Fancy Pants - Lux Radio Theatre (09-10-51)

Original Air Date: September 10, 1951
Host: Andrew Rhynes
Show: Western Stories
Phone: (707) 98 OTRDW (6-8739)

Stars:
• Bob Hope (Humphrey)
• Lucille Ball (Agatha Floud)

Special Guests:
• Gail Bonney
• Constance Cavendish
• Charlie Lung
• Edwin Max
• Robert O
• Dan O'Herlihy
• Norma Varden
• Joan Taylor

Producer:
• William Keighley

Writer:
• Edmund Hartman

Exit music from: Roundup on the Prairie by Aaron Kenny https://bit.ly/3kTj0kK

Episode Transcript

(00:13):
Welcome to the old time radio Westerns. I'm your host Andrew Ryns and let's
get into this episode. This episodeis going to be Western stories. This
story comes from Lux Radio Theater.Original airdate September tenth, nineteen fifty one,
and the title is Fancy Pants.Let's get into it, and I
hope you enjoy. Lux Resents,Hollywood Leap, Her Brothers Company, the

(00:42):
makers of Lux Toilet Shop bring youthe Lux Radio Theater starring Bob Hope and
Lucille Ball in Fancy Back. Gentleman, your body, said mister William Keeler,
reading from Hollywood, Ladies and gentlemen, One of man's greatest gifts is

(01:07):
that of laughter, particularly the talentfor making other people laugh Tonight. As
our stars, we are fortunate enoughto have two clowns, first, the
unpredictable mister Robert Hope, and second, and by far the prettier of the
two, Miss Lucille Ball. Wewill present this extraordinary team in their paramount
picture Riot Fancy Pants. Our FancyPants was adapted from the novel Ruggles of

(01:32):
Red Gap by Harry Leon Wilson andis a perfect vehicle for the talents of
our versatile comedian Bob Hope and glamorouscomedian Lucille Ball. You know, I
think the glamorous comedian is here tostay. No longer do our feminine comics
wear frompty clothes and funny makeups.Their sheep well groomed, and just like

(01:53):
our lux girls, they guard theirbeauty with Luck toilet soap, which they
now assures am the very best incomplexion care. Now, fancy fans,
starring Bob Hope as Humphrey and LucilleBall as Aggie. It's England A nineteen

(02:20):
hundred and five and out in thecountryside. A third rate group of actors
has just concluded another dismal performance.We're backstage now and the cast is on
its usual topic of discussion. Thatbrilliant actor Humphrey the Butler. I don't
know where he came here. Ican't stand anymore. Either that blundering monster

(02:40):
Humphrey leaves the show or I leaveit. Oh my dear women, Now
don't blame me, I'm only thestage manager. Oh what's the use,
We're not even making expenses. Isuggest we all leave the cast and go
home. Humphrey will never go home. I know he won't it's an American
plot. I tell you to ruinthe entire British theater. A little applause,

(03:02):
please, I'm about to make myentrance quick, idiot, thank you,
thank you, elidor please that's enoughfor marks. There's no more room
between my shoulder blades. You know, with a little concentration, I may
become another Gromiko loundering American idiot fiendTurtler. I'm now have you'll all keep

(03:25):
quiet for just a moment. I'vegot some news for you. It so
happens that the young Earl of Brinsteadwas in the audience to nine royal Yes,
not only in it, but theEarl of Brinstead has a proposition to
offer you. You know, he'swaiting in the office. Come along,
all of you. We are theentire splendid cast, I presume. Now

(03:46):
let me warn you, Earld,we're the finest actors in the British Empire.
Were going to be real tough todeal with. Now, what's your
proposition? Well, we'll take it, ladies and gentlemen. I recently have
become acquainted with a rather intriguing younglady America. Now her mother is a
nouveau riche determined at all costs toinflict culture upon her daughter Egath. So

(04:08):
I have invited Miss Cloud and hermother to my country estate for the weekend
to meet my family, rather rayShaw, since I have neither a state
nor family. However, my friend, Lord Holombley has lent me his home,
and you, dear people of thetheater, shall enact the role of
my familet on one condition, Millard, Humphrey stays here quiet avon, mild

(04:31):
Millard. There are members of thiscast who are jealous of my sterling portrayals.
I have played ballots and gentlemen's gentlemenfrom Chicago to Liverpool, and the
critics all say the same thing aboutmy performance with the Friend of War.
Yeah, but how can they printthat in the newspaper? Fuss bust brother.

(04:57):
Oh, he said there'd be plentyeat and drink a good fee,
and she spoil at all. Hetalks like that ever since he got hold
of a loaded crumpet. Well,those are my terms. Oh, give
Humphrey another chance, after all,he is human, well practically. All
very well, then, but keephim away from me. Don't wear your
hair up, honey. It's thegrouse shooting season. It's all settled then,

(05:19):
yes, and we're off to thecountry. And I hope you have
an elevator so the upstairs made canhave a fair share of me. I
send Kenned it is for you thefirst thing in the morning. It'll be
a lock for all of you andfor me, who knows a rich way.
Missus Agatha Flowed coming coming howdy?Oh, good afternoon, mum.

(05:55):
He well, you gotta Curtsey.How many times did I tell you,
oh, Mom, good afternoon?Your rap, Mom, I'll say,
bought it in Saint Louis solid hermine. Oh I'm the butler. Oh,
oh, thank you? I thinkso myself. His lordship awaits in the

(06:16):
garden. If the two mums willjust follow me in Aggie, what class
wish we had something like that backhome. Oh Ma, somebody shoot him
before we got him near the house. M Lord direct from Amererica, presenting
Missus Floud and Missus Flowers. Sogood to see you. Thank you sir.
Now hear your guests. Hi earlmiss Agatha, Missus flowde my family.

(06:42):
This is my mother, Lady Brinsteadflattered to meet your Lady Brinstead.
Chap do it, Aggie, charmmy cousin Rossendon, Duchess of Dover.
Harm, how do do Aggie?Okay? Oh okay, how did Dutch
you his lordship, the thirteenth Dukeof Prince Ted my father. Hey,

(07:16):
what's he trying to do to me? That's kissing her head? You'd think
there was gravy on it. Youmust forgive father's enthusiasm. Told him all
about you. Hear that, Aggie? The earl told us Paul about you.
Somebody ought to tell his mother allabout his father. I hope our

(07:40):
guests find his relaxing here at Princeted manna Hey, Mama, yes,
indeed I do? Oh beg pardonmy lord? Yes, emprey, your
monica has smudged. You've been breathingthrough your eyeballs again? Are you all
anything else? Mad? Mustache?Wax? To touch your hair? Oil?
Perhaps for stop it? How hello, Humphrey, but that to be

(08:13):
old for now? Thank you?Holy smoke? Why that's more service?
And the hired man gives us ina month back in big squaw. Yeah,
come on, let's get out ofhere. Shut up, you know,
Earl, this is the first timeI ever saw a real English butler.
I saw one once in a playyou did. Yeah, I was

(08:33):
in Cheyenne, Cheyenne that was Septembernineteen two, and we threw tomatoes at
him, Pella him with ripe tomatoeswhen I walked off the stage, and
manager thought I was Red Skelton,jolly good sporty ragel a Humphrey. And

(08:56):
now should I brew team a lady? Which kind should it be? What's
the difference? What I can theorange peak over the dash of lemon,
or a lemon peak over the dashof orange. Then there's weak tea or
if you prefer, extremely strong teakeeps trying to batter its way out of
the bag. He fazy report.What do you say? Oh, we

(09:18):
just said the role of fancy ualte re word clash rosing wrinkle on the
world Watch Chinese inportation has orangous world. Mum, that's telling her Humphrey.
I'm sure your team, Mum.May I slash it about for your mum?
Please do a tea for you,mum, of course, careful,

(09:41):
Humphrey, watch that train, mygood man, open my lady. You
know how Bob suck to the skinall over me. It's quite a natural
combination, mum, tea and lemon. Oh, you'll chopping plungering off.
I told you his performance, termeet. Just look at me, and
what's this? It's just a sliceof pumper nickel, Mammy, dry out

(10:03):
like new. It just needs pumpingout, that's all, my momster,
you bore. How did you everget to be such an idea? Oh?
Just early to bed, early torise, that's the answer. Not
well, don't stand there, I'mdrenched. Do something, Yes, ma'mall
fetch you some fresh team Humphrey overhere, Humphrey, I want to chew

(10:30):
the fat so soon after team Mum. What do they pay you around here?
Humphrey? Six quid three Bob Tuppinshapney of fortnite? Mum? How
much is that? I don't know. I'm still trying to find out what
a fortnite is? Well, howabout a nice fat raise Humphrey. Are
you trying to lure me from theservice of his lordship? Mum? Exactly
impossible. My family's always buttled thebinsteads my father, my father's father,

(10:54):
my father's father's father's father. Icould even go father now listen, son
hanging around here, ain't get mea nothing. Here, here's my card.
Drop in at my hotel and we'llwork out a deal. Double your
salary. Don't tempt me, Mum. Money brings out the cat in me,
and my cat is ready to getout. Well, meanwhile, just

(11:15):
see that you keep out of thebilliard room. The billiard room while I've
been barred from the billy room forlife, mom, for cheating. I
won fifty pounds shooting pool with theearl before he found out the terrible thing
i'd done, the terrible thing you'vedone. What was it? Oh?
I can't tell you, Mum,what was well? I soaked his pool
queue in Jurgen's lotion. He'd neverhave found up that someone started to play

(11:35):
song of India and then crawled intoa basket. Eggie's in there with his
lords. He's alone. Who knows, Humphrey. Maybe he's gonna propose goad
Mum. I trust the luscious MissFloud knows what she's doing. Mum.
Maybe she don't, but I do. Just imagine an earl for a son
in law. Hey, what areyou doing, Humphrey? No, leave

(11:56):
him be. I tell you he'sgoing to no very negam my dear,
If you'll just give me your hand, Okay, thank you? You placed
the hand on the billiard cue vastly? Do you follow me? May I
tell you something, dear? MayI? May I tell you that I

(12:16):
brought you in here just just tobe alone with your why, because you're
the most exciting girl I've ever met. If if only I knew the right
words, if only I knew whatto do, may I be of service?
Millard shutting, Milady, Well,don't mind if the dol shatting Millard?
No nothing for me, thank you, Humphrey, Scotch and Soldo Malord,

(12:37):
nothing at all, thank you.You may run along now. Scratch
and Watermelord no nothing, thank you, Solda and Watermelord nothing water over water,
Scotch over ice, Miland no nothing, Humphrey Scotch over scotch, Scotch
over bourbon. That it would beall, Humphrey, thank you? Care
to play musical glasses? It's jellywell crazy Milrd No nothing. Shall I
draw the blinds, Millard, drawyour bath, draw your picture, look

(13:00):
Comfrey, rowl drol whatever you like, but somewhere else, somewhere else,
yes, Mallard. Or shall Italk to Mum's que ma Lord? Why
don't we just give up until hewinds down? You heard his earlship hit
the breeze and stop talking. Welllive Mum feels that way about it.
Mum's the word, Mum. I'mterribly sorry, Achathy now as I was

(13:24):
saying, oh my darning if youare announcing, Sir Wimbley, missus floud,
Lady Margaret, Lady Rosalind, andSarah Ma Lord oh Fhain's sake,
Lady Margaret, Mum, may Iserve the punch bowl? You may serve
the punch bowl, Humphrey, fine, Mum. As soon as I returned
from the laundroom out in the corner, I can't think of any place else
to put the goldfish. By thetime you finish the punch they'd be suns

(13:45):
washed and rinse three times. Hell, Leggie, any news or layoff on
me, William will You may notwant his earlship, but I sure got
a hanker and for Humphrey. Ma, I'd tell you, Eggie that Humphrey
would make a real check them onout of your paw. Take that home
with us the big squaw way.Oh why not you got bets in your

(14:05):
belfry. I don't care. I'mgoing to get that Humphrey for your paw
somehow if Lady Margaret did only firehim pod just feed him too. The
pigs get over there and shoot yourpool. I gotta hint. How am
I gonna do it? A littlerefreshment mum, the Varian punch, Varian
punch, whiskey stirred with a BavarianNo, I don't want any well,

(14:28):
spike mum, a little punch mum. Thank you, Humphrey. Make you
fit as a tiddley and ready towink. I'm true ill you still so

(14:50):
much as a signal drop on me. Oh oh, but mama was bumped
just as I was bending over toserve you. Mom. Someone cute.
Get out, get out, You'refire fire to you here, and don't
ever come back, not tonight,tomorrow or ever. Just get out.

(15:13):
Stop beating around the bush. GetI know, get out, I know,
I know, Humphrey, double thesalary. Remember for shame, I'm
stabbing me in the back. Youknow how ticklish I am through that.
We'll stabbed you. I just gaveyou a little push with a Billiard cue.
Well you're working for us now,Oh, big squaw, you said

(15:37):
it. We leave next week,big squaw, I'll pack me bags.
Well, don't say it that way. What's the matter with Big Squaw?
Oh? Nothing, mum. It'sjust that I hate the idea of living
in a town that's named after Crosbie. I tell you, Maggie, I
got him. Don't Freese coming homewith us? Oh? In a few

(16:07):
moments, we'll present Act two ofFancy Pants. Now here's Lippy Collins,
our Hollywood reporter with the lux movienews of the week. We're off to
Mexico this week, John to agay, romantic Mexico setting for the Howard
Hughes presentation His Kind of Woman.That's the archaeo picture starring Robert Mitchum as
a gambler who goes straight and isforced to shoot it out with a tough
gangster. And Jane Russell turns insome high comedy as an ex band vocalist

(16:32):
masquerading in high society. But sheturns straight too and ends up in Mitchum's
arms as his kind of Woman.I hear Jane Russell wears absolutely dazzling costumes,
But then Jane's dazzler herself. She'sa lucks girl John with a truly
lux lovely complexion. Yes, indeed, Jane Russell always depends on Luck Soap
care for her complexion, and shetells me she adores the big new bath

(16:55):
size Lucks. It makes her dailybeauty baths so luxurious. So many screen
stars say that Libby, in fact, bat size lux is a favorite all
over Hollywood and everywhere. The creamylather is so abundant, even in hardest
water, and I love the wayit leaves my skin so fresh. Luck's
lovely all over. Yes, LuckSoap's active lather makes you sure of daintiness,

(17:18):
sure of charm. It has adelicate flower like fragrance that really clings,
really lasts tomorrow. Get this satinsmooth batcake that leaves skin Lucks lovely
all over. Nine out of tenscreen stars use fragrant white lux toilets Hope.
Now our producer mister William Keiley Acttwo of Fancy Fans, starring Bob

(17:40):
Hope as Humphrey and Lucial Ball asAggy. Well, it's three weeks later,
and now I hear all Humphrey hisacting career blighted, has arrived at
the Plowed Mansion in Big squaw territoryof New Mexico. Missus Floud is showing

(18:02):
Humphrey around the house while Aggie andher father. Why sure missed your daughter?
I sure dead? Say, howcome you're all Sunday it up on
Tuesday? Oh it's Ma, Pa. She's taking the finery like a hog
tex to slop. Yeah. Sometimesthat we should never found all them gold
mines, Aggie, and got somedog gone rich. And now that we

(18:23):
got up. But oh, Aggie, I'm in a peck of trouble and
it's all his fault. Humphreys.Well he is kind of lame. Bra.
First, your mar wrote me thatsome earl was making google eyes at
you. Then she sends me atelegram that she's bringing home a gentleman's gentleman,
So naturally I figured it's the samefellow. Huh say that again,
Pa, Aggie. I've told everybodyin Big Squaw that you and mau was

(18:48):
bringing home earl. You told everybody. Oh hey, what am I laughing
at? And now the whole town'sfixing the welcome improper. Gosh, when
Ma finds out, what'll I do? You won't have to do, Pa,
You're gonna be dead. Hey,No wonder cart bell Nap was so
mad? Cart bell Nap, Yeah, I saw him down at the depot,

(19:10):
couldn't figure out what was eating him. He's by piece toughest humbre and
big squaw, and Cart's mighty sweeton you, Waggy. Here goes your
problem. Pa. Cart thinks there'ssomething between me and Humphrey. Huh,
Well, suppose I let him keepon thinking. Cart had cut out his
liver and bile his gizzard in hisown sauce, and after thirty jeers by

(19:33):
had they come on him. Well, there he is, Humphrey. That
there's mister floud. Oh hotty,sir. Now let's get one thing straight,
Humphrey. I take care of myself. See, Oh that's quite obvious
in the house. I always goaround him a short sleeve. Anything wrong
with that? Oh no, sir, nothing at all, sir. But

(19:53):
wouldn't it be better if you worea shirt with him? Just a suggestion
of cards. Don't let me rushyou in anything, Humphrey. I want
you to meet our hired help.Get in here. Boys. This here's
Waltham, our Indian foreman, andthis is Wong, our Chinese cook.
Boys meet Humphrey. How do youdo? Oh? You do all right,

(20:17):
Humphrey. You can start right now. Let to mister flounder, Humphrey
your first doorbell. Come on,let's see who it is. Thank god,
m o our coach all together nowwelcome you're gray, your grace,

(20:40):
but who me cloudy? May areso good to see you all my DearS.
Let's come on here. Oh Ithink you're so lucky. Congratulations floud
humph ain't helligan? She called himHumphrey his first name, right to his
face. Oh, real, genuine, all the certain. It makes you

(21:00):
the queen of Big Squaws Society.Ebby me queen silly, isn't it.
Oh your lordship your tie, letme fix it. I'll double your salary,
double everything only don't let them knowyou're just the butler. Oh well,
in that case is Humphrey, Earlof Brinstead and on behalf of my
hostess. Allow me to welcome youall to flout manna. Oh your lordship,

(21:22):
it's two minutes past your tea time. How can you endure it?
Sheer grit? Shall we tea off? Then? Oh? Ladies, please,
if you line up an alphabetical order, you may breathe down my neck
one at the time. Oh,this is a fun group, isn't it.

(21:47):
This mean your lord him bring offthe team. Oh and don't forget
the crumpets is trumpet that's a bagelwith a thyroid condition. Now tell me,
earl, I'll give the American andcompared with your English women, Oh,
I think you're American women are muchprettier. How about your horses?
Oh, I think you're American womenare even prettier than our horses they were.

(22:12):
Sorry, heaven, I asked yournever to enter a room without dropping
her kertcheet to Humphrey. But Earl, yeah mine, no, dear,
dear earl. What would lady maudsay? No carnation in your buttonhole?
Oh I can't wear them. Youknow it turns my medals green carnation.
Ladies here you may shed us.Please tell us about your medal. Yes,

(22:33):
I'm experienced. I could write upin the paper nothing doing folks his
earlships kind of food. Oh no, not at all. Now let me
see which medal. Shall I explainfirst? Oh? Yeah, I think
it was my first year of servicein Africa. I was a mere lieutenant
at the time. Well, thosenative chaps were becoming very nasty, meant
to wipe us out. You know, they were only waiting for the end
of the monsoon. Monsoon, that'sFrench for mister, Thank you well.

(23:02):
Colonel Jobigil drew me aside. It'sthree against a thousand, he muttered.
We had to have reinforcements. Noman could get through. The Earl was
just a boy at the time.No, I was thirteen, as I
remember well. Colonel Jalligil old spittingpolish. We called him lovingly because he
was always spitting and he was polish. Well, sir, there we were

(23:23):
three against a thousand. How horriblestimulating though Then Colonel Jabdigil told us the
worst of it. Stiff upper lipp, he muttered, starching his mustache.
You'll have to face it, chaps. There was no more tea. They'd
cut off our liptons. Oh they'dpaid dearly for this. We'd sell our

(23:44):
lives at a fillful price. Buthow to stop them, How to get
out of it? How? Oh? Oh, there was no more time.
They were storming a fort now threeagainst a thousand mine, Oh,
you're wonderful. Yes. Then Iwas with the sphere through my supper,
young body and her. Only whenI left, well, I drew my
cutlass, I drew it. Istarted to hear my way through them.

(24:11):
Oh well, if you dear peasantsreally excuse me, if you deshuse me,
well, I am I always takea nap before tiffin. But your
lordship, what happened? How didit even? Oh? The encounter?
Well, we finally put them toroute, but we all agreed that they
were three of the toughest rascals we'dever fought. Jillio, Dad, what

(24:33):
a performance, Humphrey the Humphrey.You get out of that bed and make
tracks for the yellow dogs. Halloonthem two varmint Saggie, and pause over
there in a saloon. It's horrevolah, but Effie one does not disturb

(24:59):
an earle this earlier, and theearl is feeling very earliest this morning,
Humphrey. In the weekly newspaper,you may be an earl, and in
front of my friends you may bean earl. But every pay day you're
Humphrey the Buckler, and your jobis pawn Aggie. Oh but missus Floud,
I simply show free. Yes,Mum, I'm on my way,
Mum. Yellow dog saloon, Mum, how can anybody get in? Mum?
Or just yellow dogs? I justget down there and bring them back.

(25:32):
Egg tell her the rest of yourbig idea. Yeah, go ahead
and tell him. Aggie. Well, boys, pawn me come down here,
because we knew as soon as Mafound out we was gone, she'd
send fancy pants, that is,the Earl down here to get us.
Only meantime, all he meantime,I sent word for cart bell Nap to
come over, so I hang around. Boys, figure we might see something
real interest, Aggie. Look,Luke, who's walking in fancy pants?

(25:56):
Come on in, humphree, boys, I want you to meet our bordered
the Earl, a prince dead earl. The boys and the yellow dog salut,
No, no, don't get up, you muss up the sawdust,
begging your pardon, young mum.But the maids requested that you both return
at once to the mana. What'swrong with their manners? Here? Oh?

(26:17):
Come on, Humphrey, sit down, Hey, Haggy, how about
singing that song again for his earl? Ship? Sure Pa, why not?
Hey Sam, get over to thepiano. It's for you, Humphrey,
jolly deason of your mom. Giveit to him. Daughter. Hey,

(26:41):
fancy pants, you're a pussy footingcritter when you see your gal,
you skiter, Hey, you fancypan Hello, you dropped your party?
Hanky mom? Hey, f boywomen graveman wanda li okaymen say ain't you

(27:02):
all boy? Shut grimly? Whatyou gotta get? Hey, fancy man,
you're right. Look he's afraid totake the gallon squeezer. Hey,
you fancy can run to mama forprotection. How's sam election? Hey candid

(27:22):
looking at us and stompland us.And once she's scared about, take a
chance if you're root man, boatsthe gun and hold the most fancy man
sinking hm, fancy punts. Oh, I was just kidding, Humphrey.

(27:47):
Now why don't you tell the boysabout the time you were an Indian?
Oh? Yes, by jove aa moment that was in all India.
I'd never come across a more ferociousbeast. There it stood in the pitch
black night. It's immense size,completely dwarfing the yellow and I was writing,
Oh yeah, how could you tellhow big it? Cart? Oh,
Humphrey, I want you to meetmy boyfriend cart Bell Nat shake hands

(28:08):
with his earlship. What are thestranger? Oh well, any friend of
miss Agathas is a friend of him. What's a matter of stranger? Get
up off the floor. Oh,that's fine Western hospitality. You do that
again, and I'll report you toSpade. Coolie. Well, jolly meeting
your servant. I fair, it'scrump of time. I must be jogging

(28:30):
along. They were, Yeah,you were looking at the great big animal
in the dark. I was,Oh, I was, yes, yes,
yes, Well it's white coach stoodout. The largest polar bear I've
ever seen. Must have been atleast polar bears dope along in India.
Yeah, that's what I kept tellinghim. Well, you kept coming toward
me. I kept retreating step bystep. What happened to the big elephants?
You will write? Well, he'dgone to Washington and get ready for

(28:51):
fifty twos. Well there I wasnever dreamed of that. Well there I
was alone, unarmed except for aspear that a friendly native had left lodged

(29:11):
in my chest. Yeah, butI'd only hurt when you laugh. I
went through the spear, staggered back, weak from the loss of blood,
and I I, well, it'sscruff the time. I better be job.
You know what I would have donethat big old bear and it twisted

(29:32):
his neck like this. Oh oh, and I'd have got him by the
ears night he yanked him off likethis. I wish you'd have been there.
It would have been very and I'dhave got me a couple of handfuls
of fur like this, and I'dpull him off. Maybe we'd better stop
car. Oh, he's just gettingwarmed up, daughter, And you know
what I would have done next?Don't tell me. Let me guess.
All right, go ahead and guess, well, I guess you'd have taken

(29:55):
your trust, your revolver well andhit him over the head like guess,
shitty o chaps, I must withHeggy. Did you see what he did?
Yet? A card bell lap?Hey for me? Now just a

(30:17):
minute is to me? Or catchyour wind and say that over. It's
true, Effie, it's true.President Teddy Roosevelt. He's making a tour
through the Western territory to ys onhim a telegram about the Earl, and
he wired right back that he'd he'dbe delighted to come here Atlanta, President
Rose. He can stay right herein the house with you, Kenny,
Effie, here in my house holdme. I gotta start organizing a committee.

(30:37):
Buy my daggy, where are you? What is it? President Teddy
roosetout's coming here to see Humphrey.I just swore she said the president was
coming here to see Humphrey. That'swhat I did say, Iffy girl,
you've been hitting the apple jack.Well, what's he want to see Humphrey

(31:00):
before? Because he thinks Humphrey's anearl? Where is he? Where's Humphrey?
Oh? Hum free, I said, where is he? You better
tell her? Raggy. Well,the last time I saw him, I
was sort of heading out of town. I would a town. But he'll
get lost in the desert. Allof a sudden, he got kind of
lonesome for London. Are you too? I might have known you do something

(31:22):
like that. Now, my weecan't help Randy one afternoon. Don't you
come back to him without him?Now, get get I'm lost, lost
in this sinless desert. Water water, anything that'll save my life. Water

(31:44):
a black in your chest fields.I'm going mad. I tell you mad
the sand that I'm too young todie, too young to ask the water.

(32:07):
Water. It's a mirage, Itell you a mirage. We do
are washing in the mirage every Mondaymorning. Oh yeah, and who asked
you to come chasing after me?I want to get out of this country.
Well, I don't exactly blame you, Humphrey. Me and Paul were
awful ugly and cart bell nap,cart bell nap. Only your coward would

(32:30):
hit a coward. Oh, hejust snapped his twig, that's all you
see. Cart wants to marry me, and I guess he got the silly
idea that you and me were sweeton each other. Can you imagine preposterous?
You're not even my type. Mum. You know it took a lot

(32:52):
of nerve belt and cart bell napover the head. That's why I figured
you might have nerve enough to meetPresident Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah. Well I've
got just as much nerve as well. Everybody thinks you're a real earl.
So Tavy Roosevelt's coming a big squadjust to meet you. Ha ha.
Well you're gonna look pretty silly,and your mo and par are gonna be
looking silly, and this whole sillylittle town's gonna look silly. You'll have

(33:14):
to change the name to big Silly. Well with that, it might be
worse if you stay. Imagine youtrying to fool a president. Say presidents
can be fooled. They vote forthemselves, don't they Besides, I made
you think I was a butler.Well that's easy, you are. I've

(33:37):
been waiting a long time to takesome bows from my performance. I'm no
earl, I'm no butler. I'mnot even Humphrey. My name is Arthur
Tyler, and I'm an actor afterAgvan sag and paid up actor. Gosh,
well, why did you pretend tobe a butler? Because I was
stranded in England flat broke gee actorplaying an English earl for President Roosevelt with

(34:02):
me and man pot to a cloth. Yeah, and i'd be the star.
That's a step up. And anaudience at three that's a step up,
I'm sure. Besides, there's alot of innocent people down in town
dependent on your Humphrey, I meanArthur innocent. How about cart bell Nap?
Would you tell him we don't meananything to each other so we'd stopped

(34:23):
trying to put my head in thistrophy room. WHOA sure, I'll tell
him that we don't mean a thankto each other. Well, there's my
horse, Humphrey, let's get backto town. Ah, yes, the
horse. I hope you don't mindriding double double. Mum wouldn't think of
it. There we go. Whoopy'all set mum, perfectly comfortable, mum.

(34:45):
Oh sure, let's go later on. If your feet start hurting,
maybe you can ride the horse.Thanks a lot, Humphrey, not at
all, not at all, PresidentRoosevelt. A command performance. We accept
the role, mum, but fora one night stand only, and I

(35:06):
must go on tour. What ahandbull. Wait on, My agent hears
about this, yes, mister President, as Humphrey earl of But instead I
can assure you sir all but ofcourse, mister president. Of course.

(35:29):
In just a few moments we'll returnwith Act three of Fancy Vants. And
now for my guest tonight, Ihave a young lady who's a charter member
of Paramount's Golden Circle, Miss JoanTaylor. The circle means Joan, that
Paramount has high hope you'll become astar. Well, I'm hoping, mister
Keiley, and working like mad.But you already get your name and lights

(35:49):
you every time a pictures you're inplays in Lake Forest, Illinois. Confidentially,
that's because my father owns the theater, and your mother danced in vaudeville.
Yes, she was a headliner.Started me on dancing lessons early well,
Joan dancing started many a screen beautyon her career. Look at Jane
Wyman and Alexas Smith who are playingopposite Bing Crosbie and Francio Tone in Paramount

(36:10):
Pictures. Wonderful new comedy Here Comesthe Groom. I watched it being made,
mister Keeley, what fun? Whattangled romances? Being in love with
Jane, Jane engaged to Francis andAlexus the glamor girl whose competition brings Jane
back to Bing. Yes, ifyou'd like to laugh, don't miss Here
comes the Groom. And when yousee lovely Jane Wyman and Alexas Smith,

(36:31):
notice the smooth beauty of their complexions. Both Jane and Alexus know how easy
it is to be lucks lovely,mister Kennedy, and I agree with him.
Luck soap facials really work. Oneis from my skin. You have
a lovely complexion, Joan. Andas you know, here's all there is
to a Luck's active lather facial cream. The rich lather well into your skin,

(36:51):
Rinse thoroughly with warm water, thencold and gently pat dry with a
towel. It's the active ladder thatdoes the trick. Leave skin softer and
smoother. So discover how easy itis to be lux lovely. Get a
supply of Hollywood's own beauty soap tomorrow. Nine out of ten screen stars use
fragrant white lux toilet's hope. Wepause now for station identification. This is

(37:14):
the CBS Radio Network. The curtainrises on Act three of Fancy Fans,

(37:36):
starting Bob Hope as Humphrey and LucilleBall as Aggie Esdale. The history of
big Swall is at hand. Ina couple of hours, President Eddy Roosevelt
is arriving to pay his respects tothe Earl of Princetead and now at the
flowered kitchen, excited preparations are underwear. Yes, it's home cooking for the

(38:00):
President. Oh woe is me?What goes with me? I hate this
living I've chose for me. Tireof me misery? Or should have never
wronged and left that home cooking.Home cooking life is cruel. I was
a fool to roll. I wentabroad, and how I had them English

(38:22):
creaters. They never thought when theDuke says, yes, my Lord Pardner,
you can hear me elbo home cooking, Home cooking, No Lancy pans
will stand a chance with me witha porch light screen door banner from Niagara
Fall three brass lawn more home,sweet home, up on the walls.

(38:44):
Oh cooking, home cooking, aquiet life, des quite the life for
me, your stim home cooking,Oh cooking, that's a life for me.
Margaret. Here, just get thisfeet, everybody this here, get

(39:15):
a party. Your president Rose,that's coming off right, or listen,
I'm talking to you. Then thatas responsible as going to supper. You
hear me, Aggy, I hearyou, Ma, and even you forget
the curtsy. You know I'll bustyour curtsy. Oh all right, mam,

(39:40):
a doorbell, Mama, I'll getit. You stay where you are.
You quit calling me mum. Calleddarn it god day. You're the
Earl of Brimstead and capital letter.Oh yes, just the way it's embroidered
on my shorts. I've been practicingyour royal sneer all morning. I'll soon
be getting fan mail from Basil Rathbone. Oh what a season is? Oh
it's probably get carry with her potatosalad leah for doorbell, honey, upcoming,

(40:06):
Conan Carrie, we'll oh missus cloud? How do you do? Painted
pick her up, Bennett and bringher in. Yes, sir, that's
the trouble with these surprised visits.Mister president. Oh here, hang out.
What's the missue? Chaps? Shepainted? Oh, well, you
see President Roosevelt's coming, and everyoneis simply well, haggagg is the president?

(40:34):
Anwhere so it is? I'm MikeCloud, mister President. This here's
my daughter Aggey. How do youdo? And this is early Prince there.
Oh, please to meet you anypresident of pause as a president of
mine? How how do you doyou like it? And this gentleman is
mister Bennet's secrets sermonel Oh, yes, of course. And down here is
our hostess, missus Effie Flouder.Ma, wake up, Ma, I'm

(40:58):
sorry I dropped in, so I'mexpect it with Missus Cloud that I whistened
as so many speeches of welcome,I was hoping to avoid the one at
your people. Heggy, you takethe price that it in the parlor.
Can we get things fixed up inthe kitchen? Personally, I'd like to
go in the kitchen with you.You mean I make a steak sauce that
is very popular in Washington. Youdo extraordinary. Back to the kitchen.
Everybody delighted, believe for you,and to think I almost voted for Brian.

(41:23):
I say this is a ginger group. There you are, Miss Cloud.
My steak sauce. Now, whowants a taste? Gee? Here
looks good. I still think itneeds a little more cooking. Sherry,

(41:44):
Paul, Well, perhaps another dashof sherry wouldn't nonsense? Your honor?
Are you keep your nose out ofthe president's recipe? Don't call it affy?
There was plenty of sherry and you'recooking before we got married. Why,
my Floud, are you insinerating that? Gee, mad, you'd use
stronger sherry. I'd be two yearsolder. You'll keep out of this,

(42:28):
mister Prowl, missus Floud, misterprowe, miss Floud. After all the
presidents on his vacation, do youwanted to think he's back with Congress?
Well, if you have bridged it, not totally. What is the attitude
of England regarding the Mediterranean situation?Oh? Yes, well, frankly,

(42:49):
there are two schools of thought,pro and con. But just how do
you feel about it? Pro andcon? Well, the pro people seem
to be for it, and theCON group are definitely I guess definitely,
sir, But you bring just what'ssaying? Do you take? Oh?
Me, well, yeah, welli'm pro pro How can you endorse a
situation like that? Oh? WhatI mean is I'm pro con I'm for
those who are against it. You'resaying, Oh, I don't, But

(43:15):
where are ye? It's the mayor. Rain came in, but he wasn't
even on it. He didn't evenjump in jasphid President Roosevelt. He's here,
folks, he's here, mister Presidentis mayor of big School. Permit
me to welcome you to our faircity and an hundred of visits. Ah,
bravo, excellent speech, mister mayor. Brief but meeting. Thank you,
Miss maire, Thank you all.But I've got a whole lot more

(43:37):
to say. That's all right,you can mail it in later, Mayor.
Thank It's right. It's free.You know, everything's free. I
want you to try some of thevenice in mister President. Aggie here shot
at her still only feeble man.We have Oh my, I had time
I do some hunting. Oh whatwe ought to have as a fox hunt?
Oh yes, they're fun, especiallyif the fox is riding a fast
horse over hill. And dale Yorksand away all that sort of tittle blast.

(44:00):
It's shame you have to be pushingoff, mister President. After all,
I do have a schedule, badshow, disappointing to the hound.
You know we won't disappoint them.Bridstead, well ben it. Yes,
we're staying over about the trait.Yes, mister President, and you Minstead,
you shall lead the hunk me alittle morning. Oh but I can't
spend the whole day. I'm horseback. The whole day on horseback. I

(44:20):
may find a new place to putmy doctor show's footpaths. I don't care
what time of night it is.Humphrey, you and me are staying here
in the corral. Do you learnto ride a horse? Now? This
is tougher on me than it ison you. Yeah, but not in
the same place. Let's face it, Aggie, I can't even ride a

(44:43):
jackass, even after all those roadpictures we made together. It does with
here comes the groom, doesn't.I can stay on a horse. I
can stay on a horse when hewalks, I think, But I can't
go out there riding in any foxhunt. Playing an arrow is easy.
But all I ever it was ajob. Well, I ain't asking you
to ride just for Big Square,for par Ma. It's for me,

(45:06):
Humphrey, Me, I mean you. The first time I saw you,
I said to myself, here's adirty, low down, lily livered coyote.
Then as I got to know youbetter, I figured you for a
filthy, sneaking rat. Yeah.I grow on people like that. But

(45:30):
then again, you remind me ofa little old chipmunk I had when I
was a kid. Only thing Iever loved, same look in the eye
as you got. I'll never forgethow he looked at me just before he
went West California dead small poisoning.Huh, Cark bell Nap shot him.

(45:52):
Hey, did you ever tell Carkbell Nap that we didn't mean a thing
to each other? Whoa not yet? Humphrey. But I was fixed him
too, well, don't huh.I don't like my women to be lying.
You mean you aren't running out onus. Nothing's gonna stop me now,
maybe not even a horse. Oh, Humphrey, would you kiss me?
Nobody? You'll see it's dark outhere. Gee, that was swell.

(46:22):
Yeah, he's a very affectionate horse. Now it's my turn, Bully.
I did this box on bully.Well it may not be exactly like
England as the president, but thebox will never know the difference. Well,
Princetead, tally hold hip every onetop of the morning, your excellency

(46:45):
blendid day for Princetead like limpy.Yeah, what you're doing with that cane?
Oh this well, I couldn't finda crutch. I looked all over.
Good heavens man, Oh it justhappened, you know, about to
leap on my horse when my oldleg injury hit me again, Just like
that old leg injury. Us.I gotta playing rugby at Oxford. I
kicked a rugging too hot. Youkept me off the crew. You know
I was a four letter man.Yeah, and I can spell it.

(47:10):
Well, we can't have the huntwithout you. I guess we'll have to
call it off. Oh nothing,that'll start tradition. Hold. I'll be
all right, old fellow. Whopthem? Oh boy, just bring my
beast over here and have her liedown. I shall get aboard somehow.
Oh you can't possibly ride? WhoI'll suffer through, Prez. Nothing stops
the brinstead excess y'all your family mottle, No, somebody affect some I'll put

(47:31):
it in my pants. You can'tride President's order. Oh, well,
I guess I'm out holder. Thenrum Lucky better take my horse along,
though this could give her an inferioritycomplex, she wouldn't be able to hold
up her tail among the other horses. Well, buzz off without me,
Lucky, people mount up, youall have fun. I'll just sit head
to you with the pain. Goaway. Well, folks, I guess

(47:52):
we're all ready. Then yeah,you might as well start us off your
earlship get I'm your mark, Imean trump to trump. Unbox the fox,
Hey, look at him. GoI must have a date with another
fox. Unbound the hound womp him. Oh, I shall be in my

(48:23):
room. Be a good fellon.Buzz me when you hear them returning.
Hey, all of a sudden,you womp pretty good. Here's a buck,
buck? How do I walk now? Keepep, remind me to the
autograph a feather for n In't yourlordship fell nap? I've been waiting for

(48:46):
it, nap. Sorry about yourbum leg, your lordship, you do
ride, don't you ride? Mydear fellow, I was born in the
saddle. My mom got a badbreak with the traffic lights. It's very
Let's see you laugh your way outof this one. Mister Thailand Tyler,
who's Tyler you are? I've beenlooking around your room and I found this.

(49:08):
Put down that scrap book you're wrinklingthe lace. Put it down.
You heard me put down that scrapbook. Put it down? I say,
why should I put it down?So you can help me pick up
my teeth? Shout out? Fullof newspaper clippings? In't it like this?
For instance? Author Tayler and Americanand an active but not a very

(49:30):
good one. Well, I wasa British critic and they didn't like American
actors, and that was before theloan. But look at here, says
Arthur Tyler gives a standout performance.Only that ain't all it says. He
stands out is probably the worst performerwhoever, or you would knit your Thayler.
Well, of course not, I'mHumphrey Earl of Brinstead, pip hit
tally on all that sort of though. Then what's his scrap of doing under

(49:52):
your pillow? Well? I liketo sleep with my head high. You
know, the president and the wholetown is going to be real upset when
they find out how you and themlet's try to make fools out of it.
Oh but mister bell Nap, surelyyou're not going to tell him about
it. I mean, not somuch for me, but for the flowers.
They're such nice people, especially Aggie. Yeah, yeah, that's right.
I wouldn't miss this for a millionbucks. Well cheery, Oh,

(50:12):
mister tail, I put a realgood finish in your scrapbook for you your
funeral. Notice you can't do it. You're not going out of this room
with that scrap book. No,so long, Humphrey. I'll unlock the
door as soon as they get backfrom the Fox Hunt. Oh, Humphrey,

(50:35):
this is terrible. Cart bell Nappknows you're just an actor. Yeah,
he found my scrapbook, or ishe? Where'd he go? Well?
KRT just left. You know.The president's got to catch that train.
They're all down to Deepot now waitingfor you. What are we doing
here? No, No, Ican't go down there. Bell Nap scott
my scrap book. He's gonna telleverybody that I'm not if we get there
first, you won't. And Iknow a shortcut. He'll beat me up
again. He'll tear me to pieces. Who cares as long as the president

(50:59):
has gone by, then, Yeah, who cares? What are you a
salesman for the Blue Cross plan?Oh? My leg, Oh my old
injury, my warms. Humphrey,this is aggy. Yeah, that's right,
you're pretty Come on, Humphrey,we're going down the depot rinstead.

(51:22):
How good of you to see meoff. But what happened to you while
I was determined to reach the trainbefore you left? Sir? But I
fell down twice for every time Igot up? Bad leg? You know,
sir, it starts with my hipand goes all the way to the
floor. You shouldn't have attempted it. The condition you're in. You should
see the condition not being Oh butdon't worry about me. Splendid hut,
I hear. I wish i'd beenthere. Perhaps we'll hunt together sometime when

(51:43):
you come across the big pond.He lighted. Bully, Oh you bully,
I have put on a little weightall light to spend it. You
can stop the train, yes,sir, stop the train. No wait
with friendly the whole time on aNorthern flower. That fake girl's trying to
put over on you. Are youtalking about bell Nap? He's just a
cheap little actor. Wats this themost humiliating thing? Why should return immediately

(52:05):
to me in this book I got, don't prove it? Give me that
book. Come back here stopping somebody, stop along along. I'm lost,
lost in this endless desert water water. I'm going mad, I tell you

(52:25):
mad, Why Aggie, Aggie,No, no, they'll follow your tracks.
You lead them to me. Iwant to die alone, alone,
unhealthy in this frightful desert. Allrelax, will your Humphrey? The President's
gone? And as for cart Bellnapp Well, I told everybody the truth.
When they like somebody in these parts, they don't care if he's a

(52:49):
butler or horse thief or even tobe an actor. They want you to
come back, Humphrey. Why shee, Haggie, if you will be lady
Brinceton, I'm if you'll beat missusHumphrey Higgins. No, I mean if
missus Arthur Tyler. You'll make methe three happiest men in the world.
Oh, Humphrey Darling. Of courseI'll marry you. Oh it'll be wonderful.

(53:13):
Aggie. We'll settle down, andafter the first year we'll hear the
patter of little feet. Yes,and after the second year, we'll hear
the patter of more little feet.Yeah, Maggie, about the third year,
Yes, the third year, Let'shave a baby. I'm tired of
feet. In just a few moments, we wanted to meet O stars in

(53:40):
person, and mister Keeley will tellyou all about next week's show. But
now here's Libby Collins with a bigpiece of news for you, you mean,
John, with a big question foreveryone. Question. Yes, who
is the lovely lux Girl? Orperhaps I should put it this way,
can you identify the portrait of thelux lovely Hollywood star whose eyes are masked
out, her pictures appearing in newspapersall over the country, on posters in

(54:04):
grocery stores everywhere. Oh, she'sthe mystery star in the big Lux Girl
contest. And it is a bigcontest sixty thousand dollars worth of prizes.
Why. The first prize is fivethousand dollars cash plus a Ford Victoria Sedans,
and there are hundreds of other prizesten Ford custom Via two door sedans,
two hundred fourteen carrot gold diamond bullof a Watches, ten thousand dollars

(54:27):
in additional cash prizes, over twelvehundred opportunities to win, and it's such
fun to enter because first you lookat the picture of the lovely lux girl
you'll see at your grocery store,and right on the poster is a clue
to help you. She's the starof Metro Goldwyn Mayer's too young to kiss.
That makes it easy for everyone toidentify he now comes more fun in
your entry. You complete the lastline of a jingle, and here's the

(54:51):
jingle. June is her name.The last is Da Da Da. That's
where you fill in the star's name. I repeated, June is her name,
The ast is Dadada, Her lovelyskins beyond comparison, her beauty soap's
the one for me. You writea last line to rhyme with me.
There are lots of things you knowto write about Luck Soap to help you

(55:12):
write that last line of the jingle. For instance, Lucks is Hollywood's own
beauty soap. It has active ladderthat leaves skins softer, smoother, and
Luck Soap's delicate perfume clings leave skinsweet and fresh. Nine out of ten
screen stars are Lux girls. Sogo ahead enter this big who is this
lovely LUCKX Girl contest right away.Get the entry blanket your grocer's tomorrow.

(55:37):
It gives you all the rules,the jingle, and the address. Send
in as many entries as you wish, but with each entry attached two lucks
toilet soap wrappers, either regular orbass size. Remember there's sixty thousand dollars
in prizes waiting for winning last lines. Yours may be worth five thousand dollars
cash and afford victorious sedan. Nowhere's mister Hey with our stars, and

(56:00):
here they are for a curtain call, Bob Hope and Lucy ol Boy.
We'll see you. Bob. Wewant to thank you double for making us
forget our troubles for an hour.Always nothing at all, Bill, always
glad to do a benefit, Bob, This wasn't a benefit. This is

(56:22):
the Lux Radio theater. Well itwas a benefit for me. After all,
How much luck soap can I eat? But Bob, they pay me
money and then I buy my ownlux soap. It's cheaper that way.
How do you like it? Crosbytold me he saved the rappers and send
Gary to college. Why, Bob, you don't need anymore money with all

(56:43):
those successful pictures you make for Paramount. Yeah, what's the title of your
new picture, Bob, the oneyou made with Hetty Lamar my Favorite Spy.
Well, that's the picture of Bob'sfans are writing him about his fans.
You mean it's relative hold and Lucy. Yes, they write in But
it's different from your a lux Girlcontest. Bill. Anyone anywhere in the
world has a chance to have theWorld Premier of the Favorite Spy right in
their own living room, and guesswho will be their guests for dinner.

(57:05):
I knew you'd try for a freemeal somewhere along the life. Seriously,
Bob, that sounds like a wonderfulidea I'd like to winder myself. I'd
rather enter the Luxe Girl contest becauseI am a luxe girl. It's my
favorite complexion. Care Well, ifyou want to enter this contest, you
write me to Bob Hope Contest,Hollywood thirty eight and tell me why you
think the world Premier should be heldin your home. The person who gives

(57:28):
the best reasons will find me inthe picture parked in their living room with
all the trimmings of a big Hollywoodpremier and a few publicity men. That'll
make three of me all told.Because naturally with my personality, I play
a dual role in the picture.Can you imagine seeing a movie with two
Bob Hopes in it? How aboutLux Radio Theater next week, Bill,

(57:52):
Well, it'll be another Paramount picturewith a very famous title. One of
the top dramatic successes of last season, Son said Boulevard. And from the
original cast, we have the twostars, glamorous Lauria Swanson and that talented
actor William Holden co starring with them. Will be one of Paramount's Golden Circle

(58:12):
players. Nancy Gates a terriffic combinationand a terrific picture. Bill, good
Night, good Night. If youare both plays. Have you ever been
embarrassed by a stocking run just whenyou wanted to look your best? Then
take a tip from Hollywood screen stars. Wash your nylons the Lux way.
You'll cut needless runs in a half. The luxway makes nylons last twice as

(58:36):
long, fit better too. Straintests prove it. No others hope,
No suns of any kind can makestockings last longer. Over ninety percent of
the makers of stockings recommend Lucks NewLucks with color freshener. Keep stocking colors
clearer too, get a big boxtomorrow. Keep Lucks in the bathroom for
everything you wash by hand. Giveall your washables that nicest new lux look.

(59:01):
Leave a Brothers Company, the makersof Luck Toilet. So join me
in inviting you to be with usagain next Monday evening, when the Next
Radio Theater presents Gloria Sponson, WilliamHolden and Nancy Gates in Sunset Boulevard.
This is William Keeley saying good nightto you from Hollywood. This is the

(59:22):
CBS Radio Network. This has beenan a presentation of OTR Westerns dot com

(59:50):
and we hope you enjoyed. Pleasetake some time to like and rate our
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at OTR Westerns dot com. Thisepisode's copyright under the attribution non Commercial Sharelight

(01:00:13):
copyright. For more information, goto OTR Westerns dot com slash copyright Have
it right Day, and again,thanks for listening.