BONUS - What Your Coffee Order Really Says About You (According to Science)

Is your coffee order just a preference… or a personality profile in a cup? A new study claims your go-to drink might reveal way more about you than you realize—and The Jubal Show breaks it down in the most hilarious way possible.

From black coffee loyalists to iced-coffee-in-a-snowstorm people, this segment dives into the unfiltered psychology behind popular coffee orders, complete with bold assumptions, brutal honesty, and laugh-out-loud commentary. You may feel seen, mildly attacked, or suddenly reconsidering your morning routine altogether.

Before your next caffeine run, you might want to hear what your order says about your chaos level, emotional state, and coping mechanisms.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
How do you like your coffee tall? Dark, heavy on
the cream? Well, I ask because a recent study was
just published on what your coffee order says about you,
and we'll go over it next so you can find
out all you need to know about yourself based on
how you like your being prepared. Well, oh, right after this, Wow,
it's Ajewble show. What if I like to put ketchup

(00:22):
in my coffee? Is psychopath the Jewel Show. That's a
text message we just got into four one oh sixty
one because a recent study just published says what your
coffee order says about you as a person. If you
like to put ketchup in your coffee's a lot of questions, yeah,
that one. Anyway, think about how you like your coffee
and how stabby you get if the breista makes your
coffee wrong, and will tell you exactly what that says

(00:44):
about you right now. If you like your coffee black,
here's apparently what it says about your personality, you have
an emotionally repressed pragmatist with possible control fixation personality type.
Really says you like your coffee the same way you
like your interpersonal connections. It's bitter and emotionally unavailable.

Speaker 2 (01:02):
Oh, I just always think of people that drink just
plain black coffee is just having a high pain threshold.

Speaker 1 (01:08):
Really says you're probably the kind of person who calls
it bean juice and judges everybody else who needs milk
in it like they were a child. Yeah, this is
very true. They do do ye. Also to note, Ted
Bundy liked his coffee black high pain tolerance. That's the
type of personality that you have if you like your
coffee just black, if you liked iced coffee even in
the winter. Yeah, it says that your personality type is

(01:31):
a stylized chaos agent with high stimulant dependency.

Speaker 2 (01:35):
You know, it's funny every time we do these, the
word chaos always fits in the type of thing.

Speaker 3 (01:39):
I've never seen get an iced coffee before.

Speaker 2 (01:42):
I make my coffee in the morning, and I put
ice in it before I leave my home because I
have a cool coffee maker that does an espresso machine.

Speaker 1 (01:49):
It says that you prioritize aesthetics over logic. Maybe, and
your thermostat is always set to drama cold one hundred
percent of the time, but you won't touch hot coffee
because the vibes just aren't there for you. But your
whole personality is coffee, a little bit of trauma, and
one claw clip holding it all together.

Speaker 2 (02:11):
This feels like an older version of myself, not today's version, It.

Speaker 1 (02:15):
Says Billie Eilish Lord and your ex who soft blocked
you all drink iced coffee in a snowstorm. We're king
over a new study that says what your coffee order
says about you as a person. If you like a
caramel macchiato, your personality type is romanticized anxiety, romantic with
mild retail therapy compulsion.

Speaker 2 (02:36):
Interesting, and I would also add low pain threshold.

Speaker 1 (02:40):
Really, I don't know why.

Speaker 2 (02:41):
I just think people that like the super sweet drinks
just don't have a high pain tolerance.

Speaker 1 (02:44):
It says, if you get a Kraml macchiato, it's not
just a drink, it's your coping mechanism. Yes, you romanticize
the hell out of your life, main character, energy break
down and then have a Starbucks run. Yeah, I love
that for you. It says, Ariana Grande is somebody who
likes a caramel macchiato. So that type of first nat Oh, okay,
that kind of makes sense. If you like a macha laate,

(03:07):
then you carry a calm energy, but also judge people
who still drink regular coffee.

Speaker 3 (03:12):
Is it macha latte where they put macha and a
latte and they just combine.

Speaker 1 (03:15):
Yeah, they're dirty macha. Oh that's good. Yeah, I like
them a lot.

Speaker 2 (03:19):
Is it macha in milk or there's actual coffee in
your macha too? It's espresso because it's.

Speaker 1 (03:23):
It's like macha powder or whatever mixed with the coffee. Oh,
so it's a lot. It's a latte, but then they
just put macha in it. It's good. I like it
a lot. I don't know if it's my favorite, but
I like a lot. It also says you meditate, but
only after a forty minute TikTok scroll and you've definitely
said I'm protecting my piece. After ghosting a group chat,
we found.

Speaker 3 (03:43):
More like ghosting an email chat too.

Speaker 1 (03:47):
Pretty much anything. Yeah, I have no problem mixing things
out of my life at all. Yeah, like this email
thing bugs me x ex personality tough, soft spoken, mystic
with avoidant conflict tendency. Yeah, I can see that. Let
us If you like cold Proof, that's your favorite coffee,
It says your personality is a high functioning, burnout survivor

(04:10):
with resting crisis face. I'm taking this as erigually.

Speaker 3 (04:15):
Okay, but it's not just because I've tried other coffees
and I've tried to like other coffees, but they all
make me sleepy, makes me tired.

Speaker 1 (04:22):
It's really funny because it says you drink this not
because you like it, but because you need it to function.
You're either running from your problems or trying to physically
outrun them. Amazing, that's so accurate.

Speaker 2 (04:34):
I've never heard anymore in my life.

Speaker 1 (04:36):
What kind of resting face does.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
She have again? Oh, resting crisis face, resting crisis face.
That face that she makes like a little puppy going
woos your resting crisis face.

Speaker 1 (04:44):
Your vibe is high achiever on the edge of meltdown. Yeah,
you drink cold brew like its water and refer to
four hours of sleep as plenty.

Speaker 3 (04:53):
I mean, hey, man, I can sleep later.

Speaker 1 (04:55):
And here's what a vanilla latte says about you, which
is my favorite coffee? Okay, sugar f evenill at So
this one is really yeah, yes, this one is actually
my favorite. It says that you're a gentle overthinker with
people pleasing reflux disorder.

Speaker 3 (05:09):
Stop.

Speaker 1 (05:09):
Yeah, it says you're sweet, approachable, and probably say oops,
even when it's not your fault. Yeah, that reaccurate. Yeah,
sorry or oops a lot I've said when I know
I shouldn't have. You read too much into text punctuation definitely,
and use sparkles on ironically, Oh you should do that more.
But beneath the milky exteriorize a storm of indecision, your

(05:33):
panic over choosing between oat or almond milk, and then
apologize to the breeze for existing.

Speaker 2 (05:37):
Oh it's like sweet and sad.

Speaker 1 (05:41):
Yeah at the same time. Yeah, for sure you'll be
happy and said at the same time. And I've mastered
that your phone break up is ever around the twenties.
Your next one is coming up right after this. I've
been right after that. His needle's training. It's the Jewel Show.