April 25, 2024 • 41 mins
What is something you have never done that most people on this planet have? Laura has a crazy list of things she's never done like watching the movie National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (isn't that a crime, or something?)
Then, we get to watch a few more awful acting auditions from Laura. Side note: she's dead serious when she says that she gives each one of them her all. Cue hecklers!
We play a new game called "Quick and Dirty" where Laura pits Erik against Producer Bryan. Which one of them can think the fastest on their feet?
Pull up, grab something to eat, kick up your feet, and hang with us for a little while. Hopefully, you'll come away with a smile on your face and sore stomach muscles from laughing so hard.
We are an unapologetically unfiltered, fun, funny, genuine, real-talk show. Thanks for checking us out.
Love your podcast!
www.lauracainafterdark.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/laura-cain-after-dark--4162487/support.
Then, we get to watch a few more awful acting auditions from Laura. Side note: she's dead serious when she says that she gives each one of them her all. Cue hecklers!
We play a new game called "Quick and Dirty" where Laura pits Erik against Producer Bryan. Which one of them can think the fastest on their feet?
Pull up, grab something to eat, kick up your feet, and hang with us for a little while. Hopefully, you'll come away with a smile on your face and sore stomach muscles from laughing so hard.
We are an unapologetically unfiltered, fun, funny, genuine, real-talk show. Thanks for checking us out.
Love your podcast!
www.lauracainafterdark.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/laura-cain-after-dark--4162487/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:11):
I love how Elvis is always partof the Thursday podcast. He loves it
right here on the couch. Hello. Hello, It's Laura Kane after dark
and I've made a decision already justlooking at our monitor. This is Eric
Rimmer, by the way, myfabulous co host, who I love so
much. I love you so much. Producer Brian on the other side of
(00:35):
the screen. Hi, producer,this hat looks stupid. Why didn't you
tell me it looks stupid? Whotold you it looked good? I know,
but that wasn't true. I don'tthink bucket I think bucket hats rarely
look good on people. Heileo,hilee O. Leo's in the audience.
(00:57):
Leo has been here at my house. He spent the night, like four
nights. Jesus. He's the bestguy ever. He's so positive. I
know. Well shut up, Okay, So you guys, I have been
doing some more auditions on my backstagedot com account. I would like to
(01:18):
announce that I did get a onehundred dollars UGC social media gig user generated
content. They sent me the product. It's for menopause. It's like a
menopause pill. You're done, thatbitch. Oh my gosh. So I
have to create like these videos.And then I also got another gig that's
(01:42):
similar that pays like one hundred dollarsperiod. And I have to take a
picture period. I have to takea picture of myself wearing an ill fitted
bra looking sad like. And thenI have to take b roll of me
wearing this bra they're sending me that'sgoing to make me. We're happy.
Look, my postures better, myboobs look better because of this fabulous FROs.
(02:05):
So you're selling out your body already. Wow. For the most part,
yes, I'm not showing anything.It starts the softcore porn, then
it goes to the hardcore yep,yep. I'm really hoping to get one
of these gigs that I'm about toshow you, and I'd be in like
a Hustler Milk video in no time. Those are not the ones that I
(02:27):
go for. I go for ones, I go for voiceovers, I go
for small bit parts, moms,I do my age range. I'm not
trying to play a thirty year oldlike or anything like that. I'm serious
about this and I'm serious about theseauditions, and I seriously want you guys
to give me your honest feedback.Okay, done, don't be mean just
(02:50):
to be nasty, I won't.Yeah, right, okay, before Eric
has something that he wants to tellus before we get to the auditions,
something real quick, before we getto our responsors. By the way,
that's my roommate Marie, her mom'sin town. Okay. Has this ever
(03:10):
happened to you where you try togive somebody a high five and it just
completely fails, like you hit theirside of their hand. You're like,
wait, that was bad. Nope, okay have you Oh? Yeah,
well I have the trick on howto give a perfect high five every single
time. Are we going to doit on the show? Yes? We
are. Okay. The trick isyou look at the other person's elbow and
(03:36):
it'll you get You will get thatsmacking right in the middle of the palm
sound. I'm gonna try it.Sure, Okay, How how badly could
this go? Okay? Eric?Yes, great show on Monday and Tuesday.
You guys it. I know hedidn't properly. He didn't really look
(03:57):
at my elbow. Let's do itagain, you said elbow. I know
you your listener. We bring youhigh quality content such as how to Hi,
did look at your elbow? Eric? You know what? Good job
on being such a good person.Thank you. It still sucks. It
does not work looking at someone's elbow. Are you supposed to? Next?
Bit here? Why don't we lookat each other's hands? No? No,
(04:21):
next, because usually it's pretty quick. Hey Eric, great job,
Hey Laura, great job? Greatjob? Worse? Okay, uh,
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(04:42):
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(06:11):
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Okay, all right, Eric,what is your host chat for this
(06:31):
Fine Day's second podcast of the week, show us your phone screw Now.
I saw this on a news feedand I thought it was so funny.
I couldn't believe that this was real. Paint the picture. So it comes
out of Florida, which can tellyou something. Yes, it certainly does.
(06:55):
A Florida woman named Crystal Methvin wasa for Crystal meth no way.
Wow. I thought that was thefunniest thing. That's sad that because her
parents are probably meth heads that namedher Crystal methn Ah, poor things.
(07:19):
See. I feel sad for becauseI know what that life is like.
But I was like, what arethe chances of that wow thing? Oh
my god? I just thought,Yeah, Florida woman named Crystal meth then
arrest possession of Crystal meth. Doyou have one more thing or can I'll
(07:40):
do my thing? No, youcan do your thing. Okay. I
was going through a list of things. I think it was like on Reddit
or something. People that have neverdone things that most people have done.
And I wrote down some things thatI've never done, and you're going to
be surprised. I've never seen NationalLampoon's Christmas Vacation. I don't know you
(08:03):
haven't. I know why not.I just haven't set aside the time to
watch it tonight. It's no.I can't believe we will watch it at
Christmas. Yeah, it's good.I can't believe you have never seen it.
It is so funny. I've neverseen Home Alone, another somewhat Christmasy
movie. You just heard the gaygass that I've never had a McDonald's hamburger.
(08:31):
I like McDonald's, don't get mewrong, and I do have in
and out burgers. I just havenever. I don't have anything against it,
it's just I don't I've never hada hamburger. You've never watched Friends.
I've never finished an episode of Friendsbecause I don't like it. I've
never seen an episode of Home Improvement. I haven't either. Okay, I've
(08:52):
never lived anywhere besides southern California.Me either, you either, Okay?
Like, is there something that youcan think of that you've never done that
most people have? Oh, Iknow something that you've I know something that
Eric has never done, and mostpeople have done this. I wonder if
you've done this, Leo. EricRimmer has never seen of a gene in
(09:18):
real life. I was gonna say, you have sex with a woman,
but no, he's never really,he's never seen a naked one in real
life, not from far away,not from up close nowhere. Never Leo
no, leo. Right here,there we go. You know what,
I'm going to break that right now. I'm just kidding. I was going
(09:39):
to drop dead of fright. Isthere anything else you can think of that
you've never done or seen or experiencethat you should have by now? I've
never paid my taxes. No,I'm just kidding. I've done all that
kind of stuff, all right.And here's something really stupid, okay,
and it supposedly works. It's ahappiness hack. I did a little video
(10:01):
on this and it's kind of dumb, but it might work. Does it
have anything similar to that HANDI fighting? Oh? Researchers came up with a
daily stress exercise for those of usthat have trouble meditating. I kind of
have trouble meditating because I just toomany things are going through my mind.
(10:22):
I too, there's a dog runningback and forth, you know what I
mean. There's too much chaos,and I just don't set aside the time
for myself like that. So youcan do this in twenty seconds. You
have twenty seconds, right, sure, Okay, So here's what you do.
Sometimes. I want you to thinkof something that's been bothering you.
Okay, close your eyes. Okay, put one hand on your chest,
(10:45):
one hand around your stomach, andgive yourself a big hug. Keep your
eyes closed and say, I'm goingto be a better friend to myself.
I'm going to be a better friendto myself. I love myself. I
love myself like I love the peoplein my life like I love the people
of my life. Open your eyes. Do that. Every day your stress
(11:09):
level is supposed to go down tothis. That is quite possibly the gayest
thing I've ever seen Eric do.It's pretty, but it's on paper and
it says researcher. So I'm notmaking this stuff up. A huge rainbow
flag right here. Well it's likeit says researcher. It must be real,
Michael, I think you're not makingup. I think somebody's making up.
(11:31):
Oh well, anyway, I likedit. I thought it was really
cute. What do you mean youdon't believe everything from the internet? All
right? Well, you know,what. We might as well get to
it real quick. I drew you, guys. I drew a picture of
you guys while sitting here because youleft to meet with a pad of paper.
I thought i'd show you guys.So you're doodling. Yeah, well,
I was doing a picture of thepodcast. Oh my gosh, I
have a feeling. I want toframe this. I think, is it?
(11:54):
Well, he wouldn't draw a dicklike you do. No, it's
not a dick. It's probably liketwo stick figures. One has two balls
on the top. On that.It's just your heads, your faces.
Oh my god, I can't wait. It's going to be okay, Okay,
Oh my god, I'm loving it. We look like we're like Grandma
(12:18):
and Grandpa for real. Look atmy crazy nose. I like the stubble
you put on Eric and good hairon Eric, bad hair on me.
Yeah, your crazy. This isa hot mess. I think that should
be That should be our logo,I think so. I think my god
that, Brian, can you workthat out to put that on mine?
(12:41):
Oh? That is amazing. Okay, I'm loving that. Who needs step
pictures? Dude? Oh my god, that's funny. Yours is good?
Mine? Was not, well,it's hard to draw women. Okay,
yeah, whatever, you just needto look more elegant. You didn't want
to love me that long enough todraw me. I was peering through my
fingers. Oh man, I wantto use that for our logo so bad.
(13:05):
Can you take a picture of thatand send it to me? Brian,
Oh yeah, the original excellent.So get a lot of mileage out
of that. Because of my lucrativeone dollars here, one dollars, they're
doing these various things that I said, why don't I just keep going on
this backstage dot com out. Ijust got an alert from backstage dot com
(13:31):
while we are on break about you. What are you talking about? I
read that you just got hired forMenopause MILFs the movie. Oh my god,
I would do it. I haveyour first headshot when you get from
there. Oh my god, that'dbe great. Okay, I sent you
(13:52):
a couple of my latest auditions.I'm waiting back to I'm waiting to hear
back from these. Uh huh,okay, give me a second. Okay,
I'll let you know if you're goingto hear back. One of them.
I had to spew out a wholebunch of momisms for like, like
if you if you keep your facelike that, it's gonna end up.
You know, if you keep thesmirk on your face, your face is
(14:13):
going to end up like that.Or you know, if you cross your
eyes, are going to stay outwith stuff like that, stuff like that.
So why did rattle off a bunchof you're gonna grow a hair in
your palms? Didn't you go there? Didn't go there? One of them,
I play an evangelist, a womanevangelist talking about God. I'm like
on stage, I have to bevery like ethereal. And then there's one
(14:37):
for skincare. So I don't knowwhich one's first. I don't know what.
Oh, and there's one. Oh, this will be interesting to you,
Brian, and you maybe Wes AndersonMovies. Yes, I had to
do a scene very short where Iplay the mom and I had to do
it Wes Anderson with a Wes Andersonvibe, which I wasn't quite sure what
(14:58):
that was. So you tell meif you think this is what it is.
It's very short. Okay, let'sdo these all right, Let's let's
go for it. Oh my god, isn't it Okay? We go Oh,
look at that, it's pretty.I just want what's best for you,
So wipe that sting face off andwash your hands and make sure you
shut the door, because I'm notheating the entire neighborhood. Okay, what
(15:20):
did you just say? I wouldhave been whipped across the behind with a
belt if I talked to my momlike that. And I hope we don't
kiss your father with that mouth,or me for that matter. What who's
party? Who's gonna be there?We're our pants be there? You better
let meet her name and number incase of an emergency. I just want
what's best for you, so callme when you get there. Wait,
what you're supposed to supply the snacksfor all your friends. I don't buy
(15:45):
snacks for your friends. I buythem for this family. And guess who's
gonna pick you up? Me?So I'm not running some late night taxi
service. So make sure you leavethat party at a reasonable hour. Oh,
Hayley's mom lets her stay up tillone o'clock in the morning. If
Haley's mom said to jump off abridge, would Haley jump off a bridge
too? Would you? For thatmatter? Someday when you have kids,
(16:07):
you'll understand what I'm up against here. Life isn't fair. Money doesn't grow
on trees. Stop rolling your eyesand smirking at me, because your face
is gonna stay that way. Weearn the face that we end up with,
and I love you more than anything. I can't hear it. You
couldn't hear it? Huh? Icould hear it? I couldn't hear it.
(16:30):
Is that because your headphones aren't long? No? I couldn't hear it
with him on, you should havebeen able to. Did you hear it?
Leah? It was pretty good.That was the Mommisms one where I
had to just spew off a bunchof moms. That was awful. Well,
okay, can you hear now?Well let's see if he can hear
this one again? Well no,no, no no, we're not gonna
(16:51):
play that one again, the nextone, the next one, and then
if he can't hear it, thenwe'll figure it out because he needs to
hear it. Here. He's minebecause I know what these t you know,
I just gotta preview the next one. I don't all right? Here
we go, okay, oh thisis a Wes Anderson one. Mm Abonleen
(17:19):
dearest, Is something the matter,my dearest? What on earth do you
mean? Well? Shall we fetchyou a doctor? Oh? He's down
over there? See very short andsweet? What was that? A Wes
(17:41):
Anderson ish? What is Wes andHave you ever seen a Wes Anderson movie?
Yes? But I don't really rememberwhat the vibe is? Is it
supposed to be like kind of dryhumor? Is it like wacky? What's
Wes Anderson? Yeah? It's wackydry humor and also like like over is
it exaggerated? It flowers in theair? Oh my god? You know
(18:07):
what? Can you plug and unplugmy my headphones? Like the head I'm
wearing erics now? So see ifthere's something because we should all be able
to hear these fantastic? Is thelittle there you go? Is a little
thing pushed on the road caster?Okay? Yes, I work the board
anyways? All right? That doyou want me to comment on that?
(18:30):
Of course I do. Oh youknow what? I may have stinky?
Oh I may know what? Okay, Okay on the third one, all
right, we'll just move on.Okay, you know what. I appreciate
your honest do whatever. I'm givingit my all. This may be the
evangelist, one of them. Iam, oh, no, this is
(18:51):
a skincare one. I think,oh, this is the evangelist. And
look at my nipples. You canalmost see my nipples. I'm so happy
to be here in Los Angeles.Can you all hear me? Okay?
How about those of you way upin the balcony. Well, if you
can't hear me, then how didyou know my question? I want to
(19:15):
speak to you tonight about something universal, something powerful, so ineffable it cannot
be contained with mere words. TheHoly Spirit, the Holy Ghost. You
skeptics think ghosts and spirits are poppytalk. You shall get your proof tonight.
(19:37):
I believe in miracles, and themiracles that happen tonight will not be
from Catherine Coleman. Oh no,they will be from God. I have
a deep personal relationship with the HolySpirit, an intimacy, intimacy into me.
See have you ever experienced true intimacy? Scripture asks are you willing to
(20:00):
give up family, friends, fields, houses, lands, loves, lives
to gain true life? I've paida price for my gift. What a
price? There was a cost formy anointing. I can take you to
the very spot, the very streetcorner where I died. I gave up
everything nice that I have the TVon in the back ground and high beams.
(20:29):
But but other than that, andthat thoughts terrible. Now why okay,
Brian, Okay, let me letme hear Eric's opinion. I just
want to know what lever I needto pull to be crushed by a safe
let me quickly. Is from myimmediate Jesus, okay, from my immute
(20:55):
reaction, this role is someone whois probably a little bit manipulative and probably
run some type of cult. Andwhen I picture that, you are the
last person I picture. It's nota role for you. No, it
just sounded like you're reading off acute cart. I mean, come on,
they are right, even have delivery. It's not a role for you.
(21:15):
Now, this one, I wassupposed to pretend like I'm talking to
friends about this new skincare, thisone. I think I might get this
one. Now, beat be nice. Oh God, I know, deal
with it. You're in this forthe long haul, buddy, I know.
Here we go. Must try cleanskincare product. This is formulated to
(21:41):
support cell turnover and smooth texture andeven complexion instantly. Plus it has a
superfruit source of vitamin C to helpnourish, heal, and glow up your
skin at the same time. Itotally get why it's one of the greatest
skincare products of all time. I'vebeen loving this product in my skincare routine
(22:03):
lately. I cannot recommend it enough. The instant results are amazing. Highly
highly recommend. Oh, now,listen, I talk to you like that?
You listen here, Eric, don'tI talk to you like that?
Wasn't that like conversational? That wasn'tbad, It wasn't great. It was
(22:26):
the best of the four. Yourcadence is a little odd. Look what
they're gonna look for, but whatit boils down to is not how good
of an actress. I thought abouttaking cooking classes cooking although you're just your
kids alf You're like, this isthe best skincare I have ever tried.
(22:49):
Like, do you think it wouldbe better if I had like the script
and I was just kind of doingthis, or that I had the teleprompter
app up? I think you probablyshould have practiced it. I don't have
time to do that. I haveto whip them out real quick. You
gotta commit to me an actress.If you want to know how I want
to be a voiceover person. Ijust want to make some extra you could
do that. You just you seemlike you're somebody who's acting, not someone
(23:11):
who's like trying to fill a role. Damn it. Well, I'm gonna
keep throwing these at you, andyou're gonna You're gonna be tortured. That's
part of being my friend. That'sthe grassy bear. When you guys live,
when you sleep in the same bedbecause you're old and retired, she's
still gonna be auditioning from the bed. Yeah, maybe we'll get one.
Maybe we'll get like a one together. Maybe we could do it a temper
(23:33):
pedic mattress add together. Yes,that would be fair. That actually would
be. I'd watched that, wouldyou. Okay, we could make we
could make a bunch of noise init, and people are just thinking,
like we're doing it, we're justgetting adjusted and where we're gonna sleep could
be funny. Actually, if thispodcast ever blows up, that would be
the greatest sponsor to add of alltime, wouldn't that be? That would
(23:56):
be a truly great one. Notif when okay, well, if you're
acting, career takes off when that'spodcasting. If you're acting, career takes
off all right, Now we're goingto play a game. You're like,
I need it harder, harder.We're just talking about the density of the
mattress. We're like super old,like, yeah, we'll have like liver
spots and yeah, just like justput it in. And you're you're talking
(24:18):
about him getting the like pillow andthe pillowcase or something. Shove it harder
on, get the tip over onthe slide. Soft. I don't like
how soft it is. Make itharder. It's not fitting in this it's
not fitting in the it's fitting thehole around the edges. Oh my god.
This is a new game I gotfrom Tamu. It's called Quick and
(24:41):
Dirty. I read you a sentenceand you have to and then I will
I will pull one from the blackpile and it'll say, what is uh
a color of a flower? Andthen I pull one from the white pile
and it's a letter, and youyou have to all out something that starts
(25:02):
with a why regarding the flower?Do you see what I'm saying? Yes,
I didn't explain that. Well.I feel very under pressure right now,
like really under pressure. I feellike I feel vulnerable. I feel
like I'm being looked at up anddown. We are looking all the way
around. I will say, Ifeel like I'm being very much judged right
(25:22):
now. I'm judging you for feelingjust caught meud. I know even you,
I see those eyes. I justwant to I just want to point
out with me and Eric ran theshow. Things were the hosting. The
hostsmanship was flawless. You mean whenEric was me and you were Eric?
Yeah? That was Did you watchit? You know why it was so
(25:44):
flawless because I ran the control.That was the only problem with the entire
show. Is you behind the controlthe best? That was the best Brian,
click click, and then the showstopped. I was dressed like Laura.
I was wearing a dress. Iput makeup on him and are yeah,
okay, now please Brian produce andplay a little music so we have
some production value, quick and dirtywith the money. The value is going
(26:10):
up as I raised the wall.Okay, here we go. The question
is or the sentences weird? Placeto be nude? Public the park?
Wait? No, no, no, starting with a T whose first grain
station? Brian gets a point,so this works. Telephone booth. It's
(26:30):
the first person, first person whoanswers, I get it, all right,
all right, here we go.Shameful addiction okay, starting with a
vagra, he went first, straightaddiction, sex addiction okay. Point point
(26:52):
not relevant to him, but it'sa real thing. Yeah, it's definitely
not relevant to me. We'd phobia, are railroads? Uh, racism,
(27:14):
radishes, rats, I'm rats.Come on, all right, I'll give
it to Brian, come on whatever. Well, I thought it was the
first one to answer. Confused answer, you're getting it, You're okay.
Bad thing to say during sex,starting with s stupid, stupid okay,
(27:37):
smell. Oh, I thought itwas the first person to answered. Now
he gets it. He does getit. Is stupid? Really something you
Yeah, this is stupid. Well, you're just like you're going to town.
You're like, this is stupid.That would be a bad thing to
say during sex. You can giveit to him. Yeah, you get
a point. It's I feel likeit's a little you're barely there, smelly.
(28:00):
He's pretty bad. All right.Place you find idiots lurking after dark?
Pe post office? Oh, pointgoes to Eric something gaze like,
dah, I'm gonna lose this one. N uh nightclubs. Oh good one.
(28:26):
The straight man gets it again?Wow? Do I have to give
my toaster back? Happen you loseyour gold star? I told you I'm
a horrible gay. I don't know, of course, crappy job. Oh
obstetrician orthopedic surgeons for Eric gets itbecause for him that would be horrific to
(28:48):
live. Worst sexual act. Llooking point goes to Brian more music.
Please, we need we need productionvalue on this because it's dry. Reason
you cry, okay killing killed?You were killing? I said killing.
(29:15):
Come on. Correct. Also,you're totally cheating because when you pulled up
Eric, get to see it beforeI get to see it. Well,
then you're not answering first because Idon't. I don't know. Okay,
get your head in the game.Your head the game. That's better,
Eric, Yes, mommy, andgive you a pep talk. You're going
to go out there and you're goingto entertain people. We're gonna have fun.
(29:38):
It's gonna be great. Get yourhead in the game. We're gonna
be a winner at this one.We're gonna get some great comments because of
the witty things that you got it. Coach let's go back on the field.
Yeah, why she jay jacking off? Ladies can't do that, Yes
(30:06):
you can, playing with the littleman in the boat and jacking is is
a man thing. I'm giving itto Eric because I know what he meant,
all right, all right, Iwas gonna say, Uh, I
mean, I don't know if youwere pummeling that thing for hours on end,
but it was. Is jacking aterm that is relevant to it?
I feel like the jacking is thecylinder hand shape with the up and down
(30:27):
motion while she was using a dillthough that's not jack, that would be
I'm just giving Eric the point,Okay, I don't want to talk about
it. Terrible music, and heof Eric stngks why it's not a thing?
I win Icelandic music. Maybe reallyYork, b York who you don't
(30:53):
know York is all right, Eric, all right, that sucks something you
regret. Huh. Hell helping Laurawith this show. You know what,
you don't get a point. Youdon't get a point for that one.
(31:15):
That's a even place you find prostitutes. Guh gas lamp bingo, uh contest.
I've never seen a prostitutent. Gaslamp are always outside the gas lamp
because there's too many cops in thegas lamp. Uh, you haven't.
(31:37):
You didn't think about high end prostitutes. Of course they are escorts. Those
aren't prostitutes. They're prostitutes. Now, I will say, being a native
San Diegan National City, have allthe real prostitutes. From what I've been
told by the cops. Eric,it's the point something boring, f farting,
(32:04):
that's fun, what you like?I admit it. Something boring,
cornicating that's not supposed to be boring. Uh fisting, I keep going,
what's boring? Funk fasting? Thereyou go. Funk isn't boring? Yeah?
(32:27):
Is I hate funk? Uh?Fasting is boring. I feel like
you're being biased here. You givethem all the Eric, now create please
place with crazy people. A couplemore rounds that we're done. E Uh
emergency room. Oh good one,Eric, good? One. Bad thing
(32:50):
to eat d donuts? I saidfirst it was tied a dick, like
a full half second before he said, it's not a bad thing to eat
to some of us. It issome of some of them sometimes like donuts,
they have creamy fillings. No,it's not a rare it's not.
It's not like a thing where weneed to take sides on. It's just
(33:13):
to all right, We'll do onemore and then we'll call bad place to
stick a penis. M got itfirst, bitch, I hate you know
(33:34):
what? No, not hand.I will not end on well, which
is ironically means the same thing asthe other one. I know, but
it's actually okay, kitchen with theone more and then we're done with this
things that happen in Vegas. Oneyou've just been give me ses Eric,
(33:58):
got it? One more at thisgame? Go damn is getting good?
Offensive word? Oh? Oh aahole? I think, like I said
it a hair faster, a littlebit asshole. One more. I want
to end on something like profound andfunny country that sucks. No, here
(34:22):
we go any Arizona, that's nota country. Canada, Canada, a
watchhead Canada, Canada? Askamn,Nigeria that's from Harry Potter, North Korea,
China, Russia. I get typeof horn. Here we go to.
(34:43):
This is where we're gonna end horn. Oh God, midget w No,
that's them, isn't it? Thew white white white woman? Yes,
women, I'm not accepting that womenwiddle people wiener be more creative.
(35:08):
What wizard wizard porn? Wizard porn. You're like, there you go,
How many types do you think thereare? To say? I heard that
if there is something that exists,that there's porn, that's rule thirty four.
But like that's not the same.You remember you remember the the the
(35:30):
what was it called the foot thatjust had the vagina in it? What
for people that were into like stumps, like a flesh light like a flesh
light, Yeah, like yes,it was in the shape of a foot.
Yes, for people that had likean ampi tee fetish. There was
a friend a long time ago.We were on our way to a party
(35:54):
and he didn't know how to dokind of lingis on a woman. So
this is so long ago. Sowe went to a sex store and bought
him a plastic or a rubber vaginathat was like fully anatomically correct, so
we could teach him about what thewell, listen that backfire. I showed
(36:17):
you how to do it on abanana. No, and I still am
not good at it. You knowwhat he was hoping, he was like,
you'd be like, oh, we'llshow you, and you did,
except you backfired. You took himto the sex store to get a fake
wid He's like the fuck, He'slike never, I don't want to know.
I bet he knew what you coulddo. One more, I'll do
one more. Lame city, mMinnesota. That's not a city, mass
(36:47):
that's not Miami. That's not lame. It depends on your definition. It's
a spring break city. The MissionValley suck it, I said, Mission
ve Aho. Whats the difference?They're both nice, I know, but
it was the first thing that poppedin my head. I don't know,
even modesto someone who's cheap. Finallygive me an e. Come on,
(37:14):
please just look at the e.Why you h Yeah, all right,
fine, fine, that's a hardone. I'm the least cheap person.
Unfortunately I'm too not cheap. Ishould be cheaper. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. All right,you guys, Uh, it was a
(37:34):
fun game. I know once yougot into it. Once you got into
it, you were kind of slow. But the talk after the pep talk,
yeah, I started kicking my ass. Sometimes you just need to finger
me to get me to well,you know what I mean. No,
I don't please explain it to me. I was trying to be like all
cool, all right, let meelaborate on that. We're still you know
(37:59):
what, no putting it out inthe universe. We're having a party May
twenty fourth, on Friday, mybirthday, at Saquan. Okay, I'll
go yet give you Atquan. CanaReeves will be there. He's gonna present
me with my sixteenth signed I loveit piece of merch. I love it.
We might have other celebrities to showup. Who knows. Tom Cruise
will be there, Harrison Ford willbe there, Brian's anniversary, Laura sixty
(38:21):
yes, sixty second. Just letme be in my fifties for a little
while longer, thank you well,but once by the time you're seven,
I mean next year you'll be like, what seventies? Can we like?
Can I do a little CBT onhim? CBT? That's a drug.
It's a talk and ball torture.Hello that wait, you want to do
(38:43):
that to our son? Yeah?What the that is? That is?
Because something vicious horror? Every week, pornca You're so mean to me.
Every week Laura gets gets caught sayingsome weird sex even I don't want to
see that. Okay, what wasit? Let's she say last week?
I said a porn thing last week? Yeah, last week that you were
like, what was it? Youremember me? Nor I said something naughty?
(39:07):
Yeah? Did I mean to Probably? I'm an in flower. I'm
what Leo said, I'm like adelicate, innocent, fragile one in God's
garden. In God's garden? Didsay innocent? I don't think. I
don't know, but I'm getting I'mlifting I'm lifting this down and it's money
ring tone. Okay, just topump me up every day. She never
(39:27):
answers her phone again because she justgets off to listening. Oh my god,
what did you just remember? Gotit? What from what you just
said? Just got what? Thatcan be the tagline for your dating site.
Get a pen. Okay, writethis down verbatim. Okay, just
(39:52):
pump me every day. Write thatdown, Laura, you heard him.
You are ridiculous. I was expectingsomething a little more inspiration. I was
too. I really was like,I I love that you got your pet
out. I think that was themost glorious thing ever. You know me,
You know I believe everything. Ibelieve in the best in everyone,
(40:13):
and you do this to me onpurpose. You're a little snakes. I've
got one. I've got one.What write this down? Everyone is so
mean to me anyway. I loveall you guys for listening and watching very
much. I always have, Ialways will, and I know Eric does
too. He's just being a littlebrat. Now. I'm not taken that
(40:34):
tonight, I do. I've nottaken that tonight. I'm not accepting it.
You better because you didn't act it. You know what, actions speak
louder than words. I love you, that is. It wasn't even authentic.
Say it like you mean it.I love you. No, see
those eyes they're fake. They're fake. He's fake. He's being fake.
I'm not. I love you.Okay, I'm obligated to defend him on
(40:58):
every account tonight. So, ohmy god. All right, uh,
love you guys so much. Andfinally, love your podcast. Love your
podcast. Love you, and Ilove you. I love you, Thank
you. That was not heartfelt?Right here? One more? Why are
(41:22):
we back? Why did you talkabout on the camera? I did?
I said, I said, loveyour podcast, love your podcast, buyer,
sweet babies. There we go,and then you made out with me
I love how Elvis is always partof the Thursday podcast. He loves it
right here on the couch. Hello. Hello, It's Laura Kane after dark
and I've made a decision already justlooking at our monitor. This is Eric
Rimmer, by the way, myfabulous co host, who I love so
much. I love you so much. Producer Brian on the other side of
(00:35):
the screen. Hi, producer,this hat looks stupid. Why didn't you
tell me it looks stupid? Whotold you it looked good? I know,
but that wasn't true. I don'tthink bucket I think bucket hats rarely
look good on people. Heileo,hilee O. Leo's in the audience.
(00:57):
Leo has been here at my house. He spent the night, like four
nights. Jesus. He's the bestguy ever. He's so positive. I
know. Well shut up, Okay, So you guys, I have been
doing some more auditions on my backstagedot com account. I would like to
(01:18):
announce that I did get a onehundred dollars UGC social media gig user generated
content. They sent me the product. It's for menopause. It's like a
menopause pill. You're done, thatbitch. Oh my gosh. So I
have to create like these videos.And then I also got another gig that's
(01:42):
similar that pays like one hundred dollarsperiod. And I have to take a
picture period. I have to takea picture of myself wearing an ill fitted
bra looking sad like. And thenI have to take b roll of me
wearing this bra they're sending me that'sgoing to make me. We're happy.
Look, my postures better, myboobs look better because of this fabulous FROs.
(02:05):
So you're selling out your body already. Wow. For the most part,
yes, I'm not showing anything.It starts the softcore porn, then
it goes to the hardcore yep,yep. I'm really hoping to get one
of these gigs that I'm about toshow you, and I'd be in like
a Hustler Milk video in no time. Those are not the ones that I
(02:27):
go for. I go for ones, I go for voiceovers, I go
for small bit parts, moms,I do my age range. I'm not
trying to play a thirty year oldlike or anything like that. I'm serious
about this and I'm serious about theseauditions, and I seriously want you guys
to give me your honest feedback.Okay, done, don't be mean just
(02:50):
to be nasty, I won't.Yeah, right, okay, before Eric
has something that he wants to tellus before we get to the auditions,
something real quick, before we getto our responsors. By the way,
that's my roommate Marie, her mom'sin town. Okay. Has this ever
(03:10):
happened to you where you try togive somebody a high five and it just
completely fails, like you hit theirside of their hand. You're like,
wait, that was bad. Nope, okay have you Oh? Yeah,
well I have the trick on howto give a perfect high five every single
time. Are we going to doit on the show? Yes? We
are. Okay. The trick isyou look at the other person's elbow and
(03:36):
it'll you get You will get thatsmacking right in the middle of the palm
sound. I'm gonna try it.Sure, Okay, How how badly could
this go? Okay? Eric?Yes, great show on Monday and Tuesday.
You guys it. I know hedidn't properly. He didn't really look
(03:57):
at my elbow. Let's do itagain, you said elbow. I know
you your listener. We bring youhigh quality content such as how to Hi,
did look at your elbow? Eric? You know what? Good job
on being such a good person.Thank you. It still sucks. It
does not work looking at someone's elbow. Are you supposed to? Next?
Bit here? Why don't we lookat each other's hands? No? No,
(04:21):
next, because usually it's pretty quick. Hey Eric, great job,
Hey Laura, great job? Greatjob? Worse? Okay, uh,
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Okay, all right, Eric,what is your host chat for this
(06:31):
Fine Day's second podcast of the week, show us your phone screw Now.
I saw this on a news feedand I thought it was so funny.
I couldn't believe that this was real. Paint the picture. So it comes
out of Florida, which can tellyou something. Yes, it certainly does.
(06:55):
A Florida woman named Crystal Methvin wasa for Crystal meth no way.
Wow. I thought that was thefunniest thing. That's sad that because her
parents are probably meth heads that namedher Crystal methn Ah, poor things.
(07:19):
See. I feel sad for becauseI know what that life is like.
But I was like, what arethe chances of that wow thing? Oh
my god? I just thought,Yeah, Florida woman named Crystal meth then
arrest possession of Crystal meth. Doyou have one more thing or can I'll
(07:40):
do my thing? No, youcan do your thing. Okay. I
was going through a list of things. I think it was like on Reddit
or something. People that have neverdone things that most people have done.
And I wrote down some things thatI've never done, and you're going to
be surprised. I've never seen NationalLampoon's Christmas Vacation. I don't know you
(08:03):
haven't. I know why not.I just haven't set aside the time to
watch it tonight. It's no.I can't believe we will watch it at
Christmas. Yeah, it's good.I can't believe you have never seen it.
It is so funny. I've neverseen Home Alone, another somewhat Christmasy
movie. You just heard the gaygass that I've never had a McDonald's hamburger.
(08:31):
I like McDonald's, don't get mewrong, and I do have in
and out burgers. I just havenever. I don't have anything against it,
it's just I don't I've never hada hamburger. You've never watched Friends.
I've never finished an episode of Friendsbecause I don't like it. I've
never seen an episode of Home Improvement. I haven't either. Okay, I've
(08:52):
never lived anywhere besides southern California.Me either, you either, Okay?
Like, is there something that youcan think of that you've never done that
most people have? Oh, Iknow something that you've I know something that
Eric has never done, and mostpeople have done this. I wonder if
you've done this, Leo. EricRimmer has never seen of a gene in
(09:18):
real life. I was gonna say, you have sex with a woman,
but no, he's never really,he's never seen a naked one in real
life, not from far away,not from up close nowhere. Never Leo
no, leo. Right here,there we go. You know what,
I'm going to break that right now. I'm just kidding. I was going
(09:39):
to drop dead of fright. Isthere anything else you can think of that
you've never done or seen or experiencethat you should have by now? I've
never paid my taxes. No,I'm just kidding. I've done all that
kind of stuff, all right.And here's something really stupid, okay,
and it supposedly works. It's ahappiness hack. I did a little video
(10:01):
on this and it's kind of dumb, but it might work. Does it
have anything similar to that HANDI fighting? Oh? Researchers came up with a
daily stress exercise for those of usthat have trouble meditating. I kind of
have trouble meditating because I just toomany things are going through my mind.
(10:22):
I too, there's a dog runningback and forth, you know what I
mean. There's too much chaos,and I just don't set aside the time
for myself like that. So youcan do this in twenty seconds. You
have twenty seconds, right, sure, Okay, So here's what you do.
Sometimes. I want you to thinkof something that's been bothering you.
Okay, close your eyes. Okay, put one hand on your chest,
(10:45):
one hand around your stomach, andgive yourself a big hug. Keep your
eyes closed and say, I'm goingto be a better friend to myself.
I'm going to be a better friendto myself. I love myself. I
love myself like I love the peoplein my life like I love the people
of my life. Open your eyes. Do that. Every day your stress
(11:09):
level is supposed to go down tothis. That is quite possibly the gayest
thing I've ever seen Eric do.It's pretty, but it's on paper and
it says researcher. So I'm notmaking this stuff up. A huge rainbow
flag right here. Well it's likeit says researcher. It must be real,
Michael, I think you're not makingup. I think somebody's making up.
(11:31):
Oh well, anyway, I likedit. I thought it was really
cute. What do you mean youdon't believe everything from the internet? All
right? Well, you know,what. We might as well get to
it real quick. I drew you, guys. I drew a picture of
you guys while sitting here because youleft to meet with a pad of paper.
I thought i'd show you guys.So you're doodling. Yeah, well,
I was doing a picture of thepodcast. Oh my gosh, I
have a feeling. I want toframe this. I think, is it?
(11:54):
Well, he wouldn't draw a dicklike you do. No, it's
not a dick. It's probably liketwo stick figures. One has two balls
on the top. On that.It's just your heads, your faces.
Oh my god, I can't wait. It's going to be okay, Okay,
Oh my god, I'm loving it. We look like we're like Grandma
(12:18):
and Grandpa for real. Look atmy crazy nose. I like the stubble
you put on Eric and good hairon Eric, bad hair on me.
Yeah, your crazy. This isa hot mess. I think that should
be That should be our logo,I think so. I think my god
that, Brian, can you workthat out to put that on mine?
(12:41):
Oh? That is amazing. Okay, I'm loving that. Who needs step
pictures? Dude? Oh my god, that's funny. Yours is good?
Mine? Was not, well,it's hard to draw women. Okay,
yeah, whatever, you just needto look more elegant. You didn't want
to love me that long enough todraw me. I was peering through my
fingers. Oh man, I wantto use that for our logo so bad.
(13:05):
Can you take a picture of thatand send it to me? Brian,
Oh yeah, the original excellent.So get a lot of mileage out
of that. Because of my lucrativeone dollars here, one dollars, they're
doing these various things that I said, why don't I just keep going on
this backstage dot com out. Ijust got an alert from backstage dot com
(13:31):
while we are on break about you. What are you talking about? I
read that you just got hired forMenopause MILFs the movie. Oh my god,
I would do it. I haveyour first headshot when you get from
there. Oh my god, that'dbe great. Okay, I sent you
(13:52):
a couple of my latest auditions.I'm waiting back to I'm waiting to hear
back from these. Uh huh,okay, give me a second. Okay,
I'll let you know if you're goingto hear back. One of them.
I had to spew out a wholebunch of momisms for like, like
if you if you keep your facelike that, it's gonna end up.
You know, if you keep thesmirk on your face, your face is
(14:13):
going to end up like that.Or you know, if you cross your
eyes, are going to stay outwith stuff like that, stuff like that.
So why did rattle off a bunchof you're gonna grow a hair in
your palms? Didn't you go there? Didn't go there? One of them,
I play an evangelist, a womanevangelist talking about God. I'm like
on stage, I have to bevery like ethereal. And then there's one
(14:37):
for skincare. So I don't knowwhich one's first. I don't know what.
Oh, and there's one. Oh, this will be interesting to you,
Brian, and you maybe Wes AndersonMovies. Yes, I had to
do a scene very short where Iplay the mom and I had to do
it Wes Anderson with a Wes Andersonvibe, which I wasn't quite sure what
(14:58):
that was. So you tell meif you think this is what it is.
It's very short. Okay, let'sdo these all right, Let's let's
go for it. Oh my god, isn't it Okay? We go Oh,
look at that, it's pretty.I just want what's best for you,
So wipe that sting face off andwash your hands and make sure you
shut the door, because I'm notheating the entire neighborhood. Okay, what
(15:20):
did you just say? I wouldhave been whipped across the behind with a
belt if I talked to my momlike that. And I hope we don't
kiss your father with that mouth,or me for that matter. What who's
party? Who's gonna be there?We're our pants be there? You better
let meet her name and number incase of an emergency. I just want
what's best for you, so callme when you get there. Wait,
what you're supposed to supply the snacksfor all your friends. I don't buy
(15:45):
snacks for your friends. I buythem for this family. And guess who's
gonna pick you up? Me?So I'm not running some late night taxi
service. So make sure you leavethat party at a reasonable hour. Oh,
Hayley's mom lets her stay up tillone o'clock in the morning. If
Haley's mom said to jump off abridge, would Haley jump off a bridge
too? Would you? For thatmatter? Someday when you have kids,
(16:07):
you'll understand what I'm up against here. Life isn't fair. Money doesn't grow
on trees. Stop rolling your eyesand smirking at me, because your face
is gonna stay that way. Weearn the face that we end up with,
and I love you more than anything. I can't hear it. You
couldn't hear it? Huh? Icould hear it? I couldn't hear it.
(16:30):
Is that because your headphones aren't long? No? I couldn't hear it
with him on, you should havebeen able to. Did you hear it?
Leah? It was pretty good.That was the Mommisms one where I
had to just spew off a bunchof moms. That was awful. Well,
okay, can you hear now?Well let's see if he can hear
this one again? Well no,no, no no, we're not gonna
(16:51):
play that one again, the nextone, the next one, and then
if he can't hear it, thenwe'll figure it out because he needs to
hear it. Here. He's minebecause I know what these t you know,
I just gotta preview the next one. I don't all right? Here
we go, okay, oh thisis a Wes Anderson one. Mm Abonleen
(17:19):
dearest, Is something the matter,my dearest? What on earth do you
mean? Well? Shall we fetchyou a doctor? Oh? He's down
over there? See very short andsweet? What was that? A Wes
(17:41):
Anderson ish? What is Wes andHave you ever seen a Wes Anderson movie?
Yes? But I don't really rememberwhat the vibe is? Is it
supposed to be like kind of dryhumor? Is it like wacky? What's
Wes Anderson? Yeah? It's wackydry humor and also like like over is
it exaggerated? It flowers in theair? Oh my god? You know
(18:07):
what? Can you plug and unplugmy my headphones? Like the head I'm
wearing erics now? So see ifthere's something because we should all be able
to hear these fantastic? Is thelittle there you go? Is a little
thing pushed on the road caster?Okay? Yes, I work the board
anyways? All right? That doyou want me to comment on that?
(18:30):
Of course I do. Oh youknow what? I may have stinky?
Oh I may know what? Okay, Okay on the third one, all
right, we'll just move on.Okay, you know what. I appreciate
your honest do whatever. I'm givingit my all. This may be the
evangelist, one of them. Iam, oh, no, this is
(18:51):
a skincare one. I think,oh, this is the evangelist. And
look at my nipples. You canalmost see my nipples. I'm so happy
to be here in Los Angeles.Can you all hear me? Okay?
How about those of you way upin the balcony. Well, if you
can't hear me, then how didyou know my question? I want to
(19:15):
speak to you tonight about something universal, something powerful, so ineffable it cannot
be contained with mere words. TheHoly Spirit, the Holy Ghost. You
skeptics think ghosts and spirits are poppytalk. You shall get your proof tonight.
(19:37):
I believe in miracles, and themiracles that happen tonight will not be
from Catherine Coleman. Oh no,they will be from God. I have
a deep personal relationship with the HolySpirit, an intimacy, intimacy into me.
See have you ever experienced true intimacy? Scripture asks are you willing to
(20:00):
give up family, friends, fields, houses, lands, loves, lives
to gain true life? I've paida price for my gift. What a
price? There was a cost formy anointing. I can take you to
the very spot, the very streetcorner where I died. I gave up
everything nice that I have the TVon in the back ground and high beams.
(20:29):
But but other than that, andthat thoughts terrible. Now why okay,
Brian, Okay, let me letme hear Eric's opinion. I just
want to know what lever I needto pull to be crushed by a safe
let me quickly. Is from myimmediate Jesus, okay, from my immute
(20:55):
reaction, this role is someone whois probably a little bit manipulative and probably
run some type of cult. Andwhen I picture that, you are the
last person I picture. It's nota role for you. No, it
just sounded like you're reading off acute cart. I mean, come on,
they are right, even have delivery. It's not a role for you.
(21:15):
Now, this one, I wassupposed to pretend like I'm talking to
friends about this new skincare, thisone. I think I might get this
one. Now, beat be nice. Oh God, I know, deal
with it. You're in this forthe long haul, buddy, I know.
Here we go. Must try cleanskincare product. This is formulated to
(21:41):
support cell turnover and smooth texture andeven complexion instantly. Plus it has a
superfruit source of vitamin C to helpnourish, heal, and glow up your
skin at the same time. Itotally get why it's one of the greatest
skincare products of all time. I'vebeen loving this product in my skincare routine
(22:03):
lately. I cannot recommend it enough. The instant results are amazing. Highly
highly recommend. Oh, now,listen, I talk to you like that?
You listen here, Eric, don'tI talk to you like that?
Wasn't that like conversational? That wasn'tbad, It wasn't great. It was
(22:26):
the best of the four. Yourcadence is a little odd. Look what
they're gonna look for, but whatit boils down to is not how good
of an actress. I thought abouttaking cooking classes cooking although you're just your
kids alf You're like, this isthe best skincare I have ever tried.
(22:49):
Like, do you think it wouldbe better if I had like the script
and I was just kind of doingthis, or that I had the teleprompter
app up? I think you probablyshould have practiced it. I don't have
time to do that. I haveto whip them out real quick. You
gotta commit to me an actress.If you want to know how I want
to be a voiceover person. Ijust want to make some extra you could
do that. You just you seemlike you're somebody who's acting, not someone
(23:11):
who's like trying to fill a role. Damn it. Well, I'm gonna
keep throwing these at you, andyou're gonna You're gonna be tortured. That's
part of being my friend. That'sthe grassy bear. When you guys live,
when you sleep in the same bedbecause you're old and retired, she's
still gonna be auditioning from the bed. Yeah, maybe we'll get one.
Maybe we'll get like a one together. Maybe we could do it a temper
(23:33):
pedic mattress add together. Yes,that would be fair. That actually would
be. I'd watched that, wouldyou. Okay, we could make we
could make a bunch of noise init, and people are just thinking,
like we're doing it, we're justgetting adjusted and where we're gonna sleep could
be funny. Actually, if thispodcast ever blows up, that would be
the greatest sponsor to add of alltime, wouldn't that be? That would
(23:56):
be a truly great one. Notif when okay, well, if you're
acting, career takes off when that'spodcasting. If you're acting, career takes
off all right, Now we're goingto play a game. You're like,
I need it harder, harder.We're just talking about the density of the
mattress. We're like super old,like, yeah, we'll have like liver
spots and yeah, just like justput it in. And you're you're talking
(24:18):
about him getting the like pillow andthe pillowcase or something. Shove it harder
on, get the tip over onthe slide. Soft. I don't like
how soft it is. Make itharder. It's not fitting in this it's
not fitting in the it's fitting thehole around the edges. Oh my god.
This is a new game I gotfrom Tamu. It's called Quick and
(24:41):
Dirty. I read you a sentenceand you have to and then I will
I will pull one from the blackpile and it'll say, what is uh
a color of a flower? Andthen I pull one from the white pile
and it's a letter, and youyou have to all out something that starts
(25:02):
with a why regarding the flower?Do you see what I'm saying? Yes,
I didn't explain that. Well.I feel very under pressure right now,
like really under pressure. I feellike I feel vulnerable. I feel
like I'm being looked at up anddown. We are looking all the way
around. I will say, Ifeel like I'm being very much judged right
(25:22):
now. I'm judging you for feelingjust caught meud. I know even you,
I see those eyes. I justwant to I just want to point
out with me and Eric ran theshow. Things were the hosting. The
hostsmanship was flawless. You mean whenEric was me and you were Eric?
Yeah? That was Did you watchit? You know why it was so
(25:44):
flawless because I ran the control.That was the only problem with the entire
show. Is you behind the controlthe best? That was the best Brian,
click click, and then the showstopped. I was dressed like Laura.
I was wearing a dress. Iput makeup on him and are yeah,
okay, now please Brian produce andplay a little music so we have
some production value, quick and dirtywith the money. The value is going
(26:10):
up as I raised the wall.Okay, here we go. The question
is or the sentences weird? Placeto be nude? Public the park?
Wait? No, no, no, starting with a T whose first grain
station? Brian gets a point,so this works. Telephone booth. It's
(26:30):
the first person, first person whoanswers, I get it, all right,
all right, here we go.Shameful addiction okay, starting with a
vagra, he went first, straightaddiction, sex addiction okay. Point point
(26:52):
not relevant to him, but it'sa real thing. Yeah, it's definitely
not relevant to me. We'd phobia, are railroads? Uh, racism,
(27:14):
radishes, rats, I'm rats.Come on, all right, I'll give
it to Brian, come on whatever. Well, I thought it was the
first one to answer. Confused answer, you're getting it, You're okay.
Bad thing to say during sex,starting with s stupid, stupid okay,
(27:37):
smell. Oh, I thought itwas the first person to answered. Now
he gets it. He does getit. Is stupid? Really something you
Yeah, this is stupid. Well, you're just like you're going to town.
You're like, this is stupid.That would be a bad thing to
say during sex. You can giveit to him. Yeah, you get
a point. It's I feel likeit's a little you're barely there, smelly.
(28:00):
He's pretty bad. All right.Place you find idiots lurking after dark?
Pe post office? Oh, pointgoes to Eric something gaze like,
dah, I'm gonna lose this one. N uh nightclubs. Oh good one.
(28:26):
The straight man gets it again?Wow? Do I have to give
my toaster back? Happen you loseyour gold star? I told you I'm
a horrible gay. I don't know, of course, crappy job. Oh
obstetrician orthopedic surgeons for Eric gets itbecause for him that would be horrific to
(28:48):
live. Worst sexual act. Llooking point goes to Brian more music.
Please, we need we need productionvalue on this because it's dry. Reason
you cry, okay killing killed?You were killing? I said killing.
(29:15):
Come on. Correct. Also,you're totally cheating because when you pulled up
Eric, get to see it beforeI get to see it. Well,
then you're not answering first because Idon't. I don't know. Okay,
get your head in the game.Your head the game. That's better,
Eric, Yes, mommy, andgive you a pep talk. You're going
to go out there and you're goingto entertain people. We're gonna have fun.
(29:38):
It's gonna be great. Get yourhead in the game. We're gonna
be a winner at this one.We're gonna get some great comments because of
the witty things that you got it. Coach let's go back on the field.
Yeah, why she jay jacking off? Ladies can't do that, Yes
(30:06):
you can, playing with the littleman in the boat and jacking is is
a man thing. I'm giving itto Eric because I know what he meant,
all right, all right, Iwas gonna say, Uh, I
mean, I don't know if youwere pummeling that thing for hours on end,
but it was. Is jacking aterm that is relevant to it?
I feel like the jacking is thecylinder hand shape with the up and down
(30:27):
motion while she was using a dillthough that's not jack, that would be
I'm just giving Eric the point,Okay, I don't want to talk about
it. Terrible music, and heof Eric stngks why it's not a thing?
I win Icelandic music. Maybe reallyYork, b York who you don't
(30:53):
know York is all right, Eric, all right, that sucks something you
regret. Huh. Hell helping Laurawith this show. You know what,
you don't get a point. Youdon't get a point for that one.
(31:15):
That's a even place you find prostitutes. Guh gas lamp bingo, uh contest.
I've never seen a prostitutent. Gaslamp are always outside the gas lamp
because there's too many cops in thegas lamp. Uh, you haven't.
(31:37):
You didn't think about high end prostitutes. Of course they are escorts. Those
aren't prostitutes. They're prostitutes. Now, I will say, being a native
San Diegan National City, have allthe real prostitutes. From what I've been
told by the cops. Eric,it's the point something boring, f farting,
(32:04):
that's fun, what you like?I admit it. Something boring,
cornicating that's not supposed to be boring. Uh fisting, I keep going,
what's boring? Funk fasting? Thereyou go. Funk isn't boring? Yeah?
(32:27):
Is I hate funk? Uh?Fasting is boring. I feel like
you're being biased here. You givethem all the Eric, now create please
place with crazy people. A couplemore rounds that we're done. E Uh
emergency room. Oh good one,Eric, good? One. Bad thing
(32:50):
to eat d donuts? I saidfirst it was tied a dick, like
a full half second before he said, it's not a bad thing to eat
to some of us. It issome of some of them sometimes like donuts,
they have creamy fillings. No,it's not a rare it's not.
It's not like a thing where weneed to take sides on. It's just
(33:13):
to all right, We'll do onemore and then we'll call bad place to
stick a penis. M got itfirst, bitch, I hate you know
(33:34):
what? No, not hand.I will not end on well, which
is ironically means the same thing asthe other one. I know, but
it's actually okay, kitchen with theone more and then we're done with this
things that happen in Vegas. Oneyou've just been give me ses Eric,
(33:58):
got it? One more at thisgame? Go damn is getting good?
Offensive word? Oh? Oh aahole? I think, like I said
it a hair faster, a littlebit asshole. One more. I want
to end on something like profound andfunny country that sucks. No, here
(34:22):
we go any Arizona, that's nota country. Canada, Canada, a
watchhead Canada, Canada? Askamn,Nigeria that's from Harry Potter, North Korea,
China, Russia. I get typeof horn. Here we go to.
(34:43):
This is where we're gonna end horn. Oh God, midget w No,
that's them, isn't it? Thew white white white woman? Yes,
women, I'm not accepting that womenwiddle people wiener be more creative.
(35:08):
What wizard wizard porn? Wizard porn. You're like, there you go,
How many types do you think thereare? To say? I heard that
if there is something that exists,that there's porn, that's rule thirty four.
But like that's not the same.You remember you remember the the the
(35:30):
what was it called the foot thatjust had the vagina in it? What
for people that were into like stumps, like a flesh light like a flesh
light, Yeah, like yes,it was in the shape of a foot.
Yes, for people that had likean ampi tee fetish. There was
a friend a long time ago.We were on our way to a party
(35:54):
and he didn't know how to dokind of lingis on a woman. So
this is so long ago. Sowe went to a sex store and bought
him a plastic or a rubber vaginathat was like fully anatomically correct, so
we could teach him about what thewell, listen that backfire. I showed
(36:17):
you how to do it on abanana. No, and I still am
not good at it. You knowwhat he was hoping, he was like,
you'd be like, oh, we'llshow you, and you did,
except you backfired. You took himto the sex store to get a fake
wid He's like the fuck, He'slike never, I don't want to know.
I bet he knew what you coulddo. One more, I'll do
one more. Lame city, mMinnesota. That's not a city, mass
(36:47):
that's not Miami. That's not lame. It depends on your definition. It's
a spring break city. The MissionValley suck it, I said, Mission
ve Aho. Whats the difference?They're both nice, I know, but
it was the first thing that poppedin my head. I don't know,
even modesto someone who's cheap. Finallygive me an e. Come on,
(37:14):
please just look at the e.Why you h Yeah, all right,
fine, fine, that's a hardone. I'm the least cheap person.
Unfortunately I'm too not cheap. Ishould be cheaper. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. All right,you guys, Uh, it was a
(37:34):
fun game. I know once yougot into it. Once you got into
it, you were kind of slow. But the talk after the pep talk,
yeah, I started kicking my ass. Sometimes you just need to finger
me to get me to well,you know what I mean. No,
I don't please explain it to me. I was trying to be like all
cool, all right, let meelaborate on that. We're still you know
(37:59):
what, no putting it out inthe universe. We're having a party May
twenty fourth, on Friday, mybirthday, at Saquan. Okay, I'll
go yet give you Atquan. CanaReeves will be there. He's gonna present
me with my sixteenth signed I loveit piece of merch. I love it.
We might have other celebrities to showup. Who knows. Tom Cruise
will be there, Harrison Ford willbe there, Brian's anniversary, Laura sixty
(38:21):
yes, sixty second. Just letme be in my fifties for a little
while longer, thank you well,but once by the time you're seven,
I mean next year you'll be like, what seventies? Can we like?
Can I do a little CBT onhim? CBT? That's a drug.
It's a talk and ball torture.Hello that wait, you want to do
(38:43):
that to our son? Yeah?What the that is? That is?
Because something vicious horror? Every week, pornca You're so mean to me.
Every week Laura gets gets caught sayingsome weird sex even I don't want to
see that. Okay, what wasit? Let's she say last week?
I said a porn thing last week? Yeah, last week that you were
like, what was it? Youremember me? Nor I said something naughty?
(39:07):
Yeah? Did I mean to Probably? I'm an in flower. I'm
what Leo said, I'm like adelicate, innocent, fragile one in God's
garden. In God's garden? Didsay innocent? I don't think. I
don't know, but I'm getting I'mlifting I'm lifting this down and it's money
ring tone. Okay, just topump me up every day. She never
(39:27):
answers her phone again because she justgets off to listening. Oh my god,
what did you just remember? Gotit? What from what you just
said? Just got what? Thatcan be the tagline for your dating site.
Get a pen. Okay, writethis down verbatim. Okay, just
(39:52):
pump me every day. Write thatdown, Laura, you heard him.
You are ridiculous. I was expectingsomething a little more inspiration. I was
too. I really was like,I I love that you got your pet
out. I think that was themost glorious thing ever. You know me,
You know I believe everything. Ibelieve in the best in everyone,
(40:13):
and you do this to me onpurpose. You're a little snakes. I've
got one. I've got one.What write this down? Everyone is so
mean to me anyway. I loveall you guys for listening and watching very
much. I always have, Ialways will, and I know Eric does
too. He's just being a littlebrat. Now. I'm not taken that
(40:34):
tonight, I do. I've nottaken that tonight. I'm not accepting it.
You better because you didn't act it. You know what, actions speak
louder than words. I love you, that is. It wasn't even authentic.
Say it like you mean it.I love you. No, see
those eyes they're fake. They're fake. He's fake. He's being fake.
I'm not. I love you.Okay, I'm obligated to defend him on
(40:58):
every account tonight. So, ohmy god. All right, uh,
love you guys so much. Andfinally, love your podcast. Love your
podcast. Love you, and Ilove you. I love you, Thank
you. That was not heartfelt?Right here? One more? Why are
(41:22):
we back? Why did you talkabout on the camera? I did?
I said, I said, loveyour podcast, love your podcast, buyer,
sweet babies. There we go,and then you made out with me
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