December 17, 2022 • 18 mins
OUTWEIGH: Amy’s expert guest today is Blake Blankenbecler - a psychodynamic therapist specializing in anxiety, trauma, and eating disorders. Out of her work emerged a desire to study friendships. She believes that life is meant to be lived in connection and helps friends have more meaningful conversations and create more sustainable friendships. Blake recently released The Friendship Deck, a conversation game for friends who are craving more depth and intimacy with each other that can be purchased at www.thefriendshipdeck.com!
Blake has a private practice, Fig Holistic Psychotherapy in Charleston, South Carolina where she gets to help folks come into greater compassion and integration with their story, their body, and their emotions. You can also find her on instagram @blakeblankenbecler and tiktok at @blakeblankenbecler.lpc
Best places to find more about Amy: RadioAmy.com + @RadioAmy
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out out way. Everything that
I'm made don't won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
It's beautiful and then will always out way if you
(00:24):
feel it with your hands in the air, She'll love
to the food there. Let's say good day and did
June and die out? Happy Saturday? Outweigh fam Amy here
and my guest today is Blake Blake and beccar Lure. Shoot. Okay,
thought I was gonna get it, but Blake, why don't
(00:45):
you say it? It is a mouthful. It's Blake Blank
and Beclay. But I'm so glad to get I'm so
glad to have you on. I learned about you through
Cat Defada, who's a licensed therapist that has been on
Our Way before but also co hosts The Fifth Thing
on my Four Things podcast, And it was on one
of those episodes that I first learned about you because
(01:07):
she actually brought your Friendship deck to my house and
we did it on like as we were recording, and
so we're going to talk about friendship and eating to
sort of recovery and I want you to talk about
these cards too, and why you came up with them,
why you're so passionate about friendship, and then yes, how
(01:30):
that ties into eating to sort of recovery for you?
Oh my gosh, absolutely, well I can start up first. Yeah,
I'm one of the very many people that are in recovery,
and I just found that, you know, I look at
I even in my work as a therapist, there's so
many symbolic pieces of what happens, kind of the behaviors
and the things that you do. They're so symbolic of
(01:53):
you know, hiding or withholding or not from being honest,
or feeling like you can't really be your full authentic self,
especially with your friends. And so I really wanted to
create something that was like very easy and tangible and
could be immediately brought into friends groups to start talking
about the harder things and even talk about like how
do we care for each other? How like are there
(02:14):
things that you need that I don't know about when
you have a hard day, How do you like to
be cared for? Because I think a lot of us
assume that we know, but then when we hear from
our friends directly, it's really great insights so that we
can know, oh, when my friend is having a hard day,
like she really needs me to show up this way
versus this way that's more natural for me. So it's
(02:35):
really fun and it's been fun to see so many
friends literally all over the country getting to have these
really like rich, curious conversations. Yeah, I think sometimes our
go to is, well, this is what I would need
when I'm having a hard day, So I'm gonna expect
others to do what I would do, and right they
might not know actually how to do that for you
(02:57):
or you for them, And so this signites that converse
station absolutely, And so what would you say is one
of the things, or I'm sure there's multiple actually, but
let's talk about what pops up for people when it
comes to friendships and eating disorder recovery. Like, something that
immediately pops into my mind is how I was the
friend and my friend group or with some I have
(03:19):
different friend groups, but I was the one with the
eating disorder. And I even put my sister in that
group because she's one of my best friends. But I
think of how my eating disorder affected them and their
opportunity to enjoy food and really connect with me because
I didn't have the capacity or the space for that.
(03:40):
So it's interesting in recovery to now have room for it.
So that's something that pops up in my mind that
is very freeing in recovery, is the connection piece and
the joy and the bonding over a good meal. Like
even Cat I think of her and I met her
in recovery, so she didn't see this oied of me
that was like, Oh, let's just go get a green
(04:03):
juice and that's all we're gonna eat, you know. But
we were in New York a couple of weeks ago,
and her family has an Italian restaurant there, and it
was so fun to just be able to go and
order everything on the menu that looked amazing and try
it all and still be able to engage in the
conversation because my brain wasn't running a mile a minute
(04:24):
thinking about what I just ate or how it's going
to work out the next day or whatever the case
may be. Right. I love that food memory, and I
hope it brings people even listening thinking about their own
food memories of when they were, you know, in the
throws and they're eating disorder versus what they get to
joy now. I do a lot of somatic work in
my therapy practice from a big proponent of even starting
(04:46):
to notice what it feels like in your body to
be around certain friends. So even just noticing there are
friends that feel so good and so safe to be with.
I call them exhale friends, Like your body just feels
like it can do a full body exhale and it
feels really safe. And the beautiful thing is that our
body actually changes, like when we when we're in our
(05:08):
window of tolerance, meaning you know the therapeutic jargon word,
our rest and digest functions are actually on so that
we're able to better enjoy food and be more social
and exactly what you shared about at that Italian meal,
like you're able to be present and also taste the food.
When we're in those really anxious spaces, are really hyper vigilant,
(05:30):
even both as the person with the eating just sort
of but also the person you know, like you explained
the people impacted, you're not in that space where you're
able to enjoy as much and just kind of exhale
and be present, and so just noticing who are the
people that you can be present with and that help
(05:51):
your body feel safe. That's actually gonna make it easier
and more fun to eat and engage. And then who
are the people that might bring up more anxiety around it,
around or just anxiety in your body and noticing, okay,
I can make some shifts, maybe they're not the people
that I'm going to do food related activities with. Um So,
just being really like mindful and cognizant of who you're
(06:15):
with what your body feels like is always so helpful.
You know, you mentioned listening to your body, and I
don't really feel like our bodies might scream at us
with every single relationship we encounter. But sometimes if we
just feel something, and this has nothing to do with
eating disorder recovery or food or anything, but if you
(06:37):
feel something, what can we do to to pay attention
to it or sort of test that out? Because I
think sometimes it's like, oh, well, something doesn't feel right,
but oh well, like I don't really know what to
do with what I'm feeling, so I'm just gonna, you know,
not ignore it because it feels weird to me to
not be able to just you know, connect with certain people,
(06:57):
and like I start to evaluate, well, what's wrong with me?
But maybe it has nothing to do with me. Gosh.
I mean, I know that you said it doesn't connect
with the eating disorder. But I look at all of
these different parts of people who are you know, who
struggle with eating disorders. I look at the family system
that they come from. I look at even just the
(07:19):
act of disconnecting from your hunger cues or disconnecting from
fullness cues and not really having that knowing. And so
when you are coming into recovery, beginning to have these
little inklings in your body of like, oh there's some
tightness in my chest or my stomach gets really nervous
when I'm around this particular person. I think it's so
(07:41):
common for a lot of people to be like, that's
just me. Something's wrong with me, Like I just need
to get stronger, or I need to, you know, just
not be so sensitive. And what I think is actually
the more beautiful thing to do, and the more honoring things,
is to use your sensitivity, like do not get rid
of it. So much work is at actually noticing there
are certain people that your body will give you dada
(08:04):
about that are just not safe to be in relationship with.
And we don't have to call them bad people. We
don't have to call them toxic people. It's just for
whatever reason. I mean, there are probably a lot of
reasons this person your body gets really tight around, gets
really clinched around, and we get to listen to those cues.
And certainly there's some times where I'm thinking of good
(08:26):
friendships that I've had where that starts to show up,
and there's something that you can do, Like you can
actually start talking to your friend about it, Like, Hey,
I feel a little anxious when I'm talking to you
about say this is that okay with you? Um? Is
there something that I need know? Like, you can have
the to remember that you can have some candid dialogue
(08:47):
with your friends about it if it feels safe, and
certainly sometimes it's not. And knowing that will take courage
to start, you know, to start those conversations, but they're
so worth it. Yeah, that's huge, and I'm glad that
you do. It. Circled back to the eating disorder piece
because now that I think about it, whenever I was
really deep into my eating disorder, I was numb to
(09:07):
so much so I don't even know that my cues
were firing off to how I felt. Probably situations because
I was just barely even mentally there. I look at,
you know, all of the behaviors of the eating disorders,
(09:28):
like they are rooted in some type of wisdom. Are
they good for you? Ultimately no, but all coping mechanisms
are rooted in wisdom, and so looking at okay, it
was probably really important in your I mean, I'm sure
a lot of people listening here like, oh my gosh,
I was totally disconnected, or maybe they're feeling that way now,
Like there's probably a lot of wisdom and protection, and
(09:49):
it was really important that you stayed disconnected for whatever reasons,
and then your recovery it wasn't really important that you
start connecting these pieces and for other people to do
that as well. Yeah, that's what helps release any shame
that I felt around it. It's like, oh wow, I
was doing the best that I could to take care
of myself during that season, and that was my way
(10:12):
of coping and just having compassion for yourself and that
even if it might be another addiction or thing you
have going on. I have others in my life that
have coped in other ways, and while it can be
very frustrating knowing what I've been through and then opening
myself up to knowing, Wow, that was literally just their
(10:33):
way of trying to deal with all of this stuff. Yes,
it's all. We all have different ways to say, you know,
to stay like safe and protected in this world. And
for a lot of us it was eating disorders. For
a lot of us, it's different things, but ultimately it's
all the same. So I love Yeah. I think that
compassion piece is so so important, And so the friendship
(10:53):
deck dot Com is where the cards can be found.
And I feel like this be such a good gift
for friends in your life or even just ordering it
for yourself if you are journeying out of recovery and
finally open to certain connection, Like you could use it
with your friends, like invite some girlfriends over and be
(11:15):
like hey, or one friend and be're like, hey, got
an activity and we can do this, or gifted to
some of your friends and see if that sparks some conversation.
Because connection is something I was lacking for so long,
and I'm about to enter three years of recovery and
I thank you, and I have been working really hard
(11:39):
on being intentional with connection, and I feel like these
types of cards are a beautiful way to do that,
especially when it doesn't necessarily come naturally to you, right,
I mean it's really I look at it. So much
of like so much of recovery was real learning to
how to you will and really nourish my body, and
(12:02):
then also looking at the emotional nourishment, it's learning how
to emotionally nourish and fuel my body and soul. And
so that's part of what these cards do is just
creating space for a connection. I think it is a
great gift. It's a great thing to do for holidays too,
because it's so busy, it's so hectic, and there's lots
of small talk that to know, like you can create
(12:22):
a space whether it's one friend or you know, like
eight friends, and you can have these conversations and walk
away being like I feel so nourished, Like I know
my friends better, they know me better. That just feels
really important because I think connection is such a pivotal
piece of recovery. Like you're naming, Yeah, I love that
you said emotional nourishment. I don't know that I personally
(12:45):
have heard that before. It makes sense, and maybe I've
heard it phrased another way. But I love saying it
that way emotional nourishment. Maybe all be open to that,
because I mean, yeah, that's something that's that I to
like get, at least for me, was turned off for
so so, so many years. What about the friendship deck
(13:07):
being used with significant others? Is that a thing? Totally? Yes, No,
it is absolutely a thing. I have played it and
have had friends play it with partners. It is it's
meant to be a co ed game, so certainly it's
more you know, female centric, but absolutely it's been really
fun to play with partners and spouses and even hearing.
(13:28):
I think that men need this space too, to have
space to be curious and thoughtful and hear things. I
mean it was yeah thinking a few weeks ago, getting
to play around the fire um with some great friends
of ours and my husband was so fun. So yes,
it is absolutely all all genders welcome. I mean that's
got to feel like a really cool moment something you
created and being able to share it in that way
(13:49):
with your people, It's pretty wild. Sometimes I'm like, I
am just proud that I actually finished something. When did
you first have the idea? Like? How many years ago?
I probably had it around to two us years ago
we were coming out of We lived in Austin for
just a year. It was so lonely. I mean, COVID
was happening, and I really I was just seeing clients
(14:10):
and I was like, I want to create something tangible
that is off the computer screen that people can hold.
And I just was thinking and hearing from working all
over the country, hearing a lot about people having different friendships,
having different friendship problems, not being able to talk about
the problems that can be found in friendships that are
really normal, and I was like, there's something here, like,
(14:32):
let's create something just for friends to talk about the
good parts, the hard parts, the messy parts, um. And
so it took about a year to develop, and it's here.
I just went to the website and embold It says,
if you're craving more realness and authenticity in your friendships
but don't know where to start, the Friendship Deck is
for you. It is thoughtfully designed for you with sixty
(14:54):
two questions and three levels of increasing vulnerability to help
guide you and your friends. Is to greater intimacy with
more ease. So I love too that there's levels, because
not every relationship is at level one, two, or three, Yes,
we want to ease And I did not want to
create trauma bonding or someone feeling like, oh my god,
I have to share my deepest, darkest secrets in anyways,
(15:16):
I really wanted to create something that was like safe
and gentle to ease you and your trends in and
your license therapist. I know you've mentioned your practice a
couple of times, but just reiterating that for anyone that
I just like to that it's designed with that type
of thinking because you know what relationship you focus on
(15:37):
that in your practice, you know what emotional nourishment would
look like and in a healthy way, like you said,
without the knowing that like, hey, I got to offer
a level one because I mean even saying the word
trauma bond, like sometimes people would be like I could
really have that with a friend. It's a playful word,
but it is a it is something that can happen
of just feeling like going, you know, straight to the
(16:00):
deep end and sharing all of this. And I'm actually
a fan of really slowing things down so that you
can build some emotional safety to hold the weight of
your stories. My friend said to me the other day,
she's actually been my friends since I was thirteen, and
she lives She lives in Austin, and she just moved
to a new neighborhood and was meeting some new friends
(16:21):
and she said that she is really moving slow though,
because she's a very social, outgoing person. But she's like,
I don't want to microwave my friendships anymore. I want
to basically put them in the oven and let him
going in. I thought the oven, I cook it slow.
And I thought, oh, I had not thought of it
that way, because sometimes you just jump in to a
(16:44):
relationship so quick, and then you were like, oh, whoa,
this actually probably wasn't a good fit for me, but
it like got to it cooked a little too fast. Yes, Yes,
A big fan of just even slowing. Yeah, slowing things down,
taking your time, knowing you don't have to become best
friends overnight. And yeah, like any relationship, good friendship takes time,
(17:06):
so be patient. Yea. And along the same lines of
that is, recovery takes time too, so be patient with that.
And I love that we were able to tie in
recovery and friendship. And again, people can check out the
friendship Deck. The website is the friendship deck dot com
and then that just converts over to your website as well.
(17:27):
So there's my website where they can't find find me.
You can find more information about my practice and social
media all that, all that good stuff. Yeah, you're on
Instagram and TikTok and you're located in Charleston. Yes, in Charleston,
South Carolina, which is so fun. I want to go there.
Do you ever see the Southern charm people? You know?
I you see them filming quite quite a lot, and
(17:48):
then you see all the places that they go. It's
very fun of it. Maybe you need to get a
friendship deck on the episode they could use some of that.
They definitely could. It was cringe e watching at the season.
I was like, people, come on, I know, well, like,
thank you so much, and yeah, I'll have to have
you on this is outweigh obviously, but I think that
(18:09):
there's a conversation here that we could do on my
four Things podcast as well. I love that so much.
Thank you for having me. Yes, okay, well don't forget people.
You can check it out the friendship deck dot com.
Thank you like you got it.
I won't let my body out out way. Everything that
I'm made don't won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
It's beautiful and then will always out way if you
(00:24):
feel it with your hands in the air, She'll love
to the food there. Let's say good day and did
June and die out? Happy Saturday? Outweigh fam Amy here
and my guest today is Blake Blake and beccar Lure. Shoot. Okay,
thought I was gonna get it, but Blake, why don't
(00:45):
you say it? It is a mouthful. It's Blake Blank
and Beclay. But I'm so glad to get I'm so
glad to have you on. I learned about you through
Cat Defada, who's a licensed therapist that has been on
Our Way before but also co hosts The Fifth Thing
on my Four Things podcast, And it was on one
of those episodes that I first learned about you because
(01:07):
she actually brought your Friendship deck to my house and
we did it on like as we were recording, and
so we're going to talk about friendship and eating to
sort of recovery and I want you to talk about
these cards too, and why you came up with them,
why you're so passionate about friendship, and then yes, how
(01:30):
that ties into eating to sort of recovery for you?
Oh my gosh, absolutely, well I can start up first. Yeah,
I'm one of the very many people that are in recovery,
and I just found that, you know, I look at
I even in my work as a therapist, there's so
many symbolic pieces of what happens, kind of the behaviors
and the things that you do. They're so symbolic of
(01:53):
you know, hiding or withholding or not from being honest,
or feeling like you can't really be your full authentic self,
especially with your friends. And so I really wanted to
create something that was like very easy and tangible and
could be immediately brought into friends groups to start talking
about the harder things and even talk about like how
do we care for each other? How like are there
(02:14):
things that you need that I don't know about when
you have a hard day, How do you like to
be cared for? Because I think a lot of us
assume that we know, but then when we hear from
our friends directly, it's really great insights so that we
can know, oh, when my friend is having a hard day,
like she really needs me to show up this way
versus this way that's more natural for me. So it's
(02:35):
really fun and it's been fun to see so many
friends literally all over the country getting to have these
really like rich, curious conversations. Yeah, I think sometimes our
go to is, well, this is what I would need
when I'm having a hard day, So I'm gonna expect
others to do what I would do, and right they
might not know actually how to do that for you
(02:57):
or you for them, And so this signites that converse
station absolutely, And so what would you say is one
of the things, or I'm sure there's multiple actually, but
let's talk about what pops up for people when it
comes to friendships and eating disorder recovery. Like, something that
immediately pops into my mind is how I was the
friend and my friend group or with some I have
(03:19):
different friend groups, but I was the one with the
eating disorder. And I even put my sister in that
group because she's one of my best friends. But I
think of how my eating disorder affected them and their
opportunity to enjoy food and really connect with me because
I didn't have the capacity or the space for that.
(03:40):
So it's interesting in recovery to now have room for it.
So that's something that pops up in my mind that
is very freeing in recovery, is the connection piece and
the joy and the bonding over a good meal. Like
even Cat I think of her and I met her
in recovery, so she didn't see this oied of me
that was like, Oh, let's just go get a green
(04:03):
juice and that's all we're gonna eat, you know. But
we were in New York a couple of weeks ago,
and her family has an Italian restaurant there, and it
was so fun to just be able to go and
order everything on the menu that looked amazing and try
it all and still be able to engage in the
conversation because my brain wasn't running a mile a minute
(04:24):
thinking about what I just ate or how it's going
to work out the next day or whatever the case
may be. Right. I love that food memory, and I
hope it brings people even listening thinking about their own
food memories of when they were, you know, in the
throws and they're eating disorder versus what they get to
joy now. I do a lot of somatic work in
my therapy practice from a big proponent of even starting
(04:46):
to notice what it feels like in your body to
be around certain friends. So even just noticing there are
friends that feel so good and so safe to be with.
I call them exhale friends, Like your body just feels
like it can do a full body exhale and it
feels really safe. And the beautiful thing is that our
body actually changes, like when we when we're in our
(05:08):
window of tolerance, meaning you know the therapeutic jargon word,
our rest and digest functions are actually on so that
we're able to better enjoy food and be more social
and exactly what you shared about at that Italian meal,
like you're able to be present and also taste the food.
When we're in those really anxious spaces, are really hyper vigilant,
(05:30):
even both as the person with the eating just sort
of but also the person you know, like you explained
the people impacted, you're not in that space where you're
able to enjoy as much and just kind of exhale
and be present, and so just noticing who are the
people that you can be present with and that help
(05:51):
your body feel safe. That's actually gonna make it easier
and more fun to eat and engage. And then who
are the people that might bring up more anxiety around it,
around or just anxiety in your body and noticing, okay,
I can make some shifts, maybe they're not the people
that I'm going to do food related activities with. Um So,
just being really like mindful and cognizant of who you're
(06:15):
with what your body feels like is always so helpful.
You know, you mentioned listening to your body, and I
don't really feel like our bodies might scream at us
with every single relationship we encounter. But sometimes if we
just feel something, and this has nothing to do with
eating disorder recovery or food or anything, but if you
(06:37):
feel something, what can we do to to pay attention
to it or sort of test that out? Because I
think sometimes it's like, oh, well, something doesn't feel right,
but oh well, like I don't really know what to
do with what I'm feeling, so I'm just gonna, you know,
not ignore it because it feels weird to me to
not be able to just you know, connect with certain people,
(06:57):
and like I start to evaluate, well, what's wrong with me?
But maybe it has nothing to do with me. Gosh.
I mean, I know that you said it doesn't connect
with the eating disorder. But I look at all of
these different parts of people who are you know, who
struggle with eating disorders. I look at the family system
that they come from. I look at even just the
(07:19):
act of disconnecting from your hunger cues or disconnecting from
fullness cues and not really having that knowing. And so
when you are coming into recovery, beginning to have these
little inklings in your body of like, oh there's some
tightness in my chest or my stomach gets really nervous
when I'm around this particular person. I think it's so
(07:41):
common for a lot of people to be like, that's
just me. Something's wrong with me, Like I just need
to get stronger, or I need to, you know, just
not be so sensitive. And what I think is actually
the more beautiful thing to do, and the more honoring things,
is to use your sensitivity, like do not get rid
of it. So much work is at actually noticing there
are certain people that your body will give you dada
(08:04):
about that are just not safe to be in relationship with.
And we don't have to call them bad people. We
don't have to call them toxic people. It's just for
whatever reason. I mean, there are probably a lot of
reasons this person your body gets really tight around, gets
really clinched around, and we get to listen to those cues.
And certainly there's some times where I'm thinking of good
(08:26):
friendships that I've had where that starts to show up,
and there's something that you can do, Like you can
actually start talking to your friend about it, Like, Hey,
I feel a little anxious when I'm talking to you
about say this is that okay with you? Um? Is
there something that I need know? Like, you can have
the to remember that you can have some candid dialogue
(08:47):
with your friends about it if it feels safe, and
certainly sometimes it's not. And knowing that will take courage
to start, you know, to start those conversations, but they're
so worth it. Yeah, that's huge, and I'm glad that
you do. It. Circled back to the eating disorder piece
because now that I think about it, whenever I was
really deep into my eating disorder, I was numb to
(09:07):
so much so I don't even know that my cues
were firing off to how I felt. Probably situations because
I was just barely even mentally there. I look at,
you know, all of the behaviors of the eating disorders,
(09:28):
like they are rooted in some type of wisdom. Are
they good for you? Ultimately no, but all coping mechanisms
are rooted in wisdom, and so looking at okay, it
was probably really important in your I mean, I'm sure
a lot of people listening here like, oh my gosh,
I was totally disconnected, or maybe they're feeling that way now,
Like there's probably a lot of wisdom and protection, and
(09:49):
it was really important that you stayed disconnected for whatever reasons,
and then your recovery it wasn't really important that you
start connecting these pieces and for other people to do
that as well. Yeah, that's what helps release any shame
that I felt around it. It's like, oh wow, I
was doing the best that I could to take care
of myself during that season, and that was my way
(10:12):
of coping and just having compassion for yourself and that
even if it might be another addiction or thing you
have going on. I have others in my life that
have coped in other ways, and while it can be
very frustrating knowing what I've been through and then opening
myself up to knowing, Wow, that was literally just their
(10:33):
way of trying to deal with all of this stuff. Yes,
it's all. We all have different ways to say, you know,
to stay like safe and protected in this world. And
for a lot of us it was eating disorders. For
a lot of us, it's different things, but ultimately it's
all the same. So I love Yeah. I think that
compassion piece is so so important, And so the friendship
(10:53):
deck dot Com is where the cards can be found.
And I feel like this be such a good gift
for friends in your life or even just ordering it
for yourself if you are journeying out of recovery and
finally open to certain connection, Like you could use it
with your friends, like invite some girlfriends over and be
(11:15):
like hey, or one friend and be're like, hey, got
an activity and we can do this, or gifted to
some of your friends and see if that sparks some conversation.
Because connection is something I was lacking for so long,
and I'm about to enter three years of recovery and
I thank you, and I have been working really hard
(11:39):
on being intentional with connection, and I feel like these
types of cards are a beautiful way to do that,
especially when it doesn't necessarily come naturally to you, right,
I mean it's really I look at it. So much
of like so much of recovery was real learning to
how to you will and really nourish my body, and
(12:02):
then also looking at the emotional nourishment, it's learning how
to emotionally nourish and fuel my body and soul. And
so that's part of what these cards do is just
creating space for a connection. I think it is a
great gift. It's a great thing to do for holidays too,
because it's so busy, it's so hectic, and there's lots
of small talk that to know, like you can create
(12:22):
a space whether it's one friend or you know, like
eight friends, and you can have these conversations and walk
away being like I feel so nourished, Like I know
my friends better, they know me better. That just feels
really important because I think connection is such a pivotal
piece of recovery. Like you're naming, Yeah, I love that
you said emotional nourishment. I don't know that I personally
(12:45):
have heard that before. It makes sense, and maybe I've
heard it phrased another way. But I love saying it
that way emotional nourishment. Maybe all be open to that,
because I mean, yeah, that's something that's that I to
like get, at least for me, was turned off for
so so, so many years. What about the friendship deck
(13:07):
being used with significant others? Is that a thing? Totally? Yes, No,
it is absolutely a thing. I have played it and
have had friends play it with partners. It is it's
meant to be a co ed game, so certainly it's
more you know, female centric, but absolutely it's been really
fun to play with partners and spouses and even hearing.
(13:28):
I think that men need this space too, to have
space to be curious and thoughtful and hear things. I
mean it was yeah thinking a few weeks ago, getting
to play around the fire um with some great friends
of ours and my husband was so fun. So yes,
it is absolutely all all genders welcome. I mean that's
got to feel like a really cool moment something you
created and being able to share it in that way
(13:49):
with your people, It's pretty wild. Sometimes I'm like, I
am just proud that I actually finished something. When did
you first have the idea? Like? How many years ago?
I probably had it around to two us years ago
we were coming out of We lived in Austin for
just a year. It was so lonely. I mean, COVID
was happening, and I really I was just seeing clients
(14:10):
and I was like, I want to create something tangible
that is off the computer screen that people can hold.
And I just was thinking and hearing from working all
over the country, hearing a lot about people having different friendships,
having different friendship problems, not being able to talk about
the problems that can be found in friendships that are
really normal, and I was like, there's something here, like,
(14:32):
let's create something just for friends to talk about the
good parts, the hard parts, the messy parts, um. And
so it took about a year to develop, and it's here.
I just went to the website and embold It says,
if you're craving more realness and authenticity in your friendships
but don't know where to start, the Friendship Deck is
for you. It is thoughtfully designed for you with sixty
(14:54):
two questions and three levels of increasing vulnerability to help
guide you and your friends. Is to greater intimacy with
more ease. So I love too that there's levels, because
not every relationship is at level one, two, or three, Yes,
we want to ease And I did not want to
create trauma bonding or someone feeling like, oh my god,
I have to share my deepest, darkest secrets in anyways,
(15:16):
I really wanted to create something that was like safe
and gentle to ease you and your trends in and
your license therapist. I know you've mentioned your practice a
couple of times, but just reiterating that for anyone that
I just like to that it's designed with that type
of thinking because you know what relationship you focus on
(15:37):
that in your practice, you know what emotional nourishment would
look like and in a healthy way, like you said,
without the knowing that like, hey, I got to offer
a level one because I mean even saying the word
trauma bond, like sometimes people would be like I could
really have that with a friend. It's a playful word,
but it is a it is something that can happen
of just feeling like going, you know, straight to the
(16:00):
deep end and sharing all of this. And I'm actually
a fan of really slowing things down so that you
can build some emotional safety to hold the weight of
your stories. My friend said to me the other day,
she's actually been my friends since I was thirteen, and
she lives She lives in Austin, and she just moved
to a new neighborhood and was meeting some new friends
(16:21):
and she said that she is really moving slow though,
because she's a very social, outgoing person. But she's like,
I don't want to microwave my friendships anymore. I want
to basically put them in the oven and let him
going in. I thought the oven, I cook it slow.
And I thought, oh, I had not thought of it
that way, because sometimes you just jump in to a
(16:44):
relationship so quick, and then you were like, oh, whoa,
this actually probably wasn't a good fit for me, but
it like got to it cooked a little too fast. Yes, Yes,
A big fan of just even slowing. Yeah, slowing things down,
taking your time, knowing you don't have to become best
friends overnight. And yeah, like any relationship, good friendship takes time,
(17:06):
so be patient. Yea. And along the same lines of
that is, recovery takes time too, so be patient with that.
And I love that we were able to tie in
recovery and friendship. And again, people can check out the
friendship Deck. The website is the friendship deck dot com
and then that just converts over to your website as well.
(17:27):
So there's my website where they can't find find me.
You can find more information about my practice and social
media all that, all that good stuff. Yeah, you're on
Instagram and TikTok and you're located in Charleston. Yes, in Charleston,
South Carolina, which is so fun. I want to go there.
Do you ever see the Southern charm people? You know?
I you see them filming quite quite a lot, and
(17:48):
then you see all the places that they go. It's
very fun of it. Maybe you need to get a
friendship deck on the episode they could use some of that.
They definitely could. It was cringe e watching at the season.
I was like, people, come on, I know, well, like,
thank you so much, and yeah, I'll have to have
you on this is outweigh obviously, but I think that
(18:09):
there's a conversation here that we could do on my
four Things podcast as well. I love that so much.
Thank you for having me. Yes, okay, well don't forget people.
You can check it out the friendship deck dot com.
Thank you like you got it.
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