Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
Okay, cats up little food for yourself life. Oh it's
pretty bad. Hey, it's pretty beautiful than beautiful. That a
little mouth's exciting, said he cut. You're kicking with four
(00:31):
Thing with Amy Brown. Happy Thursday. Four Things Amy here,
and we're just gonna have a little chat today. I
am sitting on my bed next to my dog with
my computer. I've been looking at emails. Tomorrow is my
mom's birthday, or it would be her birthday if she
was still alive. But I think I just got a
(00:53):
little emotional as I was prepping for the episode because
I thought, well, in honor of her birthday, maybe I
shoul to share one of my favorite things that she
would make, which was cherry Berry's on a Cloud. And
it's not a recipe she came up with. It's just
something that she was known for making, like she was
really good at making it. People would request it. I
(01:15):
would request it her friends for showers or any type
of event or gathering. People would be like, Judy, can
you bring cherry Barry on a cloud? And she would
and it's so good. And I just went into my
email and I searched, you know, Judy cherry Berry and
things popped up, and it just took me down memory
(01:37):
lane because there was this email that my sister had
sent out. Because Ben and I were married for years
in years in years, let me think you're almost seventeen.
We lived in Austin, some we lived in North Carolina,
and then we were back in Austin, and then we've
been in Nashville the last almost twelve years. So when
(02:01):
we were in North Carolina because Ben was in the
Air Force, I guess we were going back to Austin
for a visit, and my sister sent out this mass
email to everybody and it was like the Browns are
back in town, and she is the queen of hospitality,
and she was inviting everybody over and saying, hey, bring
whatever you can, or just bring yourself, it doesn't matter.
(02:24):
Judy's gonna make Cherry Berry's on a cloud. We're gonna
grill out and everyone's gonna have a good time. And
I was looking at everybody on the email, and even
my sister's husband. And then Ben and I aren't married anymore,
but we're still close and our families are close. But
all of those relationships came from my mom and her
friendships that she made and I was just thinking how
(02:48):
special it was that we would all gather together. And
I'm getting emotional because I miss that, I really do.
But I'm about to be with my sister and her
family for Chris, and I know we're going to be
gathering around the table, We're going to be cooking and
hanging out, and it's going to have that same vibe.
It's just not exactly how I saw it. Although Ben
(03:11):
will be in Colorado at the same time. Ish we
kind of overlap, so the kids will be with me
some and then they'll go be with him, and I
wonder if we'll all get together. I could see him
coming over because he's friends with them, and I have
gratitude right now for that. I have gratitude for these
memories of gathering and keeping it simple, just inviting people over,
(03:36):
and my sister's like, don't worry about anything, bring your kids.
Everyone will pitch in and help. I've got cribs if
you've got babies, and they just we're all about hosting
and community. Like when we were living in Austin. I
just remember that so much, my mom cooking, my dad cooking,
my sister cooking, and it looks a little different now
that my mom and my dad are god and Ben
(03:58):
and I are divorced, my sister is still really, really,
really good at that and inviting people over and having
extra chairs for people to pull up around the table.
And I guess my point here really is, I'm going
to link the or copy and paste the Cherryberry's on
(04:18):
a Cloud recipe and the show notes, because if you
have to go anywhere this holiday season, take this. It
will be a hit. It is so good. And if
you ever just have some time and you want to reminisce,
type in keywords into your email. I mean, I was
(04:38):
going all the way back to I think it was
two thousand and ten or twenty eleven that I saw
that email that my sister sent out to everybody, and
I copied and pasted that and I sent it over
to my sister so that she could reminisce. But then
I had to go find the actual recipe. So then
I had to google or search inside my Gmail my
(04:59):
mom's name and the Cherryberry recipe, and it popped up.
So I copied that and I'm going to drop it
in the show notes. But then I started looking at
emails from my mom and That's probably what got me emotional,
alongside the fact that it's her birthday tomorrow and she's
not here. But I had sent her this email of
(05:20):
this little garden I was growing because I wanted to
make fresh salsa. And I took a video and I
emailed it to her and she said, she said back,
let me tell you what she said here cute. She goes,
what's really in that planter? I said, cayenne, tomato and cilantro.
(05:41):
You don't believe me, And she said, Amy, tomatoes get huge.
Are you starting your garden with seeds? You don't have to.
You can buy tomato plants and that will be much faster.
And I said, mom, I started with seeds. I will
transplant them to separate pots when they get three inches tall.
It's as garden. Did you watch my video. I'm not scared.
(06:04):
I'm being patient. When it's time, I'll get to make salsa.
For Ben's smiley face. I said, my first sprouts came
in today. I just noticed about twenty minutes ago, and
I got so excited. And I don't even know that
version of me that decided to make a little salsa
garden from seeds. I had a garden, like a bigger
(06:25):
garden after that in North Carolina, because my neighbor was
a really amazing gardener. Her and her husband own a
restaurant in Southern Pines, North Carolina called Chef Warren's. If
you're ever there, you must go. Marian and Warren are amazing.
And Marian gifted me a garden for my birthday and
she came over to my house and we did the
whole thing and it was a full blown garden and
(06:46):
it was awesome. I guess this was me just trying
to figure out a little salsa garden, you know, with
my little seeds, well before Marian gifted me my real
garden in North Carolina. But I just thought my mom
was so direct often and just kind of like, what
(07:06):
are you doing? Why don't you just go by a
tomato plant? And I was excited with my little seats,
and I was trying to be patient and watch something grow.
And I want that version of me to get excited
about the little things and to be patient. And I
don't know that I'm not that person. I'm saying, I
(07:31):
don't recognize that person because it is so long ago,
and I guess I haven't really done the whole garden thing,
like I've wanted to. It's one of my hobbies that
I have had on my list for a long time
to pick back up on, especially because if there were
to be an apocalypse, I really think that that could
(07:52):
be my skill. Like I want somebody to pick me
to be on their team, and right now I don't
really know exactly what my skill is would be if
the world was ending and people were gathering together and
you had to be really particular, like, hey, I'll take
you on my team and on my team, like what
skills do you have because I think the world is ending.
Then we're not really podcasting, we're not talking, we're not
on the radio. Let's see, we're gonna be parenting. So
(08:16):
I can offer that I can help clean and organize
and take care of things. I mean, the organizing might
be a little sporadic. I wouldn't say I'm an expert organizer,
but I do like to make piles and I do
like to vacuum in mop So anyway, I have certain
things that I think I could do, But you really
need to set yourself apart and be desirable. And I
(08:39):
think if I could garden, I'm good I'll be able
to feed people. But who is this girl that was
like so excited to take a video of her little
salsa plants, her seeds, her little seed links to send
her mom, and then her mom doubt her and tell
her to just go get a tomato plant. So anyway,
(09:01):
happy birthday to my mom tomorrow, and I am grateful
for the little trip down memory lane that I took.
I will say something else I came across that likely
evoked some emotion within me, or some emails from when
my dad went missing. It's not something I've talked about
(09:22):
much at all, but it was in twenty ten and
we made these flyers, and I came across the attachment
of the flyers and we were sending them out everywhere
and putting them up all over the place, and I
found an email that I sent to my dad, and
I attached the flyer because we didn't know where he was.
(09:43):
We knew he was going through a hard time, and
he disappeared for about a week, but we didn't know
if he had some early dementia stuff happening, if he
was in an accident somewhere, or if he intentionally disappeared
and was never going to come back, or if he
had harmed himself in some way, and so we were scared.
(10:04):
We thought maybe he was just scared too and needed
a break, so we would call him and try to
leave messages, but his phone wasn't on. We were able
to like peeing the last cell tower it was on.
We had the police involved, and we were going to
hire a private investigator. Anyway, my email to him, I
(10:24):
think probably got me a little choked up because I
was saying, Dad, if you're seeing this, please come home,
like we love you and we want to help you,
and come home. And I remember, actually I was in
North Carolina when I found out he went missing, and
so I booked a flight to Austin for the next day.
(10:45):
Speaking of cleaning and vacuuming, that is what I do
in stress. When I have other things to do, I
will will procrastinate with cleaning and vacuuming and mopping. When
I am stressed, that is what I will also do.
And I remember vacuuming my entire house over and over
(11:05):
and over and over that night, and I couldn't wait
to just go to bed so I could wake up
and get to Austin. But before I could even go
to bed. I just had to vacuum for whatever reason.
And I do think I got that from my mom.
She was a vacuumer. She would vacuum every morning, and
we had carpet, like I have hardwoods, so it's not
as satisfying because I can't see the lines. But my
(11:26):
mom at our house growing up, we had carpet in
every room and she would have the lines, and I
think that that was very satisfying. So anyway sort of
derailed for a second there. About reminiscing through your emails,
(11:51):
I highly recommend it. You never know what you might
come across that even if it's a sad memory, you'll
think of the good time along with it. Like it's
sad to me that Ben and I are no longer together,
but I love that our families still gather like we
used to, and I love that Eventually we found my
(12:13):
dad and he was not okay, but he got better
and he was actually the best version of himself. Like
he hit rock bottom and it was the lowest of
the low for him, and it was in his last chapter,
Like if we've got these chapters of life, he was
(12:34):
definitely older and he was the best version of himself.
He finally was more present and emotionally available to us
and cared less about the hustle and work things and
money type stuff, not even really money so much for him.
(12:57):
He was just chasing ideas in sixths, like he was
a dreamer, and I think the money part would have
been awesome, but he would just invest, invest, and there
was highs and lows, and it was a roller coaster.
And again, if you've heard me talk about my fear
of money at times, I think it was because of
the roller coaster that I saw our family go on,
(13:18):
my dad go on, and I'm just like, oh, I
would to avoid money. That sounds like a better plan.
But with my divorce, I have since grown and matured
and I no longer have a fear of that. And
it's very empowering to be involved in your finances and
to make smart decisions for yourself and also be a
dreamer and take risks when you need to. But my
(13:39):
dad was this dreamer that would throw it all in.
He kind of would just give it all and then
get nothing, possibly or lose it all, and then he'd
work himself back up and then he may lose it all.
And that was when he hit rock bottom. That was
a time in which he had sort of put it
all on red. Just a little analogy there. Although when
(14:01):
my dad did go missing, one of my brother's thoughts
was for us to go check Las Vegas because he goes,
you know, Dad, what if he's just doing one last
effort in Vegas, like literally putting it all on red
to see if something will happen. But he wasn't in Vegas.
Turns out he left and was driving around Texas, ended
(14:21):
up in South Texas and knocked on one of his
good friend's doors. He had just been through a rough time,
lost everything, got divorced from his fourth wife. I don't
think she was pretty pumped that he lost everything. Some
of his best friends had all passed away. Again, he
was older, and he just was feeling really low and
(14:41):
was contemplating taking his own life. And I am so
so thankful that he didn't. And I do believe I
won't share everything that he said, but there were thoughts
and visions that he had of his children, us and
his grandchildren, and ultimately he just couldn't do it. So
(15:06):
he swallowed his pride and knew that things were bad
and that he'd probably caused a big mess being missing
for a week, but he went and knocked on his
friend's door in South Texas and then that friend called
us and he was like, Hey, your dad's here, I've
got him. And then he came back to Austin and
(15:26):
I remember him coming to my sister's front door and
us opening it, and he just looked so small, like
in that week, he had lost a lot of weight
and just looked so just like a shell of himself.
But he walked in and we just embraced him and
we said, Dad, we'd love you like it doesn't matter
(15:48):
to us the lows. We're still going to be here
for you. We're here for you in the highs, and
we're here for you in the lows. And that's what
family is. And family whether it's blue or family that
you have chosen through great friendships, but you have that
bond and you're there for people. And for whatever reason,
(16:08):
sometimes we think that we've let too many people down
or we've disappointed ourselves and again we've hit that rock bottom.
But I'm so thankful that he had that friend's house
that he could go to, and then that friend was
able to talk to him and say go home to
your family. They want to see you. But my dad
had so much shame, he was scared to do it.
(16:30):
And again, our relationship was so much better after all
of that. My dad had to shed a lot of
his ways and he just had to show up vulnerable
as is, and he did and it was a really
hard and beautiful time. But I came across anyway that
email where my dad was missing, and I have gratitude
(16:54):
that he returned, and I have gratitude for the emails.
Now I'm craving Cherryberry's on a Cloud because that would
comfort me right now. And really, today's episode I had
all planned out and supposed to be about toxic gratitude,
and here I am talking about gratitude. Which gratitude is
so powerful. That's the thing. Gratitude is amazing. It helps
(17:17):
us with so much stress, mental health. It makes our
relationships better. For me, gratitude is a reset button for
my entire body. I just feel better when I focus
on the good. I do think though, sometimes we mess
with it and we turn it into something that it's
not supposed to be. Like when I first started practicing gratitude,
(17:41):
I thought it meant ignoring my struggles. Now, this is
like way back. But then I was like, oh, I
can't do that. I need to make sure that I
still acknowledge my struggles like my mom did. Even with
pimp and joy, she wasn't ignoring the pain that she
was going through and just like, oh, yeah, what's up?
(18:02):
Spread joy, Choose joy, be joy. I'm joyful judy all
the time. But with gratitude, sometimes I wasn't doing what
I learned from my mom in the joy stuff, which
we lived in the herd, and we also lived in
the joy, and she knew where that joy was coming from,
and it was from the Lord. But I think sometimes
(18:22):
toxic gratitude might be when we just try to focus
on all the things we're thankful for and we don't
give anything to the stuff that might be a burden
to us at the moment. And I think it's safe,
even in your journaling, when you're journaling gratitude, to go
ahead and dump out some stuff that might not be
(18:44):
going so great. So toxic gratitude came to mind as
an episode after I read Mike Foster's newsletter. It just
got me thinking about it and some newsletters that I
get in my email and just kind of scam and
move on. But I like Mike Foster's newsletters a lot.
I usually read the whole thing. He just has a
(19:06):
way of pulling you in. My cousin Amanda, she's got
really great newsletters. Amanda Rieger Green. Her podcast is Soul
Sessions and she through soul Pathology dot com. You can
probably sign up for her newsletters there, but I really
like them. Lisa Hame has really great newsletters. She's my
former co host on Outweigh. I don't even know how
(19:29):
y'all would sign up for her newsletters now, but maybe
Lisa Haym dot com. But when she sends them out,
it's not all the time, but they are so good anyway.
Mike's newsletter was about toxic gratitude, and if you're curious
about what that is, I pulled this from his newsletters,
so he did a great job explaining it. So I'll
just say what he said. But it's when you're using
(19:50):
gratitude in a way that's actually harmful. Some examples minimizing
real challenges. He said, you know, when you tell yourself
I should be grateful because other people have it worse. Yeah,
that's not it. It's okay to feel what you're feeling
without comparing. Gratitude doesn't mean ignoring your emotions. Another example
(20:12):
would be forcing positivity. Have you ever been told to
just count your blessings when you're going through something really
hard that can feel dismissive. It's okay to take your
time and process before jumping to gratitude. And I think
that's where I was saying. I mess up sometimes with gratitude,
(20:32):
like I just think, Okay, I can't have anxiety or
stress about this, this or this if I am focusing
on gratitude. It's not possible. I've even interviewed a neurologist
on the podcast before that said it's impossible. So I
just start jotting down all my gratitude to kind of
force that out there. And I think what I need
(20:54):
to do is maybe spend some time with the other
things that are going on. Mike said that you can
balance gratitude with boundaries and ambition, but here's where it
gets tricky. Gratitude is great, but it shouldn't keep you
stuck in a bad situation or stop you from dreaming big.
Mike mentioned this example staying in an unhealthy relationship because
(21:17):
you're grateful not to be alone, and that one hit
me like, you can be thankful for what you've learned
but still know it's time to move on. I mean,
I've stayed in relationships when I knew I should move on.
And this doesn't even have to be just a romantic relationship.
(21:38):
It could be a friendship that maybe you know it's
to move on, but you might be thinking, well, at
least I have a friend or something. If you want
to keep gratitude real, like authentic and real, then we
can't ignore the hard stuff. We have to find meaning
in it. And Mike says we just need to do
(22:02):
a simple check in with ourselves, like think about times
that you've brushed off your feelings by saying you should
be grateful. Ask yourself if there's something you need to
face or change instead of just being quote thankful, use
gratitude to fuel where you want to go next. I
(22:22):
love that one. I want to use gratitude to fuel
where I want to go next. So thank you Mike
Foster for that encouragement. I'm excited about what is ahead.
So I'm going to be very very very intentional about
asking myself if there's something that I need to face
or change instead of just sitting down and trying to
practice my gratitude because I'm trying to cancel out an
(22:45):
stress or anxiety that I have going on, and gratitude
is helpful in that way. And Mike didn't say anything
about acting as if it's just something that's popping into
my head right now, because gratitude has helped me in
that way, Like I'm going to sit down, I'm gonna
act as if I'm very very very thankful right now,
and then we're just going to get there. And I
(23:06):
do think that that will work. But I think when
it comes to gratitude, I also need to start working
in things I maybe need to face. I don't want
to have any comparison itis. Leanne says that on outweigh
a lot, and and by comparing, I'm not comparing like,
(23:26):
oh I wish I had what they had. A lot
of times in my gratitude, I think things when I
know I shouldn't be thinking this, but I will say
to myself, we you definitely need to be grateful for
this because you have so much that these people don't have,
or you're you have this and they're going through that.
And yes, It's okay for me to acknowledge that, but
(23:49):
you shouldn't even be a comparison. So thank you Mike
Foster for talking about toxic gratitude in your newsletter, and
and may we all work on practicing gratitude in a
way that is honest and helpful even when life feels messy.
I'm gonna sign off for now. Thank you for being here.
(24:14):
Make sure to go cry if you need to release
some tears. I hope that you got something from this,
whether it's how you need to practice your gratitude or
how we can improve our gratitude practice, because I think
we're all trying our best, but it's just good to
kind of check ourselves at times. Speaking of gratitude, there's
(24:34):
still a four Things gratitude journal if if you want
to go check them out. Four things dot Com is
an easy way to find them, and you can practice
gratitude that way. But don't be scared to write down
other feelings or emotions in your gratitude journal just because
it's a gratitude journal. We have Mike's permission. We need
(24:54):
to allow all the feelings. We can't ignore them. We
need to face some stuff. So four Things dot com
for that one hundred percent of the proceeds go to Haiti.
I hope y'all are having the day that you need
to have, and that you have a wonderful upcoming holiday
weekend with your family and Christmas is next week, that
(25:15):
you get to be with loved ones, friends, whatever that
looks like for you. I know the holidays are often
hard for some people. There is a lot of joy
in the holidays, and there's also a lot of pain
and a lot of memories. So allow all of those
to exist at the same time. And if you're going
through something really painful this season, lean into it. You
(25:38):
will not be there forever. The only way out is
through and you will get to the other side, I promise.
All right. That is a wrap at Radio AM on
Socials until next time. Bye,