November 23, 2024 • 20 mins
OUTWEIGH: In the second part of our holiday series on Outweigh, Amy and Leanne address a challenging topic: handling "food pushers" and unsolicited comments about your body during family gatherings.
Amy introduces the discomfort and triggering nature of these situations, while Leanne helps listeners understand the motivations behind food pushing—often rooted in cultural norms or personal love languages—and explains how unsolicited comments about weight typically reflect the other person's issues rather than your own.
Together, they provide practical tips for setting boundaries without guilt, offering polite yet firm responses to food pushers and examples of how to address unwanted comments about your body respectfully while protecting your peace.
To further support you, there's also a helpful PDF with scripts and cheat sheets, equipping you with the tools you need to navigate these tricky situations during the holidays confidently.
Cheat Sheets mentioned: https://stresslesseating.com/holiday
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Leanne Ellington // StresslessEating.com // @leanneellington
To learn more about re-wiring your brain to heal from the all-or-nothing diet mentality for good....but WITHOUT restricting yourself, punishing your body, (and definitely WITHOUT ever having to use words like macros, low-carb, or calorie burn) check out Leanne's FREE Stressless Eating Webinar @ www.StresslessEating.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
I'm learning to love who I am.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Aga, I'm strong, I feel free, I know every part
of me.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
It's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
And then we'll always out way if you feel it
with your hands in here, she'll some love to the food.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Why get there? Take you one day? Anita? Did you
and die out way?
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Happy Saturday? Out weigh Amy here with Leanne Ellington and
this is our holiday series. Last week was part one,
navigating holiday gatherings without food guilt. If you missed it,
go back and listen to last Saturday's chat. We're hoping
that as you head into the holiday season with all
of the different gatherings and all the food that you
will be around, our goal will be that you get
(00:57):
to actually enjoy the people and the food this year.
That is the goal, enjoy it without guilt. However, I
know a lot of times it's easier said than done.
And you obviously have outside influences. You've got people in
your family that maybe are food pushers or say rude comments.
(01:17):
You can't control other people, you can only control yourself.
So today we're gonna be talking about how to handle
the food pushers and any unwanted comments about your body. Now,
a food pusher is simply people who encourage you to
eat more, or they tend to have some sort of
a comment about what you have on your plate, when
really it's none, yeah, none, none of the business. It's
(01:41):
like you can't really say that to maybe you know,
Uncle Tom or Aunt Sally, or maybe it's your own parent.
Sometimes I've realized I have been the commenter and I
shouldn't have made a comment about what somebody else had
going on. So I'll even admit that. And we're big
on outwagh never commenting on people's bodies no matter what.
(02:02):
But a lot of times you haven't seen family in
a long time. You know, so and so's in town
from wherever, and they've got to make comments about their body,
your body, all the bodies, and it's like, uugh, why
do we even have to do that? So Leanne, how
do we deal with food pushers and people that want
to comment about our bodies?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Well, you know, first of all, it's yeah, it can
be really disheartening. It can be a bit you know,
triggering for lack of a better way of saying it.
When people are talking about, you know, or giving feedback
or giving commentary on what you're eating, or on what
your body looks like or your your weight or anything
like that, and you know, first and foremost, you know
the motivation behind this, giving people that kind of that
(02:42):
compassion because a lot of people don't know what they
don't know.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
A lot of this has kind of become a cultural norm.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
You know, in a lot of families, food is a
love language, right, so it's like, oh, like I just
want to make sure that you're being fed right, or
it's just you know, how how uncle Joe or Uncle
Tom or whoever is saying it, or your own parents. Again,
a lot of these people they just don't know what
they don't know, and they don't understand the inner workings
of our brains and can see how it can be
that triggering, and that's why they make unsolicited comments about wait,
(03:11):
and oftentimes it's more about them than it is about us. Right,
if they're making comments about your body, it is most
likely about their own perception of themselves.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
And a lot of times it's.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Not personal, but it feels personal, Like how, especially when
we're in it right, and it's hard to not be
influenced by that, and so we actually put together there's
everything that we're about to share on this episode. There's
an entire pdf that goes along with it. There's some
cheat sheets if you go over to stresslessseeating dot com
slash holiday, and we'll link this in the show notes
as well, but you can literally pull it up as
(03:42):
you want as you're listening to this right now, unless
you're driving, be safe, but stresslessheading dot com slash holiday.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
To just kind of share, you know.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Part of it is we have to set up our
own boundaries to protect ourselves, but doing it in a
way that feels for lack of what I way was saying.
It feels classy, feels greatracious, doesn't feel like we're being
hyper defensive, but just expressing who we are and standing
in who we are without being defensive or offending. Right,
I think that's the key that we want to express today.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
Yeah, I think that kind is the key word too.
But it's natural when it comes to food or your body,
especially those of us that have had eating disorders, it's
so personal to us.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
They're like, if you had.
Speaker 3 (04:24):
Any idea all the different thoughts that are going on
in my mind right now, and then it's easy for
us to just get triggered or get defensive. And so
just having some of these comments in your back pocket
ready to go might be helpful, Like, you know, if
you've got the sheet, like it's a little script. Like
as a parent sometimes from my kid's therapists, I have
(04:44):
go to scripts that I keep in my back pocket
for certain situations that I know aren't going to escalate
a situation. They're going to help keep us all calm,
it's going to help move within the right direction. And
so consider this a little script for your back pocket
that you can bust out, you know, if you need to.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Yeah, And it's kind of like it choose your own adventure.
Some of these might resonate, some of them, you might say, no,
I could never say that, you know. But we're gonna
give you the what and the why behind the what.
And I've put it into kind of two different categories.
One is specifically food comments about food and the food
pushing situation, and then the other is about dealing with
unwanted comments about your body. And so again I'm just
reading off the cheat sheet that's over at stresslessating dot
(05:22):
com slash holiday.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
But when it comes to food pushers, right, we've.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
All been there, whether it's you know, Aunt Linda, maybe
it's your own parents, you know, just one more piece
of pie, or Grandma piles food onto your plate, and
it can feel uncomfortable to say no.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Especially because we talked about it.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Could be cultural food is I know food is a
love language in my family. But you also have the
right to protect your piece and protect what you put
in your body without feeling like you're being influenced in
a direction that you don't want to be influenced in.
And so here's a way to be polite but firm,
right and kind and loving, but also you know, standing
your ground to navigate these moments. So one opportunity is
(05:57):
just to say no, thank you, like everything was delicious,
but I'm actually really full right now, right, And so
why this works It acknowledges the person's effort in preparing
the food or again, if they're giving you the gift
of saying, hey, eat this, like it's almost feels like
a gift. You don't want to feel like you're you know,
not receiving the gift. So you're acknowledging their effort without
(06:18):
leaving any room for negotiation, because it's pretty firm.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
It's like, listen, everything was so good, but I'm actually
really full right now.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
It also signals that you are in touch with what
your body needs right And in a way it kind
of trains our family to know, like, Okay, she's full,
like she knows when she is. I'm not going to
push right. So that's one option for food pushers. Another
option is just simply saying, hey, thank you for offering,
but I'm actually going to stick with what I have
on my plate right now, and even adding like everything.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Looks so delicious, I don't even know if i'll be
but eat all this right.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
And why it works is it's a gentle way to
assert that like you're satisfied, but you're avoiding the guilt
that can come with refusing food that has already been prepared.
I think that kind of comes back to last week too.
It's a different form of guilt, the guilt of saying no.
And then a third option and again these are all interchangeable,
is just saying hey, I'm good for now, but I
might grab some later. And so why this works is
(07:07):
because It allows you to leave the door open without committing,
so you're saying, hey, I'm really good, I've got what's
on my plate, but I might go back.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
For more later.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
And it helps food pushers feel heard, but without you
feeling pressured. And I think that's the theme here, like
it's meeting people halfway knowing that they're they're coming from
a place of love most likely like they just want
you to eat, or they just want the food that
they prepared to be received, And so you want to
just acknowledge that there are that you're receiving the love
right even if you're not receiving the food, You're receiving
(07:37):
the love that comes alongside the food, but being firm
in your boundaries without sounding like you know, snoody mixednoterersen
or being you know, defensive.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Okay, I want to clarify real quick though, for anybody
that might be like, wait a second, this is that way,
Like I should be able to eat whatever I want.
Why am I not putting everything on my plate? Can
you clear that just so that there's not any confusion.
We're certainly not saying that you should be restricting anything
on your plate in any way shape or.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Form Absolutely, yeah, I think what happens is sometimes like
we are in tune with our own body and what
our own body needs, but to an outside person that
is used to kind of that like you know, all
or nothing gluttonous mentality on Thanksgiving, that's that's not what
makes us feel our best. You know, last week we
talked about that too, like finding that happy medium between
enjoying and indulging and being present but not like feeling
(08:29):
glutonously overstuffed. And sometimes the food pushing isn't like sometimes
it can be subtle like hey, are you like you're
not eating or are you on a diet, or like
just any comment about like what you are or aren't eating,
And so part of it is like finding that happy
medium for yourself where you are honoring your body and
honoring what feels right for you with your relationship with food,
(08:50):
with your hunger signals, with how you take care of
yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and just not being infiltrated by
other people's perceptions of what's supposed.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
To be done on a holiday.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
And I think it's about finding that beautiful balance independent
because I know, like in my family, it's almost like
a badge of honor of like how much you can
eat on these holidays?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (09:09):
And it almost becomes like, yeah, like a girls Scott
badge of like, oh I have three pieces of pie,
you know what, I'm so full, I can't fill my
legs or whatever it is, right, And so I'm sure
we all have our own version of what we're indoctrinated
into or what we grew up with.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
But part of it is like we don't have.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
To go along with what everyone else is doing or
and we also don't have to explain it.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
But sometimes if they're not used to seeing us not
in that situation, they might have questions.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Of like, oh, she's either eating more than she usually
does or she's eating less than she usually does. And
a lot of people feel like it's their business to
comment on it, even if they're not necessarily pushing it.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
So I think it's about honoring what works for us.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
And that is a perfect transition into dealing with comments
about our body that we're asking for. And that is
a perfect transition into dealing with comments about our body
that we're asking because we're also not asking for comments
about what's on our plate or not on our plate.
So what do we do if poor Uncle Joe and
Uncle Tom whoever.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
They are, I know they're getting all the slack.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
I did have an Uncle Joe in my life. But
whatever the family member is in thirty yea, you know,
there may be someone that is always commenting on the bodies, like,
regardless of if it's because of a weight gain a
weight loss. But Lord, just make it stop.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yeah, absolutely, yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
And my mine is my you know, old Jewish grandmothers
and stuff like that, So it's you know, Grandma, Grandma
Mildred and you know Grandma Shirley and all the things.
But yeah, it's and again, a lot of it is
generational and cultural. I remember when I was in like,
I don't know, eighth grade or something, and I was
on weight watchers for like my twelfth time already, and
I went and visited my grandma and.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
She was like, oh, you look like you've lost weight.
And then I was like, oh, thanks, and she's.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Like, oh, you'll gain it all back, Like she literally
said this to me, right, And so these are the
kinds of things that like they don't even realize that
they are saying these things, right, because it's just so
you know, normal culturally and generationally especially too, So when
it comes to unsolicited comments about your appearance, it can
be you know, again, for lack of a better way
of saying it triggering, right, even though I do feel
(11:17):
we're responsible for what triggers us or not, And that's
the point of what we're why we're going through this
is to just like kind of desensitize ourselves to feeling
like it's something outside of us can trigger us so much, right,
But people don't realize how damaging or like just personal
these remarks can be because to them it's not personal.
So it is important to protect your peace again without
being confrontational. And again, I guess another way of saying
(11:39):
it is everything that we're sharing with you is like,
if you are feeling air quotes triggered, it's a way
to create that resilience so that nothing outside of you
can can air quotes trigger you the way that it
is now, right, giving you that resilience factor. So when
somebody makes comments about your body, and again these can
be really subtle, it's like even if it's if it's
air quotes positive like oh you look like you've or
(12:00):
like oh you're looking you know, and part of it too,
is is different things might feel different ways to different people, right,
But I think what I hear from my clients a
lot and the women that I talk to is it's
usually they're afraid that people are going to notice if
they've gained weight. That's the big fear that they have.
But you know, if anybody says anything about your body,
and again, like it like comments, unsolicited comments about your
(12:23):
appearance doesn't necessarily feel good in either direction, right, But
one thing you can say is like, oh, I appreciate
your concern or I can appreciate your you know comment,
but I'm actually focusing on feeling really good from the inside.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Out these days.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Right, And it just like kind of deflects the conversation.
Why it works is it redirects and deflects that conversation
from being strictly an appearanced based conversation to being this
like well being internal conversation, which helps shift the focus
to something positive without starting an argument. And again it
comes back to like training people in a way that
(12:56):
like I'm so much more than my looks, I'm so
much more than my weight, Like I'm actually it's super
excited about how I'm feeling internally, I felt some really
big shifts. And then it like allows even more like
connection and intimacy in my opinion, with people that are
just trying to connect with you a lot of times
they're making these comments because they're just trying to connect
with you, and you're opening a new door to show
them on the things that you really value, which is
(13:16):
an internal conversation.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
I love that one, and it could continue the conversation
about what's going on with you internally and things you're
doing to care for yourself, and then there's a whole
conversation on a deeper level. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
Yeah, So this next one, for example, if somebody, like
maybe last time you saw them, you were like, hey,
I'm trying to lose weight, or hey, you know, or
maybe you trained your family to that, Like I know,
I used to talk about when I gained weight or
when I lost weight with my family, so I kind
of trained them that it was almost an open topic, right,
And so this this next one, it almost allows you
to take back, you know, power from what you're open
(13:50):
to talking about. So if anybody makes any comments, you know, hey,
how's that new workout plan going or whatever it is,
it could be something that feels benign right to them,
but to you it's like, oh my gosh, like why
are they saying that? Right, you could literally just say
I actually prefer not to talk about my body, but
how's everything going with you? And so why this works is,
again it's direct, but it's also kind and polite. Let's
(14:11):
the person that you're talking to know that that kind
of point of topic is a bit off limits, but
it also shows interest in them and keeps the conversation
moving forward. You're not shutting it down, You're just saying like, hey, actually,
let's talk about.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
You, you know. So that's another good way to approach this.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
Yeah, that'll move it along real quick. And people love
to talk about themselves, so they.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Go exactly exactly.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
And then this last one again, I like it because
it also gives people an inside snapshot of what you're
currently valuing and what you're currently focusing on. If you
just say like, hey, actually, you know what, I realized
that focusing and I would add in the word like
strictly focusing strictly on my body it doesn't bring me happiness,
so I'm working on other areas of my life. And
then it opens the door for you to share like, Hey,
(14:53):
this is what's going on with I just got a
new dog, or this is what's going on in my relationship,
or this is what's going on an exciting project at work,
and it allows them again, you're training them to show
them that you are this three dimensional, amazing creature that
has so much more to talk about than just food
and her weight. Right, And so this also helps the
other person understand that your priorities have shifted without like
(15:15):
accusing them of wrongdoing. You're not making them wrong for asking.
But again, it leaves the door open for a more
meaningful conversation if they're open to it, and in a
way it shuts down the conversations for the people that aren't. Like,
let's be honest, there's some sometimes you want to get
out of a conversation.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
We're human, right, and.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
We're talking about this for the holidays coming up. But
you could use these responses to someone at work anytime
of the year, or if someone has felt the need
to comment on your body in some way or something
about you looks wise and you don't want that focus
to be there, then you can keep these around for
(15:51):
any time that happens, not just you know at uncle
Joe's Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Absolutely, it's year round.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
I mean we talked about I gave an example actually
on an Outway episode a couple weeks ago of a
client of mine who everybody at work was doing this
like weight loss challenge at the beginning of the year
last year, and she's like, listen, I'll cheer you guys
on from behind from the sidelines, but I don't want
to participate, and I'm totally cool with that, and I
love you guys.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
And she was just clear and firm, you know, She's like,
this isn't my bag, you know.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
And so part of it is like the if again,
if you can build your resilience when it feels a
little bit more challenging because you're around people that have
maybe known you forever, people you haven't seen in a while,
you can do it anywhere. These are really year round,
you know strategies.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
Yeah, and hopefully they'll they'll come in handy. And if
you're listening to this, you probably likely are not commenting
on other people's bodies. But maybe you're listening right now
and you're listening to see how you can support a
loved one that has an eating disorder. Some people listen
to outweigh from that perspective too, and you might be like, well,
what's wrong with commenting on someone's body if they've lost weight,
(16:49):
shouldn't we want to comment and encourage them. And I'll
say my piece on it, and then Leanne you can
share yours. But I would just say you never know
what someone weight loss is rooted in, So you could
be reinforcing negative behavior when you compliment the weight loss,
(17:09):
or someone could be battling depression and you don't know
that that's why they've lost weight, and then now they're thinking,
oh no, like people are noticing maybe that something is
different about me. They could have a disease or some
sort of ailment that they're not publicly talking about, a cancer,
(17:31):
something that is not a public thing, like I'm thinking
in the workplace where maybe you don't want everybody to
know your business, and sure some people may notice something
about your changing body, but when you make a comment
about it, you draw attention to it. And so it
could either be something that is totally out of their control,
or you're going to reinforce bad behavior that actually is
in their control, because if they have an eating disorder
(17:53):
in then they're getting praised for it, then they continue
the bad behavior because it's getting them the attention of
the weight loss.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Yeah, one thousand percent. No, you said it so beautifully.
And I'll add on a third experience or example is
you if you yourself again are commenting on somebody's weight.
I know for me it used to be like, well,
how did you do it right? And that's that it
goes to all of these like strategies and tactics. And
I know, for me, in a place of disorder, if
some I mean somebody could have literally been doing something
that was very healthy for them, but through my lens
(18:21):
and my perspective, I would I would take my disorder
into it.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
And so it was like, you know, the blind leading
the blind.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I was asking somebody who you know, found a weight
loss thing on you know, Pinterest or whatever, and then
I was putting it through my own disordered goggles and
turning it into something unhealthy because I was comparing it
to like, oh, that person used it to lose.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
Weight, right. So it can come from so many different perspectives.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
But whether we are the people that are making the
comments or were the people being commented on, it's just
a good idea to kind of steer clear from that
and just setting your own boundaries for yourself, like we're
just talking about, it might be about setting boundaries when
other people are coming, but it might be your own
perspective of how you're commenting on other people's bodies. And
it's about protecting your piece without feeling guilty. And it's
(19:02):
not rude to just say to kind of bow out
of a conversation. And it's okay to step away from
conversations that don't feel good for.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Your own mental and emotional well being.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
And that's the kind of thing that you want to
decide and like get connected to before you put yourself
in these situations so that you can stand firm in it.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Yeah, well, thank you for these scripts, Land and the
print out or the handout if people I printed it
out so I have it here with me. I don't
know that a lot of people are going to print it,
but if they wanted to, you could laminate it, keep
it in your purse.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Uh huh, you can do it. We can make it
mini size and put it on your phone. Yeah, but
if you had, if you're wondering what we're talking about,
you can head on over to Stressless Seeding Dot com
slash holiday and those are those printable cheat sheets for
you to access and again they work your round.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
Awesome, Lann, Where can people find you? So?
Speaker 1 (19:48):
If you want to learn more about rewiring your own
brain to heal from the all or nothing diet mentality
for good, but you know, without restricting yourself and punishing
your body, then head on over to Stressless seeding dot
com and find out all about it.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
And I am at Radio Amy on Socials and Leanna
and I will be back next Saturday. We'll be talking
about dealing with holiday weight gain, fears and body anxiety.
That'll be part three of our holiday series.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Bye I
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
I'm learning to love who I am.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Aga, I'm strong, I feel free, I know every part
of me.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
It's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
And then we'll always out way if you feel it
with your hands in here, she'll some love to the food.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Why get there? Take you one day? Anita? Did you
and die out way?
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Happy Saturday? Out weigh Amy here with Leanne Ellington and
this is our holiday series. Last week was part one,
navigating holiday gatherings without food guilt. If you missed it,
go back and listen to last Saturday's chat. We're hoping
that as you head into the holiday season with all
of the different gatherings and all the food that you
will be around, our goal will be that you get
(00:57):
to actually enjoy the people and the food this year.
That is the goal, enjoy it without guilt. However, I
know a lot of times it's easier said than done.
And you obviously have outside influences. You've got people in
your family that maybe are food pushers or say rude comments.
(01:17):
You can't control other people, you can only control yourself.
So today we're gonna be talking about how to handle
the food pushers and any unwanted comments about your body. Now,
a food pusher is simply people who encourage you to
eat more, or they tend to have some sort of
a comment about what you have on your plate, when
really it's none, yeah, none, none of the business. It's
(01:41):
like you can't really say that to maybe you know,
Uncle Tom or Aunt Sally, or maybe it's your own parent.
Sometimes I've realized I have been the commenter and I
shouldn't have made a comment about what somebody else had
going on. So I'll even admit that. And we're big
on outwagh never commenting on people's bodies no matter what.
(02:02):
But a lot of times you haven't seen family in
a long time. You know, so and so's in town
from wherever, and they've got to make comments about their body,
your body, all the bodies, and it's like, uugh, why
do we even have to do that? So Leanne, how
do we deal with food pushers and people that want
to comment about our bodies?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Well, you know, first of all, it's yeah, it can
be really disheartening. It can be a bit you know,
triggering for lack of a better way of saying it.
When people are talking about, you know, or giving feedback
or giving commentary on what you're eating, or on what
your body looks like or your your weight or anything
like that, and you know, first and foremost, you know
the motivation behind this, giving people that kind of that
(02:42):
compassion because a lot of people don't know what they
don't know.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
A lot of this has kind of become a cultural norm.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
You know, in a lot of families, food is a
love language, right, so it's like, oh, like I just
want to make sure that you're being fed right, or
it's just you know, how how uncle Joe or Uncle
Tom or whoever is saying it, or your own parents. Again,
a lot of these people they just don't know what
they don't know, and they don't understand the inner workings
of our brains and can see how it can be
that triggering, and that's why they make unsolicited comments about wait,
(03:11):
and oftentimes it's more about them than it is about us. Right,
if they're making comments about your body, it is most
likely about their own perception of themselves.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
And a lot of times it's.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Not personal, but it feels personal, Like how, especially when
we're in it right, and it's hard to not be
influenced by that, and so we actually put together there's
everything that we're about to share on this episode. There's
an entire pdf that goes along with it. There's some
cheat sheets if you go over to stresslessseeating dot com
slash holiday, and we'll link this in the show notes
as well, but you can literally pull it up as
(03:42):
you want as you're listening to this right now, unless
you're driving, be safe, but stresslessheading dot com slash holiday.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
To just kind of share, you know.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Part of it is we have to set up our
own boundaries to protect ourselves, but doing it in a
way that feels for lack of what I way was saying.
It feels classy, feels greatracious, doesn't feel like we're being
hyper defensive, but just expressing who we are and standing
in who we are without being defensive or offending. Right,
I think that's the key that we want to express today.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
Yeah, I think that kind is the key word too.
But it's natural when it comes to food or your body,
especially those of us that have had eating disorders, it's
so personal to us.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
They're like, if you had.
Speaker 3 (04:24):
Any idea all the different thoughts that are going on
in my mind right now, and then it's easy for
us to just get triggered or get defensive. And so
just having some of these comments in your back pocket
ready to go might be helpful, Like, you know, if
you've got the sheet, like it's a little script. Like
as a parent sometimes from my kid's therapists, I have
(04:44):
go to scripts that I keep in my back pocket
for certain situations that I know aren't going to escalate
a situation. They're going to help keep us all calm,
it's going to help move within the right direction. And
so consider this a little script for your back pocket
that you can bust out, you know, if you need to.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Yeah, And it's kind of like it choose your own adventure.
Some of these might resonate, some of them, you might say, no,
I could never say that, you know. But we're gonna
give you the what and the why behind the what.
And I've put it into kind of two different categories.
One is specifically food comments about food and the food
pushing situation, and then the other is about dealing with
unwanted comments about your body. And so again I'm just
reading off the cheat sheet that's over at stresslessating dot
(05:22):
com slash holiday.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
But when it comes to food pushers, right, we've.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
All been there, whether it's you know, Aunt Linda, maybe
it's your own parents, you know, just one more piece
of pie, or Grandma piles food onto your plate, and
it can feel uncomfortable to say no.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Especially because we talked about it.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Could be cultural food is I know food is a
love language in my family. But you also have the
right to protect your piece and protect what you put
in your body without feeling like you're being influenced in
a direction that you don't want to be influenced in.
And so here's a way to be polite but firm,
right and kind and loving, but also you know, standing
your ground to navigate these moments. So one opportunity is
(05:57):
just to say no, thank you, like everything was delicious,
but I'm actually really full right now, right, And so
why this works It acknowledges the person's effort in preparing
the food or again, if they're giving you the gift
of saying, hey, eat this, like it's almost feels like
a gift. You don't want to feel like you're you know,
not receiving the gift. So you're acknowledging their effort without
(06:18):
leaving any room for negotiation, because it's pretty firm.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
It's like, listen, everything was so good, but I'm actually
really full right now.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
It also signals that you are in touch with what
your body needs right And in a way it kind
of trains our family to know, like, Okay, she's full,
like she knows when she is. I'm not going to
push right. So that's one option for food pushers. Another
option is just simply saying, hey, thank you for offering,
but I'm actually going to stick with what I have
on my plate right now, and even adding like everything.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Looks so delicious, I don't even know if i'll be
but eat all this right.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
And why it works is it's a gentle way to
assert that like you're satisfied, but you're avoiding the guilt
that can come with refusing food that has already been prepared.
I think that kind of comes back to last week too.
It's a different form of guilt, the guilt of saying no.
And then a third option and again these are all interchangeable,
is just saying hey, I'm good for now, but I
might grab some later. And so why this works is
(07:07):
because It allows you to leave the door open without committing,
so you're saying, hey, I'm really good, I've got what's
on my plate, but I might go back.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
For more later.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
And it helps food pushers feel heard, but without you
feeling pressured. And I think that's the theme here, like
it's meeting people halfway knowing that they're they're coming from
a place of love most likely like they just want
you to eat, or they just want the food that
they prepared to be received, And so you want to
just acknowledge that there are that you're receiving the love
right even if you're not receiving the food, You're receiving
(07:37):
the love that comes alongside the food, but being firm
in your boundaries without sounding like you know, snoody mixednoterersen
or being you know, defensive.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Okay, I want to clarify real quick though, for anybody
that might be like, wait a second, this is that way,
Like I should be able to eat whatever I want.
Why am I not putting everything on my plate? Can
you clear that just so that there's not any confusion.
We're certainly not saying that you should be restricting anything
on your plate in any way shape or.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Form Absolutely, yeah, I think what happens is sometimes like
we are in tune with our own body and what
our own body needs, but to an outside person that
is used to kind of that like you know, all
or nothing gluttonous mentality on Thanksgiving, that's that's not what
makes us feel our best. You know, last week we
talked about that too, like finding that happy medium between
enjoying and indulging and being present but not like feeling
(08:29):
glutonously overstuffed. And sometimes the food pushing isn't like sometimes
it can be subtle like hey, are you like you're
not eating or are you on a diet, or like
just any comment about like what you are or aren't eating,
And so part of it is like finding that happy
medium for yourself where you are honoring your body and
honoring what feels right for you with your relationship with food,
(08:50):
with your hunger signals, with how you take care of
yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and just not being infiltrated by
other people's perceptions of what's supposed.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
To be done on a holiday.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
And I think it's about finding that beautiful balance independent
because I know, like in my family, it's almost like
a badge of honor of like how much you can
eat on these holidays?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (09:09):
And it almost becomes like, yeah, like a girls Scott
badge of like, oh I have three pieces of pie,
you know what, I'm so full, I can't fill my
legs or whatever it is, right, And so I'm sure
we all have our own version of what we're indoctrinated
into or what we grew up with.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
But part of it is like we don't have.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
To go along with what everyone else is doing or
and we also don't have to explain it.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
But sometimes if they're not used to seeing us not
in that situation, they might have questions.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Of like, oh, she's either eating more than she usually
does or she's eating less than she usually does. And
a lot of people feel like it's their business to
comment on it, even if they're not necessarily pushing it.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
So I think it's about honoring what works for us.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
And that is a perfect transition into dealing with comments
about our body that we're asking for. And that is
a perfect transition into dealing with comments about our body
that we're asking because we're also not asking for comments
about what's on our plate or not on our plate.
So what do we do if poor Uncle Joe and
Uncle Tom whoever.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
They are, I know they're getting all the slack.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
I did have an Uncle Joe in my life. But
whatever the family member is in thirty yea, you know,
there may be someone that is always commenting on the bodies, like,
regardless of if it's because of a weight gain a
weight loss. But Lord, just make it stop.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yeah, absolutely, yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
And my mine is my you know, old Jewish grandmothers
and stuff like that, So it's you know, Grandma, Grandma
Mildred and you know Grandma Shirley and all the things.
But yeah, it's and again, a lot of it is
generational and cultural. I remember when I was in like,
I don't know, eighth grade or something, and I was
on weight watchers for like my twelfth time already, and
I went and visited my grandma and.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
She was like, oh, you look like you've lost weight.
And then I was like, oh, thanks, and she's.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Like, oh, you'll gain it all back, Like she literally
said this to me, right, And so these are the
kinds of things that like they don't even realize that
they are saying these things, right, because it's just so
you know, normal culturally and generationally especially too, So when
it comes to unsolicited comments about your appearance, it can
be you know, again, for lack of a better way
of saying it triggering, right, even though I do feel
(11:17):
we're responsible for what triggers us or not, And that's
the point of what we're why we're going through this
is to just like kind of desensitize ourselves to feeling
like it's something outside of us can trigger us so much, right,
But people don't realize how damaging or like just personal
these remarks can be because to them it's not personal.
So it is important to protect your peace again without
being confrontational. And again, I guess another way of saying
(11:39):
it is everything that we're sharing with you is like,
if you are feeling air quotes triggered, it's a way
to create that resilience so that nothing outside of you
can can air quotes trigger you the way that it
is now, right, giving you that resilience factor. So when
somebody makes comments about your body, and again these can
be really subtle, it's like even if it's if it's
air quotes positive like oh you look like you've or
(12:00):
like oh you're looking you know, and part of it too,
is is different things might feel different ways to different people, right,
But I think what I hear from my clients a
lot and the women that I talk to is it's
usually they're afraid that people are going to notice if
they've gained weight. That's the big fear that they have.
But you know, if anybody says anything about your body,
and again, like it like comments, unsolicited comments about your
(12:23):
appearance doesn't necessarily feel good in either direction, right, But
one thing you can say is like, oh, I appreciate
your concern or I can appreciate your you know comment,
but I'm actually focusing on feeling really good from the inside.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Out these days.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Right, And it just like kind of deflects the conversation.
Why it works is it redirects and deflects that conversation
from being strictly an appearanced based conversation to being this
like well being internal conversation, which helps shift the focus
to something positive without starting an argument. And again it
comes back to like training people in a way that
(12:56):
like I'm so much more than my looks, I'm so
much more than my weight, Like I'm actually it's super
excited about how I'm feeling internally, I felt some really
big shifts. And then it like allows even more like
connection and intimacy in my opinion, with people that are
just trying to connect with you a lot of times
they're making these comments because they're just trying to connect
with you, and you're opening a new door to show
them on the things that you really value, which is
(13:16):
an internal conversation.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
I love that one, and it could continue the conversation
about what's going on with you internally and things you're
doing to care for yourself, and then there's a whole
conversation on a deeper level. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
Yeah, So this next one, for example, if somebody, like
maybe last time you saw them, you were like, hey,
I'm trying to lose weight, or hey, you know, or
maybe you trained your family to that, Like I know,
I used to talk about when I gained weight or
when I lost weight with my family, so I kind
of trained them that it was almost an open topic, right,
And so this this next one, it almost allows you
to take back, you know, power from what you're open
(13:50):
to talking about. So if anybody makes any comments, you know, hey,
how's that new workout plan going or whatever it is,
it could be something that feels benign right to them,
but to you it's like, oh my gosh, like why
are they saying that? Right, you could literally just say
I actually prefer not to talk about my body, but
how's everything going with you? And so why this works is,
again it's direct, but it's also kind and polite. Let's
(14:11):
the person that you're talking to know that that kind
of point of topic is a bit off limits, but
it also shows interest in them and keeps the conversation
moving forward. You're not shutting it down, You're just saying like, hey, actually,
let's talk about.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
You, you know. So that's another good way to approach this.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
Yeah, that'll move it along real quick. And people love
to talk about themselves, so they.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Go exactly exactly.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
And then this last one again, I like it because
it also gives people an inside snapshot of what you're
currently valuing and what you're currently focusing on. If you
just say like, hey, actually, you know what, I realized
that focusing and I would add in the word like
strictly focusing strictly on my body it doesn't bring me happiness,
so I'm working on other areas of my life. And
then it opens the door for you to share like, Hey,
(14:53):
this is what's going on with I just got a
new dog, or this is what's going on in my relationship,
or this is what's going on an exciting project at work,
and it allows them again, you're training them to show
them that you are this three dimensional, amazing creature that
has so much more to talk about than just food
and her weight. Right, And so this also helps the
other person understand that your priorities have shifted without like
(15:15):
accusing them of wrongdoing. You're not making them wrong for asking.
But again, it leaves the door open for a more
meaningful conversation if they're open to it, and in a
way it shuts down the conversations for the people that aren't. Like,
let's be honest, there's some sometimes you want to get
out of a conversation.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
We're human, right, and.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
We're talking about this for the holidays coming up. But
you could use these responses to someone at work anytime
of the year, or if someone has felt the need
to comment on your body in some way or something
about you looks wise and you don't want that focus
to be there, then you can keep these around for
(15:51):
any time that happens, not just you know at uncle
Joe's Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Absolutely, it's year round.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
I mean we talked about I gave an example actually
on an Outway episode a couple weeks ago of a
client of mine who everybody at work was doing this
like weight loss challenge at the beginning of the year
last year, and she's like, listen, I'll cheer you guys
on from behind from the sidelines, but I don't want
to participate, and I'm totally cool with that, and I
love you guys.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
And she was just clear and firm, you know, She's like,
this isn't my bag, you know.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
And so part of it is like the if again,
if you can build your resilience when it feels a
little bit more challenging because you're around people that have
maybe known you forever, people you haven't seen in a while,
you can do it anywhere. These are really year round,
you know strategies.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
Yeah, and hopefully they'll they'll come in handy. And if
you're listening to this, you probably likely are not commenting
on other people's bodies. But maybe you're listening right now
and you're listening to see how you can support a
loved one that has an eating disorder. Some people listen
to outweigh from that perspective too, and you might be like, well,
what's wrong with commenting on someone's body if they've lost weight,
(16:49):
shouldn't we want to comment and encourage them. And I'll
say my piece on it, and then Leanne you can
share yours. But I would just say you never know
what someone weight loss is rooted in, So you could
be reinforcing negative behavior when you compliment the weight loss,
(17:09):
or someone could be battling depression and you don't know
that that's why they've lost weight, and then now they're thinking,
oh no, like people are noticing maybe that something is
different about me. They could have a disease or some
sort of ailment that they're not publicly talking about, a cancer,
(17:31):
something that is not a public thing, like I'm thinking
in the workplace where maybe you don't want everybody to
know your business, and sure some people may notice something
about your changing body, but when you make a comment
about it, you draw attention to it. And so it
could either be something that is totally out of their control,
or you're going to reinforce bad behavior that actually is
in their control, because if they have an eating disorder
(17:53):
in then they're getting praised for it, then they continue
the bad behavior because it's getting them the attention of
the weight loss.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Yeah, one thousand percent. No, you said it so beautifully.
And I'll add on a third experience or example is
you if you yourself again are commenting on somebody's weight.
I know for me it used to be like, well,
how did you do it right? And that's that it
goes to all of these like strategies and tactics. And
I know, for me, in a place of disorder, if
some I mean somebody could have literally been doing something
that was very healthy for them, but through my lens
(18:21):
and my perspective, I would I would take my disorder
into it.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
And so it was like, you know, the blind leading
the blind.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I was asking somebody who you know, found a weight
loss thing on you know, Pinterest or whatever, and then
I was putting it through my own disordered goggles and
turning it into something unhealthy because I was comparing it
to like, oh, that person used it to lose.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
Weight, right. So it can come from so many different perspectives.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
But whether we are the people that are making the
comments or were the people being commented on, it's just
a good idea to kind of steer clear from that
and just setting your own boundaries for yourself, like we're
just talking about, it might be about setting boundaries when
other people are coming, but it might be your own
perspective of how you're commenting on other people's bodies. And
it's about protecting your piece without feeling guilty. And it's
(19:02):
not rude to just say to kind of bow out
of a conversation. And it's okay to step away from
conversations that don't feel good for.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Your own mental and emotional well being.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
And that's the kind of thing that you want to
decide and like get connected to before you put yourself
in these situations so that you can stand firm in it.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Yeah, well, thank you for these scripts, Land and the
print out or the handout if people I printed it
out so I have it here with me. I don't
know that a lot of people are going to print it,
but if they wanted to, you could laminate it, keep
it in your purse.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Uh huh, you can do it. We can make it
mini size and put it on your phone. Yeah, but
if you had, if you're wondering what we're talking about,
you can head on over to Stressless Seeding Dot com
slash holiday and those are those printable cheat sheets for
you to access and again they work your round.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
Awesome, Lann, Where can people find you? So?
Speaker 1 (19:48):
If you want to learn more about rewiring your own
brain to heal from the all or nothing diet mentality
for good, but you know, without restricting yourself and punishing
your body, then head on over to Stressless seeding dot
com and find out all about it.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
And I am at Radio Amy on Socials and Leanna
and I will be back next Saturday. We'll be talking
about dealing with holiday weight gain, fears and body anxiety.
That'll be part three of our holiday series.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Bye I
4 Things with Amy Brown News
Host
Amy Brown
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