The Rudolph Rant

Here 'tis:  The annual trashing of this beloved holiday classic!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Scott Vordiez. Last night, CBS aired the annual holiday classic
from nineteen sixty four, that is Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
You got burl Ives as the Snowman, and to this day,
I really have only a vague idea what burl Ives
actually looks like. I only know what the snowman version

(00:23):
of burl Ives looks like. And they aired that on
CBS last night, a whole hour's worth of Rudolph the
Red Nose Reindeer, And you know the story. Rudolph and
his red shiny nose eventually helped Santa Claus guide his
sleigh through the horrible Christmas storm so he can take
the misfit toys and the rest of the gifts to
all the good little girls and boys across the world.

(00:44):
It's a nice story, right, not the way it's presented
on that annual TV show. And I was not smart
enough to realize I was being indoctrinated as a child
when I watched it. And I had half a mind
to turn the TV off last night and not let
my three year old daughter Grace watch it, but she
loves it so much and I'm wrapped around her finger.

(01:07):
How can I say no. In fact, we even dvr
at it so she can watch it again, maybe a
time or two before Christmas, because there are times at
Vorhees Villas where I have absolutely no issue with letting
the television babysit my kid for an hour. Judge at
your own risk. The thing about the Rudolph story that

(01:29):
gets me every year, and there are lots of little
parts about the Rudolph story that just kind of make
me a little bit nervous about the whole thing. But
the thing, more than anything else, is just what a
d with a Capitol bag Santa Claus is. I don't

(01:50):
want my daughter getting a vision in her head of
Santa Claus being that jerk that he is in the
Rudolph Show, and he never improves. Listen some of these
clips of Santa Claus from last night's Rudolph the Red
Nose Reindeer. I pulled these off of a someone else
on YouTube has realized that Santa is as big a
jerk as as I seen him to be, and they've

(02:12):
spliced together some of these clips with the Peter Gunn
theme underneath, So that's why you're hearing it. It's not
in the original show. But you still hear in this theme.
This is right after Rudolph has performed very well, after
meeting that fluozy Clarice at the Reindeer Games. Remember that Randy,
he just met this little dough and already she's coming

(02:34):
on to him. I think you're cute, gives him a
little kiss. What a little fluozy, and it's I don't
don't I understand why. It's because her dad is comment
that bigoted coach who talks like a nineteen twenties gangster's
like Edward G. Robinson is voicing comment, all right, see
we're gonna we're gonna have you reindeer fly now, Clarice.

(02:55):
I don't want you around that reindeer. He's got a
red nose from you know, Edward Gee Robinson is comment
in the Old Rudolph Show. So that bigoted jerk is
raising a daughter, and it's obvious he only cares about
you know, guy stuff. He's probably not paying any attention
to his daughter, and so she's vying for the attention
of any guy she can. That's why she just meets

(03:17):
Rudolph and already she's trying to jump in the sack
with him, and they're just kids. She's a little heo,
is what she is. So this little salute of a
reindeer just tells Rudolph that she thinks he's cute, gives
him a little kiss, and suddenly he's all pardon the expression,
and only because they're reindeer and they have a rack
of antlers, he's all horned up, and so he starts

(03:39):
flying around and all the reindeer like, wow, that's impressive,
that's great. And then he, you know, he kind of
starts wrestling with some of the other reindeer, and that's
when his fake nose pops off and everyone sees that
he has a red, shiny nose. And so now all
the reindeer and making fun of him, all right, Now,

(04:00):
at this point, it's time for an authority figure to
step up and say, all right, all right, that's enough
of that. We're not gonna have any name calling. We're
not gonna have any mocking of a reindeer because he
has a different colored nose than the rest of you. Right,
time for an adult to step in. Why not Santa Claus?
After all, he's a jolly old elf. Time for Santa

(04:23):
Claus to step in lend some reason to it. So
here comes Santa Claus talking with Rudolph's father, Donner. Stop
calling me root off the red nose ranger, Donner, you
should be ashamed of yourself that way. What Santa comes
in there as a child is being mocked by his peers.

(04:48):
Santa shows up and tells the kid's father in front
of him and all the other reindeer, Donner, you should
be ashamed of yourself. Absolutely horrible. Santa Claus is a
jerk throughout the entire television show. The elves show up

(05:09):
and put on a nice concert for him. They sing,
they dance. Sanna's not even paying any attention. He says
it needs some work. I gotta go, and he leaves.
These are the slaves that work underneath him. He has
made slaves out of them because they are shorter people.
So now Sanna is prejudiced against short people, elves, little people, dwarves, midgets, elves, whatever,

(05:36):
He's prejudiced against them. He sees an elf who has
a lot of talent, but because he's different, then his
father should be ashamed of himself for even creating the boy.
I'm surprised Hannah didn't go over there and backslap Rudolph's
mom a lah Jackie Gleason from smoking the bandit boy.

(05:59):
When we get home, I'm gonna punch your mama right
in the mouth. Surprisely, Santa Claus didn't go over there
and punch Donner's wife and the uterus, the reindeer uterus?
Do reindeer have uterus? They have to write, all right?
Do reindeer lay eggs? I don't actually know, so Santa

(06:19):
Claus is prejudiced against anyone different. And then later Rudolph,
you know, he runs off. Rudolph leaves with that elf, Hermie,
and don't let me forget to talk about Hermi for
a second. Here Rudolph takes off his dad and his
mom and this little reindeer chick, Clarice. They go off

(06:40):
looking for him and get themselves caught by the abominable Snowman.
So here here are the the you know, the the
Donner and the mom, root reindeer and Clarice are off
looking for Rudolph. Rudolph finally comes home. He's looking for him,
and Santa Claus shows up and has this to say.

(07:03):
They've gone, Rudolf. They've been gone for months, out looking
for you. Charrie he's gone too, and I'm very worried.
Christmas Eve is only two days off, all right, so
Santa obviously only cares about himself. Hey, Rudolph, your dad
and your mom and your girlfriend might be dead. And

(07:25):
I'm very worried because Santa, because Christmas is only a
couple of days away. How am I gonna pull my
sleigh if your dad's dead because he was out looking
for you. Way to lay on the guilt, trip, old
jerk and some people. I'm sure you're already thinking this,
but Scott, come on, layoff Santa Claus. At the end,
Santa Claus eventually warms up to Rudolph. They realize the

(07:50):
error of their prejudicial, bigoted ways, and he lets Rudolph
lead his sleigh through the storm. Right, Yeah, the real
lesson of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is not you
know that that being bigoted and prejudiced is wrong. The

(08:11):
real lesson is all you kids. If you've been made
to feel different because you have a red nose, because
you look different from other people. Maybe you have a
different skin color, maybe your sexual orientation is different of
your peers, your ethnicity, your religion, whatever it is that
makes you different from the others. You can be accepted

(08:36):
by the man, the man in this case Santa Claus,
if you can provide something for him, if you if
he sees something in you that can help him get ahead,
then you're okay. But I guarantee you if Rudolph did
not have the shining if he had the shining nose

(08:58):
and could not fly, they probably would have put him
on a spit and fed him to the elves. But
because Rudolph has the shiny nose and he can fly
on now, wait a second, I can I'm as the man.
I can use you. You are useful to me. As
long as you have some sort of talent I can
expose from my own gain, then I can accept you conditionally.

(09:23):
But next year, when the storm is gone and the
air is clear, you can sit home with a blanket
over your nose for all I care. I don't need
you in your freakish nose next year when it's clear.
And by the way, what was up with that freak
storm that canceled Christmas all across the globe? The newspapers

(09:46):
at the beginning of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer tell
the story New York Times, big storm shuts down city
and then it goes to the San Francisco Chronicle, Christmas
might be canceled. There's a freak snowstorm that shut down St.
And Francisco, and they're worried about toys being brought out.
What the hell's going on with the weather? Where was

(10:09):
al Gore during all of this cataclysmic weather climate change?
Who cares about Christmas? At that point? If there's a
global snowstorm that has just snowed in San Francisco, I'm
not concerned about Christmas. I'm concerned about the earth and
the ice age that's obviously on set. Another lesson of

(10:34):
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is that uh that that
dental want to be elf? Hermie? Now, first of all,
his supervisor is also a jerk. Everyone gets a break,
but not for you. You know, he's gotta make Hermie
finish paint in the train because Hermie wants to be

(10:57):
I want to be a dentist. He doesn't want to
make toys. He wants to be a dentist. All right, fine,
quit and give the job to some elf who's willing
to do the job. But he well, eventually he runs away.
He doesn't even have the he doesn't even have the
little elf cajones to stand up to a supervisor and
say I quit. You can't fire me. I quit. Well,

(11:20):
those are nice words when you're singing him to a
room full of nobody, but when you got to step
up to your supervisor and say, I'm not making your
toys anymore. I'm a different person, I'm a different elf.
I'm gonna go do what I want to do for me.
Find someone else to paint your toys. I'm gonna be
a dentist. Say that to his face. Don't just leave now.
It's two days before Christmas. They have to find another

(11:41):
elf to do your job. You can't even stick it
out for two more days of toy painting and then
start up your dental office or whatever it is they
would have with the north pole in Christmas Town. And
he just feels like he's entitled to have to be
there and do the job, or he's entitled to want
to be a dentist to pay. Apparently Santa only has

(12:01):
bred these elves to make toys for him. That's your job,
that's the slave labor you're supposed to do if you
want to do something else. They don't even fire him.
It's like government work. You're doing a horrible job. It's
obvious you don't want to be here, but we can't

(12:22):
fire you. Then i'd have a problem with your union.
Elf guy, contract states I can't fire you, So I
guess you can just paint your train as slowly as
you possibly want to, and I just have to let
it go. Government work creating a feeling of entitlement. Indoctrinating
children through the annual Christmas show that is Rootolph the

(12:45):
Red Nose Reindeer Santa Claus jerk Donner. A pathetic coach
comment allows the other peers to make fun of the
reindeer who is different from everybody else. That I think
coach comment was actually the basis for that movie. Mister Woodcock,

(13:05):
Clarice is a salute and Yukon Cornelius is this absolute
raving psychopath. He wants to go find silver and gold
and he does so by licking his pickaxe. I've seen
people do that on the bus. And don't even get

(13:28):
me started on the Island of Misfit Toys. You know
that Jack in the Box character whose name is Charlie,
And that's why no kid's gonna play with him, because
who wants a Charlie in the box. It's not that
they don't want to play with you because you're a
Charlie in the box. They don't want to play with
you because you are a whiny. I can't use the

(13:49):
word I want to use there, but he'd whiny. No
one wants to play with a Charlie in the box.
I don't want to hear your voice. And then when
we uncovered on the Good Morning Show a couple of
years ago that the problem, like all the misfit toys,
he got the Charlie in the box. You have an
elephant with spots, You've got a train with square wheels,

(14:10):
you have a boat that sinks. And everyone for years
wondered what was wrong with the doll? They got the
doll on there and nothing appears to be wrong with her. Eyes, nose, mouth, arms,
legs all seem to be in the right place. She
has hair, she's cute. What's wrong with her? It was
explained by the author Arthur rankin later years after Rudolph,

(14:32):
because someone asked him why is she a misfit? He
said that she has severe psychological disorders that come from separation,
anxiety from a broken home. She feels unloved. She was
a safe haven baby, is what she was. You know,

(14:52):
I guess no one wants to pick up a dolly
like no little girl wants to pick up a dolly.
Pull the string, and the dolly looks at her and says,
don't you leave me. Scott Voices, mornings nine to eleven,
Our News Radio eleven ten k F A b