January 30, 2026 • 19 mins
Chelsea and Catherine get an update about a husband’s sexting ways, and a 20-something wants a baby… but is she ready?
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, guys, the High and Mighty Tour is about to begin.
I'm coming to Washington, d c Norfolk, Virginia, Atlantic City,
which I just added, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Detroit, Michigan, Cleveland, Columbus,
and Cincinnati, Ohio, Denver, Colorado, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Springfield, Massachusetts, Chicago,
(00:21):
of course, Indianapolis, Indiana, Louisville, Kentucky, Albuquerque, Masa, Arizona, Kansas City, Missouri,
Saint Louis, Missouri, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Nashville, Tennessee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Durham,
North Carolina. May sixth, I'm doing Netflix as a Joke Festival.
I will be in Los Angeles, that is a new announcement, Saratoga, California, Monterey, California, Modesto, California,
(00:47):
and port Chester, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington.
I will be touring from February through June. Go to
Chelsea Handler dot com for tickets If you want to
come see me perform. I will be on the High
and Mighty Tour.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Hi Catherine, Hi, Chelsea. How are you today?
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Are you? Oh? God?
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (01:10):
Good?
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Oh good. Good, Are you still on pelvic floor rest?
Speaker 4 (01:14):
I am hopefully going to be over that soon. We'll
be able to have penetration. That's a good that's.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
A good way to get away from Somebody'd be.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Like, right, I was sorry, the doctor said.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
One night, Stan, You're like, you know what, At the
very last minute, right when you're walking up to someone's
hotel room, You're like, you know what, Actually, I'm on
pelvic ress.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
You know what?
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Sorry? Well, I do have an update.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
This is another like long term update like we had
last time, but this is from Jay who called in
on our justin long episode from a million years ago.
But she was wondering if sexting is cheating. Her husband
had been sexting someone she caught him.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Our advice was.
Speaker 4 (01:50):
Kind of like, since he was really apologetic and open
to counseling, to give it another try. So she says, Hi, Catherine,
I wanted to send an update. I went back through
my emails to see how long ago this happened. Well,
I should have left him back then. I forgave him
and put my trust back in him. This time he
cheated on me for real with one of my coworkers,
(02:11):
gross And she knew I was married. Her boyfriend saw
her messages and thank god sent me screenshots through Facebook.
I'm trying to divorce, but my state makes you wait
one year. I've been separated in the same house for
three months and he still tries to fight for me,
but I'm not interested.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Thank you for the advice back then.
Speaker 4 (02:28):
Not sure you'll get this, but just wanted to use
as a cautionary tale for others if you wanted.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Thanks again, Jay.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
So, what was the advice that I gave her to
get rid of him?
Speaker 4 (02:37):
No, we said, like, give him another chance because he
was really apologetic. I'll go to counts like I'm so sorry,
and he failed her.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Yeah, there's nothing really good that comes from that. You know,
if somebody's like sneaking around doing anything, it's going to
lead to more things. It's like, you know, even if yeah,
and some people are just like good at really being
a liar, you know, they just want to lie and
manipulate people like they're just a bad seed. Which is
hard to kind of think about because when you're intimate
(03:05):
or and you're in a relationship with or you know,
a marriage, you're like, oh no, you blame yourself a
lot because you're like, how did I not see all
those warning signs? But it's pretty obvious when someone lies.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
Yeah, and it's kind of like you have to weigh
did they fuck up one time or is it like
an habitual thing, Especially with the sex thing. I think
people can get really addicted to, like the dopamine hit
of like getting responses from somebody.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Yeah, And I also think it's fair to give somebody
a second chance. If somebody if they fuck up, if
they fuck up like in a minor way, it's like, hey,
I'm not cool with this, But when they fuck up
in a major way, then it's kind of like, well,
now you have like two red flags. So yeah, you
have your answer. Yeah, so good for you for staying strong.
You're gonna find another guy very shortly. There's yeah, they're everywhere.
Speaker 4 (03:49):
There is joy around the corner. I think we're ready
for our caller. This is Jane, who's calling in aid?
Jane Jane, Yeah, like nineteen fifties Jane. So her subject
was unplanned pregnancy, not sure who the father was, She says,
(04:10):
Dear Chelsea, I've always resonated to your bluntness and lack
of respect for straight men. I'm twenty nine, and I've
always known I want to be a mom. However, I
have PTSD from sexual trauma at the hands of both
men I trusted and men I didn't know. This has
made it nearly impossible for me to have a serious,
long term relationship with a man. I'd much rather be
alone than let one live in my space and tell
(04:31):
me what to do. I recently went on a little
bit of a bender and slept with three different men
in one weekend. I was ovulating and acting like a
fuck boy. My therapist says it's to feel in control
again and a normal trauma reaction, but I feel bad
for lying to all of them. My period was late
and I took a test and it was positive. I
grew up Catholic, so I knew my family would not
be thrilled about this news. For context, I had an
(04:52):
abortion a year ago and it clarified the fact that
I do want kids. At the time, I didn't have
a stable job. I have a good job now with
good insurance, but I don't make a ton of money.
I wanted to keep the baby, but my mom and
sister specifically would probably have had to help me a lot,
and I don't know if that's fair. After talking with
them about how I wanted to keep the baby, they
pressured me to end the pregnancy and I did. I know,
(05:13):
my very religious mom is ashamed of me, and I'm
not sure how to repair my relationship with her. Any
help would be appreciated.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Jane, Hi, Jane, how are you good?
Speaker 3 (05:22):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Nice to meet you. Okay, so what's the status with
you and your mom? Your mom's was set with you
for getting pregnant or for getting the abortion.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Both, it would seem. So I don't know like where
we go from here, because I had multiple conversations with
her where I was like, I don't want to do
this without you, like I'm not going to involve the father,
so you would have to be a big part of
me in this baby's life. And she told me I
(05:54):
can't do that for you. I can't be there for
you in the way that you need, which broke my heart,
and I made the decision Okay, I'm not gonna I
don't want to do this alone. It's really hard to
be a single mom. Not that I couldn't have done it,
but I chose not to. Now I'm feeling like isolated
for my family because all of this vulnerable stuff happened.
(06:16):
But then I'm also like isolated socially because I can't
like date successfully. So I'm just kind of in a pickle.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
What do you mean you can't date successfully? Why do
you say that?
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Like, I have so much PTSD that normally it just
turns out to be more like a vender, like what
happened in September, where like I kind of go crazy
for a weekend and like sleep around a bunch and
it's fun and I have fun. But then I'm like, Okay,
it would be cool if I had someone I could trust,
and also it would be cool if I met someone
(06:49):
I could raise a kid with. But I feel like
I'm giving up on that. And that's what my parents
were saying to me, is like, we feel like you're
giving up, and that's what made me decide to get
the abortion. But yeah, I'm twenty.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Nine, So okay, Well, first of all, you're twenty nine.
You have your entire life ahead of you. That's nothing,
So don't worry about that number. Okay, are you working
with a therapist right now?
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Okay, so you're working through all that stuff. So for you,
like for any other regular person who's just going out
and doing that randomly or occasionally, that's okay. But if
it's a result of what the trauma that you endure,
then that is a separate issue, right yeah, because you're
acting out and you're doing this for the reasons. So
I think your transparency is really like great, a that
(07:33):
you're working with a therapist, that you were honest with
your family. It's not your mom's responsibility to raise a
child with you. It's an unfair ask, you know what
I mean. She's not your partner. She already raised you,
she raised your siblings, like it's just not fair. So
I understand that you were disappointed in that reaction, but
you have to get yourself into a position a where
you're with someone that you're ready to have a baby
(07:55):
with and then that's going to be your partner. And
when that does happen, and you showed the kind of
a mature and growth that you're going to be experiencing,
like from this phone call on and through your therapy
and on, you're going to mend the relationship with your
mom and your family members and everything. They just need
to see that you're making changes in the right direction,
going out, having sex with three gunys, getting pregnant, and
(08:16):
then asking your mom to raise the baby doesn't give
people a view of oh, this girl's getting her shit together.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Yeah I know I and I can see their perspective.
And I did, like finally just get a real, real
job with like benefits and everything. So I think I
am kind of addicted to the chaos, maybe a little bit.
And that's what my therapist is working with me on.
It's just I feel like, what if I never find
(08:44):
I don't see a world where i'll ever like trust
someone and want to Like.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
You will, you will, absolutely willitizecause nothing is permanent. Your
feelings right now are not permanent. They're just temporary and
it's a result of something. So like, you're in a situation.
This is a great like growth edge for you. You're
in a situation where you can like actually decide, Okay,
this is not how I want to behave anymore. I
want to move forward. You know what you want, you
(09:08):
want a partner, you want to have a baby, move
forward with those things in mind. Having vendors with a
bunch of random guys every weekend isn't getting you what
you want. That's like a band aid that ends up
hurting more in the long run, right, Like, that's not
how you want to have a baby. So if you
really are looking like, don't say I'm never gonna. I'm
never gonna. You're twenty nine years old. You don't know
what you're gonna do. You're gonna have a lot of experiences,
(09:30):
and you're gonna fall in love with people, and you're
gonna have like all of those opportunities as long as
you just make sure that's what you want to do
and say to yourself like with intention, like that's that's
what I'm doing now. And also there's no harm in like,
you know, I don't like, I'm not a big fan
of declaring victory prematurely when you feel like you've gotten
over a situation or you're feeling like you're kind of
(09:51):
like blooming into a new person, so to speak. But
like it's important to take that be patient with your
family and in a few weeks time or whatever seems
like an appropriate amount of time for you. I don't
know how often you hang out with your family, are
with them, but just give them positive updates about the
work and progress that you're making. You know, about your job,
(10:13):
it's not all about men, it's not all about the baby.
It should just be multi dimensional, all the facets of
your life, your friendships, this is what you're working on,
this is what you're working on with your therapist. You
don't have to get into detail, but just give them
little updates to let them know that you are like
working towards becoming a more reliable, responsible adult who's ready
(10:34):
for a big responsibility.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
Yeah, and I think that that is really good advice
because sometimes I feel like, what can we talk about though,
because there's a lot of like trauma in my past,
and my job is kind of boring, and so sometimes
I feel like there's only like a handful of topics
that I can talk to my family about. But you're right,
(10:57):
probably just talking about my goals and things that I
am accomplishing would be better than.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
And books that you're reading. You read a book, like
a self help book that really made you understand or
reminded you of your dynamic with your parents, like all
positive things, you know what I mean. Don't bring them
into the trauma since it's already exposed and everyone knows
about it. It's about you, like working to get out
of it and working to heal yourself, and that's your priority.
(11:25):
Your priority isn't your family, your priorities, yourself, but like
you know, your mental health and just sharing with them
in a way that doesn't require them to carry any
more of a burden in their minds, you know what
I mean. Or responsibility I think is a better choice
of words.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
I definitely wish I could go back in time and
just not tell anybody in my family about any of
the trauma or the pregnancies.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Of course I know, but you know what, that's okay.
You did and they deserve to know because they're your
family and they want to know. It's just about it's
not what happens, it's how you handle what happens, you know,
I mean, listen, it is what happens, but it's very
much more how you handle coming out of that and
what you do to heal after that. So I don't
(12:08):
have any doubt that you're on your You're on your road.
You're just in a vulnerable spot right now, and you're
feeling vulnerable, you know, and you're feeling alone, and I
get it. But this you have the ability to repair
all of these relationships and make them grow and turn
into the woman that you really like want to become
and find the partner that you want.
Speaker 4 (12:26):
Yeah, Like I know, right now it feels like the
trauma is so looms so large in your life and
that like that's your whole life. But as you keep
working with your therapist and you get some distance and
some perspective, like it will it will shrink as far
as like how much space it takes up in your life.
I also wanted to ask, not from a procreation standpoint,
(12:46):
but just from a like a mood management perspective, are
you on birth control at all or no?
Speaker 3 (12:52):
No? And this is like been a thing for me.
I have tried so many different touch and just suck yes,
and they have made me so depressed. I tried the
copper IUD when I was in college, and I've never
had more painful periods. And then I tried to get
the like least hormonal IUD yes, the Marina I think,
(13:15):
and it was horrible. There was like a it was
a doctor learning how to be a gynecologist and they
couldn't get it in and so I just told them
to stop.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Which is great for someone who already has sexual trauma.
Good job.
Speaker 4 (13:29):
Yeah, but when we're on natural we have these like
highs and lows with our hormones, right, and like when
we're ovulating, we feel the most powerful, we get the
most done, we feel amazing. But then it can also
lead to like you know, going out and partying a
little bit too much and sort of you know, having
to face the consequences of that. Whereas when you are
on birth control it gives you a little bit less
of a high low. So you may talk to your
(13:50):
doctor and see if there is a pill that could
help just sort of like smooth the edges of that.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Yeah, I know, I think that if I could find
a good option for me, that would be great, especially
because you know, I'm not going to be celibate, so
I don't want to have a repeat of this situation
next time.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
I obulate, do you have a female female doctor gynecologist?
Speaker 3 (14:13):
No, well I don't have a gynecologist.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Okay, Well do you have health insurance?
Speaker 3 (14:18):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Okay, We'll try and find a female gynecologist and she's
going to be much more adept at getting things inside
you and also giving you the options of what's like
what a good option for you is. I mean, there's
a million things out there. I'm sure there's going to
be something that's going to get along with your system.
I mean everyone needs it, So.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
That's good advice to talk about positive things, get on
birth control. I think it's just hard because, like like
you were saying, Catherine, like it's so daunting, Like I
feel okay, you know, like day to day, but like
big picture, am I ever going to be able? Like
I don't know. I just got a text from like
a witness protection person that the guy who assaulted me
(14:59):
is and be out of prison in a week, and
so tough. I don't have anybody really in this town.
My family's not here, so it's just like I wish
I could talk to my mom and my sister about
this stuff, but like it's too taboo. It's like that's frustrating.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Why is it too taboo? Like what is their reaction
to that subject matter?
Speaker 3 (15:18):
They basically tell me not to talk about it, like
don't bring it up kind of stuff, which is fine,
Like I have friends and a therapist. It's just my
sister is very she's turned to God.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
And so now she's like doesn't he want to hear
she doesn't want to.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
Talk about abortion and like sexual assault is like she
can't handle talking about it.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
So you know what, I think, in addition to your therapist,
to see if there is like a group in your
town that is, like a sexual assault survivors group, that
might be really helpful. So you have another outlet that
you can talk to people who've experienced the same thing,
which you know maybe your therapist hasn't. That might be
a good way to, like, and you can talk about
this like I can't talk about this with my family,
you know how your family is reacting, and like really
(16:01):
get into it.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
Yeah, that would just feel validating.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
I think, especially with.
Speaker 4 (16:06):
The freshness of like knowing this person is out, you
know that it might be good to like step up
your self care in that.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
I think that's a great idea because you're going to
find out you're not the only person whose family isn't
always available for these kinds of conversations.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
Yeah, and I don't want them. I don't want to
keep traumatizing them.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Yeah, right, I hear you. I hear you.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Well, will you follow up with us in a little.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
Bit, Yeah, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
All right, thanks for calling in. We wish you the
best of luck.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Nice to meet you you too, Chelsea. I'm seeing you
in February in Madison.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Oh yeah, great, I'll be there Madison, Wisconsin. I'm coming here. Okay,
take care, keep us pote Okay, bye, guys.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Iye, what a sweetheart. Well, I mean, it's like a
heavy topic, but.
Speaker 4 (16:52):
I'm glad that this is a resource where people can
come and talk about, you know, some of the not
so fun parts of life, some of the worst parts
of life.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Families are so fucked up, truly.
Speaker 4 (17:02):
Truly, and even the ones that mean well don't always
know what to say, you know.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
I like them when people don't know what to say.
I like when people say it is what it is?
Speaker 2 (17:10):
What does that mean?
Speaker 1 (17:11):
It is what it is? Is there anything more stupid
than that sentence?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Maybe like that it was meant to be? Or you
know what I mean when people are.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Like, oh, it's not that they say, I'm like, well, God,
is what it is? It's like, what is it? It's
not good enough?
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Should it be good enough? I'm not agree.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Okay, anyway, Catherine, I hope you have a wonderful, productive day. Okay,
thank you God, God bless America. Fine, okay, guys, the
High and Mighty Tour is about to begin. I'm in
DC February thirteenth. February fourteenth, Atlantic city which I just
added fifteenth is Norfolk, Virginia. February nineteenth Madison, Wisconsin. February
twentieth is Milwaukee, Wisconsin. February twenty first Detroit, Michigan. February
(17:52):
twenty second, Rama, Ontario. That's Canada for those of you
who don't speak Canadia. March thirteenth, Cleveland, oh Ohio. March
fourteenth Columbus, Ohio. March fifteenth, Cincinnati, Ohio. And then March
twentieth is Denver, Colorado. March twenty seventh Portland, Maine. March
twenty eighth, Providence, Rhode Island. March twenty ninth, Springfield, Massachusetts.
(18:16):
April tenth is Chicago. I'll be at the Chicago Theater.
April eleventh Indianapolis, Indiana. April twelfth Louisville, Kentucky. April sixteenth
is Albuquerque, New Mexico. April seventeenth is Mesa, Arizona. April
twenty third is Kansas City, Missouri. April twenty fourth is
Saint Louis, Missouri. April twenty fifth is Minneapolis, Minnesota. April
(18:39):
thirtieth Nashville Tennessee. May first is Charlotte, North Carolina. May
second is Durham, North Carolina. May sixth, I'm doing Netflix
as a joke festival. I will be in Los Angeles.
That is a new announcement. And May fifteenth Saratoga, California.
May sixteenth Monterey, California. May seventeenth Modesto, California. And then
(19:01):
June fourth Portchester, New York. June fifth is Boston, mass
And June twelfth is Portland, Oregon. And then Seattle is
June thirteenth, So suck on that, everybody. Go to Chelseahandler
dot com for tickets.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Do you want advice from Chelsea?
Speaker 4 (19:17):
Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. Find
full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching
at Dear Chelsea pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered
by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law And be sure
to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com
Okay, guys, the High and Mighty Tour is about to begin.
I'm coming to Washington, d c Norfolk, Virginia, Atlantic City,
which I just added, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Detroit, Michigan, Cleveland, Columbus,
and Cincinnati, Ohio, Denver, Colorado, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Springfield, Massachusetts, Chicago,
(00:21):
of course, Indianapolis, Indiana, Louisville, Kentucky, Albuquerque, Masa, Arizona, Kansas City, Missouri,
Saint Louis, Missouri, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Nashville, Tennessee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Durham,
North Carolina. May sixth, I'm doing Netflix as a Joke Festival.
I will be in Los Angeles, that is a new announcement, Saratoga, California, Monterey, California, Modesto, California,
(00:47):
and port Chester, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington.
I will be touring from February through June. Go to
Chelsea Handler dot com for tickets If you want to
come see me perform. I will be on the High
and Mighty Tour.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Hi Catherine, Hi, Chelsea. How are you today?
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Are you? Oh? God?
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (01:10):
Good?
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Oh good. Good, Are you still on pelvic floor rest?
Speaker 4 (01:14):
I am hopefully going to be over that soon. We'll
be able to have penetration. That's a good that's.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
A good way to get away from Somebody'd be.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Like, right, I was sorry, the doctor said.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
One night, Stan, You're like, you know what, At the
very last minute, right when you're walking up to someone's
hotel room, You're like, you know what, Actually, I'm on
pelvic ress.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
You know what?
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Sorry? Well, I do have an update.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
This is another like long term update like we had
last time, but this is from Jay who called in
on our justin long episode from a million years ago.
But she was wondering if sexting is cheating. Her husband
had been sexting someone she caught him.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Our advice was.
Speaker 4 (01:50):
Kind of like, since he was really apologetic and open
to counseling, to give it another try. So she says, Hi, Catherine,
I wanted to send an update. I went back through
my emails to see how long ago this happened. Well,
I should have left him back then. I forgave him
and put my trust back in him. This time he
cheated on me for real with one of my coworkers,
(02:11):
gross And she knew I was married. Her boyfriend saw
her messages and thank god sent me screenshots through Facebook.
I'm trying to divorce, but my state makes you wait
one year. I've been separated in the same house for
three months and he still tries to fight for me,
but I'm not interested.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Thank you for the advice back then.
Speaker 4 (02:28):
Not sure you'll get this, but just wanted to use
as a cautionary tale for others if you wanted.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Thanks again, Jay.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
So, what was the advice that I gave her to
get rid of him?
Speaker 4 (02:37):
No, we said, like, give him another chance because he
was really apologetic. I'll go to counts like I'm so sorry,
and he failed her.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Yeah, there's nothing really good that comes from that. You know,
if somebody's like sneaking around doing anything, it's going to
lead to more things. It's like, you know, even if yeah,
and some people are just like good at really being
a liar, you know, they just want to lie and
manipulate people like they're just a bad seed. Which is
hard to kind of think about because when you're intimate
(03:05):
or and you're in a relationship with or you know,
a marriage, you're like, oh no, you blame yourself a
lot because you're like, how did I not see all
those warning signs? But it's pretty obvious when someone lies.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
Yeah, and it's kind of like you have to weigh
did they fuck up one time or is it like
an habitual thing, Especially with the sex thing. I think
people can get really addicted to, like the dopamine hit
of like getting responses from somebody.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Yeah, And I also think it's fair to give somebody
a second chance. If somebody if they fuck up, if
they fuck up like in a minor way, it's like, hey,
I'm not cool with this, But when they fuck up
in a major way, then it's kind of like, well,
now you have like two red flags. So yeah, you
have your answer. Yeah, so good for you for staying strong.
You're gonna find another guy very shortly. There's yeah, they're everywhere.
Speaker 4 (03:49):
There is joy around the corner. I think we're ready
for our caller. This is Jane, who's calling in aid?
Jane Jane, Yeah, like nineteen fifties Jane. So her subject
was unplanned pregnancy, not sure who the father was, She says,
(04:10):
Dear Chelsea, I've always resonated to your bluntness and lack
of respect for straight men. I'm twenty nine, and I've
always known I want to be a mom. However, I
have PTSD from sexual trauma at the hands of both
men I trusted and men I didn't know. This has
made it nearly impossible for me to have a serious,
long term relationship with a man. I'd much rather be
alone than let one live in my space and tell
(04:31):
me what to do. I recently went on a little
bit of a bender and slept with three different men
in one weekend. I was ovulating and acting like a
fuck boy. My therapist says it's to feel in control
again and a normal trauma reaction, but I feel bad
for lying to all of them. My period was late
and I took a test and it was positive. I
grew up Catholic, so I knew my family would not
be thrilled about this news. For context, I had an
(04:52):
abortion a year ago and it clarified the fact that
I do want kids. At the time, I didn't have
a stable job. I have a good job now with
good insurance, but I don't make a ton of money.
I wanted to keep the baby, but my mom and
sister specifically would probably have had to help me a lot,
and I don't know if that's fair. After talking with
them about how I wanted to keep the baby, they
pressured me to end the pregnancy and I did. I know,
(05:13):
my very religious mom is ashamed of me, and I'm
not sure how to repair my relationship with her. Any
help would be appreciated.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Jane, Hi, Jane, how are you good?
Speaker 3 (05:22):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Nice to meet you. Okay, so what's the status with
you and your mom? Your mom's was set with you
for getting pregnant or for getting the abortion.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Both, it would seem. So I don't know like where
we go from here, because I had multiple conversations with
her where I was like, I don't want to do
this without you, like I'm not going to involve the father,
so you would have to be a big part of
me in this baby's life. And she told me I
(05:54):
can't do that for you. I can't be there for
you in the way that you need, which broke my heart,
and I made the decision Okay, I'm not gonna I
don't want to do this alone. It's really hard to
be a single mom. Not that I couldn't have done it,
but I chose not to. Now I'm feeling like isolated
for my family because all of this vulnerable stuff happened.
(06:16):
But then I'm also like isolated socially because I can't
like date successfully. So I'm just kind of in a pickle.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
What do you mean you can't date successfully? Why do
you say that?
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Like, I have so much PTSD that normally it just
turns out to be more like a vender, like what
happened in September, where like I kind of go crazy
for a weekend and like sleep around a bunch and
it's fun and I have fun. But then I'm like, Okay,
it would be cool if I had someone I could trust,
and also it would be cool if I met someone
(06:49):
I could raise a kid with. But I feel like
I'm giving up on that. And that's what my parents
were saying to me, is like, we feel like you're
giving up, and that's what made me decide to get
the abortion. But yeah, I'm twenty.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Nine, So okay, Well, first of all, you're twenty nine.
You have your entire life ahead of you. That's nothing,
So don't worry about that number. Okay, are you working
with a therapist right now?
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Okay, so you're working through all that stuff. So for you,
like for any other regular person who's just going out
and doing that randomly or occasionally, that's okay. But if
it's a result of what the trauma that you endure,
then that is a separate issue, right yeah, because you're
acting out and you're doing this for the reasons. So
I think your transparency is really like great, a that
(07:33):
you're working with a therapist, that you were honest with
your family. It's not your mom's responsibility to raise a
child with you. It's an unfair ask, you know what
I mean. She's not your partner. She already raised you,
she raised your siblings, like it's just not fair. So
I understand that you were disappointed in that reaction, but
you have to get yourself into a position a where
you're with someone that you're ready to have a baby
(07:55):
with and then that's going to be your partner. And
when that does happen, and you showed the kind of
a mature and growth that you're going to be experiencing,
like from this phone call on and through your therapy
and on, you're going to mend the relationship with your
mom and your family members and everything. They just need
to see that you're making changes in the right direction,
going out, having sex with three gunys, getting pregnant, and
(08:16):
then asking your mom to raise the baby doesn't give
people a view of oh, this girl's getting her shit together.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Yeah I know I and I can see their perspective.
And I did, like finally just get a real, real
job with like benefits and everything. So I think I
am kind of addicted to the chaos, maybe a little bit.
And that's what my therapist is working with me on.
It's just I feel like, what if I never find
(08:44):
I don't see a world where i'll ever like trust
someone and want to Like.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
You will, you will, absolutely willitizecause nothing is permanent. Your
feelings right now are not permanent. They're just temporary and
it's a result of something. So like, you're in a situation.
This is a great like growth edge for you. You're
in a situation where you can like actually decide, Okay,
this is not how I want to behave anymore. I
want to move forward. You know what you want, you
(09:08):
want a partner, you want to have a baby, move
forward with those things in mind. Having vendors with a
bunch of random guys every weekend isn't getting you what
you want. That's like a band aid that ends up
hurting more in the long run, right, Like, that's not
how you want to have a baby. So if you
really are looking like, don't say I'm never gonna. I'm
never gonna. You're twenty nine years old. You don't know
what you're gonna do. You're gonna have a lot of experiences,
(09:30):
and you're gonna fall in love with people, and you're
gonna have like all of those opportunities as long as
you just make sure that's what you want to do
and say to yourself like with intention, like that's that's
what I'm doing now. And also there's no harm in like,
you know, I don't like, I'm not a big fan
of declaring victory prematurely when you feel like you've gotten
over a situation or you're feeling like you're kind of
(09:51):
like blooming into a new person, so to speak. But
like it's important to take that be patient with your
family and in a few weeks time or whatever seems
like an appropriate amount of time for you. I don't
know how often you hang out with your family, are
with them, but just give them positive updates about the
work and progress that you're making. You know, about your job,
(10:13):
it's not all about men, it's not all about the baby.
It should just be multi dimensional, all the facets of
your life, your friendships, this is what you're working on,
this is what you're working on with your therapist. You
don't have to get into detail, but just give them
little updates to let them know that you are like
working towards becoming a more reliable, responsible adult who's ready
(10:34):
for a big responsibility.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
Yeah, and I think that that is really good advice
because sometimes I feel like, what can we talk about though,
because there's a lot of like trauma in my past,
and my job is kind of boring, and so sometimes
I feel like there's only like a handful of topics
that I can talk to my family about. But you're right,
(10:57):
probably just talking about my goals and things that I
am accomplishing would be better than.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
And books that you're reading. You read a book, like
a self help book that really made you understand or
reminded you of your dynamic with your parents, like all
positive things, you know what I mean. Don't bring them
into the trauma since it's already exposed and everyone knows
about it. It's about you, like working to get out
of it and working to heal yourself, and that's your priority.
(11:25):
Your priority isn't your family, your priorities, yourself, but like
you know, your mental health and just sharing with them
in a way that doesn't require them to carry any
more of a burden in their minds, you know what
I mean. Or responsibility I think is a better choice
of words.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
I definitely wish I could go back in time and
just not tell anybody in my family about any of
the trauma or the pregnancies.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Of course I know, but you know what, that's okay.
You did and they deserve to know because they're your
family and they want to know. It's just about it's
not what happens, it's how you handle what happens, you know,
I mean, listen, it is what happens, but it's very
much more how you handle coming out of that and
what you do to heal after that. So I don't
(12:08):
have any doubt that you're on your You're on your road.
You're just in a vulnerable spot right now, and you're
feeling vulnerable, you know, and you're feeling alone, and I
get it. But this you have the ability to repair
all of these relationships and make them grow and turn
into the woman that you really like want to become
and find the partner that you want.
Speaker 4 (12:26):
Yeah, Like I know, right now it feels like the
trauma is so looms so large in your life and
that like that's your whole life. But as you keep
working with your therapist and you get some distance and
some perspective, like it will it will shrink as far
as like how much space it takes up in your life.
I also wanted to ask, not from a procreation standpoint,
(12:46):
but just from a like a mood management perspective, are
you on birth control at all or no?
Speaker 3 (12:52):
No? And this is like been a thing for me.
I have tried so many different touch and just suck yes,
and they have made me so depressed. I tried the
copper IUD when I was in college, and I've never
had more painful periods. And then I tried to get
the like least hormonal IUD yes, the Marina I think,
(13:15):
and it was horrible. There was like a it was
a doctor learning how to be a gynecologist and they
couldn't get it in and so I just told them
to stop.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Which is great for someone who already has sexual trauma.
Good job.
Speaker 4 (13:29):
Yeah, but when we're on natural we have these like
highs and lows with our hormones, right, and like when
we're ovulating, we feel the most powerful, we get the
most done, we feel amazing. But then it can also
lead to like you know, going out and partying a
little bit too much and sort of you know, having
to face the consequences of that. Whereas when you are
on birth control it gives you a little bit less
of a high low. So you may talk to your
(13:50):
doctor and see if there is a pill that could
help just sort of like smooth the edges of that.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Yeah, I know, I think that if I could find
a good option for me, that would be great, especially
because you know, I'm not going to be celibate, so
I don't want to have a repeat of this situation
next time.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
I obulate, do you have a female female doctor gynecologist?
Speaker 3 (14:13):
No, well I don't have a gynecologist.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Okay, Well do you have health insurance?
Speaker 3 (14:18):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Okay, We'll try and find a female gynecologist and she's
going to be much more adept at getting things inside
you and also giving you the options of what's like
what a good option for you is. I mean, there's
a million things out there. I'm sure there's going to
be something that's going to get along with your system.
I mean everyone needs it, So.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
That's good advice to talk about positive things, get on
birth control. I think it's just hard because, like like
you were saying, Catherine, like it's so daunting, Like I
feel okay, you know, like day to day, but like
big picture, am I ever going to be able? Like
I don't know. I just got a text from like
a witness protection person that the guy who assaulted me
(14:59):
is and be out of prison in a week, and
so tough. I don't have anybody really in this town.
My family's not here, so it's just like I wish
I could talk to my mom and my sister about
this stuff, but like it's too taboo. It's like that's frustrating.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Why is it too taboo? Like what is their reaction
to that subject matter?
Speaker 3 (15:18):
They basically tell me not to talk about it, like
don't bring it up kind of stuff, which is fine,
Like I have friends and a therapist. It's just my
sister is very she's turned to God.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
And so now she's like doesn't he want to hear
she doesn't want to.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
Talk about abortion and like sexual assault is like she
can't handle talking about it.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
So you know what, I think, in addition to your therapist,
to see if there is like a group in your
town that is, like a sexual assault survivors group, that
might be really helpful. So you have another outlet that
you can talk to people who've experienced the same thing,
which you know maybe your therapist hasn't. That might be
a good way to, like, and you can talk about
this like I can't talk about this with my family,
you know how your family is reacting, and like really
(16:01):
get into it.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
Yeah, that would just feel validating.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
I think, especially with.
Speaker 4 (16:06):
The freshness of like knowing this person is out, you
know that it might be good to like step up
your self care in that.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
I think that's a great idea because you're going to
find out you're not the only person whose family isn't
always available for these kinds of conversations.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
Yeah, and I don't want them. I don't want to
keep traumatizing them.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Yeah, right, I hear you. I hear you.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Well, will you follow up with us in a little.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
Bit, Yeah, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
All right, thanks for calling in. We wish you the
best of luck.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Nice to meet you you too, Chelsea. I'm seeing you
in February in Madison.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Oh yeah, great, I'll be there Madison, Wisconsin. I'm coming here. Okay,
take care, keep us pote Okay, bye, guys.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Iye, what a sweetheart. Well, I mean, it's like a
heavy topic, but.
Speaker 4 (16:52):
I'm glad that this is a resource where people can
come and talk about, you know, some of the not
so fun parts of life, some of the worst parts
of life.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Families are so fucked up, truly.
Speaker 4 (17:02):
Truly, and even the ones that mean well don't always
know what to say, you know.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
I like them when people don't know what to say.
I like when people say it is what it is?
Speaker 2 (17:10):
What does that mean?
Speaker 1 (17:11):
It is what it is? Is there anything more stupid
than that sentence?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Maybe like that it was meant to be? Or you
know what I mean when people are.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Like, oh, it's not that they say, I'm like, well, God,
is what it is? It's like, what is it? It's
not good enough?
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Should it be good enough? I'm not agree.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Okay, anyway, Catherine, I hope you have a wonderful, productive day. Okay,
thank you God, God bless America. Fine, okay, guys, the
High and Mighty Tour is about to begin. I'm in
DC February thirteenth. February fourteenth, Atlantic city which I just
added fifteenth is Norfolk, Virginia. February nineteenth Madison, Wisconsin. February
twentieth is Milwaukee, Wisconsin. February twenty first Detroit, Michigan. February
(17:52):
twenty second, Rama, Ontario. That's Canada for those of you
who don't speak Canadia. March thirteenth, Cleveland, oh Ohio. March
fourteenth Columbus, Ohio. March fifteenth, Cincinnati, Ohio. And then March
twentieth is Denver, Colorado. March twenty seventh Portland, Maine. March
twenty eighth, Providence, Rhode Island. March twenty ninth, Springfield, Massachusetts.
(18:16):
April tenth is Chicago. I'll be at the Chicago Theater.
April eleventh Indianapolis, Indiana. April twelfth Louisville, Kentucky. April sixteenth
is Albuquerque, New Mexico. April seventeenth is Mesa, Arizona. April
twenty third is Kansas City, Missouri. April twenty fourth is
Saint Louis, Missouri. April twenty fifth is Minneapolis, Minnesota. April
(18:39):
thirtieth Nashville Tennessee. May first is Charlotte, North Carolina. May
second is Durham, North Carolina. May sixth, I'm doing Netflix
as a joke festival. I will be in Los Angeles.
That is a new announcement. And May fifteenth Saratoga, California.
May sixteenth Monterey, California. May seventeenth Modesto, California. And then
(19:01):
June fourth Portchester, New York. June fifth is Boston, mass
And June twelfth is Portland, Oregon. And then Seattle is
June thirteenth, So suck on that, everybody. Go to Chelseahandler
dot com for tickets.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Do you want advice from Chelsea?
Speaker 4 (19:17):
Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. Find
full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching
at Dear Chelsea pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered
by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law And be sure
to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com
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