May 22, 2025 • 19 mins
Amy and Kat respond to an email from a listener struggling with adult acne, shame, and the emotional toll it can take (especially when you're also a parent trying to set a good example for your kids!) They unpack the layers of conflicting feelings: the embarrassment of breakouts, the guilt for feeling bad about it, and the frustration of being stuck in that cycle. Kat offers a therapeutic lens on how to let two opposing truths coexist, and Amy shares some tips for surviving Accutane. Whether you’ve battled acne yourself or not, this episode is a reminder that our feelings are valid, even when they’re messy.
Email: heythere@feelingthingspodcast.com
Call and leave a voicemail: 877-207-2077
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // @KatVanburen
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Good.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
If you ever have feelings that you just won home,
Amy and Cat gotcha covincking No, brother, Ladies and folks,
do you just follow an the spirit where tell us
front over real stuff, tell the chill stuff.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
And the m but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you
can do it just stop you feel things. This is
Feeling Things with Amy and Kat.
Speaker 4 (00:29):
Happy Thursday, Welcome to couch Talks. Our listener Q and
a episode to the Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
And quick disclaimer before we get into today's episode that
although we're answering your questions and I am a therapist,
this podcast does not serve as a replacement or substitute
for actual therapy.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
We hope it helps, sure do Okay.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Our listener is from a We're calling her A because
I don't know for sure for sure if we have
permission to say her name.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
But we appreciate y'all writing in, and.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
Sometimes we're able to email you back real quick and
be like, hey, do you care if we talk about
this and say your name? But it's not the case here.
So here's what a sent in. I have a lot
of shame and embarrassment about my adult acne. I have
tried almost everything, and I still get some bad breakouts
here and there. Usually it ruins the whole week because
it takes that long to resolve itself. I feel embarrassed
(01:24):
to go in public depressed and sulk around wondering why me.
On the other side, I feel guilty for being and
feeling this way because I know there are way worse
things out there that people are dealing with. I don't
want this to affect my mood and keep me from
doing things that I want to do, but it's hard
to pull myself out. I also hate setting this example
(01:45):
for my kids. Accutane is the last resort, and I'm
thinking about trying this, but the side effects are very
intense and scary.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Do you have any advice for me?
Speaker 4 (01:57):
It's lucky for a Both Cat and I have done accutane,
but I know that's the last resort for her, so
we'll focus on accutane towards the end. Like if anybody
else is considering it, we have some tips for you.
I would just say out of the gate, like I
quit acutane, so I'll just share that now. Like my
tips are going to be from like other people that
I know have done it and completed it. Kat went
(02:18):
all the way through. But I just know if you
do decide to do something like that, it gets worse
before it gets way better. So it's not even just
that things are going to get better, it gets way better.
And Kat and I were talking about it before we recorded,
and I said that statement out loud and Kat goes, huh,
kind of like therapy.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Yeah, yeah, That's what I tell every client in the
first session is this is probably going to get worse
before it gets better because you're going to do some things,
ruffle some feathers, change some things up. So don't quit before.
But they say in a lot of places, don't quit
before the miracle happens. It sounds like you did that.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Oh yeah, I quit before sometimes.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
You like, I can understand some people quitting acutane before.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
I was over it. Yeah, but therapy I went all in. Yeah, yeah,
it got worse before it got way better. And that
I can attest to, which I think acne or anything
that's you know, leading to some insecurity or impacting our
social life and how we're feeling, like that's part of
our mental health, and accutane something like that that strong
that impacts your mental health as well, So whether someone
(03:20):
happens to be on that or you're just trying to
journey through life dealing with acne, and then also feeling
this guilt of like, oh, other people have it way worse.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
What's your advice for a.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
So I can't ever and I try not to ever
tell people what to do, And even though I've done accutane,
I still would not tell somebody they should do it
or they shouldn't do it. But what I thought when
I was reading through this email was I empathized with it.
One from the acutine perspective and having acne and just
how that affects you, but also from the perspective of
(03:53):
which we've kind of talked about on a couple episodes,
of feeling like you're supposed to accept yourself and be
okay with certain things, and then living in a world
that at the same time also says you should look
this way and life is better when you look this way.
It reminded me of the whole braces, and like when
we were talking about that, when there's certain things where
people are like you should change that, and then there's
certain things people are like you shouldn't care about that.
(04:16):
It was like she was playing ping pong with herself
when I was reading the email, and so the two
things I heard were, I am frustrated and embarrassed, and
I have shame about what I look like and this
thing that I'm dealing with that it feels like I
shouldn't be dealing with anymore.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
And then I also have shame and embarrassment about how I.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Feel right and she wants to set an example for
a kid.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
Yeah, well, and I believe in all things, two things
can be true that conflict each other at the same time,
and we don't always have to pick a side. I
think that gets us in a lot of trouble when
it feels that we have to pick aside all the time.
But there's all these voices in our head that are
competing to win, and there isn't a clear winner. And
I don't think in this situation there's a clear right way,
(05:00):
right thing, the right thing to believe, right thing to do.
You could argue yourself both sides of this, of what
you should feel over here and what you should feel
over there. So rather than trying to have one, when
how do I create like coexistence of both of these things.
How can these both exist at the same time. I
can feel this and this can still be true. I
(05:20):
can be frustrated, and I can still know that this
isn't the biggest deal in the world. But just because
it's not the biggest deal in the world doesn't mean
you're not allowed to care about it, right, which I
think happens a lot not.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
I mean, what's the whole beyond acne like anything, Like
if you like you were having like a bad day,
but then you're like, oh, well, my best friend just
lost her mom or something like, you know, she's really
got it bad, Like I need to pull it together,
which sometimes that perspective can help, like be like, Okay,
maybe I need to appreciate life right now because someone
just lost their life. But also, depending on what's going
(05:51):
on in your life, your bad day can still be
a really bad day and you're allowed to have it.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Yeah, I'm smiling because what popped in my head as
you said that is, Kim, there are people dying.
Speaker 4 (06:01):
Yeah, from which car Dash, she's a little different.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
She lost her diamond ring.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
She can still be sad that she lost the diamond
ring and also be able to buy five hundred more
of those, right, and yes, people are dying. Yes, yeah,
So perspective is helpful, and it doesn't mean that something
doesn't matter anymore.
Speaker 4 (06:20):
You can't minimize your pain or whatever you're going through
just because it isn't as painful of somebody else's pain.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Comparative suffering, Oh, comparative suffering, yeah, tell me about it. Well,
So I worked in a treatment center for a long time,
and I hear this now in private practice too. But
what would happen in treatment is you're in group therapy
every day and you're hearing everybody's stories, and so people
would come into the group and they would be new
and they wouldn't want to share their stories because they're like, well, so.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
And so just shared this. My stuff doesn't matter, And
that's not helpful.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
That's not helpful for the person over here because then
she's like, oh, I'm so far gone that you don't
want to share your stuff because I'm so minded, so bad.
So it no matter what side you're on, that doesn't
really feel helpful. And also, compassion is not a finite resource.
So I can have compassion for your lost diamond ear,
or I can have compassion for you struggling with your ACNE.
(07:15):
I can have compassion for you having a hard day
at work and have compassion for somebody who's struggling with
a parent that's really sick, or a parent that has died,
or a friend that is going through something really hard.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
There is enough compassion for everybody. We have to just
believe that. I don't know who told us that it
was finite.
Speaker 4 (07:36):
We do a lot of comparing, yeah, all day long,
which we shouldn't because then that's the thief of a
lot of things, and joy being one of the main things.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
You hear that quote a lot, but I think that
we just naturally.
Speaker 3 (07:49):
Do it towards it.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
I feel like it ramped up a lot too during
COVID when people were comparing their situations to somebody else's situation.
And like COVID sucked for most people, there's something that
sucked about it for most people, whether or not you
died or whether or not somebody Well, if you're dead,
you know whether or not somebody died. Yeah, But I
also want to come back to this part too, and
(08:13):
to normalize being in that ping pong zone for a.
That's what we called her right A, because I think
as females. We can say as a human, but really
as women, we are shoved in this box of you
have to accept yourself, you have to accept your body,
you have to love your body, you have to feel beautiful.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
No matter what.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
And then every time we turn our heads, we're trying
to be sold something that's going to help our hair,
our face, this slimming top, this whatever new workout. Like, Okay,
you told me to accept myself, and now all I
see is these new products that I should buy that
are going to change my life because they're going to
change me. So if you're feeling shame for feeling that,
(08:53):
don't take all that responsibility.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
It's not all your to take.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (08:56):
Well, I'm just over here thinking, like I like my Sphinx,
well that's okay, or my skims from Kim people are dying,
people are that's okay.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
I think that.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I think it's okay for me to like it.
Speaker 4 (09:06):
I only bring that up because i was just packing
a bag for f to go to LA and I'm
wearing this skirt that like was like looking a little
wonky when I put it on, and then the minute
I put on my spanks or skims, I actually think
they are skims. Everything looked better, like the skirt just
fit better, and I.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
Was like, ah, thank you very much.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
So it wasn't even about like a just like, oh
me feeling better, It just like looked better at helped,
So it was thankful for that in that moment.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
Well, I think you're a good example of this.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
Tell me more.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
We get so much messaging, the saying you should look
this way, you should look this way, you should this
should be flat, this should be slimmed, this should be this,
And then over here we're getting messaging saying you shouldn't care.
That's an upheld battle to not care every single day,
but then you live in the society. We can't win.
This reminds me of the Barbie movie, the America Ferra.
(10:09):
That's who did that whole what do you call that?
A monologue at the end that was literally saying the
double standard we have we have to do this, but
we have to do this, we have to feel this,
but we have to feel this.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
We're never going to win.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
And then the people that we're supposed to be modeled
after aren't even real people.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
What's that song that's really popular right now? Yeah, I'm
so stupid. Hold on, Okay, you told me to get
a job and then you ask me where I've been.
I'm sister fit.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
You can't keep nothing clean. I just know there's an
F word.
Speaker 3 (10:40):
I'm so yeah, I'm.
Speaker 4 (10:43):
So you tell me that I'm smart until you tell
me that I'm not or something?
Speaker 3 (10:47):
What is that song?
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Yeah, we need the lyric.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
I'm so no, it's just.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
She says the F words. So that's why Holy young.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Yeah, but you go, I'm so messy? Is that it?
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Until you tell me that I'm not?
Speaker 4 (11:05):
And I'm so clean until.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
You tell me that I'm messy. Hold on, I just know.
Speaker 4 (11:10):
I like the part where shoes like because it is
it's so conflicting. It's like it's like you tell me
to get a job and then you ask.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Me where I've been.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
When I first listened to that song, I was so confused,
and then I was like, oh, I get it because.
Speaker 4 (11:22):
It is that Yeah, obviously talking about it, I would
have had those lyrics pulled up because that song is
a jam.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
It's so good.
Speaker 4 (11:30):
I was trying like TikTok with the curse word, but
I was hearing the radio edit a lot this weekend
because I heard it on the radio. So oh, and
I see the curse okay, and please don't cool.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
Okay, where's the chorus? I've been too blinking clean?
Speaker 4 (11:47):
You told me get a job, and then you ask
where the heck I've been? And I'm too perfect until
I open my big mouth. I want me to be me?
Is that not allowed? And I'm too clever and then
I'm too blinking dumb. You hate it when I cry
unless it's that time of the month. And I'm too
perfect until I show you that I'm not a thousand
(12:09):
people I could be for you, and you hate.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
The oh the hol daing Lot's that's my clean version.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Yeah, that's literally it so good.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
But yes, it's like, okay, you all need to be
this way. And then bay oh, I gotta be a
little pup. Yeah it is ping bong.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
And so when you're having those moments and you're feeling, well,
I shouldn't feel this way.
Speaker 3 (12:31):
I mean, we're going to we're going to feel that way.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
It's I don't need to change my whole entire life
and I don't need to reevaluate every decision I've ever made.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
What do I need to get through this moment? And
then come back to it.
Speaker 4 (12:43):
It reminds me of what we say at the end
of every episode, which is happen the day you need
to have And I know that it sucks that some
of the breakouts last a week, and it might be like, Okay,
right now, I just need to have the week I'm
going to have and then work on whatever treatment plan
you may need to come.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Up with, if that's what you decide to do.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
Like if you decide that you're going to do accutane
even though it's last resort, or there is there stuff.
I'm sure you've explored it, but is there stuff that
maybe could come in before accutane that might be helpful.
But just know that whatever you do, decide to do
some of those treatments and make it worse before it
gets way better. Yeah, and if you do decide to
do it, I mean, moisturize the heck out of your face.
(13:21):
That's why I quit. I wasn't responsible and moisturizing. I
was in college and I if I were to do
it now, I could complete it. But at that stage
in my life, like my roommates and I were just
not responsible enough and my lips were cracking and I
could barely open my mouth and they're just like you
could barely eat, And I was like having to suck
through a straw because my lips. Like you need to
(13:41):
get aqua for and moisturize. It's like crazy.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
They should give you like a starter pack that comes
with like a because when I did it too, how
did I survive it? People didn't moisturize their skin. I
washed my skin with that grapefruit scrub.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
That you will scrub.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
No scrub, no scrub. You did the apricot that scrub.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Now it was the grapefruit one. Whatever dried my skin
out even more. I just wanted my spack then. I
wanted my skin to be dry because I didn't understand.
I didn't understand back then what the moisture barrier was
or any of that. So I just wanted to suck
all the moisture out of my skin. I would have
never put moisturizer.
Speaker 4 (14:16):
What's that disclaimer thing you say at the beginning of
the episode, What do you mean.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
I'm not telling people to do this, Yeah, don't do this. No,
I'm saying I should have been given a starter pack.
Speaker 4 (14:26):
Yeah, I cannot believe that you were doing that scrub like,
no scrub of the face, no waxing of the face.
Like your skin is so sensitive when you're on it,
so you need sunscreen.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
Wait, I lied, I'm a liar again.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I used that in college, but during acutane they gave
me that La rochet postse.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Or whatever it is. They have it at CBS.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
I know when they first sat on fans when they
put it in target, I was like, wait, I used
to have to go to the dermatologists to get this,
but I used a gentle cleanser.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
I was, I was a liar.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Okay, thank you for admitting that.
Speaker 4 (14:58):
Sometimes, you know, we talk so fast that we do
realize and then it's okay to circle back and be like,
you know what, I thought you had that wrong.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
That's totally not true.
Speaker 4 (15:05):
So my tips for acutane, if anybody else is think
about doing it, Moisturize constantly, stay hydrated, got to drink
lots of water. Monitor your mood because it can affect
your mental health. Wear sunscreen daily SPF fifty even because
your skin is so sensitive to the sun. Use gentle products,
avoid exfoliance, retinol, harsh cleansers, stick to mild hydrating formulas.
(15:30):
Protect the eyes and the nose, Like you may even
have to get like eye drops because your eyes will
get really dry. Aqua four you can put that around
your lips and around your nostrils. Don't do any kind
of waxing or anything like that if you take it
with fatty foods.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
I did see like.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
I was doing a little bit of research. My friend
had put up a blog about this too, like how
to survive it. But if you want maximum absorption of
some supplements you're taking, always research how to take them,
because you if you're taking it, you want your body
to absorb it adequately, and if you take it with
fatty foods, it absorbs better. To think like avocado nut
butters eggs with the yolk.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
I won't be doing that.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
I wish that because when I took it was fifteen
years ago, probably there wasn't as much information. So I
just got my information from my dermatologists and they just
basically were like, don't get pregnant.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Oh that's another thing, Yeah, don't have it.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Maybe on acutank you have to have like multiple forms
of birth control in order to get I didn't.
Speaker 4 (16:27):
I got access to it with note because I swore
my friend's dad as a doctor, and he prescribed it
for us, and we were like, we're not doing it.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Didn't you take your blood taken every month?
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Yeah, for my kidneys or something. You would do our blood.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
He was like he was a doctor, trusteeing that you
were well, you could just say an abstinent and using
condoms that could be your birth control.
Speaker 4 (16:46):
Well, we were absent. I wasn't having sex, so it
was fine. I was young.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
But you had to also say even if you use that,
you had to be like, I'm also going to use
condoms even though I'm not having sex, which I thought
was so stupid.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
But I guess they just have to cover their booties.
Speaker 4 (17:01):
Yeah, I guess. Since he was a doctor and he's
my friend's dad, she was taking it too.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
He was like my children.
Speaker 4 (17:05):
And then we have those little like little tabs all
over our APARTMT with like the pregnant women with this
red circle and a line through it.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
People would come over and be like, what are you
all up to over here?
Speaker 4 (17:14):
You're on?
Speaker 3 (17:16):
But I was gonna say, I wish that I had
all this information.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
One thing that could be helpful is to talk to
if you haven't, which I don't know if it sounds
like this is last resort, so you might have already
done this, but I wish I would have had like
an esthetician friend or somebody who's been trained in understanding
the signs of the skin to talk about what accutane
would do, so I just would be even if I
did it, I would be more informed about it.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Well, good luck, A. I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Speaker 4 (17:41):
I love that you are processing it for yourself, but
also because you want to be a good example for
your kids and sometimes how we handle life our kids
are watching. I saw a really cute all closed with
this like a like a real It was like a
mom and a daughter, and it was from the daughter's
point of view and her and her mom were doing
this little dance what's it called, like mirror mirror neurons
(18:01):
right where we just behave like the people that are
around us. And she's like, my mom understands mirror neurons.
That's why she works so hard on herself, and that's
so she can be a good example to her. And
it was so cute, Like I thought, Oh, what a
great mom. And so it's good when we want to
take into account because people will be like huh whatever.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
I'm just gonna behave. I'm gonna behave and act I
want to act, and good luck.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Yeah, my kids wouldn't notice.
Speaker 4 (18:27):
All right, So good luck A and we love hearing
from y' all. You can email us hey, they're at
Feeling Things podcast dot com. You can also call and
leave a voicemail eight seven seven two o seven two
o seven seven.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
It's easy to remember, but I can't remember that. And
on Instagram at Feeling Things podcast, and on YouTube Feeling
Things with Amy a Cat, and on TikTok at is
it at Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 4 (18:52):
Yeah, and just like and subscribe everywhere. Please all the
things all right, and most importantly, have the day you
need to have.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Bye bye
Good.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
If you ever have feelings that you just won home,
Amy and Cat gotcha covincking No, brother, Ladies and folks,
do you just follow an the spirit where tell us
front over real stuff, tell the chill stuff.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
And the m but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you
can do it just stop you feel things. This is
Feeling Things with Amy and Kat.
Speaker 4 (00:29):
Happy Thursday, Welcome to couch Talks. Our listener Q and
a episode to the Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
And quick disclaimer before we get into today's episode that
although we're answering your questions and I am a therapist,
this podcast does not serve as a replacement or substitute
for actual therapy.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
We hope it helps, sure do Okay.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Our listener is from a We're calling her A because
I don't know for sure for sure if we have
permission to say her name.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
But we appreciate y'all writing in, and.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
Sometimes we're able to email you back real quick and
be like, hey, do you care if we talk about
this and say your name? But it's not the case here.
So here's what a sent in. I have a lot
of shame and embarrassment about my adult acne. I have
tried almost everything, and I still get some bad breakouts
here and there. Usually it ruins the whole week because
it takes that long to resolve itself. I feel embarrassed
(01:24):
to go in public depressed and sulk around wondering why me.
On the other side, I feel guilty for being and
feeling this way because I know there are way worse
things out there that people are dealing with. I don't
want this to affect my mood and keep me from
doing things that I want to do, but it's hard
to pull myself out. I also hate setting this example
(01:45):
for my kids. Accutane is the last resort, and I'm
thinking about trying this, but the side effects are very
intense and scary.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Do you have any advice for me?
Speaker 4 (01:57):
It's lucky for a Both Cat and I have done accutane,
but I know that's the last resort for her, so
we'll focus on accutane towards the end. Like if anybody
else is considering it, we have some tips for you.
I would just say out of the gate, like I
quit acutane, so I'll just share that now. Like my
tips are going to be from like other people that
I know have done it and completed it. Kat went
(02:18):
all the way through. But I just know if you
do decide to do something like that, it gets worse
before it gets way better. So it's not even just
that things are going to get better, it gets way better.
And Kat and I were talking about it before we recorded,
and I said that statement out loud and Kat goes, huh,
kind of like therapy.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Yeah, yeah, That's what I tell every client in the
first session is this is probably going to get worse
before it gets better because you're going to do some things,
ruffle some feathers, change some things up. So don't quit before.
But they say in a lot of places, don't quit
before the miracle happens. It sounds like you did that.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Oh yeah, I quit before sometimes.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
You like, I can understand some people quitting acutane before.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
I was over it. Yeah, but therapy I went all in. Yeah, yeah,
it got worse before it got way better. And that
I can attest to, which I think acne or anything
that's you know, leading to some insecurity or impacting our
social life and how we're feeling, like that's part of
our mental health, and accutane something like that that strong
that impacts your mental health as well, So whether someone
(03:20):
happens to be on that or you're just trying to
journey through life dealing with acne, and then also feeling
this guilt of like, oh, other people have it way worse.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
What's your advice for a.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
So I can't ever and I try not to ever
tell people what to do, And even though I've done accutane,
I still would not tell somebody they should do it
or they shouldn't do it. But what I thought when
I was reading through this email was I empathized with it.
One from the acutine perspective and having acne and just
how that affects you, but also from the perspective of
(03:53):
which we've kind of talked about on a couple episodes,
of feeling like you're supposed to accept yourself and be
okay with certain things, and then living in a world
that at the same time also says you should look
this way and life is better when you look this way.
It reminded me of the whole braces, and like when
we were talking about that, when there's certain things where
people are like you should change that, and then there's
certain things people are like you shouldn't care about that.
(04:16):
It was like she was playing ping pong with herself
when I was reading the email, and so the two
things I heard were, I am frustrated and embarrassed, and
I have shame about what I look like and this
thing that I'm dealing with that it feels like I
shouldn't be dealing with anymore.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
And then I also have shame and embarrassment about how I.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Feel right and she wants to set an example for
a kid.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
Yeah, well, and I believe in all things, two things
can be true that conflict each other at the same time,
and we don't always have to pick a side. I
think that gets us in a lot of trouble when
it feels that we have to pick aside all the time.
But there's all these voices in our head that are
competing to win, and there isn't a clear winner. And
I don't think in this situation there's a clear right way,
(05:00):
right thing, the right thing to believe, right thing to do.
You could argue yourself both sides of this, of what
you should feel over here and what you should feel
over there. So rather than trying to have one, when
how do I create like coexistence of both of these things.
How can these both exist at the same time. I
can feel this and this can still be true. I
(05:20):
can be frustrated, and I can still know that this
isn't the biggest deal in the world. But just because
it's not the biggest deal in the world doesn't mean
you're not allowed to care about it, right, which I
think happens a lot not.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
I mean, what's the whole beyond acne like anything, Like
if you like you were having like a bad day,
but then you're like, oh, well, my best friend just
lost her mom or something like, you know, she's really
got it bad, Like I need to pull it together,
which sometimes that perspective can help, like be like, Okay,
maybe I need to appreciate life right now because someone
just lost their life. But also, depending on what's going
(05:51):
on in your life, your bad day can still be
a really bad day and you're allowed to have it.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Yeah, I'm smiling because what popped in my head as
you said that is, Kim, there are people dying.
Speaker 4 (06:01):
Yeah, from which car Dash, she's a little different.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
She lost her diamond ring.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
She can still be sad that she lost the diamond
ring and also be able to buy five hundred more
of those, right, and yes, people are dying. Yes, yeah,
So perspective is helpful, and it doesn't mean that something
doesn't matter anymore.
Speaker 4 (06:20):
You can't minimize your pain or whatever you're going through
just because it isn't as painful of somebody else's pain.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Comparative suffering, Oh, comparative suffering, yeah, tell me about it. Well,
So I worked in a treatment center for a long time,
and I hear this now in private practice too. But
what would happen in treatment is you're in group therapy
every day and you're hearing everybody's stories, and so people
would come into the group and they would be new
and they wouldn't want to share their stories because they're like, well, so.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
And so just shared this. My stuff doesn't matter, And
that's not helpful.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
That's not helpful for the person over here because then
she's like, oh, I'm so far gone that you don't
want to share your stuff because I'm so minded, so bad.
So it no matter what side you're on, that doesn't
really feel helpful. And also, compassion is not a finite resource.
So I can have compassion for your lost diamond ear,
or I can have compassion for you struggling with your ACNE.
(07:15):
I can have compassion for you having a hard day
at work and have compassion for somebody who's struggling with
a parent that's really sick, or a parent that has died,
or a friend that is going through something really hard.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
There is enough compassion for everybody. We have to just
believe that. I don't know who told us that it
was finite.
Speaker 4 (07:36):
We do a lot of comparing, yeah, all day long,
which we shouldn't because then that's the thief of a
lot of things, and joy being one of the main things.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
You hear that quote a lot, but I think that
we just naturally.
Speaker 3 (07:49):
Do it towards it.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
I feel like it ramped up a lot too during
COVID when people were comparing their situations to somebody else's situation.
And like COVID sucked for most people, there's something that
sucked about it for most people, whether or not you
died or whether or not somebody Well, if you're dead,
you know whether or not somebody died. Yeah, But I
also want to come back to this part too, and
(08:13):
to normalize being in that ping pong zone for a.
That's what we called her right A, because I think
as females. We can say as a human, but really
as women, we are shoved in this box of you
have to accept yourself, you have to accept your body,
you have to love your body, you have to feel beautiful.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
No matter what.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
And then every time we turn our heads, we're trying
to be sold something that's going to help our hair,
our face, this slimming top, this whatever new workout. Like, Okay,
you told me to accept myself, and now all I
see is these new products that I should buy that
are going to change my life because they're going to
change me. So if you're feeling shame for feeling that,
(08:53):
don't take all that responsibility.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
It's not all your to take.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (08:56):
Well, I'm just over here thinking, like I like my Sphinx,
well that's okay, or my skims from Kim people are dying,
people are that's okay.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
I think that.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I think it's okay for me to like it.
Speaker 4 (09:06):
I only bring that up because i was just packing
a bag for f to go to LA and I'm
wearing this skirt that like was like looking a little
wonky when I put it on, and then the minute
I put on my spanks or skims, I actually think
they are skims. Everything looked better, like the skirt just
fit better, and I.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
Was like, ah, thank you very much.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
So it wasn't even about like a just like, oh
me feeling better, It just like looked better at helped,
So it was thankful for that in that moment.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
Well, I think you're a good example of this.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
Tell me more.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
We get so much messaging, the saying you should look
this way, you should look this way, you should this
should be flat, this should be slimmed, this should be this,
And then over here we're getting messaging saying you shouldn't care.
That's an upheld battle to not care every single day,
but then you live in the society. We can't win.
This reminds me of the Barbie movie, the America Ferra.
(10:09):
That's who did that whole what do you call that?
A monologue at the end that was literally saying the
double standard we have we have to do this, but
we have to do this, we have to feel this,
but we have to feel this.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
We're never going to win.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
And then the people that we're supposed to be modeled
after aren't even real people.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
What's that song that's really popular right now? Yeah, I'm
so stupid. Hold on, Okay, you told me to get
a job and then you ask me where I've been.
I'm sister fit.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
You can't keep nothing clean. I just know there's an
F word.
Speaker 3 (10:40):
I'm so yeah, I'm.
Speaker 4 (10:43):
So you tell me that I'm smart until you tell
me that I'm not or something?
Speaker 3 (10:47):
What is that song?
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Yeah, we need the lyric.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
I'm so no, it's just.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
She says the F words. So that's why Holy young.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Yeah, but you go, I'm so messy? Is that it?
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Until you tell me that I'm not?
Speaker 4 (11:05):
And I'm so clean until.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
You tell me that I'm messy. Hold on, I just know.
Speaker 4 (11:10):
I like the part where shoes like because it is
it's so conflicting. It's like it's like you tell me
to get a job and then you ask.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Me where I've been.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
When I first listened to that song, I was so confused,
and then I was like, oh, I get it because.
Speaker 4 (11:22):
It is that Yeah, obviously talking about it, I would
have had those lyrics pulled up because that song is
a jam.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
It's so good.
Speaker 4 (11:30):
I was trying like TikTok with the curse word, but
I was hearing the radio edit a lot this weekend
because I heard it on the radio. So oh, and
I see the curse okay, and please don't cool.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
Okay, where's the chorus? I've been too blinking clean?
Speaker 4 (11:47):
You told me get a job, and then you ask
where the heck I've been? And I'm too perfect until
I open my big mouth. I want me to be me?
Is that not allowed? And I'm too clever and then
I'm too blinking dumb. You hate it when I cry
unless it's that time of the month. And I'm too
perfect until I show you that I'm not a thousand
(12:09):
people I could be for you, and you hate.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
The oh the hol daing Lot's that's my clean version.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Yeah, that's literally it so good.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
But yes, it's like, okay, you all need to be
this way. And then bay oh, I gotta be a
little pup. Yeah it is ping bong.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
And so when you're having those moments and you're feeling, well,
I shouldn't feel this way.
Speaker 3 (12:31):
I mean, we're going to we're going to feel that way.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
It's I don't need to change my whole entire life
and I don't need to reevaluate every decision I've ever made.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
What do I need to get through this moment? And
then come back to it.
Speaker 4 (12:43):
It reminds me of what we say at the end
of every episode, which is happen the day you need
to have And I know that it sucks that some
of the breakouts last a week, and it might be like, Okay,
right now, I just need to have the week I'm
going to have and then work on whatever treatment plan
you may need to come.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Up with, if that's what you decide to do.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
Like if you decide that you're going to do accutane
even though it's last resort, or there is there stuff.
I'm sure you've explored it, but is there stuff that
maybe could come in before accutane that might be helpful.
But just know that whatever you do, decide to do
some of those treatments and make it worse before it
gets way better. Yeah, and if you do decide to
do it, I mean, moisturize the heck out of your face.
(13:21):
That's why I quit. I wasn't responsible and moisturizing. I
was in college and I if I were to do
it now, I could complete it. But at that stage
in my life, like my roommates and I were just
not responsible enough and my lips were cracking and I
could barely open my mouth and they're just like you
could barely eat, And I was like having to suck
through a straw because my lips. Like you need to
(13:41):
get aqua for and moisturize. It's like crazy.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
They should give you like a starter pack that comes
with like a because when I did it too, how
did I survive it? People didn't moisturize their skin. I
washed my skin with that grapefruit scrub.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
That you will scrub.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
No scrub, no scrub. You did the apricot that scrub.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Now it was the grapefruit one. Whatever dried my skin
out even more. I just wanted my spack then. I
wanted my skin to be dry because I didn't understand.
I didn't understand back then what the moisture barrier was
or any of that. So I just wanted to suck
all the moisture out of my skin. I would have
never put moisturizer.
Speaker 4 (14:16):
What's that disclaimer thing you say at the beginning of
the episode, What do you mean.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
I'm not telling people to do this, Yeah, don't do this. No,
I'm saying I should have been given a starter pack.
Speaker 4 (14:26):
Yeah, I cannot believe that you were doing that scrub like,
no scrub of the face, no waxing of the face.
Like your skin is so sensitive when you're on it,
so you need sunscreen.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
Wait, I lied, I'm a liar again.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I used that in college, but during acutane they gave
me that La rochet postse.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Or whatever it is. They have it at CBS.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
I know when they first sat on fans when they
put it in target, I was like, wait, I used
to have to go to the dermatologists to get this,
but I used a gentle cleanser.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
I was, I was a liar.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Okay, thank you for admitting that.
Speaker 4 (14:58):
Sometimes, you know, we talk so fast that we do
realize and then it's okay to circle back and be like,
you know what, I thought you had that wrong.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
That's totally not true.
Speaker 4 (15:05):
So my tips for acutane, if anybody else is think
about doing it, Moisturize constantly, stay hydrated, got to drink
lots of water. Monitor your mood because it can affect
your mental health. Wear sunscreen daily SPF fifty even because
your skin is so sensitive to the sun. Use gentle products,
avoid exfoliance, retinol, harsh cleansers, stick to mild hydrating formulas.
(15:30):
Protect the eyes and the nose, Like you may even
have to get like eye drops because your eyes will
get really dry. Aqua four you can put that around
your lips and around your nostrils. Don't do any kind
of waxing or anything like that if you take it
with fatty foods.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
I did see like.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
I was doing a little bit of research. My friend
had put up a blog about this too, like how
to survive it. But if you want maximum absorption of
some supplements you're taking, always research how to take them,
because you if you're taking it, you want your body
to absorb it adequately, and if you take it with
fatty foods, it absorbs better. To think like avocado nut
butters eggs with the yolk.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
I won't be doing that.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
I wish that because when I took it was fifteen
years ago, probably there wasn't as much information. So I
just got my information from my dermatologists and they just
basically were like, don't get pregnant.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Oh that's another thing, Yeah, don't have it.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Maybe on acutank you have to have like multiple forms
of birth control in order to get I didn't.
Speaker 4 (16:27):
I got access to it with note because I swore
my friend's dad as a doctor, and he prescribed it
for us, and we were like, we're not doing it.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Didn't you take your blood taken every month?
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Yeah, for my kidneys or something. You would do our blood.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
He was like he was a doctor, trusteeing that you
were well, you could just say an abstinent and using
condoms that could be your birth control.
Speaker 4 (16:46):
Well, we were absent. I wasn't having sex, so it
was fine. I was young.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
But you had to also say even if you use that,
you had to be like, I'm also going to use
condoms even though I'm not having sex, which I thought
was so stupid.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
But I guess they just have to cover their booties.
Speaker 4 (17:01):
Yeah, I guess. Since he was a doctor and he's
my friend's dad, she was taking it too.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
He was like my children.
Speaker 4 (17:05):
And then we have those little like little tabs all
over our APARTMT with like the pregnant women with this
red circle and a line through it.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
People would come over and be like, what are you
all up to over here?
Speaker 4 (17:14):
You're on?
Speaker 3 (17:16):
But I was gonna say, I wish that I had
all this information.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
One thing that could be helpful is to talk to
if you haven't, which I don't know if it sounds
like this is last resort, so you might have already
done this, but I wish I would have had like
an esthetician friend or somebody who's been trained in understanding
the signs of the skin to talk about what accutane
would do, so I just would be even if I
did it, I would be more informed about it.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Well, good luck, A. I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Speaker 4 (17:41):
I love that you are processing it for yourself, but
also because you want to be a good example for
your kids and sometimes how we handle life our kids
are watching. I saw a really cute all closed with
this like a like a real It was like a
mom and a daughter, and it was from the daughter's
point of view and her and her mom were doing
this little dance what's it called, like mirror mirror neurons
(18:01):
right where we just behave like the people that are
around us. And she's like, my mom understands mirror neurons.
That's why she works so hard on herself, and that's
so she can be a good example to her. And
it was so cute, Like I thought, Oh, what a
great mom. And so it's good when we want to
take into account because people will be like huh whatever.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
I'm just gonna behave. I'm gonna behave and act I
want to act, and good luck.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Yeah, my kids wouldn't notice.
Speaker 4 (18:27):
All right, So good luck A and we love hearing
from y' all. You can email us hey, they're at
Feeling Things podcast dot com. You can also call and
leave a voicemail eight seven seven two o seven two
o seven seven.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
It's easy to remember, but I can't remember that. And
on Instagram at Feeling Things podcast, and on YouTube Feeling
Things with Amy a Cat, and on TikTok at is
it at Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 4 (18:52):
Yeah, and just like and subscribe everywhere. Please all the
things all right, and most importantly, have the day you
need to have.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Bye bye
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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