Dating Profile DO's and DON'Ts

It's official. Laura says it's time to get back out in the dating pool and she needs our help to create a kick-butt online profile. She tells us what she's learned about the do's and don'ts, the photos you should never include, and some "prompts" that will get the best responses. Erik and Producer Bryan chime in with their opinions.
AND, we are joined by a surprise guest, dating expert, Dr. Vagine! Oh, what a surprise you're in for.

Our special THIRD co-host for this episode is Leo Giordano, a big-time Laura Cain After Dark fan in Indiana. He's here in San Diego this week for his big "4-0" birthday celebration so we invited him to hang with us. He is also a MASSIVE, MEGA, DIAMOND-status fan of this 80's celebrity. You'll learn more about Leo and hear the sweet things he says about our show. You'll love Leo as much as we do.

Thank you for being a part of THIS podcast community. Comment, subscribe, share, like, DM us on IG and FB @lauracainafterdark or on TikTok @lauracainafterdarkpod
Email us at [e-mail] or go to www.lauracainafterdark.com for links, bios, etc.

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Episode Transcript

(00:06):
Okay, hello everybody, Welcome toLaura Caine after Dark. How are you
guys. I'm Laura Caine, lookingfetching. My co host is Eric Rimmer.
Hello, We're so big time.We have a producer. His name
is Brian. We're so big time. We have a third co host tonight.

(00:29):
His name is Leo. We doHi Leo, So, Leo,
Welcome, Welcome, Thanks for havingme. Been a fan of the podcast.
He lives in Indiana, and hewas in San Diego for seventeen years
in Oceanside, moved to Indiana andhas followed us while in Indiana nic the

(00:51):
whole time. And he always commentson all of our stuff and he's always
super sweet. And he's the onethat says that we look twenty six,
and we said we're going to givehim money. We probably have to pay
him tonight. And that meeting youtwo in person, you look you are
twenty six, both of you.Oh God, thank you. Okay,
we have so many questions. Okay, So Leo is going to be our

(01:15):
third co host tonight. We havea lot of things to discuss. In
fact, we're going to get toknow a little bit more about Leo because
he's a diamond one of these andwe'll explain what that is. And I've
decided it's time, guys, itis time to create a dating profile for

(01:38):
me and I'm going to need yourhelp. So we're going to create it
tonight. It's going to be sogood. I have the dudes and the
don'ts and uh what the photos Ishould post and the photos I shouldn't post.
It's like I did some research shots. Oh my god. Please first
before all of that and your doubleD news. Yes, we have a

(02:00):
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(02:24):
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(04:00):
Just took a sip of my bulba. Sorry about that. I had
a couple of balls in my mouthanyway. Boom babboom. All right,
so let's get some music while Iintroduce Leo Giordano. You said it right,
Thank you, you're Taliano. Yes, I don't know the person.

(04:23):
Oh you haven't done one of thosetwenty three and me things. No,
I'm scared to do it. Whatare you scared of finding at faults?
I watched too much forensic files.I just cat Well, he is a
gold star, Laura Kane after Darkfan. We'll give him that for sure.
Yes he is. He's also aformer ocean side resident, like I

(04:43):
said, seventeen years then moved toIndiana. He's studying marketing right now.
It's nice. He is a diamonddebhead. Oh do you know what that
is? I do because I loveher too. You would have known what
that is if Leo hadn't been here. You first, Leo, can you
please tell all of our listeners andwatchers what a diamond debhead is. A

(05:09):
Diamond debhead is a fan club memberof the Debbie Gibson Oka and Debbie Gibson
fans are called Debheads, and theyformed a fan club group called Diamond Deapheads
and it's a fun, inclusive groupof a bunch of people who just love

(05:30):
Debbie and her music. And I'vemet some of the coolest friends from the
Diamond Deadhead community and it's just ablast just sharing the love for her music
and just who she is as aperson. How many people would you guess
are members of the deb heead Club? I mean, is it thousands,

(05:54):
is it hundreds? Is it hundredsof thousands? It's enough amazing people that
put her album at number two onthe Amazon Dance Pop Charts on Saturday,
So it's awesome. So I don'tknow how many there are, but we
are a mighty bunch who will doanything for Debbie Gibson. So she is
so lovely. I've met her,and she's lovely. She's the nicest person

(06:18):
she and her energy is just amazing. Yeah, what got you started loving
fangirling for Debbie? Gibson. Idiscovered her music when I was sixteen,
and I just it was her ElectricYouth album, and I was just so
captivated that such a young person couldwrite and produce these catchy, fun songs.

(06:42):
And I just fell in love withher in that album and the perfume
at the time before it became asmall fortune on eBay, so I was
able to score tons of bottles ofElectric Youth perfume for like twenty dollars,
you know, back in nineteen ninetynine, and then now it's just a
small fortune. And is it's theperfumes don't last that long, do they?

(07:03):
Or don't they turn into like chemicalsor something after after a certain while,
they will, But if you're justa bottle in a dark which I'm
sure based not in the sunlight belt, yeah, like I keep them like
in storage. But I was filminga real right before I left for vacation,
and I accidentally knocked my bottle offthe counter and it broke and it

(07:25):
took forever to get the smell out. And let me just say that perfume
does go bad after thirty five years. You don't want to bake it.
And I'm like, I'm never gonnabe able to afford to replace this bottle.
And how many times have you metDebbie Gibson? I want to say

(07:49):
four? Okay, so you obviouslygo to things that she's at, her
concerts, her meet and greets orwhatever. Yes, do you think you
have a her I'm not saying thisin a bad way, but I'm just
wondering kind of like, how doyou think you've ever freaked her out because
you're such a huge fan or doyou think she doesn't care about that kind
of thing, like being freaked outlike that? The really cool thing about

(08:13):
like our community and her fan baseis that we are very respectful. We're
respectful of her space. We know, like whens a good time to you
know, just just the etiquette.I don't think, I mean, I
hope I don't, but I liketo think that I'm just respectful of her

(08:33):
time and courteous and and she respectsthat. And she just does everything,
you know, every anything for herfans and supporters. So do you have
a phone number? No, doyou ever email? I have the fanclub
e mail, which you know,if I ever need to get a hold
of her, I just you know, shoot her team a message. And
again that's part of you know,just respecting her space. Is that I

(08:56):
you know, that's really cool.That is cool, probably why she's so
receptive to you and to all ofher fans like that. Yeah, you're
also a member of another online communityon Facebook, right, isn't it something
like regarding the eighties or something.Is this the same community or is this
a different community you're part of.It's it's not on Facebook. I deleted

(09:20):
Facebook years ago, but it's justthe online community on Instagram. I follow
a lot of eighties pages. Whichis who is on my shirt? It's
a Violet Sky. She's glitter aWave eighties on Instagram and she's a I
believe she's twenty years old and shedresses and lives like it's nineteen eighty nine.

(09:41):
And I'm like, that is mykind of person. So so I
support and follow so many eighties accountsand they support me, and you know,
with the Debbie Gibson you know community, I'm just living my best life
right now. So you dress eightiesall the time. I don't like she
did, like Glitter Wave of VioletSky does a lot, but I do

(10:07):
it when I can, Like somedays, I'll you know, I'll just
wear something really flashy and fun likethis, and I wear clothes from the
eighties and nineties, and I justtried to put a modern spin on it.
That's cool. What did Debbie Gibsonsay when she saw this on your
forearm? It says Debbie Gibson inpretty big letters. That's a commitment right

(10:31):
there. She she loved it.And I believe at the time because I
got this done many years ago.I sent her a photo that was back
when I would write her her fanclub, and she wrote she signed a
CD. It said thank you forthe thanks for the ink. I love
it. So honored and in Vegaswhen I met her and Joey McIntyre again,

(10:56):
I was starstruck, kind of likeI am now. She we were
in we went to the meet andgreet booth and she grabbed my arm and
she said, Joey, look he'sgot my tattoo. And he's like,
well, you're a dead head.And it was just so much fun.
Okay, So what it cost zerofive hundred, fifteen hundred to get Laura

(11:18):
Kane after dark tattooed on your bodysomewhere or more than that, I don't
Well, I'm planning on getting atattooed tomorrow walland Ocean Side. I guess
we'll just have to wait and seewhat happened. Would that'd be amazing.
I'd be like so excited and happy. It would be very I know,
I know. Okay, So that'sLeo. I love that you're here.

(11:41):
We love to you. Guys thatlisten and watching are loyal. We love
doing the show for you. Andyou know what, if you feel like
it, you can just tell us. Why do you like listening and watching
Laura Kane after Dark? Leo,I'm just curious. I love it because
again, I followed you, LauraKane, back in the Jeff and jar

(12:03):
days. I would listen to theJeff and Jaars program religiously. I would
laugh so hard sometimes I thought Iwas going to crash my car. And
I met you at the Mannequin blowup. Manny the Mannequin I remember,
do you remember blowing that up?All my You were there, No,
I was not. He yeah,So I went and I said, oh

(12:24):
my gosh, all I want todo is meet Laura Kane. I wanted
to meet Laura Kane. And somewherein the depths of like I've got to
find it. Maybe Facebook has it. I have our picture. Oh my
god, I would love to seeyou. I dressed up in like a
crazy Mark Jacob's like suit is atthe time I worked. I think I
remember that ovayuely. It was likea tan like plaid suit and I was

(12:50):
like, I gotta meet Laura Canaand I've just followed you ever. Please
say it was nice. Please sayit was nice. You were nice and
lovely and you haven't aged a day. Oh my god. Okay, Yah,
You're welcome to come anytime you're backin San Diego. Come back next
week, come back next episode.All right, this is very important to
you guys. Before I get tothe double D, which we will end
the show the double D Yes,I have decided it's time. Remember Natalie

(13:16):
Reverend Natalie psychic medium. She's thepsychic of the show. She said that
this year, the Year of theDragon, is a good year of love
for love for the following Chinese symbolsrats, dragon and monkey and pig.

(13:37):
I think I'm a monkey and sothis could be my year of love.
Well, I'm not just going tomeet anybody because I don't go to bars.
Where am I going to meet somebody. I don't go to the grocery
store because I hate it. SoI hate grocery shopping. Oh my god,
I hate it so much. Uhyou're looking at it. It's called
door dash, it's called roommates,it's called getting stuff on the way home

(14:01):
from work. I just nope,I just I hate it. I don't
know. I wish I did.I wish I had. I walk into
a kitchen and I feel completely illiteratebecause I don't really it's never been my
forte. I don't like to cook. It doesn't bring me pleasure. And
I just I really wish it wasn'tthat way. Even drinks beige food.

(14:22):
I know my beige anyway, Okay, enough about that. But I was
reading up because I want to takethis seriously. Okay, Well, and
I have to say, not onlydo we have special guest Leo here for
this, we have another guest wedo Oh Jesus, I think I know
this is going. I called myfriend who's a dating and relationship specialist.

(14:43):
You got a hole of her?I did, yes, Doctor Vajean.
Okay, and she's coming in.Well what, okay do you want me
to start talking about I'll talk toyou. She should be here any minute
at all. I'll run up andanswers. Okay, you just so you
go when you need to go andget her. In the meantime, I

(15:03):
did some research because I really wantto do this right. Last time I've
been on dating apps, I didn'twrite a bio because I thought, I'm
not going to write a bio.I'm just going to put my pictures and
write like a few sentences from theform the prompts. I'm not going to
put too much effort into it.I was trying to be too cool,
you know. So this time Iactually want to do it right. So
I was reading into it what youshould do and what you shouldn't do on

(15:24):
your dating app bio. So here'sthe dude. Oh okay, make the
description brief of what I'm looking for. Put that right up front. What
am I looking for? What wouldmy friends say about me? How do
I spend my leisure time? Fivethings I can't leave live without? The

(15:48):
last book I saw, I read, the last TV show I saw,
the last movie I saw. Maybeput a movie quote in there, a
little tiny bit of humor, butmake it mostly serious and keep it positive.
That's what they say. And keepit as short as possible, but
try to get all that fun stuffin to catch them, to like hook

(16:10):
them. I think if you're askingyou in yournet how to make your hinge
profile more desirable, you might begoing in the wrong direction. Well,
I'm kind of glad that I didbecause of the list of don'ts, which
is stuff that I would normally write. So okay. So also, it
should be a balance of authentic andamusing interested in dating, but don't sound

(16:36):
desperate. Oh that's gonna be atough one. It should give a window
into my personality, but kind ofkeep an air of mystery as well.
It's like a lot right, actcool but not intimidating. The more truthful
I am in a kind and positiveway, the more likely men will be

(16:56):
attracted to my profile. So juststay positive, focus on what I like,
my interest, my hobbies, mypassions, my values. Okay,
you know I've never seen Eric anddoctor Regie in the same room. I
know, doctor Vaghime. Oh wow, thank you so much for joining us.

(17:17):
You're welcome, dear. Well,we really needed an This is Leo,
by the way, I just Iwant to create a dating profile,
so okay, that's what I saidabout it. You're going to create dating
profile lovely. Do you have anyadvice? Yes, don't do it,

(17:41):
but I'm gonna do it. Right. This is what you're not supposed to
do, according to what I read. Okay, and this is thing.
These are things I've seen cowless timeson guys bios and it turns it does
turn me off. No dick chutt, well, no, you can't put
those on They'll they'll kick you off. Okay, on Grinder you can put

(18:04):
a dick pic on Grinder? No, I think can you. I don't
think you can put a naked dickpic on any appsite. Have you been
on Grinder, Laura, No,I haven't. That's not for me.
I don't think right, No,Like what what do street people use?
The Tinder? It's still Tinder.That's the one with the little Tinder.

(18:25):
I don't know, but I knowTinder is the one if you just want
to like have a hook up thatnight. That's kind of like that.
I don't know if that's that quick, but like Bumble and Hinge is what
I'm thinking about. That's like thoseare true dating websites and e Harmony is
way too old, too much forme. It's old because grinder, you
can have somebody at your house inten minutes. I don't want that.

(18:49):
I don't think. I don't thinkI have that quite. We gotta numbers,
doctor Virginie. I want to seeif you agree with these, and
do you know not include these inyour bios? You go ahead and the
following phrases or words. I loveadventure, that's not true. I'm spontaneous,

(19:12):
which means they're not. I'm abit shy, a little bit of
an introvert. They're the first onesto show you a dick. I'm curvy,
which means big bone. I'm goodwife material. Who would write that?
I don't think that's awful. Thatdoesn't wouldn't turn you off. If

(19:33):
you're a single guy looking to goout on a date, Yeah, well
I would want to know if Iwas. Yeah, my first question is
do you have kids already? Well? Uh, we're not. We're not
there yet. Okay, penis sizementions don't don't you know? Come on?
Looking for my partner in crime.I have read that so many times

(19:56):
in bios. I'm like cringey,it's so cringey. Yeah, no,
partner in crime? Looking for mypartner for my forever partner in crime.
I'm spiritual. You would put thattoo. No, I'm world traveler and
a foodie. I know those arewell, neither of those are true Mexican

(20:18):
food. I'm open mind. IfI put I'm open minded that that like
that sense like a right. Ithink that's probably something I shouldn't put.
They say, don't put the twowords. Just ask, like, if
you have any questions, just ask. That's too passive for a good job

(20:40):
interview. I know. This wholething is I love to laugh God,
which means you're kind of obnoxious andyou might have a really obnoxious laugh.
Bad grammar, bad spelling, emojis, no emojis, a list of qualifications
you us meet. You must besix feet tall, dark hair, green

(21:04):
eyes, or I'm not considering you. I don't know. Don't be too
specific like that. These correct don'tmention your ex No in your bio.
I'm just saying, how would thatcome up? People say that in their
bio? Yeah, now here arethe folk? Okay? Now, photos

(21:25):
you guys, have you all beenon dating websites? Have you seen dating
web have you no? Well,as a doctor or whatever, you are
a therapist, an advisor. You'venever been on a dating app site?
No, no, you look atme. I have no problem getting Madden.

(21:45):
Have you back in my twenties?Like, I, what was back
there? Well? What was whatwas that? Years ago? Four years
I went twenty. Yeah, itwas grinder, Oh still grinder, it
was still it was still grinder backthen. And then there was a horrible

(22:06):
one. I think it's called Adamfor Adam, and it was just nasty.
Oh gosh, oh Jesus Christ.And then well, well I met
my husband on the app called Hornet. Oh, and it's horrible, horrible,
horn horn it. And I wasn'tlooking for love at that time,

(22:27):
and I don't think he was either. That's when it happens. And when
he messaged me, I was drunkin my apartment watching Spanish telenovelas and I
saw his his photo popped up andI'm like, who is this hot man
messaging me? And I said,oh, he lives in Palm Springs.

(22:48):
That's too far, But I gotto keep this conversation going, and next
thing I know, we like wewent on a date and he he was
the one, and we've been together. This will be nine years whaw.
So he moved to Indiana with you? Or do you live? Is it
a long distance thing? I moved. I moved in with him in Palm

(23:11):
Springs and then we moved to Coloradoand then now we're on our Indiana adventure.
And I think he's just the mostamazing person. So if I could
find true love through these dating apps, I think you can too. Well,
yeah, because it sure, itsure opens up a whole lot of
opportunities. Because if you think aboutit, if you didn't have a dating

(23:33):
app, where could you meet peopleat a bar, at at school?
Maybe if you're still in school,at work? You know, I needed
Doctor of Virginia. I need Doctorof virgin when I was in there's dating
what matchmakers? I would pay tohave somebody match you? Lord? But
look now I'm speaking to you guys. Guys, do not post a picture

(24:00):
with your sunglasses on. We can'tsee what your face looks like. We
want to see your eyes, yes, the eyes. Please please pick one
photo where you're at least smiling becausewe need to see teeth. Yes,
I got it. Yes, wewant to make sure that you have all
of them. And what are theand if you don't there's a sponsor right

(24:22):
back here who can help you.That's that's yes. And then the gym
selfie. But you know what,I have to give it to guys because
guys don't really take a whole lotof pictures necessarily as many as women do,
so you don't have a lot tochoose from. So there are a
lot of guys that post like selfiesof them sitting on like a weight bench
with the camera like like just workingout. So many of those I've seen,

(24:48):
and it's kind of like, Ithink it's okay for chicks to do
that. Well, what about abathroom selfie? I've seen plenty of those.
Okay, all right, Now,here are some prompts that I should
use to start a conversation, andI want you guys to this podcast.

(25:11):
So this is after they read yourbio and they say, oh, god,
Laurie, I need to message herright Well, no, they read
my bio. They read the likeand they go, oh, this girl
sounds cute. Oh she looks likesomebody I would want to date. Let's
see what how she answers this question. There's like a couple of little questions
and you answer. They're called prompts. And so they're like conversation starters apparently,

(25:36):
So please answer these for me,because I don't know what to say.
Okay, this year, I reallywant to get a date. That's
why I'm on this app that's actuallydoes that sound desperate? Oh my god?
We'll put that on the don't list? Should it be? Because my
tendency is to go funny? Butit says don't be too funny? Don't

(25:59):
I get that? It is adequate? I think attempted? True, it's
true, but is it too bland? What? Well? You don't want
to say get laid because you don'twant to put it all out there.
You don't want to put your legsover your head before it's time. If
you like, ten matches in fiveminutes. I really want to go to
Vietnam? Can I put that?Wow? No, why isn't that interesting?

(26:21):
Wait? What was the this year? I really want to I'm going
to be a traffic at that date. It just seems but it's they'll ask
me, why do you want togo to Vietnam? Why are you going?
I've been there, it's amazing,blah blah blah, conversation starting.
Why don't you Why don't you sayI want to travel with my partner in
crime. I'm never going to sayit, I recently discovered that I have

(26:48):
a third nipple. Anything like,what did I recently discover that would be
clever and would get I'm stronger thanI thought? Is that cringey? Yes?
Yeah, I don't want to betoo serious. Okay, maybe these

(27:11):
aren't prompts that are good to likeget like a witty. Maybe this year
you discovered that you want to travelmore, you want to get out life's
too short, that life's too short, that you hate being alone. No,
I don't though for the purpose ofme. The dating apps you do
it said not to use negative language, and yeah, but that's that's an

(27:33):
incentive for men tore Alright, howabout this one. I'm the social engineer
of this bitch. I'm looking forthat and not love and not a date
and not a man. I wantlike, what's kind of witty? I
want to be witty, fun andfrivolity, promiscuity. A shower thought that

(27:59):
I recently had was I need toshave my legs more. Yeah, yes,
I ever shaved my legs in likea week. Jesus, Oh my,
I don't have that much hair.I I don't do that anymore either,
because it's way too painful and razorsenough that'll start a conversation. Okay,

(28:22):
my typical Sunday couch and Netflix andchill. That might be that's true,
Yes, it might be the bestpolicy. Again, Yeah, be
honest. Don't be too honest though, I know, like the best way
to ask me out is by sayinghello, sending a dick pic so I

(28:47):
can send it to Eric, soyou can make a friend. Where is
Eric? By the way, wheredo you go? I don't know.
Doctor Regin came in and probably thebathroom. I know. I bet he's
in the bathroom, no doubt,no doubt. Are you going to bring
her? Or are you just hereto say hi? Do you have any
like words of advice where you thatI should sit? Because you can't fit
four of us on the cap Imight need like Eric, Eric knows me

(29:07):
like really well, I'll ask him. Why don't you go grab Eric?
He'll run in here and then comeright back after you do that. Okay,
let me go get him, areyou yeah, I'll go. I
think he's eating in the kitchen.Okay. The best way to ask me
out is by I'm gonna try andmake this difficult. Let's go. What

(29:30):
does everybody says, let's go graba cup of coffee? Se no,
like no, nope, done off, swipe left, boring? I was
eating? What do you need?What is the best way to ask me
out? Uh? Like creatively?You want to go out? Yeah,

(29:51):
don't set the bar too high forasking you out? So what what are
we on? What app? Arewe on? We're on any app that
any app any day? Are weon the one that you're on them?
Where you start a conversation with theguy? Why are you talking so low?
And why why are you he's beentalking low all night? Like the
first opening the podcast, You're like, this is my co host? He's

(30:14):
like, hello, have you beensmoking cigarettes late? What's up with the
low voice? He was talking verystraight tonight. What okay? You know?
Me like, what would I enjoy? What would make me like?
Oh okay, I totally want togo up with this guy? He asked
me out by doing this being funny? Yeah, I guess so, all

(30:34):
right? Funny My best travel story? Oh my my Tijuana's strip club tour.
Oh that that's good. Okay,okay, okay, okay, can
I finish my food. Yeah,we want a doctor of vagina virgene back.
Yes, tell her also that togive us some like good bits of

(30:56):
dating advice. Okay, I'll tellher. Okay, Okay. One thing
I'll never do again this hook upon the first date. No, don't
say that. No, I don'tsay that, because that's not totally out
of the question. Hook up.What do you mean by hook up?

(31:18):
Like hook up in my In myworld, hookup means to kiss. What.
No, hookup doesn't mean the fullshed? No, it does not.
In mine. In the gay world, it does. Yeah, I
don't think there's any other definition forhookup besides sex. When I say,
uh, I hooked up on thefirst date, what do you assume that

(31:40):
I did full bald, deep penetration. We made a connection, We just
kissed. That's that's my That's definitelyokay. I know, Okay, good.
Ye have so much to teach you. I don't think you're the only
person that thinks that I've heard thatbefore. You should not go out with
me. If you have standards,If my rash hasn't cleared up, leo,

(32:08):
if you smoke, Oh that's oneleo. Oh, here's the thing.
Seventeen years ago. When I stoppeddrinking, I also stop smoking,
and I still like the smell ofcigarette smoke. Isn't that horrific and awful?
But it's true, it's weird.No, I wouldn't mind. Really,

(32:28):
Yeah, I know it's sick.It's sick. I don't want to
smoke again. I don't have thaturge, but I still like the smoke.
Well, you want to the insideof their mouth. That's why you
loved Oh why Oh, it's justnothing but smoke in one area they have
like a god. Okay, somethingthat's non negotiable for me is cheating.

(32:52):
You're right, But should I go? Should I go that deep? That
quick? Yeah? Laid down,laid down the wall. That's what me
When me and my husband when hewas we were just dating at the time.
When we first started dating. Oneof the first things we said we
said, and if you cheat onme, you are out. Like he

(33:13):
said it to me. I saidit to him because we had dealt with
so many cheaters in our past.Zero tolerance, Zero tolerance. Lay it
out like then and there. Ifyou want to have a honey on the
side, don't be in a relationship. I don't I don't know if I
put that on your app, though, I would say it's just a little
off putting. I agree, that'smore like a first edate thing. Yeah,

(33:34):
I don't know if you need toannounce that on your app. Drugs
well, okay, I'll think aboutthat one, all right, more of
a quality don't want to see insomeone besides like entitlement. Okay, I
bet you can't, wife, Ibet you can't dot dot dot. Oh,

(33:57):
I know, tie cherry stem andnot just going to say that is
that a trick? Or is thatreal? Do people? Can people really
truly do that? Because you knowhow gullible I am? Or is this
the magic trick? It's real?You can do that? Oh? Yes?
Do you know if your friend Ericcan do it? I don't know,

(34:19):
because that's talent and that impresses me. Can you do it? No?
God? No, have you seenit done? Not in real life.
I've seen it on the internet.It's pretty I've seen cool. Yeah,
it's pretty crazy. I wish Icould do that whistle, and I
wish I could tie a cherry stemwith my tongue because the guys would be
like, what, Yeah, mancan tie a cherry stem with the exactly

(34:45):
your your clipress will be very happy. We're talking about my pleasures. My
simple pleasures are door dash might,thank you, yes, lately, Yes,
a lot lately? Yes, rossNo, don't don't put that.

(35:08):
I can put like d fiance.No. I realized the day the only
exercise that my legs get besides walkingup and down halls is when I go
to the bathroom in a public restroombecause I hover over the seat. I
never sit on the seat, evenif there's a seat cover, and my

(35:30):
thighs burn. I'm like, thisis the only exercise I'm kidding from my
thighs is hovering over a toilet seats. So sad, so sad. All
right, this is important and thinkabout this. Be honest. The key
to my heart is food, butthat's not true. Mm hmmm, I'm

(35:52):
not that much of a foody perse. What's the key to my heart?
Or laughter? Yeah? I likethat? Is that too cheesy?
Is that cringey? What about compliments? Because I always say, oh,
Laurie, you look twenty six,and it's even though it's true, your

(36:13):
face lights up. So I thinkthe key to your heart is just honest
compliments. Is that? I likethat, But does that sound stack up?
Honesty? Honesty, honesty. Okay, okay, we got it all
right, there's only a few more. One thing I'd like to know about
you is what do I want toknow about my potential date? That he's

(36:38):
not married, That you're really trulysingle? Yes, yeah, and that
there's no rap sheet, no STDsmaybe oh yeah. My most controversial opinion
is you don't have any Yes.I do about a lot of things.

(36:59):
Name one, Oh, I haveone. Strawberries are gross. That's pretty
controversial. But oh it's highly contentaryslightly and kind of light and a little
bit humorous or not. I don'tthink it can be controversial because it's too
light. No one goes that andgoes, oh my goodness. Well,

(37:20):
I'm not going to say, likesomething, what about is the food group?
But is a part of a foodfood? Not my food group?
I love to one more. Uh, let's see, I'm weirdly attracted to

(37:40):
big big man. I'm not supposedto say anything about it's pretty normal,
large large things. Large things.You will get the wheelers coming in for
you, really really big things,because I know actually it'll suddenly filter out

(38:05):
the men who know that that doesopen to so many possibilities. Oh my
god. Okay, but it's humorousand that's what you want. I think
it's good. Yeah, but thenagain, do I seem promiscuous that way?
Not necessarily? Okay, now let'sjust do this real quick before we
get to the double D. Whatis my opening line of my bio?
I have plenty of pictures. Iknow what to post as far as that

(38:27):
goes. What is my opening lineon my bio? What will? What
would hook you? I was onthe radio. My opinions are open,
but not my legs. That wouldnot That would be a swipe left.
If that's a I used to befamous? That no negativity. Okay,

(38:51):
that's not negative to me. It'snegative to me what I used to be.
But you are famous from Grace seeyou well, how I know?
See this is how I'm treated.I could be a mother. Thank you,
Leo. What about you, doctorVigeanna? You starstruck now you're pretty
amazing. You look like someone's superfamous. You're like a cross between Yoko

(39:13):
Ono and like Bruce Chendler, thelady from The Incredible. I will opening,
I will not start. I willnot continue until I get an opening
sentence boom go what hey boys,it's me again. My boobs are bigger

(39:36):
than my personality. I want youguys to be serious and not I may
look fake, but I'm one hundredpercent real. But that is a lie.
What is it that the elvirus saidin that movie? She says,
I want to be remembered for beingmore than a great set of boobs.
I'm also a great pair of legs. Um No, I don't want to

(40:00):
get like sexual yet. Thanks forstopping by. No, hey, hey,
brainstorm business. I really don't wantto have to write this bio,
but I'm gonna because I really wantto meet you. Oh god, this

(40:22):
bio is something that I really I'mstruggling with. But guess what here it
goes? Would you be interested inthat? I would swipe. If I
read that, I would do allright, let's do your dog. I
would ask to have you banned fromI've been banned from too many things lately,
so let's please. No, let'snot go. We're not using that
word go, doctor Regeen. Thankyou so much for being in here for

(40:45):
this segment. I just have oneword of advice for your letter. Can
oh good? Please? What justdon't spread it out too quickly. You
want to save the cherry for aman that you like, that appreciates you,
So don't go throwing that vagina out. I don't plan on the first
date. Don't hop on any littlepogo stick that shakes your way these days,

(41:12):
this era twenty twenty four. Howmany dates in is it appropriate?
Four? Four dates? And thenthe legs are open, then we're open
for business, or you know,just do when you're ready. Three dates?
What if that's two dates, thendo it. I don't recommend it,
but then that's when you're ready.Just not on the first day.
Not the first date though, No, not the first I'll probably end up

(41:37):
doing it on the first day,I know, but like, wait,
what does that mean? No?Can I get into things like really?
I really get into things like hey, that that's your bio. I get
into things like your pants. Now, let's see this all sounds to you
suggestive. You know what this isfruitless? Is why don't you just say,

(41:58):
as your tagline, let's do it. No, that's not what I
wanted to just put bend me oversomething. I'll just you guys think about
it. Well, will you pleasego? Thank you? Doctor? Regien.
We bring here boys. I'm likea seven eleven open twenty for seven
oh day and nine. You're firstdate, type of open leg type of

(42:20):
woman. No, that's your tagline. Oh, talking about yourself. Eric
just ribed seven to eleven with sevendid I? Oh you mean doctor Regene,
mister Vagina over there? Just yes, doctor Regiene. Thank you for
coming by. Oh yeah, anytimea kid and then Eric. If Eric
would come back in, that wouldbe great. See it as a segment

(42:42):
called the Double Sure he's done eatingby now, okay, trying to bring
me some food from the kitchen.Tell him to bring me some food from
the ki What would you like?Producer Brian all right, I go up
on the spot during I'll go gethim. Okay, go get him now.
Yes, now to meet It wasnice to meet you too. Thank

(43:04):
you for stopping by. Doctor.The funny thing is, you know how
many different wigs I've seen him inover the years. I don't know the
answer to that. I've never actuallyseen them in his house. I don't
know where he keeps them or wherehe gets them. I know he's received
two from me, but that one. Eric, how your food? It
was delicious? It's been right therethe entire time. What it's been right

(43:24):
there the entire time? My food, I was looking for it in the
kitchen. Yeah, why we dothe double D? Yes, I want
someone to write my opening tagline.We'll be listening. Oh, I'd love
to write it for you. No, I want you to do the double
D. I'm excited to hear what'sgoing on? Yes? Double D is

(43:46):
our daily dirt, our show business, the gossip of the celebrities. What
is up? I was the music? Yes, Oh, it's because I
don't have my headphones on. Jeez, there we go. Goodness, Okay,
all right, I don't even knowwhere to start. Oh my god,

(44:07):
that's gonna be good. Taylor Swift'snew album Dropped. Love the new
song love that she did it withpostmod I love that song and I love
the video. I'm so happy you'rebecoming like a full fledged Swiftie. I
really do like her yay, andI love the fact. Did she let

(44:28):
Kim Kardashian have it? Wait?Wait, wait what happened? Yes?
So she has a song on thealbum and it's called thank You Amy,
and it's th h A and andthen the k is capitalized and then the
U is small, then the A, the I, and the M are

(44:49):
capitalized ee, so it spells Kim. So it's all about the Kanye.
And then remember Kim Kardashian allegedly hadthe phone ca conversation and she edited the
parts out that Kanye didn't want anybodyto hear. So it was all about
using Taylor Swift in one of hissongs and she said no, but he

(45:12):
did it anyway, okay. Andso the allegedly Kim had the phone conversation
edited to make it look like Kanyewas telling the truth, but he wasn't.
So Kim Kardashian lost one hundred thousandsocial followers due to the Taylor Swift

(45:34):
feud. Those Swifties are no joke. Heads are no joke. And that's
right. And then you know what'sher name, Demi Levado. They're the
Levotics and they'll they'll cut a bitchtoo. Demi Leva would cut a bitch.

(45:55):
She's insane. Oh man, thoseLevotics, they will come for you.
I think a little period, andI think she's going through I think
so. Yeah. Ninety day fianceLiz slams weakling big Ed for calling off
the wedding. Why what do youwatch ninety Day Fiance? I haven't seen

(46:16):
it. When when you sent mea text about have you seen ninety Day
Fiance? I had it, butI remember seeing the guy who is like
he has like no no. Isaw him at the UPS store down the
street one day and I took aselfie with Oh, this is so embarrassing,
and he I went, I'm like, hey, hey, Ed,
I do a podcast Calledora came afterdark. He was like running to his

(46:37):
cay. I go, do youthink what you get a selfie? And
would you? And he's like okay, and so he took a selfie real
quick, and then he got inhis car real fast. I'm sure he's
approached by a lot of people andit's probably really irritating because he's very noticeable.
But why she with him? I'mglad that's over. I don't want
to see him anymore. Please don'tdo any more spin offs with Big Ed.

(46:58):
He's not a good person. Yeah, okay, star has fallen.
Yes, well, the second weekendof Coachella, Kid Coody broke Cuddy oh
day and now yeah, I don'teven know who he is. He broke
his foot jumping off the stage andfines were issued due to Lana del Rey
being late. So now they callher Lana del rel Dell late. So

(47:22):
Coachella issued fines for her being Howlate was she? I think she was
an hour late? Oh so thereare they doing that now? Or is
that just a Coachella that's aella?Oh my gosh. Okay. Nicki Minaj
was almost hit by an object duringa concert. She's one of the in
line. She threw it back intothe crowd. She was not having it.

(47:45):
I gotta tell you a story.That's that's a thing now as people
hurling stuff. Well, that's whyyou can't bring a person anymore. That's
not it has to be the sizeof your hand or clear because they don't
want you obviously. And then likeall the things you buy at a concert
or in plastic cups or whatever.Okay, when the pod Rays went to
the nineteen ninety four World Series,I was on the radio and we were

(48:08):
doing this big event at Jack MurphyStadium back when it was Jack Murphy Stadium,
and I was on a stage andwe had prizes to give away and
there was like a huge crowd,so I threw We had with these special
signed baseballs oh no, I don'tknow if I should admit this has the

(48:29):
time passed, it's nineteen ninety fourstatue limitations. Yeah, go for it
anyway. I threw it too farup in the air because I wanted to
get to like obviously someone who hadtheir hands up. It hit some check
on the nose and broke her nose. Is your emergency? I got her,
I got the killer. I gota big trouble. I bet oh.

(48:52):
I didn't mean to do that.I felt so bad, But like
that could really hurt somebody. Don'tthrow a balls or anything at anybody on
stage. There are balls at anybody'sI know. I didn't do it on
her face. At least it wasbefore the time where like it could been
filmed. You would have been viral. And my god, this podcast.

(49:12):
Let's redo it. Let's redo it. No, let's not break Eric's Oh
my god, I could say,Laura, throw me my water bottle,
and you could break his nose.Yeah. No, I don't want you
to break my I have a littletiny you have a perfect nose. Don't
do anything for your nose. Youcan break my nose. My noses already
jacked up. Beyonce claims that herluscious locks are all her own, and
she throws shade on her haters.So are mine? Please, Beyonce,

(49:38):
you care because those go down pasther butt? Just admit it. I
mean, what's the What's so Ihave taping extensions? Like, what's the
problem? What is she gained bylying about it? I know, I
don't know. That's what I'm wondering. If she's telling the truth. The
whole thing is so bizarre. Thereis the possibility, I guess, but
it just doesn't seem I don't know, very real, realistic to me.

(50:00):
Delta Birke remember her from Designing Women. Yes, she tried crystal meth to
lose weight age. She didn't eatfor five days. Wait recently? Wait
she did that seventeen years ago?Maybe? Yes? Was this recently or

(50:21):
is this like a memoir that she'sright? Yeah, she just said that
she had I'm thinking that at thisage, No, you wouldn't just start
or try crystal meth. No,in your sixties, however old she is
in her sixties? Yeah, no, anyway, Okay, wow, yeah,
that is Yeah. Any Debbie Gibsonnews that you'd like to throw in

(50:42):
any show busin news that what isthe last TV show you watched. I
want to know the last TV showI watched that we should be watching.
It's it's an older show, butit's orange. Is the New Black that
I can watch that show from startto finish? Yeah? Over, I
watched it about once a year.It's one of my favorite shows. Have

(51:02):
you ever seen Wentworth? No?Have you? No? Do I need
to Brian? Have you seen Wentworth? No? Oh my god. It's
about women in prison, but it'smore serious and it's filmed I think in
Australia. No, it's a scriptedshow. But holy cow, it's good.
Watch it. Trust me. It'snot funny. There's no real funny

(51:23):
parts in it, like or justA New Black has some kind of funny.
Yeah, this is serious and it'sgood. Wentworth? All right,
I'm gonna write that down. Anythingyou watched over the weekend that we need
to see? No, did youdo anything fun? I watched the finale

(51:44):
of RuPaul's Drag Race. Oh didthe right person win? Yeah? Yeah?
She was great? Yeah? Allright, I spoil it in case
anybody hasn't watched it. But it'sgood. Do you want to get Oh?
Are you watching The New American horrorstory delicate. No, I don't
even know where I left off,because they think there have been some that
I've missed along the way they get. I think Kim Kardashian begin that kind

(52:07):
of ruins that, because she's theleast scary thing I can think of.
Yeah it's one. Yeah it's bizarre, but it's strangely watchable. I'm into
that. What's it called again?Delicate? Okay? And is it?
What does it stream on Hulu?Oh gosh, that's the one I own.
I don't have a table, goodgrief. I have Netflix. It

(52:29):
says, that's all. That's allI can. Grandpa still has cable.
He gets all the channels, Rampotdoes watching. Grandpa has all the pay
ones too. Grandpa spends a loton. Grandpa spends a lot on keep
it going until I move in.Yes, thank you, you're welcome.
I appreciate it. All right,I've got the big, huge couch ready.

(52:51):
Oh I love it all. Ohmy god, Okay, coming up
on Thursday's show, I have moreacting auditions to show you, Oh my
god. And I literally think I'mgoing to get one of these gigs,
and I'll tell you which one,and I want you to be honest about

(53:13):
him. Like, if you thinkI did good, tell me you did
not. Oh, speaking of Brianand acting what I have a very impromptu
it came today? What what presentfor you? Jesus Christ? Did this
last time? I can't handle stresson my heart. I know you're that

(53:37):
you're that fan now, I know, But he's my identity has been stolen.
What about his anniversary present? I'mnot giving that to him? There's
another Yes, this came today foryou. Okay, Brian, come up
here or just put the camera toyou. All right, here you go.

(54:00):
Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god. Could this
have been touched by him? Lookwhat I'm doing. That's oh geez.
Anyway, I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You don't mean to
defile your Oh my gosh. Heput the camera on because I've got to
see this from the beginning. You'veseen it obviously. Why are they just

(54:21):
shipping you stuff now? It's justa constant rotation of stuff coming in.
You know what. God only knowswhat he has said about you. He
may have made up some crazy story. I don't think I'm gonna make a
wish kid or something. Oh mygosh, he's he's he will be here

(54:43):
someday. Do you believe that LeoKeanu will walk in this door somebody?
What? Oh? Wait h andit's signed? It is signed. Is
it signed to you? Yeah?It is to Brian Calories. It's hard
to see you, but it is. This is my third item from Keanu
Reeves. How did you get thatfourth? Actually you won't even share the

(55:07):
details. What is that from?That's John Wick? Okay? Are you
going to go back to the sameframing people so they can like touch that
one too like they did. Ohmy gosh, well this is not I
don't have to get a custom framefor this. I'll just get a regular
frame. I'm gonna have a walljust full of signed Keanu Reeves stuff like

(55:30):
I if if this keeps something,I can make a business selling his Oh
my god, why they love it? Surprise surprise, show the camera.
Okay, I have an idea.Why don't you frame that, put it

(55:51):
with your sweatshirt, wear your sweatshirt, put your other framed uh letter and
lithograph around yourself with it, liketake a picture and then I'll send it
to him, like please, wewould love to have you come in.
This is even saying no, no, no, no, no, no,
I'm not doing any more. Please. I have never done any but
I'm not. You've done nothing Ihave. This is already more than I

(56:14):
can possibly imagine. So no,I'm not doing anything. Wait till he
sees his anniversary. Holy shit,dude, we're gonna get him here.
I I love your confidence because ifwe don't feel I don't know what to
do as it's great, right,it's too Brian. He just gets an

(56:37):
email. He's like, you wantsomething else for your friend, Sure,
we'll send him. Keller's bored.One day, He's like, I'm gonna
send some famil to that one kidfrom San Diego. I think he's just
the coolest guy in the world andjust maybe like he just appreciates the fact
that you're a film student you wantto be a director, and he really
like appreciates that, and he's formedlike a bond with you and he doesn't

(57:00):
even know you. It's great.He's going to be here someday. Why
God get you know we're gonna workon that. Can work on that together.
Absolutely, you share your secrets withme? Oh my god. All
right, anybody you want to givea shout out to you before we walk
out. I want to give ashout out to Okay, not you,
Leo. I want to give ashout out to my husband. He told

(57:23):
me to have so much fun tonightand I am having a blast. Hi
husband, it's his name is Rex. Rex. And all of my Diamond
Deadhead fan the Diamond Debhead fan base, the fan club. They're just the
coolest people ever. And hello Diamonddebhead Heads. Yeah, I'm a Debhead.

(57:45):
I love her. Yeah. Andthey're just the coolest, just fun,
kindest people. And I just lovethat community. And to everybody who
came out to my wine tasting yesterday, My friends and family really made it
special. What was that for yourbirthday? Yeah? It turned forty?

(58:05):
Oh my god? Oh my okay, you think twentythday? Thank you?
I know you look you look likeyou're twenty. I literally I would have
never guessed you were forty. Ohmy god. I'm putting you all in
my will. Okay. Wow,I'm like, I have so many questions,
but I'm not going to ask meThey'll probably be inappropriate. I don't

(58:27):
want to offend you. No,say it. This is Laura Kane after
Dark. Is that your real hair? Color. No, okay, but
keep doing it because you look great. No, and and thank you.
In fact, my hair is allgreat, Like if I didn't color it,
it is gray really white, soI have to color it. Some
guys go great way early I did. I started at twenty six. Oh

(58:52):
wow, Yeah, I've been I'vebeen coloring it for for many years.
Keep doing it. It looks greatand you look great. Thank you.
You were great on the show.Thank you. I was really nervous.
It was my first time. Butbut Laura says that all the time.
But time, that's what we shouldsay. I'm really nervous. It's my

(59:15):
first time. I don't normally dothis. You're gonna get predators if you
put that. That is something thateverybody. I don't normally do this.
This is the first time. No, that's code for I'm a Oh my
god. We'll figure it out,but I'm gonna need your help anyway.
Yeah, coming up Thursday, morebad acting auditions. Oh I cannot wait

(59:37):
for this. That a dead seriousand I really gave them my hall and
then we have more coming up onThursday. Thank you so much Leo for
being here, and you know ourlockout right. Here we go here we
go. I'll say it first,then it's eric'stern, then you do it,
and the show ends. Yes,Okay, I see I never made

(59:59):
it through like the end of theshow because you guys are three hours behind.
So in Indiana the show starts atten and and I'm Grandma's so like,
I'm just like, I gotta signI'm gran And then I start yawning
in the second episode crazy, andthen I go to and then I'm like,
oh god, I'm sleepy, andI never get through the full hour,
even though even though I really reallywant to. Okay, this will

(01:00:22):
be a great surprise. Just justrepeat this phrase when it's your turn.
Okay, thank you guys, notthis part. Thank you guys so much
for watching and for listening, andwe love you so much and love your
podcast. Leo, thank you forcoming. La. He gets a past
today, why because I have unlimitedsupply merchandise coming. He's supposed to just

(01:00:52):
say love your podcast, and we'resupposed to walk out, but he always
stretches it out and it drives meinsane. I love you, Yeah,
I love you too, love yourpodcast. Thank you. And before I
say love your podcast, I'm gonnasay Laura Kane. You are a beautiful
creature, fragile, delicate, andexquisite, the fairest flower in God's garden.

(01:01:14):
Love your podcast. Wow, that'smy new ring tone. I'm gonna
take that off the podcast. That'sway better than I thought. I was
hot, ship but I'm cold diarrhea. Wow, anybody's ever said to me?
Thank you so much, Leo.Wow, Oh my god. I
love you, my sweet babies.Bye. Thank you so much for watching.

(01:01:37):
Oh my god.