November 5, 2024 • 14 mins
Are you a people-pleaser who says 'yes' even when you don’t mean it? Inspired by a listener's request for this topic, a quote from Kat, and a real-life example of Kat offering to record even when she’s sick…Amy dives into the reasons behind people-pleasing and why it’s so hard for some to say no, and she also shares tips for setting boundaries with kindness.
QUOTE:
“If we don't say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully, and that leads to far more problems than if we'd said no in the first place.”
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Email: 4ThingsWithAmyBrown@gmail.com
HOST:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to the fifth Thing. I'm Amy, and
normally this is where you'd hear another voice say, and
I'm Kat, but Kat is sick, like really sick. Here
is a voice text that I got from her earlier today,
and I'm playing it for you because it sort of
ties into the theme of today's episode. Stop saying yes
(00:25):
when you don't mean it. And Kat isn't really saying
yes in the voice text, but you'll hear her offering
to still record even though she is really sick, which
I get. Sometimes when you've got a work project or
you have something going on, you may still have to
show up. You may have to get out your computer,
you may have to hop on the zoom, you may
have to do something because well, people are relying on us.
(00:45):
But if you have a partner or someone at your work,
that's like saying, hey, I got you like, I can
do a solo episode or I'll cover that for you,
no worries, then take them up on it. Which Kat did.
I mean, she's not here, she's not recording. I'm doing
the solo episode, but I just wanted y'all to hear
Kat's voice. She's returning from a trip she went to
(01:06):
Italy with Big P which I cannot wait to hear
about this trip. I mean, this is a trip that
Kat has been looking forward to forever, and she's sacrificed
other things that she's wanted to do in life because
she's like, no, I would rather safe up and go
on my trip to Italy. So her voice text is
tying into today's episode along with the quote that she
sent me last week that is so good. And then
(01:29):
a listener also reached out asking for us to do
an episode about people pleasing. So if you're someone that
says yes all the time when you do not mean it,
or maybe even just you've said it like once and
you didn't mean it and you're scared you're going to
do it again, then you're in the right place, because
we all need to get to where our yes is
in our nose means something right. Here is the voice
(01:53):
text I got from Kat, and then after that, I'll
share the quote that she sent me.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Hooo, I am back from my travels and yesterday was
might be the worst travel day I've ever had in
my existence. I was sick on the first nine hour
flight and then started feeling better, and then our second flight,
I started feeling sick again. Anyway, I'm staying home today
and I can do zoom if you want to record
(02:19):
on zoom. But I don't know how fun I'm going
to be. Maybe i'll feel better this afternoon. Anyway, Hopefully
this doesn't last very long, and I'm so glad to
be back in America. But I can't wait to tell
you all what the trip was the best trip of
my life. And everybody thought we were on our honeymoon,
and everybody was saying how young we are, which was
so interesting. Anyway, talk soon. We have so much to
(02:41):
catch up on.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Let me know what you want to do, all right,
y'all send Kats some love because again she is not
feeling good. It is not pretty over there at all whatsoever.
And could you imagine being on an international flight and
being sick? Ah yeah, yeah, not good.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
All right.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Here's the quote that Kat sent me that I love
so much. It just sums up the struggle of saying
yes when you don't mean it so well. If we
don't say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully, and that
leads to far more problems than if we'd said no
in the first place. I think sometimes we just say yes,
thinking like, oh, that's just gonna be the easier thing
(03:17):
to do, and then it ends up costing us way more.
So I wanted to dig into why people pleasing even happens,
and there were a lot of different reasons that came
up in my research, but I narrowed it down to
some of the top ones. And I would say, my
sister is someone that is a huge people pleaser. She's recovering.
(03:39):
I feel like she's gotten better at boundaries, but I've
watched her do a lot of people pleasing and she's
probably even people pleased me. Maybe she should have had
a boundary with me at certain times. And I know
that I don't necessarily fall under the people pleasing category
of someone that is chronic with it. But I think
(04:00):
if there's ever a time that we're saying yes or
going out of our way when that's not necessarily what
we really want to do, or we don't have the
bandwidth for it, and we need to say no for ourselves,
Like if you've ever done that once, then you're susceptible
to doing it again. And what we want to do
is show up more authentically. So here's a quick rundown
(04:24):
of why people pleasing happens. First of all, fear of
rejection or conflict, Like a lot of people are people
pleasers because the fear of rejection like saying no, we're
setting a boundary can feel terrifying to them, like they
don't want anyone to think less of them. They may
also avoid conflict at all costs, believing it will create
(04:44):
discomfort or tension in relationships. And I think that I
show up this way with my kids because I'm an
adoptive mom and I want to show them love so much,
and I know that they need to know boundaries, and
I feel like at times I can say know to
them appropriately. But I have noticed lately there have been
(05:05):
times where I fear that if I don't say yes
to whatever it is, that I'm going to lose some
sort of a connection with them. Can any of your
parents right now relate to this at all? But that's
where my people pleasing has been showing up, Like I'm
people pleasing my teenagers, and that is not a good
place to be because I want a model for them
(05:28):
saying yes when I mean it and no when I
mean that, instead of building up any resentment or being
exhausted or tired or frustrated towards them because I'm the
one that ultimately said yes when I should have said
no to something. I mean, I'm the adult. Sometimes my
son will even he'll like be doing something and I'll
(05:49):
ask him a question about what he wants to do
when it's really a decision I should be making, and
he'll look at me and be like, I don't know, Mom,
You're the adult, and I'm like, oh, shoot, yeah, that's right,
the adult. Another reason that people people please that's hard
to say is seeking validation and approval. Like, for some
self worth is so closely tied to how others perceive
(06:13):
them and they just feel so valued and validated when
they're helpful and when they can show up for people,
and it can just be a major way to get
positive feedback or even praise from others, and that's how
they find their self worth. Another reason may be low
(06:34):
self esteem. So people pleasers often struggle with low self
esteem or self doubt, and they may believe that their
needs are less important than others, or that they must
earn their place and relationships by endlessly being so supportive
to everyone else, which hugs to you. If this is
something that you struggle with because your needs are so
(06:57):
important and you deserve to have them met. Another reason
for people pleasing is cultural or family conditioning. So many
people are just in a nutshell raised in environments where
saying yes, being agreeable that is what is expected, so
that is what they just end up doing throughout life. Also,
(07:18):
people desire to be liked. I mean, isn't that all
of us, Like, we all want to be liked. We
want to avoid any kind of criticism. So if you
agree with people and you say yes and you please others,
then yeah, then you're doing pretty good. Like you're more
likely to be liked so you think, and you're going
(07:39):
to avoid any criticism of maybe what your own thoughts are.
Another reason is empathy and sensitivity to others, which I
think this is a beautiful one. I mean, people who
are naturally empathetic, they often feel others emotions deeply, and
they may even feel responsible for helping maintain that, which
(08:01):
again I think is a positive quality to have, but
it can be really hard on that person. Again that's
neglecting their own needs. And then finally, unhealthy boundaries. I
think this can be a lot of us because boundaries
are hard. Like many people pleasers, they haven't been taught
to set or enforce healthy boundaries, and boundaries can feel
(08:21):
intimidating if you've never set them, you don't want to
let anybody else down. But without boundaries, then people end
up taking advantage or they don't really know how to
say yes. They're not in tune with their own feelings, thoughts, wants, desires.
They're just constantly invaded by other people. And something that
(08:43):
my therapist has told me multiple times and I really like,
is that boundaries are not walls. And so it's not
like saying, oh, I'm cutting out this person or this relationship,
or I'm setting up this wall and now no one
can get through it. It's simply a boundary. And when
other people around you are healthy and have healthy boundaries,
(09:04):
like they will understand your boundaries and actually they will
celebrate them instead of, you know, shame you for them
or criticize you for them, or people that do that
when you're trying to set a healthy boundary in a
very kind way, then they just don't understand boundaries. I
was thinking about characters that were used to seeing if
you're like a big friends watcher, or if you've even
(09:27):
seen The Devilwares Praduct. I feel like Anne Hathaway's character
is a perfect example of how people pleasing can show
up at work. She is constantly trying to meet the
impossible demands of her boss, and she's sacrificing her own
personal life. I just saw this on TV the other day,
so thinking about it. But her journey is beautiful in
(09:48):
that movie because eventually she learns how to recognize what
she wants and she sets boundaries and she's super empowered,
and her people pleasing dies down and she steps into
her own identity of who she is. And I don't know,
I just love that movie so much I kind of
forget about it, Like I don't think if you were
(10:10):
to ask me my top five favorite movies that it
would fall into there, But I don't know. It might
be close. Another example of the people user would be
Monica from Friends. She's always trying to meet people's needs
and sacrificing her own comfort to make others happy and
try to make everything perfect. I think she's also more
of a perfectionist people pleaser, but that's fictional characters, Like, so, yay,
(10:33):
they did it, but we have to do it here
in real life. So how does one start saying no
in a way that feels authentic and true and also
still feels kind. I think we have to realize that
saying no doesn't make us bad in any way, shape
or form, Like a polite no is so much better
(10:55):
than a yes that we don't really mean. And so
here are some ways that you can and set a
boundary or say no gracefully. One way would be to
give yourself permission to say it. Just give yourself that permission.
Oh I can't at this time, but thanks for thinking
of me. Or I've got a lot on my plate
right now, but I appreciate you asking. Those statements are simple,
(11:17):
they are kind, there's no guilt attached. You could also
practice saying in the mirror, like what if you have
to do it in person? I know a lot of
us would rather say no, we're set a boundary, maybe
on text or something, But if you've got to have
a conversation in person, either at work or in a relationship,
you could practice in the mirror. Like if you're really struggling,
you could look in the mirror and start telling yourself
(11:38):
in the mirror that you can't make it to whatever
it is XYZ, or you can't contribute to x y
Z or volunteer for this or that, or you can't
host this or that. Like practicing in the mirror seems silly,
but this is something that you do have to practice
and it will get easier over time. It's the repetition,
(11:59):
so you know, if you take one thing from this
short little episode. I was hoping to have Kat here.
She's the therapist, so she probably has far more tips
than I do. But I really want a big takeaway
to be say yes authentically or don't say it at all.
And I'm saying that to myself because I really just
feel like when we're true to our yeses, we're also
going to be more true to ourselves, and that way
(12:22):
we can show up with no resentment. And if this
is something you really really struggle with, then start small
and try one authentic no this week. I mean, it
might feel uncomfortable, but I think it's going to be
worth it. And remember that no is a complete sentence.
Sometimes that feels unkind. But we also don't need to
(12:42):
get paragraphs and paragraphs as to why we're not going
to do something. If you want to give like a
little something extra you can. But sometimes when you attach
like five reasons or five sentences or five paragraphs, who knows,
because you're just rambling on and on because you feel
bad and you don't want to just say no. It's
also just okay to say no, and it still can
(13:02):
be kind. So let's practice our authentic nos, and let's
all commit to saying yes when we mean it and
know we don't mean it, or even how about this
practicing know when we need it. Sometimes you need the no,
like you don't have the bandwidth in the day, You're
(13:23):
not able to do it, so you need the no.
All right, thank y'all for being here. Send Kat some love.
I am at Radio Amy and I will see you
on Thursday for four thanks. I'm going to be sharing
four principles that I want my family to live by,
like me and my kids. Chase is going to be
joining me, which, by the way, Chase and I are
(13:43):
not dating. Get messages about that anytime I post about Chase.
But he's going to be on sharing some principles from
his life, and I hope that it'll be an encouraging
conversation that will lead you to think about the core
principles that you want to live by, and I'll tell
you where this idea came from, and then kind of
the conversation that happened around that. I hope you are
(14:05):
having the day that you need to have, and I
will see y'all on Thursday. Okay, Bye, thank
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to the fifth Thing. I'm Amy, and
normally this is where you'd hear another voice say, and
I'm Kat, but Kat is sick, like really sick. Here
is a voice text that I got from her earlier today,
and I'm playing it for you because it sort of
ties into the theme of today's episode. Stop saying yes
(00:25):
when you don't mean it. And Kat isn't really saying
yes in the voice text, but you'll hear her offering
to still record even though she is really sick, which
I get. Sometimes when you've got a work project or
you have something going on, you may still have to
show up. You may have to get out your computer,
you may have to hop on the zoom, you may
have to do something because well, people are relying on us.
(00:45):
But if you have a partner or someone at your work,
that's like saying, hey, I got you like, I can
do a solo episode or I'll cover that for you,
no worries, then take them up on it. Which Kat did.
I mean, she's not here, she's not recording. I'm doing
the solo episode, but I just wanted y'all to hear
Kat's voice. She's returning from a trip she went to
(01:06):
Italy with Big P which I cannot wait to hear
about this trip. I mean, this is a trip that
Kat has been looking forward to forever, and she's sacrificed
other things that she's wanted to do in life because
she's like, no, I would rather safe up and go
on my trip to Italy. So her voice text is
tying into today's episode along with the quote that she
sent me last week that is so good. And then
(01:29):
a listener also reached out asking for us to do
an episode about people pleasing. So if you're someone that
says yes all the time when you do not mean it,
or maybe even just you've said it like once and
you didn't mean it and you're scared you're going to
do it again, then you're in the right place, because
we all need to get to where our yes is
in our nose means something right. Here is the voice
(01:53):
text I got from Kat, and then after that, I'll
share the quote that she sent me.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Hooo, I am back from my travels and yesterday was
might be the worst travel day I've ever had in
my existence. I was sick on the first nine hour
flight and then started feeling better, and then our second flight,
I started feeling sick again. Anyway, I'm staying home today
and I can do zoom if you want to record
(02:19):
on zoom. But I don't know how fun I'm going
to be. Maybe i'll feel better this afternoon. Anyway, Hopefully
this doesn't last very long, and I'm so glad to
be back in America. But I can't wait to tell
you all what the trip was the best trip of
my life. And everybody thought we were on our honeymoon,
and everybody was saying how young we are, which was
so interesting. Anyway, talk soon. We have so much to
(02:41):
catch up on.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Let me know what you want to do, all right,
y'all send Kats some love because again she is not
feeling good. It is not pretty over there at all whatsoever.
And could you imagine being on an international flight and
being sick? Ah yeah, yeah, not good.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
All right.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Here's the quote that Kat sent me that I love
so much. It just sums up the struggle of saying
yes when you don't mean it so well. If we
don't say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully, and that
leads to far more problems than if we'd said no
in the first place. I think sometimes we just say yes,
thinking like, oh, that's just gonna be the easier thing
(03:17):
to do, and then it ends up costing us way more.
So I wanted to dig into why people pleasing even happens,
and there were a lot of different reasons that came
up in my research, but I narrowed it down to
some of the top ones. And I would say, my
sister is someone that is a huge people pleaser. She's recovering.
(03:39):
I feel like she's gotten better at boundaries, but I've
watched her do a lot of people pleasing and she's
probably even people pleased me. Maybe she should have had
a boundary with me at certain times. And I know
that I don't necessarily fall under the people pleasing category
of someone that is chronic with it. But I think
(04:00):
if there's ever a time that we're saying yes or
going out of our way when that's not necessarily what
we really want to do, or we don't have the
bandwidth for it, and we need to say no for ourselves,
Like if you've ever done that once, then you're susceptible
to doing it again. And what we want to do
is show up more authentically. So here's a quick rundown
(04:24):
of why people pleasing happens. First of all, fear of
rejection or conflict, Like a lot of people are people
pleasers because the fear of rejection like saying no, we're
setting a boundary can feel terrifying to them, like they
don't want anyone to think less of them. They may
also avoid conflict at all costs, believing it will create
(04:44):
discomfort or tension in relationships. And I think that I
show up this way with my kids because I'm an
adoptive mom and I want to show them love so much,
and I know that they need to know boundaries, and
I feel like at times I can say know to
them appropriately. But I have noticed lately there have been
(05:05):
times where I fear that if I don't say yes
to whatever it is, that I'm going to lose some
sort of a connection with them. Can any of your
parents right now relate to this at all? But that's
where my people pleasing has been showing up, Like I'm
people pleasing my teenagers, and that is not a good
place to be because I want a model for them
(05:28):
saying yes when I mean it and no when I
mean that, instead of building up any resentment or being
exhausted or tired or frustrated towards them because I'm the
one that ultimately said yes when I should have said
no to something. I mean, I'm the adult. Sometimes my
son will even he'll like be doing something and I'll
(05:49):
ask him a question about what he wants to do
when it's really a decision I should be making, and
he'll look at me and be like, I don't know, Mom,
You're the adult, and I'm like, oh, shoot, yeah, that's right,
the adult. Another reason that people people please that's hard
to say is seeking validation and approval. Like, for some
self worth is so closely tied to how others perceive
(06:13):
them and they just feel so valued and validated when
they're helpful and when they can show up for people,
and it can just be a major way to get
positive feedback or even praise from others, and that's how
they find their self worth. Another reason may be low
(06:34):
self esteem. So people pleasers often struggle with low self
esteem or self doubt, and they may believe that their
needs are less important than others, or that they must
earn their place and relationships by endlessly being so supportive
to everyone else, which hugs to you. If this is
something that you struggle with because your needs are so
(06:57):
important and you deserve to have them met. Another reason
for people pleasing is cultural or family conditioning. So many
people are just in a nutshell raised in environments where
saying yes, being agreeable that is what is expected, so
that is what they just end up doing throughout life. Also,
(07:18):
people desire to be liked. I mean, isn't that all
of us, Like, we all want to be liked. We
want to avoid any kind of criticism. So if you
agree with people and you say yes and you please others,
then yeah, then you're doing pretty good. Like you're more
likely to be liked so you think, and you're going
(07:39):
to avoid any criticism of maybe what your own thoughts are.
Another reason is empathy and sensitivity to others, which I
think this is a beautiful one. I mean, people who
are naturally empathetic, they often feel others emotions deeply, and
they may even feel responsible for helping maintain that, which
(08:01):
again I think is a positive quality to have, but
it can be really hard on that person. Again that's
neglecting their own needs. And then finally, unhealthy boundaries. I
think this can be a lot of us because boundaries
are hard. Like many people pleasers, they haven't been taught
to set or enforce healthy boundaries, and boundaries can feel
(08:21):
intimidating if you've never set them, you don't want to
let anybody else down. But without boundaries, then people end
up taking advantage or they don't really know how to
say yes. They're not in tune with their own feelings, thoughts, wants, desires.
They're just constantly invaded by other people. And something that
(08:43):
my therapist has told me multiple times and I really like,
is that boundaries are not walls. And so it's not
like saying, oh, I'm cutting out this person or this relationship,
or I'm setting up this wall and now no one
can get through it. It's simply a boundary. And when
other people around you are healthy and have healthy boundaries,
(09:04):
like they will understand your boundaries and actually they will
celebrate them instead of, you know, shame you for them
or criticize you for them, or people that do that
when you're trying to set a healthy boundary in a
very kind way, then they just don't understand boundaries. I
was thinking about characters that were used to seeing if
you're like a big friends watcher, or if you've even
(09:27):
seen The Devilwares Praduct. I feel like Anne Hathaway's character
is a perfect example of how people pleasing can show
up at work. She is constantly trying to meet the
impossible demands of her boss, and she's sacrificing her own
personal life. I just saw this on TV the other day,
so thinking about it. But her journey is beautiful in
(09:48):
that movie because eventually she learns how to recognize what
she wants and she sets boundaries and she's super empowered,
and her people pleasing dies down and she steps into
her own identity of who she is. And I don't know,
I just love that movie so much I kind of
forget about it, Like I don't think if you were
(10:10):
to ask me my top five favorite movies that it
would fall into there, But I don't know. It might
be close. Another example of the people user would be
Monica from Friends. She's always trying to meet people's needs
and sacrificing her own comfort to make others happy and
try to make everything perfect. I think she's also more
of a perfectionist people pleaser, but that's fictional characters, Like, so, yay,
(10:33):
they did it, but we have to do it here
in real life. So how does one start saying no
in a way that feels authentic and true and also
still feels kind. I think we have to realize that
saying no doesn't make us bad in any way, shape
or form, Like a polite no is so much better
(10:55):
than a yes that we don't really mean. And so
here are some ways that you can and set a
boundary or say no gracefully. One way would be to
give yourself permission to say it. Just give yourself that permission.
Oh I can't at this time, but thanks for thinking
of me. Or I've got a lot on my plate
right now, but I appreciate you asking. Those statements are simple,
(11:17):
they are kind, there's no guilt attached. You could also
practice saying in the mirror, like what if you have
to do it in person? I know a lot of
us would rather say no, we're set a boundary, maybe
on text or something, But if you've got to have
a conversation in person, either at work or in a relationship,
you could practice in the mirror. Like if you're really struggling,
you could look in the mirror and start telling yourself
(11:38):
in the mirror that you can't make it to whatever
it is XYZ, or you can't contribute to x y
Z or volunteer for this or that, or you can't
host this or that. Like practicing in the mirror seems silly,
but this is something that you do have to practice
and it will get easier over time. It's the repetition,
(11:59):
so you know, if you take one thing from this
short little episode. I was hoping to have Kat here.
She's the therapist, so she probably has far more tips
than I do. But I really want a big takeaway
to be say yes authentically or don't say it at all.
And I'm saying that to myself because I really just
feel like when we're true to our yeses, we're also
going to be more true to ourselves, and that way
(12:22):
we can show up with no resentment. And if this
is something you really really struggle with, then start small
and try one authentic no this week. I mean, it
might feel uncomfortable, but I think it's going to be
worth it. And remember that no is a complete sentence.
Sometimes that feels unkind. But we also don't need to
(12:42):
get paragraphs and paragraphs as to why we're not going
to do something. If you want to give like a
little something extra you can. But sometimes when you attach
like five reasons or five sentences or five paragraphs, who knows,
because you're just rambling on and on because you feel
bad and you don't want to just say no. It's
also just okay to say no, and it still can
(13:02):
be kind. So let's practice our authentic nos, and let's
all commit to saying yes when we mean it and
know we don't mean it, or even how about this
practicing know when we need it. Sometimes you need the no,
like you don't have the bandwidth in the day, You're
(13:23):
not able to do it, so you need the no.
All right, thank y'all for being here. Send Kat some love.
I am at Radio Amy and I will see you
on Thursday for four thanks. I'm going to be sharing
four principles that I want my family to live by,
like me and my kids. Chase is going to be
joining me, which, by the way, Chase and I are
(13:43):
not dating. Get messages about that anytime I post about Chase.
But he's going to be on sharing some principles from
his life, and I hope that it'll be an encouraging
conversation that will lead you to think about the core
principles that you want to live by, and I'll tell
you where this idea came from, and then kind of
the conversation that happened around that. I hope you are
(14:05):
having the day that you need to have, and I
will see y'all on Thursday. Okay, Bye, thank
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Monster: BTK
'Monster: BTK', the newest installment in the 'Monster' franchise, reveals the true story of the Wichita, Kansas serial killer who murdered at least 10 people between 1974 and 1991. Known by the moniker, BTK – Bind Torture Kill, his notoriety was bolstered by the taunting letters he sent to police, and the chilling phone calls he made to media outlets. BTK's identity was finally revealed in 2005 to the shock of his family, his community, and the world. He was the serial killer next door. From Tenderfoot TV & iHeartPodcasts, this is 'Monster: BTK'.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.