EPISODE 113 - Attention Wal-Mart Customers...

Attention Wal-Mart customers... we'd like to welcome you to the store today as we have new specials and rolled-back prices on items to add to your shopping list. First we'd like to remind you that we value customer participation. If you feel you're paying too much for chicken at restaurants or you overhear other douche bag customers bad mouthing classic 80's films, we want to hear about it. We encourage all of our patrons to give us feedback. We'd also like to remind our emo customers that all girl's jeans are now on sale through the weekend.
Wal-Mart takes a strong moral stance against what we feel constitutes profane, immoral or pornographic language, suggestion and behavior. If you're looking for content that features such things, we suggest you look elsewhere. Perhaps Time Warner's Preschool On Demand video service. Or the Who Asked You? segment called Who Screwed You?. Be advised we edited that segment's title just now for our primary demographic, stick-in-the-mud soccer moms.
Electronics, you have a call on line 2... electronics, call on line 2. It's Blockbuster Video. They say they may be filing for bankruptcy and will need to liquidate their DVD and video game inventory and are wondering if we're interested. They also want to put one of their lame kiosks out in front next to the Redbox one.
We also want to tell you all about our 90% off sale in the world's most popular Internet domain bin located near sporting goods. In the bin you'll find "sex.com" for roughly a tenth of it's retail value. You won't see rolled-back prices like these again. If you're a major company interested in buying this popular web address, you may have your chance since the current owners blew it.
Over in toys we have small children ages 4 and under for the fantastic Wal-Mart price of $4,995. That's cheaper than what they're currently going for on Craigslist. If you're looking for a new kid, or need to replace the one you spanked to death over on isle 6, this is the deal for you!
And we've still got free samples of facts from around the globe! Just make your way over to isle 5 and sample 8 facts to see which is your favorite. Normally there's 10 to choose from, but as we're about to close, we simply don't have time to offer you all of them today.
We'd like to thank you for choosing Wal-Mart for all your shopping needs and ask that all black people please leave the store now.