November 2, 2024 • 18 mins
OUTWEIGH: Have you ever stood in front of the mirror, repeating mantras like “I love my body” or “I’m enough,” only to feel that little voice in your head whispering, “Who are you kidding?” In this episode of Outweigh, Leanne Ellington breaks down why the “just think positive” approach doesn’t work—and what’s really keeping you from truly loving yourself.
Leanne gets real about her own struggles—how she grew up battling food and body shame, even after losing nearly 100 pounds, and why it took more than weight loss to break free. She explains why so many women get stuck feeling like self-love and positivity are unattainable, and how those feel-good mantras can actually make you feel worse when your brain doesn’t buy into them.
So what’s missing? It’s the brain wiring beneath the surface that no amount of mantras or affirmations can fix. Leanne shares how negative beliefs and self-criticism get hardwired into your brain and create resistance—leading you to feel like a fraud. And why jumping straight to self-love can backfire if you haven’t addressed those deeper stories and beliefs that are running the show.
HOST: Leanne Ellington // StresslessEating.com // @leanneellington
To learn more about re-wiring your brain to heal from the all-or-nothing diet mentality for good....but WITHOUT restricting yourself, punishing your body, (and definitely WITHOUT ever having to use words like macros, low-carb, or calorie burn) check out Leanne's FREE Stressless Eating Webinar @ www.StresslessEating.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made, don't won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning of love who I am, I get, I'm strong,
I feel free, I know every part of me it's
beautiful and that will always out way if you feel
(00:24):
it with your hands, and there she'll some love to theod.
Why get that tage day and did you and die
out way?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Happy Saturday?
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Outweigh It's leanne here and I'm excited to be back
with you today. And today I wanted to talk to
you about why all of the positive self talk mantras
and fake it till you make it might not be
cutting it. And I mean, if it really was as
simple as just repeating you know, I love my body
or I'm enough in the mirror, we would have solved
all of our self image and body image problems a
(00:56):
long time ago, right, But we haven't, and there's a
reason for that. So I want to help you cut
through the fluff and get to the real heart of
why we struggle so much with loving ourselves and what
you can actually go do about it. And I want
to give you something tangible, something you can take with
you that will really help you start to shift things
for yourself, because we've all heard it before, like that advice,
(01:19):
you know, just stand in a mirror, look at yourself
in the eye, repeat I love my body, I'm enough,
I'm worthy, And I get why the idea behind it
is so popular. But if I'm being honest, this whole
positive mantra thing doesn't always sit right with me, and
it's probably because it doesn't line up with what neuroscience
says about how the brain actually works.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Because here's the truth, if you.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Don't believe what you're saying deep down, it doesn't matter
how many times you repeat it. It's like putting a
band aid on a wound that needs stitches. And actually
neuroscience backs this up. The whole fake it till you
make it idea doesn't line up with how our brains
are wired. Our brains are incredibly smart. They pick up
(02:02):
on everything, and when you say something that doesn't match
your current beliefs or self image, your brain doesn't just
ignore it.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
It actively resists it.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
So if you're sitting there saying I love my body,
but your inner voice is still screaming no, you don't
guess what that mantra isn't helping. In fact, it might
be making things worse. And you're just creating this massive
disconnect between what you're saying and what you actually feel
about yourself. And I know this because I lived it
(02:35):
for so many years when I was deeply entrenched in
my own battle with food in my body. And I've
shared this before, but in my twenties, I weighed nearly
two hundred and fifty pounds, and I carried so much
shame and self hate around with me that I could
barely stand to look in the mirror. And even when
I lost almost one hundred pounds, the real struggle didn't
go away, because now I had disordered eating and horrible
(02:58):
body dysmorphia in its place. And that's because I hadn't
done the work, or I didn't know to do the work.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
On the inside. I'd change my.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Physical body, but by self image stayed the same. And
so I tell myself things like you know you've got
this now, Leanne, or you're finally enough. But deep down,
that voice, the one I'd been listening to for decades,
would whisper back to me, No, you don't, You're still
not good enough. It's like I was saying one thing
out loud, but my brain and my heart were rolling
(03:27):
their eyes, like, girl, who are you fooling? And neuroscience
explains why this happens. So, your brain is designed to
create consistency between what you believe and what you experience.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
And so when you.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Try to air quotes fake it by saying something that
your brain doesn't believe, it actually triggers a defense mechanism
instead of internalizing that positive mantra.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Right, So, instead of.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
Internalizing it, your brain perceives it as a threat or
a lie because it's not consistent with your current wiring,
and this actually reinforces the negative beliefs.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
That you already hold.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
So instead of helping, your brain is kind of digging
its heels into the old story because that's what it
knows and what it trusts. And that's where so many
women that I work with are stuck. They're doing, you know,
all the right things and say in the mantras and
journaling affirmations and repeating those cute little instagram quotes, but
it's not connecting because their brain doesn't believe it.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
So think about it this way.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Your brain has been trained for years, maybe even decades,
to see you a certain way, and it knows your habits,
your insecurities, your fears. It is wired to recognize those
thoughts that you've been telling yourself on repeat, like I'm
not good enough, or I'll never get past this, or
you know, a lot of my clients come in with
beliefs like I'm crazy. Like if only my friends and
(04:51):
family knew how messed up I am, they'd know that
deep down, I'm broken, right, And so when you suddenly
try to jump to like I love myself from all
of that, right, it's a big jump.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Well, it feels like a lie.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
And let's be real here, it is a lie, right
because you don't believe it. And here's the reality. No
one likes being lied to, not even your brain. And
so what happens and the back of that resistance, your
brain creates resistance, It pushes back, It reinforces those old
stories even harder because that's what your brain knows to
(05:26):
be true. And so it's kind of like if you've
always seen yourself as someone who hates public speaking, and
then one day you stand in front of a crowd
and you say, like, I love public speaking, your brain's like, no,
you actually don't, Like we've been terrified of this for years.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Let's let's not pretend anymore.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
And neuroscientifically, and if that's a word, I might have
just made it up. But neuro scientifically, this is because
the brain is wired to seek congruence between what it
knows and what it perceives, and when something doesn't align
with your internal narrative, your brain triggers cognitive dissonance. Cognitive
(06:03):
dissonance is like that uncomfortable state where your brain recognizes
what you're saying or doing, but it conflicts with your
deeply held beliefs, and so that discomfort. That's why those
mantras feel so fake. And it's the same with self love.
If your brain is wired to criticize your body, those
I Love my body mantras feel like you're trying to
(06:25):
convince yourself that the sky is green when you've always
known that it's blue.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
It just doesn't compute. So let me give you a
few more examples.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
It's like if you've always seen yourself as the shy
one in a group, right, You've always believed that you're
quiet and reserved and that's just your identity, and then
one day you start telling yourself like, yeah, I'm the
life of the party. Your brain goes, well, hold up,
who are you talking about because that's not me, right,
that doesn't align with us, And so if it doesn't
(06:52):
align with your self image, it's going to feel fake,
and no matter how many times you say it, you'll
actually feel more disconnected instead of closer to believing it.
Or maybe you've always told yourself that you're bad with money,
and you know you've spent years reinforcing this belief with
your actions, and then one day you start repeating, you know,
I'm great with money, I'm a financial genius.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Right.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
Your brain immediately will resist that because it knows that
that's not the story that you've been living. Okay, so
hopefully you're getting my point. Like you see what I'm saying.
If the story you're telling yourself doesn't match your current beliefs,
it's going to create more friction. And on a brain level,
that friction actually activates that fight or flight response inside
(07:37):
your amigdala, which is the brain's threat center. And so
instead of feeling motivated by these positive mantras, which is
why we do them in the first place, your brain
registers it as a stressor and it throws up like
all kinds of defense mechanisms, you know, like your body
tenses up, your mind resists, and you end up feeling worse,
not better. So what do we do about that?
Speaker 2 (08:03):
So here's where the shift needs to happen. And this
is what I had to learn the.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
Hard way is you can't jump straight from self hate
to self love, Like, it just doesn't work that way.
And so if you've been your own worst critic for years,
you're not gonna wake up one day and suddenly believe
you're your own biggest fan. It's definitely a process and
one that I spend months with my clients on, right,
And so you have to rewire the way that you
(08:27):
think about yourself first, and science really supports this. To
create lasting change, your brain needs to be reconditioned. You
have to, you know, start building new neural pathways that
support the beliefs that you want to hold about yourself,
not supporting the ones that have had you stuck for
so long, right, or that you feel like you've been
stuck in for so long. And this holds true, Like
(08:49):
I remember standing in front of the mirror trying to
force myself to say things like I love you to
my reflection, but every time I did, it felt like
a lie, Like I couldn't even make eye contact with
myself because deep down I didn't believe it. And that's
because I hadn't healed the parts of me that still
carried all of that shame and doubt and self criticism
and really all that self rejection and those beliefs that
(09:13):
you know that I thought that my body was ugly
or broken or unlovable. But here's what's really going on.
Your brain is built to protect you, and so when
it doesn't believe the words that you're saying, it's not
going to let those positive affirmations through the gate. That's
why starting with smaller, more believable steps like neutral thoughts
(09:33):
acceptance thoughts, which we'll talk about, that's what makes all
the difference. So instead of aiming for self love right away,
what if we started with neutral and accepting right, those
acceptance thoughts, but that actually meet you in your doubt
right and again, like it's about like practicing not being
so mean to ourselves and not judging our bodies every
(09:54):
time we look in the mirror, and not beating ourselves
up for what we ate that day. But really starting
with the neutral acceptance side of it. So, for example,
instead of going straight from I hate my body to
I love my body, right, like roses and butterflies and unicorns,
I invite my clients to actually meet.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Themselves in their doubt.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
And right now, they're having some doubts about their body,
they're having some shame about their body, they're having some
unbelief about their body.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
And so I invite my clients.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
To meet themselves in that doubt and to meet themselves
in the emotions like shame or disappointment that they're currently experiencing,
because pretending they're not there it is not serving us.
And so this is where I'm going to share an example.
And again it's not a roses and butterflies example, but
it's real and it will actually resonate with you if
you're experiencing something like this, because it's real and it's
(10:42):
meeting us in our own doubt. So I'll just use
an example. The one of the most common ones that
my clients have is about their weight. Like a lot
of them come to me and they're like at their
heaviest weight, or maybe they've lost a lot and then
gained it all back. Right, So let's say you're at
a weight that doesn't make you happy, or maybe you
put on some weight and you're at your heavy and
this is again very common. But the data is like
(11:03):
if we just look at the facts, the data is,
this is what I weigh right now, like iweigh X,
Like that is the data, right, And then instead of
going down the drama rabbit hole around the data of like,
oh my gosh, what's wrong with me? I'm disgusting, I'm broken,
like how could I let this happen? Like drama, drama, drama,
but also instead of going down the positive affirmation rabbit
hole of like, no, I love you body right, which
(11:25):
is not going to feel real, and when you're in
those body hate moments, you're not going to believe it right.
So instead of going down either one of those rabbit holes,
I always invite my clients to start with acceptance even
when they don't like it, like acknowledging that they don't
like it and accepting that they don't like it.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
So what does that look like?
Speaker 3 (11:42):
So, like we said, the data is I'm the heaviest
weight I've ever weighed or whatever it is, or IWEIGX.
The new belief, the more neutral belief instead of like
a positive affirmation or going down the rabbit hole, is Hey,
you know what, I don't have to like that.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
This is what I weigh right now.
Speaker 3 (11:57):
In fact, it makes me sad, it makes me feel shame,
it makes me feel annoyed. And this is where you
actually experience the emotion and be emotionally available to yourself
in those moments. But this is also where the magic
comes in. So after you acknowledge like, hey, I don't
have to like that, this is what I weigh right now.
In fact, it annoys me, It makes me mad, it
makes me sad, but this is my weight right now,
(12:19):
like it is what it is. And the sooner I
can accept that this is what I weigh right now,
the suitor I can actually go do something about it.
But in the meantime, I refuse to take myself down
an emotional rabbit hole or a shame spiral, and I
refuse to become a victim to my circumstances or a
victim to my weight, because when I do that, all
I'm doing is adding suffering on top of the suck.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Right, And here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
It's about taking responsibility for our emotions and our emotions
don't always feel good, like when I feel shame, when
I feel sad, when I feel mad, that doesn't feel good, but.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Arguing with it, wishing it wasn't, so why is it
like that? How could I get here?
Speaker 3 (12:54):
All you're doing is arguing with the reality of what
is and adding suffering on top of the suck.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Right. So it's a matter of accepting.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
Things even when you don't like them. And again, accepting
doesn't mean resigning to it. It doesn't mean quitting, it
doesn't mean giving up. It just means accepting, like, this
is what it is right in this moment, right, And
it's also a neutral thought, it's an acceptance thought, and
that is the power of acceptance even when you don't
like it.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Right.
Speaker 3 (13:21):
And so you're not gonna lie to yourself and pretend
that you do like it, right, which is what a
lot of positive affirmations tell you to do. You're gonna
be emotionally available to yourself and meet yourself in your
real and raw emotions of like, yeah, I don't like it,
I feel shame, I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm disappointed. But
it also is what it is right now, and I
refuse to become a victim to that. I refuse to
(13:43):
keep focusing on the problem and taking myself down this
viral because all I'm doing is adding suffering on top
of the suck. Right, you're accepting the data even when
you don't like it. And this is just one example,
and that's obviously where the real work begins.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Right.
Speaker 3 (13:57):
But when you stop adding more judgment to the pile
and start just letting yourself be where you are, even
when you don't like it, even when it's not fun, right,
and then little by little you can shift from self hate,
which is really what a lot of those statements are,
to that self neutrality and self acceptance, and then eventually
(14:18):
to self love and self like and self appreciation. But
you can't skip through acceptance, right. Your brain will know
when you're lying to yourself. And so one of my clients, Anna,
you know, when she came to me, she'd tried all
the diets, she'd done all the mindset work, you know,
worked with a life coade, she even did therapy, and
she was doing positive affirmations every single day, but like
(14:41):
by noon, by lunchtime, she was tearing herself down because
she ate something that she deemed off plan right. And
so instead of focusing on food, and instead of focusing
on like, let's get you to loving yourself right now,
we started working on her acceptance and her neutrality stories, right,
the stories like I'm.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Never going to get this right or I'm just a failure.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
Like we rewired those stories first so that they stopped
becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. And then guess what, her
relationship with food. Not only did it shift on its own,
but then we were able to get in there and
shift it the rest of the way because once she
stopped seeing herself as a failure, she not only didn't
need food to comfort her anymore, but she stopped having
(15:23):
that failure story be a self fulfilling prophecy. But again,
it's never gonna work with like you're a failure, Like, no,
you're a success.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
I trust myself.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
We had to earn back her own trust and we
had to shift the stories in her narrative.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
So here's the deal, my friends.
Speaker 3 (15:38):
If those positive mantras feel like empty words, please don't
beat yourself up. You are not broken and you're not
a failure. You just need to start by addressing the
wiring in your brain and in your self image first,
because there's a whole identity rooted in your self image
that's been keeping you stuck. And once you start working
(15:59):
on that and how you see yourself and the beliefs
that come alongside that, everything else starts to shift. And
then everything else shifting is actually possible, but it has
to start with healing those deeper beliefs. And this kind
of shift in this conversation cannot be healed with. Again,
here's what I'm not saying, Like, notice we're not talking
(16:19):
about another diet, another food based approach, another exercise program,
because you cannot outsmart your brain with fake affirmations that
you don't believe either.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
Right, You've got to rewire.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Those beliefs in a way that meet you in your
doubt even when it sucks, right, and that meet you
in your current state of beliefs. And that is where
the magic starts happening. But this is what nobody's talking about.
It's like, oh, just practice this mantra, check this, you know,
post out on Instagram. That'll make you feel better for
five seconds, but then you end up feeling worse.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
And now you know.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Why, because you cannot outsmart or out positive affirmation your
true beliefs and the wiring in your brain.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
So that's it for today.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
Out I hope this helps you start thinking about this
kind of work in a new way, and we'll be
back next week with more Outweigh.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
But in the meantime, if.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
You want to learn more about how I teach my
clients to turn off the part of their brain that
is obsessed with food, obsessed with their weight, and really
spinning those negative stories in their self image, and go
rewire their own brain for peace and freedom, then head
on over to stressless eeating dot com and sign up
to watch the Stressless Eating sneak preview, where I've literally
(17:29):
peeled back the curtain.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
And walked you through the exact strategy.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
I teach my clients to heal themselves from that all
or nothing diet mentality for good, but also from the
poisonous stories in their self image. And we do that
without restricting them, without punishing their bodies, and definitely without
words like macroslow carb or calorie burns. So it's there
for you to access over on Stressless Eating dot com
(17:54):
and if you like Outweigh, I actually have another podcast
here on iHeart where I talk about all of this
self image and body image stuff, but from the perspective
of where brain science intersects faith, it's called What's God
Got to Do with It? And you can access it
here on iHeart or wherever you get your podcasts. So
that's it for today. I'm Lehone Ellington signing out and
(18:16):
I will talk to you soon.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Bye.
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made, don't won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning of love who I am, I get, I'm strong,
I feel free, I know every part of me it's
beautiful and that will always out way if you feel
(00:24):
it with your hands, and there she'll some love to theod.
Why get that tage day and did you and die
out way?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Happy Saturday?
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Outweigh It's leanne here and I'm excited to be back
with you today. And today I wanted to talk to
you about why all of the positive self talk mantras
and fake it till you make it might not be
cutting it. And I mean, if it really was as
simple as just repeating you know, I love my body
or I'm enough in the mirror, we would have solved
all of our self image and body image problems a
(00:56):
long time ago, right, But we haven't, and there's a
reason for that. So I want to help you cut
through the fluff and get to the real heart of
why we struggle so much with loving ourselves and what
you can actually go do about it. And I want
to give you something tangible, something you can take with
you that will really help you start to shift things
for yourself, because we've all heard it before, like that advice,
(01:19):
you know, just stand in a mirror, look at yourself
in the eye, repeat I love my body, I'm enough,
I'm worthy, And I get why the idea behind it
is so popular. But if I'm being honest, this whole
positive mantra thing doesn't always sit right with me, and
it's probably because it doesn't line up with what neuroscience
says about how the brain actually works.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Because here's the truth, if you.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Don't believe what you're saying deep down, it doesn't matter
how many times you repeat it. It's like putting a
band aid on a wound that needs stitches. And actually
neuroscience backs this up. The whole fake it till you
make it idea doesn't line up with how our brains
are wired. Our brains are incredibly smart. They pick up
(02:02):
on everything, and when you say something that doesn't match
your current beliefs or self image, your brain doesn't just
ignore it.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
It actively resists it.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
So if you're sitting there saying I love my body,
but your inner voice is still screaming no, you don't
guess what that mantra isn't helping. In fact, it might
be making things worse. And you're just creating this massive
disconnect between what you're saying and what you actually feel
about yourself. And I know this because I lived it
(02:35):
for so many years when I was deeply entrenched in
my own battle with food in my body. And I've
shared this before, but in my twenties, I weighed nearly
two hundred and fifty pounds, and I carried so much
shame and self hate around with me that I could
barely stand to look in the mirror. And even when
I lost almost one hundred pounds, the real struggle didn't
go away, because now I had disordered eating and horrible
(02:58):
body dysmorphia in its place. And that's because I hadn't
done the work, or I didn't know to do the work.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
On the inside. I'd change my.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Physical body, but by self image stayed the same. And
so I tell myself things like you know you've got
this now, Leanne, or you're finally enough. But deep down,
that voice, the one I'd been listening to for decades,
would whisper back to me, No, you don't, You're still
not good enough. It's like I was saying one thing
out loud, but my brain and my heart were rolling
(03:27):
their eyes, like, girl, who are you fooling? And neuroscience
explains why this happens. So, your brain is designed to
create consistency between what you believe and what you experience.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
And so when you.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Try to air quotes fake it by saying something that
your brain doesn't believe, it actually triggers a defense mechanism
instead of internalizing that positive mantra.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Right, So, instead of.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
Internalizing it, your brain perceives it as a threat or
a lie because it's not consistent with your current wiring,
and this actually reinforces the negative beliefs.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
That you already hold.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
So instead of helping, your brain is kind of digging
its heels into the old story because that's what it
knows and what it trusts. And that's where so many
women that I work with are stuck. They're doing, you know,
all the right things and say in the mantras and
journaling affirmations and repeating those cute little instagram quotes, but
it's not connecting because their brain doesn't believe it.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
So think about it this way.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Your brain has been trained for years, maybe even decades,
to see you a certain way, and it knows your habits,
your insecurities, your fears. It is wired to recognize those
thoughts that you've been telling yourself on repeat, like I'm
not good enough, or I'll never get past this, or
you know, a lot of my clients come in with
beliefs like I'm crazy. Like if only my friends and
(04:51):
family knew how messed up I am, they'd know that
deep down, I'm broken, right, And so when you suddenly
try to jump to like I love myself from all
of that, right, it's a big jump.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Well, it feels like a lie.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
And let's be real here, it is a lie, right
because you don't believe it. And here's the reality. No
one likes being lied to, not even your brain. And
so what happens and the back of that resistance, your
brain creates resistance, It pushes back, It reinforces those old
stories even harder because that's what your brain knows to
(05:26):
be true. And so it's kind of like if you've
always seen yourself as someone who hates public speaking, and
then one day you stand in front of a crowd
and you say, like, I love public speaking, your brain's like, no,
you actually don't, Like we've been terrified of this for years.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Let's let's not pretend anymore.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
And neuroscientifically, and if that's a word, I might have
just made it up. But neuro scientifically, this is because
the brain is wired to seek congruence between what it
knows and what it perceives, and when something doesn't align
with your internal narrative, your brain triggers cognitive dissonance. Cognitive
(06:03):
dissonance is like that uncomfortable state where your brain recognizes
what you're saying or doing, but it conflicts with your
deeply held beliefs, and so that discomfort. That's why those
mantras feel so fake. And it's the same with self love.
If your brain is wired to criticize your body, those
I Love my body mantras feel like you're trying to
(06:25):
convince yourself that the sky is green when you've always
known that it's blue.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
It just doesn't compute. So let me give you a
few more examples.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
It's like if you've always seen yourself as the shy
one in a group, right, You've always believed that you're
quiet and reserved and that's just your identity, and then
one day you start telling yourself like, yeah, I'm the
life of the party. Your brain goes, well, hold up,
who are you talking about because that's not me, right,
that doesn't align with us, And so if it doesn't
(06:52):
align with your self image, it's going to feel fake,
and no matter how many times you say it, you'll
actually feel more disconnected instead of closer to believing it.
Or maybe you've always told yourself that you're bad with money,
and you know you've spent years reinforcing this belief with
your actions, and then one day you start repeating, you know,
I'm great with money, I'm a financial genius.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Right.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
Your brain immediately will resist that because it knows that
that's not the story that you've been living. Okay, so
hopefully you're getting my point. Like you see what I'm saying.
If the story you're telling yourself doesn't match your current beliefs,
it's going to create more friction. And on a brain level,
that friction actually activates that fight or flight response inside
(07:37):
your amigdala, which is the brain's threat center. And so
instead of feeling motivated by these positive mantras, which is
why we do them in the first place, your brain
registers it as a stressor and it throws up like
all kinds of defense mechanisms, you know, like your body
tenses up, your mind resists, and you end up feeling worse,
not better. So what do we do about that?
Speaker 2 (08:03):
So here's where the shift needs to happen. And this
is what I had to learn the.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
Hard way is you can't jump straight from self hate
to self love, Like, it just doesn't work that way.
And so if you've been your own worst critic for years,
you're not gonna wake up one day and suddenly believe
you're your own biggest fan. It's definitely a process and
one that I spend months with my clients on, right,
And so you have to rewire the way that you
(08:27):
think about yourself first, and science really supports this. To
create lasting change, your brain needs to be reconditioned. You
have to, you know, start building new neural pathways that
support the beliefs that you want to hold about yourself,
not supporting the ones that have had you stuck for
so long, right, or that you feel like you've been
stuck in for so long. And this holds true, Like
(08:49):
I remember standing in front of the mirror trying to
force myself to say things like I love you to
my reflection, but every time I did, it felt like
a lie, Like I couldn't even make eye contact with
myself because deep down I didn't believe it. And that's
because I hadn't healed the parts of me that still
carried all of that shame and doubt and self criticism
and really all that self rejection and those beliefs that
(09:13):
you know that I thought that my body was ugly
or broken or unlovable. But here's what's really going on.
Your brain is built to protect you, and so when
it doesn't believe the words that you're saying, it's not
going to let those positive affirmations through the gate. That's
why starting with smaller, more believable steps like neutral thoughts
(09:33):
acceptance thoughts, which we'll talk about, that's what makes all
the difference. So instead of aiming for self love right away,
what if we started with neutral and accepting right, those
acceptance thoughts, but that actually meet you in your doubt
right and again, like it's about like practicing not being
so mean to ourselves and not judging our bodies every
(09:54):
time we look in the mirror, and not beating ourselves
up for what we ate that day. But really starting
with the neutral acceptance side of it. So, for example,
instead of going straight from I hate my body to
I love my body, right, like roses and butterflies and unicorns,
I invite my clients to actually meet.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Themselves in their doubt.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
And right now, they're having some doubts about their body,
they're having some shame about their body, they're having some
unbelief about their body.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
And so I invite my clients.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
To meet themselves in that doubt and to meet themselves
in the emotions like shame or disappointment that they're currently experiencing,
because pretending they're not there it is not serving us.
And so this is where I'm going to share an example.
And again it's not a roses and butterflies example, but
it's real and it will actually resonate with you if
you're experiencing something like this, because it's real and it's
(10:42):
meeting us in our own doubt. So I'll just use
an example. The one of the most common ones that
my clients have is about their weight. Like a lot
of them come to me and they're like at their
heaviest weight, or maybe they've lost a lot and then
gained it all back. Right, So let's say you're at
a weight that doesn't make you happy, or maybe you
put on some weight and you're at your heavy and
this is again very common. But the data is like
(11:03):
if we just look at the facts, the data is,
this is what I weigh right now, like iweigh X,
Like that is the data, right, And then instead of
going down the drama rabbit hole around the data of like,
oh my gosh, what's wrong with me? I'm disgusting, I'm broken,
like how could I let this happen? Like drama, drama, drama,
but also instead of going down the positive affirmation rabbit
hole of like, no, I love you body right, which
(11:25):
is not going to feel real, and when you're in
those body hate moments, you're not going to believe it right.
So instead of going down either one of those rabbit holes,
I always invite my clients to start with acceptance even
when they don't like it, like acknowledging that they don't
like it and accepting that they don't like it.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
So what does that look like?
Speaker 3 (11:42):
So, like we said, the data is I'm the heaviest
weight I've ever weighed or whatever it is, or IWEIGX.
The new belief, the more neutral belief instead of like
a positive affirmation or going down the rabbit hole, is Hey,
you know what, I don't have to like that.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
This is what I weigh right now.
Speaker 3 (11:57):
In fact, it makes me sad, it makes me feel shame,
it makes me feel annoyed. And this is where you
actually experience the emotion and be emotionally available to yourself
in those moments. But this is also where the magic
comes in. So after you acknowledge like, hey, I don't
have to like that, this is what I weigh right now.
In fact, it annoys me, It makes me mad, it
makes me sad, but this is my weight right now,
(12:19):
like it is what it is. And the sooner I
can accept that this is what I weigh right now,
the suitor I can actually go do something about it.
But in the meantime, I refuse to take myself down
an emotional rabbit hole or a shame spiral, and I
refuse to become a victim to my circumstances or a
victim to my weight, because when I do that, all
I'm doing is adding suffering on top of the suck.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Right, And here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
It's about taking responsibility for our emotions and our emotions
don't always feel good, like when I feel shame, when
I feel sad, when I feel mad, that doesn't feel good, but.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Arguing with it, wishing it wasn't, so why is it
like that? How could I get here?
Speaker 3 (12:54):
All you're doing is arguing with the reality of what
is and adding suffering on top of the suck.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Right. So it's a matter of accepting.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
Things even when you don't like them. And again, accepting
doesn't mean resigning to it. It doesn't mean quitting, it
doesn't mean giving up. It just means accepting, like, this
is what it is right in this moment, right, And
it's also a neutral thought, it's an acceptance thought, and
that is the power of acceptance even when you don't
like it.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Right.
Speaker 3 (13:21):
And so you're not gonna lie to yourself and pretend
that you do like it, right, which is what a
lot of positive affirmations tell you to do. You're gonna
be emotionally available to yourself and meet yourself in your
real and raw emotions of like, yeah, I don't like it,
I feel shame, I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm disappointed. But
it also is what it is right now, and I
refuse to become a victim to that. I refuse to
(13:43):
keep focusing on the problem and taking myself down this
viral because all I'm doing is adding suffering on top
of the suck. Right, you're accepting the data even when
you don't like it. And this is just one example,
and that's obviously where the real work begins.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Right.
Speaker 3 (13:57):
But when you stop adding more judgment to the pile
and start just letting yourself be where you are, even
when you don't like it, even when it's not fun, right,
and then little by little you can shift from self hate,
which is really what a lot of those statements are,
to that self neutrality and self acceptance, and then eventually
(14:18):
to self love and self like and self appreciation. But
you can't skip through acceptance, right. Your brain will know
when you're lying to yourself. And so one of my clients, Anna,
you know, when she came to me, she'd tried all
the diets, she'd done all the mindset work, you know,
worked with a life coade, she even did therapy, and
she was doing positive affirmations every single day, but like
(14:41):
by noon, by lunchtime, she was tearing herself down because
she ate something that she deemed off plan right. And
so instead of focusing on food, and instead of focusing
on like, let's get you to loving yourself right now,
we started working on her acceptance and her neutrality stories, right,
the stories like I'm.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Never going to get this right or I'm just a failure.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
Like we rewired those stories first so that they stopped
becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. And then guess what, her
relationship with food. Not only did it shift on its own,
but then we were able to get in there and
shift it the rest of the way because once she
stopped seeing herself as a failure, she not only didn't
need food to comfort her anymore, but she stopped having
(15:23):
that failure story be a self fulfilling prophecy. But again,
it's never gonna work with like you're a failure, Like, no,
you're a success.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
I trust myself.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
We had to earn back her own trust and we
had to shift the stories in her narrative.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
So here's the deal, my friends.
Speaker 3 (15:38):
If those positive mantras feel like empty words, please don't
beat yourself up. You are not broken and you're not
a failure. You just need to start by addressing the
wiring in your brain and in your self image first,
because there's a whole identity rooted in your self image
that's been keeping you stuck. And once you start working
(15:59):
on that and how you see yourself and the beliefs
that come alongside that, everything else starts to shift. And
then everything else shifting is actually possible, but it has
to start with healing those deeper beliefs. And this kind
of shift in this conversation cannot be healed with. Again,
here's what I'm not saying, Like, notice we're not talking
(16:19):
about another diet, another food based approach, another exercise program,
because you cannot outsmart your brain with fake affirmations that
you don't believe either.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
Right, You've got to rewire.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Those beliefs in a way that meet you in your
doubt even when it sucks, right, and that meet you
in your current state of beliefs. And that is where
the magic starts happening. But this is what nobody's talking about.
It's like, oh, just practice this mantra, check this, you know,
post out on Instagram. That'll make you feel better for
five seconds, but then you end up feeling worse.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
And now you know.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Why, because you cannot outsmart or out positive affirmation your
true beliefs and the wiring in your brain.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
So that's it for today.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
Out I hope this helps you start thinking about this
kind of work in a new way, and we'll be
back next week with more Outweigh.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
But in the meantime, if.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
You want to learn more about how I teach my
clients to turn off the part of their brain that
is obsessed with food, obsessed with their weight, and really
spinning those negative stories in their self image, and go
rewire their own brain for peace and freedom, then head
on over to stressless eeating dot com and sign up
to watch the Stressless Eating sneak preview, where I've literally
(17:29):
peeled back the curtain.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
And walked you through the exact strategy.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
I teach my clients to heal themselves from that all
or nothing diet mentality for good, but also from the
poisonous stories in their self image. And we do that
without restricting them, without punishing their bodies, and definitely without
words like macroslow carb or calorie burns. So it's there
for you to access over on Stressless Eating dot com
(17:54):
and if you like Outweigh, I actually have another podcast
here on iHeart where I talk about all of this
self image and body image stuff, but from the perspective
of where brain science intersects faith, it's called What's God
Got to Do with It? And you can access it
here on iHeart or wherever you get your podcasts. So
that's it for today. I'm Lehone Ellington signing out and
(18:16):
I will talk to you soon.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Bye.
4 Things with Amy Brown News
Host
Amy Brown
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