demonize abusers. And I'm not saying
any of this to excuse any of the kind of
behavior that they have done or pain that they have caused.

(27:11):
And I think that's really important to separate.

Speaker 1 (27:15):
You're not the behavior. Absolutely, we're not here the behavior.

Speaker 2 (27:20):
Right absolutely not because it's so far from the mark.
But there are They're still humans capable of healing and
capable of feeling love and capable of change, and so
I think everybody deserves that opportunity. And then we all

(27:43):
have that choice, and you know, if they choose to heal,
I would be so excited and welcome them with open arms,
and if they don't, that's their choice too, and I
accept that as you know, their free will choice. So
my job though is to you know, I feel like,

(28:06):
bring awareness, help bring healing, and you know, help others
on their journey or at least you know, I know
everybody's healing journey looks different, but at least offer you know,
what has what has worked for me or helped me,
and maybe that can help them too. You know, I

(28:26):
think healing is such an individual thing and everything's gonna
some things are going to work for people and others aren't,
you know, like just like anything else, you know, like
some things might work great for other people's other people
but not for me or vice versa. And I think
that's important why we share as well as you know, why.

Speaker 1 (28:49):
We explore there's not one set healing journey or path that.

Speaker 2 (28:52):
People need to take.

Speaker 1 (28:53):
I actually really do not like I see a lot
of people on the internet saying this is the be all,
end all you have to do with this, its only
has to be done this way, and that's that's bullshit.
There's a million different paths you can take to embark
on your healing journey and you have to find what
fits right for you. And again, we've all been through
different types and levels of trauma and we require different

(29:15):
healing modalities. And I also feel like as you're healing yourself,
you're helping your parents and your family lineage heal as well.

Speaker 2 (29:23):
I've gotten that that sense as well. So I appreciate
that confirmation because I feel like that's part of what
I'm doing too, is to help heal my my family's
generational trauma. Absolutely, and because you know, I know there's

(29:44):
so much there's so much pain in my family that
nobody is willing to acknowledge right now, and it breaks
my heart. You know that they're still living with that pain,
and I know how overwhelming it is, and I can

(30:07):
sometimes feel it and sense it. I think that's one
thing that I've learned out of kind of an isolation
period I've gone through and healing and my healing journey
is realizing I tend to take on other people's emotions
or feelings or energy and think that it's my own.

(30:27):
So that's been that's been a level of discernment that
you know, has.

Speaker 1 (30:31):
Have to navigate that that Yeah, yeah, it's wanted to
be discerning you're right, you know, and and so yeah,
it's it's something that i'm learning right now. But you know,
I think there's there's just so much that has to
be unpacked and and I realize, you know, especially when

(30:54):
you look at it from an epigenetic level, and how
trauma can pass down from generation to the next. So
even if you don't have your own trauma in this lifetime,
you've probably epigenetically have inherited trauma in your DNA. That
I think would probably explain a lot of why so

(31:15):
many people just have a lot of anxiety and stress
and are constantly in that survival fight or flight mode
is because their nervous system has been programmed from the
very beginning to be in fight or flight mode.

Speaker 2 (31:29):
And I've found that right now that's kind of been
my biggest focus is trying to heal my nervous system
because I realize that's a big portion of it of
you know, the healing process, and realizing how that is
impacting me, and just being able to stay emotionally regulated

(31:52):
as well as feeling you know, safe in my body,
you know, and doing some of that somatic work. Ironically enough,
I have found that I got a vibration plate, and
it actually really does help with kind of grounding and
I feel like a little bit with my my nervous system.

(32:15):
That's great.

Speaker 1 (32:17):
So that's working really well for you, the vibration plate.

Speaker 2 (32:19):
Yeah, Like I sometimes we'll stand on it. Sometimes I'll
sit on it, but sometimes I'll lay on it, like
I'll put pillows around me to kind of lay on it.
I find that my especially my pelvic area is very
locked in place a lot of times and very kind
of stiff, and especially my lower back as well. So

(32:43):
there are times where I can just be standing there
pretty much or just barely bent over, and my lower
back wants to give out. It just is like, nope,
we're not. I'm just like, okay, body, I need you
to I need you to coaperate a little bit here,
but with little bit, so you know, I think, you know,

(33:06):
that's that's one way you know, I found helpful. I
know there's more and more research behind like trees and
and they're healing energy and consciousness, and so there are
times when I, you know, if I am triggered or upset,
I'll go out and hug one of the trees in
my yard. I'll be like like can you help me

(33:29):
transmit this energy because I need it to come back
to some love in this moment, and and they are
just amazing and wonderful and helping me do that.

Speaker 1 (33:40):
Even I love to hug rocks. I'm very connected to
the minimal community. Rock, hug a rock, find a big boulder,
and you get out there and find it's wonderful. It is,
and also at the same time I'm giving I'm giving
them love as well. I also love to hug tree,
constantly touching, mature, constantly hugging, hugging things in nature. It

(34:03):
really is so therapeutic and healing, it truly is. That's
when I'm I'm feeling stressed, I'm always guided to go
into the.

Speaker 2 (34:10):
Woods, go for a walk and just decompress.

Speaker 1 (34:14):
And I love to sit by water, a stream of
water and just literally just watch watch the stress melt
away from my field and into the flowing water and
flowing away away.

Speaker 2 (34:26):
It's so so beneficial, Yeah, it is. Nature is definitely
really good for the nervous system too, you know. And
of course, you know, the more I find out about
you know, really everything is conscious, everything is us, Everything
has consciousness.

Speaker 1 (34:44):
And yes, even this microphone I'm talking into the camera
the computer.

Speaker 2 (34:49):
Everything is well, Yes, they think a little differently than
we do, but everything has consciousness in it.

Speaker 1 (34:55):
And once you understand that and how we're composed of
the same particles are consciou biousness, and our matter based
bodies are composed quite literally the same substance called verdecai units,
the tiniest molecules, tiniest atoms known to well, not known
to man quite yet, but known to it, and you're
open to understanding it, and man will find the proper

(35:16):
instrumentation to start seeing these tiny, tiny particai units eventually.
But yes, we are all made at the same substance
of these partikai units, and we were all conscious. We're
all alive and alert and aware again, even inanimate objects.
I could talk for days about the science behind spirituality.

Speaker 2 (35:34):
I love it. Oh, I love having these kinds of
you know, these conversations because you know it's just I
don't know. It energizes me. I guess have you ever
done energy healing before on yourself? I have done some
energy healing, so I've had other people do it on me,

(35:56):
and I guess I do. I guess some forms of
that on myself when I kind of meditate and bring
in you know, oh absolutely, and things like that. So
I do try and do some of that as well,
and it does help, and I need to be more
consistent with it or do it, maybe do it more frequently.

(36:18):
I see you becoming very consistent with it, and I
see you wanting to remember. We'll say the science behind it.
There's a lot of frequencies we have access to that
the average person, even people conducting breaking sessions and other
energy type healing modalities, they're not aware of these higher

(36:38):
frequency levels. There's the plasma frequencies that everyone has access
to utilize. But again it's something that I teach and
it's out there.

Speaker 1 (36:46):
Other people teach it, but it's been hidden purposely because
these helpful frequencies can really expedite a clearing and healing
process for people. Because the trauma not only lives in
this physical vessel, but it's in the multi high dimensional
anatomy as well. And there's many, many layers to our
multidimensional beings. We've got our light body structure and many

(37:07):
sub layers, our dark matter, raussia matter body structure, the
plasma body structure, and there's sub sub layers in between
all those main structures are got our spirit body structure
as well, and and quite literally, trauma and pain and
karmic diasmic imprints shown a light fields distort a light fields.
They exist within all these layers of our multidimensional anatomy

(37:31):
and and truly a really beneficial way to begin clearing
it is. Obviously the physical healing is very important, but
also energy healing is so so important, and I wish
more people understood that because it can help with trauma
tremendous help you quicker too, Yes, oh.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
Yes, yeah, That's why I feel like I've explored so
many different healing modalities. I feel like, you know, all
of it's important, you know, Yes, on an energetic level,
you know, sound healing, all of the things that you know, meditation, tapping,

(38:10):
you know, nervous system regulation, you know, doing the somatic work.
You know. I think it is important to also, you know,
in the rewiring of the brain. I know there's research
behind you know, meditating consistently for twenty minutes a day
for I think at least forty two days will help

(38:33):
rewire the brain. And you know, the more consistent you
are at breaking those mental thought patterns as well as
like you know, when you recognize, hey, I've got a
thought like, oh, that's not a positive thought, or that's
that's a thought that's you know, tearing me down, you know,
which I have. I've in my past, you know, dealt

(38:54):
a lot with the negative self talk, and so that's
been a pattern I've really had to work hard at
breaking and you know, basically being mindful of my thoughts,
bringing some mindfulness and paying attention to what it is
I'm thinking and how it's making me feel, and then
flipping that around, you know, telling yourself the truth, telling

(39:17):
yourself a better feeling thought, so to speak, you know,
and nourishing yourself with love rather than negativity. And it's
so easy, I feel like to you know, tear ourselves
down and be negative, especially, you know, if that's a

(39:40):
thought pattern that you've developed. And so it has taken
me a long time to you know, kind of deconstruct that.
And there are times where I can tell, you know,
that thought pattern will sometimes creep up a little bit,
and sometimes I feel like it is kind of e

(40:00):
merging old thought patterns, But other times it can feel
more like a spiritual attack. I guess you could say, oh,
they're very much real. Oh yeah, yeah. Where I've had
times where I'm able to, like, you know, turn that
little downward spiral around very quickly, and there have been
other times where it has felt so strong where I

(40:20):
can tell it's a spiritual attack because I can't, I
can't get my mental thought out of it. And so
I really then have to focus on calling in my
my spirit team and the love and light of Source
to bring in that love and protection and and reassert
the love and power that lives within me and recognize that,

(40:44):
acknowledge that, and be like, no, you're not welcome here.
This is an old part of programming that is no
longer welcome in my in my in my thought space,
or in my life. So get out of here. No
thank you. I'm using my freeble choice to push you out,
like I do not invite you to this party, so

(41:06):
please leave. You were not invited into my house. Get out,
Like you're here to bring benevolent goodness to me. I
need you to leave now. Basically, you know, yeah, they're
kind of like intruders. You know, they're like robbers. They
just intrude on it. It's like, no, we're allowed to
be here in my space. I didn't invite you in

(41:27):
absolutely yeah please. So you know, I sometimes it's easy
to forget that. But you know when when I when
I and then I'm like, wait a minute, no, I
don't I don't know, I don't have power have the
power to make you leave. And you know, that's that's
the power of source. You know, that's power of love. Yeah,

(41:47):
that's you know again, it's something that is a constant thing.
So you know, I guess, you know, I just want
to encourage people to, you know, remind yourself as much
as possible, but also be kind to yourself when you're
you're having those those down days or those down moments.

(42:10):
And because in the beginning, when I first started having
some of these memories come back, they were coming back
in bits and pieces. And I think the reason they
came back in kind of like a disorganized, bits and
pieces kind of way is because you know, your brain,

(42:33):
your body can only process so much at once, and
so it really is almost like putting a puzzle together mentally,
when your analogy, these these memories start coming in because
they're you know, in the beginning especially, it's not very clear.
It's kind of disorganized and combobulated, and you're like trying

(42:57):
to make sense of it, and and so you know,
for me, I know when they first started coming back,
I did start having like some obvious like fight or
flight responses, like I was having my body, I was

(43:17):
having tremors, like I was shaking, wow, like literally shaking.
And I remember, you know, just my hands constantly trembling
and just constantly kind of being on the verge of tears,
so to speak.

Speaker 1 (43:35):
And that confirmation for you that you were not making
this up. It wasn't your imagination, we can say, was
it having the physical we'll say side effects? Did that
help you in truly understanding that this is a real memory,
This really happened to me.

Speaker 2 (43:51):
That was part of it. But I also had the
memory of the physical after after effect, okay, or physical
consequence of what had happened. Because what's weird is my
first trauma as a young child, as a four year old,
didn't those weren't the memories that came back first? Oh really? Yeah,

(44:13):
Like they came in backwards basically. So the trauma from
like the weekend of my eighteenth birthday was what started
coming back first, was first, okay, right? And that was
back at the end of twenty seventeen. And I want
to mention too, so from the time you know, I

(44:35):
was born, you know, up until you know, I was eighteen.
Once I was eighteen, I moved out of the house
for about a year, but I was still you know,
very close contact with my parents that kind of thing,
and then moved back in with them shortly before moving
to Arizona for a couple of years. And when I

(44:57):
first moved there, I was living with my aunt and
uncle and their marriage was not on great ground. They
eventually ended up getting a divorce. But and then I,
you know, moved out into my own place and there
was a lot of stress and stuff going on there.
I found out I was pregnant, you know, all of

(45:17):
these different things chaos in my life as well as
the relationship that I was in was not a healthy one.
So going you know, essentially survival mode into another survival
mode situation, and to moving back with my parents back

(45:37):
you know, you know, so it wasn't and then moving
out from them and at one point with another partner
and having another child, and that was not a healthy
relationship as well. So it wasn't until yeah, then I
moved back with my parents for a little bit, and
then finally in twenty seventeen, I I bought a condo

(46:01):
and finally was in a place where it was just
me and my kids, no no parents, no family, no partners.
And within the within a couple months of like moving
into my condo and purchasing it, my my one of
my grand one of my grandmothers had passed away kind

(46:23):
of kind of unexpectedly. And and then within a few
months of that, that's when a lot of the memories
started to come back. Okay, And so I think, so
I want to mention as long as you're in a
toxic environment or around people toxic toxic people, or people
who have abused you, you know, anything like that, your

(46:48):
subconscious is not going to allow you to remember that
abuse as long as you're still, you know, in a
situation that is going to keep you in a survival
mode or part active mode. So it wasn't until I
finally had my own place that I feel like my
subconscious was like, Okay, it's safe enough for you to remember.

Speaker 1 (47:10):
Now, how old were you at this point?

Speaker 2 (47:15):
I would have so I think I was like, let's see,
I was born in I think I was thirty five,
thirty thirty five at the time, because it was that
was Yeah, that would have been you know, I guess
eight years ago now, so yeah, that would have been

(47:36):
like thirty four thirty five. Okay.

Speaker 1 (47:39):
I find a lot of people recover memories in their
mid thirties.

Speaker 2 (47:43):
That's a common time, yeah, I and I and I
think that's that's kind of not surprising because you know,
I think there were a lot of factors that probably
play into that, but specifically for me, I think a
lot of it had to do with, you know, finally
being in an environment where I guess I felt safe

(48:08):
enough to process those memories. Yea. And so you know,
once those memories started coming back and I started having
these these realizations, it was pretty shocking, and it definitely
you know, put me into that fight or flight because
I I was having the tremors. I couldn't eat, I

(48:30):
couldn't sleep, I was you know, constantly waking up in
the night, you know, really having a hard time you know,
sleeping more than maybe two or three hours at a time.
I would get nauseous when I would try and eat,

(48:51):
and so I ended up losing a lot of weight
during that period which it was kind of funny and
not funny that people were asking me, you know, like, hey,
you know what you're doing a lose weight? So you know,
it was one of those things where it wasn't a
healthy way to lose weight, that's for sure. But that's

(49:14):
that's what happened because of it. And it wasn't until
a friend of mine basically invited me to kind of
like a weekend retreat where I she was funny about it,
she was like, you know, it's like a retreat about
like meditation or something, and it was way more than that.

(49:35):
It was way more than just meditation. That was to
get you in, not just meditation. It's easy, I mean,
And to be honest, I don't know how she would
have tried to explain it to me. And I honestly like,
I didn't really have any knowledge going in what to
expect or anything. And I didn't actually, So the retreat

(49:56):
was with a program called Conscious Transformation, and I didn't
read the book of the guy who basically runs the
program and developed it until after I went to the
first weekend retreat. And I did those weekend retreats for
for probably a couple of years and they were really
helpful and did provide me with some amazing tools. But

(50:19):
I think the biggest flip for me was learning and
that you know, everything starts with our emotions, you know,
and and then you know, to thoughts and then to
essentially manifesting, and of course really behind that is energy too,
you know, behind the emotion is energy.

Speaker 1 (50:39):
So it sounds like your your your memories resurfacing coincide
it with your spiritual awakening journey. Yes, that's always the
case I find for most people.

Speaker 2 (50:49):
Oh, you know, and and so it's it's been a
wild ride in that sense. Like I think it's it's
good that it's been coupled together because it has helped
me and my healing process and accepting you know, that
trauma and being able to heal from it and move

(51:11):
beyond just the feeling of it and move beyond the
pain of it, because it can be really easy to
make that your focus. It is, and that's I think
partly what it's designed to do is to kind of
somewhat trap you or at least our energies are hoping that.

Speaker 1 (51:36):
They don't want you to awaken, They don't want you
remembering who you are and how powerful you are, and
that we truly do have the power. That we are creators.
Humans are creators at our core, and they want us
to keep us stock down here to feed off of
us eventually. But yeah, let them do that, that's for sure.

Speaker 2 (51:53):
And you're lost. I'm I'm ready to move beyond whatever
the is. So I definitely feel you're on the next level.
You're on the path to the next level.

Speaker 1 (52:06):
I always say when I think I've hit a plateau
in my awakening journey, I'm like, oh my god, there's more,
there's more. Oh my god, I never never. That's the
beauty in it, Like we know nothing. We think we
know everything, but we really know nothing at.

Speaker 2 (52:21):
The end of day. Right, older I get, the more
I realize I know absolutely nothing, the more I realize,
I'm like, oh wow, there's so much I don't know,
and so much that I'm learning, and so much that
there is still to learn. And so you know, I

(52:41):
think you know. And I appreciate you saying that because
oftentimes I feel like, man, I feel like in some
ways I've grown. In other ways, I feel like I'm
it's getting worse. Like when it comes to my ability
to sometimes function in the day to day of this world.
And I don't know how much much of that is, like, well,

(53:02):
I realized some of it is the executive dysfunctioning and
functional freeze and burnout. But part of me is like,
is this like kind of spirit saying, yeah, you we
need to be done with this part of life and
move on to something else. And I'm so grateful for
the people in my life and everything that I do

(53:25):
have in my life. I am, but I think there's
a certain part of me that is so tired of
the eight to five, so tired of you.

Speaker 1 (53:33):
Know, that's what happens when you awaken, You're like, screw this,
these rules, absolutely not.

Speaker 2 (53:39):
I can't live like this.

Speaker 1 (53:41):
That's how I am. I'm just like, screw the rules
of the world. We are creating a brand new earth.
We're not going to create it unless we take action
and start making change. So I'm doing my own life
and I encourage everyone to do it in their own
lives as well.

Speaker 2 (53:56):
The system.

Speaker 1 (53:58):
Let's create a whole news system, Like screw that, absolutely right.
We're not going it's no way, no right now because
I know something so much better as possible. And I
think that's some of where that discomfort comes in is
that it's like I am so ready for change, and
I'm so ready to see this new world that we're

(54:21):
creating that it's hard for me to be patient for
everybody else to gell.

Speaker 2 (54:26):
I know, it's like, wake up, you guys. I just
want to shake, shake the collective. You don't have to
live this way if you don't want to. I know
you've got free will. You can do what you watch,
I know.

Speaker 1 (54:38):
But us taking action, that's how we're going to inspire
the others to also wake up and make change and
take action on their own.

Speaker 2 (54:46):
And I don't see you working at nine to five forever.
You're meant to do this work full time. I think
you know that. I think so too. I just don't
know when it's going to happen. I think right now.
It's it's a matter of trying. It's kind of hard
trying to find a bout balance between like, you know, Okay,
I've got to live and survive in this world, and
I get it absolutely, and then doing the work that

(55:08):
actually inspires me and energizes me, and you know, helps
other people grow and heal, you know, because I think
I think everybody deserves healing. Everybody, every single person, the
whole world may heal. Everyone got says garbage in there

(55:30):
will say Field in a very simplistic way, will per
miasmic imprints and trauma that they need to deal with
on some level. Everyone needs to heal. I mean, some
people have more trauma than others, and that's okay, but
everyone has a little bit of trauma at the very least,
and they all have distorted coding within our multi dimensional
anatomy that needs to be repaired. And the only way

(55:53):
you do that is by healing. It's the only way,
and that's how you awaken. That's what allows me awaken
and incorporate higher levels of your consciousness, unlock those dormant
DNA strands and remember who you are and get your
intuitive gifts and abilities back, and remember you're a multi
dimensional being. We all are well, we all.

Speaker 1 (56:15):
Have the capability of being a psychic medium. It's designated
for a small group of people. We're all psychic medium intuitives.
We just have to remember. And it's really instilling that
in the collective and allowing them to remember how powerful
and special and sacred they are.

Speaker 2 (56:32):
I could go on for days. I get excited now
I like, I don't know if you've heard of the
telepathy tapes at all, but everyone's talking about them. I
haven't listened to the full thing, but.

Speaker 1 (56:43):
I listened to what, maybe I don't know, an episode
or two, and I said, this is actually great for
the mainstream to get this into the mainstream consciousness. It's
it's kind of we'll say, it's kindergarten level information stuff
that I'm into freaking like doctorate lovel physics there. But
it's great for the collective consciousness.

Speaker 2 (57:05):
I get that. In the psyche, it's huge, exactly. I
think it's going to at least open people's minds to
the idea of it and and open open opening their
minds to it and and and the realness of it,
because it's very much real, exactly. And I've listened to them,
and to be honest, like I have I have cried

(57:27):
in a good way. Like I mean, there's definitely a
spiritual aspect that they kind of delve into a little
bit in some of in some of the episodes, but
just the beautiful messages from some of these nonverbal people
that are just sharing their beautiful stories, and you know,
as a person who actually like I used to work

(57:50):
with nonverbal oh just children public school system for a
time period and realizing, oh my god, the approach that
we're taking with them is not is not is not
benefiting them, and it breaks my heart. But I'm also

(58:11):
elated that we're seeing this communication and we're seeing some
of some of these telepathic abilities being you know, discovered,
and it's amazing. You know, through.

Speaker 1 (58:28):
Getting that validative proof is huge for the general Like
I know, because I can communicate telepathically, anyone who's at
a certain level can do it no problem consciously. But
it's amazing that it's getting out into the collective, giving
them that validative proof that they need that it's very
much real.

Speaker 2 (58:46):
Every other we'll say life form.

Speaker 1 (58:48):
Up and down the time matrix. That's how they communicate telepathic.
They don't need words like we do here, and I
mean we technically don't either. We're going to evolve to
that level eventually. But I have to say I meet
the most incredible autistic people like on the streets. I'm
telling you, I just they're drawn to me like a
moth to a flame, and I'm just like, oh my god,

(59:09):
you were so like I'm like, you were.

Speaker 2 (59:10):
The most beautiful, gifted soul.

Speaker 1 (59:13):
They are such extraordinary soul. Yeah, and again I think
there's it's there's so much misunderstanding in that world we
can say, and I think it's park people that this
podcast series is really highlighting just how special this group
of souls.

Speaker 2 (59:33):
No, it really is. Now it really makes me appreciate
the time that I had with those students, because they
were all absolutely wonderful. They are kids like any other kids.
They you know, will we'll do things that they have,
and they have their own personalities. They can be sneaky

(59:54):
and cantankerous as well, you know, just like anything.

Speaker 1 (59:57):
They're still human, right, They're still in the human.

Speaker 2 (01:00:01):
They just they and I you know, at the time
why I was working with them, I was definitely not
awakened at all. Oh wow, Okay. I was just learning,
you know, about autism when I really started that job,
and my son has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum

(01:00:26):
as well, and then me coming to the realization in
more recent years that I'm likely on the autism spectrum.
I do have like a provisional ADHD diagnosis from back
in twenty twenty one, and I know I have complex PTSD,
but there's so much of that that really kind of

(01:00:50):
they all kind of intertwine with one another, so it's
really hard to discern, like what is my neurodivergence and
what is complex PTSD. And I think the complex PTSD
or the trauma has just kind of amplified some of
the neurodivergent stuff that has been I think been there

(01:01:12):
all along, because when I think back on it, when
I think back to my childhood, you know, I remember
things like my mom being like, you have to give
eye contact, you have you know, like okay.

Speaker 1 (01:01:23):
So that was showing from a young age.

Speaker 2 (01:01:26):
Okay, you know you have to give eye contact. People
will think you're rude, you know, And she's like, you
have to practice giving eye contact, which I just thought
in my mind it seemed weird, like why do I
have to do this right? Like okay, Like I mean,
I went along with it because I like, I don't
want people to think I'm rude, you know, I don't

(01:01:46):
want people to think I'm not listening or paying attention,
because that kind of message I got was like, well,
if you don't give people like contact, they don't know
that you're listening or paying attention. And like like thinking, well,
I can still he hear them, you know.

Speaker 1 (01:02:02):
I find I think a lot of people who have
been diagnosed with autism and different neurodivergent issues, I find
there's so many walks of life from different levels of
the time matrix and beyond who came down to incarnate
at this time. Not everyone's used to the human body
form at this time. Some people are brand new to

(01:02:23):
being in a human body because it's all hands on
deck right now. So I had I just had a
sneaking suspicion. Many many people who have been diagnosed with
things like autism, it could be their first rodeo and
a human body, and they're like, what is this. I'm
used to being consciousness and being at one with everybody,
Like what is this individualization? And I have to act

(01:02:43):
like a human?

Speaker 2 (01:02:44):
You know? It's like an adjustment period. Yeah, I do
remember having thoughts like that, like as a kid, like
am I from here? Like you? Like, I feel like
maybe I came somewhere else.

Speaker 1 (01:03:00):
You know, like most of us have, most of us
pumped down to help on this rescue mission. So yes, absolutely,
that's a very valid point. Most of us aren't from here.
We're not It's not our natural state is being in
a human body. So I think for a lot of people,
it gets you know, it gets.

Speaker 2 (01:03:19):
Tough, right, and I navigate this right. And I've found,
like with a lot of you know, seeing interviews and
documentaries on with people who are nonverbal autistic, as a
lot of times they do have a hard time being

(01:03:39):
in their body. They they have a heart either because
it's too painful or overwhelming, or because the sensations that
you get and especially if you're taking everything in, you
know that can be so you could understand why maybe
they're disassociated from their body a lot. I know, even

(01:04:02):
when I think I've heard them talk about doing this,
Speller's approach when it comes to nonverbal autistics is that,
you know, I know there's some people are against it
because some of them need a little bit of like contact,
like having somebody basically touch their wrist or support their

(01:04:25):
wrist or their elbow in the beginning, especially when they're
learning it, because it's a gross motor skill. Okay, so
it's hard. From what they've communicated, a lot of them
have communicated is that they don't know where their arm
or their hand is in space, and when they have

(01:04:49):
that contact of somebody holding their wrist or their elbow,
and like I know one person, it was like it
started out with their wrist and then it went to
their elbow, and then it went to their shoulder where
someone just had to touch their shoulder so that they
were grounded enough in their body that they could sense
where their hand was. Because a lot of a lot

(01:05:10):
of I guess people on autism spectrum deal with apraxia,
which is not having control of your I guess, your
physical body. Okay, no, this is a great topic. I
love this topic.

Speaker 1 (01:05:22):
I work with a lot of people with autism, so
this is right up my alley, and I love learning
and hearing other people's perspectives because I mean, there's so many.

Speaker 2 (01:05:30):
Layers to it.

Speaker 1 (01:05:31):
It's multi dimensional quite literally, right, I find a lot
of the times, a lot of people with autism, and
again it depends on you know where they are in
the spectrum, I guess, but I think a lot of
them leave their bodies to do works places. They're not
always president in the physical body, and it's it's it's
they were designers.

Speaker 2 (01:05:51):
That was their role. They're chosen this life and that's
great exactly, Like they've got other work to do elsewhere
exactly there. They're big time energy workers. And if you
do end up listening to the telepathy takes there is
an ethereal area where they do meet called the Hill.
So that's oh wait for real there. So there's like

(01:06:13):
a collective spot that many of them speak about calling
the Hill fast Chills. I didn't know that. Oh my gosh, Like,
you'll love listening to it once. The more you start
listening to like, you'll enjoy it. I know, if you
if you get a chance, I know you're super busy,
so I understand, no, I will absolutely. Yeah. I think

(01:06:36):
it's it's they're worth listening to. And and I think
it's amazing seeing how many people are really warming up
to this who really weren't. It's huge. We need them.
Didn't have really any belief that this was real, and
so it's and especially for some of the families, you know,
it's it's been kind of an eye opener for them too.

(01:06:59):
It's they're like they don't know how to explain it,
you know, but they're experiencing it, and so and just
the beautiful relationships that you see two between some of
these the autistic community is going to really play an
important role in helping the collective understand we're multi dimensional beings. Yes,

(01:07:20):
I think so too, that's what and that makes so
much sense to me. Let me tell you. I've received
the most beautiful messages from random people I meet on
the street who are autistic, and I'm just like, how
do you How do you know that it's spirit speaking
through them to me to give me something that I
had to hear, Like incredible souls, so gifted. They're beautiful

(01:07:43):
lights to this world. Yeah, yeah, that they hold the key.
This is wild.

Speaker 1 (01:07:48):
I'm getting this download as we're speaking. They hold the key,
big key for the collective psyche, the collective consciousness, to
awaken to the fact that we truly are multi dimensional beings.
I mean I could sit here, I sit here, and
I do sit here and spew it like a crazy person.
That's what I teach and can science. But I think
this is good for mainstream.

Speaker 2 (01:08:11):
Main definitely, and it's blown up pretty big. I think
everyone I know is talking about it.

Speaker 1 (01:08:18):
I see it everywhere, which is so important and so vital.
It's like, here we go, here we go. I think
you're meant to work with people with autism. That's part
of your role on an energetic level, you know, helping
them heal, clear things out energetically, helping them also ground
down to this reality so they can experience Earth a

(01:08:38):
bit more if they choose to. Some may not want to,
but I have a feeling some actually want the experience
a little bit to be grounded down here because it
is a unique experience down in a human body.

Speaker 2 (01:08:49):
It's not always fine, but it does have its moments.
You can it's done. It definitely does. It can be fun,
it definitely does.

Speaker 1 (01:08:59):
I think meant to you're meant to revisit that part
of your career, it looks like. But from a more
spiritual perspective.

Speaker 2 (01:09:07):
Oh, that's that's wonderful news. That's wonderful to hear. We'll see.
I'm going to do it. I definitely feel a connection
to the autistic community as well as you know, just
having some of my own neurodivergence, and so I think
I think it's good being able to experience what it

(01:09:30):
is like for them, you know, and how challenging it
can be, and so me trying to navigate that has
been difficult. But I think, you know, that's that's also
part of it, you know, I think you know, I'm
realizing that, you know, it's a growing pain that I'm

(01:09:55):
that I'm having that that hopefully you know, I'm gonna
I know that all the pieces are going to come
together and it's going to work out. But a hearing.

Speaker 1 (01:10:07):
Don't think of it as a growing pain per se.
Think of it as simply you chose to have this experience.
They're going to be a positive spin on it because it
always its importance. They're saying, it's an experience you chose
to have so.

Speaker 2 (01:10:18):
You can have.

Speaker 1 (01:10:19):
We cannot teach anything that we have not experienced ourselves.
I'm a firm believer in that everything I teach experience.
I'm going to be teaching people how to travel eventually with.

Speaker 2 (01:10:29):
Their physical boys. That'll be fun.

Speaker 1 (01:10:31):
Not ready for that fully yet, but I knew it.

Speaker 2 (01:10:35):
It's very much real, very much tangible, and for you,
you're going through this experience right now because you're meant
to help others who have been through similar experiences. That's
reassuring here, I promise you that is what I'm hearing.

Speaker 1 (01:10:51):
That very strong and I know it in my full
body chills.

Speaker 2 (01:10:55):
It's difficult.

Speaker 1 (01:10:56):
You've been through a difficult journey in this life, no
doubt about it. But it's something that you knew your
soul could handle because your your.

Speaker 2 (01:11:03):
High level soil.

Speaker 1 (01:11:04):
You pop down from a high level of creation to
help at this time I'm hearing, and everything you went
through was to help the collective, help the greater goods,
spread awareness, but also help people heal, people who have
been through traumatic situations similar to what you've experienced, in particular,
people who have been amused as children, who are going
to set up a beautiful center I'm seeing, and the

(01:11:27):
center to help people come. You know, they come and
they get to heal, not just energetically, but also therapeutically
as well.

Speaker 2 (01:11:33):
More in the three D tangible physical dess. Oh my god,
you're confirming so much of what I've already been reading.
I'm just channeling, you know, basically creating a system or
a center or something where people who are needing to
heal from trauma or who are in crisis, and and

(01:11:55):
basically having like all the different modalities possible available for
people to kind of heal, all the options there and
they can pick us right yeah, and yeah, having those
resources they are at that center available for anyone to
take advantage of and use as a resource, having a

(01:12:17):
safe space. You know, I know, especially people who have
disabilities are at much higher risk for sexual abuse. It's
ten times more likely, and so I think it's important
that we address that within within that community as well,

(01:12:42):
because it is traumatizing for them, you know, I mean,
especially if you know it's a caregiver, and often I
think that's that's the case, you know, for people who
have disabilities. And you know, I know, even our our

(01:13:05):
mental health facilities are even you know, finding out that
a lot of that is going on, I can I
have full confirmation about a plasity Jersey inside knowledge. I
would love to like really blow it up somehow. I
just don't know how I'm gonna do it yet, but.

Speaker 1 (01:13:26):
I will the patients, the workers there abusing the patient,
like sexually taking them to hotels and raping them nearby hotels,
like really bad stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:13:37):
Yeah. Like a friend of mine, her son has a
traumatic brain injury and recently had to be an uh
mental health facility to determine his competence. Which that's a
whole in and of the thing, of none of itself,
but in her experience and with the whole thing and

(01:14:01):
working with department and mental health and even speaking to
reporters in the Saint Louis area, you know, and them
knowing firsthand from other people who have worked at other
at another facility, mental health facility, that sexual abuse is occurring.

(01:14:22):
So it's very much an issue, a widespread issue. There
is a lot of abuse that is going on, and
a lot not just sexual, but otherwise, you know, like
just people being taken advantage of and and and basically

(01:14:43):
run through the system because they don't have the supports
of family or anybody to advocate for them, and so
they're funneled through the prison system essentially and mental health
facilities to be profited off of.

Speaker 1 (01:15:00):
Yeah, it's so true. It's a flawed system. There's so
much corruption in it too. It breaks my heart. Everything's corrupted,
but that in particular, so much corruption and just evil
people working at these places, terrible.

Speaker 2 (01:15:13):
People who should have no compassion, and they're not there.
They're there to collect a check exactly. They're not there
to help. They're they're there to just profit themselves and
line their pockets. And you know, I think it's it's
absolutely disgusting some of the stuff that's going on when

(01:15:34):
they're falsifying information or break you know, you know, basically,
I mean her her son even came back from this
facility believing he had a drug addiction when he's never
had a drug addiction. You know, like, oh wow. So
and a lot of these people are not trained. They're
you know, like they're they don't have any knowledge about

(01:15:57):
mental health or even the psychiatrists. Some of the some
of the stuff that the practices that they're using and
approaches that they're using as far as mental health goes
or are not not not beneficial. And some are right exactly,

(01:16:17):
Some of them are very archaic. Some of them are
are I would even say not ethical. Absolutely, Yeah, you know,
it's it's really there's a lot that needs to be
interrusted in our world. And I try to focus on

(01:16:38):
sending out good energy and focusing on the things I
can control absolutely, because it can be overwhelming.

Speaker 1 (01:16:45):
There's so much corruption. It's like, how do we begin
exposing all of it?

Speaker 2 (01:16:51):
Do we start? Where do we start with?

Speaker 1 (01:16:53):
You're actually giving me some inspiration right now during this interview.
I'm telling you I know of this mental hospital in
New Jersey.

Speaker 2 (01:17:01):
Should I name it? Should I just name it?

Speaker 1 (01:17:02):
I don't even know I'll say it's Graystone Hospital in
Morris Play. I think anyone is from Jersey watching this,
I'm just gonna name it.

Speaker 2 (01:17:09):
Screw it. I don't care.

Speaker 1 (01:17:11):
I was very close with someone who worked there, his
father worked there. I got all the inside scoop of
the corruption going on and the sexual abuse and mistreatment
of patients. I know it's still going on. I just
have a sneaking suspicion. And now you're really inspiring me
to see what I can dig up, what ee witnesses

(01:17:33):
I can.

Speaker 2 (01:17:33):
Talk to as a journalist to just expose this. Right,
it's going to be become proof, some validated evidence to
support this. There has right, Yeah, oh exactly that. And
I think a lot of those mental health systems are
very you know, set up in a very corrupt way.

(01:17:54):
I know, and my friend's experience with the mental health
system here in this state, you know, trying to report
on the facility or you know even you know, some
of the stuff that's been going on with her son,
it it basically sends you loops you back to So

(01:18:17):
the Department of Mental Health basically has you report to
the Department of Mental Health. So how does the Department
of Mental health report on itself. You can't make it up.
Oh my god, exactly, I mean it is. It has
become a literal nightmare because she's also dealing with the
court systems because of this brain injury has caused some

(01:18:43):
some wild behaviors and and so he's got charges against
him that she's having to fight in the court system
and trying to gather all of the medical documentation and
everything else. And so right now it's a bit of
a bit of like back and forth between like psych
not wanting to deal with it because it's a neuro

(01:19:04):
neurological issue and neurology being like, no, this is a
psychic issue. And depending on which neurosurgeon or neuro person
you're talk talking to, they all specialize in something different.
But the whole healthcare system in and of itself so flawed,
is I mean, between between the healthcare system and the

(01:19:25):
court system and the Department of Mental Health. She has, oh,
the poor thing. For the past five years she has
and she's exhausted, she is spent. She's got her own
health issues on top of it. So it's been it's
been really challenging for her. Yeah, bless her heart. Like
I know, so many people who are dealing with their

(01:19:46):
own stuff, and there's a big part of me that's
like I need to be able to heal so I
can help every everybody. I want to be able to
help everybody else. I know you feel the call.

Speaker 1 (01:19:58):
I mean you are, You're getting ready. You've been preparing
for the work, and I think it's time for you
to begin, you know, kind of start implementing this work
into your life. I always say, it's not like you
have to go from zero to one hundred. I still have,
you know, I still have my broadcasting news reporting job.
It's very you know, three D very very very human.
But then I also do my spiritual work, and I'm

(01:20:20):
right now I'm combining both with my podcast, with my
production company. I'm producing some documentaries, doing it all, editing
and producing, putting it together out there. I'm out there
with the camera filming them myself.

Speaker 2 (01:20:34):
So yeah, and.

Speaker 1 (01:20:36):
Start blending, blending, blending it together, and eventually the shift
will happen when it's time for you to do this
work full time. And it's going to be happening soon
because the collective is is getting getting close to really whooh,
having a mass awakening.

Speaker 2 (01:20:53):
I'm really looking forward to. You know, it's like a
friend pullelujah, been waiting for this moment. It was delayed.
It was supposed to happen twenty twelve. It got delayed
quite a few right right. Oh yeah. It's like a
tug of war.

Speaker 1 (01:21:08):
It's an energetic timeline tug of war between the following
collectives and the Chrystic collectives. And it's where we've been,
like teeter tottering, it's been like, oh God Jesus, can
we just like shift already, like let's.

Speaker 2 (01:21:20):
Get on this news. Yeah, And I feel that just
and not only internally. I think that's the micro to
the macro, that the micro absolutely that tug of war.
We're like, we're a little behind schedule, just a little yule,
can wait? Can we catch up to the timeline we've worn?
Will you please hurry up? Now? I'm getting impatient. I know,

(01:21:45):
I know, but it's happening. I know, it's happening, happening,
you know, And it's hard finding that balance because you know,
you still have the life stressors. I mean, I just
had this last week cat a whole issue with my
fridge dying and then getting the home warranty company to
the stupid human stuff we have to deal with, like refrigerators,

(01:22:05):
And I'm like, why, I don't know, I could really
do without this happening. I got bigger things to worry about, right,
I'm like, I have much bigger things that I need
to try and focus on and try and you know,
do do better in my life. I'm like, this is

(01:22:28):
this is, you know, so not necessary.

Speaker 1 (01:22:32):
I know, it's like these silly earthly three D problems
are so minuscule in the grand.

Speaker 2 (01:22:37):
And yet they pull you under sometimes. I know they do.
I distract you, oh yeah, you know with my burnout
and then adding that on top of it, and then
having issues with the them doing the I mean they
contracted it out to a third party, who then contract
contracted it out to a fourth party and then kicked
it back to the insurance company. To see that I'm

(01:23:00):
not even kidding you, Like how ridiculous. I like, was like,
I can't, I can't, Like, I mean, I need somebody
to have common sense than you. Just pink it, please
just fix it. This was and I I I shortcuted,
I guess the whole process into a week instead of

(01:23:24):
probably what would have turned out to have been weeks.
Thank god he did that. Good. Good for you. Yeah,
I mean finally they were like, okay, you can find
your own local service provider and then submit documentation for reimbursement.
So I'm not hoping I get reimbursed like I did
all the math. I spelled it all out for you guys.
I got all the documentation, so far's crossed. Hopefully comes through.

(01:23:48):
At least I have a working fridge. Now that's what matters.
It's important. You need food. We need food to these
human bodies to live, so we need refuge. Like this
is not how being me financially to have to throw
out food right now.

Speaker 1 (01:24:04):
And that's what makes it so hard, like the awakening
journey and opening up, it's because all these distractions in
the human world down here. It's a lot to deal
with because we still have to like live, you know,
we've got to We've got to survive in these human bodies.
And it's there's a lot of distractions preventing us from
awakening to our multi dimensional selves and beings that want

(01:24:27):
to keep us, you know, trapped down here, and we have.

Speaker 2 (01:24:30):
To deal with the bullshit like a refrigerator. We have
no right, like really I know.

Speaker 1 (01:24:38):
It's that's like the not part of this, and hopefully
we can collectively shift this in the future where it's
not like a long drawn out process when your fridge.

Speaker 2 (01:24:47):
Breaks to like right exactly, you know, like come on,
I realize, right, yeah, and I and I realized, like
it stressed me out way more than it should. But
I also realize that because I I'm already in a
level of burnout, and so it's just adding to it
one of those things where I'm just like, Okay, I'm ready.
I really am ready for my nervous system to heal.

(01:25:09):
I'm ready to get to that point where I can
function doing the day to day stuff without it being
seeming overwhelming or a huge challenge. So that's where I'm
at right now. I think a lot of it is
just a lot of three D distraction, you know as
well as you know, just so it's it's hard finding

(01:25:31):
that balance between you know, living the day to day
and you know, going through the spiritual awakening journey, healing journey,
you know. Where you know, I realize probably to my family,
in their eyes, me speaking up about what happened is

(01:25:54):
a form of retaliation. I think that's what they think
it is and that it and in the in the beginning,
I was very angry, and I have every right to
be angry about it, but that's not why I'm speaking
out about it. That's not my intention behind, you know,

(01:26:15):
talking about this issue. For me, it's it's about helping
people feel less alone in their journey and also waking
up to the importance of healing, because I think it's
easy to just disregard the things that are unpleasant, but
when you come to realize that it's never not going

(01:26:40):
to impact you as long as you leave it sitting there.
The way, I would probably describe it as like getting
a thorn and then it healing over, only to absess
and necrotize the whole the whole body. Essentially, if you

(01:27:01):
don't address it, you've got to take out the thorn.
You've got to take it out, and you've got to
work on the healing. It's painful as hell, but it
is so worth it. Otherwise you're you're literally, in a way,
you know, killing yourself. You know, you know, like you're
you're infecting yourself with that trauma or letting it you know,

(01:27:27):
you know, can sometimes manifest, I'm sure into cancer or
other health problems.

Speaker 1 (01:27:32):
Absolutely does. Any physical illness or disease starts as an
energetic blockage, and if you're not getting to the root,
cause that's going to manifest eventually in the physical sense
in different ways. Also mental illnesses, so many different.

Speaker 2 (01:27:46):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, when you let that trauma stay stuck
in your body, it yeah, it's it's it's only going
to manifest into things that are you're not going to want,
whether that be physical or emotional or relationship wise. You know,
leave you know, leaving it dead and buried, so to speak,

(01:28:08):
doesn't exactly work when it comes to trauma and how
it affects the human body and the human psyche and
our nervous system. And I hate to say this, if
you don't do it in this life, you got to
you gotta come back. If you don't want to come back,
highly recommend you get it done in this life. And
it's easier in body. It's way harder to clear things
from a multi dimensional anatomy actually when you're out of

(01:28:30):
a physical body. So yes, yeah, has taught me.

Speaker 1 (01:28:34):
Yeah, people think, oh it's no, you got to get
it done in the physical body. You need the atomic structure,
the atomic structure is so important, and I could go
into the physics behind that. I teach it in kelantic science.
But yeah, so I always say, get it done in
this lifetime if you can, because you don't want to
come back.

Speaker 2 (01:28:55):
You don't want to come back. And some people right
and then, and the problem or the issue is not
going to magically disappear or go away just because you
want it to or just because you give it to God.
And I know that's kind of been my family's approach
to a lot of things, is to give it to God.
And on a certain level, yes, there that you know,

(01:29:24):
there's a certain aspect that you do have to let go,
but that doesn't address the nervous system issue, the psyche issue,
the trauma that's held in your body. It doesn't feel
the emotional damage because you do have to do an intentional,
intentional work when it comes to feel responsibility for yourself. Yeah,

(01:29:46):
you've got to acknowledge and let yourself feel it because
part of it is, you know, our bodies need to
be able to go through that pop process of being
able to process the emotion and let it go. And
and so I think the biggest challenge is, you know,
letting that letting those emotions flow through you, letting yourself

(01:30:07):
feel them and letting them go, you know, especially I
think even with neurodivergence, you know, you can tend to
ruminate on things, and so you know, it's you know,
it's it's easy to kind of sometimes get stuck in
those emotions. And so in my healing process, I have

(01:30:31):
found that, you know, the more I practiced meditation, the
more I redirected, the more I did that intentional work,
the less time period between being triggered and feeling you know,
basically kind of getting back to I guess maybe a

(01:30:53):
stable emotional state, so to speak, or you know, a
better feeling state, because you know, I really, to be honest,
until I had started my healing journey, was felt very
lost and very alone and really was only surviving for

(01:31:15):
my children. They were the only thing keeping me alive
at that point, because I did not have a desire
to be here anymore. And I think it was hard
for me to accept in some ways that you know,

(01:31:36):
my brother or anybody, you know, even my dad was
capable of doing those things. Because I do have a
tendency to see the best of people and want to
see the best of people, you know, and I do
believe there's still good in them. It's just that I
think they have gotten so lost in their own pain.

(01:32:00):
And I think that's another thing that's funny too, when
we talk about like, or when we think about, you know,
people who who have been been traumatized and haven't healed
their pain. You know, they are just broken people who
haven't healed. And when you're in pain, you hurt other people.

(01:32:25):
And so people who are living in a state of
love or who have healed their trauma, they're not going
out and doing these things by hurting other people, by
raping them, by abusing them, you know. To me, it's
I know, our society tends to you know, I guess

(01:32:54):
even revere male aggression or or like view it as
no normal and the mass skillin thing. And when in fact,
you know, when you think about it, when somebody's acting
out of aggression or out of anger, they're really displaying

(01:33:15):
that a subconscious belief that they don't have control, yes,
because essentially it's them asserting or trying to dominate and
assert their control and dominance over someone else. And it really,
you know, I think, flips it on its head when
you see it that way, when you see that these

(01:33:40):
are people who don't know how to regulate their emotions,
who don't have control, They don't have self control, they
don't feel like they have any control. So, you know,
even though so many men and tend to posture like,
oh I'm control and I'm you know, the leader of

(01:34:03):
this you know, my life or whatever it might be,
or of this family or of this world, you know,
I kind of have to laugh a little bit, laugh
a little bit because it's just like you're just proving
to me that you don't have any Yeah. Yeah, it's
it's it's kind of sad and funny all at the

(01:34:26):
same time, because you know, that's I think essentially what
the patriarchy has done. Oh yes, you know, basically distorted
so many things. That's what they do best is distort. Yes,
that's the perfect word. Yep. You know, Like I mean,
there's so much truth mixed in with lies, so many

(01:34:48):
lies that it's just like it's no wonder people are
so messed up and confused.

Speaker 1 (01:34:56):
Yeah, the world is very much confused. One of the
best things they do, one of the best tricks I
find is you know, they they put something out there
and they dangle it in front of all of us
and they call it something else. Again, the trickery is
just un believable, and it breaks my heart because again

(01:35:17):
it leads to so much confusion and people just don't
they don't know what's true, what's real, what to believe.
And there's so much bs out there. I see, even
in like the Truth or movement, I'm like, they're lying,
They're completely lying, They're making that up. There's so much
bullshit out there. And again, it's very hard unless you

(01:35:37):
have a high level of consciousness activate it within you.
It's so hard to see above the frequency fans, which
is essentially kind of sending out a lot of false
information energetically and into the psyche, and then people are
regurgitating it. It's a very slippery slope.

Speaker 2 (01:35:52):
It is gosh, it's it's, it's, it's.

Speaker 1 (01:35:55):
But but as we're raising our frequency, the collective frequency
in the planet frequency, we'll be able to begin seeing
above this frequency fence, and it'll be dismantled and people
will be able to decipher the truth and what's real
more easily. We'll say, going forward, it's out.

Speaker 2 (01:36:12):
There, it is. And I know we went like kind
of we went on some really no, no, this was incredible,
But I feel like you are no this The tangents
were absolutely necessary and needed and important and valuable, and
it's going to help a lot of people. But I
also want to make sure that we get to your
full street, because there's so much more to what you experienced.

Speaker 1 (01:36:36):
I first want to ask you, at what age did
the abuse that your father was what you endured at
the hands of your father, At what age did that end?

Speaker 2 (01:36:46):
When did that abuse stop after he raped me? Oh?
That was the last time. That was the last time. Wow,
that's I think why it was so easy for me
to just, you know, suppress it for so long, because
I think what happened is my mom probably threatened to
either report him or leave him if he ever ultimate him.

Speaker 1 (01:37:08):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (01:37:10):
Though I do have a memory that and I don't,
I can't confirm it just because my brother won't you know,
or hasn't acknowledged any kind of abuse. But I believe
that my father did do something to him as well.

(01:37:34):
I believe it was because my brother was supposed to
watch me. I might have been like maybe around the
same age, maybe five, maybe a little bit older, and
my brother had left to go play with a friend,
and he had talked to me about it first. But
you know, being a little kid, you don't have a

(01:37:56):
good concept of time, and so I thought I would
be okay. I genuinely did. I thought, oh, I can
be a big girl, and I can be at home
by myself, and I don't need my big brother here
to watch me. And I wanted him to go have fun.
And so I don't know how much time had transpired
after he left before I started freaking out, and I

(01:38:19):
ended up calling a neighbor and they were like, come
on over, you know, until your parents get home. And
I think I do remember it was just me at
home and my dad and my brother, like my mom
and my sister weren't there, And I remember the door
being closed to my brother's room and just hearing this

(01:38:42):
like blood curdling scream from my brother and knowing, like
on a certain level, like I knew that scream because
it was a scream of someone being tortured. It was
that kind of scream, so I can only imagine what

(01:39:03):
was happening because to and I remember wanting to go
in there and wanting to stop it, but also realizing
I was a very small child, and that there wasn't
anything I could do and even if I tried, I
would probably get hurt as well. And so it totally

(01:39:25):
broke my heart in that moment. I didn't as a child,
I didn't realize. I just knew that he was being hurt.
I knew it was it was extreme pain that he
was feeling, you know, like, and I was helpless to that,

(01:39:46):
which was difficult.

Speaker 3 (01:39:49):
And I.

Speaker 2 (01:39:53):
Know, I feel like there was after that, there was
a period of time where my mom really had to
help my brother in the bathroom. I know, for me,
after my father had had raped me, I my mom
had to get like those like squeegee bottles or something

(01:40:15):
so we could put warm water in it because it
would sting so bad when I would pee because I
was literally torn open. Like I remember in later years
actually after what the abuse from my brother and his friends,

(01:40:36):
seeing a scar, and then also remembering after I gave
birth to my daughter, the doctor mentioning, oh, it looks
like you've already had an episiotomy, oh wow, and me
thinking like, I've never had an episiotomy before, I've never
had surgery before. And but I was also you know,

(01:40:58):
really kind of out of it, and I just it
wasn't really braining in my brain, you know, it wasn't.
And my main concern at that point was my my daughter,
you know, and so like I you know, because it
didn't seem important at the time. It just kind of
was filed away as like a weird, weird thing, you know,

(01:41:22):
but more and more evidence for you, more evidence being
presented to you. Yeah, like it did happen. You know,
it wasn't just in in my head. I mean I
do remember the physical after effects and then the scar,
you know, like I don't have the scar anymore because
I've had two children, so after and then after so

(01:41:43):
many years, you know, your body, you know, I guess
regenerates enough cells that you know, it eventually you know,
went away. But you know, I know what happened. I
remember the pain from it. They're just you know, there's
a part of me that wishes I could convince myself

(01:42:05):
that it didn't happen, But there's too much that I
remember and experienced that lets me know that it wasn't
just a false memory like a lot of my family members,
I think, want to believe. Yeah, I know, false memories
something that I guess can happen, but it's not. That's

(01:42:30):
also a lot stems from a lot of older research too,
and from the studying that I've done on trauma and
memory and some of the things that I've read. It
actually those memories get stored in a different part of
the brain. So when you've had a traumatic experience, it

(01:42:51):
gets stored in the more primal part of the brain,
the reptilian part of the brain, because that makes sense,
you know, that's linked to your fight or flight and
your survival. So and they've found that these memories that
are our trauma memories are actually recalled with more accuracy

(01:43:15):
than just a general memory. They've found that, you know,
oftentimes it's it's the recall is more accurate, which is
kind of incredible too. And so you know, I I
think again, you know, fortunately, my my father never did

(01:43:40):
anything to me after that that that was the one
and only time he raped me, thank goodness. But later
on in life, from the about the age of ten
is when my brother started kind of molasting me and

(01:44:03):
just doing you know a lot of butt grabbing, butt smacking,
and I remember at one point him actually doing something
really weird. I was laying on the couch and he
started drumming on my butt and then started kind of
fingering me through my clothes, and I kept telling him

(01:44:25):
to stop, and he kept saying, you know, stop what,
stop what, and just kind of laughing. I'm like, just stop,
you know, And because he wouldn't leave me alone, I
finally just got up and moved. But at the same time,
it was weird because like, why does the sensation feel good?

(01:44:46):
Why is he doing this? Like I didn't understand what
was really going on, you know, And I think that's
one thing too, we need to talk about when it
comes to sexual abuse, is just because your body responds
with a feel good sensation, like you have a physical
response to being stimulated, that's going to create a feel

(01:45:09):
good sensation in your body. But it's confusing because at
the same time, you don't want that person doing it,
so it just it really kind of fucks with your
head a bit. But I think people don't realize that
that physical response is involuntary.

Speaker 1 (01:45:27):
That's an important point that you're making right now. I
don't care how many people talking about that other survivors.

Speaker 2 (01:45:34):
Right because that just because it feels good in your
body doesn't mean you want it happening and doesn't mean
that you can help the fact that it feels good,
because that's just the reality of physical stimulation to the genitalia. So,
whether that be a penis or vagina or clitorist, if
somebody is stimulating that part of your body, regardless of

(01:45:57):
who it is, it's going to create a sensation in
your body that feels good. But then if you know,
just because it feels good doesn't mean that you want
somebody touching you like you know, its just It's one
of those things that I don't think people fully understand
or grasp.

Speaker 1 (01:46:16):
They don't see many people talking about this part of
it either, And I think it's so important that you're
educating people right now about this, yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:46:24):
Right, because you know, I mean, even talk to a
doctor about it. They can tell you, you know, you know,
it's it's it's not because you want them touching you,
and it's not because you're enjoying it. You can have
that feel good physical sensation and not enjoy it. So
I think that's one thing that I think a lot

(01:46:47):
of people have a hard time understanding, is that just
because somebody can have a physical response, and especially with
the male body, it's very visible, and just because they
have a physical risk spons doesn't mean they're enjoying it either.
So I think that's another thing we need to be
aware of too, you know, is that our bodies are

(01:47:13):
going to physically react to stimulus and there's nothing wrong
about that. That's just how our bodies work. And once
you have that understanding, I think it gives you a
different perspective of you know, what it is, not only
what you're feeling as the person maybe experiencing it, but
also for the people who who are maybe doing it,

(01:47:36):
or you know, people who are trying to understand sexual
abuse and and and how miss misunderstood it can be
because I think people confuse that, well, because it felt
good in your body, you must you must have enjoyed

(01:47:57):
it on some level. Now I can tell you, as
a four year old, at any age, regardless if somebody
is doing something to your body and you don't want
them to, or they're forcing you to do something you
don't want to, just because you might have a physical

(01:48:18):
sensation that may be viewed as being positive or feeling
good does not equate to it being enjoyable. So I
think I think that's kind of hard for people to grasp,
but I would like people to try and understand that.

(01:48:39):
It'd be kind of like, I guess maybe comparing it
to like, you know, hitting you know, your funny bone,
or hitting you know, you know, your reflexes. You know,
you can't control the response that your body has from that.
You know, even if you don't want your leg to

(01:49:02):
kick out if you if you hit that right reflex,
your leg's gonna do what it's going to do. And
the same thing with hitting your funny bone, you know,
like if you want to call it your funny bone,
what you know what I actually I call it a
funny bone. I do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:49:18):
Yeah, these are excellent, excellent analogies that you're presented.

Speaker 2 (01:49:23):
Good. I'm glad. I'm glad they're helpful because I feel
like it can be it can be kind of hard
for people to understand. And it was hard for me
to understand too. It's like, why am I having this
physical sensation that feels good, and yet I don't want
them touching me. They're the last person I want, I know,

(01:49:44):
And especially as a young child, that's even more confusing, right,
Like I mean, I think it wasn't until I was
maybe ten or eleven that I had the quote unquote
sex Talk, which was essentially me listening to a doctor
Dobson tape on sex, which was I don't know if

(01:50:05):
you know who doctor Dobson is. No, I don't. Very
big Christian conservative figure in the community. I guess Christian community,
especially back in like the eighties and nineties. My mom
listened to a lot of Christian radio. Growing up. We

(01:50:29):
were very you know, especially when I was really young,
she was. She was very particular about what kind of
things we could watch and what kind of things you
could listen to. You know. I didn't even go to
public school until my sixth grade year. Oh wow, you
were home school. No, I went to a Christian private school.
Oh wow, Okay, you were raised quite Christian. Yes, very

(01:50:54):
very very much. So. I lived even within the small
town I live I live, and up in I probably
for up until my probably sixth grade year, pretty much
lived within a five mile range of you know, I

(01:51:14):
lived just down the street from where I went to
church and to school, and all the people that I
went to church and school with lived around that area
and in that neighborhood for the most part.

Speaker 1 (01:51:24):
Interesting kind of like I hate to say it, but
kind of cult like reminds you for the cult, Like, yeah,
reminds me of the Mormon they'll have the Mormon people
live and they're all, yeah, they're all religious cults. The
brainwashing that.

Speaker 2 (01:51:37):
Goes up, yeah, all of And that's something I even
kind of received a download about as as a child
is oh, wow, your higher levels told you, Yeah, I was.
I even remember being in church and it being like, yeah,
you know, church or religion is not of God. You know,
it wasn't created by God. There is truth within it,

(01:52:00):
but there's a lot of lies and there you know
that it was not they were not teaching real connection
to God. You know that there was a lot of truth,
or there was truth, but there was there were a
lot of lies, and that some people, you know, even
like the pastors and things like that, you know, weren't

(01:52:22):
necessarily not you know, not connected to God or or
evil per se. It's just that that's what they were taught.
You know that that basically churches were a mixed match
of you know, good people with good hearts and connection

(01:52:43):
to God, people who were evil and the dark. And
so you know, churches especially any or any any any
area where there is a gathering of children of any
kind of a lot of kids, You're going to find

(01:53:05):
people who are gonna take advantage of that. They are
very much attracted to those communities and will take advantage
and you know, they rely on that trust that people
you know, inherently give them because they walk into a church,

(01:53:25):
or because they walk into a school, or because they
walk into you know, some kind of program that helps kids.
And I'm I don't say this to be like, hey,
be afraid and don't let your kids be part of things,
but I think as a parent you need to be

(01:53:45):
very wary and be very mindful of who you're you know,
you know, who you allow into your child's life. Absolutely,
be careful, be cautious. Yeah, I think I think we're
so conditioned, especially you know, oh, we'll give this person

(01:54:08):
a hug goodbye or a kiss goodbye, you know. And
I think that's something even me, as a parent, I've
had to learn to kind of stop, because you know,
we really shouldn't be asking our kids to hug people
unless they want to.

Speaker 1 (01:54:25):
Absolutely, they've got free will children. We have to allow
them their free will and choices.

Speaker 2 (01:54:30):
They can sense that they know the disease they can
sense when somebody's not safe, they can sense when they
don't feel comfortable of someone. They're actually much more in
tune probably to their intuition than most adults, especially right now,
because and I'm sure you know this, we're conditioned out

(01:54:54):
of a lot of those natural abilities or gifts.

Speaker 1 (01:54:58):
Oh yeah, yeah, and this next generation of kids, they
are wide open and the one's coming in so yeah, yeah,
they're like turning off. They're not turning off, They're not
turned out at all. Yeah, and that's wonderful.

Speaker 2 (01:55:14):
I am. I'm just so excited about that too, because
you know, I think I think there's so much change
that's needed and every aspect of our lives. I know
it's happening. It's underwear we can say. Yeah, yeah, and
I think I think it's wonderful. Everybody's got their calling
to do different things because pretty much we need we

(01:55:36):
need a rehaul or revamp in just about every every paradigm,
every paradigm, you know, our education, everything, I mean, government,
both care, you know, everything, just everything, media, everything needs

(01:55:56):
to be changed and shifted exactly. It's yeah, it's incredible.
So you know that, I getting back to I guess
kind of where I was going with this. I do remember,
you know, after my brother molested me saying something to
my mom and she was like, she was like on purpose,

(01:56:21):
and because I was like he was touching me down
there or whatever, and she was like on purpose and
I was like yeah, and she's like, I don't know.
There have been different times where I've talked to her
where she said different things about about this, where like
at one point, because what I remembered was that she

(01:56:45):
said something about like she was either going to talk
to him or she was going to have my dad
talk to him, and then that that was essentially it
and then nothing really happened. When I don't know that
that conversation ever happened. I don't, I don't, you know,
And based on some of the feedback I've gotten from her,
it's really not clear. I don't know that she really

(01:57:06):
remembers well and anymore like I don't know what she
remembers and what she doesn't I know her she may
have blocked some of this out as well. I'm suspecting
That's what I'm wondering. And what I wonder about sometimes too,
is like I wonder if that trauma that occurred to

(01:57:27):
me early on has been you know, if she's essentially
dissociated from it or you know, blocked it out because
it was too traumatic for her to deal with. Absolutely,
you know, I think that's definitely a possibility. I don't
know if that's what's going on with her, but you know,

(01:57:47):
I know she's been through so much, and you know,
I wish her healing too. I know her mental health
has not not been great, and as she's gotten older,
and I know it's always been a struggle for her.
But you know, it's it's one of those things where

(01:58:09):
I'm not really sure. I don't think anything ever really happened.
I know, you know, my brother was very you know,
grabby and handsy, like I said, constantly smacking or grabbing
my butt, my sister's butt, and the I remember my
mom at one point being being like, Okay, every time

(01:58:31):
he does it, he has to put a quarter in
the jar. And that lasting for like two weeks, and
she just never really seemed to I don't know if
she just didn't see it as a big enough problem,
but it was big enough for me and my sister,
Like we tried to deal with it ourselves. We tried
yelling at him. We tried ignoring him, we tried talking
to him, we tried all different kinds of things, and

(01:58:53):
it really it really didn't matter. And you know, he
would do weird things, like any time you would hug me,
he would slide his hands against the sides of my breasts,
you know, and it really didn't occur to me. I
think I tried to rationalize so much of it in
my head as like, well, you know, that just was

(01:59:15):
probably an accident, or you know, like tried to normalize
it in some way in my head, or well, it
must not be that big of a deal if my
mom's not doing anything about it, you know, all of
those things. And as a kid, you rely on your
parents to kind of take the lead in situations like

(01:59:37):
that and protect you. Yeah, you know, it was. It
was one of those things where I just was like, Okay,
I guess I just have to deal with it, you know,
like I've just got to deal with it the best
I know. I know. When I turned twelve, we moved
into an old farmhouse that was most definitely haunt like.

(02:00:02):
It was there were parts of it that was over
one hundred years old, but there were definitely some strange
experiences that I had while I was there, and that
was the location of where I was raped the second
time in my life. So I was it was the

(02:00:22):
weekend of my eighteenth birthday. I know, my my sister
had gone out of town camping with her her boyfriend
at the time, and my parents had gone to some
kind of time share that belonged to a friend. It
was one of those things where like they were like,
we're not going to use it, so why don't you

(02:00:44):
Why don't you go use it? You know. And this
was back in the early two thousands, so like back
in I think two thousand maybe two thousand and one,
and back then, you know, where they were going, there
weren't really any cell towers and it was very hilly area,

(02:01:04):
so there was there really was no cell cell service.
And then the place they were staying didn't even have
a landline phone.

Speaker 1 (02:01:12):
So there was they were out of reach pretty much.

Speaker 2 (02:01:15):
Was completely out of reach. And they were like, you know,
if anything happens, your brother's here, you know, like and
he was. He was there because he was he was
staying with us for I think a little while before
he left to go to boot camp for the Navy,

(02:01:37):
and so he was there and and so, uh, you know,
I remember at one point he was like, hey, I've
made this drink, you know, do you want to you
want to try it? And I was like sure and
and I was like what's in it? And he was like, well,
it's this juice and this juice. And I'm like okay.
You know that was something that I did all the time,

(02:01:58):
Like I mixed I mixed juices that we had in
the fridge all the time to make my own juices.
It's like, what's so so, but I was like whatever.
So I was talking to him in about maybe thirty
minutes into our conversation, I started feeling kind of tired
and a little woozy, and I was like, I think

(02:02:19):
I'm going to go to bed. And I started to
try and like walk and was stumbling, and so he
helped walk me to my room and so I, you know,
got dressed, ready for bed, whatever, and I lay down
to go to sleep, and I'm I'm trying to relax,

(02:02:40):
and I feel like somebody's watching me. And so I
opened my eyes and I see my brother standing right
next to my bed. I'm zipping his pants and he
hands he had my drink that I had not finished,
and he handed it to me and he was like, here,
finish your drink. And I realized in that moment what

(02:03:02):
was happening on a certain level, and I thought, Okay,
I have no way to fight back. I'm already out
of it. Maybe if I finish it, I won't remember,
you know. That was that was my logic at the time.
And so I finished drinking it. I lay back down

(02:03:23):
to go to sleep. I like pass out sort of,
and I think, I think I believe that I'm having
a dream or something, and it's it's like I start
feeling like I'm being stimulated in my general area, and
I thinking maybe I'm having a sex dream or something,
which is weird because I never really had sex dreams either,

(02:03:45):
so it was it seemed weird, but it was the
only thing that made sense in my mind. And so,
you know, and then the next thing I know, I'm
kissing someone and I'm my mind thinking it's some boy
that I think is cute at the time or whatever.
But then I opened my eyes and I see my

(02:04:05):
brother's face and I'm like ew and I push him
away and then and he laughs, and then you know,
so it's kind of like back and forth like that,
and then you know he left because there was a
knock at the door. And so then I hear voices,
and I still kind of my I'm still kind of

(02:04:26):
like my eyes are closed, and I think that maybe
I'm still dreaming. I'm just out of it. And I
hear voices, and the next thing I know, he opens
the door to my room and turns on the light
and one of his friends is there. And I don't

(02:04:47):
know if it had been weeks or months before, but
I feel like it hadn't been terribly long before. But
my brother had taken me to a party that his
friends had had and introduce to me to every single
person who ended up showing up that night ahead of time.
So this was clearly a planned thing.

Speaker 1 (02:05:09):
Oh my god, do you think that they paid him
or he got paid they? Did you remember the money?

Speaker 2 (02:05:16):
Yeah? I remember the money extra, Oh my god at
the end of it. So it and I know why
he did it, and it was because he at the
time was engaged or very serious about his now wife
who was in India, and he was trying to get

(02:05:38):
her to the United States. So he needed money. He
needed he needed money for a lawyer, and you know,
so I you know, I know now that's that's what
that money was used for or why he did I
think partly why he did it.

Speaker 1 (02:05:57):
So that's why he trafficked trafficked you pretty much essentially.

Speaker 2 (02:06:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:06:00):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (02:06:01):
And so his friend came in and we started talking
and it turned into us, you know, having sex, and
you know, more guys started showing up, and I'm I'm thinking,
I'm having some weird, crazy like sex dream and I'm
obviously drugged up to no end on something you know

(02:06:23):
he had.

Speaker 1 (02:06:24):
Do you know what he had given you? Did you
ever find out what kind of drug it was?

Speaker 2 (02:06:28):
I've found out in my healing journey. Oh well, of
course after getting ketamine therapy, I realized he had given
me ketamine.

Speaker 1 (02:06:37):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (02:06:39):
Wow Wow felt exactly the same way on like when
I did the ketamine therapy. I'm like, oh my god,
this is exactly what it felt like. Wow after he
drugged me. So I you know, he I'm I'm ninety
nine point nine percent certain it was ketamine was And

(02:07:01):
it makes sense because somewhat recently I had the memory
come back that he had asked me where our dad
worked at the time, and our dad worked at a
company that created animal vaccinations. Oh my god, so they
would have had the ketamine. And then I remember at
one point my dad saying somebody had broken in. No, yeah,

(02:07:25):
after and I didn't obviously didn't think it was my
brother who would have broken in, Like I mean, I
had never made that connection. I mean, now I'm making
those connections. But you know, came together. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.
So it's it's crazy, you know, how all of these

(02:07:47):
pieces have been coming together and and these realizations have
have been coming about. So essentially, he there were a
total of four of his friends that ended up coming over.
They I remember being in and out of consciousness the

(02:08:08):
whole time, like it just was like it was. It
was the weirdest, I think, one of the strangest experiences.
I guess I couldn't and I couldn't make sense of it,
you know, because and I don't know if anybody else
has been on ketamine or tried it before, but like

(02:08:29):
if you've ever used had ketamine therapy or been on ketamine,
it feels unreal and real all at the same time.
Like I could feel all the sensations and everything, but
you do feel like almost in a dream. Like state

(02:08:54):
like you're not fully there, but you are, Like it's
it's hard to describe.

Speaker 1 (02:09:00):
I've never taken it. I know of ketamine clinics. I've
heard of ketamine clinical I know people who have done
that for therapeutic reasons.

Speaker 2 (02:09:10):
Yeah, that's interesting.

Speaker 1 (02:09:12):
So do you feel like when people take ketamine are
you is your consciousness partially leaving the body or kind
of going in and out? Are they taking you to
a en heightened state of awareness essentially to receive information?
Is that the purpose of these ketamine clinics to your knowledge.

Speaker 2 (02:09:29):
Well, the ketamine as far as the therapy goes, Yeah,
I think it's supposed to allow the brain time to heal.
Oh interesting, Okay, Like it's supposed to help with with
a number of things. But it's you know, it's I'd
have to look at more, at it more again. Just

(02:09:51):
your memory. No, don't worry, it's fine. But like from
what I remember thinking, well, this might be something that
might help me, you know, And and I did, you know,
enjoy it. I did find it beneficial. And usually when
I would go and get the ketamine therapy treatments, you know,
I would just sleep, you know, I was okay, Yeah,

(02:10:14):
because they they do. So it was like having like
a really good nap. Oh okay, So you know, I
guess I don't know. Have you ever had like a
really high fever. No not, okay, I was.

Speaker 1 (02:10:36):
Probably I almost died with co so that I was
a spiritual back too.

Speaker 2 (02:10:43):
But where you're just like your your head just feels
kind of like out of it. Yeah. Yeah, that's a
little bit how you feel like mental I guess you
could say, and and just sensation wise, it just is

(02:11:06):
is that a drug.

Speaker 1 (02:11:07):
That will say rapists and traffickers utilize your knowledge?

Speaker 2 (02:11:11):
Oh, I never knew. I never knew this. This is fast.

Speaker 1 (02:11:14):
So this is a common drug used.

Speaker 2 (02:11:17):
Yeah, it's it's one of the I think day rape drugs.
About how I never knew this very it's very interesting.
It's being used we'll say, in healing modalities as well.
It's fascinating. Like but you also see it, I think
in a lot of rave or eatio oh okay, okay,

(02:11:37):
and I could I can understand why, like it would
definitely be perfect for that, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah,
So there are there are a lot of different things
that people have used it for, and it does I
think the micro dosing. Part of it has a healing aspect,
and that's why the ketamine therapy clinics are popping up,

(02:12:00):
and it can be helpful for a number of different
things and therapeutic for a number of different things. But
for me, it was it was part of the reason
I wanted to try it or do it was for
the purposes of trying to heal my trauma. And Okay,
and doing so.

Speaker 1 (02:12:16):
It gave you an important key though, for understanding and
packing your trauma.

Speaker 2 (02:12:21):
Yeah, it did, it really did, and you know, I
didn't like I did it for a number of sessions
or whatever. It's not exactly a cheap, cheap therapy either,
so it's not something that you know, I could really sustain,
got it. It definitely I think has some therapeutic useful purposes. So,

(02:12:45):
but obviously it's something that you do want to go
to a clinic or a therapist or somebody. They're monitoring
and making sure everything is okay. You know, when the
clinic that I went to, everybody was medically trained and
everything was done in a very you know, safe way,

(02:13:05):
So I think, you know, making sure that you're you're
under the proper care of so important treatment is important,
and I've heard like things like psilocybin as well have
been used for as well, which is not something I've

(02:13:25):
tried yet. I mean, I'd be open to it, but
it's not exactly something that's like readily available to find
somebody who can help facilitate, you know, a psilocybin treatment
or an I you know, or ayahuasca.

Speaker 1 (02:13:39):
I know something I if you ever interested. I have
trusted people that I've worked with personally and I know
very well. Really yeah, I personally, I've not I have
never done any psychedelic any drug.

Speaker 2 (02:13:55):
I'm my higher levels guide. It me never to. It's
too much for me because I'm already seeing things constantly
to help you fabilitate.

Speaker 1 (02:14:06):
Yeah, but like very helpful for people when they're closed
up to open up.

Speaker 2 (02:14:11):
That's a very way.

Speaker 1 (02:14:13):
It's also dangerous because you open yourself open and don't
know what's coming in. It could be fallen consciousness or
good consciousness.

Speaker 2 (02:14:21):
So it is risky to do.

Speaker 1 (02:14:23):
With the right person under the right circuit. I'm a
firm believer. It's not for everybody.

Speaker 2 (02:14:28):
It's not for right. I don't need I just don't.
I'm already wide open.

Speaker 1 (02:14:31):
I already see right, holographic projections all around me.

Speaker 2 (02:14:35):
I don't even see any of that yet, but like
I can't wait, and you'll always it's kind of cool.

Speaker 1 (02:14:42):
Kind of trippy, obviously very trippy.

Speaker 2 (02:14:44):
Oh, I can imagine. It makes you really understand there's
so much more than just this three There's so much
more to creation, right, Yeah. Well, and I recently saw
somebody talk about how the human eye can only see
point zero zero three five percent of the light spectrum.

(02:15:05):
That makes a lot of sense to me. Yeah right, yeah,
so like if you think about it, and they did
a comparison, like if you were to see the whole
light spectrum as like from Los Angeles to New York,
the amount that we would be able to see would
be the size of a peanut. Wow.

Speaker 1 (02:15:21):
Yeah, so we don't see anything with these human eyes,
right exactly.

Speaker 2 (02:15:26):
Get that by open up really pretty much blind mice,
you know, walking around. That's a good analogy for it. Yeah,
there's so much that we we are completely unaware of
or just can't see in it. It breaks my heart
because I can I mean I can't see everything, but

(02:15:47):
I can see a lot that most people can't. And
I'm just like, yeah, I wish this.

Speaker 1 (02:15:50):
For everybody, for every living bit of consciousness, and I
know every living bit of consciousness can do this. If
you're in a human body, you two can do that.
You can open up your third eye to see into
different realms and worlds and reality fields and different plane sets.
I mean, it's it's one thousand percent possible. I always
say I'm no one special. I'm just I awaken sooner

(02:16:12):
than other people.

Speaker 2 (02:16:13):
And you can do it.

Speaker 1 (02:16:14):
Everybody has the capability to get there. It's just you know,
the healing and clearing aspect, and then you know, expanding
your consciousness. It's it's quite literally, I know, easier said
than done. It does require effort and work, but oh yeah,
that's why I think this episode with you is so important.
You've been through so much trauma, but yet you are

(02:16:35):
healing it and you are clearing it, and you're awake,
you are doing it. You're in the midst of doing it.
Give yourself a way more credible.

Speaker 2 (02:16:41):
Oh yeah, I know it. I feel it. I see
it in your field. You're so much I know, like
when you're in like the throes of it, it doesn't
feel like you're making any progress, but you're in the
r I see your tideline and it's like, WHOA full
speed ahead is what they're showing me.

Speaker 1 (02:16:58):
It's beautiful, you're your incredible journey. But obviously this is
what you endured at the age. It was her eighteenth birthday, like, oh.

Speaker 2 (02:17:08):
Yeah, it was like the week, like my parents had
left I think on a Friday evening and then they
came back Sunday, and so it had happened Sunday, I
think was my birthday. So it was basically I think
on a Friday or Saturday night. I like, I think

(02:17:29):
it might have been that Friday night if I remember,
because I think the next day I just was in
bed the whole day. I was afraid to move, I
was afraid to leave my room, and I just cried
the whole time. Essentially, I so.

Speaker 1 (02:17:50):
So they that the boys left, they left that after
they raped you, they all left, assume, and.

Speaker 2 (02:17:56):
Then well, yeah, they all they all took her, okay,
youltic turns and at one point I was like, you
guys need to leave, and they just kind of laughed
at me and then started raping me again. And then
so this went on for a whole a whole day.
Would you say hours at least, I don't. I don't,

(02:18:17):
I don't. The sense of time was so it was
hard because I was on I was so drugged up.
I didn't really have a good sense of time, but
it felt like it went on forever it, you know, like,
and then they you know, all forced me to perform
oral sex on them. I remember at one point one

(02:18:40):
of them was trying to essentially deep throat, which was
not working. That's not something I can do. I think
that stems from the abuse from when my dad was
forcing me to learn how to give fillatio at a
you know, extremely young age. So uh I. At that point,

(02:19:08):
they basically threw me on the bed, flipped me over,
and I realized they were what they were about to do,
and I said, are you I was like, please, at
least use some lube, and so he spit in his hand.
He howked a loogi in his hand and slapped it
on oh, on my behind basically and started sodomizing me.

(02:19:32):
And they all took turns sodomizing me, and I screamed
begging my brother, like begging him to make them stop.
Of course, none of that happened. At some point after

(02:19:52):
they at all I guess had their turn or whatever.
I don't know, like I just remember it. Just at
one point, you know, they they were all pretty much
holding me down and I just was laying there with
tears coming down my face. At some point, my brother

(02:20:14):
did come in and tell them it was time to go,
and they all paid him on their way out, and
I remember one of them saying, oh, I've got so
and so for his birthday. So it was like, yeah, so,

(02:20:35):
I uh, after they all left, my brother came back
in the bedroom and he raped me and sodomized me again. Yeah,
like I mean, he hadn't gotten to that point before
his friends showed up. I guess he was just connutsing around,
playing around on my body. And so, you know, by

(02:20:58):
the time they laughed, you know, he came back back
and had his his turn. I was already in an
excruciating amount of pain. And then he threatened to kill
me if I ever told anyone. And so at that
point he left the room, and I, you know, just

(02:21:21):
was a heap on the on the you know, in
my bed. Well initially when he was collecting money, I
was just a balling heap on the floor. And then
he came back in my room and you know, violated
me and then left and I just cried myself to
sleep at that point. And I was still really drugged

(02:21:50):
still pretty drugged up when I woke up, and I
remember like immediately like throwing up, like I had to
find like a shopping bag that to my group into it.
Like I immediately got sick, and then my anus felt
like it was on fire, and I had my gut

(02:22:10):
was doing on callings of weird things. So I ran
to the bathroom. I ended up having like explosive diarrhea. Oh.
I remember seeing what was obviously a glob of semen
in my in the toilet, and I you know, ended

(02:22:32):
up like I was so disoriented and and I ended
up looking at my my genitals and everything else. And
I do remember seeing the scar at that point and
being very confused as to what it was and why
it was there. And uh, it nearly went all the

(02:22:56):
way like it it nearly went all the way across
she was halfway, like I mean, the scar that was there,
so you know, I know it was pretty significant, but
then you know, there was a lot of bruising from
what had just happened, and so I remember going through

(02:23:22):
this period of like debating on you know, like who
I should call, Like there was a part of me
that's like I should call nine one one, But then
I didn't want my parents to have to pay the
ambulance fee because I knew my parents didn't have the
money for that. And I didn't want to call my
sister because I didn't want to ruin her weekend. And

(02:23:44):
my best friend at the time was celebrating her boyfriend's
birthday that weekend because his birthday is just I think
about a day or two from mine, and so, you know,
I didn't want to ruin her weekend. I really wanted
to call my mom, but I had no way of
contacting her, and I was terrified to leave my room.

(02:24:08):
I didn't know if he was still there. At some
point I worked up the nerve. I think it might
have been I don't know if it was on It
might not have been until like Sunday, I don't know,
it might have been Saturday, I don't remember, but like
realizing he wasn't there anymore, and then I was worried,

(02:24:30):
like what should I do because people are going to
be coming home soon, you know, my parents are going
to be home coming home soon, and I'm like, I
know I shouldn't shower, but at the same time, I
felt so gross and so, you know, I think I
felt at a loss what to do. And I also

(02:24:53):
convinced myself in a way. I was like, that can't
possibly be real. You know, there's another part of me
that just was like, well, no one's gonna believe me.
You know, you're you're just going to break up the
family if you say something, you know, you're just going
to ruin the family, and it was going to be
my fault. So I didn't want to be blamed for

(02:25:18):
what happened. And I think part of the reason I
felt that way is because even when I did try
and say things to my mom, like I remember even
telling her one time, you know, like I don't like
the way my brother looks at me. I don't like
I don't like the way he looks at me. And
she was like, what do you mean? And I'm like, like,

(02:25:39):
he's undressing me with his eyes, and she was like, well,
you just need to cover up more around the house. Oh,
like it's your fault, right, yeah. Well, and she did
not like the way I dressed, and I I dressed
typical for that time period, and yeah, maybe it was
a little more revealing than she probably we would have liked.

(02:26:00):
I mean, I she definitely didn't like any kind of
sign of cleavage or anything like that. And to me,
I'm just like, who gives a shit, you know, what's
the big deal.

Speaker 1 (02:26:11):
We're allowed to show our bodies off if we want to.

Speaker 2 (02:26:14):
Right, Yeah, And so it was it was one of
those things where I didn't feel like I was doing
anything wrong, but I always was made to feel like
I was doing something wrong based on what I was
wearing or or whatever my appearance. And so you know,
she started giving me this whole lecture of like, you know,

(02:26:35):
we don't want to make our brothers in Christ lust
and sin and all of these things, so essentially putting
it back on me as the one to blame for
my brother being sexually attracted to me, as if I
had a way of controlling that in any way, you know, Like,

(02:26:55):
how again, it's that conditioning, And I know that's partly
generational that women from that my mom's generation, that's how
they were taught and how they were raised that it
was somehow their responsibility if a man assaulted them. Yeah,
you know, it's it's such bullshit. It's such bullshit, absolutely,

(02:27:17):
like so backward and such a big disservice to the
population when it comes to the patriarchy and what it does,
even like look into the Bible, like the story of
Adam and Eve.

Speaker 1 (02:27:32):
It's Eve's fault, right that they fall, right, you put
the blame on the woman, and it goes way back,
you know, in a hypercal context as well, always putting
the blame on the women.

Speaker 2 (02:27:44):
And it's such a shit And we're shifting that paradigm. Yes, yes,
and I love that. I love that because it's it's
so worn out and so just archaic and disgusting. Yeah,
it really is. It doesn't and it's horrible for men too.
It's not just absolutely for men, and so you know,

(02:28:06):
I think that's partly why I didn't say anything. I
didn't feel like I would be believed, which go figure
now that I remember my even older trauma, that that
makes sense. But you know, I remember taking a shower
and of course just kind of crying the whole time.

(02:28:26):
And then they came home and I remember, you know,
I want to sit down on the couch, and I
winced a little bit because it was painful, and you know,
I mean I was so bruised, it was black and blue, literally, god,
and so and so swollen and and and my mom

(02:28:48):
was like, are you okay? And I'm like yeah. And
so I remember at one point I was like, how
to you know, like I was still trying to figure
out a way to tell her without telling her, and
so I was like basically showed her, had her look
at my genitalia. Yeah, and she goes, what I what

(02:29:08):
have you been doing masturbating too aggressively? And I'm like,
oh my god. I just was dumbfounded by her response.
For one, again the blame on you. It's your fault
you did this. There's a comment here, right, which like
I've never even heard of anybody ever like bruising themselves
by masturbating. For one, that's just like, like, I was

(02:29:31):
so confused by your comment.

Speaker 1 (02:29:33):
And she must have known, She must have known when
she saw it. She how couldn't you not realize what
happened there?

Speaker 3 (02:29:43):
Right?

Speaker 2 (02:29:43):
My mom at the same time, in some ways is
a very naive person. Okay, okay, So like there's a
part of me that's like I don't know how much
of it was just like she just didn't want to
accept the truth, so she was making whatever excuses that too.

Speaker 1 (02:30:02):
Absolutely she was probably in denial. I mean she's been
in denial obviously your whole life and everything. So that
makes a lot of sense to me, Noah.

Speaker 2 (02:30:11):
And has has only continued to enable the patriarchal and
misogynistic views of my family, you know, of my dad
and my brother, you know, like, and it's heartbreaking because
it's like you're only perpetuating this abuse by by allowing
it and giving excuse excuses for it's it's not benefiting them,

(02:30:38):
it's not helping them, That's what I think. I think
in some way, my mom thinks she's being a supportive wife,
and it's like, no, you're not benefiting him by staying
with him and encouraging even if it is healing he
you know, Like, I mean, there there's some times where

(02:31:01):
I'm like, well, they just deserve each other, don't they.
But and sometimes people do you know, maybe they're they
have karmicals, They're karmically linked, absolutely, right, Yeah, somehow there's
a reason. Yeah, so you know, and I can understand
the fear that probably comes from both of them, and
we're accepting or acknowledging the truth of what happened, but

(02:31:24):
it just you know, so again at that point, I
was trying to figure out another way to tell her,
and then my brother came home and so I immediately
like shut down. I remember there being just like an
absolute not in my stomach until he actually left off
for basic training because I just but I had to essentially,

(02:31:48):
essentially I convince myself it was just a horrible bad dream.
It was just a nightmare. After after not really receiving
the kind of response I really needed from my mom,
I was like, Okay, I just have to deny that
this was real. I just have to convince myself that
it wasn't real. And so I disconnected even the at

(02:32:09):
that point, made disconnect between the physical stuff that was
the aftermath okay, from the actual event. And I do
like remember having reoccurring nightmares about that rape and being raped.
Like I remember even at the time, I had kind

(02:32:31):
of I had a boyfriend and ah, you know, months later,
you know, just staying the night at his house, and
I guess I ended up kind of attacking him in
my sleep, like I was kicking and hitting him, but
I was I was reliving that nightmare. Yeah, but I

(02:32:52):
was trying to fight back in my dreams. Oh you know,
I felt really bad about you know, he happened just
to be there. Yeah, yeah, but I was just like,
I'm so sorry, but like again, you know, and I
my mom did take me to a doctor. She took
me to a surgeon. She did because I was so

(02:33:15):
after the the rape and sodomy, I really struggled having
any kind of bowel movement. It took me like four
hours just to have a bowel movement because I had
to essentially use wipes and massage it out of my
body because my anus was so inflamed and literally there

(02:33:39):
were tears all around, and so the surgeon was like,
I can't do anything to fix it surgically, you know.
And I remember him even asking me like, you know,
have you had anal sex? And I'm thinking no, like
my boyfriend and I don't do that, you know, Like
we didn't even have a point, Like we weren't. We

(02:34:02):
weren't even like for you know, a number of reasons,
but we weren't. We weren't even having like real and
a recourse at that point. So it I was and
that wasn't something I was ever interested in. So I
was just like, in my in my mind, I'm thinking no.
And then I'm and he was like, have you been

(02:34:23):
to any parties lately? And I'm thinking in my mind, no,
I've only been at home.

Speaker 1 (02:34:29):
So you know, it was the doctor was trying to
maybe get hint to you that he, you know, thought
something obviously was.

Speaker 2 (02:34:37):
I Yeah, I think occurred there, right. I think he
realized that that was probably what the trauma was. But
my mind, I had already convinced myself.

Speaker 1 (02:34:47):
I was gonna say, Okay, So at that point, you
had already blocked it out, correct.

Speaker 2 (02:34:51):
I had. Yeah, I had already convinced myself that that
was just a bad dream and it wasn't real and
so therefore it couldn't have affected my fl a body.
And that's why I didn't say anything. I just you know,
I was like, well, that would just you know, it
just wasn't something that I could accept, I think in

(02:35:11):
all ways at that point, because that would essentially, I think,
probably would have destroyed my relationship with my family, and
I think I wasn't ready to lose that connection yet. Probably.

Speaker 1 (02:35:27):
How was it having a relationship with your family, especially
your brother after that was it normal?

Speaker 2 (02:35:36):
How? What was that like? So after my brother went
off to basic training, you know, he was kind of
all over the place, so he really didn't come back
home much to visit.

Speaker 1 (02:35:49):
You didn't have to see him often after that.

Speaker 2 (02:35:51):
No, No, like I think because not long after that, I
actually moved to Arizona. Oh so you left after that? Okay,
I left the state not terribly long after all of
that happened. I had already had plans to try and
move there, and you know that's where I ended up

(02:36:15):
meeting my my daughter's dad and getting pregnant with my
daughter and having her there. But you know, I and
then by the time I moved back, you know, he
he's you know, been in the Navy since then, so he,
you know, has been kind of all over and so now,

(02:36:38):
like I think the next time I actually saw him
in person, I'm trying to think might have might have
been after my son was born. Actually, Oh, so there's
a quite a big gap there. Okay, we like we've

(02:37:00):
never been super close, my brother and I and you know,
growing up, you know, I know, he had a lot
of different challenges and so there, you know, I know
he was bullied and picked on and stuff, and so like,

(02:37:22):
I know, he struggled socially too, So you know, there
was a part of me that kind of felt sorry
for him, and I wanted to be his friend. I
wanted to you know, he was my big brother, you know,
I wanted to have a relationship with him, and I tried,
but you know, I think, you know, he Unfortunately, pretty

(02:37:47):
much the majority of my my family members have a
very toxic sense of what love is, or a tox
toxic forms of love, where it's like you know, and
it's all very much rooted in religion and as well

(02:38:10):
as you know, like the unpleasant things we just don't
talk about, you know, the things that are wrong in
the family, We just don't talk about it.

Speaker 1 (02:38:21):
That's most families, I feel, they just kind of sweep,
weep it under the rug, under the rug, yep, yeah,
we'll pretend everything's normal, no problem.

Speaker 2 (02:38:33):
Sure, Yeah. And so it's it's one of those things
where it's it's it's challenging to I think understand that,
you know, yeah, you can grow up in what's seemingly

(02:38:56):
normal family, but because some of this abuse is so
covert and so like I wouldn't I don't know, if
subtle is the right word to use, but covert is
converts the perfect word.

Speaker 3 (02:39:14):
You know.

Speaker 2 (02:39:15):
It's just I love that it's very much under the radars.
It is sight right exactly. And you know, I even
tried to tell my sister in law about you know,
you did my brother my brother molested like I told
her around the time they were married. You know that

(02:39:37):
he had you know, molested me growing up, and you know,
not to leave her daughters alone with him. Wow. What
was her reaction? Like, well, she's the one that then
told me he he Like, I knew my brother had,
you know, some addiction to porn, but it's all incest

(02:39:59):
porn apparently. Oh interesting wyow. So you know I knew
he had a major problem with it, and it was,
I mean, wow, to the point where I no, I
take that back. I saw him again when my daughter
was little because he came. He I take that back.

(02:40:20):
I saw him again and when my daughter was little
because he came to visit my parents for a couple
of weeks. My daughter and I were living with him
at the time, and it was I don't know if
she was even two yet, okay, but basically I remember
at one point because he was staying, you know, sleeping

(02:40:40):
out on the couch, and I worked nights at the time,
and I had come home from work and I was
getting ready for bed, and then I opened the door
to go to the bathroom to go brush my teeth,
and I opened the door and there he is sitting
on the couch jacking up. Oh my god. Immediately shut
the door. Clearly, I think he had putting on the

(02:41:02):
TV or whatever. But you know, it's like, come on,
you know, like seriously. I mean, so that was more
than awkward, but you know, it was one of those
things where, you know, I at that point clearly had

(02:41:25):
blocked that out, you know, like I I I think
I just was so dissociated from it that the only
thing I could do or see myself doing is just
continuing as if nothing had happened, you know, like, you know,

(02:41:48):
because it just it wasn't it wasn't what I could
could process at the time. But anyway, so there's that,
and he he was there for a couple of weeks
before he left. But yeah, it's it's been Our relationship

(02:42:08):
has been pretty distant. And I know when I told
my sister in law about you know, once the memories
started coming back, and I just was very concerned about
their youngest daughter. And she was like, well, that that
couldn't happen, you know, because he's never alone with her.
I'm always here or whatever. And I'm just like, oh, really,

(02:42:30):
you know, because my mom was always there, you know,
my so you know, like that excuse means nothing. Because
these people that are very good at staying hidden from.

Speaker 1 (02:42:48):
Very sneaky, they do it very slyly, right, oh my.

Speaker 2 (02:42:52):
God, And they earned the trust and they are extremely
covert about it. They are extremely good at hiding what
they are doing. So when I hear women try and say, well,
that could never happen on my watch, I just I'm like,

(02:43:12):
believe what you want to believe, but I can guarantee
you your child is not safe in their company, regardless
if you're there in.

Speaker 1 (02:43:21):
The house or not, because it happened to you with
your mom right in the house, right, yeah. I mean
the rape itself was done when she was gone out
of that's right, like the grooming and all.

Speaker 2 (02:43:35):
Of that exactly. She was at home, she was in bed,
you know, she was asleep. She entrusted and two at
times care for us, you know, or whatever. So it
just to me that just is as much as you
think you might be able to protect your kids being

(02:43:59):
in the house the same house as an abuser, it's not.
I can guarantee you there's nothing you can do to
protect them as long as you're always being kind of
vulnera aware, right right, Yeah, No, yeah, as long as
you allow them contact, you are leaving your child open

(02:44:20):
to abuse. You are leaving your child open to being
taken advantage of, to being groomed, to all of that.
And you know, that's why I think it's so important
that we are teaching our kids, at even the youngest
of ages, in an age appropriate way, because there are

(02:44:41):
age appropriate ways of being like, hey, you know this
is you know this is an appropriate touch, or this
is not an appropriate place to touch you know, like
where your bathing suit goes, no one else should be
touching you kind of thing, Like, I mean, it doesn't
have to be sexual. When you first start developing these

(02:45:04):
boundaries and building this sense of autonomy, because as a child,
you're still very connected in a lot of ways to
your parents. You don't see yourself as necessarily being separate heaven,
So you know, it's really important to allow children to

(02:45:25):
have their sense of autonomy and sense of self and
boundaries because growing up I didn't have any boundaries. I
didn't learn any boundaries. My mom didn't have any boundaries.
So how could she teach you something that she didn't
understand exactly exactly? And I mean I even remember, like
being a teenager and her just learning about boundaries, Wow,

(02:45:48):
setting boundaries, you know, Like, but I you know, it's
still something that I think, you know, she probably is
still learning, I'm sure, And I know it's something I'm
still having to learn too. I think I definitely have
probably a better sense of that in some ways than

(02:46:12):
her maybe, But and you know that, and just knowing
what I'm willing to, you know, allow, and what i'm not,
you know, and what I'm okay with and what I'm not,
and knowing that it's okay to say no, and it's
okay to not have relationships with people who are either

(02:46:37):
a toxic influence or you know, just have kind of
draining toxic energy. It's okay to distance yourself. It's okay
to say no, I don't want to have a relationship
with you anymore, even though you are a family member.
And I know that's not always going to be, you know,

(02:46:59):
the step and and RTE choice for everybody, but for
me it was it was important that I removed myself
from those relationships in order to heal. That's a big
part of it.

Speaker 1 (02:47:12):
I find a lot of survivors need to do that.
They need that removal step, not saying it has to
be forever. Maybe for some people it's just too toxic
and you have to remove yourself entirely, and that's fine,
but for some people you can, you know, if both
parties are open to it, you can come together again
and help the healing occur. Have you have you said

(02:47:33):
anything to any family member since unlocking all of these memories,
since undergoing your healing journey? Have you told your mom,
told your dad, confront it your brother?

Speaker 2 (02:47:48):
Well, I know when it came to the memories of
what my brother and his friends did, I did tell
my parents. I reported it to the police, of course,
there I did. There's it's been so long ago, there's
really nothing, no supportive evidence out there. Really, I mean,

(02:48:09):
I know who they are, I know their names. I've
figured that out. But beyond that, and to me, there's
there's a part of me that you know is is

(02:48:35):
Like I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about it.
There's a part of me that's a big part of
me that's just like, you know what it's. It is
what it is, you know, Like I know it's going
to play out how it needs to and that it's
going to be addressed on an energetic or spiritual level
with them. So I'm not concerned about that. Plus, I

(02:48:55):
also know that our current prison system, our current justice
system is so broken and it is not designed to
heal anybody. It is not designed if only. If anything,
it's only going to cause more trauma and pain. And
I really that's not my goal. I know, I don't
want to be causing more trauma and pain. So you know,

(02:49:21):
that part, I'm not worried about, I guess in that sense. Plus,
when you look at even the cases that where it's
very obvious and they even have all the evidence and
people are still let off or if they do get
any time, it's very minimal, you know, And it's really
frustrating because I don't think people realize the harm and

(02:49:45):
the pain that sexual abuse causes. Especially you know, as
a developing child, you know, your brain is still developing,
you know, and everything. So it affects you on a
very deep level, on a brain level, nervous system level.
So you know, I think, you know, when I confronted

(02:50:09):
my parents about it or said something to my parents
about it, my mom does not believe my brother was involved.
She does believe me that I was raped and all
of that, but she she does not believe my brother
was involved. She's chosen to believe that, you know, in
her mind, that did not happen. So you know, that's

(02:50:31):
pretty pretty typical of like her belief system too. That
just shies with everything else you've shared about her. And
she tends to be in denial about the family members, right,
she doesn't want to believe it. And I can understand,
like I get it.

Speaker 1 (02:50:49):
Who wants to believe that that your own child or
your husband is capable of doing that?

Speaker 2 (02:50:55):
Terrifying. It is terrifying. So my dad, you know, like
I even had my parents read this book called Complex
PTSD from Surviving to Thriving, and I know they both
I think related to it on some level. But you know,
my dad, essentially it was it was kind of like

(02:51:18):
basically because when I was talking to him about how
you know, it's a lot of times with trauma memories,
when you look back on them, it feels like you're observing,
you know'bsol likely like you're observing it happening to you
because you're disassociating from your body. So he was able
to relate to that because of his own trauma. And

(02:51:41):
you know, I think I might have gotten a sorry,
oh wow, that's right, or like I'm sorry that happened,
or something like that. I don't know, that's a.

Speaker 1 (02:51:54):
Big step, right, but he, you know, he said sorry.

Speaker 2 (02:51:58):
He sort of acknowledged what my other and his friends did.
I guess. Yeah. Honestly, it was very weird, though it
was okay. It was very like, you know, kind of
it felt forced. It felt like not genuine, Like yeah,
it was kind of genuine. It was just kind of
like like under the breath and almost like I don't

(02:52:20):
even want to acknowledge, got it okay? At least that's
how it came across to me. My sister knows about it.
She's she's the only family member that I stay in
contact with, okay, And she's been supportive of you, as
as supportive as she can be. I think it's really

(02:52:41):
hard for her. I mean, I know, she's got her
own stuff that she's dealing with as well, and healing
and burnout and all of that, and so, you know,
I think it's painful for her, and so I don't
really talk to her about it a whole lot, especially anymore,
just because it's it's a lot, you know, And I realized,

(02:53:05):
you know, and she's still in contact with my parents
as far as I know, so you know, I I
don't know, I don't know exactly what's going on. Like
my mom when it came to, you know, the bit
about my dad, when I tried to tell her, and

(02:53:25):
it was just at the very beginning and I hadn't
even really started fully remembering anything yet, and she just
was like no, and then like left my house. Wow, okay.
So like it was just this immediate denial of like,
you know, absolutely not. So like I'm like, okay, you know,

(02:53:46):
if that's how you want to deal with it, that's
your choice. But you know, it was disappointing to say
the least. It is sad. It is disappointing because when
I look back on it, it's like and time and
time again, the response that I got from her was
never supportive or loving or comforting really, you know, it

(02:54:15):
was it was I know. I remember after I had
told my mom and she had taken me the doctor,
my dad apolodics all that, and I thought about running away,
decided not to. But then at one point, you know,
I was with my preschool teacher because I was still

(02:54:35):
having issues in the in the bathroom because it was
still stinging when I had to go to the bathrone.
So I remember at one point saying something to her,
and then she went and told my mom, oh wow.
And so we lived not even five minutes from where
I went was going to preschool, which was at the church,

(02:54:56):
and I remember my mom talking to be and being like,
you can't tell anyone. You can't even tell your sister,
you know. And in the car she seemed like relatively
calm and just like you know, she wasn't yelling or anything.
It was just like very like I need you to understand,
you know, how important this is. And I was like, okay,

(02:55:19):
you know, And then we get home and then she's
by the I think she was in her head about
it on the way home, because by the time we
got home, she was she was irritated, she was she
was mad and and she basically spanked me. And I
asked her, you know why I was getting a spanking

(02:55:40):
because normally she would tell me. Okay, normally the whole
spanking thing was like she told me what I did wrong.
She spanked me, she hugged me, she prayed with me,
kind of thing. Okay. I was her approach to discipline
as weird and not healthy as it was. So you know,

(02:56:00):
this was the only time she would not tell me why. Wow.
She refused, She was like, you know what you did? Wow?
And in my mind it was already resolved. We had
already talked it out so to speak in the car,
like I didn't understand what I did that was so wrong,

(02:56:22):
you know, And so I think that really just solidified. Yeah,
don't talk about this, you know, like you never talk
about this.

Speaker 1 (02:56:33):
So it's like bury these family secrets, right, Yeah. And
it's like the skeleton in the closet almost that analogy. Yeah,
most definitely, because I'd even had in my teenage years
and even later years, you know, be had questioned even
after the thing with my brother and seeing the doctor,

(02:56:55):
you know, basically asking if there was any kind of
sexual abuse or result kind of going on or with
the doctor, it was you know, you know, penetration.

Speaker 2 (02:57:04):
But you know, I was like no, you know because
in my mind because it was I had buried it
so incredibly deep underneath, you know. I it was like,
it was like, Okay, we're going to bury that for
other twenty years and so and it wasn't again, Like

(02:57:28):
I said, you know, if you're living and embedded in
an environment where you're still surrounded by your users, or
you're still in that toxic environment or unhealthy environment, your
subconscious is not going to allow you to remember that.

Speaker 1 (02:57:46):
You know, that's a really important point you're making for
people listening. Yeah, you have to be in a safe
space in order for those memories to come back to
the surface and for the healing journey to commence truly, right.

Speaker 2 (02:58:00):
Yeah, exactly, And so it's I think it's it's really important,
And I think there's nothing wrong with taking a break
from toxic relationships or people until you have fully healed,
and then you can then give discernment on how much
time and energy you want to spend around people that

(02:58:22):
maybe are a little draining or maybe are a little toxic.
You love them, but you want to love them from
Afar and that's okay, that's okay to do that. Absolutely.
So you know, as far as you know, after what
my brother and his friends had done, it probably took

(02:58:44):
over a year before I could have a bowel movement
that was not painful. Yeah, and that did not like
I mean, and even after that, even for a number
of years, there were times where it would I would
just tear open again. Oh, bleed pretty much bleed every

(02:59:06):
time I had to go to the bathroom. So it
made it really hard in a long process to heal
because I was constantly retearing reopening those wounds, and it
was really painful. And I mean, so it's you know,
it's one of those things where you know, there were

(02:59:30):
definitely some physical after effects that you know, and tolls,
it's it's taken on my body. So I think, you know,
I think that's a big part of what has made

(02:59:50):
me realize, you know, no, this isn't just in my head,
as you know, which is kind of an easy go
to for people who don't want to acknowledge something that's
been going on in the family or whatever. Well, that
person is mentally ill. So we're just going to label
that person as crazy. Label that person is mentally ill

(03:00:11):
or having false memories, or whatever it might be, and
it's easy to write that person off. And what I've found,
not only in my family, but in speaking to other
people who've been through similar experiences, is a lot of
times all the other family members or the majority of

(03:00:32):
the family members will side with the abuser and will
not They don't believe the person who's speaking up about
the abuse. And it's really really sad, and I think
people don't understand that some of these really covert abusers
are very selective about who they abuse and when some

(03:00:55):
of them target only one person, only one child, or
or whatever, because that way, it makes their story less believable.
If they do say anything about it, it's like, well,
nobody else has had that experience with this person, so
why should we believe, you know, And it's just because

(03:01:16):
somebody didn't do it to you doesn't mean it didn't
happen to somebody else, exactly. It doesn't mean that they
didn't like expose that dark side of themselves to someone
else and play out some sick fantasy or game or
whatever it is. You know, I you know, I'll I

(03:01:37):
don't know that I'll ever understand the desire or reasoning
behind why people do those things. I realize it stems
from fear, lack of control, and essentially dark energies and
things like that affecting people.

Speaker 1 (03:01:52):
It's multi layered. I find for most people it's very
multi layered.

Speaker 2 (03:01:58):
Yeah, I think it's a very complex thing because you know,
I think there's conditioning, there's you know, generational abuse, there's
you know, there's so many different factors that can play into.

Speaker 1 (03:02:13):
And on top of that, like in the physical factors,
there is the multi dimensional factor to it, where there's
distorted coding in their fields in the gene code. For
these people, it's like almost it's like inevitable.

Speaker 2 (03:02:28):
I guess that maybe you can answer this question for
me because I guess that's my because I've I've watched
some different things on pedophilia and pedophiles and like how
it brain wise, what's going on, and like the how
the attraction kind of for you know, age span, you know,

(03:02:52):
for most people, you know, it eventually like kind of changes, yeah,
for people who are pedophiles. But like when it comes
to like I guess the spiritual or energetic aspect there
there there isn't any part of me that really believes
that that's natural. I feel like it's a distortion for me. Yea,

(03:03:17):
it is. I feel like that is not normal for
people to be attracted to children. Now I realize there's
a whole community of people who are even trying to
make child marriage possible. Oh god. And some of these
like pedophile kind of communities, they they you know, think

(03:03:40):
that it's okay, I guess. But I've also seen some
pedophiles who are very aware that it's wrong, and they
are aware of their condition, but they don't actually use children. Okay. Yeah,
Now I think I've only seen maybe one, so there's
not many. Yeah, yeah, with that level of awareness, with

(03:04:02):
that level of awareness, like like obviously, I'm sure it's
got to be a struggle for them, but at least
they are aware and conscious of doing something like that
is incredibly detrimental to that child and crosses a major

(03:04:23):
boundary and is a very unhealthy a view of a
relationship with a child to you know, interact with them
in that way. Yeah. You know, children were never ever
meant to be used as a sexual no, no, for anything,

(03:04:51):
I know, absolutely not, I know.

Speaker 1 (03:04:56):
And a lot of these you know, people who are
committing will say, these types of crimes, they've got code convolution,
their codes and an energetic level we're talking, I'm not
talking physical does manifest physically, but energetic level, a multi
dimensional level, they have code convolution. Just imagine like a
nice row of numbers one, two, three, four, nice ordered fashion.

(03:05:19):
That's you and I, then these people it's all out
of whack, it's all mixed in. Yeah, that's the best
way to sort of kind of put it in a
simplistic way. And some people have more code convolution than others.
Imagine just a big bat black blob of energy and
imagine looking at someone's field, at their body. Some people

(03:05:41):
have no black blobs of energy within there, and they're
pretty clean and good. Others they're fully covered. Others could
be eighty percent covered, you know, fifty percent covered. Again,
everyone is so unique and different, and a lot of
it has to do with your consciousness and other choices
you made in other FaceTime locations and up and down

(03:06:01):
the time matrix scale and other times, and also what
family line, the linea you birth into physically makes a difference.
There's some lines that are completely tainted, and there's actually
a lot of good souls I have found who you
can call them Illuminati kind of family lines. They're just
they're they're race lines that are very distorted down here
right now. And not just Illuminati. There's you know, normal

(03:06:24):
family lines that are distorted. But I've met many beautiful souls, good, good,
pure souls who chose to incarnate into those family lines
to clear it for good.

Speaker 2 (03:06:35):
Yeah, I definitely one of them. I kind of feel
that way too, you are, I do identify with that.
I definitely have felt out of place in my family.
A lot don't belong, Yeah, don't technically, yeah, like a
lot of just a lot of their belief systems, and
even growing up, I just like even the black sheep, Yeah, yeah,

(03:06:59):
even though I adopt a lot of them as a
young person, just because I had no voice. Yeah, I
was like, well, you know, I've got to believe that
they're telling me the truth, you know, because why would
they lie to me? Yep? You know, and of course
they didn't realize that, you know, what their beliefs are
or even lies, so you know, like it's it's one

(03:07:20):
of those things where even though I adopted them and
kind of took them on as my own for a time.
It didn't sit with me. It didn't sit right with me.
It didn't you like, I didn't feel it in my heart,
Like there were certain things that I'm just like, no,
you know, right, that's incorrect, what's wrong? You know, Like

(03:07:41):
I could tell you till I'm blue in the face.
But they you know, like I mean, I mean, I
think I probably try as a real young person, but
just like didn't get anywhere with anybody. Nobody listened to me.
So that yeah, I think that's most of us. When
we were young.

Speaker 1 (03:07:58):
I used to speak out at I remember being in
an elementary school. We were learning about like history, and
I raised my hand and I'm like, that's incorrect. I said,
those history books all rewritten, we can't trust all. And
the teacher looked at me like whoa.

Speaker 2 (03:08:14):
Like whoa, And that's out of the mouth of babes
right where. You know, some of the stuff that they say,
you're like, man, there's they're definitely awake to something. Yeah
they remember, they know, yeah, yeah it's true. And some
of them still remember consciously, you know, like even you know,
I see sometimes some of these videos or things of

(03:08:38):
kids talking about stuff that it's like, how in the world.
Could they possibly know that exactly?

Speaker 1 (03:08:43):
Yeah, it's their soul remembering, not forgetting, which is a
blessing because we have amnesia down here. It was done
that way purposely. There was done things done to the
planetary grids that therefore wiped out our memory. But as
we're healing the planet, healing the collective human race, we're
getting our direct cognition memories back that coming back online

(03:09:07):
and the next generation being born, like they won't have
to worry about having to forget and then remember, thank god.
Like we had a kind of hard we had to
come in not knowing anything, having our memories wiped from
us when we popped into these bodies, and having to
kind of navigate this crazy frickin' world right now and
then awaken and remember the truth. It hasn't been easy hard.

Speaker 2 (03:09:30):
It has it hasn't. I think. I think that was
what I found so frustrating as a kid. It's like,
why can't I remember out of the Yes, I got
to do this, I can do that. Why can't I,
you know, like and and I definitely like I do remember.
This is kind of wild. I had a memory of
actually astral projecting.

Speaker 1 (03:09:50):
When I was travel that yep, yep, very much real,
very much tangible.

Speaker 2 (03:09:55):
I mean, everyone leaves their bodies every night pretty much always,
and I can't consciously do it anymore. At least I'm
not there again yet. You will be able to eventually, Yeah,
I'm sure eventually I'll be again. But at the time,
you know, it was weird because I was actually I

(03:10:16):
did it to help my mom find her car keys.
Oh I love that. That is so funny. And you
were able to locate them, I'm sure, right, Yeah, of course.
I remember her just like completely panicking because she couldn't
find her car keys, and I think I had gone
inside to try and help her find them, okay, and

(03:10:37):
then she put me back in the car like she
was irritated gotten out of the car. She's like, no,
you need to stay in the car. So I was like, okay.
You know, she had belted me in and everything, so
I'm like, okay, So I can't do it that way.
So I like, I remember, like you knew what to do,
like left my body and I searched through the house
and I found them. And then once I found them,

(03:10:57):
I got out of the car and ran back inside
and showed her where they were. And from then on
she called me her eagle eye. Little does she know
I did it. I asked her, objected to find her. Like,
we should be.

Speaker 1 (03:11:13):
Able to do this all the time as humans. And
again it's the the ability has been blocked from us,
purposely by the fallen collectives who are been holding us
hostage here for eons at this point present planet.

Speaker 2 (03:11:26):
But we're working free.

Speaker 1 (03:11:27):
Because we all can do that. We all have the
skill set to whether it's a mental bylocation or it's
a full blown projection journey you're going. I mean, there's
many layers to time time travel, and many modalities to
doing it, you know, sometimes leaving the body, sometimes you
can bring your full body, a transfiguration you can do.
It's all possible and tangible. It's all very much real,

(03:11:48):
but it's.

Speaker 2 (03:11:48):
Been blocked from us.

Speaker 1 (03:11:50):
And now's the time period we reclaim these gifts and
so we have credit to the future generations so they
don't have to work as hard, you know, getting getting
getting these the skill set back.

Speaker 2 (03:12:01):
No, like life does not have to be this hard.
It can be so much easier intended to be this
crazy hard. No, Yeah, And I even remember as a
kid at one point like being little and my parents
talking about, oh, we're going to go see gram and
Grandpa and you know, like and and I'm like, okay,
you know, and I was like ready to go right

(03:12:21):
then and there. And I was ready to like you know,
circle up and hold hands and just and project. Yeah
you remember. I love it. Oh my god, You're like,
we're getting it. We're getting in a car. What's this Yeah,
And they were like, no, you know, we're not going today.
We're getting in a car and it's going to be
like over two hours. And you know, like I'm just

(03:12:43):
like what I'm like, you know, I'm like I was.
I was fully ready to like teleport there. I love that.
Oh my god, you you remember at a young age.
I love that. Yeah. I think I remembered on some
level that that's how we were able to like, you know,
travel and.

Speaker 1 (03:13:04):
Not the speed of thought quite literally, that's what it
should be.

Speaker 2 (03:13:07):
Like, that's all. That's all it takes. And that's the
wild part is, like, man, I can't wait to relearn
how to do all that stuff again, to be able
to just, God, if I want to go to another
part of the world, you know, with somebody, just be
able to go and be there, and it's like, you know,

(03:13:27):
especially learning about all the stargates that have been disabled
and shut down on the planet. Yeah, you're like, oh
my gosh, you know, no wonder we were able to
go for our distances. Yeah, you know so easily. And
archaeologists are trying to figure out now, like how is
it that this wasn't that hard part of the world.

(03:13:48):
We did not need planes, we didn't need cars.

Speaker 1 (03:13:51):
Yeah, we just needed ourselves quite literally, wait exactly.

Speaker 2 (03:13:55):
And same with the telepathy. I think I even kind
of had a realization at one point as a young
person that you know, like I I couldn't telepathically communicate
with people.

Speaker 1 (03:14:08):
Probably was frustrating, right, like why why can't you hear me?

Speaker 2 (03:14:11):
Like why can't I? Yeah, because I mean I definitely
And and this is I think somewhat of a download
where I feel like part of the reason I would
cry at night as an infant was because I was

(03:14:32):
feeling all of the emotions that I was going to
feel in this lifetime. Oh my god, if I could
if I could survive it, to see if I could
get through and that because like, and it makes you wonder,
like a lot of these kids, babies or babies who
die in infancy, because it is a choice. We still
have a choice after we're born. We can leave, and

(03:14:55):
there's many outs we can take. Absolutely yes, right to
be like Okay, no, I can't do it.

Speaker 1 (03:15:01):
I got to do this again, try a different body,
go to a different linear Absolutely right.

Speaker 2 (03:15:07):
And so I definitely feel like I remember, so to speak,
being like, Okay, you know, as painful as this is
going to be, I think I can do it. You know,
I'm going to stay. You're saying this. Wow. It was
one of those things where I think it was somewhat
kind of like a training that I was going through,

(03:15:28):
so to speak, at night, seeing if your body could
handle it, Yeah, to see if I could handle the
emotional pain, because I'm telling you it's it's significant, and
healing that is is a big deal.

Speaker 3 (03:15:45):
You know.

Speaker 2 (03:15:46):
I think it's probably some of the deepest emotional pain
I've ever felt. You know, I know, abusive relationships and
partners are painful, and I've definitely been through the healing
process with that, and I feel like those were almost
stepping stones to get to.

Speaker 3 (03:16:04):
This till to to heal and from you know, this
much deeper trauma that has occurred within my family, and
so it's.

Speaker 2 (03:16:17):
It's a blessing, you know, blessing in a way, so
to speak, in that respect, and you know, I've definitely,
you know, healed from that, you know, forgiven and moved on,
and so it's you know, now it's more more or
less that deeper trauma and then just trying to you know,

(03:16:40):
find my footing and way forward and being able to
continue to heal and help others through that process as well,
because it is it can be very isolating. It's lonely.

Speaker 1 (03:16:55):
It's very lonely going through a healing journey, and it
kind of has to be alone on some level, but
it doesn't have to fully be alone, like you can support.

Speaker 2 (03:17:04):
Definitely, there are definitely, I think times where that isolation
was important and needed, but sustained isolation, you know, long term,
is not good for our mental health. I think I'm
at a point in my journey where I'm like, I
need to find my community. I need to find my

(03:17:26):
people kind of thing and and start building and creating
the things that you know, we want to see changed
and and and better. You know, I think, you know,
it's hard to admit when you've you've messed up and

(03:17:47):
that's hard to admit, and it's it's hard to heal
that too, you know. And so I I want to
acknowledge the people that are are doing the hard work
of acknowledging when they have caused pain and you know,
acknowledging that and you know, fessing up to it or

(03:18:09):
asking for forgiveness or apologizing. I mean, I can't tell
you how much it would mean to me just to
get an apology. Yeah, well I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and
I know that won't happen. But at the same time,
you know, I don't think people realize how powerful that

(03:18:29):
can be for someone who has has been been hurt. Yeah,
And when it comes to the healing process, a lot
of times it's just having that acknowledgment. Yeah, and that
sometimes can be a huge piece of the healing process

(03:18:50):
for people. And I think it, to be honest, it
would do wonders if more of us did that, you know,
acknowledge like, yeah, I fucked up. And I know I
personally have made plenty of mistakes in my life. And
no one's perfect.

Speaker 1 (03:19:07):
We all have right, We're only human, We're in these
human bodies, you know, we make mistakes.

Speaker 2 (03:19:12):
And that's okay. It's part of the growing process and learning.
So it's like, you know, I really don't want people
to feel like they're bad for feeling like they are
for admitting that they've done something wrong. Like that's just
part of the human experience. We're all going to screw
up and get it wrong sometimes. What makes the biggest
difference in what's so healing is when we acknowledge when

(03:19:35):
we've messed up and like, Okay, I'm going to learn
from this, I'm gonna I'm going to try and do
better next time. Yes, I like that.

Speaker 1 (03:19:44):
I'm simply good to try to do better.

Speaker 2 (03:19:47):
Yeah, that's what it's all about. You know. It's yeah,
you're not going to get it right, maybe not even
the second time or third time around, but that's okay.
If you're putting in the effort, if you're trying, people
can sense that and recognize that when you're putting in
the effort, and people can sense and recognize when you're

(03:20:07):
not putting in an effort absolutely something. So you know,
I think that's another big piece is like, you know,
it needs to be genuine, it needs it needs to
be a genuine desire to change and I realize change
is hard, you know, and a lot of people are

(03:20:27):
resistant to so hard, and it has to be on
like their own terms, on their own timeline too. We
can't force people change.

Speaker 1 (03:20:38):
They have to want to and when they're ready, we're
here to support them and help them on.

Speaker 2 (03:20:42):
The healing journey. But it's totally on them.

Speaker 1 (03:20:45):
It's got to take self responsibility, truly, but it can
be done. Your living proof that healing is one thousand
percent possible, yes, and having a beautiful new least on
life is possible, and giving back and helping others, you know.
I do feel very strongly everything you went through. Your
soul obviously chose this path. You knew you can handle

(03:21:08):
it because you're here to help the greater collective heal
from this sort of trauma.

Speaker 2 (03:21:14):
I definitely think that's part of the reason I'm here, and.

Speaker 1 (03:21:17):
It's a huge sacrifice, your soulmate, So I'm thinking you.

Speaker 2 (03:21:20):
On behalf of the collective. Thank you, thank you. I
definitely there are times where I'm like, why did I
agree to trust me?

Speaker 1 (03:21:28):
I'm sitting here the same thing. I'm like, did I
really write that in my contract?

Speaker 2 (03:21:33):
Did I nearly choose? I think we all probably feel
that way, and times like this, like did I really
was in my right mind?

Speaker 1 (03:21:43):
I'm always asking to see my contract and like, can
I see a copy of that?

Speaker 2 (03:21:47):
They're just like you know it for a last girl,
you know this was coming. So yeah, I think, you know,
it does help to for at least for me, it
has helped having that higher perspective or being able to
connect with my higher self and my higher view of

(03:22:13):
of of of what happened and how you know, h
it is. That's what's kind of helped me find periods
and times of where I can feel compassion and love
and unconditional love. And I do wish I do wish
them healing, all healing and and and growth. I think

(03:22:35):
you know they they deserve it, you know. I I
realize so much of their behavior does stem from their
own traumas. Yeah, and so it's again not it doesn't
excuse it, but it definitely gives a perspective, you know.

(03:22:56):
And so I I again I want to reiterate this
is not to demonize anyone in my family or shame them.
It is merely to acknowledge the existence of this kind
of trauma and the damage that it can do. But

(03:23:18):
that it's also possible to heal, you know, like it
is possible to move forward and find love again, you know.
And you know, I think for me, a lot of
that has looked like being on my own so far,

(03:23:39):
and you know, really limiting the number of relationships and
people I have in my life and disengaging from For me,
I've disengaged from any kind of dating or anything like that.
You know, like that just isn't even on my radar
right now, because I'm like, I I need to I

(03:24:02):
need to heal this first, absolutely, Yeah, I get that
important to heal ourselves and become our most authentic and
whole self as much as possible before we bring somebody
else and relationship.

Speaker 1 (03:24:17):
For believer in that, Yeah, that's why there's so much
divorce and unhappy relationships. There's unhealed people together. You need
to do your healing work before you come together in
union with another.

Speaker 2 (03:24:29):
It's just right how it should be. It's the better
route to choose, oh, most definitely. And we don't have
healthy examples in the media or even in our lives
really of what a healthy relationship looks like. No, we
really don't. I think, especially in high school, I would
love to see high school kids and maybe even a

(03:24:50):
little younger learn about what emotional abuse is and what
that looks like.

Speaker 1 (03:24:53):
I like that, that's a really good idea to implement
in the school system.

Speaker 2 (03:24:57):
Oh my god, yeah, because I had no idea what
emotional abuse was or had even heard the term until
I was probably thirty when I awakened or wait the
thing right like, I mean, you know experienced this, right
like you you obviously know about physical abuse. I mean,

(03:25:17):
that's that's the most common, that's the most common we
we hear about or see portrayed. And again, this whole
notion of sexual abuse often is you know, it's a stranger,
when in fact, it's almost always somebody you know.

Speaker 1 (03:25:33):
Yep, usually at home, it's happening nine times ago, yep.

Speaker 2 (03:25:37):
I think the general you know, social portrayal of what
abuse looks like and even what you know sexual abuse
looks like, or how it how it manifests, or you know,
what's acceptable as far as what forms are talked about,
because it seems like the only acceptable form is if

(03:25:58):
if it is a stranger, you know, it's like, oh,
then we can talk about the scary stranger coming after
you stranger and when our biggest issue is the mental health,
emotional health and well being within ourselves and in our families. Absolutely,

(03:26:18):
so I think it's really important that we address this.
It's it's you know, it's it's it's not going to
be easy, but it's necessary. And you know, like I said,
I think that just having that knowledge base of like
what is a healthy relationship? What does what does emotional

(03:26:40):
abuse look like? How does it manifest? Because it looks different,
you know, like global verbal and emotional abuse. Then there's narcissism,
and then there's so many layers to it, right, yeah, gaslighting,
so many different terms that a lot of people just
aren't even familiar with, you know, and and or even

(03:27:03):
willing to acknowledge. And it just speaks to you know,
I think I think people's inability to recognize narcissism when
they see it, especially when it comes to people and
in positions of leadership.

Speaker 1 (03:27:25):
Most of them, most of them are right are And
narcissism is linked directly to the fall and collective and a.

Speaker 2 (03:27:33):
Distorted right right, that's the battle. And I think I
think there are even studies now that are linking trauma
to mental health issues. You know and you know mental illness.

Speaker 1 (03:27:47):
I always think no one's crazy.

Speaker 2 (03:27:50):
Nobody is crazy.

Speaker 1 (03:27:51):
I'm the firm belor in that to put a crazy label.
No people have been through trauma. That's the bottom line. Yep,
they're not crazy. They've just been through more than the
average person. We can say, no one's crazy. I hate
that crazy label.

Speaker 2 (03:28:06):
It needs to like and yeah, well that and when
you think about, okay, especially when you talk about people
who have hallucinations and it's like, is it really hallucinations
or are they being a like spectrum that nobody else,
Thank you, spectrum are not hallucinations. I can assure you

(03:28:27):
of that, right, Okay, Well, I guess we'll label them
as hallucinations because nobody else can see it exactly. We
just don't have a full understanding of our world. And
I think that's a big ben the biggest downfall of yep,

(03:28:47):
humans is that we just don't have the true understanding
of how this universe.

Speaker 1 (03:28:56):
We're multi dimensional beings. That's first and foremost in society.
Can't even understand that portion of it. Like science thinks
they know shit, they know nothing. I mean, there's so
many layers to creation and and science and spirituality were
always merged into one. The process of ascension is the
process of evolution, simply put, and yeah, I mean kelantic science.

Speaker 2 (03:29:21):
It covers everything.

Speaker 1 (03:29:22):
The freedom teachings or so many labels for this, this
body of work. It's simply just a body of knowledge
of science and and spirituality combined into one, teaching you
about all the layers of your multi dimensional anatomy. And
also the planet has a multi dimensional anatomy. The planet
is alive and well and is a consciousness in and

(03:29:43):
of itself. And God, there's so many layers to it,
and and what's happening in space. I mean just it's
it encompasses so much and if only more people would
just open their eyes a little bit to this truth.
You just kind of go down this rabbit hole, don't
We'll say completely, just you know, block it out because
it seems too woo woo. Once you actually start really

(03:30:04):
diving deeper down the rabbit hole, it makes such logical sense.

Speaker 2 (03:30:08):
Oh yeah, yeah, it's like, yeah, this is how.

Speaker 1 (03:30:11):
It always has been. How we forget we forget.

Speaker 2 (03:30:14):
This yeah right, yeah, well yeah, though we're shifting it now.
This is a big part of it.

Speaker 1 (03:30:21):
And exposure, exposing stories like yours, telling stories like yours,
teaching about the healing process.

Speaker 2 (03:30:27):
This is all. It's all encompassing.

Speaker 1 (03:30:30):
The healing journey and the awakening journey go hand in hand.
They code so beautifully. It's you can't have one.

Speaker 2 (03:30:36):
Without the other. You just can't.

Speaker 1 (03:30:38):
It's an impossibility. Yeah, well, thank you so much. This
was I mean just so incredible.

Speaker 2 (03:30:45):
I think we chat.

Speaker 1 (03:30:46):
I think it's been three and a half hours, I think,
or maybe yeh know, we started, we started twelve twelve
thirty my time, eleven thirty your time recording.

Speaker 2 (03:30:56):
It's already four o'clock my time. Oh my god, how
to be talk at the time.

Speaker 1 (03:31:01):
Time, Like we said, time is not real. But this
conversation was so incredible. You're so brave, you're so courageous,
and you're a true warrior. You are, and I thank
you on behalf of the collective for everything, just everything
that you're going through, the experiences that you had, and

(03:31:24):
the work that you're doing in this life to help
help everybody the collective heal and and really will say
expose truth. You are a truth warrior. So I thank
you so much. And you'll have to come back on
in the future again.

Speaker 2 (03:31:39):
Yeah, I definitely I would love to just even talk
to you again anytime. Oh my gosh, I love totally girl. Yeah,
kindred Spirit for sure. Absolutely absolutely, thank you, thank you,
thank you, yes, thank you for giving me this opportunity
and just getting to meet you and know you and

(03:31:59):
the work that you're doing is just a huge blessing.
I I'm so glad that we've had this time together.
So thank you.

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Surviving Incest & Childhood Abuse – Charity LeGrand’s Story of Healing

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Surviving Incest & Childhood Abuse – Charity LeGrand’s Story of Healing