EXIT INTERVIEW

(1949-2025) Rudolph Schultz, famed Austrian chef and owner of numerous Prego Restaurants, died from his old Oma’s gold-leaf schnitzel recipe last night. Known for his loaf sized breadsticks, his larger-than-life personality, and his childhood frenemy Christoph Waltz, Schultz clawed his way to the top of the restaurant industry while also harboring a secret desire to be a famous Hollywood actor. He will be remembered for his legenda...

(1994 - 2025) Steven Jobs (no not that Steven Jobs) died somewhat recently at a Meta Team Event promoting dozens of paintings of animal nipples. Jobs (Steven not Steve) spent his career as an intern at Instagram responsible for doing the bubbles and reading everyone's stories. Despite his humble roots as a farm boy who glossed turkey chests, Jobs (again, not that Jobs) rose the ranks at Instagram and eventually got the chance to me...

Dale Davidson, oil tycoon and poet, passed away alone in the middle of the woods near a binturong. Followed around by his reporter and maybe intimate confidant Michael Leahcim, Dale was known as being as rich as Chappelle Roan until his untimely demise. Davidson had three dreams (finding oil, forming a small country in the middle of Germany, and writing fact-based poetry) and he led a life of deceit and backwards last names in orde...

(1992 - 2025) Lisa Bergen, theoretically someone with a job, died this week after doing improv. As an orphan who was an orphan for as long as she's been an orphan, Bergen spent her days on this volatile planet hitting comedy clubs in the hopes of making a go of it in the Brooklyn improv scene. Despite completely never telling anyone anything about her passion for performing for fear of getting killed by her boss, Bergen was best kn...

(1982 - 2025) George Trudy, otherwise known by their player name PopPop McDyke, died last week in a fantasy land far far away from this humble obituary writer's countryside abode. Known for their 37-face "lucky" dice, their relentless pursuit of the perfect Dungeons and Dragons game, and the random fatal events that peppered their DMing, McDyke is most famous for joining legendary player Juno's 65 year old game (along with HuzzahKi...

(1995-2025) Ashley Daggers, newly-minted pop star and hitmaker for three foreign countries, died last night after eating the most American thing possible. Known for absolute bangers like "Body Wrong", "Skyn With A Y", "Home4Now", and "AxSent", Daggers will be remembered for her devotion to Britney Spears' goat, her angelic three-minute outros, and the zeitgeist-y relatability of her lyrics. Her funeral will be held in Trinidad and ...

(2007 - 2025) Becca B, cool hype chill girl whose Libra Moon was rising, died last night in the middle of her high school's Halloween College Admissions Dance. As a high school senior, Becca was known as both a domineering Regina George-type and a mothering friend: a combination that proved fatal in the end.  She will be remembered for her legendary Mean Girls trio costume with her friends Kaylee and Kayla, which actually turned in...

Long ago, a family in the Swiss Alps stumbled upon the world's first cigarette...unaware that it would cause a generational curse that would cleave their family in two and force their descendants into purgatory forever - until now.

Join God and the Devil as they dive back in time to save the world from the curse of Marlboro cigarettes, in a season premiere that spans the birth of BIC lighters, the throes of the Black Plague, the aft...

(1996 - 2024) Shirley Duvet, one of the most esteemed ASMR performers on JoesVideos.Net, performed a fatal stunt on Friday involving her beautiful mouth and an angular can of Diet Coke. After working for years on Popeyes mukbang, Duvet's popularity grew rapidly after transitioning into the audiobook space as a semi-softcore fairy ASMR narrator. She will be remembered for her weird relationship with Joe the Landlord/Confederate Symp...

(1984 - 2024) Asher Forsyth, le légendaire dresseur d'éléphants et briseur de plafond de verre olympique s'est fait complètement piéger dans son avion privé Marlboro il y a quelques mois. Après une première carrière à pousser le tabac contre les citoyens innocents du public américain, Forsyth est mieux connu pour la seconde moitié de sa vie : à la tête des efforts visant à permettre aux animaux d'entrer aux Jeux olympiques, en part...

(1980 - 2024) Elaine Snatch, local launderer of clothes and money, kicked the proverbial bowling ball down the alley last night. As mother of the Mayor of Coast and vigilante prosecutor of big business bullies everywhere, Snatch rose to prominence in sort of a reverse-nepo-baby situation. She will be remembered as the woman who spread all those waterborne foot illnesses while also being responsible for cleaning clothes. Daughters w...

(1998 - 2024) Christopher "Tiny" Sanchez the Fourth, scion of the Sanchez Shipping Company and co-founder of the holiday Christmas, passed away yesterday in the late afternoon doing what he loved: swinging hammers for prizes. As the youngest/favorite son of a mother-worshipping family, Sanchez pressed all the right buttons in his rapid rise to the top of his family's shipping company - growing from Sharpie-wielding hourly employee ...

(1994 - 2024) Curtis L, the local cream cheese mogul and chive aficionado who ran the Creamy Company for years, passed away last night in a pool of his own making in front of dozens of students and undead creatures. Known for absolutely bulldozing a block of houses downtown then rebuilding them brick by brick to look exactly the same, L. will be remembered as that guy who triked daily down the street carrying massive amounts of cre...