Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I actually heard a popping sound. It's one more thing.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I'm one more thing that's happened to me a couple
of times in my life, and it's not been good.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
This one was inside my brain, which I guess could
be bad too, if it's an aneurysm or something. But
i'll explain the popping sound. So yesterday, back in August,
was a nineteen year anniversary of me stopping drinking. I'm
an alcoholic. Yesterday was the twentieth anniversary. As you know
(00:31):
now every day it goes by, it's the twentieth January
as we record, this eighth that I've been sober, even
though it happened about twenty old. I know, no kidding happened.
But so yesterday was the twenty year anniversary of me
losing my desire to drink alcohol completely. And I'll explain
how it happened that day. And I don't understand it.
(00:54):
It makes no sense to me. If I heard somebody
else talk about it, I would think they were a crackpot.
I if you know me, I'm not the kind of
person that believes this sort of crap. But this is
what happened to me.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
So here you go.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
I think I've told this story before, but I'll totally
get so. I was exactly five months sober Gladys twenty
years ago. I was exactly five months sober, just coincidentally
when I headed out on a vacation. Now I happened
to be going to Russia on vacations, but don't get
distracted by that. That's really got nothing to do with
the story. But that's where I was going. And I
was a little worried because if you're a drinker, vacationing
(01:27):
and drinking like really fit together hand in glove. Yes,
I mean, an airport is just a giant bar with planes.
Really always had been for me, and I was a
little concerned about that, but I was feeling so solid
after five months. I wasn't really worried about it or
whatever for whatever reason.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
And luckily, there's like no alcohol in Russia. Drinking's not
a thing.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
I'd had a few I'd really like to drink during
the previous five months, but it hadn't really been bad.
And so anyway, I want to go on vacation and
I get on the plane at SFO. The second the
wheels come up off the tarmac, I get hit with
that desire to drink that if you're a drunk, you know,
(02:11):
is just like overwhelming. It's like you want air, like
you want food, like you want every It's it's just
like and I thought, oh crap, this is not good.
I mean, I was just hit with this because it's
an international flight. Got booze, I have a whole thing
that's gonna be on the plane for many, many, many
hours whatever. But so I didn't drink, but I really
really wanted to, and I was a little kind of
concerned about it. So I get to my vacation destination,
(02:33):
the only thing I can think about is drinking. I mean,
it's just it's the only thing I can think about. See,
how do I get to my hotel? And I'm sure
would like a drink? And how do I get a cab?
Sure would like to drink right now? We're gonna have
to have lunch here soon. Maybe I can get a
cup of coffee. Man, would I like to drink? I mean,
it was the only thing on my mind. I get
to my hotel, I go to a I'm gonna go
(02:54):
to a museum. I go to a little lunch spot.
I order a beer because I want a drink. I'm
gonna drink. Decided I'm gonna drink. I order a beer,
comes to the lunch I sit there. I ate the
sandwich because I really also don't want to drink, because
I know I'm an alcoholic and I gotta quit the
beer is sitting there and watching the bubbles go up
to the top of the glass while I ate my sandwich,
(03:14):
wanting to drink with every fiber of my body. But
I get up and I leave that, and I leave
that beer behind. So okay, I'm kind of okay. Now
I got past that, all right, Everything's fine. And then
I do a little walking around sight seeing. Then lka,
I really really really want to effing drink. I mean,
I freaking want to drink. I walk into a grocery store.
I walk back to the aisle. I get a bottle
of vodka. I go up to the get in line
(03:36):
at the grocery store. I'm holding my bottle of vodka.
I think, you know, this is gonna be freaking awesome.
I'm gonna walk around Moscow or Saint Petersburg with a
bottle of vodka, sipping at my bottle of vodka, and
join the site. This is gonna be the greatest day ever.
I can't wait to drink and I'm standing in line,
but the line is moving so slow. I don't know
what the problem is. Hurry up, what is the problem?
(03:57):
And I finally I sit down the vodka. I walk out.
There's gotta be an easier way, but on the walking
out it kind of goes away and I think he'll
bringing Thank god I didn't buy the bottle of vodka.
Back onto my tourism or whatever. Back comes the urge
to drink, very very strong. I walk into a bar
where here's the first really weird. I don't believe in
(04:20):
this sort of shit thing that happened to me. I
walk into a bar and I'm looking at myself from above,
like a cool artsy camera shot, looking down on myself
walking into the bar. I walk up to the bar,
to the bartender and order a beer, and I'm watching
it from above. I don't know what that means. My
(04:42):
brain broke or something. Something weird's going on, but that's
what happened to me.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Well, you know this is dime store amateur analysis, obviously,
and I would laugh it off, but you're of two minds, clearly, Yeah,
and the one he is walking up to the bar,
and the other one's looking at the guy walking up
to the bar. Yeah, I mean that's something ABC one
two three. Yeah, it's crazy like the Devil and Angel
on shoulder head.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
Yes, it's exactly like that. Yeah, And so I watched
myself walk up to the bar. Now I'm back in
my body. I'm at the bar. I ordered the beer,
and while the guy, I'm the only person in the place,
which is my favorite kind of drinking in a bar,
by the way, only person there, And the guy has
got his back to me and he's pulling the handle,
filming the beer up. And while he's doing that, I
(05:29):
think I got to get out of here, and I
turn around and I just leave, and he probably curses
me under his breath in Russian after I leave. So
kind of go back and forth with the desires to
drink again throughout the day. It's colder than the than hell.
It's snowing like crazy, and it's it's winter out time,
(05:49):
and I'm outside and I'm pacing in front of Tolstoy's
house and I really.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
Was at home.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
He wasn't home. I thought he could help, which is
at the war of the piece, help me and I'm
pason back and forth, wanting to go in there and
do the tourist thing, but I just ah. So I
call somebody, a fellow person who has quit drinking, and
he said, you got to get to you got to
get to around some other alcoholics and talk to them somehow.
You got to find a way. And we had conveniently
(06:16):
actually looked up some places to talk to other alcoholics
before I left, but I had conveniently forgotten that or
put it out of my mind. But when he reminded
me of that, I thought, oh, yeah, right, So I
decide to find this church. It's now dark. I don't
know my way around Russia. I don't speak the language.
I've talked about that before. Traveling there was just nightmarish
(06:37):
because I just I couldn't figure anything out.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
But I find out a different alphabet, so you can't
even like think, oh, that's the same root word.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
As there was nothing, So it was really awesome. But
I had a map and I figured out how I
get clear cross town, trudging over there in the snow,
in the dark, so cold. I finally find this church
where I'm going to meet some other alcoholics. So I can,
you know, hopefully make it through the day. And it's
dark and lockeddown and I can't figure out what's going on,
and I'm thinking the schedule's wrong or something. And I'm
(07:03):
walking around this church and I walk around it several times.
It's got these iron fence around it with gates. I
walk around, I walk around, I walk around, and there's
a bar over there, and I finally decide, Okay, this
is a sign from God. If this church isn't available
to me, then I'm supposed to drink and I'm going
over that bar and we are going to get it.
On my last trip around to the church, there's a big,
(07:27):
giant Russian guy standing there and he looks at me
in the dark in the snow and says alcoholic. And
I said yeah, and he points toward the church and
I walk into the church and I hadn't heard a
word of English now in several days. Some guy from
Boston who I get to know, sticks his head out
and he said, hey, you're looking for an alcoholic And
(07:50):
at that moment, I know, I know God, I know,
And at that moment I heard a popping sound in
my head. A feeling of calm came over me and
I haven't had the slightest desire to drink ever since.
And that is my story.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
And I have no idea what that means, why it happened,
how you would get it to happen to other someone
else who's a drug edictor alcoholic or whatever. I have
no idea. All I know is that is exactly what
happened to me that day.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
This is just my opinion. But I think you were healed. Yeah, yeah,
could be.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
It's one of the biggest cliches on the planet. But
that is like the ultimate example of everything happens for
a reason, Like multiple times in a row. I like
that one, Michael, that I was healed. Yeah, religious intervention
there in that church in Saint Petersburg, the hand of God,
I don't.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Know, and people trying to do God's worth work on earth.
Yeah you know as well? Yeah yeah, wow, that's I
got chills. That's amazing.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
It gives me chills every time I tell that.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
And I lived it right.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
And it's been twenty years since I've had the slightest
desire to drink, when it had dominated my life for
the previous twenty two. There wasn't a moment I either
didn't want to drink or I wasn't trying to get
over the last hangover for twenty two years. Yeah, and
then and then it's just completely gone.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Right. And I know we have a friend in common
who's one of my best friends and collaborators in creative projects,
who had, you know, a different road. But he's like,
oh no, I never think about it, and I have
no desire to. Why would I ever want to do
that after, you know, being in a bit of a
dicey situation for quite some time. You know, that's what's
what you pray for people who are who are bothered
(09:35):
tortured by you know, addiction.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
I wish I had more knowledge from that that could
be of any help to you know, all this stuff
about all the people on the street and you need
to get him into rehabit and blah blah blah. I
know so many people who failed and everything like that.
I don't even know why I don't drink anymore so
I can help anybody else.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
The fact that I heard a weird popping sound and
when I think about it, I can feel the feeling
of just like it leave my body from toad ahead
is weird.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Wow, boy, I almost want to throw out like five
different explanations from the entirely physical to the entirely metaphysical,
and we could go from there. But I think everybody's
got their own list in their head.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
The fact that you saw yourself from above, I know,
and I don't believe in that sort of crap at
all at all. I mean, that's just it.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Yeah, But I think we've all had experiences where we think,
look at me, look what I'm doing, what am I things?
And yours just was translated into visual cortex of your
brain or something. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
I think there's something to do with the intensity of it.
I think it got it was so intense. I actually
believe I left this part out of the story because
I actually I believed it then and I believe it now.
If I drank that day, that was the end. I
was going to die. I just I know how I am.
I was in a dangerous city, in a dangerous country.
(10:57):
I know what I look for in the world, in trouble,
hanging around bad people in bad places. I just feel
like I'm gonna die. I'm either gonna live, I'm gonna die.
So it wasn't just a drink or don't drink. It
was are we gonna liver? We don't die? That's what
I was thinking in my head.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
It was a hell of a good chance.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
You're right, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna end up in a
prison or whatever.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Right right? Or just having a snot beat out of you.
That would be like the best case scenario and pennyless.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
And note that it actually happened to the Boston guy
that oh really said, hey, are you looking for me?
He had got his leg broken by some guys in
the middle of the night when he was running around.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Or yeah, because it's not like you were in the
mood for just a quick beer just sell no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
I know you were.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
You were ready to walk around with a bottle of vodka.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Well that's that was my style, yes, right, okay.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Yeah, wow, uh permission end on a humorous note, sure,
mister chairman. So when you're walking around the church and
you said to yourself, look there's a bar, it's a
message from God. God was thinking, Look, some guy bought
a building across from the church and decided to open
the bar. That's how real estate works, you idiot. That's
not a sign of anything.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
It's really a zoning thing, more of a.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
It's more an economic opportunity than a sign for me.
But whatever.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
You believe, what you want to believe, would.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Have known God a great real estate agent.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
Well, I guess that's it