October 15, 2022 • 20 mins
OUTWEIGH: Kayla Carson (RDN, cPTs, & director at Odyssey Eating Disorder Network) is our expert guest for 3 weeks with Amy. In this episode (2 of 3) they talk about prioritizing ED recovery socially (with friends/family) & financially (i.e. will you sacrifice other spending to get the treatment you need?!!), Kayla's personal struggle with perfectionism, and more.
KAYLA'S BIO:
Kayla Carson has extensive expertise in the eating disorder and substance use disorder field. As a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist (RDN), she has worked directly with clients in treatment centers struggling with eating disorders and co-occurring disorders for nearly a decade. She is also a certified body movement specialist and a public speaker. Kayla received her bachelor’s degree in Nutrition & Dietetics with a minor in Movement Instruction from Indiana University and completed her Dietetic Internship at Loyola University Chicago. She has a passion for helping individuals find food freedom and mindful movement by breaking the chains of physique training and diet culture. Kayla enjoys connecting with other clinicians in the field and strives to be the first call to connect clients to quality higher levels of care when in need.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out out way everything that
I'm made do, won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me.
It's beautiful and then will always out way if you
(00:24):
feel it with joy. And there she's some love to
the boom. Let's say a good day and time did
you and die out Happy Saturday outweigh fam At. Kayla
Carson is back for week two. She's our expert. She's
a registered dietitian and nutritionist who has dedicated her life
(00:44):
to working with clients that are in eating disorder recovery
or at least trying to get there and pursue that. So, Kayla,
thank you for being our expert. Yeah, it's so good
to be here. And today we're gonna talk about prioritizing
recovery so really and financially. So when I say that,
people might be like, what does that even mean? I
(01:05):
don't know, And that's what Kayla is going to explain. Yeah,
so you know, recovery is all encompassing, and a lot
of times in eating disorder or disorder disordered eating is
also all encompassing. So if someone is, you know, living
there eating disorder or living in wellness culture, let's say
(01:25):
that that is they're part of their eating disordered disordered
eating pattern. It can look like changing up your routine,
changing up the people that you surround yourself with. You're
eating disorder might really thrive in that gym that you've
been a part of for years, and those might be
all of your friends. And you know, a good example
(01:45):
is someone I know she was going to on a
trip with her gym friends and said, what, I'm going
to cut my carbs out so that i can look
good for my beach trip with my gym friends. And
socially I challenged it. So that's part of my recovery
is challenging my friends disordered eating thoughts or toxic wellness
(02:09):
culture thoughts. And I said, well, is five pounds really
worth doing that to your body for the next few weeks?
And they're like, well, everybody else is gonna look really good,
And I thought, is that why your they're your friend?
Like is that meaningful to them that you look five
pounds different? And so it really kind of got that
conversation flowing. So socially, sometimes we have to step back
(02:34):
we might have to step back from friends who are
living in a disordered eating mindset as well, or it
looks like having really challenging conversations of hey, like, I
got to do this thing and it's gonna look a
lot different than what you know me as and I
want you to walk alongside me with that, and then
(02:54):
reassessing and reevaluating. If you have a friend who's constantly,
you know, on a diet or talking about their body,
or binge eating at night because they don't adequately nourished
during the day, or whatever it is, sometimes socially we
have to set boundaries. Yeah, and boundaries are not easy
to do in general, especially in recovering, especially if these
(03:15):
are friends that you like just because they're gym friends
and you've changed and we're using jim friends. I'll say
it in air quotes, because it could be your work friends.
It could be you know, your church friends, it could
be whatever group of friends that this it's like leaned
into diet type conversations. Or maybe you have a certain
group of friends where you'll only hang out when you're
working out. Maybe that's who you run with or who
(03:38):
you go lift weights with, or something I used to always,
and I feel bad for my friends. Luckily I'm not
this way anymore. But anytime I was scheduling something to
do with a friend, I tried to always make it
a workout because it was two for one. But it
was very selfish on my part because maybe that's not
what they wanted to do, but because they wanted to
spend time with me, they would. And it's like we
(04:00):
ever went out and had fun meals or anything. It
was more, okay, well, if we're going to hang out,
let's make sure we're running five miles and talking at
the same time. And so, you know, socially, if someone
was in recovery and hanging out with me, I would
be that friend that they might have to set a
boundary with or they maybe would have to just not
(04:21):
hang out with because their time with me would be
them not prioritizing their recovery, right, Yeah. And I mean
as a female, you get more than two females together usually,
and the conversation goes to weight loss and bodies within
ten minutes most of the time. And so there's been
(04:41):
some kind of like awkward interactions that I've had in
friend groups that are outside of like the eating disorder world.
You know, sometimes I think maybe people don't want to
be around me as as often because I'm like almost
like the language police, and I don't want to be
that way, like the buzz kill. But yeah, like watch that.
I'll just say, like, can we talk about something else?
(05:02):
If we're talking like internet and fasting comes up? Or
I need to lose this last ten pounds or whatever
it is, or my legs are getting whatever, I'll just
say like, can we talk about something else? Or like
do you think Vin said? And talk about this? Like
you know, and and so sometimes there are just like
social evolutions that happen when you're trying to keep yourself safe,
(05:23):
but you're also enlightened to where you want to share
it with your friends too, and occasionally that doesn't always
go the best. Something that just popped in my head too.
That's something to keep in mind if you happen to
be the one bringing up those types of comments where
you are picking yourself apart, but when you're in other
people's company again, like if they're trying there, maybe that's
(05:46):
not even on their radar. They're not even thinking about
their knees or their their legs or their arms or whatever.
But then they see you and you're starting to pick
apart your arms. Then instantly they're like, well, wait a second,
if she thinks something's wrong with terms, then what in
the world does she things wrong with my arms or
whatever that the case may be. Because I know I
used to bring up my arms all the time. That's
(06:07):
something I always just was self conscious about. And it
was from I think, passed down from my grandmother to
my mom to me. And I didn't realize even though
I'm like, no, no, I'm not talking about you, I'm
talking about me. But the simple act of me talking
about me and picking myself apart was causing people around
me to have negative thoughts that otherwise they would not
(06:29):
have had about themselves. And so it's another way to
think about just being cautious of what you're saying about
yourself around people. You don't want to plant that seed
in their head, right right? Yeah? And in in comments
about food, you know, like this one interaction I had
that sticks out as someone said, I screamed, is such
(06:49):
a weakness of mine? Is it a weakness of yours? Too?
And I thought, how many people? If you pull a
hundred people, how many do you think would say they
love ice cream, probably a hundred who doesn't. Something that
is so normal is looked at as a weakness, but
because of diet culture. And it's like, what if we
just said I love ice cream, it's really yummy and
(07:13):
took the guilt and a shame away from it for
something that is so normal, Like everybody lives ice cream,
So why are we look are we shameful about it? Right?
And it takes the power away like ice cream shouldn't
be that powerful, right at all? Whatsoever? So let's go
to the financial side of prioritizing recovery. Yeah, I mean
eating disorder care is expensive, can be really expensive. I
(07:37):
think access to care is becoming much more common. They
are providers who are taking insurance. They are providers who
are taking even Medicare and Medicaid, which is really amazing
because we know one of the truths about eating disorders
is that it isn't only affecting high sits to economic people.
And so for someone with an eating disorder, and eating
(07:57):
disorder is a disease just like diabetes. The so, for example,
if you had to purchase insulin to stay alive, you
would buy your insulin, whereas sometimes with eating disorders. The
clients will look at it as an option of well,
I'm gonna not see my therapists as often as I
need to, I'm not going to see my dietician as
often as I need to, or I just can't you know,
(08:19):
pay for that deductible for my insurance, or you know,
I can't meet my out of pockets. Just too expensive.
So while there are resources available, you know, Project Heal
is a resource for financial support, there's plenty of others.
I often see people who are very much living out
a full blow needing disorder have sought out help and
(08:43):
said that they can't afford it, but then their lifestyle
suggests otherwise, driving luxury vehicles, you know, doing a lot
of a lot of expensive like facial treatments that very
that could easily have paid for their deductible for their insurance,
going on labish vacations for the Instagram, just a lot
of things that if I do these things, then I'll
(09:05):
feel better about myself and I won't need the eating
disorder care. I think that's part of the message. And
then the other part is we're just in the insecurity
of needing a lot of external validation. So I'm going
to spend my money on all of these things that
people will like me because I have you know, a
BMW or whatever. In the meantime, they're extremely sick in
(09:27):
not getting the care that they need, So prioritizing recovery
can look a lot like spending the money for their therapists,
for their dietitian, for their medication, for treatment, and saying
notice some of these other, you know, luxury items. And
that's something that burns in me quite a bit when
(09:48):
I just want to say, like no, like don't spend
that money on whatever it is. Facials, like go to treatment,
get care. You're gonna be your life was going to
be so much more open and happy. Yeah, just more fulfilling.
It's a better Like the word we're using is prioritizing,
but it's just the bang for your book, like your
your return on investment is so much more. You mentioned
(10:18):
last week that perfectionism is something that you struggle with.
How did that play into your eating disorder? So a
lot of eating disorders are rooted in this perfectionism. And
it's basically like if I can show up in a
perfect body, with perfect hair and perfect makeup, and people
are going to like me, Like that's half the battle,
(10:41):
and then I have to perform and I have to do,
you know, all the other things. So like when I
take the Angiograham tests, if you're familiar, I think most
people are. I used to be a one, and most
dieticians are ones. And I've done a lot of healing
to where I'm more of a three and like a wing,
I could do like a wing of a one and
(11:03):
so high achieving, perfectionistic, and that combination is a perfect
storm for usually restrictive type eating disorders. And so I
think the piece of that is if I'm going to
do something, I'm going to do it really well, and
I'm going to do it right, and I'm going to
do it perfectly. And that is rooted from being a
kid and having to be well so that I didn't
(11:27):
affect my mom's own attitudes and beliefs, like I felt
responsible for her happiness. And so that's kind of where
it started. And then it morphed into the exercise and
the food, and it just like thrived. You know. It
was like taking the perfectionism that I already had and
then tying it into the food and exercise, and it
(11:49):
was like, if I'm not doing this perfectly, I don't
want to do it at all. But even as a kid,
like in middle school, I would spend hours in front
of the mirror trying to get that last loop be
out of my hair, and it was it was control
as well. There's like a lot of chaos in my upbringing,
so I had a that was like a control piece too.
(12:10):
What advice do you have for anybody else that tends
to have the perfection gene or they have this need
to control or for things to be perfect. Perfectionism I
think can show up in all kinds of ways. Yes,
but I could see how yeah, if you have any
disort of how they go hand in hand. But what
(12:31):
advice do you have for people or what's the place
to start other than like, you know, the obvious, like
seeking professional help, Like is there a tool or something
that you bust out from time to time if you
catch yourself slipping up? Yeah? You know, I think for
me uncovering it was was definitely in kind of a therapeutic,
peutic environment. And I had a supervisor, she was my
(12:51):
first boss when I was working eating disorder treatment center,
and she just said, your perfectionist stick as hell, and
it was sort of convicting, and I was like, yes,
I am. And perfectionism is a tool usually used to
get you out of something, so like, it has gotten
me a lot of places. A lot of my my
(13:12):
best success is rooted in the perfectionism, so like, it's
been a useful tool for me in some ways, and
it's also been toxic. So for me, it's uncovering. It
was in a therapeutic environment and what it boiled down
to with me understanding like why I am this way
based off of my upbringing and like family unit and
all of that, and so it took therapy to understand,
(13:37):
and then you know, it's okay to have for me,
to have someone to continue with some of my perfectionism,
I think it helps keep me rooted in some ways.
But I just have to say, like it's okay. It's
gonna sound crazy, but one of the most healing moments
I had my like Thanksgiving mantle was still up, but
(13:59):
I had had Christmas treat out. I didn't get all
of my thanks Giving away before I put the Christmas
treat out. The two things were up at the same time,
and I was like, this is healing, right, here because
it didn't have to be like perfectly thanksgiving them perfectly Christmas,
I'll wrapped up in two boats. And I know that
sounds so silly as I'm like saying it out loud,
(14:21):
but no, I think that that's an awesome tool. It's
sort of like when I entered recovery, I started allowing
things in my pantry that I never allowed before, and
I would sit and look at it and say, okay,
this is okay, this is okay for this to be here,
and I could see what the perfectionist brain that's probably
very difficult to sit and be okay with the fact
(14:44):
that Thanksgiving is still out while Christmas is still out.
I would never have that issue, by the way, would
be like whatever, I don't care, but I could see
her your brain. But that was an exercise, and I'm
sure the more times you find little moments in life
you can sit with it and it and be okay.
Then the feelings don't get as as out of control
(15:05):
and crazy. Again. It's that controlled thing like you would
immediately have to pack up the Thanksgiving and get it
out of there, and then then the Christmas would be okay.
But you were able to sit back and challenge yourself
a little bit and be okay with it. And I
could see through life how different examples either every day
or every week at least, there could be little things
that you just choose to be like, you know what,
(15:27):
perfectionists me wants to fix this right now, but I'm
just gonna go ahead and sit here with it and
it is going to be okay. Yeah. And also what
is somebody going to think if they come in the
house and there's Thanksgiving in Christmas up and also saying
like it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, yea, yeah,
or like you know, the food in the cabinet, Like
(15:48):
what would somebody think if they opened my cabinets all oreos?
Oh my gosh, that's so funny. You just said oreos
because that's our inside joke here on that ways that
we always orio And I was I wasn't going to
do it, but it's hilarious that purposefully it popped into
my brain a minute ago, and I just said stuff
in my pantry instead of using oreos because it's our
go to food. And I think that oreos is the
(16:11):
thing that comes up the most because that's just something
we all grew up with. It's a very common cookie
that most people love, and for whatever reason, we could
never have them in our pantry because if I had one,
I would have to eat the whole thing. Yeah, and
so that's why you just couldn't have them. And so
now when we bring up the oreos, we share that
there is hope and that I can now have the
(16:34):
oreos in my pantry and they may be there for
weeks at a time. I don't even think about them.
It's not a big deal. But that's not to say
if you're thinking about them a lot. I get that,
and those thoughts are real and they're valid, and that
is your that is your eating disorder. But there is
hope that you will get past that. I'm so glad
you brought it up because that you know, it is
(16:55):
part of my healing journey to too, because my family
is to call me the cookie monster. Why because I
would have one cookie and I would want to have
tim cookies because I only allowed myself to have cookies
in certain settings or in certain environments. And now I
can have whatever in the pantry for weeks, months, whatever
it is, and not even care about it, not even
(17:17):
realize it's in there forget that there's chocolate in the cabinet.
And part of that is, you know, healing the mind,
but the biggest part of that is healing the body.
So when we're out to quickly nourish throughout the day,
you know, our body doesn't like light up whenever we
have one cookie. Instead, we're adequately nourished, and we are
(17:39):
just so much more in control of saying like do
I want my cookie right now or do I really not?
Instead of oh, it's a cookie, I want. I want
one and I can't trust myself and I'm gonna have fifty.
So that was a huge part of my healing journey
to really have the ability to say like do I
want this or do I not? Either answers fine. Before
(18:01):
we wrap, I want to revisit a one organization or
website that you said when it came to the financial
piece of recovery. What was that one more time for people.
I don't work for this group or anything like that,
but we definitely lean on them a lot. When a
client is in need of financial support, it's called Project
Heal so UM they offer treatment scholarships for people who
(18:24):
are in need, and it need is the true piece
of the pie like they do financial betting and and
all of that to make sure that the client is
actually in need and so but yeah, project Heal, Well,
thank you for sharing that with us and bringing that
organization to our attention. I didn't know, and I'm sure,
like you said, there's other ones out there too. It
(18:45):
just may take a little time and research, but there
are recesss out there if you if it truly is
something you desire, but you legitimately don't have the funds,
and it really may take you sitting down to do
that research. Or on the other side, if you think
you can find the funds in your budget, you might
have to sit down and prioritize it. What are you
(19:07):
spending on this that I recently had to do a
whole budget and you would be surprised how much you
can find if you sit down with things and really
with a fine tooth column and go over all those
subscriptions that you have. What apps are you paying for?
How much are you spending on certain clothes or eating
out or insert whatever it is for you getting your
(19:29):
nails done. Maybe you start doing your nails yourself and
then slowly that money will start to add up. And
it will suddenly be there to where you can start
to you know, maybe afford that that therapy session that
you need a couple of times a month or something
so you have that support. But we're not saying that
it's easy and then it's just with the snap of
(19:49):
the finger, everybody can get the care that they need.
But this is just one way to try to help
you prioritize treatment for yourself and some sort of support.
So thank you Kayla for coming back, and she'll be
on next week for the third and final week with
Kayla as our expert mm HM
I won't let my body out out way everything that
I'm made do, won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me.
It's beautiful and then will always out way if you
(00:24):
feel it with joy. And there she's some love to
the boom. Let's say a good day and time did
you and die out Happy Saturday outweigh fam At. Kayla
Carson is back for week two. She's our expert. She's
a registered dietitian and nutritionist who has dedicated her life
(00:44):
to working with clients that are in eating disorder recovery
or at least trying to get there and pursue that. So, Kayla,
thank you for being our expert. Yeah, it's so good
to be here. And today we're gonna talk about prioritizing
recovery so really and financially. So when I say that,
people might be like, what does that even mean? I
(01:05):
don't know, And that's what Kayla is going to explain. Yeah,
so you know, recovery is all encompassing, and a lot
of times in eating disorder or disorder disordered eating is
also all encompassing. So if someone is, you know, living
there eating disorder or living in wellness culture, let's say
(01:25):
that that is they're part of their eating disordered disordered
eating pattern. It can look like changing up your routine,
changing up the people that you surround yourself with. You're
eating disorder might really thrive in that gym that you've
been a part of for years, and those might be
all of your friends. And you know, a good example
(01:45):
is someone I know she was going to on a
trip with her gym friends and said, what, I'm going
to cut my carbs out so that i can look
good for my beach trip with my gym friends. And
socially I challenged it. So that's part of my recovery
is challenging my friends disordered eating thoughts or toxic wellness
(02:09):
culture thoughts. And I said, well, is five pounds really
worth doing that to your body for the next few weeks?
And they're like, well, everybody else is gonna look really good,
And I thought, is that why your they're your friend?
Like is that meaningful to them that you look five
pounds different? And so it really kind of got that
conversation flowing. So socially, sometimes we have to step back
(02:34):
we might have to step back from friends who are
living in a disordered eating mindset as well, or it
looks like having really challenging conversations of hey, like, I
got to do this thing and it's gonna look a
lot different than what you know me as and I
want you to walk alongside me with that, and then
(02:54):
reassessing and reevaluating. If you have a friend who's constantly,
you know, on a diet or talking about their body,
or binge eating at night because they don't adequately nourished
during the day, or whatever it is, sometimes socially we
have to set boundaries. Yeah, and boundaries are not easy
to do in general, especially in recovering, especially if these
(03:15):
are friends that you like just because they're gym friends
and you've changed and we're using jim friends. I'll say
it in air quotes, because it could be your work friends.
It could be you know, your church friends, it could
be whatever group of friends that this it's like leaned
into diet type conversations. Or maybe you have a certain
group of friends where you'll only hang out when you're
working out. Maybe that's who you run with or who
(03:38):
you go lift weights with, or something I used to always,
and I feel bad for my friends. Luckily I'm not
this way anymore. But anytime I was scheduling something to
do with a friend, I tried to always make it
a workout because it was two for one. But it
was very selfish on my part because maybe that's not
what they wanted to do, but because they wanted to
spend time with me, they would. And it's like we
(04:00):
ever went out and had fun meals or anything. It
was more, okay, well, if we're going to hang out,
let's make sure we're running five miles and talking at
the same time. And so, you know, socially, if someone
was in recovery and hanging out with me, I would
be that friend that they might have to set a
boundary with or they maybe would have to just not
(04:21):
hang out with because their time with me would be
them not prioritizing their recovery, right, Yeah. And I mean
as a female, you get more than two females together usually,
and the conversation goes to weight loss and bodies within
ten minutes most of the time. And so there's been
(04:41):
some kind of like awkward interactions that I've had in
friend groups that are outside of like the eating disorder world.
You know, sometimes I think maybe people don't want to
be around me as as often because I'm like almost
like the language police, and I don't want to be
that way, like the buzz kill. But yeah, like watch that.
I'll just say, like, can we talk about something else?
(05:02):
If we're talking like internet and fasting comes up? Or
I need to lose this last ten pounds or whatever
it is, or my legs are getting whatever, I'll just
say like, can we talk about something else? Or like
do you think Vin said? And talk about this? Like
you know, and and so sometimes there are just like
social evolutions that happen when you're trying to keep yourself safe,
(05:23):
but you're also enlightened to where you want to share
it with your friends too, and occasionally that doesn't always
go the best. Something that just popped in my head too.
That's something to keep in mind if you happen to
be the one bringing up those types of comments where
you are picking yourself apart, but when you're in other
people's company again, like if they're trying there, maybe that's
(05:46):
not even on their radar. They're not even thinking about
their knees or their their legs or their arms or whatever.
But then they see you and you're starting to pick
apart your arms. Then instantly they're like, well, wait a second,
if she thinks something's wrong with terms, then what in
the world does she things wrong with my arms or
whatever that the case may be. Because I know I
used to bring up my arms all the time. That's
(06:07):
something I always just was self conscious about. And it
was from I think, passed down from my grandmother to
my mom to me. And I didn't realize even though
I'm like, no, no, I'm not talking about you, I'm
talking about me. But the simple act of me talking
about me and picking myself apart was causing people around
me to have negative thoughts that otherwise they would not
(06:29):
have had about themselves. And so it's another way to
think about just being cautious of what you're saying about
yourself around people. You don't want to plant that seed
in their head, right right? Yeah? And in in comments
about food, you know, like this one interaction I had
that sticks out as someone said, I screamed, is such
(06:49):
a weakness of mine? Is it a weakness of yours? Too?
And I thought, how many people? If you pull a
hundred people, how many do you think would say they
love ice cream, probably a hundred who doesn't. Something that
is so normal is looked at as a weakness, but
because of diet culture. And it's like, what if we
just said I love ice cream, it's really yummy and
(07:13):
took the guilt and a shame away from it for
something that is so normal, Like everybody lives ice cream,
So why are we look are we shameful about it? Right?
And it takes the power away like ice cream shouldn't
be that powerful, right at all? Whatsoever? So let's go
to the financial side of prioritizing recovery. Yeah, I mean
eating disorder care is expensive, can be really expensive. I
(07:37):
think access to care is becoming much more common. They
are providers who are taking insurance. They are providers who
are taking even Medicare and Medicaid, which is really amazing
because we know one of the truths about eating disorders
is that it isn't only affecting high sits to economic people.
And so for someone with an eating disorder, and eating
(07:57):
disorder is a disease just like diabetes. The so, for example,
if you had to purchase insulin to stay alive, you
would buy your insulin, whereas sometimes with eating disorders. The
clients will look at it as an option of well,
I'm gonna not see my therapists as often as I
need to, I'm not going to see my dietician as
often as I need to, or I just can't you know,
(08:19):
pay for that deductible for my insurance, or you know,
I can't meet my out of pockets. Just too expensive.
So while there are resources available, you know, Project Heal
is a resource for financial support, there's plenty of others.
I often see people who are very much living out
a full blow needing disorder have sought out help and
(08:43):
said that they can't afford it, but then their lifestyle
suggests otherwise, driving luxury vehicles, you know, doing a lot
of a lot of expensive like facial treatments that very
that could easily have paid for their deductible for their insurance,
going on labish vacations for the Instagram, just a lot
of things that if I do these things, then I'll
(09:05):
feel better about myself and I won't need the eating
disorder care. I think that's part of the message. And
then the other part is we're just in the insecurity
of needing a lot of external validation. So I'm going
to spend my money on all of these things that
people will like me because I have you know, a
BMW or whatever. In the meantime, they're extremely sick in
(09:27):
not getting the care that they need, So prioritizing recovery
can look a lot like spending the money for their therapists,
for their dietitian, for their medication, for treatment, and saying
notice some of these other, you know, luxury items. And
that's something that burns in me quite a bit when
(09:48):
I just want to say, like no, like don't spend
that money on whatever it is. Facials, like go to treatment,
get care. You're gonna be your life was going to
be so much more open and happy. Yeah, just more fulfilling.
It's a better Like the word we're using is prioritizing,
but it's just the bang for your book, like your
your return on investment is so much more. You mentioned
(10:18):
last week that perfectionism is something that you struggle with.
How did that play into your eating disorder? So a
lot of eating disorders are rooted in this perfectionism. And
it's basically like if I can show up in a
perfect body, with perfect hair and perfect makeup, and people
are going to like me, Like that's half the battle,
(10:41):
and then I have to perform and I have to do,
you know, all the other things. So like when I
take the Angiograham tests, if you're familiar, I think most
people are. I used to be a one, and most
dieticians are ones. And I've done a lot of healing
to where I'm more of a three and like a wing,
I could do like a wing of a one and
(11:03):
so high achieving, perfectionistic, and that combination is a perfect
storm for usually restrictive type eating disorders. And so I
think the piece of that is if I'm going to
do something, I'm going to do it really well, and
I'm going to do it right, and I'm going to
do it perfectly. And that is rooted from being a
kid and having to be well so that I didn't
(11:27):
affect my mom's own attitudes and beliefs, like I felt
responsible for her happiness. And so that's kind of where
it started. And then it morphed into the exercise and
the food, and it just like thrived. You know. It
was like taking the perfectionism that I already had and
then tying it into the food and exercise, and it
(11:49):
was like, if I'm not doing this perfectly, I don't
want to do it at all. But even as a kid,
like in middle school, I would spend hours in front
of the mirror trying to get that last loop be
out of my hair, and it was it was control
as well. There's like a lot of chaos in my upbringing,
so I had a that was like a control piece too.
(12:10):
What advice do you have for anybody else that tends
to have the perfection gene or they have this need
to control or for things to be perfect. Perfectionism I
think can show up in all kinds of ways. Yes,
but I could see how yeah, if you have any
disort of how they go hand in hand. But what
(12:31):
advice do you have for people or what's the place
to start other than like, you know, the obvious, like
seeking professional help, Like is there a tool or something
that you bust out from time to time if you
catch yourself slipping up? Yeah? You know, I think for
me uncovering it was was definitely in kind of a therapeutic,
peutic environment. And I had a supervisor, she was my
(12:51):
first boss when I was working eating disorder treatment center,
and she just said, your perfectionist stick as hell, and
it was sort of convicting, and I was like, yes,
I am. And perfectionism is a tool usually used to
get you out of something, so like, it has gotten
me a lot of places. A lot of my my
(13:12):
best success is rooted in the perfectionism, so like, it's
been a useful tool for me in some ways, and
it's also been toxic. So for me, it's uncovering. It
was in a therapeutic environment and what it boiled down
to with me understanding like why I am this way
based off of my upbringing and like family unit and
all of that, and so it took therapy to understand,
(13:37):
and then you know, it's okay to have for me,
to have someone to continue with some of my perfectionism,
I think it helps keep me rooted in some ways.
But I just have to say, like it's okay. It's
gonna sound crazy, but one of the most healing moments
I had my like Thanksgiving mantle was still up, but
(13:59):
I had had Christmas treat out. I didn't get all
of my thanks Giving away before I put the Christmas
treat out. The two things were up at the same time,
and I was like, this is healing, right, here because
it didn't have to be like perfectly thanksgiving them perfectly Christmas,
I'll wrapped up in two boats. And I know that
sounds so silly as I'm like saying it out loud,
(14:21):
but no, I think that that's an awesome tool. It's
sort of like when I entered recovery, I started allowing
things in my pantry that I never allowed before, and
I would sit and look at it and say, okay,
this is okay, this is okay for this to be here,
and I could see what the perfectionist brain that's probably
very difficult to sit and be okay with the fact
(14:44):
that Thanksgiving is still out while Christmas is still out.
I would never have that issue, by the way, would
be like whatever, I don't care, but I could see
her your brain. But that was an exercise, and I'm
sure the more times you find little moments in life
you can sit with it and it and be okay.
Then the feelings don't get as as out of control
(15:05):
and crazy. Again. It's that controlled thing like you would
immediately have to pack up the Thanksgiving and get it
out of there, and then then the Christmas would be okay.
But you were able to sit back and challenge yourself
a little bit and be okay with it. And I
could see through life how different examples either every day
or every week at least, there could be little things
that you just choose to be like, you know what,
(15:27):
perfectionists me wants to fix this right now, but I'm
just gonna go ahead and sit here with it and
it is going to be okay. Yeah. And also what
is somebody going to think if they come in the
house and there's Thanksgiving in Christmas up and also saying
like it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, yea, yeah,
or like you know, the food in the cabinet, Like
(15:48):
what would somebody think if they opened my cabinets all oreos?
Oh my gosh, that's so funny. You just said oreos
because that's our inside joke here on that ways that
we always orio And I was I wasn't going to
do it, but it's hilarious that purposefully it popped into
my brain a minute ago, and I just said stuff
in my pantry instead of using oreos because it's our
go to food. And I think that oreos is the
(16:11):
thing that comes up the most because that's just something
we all grew up with. It's a very common cookie
that most people love, and for whatever reason, we could
never have them in our pantry because if I had one,
I would have to eat the whole thing. Yeah, and
so that's why you just couldn't have them. And so
now when we bring up the oreos, we share that
there is hope and that I can now have the
(16:34):
oreos in my pantry and they may be there for
weeks at a time. I don't even think about them.
It's not a big deal. But that's not to say
if you're thinking about them a lot. I get that,
and those thoughts are real and they're valid, and that
is your that is your eating disorder. But there is
hope that you will get past that. I'm so glad
you brought it up because that you know, it is
(16:55):
part of my healing journey to too, because my family
is to call me the cookie monster. Why because I
would have one cookie and I would want to have
tim cookies because I only allowed myself to have cookies
in certain settings or in certain environments. And now I
can have whatever in the pantry for weeks, months, whatever
it is, and not even care about it, not even
(17:17):
realize it's in there forget that there's chocolate in the cabinet.
And part of that is, you know, healing the mind,
but the biggest part of that is healing the body.
So when we're out to quickly nourish throughout the day,
you know, our body doesn't like light up whenever we
have one cookie. Instead, we're adequately nourished, and we are
(17:39):
just so much more in control of saying like do
I want my cookie right now or do I really not?
Instead of oh, it's a cookie, I want. I want
one and I can't trust myself and I'm gonna have fifty.
So that was a huge part of my healing journey
to really have the ability to say like do I
want this or do I not? Either answers fine. Before
(18:01):
we wrap, I want to revisit a one organization or
website that you said when it came to the financial
piece of recovery. What was that one more time for people.
I don't work for this group or anything like that,
but we definitely lean on them a lot. When a
client is in need of financial support, it's called Project
Heal so UM they offer treatment scholarships for people who
(18:24):
are in need, and it need is the true piece
of the pie like they do financial betting and and
all of that to make sure that the client is
actually in need and so but yeah, project Heal, Well,
thank you for sharing that with us and bringing that
organization to our attention. I didn't know, and I'm sure,
like you said, there's other ones out there too. It
(18:45):
just may take a little time and research, but there
are recesss out there if you if it truly is
something you desire, but you legitimately don't have the funds,
and it really may take you sitting down to do
that research. Or on the other side, if you think
you can find the funds in your budget, you might
have to sit down and prioritize it. What are you
(19:07):
spending on this that I recently had to do a
whole budget and you would be surprised how much you
can find if you sit down with things and really
with a fine tooth column and go over all those
subscriptions that you have. What apps are you paying for?
How much are you spending on certain clothes or eating
out or insert whatever it is for you getting your
(19:29):
nails done. Maybe you start doing your nails yourself and
then slowly that money will start to add up. And
it will suddenly be there to where you can start
to you know, maybe afford that that therapy session that
you need a couple of times a month or something
so you have that support. But we're not saying that
it's easy and then it's just with the snap of
(19:49):
the finger, everybody can get the care that they need.
But this is just one way to try to help
you prioritize treatment for yourself and some sort of support.
So thank you Kayla for coming back, and she'll be
on next week for the third and final week with
Kayla as our expert mm HM
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