Donna D 12/27/25

Donna talks relationships with Dr. Wes.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Long, there's a sense of outsourcing your security and outsourcing
your safety. And I have a twin sister, and I
found myself even doing that with her and my ex husband.

Speaker 2 (00:17):
And when you see that.

Speaker 1 (00:19):
This outsourcing of safety that you're given, you really don't
you miss a part of yourself that is that strong,
stable grounded person when you outsource your safety. Can you
talk about that a little bit.

Speaker 3 (00:38):
Yeah, outsourcing your safety. So secure base is the word
that I use. The phrase I use so your secure
base needs to be yourself. You should be your secure base.
And what happens is that we when we fall in love,
when we develop an attachment with someone else, we transfer

(00:59):
that secure base to them to where they become our
secure base. In a healthy relationship, that can be okay. However,
when a relationship starts becoming infused with the four horsemen
of the apocalypse, like we've talked about, criticism.

Speaker 1 (01:14):
Defensiveness, contempt yep, and stonewalling, stone walling yep.

Speaker 3 (01:19):
Okay, over the years, you can start that that can
become an insecure base for you. And then you're you
have a problem because not only are you not your
secure base, your secure base that you established with your partner.
That's no longer your secure base either. So you find
yourself lost, You find yourself seeking an identity, seeking to

(01:40):
be numbed. That's where a lot of addictions can come from.
A lot of people can numb themselves out with a
number of things.

Speaker 1 (01:47):
But don't use like So, when I started seeing that
I was doing that, Yeah, there's a level of freedom,
There's a level of gratitude. There's a level of for
me taking respons fonsibility because.

Speaker 2 (02:00):
I didn't know I was doing this.

Speaker 1 (02:03):
And when I started understanding that, hey this, I don't
feel good. I mean, I don't feel good, and I
need to really look at my role in this. Forget
about who I'm speaking about, right, forget about the X,
and forget about all that. I need to figure out
why I am feeling this way, because nobody can make

(02:25):
me feel a certain way if I don't want to.
That's true, And so the power comes back to me
because I can do anything I want with that I
can I can learn what I need to do on
how to fix it. I can figure out how I
can be better, how I can get stronger and do
the work. And then I feel like, all right, I'm good.

(02:47):
I got it and twenty twenty five with relationships. And
it's not just partnerships or you know, relationships that are intimate.
It is friendships. It is jobs that were shedding in
twenty twenty five that are no longer serving us. It
is a plethora of getting through the twenty twenty five

(03:11):
year that we're never going to have to go through again.
Of the year, the snake and shedding this stuff. So
what did you have to shed? And I think you're
gonna tell me the marriage. The shedding of the marriage
and letting go of that in twenty twenty.

Speaker 3 (03:28):
Five absolutely the toughest thing I've been through. I've heard
people say that it's it's worse than grieving a death,
because when you grieve a death, there is an element
of closure, whereas in a marriage. When you're grieving a marriage,
the partner, especially if you have kids, which I do

(03:48):
share a daughter with my ex wife, their closure is
difficult to come by. It's very difficult to come by
because you still have to interact with them. So, yeah,
it was I fought it for a long time. I
met my ex wife before I became a therapist, which
is interesting, So I became a marriage and family therapist
after I entered my marriage, so I started learning a

(04:12):
lot of things that weren't going so well based on
what I was learning in school.

Speaker 4 (04:18):
I tried to correct it.

Speaker 1 (04:20):
That's interesting because as you move towards being a therapist
and helping other couples, you're seeing this, Hey, this isn't
going so great on my end.

Speaker 3 (04:31):
Sure, yeah, yeah, and so but you know, it was
a situation where I, you know, you can't really be
you can't be your own therapist. I couldn't be my
own therapist. I couldn't be my ex wife's therapist. So
we had to go to you know, we had to
I wanted to, yeah, to go to therapy, and.

Speaker 4 (04:51):
She didn't really like it. My ex wife didn't really
like that.

Speaker 1 (04:53):
So it's it takes too It takes to to fix
it takes to to break.

Speaker 2 (04:58):
It takes you to fix it.

Speaker 3 (04:59):
Yeah, but I mean, I'm you know, but I have
you know, as I've told you before, she gets flowers
on Mother's Day. I got her a nice Christmas gift.
I mean, she's the mother of my child and I
respect her and I will always love her and care
for her. And it's was really difficult to let her
go it really was.

Speaker 2 (05:17):
Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 (05:18):
I mean it's not easy to let anybody go, and
even if it's no longer working, right, you still want
to hang on.

Speaker 2 (05:27):
What is that?

Speaker 1 (05:29):
What is it about us that you know because you
get signs got You just said you were seeing signs
all over the place. You wanted to go to therapy
with her. It wasn't working. You were not getting along.
You were arguing a lot. Instead, when you're arguing more
than you are getting along, that's a problem. So what

(05:50):
is it about all of us that makes us cling
to something that is not working for us anymore?

Speaker 3 (05:58):
I believe it's the familiarity we've become familiar with the
people that are around us, the people that we're in
relationships with, the scripts, the relationship scripts. Think about it.
I mean, we have our routines. Every day we wake up,
we do it the same thing, and we usually interact
with the same people. It's good, Donna. I respect you.
You are awesome about finding new people in interact with Hi.

Speaker 2 (06:21):
Hi.

Speaker 3 (06:22):
On the other hand, I am a social recluse, so yes,
so for me.

Speaker 2 (06:27):
But you're a book worm.

Speaker 1 (06:29):
In your books, you're reading, you're trying to better yourself
all the time.

Speaker 3 (06:32):
So for me, it was like I would stay in
an unhealthy relationship even though I knew I needed to
take the courage to get out of it.

Speaker 1 (06:39):
You think most men are because more women leave, This
is a fact. We both talked about this, and more
women leave or solicit the divorce than men do. Men
can stay unhappy for years and years, where women are like,
you're not paying attention to me, why are you even
with me?

Speaker 2 (06:58):
Why do you care?

Speaker 5 (06:59):
What?

Speaker 1 (07:00):
But why are we together if you don't even want
to work on this or don't want to you know,
come in and hug me and kiss me and give
me attention and adore me, which is what women really
want out of a relationship.

Speaker 3 (07:17):
Yeah, you know, I think from men are fixers. We
want to fix it, So we come about it from
a cognitive like it's a project we got to fix.
And women usually are wanting more of that emotional connection, right,
that emotional and so I think we just miss each other.
I remember my ex wife talking about how she wanted affection,

(07:38):
whereas for me, I was like, well, we need to
fix some things before we can get to that point
of affection. Yeah, so we just missed each other. We're
coming at it from different angles and talk therapy. Couple's
therapy can help because the therapist can help you to
translate the language you're each speaking. But in our case,
it just that that toxic pattern went on too long.

(08:00):
It just went on too long.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
Let's let's open the phones up. What was twenty twenty
five like for you? Was it a tough year?

Speaker 2 (08:09):
Is there?

Speaker 1 (08:11):
Is there something that you have shed in twenty twenty five,
because let me just tell you, it's not just about
oh man, this was a tough year. Twenty twenty six
is gonna be an amazing year. Twenty twenty six is
the year of the horse. These are the relationships that
are going to be working. These are the friendships that
that are are if they're going good, they're going to

(08:32):
go great in twenty six twenty six. That your jobs
are going to be more productive and more interesting and
you'll be more valued in your jobs. That's what the
Year of the horses, the year of the snake is.
The tough is the is the tough year of twenty
twenty five? I know I see the phone calls running,

(08:54):
but what what is it?

Speaker 2 (08:57):
I mean?

Speaker 1 (08:58):
Because we talked about women, are the ones that solicit
leaving a relationship because they're not happy men. And I've
seen this with some friends that they knew. Some guy
friends of mine knew that they should never have even
started a relationship with this person, never even started it,

(09:21):
and two years later they've wasted two years of their
life and they're super upset. Why is it that men
will take so much? I don't know what you would
call it? Not abuse, because it's not abuse. Hang on,
let's look at WK and Dayton wants to give the

(09:43):
perspective of someone who's had a sexual successful relationship, and
I would love to hear that.

Speaker 2 (09:49):
WK.

Speaker 1 (09:49):
Are you on the line, Okay, awesome, Yes, I'm just
asking doctor Wes.

Speaker 2 (09:55):
Why is it.

Speaker 1 (09:56):
That that men don't leave a relationship. It takes the
woman oftentimes to get out of a relationship that they
know is not working.

Speaker 2 (10:06):
And maybe your perspective is very.

Speaker 5 (10:07):
Different, right, Well, we started out we were very different.
My parents weren't for it, and we one was had
one family had considerably more money than the other. Not rich,
but wealthy are comfortable. But we since we were so different,

(10:29):
we took three years and to make sure we really
knew each other. And even while we were dating. We
used to start our dates by going to church, and
we did that quite often. That was a big part.
I'm no holy roller or anything, but I tried to

(10:51):
do the right thing ninety five ninety eight percent of
the time, and so did she, and we ever even
considered leaving each other, and we're very happy. She just
recently died about nine months ago. Toughest thing I've ever
gone through my life. But we flexed a lot, even

(11:15):
though we were differences both in family wealth on each side,
and we tried never to go to go to sleep
mad yep. And I'm very proud. I feel like we
both did about ninety five percent total effort, ninety five
percent of the time, and I'm very proud of it.

(11:37):
I felt like I did everything I could write as
far as I was able, and I know she did too,
and I'm very pleased with result.

Speaker 2 (11:46):
But how long were you together? WKA, how long were
you together?

Speaker 5 (11:52):
Fifty five years? Wo We dated for three years before
we got married. Then she just died in our fifty
fifth year of marriage. And it's been the toughest thing
I've gone through since she died. But I'm doing it,
staying active and communicative and reading positive books to do it.

Speaker 2 (12:12):
That's what you had to do.

Speaker 5 (12:14):
Well. That's a couple of things I also did was
motivational speakers. We went to see them a lot on attitude.
And though she didn't have much education, she took two
courses at the university. One was a business degree excuse me,
a business course and the other was an English course.

(12:36):
So though she wasn't totally educated, she worked out very
well at a large CPA for them up here. And
I taught school for about thirty years. But I think
I think dating for a longer period of time, so
making sure that you got the right person and time

(12:56):
time got in with it in some way without happen
to be a holy holy yeah.

Speaker 1 (13:02):
So first of all, I'm so sorry that you were
going through this part of life and we all have
to go through it. That does not make it easy
at all. I'm so sorry to hear. But it sounds
like you've had her for an amazing amount of time
and that you guys were happy together, and that's that
that is meaningful.

Speaker 5 (13:22):
We even had people ask uf you when ask her
sometimes at the office, how long you in fifty five years?
Just how would you stay with somebody for fifty five years,
why would you stay? Yeah, and just almost laughable statements
from other people.

Speaker 1 (13:39):
Yeah, they don't know, they don't know what they don't
know what you had. That's that's what we're talking That
is exactly what we're why we're talking about this subject.
And I also loved and we're going to talk about
this in a minute. We're going to take a break.

Speaker 5 (13:52):
W K.

Speaker 1 (13:53):
Thank you so much for calling in with that, with
that great comment.

Speaker 2 (13:57):
I loved it.

Speaker 1 (13:58):
And happy new year to you and hope all as
well coming up in your future.

Speaker 2 (14:02):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (14:03):
So what I loved is that he went out and
he sought out positive motivational speakers, because what you say
to yourself is so important. And we're going to talk
about that because twenty twenty six, as I feel and
I know and as we talk about, is going to
be an amazing year for all of us. I think

(14:25):
we're going to find relationships that we've never had before,
including with the loves of our life, which is ourselves,
the relationship that we have with ourselves.

Speaker 2 (14:35):
So when we get back, we are going to talk
about that.

Speaker 1 (14:38):
What did you think about his comment about starting the
dating at church.

Speaker 2 (14:43):
I thought that was interesting.

Speaker 3 (14:45):
Yeah, and that's actually a very strong way to meet
church groups. Spirituality and faith is an important part a
good way that people can get direction. And I definitely
thought that was really great, really commendable.

Speaker 2 (15:03):
Yeah, it was interesting.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
And and how that they never want, you know, everyone says,
don't ever go to bed mad.

Speaker 2 (15:08):
Right, that's kind of a big deal.

Speaker 1 (15:10):
I mean, if you have this love and this care
for each other, you don't want your partner to go
to bed mad. You don't want them to be upset. No, right,
And so so you know, having this I don't care,
we kind of attitude of go ahead, go be mad,
go do go, do your own thing kind of is

(15:31):
like turning your back. It's a sign of a stone walling, almost,
isn't it It is?

Speaker 3 (15:36):
Yeah, it's turning away instead of turning towards each other, right,
which doctor Godman talks about. I love doctor Godman. You'll
hear me talk about him a lot, but turning away
from each other rather than turning towards And he talks
a lot about the five to one ratio, five positive
interactions to one negative interaction, and that's what you have
to have to maintain a healthy relationship.

Speaker 1 (15:59):
All right, Well, when we come back, we're going to
talk more about twenty twenty six and what you can
do to make it.

Speaker 2 (16:05):
The best possible year.

Speaker 1 (16:07):
And have you shed anything in twenty twenty five, five, one, three, seven, four, nine,
seven thousand. Brady Hopkins is up next with the news,
so we'll be taking your calls.

Speaker 3 (16:18):
Confidence. You have courage, You're willing to face the pain.
You're willing to lean into the pain. That's what a
lot of psychologists will talk about when people say how
do I get through this? You lean into the pain.
Your brain says, run away from it.

Speaker 2 (16:31):
Yes.

Speaker 3 (16:32):
Creativity, so you're flexible, you're adaptive, and you're connected. You
have a sense of connection to others' life and meaning.
So that comes out of it comes out of It's
called internal family systems. If you're wanting to research it more.
Self Leadership dot org is the website. But that's what
I work with my clients on, helping them to get

(16:52):
in touch with who they are so that they can
start to be self led.

Speaker 1 (16:57):
Well, it's I love that courage is in there, because
without that, everything else falls apart. Because those moments when
you're scared and you feel alone and you don't have
don't think anybody likes you and you don't.

Speaker 2 (17:12):
Nobody cares about you.

Speaker 1 (17:13):
It's those are the shadows, the scary part where you're like,
oh god, I can't even think of this. I'm not
saying that you should just continue those thoughts. I don't
think you should continue the thoughts, but the feelings that
you get, that's where you need to go. And you
have to say I'm here, I got you, I'm your
I got your back. Yep, I'm not leaving you. I

(17:36):
am I am going.

Speaker 2 (17:37):
To take care of you, so don't worry about it.

Speaker 4 (17:39):
Yep.

Speaker 2 (17:39):
That's having your back.

Speaker 4 (17:41):
Yeah, it's.

Speaker 3 (17:44):
Sue Johnson is as a relationship therapist who recently passed away,
but she's she found it an emotional focused therapy model,
and she says, real love is the quiet confidence that
when I reach for you, you will be there.

Speaker 1 (17:59):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (18:00):
And I reach for you, you will be there. So we
need to apply that to ourselves too.

Speaker 1 (18:03):
Yes, because we are the greatest love of our lives.

Speaker 2 (18:08):
We are.

Speaker 1 (18:09):
So when you when I feel like I'm hurt or
I'm sad, instead of reaching for the phone to pick
up someone, and that's there's nothing wrong with that because
we all need our partners. But let's have me try
and do it first.

Speaker 3 (18:25):
It's like on the airplane they tell you to put
your oxygen mask on first, Yes, before helping someone next
to you.

Speaker 2 (18:31):
Yes, all right?

Speaker 1 (18:33):
Five, one, three, seven, eight hundred, the big one. What
kind of a year was twenty twenty five for you?
Was it hard for you? I mean, Wes and I
have both shared that it's been a challenging year through
both breakups and heartbreak and things like that that we've
had to face and face within ourselves to get stronger
through that.

Speaker 2 (18:52):
Stu, that's not easy, and it's.

Speaker 4 (18:54):
Still going on.

Speaker 2 (18:56):
It's a lifelove process.

Speaker 4 (18:58):
It's a day.

Speaker 2 (18:59):
Well, that's what we're talking.

Speaker 4 (19:00):
Get it back to process.

Speaker 2 (19:01):
Give us a call.

Speaker 1 (19:02):
What did you shed in twenty twenty five or what
are you looking for in twenty twenty six? I went
out to lunch with a friend of mine and he said,
because we talked about this, and I said that the
actually the horse in twenty twenty six does not come
in until February, So February in twenty twenty six is
really where it starts getting good.

Speaker 2 (19:21):
And I said, what did you shed?

Speaker 1 (19:23):
And he said his job, And he said he didn't
feel appreciated. It was kind of chaotic there. You couldn't
figure out who was running things, and it drove him
absolutely nuts. And he's already taken the steps to speak
to a friend. He's in it, speak to a friend,

(19:44):
and they're both going to try and start their own
company in twenty twenty six. That's what's kind of happening.
After we get through one of the hardest years, it's
gonna be. And isn't that always the case, Like it's
darkest before it's dawn, Right, it's always harder or scarier,
and everything you've ever wanted is on the other side

(20:06):
of fear. So if you can make it, even if
you're scared, even if you're having a tough time, and
I'm telling you, I'm speaking from experience because I've been
through it, and it's if you keep going, if you
keep doing the work, if you keep showing up for yourself,
if you keep having your own back, it gets better.

(20:27):
It gets better. Let's go to Steve in Batavia. Let's
talk to Steve. Hey, Steve, you're on with donnadean doctor Wes. Yeah,
can you hear me, Yeah, we can hear you.

Speaker 6 (20:40):
Yeah, I've been sober living for the last like two years, okay,
and living in a house in Norwood. I don't want
to mention the name.

Speaker 2 (20:55):
Yeah, that's okay, that's all right.

Speaker 6 (21:00):
Sixty three and I was born a eighty and so
I met this woman, you know, and it's been kind
of cool, you know.

Speaker 5 (21:11):
But it's like it seems like the.

Speaker 6 (21:14):
Women these days they don't want it's like they're afraid
to get into any type of relationship if it has
to do with you know, money or whatever it is,
because I don't understand how they can. It's just I
don't know. It's very hard to date when you're sixty three.

Speaker 1 (21:38):
Yeah, I mean listen, especially if you've been out of
the game for a little bit sixty three, But that
doesn't mean you're out of the game totally.

Speaker 2 (21:46):
Steve Wes, do you have a question for Steve?

Speaker 4 (21:50):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (21:50):
So, so, Steve, you're talking to me a little bit
more about So this this person that you're interested in.
What did you notice that she was pulling away from
you when you are trying to pursue her.

Speaker 4 (22:01):
Is that what you noticed?

Speaker 6 (22:02):
Or now it seems like when you because I've been
in sober living, I've been sober three year and going
to A meetings and everything, and it seems you know,
you get you know, you get you get close to
these not these women. I don't have too many women,

(22:24):
just this particular women that and it's it's like they
are afraid that that you're going to be a failure
and they're going to go back into what they were into.
And I've been told that, Really, if you don't want
to date people that you see in recovery and AA

(22:44):
and stuff, yeah, it's just really it's a whole different story.

Speaker 1 (22:52):
Do you feel like you're ready to date someone see
Do you feel like you're good and you're good with
all your you know, being so and you feel like
you've got your life under control that you could be
with somebody.

Speaker 6 (23:06):
Yeah, Because I'm on disability and I work part time
and I have money, I just I bought it. I
have a nice vehicle. I bought a minivan for the
sole purpose of taking people to AA meetings and meeting
people that you know have the same issues but are

(23:28):
trying to It just seems like I don't know that
women are just I don't know. It's a lot different
than it was back in the you know, I grew
up in the seventies and eighties, and it's just like
it's hard to crack that shell to find out what's

(23:51):
going on with them. I mean it doesn't and it
doesn't have to do with all sex and everything.

Speaker 2 (23:57):
It's yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

Speaker 5 (24:00):
Women.

Speaker 6 (24:00):
Women have changed a lot there, Donna, in the last
twenty thirty years. It's a lot different.

Speaker 1 (24:09):
Yeah, I'm totally different from who I was when I
was twenty six.

Speaker 2 (24:12):
I mean so yeah, it I think women, you know,
we've all we learn, we all learn hopefully.

Speaker 1 (24:21):
And Gary Zukov has said a writer that I love,
he wrote a book called see This All. The longest
journey we're ever going to take is from our head
to our heart. Often times when you get older, there
there's a there is a shell that you've been hurt
before you don't want to try it again. But the
idea of that is painful. I mean, I will always

(24:45):
work to stay open hearted because and and be available
to somebody that I care and want to have a
relationship with. So maybe this woman has has, you know,
been been broken a little bit through her life and
Wes you can probably speak on this better than me,
but she sounds she does sound a little guarded possibly.

Speaker 3 (25:09):
Sure, Yeah, I mean people will bring into their relationships
parts of them that are I call them managers or firefighters.
So those are proactive managers are like these thoughts, I
should do this, I shouldn't do that. I have to
be careful about this. I have to be careful about that.
And then there are firefighters that when they start to
get the slightest clue that something is happening in the

(25:31):
present moment that happened to them in the past, then.

Speaker 4 (25:35):
They check out.

Speaker 3 (25:36):
They'll, they'll they'll it's called a firefighter because it's like
they're lighting a fire of distraction, and so they will
distract themselves. They will, they will check out, they may
ghost you. You know, that's a phrase that we hear, right,
and so yeah, it's it's a lot of it is
just relationship trauma from the past that people have not

(25:56):
healed and they're bringing it forward and projecting it onto you.
And so yeah, that's that's really a tough place.

Speaker 1 (26:04):
And if she's not available to you, Steve, then you know,
you just have to let her go on her own way. Uh,
you know, if she's if she is you know, not
open to you.

Speaker 6 (26:18):
Yeah, yeah, I would like to just sit down and
watch a Bengals game and just cuddle on the couch.
And sometimes that's cool. I mean, and then like you know,
like you say, pass things that come up.

Speaker 3 (26:33):
Yeah, and life and it scares, Yeah, and it could
it could scare.

Speaker 1 (26:38):
It could trigger a whole bunch of stuff that comes
up for her, especially if she feels feelings for you.
But you know, you got to take it day by
day and be gentle with yourself and with her.

Speaker 2 (26:50):
I think sure, so.

Speaker 3 (26:51):
Just asking her, Hey, I just noticed that that that
you kind of withdrew from me a little bit, or
you got you softened, you got quiet you you know,
your body language kind of showed me that you were withdrawing.
And I'm wondering what's happening for you right now? That's
a good question to ask, just what's happening for you?
What's coming up for you right now?

Speaker 6 (27:11):
And I'm a musician like Donna, I play acousca guitar.
I've been a league guitar player. I like to play
some Neil Young and like start playing guitar and stuff.
It seems like that's been one thing that I've done
in my life that girls like and women like play guitar,

(27:35):
you know, start breaking out in some America or some.

Speaker 1 (27:38):
You know Stevie Nicks and Neil Young is great to
play absolutely, Tom Patty of.

Speaker 6 (27:44):
Course, yeah, I come from all that old rock and roll.

Speaker 2 (27:49):
Of course me too, Me too.

Speaker 1 (27:51):
See listen, I want to congratulate you on three years
of sobriety.

Speaker 2 (27:54):
That is fantastic. Good for you.

Speaker 1 (27:57):
At the very minimum, you're working on yourself and it
sounds like you're being a support for your community and
all things are going to go right for you from
that point on.

Speaker 6 (28:06):
Yeah, I bought a minivands I can take people to
AA out Street. I go out Street, I go to
all the AA meeans and nor would Avandale, downtown everywhere.

Speaker 1 (28:18):
Good for you, buddy, I appreciate it. Have a great
twenty twenty six. It's going to be a good year
for all of us. And thanks for calling in. Yeah,
Happy New Year, Happy New Year. You know it was
interesting too, because I understand what he means.

Speaker 2 (28:33):
Women.

Speaker 1 (28:34):
Women can be challenging, especially as you get older and
they get hurt and stuff like that. But there is
a point where you can connect on a deeper level
and start to build trust with someone that has.

Speaker 2 (28:48):
Those types of fears. Would you agree with that?

Speaker 1 (28:51):
Yeah, I mean it's important to understand that not everyone.
If you it's like it's like when you when you
start trusting in yourself a little by little, it's earned.
And so if Steve can say, hey, we can just
sit on the couch. We don't even need to snuggle.

(29:12):
We don't need to snuggle. I'll pick up my guitar
and play for a little bit. If you want, let's
just hang out, that might be something that would build
trust for her.

Speaker 4 (29:21):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (29:22):
Absolutely, you know, little by little, doctor West, not just
not just with other people, but with ourselves.

Speaker 2 (29:30):
Keep your promises.

Speaker 1 (29:31):
We're going to talk about that because twenty twenty six,
like I said, is going to be a really big year,
the year the Horse. This is the riser of the
divine unions made from love instead of fear, the era
of post traumatic relationships. I'm reading this and this is
what everybody is saying. Post traumatic relationship collapsing. People are

(29:53):
done bonding through wounds and chaos and survival. We're all
doing the work on ourselves to be able to be
good partners for other people and to be big, you know,
take responsibility for our own actions because believe me, that
is extremely important.

Speaker 2 (30:09):
I think we got to go. We're up against the wall.

Speaker 1 (30:11):
But when we come back, we're going to break down
what real love looks like. Yeah, and also three things
to do in twenty twenty six to make that year
to the upcoming twenty twenty six one of the best years.

Speaker 2 (30:23):
So we're gonna come back.

Speaker 1 (30:24):
Take your calls five one, three, seven, four, ninety seven thousand.
News and Weather are up next, and it's done a
d with Doctor West my buddy on seven hundred WLW Cincinnati.

Speaker 3 (30:36):
Eating or even in a long term marriage, that's a
healthy that's a healthy thing.

Speaker 4 (30:41):
What you just think? Okay, Well, I don't know if
you agree with me or not.

Speaker 1 (30:45):
I do because I don't want to be I'd rather
be strolling. And I talked about this earlier. Do you
like being single? This was the question this afternoon and
his answer was I do, because here's the thing. I'd
rather be by myself than be with somebody basically that
doesn't care and is gonna call me and drive me

(31:08):
nuts and where am I and all the attachment things
that come with you.

Speaker 2 (31:11):
Didn't call me.

Speaker 3 (31:12):
You didn't, So it's just unhealthy. It's a toxic pattern.

Speaker 1 (31:15):
Yes, so all right, we have to go over that
one more time. If you ask these three questions, and
the three questions are are you are you there for me?

Speaker 2 (31:26):
Are you there for me? Do you see me?

Speaker 3 (31:28):
Do you see me and respond to me? And do
I matter to you?

Speaker 1 (31:32):
Okay, those should be pretty easy to answer if you're
in a loving relationship.

Speaker 4 (31:37):
Uh huh. And I'm not saying that.

Speaker 3 (31:39):
If if the answers know that, you throw the towel in, right,
but you need to go to a therapist's office as
soon as you can.

Speaker 1 (31:44):
Yeah, I mean you need to call up doctor West
since you're talking, So let's go to the phones in Dayton, Wayne.
You're on with Donnade and doctor West. Tell me about
your building your relationship.

Speaker 5 (31:58):
I agree with most things that you say said, and
one thing that makes it easier is to help each other.
Find a mentor someone that you admired that you want
to copy their style and go back to from time
to time. For me, it's a basketball coach Rick Patino

(32:19):
a book called Success Life is Success in Life. And
I look at this bulletin points in the book when
I read it most most days, not every day, but
most days, and it helps me and I also helped

(32:39):
her fine. And her mentor was the on the book
Magnolia with the with the two with a building house
building couple that work in spite of their five children
and all they maintained to even keep a show going

(33:02):
for that time. But they've got five children all the time,
they do it, and they have interest like.

Speaker 2 (33:08):
She does, and so they can do it. If they
can do it, then she can do it right right.

Speaker 5 (33:16):
We've gone through a lot of difficulties when bankrupt once.
Some died at an early age, and she also recently
passed away. But having a mentor to go back to
is great. And that book is called Success as a
Choice by the way of Rick Patino, and it's written

(33:39):
both for coaching a basketball team but also coaching yourself
and other people for life.

Speaker 1 (33:46):
Oh, sports is a Sports is a great metaphor for
almost anything, to be honest, if you you can work
as a team with your with your partner, and you
can get advice from that. Wayne, Thank you so much much.
That's a great call. I appreciate it. Happy New Year,
and thanks for calling in appreciate it so I mean,
it's I've never actually heard finding a mentor, like a

(34:11):
marriage mentor. Yeah, I mean a therapist, I've heard, but
a mentor is a different thing. And it could be
a family member that's got a successful relationship and or
a book of somebody you admire that can teach you
skills on how to talk to people.

Speaker 4 (34:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (34:29):
There are some churches too that have marriage mentoring programs.
So yeah, there's a lot of resources available if you're
if you're looking for like a marriage mentor, I would
I would maybe check into that, But or just find
somebody that you trust, that you look up to their
relationship and ask them questions if they're open to it. Yeah,
that's that's really a wise thing to do.

Speaker 2 (34:50):
So I loved the questions that you offered.

Speaker 1 (34:54):
And if you're even in a relationship that you're like,
you know, I've been going back and forth with this guy,
right and you know, I just don't feel like he's
in it as much as I am. Or maybe we're
just in different stages of this relationship. Maybe it's it's
it's it doesn't feel like he wants to commit or something.

(35:17):
When you ask those three questions, say them again, So.

Speaker 4 (35:21):
Are you there for me?

Speaker 2 (35:22):
Are you there for me?

Speaker 3 (35:23):
Do you see me and respond to me? And do
I matter to you? Well, the last one is really important.
I think do I matter to you?

Speaker 1 (35:32):
I watched an interview because I watch a lot of
podcasts and reels and things like that on relationship stuff,
because this is what drives me. And he said, the
thing that saved his marriage was he came home late
and he was rushing around and he, you know, didn't
hug his wife. And she said, listen, what kind of

(35:56):
a home do you want to come home to? Do
you want it to be a loving home? Because if
you do, you need to start acting like it. And
he said her comment shaped the way he thought about
his marriage and looked at it, and he said, basically
saved it.

Speaker 2 (36:15):
Questions can do that.

Speaker 1 (36:18):
And sometimes, and I'll speak for myself too, when sometimes
I already know the answer and don't want to ask
the question. How detrimental is that to yourself and to
the relationship.

Speaker 3 (36:30):
When you know the answer but you don't want to
ask the question. That's right, Yeah, well that's where I
would That's where I've been for twenty twenty five.

Speaker 1 (36:36):
Yeah, you don't want to know because you because you
know that there's pain behind it's coming it's right here
on the surface. Yeah, you know that the actions, the words,
all those things that you know a loving relationship is.

Speaker 2 (36:52):
She's not displaying right.

Speaker 1 (36:55):
And so if you ask a direct question, she'll probably
have a direct answer, and that's not the answer that
you want.

Speaker 3 (37:03):
And that did happen towards the end of my marriage.
I did ask those direct questions and I got a
direct answer.

Speaker 2 (37:10):
That what's tough to hear, wasn't it. I mean, I
know the answer to that.

Speaker 1 (37:13):
But I think a lot of people will just say, look,
I'm not I'm not going through separation. I'm not going
to go through therapy. I'm not going to go and
do the work it's going to take. Let's just ride
it out. We're in our fifties, we have grown kit
Let's just ride it out.

Speaker 2 (37:31):
What do you tell a couple that decides to do that.

Speaker 3 (37:35):
Well, I usually will tell them that they're not going
to have a deep felt sense of a secure attachment,
and so it's going to be very surface level. They're
going to be it's it's basically it's a transactional relationship,
and they're going to end up basically keeping score, and
it's it's going to be like a Ledger system, like
a balance of whose bank account has you know, it's

(37:58):
not going to be healthy, is what I'll tell them,
unless they want to design it in a way that
they're very intentional about it. They have very clear communication
about what why we're staying together. We're staying together for
a transactional relationship. And this is the reason why I
don't see a lot of relationships making it though based

(38:19):
on transactions.

Speaker 1 (38:20):
And what does that mean exactly? The transactional relationship.

Speaker 2 (38:24):
Just just living together and surviving.

Speaker 3 (38:28):
Just basically doing life, doing life without an emotional bond,
so roommates people for.

Speaker 1 (38:36):
People forget what a true loving relationship is if you've
been in it. And I can remember, and I've said
this to you and on this on these airwaves.

Speaker 2 (38:48):
I've said this many times that my husband and.

Speaker 1 (38:52):
I were very happy for fourteen straight years. We were
very happy, and now that I'm out of it, I
can see how great it was back then. Now we
moved in different directions and that happens to all kinds
of couples, and we're still friends, and I'm grateful that
we did have the good times that we have, But
I won't settle for anything less than having two people

(39:18):
that care about each other and somebody that loves me
and adores me, and vice versa. I love and adore
him and work well together, keeping the love alive, making
a choice to be loving instead of agitated, irritated, aggravated.

(39:39):
And I can see where I did that back when
you know, he annoyed me or I annoyed him. We
you know, for the most part, we did pretty well
at twenty four and twenty six when we got married
and we carried that through. We did have a very
loving bond, but something happened that we moved away from that.

(39:59):
And when we did did neither one of us wanted
to continue that because we knew what we had right
and it was it was very interesting. Other things happened
to you know, not them put everything on front Street,
but I mean like it was, it was, you know.

Speaker 2 (40:18):
Fighting more than more than loving energy in the house.

Speaker 3 (40:22):
So the five to one ratio was out of balance.
It's five positives to one negative.

Speaker 2 (40:28):
Oh is that what it is?

Speaker 3 (40:29):
That's what the that's what the ratio it needs to
be according to doctor Gotman's research.

Speaker 2 (40:32):
Okay, can you explain that all lot?

Speaker 3 (40:34):
Yeah, So five positive interactions That can be a verbal interaction,
it can be a nonverbal interaction. It's just you know,
you're turning towards each other, you're smiling to each other,
you're saying, I love you. Five positives to one negative.

Speaker 1 (40:48):
Wow, it was definitely flipped towards the end. And then
once we separated, it was all positive. I mean, go figure.
I mean, but I mean it was because we knew
that what we were doing wasn't working anymore. So we've
decided like, all right, yeah, we still lived at next door,

(41:09):
we had three dogs together. We you know, we we
still had a deep, deep friendship that just the you know,
loving relationship of a couple was no longer there.

Speaker 3 (41:21):
And that's people will stay together sometimes because of the
image of love that they have that they hope that there,
or the image that they maybe remembered that they had
with this partner. They had they had this type of
relationship with this partner. It's no longer there, but they're
hoping it'll come back, so they'll stay with it, and
it's never going to come back.

Speaker 1 (41:40):
Usually, Yeah, once that bond is broken, it's really hard
to come back.

Speaker 2 (41:45):
And that it can be done.

Speaker 4 (41:47):
It can be done.

Speaker 2 (41:47):
It can be done it. But but it's hard.

Speaker 1 (41:50):
Yeah, once you say, all right, you turned your back
on me and I turned my back on you, and
all right, we're done, and that's kind of what happened.

Speaker 2 (41:58):
And it's always sad. It's so hard to let go.

Speaker 1 (42:00):
But if you're if you're courageous and you're brave, and
you're looking at it in a real light, and you're
both saying, all right, this just doesn't seem like it's working.
We've tried, tried, tried, tried, tried, and it just doesn't
seem Even if you're in a relationship right now and
you're saying it's not working, you can simply say, all right,

(42:22):
what we're doing is not working, and we can take
a break. It doesn't have to lead to separation, it
doesn't have to lead to divorce. You can say what
we're doing right now is not so let me go
heal myself and do some of the things on my own.

Speaker 2 (42:35):
You do some of the things on your own.

Speaker 1 (42:36):
We can still live in the same house and parent
the kids or whatever, if that's what you have, and
then figure out what it is that you.

Speaker 2 (42:45):
Can look at for yourself and change that.

Speaker 4 (42:47):
That's right, You're on the right track there.

Speaker 3 (42:49):
Yes, absolutely, Yeah, Well it's I tell couples that they
need to when they're arguing. They've got literally it's like
a seven or eight percent chance of having a successful relationship.
That's just the brain, that's the neuroscience behind it. So
they need to be able to go to their separate
rooms literally and calm down for thirty minutes.

Speaker 2 (43:12):
And that does wonders.

Speaker 1 (43:13):
It does you start to stop the insanity of the mind.

Speaker 2 (43:17):
That's like, it's you, you, you, you, you, and not me,
me me.

Speaker 3 (43:21):
It's a primal panic, is what it is. Yeah, it's
a panic because it's your attachment figure that you've gotten
disconnected from and you want to connect with them so badly,
but you can't because you're in the four horses.

Speaker 2 (43:34):
Then here's my safety net.

Speaker 1 (43:36):
And he doesn't love me anymore and he's being mean
to me, and how could he say these things?

Speaker 2 (43:40):
And how's he looking at it? I don't get it.

Speaker 1 (43:43):
And then you go and you sit by yourself for
thirty minutes, and.

Speaker 2 (43:47):
You know, maybe some of that was me. I shouldn't
have said some of that stuff.

Speaker 3 (43:50):
Yeah, you flip your lids what.

Speaker 2 (43:54):
It is, literally, flip your your lid.

Speaker 3 (43:56):
You flip your lid, you flip the prefrontal cortex in
your brain, which helps you main rational, and you go
into the part of your brain that's the fight flight
or freeze.

Speaker 1 (44:04):
Five win, flip your lid five and three nine thousand, one,
eight hundred, the big one. If you want to get
in the discussion with doctor Wes and myself don a
d I want to talk about because we're gonna we've
got about two minutes left, two and a half three
Three things to make your life happier in twenty twenty six.
And these are three things that I feel like if

(44:26):
we can do and I've seen I've seen myself in
all three of these things that I've done, and I'm
really going to focus on twenty twenty six to make
my life happier within myself. I'm not asking for anybody
else to join in yet. I want to make sure
that I am the best I can be in twenty
twenty six. Three things to make your life happier. Number one,

(44:47):
stop regretting the past. You cannot do anything about you
can learn, so you go there and you just to learn.
But you know, when you're sitting in stewing and regretting,
and that's not going to be making yourself happy. It's
actually going to make do the opposite. So stop regretting
the past. Number two, stop worrying about the future, because

(45:10):
most scientists say most things that you worry about do
not ever happen, So don't spend any time in worrying
about anything. And then the third thing is stop looking
for others to make you happy. It is an inside job.
And then when you bring yourself, your strong, self secure,

(45:34):
self grounded, self loving self to any relationship, whether it's
a friendship, a work relationship, a partner relationship, a romantic relationship, anything,
you're going to be succeeding.

Speaker 2 (45:48):
Do you agree with those.

Speaker 3 (45:50):
One hundred percent that the past is not the past
if it's in your present? So yeah, your past has
to be the past. Well, And it's what I tell
my clients is anxiety. Anxiety lives in the future, right,
Depression lives in the past usually so right, So anxiety
and depression are cousins to each other. So we got

(46:10):
to live in the present moment, bring it back to
the center, and stay present.

Speaker 1 (46:14):
And I just thought of a fourth one comparison is
the thief of joy. Stop comparing your life and those
that you see on social media that all look so
happy and everybody else or so and so and so
good with high site reel, it is so bad, soop
of comparison.

Speaker 2 (46:29):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (46:30):
So neuroscientists when we come back, have been studying the
brain and what they're finding out is really important about
what you say to yourself and how you can make
yourself happy or you can make yourself miserable. We're going
to talk about that when we come back. News and
Weather up next. It's Donna d Doctor Wes on a

(46:51):
Saturday night relationship radio in seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. Oh yeah,
thanks for being of that's done a Dan, doctor Wes.
Russ Jackson producing the show, pulling this all the out
Relationship Radio on this beautiful Saturday night in Cincinnati. We've
talked about real loving relationships and others and we're we're

(47:15):
going to talk about this in a moment. But I
did want to get to Russ put a chat in
a caller who said they didn't want to go on
air with us, but wanted to ask doctor Wes about
relationships where they can't stand each other but they are
addicted to each other.

Speaker 2 (47:32):
What would you call that?

Speaker 3 (47:33):
So, just off the top of my head, it sounds
like a trauma bond.

Speaker 2 (47:38):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (47:38):
Trauma bond is where there are periods of fear, criticism, neglect,
or abuse followed by apologies, affection, promises of safety. Their
relief creates the bonding, but there's not safety in the relationship.

Speaker 1 (47:53):
Right, And that's like the big key element of you
have to have a safe place to land if it's
a loving relationship, and if they don't like each other,
yeah they should get out of it or what should
they do?

Speaker 3 (48:07):
Well, they need to just be honest about I think no, she.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
Said they can't stand, they can't change each other, but
they are addicted to each other, then.

Speaker 3 (48:16):
Yeah, I would get into some therapy to break that addiction.
That's that is that that's a physiological addiction. So basically
it's it's like a drug addiction. It's it's like it's
your brain. It's the stress hormones cortisol and the bonding
chemicals dopamine and oxytocin. They become linked and so the
high arousal can cause you to become addicted and the calm. Actually,

(48:40):
what I see with one of my clients is that
they will tell me it doesn't feel safe. It actually
feels empty when I'm calm. It feels empty when I'm calm.

Speaker 1 (48:50):
So that's a red red flag because loving relationships should
be calm and not filled with anxiety.

Speaker 3 (48:57):
Correct, So calm can feel empty or unsad when you're
addicted to your partner.

Speaker 1 (49:02):
Okay, yeah, because there would be drama all day, all
the time, and then your nervous system never settles with
that person. No, No, that is definitely And I even
see parts of that in my last relationship. I see
because I even said I remember him saying to me,
I don't feel calm around you, and I'm like, oh

(49:23):
my gosh, that hurts my heart.

Speaker 2 (49:26):
Yeah, I remember that.

Speaker 1 (49:28):
But there was a lot of drama in the relationship
going on within him, and he was looking for me
to help.

Speaker 2 (49:36):
Him all the time.

Speaker 1 (49:36):
And I'm like, you've got to this is yours, not mine.
I would love to do this, but this is not.
You've got to dig deep here, because ultimately we all
have to walk our own path, right, we all have
to figure out how to love ourselves and how to
have our own back. This is something that I am

(49:58):
bringing into twenty six that I I'm going to get
so good at it's literally I I am a big
cheerleader within myself, but I also lean on people like
my twin sister and I I really want to make
sure that I am the person that I go to
first to lean on. And then, I mean, because having

(50:21):
you can't do it alone. You have to have your partners.
You have to have people to talk to, You have
to have people to bounce things off of.

Speaker 2 (50:28):
Is it me? Is it him? I mean, so you
have to have that.

Speaker 1 (50:31):
But there's always a question I'm going to ask before
I go to somebody else and say, how can I
handle this myself?

Speaker 4 (50:40):
Right? M hm?

Speaker 1 (50:42):
Because I feel like, you know, your greatest love of
your life is you right?

Speaker 4 (50:50):
And should be?

Speaker 2 (50:52):
It should be? And we're all so hard on ourselves.

Speaker 1 (50:55):
I mean, if you start paying attention to the thoughts
in your head, which most people don't understand, that there
is somebody in your head talking all the time, the
voice of the ego that's usually negative, repetitive, and useless.
Ecker totally says eighty to ninety percent. So if we

(51:16):
have sixty to eighty thousand thoughts a day, and eighty
to ninety percent of those are negative. That's like you're
walking around with somebody that's so mean to you all
the time.

Speaker 2 (51:26):
And if you don't know that that's what's.

Speaker 1 (51:28):
Going on, you're gonna be angry, you're gonna be upset,
you're gonna a your nervous system is going to be
active all the time, and it's going to be a
hard life to live.

Speaker 4 (51:36):
It will be yeah, the inner critic, right.

Speaker 1 (51:41):
So it's so important to be aware of the things
that you're saying to yourself. And neuroscientists have been studying
the brain and what they are finding is that the
brain doesn't care if the story is true or not.
You know, when you're in a dream state and you're
having a dream and your nervous system you wake up
and your fingers are clenching and your sweating, and your

(52:02):
nervous system doesn't know that that's not actually happening. That's right,
But that's what happens all day long when we're talking
bad about ourselves and others. So it matters over and
over again what you say. It doesn't matter if it's
true or not. It just matters that the things that
you are saying and you repeat over yourself over again.

(52:22):
So If you say, hey, I have bad luck with women,
guess what you're in have bad luck with women.

Speaker 3 (52:29):
It's the template you're forming, the recipe you're creating for yourself.

Speaker 1 (52:33):
You never have any money, Nope, you will not. You're
unlucky in love, or you attract the worst type of people.
Guess what you're going to continue to do that. I
remember I was I was just starting to date this
one guy and he said, I'm so unlucky. I said,
I'm glad you told me that, because I don't want
to hang out with somebody so unlucky.

Speaker 2 (52:55):
I want to be in the vicinity of you. And
he was like, well, I didn't mean that.

Speaker 1 (53:00):
I'm like, when you say stuff like that, you put
an X on your back, right, there's gonna be some
I don't want to be standing next to you when
you do that. If you say you're gonna have a
successful career, there's a good chance that's gonna happen. If
you say I'm gonna find my soulmate and you say
it over and over again in twenty twenty six, twenty

(53:20):
twenty six is going to be the best year, and
I'm going to find the person that I'm gonna have
a real loving relationship with Maybe that might be a
good it's certainly a good chance for you to have it.
If you continue to say these things over and over again,
I'm gonna find the person that I'm gonna marry.

Speaker 2 (53:38):
I'm gonna I'm gonna be you know, successful.

Speaker 1 (53:41):
Even if even if you say I'm gonna make a
million dollars, I don't know how. I'm just gonna do it,
and you keep saying that over and over and over again,
chances are you're gonna say it. So how important is
it to look at and to start talking in a
positive way. Get that feed loop going in a positive way.
Understand that negativity breeds negativity and it's going to manifest

(54:05):
all kinds of negative things. The opposite is true when
you're looking at positive things.

Speaker 3 (54:10):
So you're rewiring your brain, is what you're doing when
you are creating a new template for your brain. So
neurons in your brain, neurons that fire together, wire together.
So the brain is about associations. So if you associate
yourself with positive energy or positive thinking, you're going to

(54:30):
feel that way.

Speaker 2 (54:31):
Okay, so what if I don't feel positive?

Speaker 3 (54:34):
What is But if you say it enough if you create,
it's fake it till you make it.

Speaker 2 (54:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (54:39):
Yeah, because you're still creating, you're still firing it off
in your brain and you're wiring it in to your reality.
It's a way that treat post traumatic stress disorder is
by helping people go back to get traumatic memories. We
can't change what's happened to them, but we can lessen
the intensity of the emotion they feel because just like
what you say, Donna, your nervous system cannot tell the

(55:02):
difference between what it perceives is happening and what is
really happening.

Speaker 1 (55:06):
Right, Yeah, it's it's it's And people studying the brain
or understanding this on a deeper level, how important it
is to understand the things that you are saying, the
thoughts that you are saying to yourself. And some people
don't even they don't know that there is a little

(55:27):
man or a woman you see when when you see,
you know, somebody out on the street and they're they're
they're homeless, or they're they're you know, it's disturbed and
they're talking to themselves and you see it.

Speaker 2 (55:38):
I mean, when I lived in La it was a
frequent thing.

Speaker 1 (55:40):
They're yelling at themselves and they're real loud blah blah,
but we all have that to a certain level degree
of of of a man or a woman. You have
a man, I have a woman in my head that
talks to me all the time. And if I don't
control that voice, and I say this all the time

(56:00):
in my yoga classes too. You can control that voice
because you can say right now in your say in
your head, right now, scream your name in your head
and then whisper it. You have control of that voice,
and if you turn it into a positive then then
instead of negative talk, it's going to change your life.

(56:23):
I can tell you that, let's go to Centerville with Cap. Hey, Cap,
do you have something to say on this? You're on
WLW with Donna d and doctor Wes.

Speaker 5 (56:32):
Yeah. I would make a list to get rid of
the negativity of all the positive things that you've done
in the past. Write them down, and also make a
list of all the things in detail, write them down
what you're grateful for, Yes, yeah, some real simple ones.
Is I live in America. I live in Ohio in

(56:55):
an area that doesn't have a lot of problems like
other places in the world. World and a number of
other things that you're grateful for, opportunities you've been given.

Speaker 1 (57:05):
You have two legs, two arms, two eyes, two hands,
You're healthy, your body is healthy, you have you have
an open heart.

Speaker 2 (57:14):
You I mean, I can go on.

Speaker 1 (57:16):
I write a gratitude list every single day to help
me look for the things that are positive in my life,
not the negative.

Speaker 5 (57:26):
And Keith, and if you have to refer to the
same list most days or every day, then then do that. Yeah,
and again, be grateful for everything that you have and
what things that you've done that you were successful for
that made a difference in your life, and focus on those.

Speaker 4 (57:45):
That's that's exactly right. I agree, hundred percent. Yeah, good deal.

Speaker 1 (57:49):
Yeah, grateful for you and grateful for your call. Thank
you so much, Happy New Year.

Speaker 5 (57:54):
You got it.

Speaker 4 (57:56):
But he's right, He's exactly right.

Speaker 1 (58:00):
Lists are so important and if you do it right
before you go to bed, five things that you're grateful for.
I mean, anybody can come up with five things that
you're grateful for.

Speaker 2 (58:11):
I remember I was in a really bad mood. This
was a very long time ago, and.

Speaker 1 (58:18):
I was talking to my sister on the phone and
she said, tell me something you're grateful for, and I.

Speaker 2 (58:23):
Didn't want to do it. I was in a bad
mood and I didn't want to do it. And I
was like, I'm grateful for you, and she was like,
grab me. I did not.

Speaker 1 (58:32):
So there's a resistance to to when you're in a
bad mood.

Speaker 2 (58:38):
Sometimes you just want to stay there.

Speaker 1 (58:39):
But I'm telling you, the longer you stay there, the
harder it is to get out of it.

Speaker 3 (58:44):
I would agree with that too, because it's a self
fulfilling prophecy. Yeah, we create our own reality by what
by the thoughts we tell ourselves. There's a whole school
of therapy called narrative therapy, and it looks at the
stories that we write about ourselves.

Speaker 2 (58:59):
Do you think it's helpful to.

Speaker 1 (59:03):
Sit quietly, maybe with a pen and a piece of
paper and close your eyes. And what's ironic is that
when you try and listen to a thought, they're not there.
It's hard to which is great because you have a
peace of mind for a second, and one deep breath
can get you into the present moment. It's really important
to try and find that as much as possible. Is

(59:24):
just to be present in life and being in nature
and being with your animals and your pets and things
like that can get you present. But is it helpful
to write down some of the things that you're saying
to yourself, like in a journal of like, Wow, I
just said that I am mean and I don't mean it.

(59:47):
I'm mean and I'm nasty and nobody likes me. Is
that really the truth? You've got to question these thoughts.

Speaker 4 (59:53):
That you're having to put your thoughts on trial. Yes, yeah, you.

Speaker 1 (59:56):
Have to question them because the ego tries to pull
you in that mind made self.

Speaker 4 (01:00:02):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:00:03):
And and first, I don't know what reason that is.
I have no idea why we are battling the ego
all the time. It's a negativity bias.

Speaker 2 (01:00:12):
Is that what it is?

Speaker 3 (01:00:13):
Well, I mean, evolutionarily speaking, we are brain's designed to
keep us alive, right.

Speaker 1 (01:00:18):
So they're looking for things to keep us out of danger.

Speaker 3 (01:00:22):
Yeah, we're constantly Our brains are designed to keep us alive,
so we have to constantly scan for threats. If a
threat's not there, then our brain will focus on what's
wrong in this present moment, even if nothing's wrong, and
then we believe it is true. Just because a thought
is a thought is a thought, right, It doesn't mean
it's true.

Speaker 1 (01:00:42):
Yeah, yeah, you have to question everything and ask yourself
questions like do I really am I really mad at
somebody that didn't text me back and it's taken them
an hour?

Speaker 2 (01:00:53):
Is that really what I'm going to be upset about.

Speaker 1 (01:00:56):
I just had like the most amazing on air gig
and I just had amazing for you clients that right,
I just killed it in yoga and I was so
strong whatever, And then I'm gonna get myself all upset
because somebody didn't text me back something, or somebody didn't
like my Facebook page at the very minimum?

Speaker 2 (01:01:17):
Right? Can we evolve from that.

Speaker 3 (01:01:20):
With mindfulness awareness? You can, but that can expect to
what you were talking about writing it down. I think
if you're going to write down the negative things you're thinking,
I would want to say that it's a part of
me that's thinking it, not all of me. This is
like a false voice, it's like a false self. So

(01:01:40):
that's what I tell my clients to you, right, it's
like the inner critic.

Speaker 1 (01:01:43):
Talking to me right, right, And you don't it's like somebody,
It's like you would never hang out with somebody on
a consistent basis a friend that was so negative all
the time. You'd be like, get out of here, that's right.
But that's what we do to ourselves in our head
all the time.

Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
It's can say it's insanity, it really is.

Speaker 1 (01:02:05):
I mean, if you think about the craziness of the
ego and the mind made self and how negative it
can be, and people don't understand that it's not really them.
It's just these patterns of growing up and things that
we've heard being told. We talked about being bullied, right,

(01:02:26):
and if you believe, like you you've been bullied and
they say you're this, you're that, you're whatever, and those
things you hold on to that could be part of
the ego in your later adult life.

Speaker 3 (01:02:40):
Absolutely, absolutely, Yeah, I can relate to that for sure.

Speaker 1 (01:02:43):
And so and so the how would you say, other
than writing it down or finding things to be grateful for,
would you say looking at that or would you just
ignore the voice altogether?

Speaker 5 (01:02:55):
Me?

Speaker 1 (01:02:56):
I just ignore it and say, no, that's not me,
that's that alter ego. That's not a good person. And
I don't want to I don't want to hear it,
don't want to pay attention to it.

Speaker 4 (01:03:05):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:03:06):
Yeah, so that's one strategy you can certainly do and
it works for you. It sounds like does it work
for you?

Speaker 2 (01:03:11):
Yes, it does?

Speaker 3 (01:03:12):
Okay, then great. And then there are other people that
who might want to look at like what's the reason
for it? So I'll have them like talk to their
inner child. Yeah, and have a conversation with the inner child.
And that can help some people too.

Speaker 1 (01:03:26):
So if somebody in your office says, listen, I've been negative.

Speaker 2 (01:03:30):
I can't get out of it.

Speaker 1 (01:03:32):
And I feel like some of this is my mom
used to just criticize me on everything. Yeah, and I
feel like some of this stuff is carried over in
my adult life.

Speaker 2 (01:03:43):
I got to get rid of it. How do I
do it?

Speaker 4 (01:03:45):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:03:45):
In that case, I would say, let's talk to the
inner child as your adult self. So let's imagine that
they're sitting in a chair in this office with us
right now. Yeah, and I want you to ask them
to tell you what it is that the thoughts are,
and then I want you to respond to them in
a way that you needed to hear, what you give

(01:04:07):
yourself what you needed to hear back then that you
get Oh.

Speaker 2 (01:04:10):
That that makes my heart right.

Speaker 1 (01:04:12):
I mean, because you do have to parent yourself to yourself.
You do it's it's you have to be your mother,
you have to be your father, you have to be
your sister, you have to be your daughter. You have
to and it really is having your own back. And
that's a great example of doing that right there. Yeah,
that's right, that's fantastic. When we come back, and please

(01:04:33):
feel free to join in the conversation five one, three,
four ninety seven thousand. I know some of you are
calling in and I haven't gotten a chance to, but
please call back. We have one more hour on the show,
and what we're going to talk about in the eleven
o'clock hour is really crazy statistics about women twenty five
point fifty four and being single by choice. We're going

(01:04:54):
to talk about are you happy being single? Do you
want to get into a relate reationship in twenty twenty six?
Is your relationship working now? And what are you doing
to support that? So coming back a lot to get
into in the eleven o'clock hour, Russ Jackson producing, We've
got news and weather coming up. The Bengals tomorrow against

(01:05:16):
Arizona one pm A pay Corp. It's gonna be a
good game and it's gonna be warm. Almost seventy degrees.
Donna d doctor Wes is WLW, Cincinnati. Well, no, I
think men taking care of their And he had just said,
I'm not going to your yoga class because my feet
are so ugly. Well, go get a pedicure, go get
get some help with that. Why are you gonna lose

(01:05:38):
your man card?

Speaker 4 (01:05:39):
Right? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:05:41):
Is it stereo?

Speaker 3 (01:05:42):
It's stereotypical gender role, it's gender role typing. It's prescriptiveness
that men are supposed to do these things and men
are not supposed to do these things. And if you do, then,
as that individual said, they're gonna pull the man card
from that person. So yeah, it's we have to broad
the gender role a little bit and say that it's

(01:06:05):
okay for me emotion.

Speaker 4 (01:06:07):
Yeah, that's okay.

Speaker 1 (01:06:09):
I personally love when men show emotion.

Speaker 2 (01:06:15):
It's it's it's foreign to me when they don't.

Speaker 1 (01:06:19):
Yeah, you know, I and and really I don't know
if it's me being you know, comfortable with men, asking
questions with them, and you know, because they show emotion
to me, I don't see too many men that are
just stone cold, and I think they want to be

(01:06:39):
emotional creatures.

Speaker 2 (01:06:41):
They want to let it out.

Speaker 3 (01:06:43):
Yeah, of course they do we all have emotions because
that's our barometer for we have to That's the way
we keep ourselves alive, right, is by our feelings, right,
which then tell our brains what to do and and
and so. But Yeah, the Surgeon General into twenty twenty
three a formerly identified loneliness and social isolation as a

(01:07:04):
public health crisis, and middle aged and older men report
steeper declines in friendships than women, And.

Speaker 2 (01:07:11):
So I would agree with that.

Speaker 1 (01:07:14):
I would agree that men really need to work hard
at finding close relationships and they have to trust other guys.
There's plenty of guys that do that, that support people
in men's groups and things like that.

Speaker 2 (01:07:30):
If I was a younger guy, I would search.

Speaker 1 (01:07:32):
Out mentors and men groups and people that are positive
role models in your church or your community that are
going to support a loving, open hearted.

Speaker 2 (01:07:44):
Relationship with a man.

Speaker 4 (01:07:46):
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 2 (01:07:47):
I think that is really important.

Speaker 1 (01:07:48):
Okay, back to the stats of by twenty thirty, nearly
fifty percent of women twenty five to forty five, according
to Morgan Stanley, will be single by choice forty five
to fifty five percent. There's four reasons for that, one
of them changing social attitudes. So a rising share of
women report that marriage is not essential.

Speaker 2 (01:08:10):
For a fulfilling life.

Speaker 1 (01:08:11):
Surveys show that nearly half women don't see marriages as essential,
and they would prefer to.

Speaker 2 (01:08:20):
Get careers early on.

Speaker 1 (01:08:22):
They're not saying marriage is out of the question, but
they want to get their careers going first.

Speaker 2 (01:08:28):
That's the first thing. Economic independence.

Speaker 1 (01:08:31):
A lot more women are in the workforce, they're getting
higher education, and they're gaining greater financial autonomy versus prior generations,
so it reduces the economic pressure to marry a man.

Speaker 2 (01:08:48):
So that's number two. Delayed family formation.

Speaker 1 (01:08:52):
The median age of a first marriage has steadily increased
over decades. More women are choosing to delay childbirth or
remain child free, often citing career goals and economic pressures
or lifestyle choices. And then the final one is the
relationship dynamics. Some women report frustration with modern dating norms

(01:09:14):
and evolving expectations about emotional availability, equality, and partnership dynamics.
So they're they're seeing, Hey, my parents' marriage didn't work out,
and my aunt's marriage didn't work out, and my sister's
marriage didn't work out. I'm gonna wait and I'm gonna
put all my eggs in this basket in terms of

(01:09:34):
my career and making myself financially responsible. That's where this
is coming from. Let's go to Michael from Sydney and
find out why males feel.

Speaker 2 (01:09:44):
The same way they do. Michael, you're on with Donna Dan,
doctor West. What what what do you say about all this?

Speaker 1 (01:09:52):
Well, it's my Hey, hey Michael, for some reason, we're
not getting you.

Speaker 2 (01:10:05):
You're breaking up.

Speaker 5 (01:10:10):
Hear me out?

Speaker 2 (01:10:11):
Uh, sort of keep going and if we do, you
might have to. Are you on a bluetooth? Oh that's better, Michael,
Can you hear me?

Speaker 1 (01:10:26):
Yes? Okay, go ahead. Uh oh boy, I'm sorry, Michael.
Try and call back when you're in a better service area.
For some reason, we're not picking you up. You're going
in and out. And I do want to hear because
it's it's about the male population, and I do want

(01:10:48):
to hear your comments. See if you can call back
in a better a better zone here.

Speaker 2 (01:10:55):
Uh So, So.

Speaker 1 (01:10:58):
If women are able to support themselves and they feel
like the twenty five forty five range is going to
be their highest career potential earnings and they're going to
they're getting out of college and they.

Speaker 2 (01:11:13):
Just want to go for work.

Speaker 1 (01:11:14):
What does that do to society in terms of I mean,
I mean, I know that we have eight billion people
on the planet, and I know Elon Musk this is
a big thing he worries.

Speaker 2 (01:11:27):
About all the time.

Speaker 1 (01:11:28):
Is is population control and how people how we're going
to be You know, there's not going to be any
humans left on the planet if we don't continue to procreate.

Speaker 2 (01:11:39):
What are your thoughts on this.

Speaker 3 (01:11:41):
Well, I think that I, as you were talking, Donna,
the reason why I at least a contributing factor for
why I think women are going to be single is
man keeping.

Speaker 4 (01:11:56):
You remember me bringing this up.

Speaker 2 (01:11:57):
To you, Yes, I do.

Speaker 3 (01:11:59):
Man Keeping describes the emotional and social labor that women
often perform in heterosexual relationships, acting as therapists, social directors,
and life coaches for their male partners, stemming from a
male friendship recession where men lack deep male bonds. So

(01:12:21):
I think that women are just they're tired of having
to compensate for the lack of social, emotional, and relational
skills that men have. It's the result though, of I
think generations of us not cultivating those skills in men, right,
and so we're just having to now pay the piper

(01:12:42):
on that, right, And so it's what do I think
it's going to do to society. I think that it's
going to create more of a more of an egalitarian
or an equal footing, you know, even more so than
than I think it's can possibly be a good thing.
What do you think, Donna?

Speaker 1 (01:12:58):
Well, you know, I'm not exactly sure how to feel
about this stat because, well, first of all, you know,
I'm fifty six and I was married, happily married. We've
talked about that, but I chose not to have kids,
and that's very I mean, I have four sisters and

(01:13:18):
they all have they all have kids, and they all
have grandkids, and so my choice is very different from
what society taught all of us. Right, and I was
in a happy marriage. I could have absolutely had a
child at any time. So the fact that women are

(01:13:40):
moving towards not wanting to have children and not wanting
to get married is going to be the flip.

Speaker 2 (01:13:48):
So I will be.

Speaker 1 (01:13:51):
I'm now the minority, and I will be the majority
by twenty thirty.

Speaker 3 (01:13:56):
That seems I see either your question. Now, yeah, that's
concerning then well procreation and and keeping the planet going
for sure, But also I think I was coming at
it from more of a feminist perspective, more of like
a this is good that women are continuing to differentiate,
you know.

Speaker 1 (01:14:14):
And I get that, and I do agree that. Listen, nobody, uh,
And there is such a thing as man keeping.

Speaker 2 (01:14:21):
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (01:14:22):
You're you're their therapist, you're their best friend, you're their
their spouse, you're there sometimes mom, you're their financial abors.
I mean, there's there's everything because guys don't have friends
like women do most men, so the woman becomes everything
to this one guy, and it's exhausting and it's like,
and I'm not to be honest, My husband was like

(01:14:45):
that too, and I used to invite him everywhere I went,
including with all my girlfriends, and I'm like, why is
my husband the only one here? I mean, like why
why would he want to go either? Because I was
his social outlet and he didn't have you know, he
didn't keep up with a bunch of his friends because
when he had me, he just kind of left everybody behind.

(01:15:07):
And I used to say, why aren't you Why don't
you have You used to have all these friends, Why
are where are they?

Speaker 2 (01:15:13):
What happened?

Speaker 1 (01:15:14):
You got to continue your friendships you can't just get
married and then leave all your friends behind you.

Speaker 3 (01:15:19):
That's what I did. That's exactly what I did. And
then why do you guys do that? And my fifteen
year marriage ended, and now I'm like, I gotta go
find friends. Yeah, I can't just work all the time.
That's not healthy, no.

Speaker 1 (01:15:33):
Right, And so so that is so interesting and I'm
just looking at that for the first time. I mean,
like remembering how hard that was as a as a woman,
and being his social social network too.

Speaker 3 (01:15:50):
I think if you called up my ex wife, she'd
probably say she was she felt like she was man
keeping me.

Speaker 4 (01:15:55):
She probably felt like that.

Speaker 2 (01:15:56):
Yeah, Well, and would you agree with her?

Speaker 5 (01:15:58):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (01:15:58):
I would.

Speaker 3 (01:15:59):
I would, yeah, because I was raised up in that.
I was raised up with a dominant mother. My dad
was outside the home, he was the you know, he
was working two jobs to keep things going for us.
You know, my mom was working inside the home and
outside the home. But my mom was my primary parent
growing up. And so I think that may have something

(01:16:24):
to do with it too. Who was the primary parent
growing up? For people, for men in particular, and they
kind and.

Speaker 1 (01:16:31):
Who you relate to more, and and and and and
the roles that you take on. If you were a mom,
if you were closer to your mom, you might get
a little bit more of the feminine energy and then
carry that into your adult life. And if you were
the dad, you might have the sports, the rugged, the
don't cry, don't emotion kind of a thing, and keep

(01:16:51):
all your friends and do you know all that stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:16:54):
When you give all your power away.

Speaker 1 (01:16:57):
It's it's there's a danger of one relationship carrying too
much emotional weight. Yes, And when you put all your
eggs in one basket, yep, and which I did. Yeah,
I mean when you do that, there is a sense
of scared, scarcity, safety, all kinds of stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:17:24):
Can you speak on.

Speaker 4 (01:17:25):
That, sure?

Speaker 3 (01:17:26):
Yeah, I mean when you put all your eggs in
one basket, then it increases the fear I think response,
the anxiety response. The weight is heavy on this person
because now they have to be the emotional and social laborer.
That's really what I think that I that I found
most interesting about mankeeping. So they have to take care

(01:17:49):
of your emotions, they have to take care of your
social caw much pressure.

Speaker 4 (01:17:52):
It's too much pressure.

Speaker 2 (01:17:53):
It's too much pressure, it's too much weight.

Speaker 3 (01:17:55):
And then they become what I hear in my practice
a lot. I have a lot of women that can
in and say I feel like I have a third child.
Oh my husband is my third child or my fourth child.

Speaker 1 (01:18:07):
Definitely not what you want to have. Let's get to Michael,
because Michael is back. Michael, we can hear you. Hopefully
you want to talk about how many? What about the
man thing that we're talking about?

Speaker 7 (01:18:22):
Yeah, I just I heard a little bit because it
was cutting in and out. Yeah, So basically you're saying
that the man, he's a woman mostly financially security wise.

Speaker 6 (01:18:42):
No, so women's second fourth child.

Speaker 1 (01:18:46):
Well, yeah, you kind of getting bits and pieces here.
So what we're saying is that women in twenty thirty
are going to be more focused on their career than
getting married with children between the ages of twenty five
to forty four or forty five. That's the discussion and
why is that happening? And doctor West suggested that there

(01:19:10):
is something called man keeping where you're basically everything to
the man. You're his wife, you're his social network, you're
his therapist, you're his everything, and there is such a
thing as that.

Speaker 2 (01:19:28):
Do you agree, Michael.

Speaker 7 (01:19:33):
Cowboys been the opposite?

Speaker 6 (01:19:36):
Okay, the woman to keep her.

Speaker 7 (01:19:39):
I guess.

Speaker 1 (01:19:42):
Okay, so you pay you, you take care of your
woman financially, and do you support her socially?

Speaker 2 (01:19:49):
Do you have all the friends and things like that?

Speaker 7 (01:19:53):
Well?

Speaker 2 (01:19:53):
I did, and what happened.

Speaker 7 (01:19:59):
Well I had a letter just because of the same
reason why you're saying it.

Speaker 1 (01:20:03):
Was it exhausting for you to be everything to one person?

Speaker 7 (01:20:09):
Absolutely?

Speaker 1 (01:20:10):
Yeah, that's what we're talking about. So is it so
in your relationship were you married? Was it your wife?

Speaker 7 (01:20:18):
She was my fiance?

Speaker 6 (01:20:20):
Okay, my first wife was exhausting also, okay.

Speaker 2 (01:20:24):
So is this a pattern for him? Doctor West?

Speaker 4 (01:20:27):
Yeah? Absolutely? Yeah, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:20:29):
Why do you feel the need, Michael to take care
of these women and then you end up getting so
exhausted about it?

Speaker 7 (01:20:38):
Well, I haven't done that for a year.

Speaker 5 (01:20:40):
Now.

Speaker 7 (01:20:41):
Are you to take care of myself?

Speaker 4 (01:20:43):
Good? Good?

Speaker 7 (01:20:46):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (01:20:47):
How are you doing that?

Speaker 5 (01:20:50):
Uh?

Speaker 7 (01:20:51):
Just working out, going to work, good, hanging up with
my family, my two wonderful dollars, my great grandchild, not
great grandchild, but grandchild, right right?

Speaker 2 (01:21:06):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:21:07):
Well, Michael, thank you for the call, and I appreciate it.
So you're happy being single? Because that's the question we're
going to ask everybody right now. Are you happy being single?
Or do you want to meet somebody in twenty twenty
six and have the greatest love affair.

Speaker 7 (01:21:24):
That would take a miracle.

Speaker 1 (01:21:29):
Twenty twenty six might bring it. Michael, thank you for
calling back. We appreciate the call. Happy New Year. So
do you care about being single? Are you happy being single?
Is it something that you prefer to be single then
to be in a relationship right now? Currently, we're talking
about ending relationships in twenty twenty five because those that

(01:21:51):
were not serving us, those that were fear based, those
were attachment based. Twenty twenty six is the year the
horse that's bringing in all new energy and all new
love based relationships.

Speaker 2 (01:22:01):
Give us a call.

Speaker 1 (01:22:02):
Five one, three, seven, four nine, seven thousand, one eight hundred,
the Big One. We have one more segment left. It's
Donna d and Doctor Wes seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. There
was somebody that won a million dollars in Ohio. I
do have my power Ball tickets, so I'm gonna have
to check on that. But he's right. So if you're

(01:22:22):
asking why is this happening to me, you're in the
victim role. If you're asking what can I learn from it?
You become powerful.

Speaker 2 (01:22:32):
And that's a really big deal.

Speaker 1 (01:22:33):
And Wes, we were talking earlier about aligning right your
personality with your soul because even when you're negative, and
he said the mind is negative, and I agree with him.

Speaker 2 (01:22:44):
The mind is very useful tool.

Speaker 1 (01:22:46):
We just overuse it and because we overuse it, it
gets negative. And you had a term for it and protecting.
We're used to protecting ourselves and things like that. But
when you ask yourself before you comment on any body
or you or you make reply to somebody, and you
ask yourself, am I aligned with what I really want

(01:23:11):
to say?

Speaker 4 (01:23:11):
Yes?

Speaker 3 (01:23:13):
And intentionality right would be the word I would put.

Speaker 2 (01:23:16):
On that right.

Speaker 1 (01:23:17):
So if you if you say, you know, I feel
like I'm aligned with all the good things about myself
and how I want to respond, you just feel better
about everything. And it's almost as if you don't really
care what the other people other person says or does
because you can handle it. It's a there's a there's
a level of trust that comes with yourself when you

(01:23:41):
don't react to what other people are doing, you respond.

Speaker 2 (01:23:45):
Let's get to Wayne on a Dayton. Hi, Wayne, how
are you? You're on with Dunnade and doctor Wes. How's
it going tonight?

Speaker 5 (01:23:52):
Hey, pretty good? Pretty good? Two things on that. I
think most of us are going to go through life
better if you have a partner married, therefore, that you
can count on because things change, people get sick, to
go to the hospital for maybe six months or a year,

(01:24:13):
they have another problem, or one of them gets fired.
And even if it's the woman that's making the big money,
the man should still structure himself up so he can
by education and by preparation for a job if he
has to take over. Yes, because you get enough surprises

(01:24:36):
in life. Things happen no matter how darn good and
how much money you make, you get surprises you got.
And besides being organized and good, you've got to have
a certain amount of luck. Kind of like a basketball player.
He's okay as long as he doesn't fall down on
the floor and break his leg for the next year

(01:24:56):
or for the rest of his life. You need that
support element from two people. And even if one is
making a lot more money the husband, let's say it's
the wife making a lot more money, the husband has
to be ready to take over if something should happen
to the life, either by education or doing something on

(01:25:21):
the side that he can do it from home to
take care of while he's taking care of the children.

Speaker 1 (01:25:26):
I love that because Brene Brown always says, nobody's going
to be if you're in a relationship, nobody's going to
be one hundred percent all the time. It's not one
hundred percent and one hundred percent. If you say, listen,
I only have twenty percent today, can you pick up
the pace because I need your eighty percent?

Speaker 2 (01:25:41):
And he's like, well, I only have forty percent.

Speaker 1 (01:25:43):
Well, let's try and figure out how we can we
can make today.

Speaker 2 (01:25:47):
Work with a sixty percent share.

Speaker 1 (01:25:49):
It's never going to be one hundred percent on one
side one hundred percent on the other. You're going to
have to have somebody pick up the slack. And if
you know that your partner has your back, that's everything,
isn't it, Wayne?

Speaker 5 (01:26:04):
Yeah, And nothing's guaranteed. Things happen to people in life,
whether it's a personality conflict with a big, well paying
job that she's got, or get sick or has to
do something else, or god forbid, the husband can't take

(01:26:25):
care of the kids because he's sick, So got to
be prepared, so both of them have to continue to
develop themselves if they're going to stay married.

Speaker 3 (01:26:36):
So tell me if you're comfortable a little bit about
your relationship, how long you've been in your relationship, and
how you've kept it going.

Speaker 5 (01:26:45):
A long time, by thinking of that person, by sometimes
pausing and not responding immediately, about putting some thought into
it when she's having difficulty and we've been married a
long time, and when she's having difficulty and says something

(01:27:06):
that upsets you, you don't have to respond right away.
Write some thought into it before you say something that
you're going to make it worse or that you're going
to be sorry for it.

Speaker 1 (01:27:18):
Man, if that isn't the best advice right there, I mean,
give give somebody grace if they're having a bad day
and then get you know, look at them in the
most positive light when when you know that that's not
who they are. They're just they just lashed out. And
you don't want to have to be, you know, somebody
that lashes back. You want to be the one that says,

(01:27:39):
it's okay, you're all right, I got you, it's all good,
don't worry about it.

Speaker 5 (01:27:45):
And it's like both of them have jobs to do. Yes,
it can be a primary but the other the backup
person has to be developing himself too, and but extremely
important to have respect for each other and be thoughtful
of each other and realize what striving the other person.

(01:28:09):
That kind of thing.

Speaker 2 (01:28:10):
I love it.

Speaker 1 (01:28:11):
Thoughtful is something that I know that women really appreciate.

Speaker 2 (01:28:17):
You're thoughtful.

Speaker 1 (01:28:18):
You even just you know, picking flowers or filling her
gas saying or opening her card door. I'm telling you,
women really do care about that stuff. And if you're thoughtful,
it goes a long long way. Thank you so much
Wayne for the call.

Speaker 2 (01:28:35):
I agree with you. Have a wonderful new year.

Speaker 5 (01:28:40):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:28:40):
Okay, bye bye.

Speaker 1 (01:28:43):
So, if if you can see the long lasting relationships,
these men are very caring, they're very thoughtful there. They
love their wives, They give each other grace, They communicate well,
they don't rush to for you know, if she lashes out,
he gives her time and they'll figure it out. These

(01:29:04):
are the things that work for long standing relationships.

Speaker 3 (01:29:07):
Yeah, there's a lot of emotional intelligence, right, And the
guys that have called in tonight, that's what I love
about it is they're they're bringing forth a whole lot
of emotional intelligence and that's what's making those relationships work too.

Speaker 1 (01:29:21):
Yeah, I mean EI is the new AI. I mean
maybe maybe not. I'll just make that up. But emotional
intelligence is really important, yes, And emotional intelligence is really
can you describe it?

Speaker 3 (01:29:34):
Yeah, I mean it's basically it's for me, the way
I would describe it to my clients would be, it
is the ability for you to be in the present
moment and be aware of what you're emotionally feeling, what
someone else is feeling, and being able to show up
and kind of measure the present moment and take the
emotional temperature in the room. Yeah, and be able to affect,

(01:29:55):
you know, be effective.

Speaker 2 (01:29:57):
Yes.

Speaker 5 (01:29:58):
Right.

Speaker 1 (01:29:58):
So when we were talking about young men earlier, yeah,
and and and we've had some older gentlemen call about being,
you know, married for forty or four years, and and
and thus, do you think that the younger generation of
men have the emotional intelligence that these older men have.

Speaker 4 (01:30:19):
I don't think so. Not, not currently.

Speaker 5 (01:30:22):
Not.

Speaker 4 (01:30:22):
I don't think that there's.

Speaker 1 (01:30:24):
Because if all you're seeing is them exhibiting anger, that's
not emotional intelligence.

Speaker 4 (01:30:29):
No.

Speaker 2 (01:30:30):
No, So how do you how do we you know?

Speaker 1 (01:30:33):
That seems like a really giant question to ask you,
but you know, what are you doing If somebody comes
into your office, a young man that says, I'm just
angry and that's all I got, how do you handle that?

Speaker 4 (01:30:46):
I print off an emotion wheel.

Speaker 1 (01:30:48):
Okay, you have seen your emotional wheel. Yeah, it's great. No,
I think it's great.

Speaker 3 (01:30:53):
And it's the And I put an emotion wheel in
front of them. I send it to them. I say,
I need you to name your emotion before you do
anything else, kind of like what Wayne said. Yeah, you know,
he paused, don't just give yourself a minute. I want
people to name their emotion that they're feeling. Because if
you can name it, you can tame it. You can say, Okay,
this makes sense that I'm feeling this way.

Speaker 1 (01:31:14):
Yeah, Because sadness can turn to anger real quick, very quickly.
And if you and if and if and if you're
not allowing yourself to feel sad, or to feel hurt
or or even depressed a little bit in the only
emotion that you're allowing yourself to feel is anger. Right,

(01:31:36):
that's anger is is there's a reason you get angry,
but you're not supposed to live in an angry state.
It's so it's there for a purpose to maybe get
you off your feet and do something like if you
you know, if you want, if you see a child
being abused or an animal being you get up and
you no way, you know, That's what anger can do,

(01:31:57):
is to lift you up and get you marching. But
you're not supposed to live there. That's a terrible state
to live. Anger is very very hard to live. And
you see that this is what's happening with the young men.

Speaker 3 (01:32:08):
Well they're just not there's for whatever reason, they're not
able to articulate their emotions. And I think it goes
back to that social programming you know of of don't
don't feel don't, don't be vulnerable, uh be you know
for whatever I don't. We could probably spend all night
talking about it. Yeah, come up with all kinds of
reasons why. But I do think that I also think

(01:32:30):
that we live in such a society, the social media generation.
We've got the you know, the attention span of I
don't know's it's not very long.

Speaker 1 (01:32:39):
No, it's scrolling it gosh if even for me, if
something takes too.

Speaker 2 (01:32:44):
Long, Hey it's me, I'm and I'm like no.

Speaker 3 (01:32:47):
So they're not taking the time to really ask themselves
what am I feeling right now?

Speaker 2 (01:32:50):
Plus it's a constant level of what is it not?

Speaker 1 (01:32:54):
Is it cortisol or huh, it's Dopamine's of constantly just
if you don't like it, switch switch switch switch dopamine
hit where it's where where they're being fed all of this,
And it's just that nobody's bored, and boredom is a
place where where creativity is, where patience comes from.

Speaker 2 (01:33:19):
We have to be bored.

Speaker 1 (01:33:21):
We have to you know, we have to find a
place where we just sit and do nothing and not
scroll and not this or that, or walk in nature side.

Speaker 2 (01:33:30):
Yeah, it can be nature. Walking in nature can feel.

Speaker 1 (01:33:34):
Boring because scrolling is so interesting and you see people
eating giant bowls of food and it's like wow, what
is this person doing and what is that person doing?
And there's all kinds of stunts. Yeah, and you know,
all kinds of stuff. We can we can talk about
this all night long, I will say. In terms of

(01:33:56):
going into twenty twenty six, and I am hopeful for
this year because like I said, we've put up with
that people in all kinds of charts and astrology and
everything else, and it's not like I, you know, live
and die by that by any means, it's this is
not But I've read how how hard twenty twenty five

(01:34:18):
was on all of us, and I've felt it myself,
and I do think twenty twenty six is going to
be a year of transformation. And I can feel like
the energy of a lot of people doing the work
right and they're not victims anymore. They're actually taking control
of their life and there and they're understanding that it's

(01:34:39):
not them, it's me, And that's a really good thing
if you look at it that way. What do you
think the number one thing is, doctor West, that we
should focus on to make ourselves happy in twenty twenty six.
If you had to choose one or two things, I mean,
you know what mine is, and it's going to be
self exploration. It's to be focusing on how you can

(01:35:03):
handle all of your take responsibility for all of your emotions,
because it's really nobody else's. It's all how you handle
and respond to things.

Speaker 3 (01:35:12):
I would take a technology break every day, Yeah, not
in a fifteen minute break.

Speaker 1 (01:35:19):
Yeah, put the phone down, get away from the computer,
and go walk outside.

Speaker 3 (01:35:24):
Ten to fifteen minutes and just observe your emotions and
your thoughts without judgment. That's what I would do. Yeah,
and be intentional about that. I think social media is
really having a lot of negative, really negative impact on
our emotional and social wellbeing.

Speaker 1 (01:35:41):
So take breaks from just being on your phone and
on your computer, but also big time breaks from social
media and doom scrolling, correct, because that is important. I
think that's really good advice in order for you to
be happy. Huh, get rid of some of the social media. Yes, yes,
I think that is really good. Well, I am looking

(01:36:02):
forward to it. It's been a really fun year starting
these relationship radio shows with you. You've been my partner
in crime since oh gosh, We've been doing it for
at least two or three months now, and I've learned
a lot, and I hope everybody's learned from this.

Speaker 2 (01:36:19):
We are going to be back in January.

Speaker 1 (01:36:21):
It's going to be the end of January January because
we have some sports and stuff, but we'll be back
in February January and then February March.

Speaker 2 (01:36:28):
We'll have quite a.

Speaker 1 (01:36:29):
Few shows because we want to keep this going. The
idea is to help support people and to support ourselves
and create a community of people that are engaged and
want to connect and find happiness within themselves and with
their partners. So that's our main goal. And I'm really

(01:36:51):
happy here a partner with me. Same here, happy twenty
twenty six and we're not even there.

Speaker 2 (01:36:57):
Sterling.

Speaker 1 (01:36:57):
I wanted to get on the here today to go
for what is new Year's resolution is?

Speaker 2 (01:37:01):
But I already know, and it's to be a better person.

Speaker 1 (01:37:04):
He makes the same resolution every single year, is to
be a better person. And really, what else is there
is to be a better person. It's the longest journey
you will ever take in this life, is from your
head to your heart. And if you can manage to
be more loving as you get older, because it's not
that easy, you're going in the right direction. Yeah right, yes, absolutely,

(01:37:27):
all right, Well, thank you so much. All the calls
were great tonight. We will be back end of January.
I'll be on the weekends with Sterling on Saturdays and
possibly on Sundays.

Speaker 2 (01:37:39):
Go Bengals big game tomorrow.

Speaker 1 (01:37:41):
I mean, it's always gonna be nice if we get
a win, anytime we get it. So Bengals and Arizona
one pm and pay Corp seventy degrees out. There's nothing
wrong with that. At the end of December. There's really
nothing wrong with that. Thank you Russ Jackson for producing
the show. Thank you everybody for all the calls coming in,
and we will see you next year. Dona Dean, doctor

(01:38:05):
Wes seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati,