How To Recover In Your Relationship When You Miss The Mark?

Welcome! In this episode, Dre & Bre Talk about How To Recover In Your Relationship When You Miss The Mark?

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey guys, it's every and wewaited three years to have sex andtal marriage.
Now that we're married, we're offeringour perspective on what it takes to
discover and sustain a relationship worth waitingfor. Welcome to the Worth the Wait
Podcast Last Zone Less See the BlessingsComing night, Less Zone Lessens the Blessings

(00:24):
Coming night. Welcome back to anotherepisode of The With the Weight podcast and
show. I'm Dre. That's mywife Brian. If you didn't know,
we're here to talk about a differenttopic today. So today's topic, we're
talking about how to recover in yourrelationship when you miss the mark. And
it's so funny that, like Briand I, although we have these topics

(00:48):
that we're discussing, I feel likewe know kind of what to do in
certain situations, but like all relationshipsand things, even if you know what
to do, still doing it isalways hard work to put it into practice.
So it's like, even things likethis we talked about, it was
like, man, we dealt withthis recently literally and we're still dealing with
this. But basically, what thismeans is that there are times in your

(01:11):
relationship to where you dropped the ball, or you missed the mark, or
you were supposed to do something andyou didn't do it, or you said
you were going to do something andyou didn't do it and you fell through
on it, And sometimes those canblow up relationships, but a lot of
times you can get through those things. So I think it's important to talk
about like what that looks like andhow to really push through those moments.

(01:34):
Do you want to start? Yes? Because as soon as I read it
and this is what you were referringto, I was like, Oh,
we literally just dealt with this causeI'm a princess slash brat and my birthdays
coming up, and we had asituation where I felt like what the heck
could ray? And the number onething that I thought of when I saw

(01:56):
this topic, and the number onething that Dre did when this situation happened
was take accountability. So I knowwithout a doubt that I never have an
issue with you being wrong, droppingthe ball, whatever, and vice versa,
as long as we take accountability andwe're like, dang, I'm sorry,
I see that. I recognize that, and then putting a plan in

(02:20):
action to make sure that it doesn'thappen again. And life happens and we
are not perfect being so of coursemistakes are gonna happen, and it's probably
not the last time that something similarto that will happen. But it's about
just knowing that, like we're onthe same page and it's like, hey,
this is what I prefer or youknow, if something like this happens
in the future, I would preferyou to do this or react in that

(02:43):
way. And then having like accountability, not just from saying I realize I
did this, but having accountability inthe plan and being like, this is
what we're going to do together tomake sure that something like this just hopefully
doesn't happen again. So the numberone word accountability, like take accountability when
you fall short, because that mattersso much. No, I completely agree,

(03:05):
And we had talked about this beforein a previous episode of just the
foundational expectations that you should have enteringinto a relationship, and I think that
dropping the ball you should expect thatthat will happen in your relationship. Yeah,
not only on your part, buton your partner's part. Like that
should just be an expectation. Andwhen it comes to those situations, it's

(03:28):
not about always dropping a ball.It's what we're talked about. How you
respond to it, how do youmake up for it? And another big
thing too that I think is crucialfor relationships to be successful is knowing the
person's heart. Like if you don'ttruly feel like you have a grasp of
the person that you're with their heartand who they truly are, then I

(03:50):
think you'll struggle in your relationship.But one of the things that helps us
get through things that are hard inour relationship or times where we do miss
the mark or drop the ball,is that I know the person that I'm
with. I know they did notintentionally try to hurt me or try to
make me sad or try to makeme angry or anything like that. So

(04:13):
I have to take that into accountwhen I'm looking at the whole situation,
I still need them to acknowledge,like, hey, I understand what you're
feeling. I understand my role init and how I played a part in
it, And this is what I'mgoing to hopefully do to try to be
better the next time something like thiscomes around. But like Brie said,
that accountability is so important, butwhen you know somebody's heart, it definitely

(04:38):
changes your perspective on how you approachthem and talk to them. This is
also important to know when someone dropsthe ball and you make it aware to
them, like, hey, thisis what you did or didn't do.
In most cases, the way thatthey react will show you how they care

(04:58):
about you, not just how theyreact in that moment, but the actions
that follow after it. And Ithink that we talked about this in the
last episode. There's a difference betweenliking someone and loving someone. Someone that
just likes you can drop the balland be like and you know, or
react in way where it's like yo, you tripping, or kind of playing
the blame game or making it youknow, your fault. That's the same

(05:23):
thing as playing the blame game.I don't know why I said that like
that, but yeah, it's like, you know, the way that someone
reacts, Like if I expressed toDre that something he did or didn't do
made me feel any way that isnot a good way, he will immediately
like try to understand why I feelhow I feel and react in way that

(05:45):
makes me feel that he cares,and then will take action that aligns with
that level of care. And youhave to pay attention to that. A
lot of men are out here.I'm not gonna say men, men and
women are out here dropping the balland then not do anything about it.
And that is a clear sign thatthat person doesn't genuinely care for you,
for sure. I think one ofthe biggest reasons that we do drop the

(06:08):
ball a lot of times. Onereason is forgetfulness. But another reason,
which is something that we have dealtwith often when we have had those moments,
is just a different a difference inperspective and how you view things and
what level of importance you give tosomething versus what the other person gives that
And I think that that's where droppingthe ball comes in line a lot.

(06:30):
So it's like if it was somethinglike, hey, I needed you to
pick this up from this store ordrop this off at this store. For
the person who you ask to doit, they may feel like, man,
if I do that tomorrow, it'snot that big with do But the
person who as you may feel like, no, I needed that today and
that means a lot to me.And that's just a small example. But
like Bria said, something like birthdays, some people, that means a lot.

(06:54):
Some people it doesn't. For holidays. Some people it means a lot,
some people it doesn't. Doing thingswith family for some people it may
mean a lot, for some peopleit doesn't. And that's how you get
in that thing of a lot oftimes dropping the ball because you don't associate
the same level of priority that theother person does. So it's important to
know your partner. And one ofthe biggest things, and one of the

(07:15):
most important things you need to havein a relationship is empathy. And I'll
read the definition of it just soeverybody knows. It's the ability to understand
and share the feelings of another person. So a lot of times you may
not agree with their way of thinking, but it's your responsibility to understand them,
at least to the point to whereyou can empathize with them and say

(07:38):
like, I'm sorry, I knowthat was important to you. I see
how that affected you. I'll tryto do better in the future, but
even in the meantime, hopefully Ican offer this solution, this solution,
this solution to make up for itin the moment right now, But the
next time that's come around, I'lltry to be better. But you have
to put yourself in the mindset oflike your person and really, you know,

(07:59):
have that feeling, try to getto where they're at so you can
truly have a better understanding of howthey feel. See And I think that
we do that with I know wedon't always do that, but my mom
did a great job of that withme as a child. Like she always
told people that whatever he's going throughis real to him, and that's I

(08:20):
think that's a great example because withchildren the issues that they normally have,
we be like, this is itlike somebody took the cheetos or like and
you balling out crying, acting likethe world about the end. But that's
it's like that in relationship sometimes thatwe think the person with our person,

(08:41):
we think what our person is goingthrough is like sometimes like what or if
they're mad about something, we're like, you're mad about that? But you
have to truly if they are showingthat they're passionate about it and they have
a strong feeling towards it, youneed to take it as something serious too,
because that means a lot to them. Yeah, and it's a thing

(09:01):
to have and to show if youweren't raised like that. And I think
that's one of the things that meand dre always and you know, I
think we always will. It'll alwaysbe a difference in like how we view
empathy or deal with empathy, Likehe has to remind me or tell me
to be empathetic, whereas for him, he's just naturally empathetic. And it's

(09:24):
because of how like his mom islike, oh this is real to him.
Let me, let me really figurethis out. I remember a story
where she was saying, I thinklike her and Pop were newly dating,
and she like brought you in andlike, had you state your case?
Yeah, Like what was it about? It was something like my mom did
that often. And I talked aboutthis in the last episode of Real Love

(09:45):
Scenario when we talked about my RealLove Scenario. My mom often if there
was something I wanted to express orsomething I thought was unfair, she would
just let me express myself and letme talk. And one thing Pop always
says, like, do you everrealize your my mother never changed her mind,
And I just thought and then andthen I just kept trying to state

(10:07):
my case. But it was justlike the ability to be able to express
myself and tell how I felt,tell my mom how I feel made me
feel like that she was listening tome, and that she hurt me.
Literally exactly what you just said pinpointswhy I struggle with empathy because my mom,
she would just let me do itwould always be like whatever I say

(10:28):
would be like, she's like fine, Like it's always like have your way,
Like so I know that the momentI say, well, that's dumb,
this doesn't make sense and I shouldbe able to do this, she'd
be like, fine, do it, and so in our relationship when I'm
like, that makes no sense,it's so stupid. I want to do
this thing like it's I grew upsince I could talk saying and doing that
like it or yes, it waseither that or my mom had having to

(10:54):
drag me out of whatever store itwas because I was kicking and screaming and
crying because I wanted a certain toyand I literally couldn't have the It was
either I got what I wanted orI got smacked up beside the head with
a brush because I was saying toomuch or doing too much or given attitude
or screaming, kicking and crying andshe's like, not gonna deal with it.
But it was never state your case, like you know, it was
like ah, and then she's likefine. So imagine when you come from

(11:18):
those two different extremes of growing upand then you're in a relationship. Andre's
all calm and poised and confident andcomfortable and whatever he's saying, and I'm
losing my shit and I'm like no. And it's just like you can't really
empathize with someone when all you knowis like, well, this is how
I feel, and I understand.And I love that word understand because it

(11:43):
has it really can have so manydifferent meanings, right, so when I'm
like I understand, but I don'tagree, or I understand but I don't
care, Like that's so messed upto say, But it's like my goal
is to just get my way,and even when I'm not trying to do
that, I'll notice after a conversationthat that five year old Brie is at

(12:07):
play right now, and like Ihave to rill it in. And that's
why at certain times, and forpeople like me who have grown up with
such extremes, sometimes we can't dealwith things right in that moment. We
have to be like, don't talkto me. I need a break,
Like I can't deal right now becauseI know that whatever I give you is
not going to be good, sothat you know, taking a pause is

(12:28):
sometimes needed because you have to basicallyfight your younger self and I gotta go
in the bedroom and be like,girl, your trip and this man loves
you. Get together. You needto care. Yeah, I think that
that is that's funny. I thinkthat that's just the overall thing when it
comes to relationships in general. Andit goes back to things we've said in
the past, Like I said,knowing somebody's heart and like you said,

(12:50):
having to have that self talk andbe like, this person loves you.
They didn't intentionally do this, andthat helps you get through those moments on
the other side, if you're theone who had an expectation and it was
not met. And I always tellpeople that as I learned this maybe a
year ago in our relationship, thatwe try to do these things to where

(13:16):
we would have these read a bookor watch a video and it'll give you
these like steps or instructions on whatto do when you're arguing, say things
like this word things like that.But what I realize is that once the
emotions start flowing, all that crapgoes out the window and the thing that
really helps you to get through thosemoments is everything else in your relationship is

(13:39):
having a strong foundation of your relationship. It's kind of almost like if you
stump or are in a storm witha bridge that's built out of bricks and
stone, when those storms comes likenothing waivers. But if you're on a
rickety bridge that's made of wood andstring, the moment a wind just blows,
it seems like everything blows up.So I realize in our relationship that

(14:03):
to get through the tough moments andto drop the ball moments, you have
to be consistent and show up injust the everyday life of things so that
when you do drop the ball theycan look at the totality of your behavior
and say, although this happened,I can see through all of this time
that I built with this person orbeen with this person, that they've shown

(14:24):
me, that they show up,that they've committed, and that even though
they did something that hurt me,it wasn't their intention. Yeah, and
this is the last thing I wantto say on the whole dropping the ball
thing. I feel it's really importantfor you to know your person and like
again, communication is everything. Youcan't just walk up to your person,
be like, yo, you dropthe ball again, or you know,
like give them that energy. Youhave to know how they receive criticism,

(14:48):
and you have to do it ina way and don't mention food or you
about to mention food. No no, no, no, okay, well
that's your way. I know.Okay, I just I saw you smile.
Okay, I just like your littlethug boys don't do that. People
don't drop the ball no more.Well again, this actually goes to the
point. I thought you were gonnamention the food thing. But dre knows
if he has to tell me somethingthat might be hard to hear, might

(15:11):
stress me out, might not makeme the happiest. Do it over a
meal, because it's hard to makeme mad when I'm eating food, or
like it's hard for my mood tobe jacked up because I am in heaven
when I'm eating. So again,you have to like know your person.
You can't just come at them ina way where they're immediately going to feel
attacked and become defensive, because thenwe're not going to get anywhere. And

(15:31):
now again the finger is going tobe turned around to the other person and
instead of the focus being on whathappened that made the scenario of dropping the
ball occur. You're now focused onthis argument that you're having just because of
the way that you addressed it.So I think that's really important. Yeah,
we all drop the ball. It'sgoing to happen. It's a part

(15:52):
of relationships. Just understand that,and it's all about how you respond.
Like Bri said, we take accountabilityand we find solutions and try to put
together a plan to make sure wedon't do that again. Yeah. Awesome.
So thank you for tuning in thisweek for the Worth the Wait Show,
podcasts, whatever you want to callit. Make sure to subscribe to

(16:15):
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