Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Yea, you have had on mymind, spent time to give me how
playing judges This song sound familiar withthe invention of AI, I probably am
(00:27):
up to writing ten twenty songs aday. So okay, let me introduce
you. This is John heffern isone of my very, very very favorite
comedians. He's probably been in studiowith me more than than anybody nice from
from Comedy Works. And he's playingComedy Works out at the Landmark. This
is Thursday, right, mel yeahah, okay, So it's playing tonight at
(00:49):
seven thirty and then Friday and Saturdaynights at seven fifteen and nine forty five.
And I think I say this everytime, but I mean it,
so I'll say it again. Johngenerally doesn't need help selling tickets, and
so I really appreciate that you takethe time to show up and hang out
because I always enjoy our visits.I appreciate you having me. It's you
(01:11):
know you don't You don't get todo radio and cities anymore, really,
so I appreciate you. Yeah wait, so wait, elaborate on that.
A lot of cities there's just nopress anymore. There's just comic clubs are
like just getting posted on your Instagrampage and then that's it. So there's
no video. I used to becauseobviously I did morning radio and then after
that I won Last Comic Standing yourstuff. I remember it just being a
(01:34):
thing where I would, you know, cry like a baby, going I'm
coming into these towns. I'm doingseven radio stations and then I have to
do a show, and then Ihave to wake up, fly home and
then do it. And then nowyou go into cities and there's like the
our door guy has a podcast?Do you want to do it? Like?
No, you know, so Iguess. So the only thing worse
(01:56):
than doing radio is not doing radio. Yeah, it's exactly, but it's
funny like yeah, you played that, well, yeah, tell us about
that? Well that was an introof some dating song I created whatever.
But now I'm obsessed with it becausewith AI, you know, you can
create any song whatever, and frommy phone, I'm not gonna boy your
listener. So that was on fourthof July. And now that I have
(02:17):
access that I can create a songalmost instantly, I go, what if
Taylor Swift sang a breakup song tothe British right, Like can I play
like you? Yeah? Yeah,yeah, ahead, play it right into
the mic where if it's online,a rod can find it and play it
to hear that. That's good.We were young and while with a spark
(02:39):
in our eyes from across the ocean. You were my first guys, but
you held me ain't tied a littletoo tight to break. I want freedom.
You just couldn't see you test notsi, but you never tax My
heart couldn't pull me down and neededfresh stars. So I wrote it down
so I knew it was my name. Second body not to say wow.
(03:02):
So that's that's Taylor Swift is asigner of the Declaration of Independence. But
it's not this, I know.I just use the prompts and what is
her voice? And then you kindof got to figure out it's breathy,
it's emotional, and then I putthat in the thing and then I,
uh, then you I mess withthe lyrics. I don't let but yeah,
And so I'm I'm constantly writing songs. So I'm a grandparent, right,
(03:25):
So I'm constantly writing song to likemy grandkids, like what so God
like? So this is my granddaughterwho is having a bad day. The
candy Darky your guy star that nightsee so then I put pictures of her
(03:46):
I made a video. Yeah.Wow yeah. So so I'll do that
with all the grandkids I have,like uh, you know, like kids
one. Some of them are twoor three, so it's very kids songy
I do it. So going backto the Taylor Swift one for a second,
do you do you tell the songgenerating thing to use Taylor Swift voice?
You can't know. You're not allowedto do. They're allowed to.
(04:10):
So so what I'll do is I'lluse chat and go explain to me Taylor's
or whatever artists and they'll go,oh, they're poppy, and they'll give
me a description. So then Iwill cut and paste that use those adjectives
and not because it'll you. Itwon't let you just steal somebody. But
that's not that's not a clone TaylorSwift that came pretty close to like you
(04:34):
know, but I do songs.I I do. I have two eagles
that are where can people find yoursongs? I don't send them to like,
you know, uh, to ourfamily members. Wow. So what
this is awesome inside baseball here,You guys can't even go on YouTube or
(04:55):
John Heffrin's web page and find thisonly here, only here on KOA.
Yeah. So what I do isis I have two eagles that live in
my front yard. So every morningif John Henley and yeah, yeah tell
this. Uh So what I dois if I walk out and I and
I see the eagles, I haveI do an Eagle morning show and I
(05:19):
have Eagle wake up called jingles thatI do with them, and it's again,
it's all a I like. I'llshow you right here. Okay,
everybody rides and shine, tune intothe vibe. It's Eagle time. Wake
up, Get on board. It'sEagle Morning Show. You'll never be bored.
We've got to two. We've gotthe news, Grab your coffee,
(05:40):
shake off those blues. It's beautifuldays. I don't delay. Eagle Radio
starts now, so don't hit thesnooze. Moving on, there's a little
trivia for you, So I woulddo like an egle uh and who do
you share that with? I?That one I'll post. Yeah, okay.
Then I have currently going a fakemorning show of a classical radio station
(06:01):
that always baffles me, that classicalradio station in BEETHOVEA. You were talking,
so I'll play it and then Italk. I had logos made,
and then you'll see me talking andI'll do like in between breaks, I'm
like, hey, you know,was talking to my chicken the other day
and I asked my chicken, what'syour favorite composer? And he went ma
(06:24):
ma, And then I go,now, here's Kronomski's number three, and
I'll go and nobody like, youknow how you get like sign and stuff,
Nobody likes it like I constantly Ido that. I had the Yeah
Instrumental morning show and then the Egowake up call and I got like believing
(06:46):
goals and I do like the wordof the day or hey, twenty twenty
percent of men do this faccess,let us know what you think. And
then after I go, okay,so they answer it. Twenty percent of
man, you know, fall asleepwhile watching baseball brew like I do.
Oh my gosh, chess with themono songs that I have. Yeah,
well, these AI tools are Imean, they change everything incredible. Yeah,
(07:10):
absolutely incredible. Yep. Oh sorrysorry no, folks. By the
way, if you're just joining,we're talking with John heffern who I think
is just one of the very verybest comedians and he's playing tonight tomorrow night
and Saturday night it Comedy Works Southat the Landmarking buy tickets at comedyworks dot
com. Thanks to the generosity ofmel, I might even have a pair
(07:30):
of tickets to give away a littlebit later. But comedyworks dot com tonight
at seven thirty Friday and Saturday sevenfifteen and nine forty five. You got
another one for me. So okay, my grandkids came over. Yeah,
and I wrote a song for them. These are all the pictures. Yeah,
(08:01):
and John's started bouncing in his toursand big playing it. Oh that's
cool, and then you've got pictureswith it. But I also have I
argue with my wife through songs now, so I'll write a song literally that's
kind of an argument, and I'lljust send it to her because I think
you like do you like things getare less harsher? Does she respond with
(08:22):
a song? No, she doesn'tknow how to do it. But I
center I wrote a full song aboutyou can read the gas gauge. Also,
it was kind of it was kindof the theme that I'm not it's
it's uh. And then the songgoes and you can pick what style like
the song, So I went Iwent like nineties, like limp biscuit or
(08:46):
or you know, there's that style. One is kind of like sing rap
and it's a little edgy. Okay, just about how it goes from ft
and that's how you know, andthe engine light comes on, then it's
time to go. You go tothe gas station, take out your car,
do you feel it up? Andthen this right? So I don't
have to make it, so Isend. It's very passive aggressive. Oh
that is beautiful. I know.I should put literally a playlist together.
(09:07):
I've just like I did one abouttaking clothes upstairs. It was, but
I did it in like a motownAretha Frankliny type, sassy dude. There's
serious money in this. Like youmake the cameo. Everybody's got these same
situation. I do these things aboutcameos and it's a bit of panhandling,
But cameos is the service where isif somebody's birthday, anniversary or whatever,
(09:31):
you do it and you paid afew bucks. But now that I have
these songs, like my cameos areten minutes long, and I get info
about the people and I give themtwo songs that I create. Everybody wants
their own theme songs. Sure,how much do you charge for a camera?
I feel bad doing it because Ijust don't like taking money from people.
(09:52):
But I got bills. But Igot bills and I sit home,
so it's like a hundred bucks orso it's less. It's like eighty nine
bucks. Sometimes I make it higherbecause they take me hours to do.
Yeah, so when I was likethirty five bucks, I'm like, I'm
making two dollars an hour, SoI bumped it. But you know,
people go like it's a good weddingevers, it's John heffern On camera.
(10:15):
Yeah. Well, I guess there'sprobably a lot of elasticity of demand there,
Like you can double your price andyou probably won't get fewer people asking
for them. That's that's why.Yeah, But I'm not you know,
I'm not going to get rich offof it. No, it's his fun
money. I'll buy like a littleslingshot or a putter with it. My
wife doesn't know about. So youstill live in Michigan. Still live in
Michigan. So my old farmhouse,do you think you're going to stay there?
(10:37):
Don't know. My I've joked allmy farmhouse a lot, but I'm
just we have stairs that go upstairsobviously, but the stairs identify as a
ladder basically right, they are straight. I'll ab duel straight up and even
at fifty four, like carrying clothesor you know, a laundry basket up
(10:58):
there, you slip. You nevercan. You can't go unless your calves
are amazingly strong. You're gonna fall, but you don't fall hard. Then
you're like a little kid using yourbear crawling up there. But going down,
you say, And there's always animalsin the wall, and we have
well walked like I'm ready for It'sfunny how you go through life and you
just want a bunch of stuff,and you want to get a bigger house.
(11:22):
And I want like seven I don'tknow feet, but seven hundred squirret
foot condo, like a condo whereI could call somebody and go my water's
ripping, my water smouse. Ichanged the field. You don't need a
big space, not anymore anymore.I'm sick of it. Yeah, I
realized a big space just means Ican't find my reading glasses or my headphone.
(11:45):
Here's my problem. I want awhole room. Move last time I
was here, Yeah, moving right? And we so we're in a rental
house. We bought another house andwe're gonna fix it up before we can
move into it. But I wantand I will have a big room that
will have be kind of my radiostudio kind of thing if I have to
work from home and record commercials andstuff. But the main thing is it's
gonna be the room where I listento music, and it's gonna be specifically
(12:09):
designed the dimensions, the ceiling height, all this stuff for my stereo.
And so that's why I couldn't doit it's seven hundred square foot condo because
I need a music room, butyou don't have a specific watch. I
have a podcast room that I don'tpodcast from. I have a record I've
I've been wanting a music room.Yeah, because I found in my garage.
(12:30):
I probably have because I used todo radio. So I probably have
ten thousand CDs. All they allhave slits through the side. She's in
promotional, but I have every Ihave all of the nineties literally in So
you did music radio, we did. Yeah, we were top adult,
top forty well whatever that is.So it wasn't even heavy, you know,
(12:52):
there was no really too much dance, you know, it was all
Cludian Blowfish Bringing, Dion Hansen,Dishwala, Connie Blue Call. You know
like that area. Your final albumstoo, are just CDs. I have
a few, but I went throughthat phase and I'm like, albums are
cool until you realize there's two songson every side, and then unless you
(13:13):
have a nice system that flips itfor you, it's not fun to listen
to. Yeah, except a seriousaudio file would never go near a turntable
that flipped it for you. Likethe more automated it is. It is,
so you get three songs unless yougo the older instrumental or jat like
uh that had like Knocking Cold somehowhad five songs on it because each song
(13:37):
was a minute forty You know,you have one launch it's just two.
I like the album covers, butjust actually listening to it, it's just
too much unless there are ones thatplay both sides or if you know,
like I said, it flips it. You mentioned something in passing when you
were talking about some of the issueswith an old farmhouse, and it reminded
me a question of a question thatI wanted to ask you, and then
(13:58):
I something to tell. Okay,it's all right, go ahead and tell
me first, because the building foryour new house are working on it.
Yeah, I have to say.My buddy is building a new house.
Just tore down his house completely,left about four foot of wood, so
that way it's considered a remodel andnot a new built. But the whole
house is gone except for this onepiece of board that is sticking out of
(14:22):
the ground. It's you just findways the bypass rules, right. But
no, what he put in theand he I don't think he invented this,
but I've never seen this ever.My step kids they have washroom dryers
on their second floor. Like that'sa new thing. So you don't have
to work, you don't have totake your bed spread all the way down
there. Oh my god. Right, So there's saying. But what he
(14:43):
did is he has a pantry,because that's the thing. I never had
a pantry as a kid. Youhad a cupboard that was higher than you
could read, and you'd open itand go, I think there's fig Newton's
in there. But now kids canwalk into basically a seven eleven where there's
a pantry of every old face,I mean as much snacks. I've seen
kids just standing there like just wait, you know, waiting to see but
(15:07):
what he is So he has apantry, making this story long, but
he has a door that leads outsidefrom the pantry. So when he goes
to Costco, he pulls up everything. It's like a loading doc. Everything
gets loaded into the pantry so they'renot running through the house. And then
you know, stocking that thing andit's like a little grog. It's not
(15:28):
like a it's a garage door that'slike rolls and then you grab the bags
and you toss them in and thenyou close it. To me, I'm
a safety nerd, so I'm like, that's one more spot somebody can break
into my house from. But heloves it. You just throw the stuff
in there and you're not you're nottraveling through the house. I've never seen
(15:50):
it in that like a house before. I absolutely love that. I think
the one thing my wife wants youcan open it up right now. You're
now you're like a food truck.People can live. They come up and
you have a whole sundry place rightbehind you. What my wife wants is
a three hundred and sixty degree seethrough gas fireplace in the middle of the
(16:12):
living rooms on both sides and youcan, and she wants to like build
a bench around it so you cansit right around it. And the cheapest
one I could find, which welike a little bit but not a lot,
is nine grand. The first onethat I found that she likes a
lot is twenty nine grand. I'mlike, dude, probably your guys forever
(16:34):
home. Like, I don't know, I don't know if we want to
be in the suburbs. You know, we live right near here, and
I don't know, we might wantto move more rural, like to mountains
or desert. When I read baldeagles and I'm surrounded by hundreds of acres
and there's something to it, althoughI would recommend a ranch. Like dealing
(16:55):
with stairs, yeah is a pain, but it's funny. Like the laundry
matt on the second floor. Iremember my house growing up as a kid.
We had a close shoot. Yeah, so if you're upstairs, you'd
put your stuff in there. Butthen about two years later, then that's
when your dad would decide to unclogit. And then you'd be like,
(17:15):
that's where my favorite shirt win,that's where those towels are. Like you
just you get all these new schoolclothes because it would just get stuck and
nobody would ever even think to lookup. Oh my gosh, all right,
I got two minutes left, andso I'm gonna add other things to
ask you, but I'm gonna onlyask you the one. What's your problem
with chipmunks? My problem with chipmunksare they get in the walls and they
(17:38):
eat all my insulation and they're hardto catch. I don't because once you're
in the walls, I don't knowhow. I did try to do one
thing. I drove a little holeand pole, are you gonna hae me
for this? But I put alittle poison in that little hole. And
then my wife comes into that room. She's like, why why does this
(18:00):
room always smelled like butt? AndI'm like, oh, because there's things
dying in these walls, and yousmell them for a couple of weeks.
But so far, And then Ifinally I had two old trees that were
butted against my house, and Idid want to do this, but I
took them down. So now there'sno on way or freeway ramp to get
(18:23):
onto my roof and then get intothe house to help. And we have
an I had a problem. Say, now we have bats, so I
don't know how to deal with that. It's always swamps out. You can
never win. You can never win. You're just gonna swap out when somebody
moves out this new You know,when when we lived up in the mountains,
there were chipmunks, but well therewere also mice, and I put
(18:44):
some poison outside, and they gotinto the walls and died in the walls,
especially in this one particular area,and it's stunk, and I ended
up having to bust out the walland pull out all these little rotting mouse
carts. I just, yeah,that's why I want a condo, because
I'm just my whole life is thiscarnage. You know. I got a
death bucket my garage. It's justa death bucket. Who's in there?
(19:10):
It's for it's it's a type ropethat is rigged for the carnival to win.
Let's just say, let's just sayit's it's set up that there.
It looks like it's crossable, butthere's gonna be a little oh for chipmunks,
there's gonna be a little little tricksterpulled on where you're not gonna make
(19:32):
Yeah, and depending on how longyou can hang yeah, determined. Yeah,
I hope, I hope. Therearen't a lot of pedup people listening
to us right now, folks,John heffern is the best, the funniest,
and I talk about no animal killingin my show. Right go go
buy your tickets at Comedyworks dot com. Right now he's playing it Comedy Works
(19:53):
South at the Landmark. Okay,so it's in Greenwood Village and tonight at
seven thirty, and then Friday andSaturday you got seven to fifteen shows and
nine forty five shows. And John, it's always so good to see you.
Thanks for making time. What shesays, this is this John Heffrin
(20:18):
touched our soul. I do Ihave a song for every time I'm done
with the week of comedy club.I have a goodbye song telling the whole
city. I'll be back in thesong of a motown the Supremes. I
would like I'd like to put itinto this fine man cameo. People are
I would like to put in arequest for a song. No, I
wikay here now, this is whatI need you to do. Your wife
(20:40):
not to get the expenses. Yeah, that would be really good. I'll
do it. Don't don't buy thesea through fireplace. I'll write a song
just about that and get it toyou. Okay. I'll give you my
email when when we're doing here andhere. But here's what I want you
to do for your next argument withyour wife. I want your song style
to be reggae, A and andand see how that. Okay, yeah,
(21:03):
tell me details about things. I'llmake sure you buy the the wayfarer
Uh fireplace or the Wish fireplace tohold it in your palm. Yeah.
Yeah. Comedy Works dot Com gosee John tonight in the next couple of nights.
Yea, you have had on mymind, spent time to give me how
playing judges This song sound familiar withthe invention of AI, I probably am
(00:27):
up to writing ten twenty songs aday. So okay, let me introduce
you. This is John heffern isone of my very, very very favorite
comedians. He's probably been in studiowith me more than than anybody nice from
from Comedy Works. And he's playingComedy Works out at the Landmark. This
is Thursday, right, mel yeahah, okay, So it's playing tonight at
(00:49):
seven thirty and then Friday and Saturdaynights at seven fifteen and nine forty five.
And I think I say this everytime, but I mean it,
so I'll say it again. Johngenerally doesn't need help selling tickets, and
so I really appreciate that you takethe time to show up and hang out
because I always enjoy our visits.I appreciate you having me. It's you
(01:11):
know you don't You don't get todo radio and cities anymore, really,
so I appreciate you. Yeah wait, so wait, elaborate on that.
A lot of cities there's just nopress anymore. There's just comic clubs are
like just getting posted on your Instagrampage and then that's it. So there's
no video. I used to becauseobviously I did morning radio and then after
that I won Last Comic Standing yourstuff. I remember it just being a
(01:34):
thing where I would, you know, cry like a baby, going I'm
coming into these towns. I'm doingseven radio stations and then I have to
do a show, and then Ihave to wake up, fly home and
then do it. And then nowyou go into cities and there's like the
our door guy has a podcast?Do you want to do it? Like?
No, you know, so Iguess. So the only thing worse
(01:56):
than doing radio is not doing radio. Yeah, it's exactly, but it's
funny like yeah, you played that, well, yeah, tell us about
that? Well that was an introof some dating song I created whatever.
But now I'm obsessed with it becausewith AI, you know, you can
create any song whatever, and frommy phone, I'm not gonna boy your
listener. So that was on fourthof July. And now that I have
(02:17):
access that I can create a songalmost instantly, I go, what if
Taylor Swift sang a breakup song tothe British right, Like can I play
like you? Yeah? Yeah,yeah, ahead, play it right into
the mic where if it's online,a rod can find it and play it
to hear that. That's good.We were young and while with a spark
(02:39):
in our eyes from across the ocean. You were my first guys, but
you held me ain't tied a littletoo tight to break. I want freedom.
You just couldn't see you test notsi, but you never tax My
heart couldn't pull me down and neededfresh stars. So I wrote it down
so I knew it was my name. Second body not to say wow.
(03:02):
So that's that's Taylor Swift is asigner of the Declaration of Independence. But
it's not this, I know.I just use the prompts and what is
her voice? And then you kindof got to figure out it's breathy,
it's emotional, and then I putthat in the thing and then I,
uh, then you I mess withthe lyrics. I don't let but yeah,
And so I'm I'm constantly writing songs. So I'm a grandparent, right,
(03:25):
So I'm constantly writing song to likemy grandkids, like what so God
like? So this is my granddaughterwho is having a bad day. The
candy Darky your guy star that nightsee so then I put pictures of her
(03:46):
I made a video. Yeah.Wow yeah. So so I'll do that
with all the grandkids I have,like uh, you know, like kids
one. Some of them are twoor three, so it's very kids songy
I do it. So going backto the Taylor Swift one for a second,
do you do you tell the songgenerating thing to use Taylor Swift voice?
You can't know. You're not allowedto do. They're allowed to.
(04:10):
So so what I'll do is I'lluse chat and go explain to me Taylor's
or whatever artists and they'll go,oh, they're poppy, and they'll give
me a description. So then Iwill cut and paste that use those adjectives
and not because it'll you. Itwon't let you just steal somebody. But
that's not that's not a clone TaylorSwift that came pretty close to like you
(04:34):
know, but I do songs.I I do. I have two eagles
that are where can people find yoursongs? I don't send them to like,
you know, uh, to ourfamily members. Wow. So what
this is awesome inside baseball here,You guys can't even go on YouTube or
(04:55):
John Heffrin's web page and find thisonly here, only here on KOA.
Yeah. So what I do isis I have two eagles that live in
my front yard. So every morningif John Henley and yeah, yeah tell
this. Uh So what I dois if I walk out and I and
I see the eagles, I haveI do an Eagle morning show and I
(05:19):
have Eagle wake up called jingles thatI do with them, and it's again,
it's all a I like. I'llshow you right here. Okay,
everybody rides and shine, tune intothe vibe. It's Eagle time. Wake
up, Get on board. It'sEagle Morning Show. You'll never be bored.
We've got to two. We've gotthe news, Grab your coffee,
(05:40):
shake off those blues. It's beautifuldays. I don't delay. Eagle Radio
starts now, so don't hit thesnooze. Moving on, there's a little
trivia for you, So I woulddo like an egle uh and who do
you share that with? I?That one I'll post. Yeah, okay.
Then I have currently going a fakemorning show of a classical radio station
(06:01):
that always baffles me, that classicalradio station in BEETHOVEA. You were talking,
so I'll play it and then Italk. I had logos made,
and then you'll see me talking andI'll do like in between breaks, I'm
like, hey, you know,was talking to my chicken the other day
and I asked my chicken, what'syour favorite composer? And he went ma
(06:24):
ma, And then I go,now, here's Kronomski's number three, and
I'll go and nobody like, youknow how you get like sign and stuff,
Nobody likes it like I constantly Ido that. I had the Yeah
Instrumental morning show and then the Egowake up call and I got like believing
(06:46):
goals and I do like the wordof the day or hey, twenty twenty
percent of men do this faccess,let us know what you think. And
then after I go, okay,so they answer it. Twenty percent of
man, you know, fall asleepwhile watching baseball brew like I do.
Oh my gosh, chess with themono songs that I have. Yeah,
well, these AI tools are Imean, they change everything incredible. Yeah,
(07:10):
absolutely incredible. Yep. Oh sorrysorry no, folks. By the
way, if you're just joining,we're talking with John heffern who I think
is just one of the very verybest comedians and he's playing tonight tomorrow night
and Saturday night it Comedy Works Southat the Landmarking buy tickets at comedyworks dot
com. Thanks to the generosity ofmel, I might even have a pair
(07:30):
of tickets to give away a littlebit later. But comedyworks dot com tonight
at seven thirty Friday and Saturday sevenfifteen and nine forty five. You got
another one for me. So okay, my grandkids came over. Yeah,
and I wrote a song for them. These are all the pictures. Yeah,
(08:01):
and John's started bouncing in his toursand big playing it. Oh that's
cool, and then you've got pictureswith it. But I also have I
argue with my wife through songs now, so I'll write a song literally that's
kind of an argument, and I'lljust send it to her because I think
you like do you like things getare less harsher? Does she respond with
(08:22):
a song? No, she doesn'tknow how to do it. But I
center I wrote a full song aboutyou can read the gas gauge. Also,
it was kind of it was kindof the theme that I'm not it's
it's uh. And then the songgoes and you can pick what style like
the song, So I went Iwent like nineties, like limp biscuit or
(08:46):
or you know, there's that style. One is kind of like sing rap
and it's a little edgy. Okay, just about how it goes from ft
and that's how you know, andthe engine light comes on, then it's
time to go. You go tothe gas station, take out your car,
do you feel it up? Andthen this right? So I don't
have to make it, so Isend. It's very passive aggressive. Oh
that is beautiful. I know.I should put literally a playlist together.
(09:07):
I've just like I did one abouttaking clothes upstairs. It was, but
I did it in like a motownAretha Frankliny type, sassy dude. There's
serious money in this. Like youmake the cameo. Everybody's got these same
situation. I do these things aboutcameos and it's a bit of panhandling,
But cameos is the service where isif somebody's birthday, anniversary or whatever,
(09:31):
you do it and you paid afew bucks. But now that I have
these songs, like my cameos areten minutes long, and I get info
about the people and I give themtwo songs that I create. Everybody wants
their own theme songs. Sure,how much do you charge for a camera?
I feel bad doing it because Ijust don't like taking money from people.
(09:52):
But I got bills. But Igot bills and I sit home,
so it's like a hundred bucks orso it's less. It's like eighty nine
bucks. Sometimes I make it higherbecause they take me hours to do.
Yeah, so when I was likethirty five bucks, I'm like, I'm
making two dollars an hour, SoI bumped it. But you know,
people go like it's a good weddingevers, it's John heffern On camera.
(10:15):
Yeah. Well, I guess there'sprobably a lot of elasticity of demand there,
Like you can double your price andyou probably won't get fewer people asking
for them. That's that's why.Yeah, But I'm not you know,
I'm not going to get rich offof it. No, it's his fun
money. I'll buy like a littleslingshot or a putter with it. My
wife doesn't know about. So youstill live in Michigan. Still live in
Michigan. So my old farmhouse,do you think you're going to stay there?
(10:37):
Don't know. My I've joked allmy farmhouse a lot, but I'm
just we have stairs that go upstairsobviously, but the stairs identify as a
ladder basically right, they are straight. I'll ab duel straight up and even
at fifty four, like carrying clothesor you know, a laundry basket up
(10:58):
there, you slip. You nevercan. You can't go unless your calves
are amazingly strong. You're gonna fall, but you don't fall hard. Then
you're like a little kid using yourbear crawling up there. But going down,
you say, And there's always animalsin the wall, and we have
well walked like I'm ready for It'sfunny how you go through life and you
just want a bunch of stuff,and you want to get a bigger house.
(11:22):
And I want like seven I don'tknow feet, but seven hundred squirret
foot condo, like a condo whereI could call somebody and go my water's
ripping, my water smouse. Ichanged the field. You don't need a
big space, not anymore anymore.I'm sick of it. Yeah, I
realized a big space just means Ican't find my reading glasses or my headphone.
(11:45):
Here's my problem. I want awhole room. Move last time I
was here, Yeah, moving right? And we so we're in a rental
house. We bought another house andwe're gonna fix it up before we can
move into it. But I wantand I will have a big room that
will have be kind of my radiostudio kind of thing if I have to
work from home and record commercials andstuff. But the main thing is it's
gonna be the room where I listento music, and it's gonna be specifically
(12:09):
designed the dimensions, the ceiling height, all this stuff for my stereo.
And so that's why I couldn't doit it's seven hundred square foot condo because
I need a music room, butyou don't have a specific watch. I
have a podcast room that I don'tpodcast from. I have a record I've
I've been wanting a music room.Yeah, because I found in my garage.
(12:30):
I probably have because I used todo radio. So I probably have
ten thousand CDs. All they allhave slits through the side. She's in
promotional, but I have every Ihave all of the nineties literally in So
you did music radio, we did. Yeah, we were top adult,
top forty well whatever that is.So it wasn't even heavy, you know,
(12:52):
there was no really too much dance, you know, it was all
Cludian Blowfish Bringing, Dion Hansen,Dishwala, Connie Blue Call. You know
like that area. Your final albumstoo, are just CDs. I have
a few, but I went throughthat phase and I'm like, albums are
cool until you realize there's two songson every side, and then unless you
(13:13):
have a nice system that flips itfor you, it's not fun to listen
to. Yeah, except a seriousaudio file would never go near a turntable
that flipped it for you. Likethe more automated it is. It is,
so you get three songs unless yougo the older instrumental or jat like
uh that had like Knocking Cold somehowhad five songs on it because each song
(13:37):
was a minute forty You know,you have one launch it's just two.
I like the album covers, butjust actually listening to it, it's just
too much unless there are ones thatplay both sides or if you know,
like I said, it flips it. You mentioned something in passing when you
were talking about some of the issueswith an old farmhouse, and it reminded
me a question of a question thatI wanted to ask you, and then
(13:58):
I something to tell. Okay,it's all right, go ahead and tell
me first, because the building foryour new house are working on it.
Yeah, I have to say.My buddy is building a new house.
Just tore down his house completely,left about four foot of wood, so
that way it's considered a remodel andnot a new built. But the whole
house is gone except for this onepiece of board that is sticking out of
(14:22):
the ground. It's you just findways the bypass rules, right. But
no, what he put in theand he I don't think he invented this,
but I've never seen this ever.My step kids they have washroom dryers
on their second floor. Like that'sa new thing. So you don't have
to work, you don't have totake your bed spread all the way down
there. Oh my god. Right, So there's saying. But what he
(14:43):
did is he has a pantry,because that's the thing. I never had
a pantry as a kid. Youhad a cupboard that was higher than you
could read, and you'd open itand go, I think there's fig Newton's
in there. But now kids canwalk into basically a seven eleven where there's
a pantry of every old face,I mean as much snacks. I've seen
kids just standing there like just wait, you know, waiting to see but
(15:07):
what he is So he has apantry, making this story long, but
he has a door that leads outsidefrom the pantry. So when he goes
to Costco, he pulls up everything. It's like a loading doc. Everything
gets loaded into the pantry so they'renot running through the house. And then
you know, stocking that thing andit's like a little grog. It's not
(15:28):
like a it's a garage door that'slike rolls and then you grab the bags
and you toss them in and thenyou close it. To me, I'm
a safety nerd, so I'm like, that's one more spot somebody can break
into my house from. But heloves it. You just throw the stuff
in there and you're not you're nottraveling through the house. I've never seen
(15:50):
it in that like a house before. I absolutely love that. I think
the one thing my wife wants youcan open it up right now. You're
now you're like a food truck.People can live. They come up and
you have a whole sundry place rightbehind you. What my wife wants is
a three hundred and sixty degree seethrough gas fireplace in the middle of the
(16:12):
living rooms on both sides and youcan, and she wants to like build
a bench around it so you cansit right around it. And the cheapest
one I could find, which welike a little bit but not a lot,
is nine grand. The first onethat I found that she likes a
lot is twenty nine grand. I'mlike, dude, probably your guys forever
(16:34):
home. Like, I don't know, I don't know if we want to
be in the suburbs. You know, we live right near here, and
I don't know, we might wantto move more rural, like to mountains
or desert. When I read baldeagles and I'm surrounded by hundreds of acres
and there's something to it, althoughI would recommend a ranch. Like dealing
(16:55):
with stairs, yeah is a pain, but it's funny. Like the laundry
matt on the second floor. Iremember my house growing up as a kid.
We had a close shoot. Yeah, so if you're upstairs, you'd
put your stuff in there. Butthen about two years later, then that's
when your dad would decide to unclogit. And then you'd be like,
(17:15):
that's where my favorite shirt win,that's where those towels are. Like you
just you get all these new schoolclothes because it would just get stuck and
nobody would ever even think to lookup. Oh my gosh, all right,
I got two minutes left, andso I'm gonna add other things to
ask you, but I'm gonna onlyask you the one. What's your problem
with chipmunks? My problem with chipmunksare they get in the walls and they
(17:38):
eat all my insulation and they're hardto catch. I don't because once you're
in the walls, I don't knowhow. I did try to do one
thing. I drove a little holeand pole, are you gonna hae me
for this? But I put alittle poison in that little hole. And
then my wife comes into that room. She's like, why why does this
(18:00):
room always smelled like butt? AndI'm like, oh, because there's things
dying in these walls, and yousmell them for a couple of weeks.
But so far, And then Ifinally I had two old trees that were
butted against my house, and Idid want to do this, but I
took them down. So now there'sno on way or freeway ramp to get
(18:23):
onto my roof and then get intothe house to help. And we have
an I had a problem. Say, now we have bats, so I
don't know how to deal with that. It's always swamps out. You can
never win. You can never win. You're just gonna swap out when somebody
moves out this new You know,when when we lived up in the mountains,
there were chipmunks, but well therewere also mice, and I put
(18:44):
some poison outside, and they gotinto the walls and died in the walls,
especially in this one particular area,and it's stunk, and I ended
up having to bust out the walland pull out all these little rotting mouse
carts. I just, yeah,that's why I want a condo, because
I'm just my whole life is thiscarnage. You know. I got a
death bucket my garage. It's justa death bucket. Who's in there?
(19:10):
It's for it's it's a type ropethat is rigged for the carnival to win.
Let's just say, let's just sayit's it's set up that there.
It looks like it's crossable, butthere's gonna be a little oh for chipmunks,
there's gonna be a little little tricksterpulled on where you're not gonna make
(19:32):
Yeah, and depending on how longyou can hang yeah, determined. Yeah,
I hope, I hope. Therearen't a lot of pedup people listening
to us right now, folks,John heffern is the best, the funniest,
and I talk about no animal killingin my show. Right go go
buy your tickets at Comedyworks dot com. Right now he's playing it Comedy Works
(19:53):
South at the Landmark. Okay,so it's in Greenwood Village and tonight at
seven thirty, and then Friday andSaturday you got seven to fifteen shows and
nine forty five shows. And John, it's always so good to see you.
Thanks for making time. What shesays, this is this John Heffrin
(20:18):
touched our soul. I do Ihave a song for every time I'm done
with the week of comedy club.I have a goodbye song telling the whole
city. I'll be back in thesong of a motown the Supremes. I
would like I'd like to put itinto this fine man cameo. People are
I would like to put in arequest for a song. No, I
wikay here now, this is whatI need you to do. Your wife
(20:40):
not to get the expenses. Yeah, that would be really good. I'll
do it. Don't don't buy thesea through fireplace. I'll write a song
just about that and get it toyou. Okay. I'll give you my
email when when we're doing here andhere. But here's what I want you
to do for your next argument withyour wife. I want your song style
to be reggae, A and andand see how that. Okay, yeah,
(21:03):
tell me details about things. I'llmake sure you buy the the wayfarer
Uh fireplace or the Wish fireplace tohold it in your palm. Yeah.
Yeah. Comedy Works dot Com gosee John tonight in the next couple of nights.
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