November 13, 2023 • 35 mins
Over the past 2 decades, we have heard hundreds of stories of relationships impacted by cheating. Bring your notebook and pen to class as host Dee Shields filters through the best reactions to have immediately after finding out!
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Episode Transcript
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(00:09):
Yeah, I don't want to slowdown. I don't want to slow down.
I don't want to slow down tothe Berno, I just want to
live fast. I don't want tolook back and say I could have done
more than or did not. Sometimesit can be harder. It can be
harder. It can be hard Hey, loves, thank you so much for
coming back. By tonight we aregoing to be talking after they cheat.
(00:32):
What's the best reaction? What isthe best reaction that one can do after
the person that they love cheats onthem? Honestly, I'm gonna let you
know right now, I'm gonna goover several different reactions. You have to
pick and choose what's for you,and you probably won't even know what's for
(00:54):
you until you get in the midstof that actual moment, if that moment
ever happens to you. So don'tthink that I'm going to sit and give
you this one way solution and thatit's going to work for everybody when they're
in this scenario, because that's nothow life works. No one thing can
work for all people. That ifit was like that, then we would
(01:17):
all live this quiet, organized lifethat wouldn't see things like the crazy viral
video that went viral today of badparenting at the birthday party. If you
haven't seen that, then look upkid's birthday party over the weekend and see
how what you think about that.No one thing can work for all people.
(01:37):
If it did, we wouldn't havemoments like that happen in this world
of hours today. So after theycheat, there are several different reactions.
I will tell you about reactions ofpeople that I've seen. I will tell
you reactions that I've heard about thatI admired. I will tell you about
(01:59):
reactions that I think are extreme.And then I'm gonna tell you about my
reactions, all right, and differentscenarios how they work for each person.
Again, write this down what's foryou? Put that down what's not for
you? Share it out. Ifthis is not even a situation that you
(02:21):
can relate to past that podcast onthis episode, pass it on to the
next person. Do you think maybethis is something that they should hear?
All right? I'm your host.D Shields, thank you for stopping by
IMD Shields. Across social media.You can find me at IMD Shields,
on threads, on x you canfind me at IMD Shields Coo on TikTok
(02:43):
and you can find me at DShields, just D Shields, Dee Space
Shields on Facebook. All Right,so here's what I wanted to say.
There's been several different reactions. I'mgonna go were some of the most recent
ones about people that we've heard about, like let's go through the gossip chain
(03:06):
and from the horse's mouth kind ofreactions. Two people that I like to
look at their pattern of work andthe way that they hold themselves and the
way that they hustle and they getout there and they get it done and
they make things happen. I've beenlooking recently at Charlemagne the Guide, just
very impressed about the way that he'sbeen able to come back from maybe negative
(03:29):
times and reinvent himself, but yetstill be the same and go and we
see them evolve, especially when itcomes to his mental health journey. And
recently, while listening to a podcastone of their episodes, he was talking
I think there was even today thatI found out that it was envy also.
But in another episode I heard Charlemagnea God talk about how it was
(03:53):
him that cheated and when he toldme about his wife's reaction I've heard that
said another time before by another manwho says what I was doing was cheating.
I didn't actually sleep with the woman, but I was cheating, and
that's Tony Gaskin's so. Tony Gaskinssaid that his situation was he was in
the DMS, I believe with aperson and that person wasn't his wife,
(04:15):
and it was cheating. And hisreaction, his wife's reaction, I think
I want to share that one.Also. Charlamagneag Gott talked about how when
he got called cheating, he's areaction that he said, we know that
there's always more behind the scenes thatwe have no idea what happens in everybody's
lives. Right, there's probably alot more that happens in those other moments
(04:39):
that are not shared when people recapwhat happened after they cheated. Right.
He said that his wife got upand packed the family and was gone.
Not oh, I'm over across townand you reach out to me and we'll
go back and forth and have wordswith each other. No, that's not
(05:00):
what happened. He said that hiswife was gone, that she left.
She was what was considered almost off, just off the grid, could not
find her, could not contact her. There was no way to find her
own social media, by phone,by email, nothing. There was no
contact whatsoever. And as we knowthem are that they are in a better
(05:21):
place today. We see that thatreaction whatever, that whatever she needed for
herself to heal, to be complete, for her marriage to work, that
worked for her. Some people say, oh, I walked away, but
you're still be in contact, thatYou're still allowing yourself to be seen.
(05:44):
You're putting yourself out there so thatyou know, friends of your husband,
are friends of your boyfriend, orsomeone can tell what you're doing on social
media. You're still making yourself visible. But for a person to go completely
off the grid where no one,even the closest person in the circle knows
where they are. Yet you knowthat they're safe, but they're not saying
(06:08):
where their location is and they're notdoing communication and so they can process what
happened to them. That's a reactionthat some people have and I'm like,
I admire that reaction. I admirethe time that it took to be able
to process for herself what she neededfor her I admired that she was able
(06:30):
to do that and say, probablywent through a process to forgive herself because
oftentimes when we're cheated on, wefind fault. We don't mean to do
so, but we find fault inourselves and it's never our fault, it's
the cheater's fault. So I likethat reaction. So I thought that I
was like one of the top onesthat needed to be shared. Another reaction
(06:51):
was almost similar, like I said. Tony Gaskins says that his wife got
up and left that day, didn'tweigh, didn't take a second, didn't
argue it out. You know,they may have had some other moments,
but she was gone that day andhe didn't touch the woman. He dm
a woman, and he said hiswife was out of there. I'm not
(07:13):
about to have a conversation with youabout this. I am out, and
we know them today to be ina better place. Right. But that
was what was needed in order toprocess what had happened. You cheated on
me. I need to deal withthis within myself, on my own,
without you and my face trying tomanipulate the process and manipulate how and when
(07:35):
I forgive you. Right, Sosome people do the off the grid,
no contact. I don't want tosee you. I don't want to see
your friends. I don't want yourfriends or family to know what we have
going on. Some people do thatkind of reaction. That's and it's probably
(07:57):
by most experts will say that's that'sall healthy reaction. That's a healthy reaction.
Other reactions that take place are instantlytrying to talk it out. The
majority of the time, the cheaterdoes not want to talk it out.
The cheater is not going to beforthcoming in that initial got caught that.
(08:20):
The cheater is going to be tryingto blame someone. The cheater is going
to be making excuses. They oftenwill. They often in situations that I've
been in, they will be littleit down to I was stupid. You're
pretty smart to be able to,hey, pop up, go over there.
(08:41):
You're pretty smart to be able tofind a whole other person and take
the time to give that whole otherperson all of your time and do it
in such a strategic way that youdidn't get caught until the person came and
told your girl about it. Youaren't stupid, then, you know.
So, I don't like, oh, I was stupid. No, that
(09:01):
leaves out a lot. No,you just didn't care. You just were
careless. You didn't think that therelationship mattered, You didn't value the relationship.
I always tell people my belief isthat people cheat for lack of loyalty,
lack of willpower, from weakness,no self discipline. Those are the
(09:24):
reasons why people cheat. They cansay, oh, it's because she was
doing this, and that it's becausehe was doing no lack of willpower,
selfish lack of loyalty, no discipline, that's what makes people cheat. It
is easy to cheat. It ishard to be disciplined. It is hard
(09:46):
most for some. It's really easyfor me to be loyal, but it's
hard for some people to be loyal. If you keep your eye on the
ball, and you keep your eyeon the goal, and you know what
it is that you are doing andthe reason that you're doing it four and
you don't get easily distracted, andyou're not so thirsty, I have nothing
(10:09):
else. You're not so thirsty.Well, you're not so thirsty. I'm
telling you. Those are more effectiveways of being to help you be loyal.
Right, Okay, Pappy, Ihave to get my puppy. You
guys, so hold on, Okay, we're gonna come right back. People
(10:31):
figure it out, just thinking aboutwhat you're gonna do now. But we
on the conscience and come likely andstood. I gotta make a counsel and
lose your worries, get your problems. Got nobody burns out. I ain't
(10:52):
in a conda snow. No,I ain't have gone so gone. So
(11:13):
I don't want to waste time.I don't want to waste time. I
don't want to waste time on fakefriends. Man, I just want to
get. I just want to get. I just want to get all right,
So let's get ready to wrap itup. I'm going to take my
dog out for a walk. ButI just want you to know just some
reactions. And I don't want tobe interrupted by going out into the noise
(11:35):
to have to be able to tryto finish up the rest of this podcast.
So I wanted you to know thatwhen it comes to cheating, whatever
reaction that person has after you've doneit, because this is a message to
the cheater, that reaction is okay. Who are you to judge their reaction?
(11:56):
You're really caught up within yourself tothink that someone owes you a quick
apology, and stop putting a timetable on the apology. Stop putting a
time like, oh, you needto hurry up, And why haven't you
just said that you're sorry that that? Why haven't you accepted my sorry?
Why haven't you accepted my apology yet? It's been a week? Okay,
(12:20):
well that that happened two months ago. Okay, that was two years ago.
Stop. Stop, You're not owedforgiveness. Your actions were wrong,
you were out of line. Noone owes you anything. No one has
to give you forgiveness because you decidedto do the wrong thing. Here's a
(12:43):
reaction that I say. This isa no. Don't slap them, don't
fight them, keep your dignity.It's gonna be hard. You're gonna have
to think hard about how you wantto go about. Think hard about Let
me keep a practice of exercising patience, Let me be gentle with myself when
(13:07):
I get some uncomfortable news. Ifyou keep that practice the majority of the
time, there is gonna be abreaking point, I'm telling you, especially
when you have one of the multiplebad players like just constantly cutting up because
they think that you cannot be brokento cut them off, so they'll constantly
do it again and again and again. But if you can just keep your
(13:31):
cool. That's a reaction. Italked to one guy before and he said,
when you went silent, man,that hurt more than anything I'd ever
been through. He was like,I've been through a lot of things with
a lot of women, but completesilence that hurts. That made me reflect,
(13:54):
That made me think about what I'vedone. That's the reaction that I
admire. When I go silent onpeople. I need to think. I
need to process. I need tomake sure that I'm not going to disrespect
myself for you when I finally decideto address whatever it is that has happened,
that's out of line. That's badbehavior. So my admire my silence.
(14:18):
Be grateful for my silence. IfI go into some quick smart remarks
and yelling and screaming, which isnot gonna happen very often. It's just
I always feel like that's the uselessreaction to anything, right, So when
I do get like that, youshould know that my anxiety is high,
that my stress is high. We'regoing to talk about my anxiety in a
(14:39):
full episode and how I go abouttreating that now and the help that I've
been able to get for that.But because people know my character, if
I do that, it's like oneto three times a year kind of thing.
And if it's happening, people go, she's stressed out. Something's going
(15:01):
on, something's overwhelming her. Peoplethat love me, that's what they say,
what's going on? What are youoverwhelmed about? What's happening? How
can we lighten your lobe? Andthat's just I work hard to be self
disciplined. I make mistakes all thetime, So don't you take this as
some speech that I'm perfect. Imake mistakes all the time in life.
(15:24):
But I work on self discipline sothat I can bring my best to me.
And the only way that I cando that with the type of disorder
that I have is I spend alot of time alone, a lot of
time to myself, so that whenI'm out and about which is you know,
I give myself four to five Thisyear is gonna have about five to
six outings before the year comes toan end. And that's a lot.
(15:46):
That was a lot for me becauseI usually don't even do that in my
healing process. But I'm getting toanother side of grief and then empowered side,
going really excited about a work shopthat I may be able to be
a part of with a very wellknown actor. He has us doing a
(16:07):
workshop, and if I get tobe on that journey, I know I'm
gonna get a lot from that.And so I could just see the grief
going to another stage and let's hopethat I can continue to be in that
space. Right. So, butreally control that reaction if you can think
hard about how you want yourself tolook. So just walk away what they
(16:32):
told you, what whoever brought itto you, Because God's usually busy.
I don't look for it because God'susually busy making sure that we're okay.
So when it's time for us tofind out, God's going to make sure
that we find out right. Soit always comes to me, even when
the guy's trying to hide it.And when it comes to me, I'm
not always going to react to itright away. And by the time they've
(16:53):
been up to it for a coupleof months, they always get mad when
they find out at the revealed thatI've known for a while. Why didn't
you say anything? You're making melook stupid? Well, no, you
made you look stupid, right,you made you look stupid. You stole
your car? All right, I'mgonna be right back, you guys,
(17:14):
empty bottles of right and water,hearing on the floor from it. Last
night we got a little drunk,and now I'm gonna let him down.
Spending nights by your bedside, talkingtil it's dark out. Somehow can get
you off my mind. Don't wantto say good back, bye, bye
(17:38):
bye. Maybe we should take itslong. I don't feel too comfortable jumping
into something new right now. Yeah, I don't really don't anymore how to
feel something out again. Think I'mjust scared. Do one another dog only
(18:06):
I don't really know anymore how tobe more than any of friends. They
can just scare the fall in theone another dog holling in early mornings in
your dom, I'll be sticking upthe door while the sunrise because I ain't
got the time. I can't tellinganother night, and baby, I know
(18:30):
you one more than miss, butyou know I can't afford your kiss.
So I'm saying for the night.But then I gotta say goodbye and by.
Maybe we should take kids long.I don't feel too comfortable ball jumping
(18:51):
into something new right now. Idon't really know anymore how to feel something
out again. They can just scaredphoning you want to I don't really know
(19:11):
any more how to be more thanany off friend. They can just scare
the fall in the one that ago in. Oh baby, I don't
know. I think I'm scared offalling out and I really don't know how
(19:32):
to fegain. Yeah, I don'treally know anymore how to feel something out
again they I'm just scared phone youwant to do. I don't really know
anymore how to be all of anyoff friend stuck in the passwatch and videos
(20:10):
of first I have been trying andget rid of your stuff, the voices
in my head or telling me thestuff. It's all I have, lift
all I have off. You thoughtI was smart than nobody you hope,
baby, I wanted you, wantedus to be something. I was so
sure, letting my god down foryou. Baby? Why'd you after me
(20:37):
me like I gave you my heart? You toy part. I don't know
why you had to hurt me?Hear me act that now. I'm man,
stop drinking down stuff, just tryingto forget you and everything we said.
I can seem to get starts outon my head? Baby? Why'd
you after me? The men actthem here like that? Oh, standing
(21:04):
inside in my bed all day long, listening in the sad songs and feeling
solo, thinking about you and wherewe went wrong. I wanna know while
you're at thought I was smarter thanabout your, old baby. I wanted
you, wanted us to be something. I was so sure then, my
(21:27):
god, downfield, baby, why'dyou after the meaning of me like I
gave you my heart? Guitory partdon't know while you at to her being
or me like that so messed up, drinking out stuff, just trying to
forget you everything we said. Ican seem to get the thoughts out on
(21:51):
my head, baby? Why'd youafter love me? Love me like that?
Dumb here like that? Oh?I thought I was smart than nobody,
(22:17):
old baby. I wanted you wanthit us so we saw that.
I was so sure there, mygod, don't feel baby? Why'd you
after act? I gave you myheart and guito don't know why you after
her mer at so manch drinking nowstuff, trying to fuget and everything we
(22:45):
said. I can seem to getthese thoughts out on my head baby,
while you after me, I meanact love me like that? All right?
Thank you guys for coming back againafter the music break, so I
(23:07):
can't. I want to be carefulto make sure that I'm not making any
of you think that your way ofdoing it, if you've already been through
this was the wrong way. Becauseeach one of us are dealing with a
different person, a different mindset,a different well, some of the mindsets
are similar, but they're all comingfrom different backgrounds. The reason why they
(23:34):
did it maybe you were, maybeyou did have your were a fault.
In some cases, you were cheatedon, and you have to look at
yourself in the mirror and go,was I cheated on? Because I did
this also? Then you know alreadythat I'm talking to you the cheater.
You're not the person being cheated on, because if you were doing this also,
(23:56):
then you know the reason why ithappened. That's kind of the weird
or calmer or on purpose revenge thathappened. It's never okay to get revenge
by doing it back to the person, even if anyone tries to convince you
that that's the way to go andthat's how you're gonna feel better. They're
lying to you. They are lyingto you. And when it's all said
(24:18):
and done. You now have twopeople who are feel in some type of
way, and it just makes thethings, makes things get more difficult.
So that's never the way. It'snot the answer. It's not gonna make
you feel better. If you feelthat you want to be with someone else,
you have to be upfront and say, look, I can't do this
anymore because of what you did.I have to go on. I'm gonna
(24:41):
move on. I'm gonna see whatelse is out there for me. Is
there someone else out there that won'tbehave this way with me? That this
happened because it was my wake upcall for me to see that you're just
not the one for me. Right, So when I say be calm,
I'm not telling you like, oh, if you're not calm, then there's
(25:03):
something wrong with you. That's notwhat I'm saying. I'm telling you that
it is one of the best reactionsthat you can have to sit to yourself,
walk away from whoever's trying to tellyou about it. If it happened
on a device, because every timeit has happened to me, the phone's
involved, and people always say,why don't you ever answer your phone?
(25:26):
If you know the trauma I havewould answer in my front door and answer
in my phone. You wouldn't bequick to open your door. You wouldn't
be quick to answer your phone either, Like you would let things go to
voicemail and let the voice read backto you and decide whether or not that's
a voicemail that you need a callthat you need to return. You would
(25:47):
be that way. Also, I'vehad a lot of trauma come by way
of phone emails and front doors,you know. So, I honestly I'm
the way that I am for reason, not because of this rude, stuck
up and all these other countless uselesswords that people use because they don't like
(26:07):
themselves about me. Right, Ihave a story. There's a lot behind
who I am, and a lotof it is from a painful place that
I've had to overcome. So orlet's say that God helped me to overcome.
Right, So it's really busy outside. I'm so sorry you guys.
(26:30):
I live right on top of thetoll that they have right here out here,
and I feel like I can heartraffic all the time. I Am
not sure if you can, butwhen I'm podcasting from home, I can
hear everything. So that's just whatI wanted to say on that about the
different reactions, which reaction is foryou? You know, we could just
(26:55):
sit here, like if I hada phone line, I would open the
phone lines and I would let youyou all call in to give me an
idea of you know, to tellme your different stories, because I bet
we've all had so many countless differentreactions and someone can relate. But what
we can do is I will postit, and wherever you see this podcast
episode posted, you can comment underneathand let me know, like, what
(27:21):
was your reaction when it happened toyou? What was your reaction when it
happened to someone that you care about? What was your reaction when it happened
to someone you know, a familymember, or someone you love deeply.
If it never happened to you,how did you react when you heard about
someone else that you care about thatit happened to reactions? People learn from
(27:41):
reactions, and people say, yep, I'm gonna do that. What you
never should another, don't ever shoulddo. I have a listen that do
not do. Don't don't go bangingup and breaking people's stuff. It's tempting.
The only person that you break onis when They've done it over and
over and I'm like, I can'tsay that I'm here. Don't break people's
(28:02):
staff, don't hit people, don'thurt people. Just think. Please be
mindful to think before you act,and if you take the time to think.
And again, we talked about iton the other episode. The breathing
exercises that work for me when Ineed to get my mind to a state
of calm is four four eight.So I'm gonna inhale at the counter four,
(28:30):
hold at the count of four,Excel at the counter for at the
count of eight. I'm sorry,I said that too fast before four eight.
So in hell four hold for exceleight and do that at least three
or four times before you clap back. Respond, talk about it, have
(28:52):
a conversation, go and meet upwith or whatever it is that's coming behind
with what ever happened. Make sureyou take the time to breathe, because
while you're breathing your thinking, you'recalming yourself down. You gave your brain
oxygen that was taken from you quicklywhen you got the news. So that's
(29:14):
one main reason why we inhale excel. You need to grab that oxygen back
to the brain. Because you lostit for a minute, right, and
then it's time to think about whatam I going to do with what I
just found out. I'm not goingto harm anybody because that's not the right
answer. I don't want to bedo anything illegal, banging up, cutting
(29:40):
up, bang, you know,breaking. You don't want to do any
of that. So what can Ido? What can I do? Talk
to yourself, Talk yourself through it. And if you need that space,
that off the grid space, gotake it. No one can tell you
that that's not for you. Ifyou know that that's what you need,
(30:03):
it may be a difficult decision.You may have to relocate to a whole
different place. You may have towalk away and be in an uncomfortable position
and leave a lot of things behindthat you love. If that's what it
takes. If that's what it takes, people work it out. And that's
(30:23):
the reason why I led with charlemagneaGod DJMV Tony Gaskins. Many people work
it out after cheating. You cancome back from it. It's a lot
with what I've gone through in ain my most recent relationship. I wouldn't
put this on anybody. I wouldnot tell anybody to stay and deal with
(30:45):
this. I wouldn't because it's alot. No, no, papap you
just went out. It's a lot, and you it makes you. It's
a lot like if a person doessomething one time, you can go through,
you know. But I wouldn't recommendstaying unless you have been built different.
(31:07):
And even in my built different,I have been tested, tried and
true, you know. So Iwouldn't put this on anybody in this situation
that I'm in. If the thingsthat have happened to me to others that
have happened to me in this relationship, I would quickly say, you need
to get away, you need towalk away. I know that just said
(31:30):
a lot, right, that justsaid a lot. So, but sometimes
when you have a calling, andyou know, I listen to to things
differently, and I know when it'swhen it's I need to make a move,
and I know when I need tosit still. Right, So I
try to listen to guide and makesure that I keep my life aligned to
(31:55):
where I can hear God. AndI just some things have to be done
a certain way and leaving isn't alwaysthe answer. So again I tell people
all the time, I'm not gonnajudge you because I've been in so many
different scenarios. I went through throughit with the X before, and I
(32:15):
walked that day, walked it's notfor me. Tried to reach out to
me, tried to talk to me. No, told me that my silence
hurt. I get it, itjust wasn't for me. I expected something
different. I expect people to adult, and when they don't adult, I
(32:37):
could sit in a relationship and growsilent. Also, my fiance right now,
I can tell you about that.I could grow silent. Af It's
the most uncomfortable thing because I'm alwaystalking, right, I always have something
to say, and if I don'thave something to say, most people that
are around me all the time,it's hard them to deal with when I
(33:00):
go silent. But silence is myprotection. Being alone is my protection,
you know, knowing that I haveto clear my mind and get clarity,
and I have to take care again. I suffer from anxiety, so I
have to take care of me anddo you know a lot to get back
(33:22):
to being the person that can bearound someone that has disrespected me in the
highest level. If I could,so many stories I can tell you,
just not the time to tell them. Right now. So I hope you
were writing these things down. Makesure that you share, and then I
want you when you see the episodeand or you hear the episode, however,
(33:45):
just reach out to me on socials. I am d Shields. You
can reach me on threads, Iam dee s H I E L d
S and on threads and on X. I always want to say Twitter gets
to it on thresday next. Youcan reach me that way. That's where
I prefer the strangers of the worldto connect with me, and you can
(34:08):
connect under there and we can havea conversation and share this out. If
this is not something that you canrelate to when you have a perfect life,
share it. It may there maycome a time when you can relate
to it. I remember being apart of a huge conversation sation that was
just like this and I'm sorry somany people coughing in the office this week.
(34:30):
A conversation I was just like this, and I couldn't relate to it.
And then times in my life cameand I was able to relate to
it, and I was able toreflect back on that conversation and I understood
things in a whole different way.I understood staying at a time. Now
I understand staying at a time whenthere was a time in my life when
(34:52):
I didn't understand staying or talking itout or discussing anything, you know.
But sometimes it is a situation whereyou're going to talk it out. Sometimes
it's just the one time mistake.And then there are times when you're dealing
with a bad player with bad behaviorthat's really toxic, and you have to
figure out why the universe allowed thisin your life. You have to figure
(35:15):
out what you weren't doing, whatyou should be doing to guard yourself against
these kind of you know, chaoticand toxic behaviors. All right, thanks
for coming by. I appreciate y'all. Thank you for pausing for the music
breaks. I appreciate that also,And I'll be back for another episode.
(35:36):
I am your host, D Shields, and this is what D says the podcast
Yeah, I don't want to slowdown. I don't want to slow down.
I don't want to slow down tothe Berno, I just want to
live fast. I don't want tolook back and say I could have done
more than or did not. Sometimesit can be harder. It can be
harder. It can be hard Hey, loves, thank you so much for
coming back. By tonight we aregoing to be talking after they cheat.
(00:32):
What's the best reaction? What isthe best reaction that one can do after
the person that they love cheats onthem? Honestly, I'm gonna let you
know right now, I'm gonna goover several different reactions. You have to
pick and choose what's for you,and you probably won't even know what's for
(00:54):
you until you get in the midstof that actual moment, if that moment
ever happens to you. So don'tthink that I'm going to sit and give
you this one way solution and thatit's going to work for everybody when they're
in this scenario, because that's nothow life works. No one thing can
work for all people. That ifit was like that, then we would
(01:17):
all live this quiet, organized lifethat wouldn't see things like the crazy viral
video that went viral today of badparenting at the birthday party. If you
haven't seen that, then look upkid's birthday party over the weekend and see
how what you think about that.No one thing can work for all people.
(01:37):
If it did, we wouldn't havemoments like that happen in this world
of hours today. So after theycheat, there are several different reactions.
I will tell you about reactions ofpeople that I've seen. I will tell
you reactions that I've heard about thatI admired. I will tell you about
(01:59):
reactions that I think are extreme.And then I'm gonna tell you about my
reactions, all right, and differentscenarios how they work for each person.
Again, write this down what's foryou? Put that down what's not for
you? Share it out. Ifthis is not even a situation that you
(02:21):
can relate to past that podcast onthis episode, pass it on to the
next person. Do you think maybethis is something that they should hear?
All right? I'm your host.D Shields, thank you for stopping by
IMD Shields. Across social media.You can find me at IMD Shields,
on threads, on x you canfind me at IMD Shields Coo on TikTok
(02:43):
and you can find me at DShields, just D Shields, Dee Space
Shields on Facebook. All Right,so here's what I wanted to say.
There's been several different reactions. I'mgonna go were some of the most recent
ones about people that we've heard about, like let's go through the gossip chain
(03:06):
and from the horse's mouth kind ofreactions. Two people that I like to
look at their pattern of work andthe way that they hold themselves and the
way that they hustle and they getout there and they get it done and
they make things happen. I've beenlooking recently at Charlemagne the Guide, just
very impressed about the way that he'sbeen able to come back from maybe negative
(03:29):
times and reinvent himself, but yetstill be the same and go and we
see them evolve, especially when itcomes to his mental health journey. And
recently, while listening to a podcastone of their episodes, he was talking
I think there was even today thatI found out that it was envy also.
But in another episode I heard Charlemagnea God talk about how it was
(03:53):
him that cheated and when he toldme about his wife's reaction I've heard that
said another time before by another manwho says what I was doing was cheating.
I didn't actually sleep with the woman, but I was cheating, and
that's Tony Gaskin's so. Tony Gaskinssaid that his situation was he was in
the DMS, I believe with aperson and that person wasn't his wife,
(04:15):
and it was cheating. And hisreaction, his wife's reaction, I think
I want to share that one.Also. Charlamagneag Gott talked about how when
he got called cheating, he's areaction that he said, we know that
there's always more behind the scenes thatwe have no idea what happens in everybody's
lives. Right, there's probably alot more that happens in those other moments
(04:39):
that are not shared when people recapwhat happened after they cheated. Right.
He said that his wife got upand packed the family and was gone.
Not oh, I'm over across townand you reach out to me and we'll
go back and forth and have wordswith each other. No, that's not
(05:00):
what happened. He said that hiswife was gone, that she left.
She was what was considered almost off, just off the grid, could not
find her, could not contact her. There was no way to find her
own social media, by phone,by email, nothing. There was no
contact whatsoever. And as we knowthem are that they are in a better
(05:21):
place today. We see that thatreaction whatever, that whatever she needed for
herself to heal, to be complete, for her marriage to work, that
worked for her. Some people say, oh, I walked away, but
you're still be in contact, thatYou're still allowing yourself to be seen.
(05:44):
You're putting yourself out there so thatyou know, friends of your husband,
are friends of your boyfriend, orsomeone can tell what you're doing on social
media. You're still making yourself visible. But for a person to go completely
off the grid where no one,even the closest person in the circle knows
where they are. Yet you knowthat they're safe, but they're not saying
(06:08):
where their location is and they're notdoing communication and so they can process what
happened to them. That's a reactionthat some people have and I'm like,
I admire that reaction. I admirethe time that it took to be able
to process for herself what she neededfor her I admired that she was able
(06:30):
to do that and say, probablywent through a process to forgive herself because
oftentimes when we're cheated on, wefind fault. We don't mean to do
so, but we find fault inourselves and it's never our fault, it's
the cheater's fault. So I likethat reaction. So I thought that I
was like one of the top onesthat needed to be shared. Another reaction
(06:51):
was almost similar, like I said. Tony Gaskins says that his wife got
up and left that day, didn'tweigh, didn't take a second, didn't
argue it out. You know,they may have had some other moments,
but she was gone that day andhe didn't touch the woman. He dm
a woman, and he said hiswife was out of there. I'm not
(07:13):
about to have a conversation with youabout this. I am out, and
we know them today to be ina better place. Right. But that
was what was needed in order toprocess what had happened. You cheated on
me. I need to deal withthis within myself, on my own,
without you and my face trying tomanipulate the process and manipulate how and when
(07:35):
I forgive you. Right, Sosome people do the off the grid,
no contact. I don't want tosee you. I don't want to see
your friends. I don't want yourfriends or family to know what we have
going on. Some people do thatkind of reaction. That's and it's probably
(07:57):
by most experts will say that's that'sall healthy reaction. That's a healthy reaction.
Other reactions that take place are instantlytrying to talk it out. The
majority of the time, the cheaterdoes not want to talk it out.
The cheater is not going to beforthcoming in that initial got caught that.
(08:20):
The cheater is going to be tryingto blame someone. The cheater is going
to be making excuses. They oftenwill. They often in situations that I've
been in, they will be littleit down to I was stupid. You're
pretty smart to be able to,hey, pop up, go over there.
(08:41):
You're pretty smart to be able tofind a whole other person and take
the time to give that whole otherperson all of your time and do it
in such a strategic way that youdidn't get caught until the person came and
told your girl about it. Youaren't stupid, then, you know.
So, I don't like, oh, I was stupid. No, that
(09:01):
leaves out a lot. No,you just didn't care. You just were
careless. You didn't think that therelationship mattered, You didn't value the relationship.
I always tell people my belief isthat people cheat for lack of loyalty,
lack of willpower, from weakness,no self discipline. Those are the
(09:24):
reasons why people cheat. They cansay, oh, it's because she was
doing this, and that it's becausehe was doing no lack of willpower,
selfish lack of loyalty, no discipline, that's what makes people cheat. It
is easy to cheat. It ishard to be disciplined. It is hard
(09:46):
most for some. It's really easyfor me to be loyal, but it's
hard for some people to be loyal. If you keep your eye on the
ball, and you keep your eyeon the goal, and you know what
it is that you are doing andthe reason that you're doing it four and
you don't get easily distracted, andyou're not so thirsty, I have nothing
(10:09):
else. You're not so thirsty.Well, you're not so thirsty. I'm
telling you. Those are more effectiveways of being to help you be loyal.
Right, Okay, Pappy, Ihave to get my puppy. You
guys, so hold on, Okay, we're gonna come right back. People
(10:31):
figure it out, just thinking aboutwhat you're gonna do now. But we
on the conscience and come likely andstood. I gotta make a counsel and
lose your worries, get your problems. Got nobody burns out. I ain't
(10:52):
in a conda snow. No,I ain't have gone so gone. So
(11:13):
I don't want to waste time.I don't want to waste time. I
don't want to waste time on fakefriends. Man, I just want to
get. I just want to get. I just want to get all right,
So let's get ready to wrap itup. I'm going to take my
dog out for a walk. ButI just want you to know just some
reactions. And I don't want tobe interrupted by going out into the noise
(11:35):
to have to be able to tryto finish up the rest of this podcast.
So I wanted you to know thatwhen it comes to cheating, whatever
reaction that person has after you've doneit, because this is a message to
the cheater, that reaction is okay. Who are you to judge their reaction?
(11:56):
You're really caught up within yourself tothink that someone owes you a quick
apology, and stop putting a timetable on the apology. Stop putting a
time like, oh, you needto hurry up, And why haven't you
just said that you're sorry that that? Why haven't you accepted my sorry?
Why haven't you accepted my apology yet? It's been a week? Okay,
(12:20):
well that that happened two months ago. Okay, that was two years ago.
Stop. Stop, You're not owedforgiveness. Your actions were wrong,
you were out of line. Noone owes you anything. No one has
to give you forgiveness because you decidedto do the wrong thing. Here's a
(12:43):
reaction that I say. This isa no. Don't slap them, don't
fight them, keep your dignity.It's gonna be hard. You're gonna have
to think hard about how you wantto go about. Think hard about Let
me keep a practice of exercising patience, Let me be gentle with myself when
(13:07):
I get some uncomfortable news. Ifyou keep that practice the majority of the
time, there is gonna be abreaking point, I'm telling you, especially
when you have one of the multiplebad players like just constantly cutting up because
they think that you cannot be brokento cut them off, so they'll constantly
do it again and again and again. But if you can just keep your
(13:31):
cool. That's a reaction. Italked to one guy before and he said,
when you went silent, man,that hurt more than anything I'd ever
been through. He was like,I've been through a lot of things with
a lot of women, but completesilence that hurts. That made me reflect,
(13:54):
That made me think about what I'vedone. That's the reaction that I
admire. When I go silent onpeople. I need to think. I
need to process. I need tomake sure that I'm not going to disrespect
myself for you when I finally decideto address whatever it is that has happened,
that's out of line. That's badbehavior. So my admire my silence.
(14:18):
Be grateful for my silence. IfI go into some quick smart remarks
and yelling and screaming, which isnot gonna happen very often. It's just
I always feel like that's the uselessreaction to anything, right, So when
I do get like that, youshould know that my anxiety is high,
that my stress is high. We'regoing to talk about my anxiety in a
(14:39):
full episode and how I go abouttreating that now and the help that I've
been able to get for that.But because people know my character, if
I do that, it's like oneto three times a year kind of thing.
And if it's happening, people go, she's stressed out. Something's going
(15:01):
on, something's overwhelming her. Peoplethat love me, that's what they say,
what's going on? What are youoverwhelmed about? What's happening? How
can we lighten your lobe? Andthat's just I work hard to be self
disciplined. I make mistakes all thetime, So don't you take this as
some speech that I'm perfect. Imake mistakes all the time in life.
(15:24):
But I work on self discipline sothat I can bring my best to me.
And the only way that I cando that with the type of disorder
that I have is I spend alot of time alone, a lot of
time to myself, so that whenI'm out and about which is you know,
I give myself four to five Thisyear is gonna have about five to
six outings before the year comes toan end. And that's a lot.
(15:46):
That was a lot for me becauseI usually don't even do that in my
healing process. But I'm getting toanother side of grief and then empowered side,
going really excited about a work shopthat I may be able to be
a part of with a very wellknown actor. He has us doing a
(16:07):
workshop, and if I get tobe on that journey, I know I'm
gonna get a lot from that.And so I could just see the grief
going to another stage and let's hopethat I can continue to be in that
space. Right. So, butreally control that reaction if you can think
hard about how you want yourself tolook. So just walk away what they
(16:32):
told you, what whoever brought itto you, Because God's usually busy.
I don't look for it because God'susually busy making sure that we're okay.
So when it's time for us tofind out, God's going to make sure
that we find out right. Soit always comes to me, even when
the guy's trying to hide it.And when it comes to me, I'm
not always going to react to itright away. And by the time they've
(16:53):
been up to it for a coupleof months, they always get mad when
they find out at the revealed thatI've known for a while. Why didn't
you say anything? You're making melook stupid? Well, no, you
made you look stupid, right,you made you look stupid. You stole
your car? All right, I'mgonna be right back, you guys,
(17:14):
empty bottles of right and water,hearing on the floor from it. Last
night we got a little drunk,and now I'm gonna let him down.
Spending nights by your bedside, talkingtil it's dark out. Somehow can get
you off my mind. Don't wantto say good back, bye, bye
(17:38):
bye. Maybe we should take itslong. I don't feel too comfortable jumping
into something new right now. Yeah, I don't really don't anymore how to
feel something out again. Think I'mjust scared. Do one another dog only
(18:06):
I don't really know anymore how tobe more than any of friends. They
can just scare the fall in theone another dog holling in early mornings in
your dom, I'll be sticking upthe door while the sunrise because I ain't
got the time. I can't tellinganother night, and baby, I know
(18:30):
you one more than miss, butyou know I can't afford your kiss.
So I'm saying for the night.But then I gotta say goodbye and by.
Maybe we should take kids long.I don't feel too comfortable ball jumping
(18:51):
into something new right now. Idon't really know anymore how to feel something
out again. They can just scaredphoning you want to I don't really know
(19:11):
any more how to be more thanany off friend. They can just scare
the fall in the one that ago in. Oh baby, I don't
know. I think I'm scared offalling out and I really don't know how
(19:32):
to fegain. Yeah, I don'treally know anymore how to feel something out
again they I'm just scared phone youwant to do. I don't really know
anymore how to be all of anyoff friend stuck in the passwatch and videos
(20:10):
of first I have been trying andget rid of your stuff, the voices
in my head or telling me thestuff. It's all I have, lift
all I have off. You thoughtI was smart than nobody you hope,
baby, I wanted you, wantedus to be something. I was so
sure, letting my god down foryou. Baby? Why'd you after me
(20:37):
me like I gave you my heart? You toy part. I don't know
why you had to hurt me?Hear me act that now. I'm man,
stop drinking down stuff, just tryingto forget you and everything we said.
I can seem to get starts outon my head? Baby? Why'd
you after me? The men actthem here like that? Oh, standing
(21:04):
inside in my bed all day long, listening in the sad songs and feeling
solo, thinking about you and wherewe went wrong. I wanna know while
you're at thought I was smarter thanabout your, old baby. I wanted
you, wanted us to be something. I was so sure then, my
(21:27):
god, downfield, baby, why'dyou after the meaning of me like I
gave you my heart? Guitory partdon't know while you at to her being
or me like that so messed up, drinking out stuff, just trying to
forget you everything we said. Ican seem to get the thoughts out on
(21:51):
my head, baby? Why'd youafter love me? Love me like that?
Dumb here like that? Oh?I thought I was smart than nobody,
(22:17):
old baby. I wanted you wanthit us so we saw that.
I was so sure there, mygod, don't feel baby? Why'd you
after act? I gave you myheart and guito don't know why you after
her mer at so manch drinking nowstuff, trying to fuget and everything we
(22:45):
said. I can seem to getthese thoughts out on my head baby,
while you after me, I meanact love me like that? All right?
Thank you guys for coming back againafter the music break, so I
(23:07):
can't. I want to be carefulto make sure that I'm not making any
of you think that your way ofdoing it, if you've already been through
this was the wrong way. Becauseeach one of us are dealing with a
different person, a different mindset,a different well, some of the mindsets
are similar, but they're all comingfrom different backgrounds. The reason why they
(23:34):
did it maybe you were, maybeyou did have your were a fault.
In some cases, you were cheatedon, and you have to look at
yourself in the mirror and go,was I cheated on? Because I did
this also? Then you know alreadythat I'm talking to you the cheater.
You're not the person being cheated on, because if you were doing this also,
(23:56):
then you know the reason why ithappened. That's kind of the weird
or calmer or on purpose revenge thathappened. It's never okay to get revenge
by doing it back to the person, even if anyone tries to convince you
that that's the way to go andthat's how you're gonna feel better. They're
lying to you. They are lyingto you. And when it's all said
(24:18):
and done. You now have twopeople who are feel in some type of
way, and it just makes thethings, makes things get more difficult.
So that's never the way. It'snot the answer. It's not gonna make
you feel better. If you feelthat you want to be with someone else,
you have to be upfront and say, look, I can't do this
anymore because of what you did.I have to go on. I'm gonna
(24:41):
move on. I'm gonna see whatelse is out there for me. Is
there someone else out there that won'tbehave this way with me? That this
happened because it was my wake upcall for me to see that you're just
not the one for me. Right, So when I say be calm,
I'm not telling you like, oh, if you're not calm, then there's
(25:03):
something wrong with you. That's notwhat I'm saying. I'm telling you that
it is one of the best reactionsthat you can have to sit to yourself,
walk away from whoever's trying to tellyou about it. If it happened
on a device, because every timeit has happened to me, the phone's
involved, and people always say,why don't you ever answer your phone?
(25:26):
If you know the trauma I havewould answer in my front door and answer
in my phone. You wouldn't bequick to open your door. You wouldn't
be quick to answer your phone either, Like you would let things go to
voicemail and let the voice read backto you and decide whether or not that's
a voicemail that you need a callthat you need to return. You would
(25:47):
be that way. Also, I'vehad a lot of trauma come by way
of phone emails and front doors,you know. So, I honestly I'm
the way that I am for reason, not because of this rude, stuck
up and all these other countless uselesswords that people use because they don't like
(26:07):
themselves about me. Right, Ihave a story. There's a lot behind
who I am, and a lotof it is from a painful place that
I've had to overcome. So orlet's say that God helped me to overcome.
Right, So it's really busy outside. I'm so sorry you guys.
(26:30):
I live right on top of thetoll that they have right here out here,
and I feel like I can heartraffic all the time. I Am
not sure if you can, butwhen I'm podcasting from home, I can
hear everything. So that's just whatI wanted to say on that about the
different reactions, which reaction is foryou? You know, we could just
(26:55):
sit here, like if I hada phone line, I would open the
phone lines and I would let youyou all call in to give me an
idea of you know, to tellme your different stories, because I bet
we've all had so many countless differentreactions and someone can relate. But what
we can do is I will postit, and wherever you see this podcast
episode posted, you can comment underneathand let me know, like, what
(27:21):
was your reaction when it happened toyou? What was your reaction when it
happened to someone that you care about? What was your reaction when it happened
to someone you know, a familymember, or someone you love deeply.
If it never happened to you,how did you react when you heard about
someone else that you care about thatit happened to reactions? People learn from
(27:41):
reactions, and people say, yep, I'm gonna do that. What you
never should another, don't ever shoulddo. I have a listen that do
not do. Don't don't go bangingup and breaking people's stuff. It's tempting.
The only person that you break onis when They've done it over and
over and I'm like, I can'tsay that I'm here. Don't break people's
(28:02):
staff, don't hit people, don'thurt people. Just think. Please be
mindful to think before you act,and if you take the time to think.
And again, we talked about iton the other episode. The breathing
exercises that work for me when Ineed to get my mind to a state
of calm is four four eight.So I'm gonna inhale at the counter four,
(28:30):
hold at the count of four,Excel at the counter for at the
count of eight. I'm sorry,I said that too fast before four eight.
So in hell four hold for exceleight and do that at least three
or four times before you clap back. Respond, talk about it, have
(28:52):
a conversation, go and meet upwith or whatever it is that's coming behind
with what ever happened. Make sureyou take the time to breathe, because
while you're breathing your thinking, you'recalming yourself down. You gave your brain
oxygen that was taken from you quicklywhen you got the news. So that's
(29:14):
one main reason why we inhale excel. You need to grab that oxygen back
to the brain. Because you lostit for a minute, right, and
then it's time to think about whatam I going to do with what I
just found out. I'm not goingto harm anybody because that's not the right
answer. I don't want to bedo anything illegal, banging up, cutting
(29:40):
up, bang, you know,breaking. You don't want to do any
of that. So what can Ido? What can I do? Talk
to yourself, Talk yourself through it. And if you need that space,
that off the grid space, gotake it. No one can tell you
that that's not for you. Ifyou know that that's what you need,
(30:03):
it may be a difficult decision.You may have to relocate to a whole
different place. You may have towalk away and be in an uncomfortable position
and leave a lot of things behindthat you love. If that's what it
takes. If that's what it takes, people work it out. And that's
(30:23):
the reason why I led with charlemagneaGod DJMV Tony Gaskins. Many people work
it out after cheating. You cancome back from it. It's a lot
with what I've gone through in ain my most recent relationship. I wouldn't
put this on anybody. I wouldnot tell anybody to stay and deal with
(30:45):
this. I wouldn't because it's alot. No, no, papap you
just went out. It's a lot, and you it makes you. It's
a lot like if a person doessomething one time, you can go through,
you know. But I wouldn't recommendstaying unless you have been built different.
(31:07):
And even in my built different,I have been tested, tried and
true, you know. So Iwouldn't put this on anybody in this situation
that I'm in. If the thingsthat have happened to me to others that
have happened to me in this relationship, I would quickly say, you need
to get away, you need towalk away. I know that just said
(31:30):
a lot, right, that justsaid a lot. So, but sometimes
when you have a calling, andyou know, I listen to to things
differently, and I know when it'swhen it's I need to make a move,
and I know when I need tosit still. Right, So I
try to listen to guide and makesure that I keep my life aligned to
(31:55):
where I can hear God. AndI just some things have to be done
a certain way and leaving isn't alwaysthe answer. So again I tell people
all the time, I'm not gonnajudge you because I've been in so many
different scenarios. I went through throughit with the X before, and I
(32:15):
walked that day, walked it's notfor me. Tried to reach out to
me, tried to talk to me. No, told me that my silence
hurt. I get it, itjust wasn't for me. I expected something
different. I expect people to adult, and when they don't adult, I
(32:37):
could sit in a relationship and growsilent. Also, my fiance right now,
I can tell you about that.I could grow silent. Af It's
the most uncomfortable thing because I'm alwaystalking, right, I always have something
to say, and if I don'thave something to say, most people that
are around me all the time,it's hard them to deal with when I
(33:00):
go silent. But silence is myprotection. Being alone is my protection,
you know, knowing that I haveto clear my mind and get clarity,
and I have to take care again. I suffer from anxiety, so I
have to take care of me anddo you know a lot to get back
(33:22):
to being the person that can bearound someone that has disrespected me in the
highest level. If I could,so many stories I can tell you,
just not the time to tell them. Right now. So I hope you
were writing these things down. Makesure that you share, and then I
want you when you see the episodeand or you hear the episode, however,
(33:45):
just reach out to me on socials. I am d Shields. You
can reach me on threads, Iam dee s H I E L d
S and on threads and on X. I always want to say Twitter gets
to it on thresday next. Youcan reach me that way. That's where
I prefer the strangers of the worldto connect with me, and you can
(34:08):
connect under there and we can havea conversation and share this out. If
this is not something that you canrelate to when you have a perfect life,
share it. It may there maycome a time when you can relate
to it. I remember being apart of a huge conversation sation that was
just like this and I'm sorry somany people coughing in the office this week.
(34:30):
A conversation I was just like this, and I couldn't relate to it.
And then times in my life cameand I was able to relate to
it, and I was able toreflect back on that conversation and I understood
things in a whole different way.I understood staying at a time. Now
I understand staying at a time whenthere was a time in my life when
(34:52):
I didn't understand staying or talking itout or discussing anything, you know.
But sometimes it is a situation whereyou're going to talk it out. Sometimes
it's just the one time mistake.And then there are times when you're dealing
with a bad player with bad behaviorthat's really toxic, and you have to
figure out why the universe allowed thisin your life. You have to figure
(35:15):
out what you weren't doing, whatyou should be doing to guard yourself against
these kind of you know, chaoticand toxic behaviors. All right, thanks
for coming by. I appreciate y'all. Thank you for pausing for the music
breaks. I appreciate that also,And I'll be back for another episode.
(35:36):
I am your host, D Shields, and this is what D says the podcast
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