December 20, 2024 • 35 mins
Do heated arguments feel like a constant in your relationship? You’re not alone—but the good news is, it doesn’t have to stay that way! In this video, we’re sharing 5 proven tips to help you reduce conflict, improve communication, and build a stronger connection with your partner.
💡 What You’ll Learn:
1️⃣ How to work on yourself for a healthier relationship
2️⃣ The importance of trust and how to build it
3️⃣ How to practice healthy, effective communication
4️⃣ Why taking a breath and giving it time can de-escalate conflicts
5️⃣ Real-life examples from our own journey as a couple
🎯 Whether you’re newly dating, engaged, or married, these practical steps will empower you to shift from frequent arguments to a more peaceful and understanding dynamic.
💬 Join the Relationship Restored Online Community or learn more HERE!
🎙️ Got a topic you’d love for us to cover? Request it HERE!
📲 Connect with us:
Dre on IG: @itsdresmith
Bre on IG: @breannaaponte
Relationship Restored IG: @relationshiprestored
If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to like, comment, and leave a review! Your support helps us keep the conversation going!
💡 What You’ll Learn:
1️⃣ How to work on yourself for a healthier relationship
2️⃣ The importance of trust and how to build it
3️⃣ How to practice healthy, effective communication
4️⃣ Why taking a breath and giving it time can de-escalate conflicts
5️⃣ Real-life examples from our own journey as a couple
🎯 Whether you’re newly dating, engaged, or married, these practical steps will empower you to shift from frequent arguments to a more peaceful and understanding dynamic.
💬 Join the Relationship Restored Online Community or learn more HERE!
🎙️ Got a topic you’d love for us to cover? Request it HERE!
📲 Connect with us:
Dre on IG: @itsdresmith
Bre on IG: @breannaaponte
Relationship Restored IG: @relationshiprestored
If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to like, comment, and leave a review! Your support helps us keep the conversation going!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's up if you're new here. Wordre and Brice Smith
we have been together for seven years. We waited for
four before marriage, we've been married for three and now
we have an amazing relationship and we started relationship restored
in order to share our advice on how to have
a happy, healthy relationship. So if you love our content,
make sure to subscribe, and if you want to join
our community, head over to relationship restored dot com backslash
(00:22):
community for singles and couples.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
So today we are answering a question that somebody have
for us, which was how do you avoid heated.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Arguments in your relationship?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Because we've dealt with this a lot early on, so
we want to share our tips with you guys, and
we have five tips that we want to give you
all to not have heated arguments anymore. But if you
want to write in and ask us any questions, make
sure to go to relationship restore dot com backslash Dismith
and there'll be an opportunity there to write in.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
So our first tip is working on yourself.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
And I do want to say this because obviously the
person with the anger issues in every relationship, there's normally
someone who is a little bit more aggressive, hot headed,
and uh, you know, they just a little spicy spicy.
So although it was definitely like a me having to
work on myself, it is a two person job, right,
Like there were things that Dre needed to work on
(01:15):
in order to support me and me working on me
so that we could get to this space. So I
just want to talk about a few things that I
did personally that really made a big difference, and then
we'll talk about what I asked of you in order
to support me in that, and we'll.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Talk about the things that I worked on as well.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Yeah. Yeah, So the first thing that I did was
I really had work on anger. I'm like, what did
I really even do for anger? I think the first
thing was that I said, when something is happening and
I'm in the moment and I'm heated, like stop talking
to me. I need to just be left alone, Like
give me a moment to think and calm down, because
(01:53):
if we're in the moment, I don't care what you're
talking about, I'm going to win the argument, like saying
mean things like so I really had to work on
taking time to reflect on what I was even mad about.
And then remind myself that we are on the same
team and that neither of us want to argue, right,
So I would have to really look at, Okay, what
is the issue, what am I upset at? And then
(02:13):
how do I properly communicate with Dre for him to
know why I'm upset?
Speaker 3 (02:18):
Right?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
So that was like tip number one. The second thing,
which I think was the biggest game changer, was looking
at past relationships. So I had had very toxic relationships
where I just thought from a very young age, like
even just growing up and seeing like the way that
my mom would be with like men that she dated,
like there was there was arguing a lot, and to me,
(02:42):
I just thought that was normal. And as I got
older and as I got into more toxic relationships, I
thought that if someone didn't argue with me in the
way that I saw like growing up and being in
again those toxic relationships, then you don't care about me.
So if I would come to Dre and I'm like, oh,
I fell away, and he's just like okay, like first.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Calm down, I love you, and I'm like, no, what
are you talking about? Like you don't care?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
So I really had this like toxic trait of thinking
that if someone didn't yell and argue at me, that
they didn't love me. So that is where therapy comes
into play and where I really was able to peel
back the layers into what I thought was a relationship
versus what a healthy relationship actually was. So let's talk
about you.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Know, no, that's so real, because I feel like a
lot of times you don't think. You always think that
if there is two like people with anger issues, that
that's the worst case scenario for like a really toxic situation,
but sometimes it could be a little bit worse if
one person is really angry and the other person's really calm,
(03:47):
because that calm person could tick off the angry person
even more being so.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Calm he got, the more pissed off I was.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
For sure, it was so funny. I could not understand it.
But earlier on our really that was definitely a thing.
But what Bria said is definitely real because we always
talk about that in relationship, you can only control yourself.
You can influence another person to try to do something,
but ultimately you are the only person that you can control,
and sometimes we don't take into account how the things
(04:17):
that we do impact the overall relationship. Yeah, the other
person may have their issues and things they need to
work on, but there are things that you could do
that can help the situation or make it worse. So
it's important to start with ourselves. So bre pointing out
some points, I think for me, there's two things that
come to mind. Is you first have to they kind
of mesh in to one another, honestly, is looking at
(04:40):
your own insecurities and your own ego sometimes because I
think that could lead to a lot of arguments Bria
talked about before, like the wanting to be right or
not wanting to be told what to do by somebody else.
Like that can play a part in heated arguments because
what the person could be saying could make sense. It
could be a criticism of you that's fair and that's
(05:03):
really thought out and something that makes sense based off
of their experience with you. But if you let your
ego get in away, or you don't address the insecurities
that you have, it can lead to something bigger and
it's really not justified. It's more of you just lashing
out and kind of being either embarrassed or feeling some
type of way about what they said to where it
(05:23):
has really nothing to do with what they did or
what they said, but.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
More about your own feeling about yourself.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
So it's important just in general, before you go into
anything in a relationship, whether it is talking about heated arguments,
any type of communication, to look at yourself first and
figure out is there things that I need to work on?
Is there things that I could do to contribute to
a more healthy environment for communication and getting problems solved
(05:50):
within our relationship.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Yeah. It's funny because I feel like, you know, I
watch a lot of dating shows.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Too many where you will watch a dating show. She's
watched like four dating shows in different languages, and I
come in and I'm like, they're like talking.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
I'm like, what are you watching?
Speaker 2 (06:10):
And she's like, Oh, this is what I was blind
Brazil or this is how to get a man a
Turkey or I don't know, Germany or something like that,
and I'd be like, what, So she watched a lot
of dating shows, Yes she does.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
But the number one thing I always hear people say
on these shows and in real life is like, I
just want to find someone who will make me better.
And it's like, do you Because most of the time
and someone's trying to tell you about yourself, you become defensive.
So it's that element of it where it's like taking
that pride and putting it aside allows you to really
look at yourself and then if you love and trust
(06:47):
the person, you should know that what they're telling you
is only for you, know, your betterment. So yeah, I
think that for me, I came into the relationship being like, hey,
I know I have a lot of stuff going on,
and my bags are kind of full and I need
some help unpacking. So in the midst of all this, like,
I just want you to know that, like I want
(07:07):
a healthy relationship.
Speaker 3 (07:09):
I do.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
I'm just a little toxic, so you're gonna have to
give me some time. But it helped because knowing that
that was the foundation of everything. Drey always knew if
he just stepped away and gave me some time, I
would come back with a level head. But that was
one of the things I asked of him, was like,
don't do that, Like, if you see I'm feeling a way,
don't like pick and pry and poke at whatever the
(07:31):
thing is. Don't try to get me to talk about
it if I'm not ready to talk about it. So
my kind of like rule of thumb was like, you know,
a couple hours, we always would still pretty much talk
same day, but it would be like just back up
and let me come to you. You know.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Yeah, I wasn't good at that because I grew up
in a completely different way to where me and my
parents talked about things all the time.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
You know that from knowing my parents.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
It's like open communication address things, but we did it
in a respectful way that it was never anything that
was like contentious. So me addressing an issue to her,
I was like, it's not that big of a deal,
Like why is I had to get to this point.
But then when it comes to somebody trying to win,
which is said you have to figure out why you
have that thing within yourself, then it can get into
less about what you even talked about and more about
(08:16):
like how you're addressing me, because how many arguments have
we all been in? And this is what we mean
by heat the arguments, by the way, is not like
somebody cheat on you, because that blow up is kind
of justified right in your relationship, like you shouldn't do that.
Somebody stealing money out of account, like those things are
justified it's those arguments to where you look back and
be like, I don't even know. I remember our reaction
(08:38):
and what the fallout was, but I don't even remember
what we were actually arguing about, cause it probably wasn't
that big of a deal. So remember and keep that
in mind, all right, So let's go to tip number two.
So Tip number two is taking down your defenses. So
this is a big thing in relationships that we all
deal with, and we had talked about it in the
first tip, which is sometimes you attack the person or
(09:00):
you're trying to win as if you're on separate teams
and it's like you're all on the same team, and
the approach that you're going to take with somebody who's
the ops and your enemy versus somebody who's on your team,
it's two different things. And I know it sounds like
common sense. Yeah, we're on the same team, but when
emotions start getting involved, typically we do not act that way.
(09:22):
If somebody gives us criticism, sometimes we're coming at them
like they're trying to rain on our parade. You don't
know how many times early in our relationship, I was
called like a party pooper, I'm trying to rain on
your parade. I just don't want you to live. You
work so hard. I work so hard, and you just
don't want me to enjoy the things I work so
hard for, Like all these things, Like sometimes I was
(09:43):
positioned as the enemy in the relationship, So then it
made it hard for us to have really constructive conversations.
And then every little thing that I would do sometimes
even if it was like a smirk or a laugh,
it's like, why you laugh like that, I'm seeing as
not being a part of trying to help you be successful.
I'm seeing as being the person opposing that. So then
(10:05):
that led into arguments that probably aren't that big of
a deal that if we address them today, we have
so many moments to where we look back and be like, man,
if this is us like six years ago, this would
have been like a different a different conversation, but we
can We're just in a much better place. And I
think what led to that is just taking down the defense.
(10:25):
It's like we are on the same team, and a
big part of that, before I throw it de Breee,
is just trust. It's like I didn't realize how important
trust is in a relationship, and the elements of trust
in a relationship. So again sounds obvious, right, but I
think a lot of times in relationships when we think
about trust, we think about somebody not cheating on us,
or somebody you know, doing the things to say they're
(10:47):
going to do. But there are other elements of trust
within a relationship that help you build a healthy foundation
for your relationship. So it's things even like I mentioned,
somebody doing what they say they're going to do, but
also trusting somebody with making decisions that you feel like
would be best for you all as a unit. That
was something that I really struggled with that I didn't
(11:09):
I trust a breed that she wouldn't cheat on me
and do all that other stuff, But when it came
to making decisions that she wanted to make and if
she would keep in mind how it would affect us
and our future, I had real trust issues with her
for a long time and believing that she would make
the best decision for us. So then anytime she would
present anything, I would always give pushback, even the smallest thing.
(11:32):
If it's like spending twenty five dollars over budget or
one hundred dollars over budget, like it would become this
heated argument because I didn't trust that we were on
the same team, had the same goals, had the same
mindset on how we wanted to achieve it.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
So then it led to a lot of different issues.
Would you agree with that, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
So that's actually took Number three is trust. Building trust
in your relationship obviously is a big game changer. So
I can give an example of how I took the
narrative that he just shared and flipped it on its head.
So at the beginning of our relationship, I he had
no record of any reasons to trust me from a
(12:13):
financial standpoint, because I made money, I spent money, I
did really dumb things with money. I was kind of
one of those people where it's like, what's the worst
that can happen? You know, It's like, yeah, I take
it day by day. I wasn't thinking of my future.
I just wanted to enjoy the moment, have a good time,
live my best life. So Dre had multiple times had
(12:33):
to bail me out of situations where that, you know,
created more of the trust issues of like, see this
is what I mean. But with all of those things
that had happened, he always gave me grace. He always
explained like why he was disappointed, But it was never
like something he held over my head, and it was like,
this is what you know you could do in the
(12:55):
future to not be in the situation. And so it
really probably we took like at least a year to
two years of me showing consistently every month for a
while that I can maintain a budget, and it got
to a point where me ANDROI actually started to flip
flop because I had gotten so budget conscious of like
(13:18):
I mean anything, like I'm like, oh, I don't know
if I'm gonna go to this brunch because you know,
when you're with a big group of people, you know,
if I buy something that's like thirty bucks, my tab
can end up being one hundred and fifty just because
everyone else is drinking and splitting and you know. And
he would just be like, it's okay, go to the brunch.
We have money, It's fine. But I had gotten really
strict with like money, because I started to receive the
(13:40):
reward of what it looks like to live in a
way where you budget. And I always thought a budget
would make me feel restricted, but it did the opposite.
It made me feel free to spend in the way
that we planned to, so I really enjoyed that. Well,
we had a situation where, you know, our first apartment
we were in a studio. How many square feet.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Five hundred and fifty two square feet.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Now, when we think about it, we're like, how do
we do that for that long? How long do we
live there? Two three years?
Speaker 3 (14:10):
Maybe two years?
Speaker 2 (14:11):
Luckily that apartment had like a door that went straight outside.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
I think we didn't have that. It would have been
really hard, so we could easily like just kind of
in and out walk outside, in and.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Out, had high ceilings. It was nice too, but it
was it was tiny, y'all, Like we had. It was
a studio apartment, so our living room, kitchen, dining, living
space was like this. Then we had a bedroom, we
had a bathroom that was our entire space, and like
a tiny little hallway. Actually, when we first started our
YouTube channel.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
We were if we go back to our first videos,
it's in that hallway and get the facts right, and
that was Yeah, that was the only way to have
any separation from where we were to anything behind us.
But that was a place that I had got before
I met Brie, and then she ended up moving in.
So that's why it was somewhat of like a bachelor
pad at the time.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Yeah, it was rough. So it got to a point
where I was like begging Dre for us to move.
I was like, this is ridiculous. I am putting like
shoes in kitchen cabinets because we have literally no space.
I'm sick of living this way. We can afford more.
I want to move and he wanted to stay and
save for a little longer. And we had gotten into
(15:20):
this big argument to the point where we had to
go to an emergency therapy session and talk it through.
And it basically I was at a point where I
was like, I'm willing to break up with you if
that means I can move and live somewhere else.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
And I was the same way.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
I was like, oh yeah we were I was total right,
he was total left. We were like what are we
going to do? So basically it ended with me deciding
to trust him.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
I cried.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
I was very like frustrated. I was so mad at him.
I was like, okay, whatever, I'm going to trust you.
How many months went by before we moved here, It.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Was maybe like six months, but I were build to you,
like I think three months in that we're getting this spot.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Yeah, and it again it just goes back to like
he knows what I want, he knows what makes me happy,
he knows what is best for us. But there's a
way to go about it. Had we have up and
just moved right then and there, it wouldn't have made sense.
And we're not going to go into details about our
living situation what had happened, But ultimately it makes sense.
It was yeah, divine timing, like everything worked out so perfectly.
(16:26):
It was really really crazy.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
So let me add to that too. And we're still
playing dividends for that decision right now. But I want
to contrast it with a earlier story, like during that
time we it may have been like a three four month,
i mean four week like period to where we were
just kind of rocky, like I had went to stay
with my parents because I just needed space to think
(16:50):
and try to figure things out for the weekend to
wear fast forward, Bree was getting claustrophobia, and hear what
she does at there, She had about a two year
period she ready thing it could go away, but sometimes
she just needed to explore and she wanted to see
this new apartment up the street and I say, and
I was just like, I don't want to see it.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
We're not moving, We're not moving, We're not moving, We're not.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Wait, we gotta give, we gotta give a little tippet.
Because also I was basically asking us to more than
double our rent. Yes, so it wasn't just like a
more extensive it was more than double our current rent.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
But then you know, I was like no, no, no,
no no. But then I started to think about like
how things went the last time, and I was like,
I don't want to go through that again. So this
time around, After a while, I was like, all right,
I'll go. And then in my mind I was just opening,
being more open to just be like, all right, you know,
I'm gonna see what it is.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
I know what we can do.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
I know that if my wife isn't happy the house
is rocking, it's not good in a good space. I
don't think it's the best financial decision for us right now,
but I'll have an open mind. So we went to
tour the apartment that BRE wanted to see. It was
more bedrooms, it gave us the balcony, all the things
that I wanted in a place too, And at that time,
(18:07):
I didn't think it was the best decision, but I
just told her. I was like, you can fill out
the application.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
If you more liked the apartment, yeah I would. I mean,
of course I liked it.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
The goal wasn't It wasn't about like it was about
financial sitution.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
He was like, he's like, all right, yeah, just give him,
give him my carpet, the depositive. I was like, whoa,
WHOA were we going to talk about this?
Speaker 3 (18:26):
I did that.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
I did that because that's what she wanted. It wasn't
a decision. I came mentally to be like, all right,
if this is what she wants, we can work this
in a way that it won't affect us in the
long term, even though this is not the strategy that
I would want to take. But I didn't feel like
it was the best financial decision for us right now
and what we were trying to ultimately do. But fast
forward is that when I actually trusted her and gave
(18:50):
her the opportunity to really make the decision for us
and if it was best for us, reevaluated everything and
she was like, actually, you know what, it doesn't make
sense where we are.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
It works for right now.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
Even if we had a kid, it still could work,
you know, doubling our rent as we're trying this out
and doing this with the businesses doesn't make sense. So
it was like two contrasts. The first one, I'm trying
to Micromanic, you can't do this, you can't do that,
you can't do this, you can't do that. And it
resulted in like this huge argument. Well, she still trusted me,
but it resulted in a very heated argument over weeks
(19:24):
versus this time, I just trusted her, especially because we
said in this tip, it's showing that you're trustworthy. She
showed me that she is trustworthy and I could trust
her with these things. I just let her go through
her process and then she came back to me and
was like, yeah, it doesn't make sense. No argument happened
at all. So it was just like that was the
growth from back then to now.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
I was very proud of myself.
Speaker 3 (19:48):
You were.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
I was like, babe, you're so sweet that you were
going to go through this. But I was like, I
don't think it makes sense, and he was just like
oh really, Like yeah, and yeah that was a proud
moment of mind.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
So the takeaway from that is like sometimes your heat
of arguments that you're having could be justified in what
you're saying. But if you get to a point to
where you can become more trustworthy to your person, then
it could result in better conversations for you guys. Because
one thing you always have to understand, and we've talked
about this in the video before, is that every single
(20:26):
action that you take is building a house or is
building is a brick that's building the house for your relationship. Right,
so when storms come, if every time a storm comes
your house gets blown down, you need to start to
think like is it the storm or is it what
the house is made out of? And that's the issue
a lot of times is that, like every day, we're
(20:48):
not doing things to put ourselves in the best position
to trust the other person, to think of the other
person in the best light. So when a storm comes,
of course your house isn't gonna hold up because what
you were doing on a daily basis wasn't building a healthy,
stable environment. But if you build that healthy stable environment
for yourselves on a daily basis, the little storms you're
(21:09):
not even feeling it. You're like, oh, that was a
little something, but we're good. It's not even bothering us.
So that's one thing when it comes to trust, is
it's building that foundation in that house, that relationship house,
in your relationship so that when storms do come, you're
not blown away or infiltrated, infiltrated by the weather from
the outside, that no matter what happens, you guys can
(21:32):
withstand the storm.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Let's head over to tip number four, which is practicing
healthy communication.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
So this is one of my staples. If you listen
to me, if you listen to real love scenario, anything
I've said over the past like seven years, I've always
been adamant about healthy communication, and it's what and it's
explaining what healthy communication actually is, and it's effective communication.
And effective communication is the person receiving what you said.
(22:02):
If you if they didn't receive it, it wasn't communicated effectively.
And that was something that I had to learn I
think probably maybe even more than Brie, because I had
to make more adjustments for her than I think she
had to make for me. But like I said, my
communication style growing up we were very direct, we were
very open, but we were also very level headed in
(22:23):
how we communicate it. But with Brie, I had to
realize like I can't approach her immediately every single time
we're going through something. Brie is a very emotional person
in the sense that not like she can't control her emotions.
But I had a friend like this in college. Is
that when they're happy, they are happy. When they're sad,
(22:44):
they are sad. When they are angry, they are angry.
Brie would tell you she don't know the difference cond
of between me happy, angry.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Sad not sad.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
She's just like she's like, I think she's happy now,
maybe he said, I don't know, Like it's like certain
people are different, and my emotions are different, like if
you won't be it's hard to tell, like unless you
know me, Like, oh, this person's like Dre's really happy,
Dre's really sad, Dre's really angry, Dre stressed out.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
So I had to realize.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Like I had to learn her, learn, you know, when
to talk to her about things, what things to bring
to her, what things not to bring to her, what
tone to say it in, how to package it. These
are all the things when people say relationships are work,
what they mean. It's like, you have to learn your
person because if you want to communicate effectively, you have
to figure out the best time, the best way, the
(23:38):
best tone to give that message, or it's going to
result in a heated argument every single time, because it will.
It will get to a point to where you're not
even addressing the issue. You're more addressing the tone, or
you're more addressing how it was said, or you're more
addressing what was said in what manner versus actually what
(23:59):
you're trying to really figure out in.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
The first place.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Yeah, I want to talk about this example because it's funny.
We actually got a lot of shade for it in
like previous videos or social posts where I always say
that if dre ever has something that he needs to
like talk to me about that is, you know, gonna
emotional or it's hard or tough like that, he always
(24:23):
makes sure to have it over food. So like he'll
be like, let's go to dinner. Yeah, anytime we've had
to have real difficult conversations, it's like, let's go to
dinner and he talks to me over food, And people
would say things like that is ridiculous that like the
only way your husband can talk to you about difficult
things is over food, And it's like, first of all, yeah,
don't know me. Second of all, the reason why that
(24:46):
is the case is because naturally, on a day to
day basis, with the line of work that we both
were doing at that time where we said that that
was how we went about things, is that I had
team members who are counting on me. I had friends
and family who were counting on me. I had clients
who were counting on me. I was dealing with so
many other people's things on a daily basis that if
(25:08):
I'm in the midst of doing that and you just
start talking to me about something, I'm not in a
headspace to give you the time, the dedication, the understanding
that you need for me to be able to effectively communicate.
And so if you know that, and then if you know,
on top of it, the past issues I've had with anger,
and if you know that I'm an emotional person, there's
(25:30):
one thing that always calms me down. It makes me
feel good, and it is a good hot meal for mistake.
And so the setting of being at dinner where it's
like maybe I have a nice beverage and then I
have this meal and it's an ambiance and it's just
me and you and I'm not thinking about work, and
I'm not thinking about everyone else. I am in a
much better headspace to receive and talk about whatever it
(25:52):
is that we need to talk about. And I don't
think there's anything wrong with that. That's me knowing myself
communicating what makes sense for me, and then him meeting that.
That was really when you realize that that like, we've
had way less arguments because I'm just in a much
better space to receive and talk about whatever.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
So, yeah, it's about disarming and that's not just a
relationship thing. That's a business thing. Is that if you
want to communicate something to somebody but you don't want
their defenses up, you need to get them in an
environment that is disarming, that they don't feel, you know, uncomfortable,
that they don't feel like stressed, stressed or they're being interrogated.
You get them in a place where they feel comfortable.
(26:30):
And to be clear, it's not every single disagreement that
we have I got to feed her to talk to
her about it. It's just about things that are really
you know, critical, and things that I feel like are
something that needs to be addressed.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
And these things aren't like these are things.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
That take time to investigate and evaluate anyway. That's why
I don't want you to or when I say, you know,
have effective communication, we don't want you to talk about
these things immediately before you had a chance to really
deep dive and think about it. Like a lot of
things that you want to address that you feel like
are a big deal. You need to think about how
(27:10):
you want to craft it, how you want to say it.
You need to investigate if the thing that you want
to address is really true, or if there's a different element,
if there's a part that you played in it. Like
all these things you need to figure out, and you're
not gonna do that in the moment while you're feeling emotional.
You need to figure those things out and then find
a time to where the person isn't guns blazing, armor up,
(27:31):
feeling like they're being attacked.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
You get.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
You need to find a place to where they feel
good about it. And for Brie that's food, but for
other people in your life it might be a different thing.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
It might be a walk.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
Like, yeah, I like taking walks and that's relaxing for me,
but we can't take it for Like one thing that
Bria said, which I think is so important, is that
everybody has their own things going on, even if they
don't express it out loud. So I think it's unfair
to bring heavy things to a person just sporadically without
(28:06):
any notice or without like any you know, heads up
that you want to talk to them about something serious
because you don't know where they are. They could have
been struggling with something will work, They could learning from being,
you know, with a woman and dealing with my wife.
It's like, sometimes it could just be looking in the
mirror not liking something, and your head space is in
the place, and then you bring it up and they
attacking you not because of even what you said, but
(28:28):
because of where they are, because they saw something they
didn't like, or they noticed something they didn't like about theirselfs.
So it's like, just make sure that when you're trying
to communicate that you're focusing on it being effective, not
being right, not being open, not being honest, which those
can all be elements of effective communication. But what is
(28:49):
the way that this person can receive what I'm saying
without it getting heated or then being super defensive.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
And that takes us to number five, which is take
a breath and give it some time. So We had
talked about this a little earlier, where Dreya is the
type of person where he just wants to talk immediately.
I needed time. But this tip is also in regard
to it being like a problem and it being something
that you communicate and then you have to give grace
(29:19):
and time for that thing to be solved. And so
I'm going to give a good example. When drey and
I first started living together, he just had this thing
where he just loved having his drawers on the ground
and I'm like, pick up your underwear, put them in
the hamperwear. This was yeah, I said, draws, right, draws,
draws raw draws. I said, right, okay, anyways his underwear.
(29:42):
So he like would take a shower, and no matter
how many times I would say, like, put your underwear
in the hamper, like, I would always have to pick
them up. And so when we had like a little
discussion about our roles in the house, the things that
we talked about was like just picking up after each other.
Like so keeping your space, seing your things clean will
make things a lot easier on both ends. And it
(30:04):
didn't just happen overnight. He still had his underwear on
the ground for weeks until it was a thing where
I started noticing like, oh, I don't see any underwear,
Like this is awesome, But imagine how that small problem
if I saw his underwear on the ground the next day,
if I was like down his throat about it, Like,
that's not how you solve a problem. It takes time.
(30:25):
You have to be calm as you're working through these things.
And it's funny because now we've been together seven years
and Dre sometimes is cleaner than I am, Like he
has all of his things properly organized, Like he was
not an organized guy before I met him. But it's
like just through being with me and like us creating
systems and ways to keep things organized. Like he is
(30:46):
a super clean and organized person. And we don't really
bicker or argue about anything being on the floor anymore
because it just doesn't happen because we gave it time
to work through it and it become a habit. So
there's this thing that Drey always says, like, you know,
if you tell me that there's a problem, it's not
gonna be fixed overnight. It's gonna take time. What's the
example that you used in one of our other videos
(31:08):
was really good.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
I cannot remember.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
But I just one thing I always say is just
it just it really takes time. Like if you tell
me something, typically, if you're bringing something up to me
in a moment, it's because I habitually do it. So
if I habitually do something and I've learned it all
my life, that's how I was raised, or that's something
that I learned through the different environments that I grew
up in, it's gonna take time for me to stop
(31:34):
doing those things. So guess what when you bring it
up to me and ask me to stop doing it,
if I acknowledge it and say like, yeah, you're right,
I'm gonna try to be better, I'm gonna do it again,
and I'm gonna do it again. And I'm gonna do
it again and I'm gonna do it again because I'm
at a point to where I'm trying to wean off
of this thing that I've been doing for such a
long time. So the thing is that you have to
give me that grace. But if you every time I
(31:55):
do something wrong, you keep bringing it up and keep down,
keep you know, pushing it down my neck as you're
not getting it right, that's not going to solve anything,
you know what I mean. So you have to understand
that I just need time, I need grace. And then
also when I do it right, don't just ignore it
like it's not a big deal, prazy. Don't just be like, oh,
(32:16):
you're supposed to do that anyway. It's like, this is
something I struggle with. You have things that I think
are simple that you struggle with too, right, So it's
like there are things that I'm like, oh, you should
be doing that, but you have a you know, we
have problems trying to do it. So we need to
celebrate each other when we are in those moments to
where somebody's struggling with something and they do those things
(32:37):
even if we feel like it's.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
Not that big of a deal.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
And the main thing, and the main reason why this
is important too, and be kind of brought this up,
is that it's all a boomerang effect. Like typically, how
you act to your person is what they're going to
give back to you. If you're going to be super
critical of every little thing that they're doing in the relationship,
guess what they're going to do back to you. They're
going to be super critical right back to you and
(32:59):
be what they say, stay petty, so you ain't gotta
get petty. They gonna be petty back to you if
you keep being petti back to them. But guess what,
if you give them grace and moments, they'll give you
grace and moments. So it's like, it's this thing in
relationships that you can try to micromanage and be this
person that's on somebody's butt twenty four to seven all
the time. But that's gonna lead to more heated arguments
(33:19):
because they're gonna give you that right back at you.
And then guess what, that tone isn't gonna be pleasant
though how they're gonna say it isn't gonna be pleasant.
You're gonna start to maybe feel distanced because they feel
like every time they do something it's a nagging and
all that stuff like that. So it's gonna become a
larger issue in your relationship. But if you give grace
to people in your relationship, if you give time, let
(33:40):
things breathe and understand, which is something that I had
to understand that rarely are there huge emergencies or things
that are that big of a deal that need to
be addressed immediately in the moment in your relationship. Typically,
most things can wait. They can wait for you to
take a breath. They can wait for them to take
a breath. They could wait for you to you know,
(34:00):
research it, investigate, really get your feelings together to then
present it. There are it's rare when there are things
that in that moment you have to address it. That
doesn't happen often, So you just have to remember, like
we said, to take a breath and just relax and
give things time. If you love that person, they love you.
They acknowledge that there are things that they need to
(34:22):
work on. You acknowledge the things that you need to
work on. Then you know over time those things can
get better. Like if I told people that you know,
some of the things we dealt with in the beginning
of our relationship that they will come full circle six
and a half years later, people will be looking like,
I gotta wait six and a half.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
Years for that to happen.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
But it's like it's gradually gotten better over time, And
as long as I saw that progress and pre seize
the progress in me, then we're happy with that because
we know we're moving in the right direction.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
So we hope you found these tips helpful. Make sure
to like the video, and y'all please subscribe. We were
trying to grow subscribers would beat everything does. Let's just
subscribe and don't forget to check out the Relationship Restored
community at relationship restore dot com backslash community. It is
for singles and it is for couples. You can come
over there, get resources, connection events, all the things dre
(35:16):
Bree and Relationship restored. So thanks for watching.
Speaker 3 (35:19):
Thanks for watching.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
Make sure to tune into all of our other videos
and a Relationship Restored channel. We got Bri and I.
Brie has her own separate things she's gonna be doing.
We got vlogs that we're gonna be doing, and we
also have Real Lost Scenario with me and Ronda. We
have like for the girls, some of the old podcasts
that we have on the channel. So make sure to
check all the videos out. They'll be very helpful for you,
and like say, join the community and subscribe, you know,
(35:40):
let's do it.
What's up if you're new here. Wordre and Brice Smith
we have been together for seven years. We waited for
four before marriage, we've been married for three and now
we have an amazing relationship and we started relationship restored
in order to share our advice on how to have
a happy, healthy relationship. So if you love our content,
make sure to subscribe, and if you want to join
our community, head over to relationship restored dot com backslash
(00:22):
community for singles and couples.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
So today we are answering a question that somebody have
for us, which was how do you avoid heated.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Arguments in your relationship?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Because we've dealt with this a lot early on, so
we want to share our tips with you guys, and
we have five tips that we want to give you
all to not have heated arguments anymore. But if you
want to write in and ask us any questions, make
sure to go to relationship restore dot com backslash Dismith
and there'll be an opportunity there to write in.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
So our first tip is working on yourself.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
And I do want to say this because obviously the
person with the anger issues in every relationship, there's normally
someone who is a little bit more aggressive, hot headed,
and uh, you know, they just a little spicy spicy.
So although it was definitely like a me having to
work on myself, it is a two person job, right,
Like there were things that Dre needed to work on
(01:15):
in order to support me and me working on me
so that we could get to this space. So I
just want to talk about a few things that I
did personally that really made a big difference, and then
we'll talk about what I asked of you in order
to support me in that, and we'll.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Talk about the things that I worked on as well.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Yeah. Yeah, So the first thing that I did was
I really had work on anger. I'm like, what did
I really even do for anger? I think the first
thing was that I said, when something is happening and
I'm in the moment and I'm heated, like stop talking
to me. I need to just be left alone, Like
give me a moment to think and calm down, because
(01:53):
if we're in the moment, I don't care what you're
talking about, I'm going to win the argument, like saying
mean things like so I really had to work on
taking time to reflect on what I was even mad about.
And then remind myself that we are on the same
team and that neither of us want to argue, right,
So I would have to really look at, Okay, what
is the issue, what am I upset at? And then
(02:13):
how do I properly communicate with Dre for him to
know why I'm upset?
Speaker 3 (02:18):
Right?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
So that was like tip number one. The second thing,
which I think was the biggest game changer, was looking
at past relationships. So I had had very toxic relationships
where I just thought from a very young age, like
even just growing up and seeing like the way that
my mom would be with like men that she dated,
like there was there was arguing a lot, and to me,
(02:42):
I just thought that was normal. And as I got
older and as I got into more toxic relationships, I
thought that if someone didn't argue with me in the
way that I saw like growing up and being in
again those toxic relationships, then you don't care about me.
So if I would come to Dre and I'm like, oh,
I fell away, and he's just like okay, like first.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Calm down, I love you, and I'm like, no, what
are you talking about? Like you don't care?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
So I really had this like toxic trait of thinking
that if someone didn't yell and argue at me, that
they didn't love me. So that is where therapy comes
into play and where I really was able to peel
back the layers into what I thought was a relationship
versus what a healthy relationship actually was. So let's talk
about you.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Know, no, that's so real, because I feel like a
lot of times you don't think. You always think that
if there is two like people with anger issues, that
that's the worst case scenario for like a really toxic situation,
but sometimes it could be a little bit worse if
one person is really angry and the other person's really calm,
(03:47):
because that calm person could tick off the angry person
even more being so.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Calm he got, the more pissed off I was.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
For sure, it was so funny. I could not understand it.
But earlier on our really that was definitely a thing.
But what Bria said is definitely real because we always
talk about that in relationship, you can only control yourself.
You can influence another person to try to do something,
but ultimately you are the only person that you can control,
and sometimes we don't take into account how the things
(04:17):
that we do impact the overall relationship. Yeah, the other
person may have their issues and things they need to
work on, but there are things that you could do
that can help the situation or make it worse. So
it's important to start with ourselves. So bre pointing out
some points, I think for me, there's two things that
come to mind. Is you first have to they kind
of mesh in to one another, honestly, is looking at
(04:40):
your own insecurities and your own ego sometimes because I
think that could lead to a lot of arguments Bria
talked about before, like the wanting to be right or
not wanting to be told what to do by somebody else.
Like that can play a part in heated arguments because
what the person could be saying could make sense. It
could be a criticism of you that's fair and that's
(05:03):
really thought out and something that makes sense based off
of their experience with you. But if you let your
ego get in away, or you don't address the insecurities
that you have, it can lead to something bigger and
it's really not justified. It's more of you just lashing
out and kind of being either embarrassed or feeling some
type of way about what they said to where it
(05:23):
has really nothing to do with what they did or
what they said, but.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
More about your own feeling about yourself.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
So it's important just in general, before you go into
anything in a relationship, whether it is talking about heated arguments,
any type of communication, to look at yourself first and
figure out is there things that I need to work on?
Is there things that I could do to contribute to
a more healthy environment for communication and getting problems solved
(05:50):
within our relationship.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Yeah. It's funny because I feel like, you know, I
watch a lot of dating shows.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Too many where you will watch a dating show. She's
watched like four dating shows in different languages, and I
come in and I'm like, they're like talking.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
I'm like, what are you watching?
Speaker 2 (06:10):
And she's like, Oh, this is what I was blind
Brazil or this is how to get a man a
Turkey or I don't know, Germany or something like that,
and I'd be like, what, So she watched a lot
of dating shows, Yes she does.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
But the number one thing I always hear people say
on these shows and in real life is like, I
just want to find someone who will make me better.
And it's like, do you Because most of the time
and someone's trying to tell you about yourself, you become defensive.
So it's that element of it where it's like taking
that pride and putting it aside allows you to really
look at yourself and then if you love and trust
(06:47):
the person, you should know that what they're telling you
is only for you, know, your betterment. So yeah, I
think that for me, I came into the relationship being like, hey,
I know I have a lot of stuff going on,
and my bags are kind of full and I need
some help unpacking. So in the midst of all this, like,
I just want you to know that, like I want
(07:07):
a healthy relationship.
Speaker 3 (07:09):
I do.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
I'm just a little toxic, so you're gonna have to
give me some time. But it helped because knowing that
that was the foundation of everything. Drey always knew if
he just stepped away and gave me some time, I
would come back with a level head. But that was
one of the things I asked of him, was like,
don't do that, Like, if you see I'm feeling a way,
don't like pick and pry and poke at whatever the
(07:31):
thing is. Don't try to get me to talk about
it if I'm not ready to talk about it. So
my kind of like rule of thumb was like, you know,
a couple hours, we always would still pretty much talk
same day, but it would be like just back up
and let me come to you. You know.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Yeah, I wasn't good at that because I grew up
in a completely different way to where me and my
parents talked about things all the time.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
You know that from knowing my parents.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
It's like open communication address things, but we did it
in a respectful way that it was never anything that
was like contentious. So me addressing an issue to her,
I was like, it's not that big of a deal,
Like why is I had to get to this point.
But then when it comes to somebody trying to win,
which is said you have to figure out why you
have that thing within yourself, then it can get into
less about what you even talked about and more about
(08:16):
like how you're addressing me, because how many arguments have
we all been in? And this is what we mean
by heat the arguments, by the way, is not like
somebody cheat on you, because that blow up is kind
of justified right in your relationship, like you shouldn't do that.
Somebody stealing money out of account, like those things are
justified it's those arguments to where you look back and
be like, I don't even know. I remember our reaction
(08:38):
and what the fallout was, but I don't even remember
what we were actually arguing about, cause it probably wasn't
that big of a deal. So remember and keep that
in mind, all right, So let's go to tip number two.
So Tip number two is taking down your defenses. So
this is a big thing in relationships that we all
deal with, and we had talked about it in the
first tip, which is sometimes you attack the person or
(09:00):
you're trying to win as if you're on separate teams
and it's like you're all on the same team, and
the approach that you're going to take with somebody who's
the ops and your enemy versus somebody who's on your team,
it's two different things. And I know it sounds like
common sense. Yeah, we're on the same team, but when
emotions start getting involved, typically we do not act that way.
(09:22):
If somebody gives us criticism, sometimes we're coming at them
like they're trying to rain on our parade. You don't
know how many times early in our relationship, I was
called like a party pooper, I'm trying to rain on
your parade. I just don't want you to live. You
work so hard. I work so hard, and you just
don't want me to enjoy the things I work so
hard for, Like all these things, Like sometimes I was
(09:43):
positioned as the enemy in the relationship, So then it
made it hard for us to have really constructive conversations.
And then every little thing that I would do sometimes
even if it was like a smirk or a laugh,
it's like, why you laugh like that, I'm seeing as
not being a part of trying to help you be successful.
I'm seeing as being the person opposing that. So then
(10:05):
that led into arguments that probably aren't that big of
a deal that if we address them today, we have
so many moments to where we look back and be like, man,
if this is us like six years ago, this would
have been like a different a different conversation, but we
can We're just in a much better place. And I
think what led to that is just taking down the defense.
(10:25):
It's like we are on the same team, and a
big part of that, before I throw it de Breee,
is just trust. It's like I didn't realize how important
trust is in a relationship, and the elements of trust
in a relationship. So again sounds obvious, right, but I
think a lot of times in relationships when we think
about trust, we think about somebody not cheating on us,
or somebody you know, doing the things to say they're
(10:47):
going to do. But there are other elements of trust
within a relationship that help you build a healthy foundation
for your relationship. So it's things even like I mentioned,
somebody doing what they say they're going to do, but
also trusting somebody with making decisions that you feel like
would be best for you all as a unit. That
was something that I really struggled with that I didn't
(11:09):
I trust a breed that she wouldn't cheat on me
and do all that other stuff, But when it came
to making decisions that she wanted to make and if
she would keep in mind how it would affect us
and our future, I had real trust issues with her
for a long time and believing that she would make
the best decision for us. So then anytime she would
present anything, I would always give pushback, even the smallest thing.
(11:32):
If it's like spending twenty five dollars over budget or
one hundred dollars over budget, like it would become this
heated argument because I didn't trust that we were on
the same team, had the same goals, had the same
mindset on how we wanted to achieve it.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
So then it led to a lot of different issues.
Would you agree with that, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
So that's actually took Number three is trust. Building trust
in your relationship obviously is a big game changer. So
I can give an example of how I took the
narrative that he just shared and flipped it on its head.
So at the beginning of our relationship, I he had
no record of any reasons to trust me from a
(12:13):
financial standpoint, because I made money, I spent money, I
did really dumb things with money. I was kind of
one of those people where it's like, what's the worst
that can happen? You know, It's like, yeah, I take
it day by day. I wasn't thinking of my future.
I just wanted to enjoy the moment, have a good time,
live my best life. So Dre had multiple times had
(12:33):
to bail me out of situations where that, you know,
created more of the trust issues of like, see this
is what I mean. But with all of those things
that had happened, he always gave me grace. He always
explained like why he was disappointed, But it was never
like something he held over my head, and it was like,
this is what you know you could do in the
(12:55):
future to not be in the situation. And so it
really probably we took like at least a year to
two years of me showing consistently every month for a
while that I can maintain a budget, and it got
to a point where me ANDROI actually started to flip
flop because I had gotten so budget conscious of like
(13:18):
I mean anything, like I'm like, oh, I don't know
if I'm gonna go to this brunch because you know,
when you're with a big group of people, you know,
if I buy something that's like thirty bucks, my tab
can end up being one hundred and fifty just because
everyone else is drinking and splitting and you know. And
he would just be like, it's okay, go to the brunch.
We have money, It's fine. But I had gotten really
strict with like money, because I started to receive the
(13:40):
reward of what it looks like to live in a
way where you budget. And I always thought a budget
would make me feel restricted, but it did the opposite.
It made me feel free to spend in the way
that we planned to, so I really enjoyed that. Well,
we had a situation where, you know, our first apartment
we were in a studio. How many square feet.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Five hundred and fifty two square feet.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Now, when we think about it, we're like, how do
we do that for that long? How long do we
live there? Two three years?
Speaker 3 (14:10):
Maybe two years?
Speaker 2 (14:11):
Luckily that apartment had like a door that went straight outside.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
I think we didn't have that. It would have been
really hard, so we could easily like just kind of
in and out walk outside, in and.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Out, had high ceilings. It was nice too, but it
was it was tiny, y'all, Like we had. It was
a studio apartment, so our living room, kitchen, dining, living
space was like this. Then we had a bedroom, we
had a bathroom that was our entire space, and like
a tiny little hallway. Actually, when we first started our
YouTube channel.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
We were if we go back to our first videos,
it's in that hallway and get the facts right, and
that was Yeah, that was the only way to have
any separation from where we were to anything behind us.
But that was a place that I had got before
I met Brie, and then she ended up moving in.
So that's why it was somewhat of like a bachelor
pad at the time.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Yeah, it was rough. So it got to a point
where I was like begging Dre for us to move.
I was like, this is ridiculous. I am putting like
shoes in kitchen cabinets because we have literally no space.
I'm sick of living this way. We can afford more.
I want to move and he wanted to stay and
save for a little longer. And we had gotten into
(15:20):
this big argument to the point where we had to
go to an emergency therapy session and talk it through.
And it basically I was at a point where I
was like, I'm willing to break up with you if
that means I can move and live somewhere else.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
And I was the same way.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
I was like, oh yeah we were I was total right,
he was total left. We were like what are we
going to do? So basically it ended with me deciding
to trust him.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
I cried.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
I was very like frustrated. I was so mad at him.
I was like, okay, whatever, I'm going to trust you.
How many months went by before we moved here, It.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Was maybe like six months, but I were build to you,
like I think three months in that we're getting this spot.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Yeah, and it again it just goes back to like
he knows what I want, he knows what makes me happy,
he knows what is best for us. But there's a
way to go about it. Had we have up and
just moved right then and there, it wouldn't have made sense.
And we're not going to go into details about our
living situation what had happened, But ultimately it makes sense.
It was yeah, divine timing, like everything worked out so perfectly.
(16:26):
It was really really crazy.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
So let me add to that too. And we're still
playing dividends for that decision right now. But I want
to contrast it with a earlier story, like during that
time we it may have been like a three four month,
i mean four week like period to where we were
just kind of rocky, like I had went to stay
with my parents because I just needed space to think
(16:50):
and try to figure things out for the weekend to
wear fast forward, Bree was getting claustrophobia, and hear what
she does at there, She had about a two year
period she ready thing it could go away, but sometimes
she just needed to explore and she wanted to see
this new apartment up the street and I say, and
I was just like, I don't want to see it.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
We're not moving, We're not moving, We're not moving, We're not.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Wait, we gotta give, we gotta give a little tippet.
Because also I was basically asking us to more than
double our rent. Yes, so it wasn't just like a
more extensive it was more than double our current rent.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
But then you know, I was like no, no, no,
no no. But then I started to think about like
how things went the last time, and I was like,
I don't want to go through that again. So this
time around, After a while, I was like, all right,
I'll go. And then in my mind I was just opening,
being more open to just be like, all right, you know,
I'm gonna see what it is.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
I know what we can do.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
I know that if my wife isn't happy the house
is rocking, it's not good in a good space. I
don't think it's the best financial decision for us right now,
but I'll have an open mind. So we went to
tour the apartment that BRE wanted to see. It was
more bedrooms, it gave us the balcony, all the things
that I wanted in a place too, And at that time,
(18:07):
I didn't think it was the best decision, but I
just told her. I was like, you can fill out
the application.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
If you more liked the apartment, yeah I would. I mean,
of course I liked it.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
The goal wasn't It wasn't about like it was about
financial sitution.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
He was like, he's like, all right, yeah, just give him,
give him my carpet, the depositive. I was like, whoa,
WHOA were we going to talk about this?
Speaker 3 (18:26):
I did that.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
I did that because that's what she wanted. It wasn't
a decision. I came mentally to be like, all right,
if this is what she wants, we can work this
in a way that it won't affect us in the
long term, even though this is not the strategy that
I would want to take. But I didn't feel like
it was the best financial decision for us right now
and what we were trying to ultimately do. But fast
forward is that when I actually trusted her and gave
(18:50):
her the opportunity to really make the decision for us
and if it was best for us, reevaluated everything and
she was like, actually, you know what, it doesn't make
sense where we are.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
It works for right now.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
Even if we had a kid, it still could work,
you know, doubling our rent as we're trying this out
and doing this with the businesses doesn't make sense. So
it was like two contrasts. The first one, I'm trying
to Micromanic, you can't do this, you can't do that,
you can't do this, you can't do that. And it
resulted in like this huge argument. Well, she still trusted me,
but it resulted in a very heated argument over weeks
(19:24):
versus this time, I just trusted her, especially because we
said in this tip, it's showing that you're trustworthy. She
showed me that she is trustworthy and I could trust
her with these things. I just let her go through
her process and then she came back to me and
was like, yeah, it doesn't make sense. No argument happened
at all. So it was just like that was the
growth from back then to now.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
I was very proud of myself.
Speaker 3 (19:48):
You were.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
I was like, babe, you're so sweet that you were
going to go through this. But I was like, I
don't think it makes sense, and he was just like
oh really, Like yeah, and yeah that was a proud
moment of mind.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
So the takeaway from that is like sometimes your heat
of arguments that you're having could be justified in what
you're saying. But if you get to a point to
where you can become more trustworthy to your person, then
it could result in better conversations for you guys. Because
one thing you always have to understand, and we've talked
about this in the video before, is that every single
(20:26):
action that you take is building a house or is
building is a brick that's building the house for your relationship. Right,
so when storms come, if every time a storm comes
your house gets blown down, you need to start to
think like is it the storm or is it what
the house is made out of? And that's the issue
a lot of times is that, like every day, we're
(20:48):
not doing things to put ourselves in the best position
to trust the other person, to think of the other
person in the best light. So when a storm comes,
of course your house isn't gonna hold up because what
you were doing on a daily basis wasn't building a healthy,
stable environment. But if you build that healthy stable environment
for yourselves on a daily basis, the little storms you're
(21:09):
not even feeling it. You're like, oh, that was a
little something, but we're good. It's not even bothering us.
So that's one thing when it comes to trust, is
it's building that foundation in that house, that relationship house,
in your relationship so that when storms do come, you're
not blown away or infiltrated, infiltrated by the weather from
the outside, that no matter what happens, you guys can
(21:32):
withstand the storm.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Let's head over to tip number four, which is practicing
healthy communication.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
So this is one of my staples. If you listen
to me, if you listen to real love scenario, anything
I've said over the past like seven years, I've always
been adamant about healthy communication, and it's what and it's
explaining what healthy communication actually is, and it's effective communication.
And effective communication is the person receiving what you said.
(22:02):
If you if they didn't receive it, it wasn't communicated effectively.
And that was something that I had to learn I
think probably maybe even more than Brie, because I had
to make more adjustments for her than I think she
had to make for me. But like I said, my
communication style growing up we were very direct, we were
very open, but we were also very level headed in
(22:23):
how we communicate it. But with Brie, I had to
realize like I can't approach her immediately every single time
we're going through something. Brie is a very emotional person
in the sense that not like she can't control her emotions.
But I had a friend like this in college. Is
that when they're happy, they are happy. When they're sad,
(22:44):
they are sad. When they are angry, they are angry.
Brie would tell you she don't know the difference cond
of between me happy, angry.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Sad not sad.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
She's just like she's like, I think she's happy now,
maybe he said, I don't know, Like it's like certain
people are different, and my emotions are different, like if
you won't be it's hard to tell, like unless you
know me, Like, oh, this person's like Dre's really happy,
Dre's really sad, Dre's really angry, Dre stressed out.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
So I had to realize.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Like I had to learn her, learn, you know, when
to talk to her about things, what things to bring
to her, what things not to bring to her, what
tone to say it in, how to package it. These
are all the things when people say relationships are work,
what they mean. It's like, you have to learn your
person because if you want to communicate effectively, you have
to figure out the best time, the best way, the
(23:38):
best tone to give that message, or it's going to
result in a heated argument every single time, because it will.
It will get to a point to where you're not
even addressing the issue. You're more addressing the tone, or
you're more addressing how it was said, or you're more
addressing what was said in what manner versus actually what
(23:59):
you're trying to really figure out in.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
The first place.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Yeah, I want to talk about this example because it's funny.
We actually got a lot of shade for it in
like previous videos or social posts where I always say
that if dre ever has something that he needs to
like talk to me about that is, you know, gonna
emotional or it's hard or tough like that, he always
(24:23):
makes sure to have it over food. So like he'll
be like, let's go to dinner. Yeah, anytime we've had
to have real difficult conversations, it's like, let's go to
dinner and he talks to me over food, And people
would say things like that is ridiculous that like the
only way your husband can talk to you about difficult
things is over food, And it's like, first of all, yeah,
don't know me. Second of all, the reason why that
(24:46):
is the case is because naturally, on a day to
day basis, with the line of work that we both
were doing at that time where we said that that
was how we went about things, is that I had
team members who are counting on me. I had friends
and family who were counting on me. I had clients
who were counting on me. I was dealing with so
many other people's things on a daily basis that if
(25:08):
I'm in the midst of doing that and you just
start talking to me about something, I'm not in a
headspace to give you the time, the dedication, the understanding
that you need for me to be able to effectively communicate.
And so if you know that, and then if you know,
on top of it, the past issues I've had with anger,
and if you know that I'm an emotional person, there's
(25:30):
one thing that always calms me down. It makes me
feel good, and it is a good hot meal for mistake.
And so the setting of being at dinner where it's
like maybe I have a nice beverage and then I
have this meal and it's an ambiance and it's just
me and you and I'm not thinking about work, and
I'm not thinking about everyone else. I am in a
much better headspace to receive and talk about whatever it
(25:52):
is that we need to talk about. And I don't
think there's anything wrong with that. That's me knowing myself
communicating what makes sense for me, and then him meeting that.
That was really when you realize that that like, we've
had way less arguments because I'm just in a much
better space to receive and talk about whatever.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
So, yeah, it's about disarming and that's not just a
relationship thing. That's a business thing. Is that if you
want to communicate something to somebody but you don't want
their defenses up, you need to get them in an
environment that is disarming, that they don't feel, you know, uncomfortable,
that they don't feel like stressed, stressed or they're being interrogated.
You get them in a place where they feel comfortable.
(26:30):
And to be clear, it's not every single disagreement that
we have I got to feed her to talk to
her about it. It's just about things that are really
you know, critical, and things that I feel like are
something that needs to be addressed.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
And these things aren't like these are things.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
That take time to investigate and evaluate anyway. That's why
I don't want you to or when I say, you know,
have effective communication, we don't want you to talk about
these things immediately before you had a chance to really
deep dive and think about it. Like a lot of
things that you want to address that you feel like
are a big deal. You need to think about how
(27:10):
you want to craft it, how you want to say it.
You need to investigate if the thing that you want
to address is really true, or if there's a different element,
if there's a part that you played in it. Like
all these things you need to figure out, and you're
not gonna do that in the moment while you're feeling emotional.
You need to figure those things out and then find
a time to where the person isn't guns blazing, armor up,
(27:31):
feeling like they're being attacked.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
You get.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
You need to find a place to where they feel
good about it. And for Brie that's food, but for
other people in your life it might be a different thing.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
It might be a walk.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
Like, yeah, I like taking walks and that's relaxing for me,
but we can't take it for Like one thing that
Bria said, which I think is so important, is that
everybody has their own things going on, even if they
don't express it out loud. So I think it's unfair
to bring heavy things to a person just sporadically without
(28:06):
any notice or without like any you know, heads up
that you want to talk to them about something serious
because you don't know where they are. They could have
been struggling with something will work, They could learning from being,
you know, with a woman and dealing with my wife.
It's like, sometimes it could just be looking in the
mirror not liking something, and your head space is in
the place, and then you bring it up and they
attacking you not because of even what you said, but
(28:28):
because of where they are, because they saw something they
didn't like, or they noticed something they didn't like about theirselfs.
So it's like, just make sure that when you're trying
to communicate that you're focusing on it being effective, not
being right, not being open, not being honest, which those
can all be elements of effective communication. But what is
(28:49):
the way that this person can receive what I'm saying
without it getting heated or then being super defensive.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
And that takes us to number five, which is take
a breath and give it some time. So We had
talked about this a little earlier, where Dreya is the
type of person where he just wants to talk immediately.
I needed time. But this tip is also in regard
to it being like a problem and it being something
that you communicate and then you have to give grace
(29:19):
and time for that thing to be solved. And so
I'm going to give a good example. When drey and
I first started living together, he just had this thing
where he just loved having his drawers on the ground
and I'm like, pick up your underwear, put them in
the hamperwear. This was yeah, I said, draws, right, draws,
draws raw draws. I said, right, okay, anyways his underwear.
(29:42):
So he like would take a shower, and no matter
how many times I would say, like, put your underwear
in the hamper, like, I would always have to pick
them up. And so when we had like a little
discussion about our roles in the house, the things that
we talked about was like just picking up after each other.
Like so keeping your space, seing your things clean will
make things a lot easier on both ends. And it
(30:04):
didn't just happen overnight. He still had his underwear on
the ground for weeks until it was a thing where
I started noticing like, oh, I don't see any underwear,
Like this is awesome, But imagine how that small problem
if I saw his underwear on the ground the next day,
if I was like down his throat about it, Like,
that's not how you solve a problem. It takes time.
(30:25):
You have to be calm as you're working through these things.
And it's funny because now we've been together seven years
and Dre sometimes is cleaner than I am, Like he
has all of his things properly organized, Like he was
not an organized guy before I met him. But it's
like just through being with me and like us creating
systems and ways to keep things organized. Like he is
(30:46):
a super clean and organized person. And we don't really
bicker or argue about anything being on the floor anymore
because it just doesn't happen because we gave it time
to work through it and it become a habit. So
there's this thing that Drey always says, like, you know,
if you tell me that there's a problem, it's not
gonna be fixed overnight. It's gonna take time. What's the
example that you used in one of our other videos
(31:08):
was really good.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
I cannot remember.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
But I just one thing I always say is just
it just it really takes time. Like if you tell
me something, typically, if you're bringing something up to me
in a moment, it's because I habitually do it. So
if I habitually do something and I've learned it all
my life, that's how I was raised, or that's something
that I learned through the different environments that I grew
up in, it's gonna take time for me to stop
(31:34):
doing those things. So guess what when you bring it
up to me and ask me to stop doing it,
if I acknowledge it and say like, yeah, you're right,
I'm gonna try to be better, I'm gonna do it again,
and I'm gonna do it again. And I'm gonna do
it again and I'm gonna do it again because I'm
at a point to where I'm trying to wean off
of this thing that I've been doing for such a
long time. So the thing is that you have to
give me that grace. But if you every time I
(31:55):
do something wrong, you keep bringing it up and keep down,
keep you know, pushing it down my neck as you're
not getting it right, that's not going to solve anything,
you know what I mean. So you have to understand
that I just need time, I need grace. And then
also when I do it right, don't just ignore it
like it's not a big deal, prazy. Don't just be like, oh,
(32:16):
you're supposed to do that anyway. It's like, this is
something I struggle with. You have things that I think
are simple that you struggle with too, right, So it's
like there are things that I'm like, oh, you should
be doing that, but you have a you know, we
have problems trying to do it. So we need to
celebrate each other when we are in those moments to
where somebody's struggling with something and they do those things
(32:37):
even if we feel like it's.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
Not that big of a deal.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
And the main thing, and the main reason why this
is important too, and be kind of brought this up,
is that it's all a boomerang effect. Like typically, how
you act to your person is what they're going to
give back to you. If you're going to be super
critical of every little thing that they're doing in the relationship,
guess what they're going to do back to you. They're
going to be super critical right back to you and
(32:59):
be what they say, stay petty, so you ain't gotta
get petty. They gonna be petty back to you if
you keep being petti back to them. But guess what,
if you give them grace and moments, they'll give you
grace and moments. So it's like, it's this thing in
relationships that you can try to micromanage and be this
person that's on somebody's butt twenty four to seven all
the time. But that's gonna lead to more heated arguments
(33:19):
because they're gonna give you that right back at you.
And then guess what, that tone isn't gonna be pleasant
though how they're gonna say it isn't gonna be pleasant.
You're gonna start to maybe feel distanced because they feel
like every time they do something it's a nagging and
all that stuff like that. So it's gonna become a
larger issue in your relationship. But if you give grace
to people in your relationship, if you give time, let
(33:40):
things breathe and understand, which is something that I had
to understand that rarely are there huge emergencies or things
that are that big of a deal that need to
be addressed immediately in the moment in your relationship. Typically,
most things can wait. They can wait for you to
take a breath. They can wait for them to take
a breath. They could wait for you to you know,
(34:00):
research it, investigate, really get your feelings together to then
present it. There are it's rare when there are things
that in that moment you have to address it. That
doesn't happen often, So you just have to remember, like
we said, to take a breath and just relax and
give things time. If you love that person, they love you.
They acknowledge that there are things that they need to
(34:22):
work on. You acknowledge the things that you need to
work on. Then you know over time those things can
get better. Like if I told people that you know,
some of the things we dealt with in the beginning
of our relationship that they will come full circle six
and a half years later, people will be looking like,
I gotta wait six and a half.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
Years for that to happen.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
But it's like it's gradually gotten better over time, And
as long as I saw that progress and pre seize
the progress in me, then we're happy with that because
we know we're moving in the right direction.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
So we hope you found these tips helpful. Make sure
to like the video, and y'all please subscribe. We were
trying to grow subscribers would beat everything does. Let's just
subscribe and don't forget to check out the Relationship Restored
community at relationship restore dot com backslash community. It is
for singles and it is for couples. You can come
over there, get resources, connection events, all the things dre
(35:16):
Bree and Relationship restored. So thanks for watching.
Speaker 3 (35:19):
Thanks for watching.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
Make sure to tune into all of our other videos
and a Relationship Restored channel. We got Bri and I.
Brie has her own separate things she's gonna be doing.
We got vlogs that we're gonna be doing, and we
also have Real Lost Scenario with me and Ronda. We
have like for the girls, some of the old podcasts
that we have on the channel. So make sure to
check all the videos out. They'll be very helpful for you,
and like say, join the community and subscribe, you know,
(35:40):
let's do it.
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