May 26, 2020 • 25 mins
This is Amy’s ‘5th Thing’ (a bonus episode) where she answers your questions every Tuesday! ‘4 Things With Amy Brown’ comes out every Thursday, but on Tuesdays Amy answers questions you’ve emailed in. On today’s episode Amy has therapist Kathryn Defatta{@threechordstherapy} on to help address all your questions about: how Amy got where she is today in her business, dealing with being a step-mom on Mother’s Day, having peace while planning a wedding during a pandemic and Amy’s favorite sunscreen.
(Episode 149)
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Happy Tuesday, everybody. I have two people that will be
on today's Q and A episode. I've got Chase on
with me right now because I need to run one
of the questions by him to see what he thinks. Hey,
Chase is well, I mean, you don't have to be nervous.
But also Katherine Defatah, who's a therapist that we've had
(00:24):
on the podcast before at Three Chords Therapy, will be
on to go over some of the emails because I
thought I would like her wisdom to answer them. So
I just appreciate y'all's emails so much. Remember you can
send them to four Things with Amy Brown at gmail
dot com and put Q and A or fifth thing
in the subject line, because that's what we call Tuesday's episode.
(00:47):
And we also start Tuesday's episodes off with a quote,
and I decided to use one that I saw on
Catherine's Instagram. Here's what it said. Sometimes running with perseverance
is a sprint, and sometimes it's taking the next step.
At Three Chords Therapy shout out. I thought that was
(01:08):
really good. That's really good because sometimes we may need
that reminder that doesn't mean just because you're persevering that
you're taking on this crazy thing. It reminds me also too,
of the whole how do you eat an elephant? Thing?
You take right? So I love that. And then Catherine
(01:30):
will be on next. But let me get to the
question that I want to go over since I've got
Chase on the phone. Now, Okay, you're ready, Chase. Yeah,
this one's from Brittany. Hey. Amy, this is not exactly
a question, more of a proposal. I was wondering if
I could come on the podcast and interview you. I
was on a run listening to the Four Things Tuesday
(01:51):
episode per usual, and I could not just pick one
question to ask. I have so many. When did you
discover your calling and was it obvious or did it
become clear with time? When did you really immerse yourself
with entrepreneurship and how did you start, etcetera, etcetera. I
know this is nuts, but I figure I have nothing
to lose, and if anything, I just want you to
know that your outweigh podcast series Four Things with Amy
(02:14):
Brown and being on the Bobby Bones Show has really
changed my life. I consider us friends, even though you
don't have any idea who I am, and I think
I said her name was Brittany, and I need to
correct that it's Brittley. Yeah, Brittley. I think I think
I'm saying that correctly. So okay, first of all, wow
changed life. Heavy statement there. Also, we are friends. No,
(02:38):
we don't know each other, know each other, but if
if you're listening to the podcast, consider you a friend.
But Chase, what do you think about making Brittley? Next
Tuesday's Q and A? But she's on asking me the questions? Okay,
two things. One, shout out Brittley for being like board
and just going for it and asking kind of what
(02:59):
you were saying. You even put an idea out that
you had secking off. I think it's an awesome idea, okay,
And you had no idea that I was going to
share this one with you, So I wanted your genuine
reaction of if you thought it was good. But I mean,
I was thinking that you would think it was because
I wouldn't put Brittley on blast and you'd be like, oh,
that's an awful idea. We're not going to do it.
(03:21):
As someone who's had the privilege to interview you and
here you be interviewed. It's one of my favorite things
I obviously love all the interviews you do. But I
think sometimes when things get flipped like this, it's it's
so awesome and special, and I think that's a great idea. Okay,
So I'll let Brittley know and next Tuesday we'll flip
the script and she'll basically be hosting the Q and
(03:43):
A episode and asking me the questions. Okay, Well, there
you go. That's all I needed before, Chase. I appreciate you.
I hope you have a good day you too, I'll
talk Okay, Katherine's on the phone now. Hey, Catherine, Hi,
thank you for coming back on. I always appreciate when
you come on and help me out with things at times,
working through stuff. So I've got an email here. I'm
(04:05):
not gonna say your name. I'm just going to say
that it's from a hurt stepmom and that's the title.
So I'll read the email and then we can talk
about it. Hey, Amy, I'm forty seven and never had
my own children. My body wouldn't allow me to Every
Mother's Day, my ex husband, stepsons and stepson's mom always
acknowledged me gifts, pampering, and the best gift of all
being acknowledged that marriage ended after ten years. I'm still
(04:28):
a part of my stepson's lives. We see each other,
we text and call. Both of them to this day
still reach out to me on Mother's Day and every holiday.
I'm remarried and have been with my husband for ten years.
He too had a son when we met. I absolutely
adore my quote new stepson. He is now eighteen, graduating
from high school and joining the Marines the day after graduation.
(04:50):
He also lives with us. Every Mother's Day. For the
past nine years, I get no acknowledgement from my husband
or my stepson's mom. My stepson did walk by me
this year and said Happy Mother's Day as you went
to the bathroom. That was it. The lack of acknowledgment
on Mother's Day has broken my heart. I've only told
one person my feelings on this. She thinks I need
to bring it up to my husband, but I don't
(05:12):
want to be like, hey, celebrate me and sound selfish?
Am I wrong in being broken hearted? She sounds to
me like a I don't know. We don't know anything
about her other than this email. But I know that
I had a step mom for gosh, over twenty years
of my life, and I was not close to her.
In fact, to other people, I didn't even say step mom,
(05:33):
I said my dad's wife. And while we all tried
to be close and seemed close like, it just wasn't
that I didn't feel that connection with her. I really
don't think she would have cared if we acknowledged her
on Mother's Day or not. I don't really think we did.
I can't even remember, but I legit don't think that
we did celebrate her on Mother's Day. But I don't
think she's also she's also wasn't the type of person
(05:54):
that would send this email and have her feelings about it.
So I just know that that the dynamic of my
family now, she clearly has a different dynamic, at least
in her head what things should look like. And let's
answer her question. And I know that you're gonna say, probably,
no feelings are wrong. Um so but is she she's asking,
(06:18):
is it wrong that my I'm feeling heartbroken? Yeah? Well
you're right, because that was the first thing I was
going to say, is yeah, you're never wrong for feeling something.
I think where we get into trouble is what we
decided to do with the feeling, because we can't help
the feeling we have. And so what ends up happening
is to me, it sounds like they're like expectation that
(06:39):
might be there just based on the first experience she
had where her family just like kind of like pulled
her in as as like a mom, like the mom
she wanted to be, and so those expecitions maybe have
like fallen into this new family system. And one thing
that I know about expectations is they are also resentment
way to happen, which is where I kind of see
(07:00):
her now in the space where she's as almost building
resentment because nobody's acknowledged her. But I'm not sure if
they know that. I guess my question would be, like,
do they know that that's important to you and that
you would want that? No, I mean that's another question
that she had. She said she talked to and one
other person about this, and that person said that she
needs to bring it up to her husband, but she
(07:21):
doesn't want to come across as selfish, right yeah, right,
Which the other part is what part of I would wonder,
like what part of because when she's you said, celebrate me,
I think you have this feeling that we shouldn't want that.
But that's pretty much a I think everybody likes to
feel celebrated, and I'm sure she is dealing stuff for
(07:44):
this family like her stepson, he said, what did she say?
He's like my own? I love him like my own.
I make that up. I don't know if you actually
she's doing. Mom likes me, and there's like we can't
help it if we that's always feels good. It's so
I think I would wonder, like, one, what are you
asking for? To me, it sounds like she's asking to
(08:05):
be acknowledged for the part of the family that she
is and just to be looked and that's okay, Like
it's okay to be celebrated. I just would wander, does
her husband and does a stepson and the Sepson mom
have any idea that this is hurting her? Um. I
want to interject on the stepson's mom thing. I think
(08:27):
agree with you that her first marriage set up the
expectation that the other mom should be celebrating her on
Mother's Day because I didn't. I definitely, although I can't
remember if I ever celebrated my dad's wife on Mother's Day. No,
my mom didn't, so like well, right, but but not
(08:48):
that that's wrong for her to want that, But that
makes more sense to me to be like, hey, we
kind of need to set down that expectation. Just maybe
tuck that one away, because that just seemed like something
really special you had going on with your first marriage.
But don't set down the expectation of getting acknowledgement from
(09:08):
your stepson and your husband. Yeah, well, because I'm sure
that there's who knows the story around the stepson's mom,
like he knows both of us, but we don't know that,
so we don't have all the information. But yeah, the
mom might not have be in a place that she's
able to do that at all, even if you were
to ask for it. And that does sound something like
something really rare um, but you do have to be
(09:30):
celebrated back the people like your immediate family, And so
I would encourage somebody like that to express themselves. I
always say it's our job to train people how to
treat us, and if we don't train people how to
treat us, we just have all these expectations and it's
almost like we want everybody to be a mind reader,
But like, how many mind readers do you actually know?
I don't know any, And so that's not fair to
(09:53):
us because when we don't get our needs met, and
it's not fair to people in relationships with because a
lot of times there's just like clueless in all they
you'd just like to hey, like this, see what's going on?
And most of the time, not every time, but I
would oh I had no idea, like I would be
better at that. And then that way, once you know
it's communicated, maybe it won't repeat the pattern next Mother's
(10:14):
Day and the following Mother's Day. That we can just
go ahead and put an end to it. Now. Yeah,
I mean, I think if you communicate that to someone,
whether it's in this applies to anybody if this is
not your scenario. We all have at times expectations and
all have been let down at some point. So when
you're having to communicate to somebody what you're feeling and
what you would like and then it still doesn't happen, well,
(10:38):
then it's valid to feel that way and well maybe
it's not the right way to put it because your
other feelings are also valid, but you have to give
the other person a fair shot. And if if you don't,
if it ends up being that the needs are still
not that if there's a whole other process for that,
and that would look more of like greedy something that
doesn't that isn't possible, but we don't know it's not
(10:59):
possible yet. Yeah, we need to get we need to
have the talk first and then wait for next Mother's
Day to roll around. Yeah. And the other part that
I would say too is I think a lot of
times we forget, like or what we want to get
in the way of what we really want. So for her,
what she wants, what sounds like just to be acknowledged
(11:19):
and seen as a mother figure and just like an
important part of the family, what it is getting in
a way is because she wants them to do it
without her asking, And so that's what she wants, Like,
I just want them to acknowledge me without asking, you know,
without having to say something. But that's getting in the
way of what you really want. And that is for
anybody that is making any kind of decision of looking
(11:40):
at if there's something you want more, so I want
them to acknowledge me without asking. But if there's something
you want more, yeah, I just want to be acknowledged. Okay,
Well let's look at that and put that other things
to the side and and a good example to explain
that in another scenario is literally tell us was explained
to me years ago. But some guy was looking at
in a part meant that he wanted in Chicago and
(12:01):
it was like skyscraper, like the best apartment he could
have ever dreamed of. And he asked his like financial advisor, like, hey,
can I afford this? Financial adis said yeah, you can,
like totally afford this, But let me ask you before
you decide that you're going to do this, is there
something you want more? And he was like, what do
you mean if there was there anything else you want
to do with this money? Because you can afford this,
(12:22):
but then there's other things you won't be able to have.
And so he was like, well, I want to go
on trips with my family, and I wanted he made
a list of things, and so he was like, Okay,
those are the things you want more, So maybe you
don't get the apartment. And I think that's a good
example and a good story to look at when we're
making a lot of decisions of Okay, what do I want,
and then what do I want more than that? Right here,
(12:43):
it's I just want to be seen and acknowledged and
love and celebrated, which is okay. I hope that that
that helped to this hurt step mom, and I emailed
her to let her know that we're gonna be talking
about it so she'll be listening to this episode to
hear what you had to say. Catherine. Yeah, just want
you to know feeling that way is not selfish and
you do deserve to be celebrated. And I hope that
(13:05):
it works out and keep us posted. The next question
I have is from Audre hey Amy. My question relates
to wedding planning and making things special during this time
of change. My fiance and I are getting married June
(13:27):
and have decided that we're going to go ahead and
get married no matter what happens. However, it's really been
hard to deal with the stress and uncertainty of not
knowing what things will look like for our wedding day,
as we just don't really know if we're gonna be
able to have a reception or not, or even more important,
if more than just our immediate families will be able
to attend our wedding ceremony in our church. Do you
(13:47):
have any tips or suggestions on how to have peace
with everything, or on how we can make things special
even if we weren't able to do things as planned,
maybe having a backyard mini gathering with social distance or
something where we can still see and celebrate with family
and friends, if we can all celebrate together as normal
and Audre, I feel like the last sentence are however,
(14:11):
if you were phrasing that as a question to me,
if maybe that's what you should do of this email
sounds perfect. I have a few more thoughts on this,
and I know that Katherine does too, But yeah, maybe
your reception does have to morph into a backyard social
distancing barbecue. But at least you're with the people that
you love and you know they love you, and you're
(14:32):
all together and making the best of these crazy times.
And then you can circle back and do something later
when there's a little more certainty if you want to.
But it's it's such a special time, and I love
that you're still moving forward with it no matter what,
and you and you're soon to be new husband are
(14:53):
going to be I don't want to say better for it,
because I really don't know, but I feel like this
is an opportunity where you'll are already facing a little
bit of a challenge right out of the gate, and
how you handle it could kind of set the stage
for how you handle things thrown your way when you're married. Yeah,
And I think a lot of people are going I'm
(15:13):
glad you are bringing this question up in particularly because
I think so many people are going through this right
now and really don't know what like the right decision is.
Do I wait a year and get married, Do I
go ahead and have a small thing and then have
a bigger one later, or do I just do a
small thing and not do anything else. But there, I mean,
there's so many questions, and I don't think there's a
right answer. I think there is just like the best
(15:34):
decision for each person. But I know that I have.
I was supposed to be in three I think it
was three weddings in the past. Well, June six will
be the third one. So in the past three months,
specif be in three weddings. It all got shifted into
something else, and each person decided to do something a
little different. And I think one of the most important
things for each of them was to remember, like we're
(15:55):
getting married. We're getting married, and that's what's happening. The
wedding is a thing. But if we forget that, like
the wedding, isn't the marriage a lot? And so it
takes some of the excitement away, but it's like you're
still getting ner like joining your life with somebody, which
is always, always, always special. Just think of it as
its own thing. It's the new own thing. It is
(16:15):
not the wedding you had planned to kind of get
out of the space of thinking that this is a
less down because it's not. You're still having this huge experience,
and so you just get to choose on what you
focus on, whether it's the things you can do or
the things you can't. And there's a lot of stuff
you can still do. I would ask, is what's the
most important? Like if the backyard mini gathering, it's like,
(16:37):
is it most important for you to have and see
some of the people in your life? Like, okay, well
then let's do something. Think about what you can do
around that. Is it having being able to like still
have things like the first dance or like throwing a
bouquet or stuff like is that important? I know that
a lot of people will too. So far, they've done
a Facebook live, which I think is cool because you
(16:57):
can invite. It's you can make a private and just
invite whoever you want to it and then they can
watch it and like comment and stuff, and they I
think they can even video themselves as they watch it,
and then you can watch it back and see what
everybody kind of has said during the ceremony. So it's
like they all kind of get to be there. We
did that for my little brother got married last weekend actually,
and I I video Facebook live did Yeah, I had
(17:21):
the camera sideways for like the videos, so I didn't
know that you can't like you have to have the
camera up right, So half of the ceremony was sideways,
but we still did it. But yeah, it's like think
about what you want to do. So one of my
friends we did and like there's like six of us. Afterwards,
none of her family could come, and so they did
the Facebook live and then none of us went to
(17:41):
the ceremony except I think two people. And then we
did like a backyard celebration where we surprised her with
a cake and champagne and we had our throw who
bouquet still and we sent them off with sparklers in
the middle of our driveway. At like I think it
was like two o'clock in the afternoon, but we still
like sent him off and had a random guy was
past the house and came in videotaped it for her,
(18:03):
So she wants to send off video. So there's tons
of things you can do. You just have to be
super creative. I think you just have to you were
saying when you first started talking about it, Catherine, just
separate the marriage from the wedding and focus on what
is it that you really want and go ahead and
(18:24):
do that if that. If that's what you want at
the moment, it's fine, and then you can do the
wedding stuff later. Sure it's not how things have always
been or not. You know what probably happened for your
sister or your best friend or who got to have
the normal wedding that they've been dreaming of. But nothing
(18:46):
has been normal about this year, and who knows what
the new normal will be. But we will be able
to all gather again together one day and celebrate. So yeah,
if you want to go ahead and do the thing,
keep the day eight, make the marriage the real deal,
get the certificate, then then do it and then you
(19:06):
can always celebrate however you want to. Maybe on your
year anniversary. I feel like there's gonna be a lot
of that going on or something like that, or maybe
who knows what you would have spent on a wedding
and maybe go spend it on something else. But I
mean a lot of people I know have put deposits
down for everything and it's really hard to get it back.
(19:27):
So that's not lost on me one bit. So that
may not actually be feasible. But anyway, just know that
you're not alone and whatever you decide to do is
going to be awesome, and y'all will look back on
it and be like, WHOA remember that crazy time we
got during coronavirus. It's like I would ask, since this
(19:48):
is happening kind of pretty often, I would ask people
that you know that have done it, like, hey, what
did you like and what didn't you like? Did you
have any ideas or are things that you wish you
would have done? And get some feedback from people. And
then again, it's your wedding, so it's like that's always
what kind of like it's said, It's like you get
to decide it's your wedding. It's still your wedding in
your marriage, so you get to decide do you want
(20:10):
to have a background barbecue? Do you want to have
a parade? And all people that could have come to
your wedding to drive by your house and wait, like
what do you want to do? Like you get to decide.
It's you're the bride and that's kind of how it
gets to be for that day. Yeah, well, Catherine, I'll
keep you on for this third question, although it doesn't
really need much wisdom from like a therapist perspective, but
(20:33):
you may have thoughts. This one's from Susannah. Hey, Amy,
I live in Florida and I'm in the sun constantly.
Can you let me know about a good sunscreen that
I can wear out on the boat for under my
makeup that's not really oily. I'm obsessed with the neut
regina for the rest of my body, but it's way
too oily on my face and it makes me break
out almost every time. So, Susannah, what I use on
(20:54):
my face, which I love, is in teleshade and it's
by revision. It's in a black tube. I have it
on my Amazon page and go to Radio Amy dot
com and click on Amazon and then under beauty and
it's tinted. So I wear it as my makeup and
sunscreen has like SPF forty five, and then I just
put a little powder on top to take away the shine.
(21:15):
There's original and Matt. I only had the original on
Amazon because I don't know, I couldn't find the Matt
to add on there for you. But what I do
is I bought the original and the MAT and I
mix like a squirt of each because to me, the
Matt is too matt and then the original is fine,
but it is a little shiny at times. But again,
like I said, you can just put a little powder
(21:35):
on top. It does not break me out. And then again,
since it's tinted, it is my makeup. I just wear
that and then the powder and good to go. And
a lot of my friends use this. It's a little
bit on the pricey side, but it does last a
long time. It takes me a long time to go
through a tube, especially since I use two tubes of
the MAT and the original. It really takes me forever.
(21:57):
And you don't need much. Yeah. I love using a
beauty blender too, to like a damp one. Do you
use a beauty blender, Katherine, No, I have. I probably
should update all of my makeup brushes. I have this
really cool makeup brush that I got from Beauty Counter.
I've had it for like three years. What does it
do well? I mean it's just like it's because the
beauty blender. Is that not just like to blend in
(22:19):
your foundation and stuff? Right? Yeah, so you get it,
You run it under homewater, get it wet, and then
squeeze it out and then it blends. Like to me,
it's the if I put the intelishate on with my fingers,
I can see a major difference. If I were to
blend it in with beauty blender, it just blends in
so much better. Oh yeah, mine took like a buffer
like foundation brush, So I should probably jump on the
(22:40):
beauty blender train. Actually yeah, I mean I feel like
I'm late to things, and I was a way late
to the beauty blender, so you're like really late. Really yeah,
I'm gonna need to send you one. But that's what
I recommend for you, Susannah. If you're out in the
sun and yeah, put that sunscreen on. Katherine, what you have,
(23:03):
what what skin type is? Yours? Fair? Are all in complex? Yeah,
like all of the Oh wow, okay, you're lucky, Like
I'm fair, I have to wear sunscreen all the time
or I burned, but I still need I need to
wear sunscreen. I actually that just was making me think
because I was working in my yards today and I
put on and now I'm like, oh, shoot, am I
(23:23):
going to break out? No? No, no, no no. That's
one thing that I know for sure is every single
person's skin reacts differently to every product. So I even
get notes from people sometime I want to know your
exact skin routine, and I'm like, well, shoot, I'm happy
to post it, but it took me a while to
(23:44):
even figure out exactly. Like my girl Carry, the Nashville
Beauty Girl that helps me with it, Like she had
to do several different things to get me to wear
Like the original skin routine she gave me, it broke
me out really bad. And it's what she uses on
a lot of people old that and they love it,
but it wasn't right for me. So I always get
(24:04):
nervous like telling people because I'm like, well, shoot, I
don't know for sure if this is good for them
every day. Well, Catherine, thank you so much for coming on.
We always like having you here. And I just want
to encourage people to check out your podcast. It's called
You Need Therapy. And I listened to an episode the
other day on attachment disorder. I thought it was really
(24:27):
good and that what you call it, Well, it was
just on the theory, but yeah, okay, you can mind
about that from that, but on the theory, the theory
of attachment, attach the theory of attachment. Yes, okay, I
guess I just told my husband after I listened to it,
I'm like, I have attachment disorder? So is that what
it's Is that what it's called. No, it's so attachment,
(24:48):
So attachment theory. It's like the theory that kind of
like I work from. But there is something called attachment
disorder which comes from that theory. So that's why it's confusing.
Oh okay, well whatever, you have attachment issues, we'll say that.
And the podcast was great, but I think you have
some great stuff up there, so I encourage people to
check it out. The podcast again, is You Need Therapy,
(25:09):
and then on Instagram at three Chords Therapy. Thank you
so much. I appreciate you and we'll talk to you
next time. All right, thank you,
Happy Tuesday, everybody. I have two people that will be
on today's Q and A episode. I've got Chase on
with me right now because I need to run one
of the questions by him to see what he thinks. Hey,
Chase is well, I mean, you don't have to be nervous.
But also Katherine Defatah, who's a therapist that we've had
(00:24):
on the podcast before at Three Chords Therapy, will be
on to go over some of the emails because I
thought I would like her wisdom to answer them. So
I just appreciate y'all's emails so much. Remember you can
send them to four Things with Amy Brown at gmail
dot com and put Q and A or fifth thing
in the subject line, because that's what we call Tuesday's episode.
(00:47):
And we also start Tuesday's episodes off with a quote,
and I decided to use one that I saw on
Catherine's Instagram. Here's what it said. Sometimes running with perseverance
is a sprint, and sometimes it's taking the next step.
At Three Chords Therapy shout out. I thought that was
(01:08):
really good. That's really good because sometimes we may need
that reminder that doesn't mean just because you're persevering that
you're taking on this crazy thing. It reminds me also too,
of the whole how do you eat an elephant? Thing?
You take right? So I love that. And then Catherine
(01:30):
will be on next. But let me get to the
question that I want to go over since I've got
Chase on the phone. Now, Okay, you're ready, Chase. Yeah,
this one's from Brittany. Hey. Amy, this is not exactly
a question, more of a proposal. I was wondering if
I could come on the podcast and interview you. I
was on a run listening to the Four Things Tuesday
(01:51):
episode per usual, and I could not just pick one
question to ask. I have so many. When did you
discover your calling and was it obvious or did it
become clear with time? When did you really immerse yourself
with entrepreneurship and how did you start, etcetera, etcetera. I
know this is nuts, but I figure I have nothing
to lose, and if anything, I just want you to
know that your outweigh podcast series Four Things with Amy
(02:14):
Brown and being on the Bobby Bones Show has really
changed my life. I consider us friends, even though you
don't have any idea who I am, and I think
I said her name was Brittany, and I need to
correct that it's Brittley. Yeah, Brittley. I think I think
I'm saying that correctly. So okay, first of all, wow
changed life. Heavy statement there. Also, we are friends. No,
(02:38):
we don't know each other, know each other, but if
if you're listening to the podcast, consider you a friend.
But Chase, what do you think about making Brittley? Next
Tuesday's Q and A? But she's on asking me the questions? Okay,
two things. One, shout out Brittley for being like board
and just going for it and asking kind of what
(02:59):
you were saying. You even put an idea out that
you had secking off. I think it's an awesome idea, okay,
And you had no idea that I was going to
share this one with you, So I wanted your genuine
reaction of if you thought it was good. But I mean,
I was thinking that you would think it was because
I wouldn't put Brittley on blast and you'd be like, oh,
that's an awful idea. We're not going to do it.
(03:21):
As someone who's had the privilege to interview you and
here you be interviewed. It's one of my favorite things
I obviously love all the interviews you do. But I
think sometimes when things get flipped like this, it's it's
so awesome and special, and I think that's a great idea. Okay,
So I'll let Brittley know and next Tuesday we'll flip
the script and she'll basically be hosting the Q and
(03:43):
A episode and asking me the questions. Okay, Well, there
you go. That's all I needed before, Chase. I appreciate you.
I hope you have a good day you too, I'll
talk Okay, Katherine's on the phone now. Hey, Catherine, Hi,
thank you for coming back on. I always appreciate when
you come on and help me out with things at times,
working through stuff. So I've got an email here. I'm
(04:05):
not gonna say your name. I'm just going to say
that it's from a hurt stepmom and that's the title.
So I'll read the email and then we can talk
about it. Hey, Amy, I'm forty seven and never had
my own children. My body wouldn't allow me to Every
Mother's Day, my ex husband, stepsons and stepson's mom always
acknowledged me gifts, pampering, and the best gift of all
being acknowledged that marriage ended after ten years. I'm still
(04:28):
a part of my stepson's lives. We see each other,
we text and call. Both of them to this day
still reach out to me on Mother's Day and every holiday.
I'm remarried and have been with my husband for ten years.
He too had a son when we met. I absolutely
adore my quote new stepson. He is now eighteen, graduating
from high school and joining the Marines the day after graduation.
(04:50):
He also lives with us. Every Mother's Day. For the
past nine years, I get no acknowledgement from my husband
or my stepson's mom. My stepson did walk by me
this year and said Happy Mother's Day as you went
to the bathroom. That was it. The lack of acknowledgment
on Mother's Day has broken my heart. I've only told
one person my feelings on this. She thinks I need
to bring it up to my husband, but I don't
(05:12):
want to be like, hey, celebrate me and sound selfish?
Am I wrong in being broken hearted? She sounds to
me like a I don't know. We don't know anything
about her other than this email. But I know that
I had a step mom for gosh, over twenty years
of my life, and I was not close to her.
In fact, to other people, I didn't even say step mom,
(05:33):
I said my dad's wife. And while we all tried
to be close and seemed close like, it just wasn't
that I didn't feel that connection with her. I really
don't think she would have cared if we acknowledged her
on Mother's Day or not. I don't really think we did.
I can't even remember, but I legit don't think that
we did celebrate her on Mother's Day. But I don't
think she's also she's also wasn't the type of person
(05:54):
that would send this email and have her feelings about it.
So I just know that that the dynamic of my
family now, she clearly has a different dynamic, at least
in her head what things should look like. And let's
answer her question. And I know that you're gonna say, probably,
no feelings are wrong. Um so but is she she's asking,
(06:18):
is it wrong that my I'm feeling heartbroken? Yeah? Well
you're right, because that was the first thing I was
going to say, is yeah, you're never wrong for feeling something.
I think where we get into trouble is what we
decided to do with the feeling, because we can't help
the feeling we have. And so what ends up happening
is to me, it sounds like they're like expectation that
(06:39):
might be there just based on the first experience she
had where her family just like kind of like pulled
her in as as like a mom, like the mom
she wanted to be, and so those expecitions maybe have
like fallen into this new family system. And one thing
that I know about expectations is they are also resentment
way to happen, which is where I kind of see
(07:00):
her now in the space where she's as almost building
resentment because nobody's acknowledged her. But I'm not sure if
they know that. I guess my question would be, like,
do they know that that's important to you and that
you would want that? No, I mean that's another question
that she had. She said she talked to and one
other person about this, and that person said that she
needs to bring it up to her husband, but she
(07:21):
doesn't want to come across as selfish, right yeah, right,
Which the other part is what part of I would wonder,
like what part of because when she's you said, celebrate me,
I think you have this feeling that we shouldn't want that.
But that's pretty much a I think everybody likes to
feel celebrated, and I'm sure she is dealing stuff for
(07:44):
this family like her stepson, he said, what did she say?
He's like my own? I love him like my own.
I make that up. I don't know if you actually
she's doing. Mom likes me, and there's like we can't
help it if we that's always feels good. It's so
I think I would wonder, like, one, what are you
asking for? To me, it sounds like she's asking to
(08:05):
be acknowledged for the part of the family that she
is and just to be looked and that's okay, Like
it's okay to be celebrated. I just would wander, does
her husband and does a stepson and the Sepson mom
have any idea that this is hurting her? Um. I
want to interject on the stepson's mom thing. I think
(08:27):
agree with you that her first marriage set up the
expectation that the other mom should be celebrating her on
Mother's Day because I didn't. I definitely, although I can't
remember if I ever celebrated my dad's wife on Mother's Day. No,
my mom didn't, so like well, right, but but not
(08:48):
that that's wrong for her to want that, But that
makes more sense to me to be like, hey, we
kind of need to set down that expectation. Just maybe
tuck that one away, because that just seemed like something
really special you had going on with your first marriage.
But don't set down the expectation of getting acknowledgement from
(09:08):
your stepson and your husband. Yeah, well, because I'm sure
that there's who knows the story around the stepson's mom,
like he knows both of us, but we don't know that,
so we don't have all the information. But yeah, the
mom might not have be in a place that she's
able to do that at all, even if you were
to ask for it. And that does sound something like
something really rare um, but you do have to be
(09:30):
celebrated back the people like your immediate family, And so
I would encourage somebody like that to express themselves. I
always say it's our job to train people how to
treat us, and if we don't train people how to
treat us, we just have all these expectations and it's
almost like we want everybody to be a mind reader,
But like, how many mind readers do you actually know?
I don't know any, And so that's not fair to
(09:53):
us because when we don't get our needs met, and
it's not fair to people in relationships with because a
lot of times there's just like clueless in all they
you'd just like to hey, like this, see what's going on?
And most of the time, not every time, but I
would oh I had no idea, like I would be
better at that. And then that way, once you know
it's communicated, maybe it won't repeat the pattern next Mother's
(10:14):
Day and the following Mother's Day. That we can just
go ahead and put an end to it. Now. Yeah,
I mean, I think if you communicate that to someone,
whether it's in this applies to anybody if this is
not your scenario. We all have at times expectations and
all have been let down at some point. So when
you're having to communicate to somebody what you're feeling and
what you would like and then it still doesn't happen, well,
(10:38):
then it's valid to feel that way and well maybe
it's not the right way to put it because your
other feelings are also valid, but you have to give
the other person a fair shot. And if if you don't,
if it ends up being that the needs are still
not that if there's a whole other process for that,
and that would look more of like greedy something that
doesn't that isn't possible, but we don't know it's not
(10:59):
possible yet. Yeah, we need to get we need to
have the talk first and then wait for next Mother's
Day to roll around. Yeah. And the other part that
I would say too is I think a lot of
times we forget, like or what we want to get
in the way of what we really want. So for her,
what she wants, what sounds like just to be acknowledged
(11:19):
and seen as a mother figure and just like an
important part of the family, what it is getting in
a way is because she wants them to do it
without her asking, And so that's what she wants, Like,
I just want them to acknowledge me without asking, you know,
without having to say something. But that's getting in the
way of what you really want. And that is for
anybody that is making any kind of decision of looking
(11:40):
at if there's something you want more, so I want
them to acknowledge me without asking. But if there's something
you want more, yeah, I just want to be acknowledged. Okay,
Well let's look at that and put that other things
to the side and and a good example to explain
that in another scenario is literally tell us was explained
to me years ago. But some guy was looking at
in a part meant that he wanted in Chicago and
(12:01):
it was like skyscraper, like the best apartment he could
have ever dreamed of. And he asked his like financial advisor, like, hey,
can I afford this? Financial adis said yeah, you can,
like totally afford this, But let me ask you before
you decide that you're going to do this, is there
something you want more? And he was like, what do
you mean if there was there anything else you want
to do with this money? Because you can afford this,
(12:22):
but then there's other things you won't be able to have.
And so he was like, well, I want to go
on trips with my family, and I wanted he made
a list of things, and so he was like, Okay,
those are the things you want more, So maybe you
don't get the apartment. And I think that's a good
example and a good story to look at when we're
making a lot of decisions of Okay, what do I want,
and then what do I want more than that? Right here,
(12:43):
it's I just want to be seen and acknowledged and
love and celebrated, which is okay. I hope that that
that helped to this hurt step mom, and I emailed
her to let her know that we're gonna be talking
about it so she'll be listening to this episode to
hear what you had to say. Catherine. Yeah, just want
you to know feeling that way is not selfish and
you do deserve to be celebrated. And I hope that
(13:05):
it works out and keep us posted. The next question
I have is from Audre hey Amy. My question relates
to wedding planning and making things special during this time
of change. My fiance and I are getting married June
(13:27):
and have decided that we're going to go ahead and
get married no matter what happens. However, it's really been
hard to deal with the stress and uncertainty of not
knowing what things will look like for our wedding day,
as we just don't really know if we're gonna be
able to have a reception or not, or even more important,
if more than just our immediate families will be able
to attend our wedding ceremony in our church. Do you
(13:47):
have any tips or suggestions on how to have peace
with everything, or on how we can make things special
even if we weren't able to do things as planned,
maybe having a backyard mini gathering with social distance or
something where we can still see and celebrate with family
and friends, if we can all celebrate together as normal
and Audre, I feel like the last sentence are however,
(14:11):
if you were phrasing that as a question to me,
if maybe that's what you should do of this email
sounds perfect. I have a few more thoughts on this,
and I know that Katherine does too, But yeah, maybe
your reception does have to morph into a backyard social
distancing barbecue. But at least you're with the people that
you love and you know they love you, and you're
(14:32):
all together and making the best of these crazy times.
And then you can circle back and do something later
when there's a little more certainty if you want to.
But it's it's such a special time, and I love
that you're still moving forward with it no matter what,
and you and you're soon to be new husband are
(14:53):
going to be I don't want to say better for it,
because I really don't know, but I feel like this
is an opportunity where you'll are already facing a little
bit of a challenge right out of the gate, and
how you handle it could kind of set the stage
for how you handle things thrown your way when you're married. Yeah,
And I think a lot of people are going I'm
(15:13):
glad you are bringing this question up in particularly because
I think so many people are going through this right
now and really don't know what like the right decision is.
Do I wait a year and get married, Do I
go ahead and have a small thing and then have
a bigger one later, or do I just do a
small thing and not do anything else. But there, I mean,
there's so many questions, and I don't think there's a
right answer. I think there is just like the best
(15:34):
decision for each person. But I know that I have.
I was supposed to be in three I think it
was three weddings in the past. Well, June six will
be the third one. So in the past three months,
specif be in three weddings. It all got shifted into
something else, and each person decided to do something a
little different. And I think one of the most important
things for each of them was to remember, like we're
(15:55):
getting married. We're getting married, and that's what's happening. The
wedding is a thing. But if we forget that, like
the wedding, isn't the marriage a lot? And so it
takes some of the excitement away, but it's like you're
still getting ner like joining your life with somebody, which
is always, always, always special. Just think of it as
its own thing. It's the new own thing. It is
(16:15):
not the wedding you had planned to kind of get
out of the space of thinking that this is a
less down because it's not. You're still having this huge experience,
and so you just get to choose on what you
focus on, whether it's the things you can do or
the things you can't. And there's a lot of stuff
you can still do. I would ask, is what's the
most important? Like if the backyard mini gathering, it's like,
(16:37):
is it most important for you to have and see
some of the people in your life? Like, okay, well
then let's do something. Think about what you can do
around that. Is it having being able to like still
have things like the first dance or like throwing a
bouquet or stuff like is that important? I know that
a lot of people will too. So far, they've done
a Facebook live, which I think is cool because you
(16:57):
can invite. It's you can make a private and just
invite whoever you want to it and then they can
watch it and like comment and stuff, and they I
think they can even video themselves as they watch it,
and then you can watch it back and see what
everybody kind of has said during the ceremony. So it's
like they all kind of get to be there. We
did that for my little brother got married last weekend actually,
and I I video Facebook live did Yeah, I had
(17:21):
the camera sideways for like the videos, so I didn't
know that you can't like you have to have the
camera up right, So half of the ceremony was sideways,
but we still did it. But yeah, it's like think
about what you want to do. So one of my
friends we did and like there's like six of us. Afterwards,
none of her family could come, and so they did
the Facebook live and then none of us went to
(17:41):
the ceremony except I think two people. And then we
did like a backyard celebration where we surprised her with
a cake and champagne and we had our throw who
bouquet still and we sent them off with sparklers in
the middle of our driveway. At like I think it
was like two o'clock in the afternoon, but we still
like sent him off and had a random guy was
past the house and came in videotaped it for her,
(18:03):
So she wants to send off video. So there's tons
of things you can do. You just have to be
super creative. I think you just have to you were
saying when you first started talking about it, Catherine, just
separate the marriage from the wedding and focus on what
is it that you really want and go ahead and
(18:24):
do that if that. If that's what you want at
the moment, it's fine, and then you can do the
wedding stuff later. Sure it's not how things have always
been or not. You know what probably happened for your
sister or your best friend or who got to have
the normal wedding that they've been dreaming of. But nothing
(18:46):
has been normal about this year, and who knows what
the new normal will be. But we will be able
to all gather again together one day and celebrate. So yeah,
if you want to go ahead and do the thing,
keep the day eight, make the marriage the real deal,
get the certificate, then then do it and then you
(19:06):
can always celebrate however you want to. Maybe on your
year anniversary. I feel like there's gonna be a lot
of that going on or something like that, or maybe
who knows what you would have spent on a wedding
and maybe go spend it on something else. But I
mean a lot of people I know have put deposits
down for everything and it's really hard to get it back.
(19:27):
So that's not lost on me one bit. So that
may not actually be feasible. But anyway, just know that
you're not alone and whatever you decide to do is
going to be awesome, and y'all will look back on
it and be like, WHOA remember that crazy time we
got during coronavirus. It's like I would ask, since this
(19:48):
is happening kind of pretty often, I would ask people
that you know that have done it, like, hey, what
did you like and what didn't you like? Did you
have any ideas or are things that you wish you
would have done? And get some feedback from people. And
then again, it's your wedding, so it's like that's always
what kind of like it's said, It's like you get
to decide it's your wedding. It's still your wedding in
your marriage, so you get to decide do you want
(20:10):
to have a background barbecue? Do you want to have
a parade? And all people that could have come to
your wedding to drive by your house and wait, like
what do you want to do? Like you get to decide.
It's you're the bride and that's kind of how it
gets to be for that day. Yeah, well, Catherine, I'll
keep you on for this third question, although it doesn't
really need much wisdom from like a therapist perspective, but
(20:33):
you may have thoughts. This one's from Susannah. Hey, Amy,
I live in Florida and I'm in the sun constantly.
Can you let me know about a good sunscreen that
I can wear out on the boat for under my
makeup that's not really oily. I'm obsessed with the neut
regina for the rest of my body, but it's way
too oily on my face and it makes me break
out almost every time. So, Susannah, what I use on
(20:54):
my face, which I love, is in teleshade and it's
by revision. It's in a black tube. I have it
on my Amazon page and go to Radio Amy dot
com and click on Amazon and then under beauty and
it's tinted. So I wear it as my makeup and
sunscreen has like SPF forty five, and then I just
put a little powder on top to take away the shine.
(21:15):
There's original and Matt. I only had the original on
Amazon because I don't know, I couldn't find the Matt
to add on there for you. But what I do
is I bought the original and the MAT and I
mix like a squirt of each because to me, the
Matt is too matt and then the original is fine,
but it is a little shiny at times. But again,
like I said, you can just put a little powder
(21:35):
on top. It does not break me out. And then again,
since it's tinted, it is my makeup. I just wear
that and then the powder and good to go. And
a lot of my friends use this. It's a little
bit on the pricey side, but it does last a
long time. It takes me a long time to go
through a tube, especially since I use two tubes of
the MAT and the original. It really takes me forever.
(21:57):
And you don't need much. Yeah. I love using a
beauty blender too, to like a damp one. Do you
use a beauty blender, Katherine, No, I have. I probably
should update all of my makeup brushes. I have this
really cool makeup brush that I got from Beauty Counter.
I've had it for like three years. What does it
do well? I mean it's just like it's because the
beauty blender. Is that not just like to blend in
(22:19):
your foundation and stuff? Right? Yeah, so you get it,
You run it under homewater, get it wet, and then
squeeze it out and then it blends. Like to me,
it's the if I put the intelishate on with my fingers,
I can see a major difference. If I were to
blend it in with beauty blender, it just blends in
so much better. Oh yeah, mine took like a buffer
like foundation brush, So I should probably jump on the
(22:40):
beauty blender train. Actually yeah, I mean I feel like
I'm late to things, and I was a way late
to the beauty blender, so you're like really late. Really yeah,
I'm gonna need to send you one. But that's what
I recommend for you, Susannah. If you're out in the
sun and yeah, put that sunscreen on. Katherine, what you have,
(23:03):
what what skin type is? Yours? Fair? Are all in complex? Yeah,
like all of the Oh wow, okay, you're lucky, Like
I'm fair, I have to wear sunscreen all the time
or I burned, but I still need I need to
wear sunscreen. I actually that just was making me think
because I was working in my yards today and I
put on and now I'm like, oh, shoot, am I
(23:23):
going to break out? No? No, no, no no. That's
one thing that I know for sure is every single
person's skin reacts differently to every product. So I even
get notes from people sometime I want to know your
exact skin routine, and I'm like, well, shoot, I'm happy
to post it, but it took me a while to
(23:44):
even figure out exactly. Like my girl Carry, the Nashville
Beauty Girl that helps me with it, Like she had
to do several different things to get me to wear
Like the original skin routine she gave me, it broke
me out really bad. And it's what she uses on
a lot of people old that and they love it,
but it wasn't right for me. So I always get
(24:04):
nervous like telling people because I'm like, well, shoot, I
don't know for sure if this is good for them
every day. Well, Catherine, thank you so much for coming on.
We always like having you here. And I just want
to encourage people to check out your podcast. It's called
You Need Therapy. And I listened to an episode the
other day on attachment disorder. I thought it was really
(24:27):
good and that what you call it, Well, it was
just on the theory, but yeah, okay, you can mind
about that from that, but on the theory, the theory
of attachment, attach the theory of attachment. Yes, okay, I
guess I just told my husband after I listened to it,
I'm like, I have attachment disorder? So is that what
it's Is that what it's called. No, it's so attachment,
(24:48):
So attachment theory. It's like the theory that kind of
like I work from. But there is something called attachment
disorder which comes from that theory. So that's why it's confusing.
Oh okay, well whatever, you have attachment issues, we'll say that.
And the podcast was great, but I think you have
some great stuff up there, so I encourage people to
check it out. The podcast again, is You Need Therapy,
(25:09):
and then on Instagram at three Chords Therapy. Thank you
so much. I appreciate you and we'll talk to you
next time. All right, thank you,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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