Q & A Day

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hell I Suck At Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared
and I Heart Radio Podcast. Hello everyone, thank you so
much for joining us on this week's episode of Help
I Suck At Dating. As always, I'm Dean Anglert, joined
in studio by Jared Havan. Hello Vanessa on Skype in Canada.

(00:22):
But she's got a mike today, so it's gonna sound
pretty nice, sound incredible right now. Very special guests, but
I'll just go with the flow. Very special guest today,
as I was saying, and we've had on the podcast before,
always calling, but today for the first time in studio,
Shari Healy, Ladies and gentlemen, Hello, Possibilitarian. She's gonna help

(00:43):
us answer some of these questions that we asked on Facebook,
or you guys asked on Facebook, UM. And that's basically
what today's episode is going to be about, is just
answering the questions that you guys need answered. Jared posted
something on the Facebook page last week, and we've got
a lot of questions to go through, UM, and so
we're gonna do our best to answer them and hopefully
help you guys out with your dating issues. Shed a

(01:04):
little bit more light on our dating issues and just
go from there and we get started. Surely, what exactly
is a possibilitary And if I'm saying that properly, someone
who stops at nothing to help you reach your ultimate potential,
I mean I think that anything is possible. On It
drives me nuts to see people holding back and not

(01:26):
getting what they want in life. So I help people
get what they want in relationships and at work and
enjoy the hell out of their lives. That's the point
I say, you need to take your pleasure more seriously,
because it really is the strategy that has people promoted
at work and do the best work that they're here
to do and show up as their highest self and relationships. Now,

(01:46):
when you say stop at nothing, how literal do you mean?
That's such a good question. Say I've got a crush
on a girl, but she's dating someone else, and we
need to get rid of that guy. We turn on
your superpowers being in your romantic life right now, Dean,
I'm just speaking. I'm just speaking for the general listener
out there. If if Shari would literally stop at nothing

(02:07):
to help us achieve our goals in life, where does that?
Where's that bar set? You know it really. It takes
some time depending on how ready you are, but through
a series of calls and working one on one, I
remove the obstacles that standing the way. It's not meant
to be for you to be with that person. If
that person isn't in your highest best interest, then we

(02:28):
get to a point sometimes where you decide it's not
for you. I thought you're gonna say, were forces. They're
required physical forces, but usually the blocks are inside us.
So that's where we start. If somebody isn't attracted to you,
r isn't really feeling it, then there are ways that

(02:48):
we can open up you so that the possibilities are there.
That makes sense. Yeah, well, Sarie, I'm on your website
right now and on your home page it says I
help people get what they want so they can change
the world. What do you want? And I actually I'm like,
before coming onto the pot the episode today, I was
actually thinking, what is exactly? What is it that I

(03:09):
want exactly? Because I think putting out the intention of
things that you want, um you'll be able to receive it.
But if you're a little bit all over the place,
then I think it's a lot harder to get exactly
what it is that you think you need. So how
can you figure out in exactly the question that you have,
what do you want? How can you help someone figure

(03:29):
that part out? Yeah, a lot of people are just
so busy in life that they're really disconnected from what
it is that they want and crave. You know, they're
kind of stuck in the spin cycle of just getting
up and going to work and going to sleep and
doing it all over again. And so we're really disconnected
from our desires and so the greatest way to approach
it is to sort of break it down. You look

(03:51):
at what do I want in my love life? What
do I want for my body? What do I want
for my career? You know, and we really go through
a process of dreaming. If you had the ultimate vision
in those areas of your life, then you'd start to
feel like life was balanced and your energy was flowing

(04:12):
in a way that life becomes really good. And I
don't think people believe that that's possible, or they don't
know how they might make that happen, and so they
stay stuck. Yeah, and I think it's oftentimes we get
stuck in what is it do I want? What do
I want in my love life, and at least for me,

(04:32):
it's been hard to figure that part out because I
think for the longest time I wanted the traditional lifestyle
that my family had, and then my life has completely
changed in the last two years. So I'm trying to
re discover the things that I actually do need in
my life versus want. And I feel like once one
part of the puzzle piece in your life is off,

(04:52):
it's kind of hard to refocus on your career and
your body and your mind and all that. Um So,
how can like someone like me, um who constantly lives
in my head. I like, I do enjoy thinking a lot.
I overthink sometimes too much. But how can I get
out of my head and just live in the moment
and be present and let it be well? Taking the

(05:14):
time to write down these wants, to actually have some
vision experience to say this is what I want and
and really have it on paper and have somebody like
me holding you accountable to going for that helps a
ton because then you know you're on track, you've declared it,
and you're doing something about it. You know, but that
you're right. The getting stuck in our minds is what

(05:36):
really is our biggest work. Like back to Dean's comment,
and that's usually what repels others or makes the relationships
that we want impossible because we're questioning ourselves so much,
we're overthinking everything. And so I would say probably the
first step is to write down, if I had it

(05:56):
all my way, if money and time and all the
obstacles that we normally put out there, all the excuses
were not an issue, what what would I love in
my love life? And give yourself the space to actually
think out of the box. And it sounds cliche, but
dream a little bit bigger, you know, because we see
a lot of people prioritizing safety over the big possibilities

(06:21):
in life, you know, settling looking at what other people
around you have as a relationship and saying that's got
to be my bar especially people who think Insta Graham
is real see couples best Moments on on social media. Um,
I think we we all kind of tend to get
trapped in that idea that, oh wow, a perfect relationship

(06:43):
does exist. It's I think it's perfect for certain people,
but someone else is perfect may not be your idea
of perfect. Sure, you have a question for you, do
you think? Because I hear all the time you're in
your own head? Do you think too much? Do you
think that's kind of a new found thing? And within
society to day, do you think people sixties, seventy years ago,
even further back, we're thinking as much as we do today.

(07:07):
I don't think they had the luxury to I think
we were much more about survival in the day. Yeah,
it just makes me. I find it interesting because it
makes me think about the connection that has with people
getting married at a later age, divorce rate being higher
than it ever has been. People are single more so
now than they ever have been, And I'm curious if

(07:29):
there's a link between that and the connection between people
being in their heads too much in today's society compared
to what it was, however, many decades ago. But I
do think people are in their own head because, like
you said, we have the luxury to be in our
own head now. I feel like with technology and the
way we look at love and life and our dreams

(07:49):
and destinies and goals, we just look at it in
a different way than we ever have. Yeah, we are
we are coming out of the information age, so we're
all overloaded by information which had us go up into
our heads a lot. And then I think too, with
abundance and all the social media and everything that we've
got out there, we've now asked and I think we're

(08:10):
in an age of awakening. You know. Some people say
we're in the wisdom age now or the imagination age,
and so it's a different time, which means tons of possibilities,
and we are asking for a lot more of our
relationships than we ever were before. We want a best friend,
we want a soul mate, we want someone who's going
to help us reach self actualization, we want the best sex.
We want to you know, live forever. Like there's just

(08:32):
so who we want it all, you know, so there's
a lot more pressure on it. Like well I have
I actually have a confession. Um So, a couple of
weeks ago, I was talking about how was never on
a dating app. I just recently joined a dating app. Oh,
good for you? Which what app? Bumble? Obviously humble? Yes?

(08:56):
Actually no, I do. I mean listen, I do like
the idea of the of the woman having to start
the conversation on Bumble, But no I'm not on Bumble.
I'm on another dating app. And it's so interesting to
see the connections you do make on the app and
how no one ends up reaching out to each other.
It's like our eagles are so big where I'm like, well,

(09:17):
I want to get pursued, so I'm not going to
reach out to the guy first. And the guys probably like, well,
I have fifteen other women I'm talking to, so why
would I reach out to her if she's not reaching
out to me. And it's just at the end of
the day for me, just ends up becoming a waste
of my time to work in. No, it's not that
I don't want to put the work in. And we've
talked about this before. Indeed, n I started me on
this podcast just telling you it sounds like the groundwork. No,

(09:40):
it's not a matter about Listen when I'm in, I'm
all in. But I do talk about wanting to be pursued,
and I want to be pursued. So if I do
like someone's if we do have a connection on the
app or whatever, listen in person. I have no shame
going up to someone and starting a conversation with him.
It's what's differ on the app. I don't know. Well,

(10:02):
I guess it's because like I've I've always been the
person that pursues. So I'm just at a stage in
my life where I'm just said, you're always the one
that needs to be pursued. Though, No, right now I
want to be pursued. Right now, I'm throwing it out
to the universe where I'm like, I want to be pursued.
Classic millennial. She wants everything and she doesn't want to
have to work for it. Vanessa, What would it look
like if if a guy pursued you on the app? Oh?

(10:24):
What would it look like? What do you specifically do?
Giving me? Like? I guess the first line would be
like a funny joke and I'd be like, ha ha ha,
this is why it's not working for what is the
what kind of game is that? That's it's horrible game? No, No,

(10:44):
I mean like ha ha, Like I like guys who
have a sense of humor, right, but you would you send?
Would you send to ha? Has? I feel like ha
ha is a little bit uh like um sarcastic. But
if it's a ha ha ha ha ha exclamation exclamation,
that's like, oh you're funny, right, with a little emoji

(11:04):
too thrown in there. Let's get some to some questions now, Okay, so,
but that's okay. So before we jump into the next
questions or the next segment, you guys have probably already
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(11:28):
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(11:51):
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(12:12):
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(12:33):
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(13:16):
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this holiday season. Um, how has online dating been for you?
Has it been good other than you're you're still just
waiting for Have you been on a date yet? How

(13:39):
long have you been on? Two weeks? Okay, decent amount?
I give it another two weeks? And are you talking
to people at least you just haven't met with them
or are you not even having conversations? Are you matching
with people? I'm matching, the conversations are cut short. Can
you send me your your online profile? I want to
be able to critique it. Um, I don't think I'm allowed.

(14:01):
Don't you know how to do that? How screenshot? Screenshot
my own profile? Vanessa for the listeners out there, vans
let regardless, I don't send it. If I do send it,
Vanessa is so technologically inept. I like always send screen
recordings on my phone and she's like, Hey, how do
I post the link to the podcast on my Instagram
story and I'll literally screen record. I'm like, Okay, Vanessa,
for the third time, this is what you do. You

(14:21):
go to the podcast app, you type in your name,
you click on the link, you click share, and then
every single time, hey, where's the links of the podcast?
Can you send the link? Vanessa? I want to ask
you one more thing before we let you off the hook.
In your bio, your your profile on that app, does
it say something about how you're super turned on by
a guy who's funny? No, I just I think it's

(14:44):
just my my number, my not my number, my age
and my Instagram account. Okay, so you need to listen.
I don't know how to use the app that well,
that's why. Well, I think what you're you saying is
you need to put that out into the universe so
you can kind of receive it from other Yeah, of
the guy's a hint about what it will take to
win with you. Because this was a big thing I

(15:05):
learned across um my didding career and from clients and
and all the research out there that we want some vulnerability,
we want some openness from a guy. Right, he wanted
to show you interest. That's pursuing, um what a good

(15:25):
guy would do pursuing. A good man is not gonna
come in hot, and he's not gonna push and push
and push. That's more of what we'll see from guys
who are just trying to take from you or get
from you what we might call a player. So if
you want a good man, he's not going to pursue.

(15:45):
He's going to honor you and your boundaries. He's going
to feel into what you're open to. He's he's not
going to come in hard. M hmm. That's great advice.
That is great advice. Yeah, that's pretty good. It's it's
hard for a lot of us who want a guy
to make it easy for us because we want to
know that we're liked or that we're that he's interested.
And I'll tell you, like, the greatest guys will just

(16:05):
come in and they won't play any games and they'll
just tell you, hey, I really like you, and they'll
be patient I get to see you again. I'm patient, Yeah,
which can confuse us because we've been taught that, like
you know, it's easier for us. It soothes our fears
and our worries. If a guy comes in super clear
and like you know, eager and pushes and like kind
of makes it hard for us to say no, yeah yeah.

(16:27):
If a guy like comes on too strong, I'm like no, no, no, no,
no no, like you need to. You wonder why guys
struggle in the dating world. It's so hard. I want
to be pursued, but don't come on too hard. But
then if I send six ha haas, know that it's
that I actually need it. But if I send two,
I being sarcastic. So the hell is going on? That's
why this podcast is so important. But you know what

(16:50):
we're You're not alone. I'm dean, and I I'm sure
the same that when when I was single, it was difficult,
Like texta is hard. Texting is hard, and it's like
it's all about tone and how somebody receives it. Because
they've even talked about like if I'm sending a text
message to Dean and I say something that's kind of sarcastic,
but I'm in a good mood, so I know it's
a joke. But if you're in a piss poor mood

(17:10):
and you see what I said, you might just take
it in a completely different direction. It's the same thing
with so it's really just hard. It's difficult, Vanessa. I
don't envy your position. I'm sorry. You're wonderful. You deserve
a great guy, and I really hope that somebody very
uh soon comes along, whether it be on this dating
app or in real life and just sweeps you off
your Dean. You're single, what the hell come on? I

(17:31):
will say, please, I will say it's to Suri's points.
Of the few days that I've been going on lately,
one of the most common, I guess compliments that I've
received is that I am patient with the person. So
it's like to that point, and so, Vanessa, I guess
you could take a lesson from that as well. As
patients is a good thing, I feel like, especially when
you're trying to get to know someone over the course
of time, because it's not gonna happen all at once.

(17:52):
It's gonna take time. It's like you've been on that
for two weeks, but you know, in six months it
might not you might not start reaping the dividends of it. Right.
I agree with that, But I'm also at a point
in my dating life where as soon as I start
feeling something is a little bit off, if there's a
red flag or whatever, I would be the type of
person that would go all in and ignore all of
that and it would end either way. Now I'm like, Okay,

(18:15):
I'm feeling like something is off. I'm not sure if
I'm being a percent myself. I'm a little bit uncomfortable
talking about some things. Why is that happening? Take a
step back and reevaluate if you if I want to
be getting this person or not. And it's it's so
much more liberating being able to be so self aware
of how you're feeling. And I'm only learning that now
and I'm thirty one years old. Yeah, and you can

(18:37):
share that. I think when you're off, I think we'd
love to avoid it and pretend it's not there because
we all want to feel good. But just to say,
like I don't know what's up there, I am feeling
a little off and put it on the table so
you can talk about it. There you go, there we go.
All right, So we're gonna jump into our next segment,
which is Questions Asked by the Facebook group. But before
we do that, I would love to share with you

(18:58):
the best gift giving idea this holiday season, Dean. I agree,
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Holidays are right around the corner of Black Friday is
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(19:22):
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I personally have a home video VHS that I go
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For President as well. I'm sure they would love that.

(19:42):
Oh yeah, they have so many old pictures. It's crazy
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she just brings those out every holiday, and she has
like four or five of them. But she's on Facebook
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She's a little behind the a ball. It's very understandable.
My mom Instagram. Oh she's on Instagram. My mom. God,
I'm I'm the day. My mom is on Instagram. Boy,

(20:03):
here we go. But it would be really cool, exactly
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(20:23):
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(20:44):
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I feel like I just talked for an hour. So
let's drive into some questions on Facebook that we asked
our listeners first and foremost, thank you for submitting some questions,
because we always like to incorporate the listener in in
as many ways as possible on the podcast, and obviously

(23:36):
this is one of the most direct ways we have
that we can do that. Um. And so we're just
going to dive into some that were posted on the
Facebook wall that have been d m to us through Instagram.
I know Vanes has been getting some through her Instagram
as well. UM. And if you don't follow us on Instagram,
help I Suck at Dating and definitely join the Facebook
Facebook group Help I Suck at Dating Podcast. It's really cool.
There's a lot of people on there that, uh, communicate

(23:59):
with each other of each other advice. It really is
a community on there. So if you guys are listening
to this podcast, UM, definitely check out to help us
Secred Dating podcast. Facebook Up. Do you think that anyone
in the Facebook group has dated each other? Interesting? I
was thinking if somebody met within the Facebook group, like
if we kind of formed a relationship, Well, I don't
know if we would necessarily be honest, but like, it

(24:20):
is kind of cool that there's a forum that people
go to to discuss dating I'm sure there are plenty
of them, but it's because I sometimes see comments on
the wall that's like, Hey, I just went to San Francisco,
I'm trying to date. If anyone's in the area, I'd
love to meet up like that kind of thing. And
I'm always kind of like, I don't know, but at
the same time, I'm like, oh, good luck, like that
kind of thing. So hopefully it works. It might be
better than one of the apps. It's true, you know,

(24:41):
they are great taste and podcast I feel like people
are that are listening to us or they want to
be vulnerable and they want to have a genuine connection
with people. So I would love to know if anyone
is actually dating off of our Facebook group. Having said that,
obviously go into the podcast Facebook group. If you're going
to meet up with somebody with the same hesitation safety
you would for an online dating app, meet in a

(25:01):
public place. There you go, all right? So court first
questions submitted is actually directed towards me, So I mean
it's from Laura. Laura says I wanted to tell Dean
offer even considering asking Leslie about South America because even
the best intentions of texting or sliding into your x's
d MS almost automatically get misinterpreted. I have been the
one receiving these messages and have to remind both him
and myself while we ended our relationship, just take Jared's

(25:23):
advice and don't bother. So Shari your advice on this
because last week I'm traveling to South America at the
end of the month and my ex girlfriend lived in
South America where I'm traveling to for two years, and
so she and she's like a travel expert. I know
she loves doling out the advice and giving recommendations, that
kind of stuff. So I considered the idea of texting
her and asking her to give me some recommendations while

(25:43):
I'm down there. But do you think it's a bad
idea to reopen that line of communication with an X,
even if it's just purely platonic, purely for reasons of
seeking advice and asking questions. How did it end? Not
not the smoothest ending in a relationship, but not like horrible.
It was was sad. We were both sad at the
end of the relationship. Um it was they weren't going

(26:05):
to be best friends after it, right, So and okay,
so we broke up in April, haven't talks in April,
and it'd be convenient for you to get her advice, right,
because she's an expert. Well, it's I think it's kind
of it's a win win because it would be great
to get her advice because she's knowledgeable on the topic.
And I know that she appreciates giving out travel recommendations
to people because she's a travel blogger and that's kind

(26:27):
of how she gets her livelihood what she enjoys doing.
So it's like she likes to give advice, and I
would like to receive very specific advice while I'm traveling
as well. Right, if you could reach out to her
with that boundary, like I just to give her a gift, right,
if she enjoys giving that and you think it would
be a kindness towards her, would we really call it

(26:47):
giving a gift? She would listen, I wanted to give
you a gift, I reached out to you. I agree
with that. That sounds bad, Yeah, Like it's it's not
like she I just know she likes giving advice on travel.
I guess she wouldn't look at it as like, oh
my god, I'm so happy to be doing this. He's
respecting me, he honors me. Yeah, I don't know if

(27:08):
she would receive it that way. Do you think that
you were reaching out maybe because you wanted to feel
better about everything? Probably I don't like being disliked. Yeah,
And like I said, we haven't talked since April, But
like I don't think we dislike each other. I think
it's just one of those things where it might be

(27:29):
better for us to have to have a conversation with
each other. So I guess that kind of answers that question.
And to thanks to Jared, Jared's and Vanessa's advice from
last week, I did not reach out to her. I
have no plan or intention to reach out to her
because I've got some feedback and I realized that making
out the best. Well, I was just going to say,
Jared sort of zeroed in on something that I believe.
There's always a good reason for everything that we do,

(27:50):
and so there was a good reason for you reaching
out that was kind of underneath just wanting advice about
the trip, right that you kind of want to just
make some peace. Yeah, And I feel I'm always kind
of an advocate for staying friendly after breakups, as well,
it would be great, like we could have a friendship.
But I understand I want to stop you because you're
the one that said that you block your ex is

(28:11):
off of Instagram. Yeah. Sure, that's the point. Correlation between
blocking them off of Instagram and then seeking out their attention.
I think I'm more so blocked them so I didn't
have to worry about seeing them pop up in my
feet every once in a while. But you're still on
good terms with them. I would like to be whether
I am or I'm not currently I have a question,

(28:32):
So reaching out to an ex like that for those maybe,
even if it's only ten percent of the reason to
try to like almost bury the hatch or you know,
make you feel better about the situation. Do you think
it's with good intention? Because I suffer from this as well.
I don't want this just to be on Deane. I've
done this before as well. Do you think it's with
good intention or do you think it's selfish because at
the end of the day, there is a part of

(28:53):
me that's like, I don't want her to hate me,
right right? And is that selfish with me? I don't
know that it's entirely selfish because I think if there's
a desire for a friendship, there's I want the peace.
I'm knowing that I'm not a bad guy. But I
think it all what kind of friendship would we possibly have? Well,

(29:14):
that's the better question, right, is it going to be
in the highest best interest of her and you to
be back in contact. That's a good So she seems
to be in a relationship now. So if if the
exes are in relationships or are no longer clearly no
longer interested in dating each other, don't you think that
kind of adds it more healthy dynamic to it a
healthy dynamic to being friends or not talking to friends,

(29:37):
Like it's easier to be a friend with an X
if both of the exes have moved on to someone else.
I think not always. I think it depends. It depends
on how the person is. Like, I'm someone that likes
to be friends with my exes, but it will take
me a while to get to that place where I
can have where we can be on neutral grounds and
it's really platonic between us, Like you can't ask me
to be friends with you after a month of us
breaking up. So I think it also depends if how

(30:00):
the relationship ended, and if that person is a kind
of person that's open to friendship after the end of
a breakup. I don't think there are any ruled really.
I think it's how we're wired, and there needs to
be a conversation usually with the new person. That's exactly
what I was gonna say, because when they're in a relationship,
you can't just factor in the X anymore. You have
to factor in their new partner. Because think about if

(30:22):
you were in a relationship with someone and then one
of your ex is reached out to you, how would
your girlfriend feel at the time. Probably pretty uncofortable, especially
if you were like, hey, no, I kind of want
to try to recapture a friendship with this person. I
think if I was your girlfriend, you'd be like, what
are you doing? Exactly. So, I've been in a position

(30:43):
before where not maybe like a year or two. However,
long ago, I was at dinner with an ex girlfriend
and I was dating someone new, and I remember talking
to my ex girlfriend at the time and I was
like asking for advice on the relationship that I was
forming with someone new, and she was like, I'm glad
that you're dating someone new because it allows us to
have a purely friendly platonic conversation, and like it eliminates

(31:04):
any type of physical like urge, you know what I mean,
and so like I can see. I don't know. I
just kind of thought that it might make things a
little bit better. Yeah, but I'd almost lead with that
if you really want to recapture friendship, not South America.
Not South America. And yes, South America could come after,
because I told you reaching out for a different reason really,

(31:27):
and it's kind of underneath the South America. What if
I wanted to travel to Spain? Is that off limit? Still?
She studied South America in high school. She remembers reading
about Argentina. I just want to bring it up now.
I'm just kidding. No, that was a good answer. I'm glad. Well,
we got to go through some other questions too, So Vanessa,
let me ask you. This is from Linda. Um, we'll
ask you first, if each of you could go back

(31:50):
in time and give yourself self, give your younger self
one piece of advice. What would it be and why? So, Vanessa,
if you can go back in time, what would you
tell yourself? And why? Wait? These questions from Linda. Linda,
Linda think you were asking such a great question. Um,
I think I would go back and tell myself to
chill the out, mainly because I think it's like I said,

(32:14):
I was always someone who was a hopeless romantic. I
still am. I want to have a family, I want
to have kids. And it's so funny. I remember Dean
after we recorded an episode together, We're sitting We're sitting
down together and I'm like, Dean, why do you think
I'm still single? And you looked at me like, I
think you're too are I'm like, what does that mean? Like,
I think you're too intense, And I think my intentions
do come off a little bit strong. Um, just because

(32:36):
I know what I want and I don't want to
waste my time with people that are trying to figure
out what they want in a relationship or in their
romantic life. So I think I would tell myself enjoy
being single, Enjoy spending time by yourself and being with
people you love and creating connections with people and those
connections can be conturned into something greater and more romantic.

(32:58):
But still putting so much pressure in finding someone to
spend the rest of your life with because it will
happen when it happens, and looking back, I didn't think
i'd be having this conversation with myself at thirty one
years old. At thirty one, I thought I would be
married with kids already, and I'm nowhere close to that.
But I'm so happy with where I am in my

(33:20):
life right now, and I'm finally at a place where
i can say, yep, I'm enjoying being present, and I'm
enjoying forming those connections with people and getting to know people.
I want to know, what would you if you could
tell yourself your younger self one thing, give yourself advice?
What would it be? I don't worry so much because

(33:40):
everything turns out okay, and uh, you should you should
get up earlier. These are all pretty light answers, you, guys.
I like the getting up earlier. There's there's one. If
I were to give my younger self one piece of advice,
it's seven letters long, one word, very simple. Bitcoin one

(34:03):
pent Put all your money in bitcoin in two thou
selling two thousand seventeen, and then happiness comes after that.
Very simple stuff. You guys, not wake up earlier, not
be more open minded, put less pressure on it, just
be rich. I go back. Yeah, it's probably the year
about two thousand and three, and then I would just
bring a copy of the social network with me and
show that to my own yourself and be like, just

(34:25):
create this and you're fine. You're fine, Just create something
called Facebook. You're good. Easy. Um, all right, what's the
next question? What do you want to ask? Let's move
on to this question for Jared. Jared, what's your dream
career when you head back to Rhode Island. I'd like
to open up my own bar. So Ashley and I
have talked about that. We've talked about the potential of

(34:45):
moving back east. Um and maybe five years depending on
see where where our lives are out. But that's a
tentative plan. And uh, I'd love to save up as
much as I possibly can and open up a bar
back home. I've always worked in the hospitality industry. To
two things to two point question, because you guys are
pretty friendly rooted in Los Angeles now right like with
Ashley's career, Yeah, yeah, we're pretty rooted right now. So
it obviously, like we said, is a tentative plan. We

(35:07):
both want to head back east, especially when we settle
we are settling down, but start a family because we
don't want to be so far for away from our parents.
And so are there have you guys talked to kids.
I'm sure you've talked it, but what's kind of what's
the general hope for kids to start and then two
or three? I mean this is knock on wood and
every if everything goes according to plan, um, so that

(35:28):
would be ideal. So we would have kids over here,
at least have one kid over here, and then potentially
it all depends on what we're twenty. That's a year
and a half away. That's that's fourteen months away. I know, well,
you know, Ashley's thirties is gonna be thirty one in March.
I will be thirty here in a few days. So, uh,
we're not getting any younger. We both know that this
is something we want to move forward with. We love

(35:50):
each other very much. We want to have kids together. Uh,
so we want to get married first and enjoy that
honeymoon phase and then potentially maybe like mid two twenty. Really, um,
it's like it at it always see yourself opening up
a bar? Was that something that you wanted to do? Kid?
So I ran a couple of restaurants back home before
I was on the Bachelorette. And I love the hospitality industry.

(36:10):
I always worked it through college. I was bartending and serving,
and then I really just love the hustle and bustle
of it, and I learned how to how to run
a restaurant um and so obviously didn't have the funds
to really open up my own place. And so hopefully,
you know, I'll try to save us save up and
work as hard as I can over the next few years,
both Ashley and I will, and she's very supportive of it,
and maybe potentially open up a bar back east. I

(36:32):
just know I I wouldn't want to open up a
place over here in Los Angeles. I just know the
clientele better in New England. Um, I have more connections
over there, I know more people, I kind of know
what people like over there, So I feel like I'd
have a better idea of what to create, and I
know exactly what I want to do. So it's more
so just trying to put that into reality. I know
you've put some thought into this, and I expect to
have expect to be blown away by this answer. What's

(36:54):
the name? Yes, well, I have. I'm not saying it's
very plastic. I don't want anything crazy in the name.
I don't want anything that it may start with an
A it is not, actually, but it will be something
that is a part of our family dynamic. It's a
name that I'm a Mendolah. Yeah, so we're gonna call
it Brady. So I don't know if you've ever heard

(37:16):
of it, but um, so it's it's it's a name
in the family that when she said it, when Ashley
said it, uh, it was kind of perfect. So I
think I would name it that. There you go, We'll
be sure to be out there for the grand opening
of it. If it want happened that I'll pay you guys.
All right, moving on to the next question from Sam Ross,

(37:36):
who is a guy who love the guy questions on
here and Shari can I think weigh on this first
and probably best, but between all of us, so Sam asks, uh,
he would love to get some coverage on introverts and
dating because we have a lot of extroverts, but the
other side seems to be much less represented. So how
do you think dating is different for introverted people? Well,

(37:57):
introverts by definition get their energy by being alone, right right,
So forward, dating and you know, going on this circuit
like dating several times a week, that can be hugely dreaming. Yeah,
and then I think to have small talk and conversation
is also super draining. So just relating to anybody else's hard.

(38:17):
So I think it's it's important to lead with that
because I think dating an introvert, you could probably take
a lot of their quiet or their need for a
lone time personally and misunderstand and think they're not into me.
You know, when I used to live with a buddy
mine who's much more of an extrovert than I was,
I would go in my room all the time, just
close the door and just like play video games, watch

(38:38):
tv um and then I remember there was one time
he was talking to a friend of mine and he
was like, does Jared just not like me? I was like, no,
it's not that at all. Just sometimes I like just
kind of being in my zone, you know, I don't
I don't want to always hang out in the living room,
and because that it is draining. It feels like I
have to be on sometimes even with friends. Yeah, so
I can I can relate to that. Yeah, I've had

(39:00):
to work on this and my partnership, right, now I'm
dating somebody that I love very much. He wants to
be with me all the time, all the time. I like,
I'm trying to lay that down in a way that
you know, we designed something together, you know, where he
knows that when I'm alone, it's not because I don't
want to be with him, but it's how I fell up.
So I recently just started doing this with not just

(39:22):
like people that I'm dating, but also friendships as well
as I'll set because I'm an introvert as well ident
toy chargeable. I'm by myself in my room doing whatever,
like just laying there whatever. Um, I've started saying, I
like you, we're friends. I like hanging out with you,
but I can only spend one day a week with you.
That's all you'll get, no matter what the week is,
with someone that you're dating. Yes, and I'll always say,

(39:42):
it's not a youth thing. It's like you're great. I
like spending time with you. I enjoy being with you,
but I just like need this time for myself. Did
you just pull that it's not you the case? And honestly,
it's it's been a good system. If you're dating someone,
you'll only see them once a week, yes, once a week, yes,

(40:02):
and that builds you up enough to be like, you
don't have the urge to see them more, And I
get it. I'm I think I'm like, I'm an introvert
extrovert where I need to read. I give so much
of my energy out, but I need to recharge my batteries.
But if I'm really into someone, I'm like, oh my god,
I don't want to see them tonight. I want to
see them tomorrow. But then in three weeks because you're
exhausted from spending so much time with them. It's like,

(40:23):
if you see them once a week, a look, let's
you focus on the conversations that you're having instead of
just being around them, which they're they're both important, but
it also kind of like, lets you slow things down
a little bit, and like we said that you need
maybe you should be a little bit more of his patient,
which I think can be good. I feel like, maybe
you just you're not ready for something serious right now.

(40:44):
Well that's true as well, or you just met the
right person. Yeah. I was going to ask that if
you've ever wanted to be with somebody more often than
once in my past relationships, I'm like, I want to
see you every single day, But then in two weeks,
two weeks after that, I'm like, whoa, I'm gonna I'm
going to create some space now. And if the space
is created in the beginning, it like allows like a
slow churn instead of like a like a dying star

(41:05):
that explodes in and it self, you know what I mean. Yeah,
But I feel like that's also our younger self. When
I was in my twenties, I oh, my god, I
would spend every waking second with a person, and I like,
we would go to the same gym together, we do
the same activities, and they became my friend, my boyfriend,
my therapist, my everything, and it was way too much
pressure on the relationship. Now I'm I think it's I

(41:29):
don't know, Shari, give me your take on this. I
think the older you get, the more set in your
ways you are. You're happy with the way your house looks,
You're happy with the way you you know, put your
pillows on the couch, and you're happy with how much
time you have to yourself and allocate time to your
friends and family and work. So for me, I find
it's also becoming hard to allow I guess that extra

(41:51):
space that I extra time that I have in my
personal life to someone that I'm dating because I don't
have a lot of time off or time to myself,
what kind of a Yeah, it's important to design it.
I mean, it's no joke. I think people fall into
relationships and they don't ever talk about what they actually envision,
what they really want from their time with that person,

(42:12):
and what would be ideal. You know, we just sort
of adapt. I know for me as a woman, I
know some guys who do this too. We lose ourselves
in relationship pretty easily. So we just sort of contoured
to whatever the other person wants. And it's important to
speak up and say, in my ideal world, you know,
if I had it all my way, this is what
our relationship would look like. This is what I've dreamt of,

(42:32):
Like you've been thinking about what this would look like,
Vanessa since you were a kid, you know, so what's
ideal and then knowing that that changes sometimes depending on
what's going on in your life. So it's kind of
got to be this fluid conversation that's ongoing around what
you need. What if you don't know what you need,
then you just have to figure it out. I guess
as you go. It's a it's a moment by moment.

(42:54):
You can wake up and say, you know what today
I'm checking in myself and what I have on my plate,
and it's going to be a day where an it space.
But space is critical in the relationship. I mean, it's
something that has as a man, you need to we
need space just in our calendar. You know, they say
like the definition of success is an empty calendar, you know,
no commitment. I would say space to bounce off that,

(43:17):
I'd say space and commitment are very um important within
a relationship. Obviously that's a dumb statement because everybody knows that.
But what I mean by that is I think that, yes,
sometimes daily you wake up with different needs. Sometimes you
need one thing and your partner doesn't know that, and
you kind of gotta work through that. I just think
that's where the commitment issue. I think people need to

(43:38):
stick with commitment more because they have to realize that
commit to commitment is what you're saying exactly, commitment, commitment.
Don't think that just because you wake up one day
and you feel differently and you're like, oh wow, is
this the person for me after two years of dating.
That doesn't necessarily mean they're not the person for you.
I think doubts and hesitations are very normal to having
a relationship. Even I was reading an article today about

(44:00):
Barack Obama Michelle Obama, and they said they were like,
because they always look happy, right, They were like, don't
be mistaken. Marriage is hard. It's not easy. And so
I think that's just something nice to reiterate, because I
think space is very important in the idea of giving
partners space within the relationship, but it's also under the
umbrella of a committed relationship. Yeah, I'm committed to knowing

(44:22):
you and learning about you and being here for you
and whatever that takes, not not just sort of getting
to a point where you think you've got a dialed,
you know, and then everybody relaxes, because I think that's
where romance dies over time. It's this this great vow
that I heard at a wedding once I promised to
never know you. You know, like, every day I wake

(44:43):
up to who are you today? Yesterday? It was a
whole lifetime. That's beautiful. Yeah, you know, so I think
it's really just being committed to having the conversations like,
my sweetheart is asking me every day, what tell me
something that you need that I don't know about out
which is so huge because every day I have to
go like, oh man, it's a self awareness you were

(45:05):
talking about Vanessa, you know, like getting to know yourself
so well that you can say, holy cow, what do
I need? I'm going to say that we will ask
for it. I'm going to say that my vowels and
take full credit for it. By the way, I'm just
standing up there. I promised to never know you. Where
did you hear that? I just made it up. I
just came out to my head. I think it's also
finding a partner who's like minded and understands that dynamic

(45:30):
of a relationship, yeah, and has evolved into being able
to want to be that person. So I think going
back to some of these questions we had on Facebook, Bree,
we answered that question thoughts on time away from your partner?
Can't we move on to another question? All right? Before
we continue with more questions? Uh, Deina and I want
to talk a little bit, uh something about you guys
all well know Thrive Market. We've talked about it numerous

(45:53):
times on the podcast In Love thri I'm censoring myself.
That's how excited I get about Thrive He's very excited,
as you eyes know. Thrive Market is a revolutionary online
marketplace on a mission to make healthy living easy and
affordable for everyone. That includes Udine. You can shop for
thousands of the best selling non gmo foods and natural products,
always at twenty five to below traditional retail prices. But

(46:16):
my favorite is Justin's. I said that before. Justin's actually
reached out to me and offer me some peanut butter coops,
which was incredible. I love these ones. Uh, they're chocolate,
they're organic. Well, I'm kind of a I love chocolate,
including the dark chocolate brownie ones. All these are organic.
So even when I'm eating these brownies and Justin's, the
Justin's peanut butter coups that I get from Thrive Market,
I feel healthy because it's as organic and it is organic.

(46:37):
It's it's funny how it works in your head. It
says organic and you're like, I'm gonna eat as many
of these as I want, and it's fine. It's like
eating an apple. Really, you can get everything you need.
Like we talked about non gmo food, you can't snacks, vitamins, supplements,
personal care products. They have the Thrive organic mustard. Isn't
it the worst when you go to the grocery store
and you buy like everything you need for like either

(46:59):
hand burger, and you forget the one thing you forget.
I did the same thing, we get mustard. The other day.
I made a pizza at home and I forgot to
bring a ranch back. You always forget the condiments. It
was pretty bad. Anyways, Thrive is so incredible and I
love most. What I love most about Thrive is is
this whole organic healthy movement that's been going on. So
I just ordered some of my favorite products, like Dr
Browner's organic lavender hand sanitizer. Not a big hand santor

(47:22):
sanitizer guy, but the fact that it's organic makes me
feel a little bit better about using it. I'm obviously
not a big soap guy, but Mrs Myers Honeysuckle hand
soap is making a comeback, and it's making a comeback
in Dean. You don't want to get six for Thanksgiving,
so you need these products. That's part of it. But
what I really like is just how they're organic, how
they're natural. Like you said earlier, non gmo foods, the snacks,

(47:43):
vitamin supplements, personal care products, all that stuff. Um, so
you talked about your favorite part. My favorite part of
five market is the fact that I don't have to
go to the grocery store anymore. Driving there, especially in
Los Angeles, I always have to find parking because there's
there's never a parking lot anymore. Always gotta try to
find parking or have to pay for it. So my
favorite part is the fact that Thrive Market not only
get to pick it online, but it's delivered right to

(48:05):
your door. We're just getting our whole life delivered to
us nowadays. It's great fantas most men thing in the world.
Difficult to meet someone when that's happening. Maybe we'll meet
the delivery person. Anyways, keep in mind that thrive markets
prices are already up to fifty off and now they're
giving you an extra off your very first order plus
a free thirty day trial. So I head to thrive

(48:26):
market dot com slash dean. That's thrive market dot com
slash dean. I'm going to spell it for you. T
h r I v E M A r k E
t dot com slash d e A N and get
off your first order plus of free thirty day trial.
That's incredible. We're giving you basically your entire life for
free at least for the next thirty days through Thrive

(48:49):
Market and some of our other sponsors, so be sure
to check them out now, Vanessa, would you like to
tell us about your favorite luggage company? Oh? I want
it well, first fall. As you guys know, I travel
a lot. Dean, you travel a lot too, But I'll
be having like a backpack. I was in Toronto, got
back my suitcase busted. I was in Bobby, got back
my other suitcase is busted. So then I discovered this

(49:09):
company called Away Luggage. Is also the perfect time right
now because the holidays around the corner and everyone kind
of wants to get away um for whatever reason. So
Away Luggage is the perfect way to travel with their
universal pieces. Everything Away Luggage makes is designed to solve
real travel problems for real life and work. Right now,
all I travel with is the Aluminium Edition carry on suitcase.

(49:30):
It has an unbreakable aluminum shell. I am a little,
actually very clumsy when it comes to putting in my
luggage in and out of my cars, and so this
is this is great so far. It's it's it's pretty durable.
Um so it's awesome because we know how rough our
luggages are being handled at the airport or if it's
handled by me. It comes with the removable laundry bag,

(49:52):
so when I get home, I just throw the laundry
bag in the wash and I'm done. It saves me
so much time when I'm trying to unpack at home,
which not is not always a funnest thing to do.
After Um, a nice little getaway. And the best part
get this. This is the first time I actually have
a luggage like this. It charges your cell phone. I
don't know if you guys know that there are luggages
now that have the cell phone charger. This is completely

(50:13):
new to me. It's fantastic. It's one of the best
things that are amazing. Yeah. So it has a portable
charging battery built into the suitcase. You just plug your
cord into the luggage and it charges. It charges a
for you while you're at the airport, which is great
because sometimes you're on smaller flights and they have no
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(51:17):
All right, we're gonna jump back into the questions a
few more here right. I wanted to ask one by
let me just scroll up here here. While you're scrolling,
I want to I wanna talk about one question real quick.
We don't really have to discuss it too much. But
Shannon Scardeccio says, oh, that's the one I talk to
talk about. Perfect. It's perfect, perfect, So she says, I've

(51:38):
been with my man for four years. It's coming January.
We're currently saving to buy a home, but I'm still
waiting for him to pop the question. We talked about
getting married all the time. We basically have the wedding plan,
but I have no ring. Should I be worried or
just keep waiting? And the reason I double started that question, Shannon,
is because my brother and his girlfriend of five years,
they've been dating each other for five years. Boyfriend girl

(52:00):
friend just got engaged yesterday, And so that said, I
don't think four years is too long. Granted, there are
like a lot of long relationships that can tend to
lead to nothing, But I do want to point out
that my brother's relationship, love him to death, love his
fiance to death. Now, they were dating boyfriend girlfriend for
five whole years, and maybe even dating a little bit
before that. So just because it's four years into it

(52:22):
and you're not engaged yet doesn't mean it's impossible. That
was my That was my input on that. I agree,
But just to play Devil's advocate, please play away. What's
he waiting for? That's the question. They've talked about wedding
for so long, and the only thing I can maybe
assume is that he doesn't have enough as much money
as he wants saved up for the ring. I think

(52:43):
say it took to be honest about it. Damn Vanessa,
and listen, especially if they're being open about it. Seems
like they're they're being open about talking about getting married
and all that stuff. As a man, wouldn't I be like, listen,
this is a situation. No. As a man, you're more insecure,

(53:06):
and you're like, I don't want her to know that
I can't afford the ring that I want to give her,
and they're talking about marriage. If they're talking openly about marriage,
I feel like he wants it. It's just a matter
of time. Maybe he needs to get some other things
in line in his life before he's willing to There's
boxes he hasn't checked yet. Didn't you have to have
some things dialed Jared before you felt like you were
ready to ask the question? No, I just kind of
flew into it. No, I agree. I think I got

(53:30):
lucky because I kind of went through those boxes. It's
a long story, but I knew when I proposed to, actually,
this is the person I want to spend the rest
of my life with Yeah, so I was just lucky,
I think honestly, though, do you think you need all
your boxes checked off before you get engaged? I don't think.
But what I've learned about men so far, and it's
hard to generalize an entire gender, well, it's easy too,

(53:54):
but it's it's maybe not the best thing too. It's
not right, it's not the best thing. But generally, um,
there are some boxes that need to get checked for
someone to feel ready. I think that can be said
for women as well. I think it's for both genders.
The reason I bring this up is because my cousin
great guy. Uh, he's in his late thirties now single, UM,
good looking guy, as many girlfriends, but like a lot

(54:16):
of the time when he was with a girl, he
was in long relationships, but he never proposed or wanted
to get married because he was like, I'm not ready,
I'm not in a place, I'm not in a place,
I'm not ready to get engaged. So he went on
and did his own thing, blah blah blah. And now
he's in up his thirties and like he's kind of
looking back. And I was talking to him about this,
and he said I'm not sure if I'm ever gonna
be ready. He's like, I think I was just kind

(54:37):
of not making excuses. But I look back and I
realized that maybe there was never going to a point
where I thought to myself, now I'm ready to get engaged,
because I think he regrets some of those relationships and
letting go of them because he thought, no, I'm not
ready yet. So how do they were? So how does
this pretend to Shannon? Do you think? Do you think
that sure? Did he ever talk to his girlfriends about

(54:58):
getting married even though never would be ready? It doesn't
pretend to Shannon, And Shannon, I'm sorry about that. The
only reason I brought it up was because you bring
maybe this guy didn't have his boxes checked off. In
my suggestion would be, Shannon, if that is the case
for your man and he doesn't have his boxes checked
off and that's why he's not proposing, then he just
needs to get over that and realized there's never gonna
be a point when in your life when you're like,

(55:20):
now I'm ready. How do we feel about how do
we feel about gender reversal? The woman asking the man
to marry her, Well, that's the thing I think that
we have this issue because it's generally more often the
man who does the proposing. And I know plenty of
a woman now who are starting to propose, and I
think that it could be on Channon if she's ready
to say I want this and put it on the table,

(55:42):
or there's saying that I love. When you found the
person that you're going to spend the rest of your
life with, there's no more rush. And I don't wonder
what Shannon is in a hurry to have right. I
have a hard time. I have a hard time digesting that,
only because I feel like women are way more I

(56:02):
think they are more ready to fully commit than men.
And so when the men reach that point of wanting
to fully commit, that's when they take charge and get
down on one need. But what's the difference between fully
committing if your boyfriend girlfriend versus fully committing if your
husband wife? What's the full commitment mean just the rest
of eternity? Yeah, but these it's like buying a condo

(56:25):
versus renting a condo. When you're renting it, you're not
as invested. If you're buying it, you're going to fix
the walls that you break, You're gonna make sure that
the floors aren't. You're not gonna wear your heels on
wooden floors because you don't want them to scratch. You're
gonna be way more invested. So I don't suggest that
Shannon goes out and proposes to her man. I think

(56:45):
the biggest thing in relationships that we're lacking and we're
maybe afraid of is just openly communicating what we're feeling
to say it. You know, I wish Shannon I'd want
to ask the question, just ask what's what's up? How
are you feeling? When do you see this happening? And
to Ry's point, it's like, what's the rush, right, unless

(57:06):
unless you're planning on having kids. I think kids are
the one kiding that brings you to like be like, okay,
now we need to get married in terms of time constraints,
Like obviously a lot of people like to get married
and not wait and have kids and all that kind
of stuff. But other than that, it's like, what's wrong
with going through your rest of your life and like
a very civil domestic partnership with the love of your
life and there's nothing wrong with it, But there is
wrong with something in relationship if one person wants to

(57:26):
get married another person doesn't, because that does create tension. Yeah, yeah,
if one if the guy's like, no, I'm gonna be
with you for the rest of my life, but I
don't ever want to get married. I think for the
woman or whichever, you know, we're gender, one person in
the in the relationship says I never want to get married,
and the other person does that crazy cause attention Because
then my question would be for the person who doesn't

(57:48):
want to get married but wants to be with that
person for the rest of their life, my question would be,
why don't you want to get married? Yeah, just don't
want to sign something. There are a lot of people
who don't want to get married now who who find
just having a civil relationship enough, And I think that's
perfect it, says Shannon, saying that they're both talking about
getting married all the time, so it sounds like he
does so I just think, yeah, it's an honest question.

(58:10):
What's going on for you? My sister and I had
this conversation the other day. I don't know if I
talked about this last week on the podcast, but she's married.
She's been married for three years to her husband who
is a I think he's a citizen of I can't
remember some Central American country. So he wasn't a US citizen.
He was here on green card, and she loved him
and was in a relationship with him for a couple
of years, and she's like, I married him because I
wanted to give him citizenship to the country. If if

(58:30):
he was an American citizen, I would have just been
his girlfriend for the rest of my life. Like I'd
had no real interest in getting married for the for
the legality of it, but more so to grant him
the citizenship. And so she ran or I guess contrary
to how it typically is, she was the one that
was open and wanted to just be in a relationship
forever but not necessarily put a label on it as
an husband wife. Um, And so I think it goes

(58:51):
both ways. I think that's becoming more and more popular nowadays.
Nowadays two is of just just two people being in
a relationship forever instead of getting married. Yeah, apstially, there's
like no kids or anything coming into the right and
you could wake up every morning and make it amazing
and say I choose you today, I choose you every day.
It doesn't need to be that we legalize it to
have something amazing. Bring the government. But just yeah, the

(59:12):
two people though, like you said, Jared need ton't want
the same thing. Yeah, exactly. I think that's the biggest
thing of ven S. I want to bounce off a
point they made earlier about, um, you don't think a
girl should propose because a guy needs to propose when
he feels ready. Because I feel like, and I agree
with you, I feel like guys take a little bit
longer to feel like they're ready to be in a
committed relationship than women do. But I think my advice
for guys would be that I'm not sure if you're

(59:34):
ever going to truly feel ready, you kind of have
to take a little bit of a leap of faith.
Um and UM. I think with guys, and you know,
just everybody in general, complacency prevents progress. And I think
especially when you're in a kind of a long relationship,
maybe like Shannon and her Man four years, there's like, well,
what's the need to like, why would I have to
progress it? It's good, it's fine. We don't need to

(59:56):
make it any better than it already is. Um. And
I think people react to it like a dramatic event
happening in their life. And sometimes when you feel like
you're about to lose something, that's what really causes you
to act, because that's what kicks you into gear and
kicks your ass into being ready in that moment. So
I don't know that's a hard thing to do. I'm
not saying Shannon should, like you know, say I'm gonna
break up with you. But I think Shannon wouldn't be

(01:00:17):
the worst idea to have a conversation with your guy
and say, listen, this is what I want. What are
your thoughts about it? Because this is what I need. Yeah,
and just share a vision, this is what I see,
and this is how I see us together long term
and compare notes because he just may have a different
timeline and that could be just enough to have Shannon
feel good again. But I don't think you should be worried.

(01:00:38):
I don't think there's any no reason to worry. Like
I said, my brother and his girlfriend just got engaged
after five years. It's it can happen. Should we do
like a rapid fire saying well, yeah, yeah, we need
to get through his question a little bit faster. But Dan,
I want to ask you one from Raquel. She goes Dan,
Vanessa and Vanessa you can obviously this. Yeah, what are
your feelings on deleting pictures, comments, posts of your ex

(01:00:59):
is on your social media? Did you delete everything that
includes your exes so your new significant other doesn't have
to see them? Um Na, go first, Yes, go first. Okay,
I had this issue when I was younger. I would
be a little bit I guess, I would say insecure
and territorial, and I would question the level of that

(01:01:22):
person's ability to get over their ex if they still
had pictures of them on social media, etcetera, etcetera. I
still have pictures of Nick and I on social media,
and I mean, you really have to scroll down to
see our pictures. But it was a big part of
my my past, and I still very much respect him
in the relationship that we had, so I don't feel

(01:01:42):
the need to delete any of that. Um and I
want to be able to invite the person that I
will be dating into my life and someone that is
um I guess emotionally I don't like using this word
after the show, but emotionally intelligent enough to understand that
people do have of past past relationships and past lives

(01:02:03):
and people can um completely get over their relationship and
be on neutral terms with their ex partner. UM. So
I think I think it's a level of respect for
the people that you've dated. UM. But I can totally
understand how some people can see it as a oh
my god, for sure they're still in love with their
ex boyfriend or their ex skull front. Yeah, that's my take.

(01:02:25):
I can see that as well. It's funny because actually
I was randomly, I was like a partner with a brand,
maybe not too long ago, and they're like, all right,
send us the highlights of your Instagram posts through the
past year that have the most engagement and send us
a screenshot of your top. That's why I just said
out there, you got too much engagement. Of the fifteen
pictures were with a girl that I was dating at

(01:02:47):
the time, whether it was Christina, Rachel Leslie. Gosh, that
sounds so bad to say all of those names out
and it's it's obviously like we're not going to not
delete something for the sake of engagement, but it's like
it's just funny to see that those ones do well.
And it's always especially depending on how the relationship ended, right,
if it ended in bad on bad blood, on bad terms,
whatever it is, then maybe you could delete them. But

(01:03:07):
I've never deleted other than before going on the show
to spare my ex the the publicity of being on
my very public Instagram before going on the show. Like, yeah,
that makes sense. But other other than that, I don't
think I've ever deleted anything except maybe in college, I
broke up with a girlfriend and I took that breakup
pretty hard, and I deleted a lot of pictures. I

(01:03:28):
think for the most part, it's fine. You don't have
to delete. I'm with you, guys, all right, this this
is from Betsy somebody we should do a little bit
more rapid fire. What is the dumbest reason someone broke
up with you or you broke up with them. We're
not necessarily dumb, but crazy. Sure. I don't know if
I have a dumb breakup. No dumb breakups. It's just
consistently like, oh, I don't know if I want anything
serious right now? Ye never do just tell me you're

(01:03:49):
not into me, Like come on, yeah, I never broke
up with somebody because like they're pinky toe is bigger
than I got broken up because I don't you soap.
I'm making that up, but that would be a good story,
should have win with it. Um. I feel like I
have a hard time answering that one because I can
always find the good reason for thing, you know, like

(01:04:12):
every every reason is validated. I mean, Deason's got one
for us. This wasn't the main reason. But I was
told a young lady broke up with me because I
can't be with someone whose favorite restaurant is the cheesecake Factory.
I broke my heart because cheese cake Factory is amazing. Yeah. Good,
We sorted her out quickly. God. I hope I pray

(01:04:34):
that she went on a date with some of the
dude and the first date he took her to cheesecake
Factory happen and she marries that man and they go
there on their honeymoon. I will say I've been opened
up about this before, like I used to not have
very much money, and I've I've definitely been broken up
with because I wasn't well enough, like rich enough, essentially,
like I can buy enough things, Which is fine, because

(01:04:55):
if that's why you're gonna break up with me, and that
that I don't want to be with you in the
first place, you don't want to be with them. But
I've heard through other people, like third party sources, like
oh this girl stopped talking to you because you didn't
have enough money for her. It's like okay, good, Like, UM,
I have a question on my Instagram. How do you
tell the difference between infatuation and love and a relationship? Uh? Time, Yeah,
if you can, if you don't be around that person

(01:05:17):
all the time, but you still appreciate that. And I
think if you're infatuated with them, if you're still dating
them a year until the relationship, then that's probably love
and not infatuation. You know, infatuation I think wears off quickly,
so the more time you spend with them in terms
of you know, months or years, I think that is love,
not infatuation. That's why I think it's so important to
build a friendship too before going into relationship with someone,

(01:05:37):
because then you know it's not infatuation, which you still
want to have, but it's also that you really enjoy
just being around them. Yeah, and it's different levels. Infatuation
is really more about taking from someone, you know, it's
about being around them for yourself. When you're in love,
it's about giving interesting what can they do for you? Infatuation? Yeah,
there's more of it. I want to take care of
you and make you happy. Vibe. That's where you're here.

(01:05:58):
Sure you're aren't You're so intelligent. This is interesting what
I wanted us to touch on because we don't have
much of a of a voice from this side of things.
What would you guys do if you were into the
same sex and your mom knows them, but it's told
you not to date them, but you love them. This
is a very There's a lot of moving parts in
this one. And now you're now you're secretly engaged while

(01:06:19):
you're still living with your mom. Holy crap. McKenzie is
struggling because she just wants to be yourself but scared
her mom will disown her like she had talked about.
It makes me sad. It makes me so sad. Well,
congratulations you're engaged. Congratulations is in order. Thank you for
sharing that with us. It's hard. It's obviously hard for
us to give advice on this stuff too, because it

(01:06:40):
doesn't necessarily directly affect us. Yeah, it's tough, um, and
so it's always easy to give like unbiased, unconsequential advice.
But what do you guys think, Well, what I would
say is I'm not a fan of holding back in
relationship or hiding in any way, and that includes your mom.
You know, an honest, open hearted relationship is what we're
here to have with our parents and whoever we're with.

(01:07:01):
So there's some fear that your mom has that we
want to honor and and I think there's a like
this is the theme of our podcast today, right that
having a brave conversation with mom to say this is
who I am, this is what I want. Do you
think that it's more respectful for her to tell her
mom or do you think it's more respectful to honor
her feelings and not like freak her out by telling

(01:07:24):
her wellings? No, she's doing a disservice by not telling her. Yeah,
but to what she just said, her mom would be
like off put and freaked out if she found this out.
And so don't you think you're kind of helping her
by not well, then how would you want to live
in a lie? For? Yeah, it maybe come down to
a shelter thing, like she needs this house, she needs

(01:07:47):
to live with her mom. It could be a resources issue.
But in that case, I think if mom can't accept
Mackenzie for who she truly is, then then you know,
this is one of those moments where you give mom
love from afar. I think that's where you take your
your love and your sweetheart that you're going to live

(01:08:07):
the rest of your life with, and you continue to
love mom and talk through it. But maybe not in
the same house if she if she can't take that
because she said her mom threatened disowning her right, well,
so so Jared. Then Uh, a exercise for you say
that you have a bit of knowledge about me that
would absolutely crush me, but it's true to yourself. Would
you tell me that and devastate me? Or would you

(01:08:28):
keep it to yourself and allow me to keep on
living my life? Well, I think that's different. Well, I
think that's a different question though, because you're talking about Mackenzie,
who's just truly being herself, you know, And there's a
differ relationship between you and I and a mother and
a daughter relationship. I'm not living under you a room fight. Well,
and you're also didn't raise me or I was not
born from you as far as I know. Um, But

(01:08:51):
I think with this, obviously it's hard, Like Dean said,
for us to give you any advice on this, because
we can't imagine what you're going through. For me, I
think you're scared that your mom will disown you. That
doesn't necessarily mean that she will disown you. One of
my good friends is gay, and I remember he was
telling me the story about when he came out in
high school and he saw his dad would hate him,
and you know, it was an adjustment period for his dad,
but you know, he loved it more than anything. He

(01:09:13):
accepted him for who he was. He never disowned him. Um,
but I remember him telling me the story how freaked
out he was, that like the same thing you're going through, Mackenzie,
where he thought his dad was just gonna never talked
to him again. UM. So it's a scary time. But
if you well, when parents say things like this, they're
usually coming from a place of fear for their children.

(01:09:33):
But the only thing is her mom's not saying it.
She's nervous that her mom will say it. I thought
she had said that she had threatened it once before
and now used to she talked about before. Yeah, at
the very you guys do if you're in the same
sex and your mom knows them, but has told you
not to date them, but you love them. Oh, so
this might not even be It might just be the

(01:09:57):
person that might be the person. So I think that
was interpreting the question right. Okay, but listen, if we
look at that too, and and mom or dad, any
one of our parents told us not to marry the
person we wanted to marry, it makes us wanted more.
You think that has happened. It's I mean, that's a
little psychology one on one right there. Usually you want

(01:10:20):
what you can't have. Yeah, you want your We have
free will, and we want what we want, and we
want our parents to support us. So anything, there's like
an urge within us to make our parents happy at
the end of the day too. So it's like if
we don't want to be in a relationship with someone
that would make them mone happy. It's so complicated because, yeah,
you want everybody to be happy with your decision. Parents.
If you found somebody that you loved or jared with Ashley,

(01:10:41):
if somebody you know that you love one of your
parents told you you couldn't puts you in a real bind. Oh,
of course, I couldn't imagine. One of the things I've
always said, it's a very obvious thing. But the person
I'm with I want my family to love. I want
my family to want to hang out with them more
than me. UM. So I couldn't imagine being a relationship

(01:11:02):
where my parents did not approve of that person. That's
a really difficult position to be in. UM. The way
to get around a conflict like this, though, is to
know that there's always something that the two of them
want that's the same. So Mom and Mackenzie probably both
want Mackenzie to be happy. Mom and Mackenzie both want
Mackenzie to be loved. So that's the ground to start at, Mackenzie,

(01:11:25):
to talk to your mom about the fact that you
both want the same thing and that maybe it's not
with the right same person. But start that brave conversation. Yeah,
and maybe bring this other person into it. Yeah, and
what would it look like do you? You know? I
think there's a question to mom, what do you need
in order to feel better about this decision? Because the

(01:11:47):
mom is probably thinking about her future and how hard
it's going to be for her if this person we
don't know what why mom doesn't like that person? Well,
there we go, all right, we should do one more
question and then so off for the for the week.
So we're gonna go to Natalie Joseph. Sorry, I feel
like I'm anopolizing all the questions over here. But Natalie asks,
do any of you believe that in relationships it's important

(01:12:10):
for one person to love the other one more? Obviously
this is hard to define, but usually the one who
will be less subborn slash go further than the other person.
I totally feel this way about a lot of the
successful marriages and relationships I've been exposed to. So what
she's asking is, in relationships, it seems like there's always
one person that likes the other more so than the
other person. Do you think that that's necessary in successful relationships? Vanessa?

(01:12:31):
What are your thoughts about it? And then I'll go, Um,
I feel naturally in relationships kind of like our shoes, right,
there's one foot that's always bigger than the other. So
I feel like in relationships to there's someone that's going
to be a little bit more committed or into the
relationship than some than someone else at one stage. But
I do think that it it alters depending on what

(01:12:53):
stage of relationship is in. I know, going into relationship.
I'm someone that's fully committed UM, and so at times
I am someone that maybe a little bit more into
it than my partner. UM. And I actually don't mind that.
I actually like being in control, I guess, and being
able to UM give. I'm I'm a giver, so I

(01:13:13):
like to be able to provide. If I find providing
emotion or love or communication to that person, I like
doing that. UM. I don't know if it's necessarily important
to find someone that loves you more or loves more
than the other person. I think it'll in different stages,
it will come in waves. UM. So I don't think

(01:13:35):
I'm looking like if I'm talking personally, I don't think
I'm looking for someone that loves me more than I
love them. I think I want to find at an
equal partnership. And of course within that partnership there's going
to be moments where someone might be more committed than
the other. But I think it's important to have an
evil even playing field. It does kind of suck in
dating how it always seems like the person with the

(01:13:56):
most power is the person that cares the least. Have
noticed that? And I say, and I also say, as
happy as at least happiest person, because when someone is miserable,
it brings that, like that level of love down and
you're like starting to requestion, You're starting to question where
your relationship is at. So do you think that's necessary
to be in a relationship? Then the like the push
and pull, give and take. No. I think what we're

(01:14:20):
seeing is a lot of relationships where one person is
kind of taking the role as being the bigger person,
the one who's more willing to take the high road.
And I think in an ideal relationship, you don't know
who's leading or who's following that that that dances is
back and forth. On a day when I'm depleted and
I'm tired, you know, hopefully my man picks up my

(01:14:41):
slack and has got my back and understands, and on
other days he's going to spin out. I'm going to
be there for him. And and if we get stuck
in one role or the other, that's a red flag.
I think we also have to remember that people show
their love in different ways. So if you see a
couple that's out and one person is more tough she
or vocal about their feelings and the other, I don't

(01:15:02):
think that necessarily correlates to one person loving the other
person more. Um, I think I can talk about this.
Ashley's parents are the two most loving people you ever meet,
and they're madly in love. But if you just saw
them afar, you would say, oh my god, her dad
is way more in love with than a mom than
she is back. But that's just not true. Um. They

(01:15:22):
just show their love differently, Like he's far more outwardly
about it and how much he loves and cares for
and he knows that she loves him back. Um, but
it's just it's just she shows it in a different way.
So I think that's also something to remember when talking
about this. You know, I have a question before we
end off, and this is a personal question, something that

(01:15:43):
happened to me and a couple of questions that have
been sent to me. Um today, age a g do
you think from men age is a factor when dating women?
And I will tell you a story. I bump Okay,
I'm gonna tell you a story. I bumped into someone
at justin Cole He's wedding in California, and he came
up to me and he's like, oh, Vanessa, it's so

(01:16:04):
good to see it's been It's has been such a
long time, like, yeah, you know. And then we're talking
about he's like, oh, I'm going to stay in l
A for a couple of years. I'm like, oh, well
until when he's like, oh, thirty five and I'm like, oh,
how old are you now? He's like twenty seven. I'm like, oh, dude,
that's not a couple. That's a few years. He's like,
why how old are you. I'm like, I'm thirty one.
He's like, wow, Vanessa, good for you. You You look twenty five.
I'm like, oh, thank you. And then he puts his

(01:16:25):
hand on my shoulder and he's like, well, it's been
nice catching up and he just walks away, and I'm like,
I don't think it is super important in my opinion.
I don't think super portant, but it's absolutely a factor. Okay,
so if you met a nineteen year old right now
that you're madly in love with, it would not matter
that she's nineteen. Uh you know I I was madly

(01:16:49):
in love with her, But I'm not saying that it
would have told you back, how did I meet this
nineteen year old? Instagram? I'm not going to respond to
a nineteen year olds Instagram. Okay, you're walking, you're is
she's underage at a bar and you didn't know it. No,
I'm the point that I'm making. The point that I'm
making is is that guy in Vanessa's case is just sucks.

(01:17:11):
That guy just sucks basically what it is. I think
we've talked about age two further extens and in previous podcast,
but I feel like there's like a buffer. You can
go either six years up, six years down, but even
that that those are like loose terms. Like I went
on a date not too long ago with like a
thirty seven year old and she was the most like,
like energetic, expressive person I've met in a long long time.

(01:17:34):
I like literally thought that she was twenty four, and
then she told me she just celebrated like her thirty
seventh birthday. I'm like, wow, that's crazy. It's like, in
my opinion, it's not the most important thing in the world,
and I think that we can all kind of agree
on that too. Granted, is like extreme lengths like, of
course it's not the most important thing, nor should it be.
But the idea that it doesn't matter when people are
like age doesn't matter, I can't get down with. I

(01:17:56):
think it does matter to a certain extent. If you
see a seventy five year old dating a twenty four
year old, you're not going to look twice at that.
That's just gonna be like, oh no, it doesn't matter.
Let him. Let the Patriots date like a twenty six
year old. Well, Robert Kraft owner has like a little
bit younger girlfriend. His wife passed away fe years ago. Tragic.
It's interesting to me what age equals, like you said,

(01:18:16):
energetic and expressive. Usually people equate a younger age with
more energy, right, And it depends she just had a
very youthful look about her. And I would never like
ask someone's age, but she just like said something longline.
So I just celebrated my three seventh birthday and I
like stopped dead in my tracks and I was like, what,
that's crazy to me? So Vanessa, like I said, I
think it's just that guy is just that guy that's crazy.

(01:18:37):
That's crazy to me. I was blown away. And I've
known this girl for a while too, like we've been
friends for like a long time, and I guess I've
just never inquired about her age. And it's like, you know,
someone for what six not eight? Seven months? And you're like,
you have this one thought of how old you think
they are. It turns out there a decade you went
on a date with this girl. Yeah it was purely platonic,

(01:18:57):
like it was a friend date. But it was one
of those things where like we're friends. Should we she
a part of Bachelor Nation? No? Who? No, I was
just trying to narrow it down. I don't know, you
don't know. It's it's it's a huh. I agree with
you in the world. Yeah, it's a factor, but I
see on Paradise next year, Dean, Vanessa. It depends on

(01:19:23):
where the age factors in on the list of requirements. Right.
If it's at the very top along with looks, you know,
then you're going to get a certain date official though, right,
I don't agree if it's not at the top. So
you're saying, Vanessa, that looks is not a part of
your resume at all. So looks has nothing? Okay, So

(01:19:45):
on a dating app, hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, wait wait wait wait wait wait, I I'm
into it. It's weird because if you're okay to say
you can care about somebody won't Listen. If I if
you put a supermodel in front of me, I'll be like, yeah,
he's cute, but I'm not. I'm just not attracted to
like guys with six packs and I'm not. No, but

(01:20:08):
I'm saying, like the guy that most people will find attractive,
I'm like, next, that's fine, you have a different attraction
like you find on the list. No, I'm not even
talking about further down the list what most people find attractive.
You don't. But you still find things physically attractive Vanessa,
And that's quite all right, and that is a part.
But that's that's not first. That's maybe secondary because first
fine could make me laugh, then yes, then I'll find

(01:20:30):
you more attractive. It's not my first, right, I'm not
saying it should be. It's not my first. But the
idea that like people are like, looks don't matter, age
doesn't matter. I'm like, I don't believe you. I think
you're lying. I think it's a factor, even if it's
a five percent factor. It's a part of finding the
person you're gonna spend. But it's not like the top
five things. That's what I mean. Like, for me, looks

(01:20:50):
is not is not the first thing that I'm like, oh, yeah,
I find this guy. That's the way the apps are.
I'll set up to do. That's you were going to
go up to someone at a bar that you find
physically attractive, you know, exactly the same premises and like,
for me, physical attraction not is not just looks, but
it's an aroma, you know, like you are just like
attracted to that person. Yeah, yeah, that's a connection. Which

(01:21:15):
do you think you can get that off in an app?
Can you feel that aroma? I'm not going to discourage
people if they try, I'm not sure if they can. Yeah,
but I'm not going to tell someone that they can't.
You know, my sister met her husband on an online
dating app, um, you know, and so they're married. Uh,
they actually just got married in September. Very exciting. She's wonderful,

(01:21:39):
he's wonderful. But so, you know, I'm not going to
really say is it easy. No, it's hard, but it's
worth it. Yeah, if you do find that someone, it's
worth it. Yeah. Alright, Well, I think we answered most
of the questions. Obviously we didn't. We're able to get
to all of them. I feel like we would answer
a question and go off on some crazy tangent. Hours later,

(01:21:59):
we circled all day. You could do this all day.
Maybe we should have a week where we record a
podcast every day of the week, because I feel like
we just freaking ramble on forever. Anyways, that'll do it
for this week's episode. Before we go, though, I do
want to give one quick shout out to The pie Hole.
I don't know if you guys have heard of the
pie Hole, but they have been introducing these small, round,
two bite pies, perfect for a quick snack and eating

(01:22:20):
on the go, and four flavors caramel, apple, blueberry crumble,
Mexican chocolate, and the Tela. Pie Hole makes the perfect
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restaurants in Hollywood, Venice, Long Beach, Pasadena, Orange County, and
more so if you're in l A, check them out.
Stay out to date with the pie Hole by following
at the pie Hole l A on social media. Thank
you so much for the delicious pie today, pie Hole. Um,

(01:22:42):
big big thank you to Sharie Heally got it right
that time. Be sure to check her out because you
have a website, right Yeah, okay, so plug the website
real quick, Shy dot com in Instagram, Sure the Luminaries
the Luminaries on the Luminaries. Be sure to check her
out life coach, slash possible, militarian, What other labels? What

(01:23:02):
other designations? Wonderful, amazing, beautiful, smart, intellectual, It's funny, loves
her some I Suck at Dating podcast, Love Love Love
you make. Thank you to our sponsors, the Growth Collaborative
being one of them. Be sure to go to Grow
dot co slash dean Um. Big thank you to Thrive Market.

(01:23:24):
Be sure to go to Thrive market dot com slash
Dean for next off your first order and thirty day
free trial. Big thank you to Away Luggage for twenty
dollars off suitcase. You can visit away travel dot com
slash Dating and use promo code dating during check out.
Big thank you to Amazon fire Tv. Be sure to
go to Amazon dot com slash I Suck Podcast to

(01:23:45):
order a fire TV for your very own today. Great
Christmas gift right there as well. And a big thank
you to the Legacy Box. Go to Legacy Box dot
com slash Dean and you save yourself for today. Biggest
thank you of all to everyone that submitted a question
on the Facebook page Instagram email, whatever it might be. Again,
don't forget to subscribe on to the Facebook Help I

(01:24:05):
Suck At Dating group because that's what we tend to
check the most. I see Jared's pretty active in there too.
That's basically only reason I get on Facebook anymore. UM,
be sure to send your emails questions. We love the
drama stories. Actually, someone d Emilier day that said you
should take more emails because I need some more drama
in my life. So if you've got a dramatic dating story,
please email us spell that to help I Suck at

(01:24:25):
Dating at iHeart media dot com. Give us your juiciest
dating story and we'll be sure to feature it next
week on the podcast. I think. Actually next week it's
gonna be justin S and I UM, and they're gonna
take a week off for Thanksgiving and then we'll be
back first thing at the end of the month. UM.
If you haven't already followed the Help I Suck At
Dating I Instagram page, and check out shriek Healey all

(01:24:46):
over the Internet and making lives better one life at
a time the best. UM. Anyways, thank you so much
for listening to this week's episode of Help I suck
at Dating. Be sure to tune in next week. Maybe
we'll suck a little bit less. Follow how by Suck
at Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared on I Heart
Radio or wherever you listen to podcast h

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