December 12, 2024 • 29 mins
Amy reads & responds to listener emails covering personal topics like how Al-Anon can bring peace to loved ones of alcoholics, practical tips for supporting a parent through cancer treatments, an encouraging eating disorder recovery update, the role gratitude plays in tough times, a book recommendation and a new wine some of you may want to try!
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HOST: Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
Okay, cats up little food for yourself life. Oh it's
pretty bad.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Hey, it's pretty beautiful.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Beautiful. That for a little more.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Family's exciting, said, he cut your kick in with four
Thing with Amy Brown.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Happy Thursday. Four Things Amy here, And today's episode is
for you from you. I've got listener emails that I'm
going to be reading that I think will be encouraging
for all of you to hear. So that's going to
be today's episode. I'm going to read the emails covering
everything from an eating disorder update, a cancer diagnosis, an
(00:54):
alan On question, and dealing with alcoholics. And then a
couple of you emailed in some tips for us, a
book recommendation, and drink that we need to check out.
So I'll read the emails and then I will give
my reply to each person. And the first email is
from a listener that was asking about alan On because
(01:16):
I shared about my alan On experience in last week's episode,
which if you're not familiar, allan On is a support
group that helps loved ones of alcoholics by providing a
place to meet, to have a safe space to share
and learn how to cope. So that's what allan On
is and I'm going to leave the listener's name off
(01:38):
because this is something very personal and I want to
respect that. And sometimes I have time to hear back
permission to use names when it's something personal, But in
this case, I just got the email this morning, so
here's what they wrote. Hey, Amy, longtime listener, and I
have been listening to four things since it came out.
After hearing the latest podcast, you mentioned that you went
(01:58):
to alan on meeting and you tried to go weekly.
What gave you the motivation to go when it's mainly
to deal with the person in your life that has
the problem. A little background on me. I did go
to therapy for myself for many years, mainly for anxiety
and panic attacks, so I'm in no way against personal growth, therapy, rehab, etc.
(02:19):
Someone in my life is an alcoholic and we haven't
had a relationship for over ten years. They just recently
went to rehab and have been sober a couple of months.
How did you get in the mindset that going to
those meetings would be best for you? I feel like,
since I'm not the one with the disease, I don't
want to do the work, especially with children and limited
time for myself as it is. Also, maybe I'm being
(02:42):
a whiny baby. It's a hard place to be in
your friend blank from blank, right, So, dear blank, here's
what I will say to you. I'm sorry that you're
dealing with this. Thank you for listening to the podcast
all of these years and taking the time to email
me about something so personal. It's definitely a hard place
(03:05):
to be, and you are not a whiny baby for
feeling this way at all, whatsoever. What you were experiencing
is totally valid, and it's okay to feel conflicted about
adding one more thing to your plate, especially when it's
not something you asked for or something you've done. I
totally get it. I'd never even heard of alan On
(03:27):
until a few years ago, and started going when I
was advised to go. It was made very clear to
me by a couple of trusted people that I had
my own issues based on my relationship with my qualifier. Now,
in this case, your family member is the qualifier, and
there are certain behaviors that we pick up along the
(03:50):
way that aren't helpful, even if their behaviors or patterns
from ten years ago, twenty years ago, or two months ago,
for example. Well, I was extremely codependent, I lacked boundaries,
I enabled, I frequently got involved in things that were
not on my side of the street, etc. But in
(04:13):
my mind, none of those things were my problem. They
were because of my qualifier. So similar to you, I
didn't understand why I needed help dealing with someone else's problem. Well,
what I learned over time is that all of those things,
they were my problem and my responsibility, and if I
wanted peace and change, I had to put in the work.
(04:37):
Like it wasn't about fixing the other person, but really
about finding the tools to help me feel less stuck
and less frustrated and just less helpless, and really to
have the best relationship with my qualifier possible, because I
still wanted that. So I don't know all the details
of your situation and if you even want a relationship
(05:00):
with this person, but if they're sober, I mean, it
could be a beautiful time for you to nurture your relationship.
But that will take you staying on your side of
the street, focusing on you. I mean, if I really
thought about the exact motivation. Yes, I was encouraged by
other people, but it really boiled down to peace for
(05:20):
myself and me focusing on myself. And that's what those
very trusted people in my life could see that I
couldn't see at the time. They were observing my actions,
and it was very clear to them that I was
in victim mode and contributing to the agony I was feeling,
and they could see that if I didn't learn how
to manage that, I was never going to find peace.
(05:40):
So for me, yeah, boiled down to finding peace. And
the awesome thing about alan On is that it helped
me focus on what I can control, like my reactions, boundaries, mindset,
and I did mention a weekly meeting that I try
to go to last week's episode, but you don't have
(06:02):
to go weekly or even commit to it long term
to benefit from it. You can just take it one
meeting at a time and see how it feels. There
are even zoom options that I've done that are helpful.
I never regret going to a meeting, and I love
some of the friends that I've made along the way.
I mean, these are the type of friends that will
not judge anything, so it's very refreshing. And also I
(06:25):
totally get that you're a mom and your time is limited,
but I do think that giving yourself even an hour
here or there can make such a big difference. And
you are not alone in this. I admire you for
even considering going, like sending me this email just shows
that you care and you're curious, and I think curiosity
(06:45):
is very important. And this isn't just about your relationship
with this person in your life, this family member, but
it is about you and your family. I can say
that going has made me a better mom, and I
didn't expect that to be the case, but that was
my ignorance of it all. Like I was very ignorant
when it came to anything with alcohol and addiction and
(07:10):
all that comes with that. So whatever you decide, give
yourself grace and know that you are doing your best.
And this is a really tough situation. So that is
what I will say to you there. You just got
to take care of you, whatever that looks like. All right.
(07:35):
The next email that I've got for you is from Skyler.
It is personal, but I do have her permission to
use her name, and it's an email exchange between the
both of us that started back in October after I
put up a walking meditation. And if you heard that episode,
you know that I was struggling with just feeling like,
am I capable of doing this? Should I be doing it?
(07:57):
I really wanted to, but I felt a little lame
because who did I think I was wanting to do
a walking meditation when I've never led anything like that before.
And so this is a note that I got from
Skyler about that and what she has going on in
her life. And then after I read this, I'll read
to my reply and then what she just updated me
(08:18):
with recently, which is a really good update. All right,
So here's the exchange with Skyler. Hi, Amy, I've been
listening to you for about ten years now. I've had
an active eating disorder during these years as well. I
listened to your podcasts, Outweigh, the Bobby Bone Show every morning,
your cousin Amanda kat Defada, and just about every podcast
you recommend. I wanted to email you to let you
(08:41):
know that, like you told yourself in the podcast today,
you are capable of anything you set your mind to.
Your first ever walking meditation was perfect and I really
enjoyed it. Thanks for all you do, your friend from Houston, Pennsylvania, Skyler.
Here's what I sent Skyler, Thank you for this encouraging
(09:01):
note and for being such a loyal listener for so
many years. I'm grateful for you and hope that the
podcasts come alongside you in the ways that you need
them to each day or episode, especially while in an
active ed for eating disorder. I'm sending love, hugs, and prayers,
especially for healing your way. You are brave and capable.
Love Amy. Then this is the reply I just got
(09:25):
from Skuyler this week, and it's very encouraging. She said, Hey,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm somewhat
recovering from my eating disorder since I last emailed. Some
days are still very hard. My mind still tells me
I want all the treats this time of year, and
with all the family events, I have less and less
time to work out, and that gets in my head.
(09:48):
Your Saturday episode on December seventh, twenty twenty four was amazing.
I cried and sang the Outweigh song with you at
the end. Thanks for all that you do. I just
placed my yearly Christmas shop forward order. Have a great
holiday season, your friend, Skyler. So what I love so
much about this update is well, first of all, the
email back in October. I love that she was encouraging me,
(10:10):
telling me I was capable, and that she appreciated the
walking meditation. And then I just sent back, you know,
I wish you the best, and I hope for healing.
And I can tell that she wants the healing because
she's doing all the things. I remember being so eager
for help. I was consuming everything. I was listening to
podcasts and reading books and I just wanted all the information,
(10:31):
and I was trying to take courses and I just
wanted to stop. Stop it with my obsessive food thoughts
and binge eating, etc. And Skyler is admitting that she
still has a lot of thoughts and some days are
really hard. But what stands out to me is her
first sentence, I wanted you to know that I am
somewhat recovering from my eating disorder since I last emailed.
(10:55):
So to even be one hour, one day, one week
into recovery and to feel like you are somewhat recovering
is so amazing and it offers so much hope to
other people that are listening. And if you aren't familiar,
she referenced my Saturday episode on December seventh, twenty twenty
(11:15):
four and on Saturdays on the Four Things feed, you'll
notice the Outweigh episodes pop up and Outweigh is a
podcast that we started in twenty twenty, actually right here
on the Four Things. It wasn't even its own podcast
it is now, but it started here on Four Things
as just the bonus series that I offered up with
my friend Lisa Ham, who's a registered dietitian. Part of
(11:37):
her work and things she was putting out into the
world is part of what led me to recovery. And
then that's how I also met kat Defada was because
she was an eating disorder therapist that came on as
one of our special guests. And I'm so thankful for
the Outway series because of that, and Leanne Ellington has
(11:57):
come alongside and is co hosting it with me now.
And Skyler was referring to that episode and the Outwait
theme song is sung by Britney Spencer. She's an amazing
country artist. But we wrote that song together and I'll
go ahead and play it for you now in case
you're not an Outweigh listener, because I love these lyrics
(12:17):
and I know that this time of year is just
tricky for a lot of you if you struggle with
food and body image thoughts because there's so many parties
and family gatherings and you're seeing people you haven't seen
in a long time, and different comments come up, and
you maybe have to get dressed up in certain ways
that you don't before, and you know all the things.
(12:37):
So I want you to listen to this song, and
if you need extra encouragement, well, I encourage you to
download the Saturday episodes or go to the Outway feed.
You can search it wherever you listen to podcasts, or
right here on the four Things feed. Every Saturday Outway
stuff pops up.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I won't let my body out me outwait everything that
I'm won't spend that life trying to change. I'm learning
love who I am again. I'm strong, I feel free,
I know every part of me is beautiful and then
will always out Way if you feel it with your
(13:19):
hands in here, she'll some love to the I get there,
take you a day and did you and die out Way?
Speaker 3 (13:30):
So Skyler, I'm so glad that Outweigh has been a
resource for you, a tool for you, or something that
has been helpful, because sometimes honestly, we're recording things I'm like,
is anybody even listening? And the emails are reminders that
if even just one person is getting something from an
(13:51):
episode that we're putting out, it is worth it. And honestly,
sometimes that one person might even be just myself, because
I might have a guest on that's sharing something that
I need to hear, or I might be going over
an email from one of you that I need to hear.
A cat might say something I need to hear or lean.
So whoever's benefiting, whether it's me or one of you
that's listening, I appreciate you sharing, and thank you for emailing.
(14:15):
If y'all want to send a note, you can for
things with Amy Brown at gmail dot com and Skyler
thanks for doing some Christmas shopping that will give back.
I have an Amy's Picks page on the Shop Forward's website.
If you go to the Shopford dot com slash Amy
and use code Amy twenty, you can save twenty percent
and all of those items one hundred percent of the
(14:37):
proceeds are going to Haiti, specifically the orphanage where my
kids grew up, and that twenty percent discount code is
just a gift to you. If you want to use
it great. I highly encourage you to use it. If not,
then that twenty percent will go to the orphanage, which
is a win win. But please take the gift the
twenty percent off if you want to. I'll link that
(14:59):
in the show notes as well. And let's get to
the next email. This one is about a recent cancer diagnosis.
Dear Amy, I've been a fan of Bobby Bone Show,
(15:20):
Four Things and the Fifth Thing and you for many years.
I've always appreciated how you share your life with all
of us. My sweet mama was just diagnosed with a
very rare form of breast cancer. As her daughter, I
want to support, love and honor her through this journey
to healing. You live this out so beautifully with both
of your parents. Any advice for the upcoming treatments surgeries,
(15:41):
radiation ahead, practically, emotionally, spiritually, we are all believers in
our savior and my mom is already approaching this with joy.
Thank you and blessings. Katie, Texas A and M Class
of two thousand gig them. So, Katie, first of all,
I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis. It
(16:02):
is a tough road ahead, but I really do believe
that the fact that she's already approaching this with joy
and faith is at testament to her strength and yours
as her daughter. Now when it comes to advice practically speaking,
I mean, one of the best things you could do
is stay organized. Now, this was more my sister's strength
(16:25):
and my mom's. I don't really know how organized my
dad was, quite honestly, but he didn't have as much
to keep up with as my mom. Like he had
surgery and radiation, but my mom just had all kinds
of things for two years straight. And honestly, they were
very different stories. But being a caregiver in any situation
(16:48):
is just really taxing, So trying to be as organized
as possible is highly recommended. But I'm recommending this as
someone that just knows this, not because I was awesome
at it. But something you could do, or maybe someone
in your family or your friend group could do, would
be to make a binder for your mom with all
of her medical records, her appointments, her notes from doctor's visits.
(17:10):
This helps so much just having it in one place
and at appointments, do not be afraid to speak up
to ask questions, to get clarification, to take notes, write
things down if something isn't clear, to ask for other opinions,
and if you can't always be at appointments with her.
(17:32):
This is more on the emotional level of things. Just
being there for her is enough. Sometimes she may need
to talk to you to vent to you. Other times
she may just need you to sit with her. And
if she's anything like my mom, she may try to
shield you from how hard things really are. My mom
(17:55):
didn't really show that side of it at all, but
I would remind your mom hates hey share with me,
lean on me. I want to hear it all. I
want to know what's going on in your head and
doing little small gestures like things that your mom likes,
like if she likes to go get a pedicure and
she's allowed to go, do that, take her to go,
(18:15):
if she likes handwritten notes, or she has a favorite
snack or treat. Those sort of things can brighten her
day more than you'd think. You can watch funny things
together or watch sad things together. I just know there's
a lot of downtime with treatment, So that's why I
guess I'm saying watch things like movies or shows that
(18:36):
you both enjoy and things that are filled with all
kinds of emotions, because you've got a lot of emotions
going on inside of you. So when you watch things
that help you laugh or cry, that just kind of
gets some emotions out. So it's a two birds, one
stone sort of thing. And I love that your mom
is already leaning on joy. I mean, my mom held
(18:57):
tightly to Neamiah A ten, which is the joy of
the Lord is my strength. And that was such a
powerful reminder for all of us. Even my dad when
he was diagnosed years later, he held tightly to that.
And that's where pimp and Joy came from with my mom,
and my dad had the pimp and Joy mantra and
(19:17):
movement to go with him on his journey. And something
that my mom's therapist recommended to her was gratitude, especially
on the hard days like towards the end of my
mom's life. Her gratitude list made me laugh. I think
her therapist wanted her to do I don't know, like
twenty or so things that she was thankful for, and
(19:38):
she numbered them out in her journal. It might have
even been more than that. I can't recall exactly, but
what I do remember is that she had this yellow journal,
and for this particular gratitude assignment from her therapist, she
couldn't even get the full list done for some reason.
She only made it to like nine or ten, and
like I said, all the numbers were counted out, but
(19:59):
tons of were left blank. And we laughed when we
were reading it because my sister made the list but
not me, and other things like yogurt or on the list.
And my sister later gifted me a yellow journal that
was exactly like our moms and I still have it
and anytime I see it, I just laugh a little
bit about how the yogurt made the cut and not me.
(20:21):
Now I know that she was grateful for me, I
just have to assume that she thought she already put
me down. But anyway, there's a reason why her therapist
kept on her about gratitude, and it's because it can
be so helpful in difficult times for all of us.
So I recommend that you all practice gratitude. Also, my
(20:43):
mom had another mantra or saying, which was it's either
heaven or healing and both are good. Now, my mother
in law, who's my former mother in law, just not
used to saying that yet, But I saw her over Thanksgiving,
and she actually reminded me of my mom, saying that
when I saw her a couple of weeks ago, and
(21:05):
it's so powerful, it's either heaven or healing, and both
are good, and my mom truly believed that. So I
encourage you to keep your eyes on healing. But I
also love my mom's attitude, so I wanted to share
that mantra with you, and I appreciate you emailing. I
hope that some of this is helpful. I will end
(21:25):
by saying that you most definitely need to remember to
take care of yourself too, because caregiving can be exhausting emotionally, physically.
You need to take time to recharge. You cannot feel
guilty about that. You need to make sure other people
are getting involved if they can. I don't know if
your mom has a friend group, if you've got other siblings,
(21:47):
what the support looks like. But you know, my mom
had her own little army, and I feel like we
were very blessed for that group of people. And then
even with my dad, he had his group that would
come together and help. So just finding your people and
have days where you unravel completely, get frustrated, totally lose it.
(22:11):
All of that is normal and healthy, so make sure
you take care of yourself. I feel like with both
my mom and my dad, there were times that I
completely lost it, and you got to have those days.
You got to lean on your faith, lean on your family, therapy, friends,
walks talks, good meals, making memories with your mom, asking questions.
(22:32):
There's so much I would ask my mom and my
dad today that I just never got around to. So
start making a list out of things that you want
to know, and you can still be hopeful in that
healing is on the horizon and that's certainly what you're
praying for when you're facing something like this. I think
it's okay to also get real and be like, hey,
is there anything that I want to know? And you
(22:53):
don't have to approach it in that way that seems
sad and depressing in morbid, but you can just during
those moments with your mom, say hey, I've been curious
about this. Can we talk about X Y Z? Or
can I get this recipe? But you don't have to
make it about what's ahead, because what's ahead is healing,
and that's what we're going to pray for. That's what
we're going to hope for so I'm praying for you
(23:15):
and your family. You've got this, so does your mom giggle.
I'm class of three, so yeah, keep us posted. We
want to know. Thanks Katie. Okay, I got a couple
of more emails from you, one from another Katie and
then one from Heather. I'll read them back to back
(23:37):
because they are recommending things for us to try out,
both based on last week's podcasts that I did on
alcohol anxiety, feeling good when you're drinking, maybe taking a
break from drinking, how you sleep, all that. So these
are recommendations that they sent in that I thought might
be helpful for some of you. Hey, Amy, I was
(23:58):
introduced to the book The Pulse Cure by doctor Torquil.
It's a fascinating read that I think you would enjoy.
He used Garman Watches for his research, and I work
at Garman's, so that's how I learned about him. Your
episode reminded me of how I can see how my
sleep and HRV changes even after two beers. He came
to our headquarters and spoke and it was definitely eye opening.
(24:21):
He said he's been on a few podcasts, so it
might be easier if you want to search some of
those up as well. Thanks Katie. Thank you for that
book recommendation. Katie. I'm definitely going to check it out
and the podcast episodes that he's been on because I
am fascinated with the topic. All right. Next email is
from Heather. Hey, I love your podcast. After listening to
your latest episode on alcohol, I wanted to share a
(24:43):
low alcohol and no alcohol wine solution that actually tastes good. Now,
my husband is the importer, so I might be a
little biased, but it truly is good. The low alcohol
wine is called Osmosis, and there's a white, rose and
red option, and the no alcohol version is called Zolo zero.
It's a rose and it's very flavorful. We'd love to
(25:06):
send you some up that's possible. Thanks for your vulnerability
and authenticity on each episode, your friend Heather, Which Heather,
I'm totally down if you want to send some, no
big deal. I do need to still reply to your
email and I can send you an address. Maybe you
can send it to the Bobby Bonechow studio and I
can even give some to the guys. I'm sure Ray
would like to try it out or Eddie, but It's
(25:28):
very sweet of you to offer, and I just wanted
to share it with people listening in case they wanted
to place an order and see if they are looking
for a low alcohol wine because I didn't even know
low alcohol wine was a thing. I just kind of
thought there was wine and then you know the non
alcohol versions of it, but there are low versions as well,
(25:48):
and now we know that thanks to Heather. All Right, Well,
that is a wrap on today's episode. I always love
hearing from all of you. Please reach out if you
have thoughts or questions. Again, the email is four Things
with Amy Brown at gmail dot com and we talked
about gratitude with Katie's mom. If you want a Gratitude journal,
(26:09):
that's part of the Amy's Picks list where you can
get twenty percent off with Amy twenty and all the
proceeds are going to Haiti. With the Four Things Gratitude Journal,
there's two color options. They are so cute. And the
last day for shipping when it comes to stuff from
the shop forward if you want to get it in
(26:29):
time for Christmas, the cut off date is December seventeenth,
so today's the twelfth, So you got like, I don't
know a handful of days to get some shopping done.
If you want to find some things on there, get
a little discount for yourself, get some gifts that give back.
There's so many four Things items on there. If you're
a big fan of the Four Things podcast. There's totes,
(26:50):
there's zipper pouches, there's pullovers, and then there's the Gratitude Journal,
which is a pretty awesome gift. And you could just
snag a couple of those for people in your life
and check them off your list, and it'll be the
gift that keeps on giving, because not only is it
supporting Haiti, but gratitude in itself is a gift that
keeps on giving. So in gratitude, I shall say thank
(27:11):
you so much for listening, and thank you for sharing
a part of your day with me, and especially for
those of you that take time to email in. It
is not lost on me at all because I think
of how many things I consume, and you know, if
I would take the time to stop and email in
all the questions I had or any thoughts that I had,
and that's not lost on me that that's not necessarily
(27:34):
easy to do, to take the time. So I truly
do appreciate it all right. See y'all on Saturday for
Outweigh and then again on Tuesday for the fifth Thing
with Kat. In the meantime, you can also find me
on socials at radio Amy have the day you need
to have by you right us to share.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
You can see the words are right rad.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
We'll never manage your to all tenders of sensing. No
over girls and magazines. You've been side the family was
around the table.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Because my gran my maid is fan.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
So we're not.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Well start to chance to be.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
All along grabs. You are the charge of those boys, right.
I won't let my body that way out. Everything that
I'm made once been my I try to change. I'm
learning a level who I am. I ain't shrunk everything
(28:51):
and thought everybody's bedful and the all always if you money,
stay gain my day out of time.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
But you would have oh so many hands in there
the show. This is her first day singing in front
of people like this, so can y'all give it up
for her? It is not easy to do what she did,
and she freaking did it twice to day.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
You're incredible, But what
Okay, cats up little food for yourself life. Oh it's
pretty bad.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Hey, it's pretty beautiful.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Beautiful. That for a little more.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Family's exciting, said, he cut your kick in with four
Thing with Amy Brown.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Happy Thursday. Four Things Amy here, And today's episode is
for you from you. I've got listener emails that I'm
going to be reading that I think will be encouraging
for all of you to hear. So that's going to
be today's episode. I'm going to read the emails covering
everything from an eating disorder update, a cancer diagnosis, an
(00:54):
alan On question, and dealing with alcoholics. And then a
couple of you emailed in some tips for us, a
book recommendation, and drink that we need to check out.
So I'll read the emails and then I will give
my reply to each person. And the first email is
from a listener that was asking about alan On because
(01:16):
I shared about my alan On experience in last week's episode,
which if you're not familiar, allan On is a support
group that helps loved ones of alcoholics by providing a
place to meet, to have a safe space to share
and learn how to cope. So that's what allan On
is and I'm going to leave the listener's name off
(01:38):
because this is something very personal and I want to
respect that. And sometimes I have time to hear back
permission to use names when it's something personal, But in
this case, I just got the email this morning, so
here's what they wrote. Hey, Amy, longtime listener, and I
have been listening to four things since it came out.
After hearing the latest podcast, you mentioned that you went
(01:58):
to alan on meeting and you tried to go weekly.
What gave you the motivation to go when it's mainly
to deal with the person in your life that has
the problem. A little background on me. I did go
to therapy for myself for many years, mainly for anxiety
and panic attacks, so I'm in no way against personal growth, therapy, rehab, etc.
(02:19):
Someone in my life is an alcoholic and we haven't
had a relationship for over ten years. They just recently
went to rehab and have been sober a couple of months.
How did you get in the mindset that going to
those meetings would be best for you? I feel like,
since I'm not the one with the disease, I don't
want to do the work, especially with children and limited
time for myself as it is. Also, maybe I'm being
(02:42):
a whiny baby. It's a hard place to be in
your friend blank from blank, right, So, dear blank, here's
what I will say to you. I'm sorry that you're
dealing with this. Thank you for listening to the podcast
all of these years and taking the time to email
me about something so personal. It's definitely a hard place
(03:05):
to be, and you are not a whiny baby for
feeling this way at all, whatsoever. What you were experiencing
is totally valid, and it's okay to feel conflicted about
adding one more thing to your plate, especially when it's
not something you asked for or something you've done. I
totally get it. I'd never even heard of alan On
(03:27):
until a few years ago, and started going when I
was advised to go. It was made very clear to
me by a couple of trusted people that I had
my own issues based on my relationship with my qualifier. Now,
in this case, your family member is the qualifier, and
there are certain behaviors that we pick up along the
(03:50):
way that aren't helpful, even if their behaviors or patterns
from ten years ago, twenty years ago, or two months ago,
for example. Well, I was extremely codependent, I lacked boundaries,
I enabled, I frequently got involved in things that were
not on my side of the street, etc. But in
(04:13):
my mind, none of those things were my problem. They
were because of my qualifier. So similar to you, I
didn't understand why I needed help dealing with someone else's problem. Well,
what I learned over time is that all of those things,
they were my problem and my responsibility, and if I
wanted peace and change, I had to put in the work.
(04:37):
Like it wasn't about fixing the other person, but really
about finding the tools to help me feel less stuck
and less frustrated and just less helpless, and really to
have the best relationship with my qualifier possible, because I
still wanted that. So I don't know all the details
of your situation and if you even want a relationship
(05:00):
with this person, but if they're sober, I mean, it
could be a beautiful time for you to nurture your relationship.
But that will take you staying on your side of
the street, focusing on you. I mean, if I really
thought about the exact motivation. Yes, I was encouraged by
other people, but it really boiled down to peace for
(05:20):
myself and me focusing on myself. And that's what those
very trusted people in my life could see that I
couldn't see at the time. They were observing my actions,
and it was very clear to them that I was
in victim mode and contributing to the agony I was feeling,
and they could see that if I didn't learn how
to manage that, I was never going to find peace.
(05:40):
So for me, yeah, boiled down to finding peace. And
the awesome thing about alan On is that it helped
me focus on what I can control, like my reactions, boundaries, mindset,
and I did mention a weekly meeting that I try
to go to last week's episode, but you don't have
(06:02):
to go weekly or even commit to it long term
to benefit from it. You can just take it one
meeting at a time and see how it feels. There
are even zoom options that I've done that are helpful.
I never regret going to a meeting, and I love
some of the friends that I've made along the way.
I mean, these are the type of friends that will
not judge anything, so it's very refreshing. And also I
(06:25):
totally get that you're a mom and your time is limited,
but I do think that giving yourself even an hour
here or there can make such a big difference. And
you are not alone in this. I admire you for
even considering going, like sending me this email just shows
that you care and you're curious, and I think curiosity
(06:45):
is very important. And this isn't just about your relationship
with this person in your life, this family member, but
it is about you and your family. I can say
that going has made me a better mom, and I
didn't expect that to be the case, but that was
my ignorance of it all. Like I was very ignorant
when it came to anything with alcohol and addiction and
(07:10):
all that comes with that. So whatever you decide, give
yourself grace and know that you are doing your best.
And this is a really tough situation. So that is
what I will say to you there. You just got
to take care of you, whatever that looks like. All right.
(07:35):
The next email that I've got for you is from Skyler.
It is personal, but I do have her permission to
use her name, and it's an email exchange between the
both of us that started back in October after I
put up a walking meditation. And if you heard that episode,
you know that I was struggling with just feeling like,
am I capable of doing this? Should I be doing it?
(07:57):
I really wanted to, but I felt a little lame
because who did I think I was wanting to do
a walking meditation when I've never led anything like that before.
And so this is a note that I got from
Skyler about that and what she has going on in
her life. And then after I read this, I'll read
to my reply and then what she just updated me
(08:18):
with recently, which is a really good update. All right,
So here's the exchange with Skyler. Hi, Amy, I've been
listening to you for about ten years now. I've had
an active eating disorder during these years as well. I
listened to your podcasts, Outweigh, the Bobby Bone Show every morning,
your cousin Amanda kat Defada, and just about every podcast
you recommend. I wanted to email you to let you
(08:41):
know that, like you told yourself in the podcast today,
you are capable of anything you set your mind to.
Your first ever walking meditation was perfect and I really
enjoyed it. Thanks for all you do, your friend from Houston, Pennsylvania, Skyler.
Here's what I sent Skyler, Thank you for this encouraging
(09:01):
note and for being such a loyal listener for so
many years. I'm grateful for you and hope that the
podcasts come alongside you in the ways that you need
them to each day or episode, especially while in an
active ed for eating disorder. I'm sending love, hugs, and prayers,
especially for healing your way. You are brave and capable.
Love Amy. Then this is the reply I just got
(09:25):
from Skuyler this week, and it's very encouraging. She said, Hey,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm somewhat
recovering from my eating disorder since I last emailed. Some
days are still very hard. My mind still tells me
I want all the treats this time of year, and
with all the family events, I have less and less
time to work out, and that gets in my head.
(09:48):
Your Saturday episode on December seventh, twenty twenty four was amazing.
I cried and sang the Outweigh song with you at
the end. Thanks for all that you do. I just
placed my yearly Christmas shop forward order. Have a great
holiday season, your friend, Skyler. So what I love so
much about this update is well, first of all, the
email back in October. I love that she was encouraging me,
(10:10):
telling me I was capable, and that she appreciated the
walking meditation. And then I just sent back, you know,
I wish you the best, and I hope for healing.
And I can tell that she wants the healing because
she's doing all the things. I remember being so eager
for help. I was consuming everything. I was listening to
podcasts and reading books and I just wanted all the information,
(10:31):
and I was trying to take courses and I just
wanted to stop. Stop it with my obsessive food thoughts
and binge eating, etc. And Skyler is admitting that she
still has a lot of thoughts and some days are
really hard. But what stands out to me is her
first sentence, I wanted you to know that I am
somewhat recovering from my eating disorder since I last emailed.
(10:55):
So to even be one hour, one day, one week
into recovery and to feel like you are somewhat recovering
is so amazing and it offers so much hope to
other people that are listening. And if you aren't familiar,
she referenced my Saturday episode on December seventh, twenty twenty
(11:15):
four and on Saturdays on the Four Things feed, you'll
notice the Outweigh episodes pop up and Outweigh is a
podcast that we started in twenty twenty, actually right here
on the Four Things. It wasn't even its own podcast
it is now, but it started here on Four Things
as just the bonus series that I offered up with
my friend Lisa Ham, who's a registered dietitian. Part of
(11:37):
her work and things she was putting out into the
world is part of what led me to recovery. And
then that's how I also met kat Defada was because
she was an eating disorder therapist that came on as
one of our special guests. And I'm so thankful for
the Outway series because of that, and Leanne Ellington has
(11:57):
come alongside and is co hosting it with me now.
And Skyler was referring to that episode and the Outwait
theme song is sung by Britney Spencer. She's an amazing
country artist. But we wrote that song together and I'll
go ahead and play it for you now in case
you're not an Outweigh listener, because I love these lyrics
(12:17):
and I know that this time of year is just
tricky for a lot of you if you struggle with
food and body image thoughts because there's so many parties
and family gatherings and you're seeing people you haven't seen
in a long time, and different comments come up, and
you maybe have to get dressed up in certain ways
that you don't before, and you know all the things.
(12:37):
So I want you to listen to this song, and
if you need extra encouragement, well, I encourage you to
download the Saturday episodes or go to the Outway feed.
You can search it wherever you listen to podcasts, or
right here on the four Things feed. Every Saturday Outway
stuff pops up.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I won't let my body out me outwait everything that
I'm won't spend that life trying to change. I'm learning
love who I am again. I'm strong, I feel free,
I know every part of me is beautiful and then
will always out Way if you feel it with your
(13:19):
hands in here, she'll some love to the I get there,
take you a day and did you and die out Way?
Speaker 3 (13:30):
So Skyler, I'm so glad that Outweigh has been a
resource for you, a tool for you, or something that
has been helpful, because sometimes honestly, we're recording things I'm like,
is anybody even listening? And the emails are reminders that
if even just one person is getting something from an
(13:51):
episode that we're putting out, it is worth it. And honestly,
sometimes that one person might even be just myself, because
I might have a guest on that's sharing something that
I need to hear, or I might be going over
an email from one of you that I need to hear.
A cat might say something I need to hear or lean.
So whoever's benefiting, whether it's me or one of you
that's listening, I appreciate you sharing, and thank you for emailing.
(14:15):
If y'all want to send a note, you can for
things with Amy Brown at gmail dot com and Skyler
thanks for doing some Christmas shopping that will give back.
I have an Amy's Picks page on the Shop Forward's website.
If you go to the Shopford dot com slash Amy
and use code Amy twenty, you can save twenty percent
and all of those items one hundred percent of the
(14:37):
proceeds are going to Haiti, specifically the orphanage where my
kids grew up, and that twenty percent discount code is
just a gift to you. If you want to use
it great. I highly encourage you to use it. If not,
then that twenty percent will go to the orphanage, which
is a win win. But please take the gift the
twenty percent off if you want to. I'll link that
(14:59):
in the show notes as well. And let's get to
the next email. This one is about a recent cancer diagnosis.
Dear Amy, I've been a fan of Bobby Bone Show,
(15:20):
Four Things and the Fifth Thing and you for many years.
I've always appreciated how you share your life with all
of us. My sweet mama was just diagnosed with a
very rare form of breast cancer. As her daughter, I
want to support, love and honor her through this journey
to healing. You live this out so beautifully with both
of your parents. Any advice for the upcoming treatments surgeries,
(15:41):
radiation ahead, practically, emotionally, spiritually, we are all believers in
our savior and my mom is already approaching this with joy.
Thank you and blessings. Katie, Texas A and M Class
of two thousand gig them. So, Katie, first of all,
I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis. It
(16:02):
is a tough road ahead, but I really do believe
that the fact that she's already approaching this with joy
and faith is at testament to her strength and yours
as her daughter. Now when it comes to advice practically speaking,
I mean, one of the best things you could do
is stay organized. Now, this was more my sister's strength
(16:25):
and my mom's. I don't really know how organized my
dad was, quite honestly, but he didn't have as much
to keep up with as my mom. Like he had
surgery and radiation, but my mom just had all kinds
of things for two years straight. And honestly, they were
very different stories. But being a caregiver in any situation
(16:48):
is just really taxing, So trying to be as organized
as possible is highly recommended. But I'm recommending this as
someone that just knows this, not because I was awesome
at it. But something you could do, or maybe someone
in your family or your friend group could do, would
be to make a binder for your mom with all
of her medical records, her appointments, her notes from doctor's visits.
(17:10):
This helps so much just having it in one place
and at appointments, do not be afraid to speak up
to ask questions, to get clarification, to take notes, write
things down if something isn't clear, to ask for other opinions,
and if you can't always be at appointments with her.
(17:32):
This is more on the emotional level of things. Just
being there for her is enough. Sometimes she may need
to talk to you to vent to you. Other times
she may just need you to sit with her. And
if she's anything like my mom, she may try to
shield you from how hard things really are. My mom
(17:55):
didn't really show that side of it at all, but
I would remind your mom hates hey share with me,
lean on me. I want to hear it all. I
want to know what's going on in your head and
doing little small gestures like things that your mom likes,
like if she likes to go get a pedicure and
she's allowed to go, do that, take her to go,
(18:15):
if she likes handwritten notes, or she has a favorite
snack or treat. Those sort of things can brighten her
day more than you'd think. You can watch funny things
together or watch sad things together. I just know there's
a lot of downtime with treatment, So that's why I
guess I'm saying watch things like movies or shows that
(18:36):
you both enjoy and things that are filled with all
kinds of emotions, because you've got a lot of emotions
going on inside of you. So when you watch things
that help you laugh or cry, that just kind of
gets some emotions out. So it's a two birds, one
stone sort of thing. And I love that your mom
is already leaning on joy. I mean, my mom held
(18:57):
tightly to Neamiah A ten, which is the joy of
the Lord is my strength. And that was such a
powerful reminder for all of us. Even my dad when
he was diagnosed years later, he held tightly to that.
And that's where pimp and Joy came from with my mom,
and my dad had the pimp and Joy mantra and
(19:17):
movement to go with him on his journey. And something
that my mom's therapist recommended to her was gratitude, especially
on the hard days like towards the end of my
mom's life. Her gratitude list made me laugh. I think
her therapist wanted her to do I don't know, like
twenty or so things that she was thankful for, and
(19:38):
she numbered them out in her journal. It might have
even been more than that. I can't recall exactly, but
what I do remember is that she had this yellow journal,
and for this particular gratitude assignment from her therapist, she
couldn't even get the full list done for some reason.
She only made it to like nine or ten, and
like I said, all the numbers were counted out, but
(19:59):
tons of were left blank. And we laughed when we
were reading it because my sister made the list but
not me, and other things like yogurt or on the list.
And my sister later gifted me a yellow journal that
was exactly like our moms and I still have it
and anytime I see it, I just laugh a little
bit about how the yogurt made the cut and not me.
(20:21):
Now I know that she was grateful for me, I
just have to assume that she thought she already put
me down. But anyway, there's a reason why her therapist
kept on her about gratitude, and it's because it can
be so helpful in difficult times for all of us.
So I recommend that you all practice gratitude. Also, my
(20:43):
mom had another mantra or saying, which was it's either
heaven or healing and both are good. Now, my mother
in law, who's my former mother in law, just not
used to saying that yet, But I saw her over Thanksgiving,
and she actually reminded me of my mom, saying that
when I saw her a couple of weeks ago, and
(21:05):
it's so powerful, it's either heaven or healing, and both
are good, and my mom truly believed that. So I
encourage you to keep your eyes on healing. But I
also love my mom's attitude, so I wanted to share
that mantra with you, and I appreciate you emailing. I
hope that some of this is helpful. I will end
(21:25):
by saying that you most definitely need to remember to
take care of yourself too, because caregiving can be exhausting emotionally, physically.
You need to take time to recharge. You cannot feel
guilty about that. You need to make sure other people
are getting involved if they can. I don't know if
your mom has a friend group, if you've got other siblings,
(21:47):
what the support looks like. But you know, my mom
had her own little army, and I feel like we
were very blessed for that group of people. And then
even with my dad, he had his group that would
come together and help. So just finding your people and
have days where you unravel completely, get frustrated, totally lose it.
(22:11):
All of that is normal and healthy, so make sure
you take care of yourself. I feel like with both
my mom and my dad, there were times that I
completely lost it, and you got to have those days.
You got to lean on your faith, lean on your family, therapy, friends,
walks talks, good meals, making memories with your mom, asking questions.
(22:32):
There's so much I would ask my mom and my
dad today that I just never got around to. So
start making a list out of things that you want
to know, and you can still be hopeful in that
healing is on the horizon and that's certainly what you're
praying for when you're facing something like this. I think
it's okay to also get real and be like, hey,
is there anything that I want to know? And you
(22:53):
don't have to approach it in that way that seems
sad and depressing in morbid, but you can just during
those moments with your mom, say hey, I've been curious
about this. Can we talk about X Y Z? Or
can I get this recipe? But you don't have to
make it about what's ahead, because what's ahead is healing,
and that's what we're going to pray for. That's what
we're going to hope for so I'm praying for you
(23:15):
and your family. You've got this, so does your mom giggle.
I'm class of three, so yeah, keep us posted. We
want to know. Thanks Katie. Okay, I got a couple
of more emails from you, one from another Katie and
then one from Heather. I'll read them back to back
(23:37):
because they are recommending things for us to try out,
both based on last week's podcasts that I did on
alcohol anxiety, feeling good when you're drinking, maybe taking a
break from drinking, how you sleep, all that. So these
are recommendations that they sent in that I thought might
be helpful for some of you. Hey, Amy, I was
(23:58):
introduced to the book The Pulse Cure by doctor Torquil.
It's a fascinating read that I think you would enjoy.
He used Garman Watches for his research, and I work
at Garman's, so that's how I learned about him. Your
episode reminded me of how I can see how my
sleep and HRV changes even after two beers. He came
to our headquarters and spoke and it was definitely eye opening.
(24:21):
He said he's been on a few podcasts, so it
might be easier if you want to search some of
those up as well. Thanks Katie. Thank you for that
book recommendation. Katie. I'm definitely going to check it out
and the podcast episodes that he's been on because I
am fascinated with the topic. All right. Next email is
from Heather. Hey, I love your podcast. After listening to
your latest episode on alcohol, I wanted to share a
(24:43):
low alcohol and no alcohol wine solution that actually tastes good. Now,
my husband is the importer, so I might be a
little biased, but it truly is good. The low alcohol
wine is called Osmosis, and there's a white, rose and
red option, and the no alcohol version is called Zolo zero.
It's a rose and it's very flavorful. We'd love to
(25:06):
send you some up that's possible. Thanks for your vulnerability
and authenticity on each episode, your friend Heather, Which Heather,
I'm totally down if you want to send some, no
big deal. I do need to still reply to your
email and I can send you an address. Maybe you
can send it to the Bobby Bonechow studio and I
can even give some to the guys. I'm sure Ray
would like to try it out or Eddie, but It's
(25:28):
very sweet of you to offer, and I just wanted
to share it with people listening in case they wanted
to place an order and see if they are looking
for a low alcohol wine because I didn't even know
low alcohol wine was a thing. I just kind of
thought there was wine and then you know the non
alcohol versions of it, but there are low versions as well,
(25:48):
and now we know that thanks to Heather. All Right, Well,
that is a wrap on today's episode. I always love
hearing from all of you. Please reach out if you
have thoughts or questions. Again, the email is four Things
with Amy Brown at gmail dot com and we talked
about gratitude with Katie's mom. If you want a Gratitude journal,
(26:09):
that's part of the Amy's Picks list where you can
get twenty percent off with Amy twenty and all the
proceeds are going to Haiti. With the Four Things Gratitude Journal,
there's two color options. They are so cute. And the
last day for shipping when it comes to stuff from
the shop forward if you want to get it in
(26:29):
time for Christmas, the cut off date is December seventeenth,
so today's the twelfth, So you got like, I don't
know a handful of days to get some shopping done.
If you want to find some things on there, get
a little discount for yourself, get some gifts that give back.
There's so many four Things items on there. If you're
a big fan of the Four Things podcast. There's totes,
(26:50):
there's zipper pouches, there's pullovers, and then there's the Gratitude Journal,
which is a pretty awesome gift. And you could just
snag a couple of those for people in your life
and check them off your list, and it'll be the
gift that keeps on giving, because not only is it
supporting Haiti, but gratitude in itself is a gift that
keeps on giving. So in gratitude, I shall say thank
(27:11):
you so much for listening, and thank you for sharing
a part of your day with me, and especially for
those of you that take time to email in. It
is not lost on me at all because I think
of how many things I consume, and you know, if
I would take the time to stop and email in
all the questions I had or any thoughts that I had,
and that's not lost on me that that's not necessarily
(27:34):
easy to do, to take the time. So I truly
do appreciate it all right. See y'all on Saturday for
Outweigh and then again on Tuesday for the fifth Thing
with Kat. In the meantime, you can also find me
on socials at radio Amy have the day you need
to have by you right us to share.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
You can see the words are right rad.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
We'll never manage your to all tenders of sensing. No
over girls and magazines. You've been side the family was
around the table.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Because my gran my maid is fan.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
So we're not.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Well start to chance to be.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
All along grabs. You are the charge of those boys, right.
I won't let my body that way out. Everything that
I'm made once been my I try to change. I'm
learning a level who I am. I ain't shrunk everything
(28:51):
and thought everybody's bedful and the all always if you money,
stay gain my day out of time.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
But you would have oh so many hands in there
the show. This is her first day singing in front
of people like this, so can y'all give it up
for her? It is not easy to do what she did,
and she freaking did it twice to day.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
You're incredible, But what
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Amy Brown
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